#jk but this is such a healing vid
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To the anon who asked about the tattoo! For me the healing process was a bit worse than actually getting the tattoo, and thatâs because of the itch! The itch gets real bad sometimes!
Oh yes Iâve heard about the itch! There was a recent video of JK itching his tattoos đ„ș, he must have had some of them done near the time of the vid đ„ș
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Yall wanna see my very rough rewrite of the tekken story where things remain mainly the same but I try to keep it sensible jk Iâm posting it now and you have no choice but to witness Keep in mind a lot of characters are yet to be mentioned or expounded upon and I also started it with the mood of a youtube vid where youâd be listening to someone but itâs slowly turning into more of a wiki page. Iâm at tekken 3 so far and Iâve been bouncing back and forth on the actual Tekken wiki page trying to get my info straight. Also trying to create the illusion that Heihachi MIGHT be a good guy like the series seemed to play with every now and again, or he might just want people to think heâs a good guy.
Letâs start at the beginning; with the young Heihachi and Kazumi meeting for the first time as she enrolls in Jinpachiâs dojo. Jinpachi and Heihachi are impressed by her ability to adapt to both her own Hachijo style Karate and Mishima style fighting arts. From here, Kazumi is but a carefully-placed plant, her current objective being to watch over Heihachi because of the risk of him causing destruction to the world. Kazumi does eventually begin to harbor real, genuine feelings for him, though, and as such the two get married. Itâs from here that the warning signs really start to show, though Kazumi tries to ignore them despite her original purpose. Heihachi insists his father end his focus on fighting arts to instead focus the Mishima Zaibatsu on producing weapons and engaging in matters of warfare so that their name continues to have strength when what he sees as outdated fighting techniques are no longer relevant. Jinpachi refuses, and as such asserts that Heihachi will never inherit the Mishima Zaibatsu. By now, Kazumi is even more hesitant as she is pregnant with Kazuya and understands that if Heihachi does become a threat as foretold, so too will Kazuya. She does her best to persuade Heihachi to change his mind about the direction of the zaibatsu, doing her best to change his ways while dancing around the whole âmy family foretold you would bring death and destruction to the worldâ angle. Heihachi assures her that heâs only concerned with his familyâs name and status, not being a war monger. Kazumi âbelievesâ him. Things calm down for a time, enough for Kazuya to be born and live a normal life until age 5. Heihachi still harbors outward resentment towards Jinpachi, and the two are all but estranged. Heihachi still keeps an eye on the company as Jinpachiâs health begins to decline and it becomes clear heâs nearing his end. Around this time, Kazumiâs devil gene is beginning to activate, seeing as the chance of Heihachi gaining ownership of the zaibatsu and enacting his plans for it is still very prominent. She does her best to fight it off but is overtaken by a fever one night which leads to the events shown in Tekken 7 of her transforming and revealing her true purpose to him before being killed. Kazuya witnesses only her death, and is understandably confused and angry. Heihachi is in no place to console Kazuya and instead responds in kind with anger. After Kazuya isolates himself Heihachi recalls that Kazumi revealed that she was not only sent to kill Heihachi, but would have to kill Kazuya as well, and wonders where that puts Kazuya in all of this. Did he inherit the same abilities? Would he stand against Heihachi in the future? Or would they work together? Rather than immediately casting Kazuya out, Heihachi intends to see what path Kazuya takes. He still lacks the emotional availability/complexity to properly raise Kazuya after the rift in their relationship and things are rocky between them to say the least. Kazuya doesnât believe any excuse Heihachi gives him for killing his mother, but as heâs only a child there isnât much he can do to retaliate. Jinpachi dies a year later and is burred under Hon Maru. Heihachi forcibly takes control of the Mishima Zaibatsu. Knowing this was against Jinpachiâs wishes and having been close to his grandfather, this only widens the rift between Kazuya and Heihachi. [Heihachi swiftly begins to use the zaibatsu to investigate a god of fighting rumored to be lying dormant somewhere in the world. This sends Mr. Chang to America where he falls in love with Mrs. Chang and Michelle is born.] Heihachi still intends to raise Kazuya to be a formidable fighter, and adopts Lee into the family specifically for the purpose of giving Kazuya a rival. Thinking it over, Heihachi decides that even if Lee isnât a fitting rival, heâd raise him to stand against Kazuya alongside him should things go that way. Lee is more receptive to the ins and outs of business, to manipulation for the sake of his own gain, and Heihachi uses that to give him an edge against Kazuya. Understanding Lee and Kazuyaâs seperate skill sets, Heihachi sends Lee to America on business while he sends Kazuya out to participate in  tournaments across the world. Lee meets Paul and Law while in America and trains alongside them. After Lee has returned to Japan, Kazuya meets with and fights to a draw against Paul in America. [Mr. Chang dies when, under threat of death, he begins to unearth Ancient Ogre. His death is covered up by the zaibatsu and when Michelle, 18, learns of this she joins the tournament to exact revenge against Heihachi.] In their 20s, Lee and Kazuya begin to conspire against Heihachi to wrest control of the Mishima Zaibatsu. Their union is shaky at best as both plan to head the zaibatsu in spite of the other, but they unify long enough to participate in the Tekken tournament Heihachi organizes with the intention of defeating him. (The tradition of fighting tournaments initially began as a smaller ordeal under Jinpachi, and Heihachi is only currently organizing a fighting tournament to keep the Mishima name in the spotlight). Lee, Paul, and Law meet again (outside of matches) and Lee learns that Paul has faced Kazuya before. Kazuya eliminates Paul from the tournament but in a show of good naturedness the two stay on good terms as rivals as Kazuya appreciates Paulâs strength. Eventually, Lee and Kazuya are pitted against one another. Kazuya emerges victorious and reveals to no oneâs surprise that he never intended to share control of the zaibatsu with Lee. He does, however, offer Lee a lesser position. Lee finds that his pride is more damaged from losing to his brother than heâd expected, and he declines Kazuyaâs offer. [Nina joins the tournament under orders to assassinate Heihachi but is defeated by Anna, who is then defeated by Paul.] Kazuya continues to the final stage against Heihachi, who is equal parts pleased with his sonâs strength and cautious of it. Kazuya is nearly overwhelmed by Heihachi, who is fighting with his all, until the devil gene within him is activated and grants him immense power. Heihachi is overwhelmed both by Kazuyaâs strength and by the revelation that he has inherited his motherâs ability. Feeling truly paternal for only a moment, Heihachi attempts to console Kazuya and explain to him the origin of this new power, intending to help and protect him the way he failed to with Kazumi. Kazuya, on the other hand, quickly abates his confusion and realizes that his power means he can no longer be subjected to feeling helpless the way he had as a child and under Heihachiâs strict and oftentimes cruel âparentingâ. This power goes to Kazuyaâs head, and he quickly dispatches Heihachi, disposing of his body off of a cliff near his childhood home in a mostly symbolic gesture. [Kazuya meets Ganryu in this tournament after the sumo is defeated by Yoshimitsu. He recognizes his strength (despite not seeing him as an equal) and appoints him as his body guard after taking control of the Zaibatsu. Kazuya extends the same offer to Paul but Paul respectfully declines in favor of traveling the world in order to become stronger. Kazuya learns of Heihachiâs search for Ancient Ogre and continues where heâd left off, sending Ganryu to attain an amulet currently in possesion of Michelle Chang that has some connection to the fighting god. Ganryu fails, falls in love with Michelle, and never returns. Ganryuâs abandonment is no great loss to Kazuya.] As Kazuya gains power of the Mishima Zaibatsu, Lee isolates himself in the wilderness to train. It is here that he meets Wang Jinrei, a skilled martial artist who knows of Leeâs connection to the Mishima family. Wang offers to train Lee in exchange for Lee bringing about the end of the Mishima clan as he, like Jinpachi and the Hachijo family, foresees the destruction they will bring to the world. When Lee tells Wang that Heihachi is already dead by Kazuyaâs hands, Wang reveals that he can still feel Heihachiâs energy and that he has not yet been killed. Lee agrees to do what he must so long as it means becoming stronger than Kazuya, unaware of how Heihachiâs intentions of creating a division between the two had deeply affected his psyche. As leader of the zaibatsu, Kazuya organizes another tournament two years later to test his ability in battle. His power has gone to his head and he has become even more millitaristic than Heihachi, planning to seize control over all of Japan after he has ascertained the limits of his strength. He has also ordered genetic experiments on living creatures to understand the effects of the Devil Gene. His collective actions draw the ire of wildlife conservationalist Jun Kazama, and she joins the tournament in order to stop Kazuya. Jun is also able to sense the evil habituated within Kazuya, and intends to dispell it from his body to keep he and the world around him safe. Meanwhile, Heihachi has recovered and healed, sharpening his skills before the tournament in order to stop Kazuya, whom he no longer sees as his son but as a demon. Lee joins the tournament only to be defeated by Heihachi, whom he is still surprised to find alive despite Wang Jinreiâs words. Lee is then officially expelled from the Mishima clan. Jun meets with Kazuya outside of matches to arrest him, but instead convinces him to end his experiments on animals. While Kazuya initially intends to cast her aside he is drawn in by her strength and bravery, as well as the strange calm that overcomes him whenever sheâs near him. Jun is then able to see that there is some good in Kazuya still, and takes an interest in him as well. Kazuya becomes compelled to act on her wishes and ends the animal experimentation. He never vocalizes it but Jun knows that Kazuya has the intention of changing his ways and as such Jun forfeits the tournament, seeing no need to proceed. [Nina is again sent to assassinate Kazuya and fails due to Annaâs intervention after she became his body guard (alongside Bruce*) for the sole purpose of stopping her sister. Nina is captured and used in Dr. Bosconovitchâs* experiments which would put her into a deep cryosleep. Seeing no fun in living without her rival around for years, Anna volunteers to also take part in the experiments.] Any intention Kazuya had of changing is swiftly brought to an end once Heihachi reveals himself to still be alive. Kazuya is defeated and Heihachi regains control over the Zaibatsu. In an attempt to assure Kazuyaâs demise, Heihachi throws his body into an active volcano. Lee distances himself from Mishima matters. Jin is born months later after a tumultuous pregnancy wherin Jun had to ward off the influence of the devil gene. Jun recieves word of Kazuyaâs demise but senses that he may still be alive. She believes that Heihachi was only acting for what he believed to be the greater good and harbors no ill will towards him. To protect Jin and reconnect with her spiritual energy she raises him in semi-seclusion, teaching him Kazama-style fighting arts in an attempt to continue protecting his soul from the devil presence. When Jin turns 15 Jun has a premonition of her own demise and as such instructs Jin to seek out Heihachi should anything happen to her, being estranged from her own family after her fatherâs death and unable to reach out to them. Her premonition comes true as a newly-awakened Ancient Ogre attacks them and presumably kills her. Jin assumes as much when he awakens after the attack, their home burned to the ground and neither Jun nor Ogre anywhere in sight. [Ogreâs appearance awakens Anna and Nina, Nina having lost all her memories of Anna and their rivalry. Anna, as such, attempts to remake their relationship to avoid becoming rivals with her again, realizing that they only really have each other. Nina is unfortunately possesed and controlled by Ogre, making that impossible.] With some difficulty, Jin does find Heihachi who takes him in with minimal questions. Having been mostly isolated Jin is ill prepared for city life and instead spends most of his time training, which Heihachi is unopposed to. Jin knows nothing about Kazuya and Heihachiâs falling out and is subsequently unsuspicious of Heihachiâs possible response to the devil gene dormant within him. Heihachi does consider raising Jin properly, but remembers how Kazuya had easily turned on him once his devil gene was activated. Heihachi properly enrolls Jin into Mishima Polytechnic and Jin is very receptive to his lessons. Heihachi sends Jin on small business trips once Jin is old enough in order to test his business savvy, and on one of these trips Jin meets and fights to a draw against Hwoarang. In the years after the second tournament, Heihachi had been using the zaibatsu to regain the support of the public by way of creating the Tekken Force which was sent worldwide on good will missions to provide aid to impoverished nations. This force was, at the same time, searching for any evidence of Ancient Ogre. It isnât until 15 years later that one of their expeditions properly unearths Ogre, who wipes out the team. Word reaches Heihachi of Ogreâs appearance just before Jin is sent to him. For the next four years Heihachi trains Jin as a possible weapon to use against Ogre while trying to again ascertain the monsterâs whereabouts. He sees the pattern of Ogreâs appearances; only appearing to face strong fighters, and organizes the third Tekken tournament in order to draw Ogre out and obtain his power. [Baek was one of the fighters to have been unfortunately confronted by Ogre, and this pushes Hwoarang to join the third tournament to obtain his revenge and settle the score against Jin.] [Paul receives an invitation to the third tournament and joins to test his mettle against his rivalâs son and father. While he never meets with Jin or Heihachi, he does defeat Kuma and Ancient Ogre. He leaves the tournament prematurely to find more challenges, not realizing Ancient Ogre had been revitalized as True Ogre.] Jin and Hwoarang meet at the third tournament and once again fight to a draw. Jin is allowed to continue on through the next stages and Hwoarang is forced to return to Korea for his mandatory military service. Jin meets with Heihachi next, who claims to want to test his strength before Jin continues. In reality, he wishes to fight in order to draw out Ogre. This plan works, as a weakened Ogre appears and is swiftly defeated by an enraged Jin. At his second defeat, Ogre takes Heihachiâs power and becomes True Ogre, whom Jin also defeats with terrifying power. Regaining consciousness just long enough to see this, Heihachi then knows that Jin has inherited the same devil power as Kazuya. As heâs calming himself from the fight, Heihachi takes the chance to shoot Jin, then calls in the Tekken Force soldiers to retrieve his body. However, Jin reawakens as Devil Jin and
#Tekken#If I mention Paul a lot it's because I've newly become sore about how his character amounted to nothing#once the mishima rondo became too important they threw him off a cliff figuratively#*ties with/beats Kazuya in a fight*#*beats [Ancient] Ogre*#namco: ''lmao Paul who?''
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Francis Forever I don't if this makes sense but it's more of a Jaehyun missing yuno somewhere deep inside his heart and craving healing and patching up the whole he made himself because he is sometimes stupid without realising it argh... I have so much to say but my phone keeps on crashing...Â
Anyways god bless taeyong sweet sweet angel he will have to be his best man on yn and him yuno wedding day and free wine for life...Â
Jae is this actually really you uploading your life on tumblr đ€š /jk.
But I love how realistic this is. You also pointed the individual love of a specific idol fan relationship, like there is always a member that who's able to control and ease their fans and some who are driven by the fans. There is also the pointing out of jaehyun's visual is his strength and his absolute weakness. Taeyong apologizing topic I remember watching that vid and wanting to claw the people who said that him for not meeting that fucking expectations and to be perfect not because he is taeyong NO I don't know him in real life, but he is a damn person who has a shallow pinky size flaw... How the bigger the spotlight the bigger their shadow grows.I'm happy I refused my audition acceptance from yg lol. I feel like I would drown if I were in their place.
Eunwoo and jaehyun not being their real names..
And YN stopped using yuno during the fight scene. Yes we all needed that goddamn therapy. This is wonderfully written I need this injected to my fucking bones and back goddamn. I cried so much lol its 2 in the morning here BWAUHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAÂ
All the Pretty and Ugly Things

Pairing: NCT's Jaehyun x You
Genre: idol!Jaehyun, heavy angst, drama, romance, smut
TWs: several smut scenes; ml has phases with a bad personality; story begins upbeat and spirals to a darker tone in the second half; depiction of past scandals (e.g. Itaewon); mentions and descriptions of panic attacks and (spells of) depression/depressive episodes
Word Count: 27,5k
Summary: He stands in the spotlight, but the only one he's looking at is you. Until one day, the sparks in his eyes are gone and the Jaehyun you know privately is only a lifeless shell of the Jaehyun he pretends to be on stage. Crumbling under the pressure of being an idol, you try to share his baggage, but there is only so much a human can take.
A/N: This is the requested full length story to "I Still Search for You". The story spans from early 2018 'till the beginning of 2023, including real life events, and is heavily Jaehyun centered. The events are facts, everything else is made up - this is fiction after all. Now, enjoy :)
THEN
Hey, Jaehyun.
Why is it that making our dreams come true and being truly happy are often two different things? I still canât figure it out.
Once, you told me that if you hadnât become an idol, you would have wanted to be a young father instead, probably having two children by now. I can imagine that very well. You are so good with children, and they love you as well.Â
But dreams change. Just like people.
You cannot be a father at the peak of your career, and it pains me to see you giving up on this genuine dream of yours to chase after another that drains you off the light that had once been so vivid in your eyes.
You never wanted to be an idol.Â
The possibility had not crossed your mind even once despite listening to that music daily - until that fateful day when you were only fifteen and got street-casted by an agent for your overly good looks.
Oftentimes, I wonder if you hadnât stayed in school for so long that day, your path might have taken a different turn. Whether, if you had only finished classes a bit earlier or a bit later that day, you would have still run into this agent.Â
These good looks of yours was what drove you to your downfall eventually, this exceptionally handsome face that had once smitten me as well and overshadows everything thatâs lying underneath it. And there is so much you keep hidden, because to the outside world, youâre supposed to be perfect.Â
But they canât see the broken young man that has succumbed to the spotlight.
All they see is their perfect idol, smiling in interviews, beaming on stage, flawlessly following whatever the company demands from him. They call you attractive, talented, write you letters, give you presents, put projects together and do everything in their power to support you from all across the world.
I really appreciate them for all their efforts, and I know you do too. They keep you going, alive, push you to greater heights when youâre feeling like giving up. Everything you do, you do for them. You donât want to disappoint them, you want to make them happy with your presence alone.
So they are not responsible for what has happened to you, for how you feel. They had only done their best from what they got to see of you. We all did.
But it wasnât not enough. Nothing and no one was enough.
Jaehyun, you really wanted to love this world.
And in the end, it broke you.
____
2018
âStop sulking, put your big girl pants on and come with me!â
You groaned as Seulgi grabbed you by your hand and pulled you off the couch on which you had just settled so comfortably.
âPlease⊠I donât feel like going out today,â you complained.
âYou havenât gone out in 68 years. Or how long has it been since your breakup?â
â124 days.â
âThatâs enough. The fact that you could even come up with the exact number? Chills.â She grabbed a pair of jeans from âthe chairâ and threw it into your arms. âCome on. Change into it, I want to see whether you look cute in them when we make you presentable for the outside world again.â
âWhere are you even dragging me to?â you asked, reluctantly disposing of your joggers and slipping into the jeans. âWill there be many people? I hate big social gatherings, youâre aware of that as weâve known each other for years.â
âBack then in school, you also hated people, so we wonât be many. Only Jisoo, my friend Taeyong, one of his band members and a producer friend. A small gathering only.â
âFour other people? I donât consider this a small gathering.â You paused. âJust⊠why?â
She glared at you. You had never gone out with Seulgiâs company squad before except for her band members and Jisoo, and the latter belonged to a different group. If it had happened that you went out together with her idol friends - the very rare times - you ended up being the one taking photos of them. And you wanted to remain this person in the background.Â
Taeyong? You knew him of course. Seulgi talked about him a lot, mainly when it was about dancing and songs, but he was the leader of one of the most popular boy groups in the country as well, so it was a given that you turned keen-eared upon hearing his name. Perhaps, you were a bit excited to go to the gathering.
