#jossu's random rambling

[jossujb]

Once upon a time, before the great titty ban on 2018, Tumblr actually was full of pretty neat porn from both amateurs and niche freelance sex workers. Sure the bots were a problem as well, but you could find work from small creators who get either pushed to aside or fucked over on other sites.

Nowadays all the cool little genuine people are pushed outside to survive on shittier terms, but Tumblr is still allowing straight up exploitative fake camgirls on be shoved to my fac on Tumblr live like I'm a fucking idiot.

Wouldn't Tumblr live be cool if the camgirl content actually was from Tumblr users, like back when you could just follow someone's part-time hustle and it wasn't just some corporate greed and exploitation program.

I feel so fucking stupid sometimes.

[jossujb]

Karate groups xmas party was such a massive success yesterday - tho some drama was involved as you'd expect. Gossip around who is dating who and if someone had been caught kissing naughty. Some people had too much to drink, some people said too much, there was music and there were games.

Today I was sorting some gossip I heard, just so people are aware what's been talked behind their back, but gosh, was it also so much fun to say that I love you as friends. You're amazing and lovely and there's no bad words that can make it any other that fantastic.

[jossujb]

Is it really pathetic that I am so exited for the local karat competition? It just makes me feel very important. Apparently this year it was so difficult to get a full set of officials that even I get to be in one of the main ones xD I think that's for all the under 18 kumite that's not like toddlers.

I dunno, cos I feel like trash all the time, like nobody cares or needs me for anything it does genuinely give me some fucking dopamine hit that get I like super extra polite oh Jossu so so so nice for you to come we'd be a person short if you didn't.

I am so lame.

[jossujb]

I dunno if you guys have listened the last Beatles song that dropped yesterday: "Now And Then".

I sure have. Like I said on my IG stories right when it dropped, I have my very reasonable fears when it comes to using AI to finish unfinished art. There is plenty of examples of posthumous exploitation of artist's work, and all artists if all fields are rightfully suspicious of your likeness and proximity of your mind being used for soulless nothing.

But in this case in particular, with this song, with these lyrics, this message... The way George Harrison made the guitar solo back in 1996 for it, how Yoko Ono gave the tape, how the technology only now was ready to make it bloom.

Artist are afraid of being used. Artists are also equally afraid of leaving things unfinished.

Back in the day, whenI was 15 or something, I changed my mind on a day I was planning committing a suicide, cos I had bought a Beatles album I hadn't listened enough. Sure I have mad few attempts since, but you never know if that had been the one I succeeded in. Music made reconsider.

I think about it now and then.

[jossujb]

Somewhat of a rough spot going on in my karate as well... but that's ok, that's the nature of the beast.

Lately sensei hasn't given me too many comments neither on positive or negative way. But I remember his last feedback word for word: he said, that right now I am the most average student in the dojo, neither very skilled but not very bad either. He said that right now he expects me to push it, do it harder.

Don't be a pussy, basically xD

Anyway. I know that his teaching method is that he gives personalized goals, and mine is that I have to show strength of mind and body before I get more attention.

The tough part is that right now I have insecurities that keep me from doing as hard as I could. I'll get there.

[jossujb]

So, Tawastia Open karate competition came and went, and it was so cool! My tatami started with kata, and then we continued with boys and men's kumite for the longest time, our work ended the last.

It was really difficult at first, some of the judges were inexperienced too, there was some new lining in rulings that heated everyone's feelings. That's a interesting feeling when the judges, the coaches and the players are all yelling at the same time. Kumite itself was much harder when it comes to contact that I was expecting from watching games online for reference - but I think that was due to having small set of judges, and the gams being this small local ones with wide range of skills. Interesting, inspiring, a bit dangerous, I liked it.

And it did strengthen my desire to maybe compete one day myself on these kinda small local matches. I am ot o sure my sensei is super for it, but it is a dream nonetheless.

So I was a table official, making notes both on paper for scores ad penalties, and on computer manning the clock. We had three people on table switching different roles, but the difficult part was that my mates both had some anxiety issues and they simply couldn't speak to the microphone - so I sometimes lost my marbles, when I was asked to give a call-out when I was right in he middle of doing something.

One of the Estonian judges had a nice backside to look at from my point of view he he he.

Lovely experience. Something completely different from what I would otherwise ever do in my life - or have ever done in general.

[jossujb]

First time in many many weeks in my karate class I got feedback, I got compliments and harsh critique and it feels so goddamn good.

A first I got a compliment on few week executed kicks that laded o the target when doing some contact sparring.

Secondly sensei was impressed that I had improved my kata on my own and did good work with it today.

And then he he said that he won't fucking tolerate overreaching positions with my shoulders anymore and that's that do something about it, and I could weep from joy.

The right amount of praise really makes the brutality go down.

[jossujb]

What I find absolutely hilarious is that some people genuinely are disgusted and surprised that Jigsaw/John Kramer are kinda like antiheroish in Saw X.

Tell me you haven't seen the nine previous movies with telling me you haven't sen them xDDD

Are you kinda dumb or something, you're watching goreporn and are appalled that makes you uncomfortable in your little moral compass.

That's kinda the point of Saw in general, that the killer supposedly picks up victims who "deserve it", some people end up in the traps for pettier reasons than others. John thinks he's a higher being who works in objective ways, when in actuality he's just as hypocrite as anyone.

You're supposed to feel some satisfaction when some fucking annoying bitch gets torture murderer - just like you're supposed to be uncomfortable with the notion that feel that way. That's the psychological part of the horror, that maybe you have a little Jigsaw inside your heart. Maybe you could justify sadistic murder spree if you deemed the victims had it coming.

Pfff.

