#lash tech probs

[fireis-catching]

exhausted but ✨cute✨ work selfie

[mae-lou-ron]

A Friend Indeed

Summary: Two years into settling on Pabu, Crosshair reluctantly finds solace in some familiar places.

Warnings: hurt/comfort, cute brotherly fluff, descriptions of PTSD, descriptions of sleep paralysis symptoms, recurring nightmares involving medical trauma (nothing described), heightened anxiety around dates, grief processing, mental health probs, just wrecker and crosshair being adorable brothers with their emotional support animals.

Word Count: ~1,800

A/N: this is the first work I've ever posted. It started as a completely self indulgent drabble of Crosshair bonding with a scrungly stray island cat (still in progress), but I loved writing this brotherly exchange between Crosshair and Wrecker so much it kinda turned into something else entirely by the end? This story falls in line with my HCs that Wrecker is the mediator middle child, Tech is still alive and on Pabu with his family, and that he's an awful snorer. Proofread by me.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"And how is this supposed to help?" Crosshair seethed, looking down at the plush tooka doll his brother just shoved into his hand. "I don't need this, Wrecker."

"Oh come on, Crosshair, don't pretend like you didn't borrow Lula when we were younger...like that time you had nightmares after falling off the--"

"Stow it," Crosshair growled, throwing the doll back at his brother, but Wrecker, being used to his brother's temperament, dodged it easily. It tumbled to the floor and Batcher, who had been eyeing the tooka during their entire exchange, didn't hesitate to scoop it up and wiggle her hind quarters, hoping one of them would start a game of chase.

"Listen, I still get them too..." Wrecker said quietly as he took a step towards Crosshair, his hand resting on the sniper's shoulder with a gentle squeeze.

"Want to tell me about it?" He was no stranger to navigating Crosshair's anger. Especially now, after two years of them living on Pabu, two years into recovering mentally and physically from their experiences with the Republic and the Empire, two years of healing the bonds between one another. Wrecker knew that it was always a cover for something more nuanced. So, he was quiet and let Crosshair percolate with his thoughts before he spoke about what was bothering him. After a few moments, Crosshair grumbled, resisting the urge to shrug his shoulder free, but the wall he put up cracked just enough.

"It's just..." Crosshair’s hand clenched into a fist at his side. Batcher flopped down on her bed dramatically at being ignored, still holding the tooka gently in her mouth. "It's not just the nightmares..." he mumbled. Wrecker took a half step back, eyes soft and trained on his brother's deep furrowed brow and scowl at opening up like this. But Wrecker was patient.

When Crosshair continued, his voice was barely a whisper, "Sometimes when I wake up I'm still stuck there and...I can't...I can't move..." he trailed off, his mind flitting back to that morning.

He'd woken from the dream, or so he thought. Tantiss' medical droids were still swirling in his periphery, the smell of disinfectant still sharp in his nose. His nervous system immediately reacted, seeking to lash out, to escape, but his body didn't respond- for a horrible moment he thought he might be strapped down again but no, nothing was biting into his skin, he simply couldn't move. He tried to speak, but the words remained on his tongue.

No. He thought bitterly. They're not here. I'm not there.

He kept repeating this in his head, almost like a mantra as the panic coursed through his body. The droid never came close enough to touch him, but still close enough to be a threat. It felt like an eternity until his tunneled vision brightened slightly, the bits and pieces started to fade, and his bedroom in his Pabu home came into the forefront. He could finally feel his limbs thawing, the weight of the blanket on his feet, the rising sun casting speckles on the wall, the sound of seabirds calling in the distance. These things helped ground him enough to remember his training, he slowed his breathing in an attempt to quiet his pounding heart. It worked, but it didn't quiet completely, not until he could feel his toes wiggle.

Wrecker's warm hand gave his shoulder another squeeze, gently bringing Crosshair back to the present moment. Crosshair glanced up at his brother's scarred face, into his concerned, mismatched eyes for a fleeting moment before shaking his head and casting his eyes back downward. Wrecker was always a good listener despite his boisterous demeanor. He never tried to talk Crosshair out of how he was feeling, or suggest solutions unless asked. He was content to be an ear to bend and a shoulder to lean on.

And Crosshair would rather be slowly digested by that massive tentacled sea creature in the bay than have all of his family members concern be directed towards him. Hunter watched and hovered too much and it only frustrated Crosshair more. Tech would listen and be sure to provide the most annoyingly practical solution. Echo was his first choice to go to about this specific issue, but he was away again and difficult to get a hold of these days. Omega, his heart softened a little thinking of her. She would drag him to the cliffs and insist they meditate, look at him with those kind, concerned eyes. His eyes.

No. Absolutely not. Wrecker was his best option at not driving Crosshair back into himself. And he was so tired, so the wall came down a bit further. He looked up quickly again to make sure Wrecker was still listening. He always was.

"And they're...often," The sniper's lips pressed into a thin line. "Almost every morning this past week," Crosshair continued. "And sometimes in the middle of the night, which are the worst," he spat out so quickly it took Wrecker a second to process what he said.

"This happened last year around this time too," Wrecker thought out loud. Crosshair cringed at the realization he'd already known, but grunted in affirmation. He had learned that sometimes this is how it goes, especially around dates with any significance, and they returned from Tantiss for the last time on this day two years ago.

Wrecker looked thoughtful for a moment before his face brightened at a sudden idea. He strode around the room and started gathering the cushions and pillows, tossing them into a pile in front of the couch.

"What are you doing?" Crosshair drawled wearily, his eyes following Wreckers movements. He was already regretting his decision to speak more freely about this.

"I'm getting comfy," Wrecker said plainly as he settled down amidst the pile of pillows, leaning back against the couch. Batcher took this as an invitation to dig out her own spot at Wrecker's side, Lula in tow, settling down with it under her chin. "See?" he said, his tone light. "Let's camp out here!" He said spreading his arms wide before returning his hands to the back of his head. "You know like back on Kamino in the training storage room whenever Tech would snore too loud?" He grinned at the memory. "Hunter would always find us and act all annoyed but he just always wanted to know where we were...and get away from Tech's snoring,"

"Still does," Crosshair snorted, one corner of his mouth curling up slightly. Admiration for his brothers pulled him out of his resolute melancholy a little more. He settled down on the other side of Batcher, resting his arm over her back like he'd done a thousand times before. The hound grumbled at him when he lifted her chin gently to retrieve Lula.

"No." Crosshair said firmly. Batcher's eyes still followed the doll but she settled back down. He held Lula before him, taking in the tattered fabric, the stains, the patches added to mend rips and burns. One of her ears was almost completely gone.

"This thing is...disgusting," Crosshair scoffed quietly, it was almost a chuckle.

"Yeah, it is," Wrecker laughed heartily. "But she's been with us the whole time. Look..." he said pointing at the burn across the doll's back. "That's from when those clanker disrupters I made for your fire puncher went off in the barracks, remember?" He smiled widely remembering how angry Tech was at them for setting his bed on fire, while he was still in it. And Wrecker's, but that was nothing new back then. He continued regaling Crosshair with anecdotes about how the blemishes were made over the years.

Wrecker suddenly yawned, stretching and settling further into the nest, "Alright if I sleep here tonight," he said drowsily, more a statement than a question, his eyes still bright. Stars, he was a terrible liar, but Crosshair appreciated his attempts to not wound his pride. To give Crosshair the choice for his company without having to ask for it.

He was working on it.

"I suppose," he drawled. It was already late when his brother came by to check on him— and it's not like Wrecker would be easily moved at this point anyway. 

Crosshair, resigned but thankful for the company, studied the tooka for a while longer. The knot in his chest loosened slightly at the reminder of the joyful and chaotic moments they've shared. Bright moments poking through the darkness like the stars studding the night sky. Instead of tucking the doll under his arm or clutching it to his chest, he stuffed it behind his head before settling back onto its familiar softness.

Crosshair folded his arms over his chest, closing his eyes and tuning in on the sounds of the insects chirping softly outside, the distant waves were harder to hear now that the tide had retreated, but still added to the calmness that now descended upon the island. Batcher grumbled in contentment, and soon Crosshair's breathing matched Wrecker's, lulling him into a more peaceful sleep than he'd had all week.

The next morning when Crosshair opened his eyes, the frightening things he may have dreamt about didn't follow him. They stayed where they belonged, far out of his periphery. The bright orange morning creeping over the horizon chased away some of the shadows from his mind. Not all of course, but, some. Wrecker and Batcher were still right beside him, both very real and sleeping soundly. He wiggled his toes experimentally. Pleased when the joints flexed on his command. He could move and get up if he wanted, but it was still far too early to rise and start the day. Instead, Crosshair did something he hasn't done in weeks- he went back to sleep.