âOkay, beat me.â
A little while later, you were sitting in the restaurant, and once again, you felt very out of place. Having known Seulgi since middle school, you really appreciated her efforts in supporting you after a heartbreak, but you were asking yourself whether this gathering was truly necessary if you could just sit at home and watch Netflix.
âWeâre here!â
You looked up and reconsidered. Perhaps⊠Yes, it was necessary.
You almost choked on your coke when you spotted Taeyong standing right in front of you. You had seen him in music videos, in whatever threads and pictures people shared of him online or in whatever articles he got featured, but never in real life. And in real life, it was a whole other experience.
Yes, he was just as handsome, just as beaming, and radiated so much âidol auraâ, you feared you would swoon. But he actually appeared less intimidating than on stage, much slimmer, a bit smaller and very, very kind. Yet, he still acted like a normal young man when he introduced himself a bit shyly to you along with his producer friend.
You were fawning so hard over Taeyong, having engaged him in a conversation right away, that you nearly overlooked the other young, taller man entering the restaurant fifteen minutes later. You hadnât even noticed someone was still missing until now.
âIâm sorry Iâm late.â
âWeâve just arrived from the production studio, whatâs your excuse, Jaehyun?â Taeyong teased him. âCanât you tell the time?â
âI can.â Jaehyun lifted his arm, looked at his watch and directed the following words at the object, âThe manager who was supposed to drive me was late, Iâm sorry I didnât make it fifteen minutes earlier.â
His humor was spontaneous, random and deadpan, rendering everyone silent so that birds chirping in the background would possibly be audible right now. A real dad joke nobody seemed to get or find funny. Except for you. He was literally telling the time what his excuse was.
You bursted out in laughter, catching his attention with your lighthearted tone that came from the very bottom of your heart and that no one had heard for three whole months.
âOh look. Finally someone who finds your dad jokes funny,â someone commented.
Jaehyun joined your laughter, and shortly later, you found yourself sitting next to him, engaged in a conversation about why records were so much better than anything digitized nowadays and why no one could top Bruno Mars, having totally forgotten who was actually sitting next to you,
Jeong Jaehyun.
Everyone knew NCT, and despite you not being a regular listener, you still had one person you ogled every now and then. But Jaehyun had never been that person.Â
Of course you had noticed his handsome looks, his prince-like aura and his great voice. To you though, he had always seemed too perfect which was why he never quite peaked your interest. You just didnât do perfect.
But he proved to you, later that evening when all your friends were already gone and you were hiding in the women's restroom, making out wildly to cure your heartbreak, that âthe idolâ Jaehyun himself was far from perfect.
If he was perfect, he wouldnât kiss someone he had just met in a restaurantâs restroom so passionately, having them sit on top of the sink with their arms wrapped around his neck. A perfect idol wouldnât have his fingers entangled in your hair, his hands rubbing between your clothed thighs and his tongue slowly pushing into your mouth.
It was a good thing that you didnât expect him to be perfect as you were anything but as well.
You moaned quietly when he put pressure on the spot where his fingers were placed, softly biting into his lower lip to which he responded with a groan and grabbed you by both of your legs, wrapping them around his hips. Arching your spine, you rubbed yourself against him while his hand slowly found its way under your blouse.
Your back reacted with pleasant goose bumps as Jaehyun traced his fingers along your skin, and since it had been so long that you were last touched like this, hell broke loose inside of you, relishing all the pent-up desire of which you hadnât even been aware of as you thought you were still mourning after your ex boyfriend.
But no, you were apparently already really attracted to this stranger who wasnât really a stranger at all since you passed by his cardboard standee at least once a day when you were on your way to work and walked by the cosmetic store close to the subway. This entire situation seemed so surreal to you, even though you were living in it right now.
When you finally parted, a bit breathless and lightheaded after this long make out session, you wondered whether Jaehyun did that more often than he would openly admit. You understood though. He could have anyone he wanted, and he probably did.
âIf you expect now to be invited to my place, forget it,â you told him, shuffling out of his grip and jumping from the sink. âIâm kind of a traditional girl.â
You were still heartbroken and didnât do rebounds. Partially, you also didnât want to invite him home because he was an idol, and you could imagine quite well what getting involved with them meant.
âA traditional girl who makes out with a guy she has just met?â Jaehyun cocked a brow and spun around to you, not letting you miss the joking tone in his voice though. âThatâs quite a paradox.â
You sleekened your blouse and reached for your purse, just now realizing how late it had already gotten. âAdmittedly, it doesnât happen quite often that I immediately feel so attracted to a guy I barely know.â
The corners of Jaehyunâs lips tilted up to a wide grind that revealed his pearl white teeth. âThatâs how attracted you are to me?â
âDonât raise your hopes up.â
âItâs probably better this way, because Iâm afraid you might tear my shirt apart right here and now, if thatâs how attracted you are to me.â
You rolled your eyes, but smiled. âGoodnight, Jaehyun.â
He chuckled. âGoodnight.â
On your way home, you were still thinking about him and how damn good of a kisser he was. You knew from Seulgi that idols also dated, slept around or had flings here and there. You had never expected yourself to be one of them though, and certainly not with Jeong Jaehyun.
To you, it was an experience you surely hadnât expected to get, but wouldnât like to miss out on now in the aftermath. It also was something you hoped to not experience again, because you just didnât want to get involved with someone who had kissing different girls on his every day agenda, because he was just capable of doing it.
Someone like Jeong Jaehyun.
____
âCome on, itâs gonna be fun!â
You sighed. âFine.â
âHooray!â
Seulgi took you by her hand and dragged you to the backstage area. She had invited you to join the afterparty of Red Velvetâs second concert in Seoul, and even though you werenât really keen on partying tonight, you wanted to celebrate this special day with your friend.
While Seulgi and the other members drove with their manager back to the companyâs building, you took an Uber on your own. During the entire ride, you were asking yourself whether Jaehyun would be there as well, but dismissed the thought almost instantly. On the off chance that he was there too, you would just behave normally.
You hadnât told anyone about your physical encounter with Jaehyun. To you, now, a few weeks later, it only seemed like a vivid fever dream, not worth mentioning. The only person who knew about it was Seulgi, but only because she was friends with Taeyong and had squeezed it out of you.
She hadnât been very happy about it though. If it would have been Taeyong, she would have supported it, but not Jaehyun. Apparently, you had been right about your initial gut feeling. Jaehyun just wasnât someone you would want to fall in love with as you would most likely get your heart broken.
âThere are idols who are here for the sole reason of making music,â she had said. âAnd then there are idols who find women also important, like Jaehyun. I can count on one hand how many girls in the company he hasnât screwed yet.âÂ
âI figured,â you had brushed it off. The heartbreak you had experienced in the past was enough for a lifetime. One more reason to never see him again.
The moment you entered the afterpartyâs location though, you knew that this was going to be big as not only the Red Velvet girls and their acquaintances were there, but also trainees, other groups, the companyâs entire staff and friends.
âWhatâs going on here?â you asked yourself in silence as Seulgi dragged you into the hall.
âStay here, I want to introduce you to some people! Grab a drink, Iâll be back.â
âOkay.â
You looked around and people passed by you without even noticing your presence. That was probably the commoner effect. You werenât an idol, neither a trainee nor a staff. Of course nobody would even pay the slightest attention to you.
âYouâre so attracted to me that you even joined the afterparty just to see me again?â Well damn, you knew that voice.Â
Jaehyun stood in front of you the next moment, having circled you from behind. âOr am I wrong?â
âYouâre wrong,â you defended yourself. âIâm just here, because I want to support Seulgi and her group. Iâll go look for herâŠâ
âOne drink!â Jaehyun blocked your way. âHave one drink with me?â
âAnd then?â You crossed your arms.
âWe can continue talking about our interests. It was fun and insightful to do so with someone who genuinely cares.â You didnât miss the earnesty in his voice, and you were almost sorry for what you were about to say next,
âProbably because youâre only fixated on people in the entertainment industry. Your selection is limited.â
He tilted his head. âWhat do you mean?â
âI've been friends with Seulgi since middle school, Jaehyun. I know about idol life, and also about their dating life. It doesnât bother me, at all. About you thoughâŠâ You eyed him suspiciously. âSeulgi warned me, because you have quite a reputation among these people.â
âBefore you knew, that hadnât stopped you from kissing me.â He wasnât haughty about that fact, but merely stated an observation. âIf you had known back then, would you still have dragged me to the womenâs restrooms?â
You bit into your bottom lip, unsure what to say. âAttraction and morals are two different things. I want to do whatâs morally right, and that would be to not get involved with you. Iâm being honest⊠Iâm still suffering from a heartbreak. I donât want a rebound,â
âMorals,â he scoffed. âSometimes in life, morals have to be put down as they only restrict you from living your best life and donât bring you forward to cherish what makes you happy at this very moment. Iâm saying that there are more important things than morals.â
âWhat else?â You were genuinely curious.Â
He stepped closer to you. âSometimes, the attraction between two people is all that matters at a certain moment. And trust me, Iâm feeling very much attracted to you right now.â
Heat shot into your cheeks and your body became hot all over too. If you were honest, you wanted this too. So badly even. But you were afraid your needs would take over your senses and that the happiness would only last for so long, until you were alone again.
âAnd something tells me you feel it too.â Jaehyun grinned mischievously, and it suddenly dawned on you why getting involved with him felt so off-putting.
Because the Jaehyun he showed you now and the Jaehyun he presented to the world through his group were the same person - they knew they owned the charms and the looks, and that girls couldnât resist them.Â
He wasnât perfect, but pretended to be. He might have even convinced himself he was. But you didnât want to be another naive girl falling for this type of guy like your ex was.
âGoodnight, Jaehyun,â you told him and turned away from him to look for Seulgi and tell her that you would head home first.
Jaehyun didnât follow you.
âŠ.
Jaehyun wasnât the type of idol to sleep with fans. This had always been a no go for him.Â
Despite the possibility of signing an NDA, fans would gossip, brag and tell their friends, eventually risking the idolâs reputation if their identity ever got revealed and their past relationship proven to be true. No, fans were out of the picture for him.
Jaehyun couldnât take such a risk as he had the image of perfection to keep up. Being nearly scandal-free until now, he had publicly adapted to this role the company had applied to him. He didnât allow a woman to tarnish his reputation that he had worked so hard for.
Idols and trainees on the other hand had the same things to lose as him, so they usually kept their mouths closed. They were the safer option if one wanted to explore romance or physical attraction.
If it stayed within the company, no one actually minded dating or whatever was going on between the employees as they trained in the same building and interacted on a regular basis. Even dating outside of this tight knitted industry was allowed as long as they wouldnât get caught. But Jaehyun weighed himself safer within the company and made the most out of it.Â
He had always been told to be handsome and attractive, otherwise he wouldnât have gotten casted, so getting the girls wasnât a problem in the first place. What was a problem was actually keeping them.Â
Jaehyun just didnât want to keep anyone around.
âŠ.
âYouâre going already?â Jaehyun heard the female trainee whisper from the couch as he was dressing himself up again. âNo one will come here, so-â
âSee you.â The next moment, he was out of the door.Â
After you were gone, he had directly gone to the girl he had been with last time already, but admittedly only for distraction. There hadnât been a woman who had ever dumped him. Until now. He just didnât know whether he found it frustrating or rather⊠interesting.
â... You?â
You stood in the lobby, shuffling around awkwardly. âWhatever this is between is⊠it made me run the entire way back here. Someone said you have been gone for a while already, but I decided to stick around though and wait.â Your gaze then fell upon his shirt that was buttoned wrong and his hair that stuck out to all sides. âBut I see, you already found what you were looking for in the end.â You spun around on your heels and started walking away.
âNo!â Jaehyun ran down the stairs faster than your steps could carry you back to the exit. âPlease wait!â
âWhat do you want from me, Jaehyun?â you then asked him seriously, shaking off his hand that he had placed on your shoulder. âI was about to give us a chance to explore this mutual attraction, but you just blew it up. So what makes you go after me now?â
âOkay⊠but weâre not committed to each other, so you shouldnât even bother who I get involved with in the first place.â
He was right, but you just didnât want to admit to that. You were only hurt that he had sworn to be so attracted to you and then let it all out with another woman. âIs it your common strategy? Hitting on a girl and then just moving on when you get rejected?â
âPerhaps?â he asked, partially stating. âPerhaps, it was also because your rejection threw me out of the loop, and I needed to prove to myself that itâs not me, but you.â
âWhat? Never gotten rejected by someone before?â
Rejections didnât fit into Jaehyunâs perfect life. A perfect person didnât get rejected by someone they desired, because what was there to even turn down?
âI- I mean you like Bruno Mars and records,â he stumbled over his words. âAnd we even kissed. And then you turned me down not even once, but twice. What should I think about it?â
âMaybe start off with the fact that not everything is about sex?â
He shrugged. âI wouldnât know. And I care too little to get familiar with this topic, to be honest.â
You shrugged too. âI see. But as I implied, sometimes my morals are stronger than my desires. And such a moment is now.â
âThreeâs a charm hm, dumping me?â Jaehyun was flabbergasted. âCome on, you just got here!â
âBecause I thought you cared enough to stay focused on me at least! For one night!â you called him out, upset. â... But I was wrong.â
âYou canât expect someone like me to focus only on you.â He scratched his head. âThatâs just⊠not possible.â
âBecause temptation lures in every corner, am I right?â
He didnât respond, but that was enough of an answer to you. âGood night, Jaehyun.â
âThatâs not it.â
You stopped in your tracks again. âInsteadâŠ?â
âInstead, itâs rather the fact that I canât get involved with fans. Iâm pretty much scandal free, so I canât risk getting the word out that Iâm sleeping around. Itâs staying within the company, so I tried to get you out of my head, because I donât know which category you belong to, and itâs messing with my head.â
âNobody asks you to get involved with fans.â You shook your head. âThere is not only black and white, not only idol and fan. And Iâm neither an idol nor your fan.â
âWhich category do you belong to then?â
âIâm just an ordinary girl.â
Jaehyun clenched his fists, knowing the moment you walked out of the entrance door that he had screwed up big time. Again.
On the other hand, he didnât really bother as well at that moment. There were many girls awaiting him here, so why would he be chasing after someone he couldnât have?
____
2019
ââŠand then Miyeon said-â Soyeon stopped mid-sentence, realizing that Jaehyun wasnât even listening. âHello? Whatâs up?â
Jaehyun didnât quite care about what Miyeon had said. He also didnât quite care about Soyeon if he had to be honest, even though she was great. He had tried jumping into the dating pool after being urged by Taeyong, but he just wasnât feeling it.Â
Jaehyun yawned. âNo, continue. Iâm listening.â
âOkay, so Miyeon said-â
Jaehyun propped his elbow against the desk, placed his chin on his hand and averted his eyes back in the direction of the window, his thoughts drifting off once more. Since NCT 127 had come back from America, something inside of him had changed. He couldnât quite put a finger on it though.
They had had a lot of fun in the States, so that wasnât the problem here. The fun had included wild party nights and sneaking foreign girls into their rooms who didnât know who they truly were, visiting different cities and doing something that felt close to vacation every now and then.
They also had had a lot of success. The group had stood on big stages, had been guests in popular shows, and had even walked along the red carpet at award shows. Their popularity was skyrocketing, getting more recognition in the west, and they had achieved everything they had only fantasized of back in trainee days.
Whenever Jaehyun stood on the stage, he felt like a king, and the crowd was his nation. At moments like that, when the spotlight was on him, he felt like all those years of hard training, suffering mentally and physically, and pulling himself together again and again, finally paid off. All his hardships were forgotten and there was only him, living his dream. His life was perfect.
So why was it that Jaehyun was still not content after realizing he had everything a young man his age with the same ambitions could ask for?
Perhaps, it was because after the lights went off and the members separated, he returned to a dark hotel or dorm room, feeling entirely alone with a gap in his heart that was so deep, not even the cheerful laughters of friends or one night stands were able to fill it.Â
âWe should end this,â Jaehyun then blurted out.
âWhat?â
âYou and me, here,â he explained monotonously. âLetâs end this.â
Soyeon blinked in confusion. âWeâve only been dating for two months. Why would we end this already?â
Because he didnât see this going anywhere. Because, in the months they had been dating, he could count on one hand how often they had seen each other. Because, when he had been overseas, he had never thought about her.Â
Jaehyun wasnât an expert with relationships, but he assumed this was not how they should work. Instead, he said, âIâm just not interested in dating anyone at the moment. I donât have the time to spare. Iâm sorry.â
Soyeon arose from the bed, and Jaehyun moved his head to make eye contact with her.
âItâs okay, Iâm not mad though.â She shrugged. âIt would have been nice if this would have worked out. Because you know, Jaehyun⊠we idols can never be with people who idolize us. I hope you think about this thoroughly.â
âThere are not only idols and fans,â he stated, summoning words he had been told earlier this year. âThere are ordinary people as well.â
âI didnât count them in, because they rarely withstand the pressure we idols bring along.â Soyeon grabbed her bag and walked to the door. âSeriously⊠donât drag a poor girl into our world. Youâll only ruin her.â
âWhat would you know?â he unwillingly snapped.
But Soyeon wasnât bothered. âWe all try at some point.â
Jaehyun didnât put further thoughts into her words and brushed them off as futile when a face popped into his mind of which he hadnât thought in a long time.
The girl he had once felt so attracted to but missed his chance not only twice, but on three occasions. He suddenly wondered where you were, what you were doing and whether the attraction would still be there if you two would run into each other again.
Jaehyun then pulled out his phone and opened his private chat with Seulgi. It consisted of zero messages between the two of them, that was how distanced they actually were. Yet, he still decided to text her.
____
âYou know I only agreed to meet you, because Seulgi asked me to.â You sipped on your coke, watching Jaehyun with wary eyes.
âYes, and I want to thank you for that.â
âYou have to thank Seulgi.â
âI already did.â
He hadnât touched his Americano, but just proceeded to stare at it, avoiding eye contact with you at all cost. You hadnât missed the skepticism in the waitressâ eyes when she had brought you the beverages as she had to look at Jaehyun twice and even turned around on her way back once again to make sure that her mind had not fooled her. Jaehyun had ignored it.
âSo, whatâs the matter?â He was sitting opposite of you as you asked. âItâs been more than half a year since weâve last seen each other.â
Jaehyun fiddled with his fingers that he had rested on his lap. âDid you see anyone during this time?â
âWhy would that be any of your business?â
He cleared his throat. âI toured through Japan, America, Thailand and parts of Europe this year, as you might know. I had everything in front of me that I worked so hard for. The fame, the success. In America, I went to red carpets, award shows, TV shows⊠It has always been my dream to do all that. When I first came back in May, I even started dating someone I thought was perfect for me as she is an idol as well. I had all that. My life was perfect. And it still wasnât enough for me.â
Even though he was speaking seemingly nonchalantly, there was a sad undertone in his voice. Jaehyun certainly knew how to conceal his true feelings, and it made you feel that he considered it to be necessary to do this in front of you as well.
âWhat went wrong?â you wanted to know.
âI realized how fading it all was. The spotlight doesnât last for long. When youâre a trainee, nobody tells you what will happen when the lights go off. Nobody prepares you for what will happen once the darkness comes. And damn, is that darkness deep. And so endless. A few hours of spotlight just donât make up for hours, days and months of darkness.â
You werenât a celeb, but you could understand what he was feeling. Many people looked down on idols, laughing off their career and deeming it not even being a true job. But the idol life was a hard one with hours and hours of training of which one couldnât even be sure whether all the blood, sweat and tears would pay off eventually. You had seen Seulgi going through all of this.