"This art makes me feel uncomfortable things about myself, it must be bad", boo hoo you're boringgggg

[jossujb]

I got the most important part of my soo-to-finished degre done, as I did my in-practice showcase exam done. Well, I have three of them, but this was the most critical.

I got really good review, I didn't even get any critiques. The teacher just said it's obviously passed. Good good. I most likely get my paper out on November.

I even have the opportunity to apply for a stipend of 414 euros after I grad. And it's a good thing I graduate this year, because the worsening of social benefits and security in resent Finland is taking all of these sort of things away - but up until this point, if you have been fully employed for 5+ years and manage to finish vocational examination as and adult, you can apply for stipend.

Which is good thing obviously, to encourage adults with lacking/spotty education like I do to go for it. I dunno, the Finish government at the moment is cutting all the funding from adult education at the moment...

Which is really backwards, cos at the same time they say that people have to work more and keep educating themselves to fit employers needs - and yet they make it so much harder to catch up if you fucked up in younger years.

I wasted my entire of young adulthood to several mental illnesses and hey it's wonderful that I am getting it back together. I am sad that maybe I'm the last one getting the chance.

[jossujb]

Had a very fanfiction moment but in real life, when in karate I got a hard blow to my face (from a volleyball lololo) and man I have my heart out patched me up with an ice pack. He thought I got a concussion, but it's just a bruise. I just tend to have this personality flaw sort of thing, that my first reaction in a shocking situation is to get overtly passive.

I think I have improved my confidence and such. Pushing it further not giving up so easily. I found that to be important both in our kumite practice and kata. I was practicing sport style combat with black belt today, and obviously I didn't score a single point - but he wasn't scary. Today the environment felt like a safe space.

[jossujb]

Usually I like Tumblrs idiotic shenanigans, but I have to say that that clown on my dash looks exactly like some of my sleep paralysis demons and I don't appreciate it.

[jossujb]

I am just relistening early episodes of Jago & Litefoot (you should too if you have Audible or Spotify or have like pennies to spare, the early seasons are really cheap these days) and goddamn the chemistry between the gentlemen is chef's kiss <3

The Necropolis Express is like the best episode to introduce the series to a newcomer, if you really must just pick one random episode. The contrast between Litefoot and Jago is really prominent mostly cos they are still somewhat new in their relationship, so they're bit more formal than later seasons, which brings out the upperclass vs lower class, formally educated vs learned on the job, science vs supernatural contrasts -

BUT

The thing that makes Jago & Litefoot makes so good that never sides with one characters. For example in The Necropolis Express the first half is poking fun at how superstitious and frankly ridiculous Jago is thinking that all the corpses in the coffins are alive and how the movements on the earth are machinations from Hell, and Litefoot is pointing out natural and calms explanations for all of them - ONLY for Jago to be exactly right on the money, and Litefoot is just painted bing annoying not believing first hand witness.

Then again, later in the same episode, they meet a person who has veiled their face is harsh, but somewhat polite, suspicious, yet Jago is giving every benefit of the doubt. He may be poor, down on his luck, not used to visitors, shy and reserved and that's contrasted against how Litefoot is immediately thorny and made his mind o the person - and this case Litefoot is ON POINT, he's the motherfucker of the story.

But do you see how their dynamic would work in different situations? neither really character flaws per se, they just have different sets of assets. In some episodes it's absolutely vital that Litefoot is solid on his scientifics and does't swallow any old nonsense people spew - but in other episodes that makes him a quite a annoying besserwisser. Jago is easily spooked by stories and has talent of making himself more scared with imagination - but he he doesn't doubt on the face of the devil, if he has to kill a werewolf or fight a zombie or whatever he can't be stopped by saying "but but there ain't such things as zombies." Bitch, if it bites, I act upon that, right?

Also, it's generally a positive personality trait that Jago is never bigoted or prejudiced person. On some episodes it does put him in a harm's way tho if he excuses someone too long. Litefoot has that on the spot vibe check that more often than not is useful in their infernal investigations - but it has made him strongly despise some people for flippant reasons, that make him less kind that he probably thinks he is. And on that note, sometimes he also trusts people solely on the fact that vibes didn't go off, and that's also dangerous.

So you know. Every personality trait they have is good on an one episode and bad in the next. That feels really realistic to me.

[jossujb]

Today we had a little day camp for all the children who take karate classes, so I was participating there helping the little kids. After than I took my regular Sunday class, and an extra one with the competition team...

I dunno, I know I am just a beginner, but it is very motivating to try and keep up with more experienced karatekas. You kind of get the idea what you're actually trying to learn in the long term.

[jossujb]

Today we made a fitness test in karate - that brought up some very repressed school PE memories to the surface, but anyway, well passed :D

I did 11 push-ups, which is not very much, but it is 11 more than same time last year, so. I do have to build my chest and back muscles, I pretty much have just bone there.

Funny how like even competitiveness and comparing yourself to others doesn't feel bad at all when you're training with people you like. I'm still not the most competitive person out there, but I do find competing somewhat enjoyable these days. And it's not about wanting to be the best or fearing being the worst, it just feel exciting in the moment.

[jossujb]

Good morning Sunshine, the Earth says hello

[jossujb]

I did do my regular training today and after that did some free form practice with few people at he same ranking. But my mood took a massive dive into a black hole, because a person I was training with had his child with him, and the kid had already had a training of his own today and it was getting a bit late. And the kid was so obviously tired and bored while we adults were still occupied. The kid even said directly as much being tired, but the dad wasn't very much paying attention.

Then I tried to tell his dad that maybe we could end early, since the kid is getting exhausted, but he was like no no he's disciplined enough it's ok. And the kid got uncomfortable and said he's fine he's fine, but the kid was like I dunno, 8 years old?

I dunno if I am just sensitive. Cos I don't have children I don't really know anything about parenting. But to me it felt a little unnecessary, you know?