#let myself think badly of them because 'ohhh they can do no wrong. im the bad one here' and ofc i wasnt exactly healthy abt my attachment
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#aprils always a weird month for me bc its the anniversary of when some Bad Shit happened#or like. well the ends of it were good bc i was finally cut off from a frankly scary codependent relationship that couldve been dangerous#but it for sure hurt at the time like having part of my soul ripped out#...not to mention that all of the blame for things going wrong was put on me when in retrospect i was. again. in kind of a scary situation#its one of those things where you thought while u spent time together it was the best thing ever and they could do no wrong#and then looking back on it its like *SUDDEN REALIZATION* OH GOD WTF???#...not that im gonna get into the details but it sure was. A Time#its like. hurting over what they did and how i was treated... but only in retrospect. even when they ghosted me back then i never#let myself think badly of them because 'ohhh they can do no wrong. im the bad one here' and ofc i wasnt exactly healthy abt my attachment#but like. damn that time i cried myself to sleep over how they were dumping su/cidal ideation in my dms is like a footnote#in the list of things that were red flags in retrospect#and even now i feel like im being 'too harsh' on them even though i still feel like. i was used and brainwashed#i just need 2 realize im allowed to have feelings and look back on that and feel betrayed!!! im allowed to be mad about it!!!#im allowed to feel hurt abt how they made me feel like i couldnt have my own opinions and how they kinda encouraged shit#and some more personal stuff ur not gonna hear about but its um. yeah#one of those things. where it takes you forever to actually realize WHAT the situation was#...not that i think they did it on purpose but idkkkkk. scary stuff#the moral of this story is that if youre a teenager and you have a friend whos just a little too into making top/bottom jokes abt you. RUN
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