âWhat about the other guys?â you questioned. âIâm pretty sure youâre all there to support each other as well.â
Jaehyun chuckled bitterly. âWeâre 23 people in the whole group. Thatâs like an entire classroom. How many people did you naturally get along with in your class back then in high school?â
âPerhaps, only a handful. My friends.â
âExactly. Some, you can turn to when you feel down, but they are not there all the time and they have their own problems too that you cannot make your own, because the burden will be too much. The majority, you just want to punch in the face because they get on your nerves. Others, you simply avoid altogether.â
Seulgi was very lucky to be in a group with only a couple of girls who got along all the time, more or less. You couldnât imagine how it was for Jaehyun with more than twenty other guys.Â
âAnd the girl you dated?â
He smiled, and it somehow stung. âSheâs pretty, talented and a very good person. Characteristics you rarely find in idols all combined. But she travels around very often as well and has so many projects going on. She was there when I wasnât, and I was there when she wasnât. Thatâs why so many relationships between idols fail. We barely have time. We canât make each otherâs darkness go away.â
You nipped on your coke again. Jaehyunâs glass now consisted of more water than coffee. âWhat did you call me here for exactly, Jaehyun?â
He sucked in a rush of air. âYou havenât answered my question.â
âWhich question?â
He locked your gazes, finally. âDid you see someone in the past months?â
âYes.â
âOh.â Finally, he led the straw to his mouth, taking a sip, but not pushing the topic further. Nevertheless, the air was still heavy, and you decided to clear it.
âBut Iâm not anymore.â
Jaehyun looked up, his eyes sparkling.Â
âTwo rules,â you made clear.
âIâm listening.â
âYou text me at least once a day. Not because I want to surveille you, but because I just want to know youâre alive and well, and thinking of me despite your busy schedule.â
He chuckled shyly. âLately, Iâve been thinking of you all the time, so thatâs a given.â
You flushed a bit and lowered your voice to shield your conversation from the other customers. âSecond rule⊠And I know youâre not going to like this, but the second rule is no sex.â
âWhat?â he whispered in disbelief, eyes widening and leaning over the table closer to you as though he was sure he had misheard. âAre you being serious?â
âI want you to prove to me that youâre serious about me,â you whispered back. âThat you donât only want me for sex, and if we have sex, that you donât end things right after you got what wanted. Iâm not such a girl, Jaehyun. And I donât want such a man. If youâre not okay with this, we donât have to do this.â
âNo, no, no!â he directly dismissed. âItâs okay. Iâm okay with this.âÂ
He nodded with much determination, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. He was in for all of it, and you would lie if you acted like you werenât surprised by his reaction. Jaehyun truly meant it.
âLet me add somethingâŠâ you backpedaled for clarification. âNo sex until Iâm ready for it. Better?â
But he didnât object. âWhatever rules you set.â
âCan I add another one?â
âYouâre on a roll now?â he asked skeptically.
âI want you to take me out on a date. A real date.â
The corners of his lips tilted up. âThis, I can do too. Can I add a rule as well?â
âGo ahead.â
âIn private, call me Yuno, like my real name. When Iâm with you, I donât want to be Jaehyun.â
What he implied was that in private, he wanted to be vulnerable, who he truly was, not an idol. You gladly accepted that.
âOkay, Yuno.â
As you addressed him by his real name, smiling so sweetly and genuinely, Jaehyun thought that, for the first time, he could imagine wanting to keep someone around.
____
You werenât dense. You knew that dating an idol wouldnât be like dating any other guy.
With any other guy, you could walk around freely where crowds were, holding hands. With any other guy, you could spontaneously meet up after work, several times a week. With any other guy, you could take couple pictures and post them online, on your public account.
Dating Jaehyun wasnât any of the above.Â
But you werenât just any girl either.
You didnât complain when he had to cancel plans last minute, because he was too tired to get up again. You didnât hold it against him when you were always the one having to drive into his neighborhood. You also didnât interfere when the manager was adamant about following you everywhere.
Jaehyun made up for all of this more than anyone before him by being the sweetest boyfriend one could ask for.
Little by little, you got to know the person behind this idol mask, the person behind âJaehyunâ. The person you called âYunoâ in private. A person you could really imagine falling in love with deeply not far from now.
Because this person truly was not perfect. And that was what made him so loveable for you.
____
Today, Jaehyun was off work, so for the first time in two weeks, you actually had an entire day to yourselves, and it would be the last one before heâd take off to New York for the Global Citizen Festival.Â
Even though you had gone on short dates before, such as grabbing a coffee and sitting in the park or movie evenings at your place, Jaehyun had promised that this one would be your first real date together, just as he had promised to you when you had agreed on going out.
What you hadnât expected was for him to take you to Seoul Childrenâs Grand Park.
âIs it okay?â he asked you hesitantly as you stood in the queue at 10am in the morning. âI thoughtâŠâ
You nodded and let your fingers slip into his palm as you moved forward in the queue. âItâs totally okay. I understand.â
Any other guy wouldnât have taken you to a children's theme park, but this was where Jaehyun and you could roam around freely without hiding and him wearing more of a disguise than a cap. As mainly families visited the park with their lively kids, they wouldnât be keen on getting info on who this stranger was if they would ever grow suspicious at all. It was the perfect spot to spend an entire day away from the turmoil that usually surrounded him.
Jaehyun let out a rush of air. âThen Iâm relieved.â
âWho said we cannot have fun here as well?â You gently nudged him. âIâm sure itâll be the best day ever!â
You hadnât pegged Jaehyun as the goofy guy. During the short span of weeks that you had been dating so far, you had gotten a glimpse of the part that wasnât manipulatively charming and self-centered. This Jaehyun now was light-hearted, making jokes and laughing all the time as though he had no care in this world.Â
This Jaehyun was whole-heartedly happy.Â
âWhat is it?â he asked you, smiling against the sun, having to blink.Â
âNothing,â you said and squeezed his hand. âYouâre scrunching up your nose when you laugh. Itâs so cute.â
You had just disembarked from a ride and Jaehyun had been laughing next to you the entire time. You hadnât wanted the ride to end just to continue to listen to him laughing as you harbored the feeling that he hadnât been able to do so as much lately, so you wanted to be this person to him.
âStop,â he urged and covered the lower half of his face with the back of his hand, and you noticed how his cheeks as well as the tips of his ears turned pink.Â
You chuckled. âCome on, I want to see the animals!â
You moved through the groups of families and their children, and despite Jaehyun having been very tense in the beginning, always controlling whether someone was watching you or on the brink of recognizing him, he had slowly started to relax when he noticed that no one paid the slightest attention to you two.
âIs it hard?â you then wanted to know as you studied the elephants with kids of different ages screaming right next to you by the balustrade. But you didnât mind. âNot quite being able to go where you want as you might get recognized?â
âI can go wherever I want and whenever I want,â Jaehyun clarified. âMost of the time, people donât care, the majority of them only watch. Weâre only human with daily tasks as well. Seldomly, someone takes a secret photo and spreads it, very rarely, they ask for autographs and other things personally. Sometimes, itâs annoying, but it comes with my job, so it doesnât bother me most of the time as long as they respect our privacy. Itâs only when Iâm with a girl that things can get heated.â
âSure.â One elephant was blowing water at a smaller one. The children were rejoicing. âYour fans would probably give you hell if it ever makes headlines.â
âWhen you date someone, with the staff, sasaengs and friends around, itâs a given that there is a group of people who know and they tell the people they know and so on. Thatâs how gossip arises, but as long as it doesnât make headlines and youâre on Dispatchâs good side, youâre okay. But I donât want you to only be okay.â
You tilted your head, now turning around to face him. âWhat do you mean?â
âYouâre not an idol, neither a staff or a trainee. You donât have anything to do with this world and I want it to stay this way. I want you to be safe.â He glanced down at you, the look in his eyes imprenetable. âI donât want my girlfriend to become the target of hate, thatâs why I want to protect your identity at all costs. I want to do it right this time.â
You werenât a hillbilly. You had seen what had happened when it got revealed that Kai was dating Krystal. And when Baekyhun was dating Taeyeon. The hate that flooded through online communities and were discussed for weeks all over the internet - and they were very popular and beloved idols. It warmed your heart that Jaehyun wanted to spare you from all of this as well.Â
But wait, had he just called you�
âItâs not easy, being with me,â he continued as though he hadnât just put a label on you two. âAnd with you, itâs probably going to be extra hard. But I donât want my life to ruin yours, to ruin what weâre just trying to build. I just need to know youâre fully on it as well.â
With a smirk, you challenged him, âBuild what?â
âAâŠâ He gulped. â... a serious relationship.â
You had all along known that behind the playboy side of his that he had shown you first, there was a goofy, endearing person hidden, that was the reason why you had agreed on going out with him in the first place. This was the person you had hoped to be there all along, the person you wanted.
So right in the middle of screaming children who their parents tried to calm, you grabbed Jaehyun by his collar and lifted yourself up to your toes. This surrounding was shielding you perfectly from unwanted attention as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.
âI still wonât sleep with you,â you then announced in secrecy when you parted.
âItâs okay. Iâll wait,â he replied patiently, his hands around your waist.
Dating Jaehyun wasnât like dating any other guy. But dating Jaehyun was just as fun.Â
And Jaehyun, for the first time, wanted to keep someone around.
____
âHey, come in.â
âHi Jungwoo. Iâm not gonna stay for long. I just wanted to say goodbye.â
Your palms were sweating as Jungwoo giggled. âStay for as long as you want. Weâve only recently moved in, so enjoy the cleanliness for now, because itâs not going to stay this way for much longer.â
You werenât sure why you were so nervous, why you were even covered in a thin sheet of sweat just because you had gotten invited to Jaehyunâs groupâs dorm for the first time, but Jungwooâs shy bubbliness and kind aura quickly put you at ease.
It had been three months since you and Jaehyun started dating, and he was going to leave for Japan soon. Since he had to get up early the day after and the place where he had spent the day was closer to his dorm, it was a given that you would meet him at his own home.Â
Jaehyun was still deliberately following the texting rule, no matter how late it was, where he would travel to shortly after and wherever in the world he was currently residing. And lately, he had been in Spain and back in the US, the time difference putting a strain on your occasional facetime calls, but you had still managed to do it as often as possible.
Despite his busy life, he was always putting you first.
âFollow me, his room is over there. No worries, itâs all his.â
You found yourself anxiously looking to your right and left, afraid to encounter any of the other boys - the source of your nervousness. You werenât prepared to meet all of them and already felt a lump in your throat when you heard different voices from what seemed like the living and kitchen area. But to your reassurance, Jungwoo came to a stop right before that space.  Â
âThis one.â He opened the door for you. âMake yourself at home. You want to drink something?â
You shook your head. âThank you.â
âOkay. Call me if you need anything!â
He closed the door behind him, and, in the safety of Jaehyunâs room, you felt all the strain getting lifted off your shoulders. As you looked around, you recognized everything from the relay cam published the month prior on the groupâs youtube channel.
There, to your left, was the cabinet with all his stuff like his Marshall music box, his vinyl records and the Mickey Mouse sitting on the top shelf. In front of the big window stood his desk along with the keyboard and his computer. Next to it, another standing keyboard, followed by his bed to your right.Â
Jaehyun loved listening to vinyls, using analog cameras, drinking wine and playing the piano. It was a soft, private side he also showed his fans in his vlogs, a fragment of who he really was, deep inside. In his videos, he appeared as such a comfort person, entirely different from the young man you had encountered last year and luckily came out more and more around you.
But what differed him from the person everyone else got to see was that you also knew the Jaehyun who was off-camera. The one not so pressured to uphold a perfect facade, who broke through the stark mask every now and then.
Yuno, who called you, sobbing because he had reached a dead end with a song he was composing. Yuno, who wanted to be desperately hugged by you, because he felt so lonely. Yuno, who raised his voice because everything was going wrong with his day.
His fans didnât have to see. And you were always there to clean up the mess he had left, sweeping up the remains of his emotional outbursts, because from the outside, he had an image to keep up. Otherwise, it wouldnât be possible. Shared baggage wasnât as heavy. And always, you willingly and happily did that - for him.
As you walked across the room, you spotted a few sheets spread across his desk over the keyboard. You didnât want to peek, but got your attention drawn to them by the vivid colors, and you frowned as you read your name on two of the documents.
They were flight initiaries to Tokyo. And the third one, a bit smaller but thicker by paper, was an entry ticket to their respective concert.
âOh damn. It should have been a gift.â
You hadnât heard how he had walked into the room and shifted around to him, the ticket in your hand now, asking in near disbelief, âWhatâs this?â as though you didnât already know.
âYouâre joining me in Tokyo!â
âYouâre nuts!â you objected, still not believing it. âI have a job, I have to ask for a time off first. What if it wonât get through? Then this would go to waste!â
Jaehyun threw his head back and laughed. Then, he approached you and took the ticket out of your hand. âI know youâve always wanted to visit Japan and see me on stage. So why not combine these two, and why not in February when there is the opportunity?â
âMy boss is a witch, I told you all the stories about her, werenât you listening?â You already imagined her anguished face, horror striking your face. âOh god, I can hand in my two weeks notice tomorrow when I tell her about this.â
âDonât worry about it,â Jaehyun brushed it off confidently. âI already called your workplace. No important meetings on these dates. Your vacation days will be officially approved by tomorrow.â
âAre you being serious?â You raised your brow in suspicion, not allowing your skeptical and worrying self to feel joy yet. âOr is this a joke?â
âDo you or do you not see your name right there?â He held the flight initiatives out in front of you.Â
âHow did you get my passport number?âÂ
âI didnât send you to go grab the ordered food for nothing that day.â
âYouâre-â The words got caught in your throat, because you felt tears aching behind your eyes.
âAwesome? Unbelievable? The best boyfriend ever?â
âI wanted to say stupid.â You swallowed it all down. âStupidly awesome. But the title âbest boyfriendâ also fits.â
âWell, thatâs what I wanted to hear.â
Finally, you wrapped your arms around his neck and Jaehyun spun you around, the both of you laughing.Â
You had talked about finances after some weeks of dating already since the discrepancy between your monthly salaries was almost impossible to put into words. But despite Jaehyun always offering, you were adamant about only doing and achieving things you could afford as you never ever wanted to grow dependent on a man.
But Jaehyun didnât mind grand gestures every now and then. Just like this one.
âYou know Iâm going to reward you greatly for this, right?â you asked him quietly as he placed you back on the ground.
It took Jaehyun a few moments of obliviousness until you observed the question marks slowly vanishing from his eyes and the innocent look in them getting replaced with one that was auspicious, and a tid bit sinister. Â
Oh, he wanted that reward. So bad.
You had never talked about sex again, and he had never asked about it in return. Despite having come close to it again and again when a reunion session got too heated, Jaehyun had never pushed for more when you werenât the one making the first step.
Now, being sure that it wasnât only about this one thing for him and that he was fully ready to commit, you wanted to prove to him that you were ready for it as well by giving him the one thing he hadnât been able to get yet.
With a swift motion, Jaehyun had swooped you off the ground, and you were bouncing on the bed the next moment, him on top of you, lips close to your ear, and whispering,
âI hope you know what youâve gotten yourself into.â
You wanted to know. So bad.
____
âIâve never waited so long for a girl before,â Jaehyun whispered through gritted teeth as he hastily, with trembling fingers, fiddled with the hem of your shirt. âBut you made it all worth it.â
You bit your bottom lip. âYou donât know yet, and I donât want to disappoint you as you've waited for so long.â
He halted and locked gazes with you, putting his forehead to yours. âIâm not talking about sex only. Iâm serious. Youâre not boring. Youâre not stuck-up. You donât drool over me. You see me as who I am, and youâre still with me. You make everything worth it.â
His words turned you on so much that you slid your thigh over his lap, turned over and straddled him. âPlease sleep with me right now,â you almost begged and fisted his t-shirt. You wanted him even more if that was possible. âOr I-â
But Jaehyun didnât let you finish your sentence. His hands fell to your hips and pressed your body closer to his groin as his lips finally met yours in a passionate kiss that was long overdue. He was propped up on his hands while you were holding his neck and then bent in to deepen the kiss with the use of your tongue.
Suddenly, you pulled away in shock as you heard people passing by the door, laughing audibly as though they were standing right next to you.
âYeah, the walls here are paper thin, sorry about that. But usually, nobody barges in just like that.â
You shifted your attention back to Jaehyun, deliberately diving into his mouth again, but you were still able to clearly hear the laughter and conversations only feet away from where you were about to do the deeds - all while Jaehyun moved from your mouth to your neck, growing more greedy and impatient.
His fingers dug into your hips and he growled lowly against your skin as he kissed along your collarbone. Willingly, you lifted your arms and let him slide off your shirt, shivering lightly against the coldness that immediately hit your shoulders, but was replaced by the warmth of Jaehyunâs mouth right after.Â
He pressed you down on him, hard, and you rubbed against the thickness between your legs, barely noticing the straps of your bra slipping along your arms and exposing your bare breasts. Heat swirled in your belly, making your clit throb and your body craving him so badly, you didnât think you could wait for much longer.
âGive it back!â
âHAHAHAHAHA, NEVER!â
Your body stiffened and you caught a glimpse at the door which was still closed, luckily. It felt like the boys had run right through your room! You wanted to ask Jaehyun whether there was a key to put you at ease for a bit, but you melted into him the next moment when he grabbed your left nipple between his teeth, sending shocks right down to your nether regions.
You moaned when his palms were placed flat on your back and you arched your spine, angling into his body as he bent forward and sucked the whole peak of your breast into this mouth. Forgotten were the voices and the people running back and forth outside of the room. Your eyes fluttered closed as Jaehyunâs tongue, hot and wet, came out and swirled the pebble of your nipple.
Laugher crossed the comfortable quietness in the room again that had only consisted of the nearly audible moans and growls of you two before. You tried to shift your head, but Jaehyun now turned his attention to your other nipple, dragging it out by his teeth, and then teased you by nibbling the entire breast.
âWhat if someone comes in?â you whispered, but your interruption was pathetic in this situation, and Jaehyun knew.
He sucked hard, stretching your skin. You grinded against his groin so desperately, you felt it tickle and wet between your legs already - and you were not even entirely undressed yet! You rolled your hips, rubbing fast on him, your fingers tugging on the hem of his t-shirt, and Jaehyun stilled for a moment to let you take it off for him.
He then pulled you back against him, your faces on level. One of his hands slipped down your back to grab your ass, and you let out a squeal, hushing right after as footsteps passed by the door. You gazed into his eyes, saw the passion, the lust, and you knew that all your concerns were irrelevant.Â
You would do it right here and now, no matter how loud and heavy it would get, no matter who could hear you. You would do it right now, and no one and nothing would be able to stop you from it.Â
âPlease,â you muttered, palming his chest with your hands. âI donât want to wait anymore.â
Jaehyun expelled a short breath as he had wanted to prolong the foreplay a bit more, but he didnât need to be asked twice to hurry up. Wrapping an arm around your waist, he flipped you onto your back, and you let out a small gasp along the way, excited and nervous at the same time.Â
âYour wish is my command.â
Jaehyun got on his knees, gazing down at you. You unbuttoned your jeans, sliding them over your hips, then your legs. His eyes didnât waver from you as you revealed your black panties, and he licked his lips. Slowly, he slid his fingers up your thighs and hooked them into the waistband of your undies.
