#joe hawley catchphrase

[evertriednaturalketchup]

joe hawley signs a pokemon card (featuring his signature catchphrase at the end)

source

[remove-the-stairs-bitch]

Illithids.

Illithids my beloved. If you’ve played D&D for any amount of time, you know what I’m talking about. They’re squid-headed creatures which subsist on anthropoid brains, and can read/change minds. Continue reading if you must, but I warn you, these creatures don’t take kindly to being known. According to the Ancient Tomes (Gary Gygax’s exchanges with others), these creatures are meant to be lorekeepers, and only speak to others if they have knowledge, wisdom, or power to give them. Gold means naught to these creatures, and according to the wikipedia page for Oryndoll, their physical currency is the eyes of those who have seen and known. Tangentially related, but Stritchy’s eyes would count. Here’s Stritchy, with his own take on this*:

“I’d really rather not have my eyes used as currency, please. Also, using a screenshot of me is very rude. You could have just asked me. As an aside from that, don’t put words in my mouth. It’s a bridge, it’s meant to hold things, not spew them.” Thanks, Stritchy, for your divine wisdom! Anyways, the hierarchy of illithid currency is as follows: Low-intelligence creatures (1 copper) Creatures which are sentient, but not smart (1 silver) Creatures which are sentient and can speak (1 electrum) Creatures that are sentient and speak eloquently (1 gold) Creatures of unknowably high wisdom (1 platinum) 

This fluctuates depending on the amount of psychic residue in, on, and around the eye. For Stritchy, the base value is 1 copper. However, due to its catchphrase “Big Wall”, this value is changed to that for incredibly wise creatures, boosting it up to 1 platinum. However, since Stritchy is not something that would normally have sentience or an intelligence stat, this value is boosted to 13 platinum and 2 gold. Add the wisdom that’s simply oozing from the depths of its ebony irises, and you have exactly 17 platinum, 4 gold, 9 electrum, and 2 copper. This can buy a whole year’s supply of the finest brains from Glyth. Thank you for reading my horrible thoughts, they were never meant to be shared. *Stritchy did not agree to this, nor is he anywhere near me or my friends, and therefore we feel as though we are safe from Stritchy. Stritchy is the home decor of Joe Hawley, and is therefore “owned” by Joe Hawley. It merely resides in his home, though, rather than being owned, so is he really the proprietor of Stritchy? Or is he merely its landlord?