#laz is in trouble and they still don't realize how big of a trouble it is

[ri-writes-if]

Booboo the fool, fr

I'm laughing LMAOO it's so true

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Our scars': New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Our scars"

"We all have a story to tell about our scars, aren't we?"

Chapter Summary: Yirina woke up after facing again a very recent memory of her life, her state looking better on the outside but still struggling on the inside...

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3100

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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That music...it was staying in my head as I was having a feeling to have heard it before in my life, was it...the brainwashing...or something else? No, it had to be the brainwashing, the music was like echoing inside my head, like torture to me even if I was no longer reliving that memory but it all suddenly stop when my eyes slowly opened, breaking me off my sleep for the night. I passed my fingers through my eyelids to speed up the process of having a better vision and discovering which time it was now, the room still darkened with a bit of light coming from the outside.

When I moved my head slightly to look at my nightstand, I realized that I woke early...at 5:47 AM, never managed to get awake at that time and it caused me to sigh, only wanting to go back to sleep as Park was still holding me with her arms, her right hand still well-positioned above my heart. It was bringing me a little smile to have her with me and I wanted to go back into my sleeping mood but there was a little something that was avoiding me as if I didn't want to reface a memory like this...

Slowly realizing that I couldn't close my eyes in fear, seeing myself on that chair while either Stitch or Freya tormenting me for my choices, I decided to get myself up from bed even if it wasn't the time for that, gently removing Park's arms to let her sleep peacefully, and then, gathering my clothes that were still on the ground at my side of the bed to dress up, now wondering what I was going to do: breakfast? Stay on the couch?

It was when I put up my pants that my look got back on the nightstand where I could see Lazar's diary that I didn't look at it for days...since we came back to London from Verdansk, Park having read it all before I had to save her in that bar and since, I didn't read it because I was scared but now, I was curious, curious to see what was written in it. So, when I was finished and ready to get out, I took the diary with me before heading out.

Having it in my hands and it was like I was holding a big weight in my hands, given to what could be written & told inside it about some details I never knew about Lazar. Instead of going directly to get something to eat & drink, I walked to the living room main couch, installing myself on it and I was uncertain to actually open it as what Park saw caused what she did that night but...I needed to know, Lazar was a brother to me...so, I took a deep breath...and I opened it to the next page...

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Eleazar 'Lazar' Azoulay

1980

Today was a different and weird day to live for me, not because of my status or what I'm fighting for but for things that I will never have to do in my life, the risks we're taking to preserve our interests but also, to preserve what I'm standing for and what I want to believe.

A while ago, there were some rumors of people getting beheaded by a mysterious person and that case was very special to me as it was the first time I was facing such atrocities that a human can do to another one and it shakes me when I learned that it was one of us do.

She used to be called 'Madam Shell', a top MI6 agent that went rogue recently, known to kill some of her victims in particularly gruesome ways, including beheading, and today, I managed to find her in Cyprus all by myself.

My thoughts wanted at first to capture her and bring her to the MI6 for her crimes but something inside of me was saying that it couldn't bring justice for those who suffered from her, so instead of letting her do her life, I did exactly what she did to others: I beheaded her and threw her head in a river.

I know that it was gruesome for me, putting myself into questions of the things I'm doing for the others but I know myself that it was necessary, a sort of poetic justice. I did what's good for me but doing this kinda makes me question my own behavior.

Was I myself becoming someone I don't want to be?

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It was the first page I saw, the next one as a lot of pages were not here, having been teared up and it was talking about what he did to the person who made Park's neck scar and...it kinda brought a tear to my eyes to see that from him, it was something that put himself to question who he was...it was just troubling to see his writing and his diary after all these years away...troubling...

"Shit, I'm sorry, Laz'," I apologized, closing the diary with my hands along with my both eyes as if that memory I relived with Stitch put back my responsibility in Lazar's fate.

"Yirina?" Park's voice came inside the room, surprising me on my seat, like sending chills in me to hear her voice now. "It's almost 6 AM, why are you awake?" She asked me as she stepped inside, making me turn my head around to see that she was just wearing a simple long shirt with nothing covering her legs and feet.

"I woke up earlier, had a little nightmare," I replied to her, keeping my left hand above the cover of Lazar's diary as Park arrived at my sight in front of me. "You don't have to worry about it," I tried to lie but her face knew that she was seeing through me.

"What's wrong?" She demanded, walking to sit next to me on the couch before her eyes went on Lazar's diary. "You...you read it?" She chuckled at its sight.

