#just scrolled through someone's blog from 2018 and i see this video and i screamed from joy

[calumsash]

ever since i've heard red line i only had this video in mind and i just couldn't find it BUT today it suddenly appeared to me so i had to make this

[nikkithinksblog-blog]

Forgiveness is not for other people...

Okay so this blog will probably get real and heavy. And that’s okay. There’s no point for me to do this if I can’t be an open book. If you know me personally, you know some of my story. I don’t broadcast it but I refuse to hide it. It’s apart of me and who I am. 

That being said, I don’t want this post to be all about me and how hard my life was and is. Yes, I’ll be sharing about things I’ve gone through but my hope and prayers in doing that is to help others and show some light on a way to help cope with difficult situations that involve forgiving. 

One thing that always helped me get through and continue on this journey is the saying “Forgiveness is not for other people. Forgiveness is for you.”

When I first heard that, it was a surreal moment kind of. Like I can’t even remember where I heard or who from but all I remember is a sudden change in the way I think about things. I know now that God put that phrase in my life. No doubt in my mind. 

Listen, just to give a quick recap, I’ve been abused and felt just low like lower than the level beneath dirt and that is a basic summary of everything. My physical, emotional and (most importantly) mental health have suffered dearly. And I am still dealing with “fixing it” I’ll never be done. It’s going a life-long commitment. A part of me feels so bad for my family, and friends but most importantly, Aaron. This man and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together. Once I realized that Aaron is my soulmate and who God put in my life for me, I was extremely happy (obviously) but also, worried, frustrated, angry, worried and very sad. Sad because he has no say so in what my past has been. Sad because of my baggage that he is taking on with me. How is that fair to someone? But then once I kept thinking and praying about that, I FORGAVE myself for not even giving myself a chance to take on my own baggage or deal with my own past. Please don’t get me wrong, Aaron has and is going above and beyond to support me and deal with all of this with me. Keyword there was “with”. I FORGAVE myself for doubting Aaron, in a way. How dare I doubt someone who has never shown me anything but love and support and care since he’s known me. God puts people and things in your life for a reason. 

Like I’ve said in the sports videos, this forgiveness topic has been heavy in my prayers and on my heart. Today, 8/17/19, I know why now. 

Alright y’all this is where it gets heavy and real...

So to give some back story, My grandmother got diagnosed with Stage 4 giloblastoma multi-cell brain cancer in Oct-Nov of 2018. It has been a very huge struggle. When we first got the news, before we even knew if was cancer or not, our plan of action was surgery to remove the tumor. Once the surgery happened, the surgeon came out and confirmed the news that my family dreaded. I was upset and sad but mostly angry. Angry at myself for not seeing any symptoms sooner, angry at her doctors for not taking the best care of her to prevent this from happening, and honestly a little angry at my family for not taking care of her and watching her. Obviously that was not fair of me to accuse people who loved my grandma just as much, if not more, for not taking care of her. How dare I right?! But, once I thought about it, I FORGAVE the doctors and I FORGAVE my family. None of them knew I was angry at them, and until the read this post, they don’t know. After a couple of weeks, she started chemo and radiation. After about 2-3 weeks of that, she was getting really really sick. She took a fall in the bathroom from being so weak. She went to the er and that’s when we found out that her tumor came back, bigger and stronger than before. The date, 12/02/18, will be forever in my brain. Engraved in there. Never leaving and here’s why...This was the date that I realized that no one is safe. No one is safe from this sick disease called cancer. 

It’s not fair for an amazing and loving woman to suffer from something she does not deserve.

When she started getting worse and worse, and is still getting worse. I was getting very angry and upset. I would let it boil in me and just simmer down in me. One little thing would get to me and I would blow up and break down. I was still angry. Of course, I kept blaming myself for all of this. I’ve always been someone in my family who has taken care of everything and I can’t take care of this. It kills me. Like it shakes me to my core to know that there is literally nothing I can do to fix this. Trust me. 

Then around June of this year, I finally realized who I was truly angry at. 

I was angry at God.

WOW, when that realization hit me, I broke the heck down. 

Give me one christian on this earth who hasn’t been angry for something at some point in their life and was angry at God for letting that something happen. 

I never doubted him or anything of the that nature. I still believe in him and everything he can do. I still pray to him and give him praises. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry. How could he let this happen to a woman that is so devoted to him and so important to me. A very small part of me took it as a punishment. Everyone is a sinner, that’s in the bible. Even if you don’t believe in it, it’s one of those things that you just know. But our sins are FORGIVEN. I thought I had the one sin, somewhere in my life that caused all this to happen. My luck of course. 

