#jimin in beret | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

onlyswan · 1 year ago

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summary: in which leaving the past behind is not as easy as forgetting, and you want to be everything jungkook wants to know.

idol!jungkook x f!reader, est. relationship / angst, fluff / wc: 7.9k

playlist: strange by celeste / sinking by clairo / manta rays by chloe moriondo / ceilings by beabadoobee / iris (cover) by phoebe bridgers & maggie rogers

content/warnings: [deep breath] no one will know the violence it took to become this gentle / it’s their first winter as a couple / oc’s ex bf slaps oc / jk beats up the ex / blood and bruises / crying :( / mention of cheating (not in our main’s rs we don’t tolerate that in this household :]) / mention of s*x / jimin as both their older brother and friend :(

in which masterlist!

note: greeting 2024 with angst woopsie… i literally ugly sobbed writing a particular scene T_T… anwww i hope it’s a good read <3 as always reblogs and feedback are appreciated! i’d love to hear your thoughtsss 🥺

—

the word VICTORY flashes across the screen.

with a proud smirk adorning his lips, jungkook pushes down his headphones to hang around his neck.

he rises from his seat, resting his crossed arms over the partition dividing the computer that you’re renting from his.

“hi, baby. are you almost done?”

he chuckles to himself when he realizes that you didn’t hear him, not with the music blasting from your headphones. you direct your attention upwards when endless song by no reply is abruptly put on pause; the cushions of the headphones are pressed up against your cheek by your boyfriend’s doing.

“what?”

“hi, baby. are you almost done?”

“oh, yes…” your focus returns to the screen, fast fingers dancing along the keyboard without an ounce of hesitation weighing on them. “i just… need to… send the file to my email.”

jungkook blinks at the long rows of words you’re masterfully curating, thinking to himself — how the hell do you think and type that fast at the same time?

it was his suggestion to stay at a pc bang tonight so you could be together while you each do your own thing. he spent his half of his day-off playing games, and during that time, you worked on your research paper and finished an essay that isn’t even due for another week. you took a break every hour, munched on some snacks, and cheered him on while he was diligently playing. perhaps he could’ve done something more productive today, but it couldn’t have made him happier.

he holds out the last slice of gimbap in between chopsticks, lightly poking your lips, and his heart flutters when you offer him a sweet smile after welcoming the big bite with some difficulty, cheeks full and nose scrunched.

“is there anything else you want to eat?”

you shake your head, and unable to speak while chewing, you gesture for water as if you’re playing charades.

a kiss is granted to your forehead.

when he comes back with a bottled water, all your tabs have been closed and you’re wearing your white beret again, re-organizing your belongings in your backpack.

“ready to leave?” he inquires as he hands your order.

you hum as a reply, standing from your seat as you swing the backpack over your head to wear it with little to no effort.

jungkook thinks you’re so cool.

you visit the restroom as he settles the bill. when you come out, he’s already pulling out a credit card from his wallet. you decide to head straight for the door then, wait for him outside as the air inside the room has started to feel a little too stuffy after you stepped away from the computer.

you’ve always thought about it— how time stands still when you experience something traumatic, how that moment feels stretched for eternity… how utterly barbaric that is. you’re forced to memorize frames of the origin of your scars, relive it over and over again, eyes closed and open. moments of happiness, on the other hand, are fleeting. they are sand slipping through the gaps of your fingers. getting out of bed is scooping them in your hands and praying that they will hold on to you in the following rotations and revolutions of the earth. they never do.

there he stood at the bottom of the stairs, just as horrified as you.

his face is the last thing you want to see on a winter night.

because you still recall the amalgamation of emotions in his eyes two winters ago. his skin was flushed from the cold, but he turned redder with anger and your stomach coiled in shame.

“juwon?”

the name felt odd in your mouth. it’s like when you eat a food you haven’t had in a long time, and it doesn’t quite taste like you remember it.

and to be honest, you didn’t know what you expected to happen when he carried on to climb the remaining steps that led to you. but it definitely wasn’t… this.

the first hand to carress your bare body, as if it was in disbelief of its existence, and the rings you used to blindly adore— they collide with your cheek with a sound that resonates in your eardrums.

the slap thins out into a ringing noise.

“are you insane?!”

it continues to assault your hearing even as you scream and hit him back.

it ends when someone bumps against your shoulder in a haste, and the next thing you register is juwon lying on the ground with jungkook sitting on top him, balled fist throwing unforgiving punches at your ex-boyfriend’s face. juwon is held hostage by the shock and is unable to reciprocate jungkook’s aggression. he attempts to fight back but your boyfriend dodges easily.

“jungkook! stop, stop, stop!”

you run down the stairs with panic thundering in your chest, nearly in tears as you forcefully grasp at the back of jungkook’s coat to pull him away, but with his strength and the adrenaline flowing through his veins, your efforts prove to be fruitless.

“you fucking bastard! i’m gonna kill you!”

“that’s enough-” you cry out. “please!”

“how dare you lay a hand on my girlfriend like that, huh?!”

he is furious, gripping the collar of juwon’s sweater and slamming him to the ground.

“your girl?” coughing, juwon faces the side to spit out the blood in his mouth, which then shapes into an arrogant smirk. “didn’t you know? ____ was mine first. i was the first!”

the next punch he receives cuts his lower lip open, and a stronger metallic taste assaults his tongue.

“jungkook!”

before jungkook could inflinct more permanent damage, you resort to holding back his arm with both of your hands.

your gazes connect, and your heart drops to your stomach. he is seething with anger. your blood runs cold and a thick haze clouds your thinking. you can’t move your limbs. what do you do? what do you do? what do you do?

“____, let go. i’m not fucking finished with him.”

“please,” you beg, ignorant of the tears that have begun to slide down your cheeks. “that’s enough. look at him!”

“and why should i care?” he spits out as he shrugs you off.

“ah, jungkook! i said that’s enough! why won’t you listen to me?!”

your desperate tantrum falls on deaf ears. you squeeze your eyes shut when he re-assumes his stance, tucks his thumb over his folded fingers, exactly what he taught you about making a proper fist to avoid injuring one’s self when boxing.

“stop it! you’re scaring me!”

that throws a bucket of ice over jungkook’s head. the anger in his eyes is replaced by vacancy, and with that, juwon seizes the opportunity to finally strike him with a jab and escape from underneath him. jungkook finds himself pushed aside on the ground with a throbbing cheek, mostly likely to be noticeably bruised in the next hours.

“love-” you gasp, and you rush over to him but your path gets rudely obstructed by your ex.

“is this the guy you cheated on me with?”

he is extremely near that you can feel him panting on your face. two years later, your stomach coils in disgust. your glare is venomous, and if only looks could kill, if only looks could kill…

“just leave, won’t you? what’s the point of all this?” you roughly push him away with your remaining shred of energy, driven by exhaustion and frustration. “it was so long ago! get a fucking grip!”

he huffs in disbelief as he wipes the blood from the corner of his mouth. it also drips from his nose and eyebrow. strange enough, you do not feel guilt nor compassion for this man. not anymore.

“are you seriously crying just because he got punched one time…? isn’t that a little unfair? you loved me too. once.” he snickers, but he is visibly pissed off. he can no longer look at you in the eye. “shit, is he that much of a better fuck than me?”

your skin crawls. bile creeps up your throat. technically speaking, this is the consequence of your own actions, but you can’t help but to be resentful.

“you are…” your voice trembles, but your glare remains unwavering. “still as despicable and shallow as ever… and i don’t regret what i did.”

and it may have been a long time ago, but you still know how to hit him where it hurts the most— his ego.

you purposely bump against his shoulder as you make your way to jungkook, leaving him speechless as he stares at the ground. the night the two of you broke up, you were crying and begging him for forgiveness… what the fuck happened?

“let’s go home.” you demand quietly while refusing to meet jungkook’s stare— a mix of confusion, offense, and rage.

but the thing about juwon? he always needs to have the last word.

“you better keep a close eye. you might think you know ____, but whores never change. especially those who became one so young.”

“dude, how are you still speaking?!”

it’s too late when you realize that jungkook has left your side. he swings at juwon’s face with a force that sends the man stumbling backwards. he completely loses balance then collapses on the ground with a curse that almost misses your ears.

“don’t ever go near ____ again! don’t even think of it! if you show your face to me again, i might really end up fucking killing you. you hear me?!”

—

jungkook doesn’t recall a time when he felt a rage this intense and consuming. witnessing you get slapped, his vision went dark and he was shaking with fury. everything was a blur after that, but he knew one thing: this man violated the most precious person to him, and he won’t allow him to get away with that unscathed.

and that must be why he feels restless until now. neither one of you has dared to utter a word for the past couple of minutes. he can’t see your face as you’re walking ahead of him, leading the way with his wrist in your cold hand. however, he can hear your sniffles, and he can see you wiping your tears dry with the back of your hand. he thought he has experienced heartbreak, but this pain cuts deeper than anything he has ever felt.

“baby, let’s go back.”

he breaks the silence, standing infront of you to stop you on your tracks. he almost reeks of desperation as he intertwines your fingers together.

“please? there should be a cctv camera infront. we can sue him.”

“are you even hearing yourself? you’ll also get into trouble!”

his insistence only fuels the urge to cry and scream and break things. it’s an understatement to say that you’re ashamed. it was foolish of you, really, to assume that leaving the past behind would be as easy as forgetting. it may be out of sight but it is everywhere, and it sneaks up on you without tell and mercy.

“you attacked him out of nowhere! he can sue you for that too!”

“out of nowhere?” he repeats your words slowly, hurt flashing across his face. “i was protecting you, ____! who knows what else he could’ve done? and the shit he was talking about you? was i just supposed to stand there and do nothing?”

“and i’m protecting you too! why did you even have to punch him again?! he was obviously just trying to provoke you! god, i-” you release the air in your lungs you didn’t realize you’ve been holding. “thank god he didn’t see your face.”

that struck a nerve for some reason. he harshly rips off the mask that has been concealing half of his face all along.

“he hit you! look- fuck, you’re bleeding-”

oh, his rings must’ve grazed you.

jungkook brings out a clean white handkerchief from the backpocket of his pants, pressing it softly against your cheek. the sharp sting forces you to grit your teeth. it’s not only the wound… your skin is still warm and tender from the assault. you’re terrified to look at the mirror. you don’t want to feel sorry for yourself.

“and that’s what you’re really worried about right now?”

“okay, then i’m sorry for caring about my boyfriend and his career! i’m sorry, okay?!“

he dies a little inside when you harshly push his hand aside.

so this is what it feels like to be at the other end of your anger… shitty. it feels really shitty. after what happened, there is no sadness or fear. the twinkle in your eyes have been replaced with sharp daggers and it is gutwrenching to watch. it clicks for him then: you weren’t scared of him. you were scared for him.

he doesn’t allow you to go further than ten feet away. he seizes your arm before sneaking his hand on your waist to tug you closer to his body.

“you think i’m letting you out of my sight again? it’s not happening!”

you click your tongue in exasperation, left with no choice but to admit defeat as he hails the approaching taxi. you cover your face to hide from the blinding headlights.

ever the gentleman, jungkook opens the door for you.

“get in, ____.”

and the first thought that enters your mind: the air freshener is nauseating. it has to be something mixed with lemon.

you roll the window down as your boyfriend dictates the address of your destination to the taxi driver. not yours, but his. you send him an unimpressed scowl, but he only looks back at you challengingly under the warm dim light. the soft cloth is placed over your wound again, rudely snatched as you turn away from him. you hold it on your own as you watch the world outside the window, streetlamps with blurry light streaks and homes you will never set foot into. in the midst of your musing, you register the weight on your head, or its lack thereof. your beret landed on the ground in the aftermath of the first strike. what is there left to lose?

you thought you could be happy at last, but beside you is another soul you’ve stained with your bloody hands.

juwon was right, you never change.

