#kinda sad that I've been too tired to draw as much as I wished to but at least some beautiful pieces im proud of still got to see the light

[fauxpapillons]

This year's art summary! Still going strong with the Sandalphon brainworms. But it gives me joy that, while having drawn less than past years due to chronic pain kicking me, I've done cool merch and everyone's support making them happen! 🥺

Template

[wonymao]

──★ ˙ ̟. supernova love 𖹭 !!

a supernova glowin' the dark, forever i wished upon a star. then you came over, occupied my heart, occupied my heart <3

a/n; this is my first time writing a fic! HEAVILY inspired by dream contact: our wish and also supernova love by ive&david guetta because i've been obsessing over that song since it came out (ive never misses)

no cw! fluff cheesy n cringy sakuya, not proofread!! sakuya fic about astronomy kinda??

saku x fem!reader

wc: around 2.3k

a supernova glowin' the dark

forever i wished upon a star ::

astronomy. something about astronomy has always been calling your name. you've always been interested in it, i mean who isnt curious about outerspace? you'd have to be insane not to wonder whats out there, right? or maybe youre just too much of a nerd like your friends say..

everynight you would stargaze on the top of your roof, using it as a stress reliever while listening to your favourite songs and drawing sketches of different planets, stars, galaxies, anything that comes to your mind that day.

2:47am

coming down from your roof, stepping into your room from the window. forgetting to close the window behind you. laying on your bed, lights off, window open with the wind blowing your curtains. with the window open, its hard to fall asleep. the cold air seeping into your room, but being too lazy to get up and close it. slowly closing your eyes adjusting to the cold room, a neon green colour invades your room. instantly opening your eyes and seeing the prettiest green ever suddenly wakes you up.

running to your window, you spot a bright neon green star in the sky. looking through your telescope immediatly, getting a closer look. your heart beats faster, never in your life have you ever seen a pretty star like this one. running back to your bedside table to grab your phone to snap a picture of it, yet once you come back to your window sill, its gone..? the star just.. disappeared

how can you go to sleep after that? while the star is still fresh in your mind, you start to sketch what the star looked like. walking back to your bed sketch book and coloured pencils in your hand, getting comfortable in your sheets. eventually passing out with an unfinished drawing of that star you saw that night.

its been a week since that event happened and you cant stop thinking of it. ever since that day youve been wishing everynight looking up at the stars. 'please show me that star once more' you want to know if what you saw was real, if you were just so tired you started imagining things.

because that morning you woke up, you immediatly ran to turn on your computer searching for neon green star spottings, yet nothing showed up. only fake stock images.

you sit on the bench that you always sit on daily while waiting for the train that takes you back home after your cram school. you were let out early. 15 minutes till the train comes, its cold too. to pass time you pull out your sketchbook. flipping through the sketches of all the green stars youve drawn, you begin to skecth it again. you want to sketch a drawing similar to what you saw.

as your minding your own buisness, you feel a pair of eyes on you over your shoulder. turning around you see this guy, munching on bread staring at your drawing with wide eyes. he looks about your age, but why does he look like he jjst saw a ghost??

"that green star.. you saw that too??" he says with an unexpected deep voice "no way. did you see this as well?!" you stand up excitedly looking at him right in the eyes

"yeah, ive been searching online for any clues on what i saw.. i thought i was the only one" the boy replies sloghtly smiling

you reach out your hand to him "im y/n! im so happy to meet someone who saw it too!"

"im fujinaga sakuya" the boy takes your hand, and sits down on the bench as you follow.

"i tried to take a picture of the star but jist as soon as i picked up my phone it was gone" sakuya says with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"me too! thats why im drawing it because i domt ever want to forget that moment. ever since i saw that ive been wishing too see ot again"

"i hope that wish comes true for the both of us," sakuya says looking at your sketchbook. silence falls with the both of you sitting beside eachother on the bench on the cold. you start flipping through thr pages silently showing him all the skecthes you drew throughout the week. looking at his face for a reacyion he just lets out a little laugh.

the train comes and you both get on. its so warm on the train that you start to feel itchy from how cold it was outside. sakuya sits down and invites you to sit beside him.

the two of you talk about the star you saw that night, but eventually the conversation turns into getting to know eachother. his name is fujinaga sakuya, hes 16. he loves soccer, basketball, and also is interested in astronomy. time moves by so quick you dont even realize you miss you stop. ringing the bell to be let off at the next stop, you get up but he grabs your hand. looking down at the boy whos still seated, you see he's holding out his phone.

