#just.. don't look too closely at any of the gifs bc my masking is very messy oops

[damnedparker]

First fight with Pete ? 🥺 making the reader cry and instantly breaking down bc he didn’t mean it

i'm no good at writing angst i feel, but i tried my best <3 i hope it turned out okay!

9:57.

It had now been close to three hours since Peter hadn't shown up at your place for the date night you'd planned and although him being late or missing events for spider-related reasons wasn't anything new, that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

You understood he didn't control when criminals decided to cause chaos, and you understood the purpose being Spider-Man gave him. It lit up his eyes with determination and a feeling of self-worth that you wished he could feel all the time. Some nights it brought pain into those eyes, a sadness you wished you could cure with the thousands of kisses and soft touches you were sure you'd given him by now, but you knew it just wasn't possible. You did your best to share that weight, though. Push it off his shoulders as much as possible, letting him know the people that escaped his webs, whether for capture or for saving, they weren't his fault. He was one person, a man and not a god, and he simply couldn't do it all. And that was okay.

You understood. You always did. Because you loved Peter Parker. And you loved Spider-Man, too, but lately it'd been harder and harder to feel fondness for the superhero for stealing your time with Peter. You wished taking a sabbatical from vigilantism was possible.

So when your window slid open, a familiar blue and red leg stepping through, you were filled with relief, and also dread. You knew you had to talk to Peter about all of this. And with the tension building up about it every time you tried to bring it up the past week, you knew it would end in an argument. You and Pete really hadn't had a true fight yet, and you weren't exactly excited to get to that part of your relationship.

"Hey, beautiful," his hair popped almost comically out of the mask as he yanked it off. He made a bee-line to where you were sitting on the bed, a kiss pressed to your forehead just like every other greeting he'd given you. He seemed nervous, knowing he'd messed up, fidgeting his hands where he stood in front of you. "I'm sorry I missed date night. I know we were both excited for it..." You had to physically hold back an it's okay, Pete, because you knew it wasn't. You needed to be an adult, in an adult relationship. Because that's what you were; no matter how much Peter made you feel like two teenagers in love when he was with you.

"Can we talk?" The words alone settled a storm in your stomach. And the change in Peter's expression didn't help.

"Of course," his voice got quiet when he sat next to you. He fought the urge to hold your hand, put his arm around you, just touch you. Even though he needed it himself, and it looked like you did, too, with the way your hands picked at your shirt hem, the ten mile stare directed at your lap.

"I know Spider-Man is important to you, and he's important to me, too, because of that," you began slowly. You felt like your voice was shaking like a scared little dog. "And I will always support that part of your life. But lately I feel like I've seen more of you in that suit on my TV than I have you standing in front of me. And I just... I miss Peter Parker."

"I miss you, too," he gave a half-hearted smile. "I'm sorry... I just-- things have been chaotic lately."

"Are you going to elaborate or am I just supposed to accept that alone as an answer for the millionth time?" You gritted your teeth once the words left your mouth, in a tone far harsher than you meant. But you were frustrated. Something you couldn't hide any longer. "It doesn't hurt any less to not know what's going on when you're gone more than you're here. In fact, it's quite the opposite, actually, Peter."

"I'm just trying to keep you safe."

"You always say that, but safety and my peace of mind don't seem to be very good friends," you sighed. "Lately I just feel like-- like you don't trust me. To take care of myself, to just let me in on what's going on with you. It's always about my safety or you're too busy or whatever you say-- I'm just supposed to accept it. This is a two-way relationship but it feels like there's three of us, and Spider-Man is the one making decisions for the both of us."

"I just-- I don't want you to get--"

"Hurt. I know," you stood from the bed, crossing to the other side of the room. "I'm so tired of you saying that. Like-- like the only thing that would hurt me is a physical threat. You don't want me to get hurt, but every time you ghost me, every time I go a week without seeing you or when I do it's you next to me when I wake up covered in cuts and bruises? What about that? You think that doesn't hurt?" Tears stung your eyes now, ones you were trying desperately to keep in as you went further. "All I feel lately from you is hurt. So good job with that, Spider-Man."

"I don't want you to get involved with that part of me. You can't-- you can't take care of yourself." As soon as the words left his mouth, you both know that's not what he meant. But it didn't lessen the sting.