Maybe he was still right, he thought as he drifted off again, Lula still tucked under his head. Maybe he didn't need this, but he had to admit, it helped.

[ohthatsviolet]

Miroctane Event Day 4 - Pining

Words: 1,267

Summary: Elliott thinks he may have a crush on Octavio, but it's fine. He'll totally get over it...right?

Ao3 link will be in the RBs.

Elliott hasn’t felt this way before. All of his previous relationships or arrangements he’d kind of just...fallen into them. They seemed to just happen. Maybe that explained why he was still single. He rolled over onto his side, taking a quick glance at the clock on his bedside locker; it was close to 3am and he just couldn’t sleep. His mind was racing with thoughts of the evening gone before. He’d invited a group of Legends back to the Paradise Lounge for drinks which wasn’t out of the ordinary. But something special had happened this time around and it was the reason for his heart beating this fast and the fluttering in his stomach. Octavio had shown up, he’d stayed for the entire time and most importantly, he was mask-less.

For as long as Octavio had been part of the Apex Games, Elliott had a soft-spot for him. Sure, when most people looked at him all they saw was a daredevil on the hunt for his next big rush. Elliott would admit he’d thought similarly when they’d first met but he quickly realised he’d misjudged the runner completely. They’d been on a squad together multiple times and worked surprisingly well together. Octavio was a great asset to have on your team. He was always optimistic about your chances of winning, he was quick to think on his feet and his ability to cause distractions always worked in Elliott’s favour, snagging him a satisfying bamboozle or giving him a chance to get their other teammate out of the fray without anyone noticing. Outside of the games, Octavio was just as compelling to be around. He was always a source of interesting conversation, had a fondness for small animals and was unexpectedly good at mathematics. He had a certain unique charm to him. Elliott had learned about gravitational pulls in school but he’s not quite sure he understood the concept until Octavio came on the scene.

After tonight’s get-to-together, Elliott was beginning to wonder if that soft-spot was becoming something else, due to the tight knot that would form in his chest whenever he thought of him. He hadn’t even recognised the runner at first when he’d brought a large tray of drinks to the Legends’ table, but as soon as Octavio began to laugh at something Gibraltar had said, something clicked inside his mind. He’d recognise that laugh anywhere - full of joy and mischief that made you want to join in. If everyone else had gotten up and left the table that night, Elliott surely wouldn’t have noticed. Octavio had his full attention as he began to tell his own story about some stunt he’d done a few years ago. He was as animated as ever, moving around in his seat as if he was a one man play. Octavio talked with his hands a lot, his fingers adorned with chipped black nailpolish, though one was wrapped with a smiley face bandaid, it's expression matched by Elliott the entire time we watched. He wondered what trouble the speedster had gotten into to earn it but found himself drawn back to Octavio's face before he could make a guess. His hazel eyes seemed to sparkle the whole time he spoke. He clicked his tongue piercing against his chipped front tooth when he paused for too long and his freckled cheeks would rise with a crooked, warm smile when someone asked him a question about his tale, giving him cause to continue talking.

So, maybe he had a little crush on the guy. It’s not like it mattered. Octavio would never go for someone like him. Elliott lived an exciting enough life for some, but in comparison to Octavio he was painfully average as best. Octavio had a massive fanbase and toured the Outlands on his own accord like he was some sort of rockstar. Elliott spent the days he wasn’t in the arena hunched over his desk working on something holo-tech related or sweeping up peanut shells and unclogging toilets in the Paradise Lounge. He highly doubted that would be appealing to someone as highflying as Octavio. It was just a stupid crush. He’d get over it.

**********

It was a little after 5am when Elliott looked at the clock again. He must have fallen asleep for a little while but was now being disturbed by a persistent knocking on his front door. He groaned huskily as he dragged himself out of bed and towards the source of the sound, fully prepared to berate whoever was on the other side for thinking this was a reasonable time to pay him a visit. He was expecting to find Pathfinder or Wraith, both of which were known for their unusual sleep or charging schedules...or whatever it is Pathfinder does. He furrowed his eyebrows in preparation but they quickly rose in surprise when he found someone he truly wasn’t expecting to find standing in the hallway outside his apartment: Octavio Silva himself.

“Octane...Octavio?!” Elliott stammered, suddenly very aware of the fact that he was just in his briefs and an oversized t-shirt. “Wh-what are you doing here?” Octavio shot him a wicked smile, his hand coming to rest against the doorframe. “I came to see you.” “You...did?” the trickster questioned in disbelief, no longer concerned about how late it was for a visit. “Why?” “You think I didn’t notice?” Octavio began, dragging his tongue piercing across his lips in a way that made Elliott feel slightly light-headed. “N-notice what?” “The way you were looking at me across the table all night.” Elliott’s cheeks began to burn. Had he really been that obvious? “I’m sorry, I...shit,” he stumbled, his hands moving to tug at the hem of his shirt in an attempt to salvage some of the dignity he was quickly losing. “God, I...am such a mess right now. You prob-probably think I’m-” “Guapo.” “...Guapo?” Octavio laughed with a low rumble in his chest. “Si.” He stepped towards him, coming so close Elliott became sandwiched between the door and his smaller frame. “H-hey, listen,” Elliott began, the rest of his body beginning to feel warm now that Octavio had decided to share his heat with him. “I’m sorry about, uh...the t-table thing. I didn’t mean to be like...cr-creepy or whatever.” Octavio shook his head, giving him another one of those smiles. “Maybe I like it when you look at me,” he purred, pushing himself onto the toes of his metal feet so he could bring their faces closer together. “Maybe I want you to do it some more.” Elliott swallowed thickly, looking down at the smaller man who was looking at him through lowered lashes. “R-really? I…I...wa-...Oct-”

*******

~Beep beep beep beep~

“Mmph…’tavio…?” Elliott’s eyes flickered open, the side of his face feeling wet and sticky. He pushed himself onto one elbow, sleepily bringing a hand down onto his clock to shut off the alarm. He looked beneath him, finding a heavily drooled on pillow tucked against his chest. “Oh, fuck me,” he grumbled to himself, as he sat up and scrubbed at his cheek with the back of his hand. Had he seriously dreamt that whole thing? He sighed heavily and buried his hot face into his hands, thankful that he was alone right now so no one else would have to witness this humiliating moment; especially Octavio. He shook his head, sending his curls into a tousled mess in front of his eyes. This was just a stupid crush; though he was beginning to doubt that he’d be able to get over it.

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

No Surrender: Part 2

Part 1

Request: hey i love your writing!! i was wondering if you could write something where the ready and bucky are in the same hydra facility and try to escape together. idk maybe that’s bad but i love your writing!!

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Summary: In the winter of 1945 Hydra captures Sargent James Barnes. After months spent unconscious, he wakes up in a cell with you and a new addition on his left side. Quickly it becomes clear that being locked up together may be the best bout of luck either of you has had in a while… Maybe together the two of you have a chance of making it out of this hell alive. Now, 69 years later the two of you are brought back together, scars and all. War changes everyone it touches but maybe, together, you can both find some kind of peace. 

Warnings: Light angst, heavy emotions, that’s really it

A/N: Lol, one shot. I know better. This is prob going to be a 3 part with an epilogue. Why? Because this is A Few Marvelous Thoughts and that’s how things are done here. The stories are long and the writer is overly invested in ALL OF THEM.  And, honestly, I kind of liked doing something that brought the Howlers into the mix and some Peggy and... yeah. I’m just enjoying myself. I hope y’all enjoy it too!

Tags are open!

@mywinterwolf @disagreetoagree @breezy1415 @peachthatdrinkslemonade @wonderlandmind4@piensa-bonito @buckysstar @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @handplucked  @krugeforeveryone @jewelofwinter @get-loki @just-a-littlebit-of-everything

June 2014

You stare at your muted reflection in the airplane window tracing the scar on your cheek. It’s not quite as visible as it once was but you can feel it all the same.

Pulling your eyes away you check the screen on the back of the seat in front of you. One more hour until DC. It had been 69 years, what was one more hour… Still, you can’t keep your heeled foot from jiggling nervously.

Opening your iPad you look over the files Sharon sent you, thinking as you often do just how much easier this kind of tech would have made yours and Peg’s lives back in the day. 

You wish Stark was here to give him shit for not coming up with this sooner. Thinking of your old friends always brings a sad smile to your face. Absentmindedly you fiddle with the dog tags and wedding rings always hanging around your neck from a long chain.