âAt any other occasion, I would take my fair time with you,â Jaehyun admitted. âBut right now, I canât wait anymore either.â
Your black panties landed on top of your other clothes at the side of the bed along with Jaehyunâs jeans and boxers. He reached into a small drawer that was hidden in the headboard and pulled out a condom that he then rolled on, the wrapper getting lost on the floor as well.Â
âBut we have to be quiet, okay?â you tried again as someone outside had seemingly randomly started to play the piano. âWeâll try.â
âSure.â Jaehyun positioned himself between your thighs, a smile curling a corner of his mouth. You hadnât been able to take a detailed look at his hard-on yet from your position, but it already felt like it was a lot to take in. âWeâll try.â Why did it seem like he wouldnât even want to try?Â
Your hair was fanned out on the pillow beneath you as he came down to you and pressed between your legs. Thrusting his hips slowly and steadily, he worked inside of you, and you groaned, stretching while he was sinking into you. Your cheeks heated up and you threw your head aside as Jaehyun was going deeper and deeper, burying himself to the hilt.
âOh,â Jaehyun sucked in a rush of air, his face twisted. âIt feels so good.â
You shared the same thought as him as he lowered his body closer to you, your nipples brushing his chest. Without thinking, you bent your knees and spread your legs wider, your heels digging into the mattress.
Jaehyun kissed you, but before you had time to savor that feeling of fleeting peace before he would rock your entire world, he had already pulled out and thrusted right back into you.
âOh, god.â
You looked up, witnessing Jaehyun enjoying the act himself as he grabbed for the headboard to give him support while his thrusts got harder and faster, moving in and out of you. The muscles in his arms were bulging and tight as they strained in the attempt to hold his position, the muffled voices of people in the background nearly entirely faded.
That was until you noticed that the bed was creaking. Very loudly. âThe bed,â you breathed in between thrusts, worried. âWe have to go slower.â
But Jaehyun just groaned, dropped his head and silenced you with his lips. Instead of going slower, he only went harder. Your breasts bounced back and forth, and whimpers fell from your lips that only transitioned to higher tones, challenging the noise the bed was currently making.Â
âGo slow,â you still tried to plead, but you werenât sure anymore whether you had even audibly uttered these words.
You totally forgot about the noise around you. At some point, when your head was so clouded, filled with passion and lust, you just didnât care anymore. Instead, you pulled Jaehyun deeper with every thrust, rolling your hips to meet his rhythm and moaning at the pleasure of him filling you.
Jaehyun slid a hand under your bum and nestled in farther, grunting as he went on even rougher, your whole body shaking and thus the entire bed with you. Loud creaks mixed with your own sounds of pleasure as you begged him to go faster, deeper, rarely having felt this good in your life.
âYes, yes! Please, donât stop!â you cried lowly as you felt an orgasm crest.
He thrusted in and out of you again and again, sweat forming on his forehead, but his rhythm was steady, the strength in his arms holding the position and not giving in. His length nudged far inside you, and you cried out, loud this time, breaking loose and coming as your walls clenched around him.
âOh, f-â, Jaehyun groaned as he pushed one more time and then stopped, his body stiffening on top of yours and his arms straining, bringing forward his veins.
You ran a hand up his back, feeling the sheen of sweat as you both came down from your highs, overly exhausted, but over the top happy. And you both beamed.
When you later left the dorm that night, hoping to not get caught by someone after what you had done merely an hour before, you still found a member, Yuta, as a matter of fact, standing in the corridor and winking at you.
WellâŠ
____
2020
After Jaehyun returned from Japan, NCT 127 was preparing for their comeback with âKick itâ along with the release of their second Korean studio album âNeo Zoneâ. You had hoped that, with their first world tour concluded, Jaehyunâs life would slow down a bit, his world spinning a bit less fast. But you were wrong.Â
NCT 127 was climbing up the ladder of success and, amidst the comeback, they were to travel back and forth between the US and South Korea. You were truly, really happy for them, they had been working so hard for all of this.Â
But you also couldnât deny that Jaehyunâs announcement of their second world tour starting in North America in June came along with a bland aftertaste for you.Â
____
âWhatâs wrong?â Jaehyun asked you.
His blue hair shimmered in the sunset getting reflected in your bedroom. Tomorrow was the comeback stage of âKick itâ, so he wasnât able to stay for long as he had to get up very early.
Throughout the past months, he hadnât neglected rule number one even for one day. Between recording, practice and other schedules, he still found time to text you or even call shortly, so you didnât know why it even bothered you that he would now start having even less than the little time he usually was able to spare.
You felt very selfish, demanding so much, even though it was probably the bare minimum for such a relationship. But this was Jeong Jaehyun, not any other guy. So you swallowed the real reason and only informed him, âFrom now on, you donât have to text me everyday, okay?â
Jaehyun pulled his brows together. âYou donât want me to text you anymore?â
You had seen him on stage. He knew what he was capable of, so did everyone else, including you. âItâs not like thatâŠâ
When the Yuno you knew turned into Jaehyun, the idol, the stage was his home. He loved the spotlight, he loved his occupation, he loved his fans. Every motion he executed, every note he hit, every gaze he shot to the crowd was well thought-out and touched perfection. Partially, this job was his passion, but much more, it was also work. Only on the stage, he could let go and ride on the wave of his fame. He was born to be in the spotlight, and there was no place for you to interfere in any means.Â
âItâs justâŠâ You shrugged. âI donât want to be a distraction to you, you know.â
âYou think youâre my distraction?â He got up from the bed and approached you to kneel in front of you on the floor. âYouâre my biggest motivation, thatâs the truth.â
Now, it was you who was frowning. âWhat do you mean by that?â
âI know my fans love me no matter what, and I appreciate their dedication and love, theyâre my motivation too. Whatever I do, they solemnly celebrate their idol, and I can count myself lucky they always have my back. Iâm talking about the good fans here, though.â He sucked in a rush of air. âBut whenever I'm on stage, Iâm afraid that I'll get lost again. Lost in this world, in this part of me that I keep caged and only let out when Iâm in the spotlight. The part of me that relishes the stage a bit too much. Because thatâs not really me anymore. I donât want to return to being this person.â
You had seen Jaehyun in Japan. And you could understand why his fans went crazy over him. On stage, he radiated so much confidence and sexual appeal that you almost felt jealous of all the girls seeing the same in him as you and fell in love with him all overagain at the same time.
But Jaehyun at home wasnât like that. He watched Money Heist in his checkered pajama bottoms, wore thick glasses as otherwise he wasnât able to see, and currently spent as much time in the fitness studio as possible as he felt insecure about his build.
âIn a crowd of ten thousands of people, itâs so easy to turn invisible,â he continued, âbut I always search for you until I find you. Even when youâre not physically there, I sing a song and think about you, and you appear in my mind.â
You averted your eyes, touched by his words and letting his voiced concerns sink in. âWhat are you sayingâŠâ
âIâm sayingâŠâ He took your hands into his. âThat because of you, I can be who I truly want to be, who I actually am, not this cocky asshole from the past. You keep me grounded, you bring out the best part of me. And while my fans donât bring out the worst part of me, theyâre always on the brink of luring it out, and itâs so tempting to me.â
From what Jaehyun had told you, at one point, he had wished to have a relationship with his fans like Taeyong did. More like friends with a mutual understanding, despite being fan and idol. His bandmate shared nearly everything with his beloved fans, so much that Jaehyun sometimes jokingly described it as a parasocial relationship.
But that was the difference between idols like Jaehyun and idols like Taeyong. Jaehyun kept everyone not privately involved with him at an arm's-length, because he didnât want to disappoint anyone when he acted out of the box and not so perfect.
âYou donât always have to be perfect, Yuno.â You gently pressed his fingers together in a gesture of reassurance. âEven though they all expect it from you, itâs okay to be you every now and then. Especially around me. I donât do perfect anyway. I want you to know that.â
âWhat happened to Taeyong predebut⊠It nearly destroyed him,â he admitted quietly. âI donât want that to happen to me. Perfection is not only my image, itâs my shield.â
You dismissed the topic about Taeyongâs scandal quickly. Nobody in their dorm was allowed to talk about what had happened back then ever again, and you didnât want to break this rule out of respect. âAnd now, heâs so loved and successful, coming out even stronger. Heâs found his passion, his purpose in life. Flaws donât make you unlovable, Yuno. I love every single one of your flaws, and Iâm sure your fans would too.â
Jaehyun nudged his face between your thighs and you let your fingers run between his soft, blue hair that now reminded you of lapis lazuli. âDonât be so hard on yourself.â
âOkay.â Then, quietness followed before he bluntly blurted, âYou said you love me.â
You bit your tongue. âI said I love your flaws.â
âWhich is technically the same,â he muffled into the fabric of your pants.
It wasnât, to be exact. But it didnât matter, because this was true, too.
Your palm still rested on the back of his head. Perhaps, that was the reason he wasnât able to face you. It let things slip easier from your lips. You were thankful for that at this moment.Â
âYes. I do. I love you.â
It was the first time that you told him this despite feeling it for quite a while already. You hadnât expected to eventually come around, but now that you had, you were afraid of him not feeling the same, not being capable of feeling the same.
But after everything he had told you before, you knew that these doubts were unreasonable. Â
He loved you too. What was there to worry about in the end?
You bent down and placed a kiss on the top of his head. Taking you by surprise, Jaehyun rose at the same moment and grabbed you by your neck, pulling you close to him so that your foreheads almost touched, strands of his lapis lazuli colored hair in your vision.
âI love you too.â
____
âHe wonât come out.â
Taeyong and Jungwoo stood in front of Jaehyunâs room when you arrived, worry etched into their faces. If they both werenât able to get him out, how would you?
The day before, news broke out that Jaehyun, along with Eunwoo, Jungkook and Mingyu had gone out together on April 25 to the dawn of April 26, visiting three locations in Itaewon - right after Covid restrictions of the first wave had eased. And people were furious.
You didnât even remember that day anymore as you hadnât seen each other before or after. Between comeback preparations and mc-ing, Jaehyun was busy as hell, and you let him enjoy his free time with his friends too, even though sometimes, you felt like you werenât one of his top priorities anymore. But all of this didnât matter at this moment.
âItâs the first big blow up heâs experiencing,â Taeyong explained to you with a low voice. âItâs currently too much for him to process and handle.â
âHow am I supposed to help if you arenât able to?â you wanted to genuinely know.
The main problem didnât lie with the fact that they had visited the etablissements amidst the governmentâs advice to distance themselves socially. Though this was considered a problem too, of course.
The entire internet was furious that these young men hadnât isolated themselves after someone, who had visited etablissements in the same area a week later, was officially tested positive for Covid. Thus, the government had recommended all visitors of this neighborhood between April 24 and May 6 to isolate themselves at home.Â
But no such thing had happened to the guys as they had carried on with their schedules as usual. Of course they had taken Covid tests, and you had too just in case, and they had all turned out negative.
But the internet was merciless.
âDid you talk to him yesterday?â Jungwoo asked.
You shook your head. The day this scandal surfaced was the first day Jaehyun hadnât ever texted you nor picked up your calls. That was why you had connected with Taeyong and came here directly.
âWhatever I want to say⊠It doesnât seem like itâs the right thing. I want to be careful, thinking about every word, wanting to encourage him. But Iâm afraid, with what I have to say, I might hurt him even more despite not wanting to.â
âThe most important thing is to not judge,â Taeyong recommended. âWhether it was right or wrong, he knows himself after having an emergency meeting with the management yesterday. You know what kind of person he is. Just⊠believe in him.â
âItâs a tough time for all of us since tomorrow is the comeback, and he has to face the entire world in that vlive.â
You looked at Jungwoo who had last spoken, now feeling even more discouraged, and your shoulders dropped. âThis is not really my forte, you know. Iâve never experienced something like this, nor did I go through this with someone. I can just offer⊠myself.â
âBut thatâs enough.â
âI donât know whether my presence is enough to soothe his heart, Taeyong. He apparently doesnât need me. Or better say, he doesnât want me here.â
âHe may think he doesnât need you, but deep inside, during hard times, the people we love are all we need. We try to push them away, cocooning ourselves in the comfort of loneliness and isolation when everything we need is the warmth of familiar arms wrapped around us in protection.â
The words spurting out of this man sometimes⊠No wonder he made his fans feel like they were actually acquaintanced. You were enchanted, too. âOkay. Iâll get in.â
Jaehyunâs entire room was dark, his curtains pulled together, the lamps off. The only source of light came from the tiny slit in between the fabric by the window that wouldnât close seamlessly, so only a tiny bit of sunlight streamed in. Jaehyun himself laid on his bed, the blanket pulled over his entire body, and he had his head turned to face the wall.
âHey, itâs me. Iâm coming in,â you announced and waited for a few heartbeats.
No protest from Jaehyun. You moved your head, nodded at Taeyong and Jungwoo, and pulled the door closed behind you. When you had entered the dorm, you had already taken off your shoes, but now you also slipped out of your jacket, and it fell to the floor with a rustle.
On tiptoes, you approached Jaehyunâs bed and lifted the edge of the blanket. He wore a black t-shirt and checkered pajama bottoms, seemingly not having changed since this night or the one before. He wasnât protesting, so you silently laid yourself next to him onto the mattress, pulling the covers back over you both.
Jaehyunâs body was warm, and you heaved up your left arm to drape it over his torso, nestling yourself against him and inhaling his scent. For a few moments, it felt awkward to you as he wasnât responding to any of your gestures, and you were asking yourself whether what you were doing was even right or whether you were only making a fool of yourself.Â
But just as you were playing with the thought of leaving again, Jaehyun reached for your hand that had rested against his stomach and embraced your fingers with his palm, tightly. You let out a nearly vocal sigh of relief, closed your eyes and offered him your company like Taeyong had suggested.
At one point, you believed you had drifted off, so the voice was only faint, but you swore that he had said exactly these words,
âThank you for being here.â
____
Withdraw from the group, Jaehyun. Donât go on TV.
Just keep quiet, Jaehyun.
NCTâs Jaehyun, please keep to the social distancing guidelines.
Jaehyun, tell us some good restaurants in Itaewon.
Some hot places in Itaewon, too.
âŠ.
Jaehyunâs perfect image had gotten a crack.
On the vlive on comeback day, everyone acted normal, the jokes, everything. It wasnât the first scandal NCT had faced, but the first one to involve their perfect main vocal all the girls were swooning over. That was why, on that specific day, they tried a bit harder.
âThank you,â Jaehyun addressed the screen when he won the meat gifset, but he didnât smile. He simply couldnât bring himself to do so anymore as he had tried too hard in the past hour, and now all his energy had completely left him.
It had been hard for Jaehyun to force up a smile whenever he needed to speak to the camera, comments rolling over the screen, rendering his expressions icy. Usually, the section was filled with compliments on his good looks and other pleas for some kind of fanservice, but today, it was an endless stream of malicious comments.Â
Or so it seemed to him.
âŠ.
Thatâs hilarious. Go eat your meat at a club, Jaehyun.
Heâll eat that with his Itaewon fam and girls.
âŠ.
Taeyong had had his hand on Jaehyunâs chair and shoulders at times when he spoke, letting him know that he was there for him even though he couldnât see the leader as everyone had to face the screen. Haechan and Yuta had also mentioned his name quite a lot, encouraging him to answer the questions, even though they werenât the mcs. Yuta, along with Mark, had also tried to include him in their stories. Especially the first, who laid more on the quiet site in live broadcasts, had seemed to be more enthusiastic to include Jaehyun despite sitting quite far away from him.
Jaehyun was really grateful for that, for his brothers.
Yet, when the entire vlive was over and the cameras shut off, Jaehyun couldnât help but to let out an audible sigh of relief.
âThank god,â was he only thinking, âitâs finally over.â
It was the first time that he thought that. Usually, he enjoyed comeback schedules as it was the busiest, but also one of the greatest times with fans. But right now, Jaehyun never wanted to see a single one of them again.
Next, Jaehyun noticed Taeyongâs palm was back on his shoulder in a secure gesture. âThe comments⊠please donât mind them. The majority were from our true fans and very supportive towards your situation. You okay?â
Last night, after you were gone, he had slept in Taeyongâs bed for the first time since trainee days. And despite the night before consisting of little to no sleep for him, it was nice to have someone familiar by his side again during such hard times, so that he had been able to close his eyes for a few hours.
Jaehyun shrugged. He knew there was no point in lying to Taeyong. They had known each other for so long, heâd sense it directly.Â
âI just donât know how to get over it.â A deep frown was forming a creak between his brows, his eyes glistening. âTell me⊠will I ever get over it?â
To his dismay, Taeyong was smiling, but rather sadly, almost apologetically. âThere are situations that are going to burn themselves into your soul. We live for great things and relish them, but hard times are the ones that threaten to rip apart who we are. You donât have to let it get that far.â
Jaehyun couldnât imagine that this deep pain that he felt would ever vanish. It came along with a certain agony and anxiety he had never experienced to this extent before. This turmoil of unfamiliar feelings was so strange to him that at times he felt like he wasnât able to catch air.
Like right now.
âJaehyunâŠ?â
He gasped for air, but somehow, it wouldnât find its way into his lungs. His heart was racing so fast, it felt like it was burning right in his chest. And the last time he remembered he had sweated so much was during dance practice, not after an hour of sitting.
Jaehyun felt like someone with an iron grip had embraced him and wouldnât let him go anymore, constraining his mobility, the movement of his lungs. Or why else would it be so hard for him to breathe right now?
He started to panik.
âTae-... I-... I canâtâŠâ
âOkay, sit down.â Taeyong led him back to the chair, not letting go of his arm the entire time and seated himself on the stool next to him. âYuta, please get a glass of water, quick.â
Taeyong was constantly carressing Jaehyunâs arm and shoulder, patting his back and whispering encouraging words to him that didnât quite get through his haze of panik. He was shaking and murmuring that he was scared while Taeyong responded with even more carressing and encouraging words.
âCalm down. Breathe, calmly. Itâll be over soon. Listen. Slowly, draw breath through your nose. Count until four. Do you follow me? Okay⊠one⊠two⊠three⊠four. Hold your breath for seven seconds⊠six⊠five⊠four⊠three⊠two⊠one. Now breathe out through your mouth, but count until eight! One⊠two⊠three⊠four⊠five⊠sixâŠ. sevenâŠ. eight. Now repeat again. Breathe inâŠâ
Half an hour passed by until Jaehyun could see clearly and breathe normally again. It was the first time that he had had a panic attack, and this only marked the beginning of several more.
That day, Jungwoo moved into Jaehyunâs room.
____
âSince Jungwoo moved in with him, he seems much better,â you told Seulgi, spinning in your small chair. It was the perfect metaphora to what was going on in your head.
It had been two weeks since your boyfriendâs scandal, and the internet had quickly forgotten. You had read online that people announced they would unstan NCT because of that, but that wasnât something new to you, and the amount of people actually going through with it was so minuscule, it didnât have an effect.Â
The groupâs released repackaged album âNeo Zone: The Final Roundâ marked their best-selling album up to now and their first to exceed over one million total sales. Things were going well for the band despite the US tour they had been looking forward to so much getting temporarily postponed.
Everyone had seemed to move on. But Jaehyun had a hard time forgetting.