"y/n.. uhh.. can i have your phone number?" he shyly asks. you smile to him grabbing his phone and putting your number into it. giving his phine back you wave bye at him while stepping off the train. hes waving back and smiling.

when he mentioned he was interested in astronomy, your heart started beating faster. youve never met someone who liked the same stuff as you, not only that. but hes also really attractive and kind.

you step into your home, taking of you coat and boots, your mom welcoming you back and offering you dinner. after eating you get ready for bed and fall asleep.

----

tge next day you had just got gotten home from school, getting ready for bed you get a notification from your phone. thibking its one of your friends asking help for the homework you sigh, turning on your phone only to see a text from.. fujinaga?!

----

sakuya got to his shared dorm around 8:30pm, taking off his backpack and slipping off his shoes running into the living room like the happiest child ever. "guys you will never guess what happened to me today" sakuya says while 5 boys turn their attention from the tv to him

"i talked to this girl-" sakuya is cut off from his roomates cheering for him. really? he didnt even get to finish his sentence but theyre cheering for him like he just accomplished the hardest thing ever

"our saku-chan finally getting a girlfriend?" riku jokes nudging the youngers arm

sakuya blushes at the thought of the girl being his. "yeab so what? i talked to a girl and you guys didnt. i know youre all jealous."

the room goes dead silent. the first to break the silence is sion laughing follwed by the others. sakuya jist ignores their teasing and goes to his room to get ready for bed.

the next dayduring rheir shared dinner sakuya asks for advixe on how to strike a conversation with the girl. "just ask her to go to that bakery you always go to or sometbinf" yushi suggests

"hyung youre so smart!" sakuya says pulling out his phone and starts texting away. naturally the 5 boys gathering around him watching the conversation between him and the girl

"YOOO SHE SENT A HAND HEART SAKU SHE LIKES YOU" Riku says slapping sakus shoulder "orrr she could just be nice, but i doubt that" ryo adds on

"our little sakuya has a date tomorrow" daeyoung says hugging the younger boy. sakuya smiling to himself as his face flushes thinking of getting to see her again.

sakuya hurriedly goes to his room to try and get some good sleep so he can be refreshed and full of energy for tomorrow.

---

then you came over, occupied my heart,

occupied my heart <3 ::

its been 2 months since youve met sakuya and youve been hanging out with him very often. youd be lying to yourself if you said you didnt like him. everytime he looks at you with those eyes you feel you heart beat faster, cheeks flushing red. whenver he asked why you were red you would jist say its from the cold. but you didnt know that he knew it was because of him, i mean it was already spring. shouldnt you be saying its too hot? sakuya was just waiting for the perfect time to tell you what he truly felt about you.

even thiugh he knew you liked him because youre not so good at hiding your feelings, deep down, he thought maybe you were just being nice like what ryo said when he first asked for advice.

you both saw that green star on febuary 7th. he wantes to confess to you april 7th. that day also happened to be your birthday.

"soo whens your birthday?" sakuya asks while tilting his head at you. you stop eating your food to reply "its april 7th" sakuyas mouth is wide open "REALLY??" sakuya says shocked "yeah why?" you slightly laugh at his cuteness

"oh.. nothing, its just next week" he awkwardly laughs realizing his actions were too weird "are you doing anything that day?" he asks. "yeah im going bowling with my friends!" you reply smiling like an idiot

sakuya reaches his hands across the table and holds yours. "what about after that?" you feel your face heat up

"i wanna see you on your birthday" sakuya boldly says

"w-we'll most likely be done after 7ish.." you say trying not to move, you want to hide away from this situation. as much as you like it, its embarassing

"okay cant wait to celebrate your birthday at 7:30pm jist the two of us" sakuya says while letting go of your hands to finish his bread.

the rest of the dinner with him goes well, you trying to forget what hapoened to calm your heart down.

-----

april 7th.

you wake up in a good mood, i mean its your birthday and you have fun plans for today. you get ready, trying extra hard to look good today. not only for the amount of pictures youre gonna take today, but also for.. sakuya.

as the time gets closer to 7:30 your heart beats faster. god you really cant think of sakuya without blushing and almost looking like a fool in love.

he told you that he wanted to celebrate your birthdah togetger in your house, and you agreed. its currently 7:15. waiting for him, you touch up your makeup and hair, also cleaning uo your room a little.

*ding dong* you hear the doorbell from the front door. you told your mom not to asnwer the door if someone knocked because you told her your friend was coming over. your mom makes raises an eyebrow at you because you normally never say that to her, so she assumes ots a boy. which she was righr when she hears you greet a deep voice boy. respecting your privacy she just stays in the living room.

