#lately I've been thinking about if he was uh. in our universe? time? his canon age in this year. what it would be.

[uwuinhell]

Been down bad since 2012 🫡

Reblog if you find the turtles attractive

Please tell me I’m not the only one

[novantinuum]

Fandom: Steven Universe Rating: Mature Audiences (For references to underage sex) Words: 2.8K~ Summary: It’s possible. The timing lines up. What Connie fears is one hundred percent possible. The problem is, a potential pregnancy this early into their relationship was absolutely not in their plans.

WOE, post canon Connverse pregnancy scare fic be upon ye.

This is honest to god the fastest I've ever written a fic of this length in my whole ass life- I thought of this idea literally last night and nailed it all out in like twelve straight hours. Just so y'all can make an informed decision on whether to read or sit out, this contains minimal description of actual sex beyond like one short paragraph- instead focusing in on the human fallout of poor teenage decision making.

Connie is 17 and already in college, and Steven is 19.

On a semi-related topic, Google absolutely believes I'm pregnant now after all the incessant research I did for this story, lmafo.

Enjoy! I'm putting basically all of this fic under a cut here due to its mature topic nature.

__

If you asked Steven what kind of conversation he expected when Connie called him out of the blue at one AM in the morning, one where she’s hysterical and halfway to hyperventilating definitely wouldn’t have been at the top of his list.

“Woah, woah—” he stresses, passing the phone to his other ear so he can pick on up what she’s saying better. “Just— slow down, okay? Start from the beginning. What’s happened?”

“It’s been three days, Steven!” she says, voice hitching upon his name. “I know my cycle, okay?? I’ve been tracking my cycle ever since I started menstruating, and it’s supposed to be like goddamn clockwork! It’s never been late like this. Never!”

“And you’re, uh— you’re absolutely sure there’s nothing else that could be interfering-??”

“Of course I’m fucking sure!” she hollers, making the small speaker bar on his phone vibrate against the side of his head. 

He winces, already regretting his poor choice of words with her. 

“Okay, okay, I— I shouldn’t have pressed about that. I’m sorry. Just—” he sucks in a deep breath of air, doing his absolute beat not to delve down the dangerous implication filled rabbit hole this early on, when tensions are high and accurate information is sorely limited— “what do you need right now? What can I do to help?”

“I need you here,” she warbles, her hysteria finally pushing over the brim and transforming into a heartbreaking bounty of distraught cries. “With me—!”

He clamps down upon the inside of his lip, thinking. The unfortunate part of living two timezones away from a romantic partner is that their transportation options for emergency visitations are limited. Unless… 

“Is Lion with you?” he asks, crossing his fingers and hoping beyond all hopes that this aloof feline miraculously chose this evening to make a visit at Connie’s off campus group home.

“I-I…” Brief pause. There’s a faint ruffle in the line, probably her shifting position. “I think he’s outside, yes.”

“If you can send him over to me, I’ll be there as fast as I can. Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispers, hoarse and strained. 

“We’ll figure this out, I promise. Love you.”

“Love you…”

And with that, Connie hangs up from her end.

Steven’s humble little studio apartment falls into complete and utter silence. He cradles his phone in his hands, staring with unparalleled intensity at his seventeen-year-old girlfriend’s smiling contact photo for a good few minutes… contemplating the sheer daunting weight of the potential future life’s just sprung on them out of nowhere. 

It’s possible.

The timing lines up.

What Connie fears is one hundred percent possible.

“Shit,” he ultimately hisses, shoving the device in his back pocket and moving to grab his wallet, his keys, and a light jacket.

This was absolutely not the conversation he expected to have tonight.

_____

One trip to his local 24-hour convenience store and a ride on Lion later, Steven finds himself perched on the edge of Connie and her housemates’ shared couch holding the instructional pamphlet for a pregnancy test, intensely conscious of the sleep shattering noise they’re probably making out here despite their best attempts at whispering. Ugh. He really, really hopes they don’t wake Patricia or Natalie up with all this racket. He doesn’t want to be rude, especially not at the heart of midterms season.

“But this says you’re not supposed to take it until a week after your first missed period,” he says, tapping his finger at the relevant section of fine print.

“That doesn’t mean it’s not gonna work at all, though,” Connie shoots back, tussling the instructions from his hands. “Look, see—? It doesn’t say you’re not supposed to take it until then, it just says the results may have a higher chance of inaccuracy.”

“And isn’t accuracy exactly what we need at the moment?” he responds with a bit too much stress riding within his tone. 

(His thoughts trail back to almost three weeks ago. That kissing session that got a bit more heated than either of them had originally planned for. The expired condom that he didn’t realize was expired until after it broke in the middle of sex.)