I came home from work one day and I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t want to listen to music or read a book or scroll through Facebook or play with my dog even. What I wanted to do was find answers. Answers as to why this was happening to my family. Answers as to why I can’t cope with anything and I’m anxious and depressed all of the time. But most importantly and above all, I wanted answers as to why I was so angry all the time and why I was angry God, the one thing in my life that has never left and shown me the right things to do and the right way to live.

So I picked up my bible and my plan was to read what ever page I opened to and just keep reading until I found something. 

I opened my bible and the very first thing I saw was “Forgiveness is not for other people. Forgiveness is for you.”

The second thing I saw was “ God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors”

Then it literally hit me like a ton of bricks. I was angry at God for showing me that this happening is a part of the plan. I was angry because I was in denial that this is happening. That’s it. I was angry (in general) because I was in denial and I was blaming. 

Immediately I was on my knees asking him for FORGIVENESS. 

Once I prayed, and I’m telling you like I was praying for 15.-20 minutes if not more, but once I finished... everything became clear.

God showed me that I needed to forgive myself for all the pain I caused myself but not only that, the pain I caused everyone around me. I put the people closest to me in pain because I was angry. Being angry about something and at someone that did nothing to you is wrong! 

God isn’t mad at me for being mad at him. His love and care for me isn’t gone and he’s not going to show me less. God showed me that this happens. Everyone has to go at some point and he is keeping her around until she and him are ready and that is their conversation to have and I don’t need to be involved like I think I do. God has showed me his love. Even in the times where I’m blinded by negativity.

Here’s how I am forgiving myself: (and I saw it in a current sense because I am still working on it)

Take 10-20 minutes to yourself EVERYDAY to allow yourself to break down. Cry, scream, break stuff, whatever you need to do.

Write down every emotion you feel during the day on a piece of paper and then mark out the negative ones until the paper rips.

Sing. Music has a therapy element to it. Use it. it doesn’t matter if you’re bad or good. It doesn’t matter what song. Just sing.

Talk to someone. Vent to someone. It’s okay to talk about what’s going on. But make sure after that person listens to you. You have to listen to them.

Find the positive things in everything and STAY positive.

Talk to God.

These are the things that I do. Some of these may not work for you but something, somewhere will. You just can’t be afraid to try.

I’m not perfect. I’m still going through so much. But I’m not angry.

But I forgave everyone and anyone.

I forgave myself. And in forgiving myself, I am more open and I am more able to feel. 

I don’t have the answers to anyone’s problems, including my own. But I’m willing to search for them. 

I hope this helps someone who read this. This post is longer and honestly a lot longer than I planned. 

Thank you all so much and I am sending so much love to you all! 

-Nikki

[theda-rison]

Editing thoughts:

(For Preptober and Nanowrimo 2020)

So It’s been at least two years since I’ve edited anything due to: having more ideas than can possibly be good for a brain, and, not having enough time to finish any of them. From about 2019 July Camp Nano to 2020 July Camp Nano, I haven’t really done anything other than Write New Stuff, because of those reasons. I also had a lot of varying ideas (I think, in order) they were: Novella, Werewolf book 1, Werewolf book 2 (which might end up being 3, meaning I’d have to write a new book 2), and aside from one short story in March of this year, the beginning half of 2020 was just me writing lectures all day every day to keep up with my class and only having two (2) weekends to myself out of five months.

So like… hard times for a creative.

(I actually listened to this song a LOT, just to stop from crying. Sometimes you just have to dance it out.)

So yeah, those are all in their First Draft State. 

But, because I didn’t make anything for five straight months, my brain wants to CREATE! I’m in the dreaded, I-had-one-idea-and-now-I-have-40-more-ideas-because-the-idea-train-is-just-going-OFF-the-rails-someone-help! (that’s all one word) phase of coming off a period of not being able to work. I also did a new project for 2020 July Camp Nano. Though, I did also do my Wee Jas creation myth before that: 1, because I wanted one (you might have seen that post), and 2, because I needed to relearn how to write because I looked down at my keyboard after five months and went, “.........aaaahhhhHHHHHHH!!!!” because I didn’t know what having an idea out of my own head was like anymore.

Sort of like the time when I was a kid and we came back from summer vacation and I no longer knew how to spell “the.” (Which, my mom honestly believed I was joking about but I was looking at the loose-leaf in terror with my pen in my hand, screaming internally and unable to work on my schoolwork. Good times.)

You can go see my posts about those projects here (July Camp) and here (Wee Jas).

SO: What do you do when you have a ton of things to work on and you haven’t edited in fucking years? Aside from the crying and the swearing and all the emotions and actions that one has and does in the panic of the moment of realization? The last thing I edited was a fanfic in 2018, and these things are way more complicated in a way, because I am the arbiter of the rules of the world and also the one writing. And therefore I must create, and follow the rules; which is sort of a lot for the walnut I deign to call “my brain”. 

