#joel like. fights him. keeps it from talking by literally shoving it away from front

[alexiskk]

Hiii‼️‼️ I M SO GLAD THAT TLOU TICKLE COMMUNITY IS GETTING BIGGER🫶🫶 and I have a few fics ab tlou myself so if you wanna check it or what you are free to go, but I have a few tickle ideas for Ellie and Joel because I LOVE THEM

Soo

1. Ellie is trying to get Joel laughing but it can be reversed into a tickle fight

2. Joel is just messing with Ellie when teaching her how to play a guitar

3. Tickle fight between Tommy and Joel (brotherly moment) (and Ellie could just saw it and join😭😭)

omg I literally want to do all of these(and i probably will at some point) they are so good but i have to do #3 I have the best little drabble in my head! hope u enjoy🫶 srry it’s rough, i wrote this in one night and i got a bit carried away lol

also go check out @potatohater their fics are big slay ! ! !

Brotherly Love

“there is no way im helping you with the truck”

“quit throwing such a fit ya stubborn asshole” Joel smiled and shoved into his brother’s shoulder as he scooted his way over in the kitchen to the lukewarm pot of coffee.

Joel was in quiet the good mood today. A few days ago on a patrol around Jackson, he found himself upon a bright red 2003 Ford-F150. Well, he assumed it was bright red in its glory days, as by now it had accumulated a dull rusty exterior followed by a coat of moss that had begun creeping up off the tires and onto the rest of the car. But he didn’t seem to care, as all he saw was an opportunity in front of him. While Jackson provided Ellie and him with a sense of comfort, he selfishly missed the days of traveling across the states together, and he could sense that restless energy in Ellie as well. Even if they were short trips, he wanted something back that he felt like he was missing since they had settled. Yes, Ellie relying on him scared him, but it also seemed to give him a sense of purpose he just couldn’t quite find here.

“Joel, i-i got the kid this weekend, Maria’s on patrol and in meetings an-”

“you are such a bad liar little brother” Joel looked up from his mug as he sipped and gave Tommy a sly smile.

“I already talked to her this mornin’. Said you’d be just fineee helpin’ out.” Joel smirked and leaned up against the counter behind him. “Said it’d keep you outta trouble”

Tommy shot Joel a side eye and shook his head as he let out a sigh

“Talk about trouble, what the hell do you think your gonna do with that truck Joel”

“Mmm so you are gonna help me now huh?”

“There is no way in hell, but if I were, I’d want to make sure you don’t kill yourself once it’s all done with” Tommy’s eyes searched the counter that Joel was leaned up against as he spoke.

“This can’t be just for joyrides Joel, where the hell is it you’re wantin’ to go?”

“You gotta shake on it first”

Tommy shot another look at Joel as he remembered where what he was looking for was.

“Look, I’m just saying messin with that truck in any regard is a stupid fuckin idea I mea-EAN-!” Tommy was suddenly cut off while he opened the overhead cabinet diagonal to Joel’s head to grab a pan for his morning eggs. Out of nowhere, Joel jabbed his fingers into Tommy’s side, almost as if it was a reflex. Tommy entire body jolted accompanied by a concealed squeal that he tried to play off by clearing his throat, but it seemed to be too late for him, as the stare Joel was sending him was already telling him everything he needed to know.

The two brothers stared at each other in silence, both quite shocked to what transpired seconds before. After the jab Tommy had jumped back about a foot, but he was still in close enough territory to remain nervous about his big brother’s next move.

Joel had his eyebrows slightly raised with slightly squinted eyes, but he held a straight face and a calm demeanor, even still, you could hear that hint of smirk behind every word.

“Hey Tommy, would you come here for a second?”

Tommy’s face looked angry, but was almost ghost white with fear at the same time, like he knew what could happen at any second.

“Don’t you dare Joel”

“Awh don’t be so shy baby brother”

In a whorl-wind, Joel leap over at Tommy, hands outstretched like bear claws towards his torso. In a spontaneous yet, extremely strategic move, Joel wrapped his hands around Tommy’s sides and squeezed. Tommy’s once escape plan of sprinting away crumbled in front of him as he felt himself crumble with a grunt under Joel’s grasp, and in a swift move Joel has knocked him off his feet and pinned him beneath him on the kitchen floor. From here Tommy began to struggle below his older brother, and as his feet slipped against the hardwood floor a familiar helpless feeling began to fade back in.

“Just like ol’ times eh Tom?”

“You old fucker get off of mEHEHA-”

Tommy felt his dignity slip from his grasp as his brother enormous hands shook around his ribcage. There was little time between the stifling spurts of laughter to full on childlike giggles pouring out of Tommy’s mouth, and Joel was eating up every minute of it. He pretended like he wasn’t paying attention as his little brother was bouncing below him, fit to be tied with his own laughter, but there was a recognizable smile that crept onto Joel’s face wether he liked it or not. There seemed to be little to none of these nostalgic brotherly moments for them these days, so for Joel to catch him like this was music to his ears.

“I’m sorry what’s that Tommy? somethin about helpin me with the truck?” Joel chuckled as he pretended to yell over Tommy’s laughing fits as he switched to digging his knuckles into his brothers sides.