She shoots him a withering look, her eyes puffy and damp from all the tears she’s already shed tonight. 

“No, what I need is an answer. Any answer, so I can finally go to bed and stop freaking the hell out over this. You know how I am— I just gotta rip the bandaid off, and then I’ll be fine. I’ll even test daily for the next week if that makes you feel better.”

“Whatever makes you feel better,” he gently redirects, capturing her trembling hand within his and rubbing faint circles against the side of her palm for a few precious moments.

Sniffling, she gives a faint nod, grabbing the test itself from the coffee table and moving to stand.

“Okay. I… I’ll be just a few minutes. I’ll come back out once I have the sample ready, a-and… and then we can wait together.”

“Take your time,” he says.

She does.

As it turns out, peeing on demand (and on a plastic test strip, no less) is pretty difficult, even more so when one is stressed beyond all belief. 

They keep in contact over text for those long twenty or so minutes, and it’s through this feed of discussion that he starts to piece together the full picture of what must’ve happened here.

Mistake number one: Connie knew she was in a fertile period. She knew, and— horny as she was at the time— decided to progress the speed of their lovemaking anyways. All her choice. She provided him a condom she’d gotten as a free sample from some university health fair, and off they went. In any normal circumstance, that’s where this story would stop.

But then came mistake number two: right as he neared the brink of orgasm, he felt a distinct jump in sensitivity— one that not only sent him careening right over the edge, but also alerted him to the fact that his condom must’ve snapped. He’s almost positive Connie felt it too. He pulled out as quick as he could the second he realized, but what’s done was done. 

They discovered big mistake number three right afterwards: The condom was already expired. It was expired all along, and neither of them had thought to check the label before slipping it on. Stupid. Connie promised she’d talk to the campus nurse about getting her hands on some free Plan B that next morning— just in case— and Steven assumed that was the end of it. 

But then there was mistake number four: Apparently, Connie never took that Plan B at all. She was so wigged out over one of her upcoming midterms in a class she’s barely passing that (as he learns via this text thread) she forgot to go to the nurse to inquire about it in the first place. By the time she remembered, too many days had passed for it to be effective, so she didn’t bother looking into it further. Instead she merely crossed her fingers that nothing would come of this series of unfortunate happenings whatsoever, but then came late period day number one. And then number two. And then number three. And by that point, the evidence seemed so stacked against her favor that the stress simply exploded. She couldn’t study. She couldn’t even sleep. Thus, she just has to secure an answer tonight, or she’ll never find any peace, she says.

He understands, he does.

But also… he really, really wants to make sure that whatever answer they settle on with this matter is guaranteed correct. And soon, while there’s still time to do something about it (if that’s what she wants) without too much emotional investment coming into play.

Because accidentally knocking up his girlfriend in her second year of college… before they’re even married or close to being engaged… and while she’s still seventeen to boot was absolutely not in their plans.

“Ughhh… stupid, stupid,” he hisses to himself, knocking his head against the plush backing of the sofa. 

If that damned test comes back positive, her mother (and heck, probably Pearl too, for that matter) is going to kill him.

While he wouldn’t mind being a father in a few years’ time, the fact of thee matter is that they’re nowhere close to ready for such a future at this current juncture. Neither of them have jobs. Neither of them have a home of their own that isn’t partially paid for by their parents. Hell, on his end, even with regular therapy and steady medication he still struggles with the most basic self-care like showering daily and remembering to eat breakfast. So how on Earth— if Connie’s fears are right, and she is positive— is he supposed to suddenly pivot to taking care of an infant too on top of all that? Oh stars he’s not ready for this. He’s not. 

And if that’s how he feels, then he can’t even begin to imagine how much terror must be surging through her mind at this present moment.

Yikes. He’s really made a mess of things, hasn’t he? He should’ve… ugh, he should’ve said something. He should’ve gently told her ‘no’ the moment she revealed she was only a day away from ovulation. He shouldn’t have taken the risk. He should’ve thought to check in with her about the Plan B instead of blindly assuming she took care of it. He’s older, so he should’ve been the responsible one. 

He tells her as such.

no, no… it takes two to tango, silly, she responds via text a few seconds later. it’s not your fault any more than it’s mine. im sorry for yelling at you earlier, it’s just. not what i had planned.

same, he responses. 

And then, after a hard swallow and a moment’s pause… he dares to rustle up that big ol’ elephant in the room.

He asks The Question.

have u thought about what you’re gonna do if its positive yet

A set of ellipses show up at the bottom of the screen. She’s typing. Slowly. 

Or maybe… 

The ellipses disappear for a bit. Then reappear. Then blink out existence once again.