Steve and someone named Wilson had brought him in. Physically he was fine, some minor injuries but nothing to cause concern. Mentally… severe memory loss, disorientation, disassociation, PTSD, on and on. Quickly you scroll past it all, you didn’t need to read about it to know that a lifetime with Hydra could leave a person fractured. At the end was what you wanted. A photo.

He looked much the same. Dark hair and those spectacular blue eyes but… he was changed, even in a photo, you could see that. Really though you were all changed. Not one of you left that war or any of the ones that followed without wounds that wouldn’t heal.

Tenderly your fingers touch the image on the screen. You’re lost in memories of a day so long ago that the flight attendant startles you when she approaches.

“Sorry, ma'am,” she smiles brightly, “would you like another gin and tonic before we land?”

“Yes, please. Thank you.” It wouldn’t do anything to calm your nerves of course, but you liked the taste.

The first sip reminds you you’ll also need to see Peg… it got harder every time. Silently you pray to anything that will listen for her to be lucid so you can tell her you found him, finally after all these years. Sharon said that seeing Steve helped her, he brought back the old Peg. Maybe you’d get lucky. Though… guilt roils in your gut.

You’d spent the last couple of years actively avoiding Steve Rogers. All you could think was that you could only give him a story of regret, one more may have been. He didn’t need that. Something in your heart reminds you though, you have more than that to give him. Stories of his old friends no one else could tell. How the Howlers never forgot him, how every toast until the very end held his name… and Bucky’s. What kind of legacy he really left with the people that mattered.

A tear winds its way down your cheek and you dash it away. You’d make up for it now. Tell them both the rest of their story. Maybe it would be a comfort.

When the wheels meet the tarmac your heart lodges in your throat. You rush off the plane to the nearest restroom to inspect yourself. In the floor length mirror, you smooth a hand over your breezy white blouse tucked into a pair of camel high waist trousers. The slim straight fit showed off your figure just enough. To anyone, you would look like a woman in her early 40’s maybe. A few grey hairs, soft lines on your face, but still young enough and certainly not 94.

You take a shaky breath, reapply your red lipstick, and stride confidently out of the airport, ready as you’ll ever be.

From the outside, it looks like a nondescript, if not a touch run down, office building. You know it’s an old S.H.I.E.L.D. office. They’re holding him here, assessing him, trying to figure out exactly what to do in a situation that bucks just about every bit of protocol there is in one way or another.

“Thank you,” you say to the agent in the front seat. 

Your accent had softened over the decades. This thought makes worry curl in your gut. The chances of him recognizing you are so slim. You were older, your voice was different… Hell, the report said he had trouble remembering Steve and they’d known one another their whole lives until the war. He’d only known you for a day…

“Are you ok?” The young man asks gently.

“Yes, sorry…” Your hand curls around the handle.

“Don’t know why they’re sending someone like you in with a monster like that. If you don’t wanna to go I’ll take you to your hotel or some-”

Your well-manicured hand wrapped around his throat cuts him off, “If that’s what you think that man is,” your voice a malicious purr, “I highly suggest you find a new line of work, boy.” You release him and go to open the door.

Turning back to him you catch his slack-jawed expression, “That man deserves your respect. Am I clear?”

“Y-Yes ma’am,” he stammers.

“Good,” you open the door and step out, strutting up to the building, adding just a touch of extra sway to your hips for good measure.

At the door, you push a button to activate the com, “Y/N Bernard, here for Sharon Carter.” There’s no response just a click.

As you enter the sparse lobby you hear the elevator ding, the doors swoosh, your body tenses on reflex. When a blonde with a bright smile exits though, you relax.

“Aunt Y/N!” Sharon calls, her tone full of excitement. She rushes you and you embrace your best friend’s favorite niece. “It’s so good to see you.”

“You too my darling,” you pull the girl back and look at her. So much like her mother but she inherited Peggy’s fire.

“Come on, let’s get started.” You follow her into the elevator.

As the doors close and the elevator moves down, you reach into your tote to pull out a small box, “I never forget, mon chaton.”

Sharon laughs, taking the box from you, “You didn’t have to.” She lifts one of the macarons out, taking a bite, savoring it.

“Bah,” you wave away her protest, “of course I did.” Every time you saw Sharon you brought her some. Her whole life.

She takes a deep shaky breath, closing the lid, “Thank you Aunt Y/N.” Tenderly you cup the side of her face with your left hand, she shakes her head, “I’m ok.”

“No, you’re not. Nor should you be,” you tuck a strand of hair behind her ear as the elevator settles. “I’m here for you, always, you know that?”

“I do.” The doors slide open and you follow your adopted niece out. Heart kicking up a notch.

Sharon leads you down a corridor to a conference room. A young man with a kind smile rounds the corner just before she opens the door.

“Hey, Sam,” Sharon nods at him.

“Hey,” he returns the nod. “You must be Mrs. Bernard. Sam Wilson, it’s good to meet you,” he extends a hand and you take it giving it a shake.

“It’s, miss,” you say smiling. “But you can call me, Y/N. Thank you for what you did.”

Sam shakes his head, “Just helping out a fellow soldier, no need for thanks.”

“You have it anyway,” you smile, liking this young man already.

Sharon opens the door and your eyes see, not initially Steve Rogers as you expect, but Tony Stark. Once he registers who you are his jaw hits the floor, eyes wide with shock.

“You look well Anthony,” a mischievous smile curls your lips, “certainly better than the last time I saw you.”

“How do you…?” Sharon, standing to your right, looks like she may not want to know the answer.

You laugh, “Oh no darling, nothing like that. I simply got Anthony here out of a pinch in where was it Morocco?”

“Monaco,” Tony says, smiling a smile that makes you think of his father.

“Ah, yes Monaco,” Sam rounds the table and takes a seat to Tony’s left. “You couldn’t have been 17. Pissed off the wrong person and landed in a cell.”

“And somehow you got me out. Though I was more scared of you than the cops after that verbal lashing.”

“That sounds like my Aunt Y/N,” Sharon says smiling.

Tony’s brows raise trying to work that one out, “But you never told my dad.”

“What point was there to tell, Howard? He would have just thrown some overblown fit. He loved to hear himself talk, especially when he was angry.”

Tony laughs, “You’re not wrong.”

“Sounds like you knew Howard well,” a voice from the back left corner of the room says causing you to jump a little. Steve Rogers is leaning there, arms crossed, face dark, watching you.

You swallow hard, “I did. I knew them all… very well.”

He saunters to the table, “So I saw,” slamming down a thick file before he takes a seat. You hold his gaze for a second. The emotion passing between the two of you beyond words.

“Ooook,” Tony breaks the silence and you turn to him a tense smile on your lips. “I’m assuming you’re some kind of super soldier too.”

You take a seat next to Sharon, across from Tony. “I wouldn’t say soldier but I am… enhanced. Much like Captain Rogers and Sargent Barnes. Only difference is I was never put on ice.”

“So you were born in…?” Sam is studying you with fascination.

“1920, I’m 94 years old,” he makes a whistling noise and you laugh.

The door opens and a slender brunette rushes in, “Sorry, had another fire to put out.” Agent Hill looks at you as you stand, “I’m-”

“Agent Hill,” you smile at her, “Nick spoke highly of you.” Your knowing gaze seems to convey that you’re all too aware that he’s fully alive. It would take a cataclysm to kill Nick Fury. Thank god for it.

“And you’re, Y/N Bernard,” her head shakes and an awkward smile curls her lips. “I never thought I’d have the honor.”

“The pleasure is mine, I assure you.”

She rounds the table and sits at the head opposite Steve, taking a deep breath. “Did you all start without me?”

“Nope,” Sharon slides a tablet to her.

“Good. We wanted to take a moment to brief you on the predicament we’re in, Ms. Bernard.”

“Y/N, please.”

“Y/N,” Hill smiles, “we think things are going to move quickly. The government wants to clean this mess up and do things under the radar as much as possible. That means we have to work fast to get our bearings and determine the best course of action.”

“Bearings regarding S.H.I.E.L.D. or Sargent Barnes?” You ask, tone even but suspect.

“Both,” Hill runs a hand over her face. “We’ve had Barnes for almost two weeks. So far they’re letting us hold him, mainly because no one else is equipped, but who knows how long that will last. Technically he’s considered a P.O.W. and Wilson is pulling any strings he can to sort that situation out. Get Barnes the care he deserves.”