—

“i still don’t think it’s right that i know the password.” you whisper as you push the door open.

“but i have a key to your house. what’s the difference?”

“i don’t know…” you begin removing your boots, carefully placing each one in the middle level of the shoe rack. “you live with six other people.”

“namjoon-hyung and yoongi-hyung are in their studios. the others went home.”

you enter the living room with jungkook hugging you from behind. his cheek rests on top of your shoulder, and he doesn’t want to let you go. the ride here was suffocating. he thought you wouldn’t talk to him for the rest of the night anymore.

you blink at jimin who is sprawled out on the sofa, a gray blanket that matches his sweatpants is covering his naked torso.

“why does he sleep here? doesn’t he have a bed?”

“the sofa is more comfortable.” he mumbles loud enough for you to hear as he opens his eyes halfway, but then he gives up and closes them again, curling in on himself to resume his slumber.

“okay… now i know what to get you for your birthday.”

for a brief second jungkook assumes that you’re joking, but you sounded way too nonchalant.

“a sofa?”

“a new mattress,” you blankly stare back at him, before proceeding to break free from his embrace to search for the bathroom.

he follows you like a lost puppy, whining. “why does he already have a birthday gift and i don’t?!”

“quiet!”

he winces. “sorry, hyung!”

—

you’re perched in the space between jungkook’s thighs, legs swung over one of them as he tenderly presses a cold compress against your left cheek. you’ve changed into the pair of pink cooky pajamas he wore a few times and has kept in his closet specially for you. sinking into his mattress, drowsiness has also begun to seep into the depths of your bones. it’s been an arduous week, and you’re exhausted of fighting in every sense of the word.

“he deserves more than what he got away with.” he mutters through gritted teeth.

“jungkook, enough.” you chide at him with a sigh. “let’s just forget about this.”

“your face is going to be bruised for atleast a week! how am i supposed to ‘just forget’? are you hearing yourself?”

your rhetoric question from earlier comes back to gnaw at your thread-like sanity. you feel backed into a corner. you can’t think of a solution that will put this issue at rest, much less make either one of you feel better.

“he’s not worth it.”

“you are to me.” he declares.

it’s impossible to argue with that. you want it to stay true. you want him to keep believing in you.

“i’m tired.” you whisper, removing yourself from his lap. “let’s go to sleep.”

he gazes at you with longing.

you are lying on his bed but you have never felt so far away.

“are we really not going to talk about this?”

“not now. i’m tired, jungkook.”

“baby…”

“juwon is a terrible person, but i had it coming…” you mumble. “that’s all there is to it.”

foreboding silence falls upon the bedroom. you can’t bring yourself to look at jungkook, so you close your eyes and pray that when the sun rises, this night will simply turn out to be a nightmare orchestrated by your wicked mind.

“whatever that is, it doesn’t warrant what he did.” he plants a gentle kiss on your forehead, and it takes everything in you not to fall apart into a thousand shards. “and i’m sorry that i couldn’t stop it from happening.”

—

jungkook returns after his shower, not yet done with drying his dripping hair with a towel. you’ve drifted off to sleep in the time that he was gone, lips slightly parted open as you breathe out puffs of air in a steady rhythm. your hair is a halo and you’re an angel snoozing on a cloud.

he heard it loud and clear, and you haven’t denied it either, but there’s not a part of him that believes it. is he blindly in love with you? is this what he was warning him about? are you not an angel, but a siren?

wary of waking you up, he attaches a bandaid to your cheek. he flicks the lightswitch but he turns on the night lamp so you won’t have to manuever the dark incase you wake up in the middle of the night in need of the bathroom.

shit, shit, shit. he curses in his head when you begin shuffling as soon as he settles himself on the bed, but it’s just you unknowingly seeking for warmth in your sleep. he gathers you in his arms and your pillow is abandoned in favor of his naked chest. it always feels fitting, like his heart is the stuffed toy that you can’t go without at night.

he swallows the lump in his throat, brushing your hair away from your face to gently caress your soft skin. you look so serene. but your ex’s fingers can be traced on the red bruise that has tainted your cheek and his jaw clenches, hand momentarily balling into a fist to release the leftover anger still boiling in his blood. everyday, you feel the need to act tough because of people like him, and you are… but deep down, he knows, that you just crave to be loved.

“you loved me too. once.”

however, that has lost its meaning when juwon didn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved.

and jungkook admits it’s not as easy for him to do in a whole different dimension. he leads a kind of life not everyone survives, but that never stopped him for trying his damn hardest.

—

you’re awoken in the middle of the night by jungkook’s forehead accidentally knocking against yours. his snoring doesn’t cease, however, and you had to remind yourself that this is the same boy who continued sleeping despite rolling off his inflated sleeping bag on camera.

you slowly sit up as you rub the sleep from your eyes. you spend an unknown amount of time spaced out, barely blinking. afterwards, you force yourself to leave the comfort of the bed, taking the cold compress along with you. you drain the melted ice over the kitchen sink before opening the refrigerator to refill it with ice cubes. you can’t help but to allow your eyes to wander around, which then leads you to contemplate on whether to cook ramen or not… but then again, it’s already 3am and most likely, you won’t be able to sleep again if you do.

“yah! why are doing just standing there?”

the deep voice echoes throughout the kitchen. you yelp in shock, nearly dropping the ice bag as you tap on your pounding chest.

“i told you to stop doing that!”

jimin bursts into a fit of too delighted giggles, hunched over the kitchen counter as he places a hand over his belly. he’s fully clothed this time, fresh from the shower, judging from his hair.

“it’s not funny!” you whine. “one of these days i might be holding a knife when you do that!”

“ey, what would you be holding a knife for? jungkook never lets you lift a finger while you’re here.”

that’s just because he knows you’re not very talented in the kitchen.

the wide smile on his face then fades, expression morphing into one of concern as he studies your face bathed by the refrigerator light.

“what happened to your face?”

fuck, you’ve completely forgotten about that.

“it’s a long story.” you sigh, closing the refrigerator.

“it’s alright. i have all the time in the world to listen.”

“you know that i really appreciate that and i’m grateful but…” your smile borders on a wince. “no, you don’t. get some more sleep, please.”

your unexpected response causes jimin to scratch his head shyly. the two of you stare at each other for a few seconds before laughing at the same time.

“oh, that’s right!” you pause on your tracks when an essential item pops in your mind. “do you have healing ointment? for cuts and bruises and stuff?”

“it’s for jungkook,” you add.

“doesn’t he have that?”

“it’s not here,”

your sweet smile tells jimin everything he needs to know.

“ah, that kid really comes home to different houses now. he’s all grown up.”

“…and how many exactly?” you arch an eyebrow.

he purses his lips together, jokingly pretending to think hard. “the dorm… and then his family… then there’s you?”

“anywhere else?”

“nope!”

“sooo, do you have it or not?”

“i’ll go downstairs and buy it right now.”

he offers you a kind smile and pats on the head. a protest dies down in your throat as he goes straight for the front door.

“thank you!”

“you’re welcome!”

—

despite your active efforts to avoid making any sort of noise, the door produces a small ‘click’ as you cautiously close it behind you. you discover that jungkook has flipped over to face your side, his arm outstretched as if he was reaching out for you. you almost feel bad for leaving him alone in bed, so you sit next to him, positioned on the lower half of the bed since he took up your space.

a short snore escapes him, one that rises then falls so abruptly, like a note on the piano pressed on accident. you cover your mouth to muffle your giggle.

how adorable. you have grown to tolerate, and even adore, his snoring.

stolen kisses on his bruised knuckles, tiny and featherlight, apologetic most of all. their bad condition brought upon by boxing worsened when he used his dominant hand bare, knuckles of his two longest fingers ripped. it seems that he did the bare minimum by putting a stop to the bleeding then washing them clean, then nothing else. he didn’t even tell you, didn’t complain or show any sign that he was in pain.

you hold the cold compress over his bruises, switching between his cheek and knuckles, mindful of not touching the wounds as to not aggravate him in his sleep.

you’ve been stripped down bare— your pride and dignity dismantled into pieces that create a picture of you that you do not like… but could be the love and sincerity in your heart be enough to live by? even if no one is awake to witness it?

you’re saved from drowning in your thoughts by the front door being unlocked. for the second time, you tiptoe your way out of jungkook’s bedroom.

“this is for wounds, and then…” jimin returns the tube inside the paper bag to grab the other. “this one, for bruises.”

“thank you. i’ll pay you back.”

“yah!” jimin expands his eyes threateningly, which you mimic in challenge as you hug the paper bag to your chest. “i’m also your older brother, okay? i should do these things for you.”

you scrunch your nose, to express disagreement at first, but later on it only makes your smile appear brighter.

“doesn’t it hurt you to smile? please use them well too, ____. do you understand? that’s why i bought the biggest ones!”

it does hurt.

“thank you…” you reply shyly.

you’ve forgotten how it feels like to be taken care of by family.

—

“baby, where did you go?”

jungkook’s raspy voice is music to your ears.

he woke up a mere minute ago, caught in the middle of sitting up on the bed once it caught up to his sleep-muddled brain that you’re no longer beside him.

“nowhere,”

you sit at the edge of the bed without another word, putting his hands over your lap to apply the healing cream to his afflictions.

his eyelids flutter in sleepiness as he watches your every movement.

a small dollop at the pad of your finger, transferred over his torn knuckle and smeared with the lightest of touch. occasionally your finger pauses, unsure, calculating— the last thing it wants is to hurt him.

he kisses your lips— he feels suspended in time—hasn’t quite reconnected with reality and with his body. wide-eyed, you seem taken aback by the display of affection. his mouth then softly curves with fondness.

“i love you.”

“i love you, too.” you whisper timidly.

your actions have become hurried, but jungkook is far too drowsy to notice your discomfort.

for the final part, you rub the cream on the bruise on his cheek. you press a kiss on the corner of his lips. “all done. go back to sleep.”

“let’s go,”

he hooks his arm under your knees, eager to carry you over to your side of the bed, but he gets interrupted by your protest.

“wait, wait, wait- i need to pee first.”

“wha- hurry!” he complains with a peeved frown, which you fail to catch a glimpse of because he has squeezed you taut against his body. “i won’t be able to sleep without you here.”

—

eternally cursed with the ability to feel too much of everything.

you push your back against the bathroom door, breathing heavy and labored as you blindly pat around for its lock. the click serves as the cue for your salty tears to drip from the edges of your eyelashes, cascading down, down, down your chin. some of them crash on the collar of your pajama top, the rest on the white tiled floor. this room is a stranger to your shipwreck, but old habits die hard.

the intense pressure of the water collides with the porcelain sink. rain and thunder and the gusts of wind being your gasps for air. an isolated storm undetected in the city of seoul you’re forced to brave alone, on the floor, tucked into yourself to protect the beating sacredness inside your ribcage. the sobs claw their way up your throat rather than soaring like exhales do.

no one has ever raised their hand at you. not even your parents. not even when you broke your grandmother’s precious china, or lost their big paper bills to the wind, or cursed at them for embarrassing you infront of your friends.

you want to be mad and say that juwon deserved what he got. you want to say that you hope his nose is broken. but you don’t know how one is supposed to react when something like that happens. you don’t know if it justifies everything after that. if the roles were reversed and you slapped him, won’t no one bat an eye?

…and you know jungkook has questions you still haven’t figured out how to answer. you know he now has reasons to doubt you. you know in his eyes, you may now be a hypocrite and not the advocate he adored. these days, you don’t really want to be seen as anything less or more than who you are, but you so desperately wish to be someone he is proud to love.

you feel mocked for even daring to dream of it.

“i’m tired, i’m tired, i’m tired.”

incoherent mumbles further stirs the unbridled chaos.