“ YOUHUO DUHUMB SOSHAHN OF A BIHIHTCH I’LL KIHIILL YOHAHA”

“Mmm yeah you definitely seem to be in a position to do that brother.” Joel smirked, he was having way too much fun with this.

Tommy was continuously trying to push against Joel’s hands digging away at his sides, when Joel saw an opportunity to snake his hands up underneath Tommy’s arms where he realized Tommy’s laughter could reach a new octave.

“JEHEHAHSUS JOEHEL MERMHECY”

Tommy’s head was thrown back and arms clamped to his sides as he sucumbed to the torture joel was dealing him. His laughter was on the verge of silence and he couldn’t beli-

“What the fuck joel are you trying to kill him?”

Between all the commotion, neither brother had bothered to notice a shocked Ellie waltz downstairs, most probably woken up from all the ruckus they were causing. Both brothers turned to look at her, Joel stopped his assault but did not get up, while Tommy was merely attempting to catch his breath.

“Uhhh he owes me a favor El.” Joel replied with a smirk on his face, yet slightly embarrassed from Ellie witnessing the encounter.

“Uh-huh” Ellie replied, still in shock to see the brothers this affectionate.

“H-He’s a fuckin’ liar E-Ellie don’t fall f-for it” Tommy sputtered out, still trying to recover.

Joel shot him a dirty look, but a smile began to creep on to his face, one that terrified Tommy.

“Hey kid, care to help?”

Immediately Tommy’s chorus of no’s directed at Ellie filled the room followed by a desperate “you gotta help me El” only to be followed up with muffled chatter as one of Joel’s hands covered his mouth.

Ellie took a few seconds to realize what she was getting herself into, after all not every morning at the Millers presented an opportunity like this, but she knew what she had to do.

“Want me to get his knees?” She asked almost too excitedly, causing Tommy to groan beneath Joel.

“Smart kid”

Joel gesture her over and she placed her knees on either side of Tommy’s shins.

“Ready El?”

“Sure am”

Tommy’s pleas continued, growing in volume the closer Joes hands got. But, as soon as Joel reached his arms forward into Tommy’s sides, Ellie saw the opportunity she needed. She shot her hands forward right underneath Joel’s arms and squeezed like there was no tomorrow. She felt the confusion in Joel’s body, first tightness and then resistance, and for a scary second she thought he might not b-

“E-ELHEHIE NOHOHO DOHONT-”

Joel’s entire body began fighting the ticklish sensation pulsating through his body, curving and arching his back in anyway he could to shake the little rascal off. He had completely forgotten his attack on Tommy, giving his little brother the opportunity to help out with the onslaught but wrapping his hands around Joel’s hipbones, and from there Joel was done for.

With attacks coming from both sides his body seemed to be in sensory overload, as he didn’t even notice Tommy slip out from underneath him, where he then pushed him to his side, and pinned him down himself, never ceasing the rhythm of jabs into his hips. Ellie at this point was able to let Tommy take over, well until-

“Hey Ellie, get his knees!”

“DOHONT YOUHU DAHAHRE ELLEEHEIE”

Joel was continuously trying to compose himself, but as Tommy moved his attack up his older brothers sides, the electrical ticklish shocks he felt throughout his body caused any gruff, strength, and pride he had in his tough demeanor to slowly fade away.

“Gladly”

Ellie’s smile was as big as Joel’s at this point, she had never seen the man who protected her across the US from infected, cannibals, and everything else in between, giggle, at least never like this. She couldn’t help but join in herself as she positioned herself so familiarly over Joel’s shins.

Tommy paused for a brief second as Joel was too incapacitated by exhaustion to back any kinds of counter attack.

“Do right above the kneecaps, he’ll love that”

“Oooo your gonna get it motherfucker” Ellie smiled and positioned her hands.

“N-Now if y-you asshats do-HOHONT KNOHAHCKAHAHA-”

There was not even a second for Joel to keep his cool as Tommy dove his hands into each space within his ribcage accompanied by the rapid squeezing provided by Ellie, this was full on torture for the man.

“Nothin but a bit of brotherly love eh Joel?”

“SHUHUAHAUT IHIT TOHAHAHMOHMY”

“Awh quit throwing such a fit ya stubborn asshole”

Even as his own words were used against him, Joel couldn’t fight the joyful snickers and uncontrollable laughter that seems to bubble out of him, for a a strong as he is he felt everything leave him under the touch of the two smiling bafoons that held him down.

“Joel you’re such an asshole for never mentioning this, you made me use the joke book to make you laugh?” Ellie smiled and joined in on the tease, as she was now squeezed to the rhythm of an old song she used to have on tape.

Joel had no response to the teenagers quip as he held is head in his palm in his own fit of giggles, surprising even Tommy at this point.

“Alright alright, we probably shouldn’t kill the old man” Tommy let up on his brother, patting his shoulder as he stood up.

“U-uh we might not have killed him but he looks pretty fucking broken. This isn’t the Joel I ever remember” Ellie had gotten up at this point and was now squatted next to Joel, holding the sides of his head at his temples. His eyes were closed as he was attempting to regain himself but the constant sputter of laughter would seep out through his nose or mouth, almost as though there were residual tickles all on and around him.

This by far was the most relaxed Joel’s felt in years, his brain had completely let go and although he would never admit it, he would probably say that brotherly love did him more good than a rusty old truck ever could. Instead, he finally regained his breath after a few more out-spurts and turned his smile into one of his disapproving frowns as he opened his eyes and looked up at Ellie and Tommy.

