#l and light's experience with neurodivergence etc

[corviiids]

If i ask nicely, would you consider writing the core of Light and L character like you did for Shuake? (IT'S BRILLIANT BTW!! You're so galazy brain. I love reading any meta or just silly posts you posted here <3) because you mention Light a couple time in Akechi's part and now i need to know your thought on him and L.

(Also, about the death note wip you're cooking right now, is it a oneshot or multiple chapters fic? Im super excited for it!)

i ABSOLUTELY would thank you so much for asking and for your lovely kind words. and im sorry this took me seven years to get to i just kept psyching myself out.

here's the ren & goro post this ask refers to for anyone wondering. the 'core' refers to my answer to a writing meme:

26. What would you describe as OOC? [...] it's the same approach i take to language tbh particularly in pronunciation. once you understand how a language forms its sounds at a base level, you dont struggle with the accent on particular words, and you can encounter words you've never seen before and understand how they're likely to be said/spelled/etc. so once i learn to 'speak' a character they come more naturally. idk if that comparison makes sense to anyone else but it does to meeeee all this to say i think a character is ooc if they do or say something i cant reconcile with that core!

the death note wip is a multichap!! thank you for your interest!!! ill talk about it more once i've stopped tying myself in knots plotting it!! broadly it's a what-if type au which has led me to replot an entire series from scratch dont look at me

anyway lawlight below. i will say ive been really desperately wanting to do like a video essay or something about death note which would be a lot about L and light specifically and how i interpret their characters so ill try and not go toooooo insane in this post but maybe ill go more insane later. in a video. with my human voice.

(edit: i failed i went insane)

light - one-way road to the sky

ok let's talk about one of my favourite scenes of the entire series, which i think is widely not super well understood but honestly to me holds the key to light's entire character. it's right there in volume 1

sorry, the only digital copy ive got on hand is the scanlation. for comparison the official print copy reads:

bubble 1: hey, maki, wanna party tomorrow with some guys from s. college? ten o'clock. bubble 2: yeah, totally! bubble 3: hey, can i go too? bubble 4: my mom isn't here yet? what's that nag doing, geez! light (thinking): damn... light (thinking): start looking around you... light (thinking): and all you see are people the world would be better off without.

this happens within the first 40 pages of the first volume. and it's like. haha hey light what the fuck? this is a totally normal scene in everyday life. people are talking about living their lives. nobody's done anything remotely reprehensible in this scene. and light's just walking through the streets experiencing apparently unprompted and quite extreme misanthropy. what's wrong with him

ok let's have a quick look at the first time we meet light in the anime.

[...]

[...]

cool cool cool im gonna pivot again let's look at the first song (besides the overture) in the musical.

ok rook! we get it! light yagami is out here like damn we live in a society time to kill people about it. this is news to nobody! we all know this!! that's what the series is about! why are we rehashing all of this

great. cool. awesome. let's look at all those scenes one more time. but this time don't look at light. instead let's look at the people around him

in the opening shots of the anime (after the shinigami world, which actually is much the same theme): news of brutal murder is narrated over establishing shots of tokyo. light is shown dead-eyed, going about his ordinary life, surrounded by random other civilians doing the same thing.

in the musical, light isn't angry that murders happen. he's angry about the inaction and complicity of the ordinary people around him.

these scenes aren't highlighting that light thinks crime is bad. we all know crime is bad. the point of these scenes is to contrast light's frustration and fury against the reactions of the people around him. here's what light yagami is seeing: we're surrounded with rot. but nobody's reacting. and then life just goes on. so suddenly all those completely normal scenes of people being concerned with the superficial details of their life aren't just normality, they're complicity. day in, day out. so the world is rotting, and to light, it seems that everyone is completely ok with that. that's just the way things are. and that disgusts and depresses him. on top of than that, it isolates him: he feels like he's the only one who sees or cares about this, that everyone dismisses him as naive, that no one else can be trusted, that everyone else is able to ignore something he sees as inexcusable. this is a sentiment he repeats again and again. it reads as arrogance, and it is, but it's also isolation - after all it's lonely at the top and just as lonely to feel like you're at the top even if you arent

can i talk about the iliad again? is that ok with everyone. im gonna talk about the iliad again

in book 1 of the iliad, the commander of the greek army insults achilles by publicly and unlawfully taking a prize (the girl briseis) who rightfully belonged to achilles. achilles reacts by withdrawing his troops from the army, dooming the greeks' campaign. achilles had a lot of friends in the army, so why would he essentially sentence them all to death for something that only agamemnon did? well, (because agamemnon did something publicly that everyone knew was wrong, and yet nobody was willing (or at least able) to stand up for achilles and stop it from happening. achilles, disgusted by the inaction of the bystanders, turned his back on all of them. fun fact i nearly wrote a mini thesis (an academic one not just a long post on tumblr) about the intersection btwn this book of the iliad and legal theory but law+classics is such a niche interdisciplinary field my professor couldnt find anyone who could supervise me so i couldnt do it. anyway that's not the point

is this right or fair? who cares, not the point. what im interested in is what that kind of behaviour says about the individual. light, like achilles, is a highly idealistic person. we all know that in the abstract, but take a second to really really dig into it, because it's actually quite an interesting fact about a character who is popularly understood as being cold and unfeeling or flatly psychotic and on a power trip. idealism isn't naivety, it's not optimism, it's not even really a happy thing. idealism is simply a firm belief in the way things should be at the cost of refusing or being unable to accept what is.

this is the core of light yagami to me. light doesn't become kira because he's cold or destructive or crazy. he doesn't actually even do it because he's spiteful or misanthropic. it's very much the opposite. he's misanthropic because he believes in the world so much. isn't that a great contradiction! ok here i'll show you some proof.

in an early scene (also in volume 1), light describes himself as an optimist and ryuk finds that interesting.