"hi y/n" sakuya says stepping into your house holding a bag of sweefs from wishs bakery and a present

"hi saku! omg you didnt have tk get me a present" you shyly say

"its your birthday of course i had to" he says taking off his shoes

"thank you.. come on lets go to my room?" sakuya nods at your request. his heart beating knowing hes about to confess his feelings.

----

"so this is my room!" sakuya looks around, he knew he liked the right girl but seeing your room made his feelings grow even more. he can tell your serious about astronomy.

you both settle into your room, ypu sit on you bed patting the spot beside you which he quickly takes. you both share the sweets he bought, laughing, making jokes and talking like yoh always do.

"wanna see your present?" sakuya gets uo and walks towards yohr desk to pick his present up.

you nod as he gives you the box. you start to open it feeling his eyes on you. a smile instanly lighting up your face as you pull out this pretty milky way snow globe, also a cute teddy bear hokding a heart. you hug sakuya thanking him for the gift.

"open the heart insidd the teddy bear" he says pulljng awat from the hug. listening to what he said, you open the heart. the heart read out

'I think I fell for you, so it’s only fair that you pick me up.'

"saku.. what?" you say looking up at him, face red.

"y/n, ever since that first day i saw you drawing a picture of that green star, i couldnt get you off my mind. i thought about- no i still think about you everyday, how you make me laugh, youre so pretty, smart, kind and.. i ended up falling in love with you. i love you y/n. can i be your boyfriend..?" sakuya says struggling to maintain eye contact, face heating up. you break into tears hugging him.

"yes of course, i wanna be your girlfriend sakuya. i love you too" sakuya hides his face in the crook of your neck and smiles to himself.

"youre the best person that has ever walked into my life" he whispers still hugging you. you break the hug to look at his face. you cant believe it. he's yours? the boy youve liked and known for 2 months confessed to you on your birthday.

sakuya cups your face in his hands

"can i kiss you?" you swear you couldve died in that moment. you silently nod not wanting to speak jist incase if you stuttered too much, or jist having your voice crack

he slowly inches his face closer. your lips meeting, his hand still on your face but his other dropping to lay on your lower back. you wrao you arms around his neck. the kiss only lasfed a couple of seconds but after he pulled away from the kiss you hide your face in his chest. you love him so much.

"this is the best birthday ever, thank you saku."

its crazy to think that you found your boyfriend all because of a green star.

[princess-hope-selfships]

Sorry to fill your inbox with another one of these, but the last anon made me want to say something:

I've self-shipped with a character from a major videogame series thats not as popular as the rest of the cast since 2019 and I sadly can relate to the last anon. I don't have any self shipping friends and became non-sharing after being bullied (even stalking) by several other self-shippers with the same character, including one on bluesky who called themselves a yumeshipper.

It sucks because people get so territorial over their F/O's and I get it, the bullying I've endured has also turned me into a non-sharer out of trauma. My art, in-game pics and more have always been overlooked and I've never let my non-self ship friends know that my OC is a self insert and have been playing it off as an OC for the longest time. I'm honestly kinda scared to interact with fandom again, and every time I get the confidence to, I get shot down or hurt by someone who ships with the same character. Over the past year a super popular artist moved to the fandom and started shipping with said character and they absolutely blew up to the point where even the official game's social media pages shared some of their art. I tried to befriend the person when they hosted an in-game event but when I went, their fans were rude to me and called me the "false" ship even though I wasn't ramming my ship at anyone, I was just trying to befriend other fans of said character via saying "hey I ship an OC with *name* too!". But it severely put me off trying to befriend people who are fans of that artist. People I know always link me to their art as they draw my F/O but I can't exactly tell people it triggers a trauma response in me and makes me extremely upset.

I just don't get how some of us with smaller or no audiences who use Self-Shipping to cope or self-comfort, are made to feel like shit when they try to branch out to meet likeminded people. It also doesn't help that as an autistic person that grew up emotionally neglected and with no support network, self-shipping is one of the very few ways I can make myself feel good about myself. Tbh I really wish I had some self-ship friends. But at the same time, stepping out back into fandom absolutely terrifies me because past experiences. Sorry for the ramble, but it just saddens me that there's more than just me who feel like this.

Oh anon, first of all I am so so sorry that participation in fandom left you with such awful memories and terrible feelings and TRAUMA even like this fucking sucks for you and I'm sincerely so sad that you have had to deal with that ):

Having the artist's fans call you the "false" ship is so devastating, that's so... I can't even like muster words for how childish and rude that was of them.

And the fact that you're sent stuff from that artist... gosh I'm sorry.

I would encourage you to ask people not to send you that artist's work though, even if you don't explain why. You don't owe anyone an explanation, and it's not worth toughing out the trauma response you get every time someone does, you know what I mean?

