#lazy saturday night: in my attempt to go back to still edits. let's see.

[aprilblossomgirl]

#mood: hold your hand.

[junghelioseok]

change. | 09

↳ a kind, handsome stranger makes you question your deteriorating relationship.

◇ taehyung x reader | jungkook x reader ◇ angst | fluff | smut ◇ 4.5 [9/10]

notes: this is only half-edited, but i’m too lazy to look over the rest at this point. enjoy the second to last chapter of this fic!

01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | epilogue ✓

The city rushes by outside your window, steely buildings and drab gray concrete beneath an overcast sky. Off in the distance, skeletal black trees rise up, signaling your imminent departure from the city. The train is surprisingly empty for a Saturday morning, and you tear your gaze away from the landscape momentarily to glance around at the other travelers sitting around the train car. You imagine everyone else has already made it home to their families for the holidays, and you can’t help the frown that mars your face at the thought.

You miss Jungkook. You miss his wide brown eyes that sparkle brighter than all the stars in the sky and his grin that shows off his prominent teeth. You miss his soft, melodious voice and the way he cackles way too hard at his own dumb jokes. This train ride would be much less agonizing with company—and yet, when you think about who you want by your side, it isn’t Jungkook.

It’s Taehyung.

Pulling your phone out of your pocket, you wake the screen and thumb over to your text messages. Your fingers itch to tap on the coppery-haired man’s name, but you have no idea what you would say. After what he’d witnessed last night, you doubt whether or not he’ll ever be able to look you in the eye again. His awkward departure from your apartment weighs heavy on your heart, and you deliberate for a few more seconds before scrolling down and tapping on your best friend’s name instead.

[9:08am] You: I’m on the train now.

[9:08am] Jin: Good! Text me when you get there. And say hi to your parents for me!

[9:09] You: Will do

The little gray ellipses pop up, signaling that Jin is typing. You watch the three dots dance, tapping on your screen when it dims, and finally, after what seems like an eternity, his message comes in. All at once, the reason for his hesitance becomes crystal clear, and you wince as you read the words for a second time.

[9:11] Jin: How are you holding up?

You’d told your best friend everything this morning—the story spilling out as soon as he’d texted you to make sure you were awake to catch your train. His concern is tangible even via text, and you let out a heavy sigh before responding. I’m okay, you write slowly, your thumbs hesitantly tapping across the keys.

[9:12am] Jin: You sure you don’t want me to come over? I can and will get on the next train out there

You huff out a wry laugh, knowing very well that Jin has been looking forward to visiting Namjoon’s family for weeks. Don’t be stupid, you tell him bluntly, ignoring the stubborn pang of hurt that has taken up residence in your chest. Have a good time with Joon and his family, okay?

Plopping your phone down on the armrest, you rummage through your bag for your headphones. The train rumbles onward, but it’s easy—and almost therapeutic—to drown out the noise with your favorite playlist. Propping your chin in your palm, you direct your attention to the dreary landscape outside, tuning out the rest of the world as you hurtle ever closer to your destination.

Your parents are waiting for you on the platform when your train pulls into the station, bundled tightly in their warmest clothing and wearing cheerful smiles. Their faces crease when you disembark alone, smoothing out into understanding moments later. You hate seeing the pity shining in their eyes, but the warmth of their embrace is enough to temporarily banish any lingering negativity. It feels wonderful to be in their arms, and you breathe in the scent of your mother’s perfume as she clings onto you tightly.

“It’s so good to see you, sweetie,” she says after a few moments, pulling back from the hug to get a look at your face and beaming as she fusses with your scarf. You wonder, briefly, if she can hear the frantic patter of your heart against your ribcage. “How was the train ride?”

“It was fine,” you reassure, gently brushing away her hands and offering her a wan smile. “Early. But it’s nice to be back.”

You can see the lingering questions hiding behind her smile and the silent inquiry as to your boyfriend’s whereabouts. Where’s Jungkook? you imagine she’s wondering. Did something happen? But your mother has always been tactful, and your heartbeat settles just the tiniest bit when she bites back her concern and simply tugs your scarf a little tighter around your throat.

Your father, however, lacks your mother’s restraint. “Where’s that boyfriend of yours?” he asks. “Jungkook, was it? You still hiding him away?”

The way your mother nudges him pointedly in the ribs doesn’t go unnoticed by you. Nonetheless, you clear your throat and suck in a deep breath. “He’s… he’s not coming.” Saying the words out loud makes it all too real, and your heart thumps wildly in your chest for a few beats before splashing into your churning stomach. “We broke up.”

You know they can hear the pain in your voice, and you imagine they can see it on your face as well. Wordlessly, your mother folds you into another hug, your father joining in a moment later. “Come on,” you hear her murmur into your hair, the sound soft and soothing. “Let’s go home.”

The drive back to your childhood home is short. Your family’s cat, Miso, perks up at the sound of the front door opening, and darts over to twine around your legs when he spots you. “Hey Miso,” you greet, dropping down to rub his soft head and smiling when he purrs. “You want to come upstairs and help me unpack, bud?”

The cat doesn’t reply, of course, but when he nestles his chin into the palm of your hand and closes his eyes happily, you take it as a yes.

Your parents haven’t made any major changes to your bedroom since you moved out, much to your relief. Tossing your bag onto the bed, you flop down next to it, rolling over to stare up at the ceiling. Jungkook’s face drifts through your mind, and your heart aches when you remember the way he’d looked at you last night before he departed—eyes soft with tenderness and glistening with tears that he’d barely managed to blink away before they could be shed.

And yet, his face is not the only one occupying your brain. Taehyung is there too—his smile wan and forced as he hovers awkwardly on your doorstep. Your fingers itch to reach for your phone, to pull up his contact and send him a message. But your mind is a jumble of incoherent thoughts and half-formed sentences, and you have no idea what you could possibly say to explain the situation. What do you even want to say?

So instead of dwelling on it any longer, you let your eyes drift shut and fall into a fitful sleep.

The sound of the doorbell and your name being called rouses you from your slumber. Downstairs, you can hear happy greetings being exchanged, and with a sigh, you join in the merriment, putting on a happy face as your aunt and uncle fawn over you. You admire the new car that they’ve driven over in, and when your younger cousins give you boisterous hugs, you return them and offer them the most genuine smile you can muster.

More of your family members show up throughout the afternoon, and you eventually manage to escape back to your bedroom in the constant flow of long-awaited reunions. Curling up against your pillows, you idly begin scratching behind Miso’s ears, craning your neck to look down into his speckled face. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through this alone,” you tell him seriously, bopping him on the nose. “You’ll be here to support me though, won’t you?”

Miso meows and bumps your hand affectionately. You smile, laying back and allowing your eyes to drift shut again, only to jolt upright again when the doorbell rings once more.

Footsteps sound from downstairs, your mother’s voice echoing in the hall as she heads for the door. “I thought everyone was here already,” she remarks. “Are we expecting anyone else?”

“Not a clue,” your father replies. Silverware clatters against plates, and you listen as your aunt calls for your cousins to start setting the table.

Curiosity gets the best of you as the front door opens. Your entire family—even the most distant relatives—have already arrived, and you have no idea who could possibly be at your door so close to dinnertime. Quietly, you make your way down the stairs, just enough to peer into the entryway. A loud gasp escapes you when you see who is standing there.

Kim Taehyung is bundled tightly in an oversized wool coat, a plaid scarf wrapped around his throat and a light dusting of snow covering his shoulders. Gold-rimmed glasses sit on his nose, and when he smiles genially at your mother, all the breath rushes out of your lungs. Your foot slips and thumps against the railing, and you flail your arms wildly in an attempt to regain your balance.

Both Taehyung and your mother turn around at the noise. “{Name}?” the coppery-haired man asks, his voice soft and low and just as melodious as you remember. “You’re really here.”

“Y-yeah. I am,” you murmur, disbelief etching its way across your face as you descend the remainder of the steps and join the two of them in the foyer. “And... so are you, apparently.”

He nods, a bashful smile curling his lips. “Yeah. Sorry for barging in… again. But I thought that maybe—er, maybe we could talk?”

Your mother is glancing between the two of you, brows raised and an odd little smile on her face. “Why don’t you take a walk around the neighborhood? The lights are beautiful during this time of year.”

“That’s a wonderful idea, Mrs. {Last Name},” Taehyung says, his smile widening. “My name is Kim Taehyung, by the way. It’s very nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Taehyung,” your mother replies, shaking his proffered hand. Turning to you, she gestures toward the closet door, stuffed full of your relatives’ jackets and hats. “Don’t forget to put on a coat, honey.”

“Thanks Mom.” You ignore the knowing look she sends you before heading back toward the kitchen, and instead focus on fishing your coat out from the haphazard pile and shrugging it on. And once you’re dressed appropriately for the weather, Taehyung speaks again.

“Walk with me?”

You nod, and together, the two of you step outside into the cold. Taehyung follows your lead as you take a right onto the sidewalk, his breath escaping him in tiny white puffs. It’s snowing, you realize—fat white flakes drifting lazily down from the dark night sky. Reaching out, you catch one on your palm, watching it dissolve away as you try to gather your thoughts.

“I’m sorry to drop by unannounced,” Taehyung begins after a few more seconds of silence have elapsed.

At the same time, you ask, “Why are you here?” Flustered, you stop dead in your tracks, cheeks warming at his surprised expression. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

Taehyung shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. And you’re right. I owe you an explanation… and I probably should’ve called you first before showing up like this. It’s just that—well, Jin told me where to find you, and I just had to come see you.”

You blink, completely dumbfounded by this revelation. “Wait. W-what?”

“It’s crazy, right?” Taehyung chuckles ruefully, pushing his golden glasses farther up his nose. “I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve called. You probably think I’m nuts.”

“Why… why were you talking to Jin?” you ask, still utterly bemused. “I don’t understand.”

Taehyung sucks in a deep breath. “Right, right. I should back up. Jin, he called me at the gallery this morning. And he—well, he didn’t go into much detail, but told me about… about what happened yesterday.”

Your jaw falls slack. “H-he told you about Jungkook? And… and the breakup?”

Taehyung nods. “Yeah. He said that maybe it wasn’t his place to tell anyone, but he seemed insistent that I should talk to you. That I needed to talk to you. So…” He shrugs. “Here I am.”

“I… I can’t believe you’re here,” you stammer, your breath hitching when you meet his gaze directly for the first time. “I can’t believe Jin told you… wow. I’m sorry, Taehyung, I don’t know what to say.”

The coppery-haired man clears his throat, a tentative little smile curling his lips upward. “Maybe I should go first, then,” he says. Slowly, he begins walking again—unable to stay still as he clears his throat a second time and gives you a shy glance. “I really like you,” he finally says, the words escaping him in a whisper that dissolves into mist in the cold air. “I’ve liked you since we met that night at Luxe. I know you might not feel the same way, but I need you to know how I feel.”

Your heart skips several beats at his confession. So Jin was right after all, the voice in your head says, tinged with triumph. Distantly, you realize that Taehyung is still speaking, but all you can hear is the sound of blood rushing through your ears, your mind awhirl with thoughts. And at the forefront of it all, is another little voice in your head—this one declaring that this is all happening too soon and too quickly.

“Taehyung,” you blurt, interrupting him mid-sentence. “I—I’m flattered. And I, um. I like you too. But I just broke up with Jungkook, and I don’t know if I want to jump into something again so soon, and…” You trail off. “I don’t know, Taehyung.”

To your surprise, Taehyung grins. “I understand that. Completely. I just wanted to tell you the truth about my feelings. We don’t have to rush into anything or put labels on it, and we can take it as slow as you want as long as I get to spend time with you.”

Relief blossoms in your chest, lighter than air and lighter than the snowflakes still falling from the sky. “Taehyung,” you say, incredulous laughter lacing your voice. “You’re really too kind to me.”

“Nonsense,” he replies, reaching out to grasp your hand in his larger one. “You’re worth waiting for.”

You aren’t sure how to respond to that sentiment, so you simply squeeze his hand, blinking away the tears that are suddenly pricking at your eyes. The sidewalk in front of you blurs, but Taehyung silently tucks your twined hands into one of his coat pockets and takes the lead. Together, the two of you continue walking around the neighborhood, admiring the lights and decorations strung up on each house. Once you’ve rounded the entire block, you find yourselves back in front of your parents’ house, the sound of happy chatter and laughter ringing from within.

Wordlessly, you pause on the doorstep, neither of you willing to step back inside just yet. A few snowflakes are caught in Taehyung’s dark lashes, each one glittering like a diamond in the golden lights twined around the railing of the porch. Your fingers are still interlaced firmly with his, tucked safely away inside his coat pocket, and when he gives your hand a gentle squeeze, you smile and step a little closer to his warmth.

“I’m glad I came here tonight,” he murmurs, his voice warm like spiced cider, each syllable steeped in honey. You are immediately drawn to the soft curve of his mouth, lingering on the way his lips shape each word.

“Me too,” you tell him. Your fingers itch to twine in his hair and pull him down to your level, but you resist that urge and instead refocus your attention on his warm brown eyes. “Do you want to stay for dinner? I’d hate for you to come all this way and leave hungry.”

Taehyung chuckles ruefully. “It does smell awfully good in there.”

You grin, reaching out and opening the front door. “Then come on in.”

///

“Delicious.”

“Yeah?” Suspiciously, you peer up at your boyfriend, searching for any traces of deceit. As promised, the two of you had taken it slow, but today marks three months into your relationship and you can read him like a book. Finding only honesty in his expression, you accept the spoon he hands back to you and drop it into the sink. “All right. But is this filling as good as the apple pie filling at Luxe?”

Taehyung hums, stepping up behind you and winding his arms around your waist. “Better,” he assures, resting his chin on your shoulder and pressing a soft kiss to your cheek. “I like the extra cinnamon.”

You smile. “Me too. Want to help me with the crust now?”

Reluctantly, he releases you from his embrace with a pout. You giggle and appease him with an extra apple slice, and together, the two of you lift the rolled-out dough, settling it carefully on top of the mound of apples in the pan. Once the sides are trimmed, Taehyung begins to decorate, crimping the edges and cutting slits in the top. He works with deliberate precision, each movement careful and guided, and you cannot look away from the gentle flex of of his fingers as he grabs a knife and begins cutting heart shapes out of the excess dough. You whip up an egg wash as he begins placing the hearts delicately around the sides of the pie, laughing at the look of concentration creasing his face.

When the pie is safely in the oven, the two of you wander into the living room. Taehyung plops down onto the couch and tugs you down onto his lap, laughter rumbling through his chest when you let out a surprised squeak. His hands smooth past the curve of your hips and down to your thighs, massaging the bare skin that your skirt has ridden up to reveal.

“Tae!” you gasp, wrenching your head around to look at him when his fingers brush the seam of your panties. “The pie’s going to burn!”

“The pie’s going to be in the oven for almost an hour,” Taehyung says with a chuckle, leaning forward and nuzzling his nose against yours. “And believe me, that’s plenty of time for what I’m planning to do to you.”

