#kinda hate how much tumblr doesn't want images to be small anymore though

[pyreflydust]

Okay time to look at the baby

[miiserableee]

DREAM FOR ME ! series ; ( SCARAMOUCHE x f. reader !! )

mentions of reader liking to play a whole lot and hating long dresses / attires . ooc-ness expected of scara once again ! mentions of self harm , poorly written gore , suicide , attempts at suicide . please proceed with caution on the parts im gonna set warnings again .

SEVENTH ENTRY ! one is being weird , the other concluded .

"I KINDA WANT IT TO RAIN ."

with just those notions , not even the term wish or any actual act of serious wishing anymore , it rains . no , scaramouche shakes his head . "It's been raining since we both awoke , Y/n ." the crisp of the pages was long gone . you've been turning it , probably not but , you looked like you've been reading it repeatedly over the days too . he didn't really want to just ask and decided to try and just figure out why you keep on looking at it , by himself . it was nothing special though , the book he means , it was just compiled pages about butterflies . how long they get to live , how pretty they are , how many color combinations for their wings are there .

totally mediocre , he couldn't find any sort of reason why you'd spend more than a few minutes looking at these pages of words in fonts so small . well , the fonts used were pretty , the images printed along some spaces too .

"Right ? It's like magic !" he says nothing again . you once commented on how the him you've come to know from tumblr and wattpad headcanons ( whatever those are ) is loud , and degrading , morally gray and indoubtedly merciless in every way . what kind of drug exactly got you liking , whatever that him is . "Don't you think so , Scara ?" you keep pushing it , he can't help but get out of his silent hole . "Yeah , sure ."

your silence is what got him looking up from where his eyes focused themselves on the yellowish old-smelling pages of that butterfly analogy book you've been sticking your head on for days . you weren't doing anything that abnormally can't be compiled with all your other abnormals , but it was still , different .

you just silently staring from outside the one side swung heavy door of the church . he once thought that this structure was no different from all the others ; with doors that can't be opened yet design totally unmatched . surprisingly enough , when you do push said door after your morning skips through the paved stone floors , it opened .

the church was not that special but the way you acted when you entered was . he could still vividly see the way your eyes dulled the moment it laid upon the very front , before you spun and laid your shoulder upon the wooden huge door and stayed still there . looking at the downpour like the loud falling of raindrops were in any way amusing .

he's heard about how your mother often liked to parade you around during sundays . in church . dressed in such long clothes you hated . "Didn't you say you hated long dresses ?" he prompts , despite the mentioning of said preference being asked around days from now , he was sure you still remember how you said it to him .

his eyes darted on the dress he was speaking of , what length it had back then that only covered down to your knees is close to engulfing half of your calf . it's not like he minded , it's better now that your dress doesn't show too much when it sways with the freezing airs . it's just odd that it changed by how it gradually got longer , and you never seem to mind it , despite how you always poke at him about his long attire .

"Yeah , I did ."

"Are you saying you don't anymore ?"

"Nah , I still do ."

you weren't looking at him , he could only force his harsh freezing staring at the stretch of your back . you have gone and sat down the red carpet , just there , gazing at the pouring rain . he worries you wouldn't be able to hear him any longer with that loud downpour going on . you still seem to be able to answer though .

"Then , why aren't you trying to change up that long dress of yours ?" he's started to snatch a few things from the book you always read out of oftentimes to him about his clothes and unexpectedly , you turn to him . your eyes looking a lot blurry in his , "Because it's freezing , Scara . Rainy season ." you even removed one of your hands clasped on your crossed legs as you point at the weather outside . "Real cold , no ?" 

it's not just that issue with your dress somehow getting longer and longer . there's also the undeniably noticeable drain of color in your face whenever he mentions or even try and touch the hem of your dress . you'd be all up pressing it back against your thighs and wincing and he would be so confused as to why you're acting so defensive when he's just trying to remove a few leaves stuck or straighten it back as it's weirdly pressed from whichever odd way you sat again . usually you'd be the one all over him .