"Just one page, just one," I whispered, taking a look at the diary before I decided to put it gently on the little table in the middle of the living room. "The page where he explained his vision on that day that he killed the one who...did it," I explained, my left hand pointing out at her scar on her neck.

"Madam Shell," She muttered, her look still on the diary. "I remember when I talked to you two about it...a few moments before we kissed," She said, remembering that perfectly, one of my first memories I recovered. "I wasn't even sure to talk about it freely, even with you,"

"You said that you weren't proud of it at that time," I remembered her words about it, feeling the pain that she had to face to talk of it. "I don't remember everything but what I could remember was a woman who managed to talk freely about it," I complimented, looking at her with a little smile on my face and her reaction was to put her eyes on me, returning a smile to me.

"I was just opening myself but thanks for it, Yiri," She grinned at me as she was holding her head with her right hand, her elbow on the backrest. "I'm getting over that part of my life but I can't still show it to the others that aren't you," She added in a low voice, her left hand posing slowly and lovely on my lap.

"If you don't want to show it, don't show it," I advised, not wanting to force herself in it. "Me, I got things that I can't hide," I stated, mentioning my scar on my head and the other's one.

"I like it, even if...well, you know," She told me, her voice meaning it despite the context of how I got it.

"Thanks but like you, I'm trying to get over it with no actual possibility to hide it," I snorted, scratching my chin with my right hand. "We all have a story to tell about our scars, aren't we?" I suggested to Park.

"Yes but I'm not sure that some will actually want to know about it if they don't ask," She responded, her left hand moving up along my shirt to get above my heart as she did in the night. "All of our scars are saying a story but are we willing to share them?" She asked, biting her top lip at me but I only raised my shoulders to her, couldn't know how to answer to it.

"If only between me & you, yes but with the others, can't tell," I decided nonetheless to give a little answer to her as she was looking rather curious. "Even if we both know about them, telling them to each other can maybe bring us more closer," I thought of it and she nodded at me.

"Of course," She agreed. "It isn't just thanks to our scars that the two of us are together but yeah, they helped to get us in each other's arms," She affirmed, her left fingers making some little circles around my heart. "As we're up, do you want something? Coffee?" She demanded.

"Well, I just want a coffee and...maybe I would get back on the bed to think freely," I replied, wanting to return to bed for having some clear thoughts.

"Don't move, I'll give you one," She ordered before she landed a soft kiss on my right cheek, and then, going back on her feet to walk towards the kitchen direction.

My mind was getting a bit confused about having to relive that memory with Stitch in that base even at this moment on the couch during my talk with Park of the marks that were on our bodies and inside, I know that there was a little struggling between not thinking of that dream or even about that music that was still getting heard through the very back of my head, almost going to moves my lips according to the song but I managed to hold on.

"Two coffees," Park spoke up as she was coming back in the room with two cups of coffee in both hands, me moving my arms to grab the one she was holding in her right hand.

"Thanks," I said in a low voice after grabbing the white cup in the palm of my hand, feeling the heat of the coffee inside of it and the white smoke coming out.

"You're good?" Park asked me as she got to sit back next to me, holding her own black cup with a little British flag on it in her left hand.

"I was thinking about the memory I relived," I responded to her before taking a little taste of the coffee...milk & sugar...as I love it...

"Can you tell me about it?" She questioned me obviously, knowing well that I was going to tell her about it anyway.

"It was like before: tied up to a chair in Verdansk and facing Stitch," I started, putting my both hands around my cup and looking at it. "Torturing me to make me speak, wondering why I was working with you and managing to know the reason...you," I continued, slowly turning my head around to look at her, taking a sip.

"I'm sorry," She apologized, moving her right hand behind my left shoulder.

"It wasn't your fault, not at all," I reassured her about that before looking back at my cup. "He was forcing me to listen to music non-stop, drugging me and trying to make myself responsible for what happened to Lazar," I added, a knot in my chest to pronounce these words as my right eye could see Park stopping in her moves. "Stitch wanted to give me back something I managed to get over,"

"It was never your fault, Yiri, you know that," Park said, keeping her hand on me and I was processing that sentence in my head, wanting to make sure that it was staying...it wasn't my fault. "We...well...no, we can't talk about this," She cut herself numerous times and I wasn't reacting to her as she was right.

"Was it something the CIA did?" I asked her like that, referring to the music.

"What?" She raised both eyebrows to me in a curious way as I wasn't very specific.

"Listening to music, was it something that the CIA used for me?" I clarified my question, wanting to make it clear. "Like...for the brainwashing or the normal interrogations methods?" I gasped at talking about it as normal for me.