You look to Sam, his eyes are on the wood of the table hands clasped in front of him. The Howlers would have liked this one. Out of habit you pull the necklace from your shirt and begin to fiddle with the contents.

“However, in the month since S.H.I.E.L.D. was exposed…” She clears her throat. You understand her pain, the thought that Hydra was so close… “Well, it’s become pretty apparent that there’s no rebuilding it.”

Sharon glances over to you. Slipping your hand into hers you give it a squeeze. Losing S.H.I.E.L.D. was like losing a part of yourselves.

“Stark has offered an alternative, kind of an official/unofficial organization,” Tony nods, “but that’s for another time. Right now we have to deal with the very real possibility of Barnes being put on trial.” Your blood runs cold, you release Sharon’s hand, worried you may accidentally break it.

“On trial for what exactly?” You spit.

Hill’s look is soft, sympathetic, “Anything they can pin on him.”

“That’s preposterous,” you try to take a deep breath to calm yourself.

“We agree,” Hill nods. “That’s why we’re trying to make sure we have anything we can to prove that whatever actions he partook in when he was with them was against his will.” 

Her jaw tenses, “Agent Carter has implied you may be able to help with that. There’s not a lot on file about you. You’re officially listed as retired, have been for over 40 years. I’ve heard stories of course but…”

“I’ll tell you anything you need to know. Put me on the stand if you must.”

“Aunt Y/N, that would-” Sharon’s eyes are filled with fear.

“Expose me? I know, mon chaton, I know,” your smile is tender. “It doesn’t matter. For him, I would do anything.”

Hill goes to speak but Steve cuts her off, his voice low, heavy with emotion, “Why?”

You drag your eyes to the brooding Captain, “Because, Captain Rogers, 69 years ago Bucky Barnes saved my life.” Your voice cracks despite your efforts, “And he’s here today because of that.” Sharon’s hand rests on your knee, trying to provide comfort. She doesn’t know that some hurts are too deep for comfort.

“Thank you, Y/N,” Hill’s voice is soft. “If it comes to that we will talk strategy. How about we break for now. I need,” she rubs the bridge of her nose, “something.”

Everyone stands to leave. You direct Sharon to look after Agent Hill and go to follow them all out when Steve grabs your arm.

“I think we need to talk,” his blue eyes are stormy.

“I agree,” you look into the conference room.

“No, follow me,” he walks to the elevators without once looking back.

It’s possible that it’s the most awkward elevator ride of your long life. When the doors open he walks to the end of the hall, a door opening to a steep flight of stairs.

“Will those be a problem,” he glances down to your breakneck stilettos.

You raise an eyebrow at him, “You’d be surprised what I can do in heels, Captain Rogers.” He holds the door and you sprint up them, never teetering and not the least bit winded, smirking a bit at him as he comes up behind you.

Inwardly you thank god that he wanted to talk outside, you want a cigarette, desperately. Reaching into your bag you pull the pack and flick one up skillfully, pulling it out with red lips. He’s watching and you smile with the unlit cigarette between your lips.

“Want one?” You hold the pack out. He shrugs and takes one. You’re about to pull out your matches when he flicks up a zippo.  

“Light?” You nod and he lights yours before his own. A smile plays on your lips as you try to think of the last time a man lit your cigarette.

He walks to the edge of the roof and sits on the low wall facing you. Taking a drag he finally speaks, “I never smoked before… this,” he gestures to his body. “So I never really knew what the appeal was but the motion is-”

“Soothing,” you finish sitting next to him. “I miss what nicotine used to do to me. Can’t tell you how often I have wished I could get drunk still. Never thought I’d miss a good hangover.”

He laughs a little, “Yeah.” The two of you sit in silence for a few minutes, lost in your own thoughts.

“What did you mean?” Rogers is staring off into the distance.

“Sorry?” You’re unsure what he wants you to clarify.

“When you said he’s here because he saved you… what did you mean?”

Your heart squeezes. Memories of that place, the sound of the soldiers coming, the bunker shaking, the look on his face as he shoved you into that crawl space… So long ago but it may as well have been yesterday.

Taking a deep breath you dive in, “Hydra captured me in January 1945…”

The two of you burn through two more cigarettes each as tell him your story. You keep the part about promises of dances and that kiss to yourself. Though your hand lingers near your lips as you remember.

“I crawled through that tunnel for what must have been a mile,” you take a drag. “When I finally got out I ran for two days until I came across a British camp. They thought I was Hydra with the uniform and all. I kept telling them, ‘My name is Y/N Bernard, I am French Resistance Lyon. I have a message for Captain America.’ But they wouldn’t-”

“Wait,” he holds up a hand, “what was the message.”

Oh. You had told him Bucky said find Steve and the Howlers but the message… You hold Steve’s gaze, “I was to tell you that it wasn’t the end of the line.” Somehow you had maintained composure through the whole thing but now tears spill from your eyes.

Rogers looks away, sniffing hard, wiping at his own eyes. His elbows rest on his knees and he laughs a bit, shaking his head, “It really was him then.”

“Oui,” you sit straighter trying to get a hold of yourself. “Of course they didn’t believe me. Threw me in shackles and transported me to London.” Steve’s eyes burn into you but you can’t look at him.

“Once there they locked me in an interrogation room for hours until they found, Peg,” your voice almost breaks but you push through it. “Since… since I was a woman and it had to do with you they thought she was best. I told her everything. Begged, cried, pleaded her to bring me to you, I had a message we didn’t have time…” Your hands are trembling with emotion, “Finally I just told her the message, just to pass it along. Lock me in a cell, whatever she had to do just to tell you.”

Finally, you can look at him, “That’s when she told me you had died. But she believed me, apparently, you had shared that pledge you and Bucky had with her.” 

He nods and you press on, “She took me to the Howlers immediately. Said we had a mission. At first, they didn’t believe some broad but Dugan,” you have to take a breath, “he said that if there was even a chance we had to take it.”

“Sounds like him,” Steve smiles sadly.

“It does, yes,” your hand toys with the tags, “We left the next day.” You shake your head, the lump in your throat growing, “We weren’t fast enough… I knew we wouldn’t be,” tears stream down your face now. 

“I failed him. He saved me and I didn’t make it back in time,” a sob tears out before you can stop it. You hadn’t ever told this story not the full thing… it felt like a special kind of hell.

Steve lays a hand on your back. You look to him, “We didn’t stop looking though. Every base, every agent, we tried to find something, anything, that would lead us to him. But… we never found him…”

“You were a Howler,” his tone is filled with respect.

You nod, “I was. Proud to be too.” You squeeze his knee, “They never forgot you, either of you.”

Tears sparkle in Steve’s eyes, “Did you know… when I… when I woke up?”

Shame rolls over you but you don’t look away, “I knew the day they found you, Fury called me…”

“Then why… I mean I know we didn’t know each other but… I,” he wipes his eyes and stands to take a few paces. “It would have been good to have someone who knew… what… what it’s like to…”

“Be so out of place?” He nods. “I know,” you look at the ground, tears streaming, “I’m so sorry.” You hold in a sob and try to compose yourself before looking up at him.

“All I could think was that I failed you both, that all I could give you were empty apologies.” He opens his mouth but you hold up a hand, “I know that’s not right… and I’m sorry. It’s a shit excuse, but it is the truth. I’d like to make it up to you if I can.”

Steve shakes his head, “You don’t have to make anything up. I understand.” A smile fills his face, “I’m just happy we have another Howler back where she belongs.”

Something between a laugh and a sob breaks from you and he holds out a hand. When you take it Steve pulls you into a bone-crushing hug. The two of you hold one another and have a good cry for a bit.

“Come on,” he pulls back, “let’s head in.”

You follow him back inside and he leads you to a different section than where the conference room from earlier was. Two guards, heavily armed, eye you as you pass through sliding bulletproof doors.

He pauses in front of a nondescript door and turns to you thumb nervously tapping on the handle. “This is just the monitor room but… do you want to see him?”

Your fingers freeze on the dog tags you’d been fiddling with and stare at him suddenly unable to speak. The obvious answer was yes but… what if it was bad… what if he’s feral or catatonic or- It doesn’t matter.

“Yes,” the word finally crawls from your mouth. Steve smiles opening the door, holding it to allow you entry.

Sam’s already there and gives you a warm smile, “I’ll leave you two.” He gives Steve’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze as he walks out.

There’s a man wearing simple scrubs sitting on a cot with his back pressed to the wall, head leaned back, a knee pulled up with his metal left arm resting on it. Music is playing from speakers you can’t see, he softly sings along smiling gently.