so light is an optimist. he believes in a bright future for humanity. he wants to protect humanity. he likes humanity. no, he doesn't believe that people are inherently good, but he does believe in some goodness as a part of humanity and wants to protect the best of people, in an egotistical way:

how do we reconcile that with a young man who walks through the streets listening to completely ordinary conversations by ordinary people and reacts by wishing death on everyone talking?

let's split out what's going on here. remember what's happening in light's head. light yagami is 17 years old. he grew up with a police chief for a father (in a fictional world where the police are the literary stand-in for law as justice so just pretend for a second that police are good im sorry), watching his father work tirelessly to fight crime - but crime continues, making this an endless, thankless task. and while crime continues, so does the world around him. every day light sees atrocities on the news, and he sees atrocities brought home, and then he lives his ordinary life and watches the people around him apparently not give a shit, only concerned with the petty details of their own little lives. bystanders watching wrong happen, selfishly unaffected. day in, day out. that idealism is getting colder the longer this unendurable injustice goes on. so achilles condemns his friends to death.

what human trait is being exhibited? realistically it's helplessness. would being miserable about crime help to end crime? of course not. people have to go on with their lives, that's a fact, it's even a strength. even light begins the series completely unable to do a thing about the rot he sees around him, which is part of why he's so depressed. but that's not what light is seeing. light is seeing ordinary people appear to choose not to give a fuck about injustice. the thing that's sparking his disgust is apathy, real or apparent. light yagami is an idealist. he wants a better future - a utopia that only he can imagine - something that can only happen if either everyone becomes as good as he is, or he takes control.

if you leave an idealist in an unwinnable situation for too long, their pure belief will start to curdle. it will not turn to realism. they will not accept what is. they will only become more and more bitter that what should be, isn't. they will become a cynicist. this is really the heart of my argument and ive made it a million times and ill make it again. idealism and cynicism are not opposites, they're not even two sides of a coin. they are two points on the same line which moves very quickly in only one direction. this is where i start when im writing him: how do i make someone who believes so hard that it's killing him? someone who believes so hard it makes him believe in nothing?

then we find the third point on that line, which someone can reach by gaining sudden power - for example, a magic notebook that kills people: radicalisation.

how do we reconcile his desire to protect humanity with the fact that what he's trying to protect against is also humanity? how can i say light loves humanity when he has such disdain for them? easy peasy: light sees himself as the messiah. my bumper sticker that says ask me about light's martyr complex PLEASE ask me about light's martyr complex i wrote a song about it ask me about light seeing himself as the sacrificial lamb on the (and then the bumper sticker cuts off)

light loves humanity the way a twisted shepherd might love his sheep. something to be protected, but something beneath you that can't be trusted to know what's best for them. humanity is something he loves because it's endearingly pathetic, something to pity and save. repeatedly he refers to becoming kira as a personal sacrifice, something that costs him his soul but that he has to do. it's a delusion of grandeur driven by dual purposes of ego and some desperate wish to change a status quo he's been despairing about for years.

tl;dr: light believes with all his soul in something he thinks is impossible, and it's killing him slowly, and then a chance to change the world just falls out of the sky

L - isolate yourself until you can make believe it's just a game

steeples fingers. i have Things to Say about L Lawliet.

ok listen. listen. Listen. listen. are you listening? listen. in general i think people kind of misunderstand characters who are hyper-intellectual and/or behave unconventionally in social settings. you're all going to fucking kill me for this but i think there's a tendency to like... accidentally turn any character who falls vaguely in this broad category into sheldon cooper. god im sorry i feel like i just shot everyone's collective dog

specifically what i mean by that is that 'awkward' gets flanderised in a way that eventually becomes a caricature of itself, because there is so much nuance to actual social awkwardness that it's very easy to kind of pick a template and stick to it without really thinking about what makes that character 'awkward' and what the root and type of awkwardness is, unique to them. so instead we just get, like... generic big word user. generic driven by logic and logic alone guy. generic guy who doesn't Do Well with other people, for Smart Reasons.

here's a list of true things about L which i think are safe to say are uncontroversial

intuitive

logical, master of deductive reasoning

competitive

behaves in an odd way that draws attention

is aware of that fact

focuses extremely hard on his cases and only cares about being a detective not anything else

isolates himself and doesn't like talking to people partly for his own safety partly because it's boring to him

here are things i have seen in characterisation of L which i would like to dispute

makes decisions and draws conclusions based solely on logic and evidence

doesn't understand social cues

here's a list of alternate interpretations which i would like to propose and that i am willing to back up with evidence and/or by physically fighting over them

is driven primarily not by logic or evidence, but by incredible intuition which is supported by logic and evidence when it suits him

has a keen understanding of people, interpersonal relationships, and social norms

leverages that understanding frequently to his benefit

feels that he is not capable of / not a part of emotions that he sees as being typically human (see his speech about being a monster)

and yet in an abstract and self-contradictory and low-priority way still kind of desires connection, leaving him emotionally isolated

chooses to behave oddly on purpose, not because he doesn't realise he's behaving oddly, but because it is not a priority for him

those might seem like fine distinctions at some points, but stray slightly off the mark and his characterisation begins to vary wildly. for example, interpret L as being bemused or unaware of social cues, and one possible characterisation that may stem from that understanding (which i have seen) is that L doesn't understand sarcasm or jokes - which is demonstrably untrue. L demonstrates weak social skills because social skills aren't a priority for him, not because he doesn't understand social norms. after all he does a reasonably convincing 'i am a normal dudeguy' voice on at least two occasions (suzuki the information line guy and asahi the calling matsuda for drinks guy). even with the taskforce, when his behaviour is more of his usual bizarre self, he still makes the effort to treat them respectfully and meet them where they are, explaining himself when they ask, chatting with them, holding ordinary conversations. you can read this any number of ways but my point is that he can do all of this with relatively little struggle

it's also very much not the case that L doesn't have feelings or care about other people. he's ruthless and he's cool with causing people to die if he has to, but he reacts with visible distress to the deaths of the FBI agents, to ukita's death, to the prospect of other members of the taskforce dying. he does care, he's just not morally driven as a priority.

ok but if he can cosplay as Normal Dudeguy with no trouble then why doesn't he. why does he conduct all his business in dark rooms apart from the entire world forever. is it gauche to use a section of my own fic to explain my point? im going to do it anyway

It is easy to identify in Light what he has long known in himself. That little pearl of disruption, grown around an irritating grain of something just unique and tremendous enough to be uncomfortable to the more ordinary around them. L has hidden it by hiding himself. Light has hidden it by hiding within himself. L's black letter is to Light’s vapid smile is to Kira's invisible bullet.