Desire pools in the pit of your belly when he cups your heat, his thumb nudging your clit teasingly before he pulls away and reaches for the hem of your shirt. Slowly, he traces nonsensical patterns into the soft skin of your hips, his mouth finding its way to your neck and leaving a trail of hot kisses there before he pulls back and tugs the thin material off your body entirely.

“No bra?” he breathes, the amusement evident in his voice. “Dirty girl.” His hands find the swell of your breasts, thumbs rubbing the peaks until you begin to squirm and arch against him. A deep ache settles in your core, begging for relief, and you let Taehyung know by reaching back and winding your arm around his neck, fisting your fingers in the soft hair at his nape.

“Tae,” you warble, gasping when he suddenly pinches your hardened nipples. “Oh god, Tae—”

“Turn around,” he mumbles into your shoulder, and you fumble to obey, adjusting your position atop him until you’re straddling his thighs. Taehyung doesn’t waste any time in pulling you closer for a kiss, parting your lips so that he can lap into your mouth. One hand tangles in your hair, angling your head so that he can deepen the kiss, while the other settles at the small of your back. His grip is warm and reassuring against your skin, and when he dips down to squeeze the curve of your ass, you let out a shaky whimper.

Taehyung’s mouth curls into a smirk. He doesn’t break the kiss as he gathers you up in his arms, shifting so that he can lay you back against the couch cushions. Your hands fly up to grasp his shoulders, wrinkling the collar of his silky blue shirt, and, annoyed, you fumble with the buttons at his throat. “Want this off,” you breathe against his lips, and Taehyung pulls back with a wicked grin.

“You first,” he says, thumbs dipping into the waistband of your skirt. In one fluid motion, he’s pulled it off along with your panties, leaving you fully exposed beneath his wandering gaze. You gape at him as he tosses both pieces of clothing away carelessly, crossing your arms across your body instinctively.

“No fair!”

“Darling, when have I ever played fair?” Taehyung asks with a laugh. And when he nudges your legs apart and flicks your clit, every clever retort you’ve come up with flies out of your head.

By this point, your boyfriend’s grin is nothing short of shit-eating. Flopping onto his stomach, he presses your legs a little wider, settling comfortably between them and landing a soft kiss to the sensitive skin just below your bellybutton. Then he trails downward, detouring to your left hipbone and leaving a purplish bruise in his wake before his lips finally latch onto your clit. He gives the bud a hard suck, earning him a throaty moan from you, and when his tongue darts out to flick at your entrance, you gasp his name. “Taehyung!”

“That’s it,” he rasps, his voice dipping several pitches. “Tell me who’s making you feel this good.”

“Y-you are,” you breathe, your fingers scrabbling for purchase on the couch when he licks a long, deliberate stripe up your core. “Oh god, Tae.”

“Good girl,” he praises. Then he dives back back in with renewed vigor, his mouth scorching against your skin. He laves at you insistently—almost messily—and when his index finger delves inside you with no warning, your hips buck up and off the couch.

Taehyung seems to anticipate the motion, for he pulls away in the nick of time. Chortling, he winds his arms around your legs, warm hands splaying against your hips and keeping you in place as he trails kisses along your inner thigh. After what seems like an eternity, he finally refocuses his ministrations on your core, pressing two fingers inside you and curling them until he finds the spot that always has you keening and whining for more.

Pressure is steadily building in your tummy, winding hot and heavy in your core. Every thrust of his fingers, every flick of his tongue against your clit tightens the coil, and when his mouth latches onto the sensitive little bundle of nerves, you cry out and grasp blindly at his coppery hair. “Fuck, Taehyung—”

And then—nothing. All at once, the heat of his body disappears, his tongue and fingers retracting until you are left cold and empty on the couch. Dumbfounded, your eyes fly open, and when you see Taehyung standing at the foot of the couch, you want to stamp your foot in frustration.

“Taehyung!”

Said man tilts his head, unbuttoning the last button on his shirt and letting it fall to the ground. You stare hungrily at the newly exposed skin, raking across the golden expanse of his firm torso. “Patience, darling,” he rasps, taking a few steps forward and settling between your legs once more. “Wouldn’t you much rather come on my cock instead of my fingers?”

The words send a jolt of electric desire spiking through you. Taehyung allows you to unbuckle his belt, hissing when you shove his pants and boxers down his hips and brush against his prominent erection in the process. With a growl, he kicks his pants off his legs before diving down and caging you in with his body, chest pressed flush against yours as he kisses you. Heat rolls off his body in waves, and you groan when you feel his hard cock branding itself against your thigh. Arousal flares in your stomach, even more potent and heavy than before, and you let out another groan as your fingers wind through his hair. “Taehyung, please. I need you.”

“Then you’ll have me,” he growls, straightening up and shifting his weight so that he can position himself at your entrance. You are still drenched from earlier, and when he begins to push forward, the glide is so effortless that he slips right past the barrier and nestles deep inside your core. “You have all of me, you know that?” Taehyung breathes once he’s completely sheathed inside your body. “You always have, and you always will. And I love you so, so much.”

Your fingers tighten in his hair, tugging him down until you can kiss him again. “I love you too,” you murmur, letting your hands wander across the ridges of his cheekbones and down the curve of his jaw. He smiles, and you smile back.

And then he’s moving, pulling back until only the head of his cock remains inside before slamming forward with a force that sends you sliding up the couch cushions. Already, you can feel your walls tensing around him, and Taehyung hisses out an appreciative breath at the sudden pressure. “So tight,” he grits out, snapping his hips again. His thumb rolls lazily against your clit, and he smirks when you whimper. “So tight and pretty and perfect.”

The combination of Taehyung’s relentless thrusts and his wicked fingers on and around your clit prove to be too much. You come undone with a garbled moan, the coil inside you snapping and sending waves of fiery pleasure roaring through your veins. Taehyung manages another half-dozen strokes before his hips stutter and falter, giving in to the overwhelming draw of your body and painting your walls with spurts of white. Groaning, he buries his face into your shoulder, and you giggle at the feeling of his hot breath washing over your slick skin.

Neither of you move for several long minutes, taking the time to unwind and breathe each other in. You card your hands through his hair gently, massaging through the roots, and his arms snake around your waist as he shifts so that he can rest his chin on your sternum and gaze up at you with soft fondness shimmering in his gaze. And you’re sure that you’re wearing the same expression.

In the kitchen, the timer goes off, the sudden ringing loud in the silence. Taehyung huffs out a chuckle at the sound, slowly straightening up and pulling you to your feet alongside him. “Perfect timing, right?” he asks, shooting you a grin and waggling his eyebrows ridiculously.

“Perfect,” you agree. “Absolutely perfect.”

[previous]

[amazingmitchell]

something to play for

genre: fluff, smut/nsfw

word count: 4435

available on: ao3

summary: “the world doesn’t revolve around basketball, lester.”

a basketball!au where phil is the school's star player and dan is his best friend, watching from the sidelines. everything changes when the team makes it to state championships for the first time in ten years and dan and phil realize they want something more than friendship.

author’s note: it's finally here! after months of waiting i can proudly say it's polished and beautiful. eternal thanks to @existentialhouseplant for beta reading it! (UPDATE: i accidentally deleted this whole thing while trying to edit it and i’m frustrated with myself and tumblr and the universe, so the italics aren’t copied over and if you really want them, give it a read on the ol’ ao3).

the bell rings, sending students flying from their desks and out the door. dan shoves his unfinished history assignment into the depths of his backpack and follows his classmates as they pour into the hallway. unlike the rest of them, dan walks to the gym, rather than through the school gates. he gets sour looks from a group of girls standing by the lockers who know all too well where he’s going and who he’s hanging out with.

when he enters the gym, dan doesn’t have to look up to know phil’s on the court shooting baskets. the sound of the basketball slicing through the net and phil’s shoe squeaks echo across the building.

“don’t tell me you have homework again today,” phil calls once he notices dan setting his bag down by the bleachers. 

“i have homework every day,” dan says back, pulling the now wrinkled assignment sheet out of his backpack. “if you have a problem with it, you can take it up with mrs. shelley.”

phil makes a lazy attempt at a three, letting the ball bounce a few times until it hits the wall. “you have to help me practice, though. what’s more important, state championships or some small assignment?”

“the world doesn’t revolve around basketball, lester.”

except it does, and not just for phil. their high school hasn’t had a good basketball team in ten years, but since phil joined the team in september, they’ve won nearly every game. the coach tells all the players it’s a combined effort, not that he’s fooling anyone. phil’s the most talented player in the state and carries the team. for as popular as phil is on the court, he’s pretty quiet in class. he doesn’t let his talent get to his head and only has one real friend: dan. all the popular boys at school tried to become phil’s friend as soon as the team started winning games, but it became pretty evident dan wasn’t sharing. still, there are girls who occasionally go up to phil and ask for his number, to no avail. it explains why dan gets so many dirty looks: everyone wants to see phil lester’s personal side. 

at first, dan expected the basketball hype to die down after the first home game. after their third win in a row, though, it started to sink in that maybe this season is the one. winning twenty of their twenty two games has earned them a spot in the state championship, and now anything anyone can think about is winning the last game of the season. 

dan has supported phil every step of the way, but the problem with the championship game is that it takes place the weekend before finals. earlier in the semester, dan was willing to forget his homework in favor of helping phil practice. today, though, dan puts his foot down.

“this ‘assignment’ is worth fifteen percent of my grade, phil,” dan frowns. “i can’t just not do it.”

phil rolls his eyes, “fine. but if i accidentally hit you from over here, that’s a sign you should be helping me instead.” he picks up the ball again and tries to pump fake dan, but he’s already looking back down at his history project and doesn’t notice. 

dan feels like he’s been working for hours when he looks at the gym clock and finds it’s only been twenty minutes. he groans, setting his papers aside and rolling up his sleeves.

“you certainly look productive,” phil comments with a smirk. “maybe you could use a break.” dan stares at phil blankly. “i could use some help with my defense.” 

sighing, dan stands up and walks across the court to phil. “what do you want me to do?”

“just dribble around and try to make a shot,” phil says, emphasizing the word try as he passes the basketball to dan. dan doesn’t catch it gracefully and it slips out of his grasp. as dan tries to chase after it, phil steals it from him and scores a basket like it’s nothing.

dan throws his hands up. “i don’t know what you expect from me, but you’re definitely not making this easy.”

“that’s the point, howell.” phil tosses the ball back to dan, placing his hands on his hips to take a breath. “just try your best. i promise i won’t go too hard on you.”

dan takes a minute to steady the ball in his hands, then starts dribbling from side to side. he takes a cautious step forward, then another, and another until phil swipes at the ball and dan retreats to the half court line. he tries not to look at phil’s eyes, because he knows he’ll get distracted. phil’s just captivating like that. he’s such a nice person that you don’t even realize when he’s taken the ball from you and scored; it’s completely disarming. even the best players fall victim to his charm, or at least dan hopes that’s the case. 

he breathes in deeply before stepping forward again, this time avoiding phil. he moves around phil and definitely gets away with a double dribble, but finds himself only feet away from the basket. dan puts the ball up and it hits the side of the rim, bouncing into phil’s open arms.

“i’m surprised,” phil smiles. “you’re not actually that bad. your shooting form needs improvement, though.”

“well, since you’re the expert here, why don’t you show me how you’d do it?”

phil walks over to where dan is standing and hands him the ball, this time keeping a hand on the ball and the other on dan’s shoulder. “use your right hand to support the bottom of it,” he says, moving dan’s hand. “put your left hand on the top of it and push the ball up as you jump.”

dan makes a sore attempt to follow phil’s instructions and the ball comes no closer to the basket than before. phil laughs in the background and runs to grab the ball. “it’s not funny,” dan grumbles, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “you know i don’t know how to aim.”

“sorry. i guess i should be resting up for saturday’s game, anyway,” phil says, holding the ball at his hip. “i didn’t hurt your feelings, did i?”

dan shakes his head quickly, “of course you didn’t. some people just aren’t born to play basketball.”

smiling, phil walks over to the utility closet and puts the basketball back on the rack with the others the team uses for practice as dan slings his backpack over his shoulder. “do you want to come over for dinner?” phil asks as he grabs his own bag. “mom’s making a big dinner in celebration of state championships since they’ll be out of state for the game.”

they exit the gym and make their way through the halls. “that’s a family thing, phil, i don’t want to intervene,” dan says. “besides, i still have that history thing to do.”

“okay,” phil says, not wanting to push dan, knowing that he already took away from dan’s study time. “speaking of the championship game, since my parents can’t go, do you think you’d like to go with me?”

“like, go with you on the bus and share your hotel room?” dan asks. “you don’t have to do that for me-”

“well, i want to,” phil presses. “there’s no one i’d want to be with me more.”

dan grins, “i’d love that.” he waves goodbye to phil as they walk past the school gates and head in opposite directions. as dan walks home, he can’t help but notice the strange feeling bubbling in his stomach at the idea of going to state with phil.

—

instead of resting like phil said he was going to, he hits the courts every day for the rest of the week. phil makes free throw after free throw, basket after basket. dan sits on the sidelines and supports phil as much as he can while he does his homework. both dan and phil’s most productive day that week is when the team has their final practice before the game. phil is occupied with the rest of the team, so he doesn’t distract dan from his work. it wasn’t like phil was actually getting much practice in with just dan around, anyway. 

phil’s coach gives the team a long, inspiring speech and credits their success to team effort, but looks directly at phil as he says it. dan notices some of the team members becoming uncomfortable when the coach gets to that part of the speech, so he shoots phil a reassuring smile. dan hates the way he and phil are treated sometimes. phil just doesn’t deserve it.

phil walks out of practice that day with a lump of stress caught in his throat. “you will rest tonight, right?” dan asks as they stand at the front of the school before saying their goodbyes. “you have to get up early to meet the bus in time.”

phil doesn’t say anything.

“are you okay? i know you’re stressed and all but you’re really quiet,” dan says. “at least that means you won’t get t’d up.” that puts a smile on phil’s face, but it fades as quickly as it comes. he stares at dan like he’s worried about something, and dan’s known phil long enough that he knows it’s not just pre-game jitters. “you better figure this out, lester. i’m not sleeping in the same room as someone who’s going to wet the bed,” dan jokes. he punches phil in the arm (softly, of course) and turns to walk home.

—

dan sits on the curb in the school parking lot on his phone as he waits for phil to show up. he checks his texts over and over, but the school’s wifi never was any good. it isn’t until he hears a suitcase being set down behind him that he realizes phil’s here.

“sorry,” phil says, helping dan up. “dropped my straightener on the counter and burnt a hole in my towel.” 

dan frowns, because either phil didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, or he’s still stressed out. “still nervous?” dan asks. 

phil doesn’t have a chance to respond before his coach whistles and waves them over to the bus. they step inside and find that most of the team is already settled in, but thankfully there’s two open seats next to each other near the back of the bus. phil puts their suitcases above their seats, then sits next to dan. 