Your jaw hangs open. This isn’t the ghost you were anticipating. This is Bucky.

“He’s had a good day,” Steve’s voice reaches you but you can’t look away.

Composure leaves you. Doubling over as if you’ve been hit you weep, a huge smile on your face. Pressing the dog tags and rings to your lips you eke out, “He’s ok, Dummy. He’s safe. It’s over, Dummy.”

Steve doesn’t say anything for a minute then you feel his hand on your back, “It’s a lot I know. Here,” he gently lifts you and guides you to a desk chair passing you a box of tissues.

“Thank you,” you wipe at the mascara streaming down your face.

“I’m sorry but… did you say dummy a second ago?” He takes the seat next to you.

You smile, “I did.”

“As in, Dum Dum Dugan.”

Nodding you hold up the necklace, “My husband.”

“That has to be one of the first stories you regale me with,” Steve laughs.

“Deal,” your eyes wander back to one of the screens, fingers hovering over the image of Bucky. You can’t help but think of another cot in another cell. Snapping your eyes shut you remind yourself that this isn’t Hydra… well not anymore.

There’s a knock at the door, “Come in,” Steve replies. Sam and a woman you haven’t met enter. You stand wiping at your eyes a bit more, certain it’s all beyond saving anyway.

Steve introduces you, “Y/N, this is Dr. Laura Carr. She’s the psychologist taking point with Bucky, former S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Dr. Carr takes your hand, “It’s a pleasure.”

“Thank you for being willing to help him, Doctor,” you give her a warm smile.

“No thanks needed. It’s the right thing to do.” She laughs a little, “And I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was more than a little fascinated by the case.”

You like her honesty, “I think that’s a good thing. Curiosity drives us to think outside set parameters,” Sharon comes in as you speak, “and I believe you’re going to need that in this case.” Dr. Carr nods.

Steve looks back at the screen then to you, “Dr. Carr,” he throws her a smile, “do you think Y/N, here could see Bucky today?” Your breath catches and you swear you can hardly feel your heartbeat.

The doctor eyes you, “Sharon told me you two have a history, though she was pretty vague with the details.”

“My apologies, doctor,” you smile softly at Sharon, “the life I’ve led has made vague the default. Being with S.H.I.E.L.D. I’m sure you understand.”

She nods, “I do. It always made things more complicated when your patients couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell you everything.” She takes a moment and looks to Steve, “You’re his medical power of attorney, if you trust her I would say that today would be fine. Though I will want to monitor the exchange.”

“I trust her,” some tension slides from you at Steve’s words, “I’m ok with you watching. Y/N?”

“Of course,” you nod. “But… there’s something I need to get first.” Confusion settles on the faces around you, “Just a promise I made a long time ago that I’d like to keep. Could I use your car, Sharon?”

“I can drive you,” she walks to your side.

“Fantastic!” You smile up at Steve, “I’ll be back in an hour.”

-

“Bread?” Sharon eyes the large french loaf you’re cradling as you get back in the car.

“Oui.”

“Not what I was expecting but… ok.”

“What were you expecting, mon chaton?”

She laughs, “I don’t know. Whiskey, brandy, lingerie.”

You laugh fully, it feels good after the weight of the day thus far, “I don’t usually prefer an audience when lingerie is involved, kitten.”

“Please, stop there,” Sharon’s face scrunches in mock disgust.

As she parks the tone shifts, “Will you be ok, Aunt Y/N… seeing him?” She takes your hand giving it a squeeze, “It’s ok if you want to-”

“My sweet girl,” you squeeze back, “I have not been this ok in a long, long time.” Sharon smiles and nods.

Back in the monitor room everyone looks just as confused when you enter with the bread. Steve is already in the room the two talking casually about something.

“You can go in whenever you’re ready, Y/N,” Dr. Carr tells you. “I thought it best to have Steve go in as a sort of warm up. Keep in mind he’s suffering from severe memory loss, he may not know you so don’t be put off by that.”

“I’ve grown strangely used to my friends not knowing me,” sadness flits across Sharon’s features, “doesn’t make me any less happy to see them.” The doctor nods and Sharon leads you down the hall.

The door is heavy, reinforced steel. She enters a code and does a retina scan before the locks give way. You had expected this to lead to the room but there’s just a hall. You go through two more less enforced doors before stopping at one that looks normal.

“You ready?” She asks you. Your grip on the bread tightens a little. The perfect crackle of the crust hits your ears and you know.

“Absolutely.”

“Well, it’s all yours,” she steps behind you, “just let me get past the last door then knock.”

As the door behind you closes you raise your fist, take a deep breath, and rap on the door. The metal tings and you realize that the normalcy is a bit of a front. A moment later Steve opens the door a nervous smile on his lips. He eyes the bread but doesn’t say anything.

“Buck, there’s someone who wants to see you if that’s ok?”

“Sure?” His voice hits you like a freight train. Steve leads you into the room, “Don’t know who would want-” His words halt when he sees you.

You press down the hope that rises in your chest. He doesn’t know you, the chances are too slim. He’s surprised is all, a new person, one he can’t remember wants to see him and he doesn’t know why. You tell yourself you’ve seen this before in Peg, Dernier, and Juniper. This is the same. Don’t get excited.

“Hello, Sargent Barnes,” your voice is soft, heart thundering in your chest. He stands slowly, those eyes you remember so well, studying you. You try to swallow the lump in your throat.

“I know this may be confusing. And that you likely don’t know who I am… That’s ok. I just… wanted to see that you were well and… bring you this.” Tentatively you hold the bread out to him. He takes the wrapped loaf and opens it.

You swear a smile is playing on his lips, “Bread?”

“Oui. I-I know it seems silly-”

“Did you fly all the way from Lyon to bring it to me?” The breath leaves you. Hot tears stream down your face instantly. 

He smiles, that bright true smile and sets the bread down on the edge of his cot, “I’m glad you’re ok, Y/N.”

“Bucky,” your voice is thick with emotion. Without thought you fling yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck. His arms encircle you holding you tight. When you feel a tremor pass through him you realize he’s crying too.

“I’m so sorry,” you say over and over again.

“Hush,” he whispers, pulling back he looks at you. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I do though. I wasn’t fast enough I-”

“Stop,” his right-hand cups your face. The silence hangs for a moment while you try to find your bearings.

“I don’t know how or why, but you were always one of the first things I’d remember when my memories would come back. Before they…” His whole body shakes and you know exactly what he means. “You gave me hope. Reminded me that there was no surrender,” his lips twitch up into a crooked smile and your heart clenches.

“It’s not from Lyon,” you give him a grin. “But it is French, thought you had waited long enough for some decent bread.”

He laughs, “Well, it’ll do. For now.”

Oh yeah, there’s more to come.

[the-hero-of-queens-blog]

guys I have such a great Battle of The Bands!AU for Voltron/Klance and I’m working on this alongside my criminal minds/Voltron Crimues Unit!AU so here are some hc from it 

* So in most Klance!AU fics/AUs it’s Keith who’s the last to guy of is reluctant but what if Lance was the last one * Okay, so here’s some background info before we get into The Story