(honestly a lot of what i have discussed here is also covered in this fic so in case this fucking three thousand word essay is not enough for you you can go read that.)

something L and light significantly have in common is that their intellect and unique way of thinking really set them apart from everyone in the world, which is incredibly isolating. but while L has the 'benefit' (arguably could be a detriment but i think he sees it as a benefit) of a unique upbringing which allows him to use his skills to their full extent without worrying about really anything else, light is very much trapped by social convention. while light's life is privileged and materially perfect, he's stuck inside what society expects of him, while L is able to exist completely outside that paradigm. the result is that light has retreated within himself and spends all day playing a part, barely tolerating the monotony and apathy of the world around him by mechanically performing as expected while smothering the part of him that never has an opportunity to truly come out until kira. L, on the other hand, has no reason to put up with a society that is, for lack of a better term, really just beneath him. so he retreats. remember that the first volume/chapter of the manga is called 'boredom'.

you can see that even in his comparatively limited interactions with the task force, he is having to exercise a level of patience to explain to them what he's thinking at every stage, to have to defend his methods, his instincts, his decisions, etc, needing to step through every stage of his reasoning so that the others can follow and won't object. this is NOT just about masking his odd behaviour, it's also very much about having to step through his morals and his process, which is second nature to him but is new to everyone else and needs explaining. it is visibly exhausting to him, and this is with people he actually seems to like well enough. eg during yotsuba arc when light and soichiro keep raising moral concerns, and he has those little "here we go again" moments (which i love SO much and are so telling of him to me) even though he doesn't let his frustration show. which is why he usually does not bother with it and prefers to work alone. he sits the way he does even though he knows it's odd, because he feels he need to sit that way. when light calls it out, he doesn't question that people will think he's strange, so he's clearly aware. he just explains himself.

but if he were out with people on the regular, he'd need to defend himself constantly. the things L does are not conventional. yes the sitting is just an oddity of his so it's a good example, but it's not just the things that are odd that cause a problem: he frequently makes decisions which seem to make massive leaps of logic nobody else (except light) can follow, and often his actions are morally questionable or even reprehensible. all that is because L is extremely pragmatic and results-focused. it kind of doesn't matter to him how he gets from A to B as long as he gets to B. but the way his mind works is that he makes big jumps that make perfect sense to him but would draw curiosity or objection from anyone who doesn't think the way he does. it would be absolutely exhausting to have to constantly defend every strange or questionable thing he did, so he just retreats.

when he works with other people, i think it's worth noting that the team dynamic never actually struggles for L's awkwardness. this is something i really like about death note honestly - L is quirky and strange, but the series doesn't do that thing where it's like He's A Genius Of Course He's Rude To Everyone. he's actually not. for the most part, L is courteous, patient, and polite. he's sometimes blunt or abrupt, but he very rarely does the thing where he's obliviously cruel or brushes people off. he's considerate of people's needs, he's visibly compassionate of other people's emotional difficulties, and he very rarely loses his patience. when matsuda tries to tell the locked-up light about kira resuming activity, L snaps "Matsuda!" to stop him, and then immediately corrects himself to go "I mean, Matsuda-san." it would have been really easy for the series to do that tropey shit where he's so smart that he doesn't bother with politeness, but he factually does. he makes the effort to treat people politely even when he's not actually being kind. when he's asked to explain himself, the reader can see he's tired and annoyed, but he doesn't take it out on people. on the odd occasion he does make fun of someone for being slow, he does so in mostly light-hearted ways. so he is very capable of dealing with other people directly. his lack of social skills aren't for lack of understanding. he just can't be bothered. it's a waste of energy to try and behave 'normally' or to do things that other people find acceptable, whether that's due to social norm or common morality. it is so, so much easier for L to do things alone. without the need to explain or defend his behaviour to anyone, his isolation turns real world problems into something almost purely theoretical. so it really is like a game for him, at least at first.

whatever

i think it's really important for a character like L to not be fooled by the surface-level categorisation of 'smart awkward character'. we really need to find what's driving his awkwardness. it's not ignorance, it's not even really disdain, it's exasperation. he's tired of being surrounded by people who just can't keep up with him, and he does not have enough energy or interest to spend his time handholding everyone through his process, so he just does whatever the hell he wants and avoids people as much as possible so he doesn't have to deal with it.

look i know this is a really long way to say stuff that people mostly already know, but i think L is one of the most finely nuanced characters in the series because he looks like such a simple expression of a known archetype and the ways in which he subverts expectations are so granular that it's easy to completely miss them even while appreciating how interesting he is. the way this translates into how i write him is that he's polite and has a lot of patience until he simply doesn't, at which point he'll inwardly or subtly express that he wishes he didn't have to bother with this shit, that he picks up on fine social and emotional details that other people will totally miss, but that he'll always put his own whims and plans before anything else.

tl;dr: L behaves like someone who is constantly moving at his own pace and for whom dealing with people is rarely worth the effort, but this does not make him inept or unkind.