It's crazy how some people are so territorial over a character or a ship. It's honestly bonkers. Sincerely wish more people would block more freely instead of sticking around to bully others.

And also like sorry to ramble but I'm so tired of popular shippers getting a pass and people having the gall to "shun the false ship" like what kind of total loser do you have to be to make one shipper (selfship or not) feel like shit compared to what the popular shipper is shipping?? It's ridiculous. Fandom is so hostile to smaller fans and it's so fucking unfair.

Anyway, I'd better wrap this up before I shriek about it for another three years. But basically you deserve to enjoy your ship just as much as anyone else does. Thank you for sharing, you're so real for this and I am sending you so much love and so much strength, your f/o loves you dearly and you deserve support and love for your ship too 💖

[chunghasgirlfriend]

text your friends guys !!

ngl i have this friend that i had a complicated thing with, not directly but through my other friends. long story short, he had a thing with my two friends when we were in high school and in the end, they stopped talking to him and slowly i did too. not that he did anything to me, just that i didn't want my two friends to feel bad and i've learned to NOT do that. he didn't do anything to me, so i'm a little sad about that i pushed him away without saying anything.

we both graduated high school this year, so i had talked to him all throughout that and even learned that he now drives, lives in the area of our uni now, and has a girlfriend now. we exchanged phone numbers and just decided that if we wanted to hang out we could, or at least know someone from our county

but anyways i recconnected with him when he wished me happy birthday and we started talking again. it was actually super cool to talk again. we're both going to the same uni and we were were just talking about it, like schedules and stuff. and it just so nice to have a friend again.

i pushed everyone away because i just didn't feel like talking to any of my friends. even prior to the situation with him and my friends, I just slowly stopped talking to my friends and stopped making new ones at school because i was just tired. I mean the people i was around were people I knew since middle school and I was just tired of seeing them. i didn't want to call my friends nor did i want to text them.

so reconnecting with my friend was really nice. when I went to my orientation, and i met the girl who I now currently have a crush on (see my other posts lol), I told him about her and he even started to cheer me on.

Like imagine me, this is a dude I've been friends with since 7th grade. He's seen all messy sides of me and how I've changed throughout the years, and TRUST ME, how much I say change. From my interests to how I act to my sexuality, he's seen it all. And me to him also. I guess it's just I'm so glad that I have a genuine friend that I can rely on and just talk to. I'm a lesbian and he's a straight taken guy, so it's not like we're interested in each other. Which is kinda new to me bc I've had mostly female friends and most of them I was kinda into or at least willing to date, so it's nice to have a friend that I'm genuinely not into to confide in.

And it was his birthday and since I was still awake at 12 am, I decided to text him happy birthday like he did to me and it was nice. I updated him about me and girl I like (we're getting lunch with our familes together when we move in together !!!) and he updated me on spending time with his gf and buying furniture. Like dude, we're actually becoming adults !!! how crazy is that ????

this was someone I used to just talk about anime and drawing with at 12/13, what the hell do you mean I'm getting to talk to him about moving into college and him buying furniture for a house ????

it's just...I feel really happy now. I have cute girl I like who I also just really enjoy as my friend. She's just as delusional as I am in all the right ways and she's also lgbtq+. And now I also have a dependable friend that I can count on to hang out with. I'm a little scared to leave for college, but I'm also incredibly excited. My life is finally looking up after the pandemic basically decimated my high school experience.

Make sure to text your friends guys. If you're like me, too cynical + too self aware, and think everything you do is cringey, trust me, your real friends won't give a shit. Just talk to them, if nothing else, it's nice to talk with someone else and just catch up. Our lives are always going in different trajectories, but if we have company beside us, it makes life a little less intimidating.

I've definitely been caught up in relationships that make me ignore the importance of friends and I've always been someone to emphasize friendships, but I've never taken my own advice. But now, I feel it more than ever. Relationships are great, but don't just throw away important friendships, especially when you're two friends trying to figure out adult life with.