* Everyone’s Role    * Pidge        * She’s crazy on the keyboard and she has some crazy upgrades to their tech    * Hunk        * Hunk is an amazing second guitarist and an amazing groupie for the rest of the band        * He loves to go alongside the base and keep the foundation of the song steady        * He’s not int crazy solos and stuff, unlike someone    * Allura        * This girl is the singer of the band, she could play instruments but decided her favorite was her voice and her words        * She writes the bands songs as well does crazy covers        * She also helps manage the band with Coran        * She used to be a duo with her brother before he decided he wasn’t going to play for people anymore, hence why she created the band at her school        * She missed the music and the connection, mainly the connection with her brother, who is so distant and different than before    * Coran        * He is the manager of the band        * He is in charge of getting them gigs and gets them into BOTB and is just amazing        * He is also like their weird uncle but when lance joins, he is like SON?    * Shiro        * The unofficial co-leader with allure to the band        * He plays the bass and is the actual foundation and leader of the group        * She’s been in love with Allura since day one but he think she looks at him like a friend but girl has been planning their wedding since the second band practice together        * Keith’s older brother and best friend    * Keith!!        * Keith is the drummer of the group        * He loves to go crazy on them        * He considers it the best therapy        * He takes the band vey seriously and doesn’t understand the really pretty boy that joins the team and is so cocky but also quiet??        * Lance confuses him a lot and it makes him very frustrated    * Lance        * Lance plays the lead guitar        * Unlike hunk, he loves solos and crazy tricks and stuff        * Lance has a hard time expressing his feelings beyond his happy semi-cocky personality        * But with the guitar he can be open and express his happiness and pain and anger        * he used to love to perform, but seemingly suddenly, decides against doing it ever again until circumstances * Lance and Keith both went to Garrison College before Keith transferred a year before the story starts    * He just didn’t like it and he’s brother was going to another school so Keith decided to switch * While at the garrison, both Keith and lance had a feud over the “best” rehearsal room and would always fight to get it * when Keith leaves, even though they faded, Lance feels sad bc that was the only person he really interacted * He really struggled at the garrison and didn’t have any friends beside his feud * Randomly, in the middle of the year a (the year after Keith leaves) Lance suddenly drops out without a word * The next school year, Lance’s sister, Allure (you prob figured it out already lol) pulled some strings so that her brother could join her at Altea University * Still, he refuses to go to Allura’s band practices or gigs and won’t play with her * He still had no friends and is even more closed off and guarded than before * Until one day, he was using one of the rehearsal rooms at Altea and is found by Pidge, Shiro, and Hunk * They pretty much beg him to join their band and he refuses * They then ask him to at least come to their practice the next night * He reluctantly agrees, because friends? He doesn’t really know * He does know that he misses the music and connection as much as Allure does * At this point, no one knows Allura has a brother bc it’s a touchy subject bc of everything between them * So when he shows up at HER practice she is like OMG HE CAME!!! IM GETTING THROUGH * And then Shiro is like oh you came awesome * And Alluras like what? * And they’re like this is the guy we told you about * And she’s like are u kidding I’ve been asking you for months to come and three random dude ask once and you actually come!!! * And he’s like uh yeah? * And she is like god I would have done that months ago then * So then he sees Keith and he’s #triggered * And he like oh my god it’s the mullet! * And Keith is like, do I know you???and lance gets all pissed bc seriously the only person he considered a friend?? Person?? In his life at garrison doesn’t even remember him?? * Anyway he ends up getting super into the band and at the last second decides to join in and plays * And THEN Keith remembers bc god this kid is amazing and he knows it oh my * by the end of practice, lance decides to join and everyone is so excited (Even Keith who wont admit it) * And after that, the team latches on to lance and he’s so confused bc yeah he’s pretty good on his guitar but why are they interested in him? * Anyway time goes in and it’s time for their first kid with Lance and he is freaking out * Like having a panic attack and is like “OMG OMG OMG I CANT DO IT OCANT “ and no one knows where he is and Keith gets pissed * So he goes and find lance * Except lance is sitting with his knees to his chest in a janitor closet that Keith happened to walk past and he’s hyperventilating and crying so hard and Keith is like oh fuck * And lance is only half aware but he expects Keith to lash out at him * But Keith is so gentle and tender and helps him through it * And after he calms down, he talks to him about things and convinces him to join them * And the concert is amazing!!! He has so much fun and him and Keith play off each other with solos and the whole band is like omg what is happening * And after the concert, lance and Keith are friends?? * No more like best friends * They are always together and they’re not hostile anymore, all bickering is playful and allure can see her brother being flirty!! * And she just so happy and she’s finally having that Connection again and she’s so happy * They have more gigs and things are going great, they find out they qualified for the battle of the bands and their all so happy and excited * Everything seems to be going perfectly * But off something had to happen * Something in lances life couldn’t stay good * So after a concert, they decided to stay a bit bc the bar is chill with it * So they’re all hanging out and having a great time * Lance has to pee and goes to the bathroom and things are good until he leaves the bathroom and sees the last person he wants to see EVER * Motor is standing there, the biggest, coldest smirk on his face and lance can feel all the tan color in his cheeks flee * And lotor is a complete asshole * Saying how his own band, the empire, from Galra university is in the battle of the bands and Voltron doesn’t stand a chance * And to make it worse, he just verbally/mentally/emotionally degrades lance to the point where he becomes hysterical and sobbing and gasping for breath and shaking * And lotor says how he ruins voltron and no one needs him and he ruins everything and this isn; the first time *  Lance comes back to the group like this and everyone is like WTF WHAT HAPPENED WTF and he’s literally pulling them begging to leave and they’re like okay okay just give us a second and then Allura sees him * She sees Lotor walking away from where lance came from and she freaks out * Shiro has to physically hold her back and she is screaming and Lotor just laughs and pays them no mind because he has already caused the rift, planted the seed * This only makes Lance more upset and he just grabs Keith in a death grip and is like please please please I want to go home please I just need to go home * So Keith is like oh my god okay and just takes lance back to his and Alluras house bc he didn’t drink (neither did lance) * And he stays until lance is changed and in bed and he thinks that he should leave so lance isn’t uncomfortable but lance asks him to stay and he gets into bed with Lance bc he can’t say no to him he loves him * And yea he’s known it but he hasn’t said anything and he can’t * He couldn’t do anything to hurt this beautiful amazing boy * Little does he know that lance has been falling since he helped him in that janitor closet and he wishes that someone like Keith loved him * And Keith just holds him, their face to face and Keith is rubbing his back so softly and lance wants to kiss him so bad * But he can’t * Not without him knowing the entire story of what happened last year and how he even knows Lotor * And Keith just listens and waits for lance to finish and the whole time she is holding him so softly but firm all the same and it feeling grounds lance and helps him get through it * And when he’s done Keith wants to kill motor bc how could anyone do that to Lance?? * and Keith gives this whole speech without thinking * About how amazing lance is and exactly why and how lance deserves so much better and all the loving shit * And lance is just amazed bc no one has said that to him * And now here is Keith saying it!!! * And is just realizes that he has to kiss Keith * He has to bc he has done so much for him and he just loves him so much that thanks isn’t enough to convey how much he is thankful and loves Keith * So, with they’re laying in his bed, with Keith rubbing circles on his back and looking at him like he was the sun and the moon, he kisses Keith  

I know there is a ton here and there is a ton that isn’t said so look at for the fic later! Gave out so much more than I tought but I am happy. I love this AU so much! 

[janzz]

day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL)  (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets.  i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful.  however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong.  i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods.  the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc).  i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me.  like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life.  its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark.  it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life.  anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces  your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit).  i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further.  whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends.  dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal.  im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference.  if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.  

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price.  i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong.  whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics).  i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff.  my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model.  when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag.  I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob.  Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies.  another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck.  before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month.  ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6.  when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k.  there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik).  anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not.  im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time.  me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels.  we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4.  we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together.  additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k.  i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump.  and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful.  anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to.  i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.  

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase.  i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert.  he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking.  i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next.  but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash.  i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality.  it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad).  i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.  

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive.  what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs.  me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome.  what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much.  what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup).  i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.  

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy.  these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner.  at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k.  tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company.  i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k.  and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years.  i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less).  that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status.  something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me.  i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend.  its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis.  his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices.  privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it.  as i make more money i also care more and more to give back.  if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts.  i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me.  im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to.  them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me.  the second is them fronting the bill for my university education.  the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.  

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way. 

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)

[iimmcrtalis-archive]

Biography:

     He was born with a weight on his shoulders, his fathers expectations and the eyes of everyone around. He carried the weight for years and felt the lashes when he took a breath from it all. There was no freedom to be in his home.

    His father's words would cut deep, his touch hurt worse. Cracks of leather and crying were the soundtrack of his early years. But he was always the one to take the hits. Always the one to stop the hand from reaching his mother. Took it instead. Broken bones meant nothing in comparison to imagining a broken mother.

   His mother called him her little star. Her sky gem. And when his sister was born she became the moon. Little Ori. He'd die for that girl. Still would. Die, live, kill for her. Just to keep her going.

   It was peaceful for a little awhile. But when her eyes became like his, Golden & Green.  The rage burned towards his mother. But he was older now, fought more. He tolerated no bullying and worked as much as he could to earn money. Just to get his mother & sister away.

   And they did. Dead of night. They  packed up and left his father penniless and in the dust of Cairo. Of course, life wasn't easy. They didn't fit in exactly.  They moved more times than he could keep track of. Finally settling in a small town outside of San Diego. A nowhere town with a man that loved his mother. She was happy, so was Ori.  It was a weird little town, welcoming though.

  Its here where he met Revas, growing up sort of along side her. Going to temple together on Friday's. She & her grandmother tended to come over for holidays. Of course, time would send him on a different path away from her. He was good with his hands and liked making things. Went into smithing, making weapons for movies and the like. No College. No going too far. Always close by to watch over his sister.