âHis panic attacks still occur though, specifically shortly before he has to show himself in public. He fears heâs doing something wrong and then obsesses about it. Only his group members seem to be able to calm him down. I feel so⊠helpless.â
That was also the reason why he had stopped doing vlogs or going live. Jaehyun had never been the most approachable idol, but one could still see that he cared about his fans and that they were important to him, giving them tids and bits of himself.
Now, he had entirely shut down, because he didnât want people to think he was self-centered and selfish. It had grown so important to him what the public thought about him as a person.
âIt has quite an impact on your relationship, right?â Seulgi asked you compassionately.
You nodded. âShutting himself off of the public meant shutting me out, too. He barely texts or even calls me, because heâs afraid people can track his record. Heâs taken down his private instagram, because heâs scared it might get leaked. He only wants to meet in the dorm, because heâs afraid someone could follow him. His entire life has come to a standstill, including the parts where I play a role. Where I can understand all this and try to make his life as easy as possible, not triggering his attacks, itâs just⊠so hard, you know.â
âI probably donât have to tell you that being with an idol is never easy. Weâve known each other too long for that,â Seulgi elaborated, whisking the spoon in her cup of tea and placing it back on the table. âWhat I want to tell you is that you should put an end to enabling. You might not be aware of this, but enabling behaviors are common when the partner suffers from a mental health condition. If your partner has anxiety, you may feel like you are being helpful if you are working to prevent them from feeling any distress. However, when you enable your partner, it prevents them from learning how to better manage their symptoms. Communicate with him about your expectations and needs. He surely wants you to as well.â
âI can tell him that I still need to communicate daily to check up on him?â you asked carefully.
Seulgi moved her head up and down so eagerly, her sleek strands stuck to the fabric of her t-shirt.Â
âI can tell him that I think going out will be good for him?â
Again, a nod.
âAnd I can also tell him that I donât want him to hide his attacks from me?â
âAbsolutely!â Seulgi raised a finger. âAnd there is one more important thing.â
You widened your eyes. âWhich isâŠ?â
âPractice forgiveness.â
You didnât know what she meant by that, and you voiced your insecurity.
âHe might be angry with you for not understanding his condition. There might be times where you will feel like whatever you do is wrong. You cannot do everything right, all at once. And you, on the other hand, might get frustrated with him too. You might develop feelings of resentment, believing he doesnât work hard enough to cope with it.â You already parted your lips to object, but Seulgi shook her head. âI know you think that you will never feel this way. But youâre wrong. At one point, we all do. And when youâre going to think this, youâre going to feel guilty. Then, you have to forgive him and forgive yourself as well.âÂ
You already felt guilty for having been mad at him once when he had canceled on you. Aside from still hiding his attacks from you, he still hadnât explained to you what you should do when he might have a panic attack as he wanted to avoid having you witness that at all costs.
âPractice forgiveness,â you repeated. âI see.â
âIt helps you let go of pent-up tension and anxiety, and you donât even have to enable for that. I specifically said âpracticeâ, because honestly, forgiving is easier said than done and mistakes from the past get carried around way too long.â
âSeulgiâŠâ You cocked up your brow. âYou sound as wise as Taeyong. Itâs eerie.â
âOf course. Weâre the bestest of company friends!â
____
Jaehyun typically tended to keep his thoughts and worries to himself. It was a long, emotional ride until you got him where you needed him to be with you: straight-forward, raw and achingly honest.Â
There were times you talked until the crack of dawn, and even though you were not fighting in the conventional way, you were still raising your voices and crying. First, because everything seemed so frustrating. Then, because you felt like a huge burden had been lifted off the both of you.
With Covid merging into its second, graver wave, life slowed down again. Not only for ordinary people like you, but in the idol world as well. Jaehyun didnât have to go anywhere anymore except for when mc-ing for Inkigayo, and he was already so settled there that he didnât have problems being on camera.
Amidst a once so bright and hectic life, Jaehyun found beauty in the silence and peace earth had currently forced him into, probably at the right time for him.
He let time fix the crack in his perfect facade.
____
And here you were again, out in public, in hats and masks, but he was finally willing to meet somewhere else outside of his dorm, even if it was only in the park nearby. You had willingly waited for him to come for you, to make this decision himself.
Today, it was warm and sunny, but not many people were roaming around outside, so it was the perfect opportunity to get Jaehyun to adjust to public life again.
He wanted you to behave normally, not always asking how he was feeling about certain things or walking on eggshells around him. If you didnât treat him normally, he wouldnât know what normal was anymore, so you gave it your best as you walked around side by side, and also hand in hand as no one, except for a few elderly people, passed by you every now and then.
As you witnessed how Jaehyun was staying relaxed, you could let go of all the worries now as well. It was almost like before. Almost.
That was until you sensed his fingers cramping around yours, and his breathing now coming in hitches.
âYun-â You stopped in your tracks. Then, you also heard the noises, most likely coming from young people around the corner.Â
âItâs okay,â Jaehyun calmed you down, and his hand loosened around yours. âSomehow⊠itâs okay. Itâs going away.â
âReally?â
Taeyong had taught you the breathing method that he usually practiced when Jaehyun had a panic attack again. You had studied it together with him thoroughly in case it would happen when you were together. You were prepared, you were ready to accompany him through this.
âReally.â And then, his breathing became normal again. âIt passed by. For the first time⊠oddly, it just withdrew.â
âHow come?â You bent your head in question.Â
Jaehyun shrugged, but a soft smile was coming forward on his lips. âI donât doubt that you play a huge part in calming the atmosphere. In keeping me calm. And that nature has this kind of effect on me too. Itâs⊠healing.â
âIâm not doing anything,â you said, not quite understanding where this enlightenment came from.
But neither was Jaehyun. âI assume⊠thatâs the two places where I feel comfortable and relaxed the most. With you. With nature.â
You didnât let it show, but it was the best and most genuine compliment he could have given you. All âI love youââs and âI miss youââs aside, this message rooted from deep within, from the bottom of his heart, and he meant it all.
âYou want to continue walking?â you asked and squeezed his hand in reassurance.
âYes.â
If making him feel better, feel more relaxed, would mean touring the park for hours, then you would willingly and happily do so.Â
âIâm not sad about the US tour getting entirely canceled. Iâm relieved even. Is that bad?â he suddenly opened up.
From the way Jaehyun worded it, it seemed like this was something that had been on his mind for a very long time and something that he hadnât let the other group members in on. How would he be able to, when everyone had been brooding for weeks that the tour had suddenly definitely been canceled?
You shook your head. âIf it sets your heart at ease, donât ever feel bad for anything.â
âYou sound like Taeyong. Itâs eerie.â
You chuckled. âIt rubs off.â
âBut seriously⊠Iâm relieved that I have more time to adjust to my new condition. To learn how to deal with it and live with it as the person I am now. The therapist says that Iâm on the right path, and when I tell him about what happened today, he may acknowledge it as a milestone. I know people curse this entire lockdown that the pandemic brought along, but to me, it came at the right time. Life slowed down, and so can I. As idols, we barely have free time, and now, I have so much time in my hands, I donât know what to do first.â
âTell me about it,â you encouraged him. âI want to know about every single one of your plans. Whatâs on your long list? What did you always want to do and can finally convert?â
âI want to play more basketball. I want to play more piano. And you know what? I also want to write my own songs, compose songs again⊠yeah, thatâs something I would want to do.â
Jaehyun was perking up and you really loved seeing this look on his face. Even through a mask his eye smile really stood out. And like his words, it was genuine and almost like before his world broke down. Almost. âGo on.â
âI also want to try simple things like baking. Iâve never baked in my life. Did you? Can you show me?â
âOf course.â
âNow?â
âNow?â
He nodded eagerly. âNow. Weâre going to buy ingredients and then weâre going to bake the first cake of mine together.â
âSounds like a good idea.â
If it made him happy, youâd do anything with him.
____
âTake them off.â
Swallowing down the lump in your throat, you unbuttoned your shorts and slid them over your bum, down your legs. Jaehyun gazed at your lacy, red underwear and slowly traced his fingers up your thigh, making his way under the seam of your panties. He pulled the fabric aside, baring you. You ran your hand up his chest and wrapped it around the back of his neck.Â
By gently running his fingers down the side of your face, he forced your lids closed. Only seconds later, you felt his tongue gliding up your slit, causing you to gasp and your entire body to tense.
âOh, Yuno.â
âShhhh, itâs in the middle of the night.â
âI donât have roommates or anything.â
âBut the walls here are paper thin too, so better be safe than sorry and risk awkward stares from your neighbors.â
Before you could retort anything, he licked you up and down slowly, dragging his tongue over your clit. Your fingers buried themselves into the thick linen of your sheets as Jaehyun latched out onto your nub, sucking it gently into his mouth.
You arched your back up, your front teeth sinking into your bottom lip, biting hard into the flesh as you opened your eyes up and angled your neck to watch what he was doing to you. Jaehyun groaned and swirled his tongue around you, tugging your clit out between his lips and diving back in for more, repeatedly.
The pulse between your legs throbbed as blood collected in your nether regions, causing the warmth at your entrance to expand as you simultaneously grew wetter. You hadnât deemed it possible as you had already had sex before, but apparently, Jaehyun had another mission tonight.
It was the first time in a long while that he was in the mood for sex again, and even though the past weeks had been hard in that term, you had patiently waited until he was ready again - just like him in the beginning. And today was the day.
Jaehyun pushed up one of your knees, fully opening you to him, and started to go harder and faster, more intense and more greedy. His tongue licked, his lips grabbed and sucked until he covered you with his entire mouth, massaging and draping over your clit until your cries only came out as hollow whimpers.
When he finally dived in, penetrating you with his tongue, you begged for release. âPlease, Yuno, pleaseâŠâ
You bucked your hips, trying to get deeper and meet him, your breasts swaying back and forth in rhythm. Moving with him, you felt the tingling constantly building up more and more as his tongue worked inside of you, now having support from his hand as well.
âOh god, Yuno, yes, yes, yes!â
Every muscle in your body contracted so tightly, your orgasm exploded, spreading through your entire body to the very tips of every limb. If your neighbors awkwardly stared at you after this, it would have been totally worth it.Â
After the past, cloudy months, life seemed happy, normal for the both of you again in terms of personal matters. You spent as much time with each other as possible as the group barely had schedules, and to you, it felt like a relationship with someone who was not an idol. An ordinary guy. You wanted to enjoy it for as long as it still lasted.
âIâm so glad that you are much happier.â You tucked a strand of Jahyunâs hair behind his ear when he laid down next to you, but it got loose right away again.
He faced you from the side and brushed his thumb over your cheek. âMe too.âÂ
____
But life during the pandemic was hard on the entire band.Â
At first, they had taken this idle state as an opportunity to work on their own, private projects, writing lyrics, composing, dancing and just doing the things normal young men did without the pressure of being idols. They discovered new hobbies, went to the gym and spent time with family and friends. They enjoyed having little to no obligations for once in their young lives.
But when month after month passed with no end to the pandemic in sight, with travel restrictions and with the entire world seemingly shutting down, they came to the realization that this state would probably not only be temporary.Â
Before, during comebacks, the group headed to the salon at 1am, left for the broadcasting station at 4am and rehearsed there until 9am. Then, they continued filming content for a few hours and had to be at the live music shows around afternoon where they only finished later in the evening if they didnât have fan signings events. All that with only a few hours of breaks in between. The next day, this process repeated. Every single day.
You werenât surprised that they enjoyed this quiet and peaceful lifestyle at first. But you also werenât surprised when they slowly grew restless. Those young men were born for the stage, it was not only their job, but what they actually lived for, why they had come so far, and a few advertisements here and there couldnât fill the void that was steadily growing inside each of them.
They were worried about their future that had once seemed so prosperous. Worried about whether a future as this band was actually still in the books for them as they had given up everything for it.
But Jaehyun was one of the few who didnât worry much.
Despite life having almost come to a standstill, he had gotten an offer he couldnât decline in the middle of the year. As each member of NCT began looking and hoping to establish a career elsewhere, the opportunity just flew into Jaehyunâs lap.
Of course he had played with the thought of being an actor. But in the past, all his possibilities had gotten declined, because he was so involved in the growing international recognition of NCT, and that was where his newly awakened curiosity stemmed from. For the first time since joining the band, he played with the idea that there was something else he would like to base his future on, something he deemed more relaxed with less pressure on public appearance than the schedule of an idol.
It had taken Jaehyun much time, many angry tantrums and more convincing reasons to have his management approve as they were mainly worried about what his fan base might think about him openly forming a relationship with someone, even possibly having to act out kissing scenes. They wanted to keep him entirely in NCT for as long as possible, for all the fame and popularity he attracted.
But Jaehyun didnât care, and he went through hell and back with his management until they reluctantly acknowledged that during these times, it was the only way to not let him drift into the background and finally let him officially accept the role als Cha Minho in Dear. M.
Filming began in October.
____
âNo message from him today either?â
You felt Seulgi rubbing soothing patterns on your back as you stared at your phone that was placed in front of you on the table. It had been an entire week without Jaehyun calling you, and the only sign of life came through a kakaotalk emoji three days ago. Since then, you had been left on unread.
âWhen we got together, he promised me something.â
âI know. I havenât seen him lately either though.â
âIâm aware heâs filming, mc-ing and simultaneously preparing for the comeback next month, but is it so hard?â you complained, turning to your friend. âJust shooting the person, who youâre apparently in love with so much, who should be the one you think of the most, one single text by the end of the day to tell them youâre alive and okay? I donât get it.â
âSometimes, it indeed is,â Seulgi carefully tried to explain. âSometimes, during comebacks, we try to squeeze 48 hours of work into 24, and we use the free minutes in between to just come down and rest, do things for us without worrying about anyone or anything else. We need that. Sometimes, itâs much harder than it sounds.â
âEven during such times, he usually managed to do it.â You let out a rush of air, suppressing the boiling anger that threatened to come out with your following words, âSince he started filming, we barely see each other, talk to each other. When we do, he hardly has anything to share with me and I do most of the talking. Itâs been two months, and for almost just as long I feel like Iâve been single again. Am I demanding too much?âÂ
Seulgi shrugged. âIâm sure that when you two talk, you can sort it out. I wouldnât know either how it is to be an idol and an actor at the same time.â
âI asked him when I could see him again, but he didnât even read that.âÂ
âYou know what?â Your friend arose from your seat. âPut on your jacket, youâre going over to the dorm.âÂ
Your brows moved together to express confusion as you voiced your concerns, âIâve never been over without informing him before.â
âThen itâs time. He sleeps at home every night, right?Â
____
âNo, Jaehyun isnât here,â Taeyong told you upon opening the door. âHe hasnât been here in a few days. He sleeps over close to the set, because heâs got a few night shoots ahead of him.â
âOh.â You dropped your head, feeling like ordered food that hadnât been picked up, so embarrassed as well.
And Taeyong noticed, his mien softening. âYou⊠havenât known.â
âNo.â
On your way here, your disappointment had gradually shifted to anticipation, a touch of happiness even as you had hoped to see your boyfriend again. Now, every little approach of making you feel better about this relationship got destroyed by his band mate breaking it down to you that he had been gone for a few days already without informing you.
But it wasnât sadness that settled in instead, replacing shame. It was burning anger, starting off as a low flame in the pit of your stomach that was fastly growing and threatening to expand into a full wildfire so intense, you would feel it in the tips of your fingers.Â
You werenât worried that Jaehyun was cheating on you. This was something you had never considered to be stressed about, because if a man wanted to cheat, he would, and there was nothing one could do to prevent it. You had chosen to trust the man you loved, and you still did.
What worried you was that he might have let the importance of this relationship slip, neglecting it, neglecting you. And it hurt as hell.
âYou know what Iâve been doing?â You drew your brows together at Taeyongâs randomness, your fists clenched as you silently remarked. âI was just finishing up a new song I composed. You want to be the first one to listen to it?â
You knew what he was trying to do. To be a good friend to you by suggesting that you didnât need to have your time wasted after coming all the way here, and simultaneously being a good friend to Jaehyun by not disclosing to you further information about his whereabouts that might hurt you.
He was such a sweetheart, and you clearly understood more why Seulgi treasured their friendship so much.
Your fingers relaxed, dropping to your sides. âSure.â You stepped into the dorm, and it was unexpectedly quiet. Most of the others must have all gone out. âHowâs it called?â
âDark Clouds.â
What a fitting title to your current mood as well.
____
âEverything okay?â Jaehyun asked you under his breath.
You nodded and pulled his face back to yours, the sweaty tips of his bangs tickling your forehead as your lips locked again in a hard kiss that left you both winded. His rhythmic thrusts inside of you jarred your body to every last fiber, and you tried to focus on all the favorable things he made you feel during this act despite your thoughts always drifting off.
Same hotel room, same short-lived night in the arms of your boyfriend.Â
You knew it was only a few hours that you could spend with him before you had to sneak out again as the other actors and actresses resided in the building as well, and you should better enjoy the very limited time you had together. But today, you felt especially insecure about your relationship.
Still having him move on top of you, you hugged Jaehyun harder against your chest as though to make sure that you were still present and somehow alive, and he let out an affirmative groan that broke through the quietness of rustling sheets and heavy panting, only the dim light of the bedside lamp giving you the possibility to catch a glimpse at his satisfied expression that you couldnât relate with.
â...yes,â he whispered into your ear, his fingers curling into yours which he then pressed into the pillow. âAlmost there.â
Licking you all the way up from the hollow of your chin to your lips, for a moment, you had the feeling to finally be able to let yourself fall and relish this very rare moment. But as soon as you weighed yourself in the safety of his welcoming arms, your mind went astray again to rather unpleasant thoughts.
Perhaps, it was because you hadnât seen each other in two weeks again and wished for a few hours more. Most likely though, it was because of the smile which he now directed at you. The smile of which you knew didnât differ much from the one he directed at every crowd whenever he stood on stage and that you experienced in person less and less.
He was here with you, physically. But you still missed him dearly.
You were far from being on the same page as his body convulsed on top of you, and the pain that you felt emotionally nearly turned physical as you werenât able to share this special moment with him, that was how much it affected you, growing into tears that started flowing the second his body came down next to you.
âThat was amazing.â
Jaehyun wanted to pull you into an embrace, sliding his fingers between your thighs already to finish you off himself, and he was still so in the mood that your disconnection totally passed by him, even when you turned to the other side, brushing off his hand.
It was not until the tears dropped onto the sheets, leaving a dark stain, and with you arising from the bed that he sensed something wasnât right with you. And he was quick to react by grabbing you by your wrist, making you stop.
âHeyâŠâ His voice was soft, attentive - a rare occurrence lately. But it came too late. âWhatâs wrong?â
So many things were wrong.Â
You considered yourself a fitting girlfriend for an idol in terms of tolerance, support and patience. But what you had gone through these past weeks, you didnât wish upon your biggest enemy. The constant uncertainty, the minimum of communication, the lack of physical closeness. The sheer fact that your relationship had grown so unimportant to your boyfriend that whatever you did to prevent it, was to no avail.
It was like your boyfriend and the idol inside of him, who had been two different people in the meantime, couldnât be differentiated anymore. It was like the Jaehyun who had jumped right into bed with a trainee after confessing his attraction to you was back. You could only desperately search for the person you loved in this idolâs eyes.Â
The person you loved would text you more than a one liner per week to keep in touch with you. The person you loved wouldnât toss the pictures you had taken together into the abyss of their phone. The person you loved wouldnât call you over for a few hours at night only like an escort girl. The person you loved would do everything in their might to show you that you were different from everyone else.