Steven sighs, sinking back into the couch and setting his phone upside down so he doesn’t have to psych himself out by staring expectantly at her contact photo at the top of their text feed for the next goodness knows how long. 

Good grief. If he weren’t already so damn emotionally drained over all this, he’s sure he’d be glowing bright ass pink right now. Thank goodness he’s not. Connie needs his comfort tonight, not the other way around. His lip crinkles into a pensive frown as he reflects on the situation… shifts his gaze around the darkened living room. (He catches the faintest glimpse of Lion snoozing outside the window again as his eyes adjust to the light level.) For the briefest of seconds he considers shooting a text to Dad, curious if he might have any advice on how to handle this sort of situation, but then…

No, no. It’s far too early to say anything. Plus, he doesn’t want to risk letting the blunt reality of their active sex life break containment unless Connie says it’s okay.

His phone buzzes.

Heart pounding with unimaginable ferocity, he flips it over to read.

honestly the reason i’m so freaked out rn is that i think id really wanna keep it. even though im SURE it would mess up all my college goals. is that stupid??

Brief pause yet again as she adds something else.

i’m so, so sorry i know that might not be something you’re ready to commit to rn. that’s half of why i’m so upset. i don’t want this to speed up our relationship in ways you’re not ready for, or ruin it altogether

Steven’s inhale is sharp and shallow, his thoughts racing as he tries not to consider the potential implications of what her decision means for him too deeply. It’s not about me, he reminds himself. It’s not about me.

hey, no- it’s okay, he types, fingers shaking. don’t fuss about me. it’s your body. your choice. i’ll support you through whatever you decide. promise.

Send.

A good while passes without a response. 

Considering the heaviness of the topic, he’s half a mind to stride across the room and go knock on the bathroom door to see if she’s okay, but then that very door squeaks open.

Connie scuttles to the couch in a hurry, the test and a generous wad of toilet paper in hand. She lays down the paper on the coffee table first for cleanliness’ sake, and sets the plastic sample cartridge on top of it.

Then, with a weary sigh, she sets a timer on her phone for three minutes.

“Please don’t let me look at it until time’s up,” she says, slumping against his side for comfort. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers, shifting his position to wrap his arms tight around her. Secure. Safe. “We’re okay. Whatever happens, we do it together, all right?”

“All right.”

Noticing her heavy blinking and angling to help her feel better, he brushes a stray wavy lock back behind her ear, his touch as delicate as he can muster. “Hey. Jam buds?”

“Jam buds,” she nods with a watery smile.

They sit in silence for about thirty seconds, allowing each others’ racing heartbeats to lull them to at least some form of camaraderie laden relief.

Or at least, they try to.

“My mom is not gonna be happy about this,” Connie says out of the blue, attaching words to the daunting thought they’re clearly both stewing over.

“If it’s positive,” he reminds her. “It’s still a big if.”

“But I’m right though. I was an underage accident, too, remember? I just—” her voice breaks as she chokes back what he fears might be an impending sob— “I know she wanted better for me. I don’t want to disappoint her, y’know?”

He risks a dry joke to lighten the mood.

“Well… at least if she’s mad, you have the excuse that it runs in the family to fall back on, right?”

“Oh, shut up, you,” she says with a half-hearted giggle, playfully shrugging him away.

They lapse into a peaceful quiet yet again.

He busies himself tracing abstract shapes against the knob of her shoulder, doing his best to help ground her amidst this unexpected squall in their relationship.

“How much time’s left?” she asks, her tone shrunken and nervous 

Steven glances over at her phone on the table. “Just a few more seconds.”

The timer goes off a mere cluster of heartbeats later.

Taking a deep breath as one committed unit, their hands inseparably intertwined, the two lean forward to investigate the pregnancy test together.

There’s only a single band visible in the results window, where the control should be.

Negative.

Steven lets out what’s quite possibly the biggest exhale of his full nineteen years.

Thank the stars.

That’s step one.

It’s still not a solid confirmation— not with this singular test taken so early into what she fears is a missed cycle— but it’s a start.

“What does it mean that a tiny part of me is kinda disappointed now…?” Connie asks him afterwards, sinking backwards into the couch’s soft embrace. 

“It means we’ll have to try again in a few years,” he says, giving the crown of her head a soft kiss. “When we’re actually ready.

_____

Connie tests again just a few hours later that morning. 

Then the next day.

And the next.

All negative.

Much to their relief, their one hundred percent conclusive answer comes on day three, when she calls him at the literal crack of dawn with immense excitement to report the belated start of her period.

Just to be extra sure, she makes a walk-in appointment at the university clinic to talk through the scare with one of their doctors on day four.