[your-ace-cousin-clover]

okay soooo... sorry for the delayed reply, i've been kinda busy!

i gotta start this off by saying how much i loved the way you wrote "[...] that feeling of wanting to reach divinity and holiness with your writing. The raw, exposed nerve of that writing." - it's hard for me to refer to writing as a hobby because it's such a substantial part of me, if that makes sense? or maybe that's just my codependent relationship to writing... whenever i don't write for a while i start feeling like a non-person! (ok, in hindsight this doesn't sound 100% related to the holiness bit, but that's what sparked the train of thought)

on for colored girls who have considered suicide - when the rainbow is enuf: i actually listened to a monologue from this a while ago on youtube, but I'll be sure to check out the full text!

also, on the topic of spoken-word & slam poetry: i'm going to a poetry reading at a friend's place later this month and it's nerve-racking. i mean, hey, of course i bleed into my poetry, and in theory i'm cool with that. but reading it aloud to a room half full of strangers? that's like lying on an operating table, flesh sliced open with surgeons over you. (i'm sure it'll be fun, though)

i've read primer for small weird loves and wishbone (because they're both included in richard siken's book crush - which is definitely worth the money (& btw, he has a new book coming out this year in fall/winter; thought i'd tell you in case you didn't know))! out of the two i like wishbone a lot more - although that's probably just because i relate to it a little bit more. i like making lists so i've compiled some of my favorite parts from the poem:

• "I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons [...]"

• "Let's not talk about it, let's just not talk."

• "[...] we keep doing it Henry, we keep saying until we get it right... [...]"

• "If you love me, Henry, you don't love me in a way I understand."

• "This is where the evening splits in half, Henry, love or death. Grab an end, pull hard, and make a wish."

it's crazy (well, not really, but you know) that you mentioned jericho brown, because we read something by him in english class a few years back and he's completely slipped my mind since then! so, thanks for reminding me :)

first of all, i love how duplex starts and ends with the same line - and this may be a reach, but it feels sort of like coming home? he introduces us to the line, we go away for a while, then we're back at the beginning. and maybe i just feel this way because for me going home is synonymous with going back home. (not always, but a lot of the time.) also, the contrast of "none of the beaten end up how we began" & the poem ending exactly how it began? i don't have the right words to explain what, but there's something that grabs me in that.

now, let's take a short detour because i feel like dropping some recs. here's two poets whose work i really enjoy: chen chen and jasmine ledesma (who i think is on tumblr, too? @/candiedspit if i'm not wrong). i'd specifically like to recommend (and hopefully hear you opinion on) chen chen's i'm not a religious person but & jasmine ledesma's short stories no candy, sorry and FIEND.

links (just in case the previous ones don't work):

i'm not a religious person but: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/58152/im-not-a-religious-person-but

no candy, sorry: https://tinyletter.com/jasmineledesma/letters/no-candy-sorry

FIEND: https://marchharemag.com/fiend

lastly, thanks for the prompt! i'll be sending you the poem in a separate ask (although i'm convinced it only makes sense if you're me) as to not make this one too long haha

-cat

Cat!

Sorry on the delayed reply on my side too. I've been sorta busy with a lot of stuff, but I had to drop in a message.

First of all, the poem? Iconic. It is so well written!!! Ahh! The way you use the numbers to count down all the things in a list sort of a format . And the splendid use of a clock ticking to signify the time coming closer and closer. It reminds of the Doomsday Clock which always reminds us that we are two minutes to complete destruction and in a way it is an inevitable destruction. "I'm one drink away from holiness and I'm not stopping" is such a vivid Ginsberg line that ahhh, it hits with the concept of the Beat Generation being these drunk, high poets who ultimately want to experience divinity through their intoxication and writing. And the ending with, "it's almost Valentine's- please tell your wretched heart I'm sorry." AGHH, the way the narrator tries to stop the inevitability of the sadness of romance?? Or being stuck in a relationship and trying to do better? The interpretations are left wide open and I love that.

[Let me know if you'd be okay with me sharing your poem? And oh, if you like to send me another prompt, I would love that.]

And I wanted to give you some advice on slam poetry performances, I have a bit of an experience with them. The surgical metaphor is indeed apt, there is some vulnerable to stand in front of a group of people to carve out yourself into words and see it take on a meaning for everyone differently. But, revel in that vulnerable state and see how that conveys meaning. Focus on a spot in the room and speak to it and let meaning take its own hold. And remember, even if you don't get the reception you are hoping for, hold onto the meaning that you initially wrote it with. How your poetry affects you in the end is what matters. And good luck! Let me know how it goes.

[I didn't know about the new Siken book. Do you know if it has a name? I'll have to look it up whenever it releases.]

Ahh, and I love the idea of listening favourite lines of poems, I might start doing that with my favourite poems too.

[Also, I know it's in the name, but there's something about the way Wishbone is written that it makes you keep as if you are splintering into bits and dissolving. Especially in the bit where he goes I wish you'd stop reminding about the debt because you can do nothing about it and even if you love me, it is not the way I want.; Please let me go, I cannot let you be in my debt anymore.]

Jericho Brown? Iconic. The cyclical nature of the form as well as it is sort of the same line all the while not being the same line is such a beautiful way to express the repetition, but all how each cycle in a way is different than the last one.