"Wow," you scoffed. "I'm pretty sure I survived 20 years without you before, Parker, I'm not a fucking child!"

"I never said you were!" He voice had risen above its normal level now, making you flinch. He pulled and tugged at the mask in his hands, clearly frustrated and angry now. "Every time I go out there in this stupid suit, I worry that someone is going to see me, someone will find you and decide that you can give them information on me. That you're just leverage to get what they want. Or I won't be there when you need me. I worry that I can't save you, can't you see that?"

"You don't think I worry about you every time you go out there? And it only gets worse when you come home in pieces that I try to put back together?”

"It's not the same!"

"Yes it fucking is! It's fucking worse! I don't have superpowers, I can't save you, I can't make sure you're safe. Do you know how helpless that feels?"

"You don't understand."

"Then make me!" You broke, tears coming fast and hard down your face. "Just let me in. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make you trust me enough to do that. What am I supposed to do?"

"I can't-- you can't understand."

"Am I not good enough? Smart enough? What's the issue here, Peter?" You laughed humorlessly.

"Maybe you are!" He burst out. You reeled back, not knowing what to say. The tears came even faster than before as you backed away, out of the bedroom, ignoring Peter's apologies and panicked rambling that quickly turned to tears as he followed you to the door. You slammed it shut behind you before he could follow, your feet carrying you outside into a thoughtless path before you even realized it.

An hour or so later, you were still out in the crisp air of New York, settled on a bench blocks away from your apartment in a quiet park. You knew it was probably unsafe, but you didn't care at the moment. The tears had finally subsided, and you were left stewing in guilt and frustration. All you wanted was for Peter to let you in. You knew he was apprehensive, it had taken him over half a year to even tell you he was Spider-Man, but he never really told you much beyond that.

Your phone went off for the thousandth time since you'd stepped foot out of the apartment. It was Peter trying to call you yet again. You had read his texts, without replying, so that he would see the read receipts and at least know you were still alive.

i'm sorry, i didn't mean that at all. i was just frustrated. you're right, i didn't know what to say.

you are the love of my life, please come back and talk to me

i'm really sorry. i don't like fighting with you

i hope you're okay. i love you so much.

You wanted to talk to him, and resolve this, but you didn’t know what to say to him. Not over text, and not when you were sulking in your feelings out in the cold.

You hugged your arms closer to your chest, in an attempt to get warm, when the sky opened up and began to downpour on you. All you could do was sit there as the rain soaked you to your bone, not even a thin jacket to attempt to shelter you from the weather. You just closed your eyes and sighed in defeat when you thought of the walk of shame you'd have to embark on in the rain. So you sat for a little longer.

“I don’t think this is great weather for a walk in the park.” Peter’s voice nearly made you jump out of your skin. When you turned, you were surprised to see him in normal clothes, an umbrella sheltering him from the rain. Thunder sounded overhead, vibrating your already shivering body. You just shrugged, wiping at your face as if he could tell the rain from your angry tears. He came to sit next to you, settling the umbrella between the two of you. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. You are anything but a problem in my life, I need you to know that.” His eyes screamed and begged apologies left unsaid, frantically searching yours to try and gauge if you would understand. “I know I need to balance everything more. I need to make time for you and the plans we make. Emergencies do happen, but I should be trying harder.” You murmured a thank you with a small smile, one that made Peter warm to the tips of his toes. He hated not seeing you happy, especially when it was his fault. He reached out to take your hand. “You’re freezing, come here.” You let him pull you into his side, under his jacket that was much drier than the rest of you. He pressed a long kiss to your forehead, then one to the top your head, despite your hair still dripping wet from the rain. “I really am trying to keep you safe. I’m just… scared. I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Pete. I promise,” you rested your head against his shoulder. “I know that in the worst case, I can’t control that, but genuinely, I mean it. I try to be as safe as possible. But, you know, we live in New York. Even if you weren’t Spider-Man, danger is still out there. It’s just a part of life. And I don’t like thinking about that either, but it’s the truth.” You kissed his jaw and looked up at him. Tears welling in his eyes, you squeezed him tighter to you to let him know you were there. “You can’t keep everything from that part of you locked up inside forever, baby. It won’t end well.”