“It was that damn anxiety med I just started,” she relays to him over the phone later that evening. “I didn’t even think about it. Apparently medications that function as antidepressants run the risk of screwing up your cycle a bit. Thus, the delay.”

“Well, now we know for the future, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” she says with a faint chuckle. “That, and the importance of never using cheap free sample condoms. Ugh… I’m gonna be so paranoid about expiration dates, now.”

He frowns, rapping his fingertips against the arm of his desk chair.

“Hey, listen— don’t get all worked up over it, okay? Like you’ve said before, it takes two to tango. We never have to do anything you’re not explicitly comfortable with.”

“Yes, yes, you’re right,” she acquiesces. “Of course you’re right… Still, I guess the silver lining of all this is that now I know I actually want children someday.”

“Same,” he says, his chest fluttering with unquestionable affection. “Let’s get you through college first, though. Then we’ll talk.” 

Connie giggles, lively and free. The sound is spellbinding music to his ears.

“Sounds like a deal, Biscuit.”

[shelllessturtle]

Behind the scenes of this livetext: Mycroft gets a new phone and identifies Iago via haiku; Iago sees Hamilton; "Pride and Prejudice but in Starfleet" becomes a thing; Iago quits their job; SO MANY PUNS; and it turns out that Mycroft has never finished Avatar: the Last Airbender. A year in the making (I'm not even fucking kidding), I present you with: Iago Reads Wizards At War (lightly edited for ease of reading)

Mycroft: Better start bracing yourself for book 8 now

Iago: Oh sweet Jesus

Mycroft: There, no you can't say I didn't warn you

Iago: But you /know/ it's funnier when I get to threaten you with gruesome death!

Iago: Are you ready for this?

Iago: ...one of the chapter titles is "Acceptable Losses". /I/ am not ready for this.

Iago: Nita needs a vacation from her vacation. Nita sweetie...

Iago: "Neets, is it true he destroyed a whole alien culture in just ten days?" Carmela Rodriguez is my Patronus

Mycroft: Right?

Mycroft: She just keeps getting better

Iago: Roll call at the Callahan home: "three humans, one humanoid, one tree, and one giant bug" and I'm quietly cackling in public

Iago: "The centipede pointed a couple spare eyes at the Christmas tree." Taken out of context, I think that may be the most bizarre sentence I've ever read. In context, it makes perfect sense. I don't know which amuses me more.

Mycroft: Yesssss

Iago: "But her mom had loved those lilacs, and wouldn't be seeing them again." OKAY OW

Iago: Oh sweet minty Jesus

Iago: You weren't wrong.

Iago: And I wasn't prepared.

Mycroft: So not prepared

Mycroft: What's that in response to specifically?

Iago: Basically the entire series of events leading to Kit and Nita becoming Seniors

Mycroft: BASICALLY

Mycroft: IT'S ALL GONE TO SHIT

Iago: Descriptions of wizardries in action never fail to be beautiful

Iago: "The changes in the structure of space then start affecting the thought processes and reactions of all living beings in the area. Their behavior will start to become less and less rational...less committed to Life."

SHE WROTE THIS BOOK OVER A DECADE AGO HOW IS IT SO RELEVANT RIGHT NOW

Mycroft: Oh you have no idea

Iago: God help my soul

Mycroft: So yes, welcome to Tom's Wizardly PowerPoint of universal doom

Iago: I should just go see Moana again. It's far less depressing

Iago: "Uh-oh". Now Nita's getting in on it

Mycroft: Indeed

Iago: Looks like Nita's playing "fake it 'til you make it"

Iago: I don't know if that's good or bad, to be honest

Mycroft: Fairly characteristic tho

Iago: True

Iago: "...yet another lollipop sticking out of his face." That is the greatest description of someone with a sucker in their mouth that I've ever witnessed

Mycroft: Roshaun and his lollipop addiction

Mycroft: The real OTP

Iago: *chokes* oh my gOD

Iago: Sker'ret just called Nita "Senior". I think both Nita and I had a quick internal freak-out

Iago: THEY STILL HAVE BETTY CALLAHAN'S NUMBER IN THEIR HOME PHONE I'M GOING TO GO CRY IN A CORNER

Mycroft: ;__;

Iago: "The universe has started expanding too fast, and we have to stop it before it tears itself apart."

"Um. Okay, I see why you might need a few extra days off for that."

*slightly hysterical laughter*

Mycroft: Same

Iago: "Two weeks to save the universe". Sounds like an album title

Mycroft: I'd listen to it

Iago: "What /is/ grenfelzing, exactly?"

"It's kind of like emmfozing, but with chocolate."

Have I ever mentioned that I both hate and love your ability to quote these goddamn books at me when I ask questions?