I loved Chen Chen's poem. The way God chooses to escape from his own reality through someone who does not believe enough in him to question him at first it beautiful. And what hits me is how God stops and creates a barrier again by sending the angel as soon as he is questioned in adjacent to his role in the universe. What interests me is how the atheist (I know it does not mention atheism directly, but close enough) is sent an angel and later meet with God, and therefore, the relation that they form is a meaningful bond between two individuals rather than being a power dynamic with the worshipped and the devotee.

There's something about Ledesma's stories about hopelessness in her both protagonists. In the same way, both are extremely tired of their circumstances and want to be somewhere else in perhaps a better versions of their selves. The scattered prose certainly draws it very strongly together.

And finally, to drop a rec of my own, let me know what you think of Ada Limon's "The Problem With Travel" and "Accident Report in the Tall, Tall Weeds." They both are very beautiful poems.

Hope to hear from you soon! :)

[titsthedamnseason]

Hey, idk if this is an unpopular opinion but I kind of need to get it out of my system: am I the only one that gets kinda sad over the way a lot of artists draw Dru? I was so excited to have such a great character be like me for once, not skinny and doesn't need to be. But I've seen so many artists basically drawing her with a skinny face, and somehow that makes me sad... It's just my facial chub has always been a great insecurity to me and I was excited to see someone that looked like me, so ya

i wouldnt say it’s unpopular so much as.....not talked about? but it is actually something i have been meaning to post about recently so i was glad you sent this ask!!

the thing is, a lot of artists got criticized when body awareness and acceptance was just arising and getting talked about more bc they were drawing fat characters as too skinny, and rightfully so. it was obviously due to the fact that they were promoting the ideology that skinny equates to pretty which is so so so obviously not the case and is so harmful to people that saw themselves being represented in those characters. 

there has somehow widely been this mindset that it’s gotten better, when honestly the opposite is true. the new thing that has replaced skinny would be drawing them as “thicc” which is not the same as fat. drawing a character described outright as bigger or fat as just being slightly ~oversized~ is so disgusting. draw some chubby cheeks!! give me those rolls!! stop drawing them half naked and posing as sexual objects in every single piece of art you make!! these characters are fat, most often proud of it or trying to gain more confidence ab it, and that deserves to be shown! 

im so sick and tired of seeing them scaled down and in like sports bras and shit like?? for one you cant still draw them as fat and wearing minimal clothing that’s cool and good but stop promoting the concept that to wear revealing or “sexy” clothing they need to be scaled down. it’s gross and im mad. 

this is an issue that ive noticed come up a lot more with dru lately, however it isnt new and happens with plenty of other characters (esp female) that are written to be fat / overweight. it drives me up the wall insane an i wish more people were talking about it bc it’s such an issue 

[tomitomitomi]

tw // depression

sunshine, we don't belong here

we got no flowers to grow

everything makes me so sad lately. Or not sad, just exhausted, maybe both, probably both. It all seems so overwhelming, every little thing towers over me like a death sentence. I think I'm getting depressed again, not in like the quirky tiktok way but in the 'this cannot be ok' kinda way. I've been here before and I know how it feels, yet, I can't bring myself to talk about it. I don't want to admit it. I don't want people to know I'm back at it yet again. Do I have no cure? Sometimes I think not. Everything I feel, I feel too deeply, too strongly, and it just tires me so much. I'd be listening to a song and tears pile up, then I'd be staring at a cloud that it's too pretty and I'd become sad because I can't have the kind of life that it has. I know it sounds stupid, but I guess I'd like to be a concept of some kind. I was talking to Bunny about it today, I told her I'd like to be that feeling you get when you find a little rainbow on the wall or floor and its really nice. I'd like that warmth and simplicity. On the opposite, I know myself to be too fiery and complicated, not delicate in the slightlest.

I think i might be thinking about dying again. It's nothing too strong so I'm not very worried. Some days ago I read that trauma survivors simply enter this passive suicidal mood permanently, like it really never goes away. I don't know if it's true, it could perfectly be a lie, but I gues that's how I feel, too. I've been thinking about harming myself a little. Well I guess I've been even doing it, in very subtle ways. Like, i won't take a shower until I'm disgusted with myself, or I won't turn on the heating and instead let myself be freezing cold for a while. I've been eating lots until I make myself sick. I'm never hungry anymore and food has started to disgust me, but I keep eating, cause that's what I do. I'm so fat and huge that I can't tell if the shortness of breath comes from my size or from the crippling social anxiety that I try so hard to overcome. The only thing I know for sure is that everything makes it hard to breathe. Even thinking. Mostly thinking.