there were a lot of suspicious going-ons with you . including the disappearing of yours every night ever since you kept barging in his room . in the middle of said night , he'd stir up and notice you weren't there . thinking he's just hallucinating , he'd up and console his anxiousness with interrupted slumber . you come back though . quite the relief and mystery to him . your feet would be wet . leaving tracks and sloshing sound as you droop down the futon again . you'd often mumble things he just couldn't make out even after long piecing that led to involuntary sleeping . he was finally able to have the right gears turning for him though , last night . the same plopping on the bed , the same wet feet , but not just a desperate exasperated mumbling . the slur was mixed with a choked sob , he could faintly remember the way you clutched at his pillow . faintly because he had it caught lidded eyes .

what stuck to him most was your saying of , "I'm running out of time ." with the most cracked voice and desperate yet talently taken care of escapee cry .

he didn't know what that meant , but he was sure he could hear a few more sniffings until it drowned along the solemn silence . the next day , you were , just fine . waking him up early morning the same way you've been long doing . a hand on his arm and head hovering above his as you mouth the same words , the same as yesterday , and the day before that . "Wake up Scara ! It's mornin' !"

at some point , he more so wonders why you like shortening words when it's not that hard to say the ning in morning instead of just ending it with a nin . he always seem to forget to ask that . but in another sense , he really just didn't want to . like how he didn't want to ask what you are running out of time for .

"What are you doing ?" it took many rustling and barely audible steps for him to speak up about  your sorry excuse of stealth . "Preparin' to draw ." his eyes were closed , leaning on the beige olden walls , but even with that , it didn't mean his other sense were of lack of use as your vocals . since when were you capable of such low voice ? you'd usually say everything you do and want so loud , it's almost like he has to go thru a broken tape all groggy and messed up that he can't seem to throw out .

"On what ?"

"You ."

the lids of his eyes instantly rising up . his head on front turn and he looks at you from where he is seated on the chairs in the middle of the inside of the church . "Me ?"

"Yeh ."

you were shuffling , looking for something , your body seem more tense than usual . he keeps that notion in mind . he places back his head to turn on front , knowing that you were on your way next to him anyway . "Like tattooing and shit . Nii-chan and I used to do that when we were kids . My face would be filled and you know ! There's was even one time where we accidentally used permanent ink markers and had to skip three days of school because it just wouldn't come off !!"

what's with that somber smile ? it's pissing him off . "Wipe that off ." it could've come out more as a form of scolding but it fled from his lips as a whisper , barely heard by you . the confused hm ? that left you was only for the way he proceeded to hold unto your chin and wipe something off of your lips with a swipe of his thumb's tip . that look of i hate seeing it  was there , he was sure you saw it too , but after than giving back a gaze of   what ? to return his , he seemingly realized that you probably didn't get it . and here he thought you'd be one to actual know the expressions you project . maybe not .

he clears his throat , rather roughly . you pat his back lightly as if that'd do anything to the seeping confusion from you that passed unto him . why did he do that ? he shakes his head , you didn't notice . "So , have you found whatever materials you need for this , drawing ?" he moves away his hand on your chin to try and encase more distance in between you two but you just moved further to him , grinning as you rose both your hands and he sees you holding a miniature glass that looks to be an urn , which seemed oddly familiar to him . said glass is tucked tight by some seal , what's sealed are ink as dark as his lashes , as thick looking as them as well .

on your other hand is two moderately sized paintbrushes . the tips held great semblance to that of the softest looking threads of hair , probably plucked out of a goddess' head—the brush itself stood straight on your fingers , looking like a piece of belonging and crafted only for professional artists . well , whoever made said brushes better off not ask which is now owning them .