“i’m so sick of this. why… why do bad things keep happening to me?”

you don’t expect an answer but you yearn for some sort of meaning. you don’t mind suffering but you wish it could only be to an extent where you don’t have to fear.

echoes of rumbles and thunder. you’re nearer the sky but farther from heaven.

—

it’s been more than a week. you’ve been waking up with a gaping hole in the middle of your torso. you climb out of bed, cover up your cheek with make-up, good as new, and go about your day as if nothing happened. life on its own is already too much of a burden for you.

jungkook checks up on you everyday, though, despite his busy schedule. mostly through the phone, and whenever he can, he goes straight to where you are after work to dote on you no matter the time. he kisses you on the cheek, claims himself to have healing properties, and says i love you. and during those periods of time you were together, he hasn’t said another word about the incident. and it has been driving you absolutely insane.

you glance down at him, sat on the floor with an ipad balanced on top of his propped up knees, wearing one of your anti-radiation glasses as he finds himself absorbed in drawing the view a foot away from him. you.

“why do you keep looking at me?” he scolds you lightheartedly. “go back to studying so we can go to sleep.”

“can’t help it,” you mumble as you reposition your pen over the paper. you’ve been reorganizing your notes the whole night for your upcoming tests, but your mind keeps flying everywhere else. “my boyfriend’s too pretty.”

“ah, it can’t be helped then. sorry about that.” he smirks cockily, pulling the dramatics by switching his eyes between you and his back. “should… should i turn around then?”

“did you box again?”

the accusation is spat out before you can think twice.

“oh, you did. your knuckles are all messed up again.”

he pouts, crossing his legs. “but baby, i have to train... i wrapped my hands properly!”

“still,” you sigh. “can’t you just let them heal for a little while?”

you turn to the cabinet on your other side to bring out the pouch of healing ointments you’re now suspecting he brought and didn’t accidentally leave behind.

you lay out your hand, and jungkook puts his on top of yours, dragging himself close.

you both smile when you see that he has laid his hands over your thighs like he’s getting a manicure. silly boy. you pull them closer by his fingers so you can reach his red knuckles.

“why are you trying so hard?”

your finger is stained with his blood. your voice is as gentle as your touches, and that’s why it hurts.

jungkook doesn’t know either. he’s been trying to extinguish his leftover anger and bitterness through work and boxing— suppressing the onslaught of negative thoughts threatening to poison what the two of you have. jungkook doesn’t want to know. he doesn’t want anything to change. right now, he can’t afford them to.

“there’s no one to fight.”

“turns out there is,” he argues.

he regrets it as soon as your hand trembles.

“it’s okay… to ask. we’re in a relationship. you’re entitled to know things like that.” your eyes are unafraid again, and it scares him, like you’re always prepared to let him go. “i won’t get offended, or anything like that. if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“i trust you,” he says simply. “so i don’t need to know. especially if talking about it makes you uncomfortable. it’s okay… we’re okay, baby.”

stillness washes over the room like a tide that swallows everything up, and for a moment jungkook is convinced that the two of you will never bring it up again.

but the words you utter next are a punch to the gut.

they almost sound like a plead.

“but i can’t live my life that way, jungkook.”

strands of your hair descend to your face, framing it perfectly, but your eyes become hidden from view. you rip a bandaid open and blanket it over his two knuckles, still wounded as before, if not worse.

“if you intend to be with me for a long time, then i need you to need to know…” because there will be things i’d want to tell you, but wouldn’t feel the need to.

“then tell me,” he replies, prompted by a renewed determination. “i don’t just intend to be with you for a long time. i want way more than that.”

—

jungkook fiddles with the hello kitty bandaid using his thumb, mind reeling and grappling to process the overload of information told by your storytelling voice. all of a sudden, he’s grateful that you decided to lie down on the bed for this conversation.

“juwon was your boyfriend before me, no?”

“no, no, no. he was…” your lips part as if you have something more left to say, but you eventually give up. “yup, no.”

“so you found out that he’s been cheating on you for-for two mo-”

“three-”

“three months, and you…” he blinks. “slept with a stranger and let him catch you?”

“i was really petty. i was seventeen after all… my pride couldn’t take it. my friends- they tried to stop me but… but all i could think of was how to make him feel the way i was feeling.” your voice sounds small, smaller as you squeeze yourself into his side and curl up to hide your face. “so i let him think i was the bad guy.”

he understands that you were vengeful, but he doesn’t know if you comprehend the scale of what you have done.

“he looked so sad and hurt that i started to feel guilty. i don’t know if i was still acting when i was apologizing to him.” you scoff with eyebrows knitted together. “i felt so dirty… i still feel like a bad person, you know?”

you took the face of juwon’s demons and he didn’t like what he saw.

“i had it coming,” — he now has a grasp of what you meant before.

“so how has he been doing this to me for such a long time? how does he stomach it? knowing what i was going through? that’s what i thought… it makes me so upset…”

jungkook doesn’t try to assess you as you speak. he only listens, until your voice cracks. his heart is split into two as tears flood your eyes, escaping past the corners and slipping down to soak the fabric of his t-shirt.

you sniffle. “and the sex wasn’t even that great. i regret it even more.”

he flinches, abruptly squeezing his eyes shut. not that great? okay… okay. the mental image of you being physically intimate with someone that isn’t him definitely doesn’t sicken him to his core. at all. nope, nope, nope.

“fuck, baby, please,” he groans as if he is in pain, putting an arm over his eyes. “hearing about you have sex with other guys is making me want to punch something again. fuck.”

“that’s what you took away from the story?”

“yes!” he exclaims with conviction. “we should’ve met a year earlier. i would’ve let you use me!”

you gasp, scandalized. “oh my god! jungkook!”

“argh-” he animatedly clutches at his chest that caught your fist.

“you’re crazy!”

“uhuh, about you.” he proudly replies, pulling you closer to his side, as if that was still possible.

the subtle upwards of the corners of your lips gives him a sense of relief. he tenderly cups your cheek, his thumb ghosting over the bruise that has turned a darker shade of blue and purple.

“listen to me, i- i’m not here to tell you what’s right or wrong. i’m not that type of person. but what i can do tell you is that this…” he briefly shakes his head. “didn’t change the way i see you at all. he hurt you. he cheated and you were hurt, ____.”

your eyes gleam with uncertainty, a fresh wave of tears threatening to escape. “are you sure?”

“of course i am. why wouldn’t i be sure?”

“because you’re crazy about me.”

the sweet innocence of your eyelashes fluttering elicits a chuckle from him. you’re so fucking cute.

“that’s the reason i’m sure.” he tilts up your chin to plant a kiss to your lips, mumbling. “i’ve never been wrong about anything i’m crazy about.”

“thank you,” you say quietly, melting into his embrace. you nuzzle your face against his chest, and at last, you grant your eyes rest. “i can finally sleep peacefully again.”

fuck, it’s been weighing on you this whole time and he didn’t know.

“i’m sorry i only dated assholes before you.”

“aish, why would you be sorry about such a thing?” he kisses the top of your head, gentleness contradicting his following sentence. “i’d crush each one of those assholes for you.”

and he’d beat himself up the worst if he ever becomes one of them.

you yawn, sniffling right after. “mhm, i bet you will.”

he carefully rolls over to the side so he can wrap both arms around you, and you keen in contentment.

“jungkook?”

“yes, baby?” he coos.

“i… really… love you so, so, so much. you are… the one person i’d die for before i hurt.”

goddammit, it’s an angel sleeping in his arms.

“that’s a relief to hear. you’re very smart and scary when you’re mad.”

“eh, jungkook! i swear i’ve grown up! i’m not like that anymore!”

“okay, okay!” he laughs at your childish whining and squirming as he ushers you back in his embrace. “i believe you! i trust you! i love you too!”

—

although you spend more nights together in your apartment for your safety and convenience, in all honesty, you like staying over at jungkook’s more. his smell evokes the sentiment of home, and when you stay long enough, it becomes a temporary part of you. you’re gradually more well-versed in the organized and unorganized corners of his room. you like that you know where he keeps the safety pins and you know to be careful when walking so you won’t trip over his dumbbells he leaves lying around. and it’s a little ridiculous but… you like that his mattress is on the floor and you don’t really know why.

your boyfriend is still blissfully asleep as you climb over him, landing on the floor without a sound like a veteran spy. however, you rush to step out of the room before the rumbling of your empty stomach could wake him up.

“yah, thief! what do you think you’re doing?!”

“fuck!” the pack of ramen hits the floor when your hands fly to your chest to clutch at your painfully pounding heart. “i swear to god, you’re going to kill me one day!”

and unsurprisingly, your chagrin is countered yet again with jimin’s all too pleased laughter.

“____, you look so suspicious! why are you using a flashlight? we have electricity! we can pay for it!”

“i don’t like it too bright, okay?” you grumble as you pick up your supposed midnight meal.

“let’s just turn on this one then.”

“uh-” the objection dies down in your throat when the light over the dining table was switched on.

“i’m hungry, too. grab two more packs of ramyeon, please.”

“who’s the other one for?”

jimin fills the pot with water from the sink while you pick up two more of the same pack from the pantry.

“just us. don’t you agree that one pack is too small for one person?”

“it’s just enough for me though?” you rip open the packs one by one to retrieve the packets of seasonings. “with your job, though, i’d definitely have a bigger appetite.”

“alright,” he pouts, pretending to be upset. “let’s have just two then.”

“no, no, no-” you chase his hand, tightly gripping the last pack that he stole. “let’s have three! let’s have three! i didn’t eat dinner!”

—

“my mom brought a lot of kimchi yesterday. there’s an entire box in the fridge. i’ll pack you some before you leave later.”

“put some more in,” you say cutely as you peer down at the pot of ramen beside jimin. “please?”

he chuckles, adhering to your request before handing the container to you.

“thank you!”

you hop on the counter infront of the stove, chewing on a mouthful of kimchi with a joy akin to a child receiving a sweet treat. leaving the ramen to cook for the next five minutes, jimin sits a few feet away.

“aigoo, are you that hungry?”

“this is so delicious!” you praise his mother’s cooking instead of answering the question. “i can really eat this on its own.”

“ey, don’t fill yourself up yet! we have a lot of ramyeon to eat!”

“sorry, sorry!”

your giggles fill the apartment with warmth during this freezing winter. jimin didn’t doubt it when jungkook said that you light up every room you enter, he just didn’t expect that he would also gain a friend.

“how’s your cheek?”

“as you can see,” you motion at your face. “yellow. soooo… uglier.”

“that means it’s healing well.”

“i know,” the apples of your cheek become plump as your lips curve. “it no longer hurts to smile.”

“that’s a relief to hear,” he returns your kind smile. “jungkook has been worried about you.”

that’s the end of what he can tell you. jungkook won’t be pleased if you learn that he cried when he talked about the horrible thing that happened to you.

“thank you,”

“huh? for what?”

“being jungkook’s happiness.”

from his peripheral vision, he perceives your surprise. however, he is too flustered to meet your eyes while he is speaking from the bottom of his heart.

“the past year was physically and mentally draining for the team. as you know, we… we were considering giving up and disbanding. and of course it’s hard on all of us, but i’m really, really worried about jungkook. but!”

he chuckles at the dramatic rise of his own voice.

“i’m less worried now that you’re in his life. and i’m not saying this to put pressure on you or anything! but you see, when he’s tired, he bounces back quickly because of you. he’s smiling more because of you. and i know it goes it also goes the other way around. mhmm… i-i guess what i’m saying is that i hope you can continue being each other’s strength? be each other’s cheerleader?”

you have begun to feel emotional as you listened to his sincere and heartwarming words, but you can’t help but to cackle at the fact that you just witnessed the park jimin say the word ‘cheerleader’ while daintily waving his hands around as they were holding pompoms. how awfully endearing.

“…or something like that.”

uncontrollable giggles vibrate his body, dramatically slipping down the counter and onto the tiled floor to enshroud himself in extreme sheepishness.