“i have homework i need to do,” dan says as he takes his laptop out of his backpack. “do you want to pick out a playlist? i always work better with music, and i think it would help you de-stress.”

nodding, phil takes dan’s phone and scrolls through his music for a minute before deciding on 148 by c418. he plugs a pair of earbuds into the phone and offers one side to dan. 

“odd choice, but i’m down for this,” dan says, placing the earbud in his ear and logging into his laptop. while it loads, dan watches as phil leans back in his seat and stares out the window. he would ask phil if he needs anything, but phil looks more relaxed than he’s been all week, and dan smiles. 

—

it takes a few hours to drive to the state capital, but soon enough they’re there and everyone’s anxious to get up and move around. they stop by the hotel to drop off their bags then they’re on the road again, this time to an arcade. it’s the coach’s surprise to the team for making it this far, and to take pressure off the big game tomorrow. 

they start with laser tag, pitting the players and trainers against each other. dan opts to join the team phil isn’t on to make things more fun, even though he knows he’s probably going to lose. when the game begins, dan runs into one of the towers and peeks out the window, searching for phil in the darkness. he shoots the basketball players that are brave enough to cross the large, open field, but there’s still no sign of phil. eventually, all dan’s teammates have been picked off and dan’s pretty sure he and phil are the last ones still in the game. he decides that waiting around for phil isn’t going to work, so he stands up from his hiding spot and turns around.

within half a second, the sound of a laser gun goes off and dan’s own gun turns dark before he can even realize what’s happened. phil had been waiting behind dan the whole game. “you cruel bastard,” dan groans, ripping his vest off. 

phil just laughs, his tongue poking out from his teeth. dan rolls his eyes; that’s phil’s happy laugh. he’s glad phil’s enjoying himself, but this is just unfair. “i’m sorry,” phil says with no sincerity once he takes time to catch his breath. “i got you so good.” 

“yeah,” dan grumbles. he walks out of the tower and phil follows him out of the arena, leaving their guns behind. “i hate you.”

“here, we can play a round of air hockey and i’ll let you win,” phil says. 

dan shakes his head, “there’s no fun in that.”

“do you really think you can beat me otherwise?”

dan inserts a token into the table and picks up a striker. “game on, lester.” 

—

later that night, after the team orders in pizza, dan and phil make their way to their hotel room, exhausted from the day’s events. the first thing they do is collapse on the bed, not bothering to take their shoes off or get comfortable. dan thinks it’s a bit counteractive to exhaust players before the most important game they’ve ever played. either way, it’s the most fun he’s had in a while, even though phil beat him at every game they played. they stare up at the ceiling until the air conditioning turns on and dan has to get up and turn it off before they freeze to death.

“i know i said i hate you, but i’m proud of you, you know that?” dan says as he sits back down on the bed.

phil sits up to reply to him, “what am i supposed to say to that? thanks?”

“you’ve come so far. i remember when you first made the team. i wonder if anyone thought we’d ever be here.”

“you convinced me to try out,” phil defends. “i wouldn’t have made it here without you.”

“you’re such a sap,” dan smiles. he and phil sit like this for a few seconds that feel like slow motion. dan suddenly feels warm under phil’s gaze and he can hear the stillness in the air, the slight ringing in his ears. “do you think we could,” dan trails off and bites his lip. a shiver runs down dan’s spine as phil takes his hand and cups dan’s cheek, tilting his head upwards so he can finally break the tension between the two of them and kiss dan. it’s a kiss so long and deep that it’s dizzying; a warm, fuzzy feeling growing in his stomach and his mouth and everywhere. 

dan pulls away to rest his forehead against phil’s, taking slow breaths and closing his eyes because phil’s blue-green eyes are so intense. he drapes his arms over phil’s shoulders and laughs airily, “shit, phil.”

phil responds by closing the gap and kissing dan again, this time taking dan’s bottom lip in between his teeth. catching dan by surprise, he gasps softly and grabs a handful of phil’s shirt. phil smirks, aware of the mess he and dan are now in. he kisses dan so firmly that he pushes dan’s back against the bed, straddling dan’s legs and placing his hands next to either side of dan to hold himself up as they kiss. it’s the most heavenly thing he’s ever felt, dan thinks. phil’s body above his, their breath hot on each other’s faces. as phil drags dan’s bottom lip through his teeth once more, dan’s sighs become a low-pitched whine. he places his lips along dan’s jawline and kisses lower and lower until he reaches the soft skin on dan’s neck. 

“not there,” dan pants. “‘m sensiti-” he cuts himself off with a load moan as phil bites down gently. phil raises his eyebrows, and dan’s ashamed of how pathetic it seemed. “i warned you,” he grumbles.

“oh my god, dan,” phil breathes, sending a wave of fervor through dan. “you sound so beautiful.”

dan almost moans again at the heaviness of phil’s voice, but he stops himself. “how far do you want to go?” dan asks, and he knows it’s a mood killer, but this is important to him. to both of them. it’s new and tempting and needs boundaries. “i don’t think either of us brought anything, so…” he trails off.

phil pulls away and looks at dan, taking a minute to brush the hair out of his eyes. “maybe we can just get each other off?”

“fuck yes,” dan nods, tilting his head back to allow phil to continue kissing his neck. he lets his hands run up and down phil’s body. dan brushes over phil’s nipples, making him gasp against dan’s skin. tentatively, dan does it again, and this time he elicits a moan from phil. it’s when dan presses down harder that phil can’t take it anymore.

“help me get your pants off,” phil says, not as composed as he was a few minutes ago. phil easily takes his jeans off, but dan has to lift himself up once phil can’t tug dan’s down any further. phil throws them to the other side of the bed once they’re off. he then carefully pulls dan’s underwear down, then his own. they were both clearly straining against the fabric, and dan now shivers in the cold hotel room air. 

dan feels like he should say something, but he’s so tongue-tied with desire that he makes a helpless sound. it’s enough for phil to get the message, and his hand finally wraps around the head of dan’s cock. slick with precum, phil uses it to help pump the rest of dan’s cock. 

it’s absolutely euphoric, and soon dan’s bucking up into phil’s hand and whispering his name with every movement. it sends waves of pleasure through him, and he would be content doing this for hours on end. but somehow, in all the mania, dan reaches his hand out in return, taking phil’s cock in his hand and pumping in time with phil. 

phil bites his lip, trying not to let out the string of curses dan knows is stuck in his throat. dan leans forward to kiss phil and the moans he’s holding back become vibrations that go straight to dan’s cock. phil’s hips involuntarily slide forward, and their cocks rub against each other. phil pulls back, but dan guides phil’s cock next to his again and takes them both in his hand. the added friction brings them both infinitely closer to release.

“phil,” dan cries, rolling his hips as need steadily builds up and courses through his body. “i’m- i-”

phil pumps him over the edge, and anything dan was saying becomes an incoherent mess. phil follows soon after, coming on dan’s stomach like dan had done with him. breathing heavily, he falls on the sheets beside dan. 

once they’ve both calmed down to the point where words seem possible again, phil turns his head to look at dan. “hi,” he says, and dan laughs breathlessly.

“hi,” dan smiles. “we should go wash up.”

—

dan wakes up before phil does, a pair of arms wrapped around him and soft breathing against his neck. it’s the most comforting thing he’s ever felt, the feeling of being safe and warm in phil’s embrace. dan looks over at the clock and it’s well past eight, but the team doesn’t need to be at the arena until later, so dan sighs and closes his eyes to fall asleep again. 

until he realizes that the game—the biggest game the team’s played yet—is today, and dan just slept with the star player. it’s a feat almost everyone at school should be jealous of, but it sends dan’s mind racing. not only did he tire phil out more than he already was, what if he gets distracted during the game? dan knows phil’s always calm and collected on the court, but what if? what if dan lost the game for phil before it even started? phil was already nervous on the bus ride up. did dan make it worse? or would phil get mad at him for causing this mess?

the warm feeling of being next to phil is replaced by a sickness to his stomach. he pries away from phil, biting his lip with a frown as he hears phil mumble something in protest beside him. “good morning,” phil says, stretching. his heart leaps at the sound of phil’s voice, but his thoughts shut his feelings down again.

“morning,” dan mutters without looking back. he gets up and takes a change of clothes out of his bag, heading into the bathroom to change while avoiding phil’s slightly confused stare as much as possible. turning on the faucet, he splashes his face with water, but he knows nothing can hide the bruise on his neck and the plumpness of his lips. 

when he comes out of the bathroom, and for the rest of the morning, for that matter, dan shuts his mouth and tries not to look at or think about phil. if i’m not distracted by him, maybe he won’t get distracted by me. they pile onto the bus after a long and silent breakfast (from all the team, who were clearly nervous about playing such an important game), and dan slides into the window seat. out of the corner of his eye, dan sees phil try to hold his hand, but he pulls away before they touch. 

“are you okay, dan?” phil asks in a quiet voice. 

“just tired,” dan says back, and he can tell phil doesn’t buy it. and dan isn’t entirely wrong; he’d have loved to stay in bed with phil for another hour, but today is phil’s day. today is about basketball.

at the arena, phil and the team stop by the locker room to drop their bags off and talk strategy for the game, something dan isn’t invited to. he and the other friends and family that went along for the trip find seats in the arena itself, bustling about game predictions and final scores. dan finds a seat further up in the stands and scrolls mindlessly through his phone for what feels like hours before both teams come out for warmups. when dan glances up, there’s now a lot more people than there were before, and he meets phil’s searching eyes on the court and he can’t bear to stare at phil anymore. the look phil gives dan once he realizes dan isn’t in his usual courtside seat makes dan want to run down and let him know he’s okay. 

dan tries to pay attention to the other team warming up, and the fact that they’re making most of their shots doesn’t put dan’s mind at ease. this is going to be a tough game for phil, but he can handle it, right? he hopes phil can, because soon enough, warmups are over and the teams go to their benches for their final pep talk. dan looks to their team’s huddle, but he doesn’t see phil’s jersey number, and it’s not because he’s sitting further away. he looks for any sign of phil in the sidelines before he notices a familiar jersey jogging up the steps. 

“i saved you a seat by the bench,” phil says, resting his hands on his hips. “better view up here?”

“not really,” dan hesitates, struggling to find something to say that isn’t going to make him seem like a terrible friend. 

“did i do something wrong?” phil asks, and dan doesn’t think he’s ever seen phil more heartbroken in his life. “is this about last night? because i really liked it, and if you didn’t-”

“i shouldn’t have kissed you,” dan says. phil takes dan’s hands into his and pulls dan up until he’s standing. “what if i distract you during the game? what if i make you lose? you were exhausted last night and i probably pushed you too far, and i know you’ve been nervous since before we left.”

phil laughs and rolls his eyes, “i was nervous about sharing a room with you, silly, not about the game. i’ve been mad about you for years, and i finally had my chance to tell you. when i found out you felt the same way, i didn’t have anything to be nervous about anymore. but i freaked out again when you were acting differently. i thought wow, maybe you don’t really like me the way i like you. i would have been thinking more about if you hated me or not than what’s happening in the game.”

“really?” dan asks. 

“i like seeing you cheer me on in the sidelines,” phil smiles, swinging their arms back and forth. “it gives me something to play for.” phil draws him into a hug, rubbing dan’s back.

“god, i’m sorry,” dan whispers, and he tries to put words to his feelings, but if he says anything else, he’ll probably cry. he can’t believe he’s made things so much worse than they were, but all he wants to do is focus on being in phil’s arms again. 

“come on, you’ll make me late.” phil, with dan in tow, walks back down the stairs and around to the other side of the court to the bench. he gives dan a quick kiss, leaving dan just as blushy as he was the last time the kissed, before apologizing to the coach and joining the huddle. 

—

phil wins. the team wins, really, but it’s all phil at the end. it’s the best game of his career and at the final buzzer, everyone in the building knows it. dan rushes onto the court with the rest of the players on the bench, wrapping his arms around phil once the two meet.

“you are so sweaty,” dan shouts over the cheering. 

“shut up,” phil says, and in front of thousands of people, to be replayed on the news that night, phil kisses dan. 

[wonderlustlucas]

honey - na jaemin

⇢ prompt Mara Dyer and Noah Shaw kind of love. ⇢ pairing jaemin x female reader ⇢ word count 3.9k ⇢ genre fluff ⇢ warnings an ungodly amount of fluff ⇢ summary Everyone knows Jaemin is a flirt, but only a few are lucky to truly know him. The luckiest have his love.—highschool!au ; unintentional noah shaw!au ⇢ a/n sorry for not posting anything for awhile! life’s been pretty crazy and prob will be for another month or so, but once school’s over i should be posting a lot more!! i have a lot of ideas & i would love to take requests just kno they won't be out for awhile lol:)) also i couldn't choose between these 2 gifs so i kept both hahahsahdjdfjdf ALSO PART 2 this is a late edit but,,,this is based off an american school system in case there’s confusion

moodboard

It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that Na Jaemin was an outright flirt.

Everything about him was charming in their own special way—from his very infamous beaming smile, to big brown eyes dazzling with mischief, gentle features but impeccably jovial personality, Jaemin broke hearts left and right simply by existing.

Just like the majority of those who found themselves in the unknowing hands of Jaemin, you brought it upon yourself. While you could have listened to the sensible part of your brain, telling you he was more than out of your league, something about Jaemin unexplainably drew you in and locked you there forever. And while it could have ended with a broken heart, one thing led to another and you couldn't help but feel as if it was meant to be.

Your first meeting with Jaemin was enough to have your curiosity peaked. It had been your second day at the new school, having recently moved and, evidently, needing to transfer. As if you weren't stressed enough, your locker wouldn't open.

You struggled in rushed aggravation, curling sweaty fingers around the knob and yanking as if, even after your past attempts, it would miraculously open. “I hate everything,” you hissed between breaths, twisting your wrist awkwardly in order to slip your fingertips through the cracks and somehow, someway, pop the door open.

You growled, slamming a first on the red metal with a thunderous bang because it was only your second day and you could not be late to a class for the fifth time.

You groaned obnoxiously, banging your forehead against the cold metal and accepting the fact that your life was just about worthless now—you contemplated just dropping out, giving up everything, and raising goats for the rest of your life.

“Are you alright?”

Every muscle of your body froze at the sudden voice, and when you glanced up in the direction you swallowed hard because wow, he was cute, but brushed it off and offered a weak smile. “My locker won't open,” you admitted, cringing at how pathetic the entirety of your predicament was.

However, the redhead replied with a beaming grin that reached his eyes and you nearly toppled over at just how gorgeous he was. Was it even allowed to be that attractive? You were stunned. “Lemme see,” he said, inching closer and you instinctively moved back in fear he would hear the rapid beating of your heart.

You ogled at him mindlessly as he fiddled with the shitty metal, rosebud lips pursed and defined eyebrows scrunched in concentration. Your gaze wandered to his hair, and you asked without thinking, “Are you naturally a ginger?”