“If either of you ever do that again, so help me god I will break your godamn jaws”

“Awh just say you liked it motherfucker”

[death---dealer]

Bar Night Tango. ( Billy Joel Oneshot. )

It’s me ya girl.............. With a 3K word billy joel oneshot that will get zero notes. please enjoy thank u 

Title: Bar Night Tango.  Pairing: Implied! Billy Joel x Fem! Reader. Words: 2934. Rating: T ( LANGUAGE, mild harassment.) 

There was an intense smell of three things, some of which made you want to shift in your seat to get farther away from it while there was one that ultimately made you stay in your spot. Beer, that ghostish and wheat scent that tickled your nose, body heat in the form of sweat. It was an already muggy evening and cramming bodies together in a minuscule bar that was meant for maybe ten people, was less than ideal. People were shoving against your back as they passed by, beer foaming from over their glass, down to catch on their hand and even down their arms depending how rugged they moved. The last smell that was in your vicinity was that of your friend across the table, the entertainment of watching other people all too amusing for his green eyes to be torn from. People watching was something the brunette in front of you quite enjoyed. Whether for the sake of being the wallflower or for the fact that watching people revealed more about them than speaking… At least, this was something that you noted he did when you two went out like this, ironic in the sense that you found some pleasure in watching him watch others, waiting for the day that his eyes are pulled from them and are fixated on you. Waiting or dreading for that day, you were unsure because it left so much unknown. Why would he look at you like that? With that gleam of curiosity he so often let be expressed upon his face from the way his eyebrows arched, to the way that his lips would curl in a cute fashion, the tapping of his fingers against the table as he went ahead and read your face like an open book. A grin, not a smile, you corrected yourself, fingertips rubbing the top of your half emptied beer.

Despite what your nose was smelling, there was nothing like the exhilaration of being shoved into a bar that he’d suggest, in fact, you knew that you would yearn for this feeling once the night was over and he dropped you off at him, giving you a glance over his shoulder to make sure you made it inside okay. His smell was distinctive to you, you had grown so accustomed to it that it felt you were bathing in it at times. His favorite kind of cigarette as if there was one between his plush lips at this very moment but there wasn’t, it was simply on his breath that seemed to hitch for a split second as he glanced your way, giving that typical Billy smile. Crooked, off to the side and bashful in some twisted innocent way. He didn’t know and from that smile, you could tell. He had no idea that as you looked at him, your heart would heave up to your throat and almost linger there the entire night, strangling you. Reminding you that friend was all you were. Friends this, friends that. 

You’d push aside that feeling of losing air, of drowning in things like his smell, like the bounce of his hair as he readjusted himself in his seat, moving slightly closer to you with a lean in. “Ya good?”

“I’m fine.” You squeaked out, being thrusted back into the reality of what was happening. No secret glances between the two of you, no silent words being spoken through body language. It was just another Friday night with your three favorite B’s. Bars, Beer and…. “Billy.”

Billy had lit a cigarette, when you were unsure but it was sitting snug between his pointer and middle finger, his hand so effortlessly draped over the ashtray on the table as the cherry fell off the tip and burnt out quickly. “Whattda want?” If he said that in any other tone you’d have been offended but alas. That was just his way of speaking. Absolute New York Style. Sharp and to the point. Attention was drawn from each other momentarily as a new pianist made their way to the stage, mumbling something to a passersby or a friend before taking their seat in the almost scorching spotlight.

“I’m going to pop to the bar to get water, it’s way too hot in here.”

With that being said, a smile popped onto Billy’s face as if he was saying to you, ‘I’m the only hot thing in here.’ Or maybe, it was just your fantasizing mind that imagined him saying that to you with a mere tilt of his lips that quickly turned a smile into a suggestive smirk. “Grab me one while you’re at it, needa replenish before more beer.” Licking his slightly dry lips, he watched the pianist on stage trickle their fingers along the black and white keys. If he wanted, Billy could absolutely play every single one of them under the table. But, there was no sense in showing off. Well, there was a minor sense to go up there and play a fistful of songs… He tilted his head towards you, dilated green eyes scanning your face as you slipped off your seat.

“Gottcha.” Billy graciously handed you a few dollars that should cover the waters and a small tip for the bartender who was no doubt trying to keep up with the rampant amount of people who showed up to Open Mic night. “I’ll be quick.”

“Impress me with your speed.”

Rolling your eyes, you put a hand on his shoulder when you passed him to get to the bar with a coy, “Don’tcha know speed is a turn off for ladies?”

Billy threw his head back at that with a laugh, subconsciously raising his hand to his now barren shoulder, rubbing where you had so kindly rested for a brief second in some meager attempt to hold onto that feeling of pressure. His laugh died down in the sound of the piano and others chattering all around him, the smile that had consumed him when you where around falling as he drew his bottom lip in and nibbled upon it. Reaching over the table to where you were sitting, he picked up your half-drunk beer and chugged the rest of it himself, slamming the glass down onto the table upside down. He’d get you another one if you wanted, but this was your third and you never seemed to finish it, asking with those pouty eyes for him to finish it because it would be such a waste… Those eyes, Billy thought and looked over his shoulder at you. You were leaning against the wooden bar, which admittedly, looked as if it were ready to topple over if one more person leaned against it. He wished you were facing him, looking back with that awkward wave you gave people when you didn’t know what else to do. Billy wished for a split second that you’d come back with the waters, rest them on the table and run a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his eyes while saying something like, ‘How can you see with your hair all up in your face?’