“ah, ____! this is driving me crazy! don’t laugh!”

“what are you doing lying on the floor?” you playfully scold him, recording with your phone in secret. “why do i suddenly feel like the older one?”

“what’s with the noise?”

you whip your head around, wide curious eyes greeted with a shirtless jungkook who is still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“is that ramyeon…? i want some too.”

jimin groans when he feels your foot poke him lightly.

“mister, can we add more? my googie is hungry too.”

—

“hyung, ____ told me something recently that really put a lot of things into perspective.”

and with that, jimin pours another bottle of beer in his and jungkook’s ice-filled mugs. “let me hear it.”

“if you intend to be with me for a long time, then i need you to need to know. at first i didn’t understand what it meant? then after we talked, something clicked for me. ahhh, i see it now. ____ didn’t want us to trust each other blindly… because that… that isn’t a good… foundation? for something that i want to last for a very long time. you, me, the members… don’t we all trust each other because we know that we’re good people to our core and we’re good at what we do? isn’t that why we have come this far, and why we keep going? besides army, of course!”

jimin blinks lazily, glossy eyes from the alcohol underneath it all. “that’s right. we wouldn’t have started this anyway… without that kind of trust. i don’t think it’s a connection you can just build with anyone too.”

“oh, that’s it. that’s right!”

“living together for a long time doesn’t guarantee it.”

“exactly.” jungkook nods repeatedly, probably too passionately, a guaranteed ticket for a hangover later on. “we talked about that last time too.”

“right? so we should protect it… maintain it… never lose sight of our purpose…”

the lack of words that follow does not equate to silence. glasses clink against each other and teeth rip bags of chips open and noodles are slurped. they’re overseas and they can’t go to a korean restaurant and grill their own meat. the hotel steak would take forever to arrive and quite frankly, they had it yesterday and it was not good. this is not exactly ideal, but it has its own charm.

jungkook takes another swig of the bittersweet alcohol, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand afterwards.

“____ has become an important part of my life that i would do anything to protect too. how do i say it…?” he exhales to relieve the heavy weight on his chest. “i feel like i gained more purpose in life, hyung… to be honest, i might have a harder time because of that. i know it but… i’m happy. seriously, i’m happy.”

—

taglist in the reblogs! send an ask/dm if you want to be added (or removed) :D

—

#jungkook #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook drabble #jungkook scenario #jungkook one shot #jungkook imagine #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfic #jungkook au #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #bts fluff #bts reaction #jungkook smut

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nikonladyz4 · 1 year ago

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JK and JM decision to enlist together.

⁠JK and JM felt it was in their best interest to serve together. This speaks to the bond they have, whatever their relationship is or is not. They both knew that tattoos could limit life choices for them, yet they still chose to ink themselves. During the live, it was Jimin who spoke about wanting to join the Special Forces. JK seemed to mumble something too. The unit they were speaking of is the ROK Special Forces unit that reports directly to the President similar to the US Army Green Berets or Navy Seals. Both JM and JK have the physical abilities, martial arts skills, MMA skills, etc to do this level of training. Tattoos ARE ALLOWED in this unit. The issue is it requires a 4 year commitment and serving potentially around the world. This unit is for a career soldier. The Unit V is enlisting with is Special Operations/Military Police. This unit only requires an 18 month commitment and yes, does not allow visible tattoos. Remember all members have tattoos.

Jimin and JK had to apply months ago for this companion program. It was a three stage process that took several months for approval. They most likely knew for years they were going to enlist together. Jungkook got his first tattoo in Sept 2019. All members had planned to enlist in the military in 2020, before COVID killed those plans. JK had to know when he got his very visible tattoo what the limitations were regarding the military, yet he chose to move forward. Even back then, he could not serve for 4 years. He and JM had most likely decided back then they were going to do the companion program. In 2019/2020, they were perceived to be much closer back during that time, than they are in 2022/2023. Yet, we now know how close they really were/are this year, in spite of limited public outings.

They both had the opportunity to apply to a multitude of units that would accept their tattoos, individually. However, they were limited in the units that accept the companion program. This should tell the naysayers that Jimin and Jungkook have a tight bond. They gave up other units that would have been a lot more comfortable and safer (locating land mines) if they had enlisted separately. We may never know the true reason for the joint enlistment, but obviously they are close friends who love and depend on each other. This has nothing to do with shipping, but simply the bond between them. They are looking out for each other verses meeting individual goals or challenges.

#bts jimin #bts jungkook #jikook #enlistment

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soraviie · 2 years ago

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you compare yourself to him 2.txt

━ type: bts x f! reader ━ navigation ━ part I here

━ about: angst atop of angst and some fluff

━ a/n: Bacchus here is a reference to a Korean energy drink in Yoongi's part. Jimin's part is my own favourite one :)

━ previously posted on soraviii

NAMJOON: The world is...beige. Since when? Blinking away the heavy grogginess, you reach to touch the material on your face before removing it. Looking around one might think you'd slept through the whole warfare as every surface is covered in clothes. Amidst the maelstrom like a blur in the wind is Namjoon, tossing everything he could find all around. You reach to hook a finger around a silver chain necklace inexplicably dangling on a bedside lamp. You remember this one. You'd gifted him this in Tartu on a whim of being overwhelmingly lovesick for his dimples.

"Are you fleeing the country?" you rasp, voice falling gruff from the disuse. It had been...hard to talk after the gallery. Or look at yourself in the mirror. Or leave the bed.

At the sound of your voice, Namjoon whips around, accidentally pulling along with him a lightbox. Dimly you watch it clatter on the ground.

"Baby! Hello! Did you sleep well?" he asks with an eagerness of a zealous labrador and you frown.

"Well enough. Have you gone mad? Perhaps?"

He laughs as though this simple remark was the finest joke in the land.

"No, I'm very focused and logical," he chirps and your frown deepens. No way his brain was not harmed somehow. This was...suspicious to say the least.

"Listen, I'm going to be on the TV today -"

"You always are," dryly you point out but then he crawls on the bed and practically sticks his face into yours, so close you go cross-eyed.

"Make sure you watch it, okay? It'll be a live. Starts at 3."

"Okay," flustered you comply and as his breath fans your face the suspicion surges. "How many energy drinks have you had?"

"Nine!"

Your eyes pop open but you can't do much about it as he glimpsed down, finds the necklace glimmering between your fingers and lets out a jubilant cry.

"I've been looking for this thing! Thank you!" he begins leaving rushed kisses all over your face, graciously ignoring any protests. "Thank you, baby! My moon and stars!"

Was he drunk as well?

Pulling back just as haphazardly he glanced at the clock, breathing a horrified gasp.

"Oh, shit, I'm late! But the mess..." he tosses a guilty glimpse at the destroyed closet before you push him.

"I'll..I'll clean it, just go."

You had little to do anyway, not like you could go to a gallery to have worldly people fun. At that, a natural scoff worms upon your face.

"Thank you! I love you! I love you so much!" he yelps and presses himself fervently against you, capturing your lips in a sloppy, frantic kiss. The taste of energy drinks spills onto your mouth. The next you know, your boyfriend becomes Sonic and is out of the door leaving nothing but destruction in his wake.

Typical.

You're still folding some pants when reluctantly the weight of the promise burdens you too much and end up switching the TV, knowing in your heart that seeing him in his role as an idol, you'll only feel more distant. What sort of girlfriend tunes into the TV to see their boyfriend not just call them? What sort of girlfriend were you at all? You frown at the leg of the pants, bunching it in your palms before releasing it. A lame one. You were a lame girlfriend.

It couldn't be said that this interview was anything else that you hadn't seen and heard hundred times before but one thing does stick out like red in a sea of mourners. Namjoon looks like a goddamn patchwork game. You can squint and frown, an action which is done by many, including the interviewer, his band, and the camera operator probably as well. The look presented makes it seem he was blind, drunk, and high when choosing his clothes and also made that choice in a closet belonging to a crazy person. Green baggy pants, a red turtleneck, a white, little scarf, a beret and the necklace proudly laid to glisten in the middle of his chest which that turtleneck is giving it all to protect.

Was this his way of saying he needed a break?

"Uh, Namjoon, to address the uh...elephant in the room," the interviewer begins, pulling the collar of the shirt aside, under pressure to both ask and be very polite about it. "Are you experimenting with new fashion these days?"

"No," he beams back, suspiciously innocent and wide-eyed. "These are my favourite clothes! They give me comfort and remind me of being loved whenever I go."

You think back and start piecing together, a patchwork of your own if you will, that these were all things you got him. Some you had forgotten - the joke beret, the necklace but the red turtleneck was an impromptu Christmas present while the green pants he wanted but didn't have the time to go out and buy himself.

"I see," the interviewer drawls. "To segway off what you said, as k-pop idols, love is certainly a big part of your songs, may I ask how you view love on your own? Is it something you share with your image or is it completely different?"

"Well, I-" Taehyung begins but is immediately interrupted by Namjoon whose eagerness makes him look like a complete maniac. Poor Taehyung can only blink owlishly and then let the matter be.

"Thank you so much for asking! I've thought a lot about love, I always made it complicated in my head, but now I know better. Love is being understood," his eyes snap straight into the camera and you flinch as you hold eye contact. "It's to be comfortable and feeling heard. Most of the time you know people say you have to be of similar interests, that then you'll be able to bond better but that is simply not true. People are not bonded together by their diplomas, how many stamps they have on their passport or how many painting meanings they can discern."

Your cheeks flush.

"They are bonded because they share one another and that's what's important not the trivial nonsense others may push upon them. The world is made of perspectives and whenever our loved ones express their thoughts it becomes a better, more interesting place. And I think we ourselves as well. What matters is not how many, let's say, artwork meanings they get but how much of us they get."

"And do you feel..."get"?" the interviewer asks awkwardly and Namjoon splits into a broad smile.

"Very much so. I need nothing of no one else."

YOONGI: He stands there menacingly. A (not so) tall shadow cast over your bed at the very break of the dawn.

"You slept well?" he asks. Menacingly. Cause that's what he was. Menacing. Even the package in his hands is...menacing. You scurry to press yourself against the headboard. There's a determined gleam in his eye, one that says he was up to something and will see the fruits of his labour even if it kills him.

"Umm it was okay. Why are you cosplaying as the boy from the Grudge?"

He whines and the sinister aura disappears. You had hoped to avoid him for some days. Despite your best intentions, the words that you were only charity to Yoongi repeated their heinous loop over and over in your head.

"It was meant to be cute," he pouts. "Like watching over you in a guardian sort of way."

"Ended up with Brahms," you mutter and then erupt in a fit of coughs, dryness in the throat making it hard to speak.

Yoongi's face sours in an instant.

"Did you fall mute again?"

You shrug. It's easy not to talk when you don't exist. He sighs but doesn't prod, knowing full well he can't force things to be alright.

"Would you be up for dinner? A fancy one?"

You incline your head to the package and he hands it over. Inside sits dinner wear made of the finest quality.

"Why?" you rasp. "You don't usually like dressing up."

He shrugs and something about it has your eyes narrowing.

"Just wanted to do something different," he replies a bit too offhand. "Are you up to it?"

"I-" another cough interrupts the sentence and Yoongi rushes to get a glass of water. "Thank you. Okay. We can go to dinner."

Another dinner, yey, you think to yourself dryly but he seems for some reason excited and it would be no good to be a curmudgeon to him as well.

"Thank you, Bacchus," he bids softly and leans to kiss the top of your head.

You snort at the nickname.

But the dinner extravaganza didn't simply end there. With every passing second, the mystery tightened like an Agatha Christie novel. Yoongi insisted on you taking the car he ordered, tinted windows to add, to an undisclosed restaurant and with the driver oathed to not speak a word of it. Your phone he asked to shut off as well. Not put it on mute but turn it off entirely. You partially wondered if he hit a psychotic break of sorts and/or has unfortunately turned into a murderer. Mulling over the heartbreak that would be if your honey boy would turn into a killer, you were stunned to see a familiar face when climbing out of the car. Your mother.