You couldnât find this person in Jaehyun. Not anymore.
You knew that your boyfriend was still there somewhere, somehow, but you hadnât seen him in so long already, and you wondered whether he could ever take off this idolâs mask ever again or whether this was the person he had turned into now and would keep. But you wanted to be with your boyfriend, not an idol.
âI want to go.â
You cried silently as you fished for your underwear and slowly dressed yourself despite Jaehyunâs protests in the background. He held your hand, he hugged you, he shook you, desperate to make you stay, but his voice seemed worlds afar, a montone ring only audible in your ears.
On your way out, you hit over a vase, but you couldnât care less about it as you were only fixated on collecting your belongings and storming out of the room before his muscular arms would wrap around you again, and you knew for sure that this time, you couldnât withstand for that long but would fall back into his embrace again once he touched you.
âPlease! Stay!â
Jaehyun luckily struggled with his clothes, giving you enough time to open the door and closing it shut behind you a second later. Your shoes in your hand, you ran to the elevator, only hearing his room open again before you were gone from the floor.
At this very moment, you were more relieved than sad.
____
By the end of the year, NCT looked into a brighter future upon releasing their second studio album âResonance Pt. 1â & âPt. 2â as a whole, reunited group and stood on the big stage again.
It all came back. The spotlight, the fame, the success. Everything was going well.
Especially for the perfectly restored idol Jaehyun.
____
2021
âCongratulations on finishing filming!â
You had baked Jaehyun a cake. It had three soft and fluffy layers with raspberry buttercream between each of them, covered with vanilla frosting and an elaborate writing that was exactly the first word you had just now directed at him. It was also similar to the first cake you had baked together. But Jaehyun barely spared it a glance.
âIâm so tired.â He directly threw himself onto your bed, the mattress giving in under him with a squeak.
âYou donât want a slice?â Your gaze shifted between him and the cake, and you were so dumbfounded by this passive reaction to your surprise gesture that you didnât quite know how to properly react.
âNo, Iâm still on a diet.â You didnât see him rolling his eyes, but you clearly sensed it. âYou know.â
âFilming is over. Arenât you supposed to eat whatever you can now?â
âBut this appearance is what will get me famous. Like Eunwoo.â
This time, you were the one to roll your eyes, and you did it right in his field of vision. You were so tired of hearing sentences like âWhen this drama airs, I will become more known in the acting world, getting more important jobsâ or âItâs my springboard, I have to continue working hard and cannot slack off.âÂ
With every sentence, he was indicating that the time before he had turned into an idol-actor wouldnât come back, and the way he was behaving now still was proving it to you quite the hard way. There was no sign of Yuno anymore, and it had been so long since you had last seen him.
It didnât feel like you were in a relationship at all anymore, and despite you doing everything in your might to change that, giving your all, giving your best, it was expected that your partner needed to meet you at least halfway. But Jaehyun didnât even meet you at the starting point.
He simply didnât care anymore.
Disappointed, but not surprised, you got a slice of cake for yourself and seated yourself at the table, quietly eating the cake while Jaehyun was playing on his phone, and you bit down every single tear that burned at the rim of your eyes. At least, he was planning on staying the night, but you knew that you only fooled yourself into thinking that this might save your relationship, clinging onto every last straw.
Your Yuno was still there, you knew that. He was just hiding behind this cold, indifferent idol that only seemed to care about himself. As long as you didnât give up too, there was still hope that you could get him back.
âThe 97-liners are going to a club tonight. They just texted me. Mind if I join them?â
This time, you didnât try to conceal your disappointment. And your anger. âThis is the first evening in two weeks that weâve seen each other again, despite you being back for a few days already.â You spoke slowly and clearly, but not to get your point through, but to tame your pent-up anger.
âWe saw each other at the dorm three days ago.â Jaehyun raised his eyebrows as though he really believed a sit-in with his band mates where he had rarely paid attention to you equaled a couple date. âDo you want to start this discussion again?â
âHell yes I will!â You threw your fork back onto the table, your voice dripping with rage. âThe past months, weâve hardly spent time together! And no, Iâm not counting the nights you sneaked me in and out of a hotel room like a prostitute! Thatâs what I am to you right now, arenât I, Jaehyun?!â
âI told you I was busy filming, you knew I was busy filming!â He now sat up on the bed, annoyance drawn all over his face and his tone just as filled with fury. âIâm not only an idol now, but an actor as well! I will get busier! Thatâs my life! You knew before you got together with me!â
âI got together with a person who cared about me! About making this relationship work despite his job, despite his busy schedule! Not a celebrity with his head in the clouds who only cares about his career!â
Jaehyun sharply shot back at you, âArenât I supposed to make the most out of my life?! To live my dream, reaching for the stars?! Why would you want to be a hindrance?!â
âA hindrance?!â you shrieked in disbelief and pointed a trembling finger at him. âNo! You donât get to turn my words around like that! Thatâs not what Iâve been telling you, Jaehyun! You know I support your career endlessly! Iâm your biggest supporter, your motivator, canât you remember?!â Your finger then dropped to the cake and the writing on it that said âCongratulationsâ. âYou donât get to twist the story to your advantage, because you realize that Iâm right!â
Jaehyun bared his teeth, the edges of his mouth turning up. That smile was not kind. Mean even, almost eerie. You shuddered at his slow, ice cold voice. âYou think that youâre in the right alone, donât you? Then try concentrating on your work with your girlfriend texting you all day long about unimportant stuff just to stay in touch. Try paying attention to learning the script and staying focused with someone at home blowing up your phone, because she doesnât get enough attention. Try not growing dismissive and unattached to that person, because whenever you get a new message, a new call, it stresses you out, adding more pressure and strain to your already hard job. Try not starting to resent that person for all that. You think youâre in the right alone? Surprise! Youâre not.â
There was no reason to be so nasty about it, using such hurtful wording, but Jaehyun was all that, every word like a dagger that bore into your heart. âWhy havenât you told me all that?â Your words, only like a whisper with water collecting in your eyes.
âBecause, like every other girl before, you just wonât listen.â He was standing now, but made no move to get close to you, to pull you into an embrace and tell you that everything was going to be fine again, that you would work this out together. Instead, his following words were like a cold bucket of iced water that got poured over you all at once. âYou just won't understand that every now and then, I canât give you what every other guy could. Sometimes, the truth is that I donât want to give it to you. Sometimes, I want to be a boyfriend. Sometimes, I want to be an idol. Right now, I want to be an idol and an actor, and most of the time, there is only room for two out of three.â
âIâm annoying you?â You felt like you got wrapped up in cotton, so sedated. âYou donât want me anymore?âÂ
âGod, why wouldnât you-!â He led his fingers to his temples as though he was getting a headache from your questions. âSometimes, itâs not about you! This time, itâs about me, what I want! I canât give you âthe boyfriendâ, because itâs not my priority right now! Iâm still young, there is so much I can still venture, and I want it all!â
âBut thatâs not how it works when you have decided to be in a relationship,â you disagreed, tears now streaming down your cheeks, yet he still didnât seem to care. âYou canât just call me when you need someone to warm your bed. You made a commitment, you have to nurture our relationship, care about it. What is the point in not doing so, in shoving it away when itâs not convenient for you, when it doesnât fit your schedule? You donât want it anymore?â
Your stomach churned, and you suddenly felt so sick, having it run hot and cold down your spine. Had you really been suffocating him, demanding too much and not adapting to his circumstances and needs? Perhaps, requiring to stay in contact every day when you were exhausted and overworked wasnât what your partner needed. But if it was what you needed on your end, how would you ever find a common ground?
Of course you had silently thought about breaking up. So many times already, if you were being honest, and the amount of thoughts revolving around that topic was only increasing with each passing day. But now that the proposal had vocally slipped from your mouth, you wished you could take it back.Â
You wanted him to deny it, to fight for you. But even now, he didnât seem to care. For this Jaehyun, you wouldnât willingly or happily do anything anymore. He had drained you of your perseverance, joy, goodwill, spirit and life, and had given you nothing in return. This Jaehyun didnât deserve any of it. He didnât deserve you.
âWhy would you still want it?â was his monotone question in return.
You sank onto your knees now, your face buried in your palms. âBecause I love you, Yuno. Donât you⊠love me too?â
âI donât know.â Again, no softness or feelings in his tone. âI donât know anything anymore.â
When he walked out of the room shortly after, leaving you there alone in your puddle of tears, you realized you might have lost Yuno forever to the cocky, selfish Jaehyun.
____
Two weeks later, it was officially announced that the premiere of the first episode of Dear. M was going to be postponed due to emerging school time bullying allegations against the lead actress.Â
Only shortly before, you had officially broken up with Jaehyun after tip-toeing around that topic for so long. Even then, he hadnât seemed to care much and had only responded with a shrug.
When the news about Jaehyunâs postponed drama had first reached you, you wanted to call him immediately, knowing how hard he had worked for it. Just because you had split from someone for you both to lead a better life, didnât mean you stopped loving and caring about this person.
But you didnât reach out.
____
Jaehyun was struggling with a heartbreak and a scandal at the same time. The latter again, the first was new to him in that intensity.Â
He knew it was best for you to let go of him as he hadnât been able to give you what you were expecting from a relationship, and for him to not lose focus of what he still wanted to achieve in life. At first, he had only felt relief, as ruthless as it might sound, but it felt like a huge responsibility had been lifted off his shoulders.
Then, a few nights later, alone in his bed while scrolling through your old pics that he had kept buried in his phone, he had cried. And the night after that. And the night after that. Even now, two months later, this heavy feeling still laid itself around his chest, making it hard for him to breathe when he was alone, similar to his panic attacks in the past.Â
Only with this feeling, there was no method to lessen the pain.
âIâm not a kind person anymore, Taeyong.â Jaehyun kneaded his fingers as he was sitting in the grass, the warm spring sun warming his face under the mask. âI donât know what happened. This is not me. I dread video calls with fans, and it shows. I donât direct nice words at other people anymore, and they notice. I donât care about feelings, about hurt anymore. Whatâs happening with me?â
Taeyong fiddled with the camera in his hands that he had used to take photos shortly before. He had brought his friend to this botanical garden to stroll around in nature as for him, it always held a calming and relaxing atmosphere, and this was something he suggested Jaehyun needed. Some healing time in one of his favorite places to be, pure nature.
âYouâve let this life consume you,â Taeyong broke it down to him, the harsh truth, and settled in the grass next to him. âYou got lost. You thought you were going to be a big star, that you didnât need anyone anymore. You started to only care about yourself and neglected the people around you. And Iâm not only referring to your ex, but also to us. You pushed them all away.â
âLost, hm.â
In the end, he had really come so far. Lost in this world, in this part of him that he had wanted to keep caged and only let out when he was in the spotlight. The part of him that savored his position on stage a bit too much - it had fully taken control of him.
Jaehyun ruffled his hair that was glistening in the evening sun. It was true that he had made everything a priority except for the people who had always been there for him. Stardom had gotten to his head, but he just hadnât wanted to lose focus when the breakthrough was so close.
⊠until it had gotten stripped away from him all over, and the people who were left were the ones who had always been by his side. Except for you.
Jaehyun was aware that he owed you a big apology like the one he had directed at his group mates only the day before. But he just couldnât bring himself to, because for him, it wouldnât change a thing about your situation despite holding so many regrets.
Jaehyun still wanted to become big, and there was only so much time he could sacrifice for a working relationship. He couldnât give you what you wanted. And at one point, he didnât want to as well. You deserved someone who was like the Yuno you had had a great time with, not the Jaehyun right now, hungry for success.
And as he had feared in the beginning, it had all come down to that: his life had ruined everything you had built together. People like him came to destroy, they didnât come to stay. It just didnât work out with ordinary partners, no matter how hard they tried, how hard they fought. At one point, they would all need to give up. Even now, he remembered Soyeonâs words.
There was no end to this pain like there was no end to the oceanâs waters.Â
âHow do you do it?â Jaehyun then asked Taeyong, and his friend knew directly what he meant without him having to elaborate further.
âDeep inside, Iâm still only Taeyong. I didnât lock that little boy away. Iâm an idol, a composer, a leader, but Iâm always also a son, a grandson and a friend. You have to embrace all of them. Donât ever forget that.â
For Jaehyun, it was only so hard to be all of them at the same time.
If so, then he needed to let go of perfection - the sole thing he was made to identify with. If so, what would be left of him?
____
The school time bullying allegations surrounding the lead actress of Dear. M didnât get resolved directly, and hence the premiere of the drama got postponed for an undetermined time.
Life slowed down for Jaehyun once more as he was also replaced as an mc on Inkigayo. And although some people in his group held grudges against him until now for the way he had acted so indifferent towards the band during drama filming, he entered his own redemption arc.
Jaehyun spent more time doing things for himself like playing the guitar, the keyboard or attempting to compose songs. He went to the gym with Xiaojun, accompanied Taeyong to his friendâs recording studio and even started playing basketball again with his non idols friends.
Still, he didnât consider being in a relationship anymore at this point in his life. He wanted to learn how to love himself more, embrace all parts of him, the good and the bad, before he would find himself in the position to transfer this love to someone else.
Right now, he was practicing pulling up temporary shields to not let negative feelings consume him, getting out of bed every morning with positive thoughts despite cruel comments, and looking out for a bright future although there seemed to be never ending hindrances.
Jaehyun still believed in love, but it was also still not his priority.
____
By the time of the release of NCT 127âs third studio album âStickerâ in September, Jaehyun was almost fully back on track with himself and his career.Â
âStickerâ was the highest pre-ordered K-pop album in one day and got sold over 2.4 million times within a week after its release. On top of that, âStickerâ also became the highest ranking K-pop album on the chart in 2021, followed by the release of the repackaged album âFavoriteâ that didnât fall short in terms of success, making it the best selling album from the company.Â
But Jaehyun still wanted more. He didnât only want to be an idol. As an idol, his success was limited. In five or ten years, he couldnât and possibly didnât want to be one anymore anyway when the contract ended and his band mates all decided to go their own ways, so Jaehyun considered getting a foot into any door before time ran up.
If they wouldnât air âDear. Mâ, then he would find something else, no matter how hard he would need to fight for it. And Jaehyun fought like a tiger. For every offer, magazine shoot, ambassador position, another drama, movie, the release of a solo song - to no avail.
So Jaehyun didnât quite understand why they let him take on one of the lead roles in the remake of the movie âBungee Jumping of Their Ownâ. Out of all romcoms which he had gotten offered that would make a great start to kick off his acting career, the management had decided that he would do this specific movie that immediately drew attention for its content.
But Jaehyun wouldnât complain. He would adapt. Perhaps, not debuting with a romcom was exactly what he was looking for. Having to deal with such an extraordinary plot would get him some great recognition as a debut actor who didnât go by the stigma of an idol rookie actor playing the dreamy playboy. His natural talent and hard working attitude would not get overshadowed by his looks, letting people see past his perfect outward appearance.
It was a great opportunity, and Jaehyun took it, positively looking into the future, full of hope.
____
Jaehyun didnât want to continue anymore.
Yet, he stood on the stage of Gocheok Sky Dome and sang in front of all these people who were attending the first concert in the âNeo City - The Linkâ tour when inwardly, he only wanted to disappear.Â
Witnessing how his band mates were jumping, singing and laughing around him and none of this merriness transferred to him, Jaehyun believed that he couldnât feel anything anymore. But he needed to play along, jumping, singing and laughing with them.
Since the cancellation of âBungee Jumping of Their Ownâ due to the authorâs religious beliefs and his management confessing that they had only used this news for clout, there had been more than one occasion where Jaehyun had thought about quitting all this, even standing on the big stage.
He had the looks, but they only wanted him to be the poster child of his band. He had the talent, but it didnât get supported. He had the determination, but he was chained to a tight contract for a few more years. Â
What was it worth living for if you couldnât live your dream?
He was currently feeling so lost again. And that was also the name of his solo stageâs name that night, âLostâ.
He had written it at a time when he was feeling lonely. He still did. Throughout the downs of the past months, he had wished that you were there to take him into your arms and comfort him like back then during his Itaewon scandal. But Jaehyun also knew that he didnât deserve you thinking about him, and didn't deserve an ounce of your forgiveness.
Yet, he poured all his feelings into this song, hoping that somehow, they would reach you. That you would be scrolling through the internet later that night and stumble upon videos and articles, listening to the lyrics and knowing exactly that he was singing about you, even though you werenât physically there.
âŠ.
âIt's been a long time since you're gone
Still filled up with the scent of your warmth
And staring at a blank wall
Drawing what's been naturalâ
âŠ.
It had almost been a year since your break up, and for the most time, he had been blind to the truth. If you didnât have supporters on the path to success and just dropped everyone along the way because you see them as baggage, who would be waiting for you once youâve reached the greatest of heights? Who would stand at the top, cheering for you as you sprinted the last meters, sharing your happiness? And who would, at the same time, wait at the bottom to catch you when you fell just to help you up again?
âŠ.
âThe days are empty and without you
It's just me on my side
But when my arms are around you
There's nothing else to craveâ
âŠ.
Jaehyun tried so hard to bite down his tears as his feelings seemed to bristle all at once. On stage, he was so vulnerable, all eyes and cameras on him only, every tone heard, every expression monitored. But that was the only way that you could see him, hear him out, so he endured all of it. Jaehyun had so many regrets, but he also knew he was too late.
âŠ.
âBut I need to say (Oh, I feel so lost)
âNobody else,â but need you to stay
By any chance, it might've been too late, too lateâ
âŠ.
If you didnât forgive him, then he only wanted to make sure that you acknowledged what he was singing. What he was still feeling after all.
But curtain call, and another two concerts passed by without another word from you.
____
2022
In January, NCT 127 won the daesang at the Seoul Music Awards. They were at the peak of their career.
But to Jaehyun, it still meant nothing.
In 2023, Taeil would be joining the army. Taeyong possibly after that, and with their leader gone, Jaehyun wasnât sure whether they would stay with this constellation, shift entirely or each member going on doing their own thing. He probably only had one year left.
But Jaehyun didnât even know what his own thing was. He was good at singing, playing instruments, composing, writing lyrics and even acting if he said so himself, but none of that seemed to get him to the same level as Taeyong, for example, who had released one solo demo after another on his Soundcloud. Of course Jaehyun had accompanied him and had been supported by him, but after long writing and composing sessions he felt even more confused than before.
With all of his solo projects getting either indefinitely postponed, canceled or beaten down by his own management, Jaehyun felt disheartened and discouraged. Like a failure, and even his perfect visuals couldnât get him out of this slump except for pulling off a few grimaces when he got asked to do aegyo in fancalls once again.
He dreaded his current life. And he didnât care about perfection anymore. From one day to the other, he just stopped caring about that. He was aware now that, even though it seemed like it from the outside thanks to his good looks and his public image, with everything real he had done and gone through:
Jaehyun was far from being perfect.Â
He had never, ever been. He had been forced to play this certain role since debut, and it had restricted him from living his best life, who he truly was and wanted to be.
He was a liar, and he was deceiving everyone, playing the charming prince when someone else inside of him, someone more real, begged to be set free, released into the world for everyone to see. Perfection was a curse and there was no one to lift it.
