#just a psa if I go without posting and don't reblog creations.

[magicshop]

I'm really sorry I haven't been here consistently, my life is going to shit

[notashrew]

I guess it comes from that ever since I got my first media interest, I've always been in a some kind of fandom. When I was younger (like cringe early-teen young) I used to interact with people directly much more, even if it was mostly probably in super annoying and weird way. But I had fun and made a lot of memories and I was happy to talk and share my thoughts about common interest without shame and be happy.

I've had some friends say they don't do fandoms or interact with them at all, which, given my past, feels so alien to me. I think it's impossible for me to not be part of any fandom at all, even if it didn't include any interaction with people. I'm always looking and reblogging cool art and reading people's thoughts and excitements over things I'm excited about. I couldn't live without having some connection to my interest through other people and their creations abour common interest.

Nowdays I'm having so so so hard time getting into new fandoms. Hell I don't think I can even read people's headcanons anymore because I can't deal with people having different ideas than I have. I've blamed myself for being too cynical and grumpy for the ability to enjoy things anymore, I'm having hard time relaxing and just letting people do what they do and me sitting back watching that joy they have.

I'm sure it's partially coming from me actually having turned sour and grumpy, but partially also because how fandoms nowdays seem to be. Hell, one or two times I walked into certain fandom tags, and first thing I see were PSA post about how something (or god forbidden someone) was bad and you should feel bad about it. What a way to have a first impression. I look into fandoms for the first times and I think "holy shit these people are actually out of their goddamn minds" or "can you please be civil just for once." Fandoms and people don't feel like something you want to join and be inside of anymore. They don't feel like you'd find your people in them.

Worst of it is how if my interest doesn't get fed with positive associations, it dies sadly soon. One reason I've been in one fandom for so long is because it was big and always had new things going on. And it had people I could talk with. But even that has ended but I'm having hard time letting go because I have no other place to go, because everywhere I look none looks welcoming to join. So I'm stuck with rotting experiences in the old that don't bring me much of joy either.

I don't know where I was going with this. I just want to have fun with people over things I'm starting to like again. I want to feel happy over liking things I do. But it's hard if everywhere I look people seem hostile or opposite of carefree, whether it's my perception of them or for real.