I've also started to scratch my skin more. I've been producing some wounds, nothing too big, nothing that would stand out. I don't consider any of these real self harm because I've been doing stuff like this for years. It's like, if I'm not cutting, then it's ok. And I'm not. I won't. Though I want it, but not too badly. I just toy with the idea every now and then. But it's been years, long years since I last did it and I just know that it would be devastating if I relapsed. I wouldn't be able to stop. It would all go to hell.

Maybe i'd be happier if I had any money, but I know that's also a bad thing to wish for. I'd spend all of it on useless shit and it wouldn't make me feel better, at least not for more than 15 minutes after the purchase. Then I think, 'I'd be fine if I was thin' but then again, I don't feel like I can do it and I'm too embarrassed to even try. I go trough possibilities like dealing a deck of cards, looking for possible reasons. Deep down I know it's just me. There's always a different reason but the constant it's that I'm just too filled with nothingness. It can be temporarily put away, but it never really goes away. It just fades and then comes back, and it's going to be like this until it isn't, because I won't be anymore, either.

I'm not saying I truly want to die or anything. It just makes me exhausted to know I'll have to deal with this time and time again for the rest of my life. It almost makes me wanna quit. I wouldn't, because I know happiness now, too, and I don't wanna lose it. I don't wanna lose my wife or my friends or my family. I don't wanna miss the stories I wouldn't be able to write or read. All the ugly drawings I wouldn't be able to work on.

It's hard cause my life is beautiful and I want to enjoy it so badly. And I even do, sometimes. Some days I really do, but then I ruin it. Or my brain does, i don't know, and it doesn't really matter. It's just fucking depressing to know you have it all going on for you and you're still a (literal) ball of sick, disgusting nothing.

[jaeyooniverse]

Heyo, fantasy friend here! Oh roller skating at the park sounds like a lot of fun, how did it go?

Yeah... a pretty big chunk of the groups I'm into are getting to an age where the members have to start enlisting 😔 I've temporarily lost three biases to the military already and the time is coming when another (Youngbin) is going to have to go as well :( this is what I get for biasing mostly older members... At least enlisting earlier means they'll be back earlier though 😭 small comforts

It is super neat to figure out how things tie together! I love seeing the connections between things that seemed entirely different before and how they affect each other, it's really exciting 😄 ooh what kind of project is it? I imagine you use programming quite a lot especially with the AI stuff so good luck on that 💕 I'm cheering you on!

Ah I see you have a mindset kind of like mine 😂 I love learning so much and I would study everything if I could, it's too bad there's not enough time to learn about everything (not to mention the amount that would cost in tuition!) I think that's the one thing that would tempt me to seek immortality... imagine having unlimited time to discover more about the world and how it works, and people and how they work, and to explore places and ideas and skills... man it would be so cool!!

Omg that picture is so pretty!! It sounds like it was really awesome 😄 now I'm remembering the time I went camping in a redwood forest with my family and we hiked up to a waterfall, I had a lot of fun on that trip and the forest was beautiful 😌

There are a few tricks I use to stay cool but I think the easiest one is to take a cold shower and then not dry your hair afterwards (obviously dry it enough that it doesn't drip everywhere, but like... as little as possible), the water will cool you off and then since your hair is wet it won't act as insulation to keep your head warm, and as it evaporates that will also keep you cool! Another one is to use ice packs, those can help a lot.

Tbh I think the fires are a lot more dangerous than the earthquakes at least in my experience, I've never been in an earthquake big enough to cause any damage but there have been some really serious fires in my area that affected a lot of people including ones I knew so that feels like a more immediate danger to me - idk though, every place has its risks and benefits and I'm willing to put up with it haha

Hm I think I'm most excited for the music but also the MV, it seems like it's going to be really cool! I'm obsessed with aesthetics so I can't wait to see the whole thing 👀 and I bet the gifs and edits everyone's going to make will be amazing as well!! If there are any particularly awesome shots in the music video I might even draw something based on it, I haven't really drawn in ages but maybe this will be the thing that gets me out of my rut 😌 I'll almost definitely be making edits and/or moodboards though so I'm excited to do that as well!