"Mom? What are you doing here?"

She was dressed to the nines as well and seemed rather shocked to see you climbing out of the car. Around her neck sat a pearl necklace one you don't recall her having and she was nervously twiddling with it in front of the restaurant's host. A restaurant that you very purposefully avoided as one of its managers was none other than that annoying, grating, stick-so-far-up-her-ass-its-practically-impaling-her cousin of yours.

"I don't know," she replied, glancing around. "Your boyfriend asked me to be here."

Before you could answer anything, the host urged you to enter into a private area as was the case when you dined with someone who needed absolute security at all times. The group wasn't all that large, consisting of yourself, your mother, your aunt, the aunt who wasn't as cool as the first one her weird husband and their dog even, who was sporting a fancy bowtie for the occasion. By the table sat Yoongi and though many would say he appeared stoic you knew exactly what that sly, scheming son of a biscuit had done this evening. He raised to stand, politely bid welcome to all your relations who as always didn't know how to act so they settled on an ungainly silence, and then gave you flowers before kissing your cheek. By the bar, her eyes glinting like two wildfires, sat your cousin gurgling her own poison most likely.

"I'm so going to choke you for this," you discreetly whisper into his ear but he only smiles.

With alcohol loosening much of the knotted tongues, the dinner progressed smoothly. Yoongi occasionally coquettishly leaned in, so unlike him, and brushed his nose against your cheek. All, of course, a part of an elaborate apology.

"But you were afraid of my mother," you argue, walking hand in hand back home. Where your cousin went you did not know but it was unlikely she would be present at the next meeting.

"Still am," he chuckles but even then there is an undercurrent of fright running deep. "But after you hung up I called her and she relayed that you looked like a ghost for the rest of the evening. And I know I said this a thousand times but I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm not always there for you, I'm sorry for being absent, I'm sorry if anyone ever made you feel like you're invisible," he sighed, stretching he tie looser from his neck and you adjusted his hair, mussed by a strong gust of wind.

"Still you don't need to do all that," softly you say. "It's enough for you to just show up sometimes and be awkward in the corner."

"I know," he kisses the top of your head pushing the doors open. "Just wanted to show that you're the only one I see."

JIN: In a fashion that probably millions of other people did before him he pretended everything was fine. That it was all fine. What was it? Fine. Normal. Nothing was happening. Everything's usual. The same old. And then he cried in the bathroom stall for ten minutes, before forcing it to all stop and pretending that it was all fine.

But as your things became scarcer and two lives that he meant to unite forever were separated, clinically and detached like a scalpel of a surgeon, the less he could pretend it was fine.

It wasn't fine. It was over.

Jin was never one for relationship theatrics to say that his life was over as well but now he realized that it was - the life he wanted at least and possibly could have had in the future - was dust.

But there is some truth to the idea that sometimes loving someone was leaving them, letting them go in a wind, like a migrating bird, away from the winter of discontent and into the summer of ease.

And you assure him it's nothing he had done. Perhaps that's the most infuriating part, it's nothing he'd done so he can't correct, he can't change the world for you even if he wants to oh so bad. But harder still is to watch, watch you be a hollow shell, driven to a point of insecurity so high you ill. No jokes of his, no smiles, no well-meaning words of his can change the sentiment.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't handle the world you live in."

Even if he wouldn't be an idol, it's a world Jin has always lived in. He knows how to not buckle underneath the waves of judgment cause he had swum in them since but a bare-bottomed infant.

"You can always crash here or call me if you need help," he offers, trying to sound as light as possible while helping you pack the last boxes. Such a strange thing to help the love of your life leave you but despite all Jin has always wanted to take care. So he takes care one last time.

"That's not how it works," you laugh. It's dry and humourless and he wonders how long will it take for you to move on. The love is not lost it just couldn't conquer all as lovely as that would be.

"Yeah, I guess so," he scuffs his slipper against the floor. The home is empty now. It feels physically wrong and Jin hopes to himself this would all be a bad dream. That this is the same night he got you from the police station and this was a concoction of the mind, wormed and plagued by guilt.

"Eat well, okay," he reminds. There's so much he wants to say but he lets himself choke on those words. Why? He doesn't quite know but the last thing he wants to do is make you feel any worse. That's not what a good partner does. Even if he's soon to not be one.

"I will," you promise. "Remember to stretch once in a while, you play too many video games, they can make your muscles tense."

He doesn't trust his voice so Jin nods. And just like that, it's over. A thirty-second walk to the elevator is all he gets instead of a whole life he'd been so certain of. But even now he thinks that better you be happy than miserable by his side. The elevator dings and he's buying seconds, he would put his entire fortune for just a minute.

"Where will you be travelling exactly?" he asks.

"I don't know. Somewhere warm, somewhere cold. Find myself again," you reply, pretending it's all fine as well. If you acknowledge the reality for just a second, you'll break and so you delude yourself. For just a bit.

Jin nearly says to send him a lot of videos but then bites on his tongue. The elevator opens and you climb in, a suitcase behind you, a carton box in the crook of your arm. Jin smiles.

"You know, life is strange. Should we suddenly cross paths five years later who knows how it'll turn out, right?"

It's, of course, a hopeful delusion, a length of rope many have tied around their necks with a smile on their face but he can't stop. He doesn't want to stop. If the movie has a hopeful ending, it's a love story, if not - it's a tragedy and Jin was never one for tragedies.

Be that as it may, you open your mouth to say something, anything, but the elevator closes and the rest is silence.

HOSEOK: He glowers. Hoseok is not known for glowering but he does so to his earnest. The foot tapping the floor nearly makes a dent in the material as he waits. Waits for you like a disappointed parent or a hunter lying in an ambush. Hoseok himself doesn't particularly care what he is as long as he gets what he wants which is you at home.

She's not cheating, she would never cheat, he tells himself but isn't that what all poor bastards of the world thought. The hallway is dark and you stumble freely, assuming he's not here and then nearly crack your skull open when seeing him stand stoic like a statue in the dark.

"Fucking hell!" you yell and he jumps, somehow startling himself by the loudness of your voice.

"Welcome back," he greets you cooly, turning on the lights. "Hoped I was out?"

You stand squirming in guilt and avoiding his gaze exactly like a cheater would but there's no cologne on your blouse or a hickey on the neck. The only thing you carried was a plastic bag with snacks. Cheap, cheap snacks.

He takes it away from your hands and peers inside. Ramen, cotton buds, chocolate chips, and seaweed for some reason.

"I don't understand," he breathes out. "You're...all this time...every time you're not home you're doing grocery shopping?"

You don't answer anything and his brows furrow in confusion.

"_____________, I don't understand. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing wrong per se," you brush off. "It's just I..."

"I?" he urges.

"It's where I feel like I belong."

For a while, he leans into the wall and then it clicks together.

The store was perhaps the most normal thing possible with people going about their day, hardly any limelight. Hardly any luxury.

"You're with me, I love you," he sighs. "My world is your world."

"Yeah," you brush off, clearly lying. "I know."

And perhaps it's the stress or perhaps the fierceness with which he's ready to tie himself to you, a move he never thought he could wholeheartedly make, he has none of it. Which brings him back to a party, one in his name once more just a tad more covert.

"I don't know about this," you stammer, trying to pull your hand away from his.

"Just trust me. Don't you trust me?"

"Not with that tone," you whine crossing the street. "Listen, I'm happy your album is a success, couldn't be prouder -"

Hoseok's ears flush to this day when hearing any praise from your mouth.

"Thank you."

"- but you can, you know, have fun and I'll chill out somewhere else."

He whips around.

"Is it something someone said?" he confronts and you awkwardly glance away.

"They don't need to say it, it's apparent. I'm sticking out like a sore thumb in these places."

"I don't care for them and neither should you! If these parties are about me, then you should always be a part of them. I invite all the guys, all the time -"

"Yeah, you all work in the same field," you roll your eyes and he lightly flicks your forehead.

"Dummy, they're my family, you're my family and my family is with me in celebrations."

You gaze at your intertwined hands.

"Obviously, I can't and shouldn't force you to be here but trust me and maybe I can make you feel a little bit better."

You draw a heavy sigh, bemoaning to yourself about the sacrifices of love and with gritted teeth step into the enemy territory. It's loud and bright with many strangers surrounding you like flies around honey. You notice Jin and Jungkook tucked away neatly in the corner and they offer knowing nods of the head. You frown at them and turn to the stage where there's a podium and a magnificent chair like a throne behind it. Hoseok sits you, confused, down in it, sort of in the background but always present like an overarching symbolic presence and if people look then even faster they swerve away in guilt. Hoseok's smile is bright and polite but there is no question about it that the line "let's be friendly" means no one so much as opens their mouth to toss a curt comment or swerve their eye your way in an inappropriate manner. In between Hoseok frequently checking back and Jin pulling you into a nameless 1v1 phone game, you forget of the crowd, their judgement and your need for their opinion. Whenever you glance up, Hoseok is there giving an encouraging smile and you realize the one opinion that matters the most will never waver from always being in your favour.

JIMIN: The money spilt all across the counter as Mari yelped, startled when the door was simply kicked open.

"I-I'm sorry but we're clo-"

"What is this?" Jimin's voice comes with a sharpness you'd never ever heard before. It makes you swallow nervously, eyes lingering on the paper slip clutched in his palm.

"I...I explained what it is," you squirm anxiously and Mari's head is a blur, switching to left and fro in between you both.

"We..we have to keep closing," she whimpers, shrivelled small by the register squeaking in a barely audible tone.

Jimin's eyes snap towards her and she immediately withers underneath his rage.

"Just go home," you order her, tired, and she doesn't have to be told twice. Only a second passes before she's scurrying to the door. Momentarily, you can see that she recognizes the masked stranger but that makes her eyes only hang lower as she desperately tries to not be remembered, probably counting the sum of his displeasure in her head. When the bell rings to announce her exit, the air presses down with tension.

You twist the towel in your hands, pulling a deep breath to speak a string of words that cut your heart open.

"Jimin, I want...I want to break up."

"No."

A pause.

"No?" stunned, you echo.

"I'm not breaking up with you."

He has pulled the mask off his face and his eyes are crazy. They're rimmed red. He's been crying.

"You can't just -" you begin to object but he quickly interrupts.

"Do you still love me?"

The question takes you by surprise but he's not content with silence.

"Do you still love me?" he reiterates with more strength and you nod, voice catching in the throat.

"I do, but -"

"When we got together I said it would be hard but we promised, you promised that we would work through our problems together."

"I'm sorry," you murmur.

"Not accepted," Jimin snaps and you flinch. "What was this - "I'm sure in time you'll find yourself a more appropriate partner with whom you'll feel happier." With all due respect, ______________, you do not get to dictate what or to whom I should feel something. I'm dating you because I want you, not a model, not an idol or whoever you think is "good" for me. I want you."

"But what if I begin to resent you?" glaring at your shoes you listlessly argue but Jimin's face doesn't differ from the hard scowl with which he barged here into.

"I'm not going to part with the love of my life on a what if," he sneered throwing your breakup letter decidedly into the trash.

"But I'll just be a burden-!"

"Oh for the love of!" he throws his hands into the air. "You're not a burden for asking my help. I want to do it, you understand? Me! I want to help you, I want to provide for you, that's what I want not what you force me to do," completely worked himself into a heated tirade, he barely took a breath before pelting the words one after another like hail upon your shoulders.

"We're going to go home, talk about our problems and then live happily ever after, god fucking damnit!"