âYou want to come to the studio with me?â Taeyong peeked through the door, but Jaehyun just pulled the blanket over his head and turned to the wall.Â
âNo.â
He couldnât quite remember the last day he had seen more than this room, most of his free time getting spent sleeping since the end of the promotions. Jaehyun was kind of grateful, no, more relieved, that there were no plans for a comeback soon or any kind of bigger job for him, so he could spend all of his time in his bed, far away from the spotlight.
The spot next to him on the mattress gave in, and Jaehyun rolled his eyes as he noticed his friend getting seated next to him on the bed.Â
âI liked the cocky, reckless Jaehyun from before more, even though he wasnât a very nice person,â Taeyong said quietly, his fingers draping over the duvet where he assumed his friendâs shoulder to be, continuously rubbing soothing patterns into it. âAt least he was woke. Alive. Lively. Most of all, I liked Yuno of course. Aside from being determined and full of light, he was also kind. This JaehyunâŠâ Taeyong paused. âThis Jaehyun scares me.â
The sheets rustled, but Jaehyun made no efforts to show himself to his friend. Taeyong didnât remember when he had last come out of his room either except for using the bathroom. Lately, Jungwoo usually brought food into the shared bedroom which he had mainly left untouched in the beginning. With time, Jaehyunâs appetite hadnât increased, but at least he was now willing to eat half of each dish.Â
Taeyong also couldnât remember the last time he had heard Jaehyun shower. And he must know, because when they had left him alone in the bathroom the week prior, they had to call for Johnny to break the door open, because Jaehyun had spent too much time locked in it, worrying all of them. In the end, he had only laid in the tub and blandly stared at the tiles for hours until the water had all run cold.
âYuno is dead,â Jaehyun muttered under the blanket. âHis dreams all shattered. He doesnât have a future.â
âThen Taeyong is dead, too.â
âWhat are you saying⊠Without Taeyong, there is no NCT.â
âWithout you, there is no NCT either.â
âBut what can I contribute as an artist?â Despite his voice only coming out muffled, Taeyong suspected underlying frustration in his tone. âApparently, Iâm not a good enough singer, not a good enough rapper, not a good enough composer, not a good enough actor, not good enough⊠not good enough in anything! There is always someone a bit better. Iâm just average, except for my face, perhaps. But even by that, there are people others deem as equally traditionally handsome. What do I have to offer, what can I contribute? Iâm not like you.â
âYou think being me is a free ride to everything? Almost all of my solo projects get ditched, postponed or entirely dropped. Yet, I continue on. Itâs not our fault we donât get supported, we all are aware of that,â Taeyong clarified.Â
âWhy do I feel like the mistreatment isnât as grave elsewhere?â Jaehyun stated his conception.
âThe grass always seems greener on the other side. But trust me, it isnât.â Taeyong continued, âAnd donât even talk about you being average. You might not be the leader, but youâre the axis. Youâre the one who grasps the balance, never wavering. To us, youâre in the middle, and the middle is responsible to keep the balance going. The middle is not average, the middle is a jack of all trades. Itâs a very important position. What you just havenât found is the identity for you as an individual artist.â Taeyong paused. âYour efforts will never betray you. All your efforts will pay off. Even if itâs not with this company. Even if itâs not now.â
Jaehyun remained quiet. He had heard Taeyong say this motivational sentence so often, but the last part was new. He pondered over it, and then came to the realization that it scared him, that he had been beat down and didnât know how to get up again.Â
âI still want it. I donât want to give up on being an idol just yet. Itâs everything Iâve worked so hard for.â Little Jaehyun also had had a dream back then, and the Jaehyun now was shattering everything he had pathed the way for. âYuno is not dead. Heâs only hiding.â
âThen let him come out. Let him live,â Taeyong urged him. âYou donât have to. Let Yuno take over again, let him enjoy the things he likes, the things heâs worked so hard for, just a bit more. Let him take over again and let this Jaehyun rest for just a bit. We have to be patient, savoring what lies in front of us now. We all dream big, but perhaps, itâs just not our time yet to take over the world. Perhaps, weâre not ready yet.â
Now, Taeyongâs patting motions felt soothing, not heavy anymore. What Jaehyun hadnât considered was that probably, all of his members felt his way.Â
He wasnât alone.
The next day looked much brighter to him as he sat up in the morning and joined Taeyong for breakfast in the kitchen.
____
But coming out of this slump wasnât easy for Jaehyun. He wanted to, he really did, but it was just so hard. On some days, he was laughing and joking and being productive, and on others, he simply didnât get up, canceling meetings and schedules.
When one evening, he was sitting motionlessly at the edge of the bathtub again, too tired to get dressed in more than his boxers, droplets falling from the tips of his wet hair to his shoulders and too exhausted to even shave, he heard a knock on the door.Â
âItâs occupied.â
â... Please let me in.â
Jaehyunâs head shot upwards and his eyes widened. This couldnât be⊠Within a second, he was by the door, the knob shaking under his grip as he struggled with opening it, but when he finally succeeded in doing so, he was looking into a pair of eyes he hadnât seen in more than a year, but had dedicated an entire song to,
You.Â
When you looked back at him at that moment, you didnât recognize Jaehyun at all. The person who stood in front of you looked like him, but he had nothing in common with the one who you had separated from last year.Â
So exhausted, so broken. So⊠lifeless.
You wanted to pull him into an embrace, wrap him into everything he lacked and you could share: happiness, independence, success and brightness. Where Jaehyunâs life had probably gone downhill, yours had been thriving, in your personal and work-related matters.
But you didnât physically force yourself onto someone who was struggling. Instead, you smiled and made your way into the bathroom. You urged Jaehyun to sit back down on the tubâs edge with a curl of your finger. He followed your motion silently, and despite his lifeless interior, when you shifted around to him, you saw a glimmer in his eyes - short-lived and only barely visible, but it had been there. He was still there.
Only now, his eyes fell upon the set of fresh clothes you were carrying around. He didnât even need to ask. He knew it was all Taeyongâs doing with the friendship you had been maintaining behind his back, and he couldnât even be mad about it. He had decided to let you go, but Taeyong hadnât.Â
âLift your feet,â were the first words you directed at him, and willingly, Jaehyun heaved his right one up, and you dropped to your knees, pulling the sock over his raised foot, then over the other until both were covered.
Jaehyun shivered from the touch, not because your hands were cold, but because he hadnât let anyone come close to him emotionally, but also physically lately. And because your touches set everything free he had been trying to keep hidden and under control ever since your separation, buried in a casket in the very pits of his iced heart. Now, the lock was on the verge of bursting, and he didnât know how much he could still take.
You were here, you were so beautiful, and once again, selflessly supportive. He didnât deserve you. But he let you continue.Â
Jaehyun let you ruffle his joggers, draping them around his ankles after slipping one foot after another into each leg, and let you pull it all the way up to his waist to fix it around his thinned middle with the band. You had brought along a plain t-shirt to dress him in as well, and Jaehyun willingly raised his hands without you needing to tell him to do so.Â
Goosebumps crossed all over his skin where your fingers grazed over his exposed body, and it was the first human touch he didnât despise one bit after all this time. The opposite even, it made him feel alive, because it made him feel something.Â
At one point, when you helped Jaehyun get into the hoodie that came after, he caught himself wishing you wouldnât stop dressing him. His entire body was engulfed with such a warmness that he thought his heart was going to explode. It was so overwhelming, he could barely take it.
âWhen did it all go so wrong?â were the first words he whispered, and despite you having prepared yourself for it, it still caught you off guard that Jaehyun suddenly started crying when you had expected yourself to fold first.
He still hadnât gotten up from the tub, so you knelt once again, leaving a towel draped around his shoulders to catch the droplets falling from the strands of his hair while his tears, big and round, dropped on his new joggers, staining the fabric. You took his hands into yours, and they felt so thin and so cold as though all strength had left them for a long time already. His shoulders were shaking as he made sounds so painful, it broke your heart all over again.
Jaehyun was wishing that you two hadnât broken up. That he hadnât changed so much back then, rendering him blind to everything beautiful he had been surrounded by, the main attraction being you. He was also wondering whether he would still sit here in this mental and physical state if you had been with him all along instead, supporting him with love and hope.
But then he realized that yes, he would have. Because a relationship couldnât have saved him from becoming the new Jaehyun he had turned into and destroying everything around him, even himself. Love wasnât the thing to protect you and get shattered in the process, but to catch and heal you. He had never wanted any of that. Until now.
And now, he realized too, it was definitely too late as his gaze fell upon the golden band adorning your ring finger, with a small, shimmering stone on top of it.Â
You broke through the silence first. âI listened to âLostâ.â
âYou did?â Jaehyun furrowed.
âMore than once. Over and over again.â
He smiled mildly as he looked down, locking eyes with you. âBack then, I really felt that way.â
âNow, you donât anymore?â
âIâm still lost. But now, I wouldnât ask you to stay anymore when I was the one responsible that we werenât able to work out.â
âDonât say that,â you told him, your fingers squeezing his. âPerhaps, I always wanted too much. I should have been open to adapting our relationship, my needs to what was possible for you, what you could have given me. Perhaps, we both should have instead of enforcing our own demands.â
He concluded, âI demanded too much of you.â
âAnd I was too willing to happily give you every part of me, and in the end I lost myself.â
âSo you were lost too.â You wanted to withdraw your hands, but Jaehyun held the right one in place, the tip of his thumb outlining the ringâs stone that rested there, almost like a threat to him. His view lingered, then shot back at you, and the look in his eyes was almost as lively as in the past, almost fierce, challenging. âBut now youâre here. Why?â
âBecause Taeyong asked me to.â Your breathing hitched, and you prayed he wouldnât notice. âH- he thought that maybe I could be of help when⊠when nobody else could.â
âWhy else?â
âBe- because the oth-â
âI donât care about what the others said,â he made himself clear, his tone even surprising him as he had lately seldomly overheard it being so strong. âWhy did you decide you wanted to come here?â
âIâŠâ
âYouâŠ?â Jaehyun held his breath.
âBecause I don't want to see you like this!â you finally spilled, your fingers curling into his, not separating. âI want to see you determined, bright, laughing, joking, and full of joy! I want you to see the world, to do the things that make you happy! I want you to fulfill all your dreams! You deserve being an idol, actor, everything youâve been working so hard for, Jaehyun! I donât want you to watch it all go down the drain, because life decided for you to take detours, throwing hindrances at you. I believe in you. I believe that one day, you will have all the success, live your dream and be thoroughly happy. I want you to have all that!â
Jaehyun swallowed, hard. âEven if itâs not with you?â
âSpecifically, it shouldnât be with me.â Tears blurred your vision just like his, but you didnât care. âI shouldnât be in any of your dreams. You should build your future around what you, and only you, want.â
âIn the entire idol world, you were the only thing that was real, my connection to the real world. I have lost you, and look what I have turned out to become.â His voice was shaking, and as you wiped your tears, you saw that he hadnât stopped shedding some either.
âThatâs not true.â You smiled, the corners of your lips tasting salty. âYuno is your connection to the real world. Yuno is still there. Right now, I see him, and I feel him. Donât cage him, let him see the world. But donât drop this Jaehyun either. Heâs strong-willed and powerful. Find the right balance between the two of them.â
âYou believe in me nonetheless?â A little sigh of relief escaped from Jaehyunâs lips as he awaited your reply.
Through the tears, you kept your positive, earnest expression. âJaehyun, I will always believe in you. But you need to believe in yourself too. You can do it.â
That was when Jaehyun realized that it might not only be a slump, and that he needed to see a therapist. If he wanted to be thoroughly happy again, he didnât need love. Love didnât propel him forward. He needed long term professional help again.
âThank you.â Merely a whisper from Jaehyun.Â
Gratitude, but also a goodbye, you both knew it as you still rested on your knees and Jaehyun on the tubâs edge, and you stayed like that for only a bit longer.
____
âIt's been two and a half years since I came to Japan.â
Jaehyun stood on the big stage again and savored the spotlight, surrounded by over 70.000 people.Â
The bright smile on his lips was honest and accompanied him throughout the entire evening. A total of 220.000 in the biggest venue in Japan on three days still couldnât fill the parts inside of him that he had lost along his way here, the hole in his heart was just too big. But it had gotten temporarily fixed with the love of his family, friends, members and, of course, his fans.Â
He wasnât perfect anymore, and he didnât need to be. He didnât want to be. He owed it to no one.
But until Jaehyun would be rid of that imagine, it would take time - if he would ever get this far after all these years living up to it. But he didnât put himself under so much pressure anymore to maintain being someone he wasn't deep inside.
Jaehyun knew that the path to the person he had ideally laid out to be was still long. Perhaps, the damage that had been done was too grave to ever reach him - a mix of Jaehyun and Yuno that was patiently waiting at the very top of the mountain - but Jaehyun would try his hardest to reach this new version of him, the best of both worlds. Even if he would miss his aim, he wanted to leave the part of his life behind that beat him down till he was too emotionally damaged to continue.
Everyday, he got up. Every day, he fought with himself. Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. But every day, he chose to get up.Â
And when one day, he felt too mentally or physically exhausted to put up a fight for longer, he gave up. But only for one day. Once in a while, it was alright for him to let himself rest, to let his heart rest. He owed it to himself. These days, he and his therapist officially called ârest daysâ. The other days, when he actually got things done, were called âsunny daysâ.Â
âI only went back and forth from the hotel to the practice room, to the concert hall. I didn't realize it, but after seeing you guys I realized it! And I feel alive. Thank you for making me feel alive!â
This time, these words were no lies.
Where idol duties and fan service had been such a hard burden to him before, because he just hadnât felt anything toward them anymore, he was now letting all the love stream into this hole the past months had left. And almost, but only almost, his heart felt close to getting entirely patched up again during these moments. Only a tiny part was still missing.
Perhaps, one day, Jaehyunâs heart would be whole again. Perhaps, it would entirely stay this way, incomplete. Perhaps, the ârest daysâ would pile up until they prevailed over the âsunny daysâ. Perhaps, he would see his therapist more often then. But if, on the âsunny daysâ, he always felt like this, then he was sure that every morning, it would be worth it to put up a fight, no matter the outcome. At least he would have tried.
Jaehyun had it all again. And he felt so alive.
âEven though I wrote âLostâ when I was lonely, I am happy now!â he told the crowd, and they cheered.
When he was singing âLostâ, he didnât think about you anymore.Â
He thought about his dark phase and how the âsunny daysâ were much more fun. And he thought about how on ârest daysâ, he feared that they would stay and that he would never see the âsunny daysâ again. But then, he closed his eyes and captured the moment. The music, the atmosphere, the crowd, his life.
And chose to stay.
Right here, on this stage. As an entirely changed man. On a sunny day even when it might be raining outside.
____
In June, Jaehyun flew to Italy to attend Milan fashion week and was officially chosen as Pradaâs ambassador shortly later.
At the end of the month, âDear. Mâ was finally released and got him the attention with his acting debut, his performance critically acclaimed.
In July, NCT 127 celebrated their 6th anniversary, and Jaehyunâs message to his fans came from the bottom of his heart, every syllable seeped with sweet, almost painful honesty,
Thank you to Nctzens who have been with us for 6 years.
Iâve said this during the live, but as time goes by, I feel like we have gotten closer and more comfortable with each other compared to the previous year.
I always think that I am here because of you guys' presence.
Thank you for always supporting us, let's stay together for a long time.
âŠ.
In the same month, Jaehyun was on Elle Koreaâs August issue.
By the end of August, Jaehyun also released his own, original project on NCT lab.
And there was much more to come.
Everything Jaehyun had worked so hard for eventually came around.Â
His efforts were starting to pay off.
____
2023
Of course you had regretted your separation from Jaehyun, from the very first moment on.Â
But that love hurt. And love wasnât supposed to hurt. It was supposed to tend and to heal. To fill the little parts in your heart that were still open and incomplete, maybe even bleeding. But it wasnât supposed to rip it all open, deepening the wounds.Â
Loving Jaehyun had been pretty and ugly just like the idol world was equally pretty and ugly.Â
As a girlfriend, you were tough and steady. As Jaehyunâs girlfriend, even you had eventually succumbed to this world he used to love so much. You didnât want it to swallow every good part of you like it had done with Jaehyun, so you had let him get eaten by the sharks.
You had so many regrets.Â
If you had been there, would it all still have turned out the way it had? You didnât know despite Taeyong always trying to convince you of the opposite. What had happened to Jaehyun had no relation to you, and if you hadn't left, he would have dragged you down with him. He just hadnât been ready yet, and to fully become the person he wanted to be, he had needed to let go of you, too.
So you had worn a fake engagement ring on the day you had gone to the dorm to get him dressed.Â
The tears shed in the bathroom had not only been tears of sadness upon seeing him so broken in front of you, but also because you needed to walk all over his feelings, and over yours too, suppressing every lingering love you still held for him. And only on that day you had realized that it still was so much, you cried yourself to sleep.Â
But watching Jaehyun become the person he had always wanted to be made up for all the pain you carried in your heart until now.
In the videos online, you didnât see the Jaehyun from back then anymore, the mean one and the broken one, that was clear. Jaehyun and Yuno, they had both merged into a person who knew themselves really well, what they wanted, what they needed and what they could give to others. That person radiated confidence and was full of light.
You could also see that clearly when you got out of the car, scanning the venue and looking for him until you saw him walking in your direction from across the street, raising his arm to give you a sign to wait, he would come to you.
Today, Jaehyun had finished filming for another project, and despite the coldness that lingered out in the open, you had decided to wait outside, because you were so impatient to finally see him again.
You just didnât know how he would react after Taeyong had confessed your little stunt to him. Taeyong also wouldnât tell you. But you were prepared for everything after Jaehyun had arranged this meetup. For him to curse you out, to say how disappointed he was, to tell you to never meddle with his life again - you were prepared for everything.
Except for what would actually come.
Outwardly, he hadnât changed much from what you perceived except for the color and style of his hair. But you knew that his heart was entirely different from when you had last seen each other. And it made your heart thumb a bit faster, getting you all nervous.
You couldnât quite read his expression as Jaehyun was apparently cold as well and hiding half of his face in the security of his parkaâs hood as he greeted you, âHi.â
âHi,â you greeted back, a small cloud forming from your breath as you scanned him from head to toe.
âLetâs go.â He nodded with his chin. âI want to take you out. Youâre ready?â
You stilled, your eyes widening with a little shaking of your head. You were taken by surprise. âTaking me out? Right now?â
He nodded again, and gradually, the corners of his lips tilted up to a warm smile that melted your heart as he showed more of his face. His eyes were genuinely smiling with him. âRight now. Weâve lost so much time, I donât want to wait a day longer.â
You were too stunned to reply. Him standing in front of you after such a long time and asking you out seemed so surreal to you. It made you nervous and excited, a touch of falling in love all over again like in the beginning. âI thought you hated me,â you eventually blurted.
âWhy would I feel so?â He cocked a brow.
âBecause I lied to you.â
âNobody lied to me,â Jaehyun concluded calmly. âI talked myself into believing what I saw without asking. Nobody told me you were engaged, none of us mentioned it. Iâve decided on my own will to move on from you upon seeing the ring. By all means, it could have been a normal one.â
âAnd..?â You gulped. âHave you? Moved on, I mean.â
âI did.âÂ
Admittedly, this answer hurt like hell. You should have expected that after almost two years. You only brought out a nearly silent, âOh.â Then it wouldnât be a date like you had hoped for, but only a catch up between two acquaintances.