“I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

Literally, like, who Okay’d this?

I did. And that’s why I am the fool.

So I follow a few writing youtubers and for one of them, Heart Breathings, a video popped up about editing which just, *chef’s kiss* thank you, oh Almighty Algorithm. I shall pray to you and offer you my first born-- *something that I do not want is recommended to me* …… you know what? Death to the machines.

Anyway:

Sarra’s video was really helpful because she went through her editing process step-by-step. I made some notes - she actually has a PDF where she has many of the same points - but I wanted the step-by-step in bullet points, so I just watched the video and made my own notes… so when I completely forget what I’ve watched (about five minutes after whatever-it-is happened, generally) I can refer to whatever step I’m on and know what I should be doing.

So that I was the 18th, I think? I am currently in the “post-outline” phase which I started on the 18th (I had to look at the editing history to check) and: 

This is taking a heckuva long time!

Much longer than I anticipated because: A, I keep fucking getting distracted by literally everything else in the world because post-outlines are kind of boring (even to the point where I just end up reading what I wrote like “Hey, this is good. I like this--FUCK I HAVEN’T WRITTEN ANYTHING FOR PAGES!!” and then I have to scroll back up and read it again), and B, holy shit this is fucking loooooonnnnngggg. But that’s what I get for wanting to write an epic, I guess. Big shrugs for me. I did this to myself.

I’m hoping I can finish it in the first or second week of Preptober, because I still have:

The final battle scene to map out and write

Several city maps to make

The world map to make (and then hold up all my travel times against it and see if they make any goddamned sense)

Some cosmology to work on

A timeline to make (I know something is wrong somewhere but I don’t know what it is)

And… I think that’s it? I have a longer list with more minutiae somewhere, but it mostly has editing notes from when I was writing and those don’t matter yet. Those will get organized before-- you know what?:

Organize editing notes made during writing

Alright. It’s on the list now, lol. 

(I guess writing blogs about what I’m doing is good sometimes because I end up working things out in real time... even if they take a few hours to write and organize the links and pics and shit.)

Anyway, those are my Preptober plans, in addition to all of those things I now have less time to do them because of the fall semester, but, I think I can do it. I’m excited in that... trepidatious way.

[royal-red-asks]

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[meowlexandragrace]

Reflections, Creativity, and Carrie Fisher Quotes

The year is coming to an end and it’s left me catching my breath and looking back on 2017- on what went well and what didn’t. It was an amazing year for growth in personal relationships in my life. In contrast, the world around me seems to be constantly on fire (and right now that’s both a metaphor and a reality in Southern California). I’m constantly re-imagining where I fit in this dumpster fire of a universe we live in right now and over the past few years it’s changed a lot. That’s both terrifying and exhilarating because the older I get, the less I know exactly where I want to end up. It’s teaching me how to learn how to let go and see what the universe has to offer me.

Letting go has always been a really hard lesson for me. I’ve learned it time and again, after working myself to consistent mental breakdown, never stopping to take care of myself or stop to ask why I am even doing what I'm doing. That became a part of my personality and I thought it made me tough. Growing up, I would win awards in sports and at school for being the most dedicated, the hardest working, I was the one who wouldn’t sleep if it meant getting a project done. Hard work always pays off, it’s true. If I have ever gotten good at anything, it’s not by luck. If I’ve ever gotten anything in life, it’s because I worked my ass off for it. I’m a stubborn Capricorn, through and through. But sometimes, you need to learn when to save your energy for what is really important.

I always thought because of this mentality, I would be a career driven woman for my entire life. It’s always been what I thought would happen, I would get good grades and go to a good college and get a good job. Except, I seem to get stuck at that last part, over and over and over again. The logical part of my brain knows, duh, of course I’m still young and just because I don’t have a solid “career” figured out doesn’t mean that I never will. Then, the anxious, somehow always louder part of my brain just keeps screaming “F A I L U R E !” Every time I would scroll through Instagram and someone else younger than me got a good job, I would get insanely bitter. Social media in general could be a really big anxiety trigger. Most of the time, people are only posting the best parts of their life. We all do it, and it makes the most sense. That’s the easiest part of your life to share with the entire world on the internet- your best self. Putting your mistakes online puts you in an vulnerable position, so most of the time we don’t do it. That still doesn't mean we have to compare our worse selves to someone else's best self. 

That loud voice inside my head screaming “failure” started seeping into everything I did. If I went out with my friends and did something I enjoyed, it was always shadowed with a layer of guilt knowing I could be doing something more productive. If I took time to rest, I was obviously a lazy millennial who wasn’t worth anything. If I spent time with family instead of going to a networking event, I obviously deserved to be a failure because I wasn't working as hard as someone else, even if I was really making myself happy.  The opposite was also true- if I did work on writing, working out, eating healthy, whatever it was- it was never enough. The constant pressure to be more than I was started making nothing feel like it was worth trying for. It felt like any effort was futile, and why bother.