“I know,” he whispered, almost inaudible over the rain pattering against the pavement and umbrella over your heads. He sucked in a breath and looked down at you. His hand came up to touch your cheek, brushing some drops of rain away from your face. “I’ll be more open, I promise, it’s just...“ He choked on the words a bit before he was able to continue. “It’s hard. The last time I let someone in on that part of Spider-Man…”

“I know.” You murmured. He’d mentioned Gwen a few times, but nothing very in depth aside from a brief explanation of what had happened to her. You knew it was a tough spot for him to talk about, and you didn’t want to push him on that front. “Just… let me in, okay? Even just a little bit. I’m here for you, no matter what. You know I love you, Peter Parker."

“I love you more than anything,” he sighed, almost in relief over everything. Peter leaned his forehead against yours and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.” Your eyes softened as he said it again. The only response you could think of was leaning in for a kiss, pouring all of your feelings into it. Even the uncertainty. But most of all, the love, and the reassurance that everything would be okay.

[i-will-be-forever-yours]

Cuts Run Deep

A/N: This one is pretty close to my heart. I have struggled with cutting and anxiety and depression for a while now. Some days it get’s to be too much, and that’s okay. However, I want to tell any of you who are struggling with depression or anxiety, you are not alone. Don't discredit yourself, for you are SO special. If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate. I won’t judge you at all bc the truth is that this needs to be talked about more. We, as a society, need to normalize the need for help in the battle of mental illnesses. I’m here for you, as a person who has struggled themselves. It may seem like you are drowning, but there is a way out of this. I love you all. Thanks for reading.

Warnings: Couple curse words, talk of cutting and self harm and suicide. PLEASE don't read if this makes you uncomfortable. (TRIGGER WARNING)

Summary: Shawn and Y/n are so in love, but words can hurt and cuts run deep. Can Shawn bring her back and show how much he loves her???

Word Count: 2.5k

my masterlist

posted 4-4-20

not my gif

Shawn was in the studio this morning so Y/n thought she’d clean the house a bit. She had just gotten back from an overseas trip and was at home resting from all the lights and cameras. She was used to the photos being taken of her and the articles being written about her since she already had a name for herself in Hollywood, being an up and coming actress. That’s not to say that some of the articles about her didn’t sting, but she never thought she’d be so spitefully talked about when she started dating Shawn. The media truly had a field day at her expense, but she never told Shawn how she truly felt, wanting to spare his feelings because she knew how hurt he’d be if he found out what people were saying about her. Of course, he knew about the articles and tabloids, but he didn’t know of the snide comments she got from her coworkers or fans as she walked down the street. He didn’t understand how hurt she was, and she wanted to keep it that way. She couldn’t bear to unload her baggage on him, when he had so much he dealt with on a daily basis.

They met just under two years ago. It was pretty cliche, but to them it was truly was love at first sight. Rain was pouring down on the streets outside as Y/n ran to a small coffee shop to try and avoid the brewing storm. However, just as she was reaching for the door handle, she made contact with another hand. Pulling her hand back in surprise she looked up at this man. He had the warmest smile and the most beautiful eyes.

“I- uh,” she coughed, trying to clear her throat before continuing, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there.”

Eyes shining bright, he said,chucking, “Well that makes two of us.” Holding the door open for her he followed her in. Once inside the safety of the cafe he introduced himself saying, “Hi, I’m Shawn,” while stretching out his hand to shake.

Looking at his outstretched hand and then back into his brown eyes she replied, “I know who you are. I’m a big fan of your music.” Slightly embarrassed, she took his hand and gave it a light shake before continuing. “My name is Y/n. Uh- Y/n Y/L/n.”

“No way! As in Y/n L/n the actress? I’ve seen a couple of your movies. You are so talented, especially in that murder thriller,” he gushed with flushed cheeks and a big smile adorning his face.

After ordering they sat down together and talked for over an hour, but it felt like a couple of seconds. Time flew by and next thing they knew they were exchanging numbers with the promise to meet up again. Now, almost two years later, they are living together and Shawn plans on proposing to her on their second anniversary. He has it all thought out, they are going to a romantic picnic and then going back to the coffee shop where they met. It will be there where he’ll drop to one knee and ask the question that’s been plaguing his thoughts for the past weeks.