‘No thank you.’ Reading your lips, he shook his head and pulled focus back. There was someone next to you now, and if he had been paying attention instead of daydreaming about something that would never happen, he’d have noticed them a minute ago, sauntering up to you. Quite literally sauntering. Billy hadn’t ever seen someone move with such faux vigor before. Cocky bastard, he thought to himself with a roll of the eyes, probably not enough to satisfy anyone so he’s gotta act, pity. That was spiteful, he was being mean as a way of coping that someone who wasn’t him… Was very obviously flirting with you. There was a swell in the singer's chest. As if he could satisfy anyone anymore, a lot like this moron next to you. He was an acquired taste and those who wanted him he very seldom wanted back. Now, with you… That would be different. He’d jump the gun at that opportunity, if you wanted him like that. 

“Really, you don’t need to buy me anything.” Laughing nervously, you grabbed the two waters that the bartender had given you, the icy drink feeling great against the sweat of your palms. “I’m here with someone---” “Why didn't he come get your drinks then, pretty thing?” The man next to you uttered a bit too closely to your ear. “If I were here with ya, I’d treat ya like a princess. Get ya all the drinks ya want… how about something a little fruity? Ya don’t look like the type who drinks beer.”

Your eyebrows furrowed. Was… Was that meant to be a compliment? Because it sure as hell was. Not. Irritated, you faced him with a nere shit-eating grin. “I fucking love beer. Now, excuse me.”

“That ain’t no way to talk to a man who just offered to buy you a drink!” His voice raised an octave. “Yo should be fuckin’ over the moon you even got my attention! You goddamn bitch.” 

This ogre of a man had gotten closer to you as he spilled insults from his lips. One after the other, and it left you with a bit of whiplash. First, he offers you a drink, twice, obviously not willing to take no for an answer, and when no was the ultimatum, the tables turned and you were everything he didn't want. You weren’t an easy woman and you didn't want to go down without a fight but when he grasped hold of your wrist, keeping you planted without any means of escape, no biting sarcasm or fighting words seemed to come to mind. In fact, you were petrified as stone, staring at him with wide eyes as you wiggled your wrist, trying to get free. Your lips parted but the voice that came out wasn’t your own.

“Let go of her.”

“Now the shrimps are talkin’.” The asshole in front of you sneered at Billy as he stood up beside you, the light from the bar illuminating his face. If he was terrified, he wasn’t showing it. But, it was typical Billy style to cover it up, especially when he came to the defense of someone. Protective by nature, you considered him though you weren’t sure if that was such a good quality now as this guy grasped your wrist harder, surely leaving a lovely bruise to be admired later.  “Why don’t you take a walk and leave the business to me and the pretty gal here?”

You gasped at the stinging sensation on your skin.

“Ah fuck you.” Billy snapped, grabbing the waters out of your hands and resting them on the bar. “She said no, how many times does she gotta say it?” You weren’t sure how, but Billy managed to muster himself between you and the guy, your wrist now free for your hand to rub gently, regaining feeling in it. “No is no, shit head. Fuck off ‘less you wanna go out back and maybe throw a few hands. Winner gets to buy the girl her drinks for the rest of the night.”

“Little shirmp has a fuck ton to say.” The burly man muttered, “I’d beat you into a pulp that even orange juice wouldn’t want.”

Billy didn't flinch as this man leaned forward, getting precariously close to him that he could feel his beer-bitten breath all over his face. “Wanna fuckin’ bet, asshole?”

“Billy, I dunno, he’s reall---” 

Holding up his hand, Billy stopped your sentence from finishing with one quick motion, not taking his eyes off his now new-named opponent. You sputtered to a stop and peered at his hand before looking at the side of his face. He was completely stone. No emotion but disgust and pure anger shining on his usually bubbly face. He was scowling and while that was attractive in its own right, you found yourself almost flopped over in worry. Digressing was obviously no good, you thought and bit your lip nervously. A fight over you? You weren’t worth that and well… Billy wasn’t the biggest of guys, he wasn’t the strongest and the only sure fire thing he had was passion and determination, which would no doubt get him along but only so far until one punch too many to the face knocked him on his back and out cold. Swallowing back the urge to yank his shoulder and pull him away from a no brainer fight, an action that would no doubt wound his pride a bit, you took a deep breath in and let him use his words first.