Mycroft: I can't recall, but I'm glad to hear it

Mycroft: Also I mean that's the only canon explanation so really, what else could I say

Iago: But you quoted it /word for word/

Mycroft: Admittedly, that was at least partially For The Meme

Iago: I'll allow it

Iago: "...a brief, profound case of amnesia. They'd instantly forgotten why they were there" sounds like my life

Iago: Oh my god what is Spot doing with the TV

Iago: *whispers* How bad is it that my mind is currently in the gutter

Mycroft: Dataaaaaa

Iago: AM I JUST A PERVERT OR DOES THAT SOUND INCREDIBLY DIRTY

Mycroft: It's certainly something

Iago: "But most of the aliens are here for the cocoa plants." Well, I can't exactly blame them...

Iago: Carmela Rodriguez remains a gift

Iago: Oh god Ronan's back

Mycroft: Yessssss Carmela and Ronan

Mycroft: A dangerous combination

Iago: Ronan keeps the Spear in a pen

Iago: *checks date published*

Iago: Feels a bit Percy Jackson to me

Iago: Carmela has the insta-hots for Ronan. This is gonna be fun

Iago: "The fucking heir of an almighty something or other" is still a really good description for Roshaun. In case you were wondering if I had warmed up to him any more

Iago: WHALE

Iago: WHALE ON THE MOON

Iago: Whale On The Moon is the name of my new techno jazz band

Mycroft: Can I join?

Mycroft: I'll learn any new instrument you need

Iago: ...having thought about it, I'm legitimately not certain what instruments would be /played/ in a techno jazz band. So, I mean, if you want to learn the synthesizer...

Iago: Young Wizards book 8 alternate title: Wizards' Reunion

Iago: Lots of air quotes going on right now

Iago: ....I want Darryl's manual

Iago: "Where's your adjunct talent?"

"Playing with rocks, as usual."

Okay now I really want a puppy

Iago: "Twychild". Have I mentioned lately that the worldbuilding in these books gives me a case of the warm fuzzies?

Mycroft: Yesssss Tuyet and Nguyet

Iago: *whispers* Why is there a thought-voice talking in second-person in Kit's head

Iago: The description of Roshaun's living space send help

Iago: "A three-way collision between an antique furniture warehouse, a jewelry story, and a Gothic cathedral carved and decorated by the artistically insane."

Iago: So my brain has given Roshaun's father the voice of Mark Hamill.

Iago: There's a decent chance I'm going to just call him the Phoenix King

Iago: "Speaking truth to power is never 'out'." DAIRINE REMAINS GOD

Iago: (Also if I ever go to a protest I'm putting that on my sign.)

Mycroft: Yessss do it

Mycroft: And which kind of Mark Hamill are we talking here: Skywalker, Firelord or Joker?

Iago: Firelord. Thus the Phoenix King comment

Iago: Oh my god Dairine in the face of implications that she and Roshaun are ~involved~

Mycroft: Blessss

Iago: "You tell those people that they are completely nuts!"

Iago: Did...did Roshaun just /whine/ at his mother?

Mycroft: Yes

Mycroft: Not so dignified now

Iago: *falls off the table in laughter*

Iago: Oh god is Roshaun developing a Thing for Dairine

Mycroft: WELCOME TO THE MADDENING AMBIGUITY

Iago: MADDENING AMBIGUITY IS THE NAME OF MY NEW POLITICAL PUNK BAND

Mycroft: Bless

Iago: This is my favorite game

Mycroft: I know a fair few YW fans who have a particular talent for it

Iago: I have a list. I use them in my stories for bands my characters like

Mycroft: Most excellent

Iago: Ponch wants blue food

Mycroft: As do we all

Iago: I /could/ go for some blue Jolly Ranchers

Iago: Ponch, to Ronan: "You two just talk among yourselves."

Dog sass is best sass

Iago: "It's math, Kit, but not as we know it."

SHE. SHE JUST. SHE FUCKING DID THAT ON PURPOSE

Iago: I'm going to go curl up in a corner and cry with laughter now

Mycroft: Yup

Mycroft: What a nerd, right

Iago: Pot, kettle

Iago: Oh shit Sker'ret is having a fight with his parent

Iago: ...I currently have a desire to cuddle what amounts to a giant centipede. What have you done to me

Mycroft: The magic of Young Wizards

Iago: That was terrible

Iago: But, then again, I love terrible

Iago: Okay so the description of dark matter

Mycroft: Yes?

Iago: I feel like I have something crawling around under my skin

Mycroft: It's unsettling, isn't it

Mycroft: That gets worse

Iago: Oh god

Iago: "Nita for the first time actually saw someone else look out of Ronan's eyes. The expression was one of recognition coupled with a very controlled anger. The one who looked out had seen something like this before."