[fertilefemme]

if you support israel, do not touch this blog ❤︎

formerly @airheadfemme, but tumblr hates me and terminated my account, so here we go again!

my wonderful friend and mutual @gothcoffins and i have a very lovely discord server if anyone would like to join (must be a 20+ year old femme4butch lesbian)!

about me:

~ 22 years old

~ white and transmisogyny exempt

~ ofos nonbinary high femme lesbian

~ very happily taken by @breederbutch ❤︎

~ submissive to a fault, but experimenting more with my dominant side

~ fat, disabled, chronically ill, and neurodivergent (adhd, autistic, bipolar)

~ i use they/them pronouns with everyone except my butch, who i prefer to refer to me using she/her pronouns

~ i love getting asks, and i will do my best to answer all of them in a timely manner, but i sometimes struggle with severe brain fog and it can make typing well written responses very hard. if you see me active on here, but i haven't answered your ask yet, that's probably why!

~ due to the aforementioned brain fog, i often make a lot of original posts on days when i'm feeling well, and they end up either queued or in my drafts until i decide to post them.

dni, tags, kinks, limits, and more under the cut

do not interact if you are:

~ a minor

~ a man (cis or trans)

~ a cis woman

~ an ed or feeder blog

~ a defender of "bisexual lesbians" or anything similar

~ someone who believes that nonlesbians can use the terms dyke, butch, or femme

~ someone who believes that nonblack nonlesbians can use the terms stud, fish, and stem(me)

~ a defender of harmful "kinks" such as ag*play/ddlg, r*pe (anything beyond dubious consent), inc*st, "orientation play"/corrective r*pe, r*ce play, etc

~ a racist, zionist (two staters included), transmisogynist (this includes terfs, ppl who believe in "transandrophobia", ppl who think trans men can be lesbians, etc), fatphobic person, or any other sort of bigot that i may have forgotten to put

my tags:

#the airhead speaks - my original posts

#my good butch ❤︎ - posts (including rbs) about domming

#taking notes - posts i want to look at again later

#🛡️- posts that remind me of my butch or that were rb'd from my butch will be tagged (bc they're my knight and i'm their princess ❤︎)

#beloved femmes ❤︎ - typically just pictures of femmes that i think are gorgeous (all compliments are platonic)

#my pics - idk p self explanatory but the few times i post pictures they'll be here haha

#ask me things! - ask games and prompts

#answered things - all of my answered asks

kinks:

~ praise

~ bondage

~ choking

~ breeding

~ blasphemy

~ corruption

~ possession

~ degradation

~ hair pulling

~ play fighting

~ objectification

~ overstimulation

~ regency/royalty

~ dubious consent

~ butch patriarchy

~ light impact play

~ exhibitionism (in theory)

~ dumbification/bimboification

~ intox (i rarely post ab it though)

~ free use (in an explicitly consensual way)

~ calling my butch daddy (as a title, mostly in the context of breeding)

~ roleplay (usually experienced dyke + innocent church girl, cocky tutor + airhead tutee, "bad boy"/loner butch + cheerleader, boss + maid, and other/potentially more embarrassing stuff)

limits:

~ anal

~ scat, blood, piss, etc

~ the harmful "kinks" referenced in my dni

if you add anything to my post that makes me uncomfortable (including mentioning one of my limits* in the tags), i will instantly block you.

*this excludes an*l as i'm aware that many people can only experience penetration anally, but please use as vague of phrasing as possible (ex: using the term "hole" rather than anything more descriptive)

[callmeryuzaki]

[ROLEPLAY BLOG / ASK BLOG]

L (Lawliet)/Ryuzaki/Ryuga.

Character is canonically 22-25.

Source; Death Note, L change the world.

Will Allow; Suggestive asks (Directly NSFW asks are iffy; may do if you're around the same age as our body), Angst asks, Fluff asks, Asks relating to other characters, Trans headcanons/prompts, Prompts in general, ETC.

Won't Allow; Light x L (Lawlight), Mello x L, Near x L, Anything pedophilic or incestous, Genderbends. MtF/Transfem L (I apologize, it's just a tad bit uncomfortable for me due to personal headcanons)

[QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS]

Q: Why won't you do Lawlight?

A; Light was 17 when they met, L was 22-25. Even with the “He turned 18 sometime after meeting him!” excuse, it feels creepy and predatory and that excuse seems like a “Waiting for him to be legal” thing.

Q; What are you headcanons for L?

A; He's Gender Apathetic + AroAce (However, Aromantic and Ace people can still experience romantic/sexual attraction and feelings if you were unaware)

I will, however, gladly go against these headcanons if the ask or prompt calls for it. On top of that, this is less of a headcanon, but L is rather neurodivergent-coded so we view him as neurodivergent.

Q; Who are you (The Admin)?

A; Well, this blog is actually ran by a system. So I'd also like to apologize if any of us mess up L's character or personality. We are trying our best.

Q; What pronouns do you use on L?

A; He/him, but I don't mind if you use other pronouns for L in general (This includes in asks)

To avoid any confusion, this includes; It/Its, They/Them, Neo/Nounself/Nameself pronouns, and so forth.

Q; Will you do trigger warnings (TW's) / content warnings (CW's)?

A; Absolutely, in the tags. I will tag things I feel need to be tagged, I most likely will not do CW/TW's that are specific to only one person though. (For example; heavy or uncomfortable topics)

Last but not least; We will to a extent make this our personal idea of L, but we will also stick to canon and favor canon.