“You,” Billy pointed at him, his finger digging into this man’s chest. It looked painful, you thought to yourself, poking at so much muscle and fat. “Me, outside. We’ll see who turns off the---”

He was socked in the face before that statement could even be finished. The next few seconds seemed to go in slow-motion, watching as Billy was punched right square in the face, nose bending to the side slightly, eyes squeezing shut as the pain exploded in his brain, sending the signals to the rest of his body that he had just been attacked. The fall back against you as you struggled to keep him up right and had you not been right behind him, you were positive his back and the floor would have had a lovely time meeting. Shit, you thought, wide eyed. You couldn’t hold him up, falling to the ground with him slowly, your arms awkwardly placed under his arm pits as his upper half leaned back against yours. “Oh shit…” You whispered, looking up at the jerk who probably just broke Billy’s nose. “What the fuck is your issue?! You can’t just go punchin’ people who---” “He was in my way.” “Fuck you!” Your voice was more than loud, it seemed to dim down the rest of the sounds around you. “Fuck off!” And that he did, at the leniency of the security guard who just happened to watch the entire scenario unfold. A tiny sense of happiness did run over you watching the macho man being escorted from the building with fits of anger, “I did nothin’! That bitch and that shrimp---!” You didn't hear the rest of that statement as he was shoved outside. 

Billy’s nose was bleeding. You couldn’t tell from which nostril, probably both. And from the look of it in the dim light coming from the bar, he was definitely bruised around his left eye. It was a good hit. And if he weren’t unconscious, you’d hear it from him, ‘Can you believe I took a hit like that?’ He brag, no doubt. He’d be cocky, no doubt. Laughing slightly at that, you pushed down the tears that you felt were going to roll down your cheeks and shifted to caress his face softly. “Billy?” You whispered, now having to ignore the fact that you were sitting on a dirty bar room floor with your friend, almost lifeless in your arms as a few tears finally peaked from your eyes. They rolled down, catching on your chin before dropping onto Billy’s face, mixing with the blood running from his nose. “Oh my god please wake up, I don’t wanna explain to the police---”

“Am I in heaven?” Billy muttered, coughing a bit as he finally came to. There was a rush to his head, a sense of adrenaline that often came after a fight. He seemed to struggle catching his breath, coughing the blood that had seeped into his mouth back up, his green eyes shut for a moment before they blinked open. Narrowly at first, he looked at you, his bottom lip slightly swollen. “Feels like I am, heh…” That laugh was in vain when a shot of pain hit the back of his head. “Oh fuckin’ Christ… My noggin….”

“Your nose is probably broken and you’re complaining about your head?” You laughed, lifting a hand and wiping your cheeks. “Jesus, Billy. That guy just flattened you like a pancake.”

“Did I win?” The brunette asked, shutting his eyes again and trying to recall anything that had happened in the last minute that he was out cold.

“Yes,” You snipped sarcastically, “That’s why I’m sitting here holdin’ you like a lady. You totally won.”

He smiled ditzily at you, your heart pounding at that sight, “I fuckin’ knew I would.”

Bonus ending:

“Here.” You handed him a bag of peas from your freezer with a small smile of sympathy. He held onto it for a second, looking at the details of the bag before looking up at you. His left eye bruised and slightly swollen, bottom lip completely wrecked for the time being, and his nose…. Thankfully not broken, just very…. VERY bruised. “Hold it against here…” Putting your hand on his, you lifted the cold item to press against the side of his nose, causing Billy to hiss out a bit. 

“Aye, watch it.” 

Rolling your eyes, you sat beside him on the couch and mused, “Thank you… For you know… defending my honor and all...” “It was my pleasure.” Billy smiled slightly, looking down at his feet as you held the bag against his face. “Just… Next time, don’t attract a circus freak. I’m a lil’ dude, can only handle guys who are maybe 5’9. Anything above that, you’re on your own.”

“I like that you’re a lil’ dude.”

Billy sighed, his shoulders dropping out of defeat, “Thanks for letting me think I won.”

“Anytime you want...”

[cwnerd12]

Fistopia

“Fistopia” On King Warner’s plane, David comes out of the bathroom and goes back towards his seat. Warner sits in front of Queen May and their army of children, Warner gestures to him, “David, come speak with me.” David, uneasily: “Sure.” He goes over and gets into the seat next to him. Warner: “I’ve been led to believe that you’re a man of God, is this true?” David, “I’ve been told that all God asks of us is that we do good. So I try to do good. So I guess if that’s what being a man of God means, then, yes. I don’t know how good of a job I’ve been doing, though.” Warner: “God certainly seems to favor you.” David laughs, “If he favors me, he has a funny way of showing it.” Warner: “You and I do things differently.” David: “You could say that.” Warner: “I personally believe that women belong in the home. I don’t allow women to serve in combat positions in my army, and I don’t have any women among my political advisors.” David: “You should consider changing that. Michelle, Abby, and Monique, along with Shay Mendoza, have each been absolutely critical in every success that the AFG has had.” Warner smirks, “That abomination is not a woman.” David, “Her name is Monique Magnifique, and she is a woman.” Warner grimaces, “Tell me about your relationship with Jack Benjamin.” David, “He’s saved my life. He’s incredibly dear to me.” Warner: “You should consider the ultimate fate of your soul, David.” David looks at Warner incredulously, “Well, sir, my personal life is my own, as is my relationship with God. And I assure you, after everything I’ve done, and everything I’ve seen, if my soul is going to be damned for all eternity, it’s not going to be because I fuck and pray the wrong way.” Warner: “If I’m going to help you, I’m going to need something in return.” David: “If we’re going to be negotiating things, I’m going to have to call Abby over here. I know you want Carmel back, and she’s the one who knows enough to be able to work out a deal with you.” Warner: “We’ll set up a deal later, then.” David: “I’m going to re-join my advisors.” Warner: “Do you know who is behind the attacks?” David: “No. Abby believes it may be a group calling themselves the Amalekites, but she can’t find anything about them.” Warner: “The Amalekites?” David: “Yeah, like the Bible.” Warner: “If they’re anything like the Amalekites of the Bible, we should be worried about them. But they haven’t attacked Ammon yet.” David: “Hopefully we can find them and stop them. That’s something we can agree on.” Warner: “Yes. Go join your advisors.”  David gets up and goes to sit down at the front of the plane.