He glanced up for a second, tearing his attention away from your locker and averting it to you, an impression of sweetness like vanilla pudding gracing his features. “No,” he chuckled, “it’s just dye.”

“Looks good,” you uttered back with red hotness burning up your neck, looking down at your feet even after he turned back around.

“C’mere,” he instructed seconds later, “put your knee here and push.” You did as he said, trying to sweep away the fact that he suddenly was incredibly close and instead focused on putting your weight against the metal where he pointed to.

With a strong bang against the top, Redhead managed to, somehow, pop the door open and you leaped back. “I would've never managed to do that,” you gushed, “thank you so much. I owe you one.”

“Don’t mention it,” said Redhead with a satisfied grin, and you spun around to fetch the books you came for in the first place, quietly aware of the fact that he hadn't walked away yet.

“What’s your name?” He asked suddenly and you jumped in surprise, completely and utterly flustered by his presence. There was something about him that you couldn't put a finger on, something luxurious and warm like hot tea in the dead of winter. You told him, of course, heart thumping so wildly you feared a heart attack was possible when yet another charming smile graced his face.

“I’m Jaemin,” he replied, “I guess you’re new?”

“Sadly, yes. It’s, uh, nice to meet you, despite the circumstances,” you said in hushed awkwardness, laughing quietly and mentally slapping yourself for being so cringey.

“Yeah, you too,” he smiled again, “are your fingers okay?”

“What?” You laughed shakily.

You watched in quiet admiration as he reached out and gently took hold of your free hand. “Oh,” you shrugged, forcing a smile when he pinched the crimson indent on the pad of your index finger, “that’s just from trying to get the locker open. It’ll go away.”

“Alright,” said Jaemin, big brown eyes twinkling, “I’ll see you around?” 

“Sure—yeah,” you said, forcing your brain to start functioning once he let go of your hand like one would slap the television remote, “I’ll see you.”

You spun around abruptly and sped down the hall, clutching the textbook for dear life and a heavy sigh escaped your lips because holy shit. However, once you were at the end of the hallway, you made the mistake of turning around for a split second and glancing back.

The gorgeous locker-busting master was still standing there, a lazy smile displayed on his pretty face.

A few hours later, you found yourself sitting at a lunch table with a group of girls you hardly considered acquaintances, sluggishly loosening ramen in its cheap plastic cup.

“So, how’s your second day going so far?”

After a few seconds deemed way longer than necessary, you finally processed the words and realized they were meant for you. “Oh,” you coughed, shrugging and pausing your lazy ramen mixing to look up at the four girls, “it’s okay, I’m just tired.”

“Tell me about it,” said Hayley, the pretty brunette with lively hazel eyes you became especially fond of. “Have you met any more people?”

“Uh, yeah, actually,” you mumbled nonchalantly, “Jaemin’s, his name.”

All four suddenly looked at you with wide eyes and you shrunk back in your seat. “Jaemin?” They whispered in unison.

“Uh, yeah?”

They suddenly catapulted questions at you all at once, asking for a slew of details you, sadly, didn’t have. Once they calmed down, you told them of your brief encounter with the boy before asking, “Why’re you acting like it’s the end of the world?”

“He’s the cutest guy in our class.”

“In the school, you mean.”

“That’s a lie, Donghyuck is the cutest.”

“It doesn't matter! They’re all cute!”

“Jaemin is like, the cutest guy ever. And he’s such a sweetheart.”

“No way, he’s a total bad boy like the rest of them. Have you seen him at parties?”

A sigh of disinterest slipped past your lips and you went back to plopping kimchi into the steaming cup. “So, I’m assuming he’s a pretty big heartthrob around here?” You asked, slurping at the noodles and glancing back up at the girls.

“Oh, yeah. I don't know if he does it purposely, but he’s such a flirt. Everyone has been obsessed with Jaemin at one point,” the stout blonde, Daisy, said, “it’s kind of hard not to.”

You grunted in response. It’s not that you were disappointed—there was no reason to be—but hearing that the redhead’s overall beauty was already established throughout the school and that he wasn’t some shy, mysterious boy no one paid any mind to was more or less, well, disappointing.

Your second major interaction with Jaemin was puzzling in its own way. And the more you mulled over it, the more your brain became a spinning top. While you had seen him more than once during and in between classes offering quiet small talk, this was different, personal, special—no matter how long and hard you tried forgetting about it, something about the way he talked and acted was absolutely unforgettable and you couldn't stop thinking about him and that you may have stumbled upon a side of Jaemin no one else knew.

It was a Saturday night, you were home alone, glaring at the remaining boxes left in your room and discerning whether you wanted to unpack its contents. You had put it off for over a week, but the thought of having to do anything of that sort was incredibly unappealing.

Instead, you struggled into a pair of jeans and slipped on sneakers before making your way down to the garage, hopping on your bike, and speeding away with no specific destination in mind.

The bustling part of town was only ten minutes away and it didn’t take long to stumble into a shop that was still open and seemed somewhat interesting. The bookstore was small, wedged between two taller brick buildings, but warm and cozy in its own simple way. Leaving your bike locked outside, you pushed open the door and a bell jingled, notifying whoever was inside of your presence. Not surprisingly, it was empty from what you could see, and the few lights within the rosy-colored space showered the shelves with a pleasant glow that in some way made it feel like home.

It was almost eight-thirty, and you expected that the quaint store would be closing soon so you made a beeline for what you wanted. That is if they had it.

Fortunately, it didn’t take long, and you were incredibly excited that you may have, in fact, found your favorite place in this so far shitty town.

“A Separate Peace?”

You jumped, cold shivers racing down your spine at the inquiry and you spun in the direction. It was a sequel to your locker predicament, apparently, because the only redhead you had met so far was standing only a few feet away, hands deep in his pockets and looking gorgeous as always.

“You’ve read it?” You asked, ignoring the bugging curiosity within you to know whether he worked here or not and swallowing the lump of nervousness lodged in your throat.

“Have you?”

“Yeah, a few times,” you said, completely entranced with the way the warm glow of the lights made Jaemin look so incredibly unreal. “It’s a good one,” he commented, reaching for the novel in your hands and you reluctantly let him take it, “not my favorite, though.”

“What is?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I have too many,” Jaemin shrugged with a gentle smile, handing the book back to you, “how ‘bout you?”

“No, but I find myself going back to it,” you admitted, finally taking notice of the round, copper glasses sitting low on the bridge of his nose, “it has a really deep meaning that I like, I guess.”

“Have you ever read Lord of the Flies?” He asked suddenly.

“Of course. It’s a little depressing, don’t you think?”

Jaemin shrugged, “It’s realistic though. Our species is pretty shitty.” You pondered his statement and shrugged as well. “I think it was just because it was all boys,” you teased, grinning back at him when he rolled his eyes with a snicker. Without replying, Jaemin wrapped his hand around your wrist and led you to the back of the shop, the sudden act finally reminding you of just who you were talking to and an immediate blush burned its way up your cheeks.

Jaemin stopped at the back corner of the store, where an incredibly small wooden coffee table and two leather sofas, each embellished with small patches absent of leather and old pillows that reminded you of something you’d find at a yard sale, sat surrounded by more towering bookshelves. “Do you want hot chocolate?”

You finally glanced back to him, heart swelling in your chest at his kindness before nodding at his question. “What else have you read?” He asked, fidgeting with the Keurig machine hidden on the bottom shelf of the coffee table. “I don’t know, there’s a lot. Have you ever heard of the Mara Dyer trilogy?”

“I have not. Is that your favorite?”

“Yeah, that’s my favorite,” you replied, settling onto the couch and immediately moving your hand to pick at one of the tears in the leather, studying Jaemin with a certain curiosity as he searched through novels on the closest oak bookcase.

“What about this?” He asked suddenly, tossing the novel to you and luckily you were quick enough to catch it. Your mouth went slack once you realized it was the first book of Fifty Shades of Grey. “No. Have you ever read the Bible?” You fired back, blushing furiously but still glaring at him playfully.

This became a regular occurrence. At first you went in once a week just to buy a new book once you had, in fact, learned that he worked at the quiet store, but by the increasing number of visits every week it soon became clear that visiting the tiny store had more to do with the gorgeous boy working inside rather than the endless supply of novels. He’d wait to close the shop until you arrived late in the evening, hot chocolate already made and mind buzzing with thoughts about the newest book you had recommended.

The same went for you—it was an unspoken agreement to suggest new books to one another each week and return days later with thoughts about them. It had started when you caught him slipping The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer into his locker and flashed a knowing smile, which he rolled his eyes in return. A few days later, he noticed the covers of both The Great Gatsby and Wuthering Heights in your book bag and teased you nonstop.

You knew Jaemin for four months when he came into school one day with his hair dark brown, the color of espresso and chocolate and amounting to make him look much older and maturer than he had with the diluted strawberry brown. It was a surprise on that Monday morning—you hadn’t seen him at all that weekend, too preoccupied with a slew of homework to find any time to head downtown.

However, you had made it a point to call him and vent to him about your thoughts on Paper Towns, but he never mentioned the change of hair color during your hour call. And so, to see him so... so hot, even dressed in the preppy school uniform, made your skin crawl because Jaemin wasn't hot. Jaemin was cute and innocent and precious like a puppy. This.

This was different.

You were waiting at your locker, as usual, green tea in hand for him because Jaemin hated sociology first period, scrolling through Instagram with your free hand. It was the quiet hush of whispers followed by the obnoxious hoot from who you assumed are Jaemin’s friends that made you glance up, taking a slow sip of the tea just to annoy him. Lord knows, he did not like sharing his green tea or chocolate milk.

However, when he finally rounded the corner and came into full view, your heart literally, one hundred percent stopped and you suddenly forgot how to breathe. How was it that he always had to shock you? For a while, you had more or less became desensitized, say, to Jaemin’s perfection by becoming such good friends. Of course, it was impossible to not be attracted to him, but you had drilled it into your head that he was unarguably untouchable and settled that friends were better than nothing.

He sauntered his way over, running slender fingers through the new dark locks, completely oblivious to the stares he was getting before snatching the tea from your grip before you could steal another sip. “You dyed your hair,” was all you said.

“You bashed Paper Towns,” he fired back, inching closer but you barely noticed, too preoccupied fiddling with a strand of his hair in admiration. “I did not, I told you I liked it, I just wished Margo was included m—”

He kissed you.

It completely caught you off guard, you certainly weren't expecting it, having to swallow the rest of your sentence and drop your hands to grip at his fleece sweater because holy shit, he was kissing you.

Your brain short-circuited for a moment before kickstarting once more and you finally kissed him back, it was chaste and achingly raw and he pulled away before you could even process what you were doing.

You were embarrassed that your lips followed his, eager for his gentle touch and the softness of his velvet lips on yours again, but a bright grin from him settled your nerves and you were suddenly hit with the weight of your actions.

“You just kissed me,” you accused, jabbing a finger into his chest but snaking your other hand up to lay across his shoulders. “You were staring really hard, I thought it was a good opportunity,” he replied, a lackadaisical smile softening his pretty features.

“Okay,” you whispered, reaching up once more to touch his hair, “people are staring, you know.”

“Let them,” he grinned fully this time, dipping down again and pressing yet another quick kiss to your lips and you swore you never wanted to taste or feel anything else again.

The first bell rang obnoxiously and you winced, cursing the school for ruining the moment and having to keep yourself from frowning when Jaemin pulled away, even though his fingers were intertwined with yours. When did that happen?

“I’ll see you?” He asked, smiling in such a fond way you couldn’t help but smile back.

“Yeah, I’ll see you.”

The slew of questions hurled at you from both friends and strangers after that was expected, but what was more disappointing was that you didn't know.

Were the two of you dating? Talking? You didn’t know.

Since when was there something between the two of you? You didn’t know.

Was that kiss just a spur of the moment kind of thing? You didn’t know.

Or was it the beginning of something more? You didn’t know and it was starting to drive you insane. After a full week of school and no mention from either of you about whatever happened on that Monday morning, you found yourself lying in bed, wondering what the fuck was going on?

Jaemin acted as if nothing had ever happened and you hesitantly went on with it, hoping it would come up again but it never did. You didn’t go to the bookstore that week either, replying to his texts that you didn’t have time and he luckily didn't question it.

However, fate always had a way.

Saturday night, Hayley managed to get you to leave the house for some party you truly had no interest in. She claimed that you could use some drinks to get your mind off the entire situation no matter how hard you expressed to her that napping would have just the same effect.

The social event in itself reminded you of a dingy middle school basement party, fun for those who made the effort and impeccably boring for those who just watched and did not want to be there in the first place. The music was so loud it made your skin tingle and brain turn to mush, you could barely hear what Hayley whispered in your ear before she disappeared into the crowd jumping like Tic-Tacs being shaken in its container.

You sighed sadly, leaning into the counter and gazing over the multitude of drink options before loud laughter stole your attention and you glanced up. You were more than awestruck to see Jaemin decked out in white joggers and a white tee shirt, but what really shocked you was to witness his friends cheer him on as he chugged whatever liquor was in the glass bottle held to his lips.

I guess the rumors are true, you wondered, recalling all the times you heard of how hard Jaemin and his circle partied.

Jaemin suddenly pulled the bottle away with a grimace and shoved it into Jeno’s arms. Before he could walk away, Chenle grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him in close, and seconds later, Jaemin spun around and found you across the room, smiling brightly but it quickly fell because wow, since when did you wear tube tops? He was sauntering over in a blink of an eye, and it happened all too fast before you until Jaemin was standing just inches away.

“I didn’t realize you were such a skilled drinker,” you commented, raising a brow at his clouded expression. “I didn’t know you wore such revealing clothes,” he retorted, voice surprisingly clear and you presumed that was his first drink. “Shut up, Jaemin.”

“I never said I didn’t like it,” he grumbled, quieting for moment to fight an internal battle before finally caving in and reaching out to wrap his arms gently around your waist.

Needless-to-say, you were uncomfortable around Jaemin for the first time since you had met him.

The urge to kiss him was borderline unbearable, but the voices deep within you reminded you of just who it was and how he never once brought up your first kiss. And yet, here he was, the alcohol not fully in effect, pulling you into him and resting his forehead against yours.

“We should talk. About things,” you stammered out, heart beating sporadically and brain not fully functioning when he looked at you with all the wonder in the world within his big brown eyes. “Not tonight, but soon,” he sighed, lifting his head and instead tugging you into a hug, “I love you.”

Your heart stopped beating. The music stopped roaring. The students stopped dancing. The world stopped rotating. The universe and everything in it completely stopped.

He what?

“What?” You laughed shakily, leaning backward to look at his pretty face once more and finding not a trace of laughter. “You heard me. I love you,” he smiled softly.

“Jaemin, don’t say that. High school relationships are dumb, it’s all bullshit. Love is a very dangerous thing, you can't just throw that out there,” you stammered, not realizing you were holding onto his arms with an iron grip until he took your hands in his.

“Good thing we’ll be graduating and won’t be in high school much longer then, because I’m absolutely in love with you,” Jaemin whispered, you could feel the genuineness laced in his words and nearly toppled over. He loved you?