But Jaehyun also added, âThat doesnât mean we canât get to know each other again. Learn about us again. About our lives, habits, aims, dreams⊠And see if they align.â
âAlignâŠ?â You blinked. âForâŠ?â
âIâm dating to settle, to marry.â Again, he was hiding half of his face in the collar of his parka, so you couldnât interpret his expression.
You still smiled though. So he did want to take you out on a date. You really wanted to get to know him again as well, the person he had become as his career was rising, the person who truly wanted you to be in his life again, who had whole-heartedly decided on you.Â
This person was more mature, having determination and sternness in their soft, brown eyes. They wanted career, the spotlight, the fame, because that was where their passion stemmed from.Â
You opened your mouth, but Jaehyun stepped forward, grabbed you and pulled you hard against his chest. You instantly closed your eyes when he wrapped his arms around you and shivered, warmly, when he pressed a kiss into your hair. âBefore you answer, you should know that I missed you. So much.â
âI missed you too.â And then, you finally said, still in an embrace. âOkay. Letâs try again.â
Jaehyun was holding you close in position, and from his tone alone, as you were quietly resting against his chest, you swore the tips of his ears turned pink and he scrunched up his nose cutely as he said, âIf youâll find yourself in a position to love this Jaehyun in the future, I promise to you that I wonât ever disappoint you again.â
You already did. You had never stopped. But you kept it to yourself for now.
Amidst the cold, you were feeling warm in his arms. And amidst the clouds, you felt the sunshine on the tip of your nose. Today was, despite the cloudy weather, a sunny day.
You werenât scared of loving this Jaehyun.Â
____
NOW
Hey y/n.
I never wanted to be an idol.
Back then, if I had to choose between becoming famous and starting a family of my own, I would have decided on getting married and having children. I would have wanted to be like my dad. A good dad, always there for my children whenever they need me, passing on advice and insights like I have experienced with my own parents.
That would have been my answer if I were still a teenager.
But dreams change. Just like people.
I cannot start a family at the peak of my career anytime soon. And thatâs the problem. I love my life, my job. Itâs just this world that I hate. This world that forbids me to have both, you and everything Iâve worked so hard for these past years.
But I want this all, I want this so bad, even more than pursuing the dream of children of my own at this moment.
I want to stand on the stage, sing, make music, and be an ambassador, a model, an actor, all of that. I want to have an impact on people, I want them to see me, acknowledge me and everything I succeed in doing. Itâs whatâs giving me life, the motivation to continue. This is what Iâm currently thriving for.Â
I want this so bad.Â
But I want this all with you.
Life is a process of changing and growing, you donât follow one path from birth until the end. There are detours, forks and hindrances. But as long as you have determination in your heart and confidence in your eyes, everything is possible.
I want to start over again with you. I have the energy, I have the passion, I have the drive to do it. And I believe in it. I believe in us.
Itâs not only the bad times where I should feel like needing you. Itâs when I feel like that Iâm at my happiest, when I actually donât need someone by my side, I wish that you were here to share my feelings, too.
I want to laugh with you, celebrate with you, cry tears of joy with you. And if you could even be there when times get bad, when I hit rock bottom again, I promise I wonât pull you down with me. I will let you hold me, hold me tight and make it better. And I will rise from the ashes again just like the sun rises every day.
I canât do this with anyone else. It has to be someone in particular.Â
It has to be you.
I donât know where I will be in five or ten years as the future is never set in stone. I might still be an idol, an actor, an ambassador, a model, all at once, or none of them, perhaps a father already. And if Iâm neither, Iâm still a son, a grandson, a boyfriend or a husband.
But above all and always, I will be Yuno, and I will be Jaehyun.
And I want to be yours.Â
Always.
#Blue Fic rec#fic recs#i need therapy#I Need sleep#I can never be an idol#Especially being a woman#I left carbon footprints somewhere out there I will never speak of it ever again
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Life rant: School sucks. I have to wake up at 7am for 10am or 11am classes to do my morning routine and commute. UGH. At least I only have to go out for school 3 days per week. But still đ€ Itâs cold af outside. Iâm usually tired already but feeling kinda more tired now. Classes seem boring even though Iâve only experienced one day of them lol. And I donât want to do hw and reading even if I only have 4 classes đ
On another note, the sleep routine q&a videos of the boys are so cute. Theyâre being released youngest to oldest. I only watched Jk, Tae, and Yoongiâs. Their response style is so different lol Jk explains a lot. And Yoongi doesnât. (I love that though. Itâs so him lol) These details were really cute. I got a lil sad over his shoulder. And he said he used to have a favorite blanket as a kid but itâs no longer in his familyâs home đ„čđ Yoongi said heâs eating chicken breast and konjac đ Itâs kinda surprising that it takes them a few hours to fall asleep. That sucks. Yoongiâs voice in this vid was hot af with the few times it got deeper omg.
-đ€
i feel you babes, all this uni application and portfolio bs is taking its toll on me and i just đ§ââïž feel like moments away from pulling my hair out because iâm slowly losing motivation to do anything at all and just waking up is tiring enough
if its any help iâm writing a comfort fic at the moment so hopefully it can heal the both of us because i just need something soft in my life so iâm not feeling like absolute ass all the time
theyâre just like me đ it takes me hours to fall asleep, itâs good for when i want to envision a whole self produced drama in my head but when i need to sleep fast itâs annoying
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yes omg those are the fights i saw!! ppl were getting so mad abt san apparently begging for attention...? but he was just dancing đ i had no idea what was going on but i was scrolling thru the drama like the morning paper that day
also omg u and ur gf sound so cute :((((((((( the problem is i can't do that with my irls bc most of them are too mentally and emotionally healthy so they just don't understand hyperfixating on something and i'm like,, ok be boring ig
i also love cooking shows, i remember i spent my entire senior year of high school watching british bake off and food network in class,, there's some crack in those shows or something i swear
also random question but,, what is ur favorite 1d friendship and why is it zouis? jk there's no right answer but also,,
zouis ZOUIS z o u i s Z o U i S but ur fave friendship can be any of them đ„°!
people are always on san for that because they have nothing else to drag ateez for HSJSJ theyâre genuinely so good đ© love my boys a whole lot but yeah kpop drama is so funny to read i scroll through all the fandoms fights and itâs so entertaining lmao
hehe youâre always welcome to ramble at me!! after this we can be fixation rant buds <333 iâm lucky that most of my friends are the same as me shsjdj but my mum definitely suffers with me going off all the time lmao! and yessss cooking shows are the best, i used to be obsessed w all the american ones like barefoot contessa and cake boss bc it was so wild to see, and shows like diners drive ins and dives and man vs food !!! those were so fun to watch as a brit bc we just do not do food like that lmao
ZOUIS ALWAYSSSS genuinely i love them so much and i miss them đ like it actually hurts sometimes i canât watch old vids anymore lmao, my fics will always have zouis besties zouis platonic soulmates bc itâs healing and i canât let them go
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4.05 Tinder Box
In which I make 6 references- 5 numbered and then Wizards of Waverly Place- a few jokes, and a prediction that I think is SPOT ON. Join me on this reactionary journey (in chronological order).Â
Abby, Jackson is relaying the science info for the audience, not you. I know that you know, but we, the audience, do not. give him a break.
Oh, the Mt. Weather parallels. BUT Abby checks herself. To all the haters: this means Abby is good. Sheâs NOT doing what was done in Mt. Weather. Dr. Tsing is a foil; they are fundamentally different.
I too hate molecular biology
At least Helios is a good horse and stays with Octavia when she falls. Unlike that dog vid. (reference 1 here if you donât immediately get this)
Hey itâs Niylah! Not on the show in the way I predicted (Octavia going to her) but sheâs still playing the healing role so Iâm proud I pulled that out of thin air.
Oh no Ilian I donât trust you yet because you hate tech but thanks for saving O.
Millerâs dad is ranking officer. Yeahhhh boyyyy. So many speaking lines, such as:Â âthe radiationâs our enemy, not the ice nationâ awwwww so proud of you.
Clarkeâs poker face about all things Bellamy needs some work.
Her come the prisoners. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. its Kane and Bellamy. THE MOMENT CLARKEâS BEEN WAITING FOR. (reference 2, keep playing!)
[I had to watch commercials on this rewatch and why are there commercials for books? You donât want to cast your character so itâs just a bunch of moving dark figures over an abstract background. Pointless. Plus this Riverdale show looks unrealistic.] I learned how to use line breaks and they please me.
Riley stop it. Only like 4 more episodes until your likely death.
âThey knew you were comingâ- Bell so hopeful. This is lovely. But I would have preferred a little more anguish and suspense before he and Kane know sheâs alive. Some good acting and character development could have come from that instead of them finding out the next day.
Octavia knows sheâs not lucky Ilian brought her in. Who didnât question his taking all these explosives? Where is everyone?
Raven and Abby love and concern <3 they are the best. Hand holding throughout their scenes this week. I dig it.Â
I thought we all knew Raven had the upgrade and thus still has ALIE in her head? Jackson and Abby are just figuring this out, fine, but I knew. The people I watched with did not? They just thought Raven was really smart? When did I learn this lilâ bit of information?
Abs we gotta go back to space! Ravenâs looking at the gas lines and floor map to figure out thereâs a rocket ship! She didnât know where it was, but she knew what to tell the computer to do. PURE JOY! I AM SO HAPPY RAVEN FOUND A SHIP. This seem dangerous too thoughâŠ
[Commercials are only acceptable in the actual air time. OMG THERE WAS A REALLY CUTE SHELTER DOG COMMERCIAL I TAKE IT ALL BACK cwgood.com if you want to see it. Omg no I had to watch 6 commercials wtf]
Riley you suck. I want to feel nothing at your death in 4-5 episodes.
P sure Costa was just on the island with doctor tech squad? They have to be more careful about where their quaternary-and-beyond(!) characters are.
Clarke is the only one who Roan listens to. Their cave scene was v good. Donât brag about your lack of heart about your mom to someone who literally had the worst mom. Clarke, your mother cares about you. Roanâs mom used him as a tool in her ploy for power. Telling him that you care about your people more than your mom brings up some ethical values questions. Sacrificing one to save the many seems like a fine moral argument. But when you put faces onto those people things change: A ton of strangers vs your mom? That makes the decision harder. One stranger vs your fam and closest friends? That seems like an easy decision. I donât know if it makes you a better or worse person for being willing to sacrifice your mother, but itâs definitely not an argument I would want to make. Especially with Roan. He let Lexa spear his mom. I cheered at that scene- it was badass. It was also clear she was a villain. And a completely different relationship dynamic. Clarke could use some advice from Selena Gomez and the Wizards of Waverly Place Theme, âyou might run into trouble if you go to extremes because everything is not what it seems.â  You know, with the whole list thing and promising Roan safety in the Ark and taking Jahaâs advice. S3 Clarke could have used the line âbe careful not to mess with the balance of thingsâ when she was trying to change grounder culture. Season 4: âThe end will no doubt justify the meansâ or, alternatively, âThatâs what I saidâ in which Jasper goes around making thatâs what she said jokes but about himself.  This didnât directly relate to what I was talking about. My head just went there.
âRiley shouldnât be hereâ Good Bell! AH-chers (Kane).I donât understand why they all have to have American accents? Like let Ianâs lovely accent out. Let Bobâs vocal cords rest. A bunch of accents would have been initially present on the Ark because it was an international force. If English became the dominant language, fine. Itâs an American show I donât care enough to argue that point. One language across the stations is understandably necessary. BUT. Accents donât disappear. I grew up with this guy whose parents are both English- a lawyer (now head judge, whaddup) and a professor. Theyâre all super cool. His sister taught me how to pop-lock-and DROP it on a mission trip and went to Oxford. Anyways, both kids have accents because their English parents taught them how to speak. I donât know for sure if by high school this guy could turn his accent on and off, depending on the social setting, but he may have left it on for maaayyyybbeeeee pretentious reasons. Heâs not pretentious, but heâs charming af and flatters my grandma at the Christmas Eve service and like. Heâs a little posh. A kind, good person, and probs not posh in England, but heâs posh here. The point is Iâm not an expert and donât know. HOWEVER. It is possible that he canât turn his accent off and Iâm being a dick because Iâm relating his ability of turning on/off his accent to my ability to turn on/off a southern accent. The difference is that I was not raised by parents who have the southern accent- I just took one on because I rode a redneck bus and was trying to assimilate. The moral of the story is this: accents, even over 100 years, would not have homogenized to the point that Ian and Bob and Eliza and Ricky and Alycia and everyone else have to lose their accents. Itâs a skill but if we follow the English guy I grew up with not losing his accent despite being around other people (and not me singing ZBBâs Chicken Fried with my friends) logic, the different accents should still be there. But then that creates issues for the show runners of having to determine which countries has people in space. There were flags at the Unity Day ceremony, and Iâm pretty sure I remember there being an Indian flag, so where are they? Put Dev Patel on the show. Jk heâs too good they could never get him. How did they even get Ian? Iâm happy heâs here though. Isaiah canât get larger roles because no one likes him. I may be projecting, but I also feel like Shonda Rhimes burned that boy.
Bellamy (and a reluctant Echo) to save the day. I hope by the end of the season 1) Echo is still alive, and 2) theyâve forged some sort of trust. Theyâve had a cool bond since Bellamy saves Echo from the cagesâą in Mt. Weather. Then Echo âsavesâ Bellamy from the Azgeda assassin who blows up Mt. Weather by tricking him into going to polis. Sheâs like I saved you, dude. And heâs like no, you lied to me and made it possible for a bunch of my friends to die. Then sheâs like hey, be my friend, Iâve had sooo many chances to kill you and still havenât, thatâs friendship right? Bellamyâs like. No. I donât trust you. Boom. Echo captures (? She brings them into the throne room, idk if she captures them herself) Bell and Stevens (rip, tattletale) and could have killed them both. She doesnât kill Bellamyyyyyyy⊠Then this scene with Riley. Thereâs obviously trust issues on both sides- She doesnât remove Bellâs chains. âso much for building trustâ Bell. Sheâs worried her king is going to be shot. This is not the moment to scold her But I think she still wants to be friends. It must be rough to be such a badass spy and not to have just one friend. Bell seems to be the Chosen Oneâą and I hope they can work out their differences. Post Riley they share a secret, so theyâre working on itttttttttt.
[I had to reload the page and Iâve now watched 8 commercials. The girl at the booth next to me is talking about her authentic (highly not-authentic) Irish pub experience and all the musicians playing their âbanjos and fiddles.â Shut the fuck up. The page timed out again. Enough. I have to watch another 6 commercialssss. Iâm tired of this proactive commercial, but at least the CW knows their target audience #annoyed]
SHA-BoO0M GOES THE ARK. Well that bad deal Clarke just made is over. She may have promised Azgeda protection from radiation, but what about Trikru? Youâre going to help Roan and not Indra? Not a fan of that deal. Glad it went up in smoke. Da dunn tsssshhhhhh. Puns are fun. (reference 3, same as 2). I now know why the episode is Tinder Box. It all makes sense.
Bellamy and Octavia reunited. Another shot of the shoulder tat. Clarke and the Blakes holding hands (well Bellâs holding O and Clarkeâs holding her hand. Poor Kane has no one to hold. Whereâs awk bff David Miller? Hold him. The Blakes could at least invite him over.
Back at Doctor Tech Squad- Raven has a stroke! Possibly fatal, who can say? Ravenâs just excited to go to space, and Iâm happy for her. Abby also at risk, but doesnât want to be tested until sheâs showing more symptoms than those she already has from being sleep deprived. This is pretty normal for people whose parents get diagnosed with genetic diseases. Some people want to know, but not knowing can give you hope for things that canât be cured. Abby wants to focus on helping adorable Raven save the whole world. But. Hey, how ya doing, well Iâm doing just fine, I lied, Iâm dying inside my brain and starting to have hallucinations of my daughter dying from radiation. (reference 4. I couldnât find the one I wanted but imagine a vine of that over this) So now weâre worried about Raven and Abby. Will Abby tell Jackson? My thoughts- No. sheâll try to hide it as long as she can, working on a cure for Raven, then help herself. Yet I donât see either of them dying? Raven is too important plot-wise and the writers and viewers lovelovelove the character. My argument for Abby living is more of a personal one and then behind the scenes of Paige Turco being a parent whoâs very forward with her scheduling (why she doesnât typically do up fronts etc so she can have separate work and son time) and probs has her contract locked down.
Not my fave episode, lots of callbacks to earlier seasons, but generally not super satisfying plot. Mainly because 4.04 set up these storylines- Octavia on her way back, Doctor Tech Squad reaching the lab, Bellamy and Kane as prisoners. The Polis/ Arkadia plotlines fell short somehow of their build. There were conflicts, but it lacked drama? If that makes sense.. I enjoyed the lab plot because all Raven x Abby interactions have great energy, not to mention they found a rocket. That story still feels like itâs still advancing and keeping the drama up. Props to Miller Sr. for getting more speaking lines in one episode than he did in the entirety of S3.
OMG- A THOUGHT-
what if. they send. Thelonious frickin Jaha. into space instead of Raven?
Stay with me here: Raven could have a seizure which is a risk. Jaha was an engineer and is capable- theyâve been slowly using that in the story and I was wondering when it would actually become plot relevant. BTS: Isaiah Washington finished filming his stuff before everyone else. I doubt heâs dead, but if all his stuff is him by himself/ him video chatting in from the ship, this explains how he could have wrapped up so quickly without dying. Additionally, he needs a big redemption for people to like him again after the CoL. Holy cow I think Iâm on to something here! He and Kane S1 were rivals both trying to become martyrs/ find salvation. Thelonious wins, Marcus goes to Earth. But then Jaha makes it to Earth too because he knows how to run a pod. I am heartbroken for Raven, itâs really going to suck getting benched if Iâm right. More so when I know Abby and Jackson are probably going to be the ones to tell her and theyâll get so much hate. But Raven and Abby can coach Jaha through some of the medical/ technical stuff (a la Apollo 13-reference 5- and Lieutenant Dan. I donât remember the dudeâs name in that movie- the actor is Gary something p. sure, but heâs in Forrest Gump with T.Hanks too so I donât feel that bad. He also got benched for a medical issue (back to Apollo 13) that he didnât get so this tangent was not a waste. He was needed to problem solve and figure out how to save the men on Apollo 13. Raven could parallel this.) and still be a team, which I like. I just want Raven to be happy, she deserves that. I donât want Jaha to have a lot of glory for doing this either. If it was Raven hell yes. But for him itâs the least he can do. Thatâs wrong of me, but their histories are incredibly different.Â
#i didn't proofread this#that seemed like a lot of work#and I just exploded so#4.05#the 100#meta#Tinder Box#just my thoughts#S3
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I hope youâre doing well Bunny & know that you create such a safe environment for us here to express our thoughts freely & positively đ„° you are super appreciated & I love reading all your posts. Also for those who want it đđ you can find the JK p**nhub vid if you search âbts bangtan boys fucking femaleâ it has a watermark that says âhealingâ over top. Lmk if yâall still canât find it after that & Iâll drop a dm
Thank you đ„° this is so lovely đ„șđ.
I feel so welcome and relaxed here, all the messages from you lovely anons are so kind đ„ș.
Oooh thank you!!! I canât access ph from where I am now so will have to wait a few days or weeks đ. I googled it though and can see itâs the first one to come up, so seems easy enough to find đ. Thank you so much!!!
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