"Let's jot down our skins by the river ?" he doesn't say anything again . he likes keeping his lips pressed tightly closed as you opt to talking more that way . that look in your face though , it's forcing him to speak up . so he thinks . drawing with raw ink and paintbrushes by the church you seem to hate yet subtly cherish , would be bad . the proof of said subtle cherishing would be how you didn't let yourself in since your dress earlier was more wet by the rain than his attire was . well , he did skip playing around in the open , under the said pouring .

he need not think more the moment those e/c of yours showed a sheen of fading glint again . oh that loveable glint  . he breathes . "By the river ."

by the river , by the side of the bridge , a huge kalakuchi tree is rooted . it wasn't as big as the sakura tree in the sakura-site , but it was enough to shield you away from the rain as you draw on yourselves . there was a door in the transportation-contraption for said kalakuchi tree . the one in the church is at the back of the stage where the podium is , while on said tree it is on the very side of the stoned silver gleaming bridge .

the rain got somewhat calmer , than how it ever was when he awoke . you were awake first , again . and when he asked you about it , since he deemed it as a rare occurrence , you just giggled roughly at him as you said , you should've seen how it was before you woke up .

"Are you worried about something ?" you asked him , as you laid the black pretty looking silk linen on the green grass of the kalakuchi's unders . you seem to care about this place a lot . he sat down when you look up at him and patted on his spot .

"Are you really asking me that ?" he shots back , if anything , he didn't have to worry about anything anymore , not when he's here secluded from everything else . all worries he can have and spend time stressing on , could only ever be possibly pinned down to you . but you seem to not know that too . "Yeah , you keep looking at me like I'm hiding something from you ." you weren't looking at him again . almost always every time you ask question he'd want to see how your face retort to when you ask , you're either looking down doing something , or purposely not looking at him .

"I'm no—" he pauses as a certain stinging nestled in his throat . he hates it when that happens . it's almost like , the pact you two made , where it's that he can't lie when he answers to all your question , is not something he can't function against . everytime he try to sway his facts with lies , his throat would just tighten and he couldn't speak . that also pisses him off , but again , he kept it to himself . "But you are , aren't you ? Hiding something . From me ."

it almost felt like he was pushing needles through the roof of his mouth when he said that , but you calmly lifted your wrist , ink on the white of your brush , the rim brown getting corrupted black . "I am . But don't get all distant because of it . I'm just preparing a surprise , that's all ." he closes one eye at the cold feeling of your small left hand on his , you drew a small flower on the back of his joint and grinned . "Does it look like the kalakuchis ?" he looks up . then back to his hand . before snorting , releasing such noises that soon eloped to a laugh . "Looks nothing like it ."

you went on like that . you drew on him . he drew on you . he soon started shaming himself for putting ink on your pure white dress but you only laugh and said that it didn't matter since you have tons more in his closet . so why was it that every morning when you two awoke there will be a wrung white dress in the river , flowing with the cold water , and you'd be lifting it to dry ? why was it , that every morning he'd find himself staring at it flowing by the river again ?

he silently draws a teardrop on your cheek , making sure none of the ink could dribble down your lips or seep through your eye . now you looked like you were crying . he smiles to himself . "Hey—I thought you said no drawing on the face ???" he shrugs   leaning in and closing his eyes as if he was saying to draw on his too . finding it fair you did as he gestured .

"You know I've always wanted to draw a di—" he clasp a hand at your mouth and looked at you like he was about to suffocate you to death if you were to continue . you can't held the way you burst into a loud laugh , all coming out muffled . before you moved his hand down . "Di—luc chibi ! Scara , you're surprisingly dirty minded ! Of course I'd never draw deez nuts on your face ." he rolls his eyes and your laughter erupts down to a fallen giggle . drawing said chibi on his face .

"If you were ever in love , Scara , how do—"

"I don't know ."