Stats:

Name: Faron Nejem Nicknames: Star. Fletcher. Titles: n/a Age: 29 Birthday: April 21st Gender:  Male Sexuality: Pansexual & romantic Other:  Half-fae., unknown to him. Birthplace:  Cairo. Residence: California

Relatives:

   Lunora Whittaker – Mother [ Alive (verse dependent) ]

   Ori Whittaker – Sister [ Alive ] - 19

   Lenan Nejem – Father [ Unknown ] 

   Robert Whittaker – Step-father [ Alive ]

   Desmond Avani – Son [ Alive ] - 9

   Landra Avani – Ex-Wife [ Alive ]            - Matthias Avani - Landra’s Husand [ Alive ]

   Orion Nejem - Son [ alive ] - 4 (exists a bit later!)

Height: 6'4" Weight: 170lbs Character’s body build:  muscular, lean. Eye Color:  Left is golden brown, right is jade green. Hair Color: Dark brown/black. Type of hair:  thick & soft Hairstyle:  Shaved sides, top is long & usually pulled back into a braid. Complexion and skin tone: Freckled & light brown Scars: Multiple facial scars. Mannerisms:  Talks with his hands. Large smile, always showing his teeth. Usual Body Posture:  Loose, open. Relaxed almost always.

Tattoos:

Blackwork sleeves. Geometric styled

Hebrew for Justice on his left wrist. Arabic for Hope on the right.

Eye of Horus tattoo under his left eye.

Falcon tattooed on his back. Styled after old depictions of Horus.

Class/race: Archer. Half-fae. Abilities: 

    Sharpshooting

    Archery. 

    Minor magic.

VERSES:

Teen: Takes place between the age of 14 to 16. Standard highschool au. After he moved to the states.

Young & Dumb: 16 – 22. Sort of when everything started to kick off for him.

Future: 45+ He's a better father now. Still an asshole but ya know.

Inquisition Companion: Faron Lavellan. Grew up in the Lavellan clan. Doesn't particularly care for it. Joins up w/ the Inquisition (possibly) to be a companion or just another blacksmith. Former Craftsmaster can make ya a hella good armor piece boo.

DC: He ain't much of the hero type. More of the vigilante, antihero type. Sticks up for the weak as himself, not afraid to murder a motherfucker when he's running around with a hood up. Though he's still gonna tell you he's the better looking archer hero or whatever.

Fallout: Primarily between Fallout 3, NV & 4.       Standard: Desperate for caps. Fucked up on drugs. Turned to the Gunners. Made a good friend, and turned Merc. (plot twist he's a ghoul probably. Or a synth, who the fuck knows. )

Overwatch: How many snipers do you need? A bunch. Just a lot. A lot. Everyone's a fuckin sniper. I'm joking, but not really. Cybernetic eyes & legs make him a top shooter. Formerly from the Egyptian Armed Forces, he left and started doing his own work. Started trying to protect his people. Then just people. Not gonna lie, he probs looks up to Fareeha both literally and mentally. Not a defense type though, mind you. Dude's straight up DPS. Though all this can change bc im sort of comin up w/ it on the spot so finger gu ns

Mass Effect Trilogy: Human or Quarian. Who knows. Not a biotic. Definitely an engineer/infiltrator. He's a good shot as always.

Mass Effect: Andromeda: Human. Dad. Sharpshooter tech. He's really good with repairs, ships, and weapons. Like. Real good. He's also still a kind soul stuck on a shitty planet (Kadara) with Revas. Tends to butt heads with some people.

Elder Scrolls: While he's not religious like Revas, he'll still help her kill prey and eat. He considers himself her personal bodyguard, considering she's important to people. Not that she needs protection but, still.

Other's may come out eventually. Keep an eye out for specific posts per au.

[team-adults-blog]

4.03 The Four Horsemen

A Reaction: Apologizing for the map upfront. Not as funny or with as good of an analysis aspect as 4.02, but my reactions to kabby will always be prime. 

NYKOOOOOO I love him so much. Dang they 40+ on the way.

Lol Abby is either the only sensible one or overly dramatic because she’s the only one who covers her face before approaching.

All the animals are dyinggggg noooooooooo

Hold up. When did Octavia get a kick-ass sholder tat? This is definitely a major step in her assimilation into grounder culture. It’s more than just Indra accepting her now- maybe it’s only trikru at the moment and she gets the tattoo from them, but it’s still a big step from last season when she’s still getting hate from them. Sure she’s always going to get hate for being an outsider, but probs more from killing everybody now. Kudos. It’s rad.

Indra “I’m so proud” Roan one death to save thousands, it’s good politics. Indra has the warrior daughter she’s always wanted, but has it gone too far?

Dr. Squad all with crossed arms. What a posse. So happy for Sachin. His promotion shots on instagram made me even happier. 

These like 6 people are all that’s left of Luna’s people… So fish are not friends. Or food.

Yo check out this groovy map of the mid-Atlantic. Here’s the fun part where I waste way too much time trying to pinpoint where these places are using google maps. 

[Skip if you don’t have time right now or are just rude]

Polis=Baltimore/ Dc, looks a little above DC based on the Bay. It makes sense for Polis not be in DC because Trikru is. Tondc/ Ton DC was like “Washington DC” on a road sign and Lincoln got his name from the Lincoln memorial, which we get a glimpse of in S1.

Mount Weather= Looks to be around Luray area- which is really interesting to me because the cave/ tunnels would check out. A caving plug: Luray and Grand Caverns have really great features, but they’re dead. Railings and steps and lights have been put in everywhere to make it more accessible for folks, but more importantly to bring in a ton of money. To see Living caves in the valley, my brother is a cool dude who takes his students- and more importantly me- to see neat things without harming the cave like some punk ass bitch yanking stalactites off the ceiling.  

Arkadia= Looks to be around Culpeper… but if it was slightly more south (because the map Raven has is shit, but I’ll get to that) I could argue it’s between Charlottesville (!!!) and Culpeper, although more towards Culpeper. Like Orange/Madison counties. Literally no one cares about this but me because that is my homeland. Also TJ, Monroe (the president, not the dead character from this show that I should get back to…), and J Maddy-Mads. Zach-attack (this also works because he was a major general, not just for the rhyme) Is actually the closest to Arkadia- his house is in barboursville which puts him 25 min closer to Culpeper than TJ and Monroe. GW is up by Ton DC. Wilson is southwest of Arkadia. I don’t know/care enough about where Tyler and William Henry Harrison were from and I’m not going to look it up. This history/ geography lesson was brought to you by the Mother of Presidents, and viewers like you. Thank you.

Luna’s Rig= Somewhere off of DE/NJ coast. They might go back there, but otherwise I honestly don’t care where exactly the rig is. Like. Nyko just said that 40 people died on their way to Arkadia and Luna’s like this is all that’s left of my people. Soooooo… sorrynotsorry

Becca’s Island- I struggled figuring out what that said. I’m leaning towards it being a fictional island because the only thing I can think of it being is Sandy Hook. However, there seems to be land in the bay, soooo Sandy Hook would be part of the continental land mass instead of an island. If the picture wasn’t so wonky the only argument would be for Sandy Hook. I believe it’s only listed here because it will become plot relevant later this season when the tech team decided they need to access Becca/ A.L.I.E.’s drone or something to monitor radiation.

Note: The coastlines don’t match up perfectly. At first I was excited they’d taken rising sea levels with climate change into account, but that should make the bay larger and thus the gap between eastern Maryland/ Delaware and DC larger. So some of the Virginia coast looks good, but the east coast is on a passive margin (I took Geology guys can you tell), which means that it’s not colliding into another plate and thus being squished in on itself or mountain building (this is happening in the middle of the Atlantic) like on the U.S. west coast. But at the end of the day, I don’t think they really considered this when creating that map because 1) some areas are larger than they are now (like Long Island is now a peninsula instead of an island), indicating receding seas while 2) some coasts are cut off indicating rising sea levels. Basically. They would have been fine using a regular map from the internet. Not sure why they decided to render this shitty one or what purpose making their own serves. Maybe they don’t have rights to steal from the internet…?

You, the reader are now thinking, “who the fuck cares? That map was visible for under 30 seconds. all we were supposed to recognize is that it’s the VA/DC/MD area. Let’s move this train along I want to hear about things that actually matter.” And to this I say, you are not wrong. Let’s go. This 15 sec clip took me an hour to analyze and I’m not proud.