A car pulls up to the army base, where Jack, Asher, Joel, and Shay are waiting. David steps out, followed by Abby, Michelle, and Monique. Jack, “There’s the hero.” He hugs David tightly, but David pulls away, saying softly, “Not here.” Inside, everyone sits around a table. David, “We need to figure out who’s behind these attacks.” Abby: “I’ve been trying to look into the Amalekites, and, it’s difficult to find pieces that fit together. Shay: “Are they even targeting us directly?” David: “They seem to have a thing for kings. If I’m gonna be king, I doubt they’re gonna like me.” Joel: “Who the fuck even are the Amalekites?” Abby: “I’ve been trying my best…” Joel interrupts, “No, like, why are they calling themselves Amalekites? Who are they people they’re naming themselves after?” Asher: “If you’re going strictly by definition, the Amalekites are a tribe of the ancient Holy Land who considered themselves to be the descendants of Amalek, the grandson of Esau. In more subjective terms, they’re often considered to be the archetypical enemy of the Israelites. They were the first to try to exterminate the Jews. One of the mitzvot followed by Orthodox Jews is, ‘Remember what Amalek has done to you.’ Hassidic Rabbis consider them to be a representation of the rejection of God.” Shay: “So we shouldn’t be fucking with them.” Jack: “Are we gonna let them fuck with us, first?” David: “We need to know more! They have to have a leader of some sort, someone who’s planning these attacks! Let’s start with that!” Jack: “Is there anything else from your trip that we need to be thinking about?” David sighs, “Warner wants a part of Carmel. Abby, that’s all your job.” Abby: “I already have a plan drawn up.” David: “Good. If there’s anything we can be doing in advance, we should be doing it. No telling what’s going to happen next.”

In his office, King Warner talks on video screen to William, “I’ve talked to Shepherd. He doesn’t want to negotiate with me, he’s sending his diplomat.” William: “That’s fine.” Warner: “I’m not declaring war on Gilboa until I get promised Carmel. Shepherd’s philosophy is too different from mine, he won’t hand it over, even if I can hand him the crown.” William: “You may have to accept part of Carmel at first. I’ve seen Abigail Hatch’s work, she’s nothing if not ruthlessly pragmatic. Accept the part they offer you, and then, I promise you, when the time is right, you’ll get all of it.” Warner: “What’s your ultimate plan, here, William? Why are you giving up half of your country?” William, with cold sincerity, “It’s not my country, it’s your country. Silas wrongly annexed Carmel, and I seek to undo his legacy.” Warner: “I understand a man wanting to be king, but this personal vendetta against Silas, I don’t understand it.” William, dramatically: “Do you really want to understand?” (“The Real Slim Shady”) Alister Cross sits at the head of the CrossGen board. William: “My father was a brilliant man. He built CrossGen from the ground up. When Gilboa was kingless, he was the closest thing we had to a king.” Alister and Jane Cross entertain at a society event, “He was bright, charismatic, cunning, he was beloved by all those around him. Because of him and his creations, the army of Gilboa was able to defend our land.” Alister, Jane, young William and Rose stand smiling like a royal family in front of an enormous mansion, “I was proud to be his son.” Alister argues his right to be king in front of a board of Army commanders. William: “He tried to get the army behind him, and he almost succeeded, but one officer refused.” Pan over to General Samuels, shaking his head. William: “He said that a man who made money off of war shouldn’t be king. Hypocrite! Do you know who he supported instead?” Young Silas, a clueless-looking new recruit. William: “The white trash literal kid next door whose alcoholic father beat him every night!” End music, Cut back to William talking over the screen, “I’ve been told that I’m just bitter that Silas got the crown instead of me. No, that’s not the case. I hated Silas long before the crown was ever on his head. And I had reason to after what he did to Rose.” Resume music, cut to: kid Silas chasing kid Rose as she rides ahead on a back and casts coy glances over her shoulder, “He’d been on her tail ever since we were kids! Childish infatuation! She always turned him away.” Teenage Rose stands in a white gown at her debutante ball. A line of young wealthy men stand to court her. “Rose was beautiful. She had eligible young men from respectable families falling all over her.” The front door of the Cross mansion opens, and teenage Silas, holding a pack over his shoulder, stands there, looking dejected. “Silas ran away from home when he was sixteen.” Alister stands in the front door. Rose appears on the staircase behind him, sees Silas, and smiles. “My father was kind to him! He gave him a place to stay!” Silas and Rose get it on in the guest house. “Rose always felt sorry for him, and at some point, she confused pity and sex for love.” Rose cries as Silas goes off to join the army. Alister and William look on approvingly. “I thought we’d gotten rid of him when he joined the army.” Rose accepts a diamond ring from a wealthy-looking young man, “Rose seemed to have grown out of her crush on Silas. She got engaged to Irwin Balthazar, who was from an excellent family!” Rose stands in a black dress in front of the Benjamin family house, which has guests in black on the front porch. “But then, she goes back to Temperance for one weekend! Just to see Silas and say goodbye to him one last time!” Rose in the doctor’s office, looking at two heartbeats on an ultrasound, “He gets her knocked up, and with twins, no less!” Cut music, William talking over the screen again, “Father wanted her to get a quiet abortion and marry Irwin, but she said no. She chose that cocky asshole over good breeding and respectability, even after what he did to me!” Warner: “What did he do to you?” Cut music, cut to: young William walks out of his fancy apartment building. To masked thugs grab him and put a sack over his head. The shove him into the back of a car and drive him out to the country. The car parks in front of an abandoned barn, and William is led inside and sat down. William, sobbing pathetically, “Please! My father has money! He’ll give you whatever you want! Just don’t hurt me!” One of the thugs pulls the hood off of William’s head. Sitting in front of him is young Silas, young Abner and some other army buddies standing behind him. Silas smiles brightly, “Hello, William. We’re going to talk about Rose.” Abner raises a giant-ass knife and smiles evilly. William screams in horror and terror, and keeps fucking screaming. William (voice over): “It’s not important.” Resume music, Rose and Silas get married, “So they get married in a no-cost wedding on an army base. The kids get born.” Silas fights a battle ferociously in the middle of a town, “Silas goes out and becomes a fucking hero.” Silas holds up the head of Nahash, “He killed the king of Gath. That’s why everyone wanted to make him king. Because he’s a fucking cold-blooded murderer.” Silas is crowned king of Gilboa. Rose watches and applauds proudly, while William scowls in the background. “He disgraced my family. His crown in mine. My father earned it, and I should have inherited it!” Silas and Rose stand posed with child Jack and Michelle, just like Alister and Jane before. End music. Warner, “So all you want is petty revenge.” William, “Yes. But it’s so much more than that.” Warner: “Pride is a sin, William. A man must want to be king for the right reasons.” William: “Do you want Carmel back or not?!” Warner, “I do. And I look forward to accepting it from you as king.” 