"Oh c'mon , I haven't even finished ???"

he grunts , dipping his brush . "You know I wouldn't know even if it's a what if . I've never fallen in love before ." you slump your shoulders like you were down , defeated by his words but you kept it up again . "But I really wanna hear what you'd think . It's a yes or no question ! Simple , very ."

he drew small crosses and exes on the other side of your eye and just darts his eyes to the side as if to announce that yeah , sure whatever , do what you want is  what he has to say . you nod , clearing your throat , as if mocking the same way he did in the church . "If you were ever in love , hmmmm , wait , nah , let's not go there . You have a creator , right ? And you like em , even if just a bit , right ?"

he nods , letting you draw whatever you were drawing on his wrist . "If by chance you have a person , just a level lower than the like you feel for your creator—like , you don't tots love them but they're still kinda important—what do you think would be the best way to approach a situation where they just go away ?"

"Go away ? In what sense ?"

"Like , never coming back ."

he shrugs , feeling a pit in his stomach open and gobble up his emptiness , the already there black hole and the newly opened one , trying to gobble each other up . you continued , "Would you wish to forget them for good , or just , keep them at heart ?"

he doesn't have a heart . it's wrong to assume such a thing from him , but he was used to you assuming . he knew a lot of things about you , all because koe couldn't handle his continuous questioning , maybe that's why he's so silent when he's with you . since he's used up all his words when he's left along here with koe . he stuck out another freezing sigh . "I'd rather forget about them . It'd be better off to not remember ."

somehow , your silence riled up a train of panic in him . he immediately realized your question , after last minute analyzing . looks up at you like he was telling you thru his eyes that no that's not what he meant . assuming himself that you were trying to ask him how he'd put up with you leaving . frustrating himself that he even have the courage to be worrying . he shouldn't be caring about you .

"I see . I get it . I wish I can forget a lot of things in life too ." but that forced smile of yours , is like a magnet , dragging his worry's potential energy to be spent on you . he turns his eyes aside . "Must be hard ."

after that , you asked more questions . what he felt like when he was created . what he felt like when he met his creator . what he felt like when he came here . what he felt like when he met you . the raining eventually got stronger again . you suggested to play in the rain and get wet to rinse the drawings off , before you two head to bed . the sun again , have set . time flows so much faster when you're around .

as you pranced along your way to the sakura-site , which just a bridge and street away , you had the silk black linen draped along your waist , hiding your legs even more . he couldn't help but stare why you did that instead of putting it up your head or something . you accused him jokingly of ogling and he bonks your head with a huff . your nervous laugh was the same as when you two were on your way to the church , playing thru the rain . when he points out that you were wet , and something seem to be peeking through your legs , somewhat red , you immediately bent down to sit . saying that it was nothing .

what was it , really ?

"There you go again ." your voice , was it always this faint ? or was it just the rain ? yeah , it's just the rain . he walks past the you that has ink dribbling down your face , not like he was any different . "Let's just hurry ."

when you two got to the transportation-contraption , you held unto his hand when he kept staring at it . he had been particularly eyeing that right hand too , you haven't been giving him a chance to look at it . just when the same black out and falling ish went on , the two of you , who's gotten a bit used to it , just stood . he felt you sway and land on his shoulder tho . you didn't move away , you stayed there . "Tired ?"

he asks , you hum . "A bit ." and just then , the lights are on and you're both back at the library . "Dry off ." he says , tossing a towel atop your head as he wipes himself . "You're gonna freeze to death ." he continues , since you just looked at him . eyes looking all dead . "Y/n ." he urge , and that's when you blinked . "Yeah , uh , towel ?" his brows knit at each other , almost up for some crocheting . he walked to you and dragged the towel off the crown of your head and started drying you off himself . "You're being such a bother ."

he couldn't see you with your hair all over your face like that   but you did mouth a sorry and he silently conjured an it's fine . you blew raspberries as some hair got stuck to your mouth . "Can I borrow another hakama ?" he tosses you one .

"You didn't eat today ." he could hear you stop rustling , and he could've looked back if he didn't know you were in the middle of changing . he was too , but he was quicker than you . the silence was louder than any shouts of WOOOHOOO you've ever had him hear . before he could mouth your name again you say something , ". . . I don't have it in me to eat anything . Yeah , that . Did you want to eat ?"

you turn the conversation around as you latch on his neck . lifting your legs and just staying there . he fixes his clothes you've dragged back and shook his head . "I'm never hungry ." he could feel you smile as you sunk your head on top of his shoulder . "I figured ."

