#just say ur a magic hater op

[greensconnor]

i’m asking about your dragon age characters

molly i would KILL for u im ur personal hitman now

anyway i said my city now because the entire bioware writing team sucks shit xoxo and i’m so much smarter than all of them but also fully incapable of having a normal amount of ocs for anything (see: the time i made 20 rwby ocs in less than two weeks) so i have. five worldstates here r some assorted thoughts

uhhh so the worldstates r as follows

eira mahariel (two-handed berserk/champ spec), rhett hawke (two-handed berserk spec), alas lavellan (mage knight enchanter spec), romanced alistair/fenris/dorian respectively

shiv tabris (dual wield duelist/assassin spec), radella “rads” hawke (mage spirit healer spec), kat adaar (two-handed reaver spec), romanced morrigan/isabela/cassandra respectively because im a pc gamer and i think i should be able to date whatever video game woman i like because im infinitely better than cishet men

this world state said yeah i respect mens rights. mens rights to shut the fuck up

twins bronson (sword/shield reaver spec) & bryant cousland (archer ranger spec), carmine hawke (archer assassin spec), syracuse trevelyan (dual wield tempest spec), romanced zevran/anora/josephine/bull. if ur wondering how that works my city now and the warden, hawke and the inquisitor should all meet and so they do because i Said So

riva amell (mage arcane warrior/battlemage spec), graham “gray” hawke (mage force spec), hellathen “hela” lavellan (archer assassin spec); romanced cullen/anders and later blackwall because hawke only likes men who will break his heart. hela doesn’t have a romance because she’s literally 20. who let her lead the inquisition (me it was me). also it should be noted the version of cullen i have in my head only vaguely resembles actual cullen because i write better than dragon age writers ever could and i gave him an Actual Cohesive Narrative and he gets bullied relentlessly for being scrawnier than his mage boyfriend

malien “mal�� surana (mage spirit healer/keeper spec), jules hawke (sword/shield reaver spec), ash adaar (mage rift spec), romanced leliana/merrill/krem because i should have been able to kiss krem and its a Crime that i am not allowed to

knight enchanter is a Very op specialization and by Very op i mean it makes a mage with their built-in low constitution stats able to solo the biggest baddest dragon in the game on nightmare mode in under five minutes so like. alas lavellan fist fights dragons for fun send tweet

i think lavellans should be able to hit ppl with bricks for all the shit they endure. thus solas gets pranked by mahariel and alas by which i mean they just tip buckets of water onto him from the rookery

kat might be my only competent inquisitor but she did also try to knock out the right hand of the divine and attempt to gap even tho there’s fucky magic burning up her hand so does she have a brain cell? you decide

also its fantasy land and i do what i want so kat has blue/gold sectoral heterochromia

gray “mage rights” hawke is best friends with fenris which surprises literally everyone. their friendship started because they got into a fist fight and then they were like okay i respect u now. hawke is like hey fenris give me ur sword i have a fun trick to show u [uses his sword as a foci to zap carver in the ass with lightning]

i am Always thinking abt like how cullen could have been one man anti-chantry propaganda machine if he hadn’t so blatantly been shoehorned into every game past origins so anyway bioware forgot about a wholeass moon i can write what i like. [holds up cullen by the scruff of his stupid armor] not only are you bisexual you are also a bottom

i also Hate the whole uwu mage haters get fixed by romancing a mage

unlocked secret dialogue option where my inquisitors verbally cuss out dorian’s dad instead of whatever sympathetic narrative the writers were going for cuz its bullshit.

riva is a showoff and a Menace about being as good as he is because he unabashedly loves being a mage and hes like oooh look at me im sexy i dont need to use my hands to cast magic because i’m just that good ;)) and you know what. hes right.