However he is currently at the studio, as he’s been extremely busy finishing writing a song for her. It’s taken a toll on his stress, but he knows it’ll be worth it. He is really proud of the turnout and is ready to call it a day, after he finishes the last couple chords, to finally go cuddle with Y/n back home.

- At their shared home -

Y/n was content with the amount of cleaning she had done and decided to kick back and relax. She threw on one of Shawn’s shirts and sat in front of their large flatscreen in the living room. Lost in her thoughts after catching sight of the photo next to the tv. It was a picture of the two of them, looking at each other. They were completely smitten, and everyone knew it. Sure they had their disagreements, but so does every couple. Their love for each other was strong enough to know that they would always be there for each other. Even after the worst fights, in the end, they knew they’d be alright.

She was brought back when her twitter app notified her name being tagged in a tweet that was getting a lot of feedback. Opening up her phone she saw a hashtag trending that stated “#Mendes dump L/n”. She usually ignores things like this that pops up on her feed, but something prompts her to open it, and she later wishes she hadn’t.

It was just another thing that belittled Y/n and made her feel more insecure. It’s not the actual tweet which bothered her, but it was the comments from all the fans. So many people were jumping in and saying how ugly she was, or how she doesn’t deserve Shawn. She always grew up feeling like that. Never knowing if people were using her or whether people truly liked her or not. Since a very young age, she struggled with anxiety and inner demons. Her parents thought she made it up and constantly ignored her begging for medication to help her not feel like that anymore. She wanted something to calm her racing heart and needed relief from the anxiety that coursed through her veins, but no one heard her pleas. They fell to deaf ears. It got worse in high school when she started isolating herself. She would put up a mask to hide the depression and anxiety. It felt like no one saw who she truly was, but people liked the person she was with the mask. That mask started to become who she was.

It got so bad that she would cut herself. As the tears streamed down her face, she brought the razor to her wrist and would cut line after line into her soft flesh. She watched as the blood pooled out and felt a sense of calm, and now again she thought about it. She thought about the distraction and almost relief she felt from the pain that cutting brought. It felt like her problems left as the blood pooled out with the dark red. She wanted that relief again.

Getting up from the couch and going into the bathroom where she kept a razor, while in the back of her mind she told herself she was foolish for believing the lies that the people spewed, she held it with trembling hands. Then she remembered Shawn. The handsome man she’d fallen for, with a broad smile and the most generous heart. Then, remembering how he’d been spending more and more time at the studio. Maybe they were right and perhaps he needed someone more stable and beautiful by his side. Someone who could be confident with themselves, despite the dirt and shit people threw at her. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. So used to the emptiness, it felt like second nature to be in this position. It didn’t stop her from questioning her decision, but she knew she wanted the best for Shawn. Maybe, just maybe if she killed herself Shawn could find someone who made him happy, she thought.

Stripping out of her clothes and stepping into the shower with the razor in her hand, she let her tears mix with the pounding water. The water was burning her skin, but she didn’t even feel as it left her skin raw and burning. All Y/n felt at that moment was the emotional toll that years of scrutiny had left her. Her mind was cloudy and dazed and she held the sharp point to her wrist. Applying a little pressure, she winced when she dragged it across her skin. Blood almost immediately started to run out of the cut. Years of cutting left her with the knowledge of how deep to cut without leaving scars. Not starting off too deep was her plan, because she knew she had to build up to it. She cut again and again and watched as the blood escaped her tiny cuts. The cuts were light but her wounds ran deep. The pain was not external but was a raging storm within. It clouded her judgment and thoughts, to the point where she couldn’t feel anything but pain.

Her physical pain didn’t even phase her. She could only focus on the blood as it mixed with the water on the shower tile on the floor. Ragged, short breaths left her as Y/n thought about all the comments from the media and people. Falling back against the shower wall she clutched her wrist to her chest. She wanted it to end, the assault of the hateful words trashing in her head like a raging beast. Her thoughts were so overwhelming in her head that she didn’t hear Shawn calling her name.

- Shawn’s side-

Walking in the door, Shawn tosses his keys into the bowl by the entryway. Looking around he breathes out a deep sigh, letting out his stress. He was ready for this, ready to take the next step with the love of his life. So, as he made his way further into their shared home he wasn't even fazed when he heard the shower running. It brings about a sense of domesticity for him. However, his brows knit together when he hears cries coming from inside the bathroom. Calling out Y/n’s name with no response causes his heart rate to start picking up. Rushing in, he flings the door of the ensuite bathroom open and sees a sight that makes his heart break. There was Y/n, the love of his life, was sitting with her head down and her hands clutched to her chest. Moving closer, his heart pounds and his vision begins to spin at the sight red dripping down her left forearm.