David sits on his bed with Jack leaning on his shoulder. Jack: “I don’t ever want to see you and an explosion on a TV screen at the same time again.” David kisses Jack’s hair, “I’m sorry. They tend to follow me. Probably should have considered that when you fell in love.” Jack, “God, that picture of you is hot, though.” David: “I’m killing someone in it.” Jack, “And looking incredibly sexy while you do so.” There’s a knock on the door, and Jack sits up and moves away from David. David answers the door, “Yes?” An Ammon soldier stands on the other side, “Letter came for you, sir.” He hands an envelope over to him. David: “Me?” David takes the envelope, it’s clearly addressed to him, down to the officer’s quarters. David: “Thanks.” Jack comes over and looks at it, “What the fuck.” Back in the meeting room, with everyone looking on, David opens the envelope. He pulls out a flyer featuring the lineup of the Fistopia Music Festival. David, “Fistopia?” Jack: “Fistopia is this weekend?” Shay: “There’s something on the back.”  David turns the back over. There’s a place marked on a map, “Meet here. alone. unarmed. learn the secrets of the Amalekites.” David reads it out loud. Shay: “What? Let me see that.” David hands her the flier, and she looks at it, “Oh, this is a trap. It might as well just fucking say ‘there’s a trap here.’” David, “What if it’s not? What if someone is actually trying to pass us information?” Abby: “I’ll contact the Fistopia organizers. They should know there’s a threat against them.” David: “This- this isn’t a threat!” Shay, “Then what the fuck is it?!” David, “It’s an invitation!” Shay: “Do you actually want to go?” David: “I- it might help.” Shay: “Help you get killed.” David: “Hey, I’m a soldier, I know how to defend myself!” Joel: “Seriously, David, this is more than a little scary.” David, “They know where we are. What if I don’t go to them, and they decide to come to us?” Shay: “If you’re going, I’m gonna go with you.” David: “It says to go alone.” Shay: “I’ll be as close nearby as I can be, then. Have any of us actually been to Fistopia?” Jack: “It’s only fun after your third tab of acid. Otherwise, it’s a bunch of dirty, sunburned, screaming hipsters.” He grabs the flier and looks at the lineup, “Ooooh Horse Choir is gonna play.” Abby: “Sounds like a great place to attack, if you want to cause chaos.” David: “It’s not a political target, though.” Jack gasps, “Jonathan is High is gonna be there!” Michelle, “Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, you don’t even like their music.” David: “What?” Michelle: “Six stoner guys named Jonathan decided to get together and make a band. There was a time when social media pictures of bleary-eyed Jack standing in front of Jonathan is High posters were the scourge of Rose’s existence.” Jack, “Oh, god, how much do you think she’d give to have that be the worst of her problems again?” Abby: “We need to take this thing seriously.” Jack: “I know. It’s just, it’s fucking Fistopia! You go there to do a ton of drugs and listen to shitty music! Why would anyone want to attack it?”