You stand mutely, hunched in yourself quite like a berated kid. Exhaling slowly through the nose, Jimin's rage seems to abate, if a little bit, and for a lingering pause, there's only the rhythmic ticking of the wall clock filling the air.

"I still need to close," you shuffle, sensing the familiar sting in the eyes.

"Fill out the documents," he replies stiffly but at least not sneering anymore. "I'll do the rest. You must be tired."

You comply without a question sitting down to fill out the proper numbers. Jimin's ensnared with dusting the countertops, mopping the floor, and gathering the trash. An unsightly, lowly work that a national star like him shouldn't be doing but he does. He does it all.

TAEHYUNG: He keeps thinking that it can't simply end like that - on a slammed door in the silence. But it does. It's inevitable like seeing your favourite movie with a sad ending over and over again, always hoping that the familiar reel will somehow change, that the world will be a better place than it is but the movie is set and the ending is set and everything is set in stone. Taehyung's role is set to play the irredeemable villain and be ruined by his own actions.

"This..you know...big city...but lovers find their way," he slurs in a bar with only Jimin to keep tabs on him. He's angry, untalkative and quite upset as Taehyung lost the love of his life and he lost a good friend all in one fell swoop. It's only because of Jimin's curt text of "way to miss your girlfriend's birthday, prick" that he came to his senses. He'd rushed home all at once though it did no good. The apartment was empty, the neighbours vouched for you moving out and in the trash, he found a single, crumpled note. It began and ended with only one word - V. Not Taehyung the one he's always been to you but V. There was nothing after it but he kept it still.

"Lovers...they find each other in every life right?" he asks but Jimin remains obstinately quiet yet when comes the time to weep he reaches out to pat his friend's back.

"It's just a scarf!" he yells into the stylist's face. "It's just a scarf! What's the big deal? It fits the theme, right? Just let me keep it!"

Namjoon having rushed to the room inspects this strange friend of his, backed into the corner with an expression so vicious he fails to recognize him. He doesn't know what happened but he knows the way Taehyung hugs the scarf to his chest, to protect, to cradle it like a kindling flame. He knows grief when he sees one.

"Just leave him alone," he orders the stylist and Taehyung is let on the stage with a scarf on his neck, one he doesn't stop touching throughout the entirety of the event. It was the only thing left besides the note, otherwise, you'd been very thorough, combing your life free of him in all conceivable ways. World as always goes on and Taehyung hates it for it doing so. Rather it'd stop, rather it stand completely still so he can mould himself into time itself and stop existing. He sees fractures of you in scenarios of happy strangers, of hands intertwined and smiles shared, a life lived together as he always wanted to. He intended to with such certainty it's like the very basis underneath his feet is crushed. He never assumed it'd go so wrong.

Largely he keeps this obsession to himself, of fear of being judged, of being called crazy, only Jimin knows and in his neverending love for his friend, he tolerates it. Partially in the happier moments, Taehyung tries to romanticize the situation. In any good love story, one person meets another and they are split apart by circumstance only to end up together. Forgiveness always wins and love prevails. That's what he was told since being a baby. This was...this was his term of punishment, a way to apologize for his actions but nothing of the sort is of course real. The reality which Taehyung was never too fond of was much more sterner and cutthroat. You didn't love him anymore = you left. The End.

The End.

He lives in dreams and he lives in love that now is just an echo.

But the wronger still comes the day when your scarf splits at the seams. It can't be fixed, it can't be brought back, it's just ruined and gone and it sits in Taehyung's hands - useless. Still, he shoves the threads in his pocket, fully aware that there was a line, a fine line to be drawn but he can't bring himself to draw it. If he stops hoping, just for a second, his movie will end like it was always meant to be.

JUNGKOOK: "Please come home."

"No."

The begging had been going on for almost half an hour. Both attempts were fruitless, his - to get you back, yours - to get him to leave.

"I'm sorry."

"You didn't accidentally step on my foot! You told me my entire life is useless. That I'm wrong for being not like you."

He licks his dry lips and runs a hand through the messed-up hair. Unwillingly, you notice that his knuckles were faintly bleeding. The temperature had dropped suddenly overnight. He must have forgotten to lotion them. Not that it mattered now. Though he had quite a lot to argue about that.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for what I said. I was stupid, petulant and..." he sighs, staring at the floor. "Jealous."

"Over what?" you tilt an eyebrow.

"Yoongi. You get along with Yoongi. He gets you and I was scared so I lashed out."

"It's not an excuse," listlessly, you frown at his figure lodged halfway into your friend's apartment. A safe haven, he somehow managed to find out about. One couldn't argue with how driven Jungkook was. A quality you did not appreciate much right now.

"What do you want here? That I'll spring back into your arms, magically find some sort of passion and suck you off in gratitude?!"

"No!" he objects. "No! It's not like that!"

"Then explain! Explain for us lowly, dispassionate losers what is this all about?!"

He begins to twiddle with his thumbs, tongue playing with the back of his lip ring. It wasn't often that a 1.79m, tattoed muscle mass known as Jeon Jungkook could possibly appear small but he appeared as such in this very moment.

"I just want you back. Want to eat my words," when you open your mouth to tear him a new one, he hurries faster. "But I know I can't. So I am asking, I'm begging to give me a chance. Not forgiveness, just a chance to start over. As...friends...if you'd like. I'll get to know you anew, open mind this time. Be as you are. That's all I'm asking."

"Friends?" you parrot, part scornful, part impressed. He used to drone on and on about how he always wanted to be more than friends, how that name was like a lightless void to him, an unshakeable role in the distance he was desperate to breach so to hear him offer that very role so eagerly was if anything a symbol of truly wanting to listen. If he could be trusted.

You assess him sternly, tucking away the feeling of a girlfriend far way.

"If we do it, if!" you emphasize yet his eyes gain a hopeful tint. Retribution. "I want to be able to cut ties without you throwing a fit, tracking me down and doing this because this," you wave over his crouched figure. "Is not cute. It's annoying. One strike and you're out! And we start as friends!"

He's not deterred in the slightest on the opposite his face is glowing.

"I'll get to know you as I should have," he promises. "No judgement."

You let out a prolonged, irritated sigh.

"I hate you."

"I don't," he replies, nose scrunched in happiness. "Not in the slightest."

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thewinter-eden · 29 days ago

Text

almost summer | kim seungmin (00)

00 : PROLOGUE

Pairings: KIM SEUNGMIN x OC | YANG JEONGIN x OC

Rating: mature

cross posted on AO3 under the_winter_eden and wattpad under alone-at-last.

Warnings: post-breakup emotions, angst.

almost summer masterlist

next chapter >

glossary:

VALOR: Variant Association of Logistics Operations and Reconnaissance, a military-adjacent special warfare group.

Hot tea scalded Maven Spanaway's mouth, leaving a terrible sensation on her tongue, which she endured with the same deadened expression she'd woken up with. Exhaustion weighed on her shoulders and back, sleep pulling at her eyelids. She could already hear the screaming of the instructors down the hall. The noise ramped up like an approaching siren as they made their way from room to room. They'd be at her end of the hall, flinging her door open in a matter of minutes.

Maven and her platoon were halfway through their second week of experimental special forces training, with thirteen weeks remaining—or fewer, for those who rang the daunting bell that hung on the deck, symbolizing their self-termination of training. Her platoon, comprised of twenty-three women, had initiated the training course with fifty-seven.

Maven poured her tea onto a plate, held it to her mouth, and carefully tipped it back; still hot but no longer boiling. With the instructors only a hall away, she ran both the mug and the plate under the faucet, dragged a paper towel over them, and stacked them haphazardly in the cabinet.

Her turn had come. The commander's entrance was emphasized by the crash of the door against the wall.

Maven snapped to attention, eyes focused on some spot over his shoulder, feeling her brain kick back into survival mode as it had been doing over the past ten days. The commander tore around her room, wordlessly tossing her bedding off of its frame and pulling her clothes out of her dresser. Her room had been cleaned to regulation, organized exactly the way they'd been instructed, but it made no difference.

She had let go of the reactive frustration during the first week, electing to accept the aggressive barrage and save her emotional energy for the rest of the day.

Every morning she and the other women faced the loud and throat-stripping routine of hearing questions screamed in their faces and screaming answers back. The process had broken three of them on the first day.

The commander finished his affront on her property and swept out of her room just as abruptly as he'd come in. His instructors were charging the barracks after him, rallying the women and rushing them out to the deck. Maven made her bed again, heart racing as the instructors grew closer, barking like dogs. It didn't matter if the job was done or not—they'd grab her in the middle of cleaning and throw her out the door, but she had better be cleaning when they came in.

The experimental special forces training program was conducted by VALOR, assisted by special forces military operators serving as instructors. Commander Jung Hoseok was a former SEAL, and his co-instructors came out of Green Berets, Delta, Raiders, Paratroopers, and Rangers. Most of them had prior experience with VALOR, though none of them had previously interacted with any of the women who had been selected for the program.

The purpose of the program was not to create an all-women team of elite operators, nor to integrate women into full SEAL or Ranger teams. The idea was to create highly effective operators who could form fireteams and complete small, intimate assignments for the agency.

The instructors of the program included Commander Jung Hoseok, Captain Kim Namjoon, Captain Park Jimin, Lieutenant Seo Changbin, and MCPO Jeon Jungkook. Flown in from military bases around the country, the junior and enlisted officers had been pouring their strength into their assault on the platoon's minds and bodies. Mornings during the first few weeks of recruit training consisted of command after command after command of grueling exercises designed to make them quit. There was no such thing as doing anything right. A job well done did not exist.

Experienced people had warned Maven that recruit training would be as such, but the realization hadn't set in until she'd finished the first week.

By no means unfamiliar with strength training and fight training and military life, Maven had expected to breeze through the first phase of training without issue. The physical extremes of it were manageable; she ached until she felt she couldn't walk and her mind had to cling to the brief seconds between each task, but she could withstand the difficulty and complete the job.

The real challenge lay in the fact that nobody was asking if she could finish. They were telling her she couldn't and asking her how she handled failure.

There was no right answer, there was no good form, she never did enough, she never said it right. There was no pat on the back at the end of the day, no 'good job, you did it!' The training experiment was designed to make experienced soldiers, marines, sailors, and airmen quit. Phase one wasn't to make them better—it was to make them quit.

So, when Maven found herself on the deck—which served more as a sandbox than a deck—in gridline with the rest of her platoon, doing sit-ups with the commander in her face, she could only fix her mind on the only truth she had to work with: 'you don't have to do it right; you just can't quit.' Sand flew in every direction, kicked over their shaking bodies by the instructors. Maven spat it out of her mouth, struggling to breathe. The muscles in her core and back burned like she'd taken a boot to the gut. Tension clenched at her neck and skull, the strain of holding her head up more difficult than the sit-up evolution.

The commander had dropped to his knees next to her, pounding his fists into the sand, forcing his face only inches from hers, screaming until all she could hear past the mantra and the counting in her head was the grating, sandpaper voice of Commander Jung. His voice and her required responses distracting her from the pain became the only mercy. That and the fact that his mouth was too dry to spit on her.

Sand in her hair, sand in her pants, in her shirt, trapped between her belt and her skin, already leaving the angry, painful red rashes in its wake. She clenched her eyes shut, resisting the urge to rub sand away from them. If she could control anything during training, it inarguably had to be escaping pink eye.

They spent an hour and a half on the deck before the instructors sent them in for food. With no time to appear civilized or polite, the chow hall quickly filled with twenty-three exhausted, starving women receiving their portions, finding their seats, and wolfing down food like they'd never eat again. The instructors circled the room, yelling without a minute of reprieve. Every few seconds one would stop at a recruit, bend down low and get so close to her face that he was practically nose to ear.

She couldn't look away, she couldn't back him off, she couldn't ignore his address.