Oh. Shit. Oh /shit/.

Mycroft: Yessssss

Mycroft: Shit just got real

Iago: I am not prepared for this

Mycroft: Correct

Iago: GIGO

Mycroft: :D

Iago: "For transits like this, we temporarily rewrite the kernel that manages local gravity and mass in our solar system. It's no big deal."

oh my gOD

Iago: They are actually Dairine's children

Mycroft: They've been busy since we last saw them

Mycroft: And it's awesome

Iago: "A world of true computer wizards" get the fuck out

Iago: They're actually calling her Mother s e n d h e l p

Mycroft: RIGHT

Iago: I'm not crying you're crying

Mycroft: I'm not crying I'm eating a quaesadilla

Mycroft: The crying one must be you

Iago: Well I can't see to tell you so who knows

Iago: "Guys," [Dairine] said after a moment, "you make me proud."

"That is our other purpose," Beanpole said. "Our first one."

Iago: I A M D E A D

Mycroft: I knowwww

Iago: "Life's all the time sending /me/ messages I can't read." [Dairine] flicked just a second's glance at Roshaun, who she was starting to think was yet another of those messages.

Iago: Oh lordy

Iago: Oh god above send help

Iago: Spot's becoming less of a machine, more alive. I don't know if I'm in support of this change

Mycroft: Everyone needs upgrades now and then :P

Iago: I don't like change

Iago: I kind of adore the mobiles all bowing to Dairine

Iago: Roshaun raised his eyebrows and produced another lollipop, which he held out to her.

"How many of those things do you have?" Dairine said.

"Not nearly enough," Roshaun said.

Iago: Please excuse me while I go laugh myself sick

Mycroft: Roshaun has his priorities in order

Mycroft: There was always a jar of lollipops on hand at CrossingsCon in his honor

Iago: Perfect

Iago: "I'll give you a dysfunction where you'll have trouble finding it again."

Totally stealing that don't even care

Mycroft: Excellent

Iago: "I may be a mother, but you are /mine/."

Maybe I didn't take enough time to recover after finishing The Slow Regard of Silent Things I'm going to go collapse in an emotional heap

Mycroft: So many Dairine feels, I knowww

Iago: "Enthusiasmic incorporation of the Hesper--"

What? What?! What does it say? What does it mean? I NEED TO KNOW

Mycroft: [rubs hands together; evil laughter] I'M SAYING NOTHING

Iago: Oh god is time moving faster on Metemne

Mycroft: MAYBE

Iago: Oh fuck it's relativity isn't it. Because they're near the source of the dark matter, they're moving faster than the rest of the Universe

Mycroft: Very possible

Iago: Oh no. Introduction of Della Cantrell and MY EMOTIONS CAN'T TAKE THIS HALP

Mycroft: Oh boy

Iago: Nita's phone call to her dad. Direct hit to the feels.

Mycroft: Harry Callahan is such a good dad

Iago: That is part of why it hurts so much

Iago: "Nita, could you please get off me before we accidentally become more than just good friends?"

*cackles maniacally*

Mycroft: BEST

Iago: Holy fucking sHIT ALMOND SPIDERS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Mycroft: Wait what

Mycroft: Remind me of the context for that

Iago: On Rashah. The creatures destroying the trees are almond-shaped and have eight legs. Almond spiders

Mycroft: Oh ok that's what I figured

Mycroft: HELLO TO OUR TERRIFYING NEW ALIEN FRIENDS

Iago: ALMOND SPIDERS. WHY.

Mycroft: WHY NOT

Iago: "They've been fighting each other, on and off, for /millions/ of years?"

"They must be really enjoying it, to keep the war going so long."

Sker'ret is so great

Mycroft: Rashah is not exactly a great vacation destination, that's for sure

Iago: Oh sweet minty Jesus the almond spiders are a remnant after an atomic holocaust I need a drink

Iago: And...they're all avatars...of the Lone Wanker. Better make that two drinks.

Mycroft: WELCOME TO RADIOACTIVE POSSESSED WAR-MONGERING GIANT SPIDER CULT WORLD

Mycroft: ENJOY YOUR STAY

Iago: Where is Nita's dad

Iago: I am Concerned

Iago: Also

Iago: I will never get tired of the "check your spelling" joke

Mycroft: Same

Iago: "Words had just failed Dairine." Gods above have mercy on us all

Mycroft: I appreciate that the narration pauses to note how unthinkable that is

Iago: Also, a "bright" version of the Lone Power

Iago: What does that mean

Iago: Why is bright in quotes

Mycroft: To indicate it's kind of a rough description of a more complex subject, mostly

Iago: But does it mean that we're getting a version of the Lone Power that's more on the good side or a version that's worse than usual

Mycroft: There's more explanation later, but basically picture the LP's non-evil twin

Mycroft: Like its opposite, basically

Iago: I thought /you/ were refusing to give spoilers

Mycroft: Meh, I saw that as more clarification on what you already read, ymmv

Mycroft: But stay tuned

Iago: Well obviously

Iago: Nita doesn't like shooting people who are shooting at her

Mycroft: Krakens don't count but I don't think they were as sentient

Iago: "I'm a wizard, not an engineer" goddammit /again/?!