"Yes, Adler used it on you...was it...'Staying alive'?" She guessed right as I nodded to her, giving me an answer about one of the things CIA did. "Shit, how did they know about that?"

"Perseus managed to get their hands on some CIA files about me and the MK-Ultra project, surely to either break the brainwashing...or to make a new one," I answered as that part was never put in front of our discussions since we got free. "They wanted to make a new one...and they did worse," I snorted, quickly passing my hand below my nose. "These memories, I don't even remember them...like if they tried to make me forget about it,"

"And somehow, you're living them again," Park thought, moving her hand on the top of my shoulder as I took a sip from my coffee.

"Did they hurt you, you know, after I broke?" I asked her about it, fearing the worst as remembering the day I broke down in front of Freya & Stitch was like falling headfirst from a building.

"Yes, they did," She said, causing me to gasp in sadness, closing my eyes but quickly open them back as I didn't want to see pictures of Park getting hurt in my head. "It was either Stitch or Freya but she was the one doing it the most, it was...more mentally than physically,"

"What did they do?" I chuckled at asking that.

"Freya was angry, wondering why I was playing with you as she was sure that you were loving her but as I was the one to fuck up your life," She alleged, her hands trembling as she put her black cup down on the table in front of us. "She was right for a part but...she wanted to make me realize that I was only here to brutalize you, to make you weak, and to make you forget about her true feelings," She added, sounding like she was going to cry to tell that.

"I don't know what happened but she's seeming obsessed with me as if she couldn't live without having me around," I stated, my right fingers delicately scratching the side of my cup before I decide to finish it entirely. "We got raised like sisters but...she was ready to sacrifice everything and even her relation with Sonya to have me back," I mentioned before putting my cup away on the table.

"Yeah," Park breathed in a very low voice before I turned around to look at her, hiding her face with her hands.

"You're alright?" I asked her and she slowly moves her hands to see that she was silently crying, a tear on her face coming out of her eyes.

"No...I...I'm sorry, Yirina," She broke out in tears before moving her arms around me, our conversation having surely done this to her.

"I'm sorry, we shouldn't have talked about this," I told her in her ear as I was getting my arms around her, to comfort her. "Do you want to go back to bed with me?" I proposed to her.

"Yes, please...please," She pleaded with me but as I wanted to go up with her, she wasn't moving at all from her spot, looking paralyzed on the couch.

I couldn't let her like that so I decided to take her in my arms, holding her in them and getting her bare feet off the ground before starting to walk away from the couch with her inside my arms, hers getting wrapped around my neck to stay well and be sure that she wasn't going to fall on the ground along the way, something that no one wants here, holding her was like seeing myself back when we were escaping Perseus with Sonya's help.

A few seconds later, we reached out our bedroom, opening with one of my free hands the door before moving to Park's side of the bed where I put her on it before I decided to install myself back at my side, staying now with her and cuddling her from behind as the sounds of her cries were still heard in my ears, resisting to not cry.

"I'm sorry, Yirina for what I did," She continued, feeling herself again guilty about everything.

"It's okay, I forgive you, you're forgiven," I reassured her as my arms around her were holding her softly and gently, not wanting to give her much harm. "I can't blame you,"

"You have to blame me, I was there with Adler," She stated in a raised broken voice against me but my only reaction was to only close my eyes and put my head against the back of her neck. "I was there, I helped him,"

"You're forgiven, Park," I repeated to her, giving a comforting kiss on her neck, myself resisting to not cry despite her owns. "You're an amazing person, I know it, Zasha knows it, Portnova knows it, you're amazing," I told her, telling the whole truth to her, she was amazing.

"Rea-Really?" She muttered, my right hand slowly moving towards her neck to touch along her scar in a comforting way.

"Yes, I love you, people can maybe think badly about you but you don't care, I'm here for you," I said in a very serious voice, feeling her skin & scar on my fingers, realizing that it was my first time been the one to comfort. "I love you, that's the main thing here," I affirmed, finally removing any space between us. "For me, you're the best person I've met," I confessed and her reaction was to turn around by herself against me.

"Really, you do think of it?" She demanded in a low voice, her hands slowly crossing to touch my cheeks and I nodded slowly but surely and to add, I kissed her on the lips, proving to her that I was meaning it at 100%

"Yes, you're the one I love, the one I'm protecting," I confirmed after the kiss before I moved my arms around for a big hug, getting my right hand behind her head that was now next to her, wanting to feel her secured with me...

"Don't worry, no one will hurt you with me, no one, you're a good person,"