gray, on the other hand, does Not want to be mage. he wants to be a druffalo farmer and retire in the hinterlands and be left the fuck alone. unfortunately he is gay and has one brain cell and terrible, terrible taste in men. ribbed relentlessly for this by riva (altho does he have room to talk hes been hung up on cullen since he was like 13)

shiv is trans n kieran is the result of doing the dark ritual with her wife and he looks a Lot like shiv (dark skin pointed ears, shock-white hair) and morrigan always just Assumed she dyed it or did something magic with it so seeing their kid come out like that was a WEIRD time for her

leliana almost Murdered by cassandra in worldstate 5 because the warden is Actually There The Whole Time, but its been 10 years, mal’s cut off all her hair and gotten full facial tattoos and she’s like “no one will know its me its fine” and she’s right. she gets away with it. only cullen like, Knows, because he knew her before the blight but he doesnt have a death wish n he like. will Not piss her off

shes dalish by birth n she was stolen from her clan by templars and thus is vehemently anti-circle and anti-chantry in general

uhhh the vallaslin (elf face tattoos) of my 4 dalish characters are:

eira = ghilan’nain (chose em cuz shes rlly interested in the navigation aspect of the goddess)

alas = falon’din (god of the dead n he picked them because he’s Also the god of fortune and alas is like tee hee fun but also he can and will kill u if u fuck with him so yk its fitting)

hela = june (god of the craft bc she likes to Make things but june is also the god who taught the elves 2 hunt and hela is. a hunter.)

mal = elgar’nan (allfather/god of vengeance bc. she is Vengeful. she is Angry. but yk fucking with shem politics and fucking their divine is like. mal may have little a retribution. as a treat.) yes she has the full half-face solid colour tattoo she does NOT fuck around.

bronson and bryant r not genetically identical but they Look similar enough 2 anyone who doesn’t know them well enough 2 play spot the distance. anora and bronson think this is a super fun game to play, especially when nobles realize they’ve swapped out the king but they’re too nervous to say anything

eira mahariel has two hands. one is for holding hands with alistair and the other is for throttling elven gods, apparently. she’s killed one before so solas she’s coming for your bitch ass next. watch urself.

speaking of eira and alistair are married thru dalish tradition and humans don’t recognize it n alistair loves 2 re-propose to her with random things. he’ll just pick up like. a bit of cheese and be like “marry me ;)” and she’s like GASP but whatever will the chantry say!!!! all of their friends r sick of them

“vhenan if you love me bring me a sword” “you think i could do better than a sword made out of space rock?” “:)”

eira is my youngest hero at 18 at the start of her game and kat is my oldest at 32 at the start of her game.

none of my hawkes are under six foot. rhett is the tallest (6′8″) and rads is the shortest (6′2″).

syracuse trevelyan would have been the Perfect inquisitor if he were not a pretty boy himbo and a gay bastard who does Most Things just to spite his parents.

[corypheus pointing at syracuse’s visage in his crystal orb thingo] i want that twink obliterated

i love the companions from older games return thing i truly do so i make it a point for Every companion to return in inquisition so the gang rlly is all here because i am a Slutte for found family

i lie in my keep worldstates because i dont want to choose between hawke and alistair during here lies the abyss but i never make him king and every time i play inquisition and cole has the wicked grace line it makes me Scream. alistair baby im so sorry i did this to you but i didnt actually do this to you

yes this is my everyone lives au but like. all the time. i have never left hawke in the fade and i do not intend to.

fuck whatever nonsense about wardens not being able 2 have kids. by sheer divine power (me) anora and bryant have three daughters; eleanor, sabina & cecelia n both bronson and zevran make Excellent uncles because i think anora deserves good things because i’m tired of bioware being like women bad, actually,

so like most of the time i have the warden & hawke turning up after the move to skyhold n then staying on, with the exception of bryant, carmine & mal. mal is as mentioned previously just There the whole time with her girlfriend. bryant steps in as king of ferelden w/ interests in closing the big hole in the sky spewing demons in2 his kingdom yk. carmine shows up because she wants to help & she wants protection for bethany but she outright says she’d rather die than be inquisitor so cassandra is shit out of luck.

“CHANGE HER MIND VARRIC” “she once doubled down on insisting amaranth was a shade of blue because she didn’t want to admit to being wrong. no one’s changing her mind seeker”

alas is the middle child of eight and is thus very good with children and also bossing around people older than him. 2 of his older siblings come to the inquisition when stuff in wycome has been settled

i left ash with the basic canon background with Some variation (he grew up under the qun and left of his own free will when his magic was discovered n he realized he couldn’t take living as a saarebas

kat on the other hand was raised tal-vashoth and has bounced around basically all over thedas and leads her own merc company when the conclave blows up. she also speaks multiple languages. is there a language she doesn’t speak? probably not

just realized how long this got so im gonna like. stop my general rambling now but lmao yeah theres some basics. waves hands.