Mycroft: Yesss

Iago: I shall take myself off to the laughing corner

Iago: Oh god self-destruct at the Crossings

Mycroft: Kind of a terrifying prospect

Iago: Nita just blew up a giant gun

Mycroft: Yesss

Iago: "High-fiving a giant centipede can take a while."

Up next on Winning Understatements....

Mycroft: That is so fun to picture

Iago: I know!

Iago: "I don't wear socks."

"Just as well. You'd bankrupt yourself."

That is /also/ fun to picture

Mycroft: As an antidote to the tense battle scene, have a bunch of centipede leg jokes

Iago: Pretty much

Iago: Wait

Iago: /Carmela/?!

Mycroft: Hahahaha yesss

Mycroft: THE GLORIOUS RETURN

Iago: What

Iago: WHAT

Iago: Okay, Sker'ret just /swallowed/ the self-destruct panel

Mycroft: He's got a talent for that kind of thing

Iago: Which, I mean, okay, great way to not lose it

Iago: But

Iago: Can't he digest, like, /everything/?

Iago: And the self-destruct sequence is still going?

Iago: What happens if he takes too long to get the panel back out?

Mycroft: Rirhait stomach work in mysterious ways

Iago: ...is that the canon explanation or your way of saying "don't think about it too hard"

Mycroft: Yes

Iago: Why did I let you talk me into this

Mycroft: Because it's awesome, come on

Iago: Ugh

Iago: *quiet noises of agreement*

Iago: "So I took steps." CARMELA

Iago: (Carmela is the reason I let you talk me into this.)

Mycroft: That's the best answer

Mycroft: This book is Peak Carmela honestly

Iago: *whispers emphatically* Juanita Louise

Mycroft: Yessssss

Iago: Carmela just referred to Filif as "my favorite Christmas tree" and Carmela is all of us in that moment

Mycroft: So true

Mycroft: Filif is tree-mendous

Iago: I fucking hate you so much right now. :b

Mycroft: :D

Iago: "We are on errantry, and we greet you."

"Not that you particularly /merit/ greeting." Nita pls

Mycroft: She's earned the right to some snark, I'd say

Iago: Clearly

Iago: "You get more honey with flies. Wait a minute, that's not how it goes." CARMELA PLS

Mycroft: Oh my god

Mycroft: Get ready for another legendary Carmela moment

Iago: IS SHE BRIBING THE TAWALF WITH CHOCOLATE

Iago: FUCKING SHIT YES SHE IS

Mycroft: YEAH

Mycroft: And now you know why this book made Carmela everyone's favorite

Iago: I'M SO PLEASED WITH THIS

Iago: I mean Dairine is always going to be my eternal favorite but yeah Carmela's a close second

Mycroft: Relatable

Iago: Oh my god now she's threatening to /eat/ the chocolate right in front of them I'm crying

Mycroft: I KNOW RIGHT

Iago: Ponch the almond spider is trying to catch his non-existent tail

Mycroft: Omfg I forgot about that

Iago: It's a hilarious picture

Iago: I think I just witnessed a cult gathering

Iago: "You let me worry about this planet, and I'll let you worry about all the others." HARRY CALLAHAN IS BEST DAD

Mycroft: THE VERY BEST

Iago: NO

Iago: NONONONONO

Iago: TOM AND CARL HAVE FORGOTTEN THEIR WIZARDRY

Mycroft: AH YOU'VE GOTTEN TO THAT PART

Mycroft: WELCOME TO HEARTBREAK CITY, POPULATION YOU

Mycroft: And also Nita

Iago: S E N D H E L P

Iago: Wait are Rirhait mostly purple

Iago: Because if yes than they are my new favorites

Mycroft: They also come in blue, green, and pink, but yeah

Mycroft: I'm pretty sure Sker'ret in particular is purple

Iago: Well I saw that but the book makes a point to say that there are a /lot/ of shades of purple and I fucking love purple

Mycroft: You're in luck, then

Iago: "I would never lose my balance. I am a paragon of grace and stability."

"Oh, yeah. Who said /that/?"

"Roshaun."