"Are you sleeping , Scara ?"

"I am about to , so please do considering shutting up ."

"And if I don't ?" he sighs , focusing on closing his eyes . "Then don't ." you laugh again . you've been laughing too much today . "I'll shut up ." again with the still of everything . when he hears rustling and moving , he immediately turns to look at you whom was readying for a moment of standing . "What ?" you ask . "Where are you going ?" he asks back .

you gave this irked look , probably wondering why even cared . "I wanted some water . Did you want some too ? Need to go to the bathroom ? What ?" he wished you didn't notice the slight panic in his eyes , the way it eased up when you answered that you were just getting water . he shakes his head , for the umpteenth time today , "Nothing , hurry along ." you flash him another look before hurrying along .

as soon as he heard the wooden door sliding , closing and shutting he sighs so loud the whole place shakes . "What am I doing ." that wasn't a question , it was more of a wonder at that point .

WARNING !! PLEASE PROCEED WITH UTMOST CAUTION , THE NEXT PART OF THE CONTENT IS FILLED WITH THE WRITINGS OF SELF HARM AND CONCEPT OF SUICIDE & SUICIDAL ATTEMPTS !! its also very confusing , so there's that . you might want to drop the series now while you still can !

you stare at the dead of the sky . no , you stared at how the pink flowers patched up it's dead lights . you heaved another sigh . holding the blade a lot more tighter than before , it's so inconvenient that the only blade around had broken it's holding casing and now you have to touch its sharp parts directly against your grip . the sting it gives as it grinds against your skin doesn't at all compare to what you were inflicting on your thighs .

you choke back a sob as you slit another line against your thigh . forgetting that you've already done that and now not just the skin but even your flesh is getting cut . you cry . "A-agh , fuck . . ." it was all useless .

the wounds weren't healing . in fact , you knew of this yesterday night already . they just continued bleeding and aching and you didn't even feel like moving around anymore . they hurt so bad .  you stare at the red dripping on the stoned floors , staining a few of the fallen pink petals , you shake your head as if that in any way could rid of the tears blurring your blurring sight .

you stare at the wounds you've done to yourself . unlike the past you who would've cried the moment your skin seem to patch and heal itself , the you now was crying because that magic isn't happening anymore . instead of the you back then that cursed and wished that when you tied a noose around your neck you'd run out of breath and not defy the human anatomy and just hang there , the you now can't even begin to imagine lacking air , any less , dropping eead .

just as your body in the real world declines , so does the one here . and you knew that , koe told you already . the moment you awoke here instead of heaven , ( or maybe hell , no one can rlly tell ) when you knew you should've been dead since you did collide with an eight-wheeler . koe said , very clearly .

"You're dying , Y/n . Isn't that great ?"

and the you then that didn't even know what was going on and was belittling the situation just asked , "Huh ? Shouldn't have I been dead already ?"  if koe had any sort of physical form , then you would've seen them shrugging . "You're unconscious right now , a day's passing and you're dead . But since you are an object of pity , it is digged that your time here would be a few more days . Cool , right ?"

you grin to yourself . "For real ? So I just gotta wait ? I'm dying ? Fucking finally !"

oh how you ate your words . koe didn't mention that , since you're practically nearing your deepest ends , all what life should've been able to spend , is now tolled on you so your senses in the real world and in your realm have also collided .

you could hear your brother's cries and shouts , you could almost see him rampaging to your parents that declined to put in an effort to fuck up those students that led you to this , obviously they were belittling the situation as you are . if you close your eyes and focus , you could see how he's crying , haggard , face still pretty , but anguish and wary all over his bloodshot eyes . he hasn't slept or rested , eaten or anything . and you had no more than an hour left . you couldn't even tell if that's a good thing for him or you at that point or what . the indifference fraying like the antique felts in your oldtown basement . you could hear his cries of Y/n , come back , please , don't leave me like this . and you'd be wondering if what was happening was in any way worth celebrating .