You stared at him silently, his confession seeping slowly into the confines of your brain and heart like molasses. It felt somewhat like a dream, like none of him was real and you were only imagining his sincerity and his beauty and his lips. It was soft and sweet like honey the way you kissed him, shutting out the rest of the world and focusing only on him because holy shit, “I love you,” you muttered, pulling him close again and he finally relaxed in your arms.

You loved him. More than you knew you had. Maybe it was when he had kissed you Monday morning in front of everyone you realized you loved him. Or maybe you fell in love with him the first Saturday night at the bookstore, when you drank hot chocolate and talked about novels even though he was a stranger. Or maybe you loved him the first time you met him when he went out of his way to pop open your doomed locker.

Whenever it was, you knew you loved Jaemin and he loved you. And even though humanity was pretty messed up like it is in Lord of the Flies and there should have been more about Margo in Paper Towns, maybe you would have a Mara Dyer and Noah Shaw kind of love forever.

[heyitstesagain]

Meeting G Malkmus

30th December, 2017. Saturday, I received an anonymous like on this app, which I re- downloaded on my phone, that same night I did say hi, however didn’t hear back, so I went sleeping, after speaking to couple of those other gross people, oh and one of those bunch of peeps asked me if I’m on it to have some warmth during the winter, “warmth,” Seriously??, who talks like that, that man is a manager at a Chelsea Pizzaria, an Italian male, (eww, Italians who are into family and all, you know, guhh) who apparently was or still is in attempt to provide winter warmth to bunch of those desperate females in their 30s I guess, anywho, let’s not drag it along too much, let’s get back to focusing on G, let me refresh your memory who that is, it is that man who just liked me randomly thinking I’m a cutie, even though I revealed I’m 4’11″, and do not want children, men, huh?! And creatures that they like?!

So then the next morning, December 31, a sunny funny cozy Sunday, I was sleeping just fine and around 10.30 in the morning he said “Hey Tes, are ya originally from New York?! Hmm?! I wonder why would he ask me that?

I just said: Hi?! I evaluated these two possibilities or three, well I’m a non- white woman and from New York, so that’s usually the first question you’d get from out of towners and that’s to generate an answer to find out when did you actually immigrated to the United States? That was case one, then second was the fact, that some of those pictures that I’ve put up on that app was my recent visit to the Netherlands, he might have seen those and wanted to know if I live here or visiting, because men apparently can control their emotions based on the fact whether the female is a visitor or a locale?! Men, huh, in general?! In their entirety?!

Thirdly, which was apparently the reason he fell for me was if I indeed was born and raised in New York, because growing up at a suburban mid western town this kid has imagined himself of being born and raised in New York City?! Did he? You know how that goes with the indie/ alternative lovers, people that listened to the Velvet Underground growing up, would wanna troll Lou Reed, and at this point I’m pretty sure he legit tried to think about coming up with another soup container like Campbell like Warhol, since he’s by trade into mechanical or technical drawing?! Based on this third hypothesis: I’d say he wanted to know if I am indeed a New York breed, body and soul, full- fleshed, rigid walking and talking?! Or may be because he felt that I like him for being him? As he sensed that, or may be its familiar pain? Would I ever know? Or may be he felt that, I’m way too artistic for a non artist? And that’s his thing?  

And the exact idea of me, all of a sudden will start seeming too good be true?! As if: a non white, 30yo, NewYork woman from Queens would know Baumbach and religiously watch everything that Wes Anderson has ever done and also think of you legit resemble Mike Mills (creatively & in congruity) now that’s an anomaly?!

Well now getting back to how I responded to his asking if I’m from here, “originally?”

 “Yeah!” Short and simple, honestly I didn’t know he will write me back, came unexpected?! Why did he?!

Was that because he has devalued himself with time for the past 18 months, otherwise why would someone this talented, who makes these paintings⬇️⬇️

full of ethics and integrity and apparently intensely good-looking without even knowing have dared to write a low- life like this female, which is me, why?!

We will get back to that shortly, but then I thought, it’s Sunday morning, why did I have to go say “hi” in the first place on a Saturday night, that would generate a response kind of obvious and now I’ve to keep talking to him, so I prohibited myself from saying anything after that “yeah,” as in I’m originally from New York, for some reason later around the mid afternoon, I asked:

T: You?

G: I’m from Fort Wayne, Indiana, came to New York to make films and paint, and not be bored, Indiana is boring!

T: Okay

G: What do you do?

T: I just work

G: No I mean like for fun? Movies, or bars, or sports, or weed, or whatever?

T: I watch a lot of movies, I get paranoid with weed, and I’m an awful drinker, I sleep for fun?! Being lazy is kind of fun?!

(Wasn’t really liking him as much, and was wondering why he kept talking? On a Sunday, December 31, when guys are busy making plans for the eve), however; he responded with something which piqued my interest a little further… which goes:

G: Lol, yeah I agree with that. I’ve watched 5 movies this weekend already (inside my head, I was like, omg, I do that by the time it’s Sunday, did I meet my soul mate? ) I don’t usually watch THIS (now he does that, text in all caps to emphasize the expression/ or moment) much, but it’s fucking cold out (like oh my god, does he think that it’s civilized, and not un- hip to stay home and watch movies and not talking to people and not do activities, i. e. gym, laundry, ice- fucking- skating, rock- climbing, upstate- hiking, might have really met my souls mate, a home-body? The rarest breed in men to find, I haven’t met one before)

T: Yep, so are you not doing anything tonight?

G: I’ve a big freelance job I’ve to do tonight, you?

T: I’m not doing anything, which I don’t usually majority of the time? What kind of freelancing?

G:Video editing, I also sometimes do writing and graphic design.

What kind of thing are you looking here on KosherAllegory (I mythicized the name of the app in here, “cliched” much?!)

T: I don’t know yet, what about ya? ( I might have come off standoff- ish and non- chalant, but was not on purpose, I promise, never honestly didn’t or still don’t believe in app, however, I met my soul mate in here, him?!)

G: Hopefully a girlfriend, but not forcing it, sometimes it’s just fun to meet new people (okay so he isn’t going anywhere with me, it’s just fun to meet new people, just passing time, chatting by?!!)

T: okay, has anything ever turned serious off of here?

G: yes, I had a serious thing with a girl I’ve met on here a few years ago, when that ended I eventually used it again and met some cool people but nothings gotten too serious. Are you new to KosherAllegory?

T: Well I have it on my phone, but honestly I never use it, not finding anyone worth chatting that’s all?!

G: Oh cool, well I feel lucky then, would it be easier to just text message?

T: yeah

He then left his number and I started texted him, should of just shut it right there, right then, but I didn’t and we kept talking for three weeks before meeting on January 18th, it was a Thursday, and was extremely cold out, we both felt that our souls just connected and physically we were like those two missing pieces of a Jigsaw puzzle?!

Ironically, both our mothers had left us at a time when they were not supposed to, at a point when we would struggle forever and keep looking for a shelter, and would keep looking for them and mess up our entirety to just find that soul thats never tired of being unsatisfied?! And also we both are or have been estranged from our fathers, it’s like we have found each other!!! He’s that ugly feet twin of mine?!

& then we lost each other again, I’m on this train on my way home, it’s March 23rd, 2018, another Friday, 6.54 PM, I’m on an F train, super uncertain that I’ll ever get to see G again?!

As I’m typing away, he’s just a week away from packing up his life of last 6/7 years that’s spent in here and moving back home, near Fort Wayne, Indiana?!!!

True, he never was around, but in a way he was, in my soul, around me, beneath me, above me, all over me and in my thoughts and in my existence, people say true longing always comes back, I’d never know now of how much of that’ll ever be true but I’ll rather just have to see it through… ???!!!

Until the end of this universe?! Haha, joke?! That even a bad one, but you’ll laugh at it, only ya (paraphrased from “here,”<PAVEMENT>my only fav song from your indie man)

Caution & Trigger Warning:

I’ve exclusively used materials and pictures without permission, might get sued for violating privacy and also violation of someone’s copyright of 2017!

[trashcanwriting]

Commonwealth Survival Guide

Chapter 1: America of Tomorrow, Yesterday!

Summary: 

Unfrozen in a Hellscape she could not understand, Evangeline, the eight-year-old niece of Nathaniel and Nora Clawson, starts the journey to find her Uncle and Baby Cousin in the Commonwealth to reunite her family.

 Next Chapter: All I Have To Do Is Dream

The day where the world was destroyed by War and radiation has been typically undocumented, people knew of that day in the Commonwealth, but no one really knew how fast it went, how one moment it was a calm Saturday morning and the next you were either dead, in the hands of Vault-Tec or underneath the ground in a home shifted bunker. How barely anyone knew if this was a drill or not until they were nothing more than Earth and soot. The way humans fought can be cruel. That would never change.

The day she lost her family because of the War she wouldn’t forget: the day was a chilled Saturday in October. A normal, lazy weekend day where kids were home, parents were relaxing on the couch and Mister Handies was doing yard work. The houses on the suburban road were quiet during these days, somewhere out already to Concord or in the yard to enjoy the mild weather.

The aura of the suburban cul de sac so much more relaxed during weekends, without school or the workload, the domestic took this time to enjoy themselves, and most importantly to the child, her bed. She had been awake for some time, lazily posed as the world slowly went by without her, eyes shut as she stayed motionless. Her arm looped around her doll, though she had many, only one was allowed in her bed. A stuffed toy named Booboo, she has had the toy since infancy: Her face stuffed into the stomach of the thing. Her face was towards the wall, forgetting all about the world outside.

The rays of sun that filtered through was tinted a cream pink by her lace drapes, bringing light to her brightly aesthetic bedroom. Saturdays were where she could laze around until her friend was ready to play, awaiting her newest comic edition or planning out her newest Halloween costume.  She might have stayed in bed much longer than she was allowed, but she was stirred awake by her Uncle and Aunt’s Mister Handy robot.

She winced as her door creaked open, and the soft noise of the floating robot inched closer, he always made a whirring, hoovering sound. He had a booming voice and would not take a no for an answer- ever.

“Good morning, Young Ma’am! Your Sugar Bombs are awaiting you on the table!” The robotic happily chirped, exiting her room as soon as he came. She huffs, rolling onto her side, lifting herself by her elbows. She knew if she stayed in bed much too long, Codsworth would wake her much louder the next time he entered to check on her process of waking up.

Gathering all the energy she could, she rose from the soft mattress, crawling off the side of the bed onto the carpeted floor below her. Once out of her perch, she walked towards her dresser to pick her attire for that day. She felt a bit sleepy, but the ideas of Sugar Bombs and maybe sneaking a Nuka Cola was exciting enough to get her through getting ready.

Opening the double doors of her dresser, she slides the hangers of dresses one by one- all of which were stained, a bit ripped, or sun bleached from outdoor play. She chose the one with a mustard stain and a rip on the skirt where she had jumped over a gate: A casual black gingham jumper dress, with a long sleeve white button blouse. She was humming to herself, fastening one of her buttons on the jumper strap.

This dress was allowed to be ruined, unlike the second door of her storage, full of formal attire and fluffy socks that scratched her ankles. She didn’t enjoy wearing those, avoiding them at all cost. Yet, Aunt Nora had been talking up this evening for a week, and Evangeline knew she would suffer a tight hairstyle and uncomfortable dress in the very near future- of that evening.

Uncle Nate was having a speech at the Veterans Hall, somewhere in Cambridge. Aunt Nora had gone to the clothing shop and spent all afternoon finding a dress to best go with Uncle Nate’s suit. She knew she would have to brush her hair, attend without her sweater and being on her very best behavior. The idea of being stared at by all those people because she was Uncle Nate’s niece, related to the War Hero, and being judged for every step she made was nerve-racking.

She hoped Booboo could come, Aunt and Uncle never made her feel bad about Booboo. Her doctor called him a comfort item- so Uncle Nate was nice about bringing him everywhere now. She grabbed her final piece of attire, a large, oversized knitted sweater. She slid it over her dress, hurrying out of her room to find Nora and Nate to share breakfast.

As she ran through the hallway, the bathroom door was wide opened, allowing the girl to see her caregivers in front of the bathroom sink, simply discussing things and preparing for the day. She slowed, wondering if they would join her in breakfast. Sometimes during the busier days, she would have breakfast first and then run out to the bus- it wasn’t uncommon, but weekends were their day to spend with each other.

Nate was fidgeting over his appearance, trying to part his hair correctly- do everything correctly. He was so worried of that night, she felt the anxiety radiating off of him. Aunt Nora attempted to soothe his nerves, and Eva knew the two weren’t ready to eat yet. She roamed from the living room to the kitchen, she slid into the kitchen chair as Codsworth poured the milk and cereal for her.  

Codsworth was her best friend, other the Louis, Rosa’s son. It was mostly her, Codsworth and Shaun in the house, she got very close with the robotic butler. Nora had begun her lawyering career after Nate had been drafted, and now that Shaun was born was starting again.

Uncle Nate was at home a lot, he was still job hunting, yet he was a decorated war hero- the government checks came and helped out the bills as Nora was finding cases. The house dynamic had found a comfortable balance.

“Miss Evangeline, after breakfast, I would recommend enjoying the nice weather! A crisp day it is.” Codsworth then left from the table, beginning on the coffee and to make a more home-style breakfast for the adults, as Nate utterly hated Sugar Bombs.

Evangeline loved them- it was her favorite breakfast! After shoveling the contents of the bowl in her mouth, she crawled off from the chair and glanced out the den’s window pane- perfect Fall day, maybe before going out to the Veterans Hall she could run off with Louis for a few hours. She would sneak on her Mary Janes and rush out- she just had to be back before five

She had her own bedroom, Shaun had his own nursery, and her Aunt and Uncle had their own rooms. So sneaking out would be easy if she was nice and quiet like in the spy movies she loved so much. She loved having her own room here.

When Evangeline just wanted to be alone, she could isolate herself in her room. She liked to simply sit in her bed, reading graphic novels, maybe even sneak a crank radio into her room and listen to the Silver Shroud station for a little while- Aunt Nora thought it was too violent for her, but Uncle Nate saw no problem.

Uncle Nate was always fun, he let her read his comic books, and she even got to watch Television shows Aunt Nora didn’t think she should be watching at her age. Uncle Nate always treated her so much bigger than others did. He treated her like she could make her own choices, she really liked that. She placed her bowl into the sink, as Codsworth imminently trying to clean it, drying it inhumanly fast and putting it away.

She didn’t know why Aunt Nora didn’t want a Mister Handy sooner, she liked not having to clean the dishes anymore. She had more time to play! She hurried down the hallway, she needed to brush her teeth, wash her face, and fix her hair before she was allowed to go play outside by mister Codsworth.   

It was fairly easy to slip past the adults, but Codsworth would watch her like a hawk, and if she tried to escape without finishing her morning rituals, he would find her.

Evangeline peaked into the bathroom doorway, the sight of Nora’s hand onto Nate’s shoulder caught her eyes.

