#kazoo's spine is broken

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME SORROW-SCOPES FROM TWITTER (PART THREE)

"Positivity is a state of mind. Unfortunately, you'll never be able to afford to live in that state."

"This is a great week to come out of your shell and reveal your soft, delicious underbelly to nearby predators. Wait, pretend you didn't hear that second part."

"Today you will receive an affectionate, supportive visit from someone close to you. They will come into your home unannounced and say kind platitudes in a soothing register. After they leave, it will slowly dawn on you that they never once blinked or breathed."

"They say laughter is the best medicine but this week you'll really need penicillin. However, you won't get it in time."

"Your fortune will change for the better this week as you drop from number 3 to number 5 on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list."

"The good news is you finally discover that you are no longer alone in the world. The bad news is you need to hire an exterminator."

"Be like water. Sink down into an underground aquifer and stay hidden for centuries."

"It always seems impossible until it's done. Except in your case, you can't do anything."

"Crying in public is nothing to be ashamed of. And everyone needs a hobby."

"You feel superior to the people who get depressed in fall and winter because you can be depressed in beautiful, abundant sunlight."

"You'll finally grow a spine this week. This is not a metaphor, this is a violation of human cloning laws."

"What doesn't kill you will camp out in the hills and patiently wait."

"Instead of trying to improve your life, you're reading this and doing nothing."

"Like a ship on a storm-wracked sea, your future will feature shivering timbers, foamy waves, and the possibility of scurvy. Eat some fruit."

"Did you remember to look in the roomba for any incriminating evidence?"

"New day, new you! Hide the body of the old you before they figure out what you have done."

"You will find love this week! It will be fucking terrible."

"Someone will offer you the moon this week. Decline politely because you do not want someone with that kind of technology angry with you."

"You'll be like a kid in a candy store this week, unable to afford anything."

"You will awake one morning from uneasy dreams to find yourself transformed in your bed into a gigantic insect. And buddy, it'll be a huge improvement."

"The weekend is just another reminder of how sad and lonely your life is."

"Might as well go into the forbidden woods, what else is there to do at this point?"

"You will not die alone. You will die surrounded by a crowd of sheering onlookers as you slowly lose consciousness."

"You being yourself isn't really working for anybody."

It just says ferret problems, ghost bones, and a cheese hangover, so good luck with all that."

"Don't feel bad about failing. No one cares enough about you to notice."

"The cruel little voice in your head is right about you. It's also super fun at parties and has twice as much sex as you."

"You notice that birds start to line up to stare when you go outside. You finally ask why and one crow lays a map at your feet. You follow the map and it leads to a broken vending machine. Inside the vending machine is a Crystal Pepsi. Anyway, life is pain."

"You do not have a doppelganger. You were a mistake that was not repeated."

"A transformation is coming, but not like a butterfly. More like werewolf."

"You are going to ruin your life this week, but no one will be able to tell the difference."

"In the symphony of life, you are playing the kazoo."

"Don't let your negative feelings about the past affect your negative feelings about the future."

"If at first you don't succeed, try giving up and going back to bed."

"You will turn over a new leaf this week, but the other side will have a little sticker that says 'you are incapable of change'."

"Um, better luck next life, I guess."