Someone help me

Iago: I cannot

Mycroft: Pffft

Mycroft: Classic Roshaun

Iago: Kit is hiding his eyes from "sex stuff" and I'm laughing

Iago: "My dog brings home strays." Kit your dog is a fucking gift

Iago: A ducking gift who knows how to work a situation to get dog treats

Iago: And...and then he gave the treat to the Yaldiv that he brought home.

Iago: Ponch is a good dog.

Mycroft: Ponch is a good dog

Iago: "What is it with these Callahan women that they're always after yelling at you and giving you grief?"

"Not always. Just when it's going to get most on your nerves."

Kit just be glad Nita isn't here because she'd sock you

Iago: Oh

Iago: Oh shit

Iago: Just head the story of the dogs' Choice

Iago: And

Iago: everything is fine

Iago: EVERYTHING IS FINE MYCROFT

Mycroft: E V E R Y T H I N G I S F I N E

Iago: "Even when people mean to do good things, bad things happen in the world."

"They're happening already. Pretending they're not won't help."

Memeki the almond spider is speaking to my soul I'm gonna go start a revolution now

Mycroft: Yes please do

Iago: ALMOND SPIDER ATTACK OH GOD

Mycroft: I'm greatly enjoying your dedication to calling the Yaldiv almond spiders

Iago: NITA AND CARMELA TO THE RESCUE FUCK YEAH

Iago: WAIT WAS THE "THING" NITA WAS SUPPOSED TO GO BACK AND GET ACTUALLY /CARMELA/?!

Iago: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE THE FUCKING GREATEST

Iago: Also

Iago: What does it mean that Memeki was honored by the Great One

Iago: Is she pregnant

Iago: Is she being nommed from the inside

Iago: Oh. Oh shit. What does Memeki mean by "my time"

Iago: CALLED IT ASSFACES

Iago: I mean

Iago: She's not currently getting et

Iago: But

Iago: Eggses

Iago: EGGSES, PRECIOUS

Iago: ACK NO WHY WITH THE MEMORIES OF BETTY I AM NEVER PREPARED FOR THOSE

Iago: Okay apparently the thing Nita was supposed to bring was /not/ in fact Carmela but rather hEART-WRENCHING MEMORIES OF HER MOTHER'S DEATH

Iago: Oh god Carmela is yanking Kit's chain about having found a manual and I'm experiencing emotional whiplash halp

Mycroft: Carmela is dedicated to yanking as many chains as possible, the audience's included

Iago: THEY'RE ALL LOST THEIR WIZARDRY SEND HELP

Iago: ROSHAUN IS ON HIS DIGNITY SEND A DIFFERENT KIND OF HELP

Iago: *inhuman screeching*

Iago: ACK NO YOU ABSOLUTE WANKHOLE GET YOUR DIRTY POWERS OFF CARMELA

Iago: "Oops," said Carmela...and, very slowly, smiled.

Mycroft: OOPS

Mycroft: The holy grail of Carmela badass

Iago: *screams a lot*

Iago: *so much screaming*

Iago: Oh, now This Bitch is rising from the ashes, because obviously

Iago: *snarls a lot*

Iago: *basically continuous snarling*

Iago: RONAN

Iago: R O N A N

Iago: *screams forever*

Iago: *interrupts eternal screaming for a breath* oh yes Sker'ret is in fact purple *continues screaming*

Iago: ROSHAUN WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Iago: ROSHAUN

Mycroft: ROSHAAAAUN

Iago: *still screaming*

Iago: WHAT THE HAP IS FUCKENING

Iago: WHY IS THE TRANSCENDENT PIG HERE

Iago: WHY IS PONCH A SHADOW DOG

Iago: P O N C H

Iago: PONCH IS SUCH A GOOD DOG

Mycroft: PONCH IS THE BEST DOG

Iago: *cries forever*

Iago: *is also still screaming*

Iago: TOM AND CARL ARE BACK

Iago: BUT ON THE OTHER HAND PONCH

Iago: PONCH

Iago: PONCH IS BACK

Iago: HE'S A SHEEPDOG NOW BUT HE'S PONCH

Iago: TOTALLY CRYING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS THE ANIMALS THAT GET TO ME

Iago: IT'S THE END OF THE BOOK AND THE DOG TECHNICALLY DIDN'T DIE

Mycroft: The dog did the opposite of dying, ultimately

Iago: PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I COLLAPSE ON THIS BED AND SOB WITH JOY

Iago: Okay I'm going to go collapse in an emotionally exhausted heap and probably read all of A Wizard of Mars tomorrow. So. Be ready for that.

Mycroft: CONGRATS you made it to the last stop on the emotional roller coaster that is Wizards at War

Mycroft: You win a free trip to Mars

Mycroft: Where definitely nothing will go wrong