Pulling open the shower door he stands dumbfounded as Y/n quickly looks up at him, with bloodshot eyes and a broken expression on her face. It wasn’t even her appearance that made his heart come to a crashing stop. No, it isn’t how her breath hitches in her throat or even the way she sits there on the floor of the shower looking up at him. It is what he sees in her hand, what he sees running down her arms. In those couple seconds, he realizes he needs to help her. So, grabbing the hand towel on the hook, he wraps it around her damaged wrists, careful to not cause too much pain in his attempt to catch the rapidly decreasing blood flow. Silence overtakes them as he dresses and tends to her arm. It’s a couple minutes before Shawn has the courage to speak up.

“I- uh, Love… Why did you do this?” he questions in a weak voice, once safely of the shower.

She doesn’t say anything, but instead falls into his body and cries. Wrapping another towel around her soaked frame, he wraps his arms around her to bring her closer. No words are spoken as he guides them to the bedroom and he holds her in his strong arms against his chest.

Y/n had her head against his chest, and something about the steady beat of his heart calms her. Just him being there calms the storm that rages war in her head. Her breathing has slowed and she feels better. Shawn looks down and sees she is now more relaxed. No longer are there tears or fear, but it has since been replaced with a look of emptiness.

With much trepidation, he speaks up saying, “Honey, tell me why. What made you do this? You know I love you so much. I-if I found y-you dead… I don’t know what I would do. You are the best thing to happen to me Y/n Y/l/n. Don’t forget that.”

Y/n looks at him, hearing the vulnerability in his voice. She nods into his chest and takes a few calming breaths before replying, “I just read a- some tweets that- um- that said you should break up with me. And I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t read things like that. But something about it reminded me of what I’ve been told my whole life. I don’t know, I guess I started to believe them. I mean with you at the studio a lot lately.” She started to ramble, “and that’s fine! I am not trying to be clingy. I was just thinking maybe there is a better person-”

“Stop. No, don’t say that love. You are the only right person for me. I knew that when I met you in the coffee shop that day. I’ve loved you since then. Okay? Don’t listen to their lies. If they cannot see that you are so loved, then that’s on them. You are so amazing and beautiful, and I love you so much. There is no one that I would rather be with. Okay- uh so, I had a whole big plan for this but I cannot wait any longer. I need you to understand how much I love you.” he stated before getting up and moving to their shared closet. She hears him rummaging around before she sees him coming out again.

“Y/n Y/l/n, you are so special to me. Your smile brightens my day and leads me back home in the craziest storms. There’s not a moment when you aren’t on my mind, and I want to marry you-”

“Shawn what-” she gasped in shock, quickly sitting up and moving to the edge of the bed, with the towel still wrapped around her soaked frame.

Bending on one knee, he grabs her left hand, conscientious of the bandaging, and in a voice thick with emotion he asks, “Y/n Y/l/n, will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?”

“I- I, yes! I love you,” she cries. However, her tears are for a completely different reason. He stands up and places the ring on her finger and kisses her. The kiss is slow and deep. It’s not like any other kiss they’ve shared, not after coming home from a party turned on, or even the first kiss they shared. No, this kiss is so symbolic, and emotional, and it’s not until they break for air do they come back from that bliss.

Once again laying upon the bed, with Y/n in Shaw's arms he whispers, “Who’d've thought that we’d get engaged with you only in a towel and in our bedroom?” He has a cheeky grin on his face, and she knows what he is implying. She chuckled with him before he continued, “We are going to have proper engagement. You need to act surprised too. All our family will be there and want to see your reaction. For now, how about I take care of that towel. We have a lot to celebrate.”

She looks at him and smiles, ducking her head into his neck. Nodding her head in a silent agreement, she starts to place small kisses onto the underside of his chin. He tightens his grasp on her and flips her so he’s hovering atop her. A smirk plays on his lips as he slowly pulls either side of the towel from around her. Yeah, the night has just begun.

_________

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