“You’re going to knock them dead at the Veterans Hall tonight, Hon.”

“You think?” He exhaled, his hands onto the basin of the sink, staring at the mirror intensely, he kept trying to fix his hair- tracing his fingers over his roughly textured face. “My speech, it’s too dark, too bleak.”

Nora wrapped her arms around his chest, she continued to speak soft words of praise and encouragement, but Evangeline lost interest when she realized she couldn’t do what she wanted in the bathroom. Her Uncle has been so worried about his speech, but she didn’t understand why - it sounded like every other boring speech they made at school or events she had to wear itchy petticoats for.  

So, now disappointed she couldn’t sneak out easily, she chose to go play with her cousin. It was hard to really play or talk to a baby less than a year, he was heavy for her to carry and he drooled a lot. He couldn’t talk and he still didn’t know how to walk. She wandered her way into the nursery, the room was still and calm. She knew just what the two would do today- a tea party!

He was fast asleep, wrapped snugly in the blanket Aunt Nora first brought him home in. She stood right against the treated wood of the bars, she reached a hand in and tickled his stomach just as she saw her caregivers do.

This awoke him, enlightening an angry rage most infants possess when being stirred awake before he wanted to be. She didn’t step back, she was used to him crying like that- she began to tickle and pet him, singing to him until she grew confident enough to pull down the bars just like she saw her Aunt and Uncle do, lifting the boy to her chest.

The baby had a soiled diaper, she felt it right as she picked him up. “Codsworth!” She exclaimed, placing the fussy baby back onto the crib mattress. He was kicking his legs in the swaddled blanket angrily at being put back down. Codsworth came hearing the baby so upset.

“Sounds like someone made a stinky!” He declares, using his grabber attachments to delicately undo his swaddle and change his soiled diaper. She watched as Codsworth seemed to know just how to soothe and care for the baby.

When the baby was finally changed and fed a morning bottle since he was still being so fussy, Codsworth gently placed the child back into the crib. The baby grumbles and groans, unhappy with his situation.

“Shaunny… Shaunny.” She said in that high pitch voice she hears the grownups use, tickling him as he seemed to become more grumpy than angry. He wanted to be held, and she was just the person to do it. She lifts the infant back against her chest, hefting him off towards her bedroom. That was one perk to having her Uncle and Aunt so busy- she could sneak a bit of playtime with Shaun!

Codsworth drifted towards the kitchen as he was done with his duties, he couldn't calm a baby who wanted to be held- he was a needy baby sometimes. He liked being held and comforted, Aunt Nora had to stop working on cases just to coddle the boy. But Shaun wasn’t picky on who held him, enjoying the soft bouncing of Evangeline attempting to carry him.

She luckily had kept the bedroom door opened from rushing out for breakfast. She had to use both hands to take the baby to her bedroom without suspicion.

She entered the room quietly, shutting the door with her foot as Aunt Nora didn’t like her holding the baby without adult supervision. She couldn't place the reason- why she was so good! She never ever dropped the baby.

She laid him into the floor, right beside her short table- the table legs were so tiny she could sit on her knees and be comfortable. She then grabbed her porcelain tea set Aunt Nora had bought her. Aunt Nora told her since she was eight now, a big girl, she could handle glass toys- she had to be really careful. She couldn’t even play tea party with her best friend Louis, because he was too rough- Aunt Nora claimed because he was a boy.

Shaun couldn’t be rough to her toys like Louis could, so she laid the little teacup and saucer atop his abdomen tightly wrapped up in the little blankety.

Eva happily positioned herself across from her baby cousin. “How is the tea?” She did a mockup British voice, similar to Codsworth. She sipped the pretend tea loudly, the wrapped up infant was enjoying the ceiling of her pink room. He was like a doll, that sometimes cried. No matter where she put him, he would stay- sometimes that was bad, like the time she left him in the baby doll crib she had and she forgot where she put him.

Shaun was naive to whatever game Evangeline was putting him through. His little fist was halfway into his mouth, the other reaching to the ceiling.

The tea party wasn’t as good as when Codsworth helped her, who would make her peanut butter jelly sandwiches cut up in ‘tea squares’ as he called them and made them real tea- she put half honey, half tea, with a teaspoon of sugar. It was their secret, Aunt Nora didn’t very much like her having real tea parties after she spilled some on her good dress.

Though, her little formal gathering was cut short by the door sliding open, displaying Nora on the other side, Eva almost went stiff being caught, upon the sight of his mother, the infant screamed in delight, wiggling to get close to her- with her single right hand firmly on her hip, she walked towards her son laid in the floor.

Aunt Nora came in, moved the cup and saucer onto the surface, lifting the boy from the carpet as he calms almost instantly. He loved being held, Nora couldn’t deny how she loved how easy she could soothe her son, how just holding him would make him feel so much better.

“Eva. He’s just a baby, he can’t do tea parties or play with you and your friends yet. Just give it a few years, and once he can walk, you can go nuts.” She smiled, she never seemed truly upset at her for wanting to play with Shaun- but she just thought he was too young for all the fun she has planned for them both, or how she described it to the child.

After a few moments of coddling the infant as she stood, Nora began towards the door, with the older child quickly following her. She made the right towards the nursery and walked to the rocking chair, lowering herself onto it.

Aunt Nora rocking the boy slowly as he coos and speaks his own little gibberish language. She watched her cousin, yawning and almost falling back to sleep, even if he just woke up before she heard the front door opening and someone speaking, it was so muffled she could hardly hear it. She got excited, hoping Louis had come to ask her to play.

She ran past Codsworth and stood beside Uncle Nate, ready to run past him to go out with Louis. Though, as she hurried down the hallway and to the front door she found a man standing there with a fedora and beige trench coat.

She stood beside Uncle Nate’s leg, taking a fistful of his sweatpants, earning a pat on the head from her relative as he spoke to the man on their porch. The man before her did a big show to welcome her, “What a beautiful daughter you have! All the more reason for you to sign up for Vault-Tec!”

The man was loud and Uncle Nate had that look of irritation he always seemed to have when dealing with door-to-door representatives; sometimes they would come to the doors of the better suburban community. She wanted to watch the interaction, as she had nothing else really going on.

“But there’s room for my entire family right?” He gestures towards the girl against his leg, as the Vault-Tec Rep smiled down at the child before him.

“Of course! Of course! Minus your robot, of course, everyone is included.” He had a sheepish grin, she frowned looking up at her uncle, taking his larger palm with both hands and gently tugging to get his attention.

“We can't leave Mister Codsworth.” She tried to tell him, but Uncle Nate simply waved her off, removing his hand from her grip and patting her head. He had a light smile staring down at her.

“How about you go get ready, Sweet Pea.” His voice was gentle but dismissive. She knew she would get nowhere with him like this. So she grumbled but walked off to get prepared for the day.

“Now we just need your family’s individual S.P.E.C.I.A.Ls.”

She grabbed the little yellow stool from under the sink, climbing up beginning to wash her face. She soaked a wash rag with some hand soap and begun to scrub her face. After her face was covered in warm water and suds, she lowered her face to splash over her expression.

She was humming Caption Cosmos theme as she squeezed some dentifrice on her toothbrush and begun to brush her teeth. After rinsing and spitting out the paste, she then lifted her head, going to grab the hair comb to detangle before she heard the slam of the door.

The heavy steps down the hallway were the only answer she needed for an unasked question- Uncle Nate was done talking to the weird man at the door. She was quick to forget finishing her hygienic morning customs to take a look outside of the bathroom, seeing Uncle Nate stroll within the nursery. With a grin, she entered the nursery behind him.

“Shaun is up early.” The man leans his head towards Nora, who left a soft kiss on his jawline before she returned her eyes to the now calmed baby, who was lying against her chest. Nora cocked an eyebrow with that playful smirk she had when Evangeline tried to say Codsworth did something she did.

“Well, someone thought seven in the morning was the best time for a tea party.” Nora gave a smile towards Evangeline, gesturing by nodding towards her. Nate glanced over, shook his head slightly and allowed a chuckle to slip from his lips.

“Of course.” He would only laugh at her waking the baby up so early, he would always be so calm towards her about how she treated Shaun. Even when Aunt Nora would be so upset. Like the time when he was still so little she put him in her baby stroller and tried to take him to school- or when she tried to get him to sleep with her in her bed. So many countless times she was told she wasn’t treating him correctly.

Uncle Nate stepped away from Aunt Nora to allow her to stand. She rose from the cushioned rocker with a quiet sigh, she moved her hips side to side to stretch a bit, before walking back to the nursery’s crib. She gently laid the now calmed baby back upon the mattress, grabbing the side of the crib’s bars and pulled upward locking them in place.

She gave a dreamy sigh, Aunt Nora would say how much she had waited for the picket fence and family life she had now; she would have a dreamy look about her when she was caring for the children or spending time with her husband- she really did love her situation.

“Listen, after breakfast, I was thinking of going to the park. Weather should hold up,” Nora suggests, turning to Nate. She placed her hands on the crib’s side, though, she knew she would definitely go to the park- just shooting out the suggestion near Evangeline would get her wild.

“I wanna go! Can Louis come?” Evangeline butted in, as Nora knew she would, she patted the jet black hair of the child, staring up at the husband with the grin she always had when she knew she won. Unlike Nora, Nate loved to stay at home, watch Baseball and relax on his weekends, but she loved to spend those weekends outside, actually playing Baseball or enjoying the park.

He might say no to Nora, but he was wrapped around Evangeline’s finger. It was a two-edged sword, but she had learned long ago how to use it to her liking. He didn’t seem upset by any means, he might not like going, but he knew he would get a big burger and fries before the day was over if they all headed out.

“Sure, sounds like a fun time- I’ll call Rosa after breakfast.” He waved his left hand in a offhandly manner, Evangeline got so excited she nearly screamed- but knew better than to do that in the same room with Shaun after last time. She had grabbed Uncle Nate’s hand, going to pull him to the kitchen so he could hurry and eat.

“Sir, Ma’am, I think you should see this!” Just as she was ready to tell Uncle Nate he needed to eat breakfast now- she was stopped as they all heard Codsworth shouting from the living room.

“Codsworth? What’s wrong?” Aunt Nora spoke, her words full of concern. Uncle Nate was the first to step out to the living room. She didn’t understand what was happening, so when Uncle Nate began to shout for Nora to come here now- she froze, staring at Aunt Nora who grabbed Shaun without the gentleness and dreamy look she usually had and begun out the door.

Aunt Nora ran down the hallway, making the girl shadow her by gripping her hand. It was too tight; she tried to take the vine like grip away from her wrist: But Aunt Nora refused to let her go, forcing her to follow her into the living room. The television was telling them something with flashes, attacks, she didn't understand most of the words used. The grip loosened in all of Aunt Nora’s shock as she held Shaun tighter with both hands.

“Oh my god..” Aunt Nora was looking at Uncle Nate, quiet, their faces distorted in panic. The man on the screen covered his face with his hands, the emotions, the feel of the room had changed so quickly Evangeline didn’t know how to feel. Codsworth then grabbed the child’s blue boots.

“I would suggest putting on some shoes, young Ma’am.” The robotic nanny laid the pair before her, as he went towards the adults, drifting among them- waiting to hear what to do- should he pack? Should he take the children towards the vault? He was programmed to do what they told him to do.

She was slow to obey, starting to slide her foot into her dirtied blue boots. They were coated in dried mud at the bottom and time-worn from the time she has spent with them, roughhousing her favorite pair of shoes.

After she had them on, it was barely a moment later did the sirens activate.

The alarm rang, brash and loud. They were louder than the automated drill, and she could already hear the screaming of neighbors outside. She instinctively covered her ears. She was accustomed to drills, she practiced at school and with her family all the time, they were calm, professional, and felt so safe.

But the moment the horn went off, it seems at that moment everything went into chaos. The windows displayed so many people running towards the forest, the door swung open as Nora ran out with Shaun, she became frozen in place, mind going blank- that was just what Evangeline did in panic, she froze up.

Uncle Nate was the one who suddenly snatched her, hiking her up on his chest as he sped through the neighborhood. Evangeline almost dropped her doll in utter shock, gripping against him as he raced past the people and houses. She looked past his shoulder, she saw all her neighbors so afraid, hugging each other, some crying.

Her eyes search for Louis, would he go to the vault too? The road towards the forest was bumpy. She could only see a blur of her neighbors she had grown up with and the shouting of others. When Uncle Nate stopped, she felt she would fall over even in his arms by the force of his feet stopping.

Uncle was the one to demand access in the vault, shouting that they were on the list. The soldier glanced over the checklist. Evangeline saw her neighbors, everyone looked so scared, so heartbroken. She saw Rosa, eyes lightening up as she now thought her and her son would go within the vault with her.

But there Louis stood with Rosa, sobbing into the skirt of his mother, as she rubs her hands nervously. She tried to reach out, but the two acted as if they couldn’t see her.

“Infant, Child, Adult Female… Go on in.” He stepped aside, the two adults run past the gate. She pressed her forehead into the nape of his neck, there were so much shouting and disorder, she knew those sirens meant something was wrong, very wrong. They stood on the center of the circle, the ground was beginning to lower.

“Is Shaun okay?” Nate raced to his wife, holding the girl to his chest so tight her back hurt, as he looks over the baby.

“He’s fine, we’re going to be fine, we’re safe,” Nora spoke breathless, looking over the land of all of the helpless people. The baby’s eyes were caught by him, looking up at his father as Nate sighs quietly. “Oh thank god..”

As soon as those words left his lips, the ground began to shake as a bright, fiery hot heat filled the air. Looking back, the two were met with the blast, with a mushroom cloud beginning to form high in the sky. It was definitely bigger than Evangeline’s thumb. Uncle Nate grabbed her head, turning from the blast just as Nora had to Shaun.

The platform slowly begun to go deeper into the ground, the force of the atomic bomb finally hit them, resulting in some of the new Vault Dwellers and people to fall, the rumbling making even Uncle Nate almost fall. She gripped against the white shirt she was pressed to, and all she could think of was how Codsworth was all alone.

The lid of the elevator finally shut, making everything black. All she could hear was her breathing and the heavy pants of those around her. It was so dark, she hated the dark. “Eva, you okay?” Uncle Nate had finally addressed her, she had been so quiet the whole time, he worried she was going into a panic attack she would get sometimes.

“People.. People were still out there..” She barely spoke above a whisper.

“Don’t think about it.” Uncle shushed her, tangling his hand in her messy black bob, as Aunt Nora grabbed for Nate’s arm.

“Oh god, just a minute later..”

She simply hugged him tighter, Nate stood up slowly, realizing they were safe from the nuclear blasts from outside. The platform continued down at a much faster pace, those around them were panting, afraid and trying to stay calm.

“We did it, we made it… We’re okay…” Nora kept breathlessly speaking, cradling the child in her arms as she looks back to Nate and Nora. “We’re all safe…” They then stood close to one another, Nate allowed Evangeline to stand on her own, holding her hand now as the platform reached the ground.