[Resume reading non-geography post here if you skipped. There were some jokes in there... not good ones]

Bellamy’s face at “choosing who lives or dies is your specialty” Ouch. Clarke can’t get a break. First Jasper, now Raven. Good thing he’s always on her side.

Someone’s taking the rover. My gut thought: is it fucking Jaha? Oh wait. Jasper’s problematic too and would pull that. Nope. Fucking Jaha. Your gut is always right. 

Naturally, radical Jaha who went off to find the city of light is not encouraging a trip to go find a doomsday bunker by a religious fanatic. Raven is the skeptic voice of ME. Like hey guys, remember when he did this last time? If it’s not real Clarkiepoo gonna make that list. I like

DOOMSDAY CULT MAN SAYS “there is a way out of the darkness. I can show it to you. You can be saved. Join me…” okokokokokok. Abby stays behind in Arkadia to show them the way out of the darkness. Then she is forced to take the chip and gets the rest of the camp to join her in the CoL. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

DAD AND NATE ON GUARD DUTY TOGETHER. MY HEART. DAD MILLER IS GREAT. I like Miller Sr.

Raven x Abby

Alright. Time to defend mom. Raven’s position of wanting to save the pills- because it’s too late for them to work on Luna’s people- is understandable. Abby’s desire to save people is also understandable. I happen to love Raven x Abby scenes because they’re both so stubborn and both usually have equally strong, but different arguments. Dr. Abby probs should not have told her eldest daughter she’s killing this child. Howeverrrrr my mother, Abby, and even I, with my son VPJB, understand the power guilt has over your children. My son tried to attack a shadow for 45min today so I’m still choosing my battles. Back to the show- the emotion they bring as actors is fantastic. I’d like to pull their history out of the back of your head. Abby and Raven meet because they both have someone who went down in the dropship they desperately want to see. They bond. They trust each other and sass each other and Abby tells Raven to go down without her. Raven tells Clarke how great her mom is at a time when Clarke thinks floating Jake is still 100% her mom’s fault. Raven gets shot, Abby frickin saves her life and she only has one lame leg instead of being paralyzed from the waist down. Kudos Dr. Abby. BUT. Raven hurts, and chronic pain is rough on people, so you’ll lash out. Raven calls Abby out for being a crappy chancellor and doctor. Abby hits her. She’s instantly sorry she lost her temper and they’re distant but not terrible. Despite some heated moments, they’re fam. Abby adopts everyone she sees, and Raven, with only Finn in S1 becomes family. Then Finn dies. Then her mentor Sinclair (who I really really really really really liked and wish got more developing prior to THAT episode [sidenote: I hate when secondary/ tertiary characters get developed just so they the audience feels some emotional investment that turns into pain. Especially within the same episode. Except they’re only there for that one episode to drive another character’s development as in the dying child (Adrian) Luna brought.], so now Abby and her friends are all she has. There’s love there, which doesn’t make talking to each other ok, but I’m confident they’ll forgive each other.  It hurts more because of the love.

Murphy steals medicine to help a sick kid. Important because his father got floated for stealing him medicine when he was a sick child, and the medicine ended up not working. Abby knows better than to ask where he got it. She’s broken the law to save people before. Yay Jackson being sweet with this child. I frickin love Nyko too. He’s one cool dude.

Octavia x Indra x Gaia

Mom saves her daughter. Octavia is like oh nooo here let me help you up, my b. Another mother daughter conflict. But this time really related. Indra: My daughter was meant to lead armies. My daughter was meant to lead our people. Me and Gaia: looks like you got that after all. This scene was great. A parent who cannot understand their child. So common and yet this is the best portrayal of that I’ve seen, mainly because it wasn’t “But basketball’s your dream!” “No, Dad. basketball is your dream, not mine!” Octavia comes up with a plan to save the flame and Indra’s daughter. Loyal to Indra over Roan. I love that. Ilian’s sledgehammer was entirely too dramatic. Should have spent the money used on that effect for Raven’s map. I’ve got a bone to pick with Kirk Douglas or Michael Cliett- whomever was in charge of that. Not bitter. Omg Gaia is so sweet and lovely. I love her. I want her to stick around. Don’t let the radiation get her!

Bellamy + Clarke  x  Jaha

Leadership is lonely, it’s good she has you. You keep her centered. Obviously Jaha sees Clarke as the leader and Bellamy as her sidekick/ compass more than an equal? I feel like they co-lead well Together. Wink. You’ve got it backwards. Nice. But Jaha is giving Bell some questionable advice here- he’s saying stop blaming yourself for the massacre, you were doing what you though was best for your people, and as long as that’s true, you don’t need redemption. Sort of, Jaha. You may think you’re right, but someone is yelling at you that you’re wrong (i.e. Abby x Kane S1 culling, Kane x Boris S3 massacre), so you actually might need some redemption, maybe for your people to accept you, maybe for your soul. Kane goes off in search of redemption and atonement after he realizes the way of life on the Ark doesn’t have to be how life on Earth is. Bellamy, realizes slaughtering a village of non-militant grounders is wrong as he’s taking part in it. That’s why he convinces Pike to let Indra live. Yes, they both think they’re right, but when they realize, even in hindsight how wrong they were, they feel guilty. Jaha on the other hand is very set in this “That’s what I thought at the time and I won’t let the present change how I see my past actions.” He’s much more cold and cognitive than emotional, even with himself. Jaha’s all like, dude get over it, how many people do you have to save before you forgive yourself.

I’d say Jaha has been distant enough in that he’s been off by himself for most of the plot, or at least separated from the core group, to merit his comment on the state of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship seriously. He has plenty of background with Clarke- his son was her best friend, their families were close pre-S1. Anyone can see Bellarke works well together, but Jaha’s outsider-insightfulness that everyone else may be too close to see (or too close to tell one of them) is that they center each other.

The List

First, can we talk about the Kabby couch parallel? Abby is snoozin at the start of S3 so peacefully and Kane glances over before going back to his sector mapping. ON THAT SAME COUCH is a peacefully sleeping Bellamy for Clarke to glance over at. He makes the list. I wonder if Riley did. Is Clarke reserving spots for grounders too or just sky people/ people in Arkadia? Bellamy gets spot 99. Good. Awe. He writes her name for her. Good job. Bellarke fans are screaming. Now we put it away... Y’all did a bang up job of that. Fold it once and put it in the OPEN CUBBY of the desk? No one will ever find it there. Snooping Jasper and Monty looking for their long lost weed never will. Oh wait. 

Funny how we’ve got another group of “100.” It’s always good to remember your roots.

End Thoughts Me: SHE’S A NIGHT BLOOD YOU DON’T HAVE TO RUN TESTS ABBY (and also you could have said “I’d like to run tests” slightly less creepily to a person who’s not the biggest fan of technology.) Abby and Clarke 20 seconds later- yeah there’s another variable here. yeah she a nightblood. Very happy Jackson got so many lines, even if they were tiny and sometimes in the background, he was in the conversation.

Noteworthy Absences and How I Feel About Them

Marcus Kane- I knew it was coming. I’m sure something big is happening with Octavia in the next episode. I thought the balance between Polis’ Octavia x Indra plot was well balanced with the Arkadia and Jaha x Bellarke plots. They were all satisfactorily interesting, a relief after Jaha’s 2B/3A plotlines. Adding a diplomatic Kane plot would be too much. He would have crowded Indra and her daughters’ scenes too. I’m good, but he was missed.

Harper McIntypre- She could have been standing guard with the Millers? Nate and Harper are besties. I like it. But then I want her to develop, so I’d rather her sit this one out and have meaningful airtime in another (or the next) episode.

Bryan- Also could have been on guard with the Millers. I actually would be really interested in seeing Bryan and Sergeant David Miller interact. Then again, He and Nate just had a fight last episode over fundamentally different beliefs, so they need air. In this case I do NOT want to have Miller Sr. interacting with them. He’s already had enough awkward interrupting couple-moments. I think he needed to be absent. There were already three plot lines and Briller drama would have pulled the show in too many directions, as with Kane. I’m cool with that.

Monty Green/ Jasper Jordan- This was a mother-daughter conflict episode with a splash of following Jaha’s whims. They didn’t fit. I’m cool with that. They’re going to find that letter Clarke should have hid in her pillowcase next week.

Echo- I’m bitter. She should have yelled at someone. What a badass.

Riley- Who is this dude. I just looked on IMDb and he’s in 6 episodes. Everyone seems to know him. I need to be part of that.

I felt we needed a refresher on full names…or lack there of...

I have no life and am very lonely. But it’s my own fault. so that’s just a nice explanation of why I have time to do this...