Abby sits at a computer, video conferencing with King Warner. David sits out of view of the camera, without saying anything. Abby: “David and I have drawn up an area of Carmel that we’re willing to declare territory of Ammon when David is king. I sent you the files related to it.” Warner: “Yes, I’ve had a good look. The area is very small.” David grimaces and shakes his head. Abby: “It’s all we’re going to offer. Given David’s image as a freedom fighter, it would be unwise for him to deliver a large population of his supporters over to you. The population I’ve drawn up is loyal to Ammon, and the handover of territory will be supported there. It’s a wise move for all of us.” Warner nods, “I suppose you are right. I’ll accept your offer.” David’s eyes widen in surprise. He mouths, “Seriously?” Abby smiles, “Thank you very much, sir! I’ll tell David right away!” Warner: “Goodbye, Miss Hatch.” Abby: “Goodbye.” Abby closes the window, “Holy shit!” David doesn’t share her enthusiasm, “That’s…. weird. Considering that Warner could just dump us back in Gilboa, I thought he’d want more. He’s kind of got some pretty good leverage.” Abby: “Yeah, well, because of this, we’re not gonna be dumped back in Gilboa. This is a victory for us.” David: “Yeah, I know, it’s just it doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what it is, but, something’s off.” Abby: “I have some music festival organizers I need to call.” Later, Abby talks on the phone wile David hangs in the background. Abby: “This is Abigail Hatch of the Army of Free Gilboa. We’ve received a message that we think can be considered a threat against Fistopia. It’s a message to David Shepherd, telling him to meet someone at a specific location and learn the secrets of the Amalekites, the group we believe is behind the suicide bombings in Shiloh and Damascus,” pause, “Yes, but considering all the unknowns about this group, all possibilities need to be considered,” she listens for a moment, “It was sent directly to David Shepherd at a location that hasn’t been publicly disclosed. Yes, the David Shepherd,” pause, “No, he doesn’t, I told you, his location hasn’t been publicly,” she’s interrupted, “No.” She listens for a long time, sighs, and tips her head back in frustration, “It’s not worth putting the safety of your attendees at risk!” She listens on for a few more seconds, angry, “Please, ignoring it is…” She’s cut off. She drops the phone from her ear in frustration, “They say they’re not a political target, so they don’t consider the threat to be serious.” David: “Even coming from me?” Abby: “Yes! They said they’ve already invested too much money and don’t want to cancel at the last minute.” David, “Shit, this is going to be a mess.” Abby: “The smart thing to do is to not go.” David shakes his head, “I know. But- I can’t get over the fear of what will happen if I don’t.”

In a private room, Michelle nervously talks to Jack, “Listen, I have something to tell you, and you aren’t allowed to make some stupid comment about it when I’m done, okay?” Jack: “What?” Michelle takes a deep breath, “While I was in Damascus… I may have slept with Abby.” Jack claps his hands over his mouth, and he stares at Michelle for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Michelle, “Stop looking at me like that!” Jack lowers his hands to speak and says in his most innocent voice, “Like what?” Michelle: “Look, I’m still figuring a lot of this relationship bullshit out, and I don’t know what me and Abby are at this point, but that fucking happened.” Jack goes over to Michelle and hugs her. Michelle: “What are you doing?” Jack: “I’m hugging my sister because something fantastic has happened to her!”He lets go. Michelle, sheepishly, “We’re not like you and David yet.” Jack: “Are you happy?” Michelle grins a little bit, “Yeah.” Jack hugs Michelle again, “That’s all you need. I’m happy for you.”

The next morning, David and Shay, dressed to blend in at Fistopia, at least somewhat, stand by one of the souped-up cars. Jack speaks to David, “Seriously, man, if something goes down, get the fuck out of there. Don’t do anything stupid and heroic, okay?” David: “I promise.” Jack: “I’ve had enough of being scared for you.” He hugs David tightly, and David hugs him back, “I’ll be careful.”

Shay drives the car through a long stretch of desert while David sits in the passenger seat. They sit, stuck in traffic as loads of cars with camping equipment head towards Fistopia. Shay drives towards a cliff with a path that goes upward, a ways away from the main gathering of Fistopia. She parks, “Listen, I’m gonna be standing here the whole time. You may be unarmed, but I’m gonna be fucking armed, okay?” David, “Okay.” He looks up at the cliff, and gets out of the car.

David climbs the path up the cliff. Up at the top, he sees a lone figure overlooking the festival. David steps forward, “Hello?” The figure stays still. David continues walking towards the figure, “Hello! Are you the person who told me to be here?” The figure doesn’t move, and David gets close. The figure spins around. He is a handsome and well-groomed man, Alek Amal. His face is serious, but when he sees David, a smile switches on, “I knew you would come.” David, “Who the fuck are you, and what are these secrets of the Amalekites?” Amal steps away from David, “Are you really the future king?” David: “It’s what a lot of people seem to think.” Amal: “I don’t like kings. They’re never as good or as noble as they pretend to be.” David: “Are you behind the attacks?” Amal, “Society is falling apart.” David: “Who the fuck are you?!” Amal turns around, “My name is Alek Amal, and I’m going to give you a choice.” He pulls a big knife from his waistband and throws it so that it sticks in the dirt at David’s feet. Amal, “Kill me or save lives.” David: “What?” Below, the sound of an explosion. David, “Shit!” Amal, “Make your choice, King David.” David looks frantically from the knife to Amal, torn about his next step, locked in a staring contest with Amal. Another explosion. Amal smirks. David flinches, turns around, and runs. (“Personal Jesus” Mindless Self Indulgence cover)