[narratornavigatorstoryteller]

hi this is a mello-centric account but here's my matt analysis

general 

smoking

often, people who smoke do so as the result of pressure or as a coping mechanism. he's clearly smart enough to recognize what is and isn't a good idea, so i don't believe he'd start smoking just because someone else said he should. instead, i'd say he smokes as a coping mechanism. i'm not sure what exactly he'd be coping with, however, it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume stress, anxiety, and the environment in which he was raised are all contributing factors.

interest in technology

i take this to be one of a Few things that could point to him possibly having adhd or autism, likely with technology as a hyperfixation. will expand on this farther down.

was smart enough to be in 3rd place

i feel as though he could've ranked higher in the wammy's system, not because he "didn't apply himself," but more because he didn't Care. as someone with interests (and potentially, an ideal career) outside of becoming L's successor, i wouldn't be surprised if matt were on level with or even above mello. maybe it's respect or simple lack of wanting that keeps him in third.

comparable to a dog

for matt, this would be a different meaning than mello. where mello's dog comparison takes on a sharper, more assertive tone, i personally see matt as being much more responsive and analytical. where mello has a set plan in place that can be adjusted accordingly, matt has a much looser set of major goals and prefers to analyze the situation as it progresses.

i also feel like he is a leader, however he lacks the motivation to apply it. instead, going back to the dog comparison, he'll take what he's given within reason. if mello says to answer when he calls, then matt will. if wammy's house says to get ranked as high as possible, he will. at the same time, if he feels something is unnecessary, he won't even consider it. why aim for top two if third is good enough? why genuinely try to become L's successor if he just doesn't want to?

long story short, matt's what i'd like to call a selective follower; he has the qualifications to be a strong and good leader, but is very picky about where and why he applies them. as a selective follower, he'll do what he's told, but only when he actually believes in whoever is trying to instruct him. he is loyal, but might not be above playing traitor if he saw good reason to.

i doubt he was very well liked at wammy's, and was often misread by other students

as number 3, matt prevents number 4, 5, 6, etc. from even having a chance at the top. additionally, he likely presents himself as an awkward loner (with his social skills being 3/10) with a nic addiction and a love of video games. this presentation alongside his obviously high intelligence might cause people to resent and misunderstand him, seeing matt as nothing more than another obstacle between them and a higher position. social awkwardness is now read as conceitedness ("he thinks he's too good for us") and the video games and lack of rank progression are read as refusal to apply himself (which, while true, would now be read more negatively due to the situation)

goggles

i personally like to think he wears them because of light sensitivity, but at the same time i want to see them as a symbol of his constant personality masking. i can't see him as anything other than deeply thoughtful and extremely loyal. in times of stress, he projects confidence and pride, possibly to mask a fear of failure and being seen as weak. i also see a potential fear of vulnerability in him, though whether this is with himself, with others, or just in general is debatable (by obscuring his eyes, it makes it harder for them to be read, building up a wall between him and whoever he's with).

neurodivergence

i have no doubt that he is either autistic or has adhd. To start: boredom. it’s a recurring theme in death note for characters to experience boredom and have strange means of dealing with it (e.g., ryuk, light [debatable], and L). for mail, i’d say that this points even more in the direction of him being neurodivergent coded, as boredom is also a symptom found in various neurodivergencies. next; video games and electronics. hyperfixations are used as a way to relieve stress, or as something that a person simply enjoys and thinks about in ways that go far beyond their control. in chapter 85, while “watching mogi and misa” for mello, matt is shown actually playing video games instead, and states that he found his original task boring. some neurodivergent people may find it hard to complete certain tasks, especially if they don’t find them interesting, and it makes sense that he would turn to his hyperfixation instead. for now i’ll end on his social skills. in the offical stats, matt’s social skills are rated at a 3/10, which, if i’m not mistaken, is second lowest for the human death note characters at least, with near and L tying for absolute lowest at 1/10. while not everyone experiences this, its a common symptom to have “trouble” socialising, or to not be very good at reading social cues. due to his high observation skills, i’d say that a lot of what builds up his social interactions is mirroring; things he picked up from watching others, especially those at wammy’s house. i know i said i’d end with that, but some smaller points that i won’t talk too much on are his goggles (possible light sensitivity/sensory issues, also potentially a comfort item), his gloves (could be a sensory thing, or even a strong aversion to germs, though the latter is less likely due to the next point), and his environment (from what we’re shown, his workspace is very cluttered and disorganized)

relationships

mello

mello’s the only one we ever see any interaction with. They’re officially described as “friends," and stayed together for a bit before takada's kidnapping. they seem to hold mutual respect and trust for each other, with matt being willing to assist in mello's plans and mello calling matt to work with him after the explosion. when matt slipped up while spying on misa, mello was shown to be a bit annoyed, however he didn’t mention it and simply carried on with things the best he could. their relationship overall seems to be a very good one, even after all their years apart.

[berri-hopefulspouse]

Are there any specific things that you associate with your partners? Could be aesthetics, seasons, actions, etc.

💚

"I mean, there's a lot of different things I could associate with them. But no one specific thing could really fully explain who they are..." Makoto said, mostly thinking aloud to himself, "I could say that I associate them with the color teal, but that wouldn't tell you about how their favorite food is usually junk foods, or how they take an hour to get out of bed in the morning. I could tell you that its fall, since it's their favorite season- but that wouldn't tell you how much they hate being a summer child due to the heat."

Makoto went quiet for a few moments, even halting his typing, to think.

"...It would have to be a collection of various little things, I think. Like how they're very specific with their coffee; Caramel Frappachino with some caramel drizzled overtop," Makoto listed the order off without a second thought, "Or their favorite blanket that glows in the dark...And even so, how they actively choose not to wear long sleeves until it's freezing out because they overheat very easily, like I mentioned before."

"In the end it's a lot of little things; no one thing could really fully describe who they are as a person.." He flushed a bit out of embarassment, "...S-sorry, that was a bit of a ramble..."

❤️

"Something I associate Ren with?..." Hajime rose an eyebrow, looking over his shoulder at Ren- who was still fiddling with the contraption and humming to themselves.

"...It's nothing tangible, but I associate them kinda with.. well, the idea of feelings themselves. Ren is almost like the physical embodiment of emotions- kinda living up to their Ultimate title," He remarked, adjusting his tie a bit, "They go through so many different emotions and thoughts everyday, though they hardly ever tell anyone. The only reason I do know is because...well, because of something that happened while we were in the Neo World."

Hajime sighed and looked back away from them, "...If I had to pick something more physical though, I-I'd probably just pick out the stars. The stars always kinda remind me of them, since it's one of their favorite things to look at. They always have this enchanted look in their eyes when they're looking at the night sky, and it kinda reflects in them. It's one of the times that they choose to be quiet because they want to be quiet, and not for any reasons of anxiety or anything of the sort."