Maven forced the food down so fast she felt sick while at the same time feeling unsatisfied and hungry. The portions were based on body weight and BMI. There was no eating until full, no choosing how much you wanted. Maven wasn't underweight, like some of the others who were forced to eat more, nor was she overweight and given a smaller portion. The food hit her stomach like gravel, but her mind was stuck on the pushups and the sit-ups and the planks and the burpees. She could still hear the rhythmic counting of the platoon.

The part of her brain trying to survive, the part repressing the urge to quit told her to stop thinking about the deck. Every morning, forget the deck, forget the deck, forget the deck. It's over, forget about it. The part of her mind still stuck on it faltered. It made her want to quit, it made her want to cry, it made her think about doing more all over again.

Back on the deck, the instructors looked for mistakes. They looked for form mistakes, for weakness, for uniform inconsistencies, anything that was definitely wrong. They took those mistakes and they called them out and they made the rest of the platoon pay for them. They stoked bitterness against each other, inviting more mistakes.

It was an unceasing mental attack, the instructors' hands digging deep into the recruits' thoughts, reaching around to see whose brain they could turn inside out.

The platoon spent the day doing belly crawls through mud and water, log PT, and cardio for minutes at a time.

Maven's focus wasn't on the evolutions. Her body went through the commands along with everyone else, but her eyes were searching, watching the platoon and the instructors. The way to win wasn't to do the evolutions flawlessly, it was to either escape the attention of the instructors or to do what they liked to see. She had to forget about being hated for being exalted once or twice. Too much confidence invited the heaviest load. Not enough confidence gave the instructors their opening to attack.

On the belly crawl, Maven watched women go too slow, crawl too high, and be afraid of getting their faces muddy. Maven got down in the trench, pinned her hips to the ground, put her head down and crawled. Face down, under board, head up, breathe. Mud seeped into her eyes, sliding down her face, in her mouth, in her nose. It couldn't bother her. There was no enemy fire, it wasn't a battlefield simulation, she didn't have to be able to see.

Every evolution had nothing to do with the ability of the body, and everything to do with the ability of the mind. None of the work was in preparation of the future; the pushups didn't serve the purpose of teaching the soldiers to pull body weight; the cardio didn't tell the instructors whether or not a marine could keep up energy and stamina. The log PT wouldn't help a Navy SEAL carry equipment or a partner on the job. Day after day after day of physical evolutions didn't build the body up. It broke the body down.

It was damaging and strenuous and forceful; the human body doesn't grow under those conditions; it breaks; and ninety percent of the time, the mind breaks first. That was Phase One.

He left her.

He destroyed everything and left.

She didn't really know why he disappeared last year. He never really told her why he blew everything off. She figured it was probably the commitment that they were approaching, and the fact that she had wanted to apply to be a VALOR Special Agent, which made no sense because he was the one who said she should.

If she knew that he'd been testing her, she never would have listened to him. They were both VALOR agents, he a Special Agent and she an analyst, and he'd been talking about her applying for the active duty role for two years. He'd been pushing her to consider applying for the advancement because he thought she "needed" it to feel fulfilled in her job. He kept saying they would make it work.

Liar.

The lying became a pattern—she couldn't take him at his word. She couldn't believe him on first decision. She would double check with him over and over and over. "Do you really want to?" "is this really ok?"

And he still came back around later and said "I didn't want to." "that bothered me."

He gave false affirmations and let her think that things were okay.

Maybe she messed up too much.

Maybe in time they could come back.

She gave up where she wanted to live and what she wanted to do and her reservations about having kids. She gave up a lot for the wedding. She did it all for him and it was difficult but she was so much more than willing to build something of their own together. And while she was trying to make plans within the new parameters, he was taking all of her difficulties as personal insult against him, no matter how many times she went blue in the face trying to convince him that it was a process to shift her entire outlook on her future but that she was excited about it.

"I feel like you don't really want to live in Texas."

"I feel like you don't want kids."

"You always wanted to be a Special Agent."

It was all personal insult against him.

He never thanked her for the 180-degree shift she adopted. It was hard to adjust to but she was quickly getting more and more excited for it. It was an adjustment, but she was trying so hard—so many nights crying, trying to make herself put her former plans aside so that he wouldn't see her struggle. But he saw some of it and some of the knee-jerk bitterness that accidentally slipped through and he took it as "you don't really want me."

Maven changed everything she wanted because she wanted him more, but every time a little difficulty showed through, he would see it as a major setback to them being together.

He never showed appreciation for what she was trying to do. All he would do (if he thought about it) was say "I think I'm asking too much of you" and then she'd have to comfort him and love on him and get him back on track because it wasn't too much.

But he never was appreciative or understanding and it made her feel like she was doing something wrong.

She was trying so hard.

Of course VALOR was still important to her. Of course it still mattered. But she wouldn't have chosen it over him.

She didn't know that was the choice she was making.

She wished she was better at communicating excitement, but she thought that she had been. She knew the wedding had been a sore point, but she laid that out at the beginning. She didn't like weddings. She hated weddings. She hated commercial events.

He said "I understand that, but I would like a wedding."

She said "I knew you would, and because it's important to you, we're going to have one."

And his response was "Can you at least make it nice?"

And he hit her with it when he called to break up with her. "You don't even want a wedding."

She did make requests about their wedding. She wanted it in Georgia. He said he didn't care to get married in Georgia. She said she hated lifeless church building weddings. She wanted it outdoors, at least, and he asked if they could consider the church building. She wanted a small, intimate wedding, he put 300 people on the guest list. She said she didn't want a lot of exposition, and he wanted a first dance.

But it was her fault that she had a hard time being enthusiastic about the event. She wanted to give him everything. She just thought he would give her grace when she had a hard time with it. And she should have been more mature about it, but it did suck. Nothing about the wedding appealed to her except for what she was wearing and the fact that she was allowed to have cheesecake and coffee.

And the closer they got to it, the more she wished she could have made it more her own.

She hated having 6 bridesmaids.

It bothered her that his family was 90% of the wedding party. He asked her to ask his own sisters to be bridesmaids, and he didn't even tell her that he was switching out his groomsmen and using his uncles instead of his friends.

And then he just called everything off and left.

She offered a delay on the wedding and counseling in the meantime. She offered a tangible solution.

But nothing they had experienced together was worth solving? He was so convinced they wanted different things. Nothing she could say would change his mind.

She's not getting married anymore. After spending 2 years investing in a future that no longer exists.

I don't know where it went.

It's just gone out of nowhere.

I had a fiancé and now I have nothing.

What am I supposed to do?

He left me.

#horror #skz #fanfic #skz x oc #stray kids #kim seungmin x oc #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #yang jeongin x oc #seungmin x oc #jeongin x oc

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bangtanhoneys · 1 year ago

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BTS MOMENTS: Seokjin & Grace - Days Off

Nearly a two-hour drive for a twenty-four hour home visit

Of course, he would go straight to Grace's with a very quick pitstop to his parents

But he's heading to Grace's no matter what

Homecooked food all-day

Seokjin wakes up to a monster on his chest but it's Min-Ji who has missed him as much as Grace has

It's a big white fluff rug on his chest and it's comforting but suffocating at the same time. Plus he really needs the bathroom

He finds Grace making breakfast, still in her nightclothes which consist of a pair of shorts and someone's shirt. He can't tell if it's his, Yoongi's or Jungkook's

When she turns around, he realises its Namjoons shirt. The plant graphic on the front says it all

They eat breakfast in front of the tv, sprawled on the couch with Min-ji spread across the windowsill watching the rain

There are no plans today for the two of them because it's Jin's first day off from the military and he wants to do nothing but cuddle up to this amazing woman

Of course, the group chat with the rest of the boys goes off all day but some of the messages are easy to ignore

Jimin's suggestion that they give them nieces or nephews is promptly ignored

Yoongi's message about the cat is not ignored however

A selfie with said white cat is taken with Min-Ji spread across Jin's shoulders

When did they get so broad

When did everything get so broad and muscular

If this is what the military does to the boys, god help ARMY

God help Grace because she hasn't realised what was truly hidden under that uniform

The really short hair does nothing for her but watching him move around in civilian clothes makes her miss the uniform

Wonders briefly if he gets to keep the beret because she kinda wants it for herself

Dinner consists of skewers because Jungkook has materialised for an hour because he misses his hyung. After the food is gone, so is Jungkook

No one else bothers them

It's hard to say goodbye in the morning, there are a couple of tears but he knows he'll be back soon. He's gotten good at being in the military and he's going up the ranks fast

Promises to bring her a beret if he can get one

Kisses her goodbye, quite a bit

Doesn't kiss the cat but it gets a good snuggle in

More kisses but then he has to go

Really

Has

But he leaves with the hope he'll be back soon and not when it's to say goodbye to another member

God damn it J-Hope

#gracechuasks #bts 8th member #bts additional member #bts eighth member #bts female member #bts headcanons

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jinstronaut · 2 years ago

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every month of 2022!!!

(tagged by @userhobi, @sopekooks, @jiniekook, and @raplinenthusiasts thank u sweetest beans xoxox)

we’re 3 months into 2023 which means it only makes sense that i do this now :~) here we go!!!!!!

jan -

most popular: black swan ptd jinnie uwu he is etheral

fave: bts gtkm meme coffee set, i manifested a coffee comeback in 2022 i feel so powerful

feb -

most popular: dior hobi for 18 days of hobi, and can we BLAME HIM bc look at that man !!!!!! wtf !!!! past emmeline why did you do this he is insane!!!!!!

fave: :] yoongi for 11 days of yoongi, look at him he is :( so small i lov he

march -

most popular: yoonmin for 11 days of yoongi, if you don’t love them you are lying!!!! they are everything to meeeee!!!!!!

fave: seesaw for 11 days of yoongi, i tried something new with typography and i ended up really liking it!!! :’))) i’m proud of how it turned out + i also luv this song so uwu

april -

most popular: glasses namjoon :’))), this month was the month i started off my monthly bts series!!!!! and i get why this one was the best for april, Look At Him

fave: bts love yourself tour namjoon, i just rly think he is neat and deserves the world :(

may -

most popular: giggly seokjinnie, he is so so so cute what does it feel like @ that person to make him laugh like that i can only IMAGINE ;o;

fave: cute and sneaky seokjin, from THEEEE best run episode, look at his cute little face moments before he dupes all of his friends for some giftcards, truly diabolical

june -

most popular: bts anniversary gifset, as the tags say i made this in 36 hrs i was so sleepy by the end BUT !!!! it reached over 1,000 notes and most of my sets don’t do that, so i am so grateful that this was so well received !!!!

fave: AAAAYE AAAYE AAAAYE yoongi, he is just so important to me personally pls understand

july -

most popular: dior hobi, i mean the man just cannot be stopped and he’s right for it !!!!!!!!

fave: dance practice hobi, this hobi means so much to me when he wears his comfy shirts and jeans i just :’))))

august-

most popular: dancing beret jimine uwu he is so tiny and cute !!!!!!!

fave: black swan jimin, i rly rly rly love this set so much bc he looks so etheral and i just !!!!! he is the black swan !!!!!!!!!

september -

most popular: black swan tae and the people are RIGHT FOR IT bc look !!!! at him WOW. WOWEEEEEEE

fave: blue haired taehyung bc he is my favorite and i don’t make that a secret thank u and GOODNIGHT

october -

most popular: this jungkook and u kno what.......... this checks out i understand :~)

fave: this run ep is in my top 5 and this jk is so special to me specifically bc he is just like me fr

november -

most popular: jin birthday countdown, tumblr tags edition and i’d do it AGAIN bc i maintain that army are the funniest fuckin people in the world lksdjfksdlf ;o;

fave: this genre of bts is so important to me :’))))) i luv luv luv them

december -

most popular: the beginning of the jin a day series ;o; how long and yet how short it’s been

fave: this jin comp i made during his birthday weel :’)) i particularly proud of the editing i tried!!!