Hope you have a good day! 💖

it went okay! i was scared i was gonna get caught in the rain bc the sky was kinda gray on my walk over there but it didn't, and the weather was pretty nice overall! i'm still learning so i was pretty much just going around in circles the whole time 😂 but it was fun ^^

aah pls i don't want to think abt it,, the thought of youngbin leaving,,,,, no😭😭😭 and yeah at least the sooner the go, the sooner they come back but..i'll miss them nonetheless :')

exactly!! i think thats what i like about math like so many things are connected, and it branches out into other disciplines like art and science it can be really cool to see the endless possibilities & connections 🤩

the project is about truecasing, which is basically (to my understanding) getting the program to return the proper casing (uppercase, lowercase, etc.) of a given word based on context and probabilities. it's helpful to use on text that might have misspellings or things that are typed all uppercase or lowercase (like texts/messaging). it seems pretty interesting! tho i did almost fall asleep when I was doing the reading last night, but i'll blame that on the fact that i was tired out from skating 😂😅 and yeah there's a lot of programming and i told myself I should do a lot of practice over the summer at the end if the semester and yet..ive barely done anything. which is why I was excited when my professor mentioned this project bc I really need to get back into things. thank you for cheering me on!! im rooting for you as well 😚❤❤

there's soooo much out there i really wish there was more time to study all the things we want freely (and without the pressure of doing it for a grade) and ugh yeah tuition costs...imagine how many more people would have degrees and just more knowledgeable about anything if higher education didn't cost so much. i feel like it really comes down to money 😭😭 like people don't get the highest education they want bc it costs so much, even if you want to study on the side you might not have time bc you have to work and earn money like.. we are not living in a society that properly promotes self-enrichment im so sad</33

ooh the hair trick sounds nice! i guess I've kinda done that before? and it was extra refreshing bc I washed my hair with mint shampoo so it felt really cool 😆 we don't have any ice packs but I bet those would be helpful maybe we should get some lol

yeah ive heard that most earthquakes aren't that dangerous but little kid me didn't understand that there could be non-threatening earthquakes 😂 oh the fires can get so bad it's scary 😥 i hope you stay safe out there <3

the mv does look really cool omg the shots are so beautiful! thatd be so nice if it'd give you some inspiration to get out of your artist block! honestly same here I havent drawn in so long I really want to get back into it. I can't wait to see what you create! 🥰

have a lovely day my lovely fantasy friend ! ♡

[frogsandfries]

🙈 Don't sketchbook shame me

I was sitting at work today, clattering away with my fidget toy, wishing I had my sketchbook, reflecting on how we're allowed something like three pieces of paper--which, a) is way more than my last job would've been if I'd ever returned to site, and b) is probably more than enough for a seven-hour shift. And we're kind of allowed to doodle. Additionally, I don't know about my colleagues, but no one came through to harass me about having too much stuff on my desk or whatever. I kinda don't expect too much pushback over having a piece or two of paper with something a little more substantial than some doodles.

However.

I thought I might also like something that passes, more or less, as scratch paper, just in case I do end up needing to take notes.

Additionally, on the one hand, I probably wouldn't get away with bringing my whole-ass sketchbook on the floor. On the other hand, wouldn't it kinda be better if I didn't? It's not a great sketchbook. It's the absolute perfect size, but the paper is garbage.

So anyway, the whole point being, I bought a pack of printer paper. Brought it home, immediately began the process of making a new sketchbook.

This would be the third sketchbook I've devoted to my Final Lineworks™. However! I decided, mostly out of sheer embarrassment at my own inability to finish sketchbooks for this project, to incorporate some of the pages from the dot grid notebook so that I'm not entirely starting a new sketchbook and entirely abandoning another.

Normally, I would have folded a buuuuuunnnnnnnnccccccchhhhhhhhhh of signatures, but since the point isn't immediately to make a book, but for now, just to have groups of pages to draw on, I just made a few signatures to start with, one sheet of dot grid paper to three sheets of printer paper. And I guess I'll stitch them together, probably as I go. It'd be a huge disappointing, inconvenient shame to lose thirty or so frames at a go because I wanted to wait till.........I had "enough" or till I had a certain number of sheets or pages or whatever. Not sure if I want to go for a huge, ridiculously thick book or a more modest book, but I'm also not sure how long I'm going to keep this job. I don't really feel like I need to make more linework until I've mostly caught up on coloring and finishing frames-- honestly, I feel spread a little thin with all the various parts of this story that I'm trying to get into order. I'm steadily taking all the scenes and outline/summary bits and getting them written out for myself onto sticky notes, which I'll then organize by order, and then condense into new and final and linear and clean material. I'm excited to receive my new corkboards, even if I'm sad that these, I probably won't be covering in fabric. Maybe I could get some gesso and acrylics--holo glitter and neon and metallic ha ha. Seriously, little bottles of acrylic are only like a dollar apiece and I'd only need two or three bottles, and gesso, and I can just paint them with fun, geometric shapes. Anyway. I have to buy push pins if the corkboards are going to serve their purpose.

If this is rambley and doesn't make any sense, I'm seriously too tired to think. I should've gone to bed like three hours ago.