💙

Shuichi rose an eyebrow at that, before they furrowed in thought.

"Something I associate with Ren, particularly? Uh...Hm..." He tapped a pen to his chin again as he thought to himself for a good few minutes, the snoozing brunette on his shoulder undisturbed for the whole time.

"To me, at least, I always associate them with how I feel about them... L-like the way they smile- and how nervous I feel back before I knew I was in love... O-or the way when they laugh how their hair bounces with them. O-or even their dumb pranks they'd do to get my attention... I just...Associate them with my heart, I guess."

💝

Kaede hummed in thought, watching the brunette in question as they flittered in and out of various rooms, seemingly looking for something.

"I'd have to say, aside from their music tastes in the more underground genre's, I'd associate Ren with how they act when they're happy..." Kaede smiled sweetly, "While a lot of the times that...unfortunately isn't the case, it just makes when they are happy stand out so much more. Their eyes light up and you can almost see the orange speckles in their eyes- they kinda remind me of a kitten who's getting a treat... But if they're really happy, or excited about something- they stim! And it's adorable!"

As she rambled, she plucked the brunette's phone off the counter- and as they passed by looking for it she simply palmed it into their hand- earning a shy 'Thank you' from them in response.

"I'm not well versed in neurodivergent...or psychological anything, really, but...They've taught me a lot. How theres various stims for various reasons and they can overlap and depend on each individual who goes through these things everyday."

"For Ren at least, when they're happy and excited- they tend to flap their hands and bounce in place a lot. It's adorable!!! Sometimes they'll rock back and forth too, if they're sitting." Kaede finished explaining, a happy smile on her face as she thought about it, "...I try to make them as happy as I can, just so they can experience that much more than life has given them so far."

💜

Shuichi couldn't help but cackle at that, raising an eyebrow, "Honestly? Aside from the way I feel around him, I mostly just associate various candy aesthetics with him. He's got the whole 'Sugar sweet' aesthetic down to even what he eats and drinks!"

"Now whats that supposed to mean?!" Soleil, who was currently adding...a lot of sugar to his tea remarked. Shuichi only gave a slight gesture to the amount of empty sugar packets next to Soleil to emphasize his point.

"They're the definition of sweet. Of course, they can be sour and pack a punch when needed, especially when it comes to his cousin- but overall he's usually very sweet and kind. It doesn't help that the theme of his Uncle's cafe practically screams 'candy aesthetic'..."

[gothicmisa]

A, B and C!! :3c

wtf ily

A - How did you come up with the title to “a note that kills”?

the fic is a crossover, so I just kind of mashed “todome no kiss” (a kiss that kills) with death note ;__; it isn’t really an exciting answer B - Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

in a way, yes! a lot of my headcanons are self-projections onto the characters and are a little bit inspired by my experiences (i.e the parentification of drama!light) or people i know (L having ocd!!). 

C - What character do you identify with most?

i id most with characters that are low-to-middle class, lgbt, neurodivergent, or otherwise in the minority. i find it really hard to relate to characters that are like, obscenely rich, or able-bodied and neurotypical, etc because my experience of life is wildly different.

[dailydestieldose]

THIS IS TRUE, AND VERY IMPORTANT

If any of my followers are neurodivergent, know someone who is, or wants to show support for neurodivergents on their blog, please consider reading and reblogging this to spread awareness. Adhd is not what people think it is, and I have suffered dearly because I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was adhd. I’m going to talk about my experiece here in a long rant, which WILL INCLUDE DISCUSSION OF SELFHARM, EATING DISORDERS, DEPRESSION, A SUICIDE ATTEMPT, AND ANXIETY. I encourage you to look away if that is not for you. On my blog, I have a tag called #adhd that has a ton of user friendly information that WILL NOT INCLUDE THOSE THINGS, for the most part, and has symptoms, experiences, how to know, etc. I know that the meme was light hearted, but having adhd and being misdiagnosed or pushing the symptoms aside as quirky can be deeply traumatizing for some people, and like with me, leads to a host of problems. I love y’all so much, and my inbox is open to every single one of you, even if we’re not mutuals. ❤️❤️

Alright, here we go!!

For the past five years, from about age ten to age fifteen, I struggled with depression and anxiety. (Yes, I am fifteen and several mutuals have adopted me already lol)

But please do not dismiss me off the bat because “She’s so young, the fuck does she know?”

I thought and was told that I was lazy my whole life, but recently I sought help for anxiety and depression again at a different doctor’s and they basically said No, for real, you fucking have ADHD. They put me on adderall three days ago and y’all the differences are stark.

Adhd is not always “can’t sit still, can’t sit still, can’t sit stil—SQUIRREL!”l

*ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS, and I am very convinced that if I had been a boy and had shown “the boy symptoms”, I would’ve been tested and treated way earlier.

People are often misdiagnosed with anxiety and depression before they’re exposed to enough adhd info to pause and think.

FIVE YEARS ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and only within the past week did I begin to get treated properly.

Adhd and anxiety/depression/mental illness are so inextricably linked that’s it’s often Russian Roulette to get a proper diagnosis for any mental illness, and too often the doctor’s finger points to the “gender appropriate” diagnosis.

Girls are VASTLY underrepresented in adhd diacussions, and disproportionately represented for anxiety and eating disorders.

I was missed diagnosed and treated improperly and I have lost the majority of my youth to mental illness, and that’s not fair. Five years is effectively my entire adolescence. I wish I had known sooner, beyond the narrative of a troubling boy who can’t sit still in class.

And so here’s my experience. I hope it helps y’all.

I know that many of my followers hyperfocus on Supernatural and Destiel (that’s why I follow y’all ily❤️), and that is a symptom of Adhd.

It’s not always not being able to focus, sometimes it’s getting really interested in something and hyper focusing.

