#just checked on Atsushi's character sheet and he likes chameleons. i wonder if there's an in-universe explanation

[vesperina]

For the first time I'm actually regretting staying up late to read

And I hope this doesn't appear in the BSD tag bc it's basically spam, but, in a way, this is kinda related??? I mean, I somehow stumbled upon a translation of Nakajima's Chameleon Diary (which is referenced in-universe as a blink and you miss it line in a sort of comic relief moment). And I thought I could read it before going to sleep...

And BOY...

Like,,,, It's not like I expected a light hearted story. Nakajima-sensei's stories are usually tragic and harsh. But this one... This is so... This just hits different it's...

Like, I just thought that I'd read,,, like, idk, about a man who sees the chameleon changing colors and goes on something like a monologue about the nature of the self, but all I got was existential dread at 3 a.m. what the—

There is an unnecessarily long ramble product of sleep deprivation under the cut.

And I mean, the story hits different to begin with bc, when you look at the bigger picture, it just stands out. I haven't read the totality of Nakajima-sense's work, but if there's one thing I do know is that there are distant regarding the setting. Like,,, most of his stories are set during distant, ancient times and include supernatural elements... but chameleon diary is so mundane it feels uncanny????

it's not about a man from the Tang dynasty that turned into a tiger nor Assyrian scholar who is convinced that words have spirit nor a Persian soldier who founds out about his past life by accident

it's about a high school teacher that just so happens to take care of a chameleon. and uses the days he spends with the chameleon as a framing device to let us into his thoughts... and his thoughts are what make me say the story is so depressing.

bc his thoughts are about how he decided to keep the chameleon bc it makes him feel animated and lively and he hasn't felt like that in years, how he dwells on the past so much and longs for something he lost, how unhappy he is with his current life, how he sees himself as "deficient on several abilities", how he feels his life has been meaningless up until now, how he feels like he wasted his own potential, how he suppressed his spirit for his health's sake but to no avail and that made him feel such frustration

in short, there was so much regret and self doubt and anxiety and uncertainty and some self loathing and sleep deprivation...

but what it really makes it hit the most different and the hardest is that this short story is AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL. so uncharacteristically autobiographical. so not only unlike his other works that feel distant bc of their setting this story is mundane, but this is HIM.

Atsushi Nakajima himself. Opening up to us readers. Letting us go inside his mind. He, who stands out among his contemporaries for not writting I-novels and writing instead of distant times. don't mind me im sleep deprived basically im surprised bc i didn't knew about this work and i didn't knew what it was about and also reading it at this time made really feel the existential dread.