[duderocketship]

Facemelter

Bitch, I’m still deft like a leopard; Repping these streets, Still chasing da paper Quick wit the maths, SoCal’d-rap c u lator Innovate it & faded, I drink it straight up, no chaser Backw(ar/oo)ds I’m facing I’m trippin’ my laces Inhaling clouds of a thousand lit vapors Sowing my seeds, Young man he ain’t got no patience Be wading my way Thru a crowd of y'all haters Insane bro, How they still don't know my name Money and fame I scream while I slang, It's lame And I can't move my feet, my knees are weak Padlocked to my mafkin’ seat Yeet YEET Fucked around and popped some molly, U know I be boolin’ Wit a couple of y’all thotties My Impala’s no ‘Rari I’m not saying sorry, Bitch I got no money My Mom’s where my house be I see you sneak dissin’ Just gonna squeeze this in I’m a heathen and I mean it ~Ope please excuse the dopeness, I’m just wokest with the flow dontcha know it? Best have some hands to throw 4sho, Unless u glow wit it If I had as much love As I had dick in my pants, I’d fill you up at the first glance, Given the chance Got u entranced, We dink when we drance I’ll show you London, You show me France yeah Suicide’s on my mind Though I can’t seem to find Motivation inside I say I wanna try But I’m wasting my time Just want some good vibes Hmu if you find em? Said I'm havoc wit astounding clout Blow clouds spit them fractals wow shifting shapes, him prismatic now -I’m in another dimension Guess I never questioned the consequences of my pathetic aesthetic Ya I wear a fuckin mask so you can’t see my pain Tell me does it resonate, Does that penetrate your brain? Man everyday, it straight feel the fuckin same So let’s just vegetate Now watch me steady levitate I’m breaking loud, Falling apart like towers to a plane Flowers to a flame burning down, Mayday, mayday You melt the beams in my heart, What can I fuckin’ say? Catch me diving headfirst in them opposite lanes Then my mind, Gets flushed down the fuckin’ the drain Bitch, if you ain’t a succubus Get the fuck up out my gravy train I smoke big doinks Gets my mind zoinked To the point I’m anointed All about the jinkies When I'm smoking on that Scooby, Take you to the movies, Tryna feel up them boobies Finna get kinky, I’m no noobie wit a Hoop-D Shoot my shot up in the coochie, When I hit her wit da roofie That beat slap harder than a drunk stepfather When you feeling up his daughter Got some choppers in the locker, -Steady mob but I’m a scholar Now they droppin’ all these dollas Got the armor to conjure & conquer the darkest monsters Hollerin at my partner, Slobber on my whopper while I stomp em’ Noggin I’m finna clobber Coldest shoulder on the mountain My manhood hooked in the crook of ur nook Y’all wanna tip toe but I don’t pussyfoot, Wanna throw bows? Tell ya hoe not to look Vibrate in the puss, You could say that bitch was shook Yeah my lines are blurry, Insufflate blizzards in a fury Digging where the sewage be For all these bitches I am luring Skewering all you limp dicks, Ripe for the barbequing Cos I been roastin y'all ass, This shit just ain't fuckin new to me Suckle on my Johnson just to savor the taste That’s real cheese flavor, Parmesan off the grate Got some fries with that shake, Know those thighs make me quake, Great Value™ cellulite it’s processed Equate™! Assassinate you with stealth God's not gonna save you When you’re screaming for help Guns drawn, black lung, Bitch I shoot from the belt Dead-Eye in the sights, Just need five perfect pelts Gettin’ litty Spend $50’s Pet kitties Suck titties On this niftier side of shitty while I acquire the wealth Yo, I smoke a rello To un-harsh my mellow, Y’all yellow bellied fellows Can’t reach my own level Don’t like my rhymes? You can fight me Ignite whilst I smite thee, From the sky These bolts come to strike, see Now I’m magically Sporadic as lightning Got Gucci on my zipper - Throw me a bag, u kno I’ma flip her Call me Jim Lahey, bitch Cuz’ I am the fucking liquor! Gonna put on my slippers, And rock you wit da dripper In tha cut, I’m tripping fuck Yuh rolling up that indica https://soundcloud.com/duderocketship/facemelter