Adhd is the DISREGULATION of focus, not necessarily the lack of it. Often the highs and lows of focus and productivity leave us exhausted and burned out.

And we have special interests because we have to keep our brain going...or else the Void is just there.

If you stop doing SOMETHING, watching tv or social media constantly, the emptiness is just. There.

Boredom feels worse than death, and so we always have a safety hyperfocus.

For me, it’s supernatural. All through my day, whenever I feel bored or monotonous (like doing chores), I listen to music and daydream headcanons and stories in my head.

When I was young, I was always getting in trouble in school. I was talking or doodling during class. I had so much trouble hearing the tecahers explaining the work and being able to remember what to do that the teachers started writing lists on the board, which was kind, but then, since there was always something written on the board, it blended into my surroundings and my brain no longer noticed it.

My book bag and desk were constantly disorganized, I could never find my assignments or a pencil when I needed it.

I had missing work, messy handwriting because I couldn’t slow down or I would lose the thought.

(My ma ended up teaching me cursive because it SO much quicker when writing since you don’t have to pick up the pencil and move for every letter. I write in a mix of regular letters and cursive just because I hate how they made some cursive letters, like no that’s not Z fuck you, and I’d recommend the same for y’all learning cursive. It really only takes a moment or two to know how to write a letter in cursive. I had so many teachers tell me to slow down, they can’t even read it, but when I switched to mostly cursive it solved the problem. I would highly recommend it if you have adhd chicken scratch like moi. Dont learn all the cursive letters, pick the ones that look good and natural to you, learn how to connect them, and fuck the other weird cursive letters that look nothing at all like the letter. Looking at you, Z. Bite me.)

I started bringing a book to lunch and recess because everything else was too boring. In fact, I INHALED books. In third grade, I was tested, and I was on a high school level. By the time in was in fourth grade, I was on a college level. I was quickly labeled Gifted and I graced through my classes with little to no effort. I say this not to brag, but because MIDDLE SCHOOL PUNCHED ME IN THE THROAT.

Suddenly, I had to sit down and study, and organize notes, and remember deadlines.

You know those jokes where it’s like, “if you were a gifted child, you’re depressed and illiterate now?”

👇

It’s adhd :)

And I worked extremely well under pressure and deadlines, so I managed. Barely.

(Side note: having trouble doing online school is another symptom, because Home and School have forever been separated in your mind as “Home is for relaxing” while “School is for working,” and for someone with adhd it might be difficult for those two concepts to enmesh. It’s perfectly normal. Having trouble with online school rn is part of what made me seek help again. And I described my issues with it and they straight up were like yeah thats adhd baby)

I maintained my A-Honor roll, but by the skin of my teeth. Because how could I ever let myself slack off in school? As soon as I entered school, I was labeled as gifted, that was now part of my identity.

But know, having to put in SO much effort to remember things that everyone else just GOT was taking a toll (What was the next step to solving this type of math problem, what was the flash card definition for this, everything’s on the tip of my tongue)

Middle school began to suffocate me, I put in so much effort; I tried to stay organized, remember where I put things, keep things neat, only to turn my back, then look back and everything’s messy again.

Suddenly, I know longer did well with pressure and deadlines.

On testing days I had bile in my mouth and hands so clammy I could barely hold the pencil.

I jolted out of bed at the stray thought that I had forgotten to finish something.

There have been times when my ma has driven me the entire 10 minutes to school, only to realize that I forgot my entire book bag at home, or worse, my computer or a single assignment which didnt warrant going home and getting, which often meant a zero or late work.

Some teachers were understanding and gentle, some uncaring, and some so harsh that I was quickly stripped of self confidence and worth.

Coupled with this, my toxic and emotionally abusive father was in my life again, and I now had trouble emotionally handling my mother’s anger outbursts. He was not horrible, nor did he mean to hurt me I’m sure, but any perceived shortcoming of mine made me feel awful.

*This emotional sensitivity is called REJECTION SENSITIVITY DISORDER

Over the next year, this will all accumulate into an overall loss, though of what exactly I was never sure. But I felt LOST. Teacher after teacher gave us “What do you want to be when you grow up, and I constantly blanked. I had no hobbies or special skills.

(Not being able to maintain hobbies is a symptom laddies ✌️)

Something was missing, and I had to keep going through my days trying to find satisfaction. Nothing stimulated me enough, while at the same time sometimes my senses were a live wire, shocking me into performing the Perfect Academic everyone thought I was, that my future and scholarships depended on.

But adolescence brought an onslaught on new emotions.

Where the lunchroom had been warm and inviting but just boring before, now it was looming and sinister. I still vividly remember the subconscious feeling, everyday, of picking each food, having to punch in my number, and the agonizingly self conscious walk to the table, believing everyone in line behind me was secretly thinking I was too slow or too fat and indulgent in my choices.

Looking back now, I easily recognize that, because I was beginning to feel inadequate academically, it was quickly manifesting in me also feeling inadequate physically and socially. But I was a lot younger, and I took these feelings as gospel; they truly must think I’m awful, and that my thighs jiggle when I walk (that was a very poignant and visceral feeling of shame for me, for some reason).

So, in order to try and try and control these feelings, again I threw myself into reading, but this time wasn’t for the joy of reading it was for the sublimation of the start of life sucking mental illness.

I remember how some days I was consumed with the intrusive thought that I looked ugly when chewing and that all the boys would secretly be disgusted.

In hindsight, the homophobia that my grandparents propogated and raised me in and the shame and internalized homophobia towards my bisexuality was beginning to betray itself.

I’ve since found pride and acceptance within my family, whilst cutting out and disowning my grandparents, but the need to be desired and WORTH anything was rising.

I developed an eating disorder.

I stopped eating the entire tray, then only took a few bites, then only sipped a bit of the milk, then abstained and opted for the waterfountain beforehand.

Eventually, I skipped breakfast too.

