#kale if u read this make icons of me so when i front while ur home i can use them!!!!!!!!!

[reading-myself-to-death-blog]

Throne of Glass: Chapter 1

Okay, I picked this book to start off with because I read it a million years ago at the ripe young age of 12 and haven’t read it since. All I remember is I hated it then so let’s see what happens now!

(On a side note, this is my blog, my opinion, and my post. If you don’t like people critiquing your series because you like your little bubble of perfectness, just move on. No one is forcing you to read my post!)

So we start this hell book with an introduction of our main character. Selena….celania….kalinia….CELAENA(Ding, ding–correct). She’s so cool she must be escorted by like 25 guards cuz she be so deadly…n…stuff…

“Most of the thousands of slaves in Endovier received similar treatment—though an extra half-dozen guards always walked Celaena to and from the mines. That was expected by Adarlan’s most notorious assassin.”

So, let me get this straight. She has to be escorted from the salt mines to whatever pile of dirt she sleeps on by like 25 guards? Not to mention, other slaves who are convicts (like thieves, murders, and the like) get the same one on one treatment I’m assuming as per the text says? (Not as much as her but the text does seem to be saying this in a way that other prisoners get escorted like her back to their own dirt pile.) Does this salt mine also breed guards so there is like 50,000 guards or something? How is any of that even practical? Why not just put them in some obscure dungeon and throw away the key at least then you don’t have a million guards on pay role. (Did the author forget that like guards get paid?) Or, better yet, kill them and be over with it?

Oh wait I forgot Celaena is spweshilll u can’t kill heeerr!!! Dat would be so mean of uuuuu...

Next, we get the first bonk over the head about Cinderella Celaena being the best assassin to ever even assassin like ever. Thanks, book. Not even one damn page in and u already got my back about the priorities and making sure I know that you have the best assassin ever to come onto a page. I would have never guessed that she was DA BEST if it wasn’t for you and your subtle blatant hints of this.

She is being led through a maze of halls and stairs to try to confuse her or something. One paragraph she is like “Oh, they are gonna get me so I’ve lost all direction and I’ll never be able to find me way out!!” Then literally the next paragraph is all dramatic like “IF I WAS STUPID LOL I KNOW WHERE I AM….SUCKERS” and for some reason the idea of all this makes her insulted but she feels bad for how much the guards are trying she isn’t insulted anymore.

She is so nice, guys like seriously! So nice she doesn’t feel insulted that the guards are terrible at their jobs.

Or something idk.

She has this crazy idea that the hooded guy escorting her is confusing her by wearing black clothes because there couldn’t possibly be any other reason why he’d wear black clothes except to trick her. She calls this idea flattering. For some reason. Another thing that the author doesn’t elaborate as to why our main character has these feelings. She’s just flattered. At his clothes. At him. At the idea of him confusing her maybe?  

“But her ears pricked when he’d introduced himself as Chaol Westfall, Captain of the Royal Guard—”

I just wanted to put this in here because her ears ‘pricked up’ like a dog or some shit and I find that funny.

Next, we get a monolog about how she doesn’t let herself be afraid anymore and we get the iconic over dramatic “I WILL NOT BE AFRAID” thing—SKIP!

She ends this monolog with “Not that she’d let the captain know any of that.” Because the two of them are gonna totally have afternoon tea together and somehow the conversation will come up about being afraid of things and you’ll pour this all out in an unrealistic way on ur first date and he’ll think you’re crazy for talking to yourself about being unafraid and then he’ll block you on FB—woah was I going off on a tangit? Where was I??

The next paragraph is her remembering how pretty she once was and how now she was ugly -insert a million frowny faces-

               “She was frightfully pale beneath the dirt. It was true that she had been attractive once, beautiful even but—well, it didn’t matter now, did it?”

You don’t say, huh? If it didn’t matter, why waste your word count even bringing it up???!?!?!

She notices Qual? Kale? Chowl? Chaol staring and smiles for some reason and the author doesn’t really explain why. Which I think is dumb. If you’re gonna have your character smile, at least be decent and inform me why they’re smiling all slyly like she seems to like to do.

The two knuckleheads have a conversation in which cinderella Celery (That is her name now.) is thinking about how fun it would be to kill him and how it was “Lovely” to hear a voice like her own from someone. EVEN THO HE’S A NASTY BRUTE N STUFF. (Seriously that’s in the text)

We even get a whole thing about how once she killed a person and the stickiness of the dude’s blood on her hands and face. So cool, much assassin. Now, do it! Make this book interesting!!!

Not gonna assassin for me? Not even a little? Every assassin like thing she’s going to is…going to stay in her head??? Okay…fine. So much for world’s best assassin or whatever your title is. More like world’s least assassin like assassin.

For some reason, Chaol gets mad at her for looking at him. Touchy boy, amirite?

Celery gets mad when Chaol doesn’t tell her where they’re going. As if he’s going to. Such an idiot. First rule of escorting a prisoner, you don’t tell them where you’re escorting them. How did she not know this?

She has yet another fantasy about killing him. BUT the hall is too loud so can’t do that. THOSE DARN HALLS!!!! Stopping assassins since….when did this book come out?

“While some prisoners were people accused of attempting to practice magic—not that they could, given that magic had vanished from the kingdom—these days, more and more rebels arrived at Endovier.”

Let’s talk about this passage for a hot minute. We get the first idea that there are people here in the salt mines, accused of practicing magic. But then it’s like: but you can’t cuz no magic—magic gone totally from land ya sad times yo. So, like, what is it? Do people now this? Is it common knowledge that the magic is completely gone? If so why are people still trying to summon magic even though they know that magic is gone like totally? Because if I lived there I’d be like. “Hm, no magic? Okay I won’t try anymore. I’ll burn all my magic stuff too so no one can accuse me. I so smart.” I wouldn’t continue to try to practice something that is gone. So, is it gone or is not gone???

“Celaena faced the room. On an ornate redwood throne sat a handsome young man. Her heart stopped as everyone bowed.

She was standing in front of the Crown Prince of Adarlan”

Two things:

First thing our assassin noticed was how handsome his face was, nothing more. Not anything useful.

Why is there a throne room at the salt mines??? (And maybe I’m just stupid and there is a logical explanation for why where is a throne here. Whatever.)

This whole chapter was just an ego booster for Celery. Like for real. Nothing happened. It took like 500 years for them to get to this weird throne room and all the way there it was like. “Celery is the best. So amazing. She could kill everyone here. Everyone is so mean to her so feel bad for her, but also root for her for some reason because she’s AN AMAZING ASSASSIN. She also was pretty once too! Also, she could kill everyone within 50 feet.” Seriously, this chapter was terrible. I feel no sympathy for this main character or admiration.

I guess I shall continue trudging through.