As I was reflecting on the year, I decided to focus for a bit on what went well. I just sat for twenty minutes (put a timer on and everything) and wrote about what I liked about last year. It all came back to my personal relationships blossoming. Things like spending time with family and barbecuing in my parents backyard, running around with my dog, late night board games and drinks with friends, and meeting the love of my life all gave my life meaning again. The older I get, though, the more I realize a career isn’t what’s going to make me happy, it’s the moments in between with the people I love. If you look at the longest study done on happiness, they actually found two things were consistent- the ability to learn how to let go of what’s not important to you and having solid relationships in your life. We’re essentially all looking for a family of some sort, whether that’s in the traditional sense or not. We just want a group of loved ones to belong to, who we can depend on through thick and thin. It’s becoming more clear to me that this is what’s the most important thing in my life- my inner circle. Who knows, if I had become this boss-ass-business person straight away, it might have taken me so much longer to realize the importance of the community I was building around me. So, it was time to let go of what I perceived as my biggest failures, because I was succeeding in ways I hadn't realized.

At this point, I stopped looking at things like, why continue to try at anything when it’s not going to get you anywhere and started thinking how can I improve my life so that I can do more of what I love? What did I still feel like was missing? After changing my perspective, I realized that what I want more than a specific career is to create art and connect with other people. I want other people to feel less alone, because when you feel alone it does start to feel like everything you do is pointless. This is where the terrifying part is- that really isn’t one specific job. There isn’t exactly a job market on LinkedIn for “creative person who likes to write and make things and just really needs to get paid for it so she doesn’t have to be homeless someday.” The moral of the story is- I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing, maybe even less so than I thought I did at the start of this year.

At the beginning of 2017, when I sat down to think of a new year's resolution, I came up with something pretty vague. Instead of making a really specific goal like “lose ten pounds,” I thought how I could have a new mentality to change the year for the better. A Carrie Fisher quote that I couldn’t stop reading came to mind. For background, she happened to die on my birthday last year, and for some reason, that really affected me. I became obsessed with reading interviews she did, watching video clips of her and just taking in all the magic and badassery. A few of her words echoed in my head, “Stay afraid, do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow. ” As someone who suffers from anxiety, I liked the idea of allowing myself to be afraid instead of trying to control the fear. That became my mantra of 2017. It opened up my mind to new opportunities- I started working on a novel this year, I started this blog, shit, I even tried online dating (that last one ended up to be the most successful thing I tried last year!).

I would like to say, instead of overthinking things, I just let go and did them, but that would be a lie. We’re taking baby steps here, people. I still overthought everything I did. My anxiety didn’t just disappear (though, I did eventually get medication and help for the anxiety). I just did things while I overthought them. For example, when I work on writing a blog post, I just start writing what I’m thinking about that week. Usually I sit in the bath or in bed and journal my feelings until I have a complete thought that I want to expand on. My thought process is never full or complete when I start out and I tend to be thinking about at least six things at once (and one of those things is almost always what I’m going to eat for my next meal). I have to mine through the thoughts to make sense of things before I share them. After that, it takes me about a week to write it, agonize over it, edit it, format it, and post it. That’s plenty of time to overthink things, but I’m still creating, I’m still regularly posting. In the end, I’ve been pretty happy with a lot of what I’ve made, overthinking and all!

That leaves me to where I am now and what comes next. Similarly to last year, I’m not setting one specific goal for the year. I tend to try and stack up a lot of smaller goals like this week I’m going to pack healthy lunches for work, or like this week, since it’s near the holidays and I am a serial collector of junk, I decided my goal was to go through my bedroom and make a pile of stuff I wanted to donate to Goodwill. Little things like that that actually will make a difference, one week at a time tend to add up more for me. Instead, I thought about what I wanted more of in my life and when it came down to it, I just want to be more creative. 2018 is all about how I can bring creativity in my every day life, right here, right now!

That doesn’t mean I’m giving up work. Sadly, I’m one of the many people in life who has to go to work for a living. I still would love to find a job doing something I’m even somewhat interested in because I actually take joy in doing work on things that I’m interested in. I just think I’m going to take a step back and take a more broad look at what I want out of life. Right now, it’s to be more creative in my everyday life. I’m trying new things, even if I don’t know if I’ll be any good at them. I want to surround myself with creativity and see what that brings! Even though I’m trying things that sometimes scare me, I’m planning on sharing them with all of you who wish to follow along on the struggle bus with me.

What about you guys? What or who makes you happy? What worked out in 2017? What helped you survive the insanity this year brought? Comments below!

xoxox