of course , since you were stubborn , you weren't that afraid . you've wanted this , all this long while . you've always had . everytime those disgusting men tried to molest you . everytime your mother shouted at you . everytime your classmates treat you like shit . everytime your brother flashes you that pitiful gaze . everytime the world just seem to be the darkest place you could ever be . dying is an escape .

you only notice the grave you'll be put in , when you had a few days left . few days . you really didn't mind how scaramouche was ignoring you , or how he was avoiding you , you knew that was for the best . but as time clicked and ticked and you think , the idea of spending your last given days like this , felt so lame .

so you chased after him . deciding to use him to fill and check some wishes on your bucketlist . not like you had much in it . completely forgetting how his entire being have already carved such deep scribes on your heart . said carvings just got deeper and deeper , until you were choking upon realizing that you wouldn't be able to feel how amazing it'd be to have your heart carved the way his entity wanted it to be .

you actually didn't know how many days you had left .

tots had no idea . so koe dropped a hint . koe liked seeing you suffer . "Once one of the things that you could never do or make happen in this place , takes place , then , your time's ending ."

you didn't have any idea what else could be prominently witnessed to be changing or differentiating other than the fact that you can't be harmed , here . the reason not only because you've most spent all times just messing around , or that this realm is almost just like the real one , but because you've always tried harming  yourself here . you once hated the fact that even when you're sleeping , you're awake in you're dreams . but yeah , your wounds would always heal , you'd stay immortal . knives were like plastic and your skin was like steel . as said earlier , you knew since you've tried , a couple of methods to die . you've never even drowned . you felt like a mermaid once , until that got boring too . who can blame you ? the river's got nothing for it but shimmering rocks , one swipe then it'd be transparent , like an obscure looking diamond .

you figured cutting yourself would do the trick . but as there is the chance that it wouldn't heal , you did the strikes on your thighs . the first day , you were able to cut yourself , but the cuts took longer to heal .  it started like that , it healed , it didn't hurt . next it hurt , then it bled , too much . scars appeared . then , it just didn't heal . like right now .

it just continued bleeding and hurting like shit .

you slashed yourself again . deeper than all the rest . and oh boy did you shriek . fuck , that was stupid . you knew it wouldn't heal no matter the depth of the cut . you tried to take a breath in . the dress was more soaked in red than usual . will the blood still come off from the rivers flowing works or will it stay like that forever ? will scara finally notice ? he's been observing you a lot more than usual .

ah , you wished he figured out by the bled draped dress , or the cuts that have barely closed and kept out of his sight by poorly circled bandages . never did you want him to see , just how disheveled you were , with the blood still pouring like the tears from your eyes , and the hope escaping along with it all .

the rain poured even harder . like how your mind screamed a mantra of no as his figure became clearer .  if it wasn't for the downpour , you wouldn't have doubted , that he ran his way to you which resulted to his ragged breaths . hands clasped around both your shoulders , he shook you like his life depended on shaking back life in your eyes . the same way you shake emotions in him . he was unsure of what was going on , you know . the way his eyes shook said it all . he looked down to the blade you've dropped and the bleeding mess on your thighs . there were more cuts on the left than the right .

with a shaky breath , and trembling hands , his face dripped with the rain drizzling so hard from atop , crumpled was his face into an expression you couldn't conclude as anything else but a dismaying mix of worry , pity , and fear . he looked like he was about to cry , wow , you made scaramouche look like that . you couldn't even try to joke your mind into numbing it all again like you've always had . point inched more as your ears rung as he says next , in the most gentle yet panicked way possible , "Y/n , Y/n , Y/n . No , what the fuck is this—What is going on ?!" 

you can't seem to try and lift the side of your lips for him anymore .

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