The cage portion of the wall begun to lift itself with a loud whirring, showcasing a Vault-Tec guard and another man in a simple blue suit. Eva felt another wave of dread as she looked at the tall man with the beard, he held a clipboard and spoke like he was reading off a script.

“Everyone! Please step off the elevator, and proceed up the stairs in an orderly fashion.” He spoke loudly, as the guard walked towards the crowd, escorting them off the platform and towards the steps. Their neighbors were still trembling, in shock as they were guided forward. The guard wouldn’t speak, he did not answer a single question, nor did he even make eye contact.

“We’ll get everyone situated in your new home! Vault 111. A better future…” His lingering voice softened and fades as they walk up the metal stairs, towards the yellow gate opening. She didn’t like this, she wanted to go home.

Eva held onto her Uncle’s warm hand as the two were hustled up the stairs, the first thing she noticed was how cold this Vault was. Her bare legs felt freezing, as she huddled to the warmth of her Uncle.

‘Vault-Tec Is Here For You…’ The robotic voice droned on from some sort of speaker, repeatedly as they continue on the stairs. Aunt Nora was behind some of the other neighbors as for how they were shoveled in the steps, making Eva not able to see her. Uncle Nate held onto her hand tighter, continuing further.

A man near the yellow bars walkthrough checked off a clipboard as the new Vault Dwellers marched forward. He mumbles, smacking his lips jadedly.

“Adult Male, Child... Infant, Adult Female..” He mumbles under his breath, Eva was staring over the place. It was full of metal walls, painted blue and the Vault-Tec workers seemed so nice and calm, despite all of the chaos and fear in the room. The Vault-Tec logo was proudly embedded on different things in the vault, everything was fresh and clean- just like in the Television ads for the vaults.

Nate was handed a Vault Suit before the woman employee smiled at the young girl, who looked away at the eye contact. Uncle Nate squeezed her hand for comfort, so she leaned more against him, holding her doll tight.

“We also have Vault Suits for children, completely unisex, fashionable and comfortable.” She handed the much smaller version of the suit to her. But Uncle Nate took it, walking down the hallway with the doctor as instructed by the woman.

“Alright, you four, follow me.” The doctor smiled so widely, looking over the little family as he guided them down the hallway. The scientist was nice too, he explained everything calmly as Nora asked so many questions.

The next room was nothing but rows of just.. Metal shells. There was a man in this room also, who checked them off the list. Why were they checked off so many lists? Evangeline looked to Uncle Nate, wanting him to explain what this room was- yet, he appeared just as puzzled as her to this. The doctor simply smiled at the family’s utter confusion.

“Just step in here and put your vault suit on, into the chamber whenever you are ready.” He gestures towards the many cushioned metal husks that littered this room, Eva glanced over them all, Nate handed Evangeline her outfit, making her feel more insecure for having to change here before going in. Before she could voice her concerns, Shaun must had some complaints as well, as he began to sob loudly.

“Awe, who is my little guy? Daddy is not going far.” Nate stepped closer, reaching his hands out as Shaun’s tiny fists reach out for him, crying harder.

“There he is, see?” Nora laughs faintly, handing the baby over to Nate and then looking to Eva, who looked like a deer in the headlights. Nate swayed the baby gently side to side, babbling to the infant until he calmed down.

Nora kneels in front of her niece, “Let’s get into your suit so we can start our new life, alright?” She helped the younger get dressed in the suit, putting all of her clothes in the bag as the rest were, but Eva, who kept her sweater. The scientist relented to her weak stare, Nora kissed her head. “I’m not going far either, I’ll be right beside you. Look, Uncle Nate is gonna be able to see you the whole time.” Her hands gestures towards the pod right in front of the one she was being placed in. Evangeline frowned, staring towards Uncle Nate who was still enjoying the laughing baby.

The decompressing pods reserved for them would allow Nate and Nora to look straight at each other, as Uncle Nate could see her from his. She wished she could see Aunt Nora, she wanted to voice her fear, her wanting to see Codsworth- but Aunt Nora kept a firm hand on her back, guiding her to the pod.

The doctors were pushy, nearly shoving them inside the little spaces, but Uncle Nate was ignoring them. Walking past one of the doctors and towards Nora and Evangeline.

Uncle Nate came forward, she looked up at him with the expression of fear and dread, but he leans down, planting a soft kiss to her forehead. She extends her hand towards the bundled baby, allowing him to hold her finger for only a moment before a scientist began to move Nate towards the pod.

Eva was ushered into the pod by another scientist, she sat down on the cushioned seat as the scientist sealed the door. She got nervous, it felt wrong. Uncle Nate’s eyes were connected to Nora’s, a little wave as the two put their hands on the glass as a way to connect as some sort of fog took over their pods.

The scientist came to her chamber, keeping such a kind smile adults had when they thought children were pitiful.

“The pod will decontaminate and depressurise you before we head deeper into the Vault. You’re going to start a new life, cheer up.” And with that, the man in the white coat briskly walked away before she could say anything. Her fingernails dig into the fabric of her doll. She didn’t understand a thing he just said, but it sounded painful.

She didn’t like this- she leaned back, feeling her eyes filling with tears- she hoped Uncle Nate would pluck her up right then and hold her.

‘Resident: Secured.’

She heard the door tighten, air locking as she began to heave, she was trapped and alone- she suddenly felt the walls of the metal ball closing in on her. The robotic voice was nulling, becoming noise in her ears. Cold, snow like air filled her pod, making her gasp. The sudden volume of freezing air filled the small space, making her tremble as she could feel her doll become rigid from ice underneath her palms.

Eva tried to scream, yet everything lulled into darkness before she could do much.

When she first stirred, she could hardly move her head- everything felt stiff, her breath came out hot and heavy as lead. She couldn’t grasp what was happening first.

Gaining consciousness, she found herself feeling cold and her muscles rigid, she gasps as her lungs fill with icy breath- everything felt wrong. She could barely see from the frosted window of the pod- how was this decompressering?

“This. This is the one.” The voice rang, almost making every part of her body become awake as she had the realization it had to be the vault scientists- it was time to get out.

She leaned closer, finding two figures in front of the pods. She hit her fist again the window, her breath shaky, puffs of air leaving her lips- she was shaking to her core- she wanted out.

The figures were blurry, she rubs her eyes trying to focus. She heard soft murmurs before some new figure came forward- this one looked almost like a monster- tight in a suit of what looked like rubber skin, pointed forward to the pod of her uncle. She begun to hit harder against the window, screaming, she was cold and scared.

The rubber monster was standing before her Uncle’s chamber, as another figure, darkened and nearly out of her view standing on the sidelines as the monster had come forward.

The pod unsealed, lifting the door as Uncle Nate leaned forward, coughing as the cold air filled his lungs as Shaun screams, weeping loudly as the sudden contrast he awoke to. The rubber monster reached for the baby, she was saying something, but Nate kept shaking his head.

Uncle Nate’s eyes caught his niece, banging on the window and crying. He stood, his legs shaky as the man she could hardly see held something towards him- she began to kick and smack against the door. He was still hacking, holding Shaun with one arm. The creature grabbed ahold of Uncle Nate’s arm, seeing as he was struggling to move, guiding him from the room. He points towards the two pods where the rest of his family was contained.

The man holding the gun looked over the two pods, eyes widening when he saw the crying child inside. Would he let her out? He turned sideways, shouting to the thing- but she couldn't hear. Why wouldn’t she hear?

She tried to stand, but everything fell back into darkness before she could even scream. Eva was trapped again her mind, in the dreams that seem to never end with questions on her mind. She just wanted her family.

[afoolsingenuity]

My Blogging Problems // Learning What To Prioritise When It Comes To Blogging

Recently, I have felt like I’ve been failing as a blogger. No matter how hard I try to stay on top of things I always feel like there is one aspect of blogging which I am letting slide. If I’m not behind on blog reading I’m behind on commenting. If I’m ahead on blog posts I’ve slacked on reading other people’s blogs. If I’ve conquered my emails I’ve probably not gotten to spend a lot of time reading books which is kind of the thing which made me want to blog in the first place. I feel like blogging is a juggling act and I’m failing at catching any of the balls.

I have never been brilliant at organising my time. Even though blogging is something I enjoy I still procrastinate about doing it. A review I’ve half finished and needs an hours clean up will take me three hours to do and it might be three hours spread over two days depending on my mood. If you email I’ll either reply straight away or in a weeks time for no reason other than that I didn’t feel like doing it straight away and it somehow felt like an effort. I don’t know why I procrastinate from blogging but I do. And so anything blog related because a daunting task because even when I knuckle down and do things I know it’ll take longer than I want because that’s who I am.

Anyway, I’ve realised my current non-routine is unsustainable. It’s gotten so bad I no longer even know what books I’ve finished reviewing and those I haven’t. My drafts are overflowing. It stresses me out constantly being behind on things and since I’m not reading as much It’s bothering me that I’m wasting so much of my time on blog related things when all I want to do it curl up with a good book. Something has got to give!

I realised I didn’t know what had to give, though. I mean, what facet of blogging is less important than the rest?

Problem #1: Making Time To Read And Comment On Other Blogs

I’m obviously not giving up blog reading. It’s a source of inspiration and I want to see what my online friends are reading and talking about! If I gave up blog reading I wouldn’t be part of the community anymore and it kind of defeats the point of blogging. I do find that I am constantly playing catch up with blog commenting. I am never on top of it I am always behind and there are so many posts up every day!

The Solution:

What I can do is cut down on the number of blogs and read and follow. I’ve spoken before how I want people to follow me who are genuinely interested in what I blog about and I’ve spoken about how I follow a lot of blogs for a lot of reasons (not all of them good reasons). Well, I’ve realised I need to make my blog feed manageable. There are at least five blogs I follow as they’re big names in the blog community but I never read their posts anymore. EVER! I’ve got to admit I followed them, to begin with, as they helped guide me but I know who I want to be in my corner of the internet, it’s time to let them go. It makes me sad to let go of blogs but it’s necessary. Instead, I can slowly introduce in those blogs I am interested in.

Problem #2: Replying to Blog Comments

I am bad at replying to blog comments. Much as I put off blog reading as I know the reading/commenting thing is time-consuming I put off replying to comments because it’s time-consuming. I will never not reply to blog comments. I love seeing people’s thoughts, why would I have a blog and not read the comments?

The Solution:

I will start making set times to do so. I’ve actually started replying to blog comments on my way to and from work. It gives me half an hour or so of time to read people’s thoughts and reply back. I still have to sit in front of my laptop for an hour or so some nights but I’ve already found a way to cut down some of the time I spent doing so. I find responding in small doses is better because I don’t get bored (don’t worry, it’s not your comments which bore me but my replies).

Problem #3: The Dreaded Inbox Where Emails Go To Die

Over the past few months, I’ve started getting more and more emails in from publishers/authors/random people I’ve never spoken to. And I’ve found I am now signed up for all the author newsletters (some I don’t recognise, how did that even happen?) and I also have all my Disqus notifications for blog comments every where and any other response notifications for other people’s blogs. My inbox is a mess and it scares me to go in it a lot of the time. Emails die there. Every publisher who emails me ever gets an email which begins ‘sorry for the delay in replying’ lately.

The Solution:

I saw a post a little while ago over at Howling Reviews about email bankruptcy where you delete your email from a certain date then go through the rest. I hope I haven’t gotten to that point (yet) but I do plan to look back and if I’m going too far back those things are getting deleted. I also plan to start unsubscribing myself from author newsletters as half I am genuinely not interested in. I can then just keep my actual favourite authors on the list who I want to be notified on. The biggest thing is creating folders which work for me. Currently, everything goes everywhere so I am going to start adding things to folders I’ve named and get proactive with my inbox going forward.

Problem #4: Who Has Time To Write Blog Posts Anymore?

I seriously stress my self out with how much time I don’t have to write blog posts. Like I said, a lot of the things above really eat into my usual blog writing time. Sunday’s (and part of Saturdays if I’ve not got much on) will be spent writing up blog posts. I finish off reviews from what I typed up on Goodreads to make it an actual post. I write those discussion ideas which have been brewing. I even do the tags which interest me from around the internet. I don’t have enough time in the week to write a full blown blog post, I can edit and tweak at most so I need my weekends to work for me and lately, they don’t.

The Solution:

This isn’t as easy to solve. I mean, I can’t make more time but I do hope if I do the above it will mean less time spent doing all that at the weekend. The next key thing is sticking to my own mental blog schedule (and keeping planned posts written down in my bujo). I like to post Monday, Wednesday and Friday and have my usual Sunday post. I will change this from time to time, I have no aversion to posting Tuesdays and Thursdays, I just like my three times a week plan. I will also make sure all posts are finished on a Sunday and attempt to slowly build a few posts as back up for my lazy weeks. I want to stay a couple of reviews ahead of where I am and have back up none review posts on the go. I want to be able to plan ahead. I will also go on hiatus when I know I won’t be around so I’m not catching up on everything when I’m back. That means my holiday will be a hiatus. I’ve got to accept my human limitations.

Problem #5: If I Can’t Find Time To Blog How Am I Meant To Find Time To Read?

This one is the one which has been stressing me out the most. Any regular visitor will know I went through a reading slump recently. It was a major reading slump. I lost motivation to read even though I was enjoying reading and it threw me for a loop. I managed to get back to reading when I stopped stressing out over it and I may not be reading as much as I was but I’m reading again and looking forward to reading and that makes me happy but with every other blog thing taking up my time I don’t have as much time to read. It happens at weekends, with the time I put aside for blog writing I’m not reading and it sucks.

The Solution:

This is something I’ve tried to implement for myself before but I want a technology disconnect on evenings when I’m at work. I try and switch my laptop off my 9 pm at the latest (but ideally earlier so I can have a cosy couple of hours reading). I try and set aside that hour or so before bed as reading time so I can get lost in a good book for a little while. It doesn’t always work but that is my plan for reading. I need to admit defeat and accept that by a certain time there is no more blog related things I can do.

***

And there you have it. There are plenty of other problems I have when it comes to blogging (don’t speak to me about social media, I do not get it I will use it as I please) but these are the ones which have bothered me most and I’ve mostly thought of solutions for them.

Are there blogging problems you haven’t been able to face sorting? Do you find writing a plan of action helps you relax about things which have been bothering you? And would you have different solutions to my problems?

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[sh-lan]

OMFG LAST QUARTER EVER + some spring break stuff???