Until dinner, when I would binge until I felt nauseous. I gained weight quickly. I starting binging and making sick. (Do not start this under any circumstances!! It solves nothing, it’s not cute or quirky like socials media’s romanticization. It’s horrific and solves nothing.)

I craved discipline over my life and yet I lacked it fundamentally in everything I did, or at least it felt like it.

I could no longer manage the school work load and lost my A-Honor roll, and then I lost my B-Honor roll.

Anxiety and depression began to set in.

But they were CAUSED by adhd. They were the eggs and not the chicken. But I was only treated for the anxiety and depression and not the adhd.

I lost and lost weight until I had a thigh gap. For most people, a thigh gap is not healthy, and it wasn’t for me.

I weighed myself every day, living for the brief happiness when I had lost weight and then drowning under it not being enough.

I never felt fatter than when I lost weight.

I had horrible headaches, neck and shoulder pain form being so tense, insomnia, I zoned out in class, forgot chores and assignments, and began to self harm.

(Side note: self harm solves absolutely nothing either and it will literally never make you feel better)

This all eventually led to a suicide attempt. I went to the hospital and very quickly started to get treated for the anxiety and depression.

This helped a lot over time and went back to doing pretty well in school.

I never went back to starving or selfharm and I am very glad that I didn’t.

Just recently, I’ve been put on adderall and it’s really helped. It was not only the medication that helped; there is no miracle cure, it’s not going to fix you. But knowing why things feel certain ways, understanding who you are feels so comforting. And from there you learn to hack adhd.

When I tell you that life is worth living, I fucking mean it. If today sucks, tomorrow will be better. If tomorrow sucks, then it’s still true; tomorrow will be better at some point.

Five years ago, I was on death’s door, literally, and now I am confident and proud and thriving.

Even if you’re 99.9% sure that you were diagnosed correctly, look into other diagnosis to make sure. Or reblog to help your followers who may be struggling.

*ADHD OFTEN LOOKS LIKE OTHER THINGS AND NEVER BEING PROPERLY DIAGNOSED AND TREATED IS LITERALLY DANGEROUS

A few weeks ago, I saw a meme similar to this one, and I said hey that’s funny I do that too, then I went to the comments and people were talking about other adhd symptoms, and then I did research. Now, a couple week later, I’ve been on adderall for just a few days and the vast majority of my sympts and problems are gone. The depression which was caused by insufficient neurotransmitter stimulation is gone and I am so greatful for that random adhd post because it changed my life.

If you need a sign to keep fighting, this is it.

It’s worth it. I promise you.

Here are a few more articles to help y’all (keep in mind that my adhd tag has SO much relevant and important info):

[fertilefemme]

if you support israel, do not touch this blog ❤︎

formerly @airheadfemme, but tumblr hates me and terminated my account, so here we go again!

my wonderful friend and mutual @gothcoffins and i have a very lovely discord server if anyone would like to join (must be a 20+ year old femme4butch lesbian)!

about me:

~ 22 years old

~ white and transmisogyny exempt

~ ofos nonbinary high femme lesbian

~ very happily taken by @mistlestonebutch ❤︎

~ submissive to a fault, but experimenting more with my dominant side

~ fat, disabled, chronically ill, and neurodivergent (adhd, autistic, bipolar)

~ i use they/them pronouns with everyone except my butch, who i prefer to refer to me using she/her pronouns

~ i love getting asks, and i will do my best to answer all of them in a timely manner, but i sometimes struggle with severe brain fog and it can make typing well written responses very hard. if you see me active on here, but i haven't answered your ask yet, that's probably why!

~ due to the aforementioned brain fog, i often make a lot of original posts on days when i'm feeling well, and they end up either queued or in my drafts until i decide to post them.

dni, tags, kinks, limits, and more under the cut

do not interact if you are:

~ a minor

~ a man (cis or trans)

~ an ed or feeder blog

~ a defender of "bisexual lesbians" or anything similar

~ someone who believes that nonlesbians can use the terms dyke, butch, or femme

~ someone who believes that nonblack nonlesbians can use the terms stud, fish, and stem(me)

~ a defender of harmful "kinks" such as ag*play/ddlg, r*pe (anything beyond dubious consent), inc*st, "orientation play"/corrective r*pe, r*ce play, etc

~ a racist, zionist (two staters included), transmisogynist (this includes terfs, ppl who believe in "transandrophobia", ppl who think trans men can be lesbians, etc), fatphobic person, or any other sort of bigot that i may have forgotten to put

my tags:

#the airhead speaks - my original posts

#my good butch ❤︎ - posts (including rbs) about domming

#taking notes - posts i want to look at again later

#🛡️- posts that remind me of my butch (bc they're my knight and i'm their princess ❤︎)

#beloved femmes ❤︎ - typically just pictures of femmes that i think are gorgeous (all compliments are platonic)

#my pics - idk p self explanatory but the few times i post pictures they'll be here

#ask me things! - ask games and prompts

#answered things - all of my answered asks

kinks:

~ praise

~ bondage

~ choking

~ breeding

~ blasphemy

~ corruption

~ possession

~ degradation

~ hair pulling

~ play fighting

~ objectification

~ overstimulation

~ regency/royalty

~ dubious consent

~ butch patriarchy

~ light impact play

~ exhibitionism (in theory)

~ dumbification/bimboification

~ intox (i rarely post ab it though)

~ free use (in an explicitly consensual way)

~ calling my butch daddy (as a title, mostly in the context of breeding)

~ roleplay (usually experienced dyke + innocent church girl, cocky tutor + airhead tutee, "bad boy"/loner butch + cheerleader, boss + maid, and other/potentially more embarrassing stuff)

limits:

~ anal

~ scat, blood, piss, etc

~ the harmful "kinks" referenced in my dni

if you add anything to my post that makes me uncomfortable (including mentioning one of my limits* in the tags), i will instantly block you.

*this excludes an*l as i'm aware that many people can only experience penetration anally, but please use as vague of phrasing as possible (ex: using the term "hole" rather than anything more descriptive)