Took a weekend off of life Retail therapy at its finest today Even though new jeans were overdue

It’s crazy how it still came I guess it’s a force of nature But omg it’s gonna be here on the concert T^T

This nerd would have mitsuha’s theme on his playlist smh #nochu

April 2nd, 2017 BTS Wings Tour I still can’t believe it happened I’ve been awake since 8am lol and it’s like 1:54am and i’m still trying to process and remember everything that happened today It felt like a dream! I can’t believe I saw them in real life. ohmygod Hands down, easily one of the best day of this week - if not this entire year so far holy shit will continue this tomorrow as i reminisce ok but one thing i noticed is that jungkook’s thighs are actually so real like wtf? shookt EDIT: lol i never finished this but oh well

oop i just bought more rings goodbye money

my charger broke gg time to get another one

I have a newfound appreciation for the color pink or more like my appreciation for pink is coming back

When you get anxious because bts hasnt posted on twitter for 3 days but then you also know they’re resting and that they deserve this break

SPRING QUARTER LEGGO tu/th schedule let’s hope this all works well keke

week 1 recap tuesday - sees everybody in freaking AB LOL sees harry after walking out of my tdpw sees alana and dylan outside my global health class which alana is also taking, and becca and tanya lOL goes to cogs 122 to find chen screaming my name - also vania and stella <3 last class is normal - with nobody in management BUT LOL LEIGHTON ADDED THE CLASS ON THURSDAY HAHA there’s also this girl in my tdpw class who looks like lindsay lohan and her name is also lindsey but with an e cause i saw it on the email lol not a stalker

Decided to gel nails it out friday of week 1 whut whut

First attempt at 양념치킨~

been using the soundtrack of your name this past week to get over pcd it’s been a week and i still haven’t recovered T^T

went to kbbq with harry! lol week 1 sunday started at manna….having an adventure in between at manna keke “started here and ending it here?” LOL

currently craving anything strawberry

don’t understand why i need to have my email as a send&receive in order to sms to work on my laptop bb why are you being stubborn when you’ve been working fine all this time

under yuri’s recommendation, i microwaved my coffee because it was lukewarm and she called me extra LOL

i’m getting nervous about a presentation when i shouldn’t be because ?? my AB service leader self is like completely gone i wanna crawl into a hole

i just finished season 2 and 3 of htgawm in less than a week… how they gonna do season 4 i wonder

Week 2 thursday I was actually really looking forward to class today Also my rings came! Though were they worth the $50….not so sure Were they cute? Yes But not as cute as the other one T^T So i mustnt give in to temptations nowww

I found out what matcha powder mom uses to make their matcha latte Cappuccine frappe mix But it’s sadly not on amazon ):

This new tumblr function is really inconvenient cause i cant tell how many thing i have on queue brcause i have to keep switching blogs -_-

Han came to visit! Friday Papa johns Saturday Snooze brunch Infinitea Abeh hangout In n out Sunday Aquarium! Koon thai Ramen yamadaya Boba bar and then i drove him to irvine where we got coco curry! and then i drove back and he bought me milk tea with pudding

Had an epiphany It’s not anenome It’s anemone

Omg but like why dont people call spoiler alerts “spoilerts”

Started 13 reasons why with Han Finished it, tuesday week 3 Hmmm How to feel

finished strong woman park hyung sik is so…adorable? IT’S SO WEIRD. HIS AEGYO LEVEL IS INSANE

When you realize that 둘! 셋! is probably the title of the fan song because that’s what BTS always say when they introduce themselves And that BTS + ARMY forever ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I’m not crying r u crying ;___;

어떻게

Omg when you wake up for reorientation and jungkook does lives <3

highkey need to crawl into a hole tbh

You know what i want to do? Go to an olive garden Even though i know it’ll taste bad lol

Not really sure what i want… But i dont want my 4 years to be a waste ):

i….skipped out on an interview today was it the right choice i may never know

most recent ep of snk got me fucked up SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT YMIR AND CHRISTA’S RELATIONSHIP IS WHO IS CHRISTA

Lol i hella bombed my quiz GOODBYE GONNA P/NP HAHA

Week 4 weekend Fuck me in the ass i twisted my ankle and i am in irvine had to pop an advil and cruise control all the way back thank god there weren’t many cars lol 0/10 do not recommend

Slept on the couch the past two days to elevate my ankle Glad to be back in bed But i think i might be a little…sick? Fuck Need to grocery shop

Dammit i got called for jury duty

Ok but i twisted my ankle and two recruiters emailed me back the next day so was it really a loss

Week 5 i’m sick…

just watched 5 centimeters per second a little sadder than i was an hour ago

fuck i forgot that my jeans are new and i washed it and my pink shirt is ruined fml triggered

thursday after rolling over ma ankle i can finally see that it is a lil swollen and there is bruising LOL also saw an owl at school today and a bunny while leaving to go to meeting

week 5 tuesday saw two bunnies on my way out to school

I just saw two hummingbirds! 😍

I cant believe yuri and i finished twenty SMH

ABCD today Some qualitee photos were taken Im tired now

Really debating the 4th term

third day of back pain flexibility dying wow what is happening???

…..army 4th term is $75 cries EDIT: it’s $66 because i forgot exchange rate but still cri EDIT EDIT: it’s $45 if i ship it to taiwan - seriously really highkey considering that now oh dear

bro i think i just experienced katawaredoki whut

i keep thinking that my ankle is ok but i always end up doing something that ends up hurting it like hella im

Week 6 thursday last leadership meeting one of my favorite meetings because whoa INFORMATION!? it was nice wanted to discuss and add in my two cents but i honestly just wasn’t able to wrap my head around everything loool then…we decided to go to PB LOL chen, jeong, yuri, justin and his friends (including nicole, nicole, sandy) and then more people. we also met leslie, brett, dexter, allison, kenny, peter, abby, ben…and more? at pb lolol and also we saw miguel and anthony - it was like a freshman year flashback tbh lOL went to vallartas after and then came home to shower and finally sleep at 3:30am wot is life NEXT DAY ADVENTURES - leighton and i finally pulled out the weeds and now we’re tired

salty that i wasnt invited to the birthday celebration, not that i would really make the trip per say but wtf gurl

I just had this really sad thought that i’m probably never gonna ever get to know bts like friends y i do dis to meself

Wait so like i got sick while at clew’s and it didnt happen until week 5 and so i was sick from week 5 through week 6 and at this one point i couldnt taste my food it was terribad

May 12th I bought the membership LOL Hopefully it mails it correctly back to Taiwan ☺️

im dumb i didn’t save the color i wanted for my hair

omg the song vania recommended to me a few days ago was recommended by jungkook like a year or so ago on twitter lOOOOL

Just tryna level up here :<

Struggles when places are in the east coast and phone calls are early in the fckin morning

Note to self: Ridge cut potato chips with sea salt is good for stuff with dip Ridge cut salt and pepper is good for regular eating, but gets salty at the bottom LOL EDIT: per vania’s suggestion, i salted and peppered my chips

watching jungkook’s vlive AND HE JUST HARMONIZED WITH HIMSELF IM DED

Just woke up from a dream where someone hurt my brother/nade him fall and i was so angry? Was about to go ape shit on that person im ded lol who is rhis angry me

Rewatched and finished reply 1997 Wow what is life when yoon jae is life But also what is life when your idols are life Daily reminder to not be as obsessed as shiwon LOLOL

i can’t go to giraffage and elephante anymore im on the otherhand i get to go to virginia???

lol but like i haven’t been writing drafts because i often write in my notebook now but here are some updates - my nails are constantly chipping - forgot about grad photos that clashed with the weekend han is coming - im ded because i probs won’t have a weekend to myself until week 10 - struggles to figure out graduation things - paid my $54 to walk #mostexpensivewalkever

LAST LEADERSHIP MEETING (turnover) what am i going to do with my thursday nights now? it’s been a good run

Jealous of the staff that holds and records the camera during vlives? LOL who am i

When you forget that jeon jungkook did taekwondo before Hnnnngh

i just reaffirmed? or discovered? that i don’t like fruity pebbles o_o

Trying to think of a thing to put on my grad cap Tis hard Let’s make a list: 花��年華 Strong power thank you You never walk alone Ireumeun deborah LOL Lol omg but why is yoongi’s “cheater never win but i just graduated” quote so appropriate for grad EXTRA + ORDINARY* Lost my way/found my way* Click clack to the bang Smile with me, cry with me, fly with me (you make me begin, you made me again) Ctrl+c, ctrl+v do you know “____” (hci? annyeonghasaeyo) To lose your path, Is the way to find that path* 꽃길만 걷자* Let’s fly with our beautiful wings in 2017 EDIT: i’m too lazy, i didn’t do anything to my cap lOL

Im shookt cause namjoon doesnt say 이제 feelin the vibe. HE SAYS IF YOU FEELIN THE VIBE. I feel…betrayed

Non whitewashed bangtan gives me life

May 21st My first haircut since… Since i got it cut over the summer?????

Bought me stole and tassel today Smh that i cant grab my muir tickets?? Cause i ordered all commencwment tickets SMH

Lowkey afraid of not passing mgt LOL

Omfg i knew we were going to have a pop quiz. It really happened

nicole and evelyn commented that they liked my hair and audrey and malia agreed i gotta say i’m so glad people remember me in my tdpw class LOOL

Cant get the seventeen song outta my head Shookt by the choreography

Y'all im so fckin shookt First the chainsmokers post on twitter like “see you in the summer” Then they win the BBMAs like a boss Then you see them on halsey + steve aoki’s snapchat Next things you know steve aoki is postin shit like “BTS x AOKI COMING SOON” Im SCREAMING

Yo my lyft driver dropped some knowledge again and told me his life story lmao he was a police officer in chicago and he was forced to retired and then ?? after chasing down a rapist and getting into a fight, he was seriously injured. but his dad (a judge or someone powerful idk) forced him out of retirement by telling everyone to not give him his benefits and shit and i was like. whoa bro. slow down? “embrace the unknown”

I finally tried the coconut black tie at peet’s 10/10 a mistake

Okay but can we talk about how on point everybody looked in the comeback Esp wonwoo and dk But also vernon 👌🏼

First time in virginia/ being so close to washington dc! Whoa Also gonna pass by texas too :O Knocking some states off my list

I WITNESSED MY FIRST CIRCLE RAINBOW THINGY ON THE PLANE FROM VIRGINIA TO DALLAS TODAY HOLY IT WAS V COOL

i don’t know why i never realized this about myself before but i need to be/live by a body of water at all times or i won’t feel comfortable this is weird

i told han i joined the fanclub and he like died for like 2 seconds lOL

ok but like i bought a carton of eggs and 6 or 7 of them were double yolks and i have 2 more eggs left im starting to think i’m eating some weird hybrid chickens EDIT: those last two eggs were both double yolks. this was a wild adventure

omg i knew that the TA MOST LIKELY RYAN WOULDNT UNDERSTAND OUR IDEA JUST LIKE HOW HE ALWAYS MISINTERPRETS THEM??? like what kind of constructive feedback is that if he doesn’t understand what we’re trying to do im… sigh

Already excited about the festa But like omfg they released the schedule today And just WE DONT TALK ANYMORE PT 2?? SO FAR AWAY FEATURING JIN AND JUNGKOOK? Im IM SCREAMING also sad but the radio show is right before my finals gotta prioritize, no bts fo me ;__;

after waiting two weeks, my application to get leveled up was rejected *cries* time to try again! *^*

okay but really feeling seventeen’s song as well as suran’s song like hIGHKEY

i finally got my commencement tickets the third time that i went to the bookstore third time’s the charm right? also whytf is the parking pass for all campus commencement so huge -_-

hnngh omg that feel when you have hella shit to do TPDW1 final play due week 9 friday because we won’t have class at all on week 10 then there’s the presentation (elevator pitch) that happened today week 9 thursday but also just hauling ass on things for A5 tbh what is this what is everything wot is the meaning of life when vania and i stay up till 3:30am lol… and then there’s me. tired af but didn’t sleep til 4:30 anyways cause i’m a dumbass l e l let’s not be a potato this last week k?

burger king in pc has its own free wifi called WhopperWifi and it’s so much faster than school wifi this is revolutionary

week 9 weekend to irvine irritated on the way over irritated on the way back lol wot is life i should’ve just turned around to go back home

NO TDPW1 WEEK 10 WOOT wow that means i won’t have class until 2pm whoa

“why are you reading math formulas” - yuri i was actually reading bts profiles lOLOL she just dissed their handwritings

Just spent the past hour or so looking at kakao friends merchandise And discovering that apeach is a genetically modified peach lol

that moment when you ask for a png file but get a jpg

dyed my hurr twice today for a darker shade still not what i was going for but this will do for now

Omfg i slept through my alarm until 1pm Goodbye study time?? Also omg i like it pt 2 video SHIT SHIT SHIT THEY KNOW WE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. HAD IT SINCE BAEPSAE DAYS. BUT DIDNT RELEASE IT. Freakin bighit

My request to level up on the fancafe has once again been rejected ); EDIT: oMFG IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHANGE THE SETTING TO SOMETHING im screaming, what a first world problem THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM AMIRITE

Doesnt feel like it… But thursday was my last time going to class…pretty much like ever unless i go to more school Holy shit

Oh man I didnt think i’d have THAT much shit. But…i think i have A LOT of shit….

saw bts MBIT and i was like omfg! knew that i was INFJ but took the test again yesterday and ended up INFP….but just barely P so i think i’ll stick with INFJ lol EDIT: i took the test again today because vania and yuri were talking about it again and i am still INFP…and more P this time. SO LOST. WHO AM I

put my things up for sale i forgot that i might need my light el oh el crying on the inside cause i want to keep my desk but then i’m selling it off because i don’t think i’ll have space for it and i just CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE IT’S BEEN WITH ME FOR SO LONG T^T

ON ANOTHER NOTE. THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM LEVELED UP ON JUNE 12TH AT ONE SOMETHING AM

JUNE 12TH FINISHED MY FIRST AND LAST FINAL I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER??? also lmao i spent 45 min on the final wot

i dyed my hair darker but now it’s become lighter? wait wtf wait no go back EDIT: wait no it went back to being dark? is this a thing? when i get exposed to the sun it gets lighter and when i sleep it gets darker??? smh at light for fckin with me

so i set an alarm to watch the bts home party last night for like 3:57am and i didn’t hear it but i guess i kinda did cause i woke up at 4:05am and was like ??? i decided to watch a bit of it but ended up streaming the whole thing until 5:45am looooool also watched the numbers grow from the 500,000 all the way to 2,000,000 and then 3,000,000? it was nuts

omfg all these years of rereading chapters and only now do i realize that i could save bookmarks on mangahere *slaps forehead*

Moment of silence cause i sold my desk that’s accompanied me for almost 10 years It even has battlescars (aka X marks by Jacky, 3 of them) LOL memories ;___; Oh and i guess my chair too

lol was gonna sell that yamaha guitar for $45 but it’s going for like $190 on ebay?? so ima just bring it home

finals week hangout list: tuesday: fud with kimberly, peyton, harry wednesday: more fud with stephanie and ellius thursday: KBBQ FOR LUNCH with jeong, justin, yuri, harry LOOOOL

and so...that’s the end of the quarter. my last quarter of school ever (unless i decide to go to more school...which seems unlikely as of right now) it feels weird.................................. but! onto graduation~ looking forward to being reunited with family and whatever’s gonna hit me in the face LOL

and with that goodbye undergrad, hello world ㅇㅅㅇ