#tag games //#cc tag games //#cc games //#i dont remember my tags and im so sorry this took so long i truly am doing my best #BUT !!!!! it was super fun to see the way things became to be last year when i started my first huge series !!!! :'))) so thank u angels

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influencermagazineuk · 7 months ago

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Jin, BTS Member, Completes Military Service in South Korea

Jin, the oldest member of the K-pop sensation BTS, has been discharged from South Korea’s army after completing 18 months of mandatory national service. The 31-year-old, donning a uniform and black beret, appeared visibly emotional as he hugged his colleagues at a military base in Yeoncheon, Gyeonggi province, according to television footage. “I cried during the ceremony,” Jin shared during a livestream on the Weverse fandom platform, which quickly amassed over 3 million views. “But it was so fun for the last year and six months. It’s such a relief I met so many good people,” he added, expressing his gratitude towards his military colleagues. Several other BTS members, currently serving in the military, reportedly took leave to celebrate Jin's discharge. Among them was rapper RM, who greeted Jin with a saxophone performance of the group’s hit single “Dynamite.” Jin was the first BTS member to enlist in December 2022. The remaining four members began their service in December 2023, with the band planning to reunite in 2025 after completing their duties. To celebrate his discharge, Jin will host an event in Seoul on Thursday, where he will greet fans and perform. BTS’ label Hybe has organized the event at the Jamsil Sports Complex, selecting 1,000 fans who will have the opportunity to hug the star. Since their debut in 2013, BTS has achieved global superstardom, with No. 1 singles in over 100 countries, more than 74 million Instagram followers, and being named Time magazine’s Entertainer of the Year in 2020. In 2022, BTS visited the White House to discuss Asian representation and anti-Asian hate crimes, which surged in the US during the pandemic. In 2021, Louis Vuitton appointed BTS as brand ambassadors, and they wore complementary suits designed by the brand for the 64th Grammy Awards. Members Suga and Jimin have also starred in campaigns for Valentino and Dior, respectively. Dior’s artistic director Kim Jones even designed custom stage outfits for BTS's 2019 tour. South Korea mandates all able-bodied men between the ages of 18 and 28 to serve 18 to 21 months in the military or social service, with specific allowances and adjustments made for prominent public figures such as BTS members. Read the full article

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reflections-in-a-critical-eye · 1 year ago

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Jimin dressed so simply but looks so good. That little hat added to the outfit 😘. I will die on the hill that he dress himself better than people paid to dress him.

I love, love that oversized coat, it just makes him look like a tiny penguin. And as I've mentioned before, Jimin can really pull off a beret/newspaper boy cap. As you said, it's a simple outfit, but it works because he knows how to wear the clothes.

#jimin #m thoughts #jimin style

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aricastmblr · 1 year ago

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heartofbusan · 7 months ago

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If YOU think you're insufferable, than what am I because I am gobbling up and dissecting every last kookmin crumb that was thrown my way today!! They looked HELLA FOINE NOM. Jk's piercing gaze under that beret and over that mask NOM. Jimin’s essence got a masculine polish but his hugs and his pretty lines (hello the ballet feet) are still underneath the camo NOM. They were cut from the same Busan cloth, these men were, and I'm glad OP mentioned how confident and at ease they looked. NOM.

Privates First Class Park Jimin and Jeon Jungkook: Our first real look.

Jimin and Jungkook. I know, I'm being insufferable but I can't NOT dwell on them a little more. Festa activities will make us move past this so fast as things always do in BTS Army life.

But you don't realize how much is bottled up or how starving you've been until you finally get to feast on that one thing you've been missing. That didn't sound very appealing and I'm not really that pathetic (its mostly the busy-ness inside my head) but you know what I mean, right? I've missed them soooo much!

Military life seems to have been going well for them. Since January we've had very little news about them. Just military blips here and there... training with U.S. Marines... kitchen police... cooking rice... cleaning from top to bottom... learning to aim big-ass missiles and hitting targets and living on rations for a week. Even receiving recognition for outstanding service.

Almost every day I imagine them doing their daily duties and all... but there was little to go by. And that's fine. Some of those things I don't want to think about. But that's what they are doing every day.

Seeing them in real time in the flesh is very reassuring.

One thing that was noticeable to me is that Jimin and Jungkook did not look like their usual sleepy-head selves they are at that time of the morning. But they both looked strong and composed. Going to bed every night like a normal person and getting a good night's sleep is a healthy habit they will probably break the moment they are discharged.

Jimin... just wow. His hair grew out. No more buzz cut. But also, the duality continues:

Someone posted a comparison pic of Jimin's painted nails and a close up of his hands which now have what look like healed spots on his hands and knuckles and scuffed nails... I don't have the pic but it shows how he's fully immersed in his military duties. Hands do get beat up somewhat when you work with them a lot.

Jungkook looked amazing.

Jungkook's little burn scars... that damn edge of the oven or hot pan will get you when you least expect it! Got him twice too! Ouchie! I hope it didn't bother him for too long. To the infirmary!

He'll get Polyc to cover that up with a new tattoo. Or maybe design one around it to highlight Jungkook's battle scars he received while an enlisted man.

One thing they are most likely gaining now is self-confidence in the ability to do something NOT in their wheelhouse. Leading people or working with people who are not the ones they used to see day in and day out for ten years. Learning new skills, being part of a different team, doing different things can be enriching and will enhance other parts of their lives.

Not being with the people who are paid to be there to make sure they look good and every whim is taken care of....the isolation had to be culture shock for them. Knowing they are together, that center of familiarity when they are faced with something new, is a great source of comfort.

Jimin and Jungkook showed up to Jin's discharge in full uniform. I will assume they arrived together straight from their base, where they must remain in their uniforms at all times.

Hugs all around. Jimin's are the best, most heartfelt hugs.

Jimin and Tae's hug... I felt that shit. The squeeze, the "no, don't let go yet," the fullness of it. They mean a lot to each other. I know they've always been close, they've told us so, they've reminded us they speak to each other often even when they weren't working as a group.

And I'm sorry but the awkward side hug between Tae and JK was not "tHeY jUsT sPeNt TiMe ToGeThEr." Be for real. Are you fucking blind? That was Tae saying "bro, didn't realize you walked up behind me, are you not gonna hug me too?" And JK going "oh, well, ok if you insist, bro (since you won't let go of my wrist)."

No, Jimin and Jungkook did not hug each other... they just got out of the car that they rode in from their base where they live together. Where they showered and got dressed and ate breakfast together before getting in the car. It is perplexing how that is even a question I see people put out there.

There was curiosity as to whether Jimin and Jungkook were on day leave or what and initially seeing them in uniform the first assumption is that they might be only on temporary day leave and would have to return to base that evening. But then we got the group pic at the Hybe building and Jimin and Jungkook had changed clothes. From what I understand, when a soldier is on day leave, they must remain in uniform AT ALL TIMES during that day. No quick change into some other clothes for a while. REMAIN IN UNIFORM AT ALL TIMES NO MATTER WHAT. So them being in civvies tells us they are on vacation/days off. We don't know how much time they took off but perhaps they won't go back to the base until Monday.

During their days off they will probably separate and go do their own thing. Maybe they will take time to go to Busan and visit fam. Most likely, Jungkook will go check on the progress of the Itaewon house construction (the exterior of JK's new house is black and it will have a tiny balcony that faces the street and appears to have some livable rooftop space). Jungkook may visit Bam. They may visit their other friends. Since the entire group was there, they most likely shared how they were doing and most likely talked about next year.

The delulu mode has activated...

#got fed today #i totally forgot about the jikook travel vlog buddy cop show UNTIL i just tagged it #now im thinking about it again DAMMIT #jimin #jungkook #jikook #bts military service #jins military discharge

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missywritesfor7 · 1 year ago

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🌺 Promise Flower | PJM 🌺

Synopsis: Jimin is a popular dance student and the best one at his university. Mina is a photography student and has known Jimin since high school. An idea for a photo project finds Mina getting closer to him than she ever has before. She learns how big his heart is, but also learns how closely he guards it. Every time she thinks he'll let her in, he pulls away again. Is it even worth the trouble?

Pairing: college student!Jimin x fem!oc

Warnings: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, alcoholism

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Masterlist

|| Ch. 18: Rage ||

The next day my mind is only on seeing Jimin. I’m not interested in anything going on in the house. I don’t even emerge from my room because I can already hear heated conversations going on downstairs. From what I can hear Ryan is bitching because my parents seem to have refused to give him money. I guess letting him stay here with his pregnant girlfriend free of charge isn’t enough.

Jimin and I agree to meet for lunch at a small restaurant in town. I decided to skip breakfast just so I can stay in my room until I get ready to leave. When the time comes I gather my things and get ready to escape hopefully without hearing a word from Ryan.

I make my way down the stairs and find everyone sitting in the living room watching tv and looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“I’m going to meet Jimin for lunch,” I say quickly heading for the door.

“Oh wait!” My mom says jumping up and going into the kitchen. “Can you give this to him to take home?” She comes out with a bag stuffed with a couple of pies. “I promised his mom I’d save her a pie so I saved her two,” she smiles handing the bag to me.

“You’re giving them two fucking pies?” I hear Ryan say in the distance. That’s my cue to get the fuck out asap.

“I’ll give it to him,” I say forcing a smile. “I’ll be back later.” My mom returns the forced smile giving me a knowing nod as I turn and walk out the door.

I hate this feeling of having to tiptoe around when this is supposed to be a relaxing time for me. It’s just the way things were when I was in high school and a big reason why I chose to go to a university 2 hours away.

I start to feel like I don’t have a way out and it brings me near tears as I’m driving to meet Jimin. I have to give myself a moment to breathe and fix my face before I get out of the car and enter the restaurant where Jimin is already waiting.

When I step inside and see his face posted up near the door I’m overcome with a wave of calm. It’s amazing what a picture of his face can do for my overall well being. It’s even better when I approach the table and see his smiling face. Nothing ever bothers me when I’m with him. He’s like a safety blanket that brings me calm and happiness no matter what’s going on.

“Hey, beautiful,” Jimin says as I sit across from him at the table. “What’s all of this?”

“My mom said she promised your mom a pie so she had me bring you two,” I chuckle.

“Nice. Thanks! And what else did you bring me?” He asks with a big smile looking at the gift bag I have.

“It’s nothing,” I say. “Just something for this really cute guy I know.”

“Is he cuter than me?”

“No one is cuter than you, babe.”

We exchange a few more cheesy lines before finally exchanging our gifts. He opens his first and smiles brightly at the sunglasses and beret. I live for the highly amused giggle he unleashes when he sees the cute baby chick socks.

“Now your turn,” he says with excitement. “Seeing what you got me now I wish I was able to get you something more, but I hope you like it.”

“You could give me a tree branch and I’d be happy.” I mean that. He doesn’t have to give me anything at all, I just enjoy him. His time and his presence are all I need.

I open the small box he presented to me and I’m in awe. Inside is a beautiful silver charm bracelet adorned with three adorable charms. One is a camera, another is a cat, and the last charm is a small bottle.

“It’s gorgeous,” I say pulling the bracelet out of the box to inspect it closer. “But…what’s the bottle for?”

“It’s a soju bottle,” he says. “A reminder of the first night we kissed.”

“Jimin, babe, I love it so much.” It’s not only beautiful, but each piece has meaning and that makes it even more special.

“Let me put it on you.” He grabs my arm from across the table and fastens the bracelet to my wrist. I may never take the thing off.

We enjoy our lunch together while telling each other how things went yesterday. I told him all about Ryan asking me for money and how things get more and more uneasy each day. I feel bad for airing out all of my frustrations and anxieties to him, but he never complains. He listens intently and each time I apologize for going on too much he tells me I have nothing to apologize for.

Knowing that I’m in no rush to go home after we’re done eating we decide to go sit in my car and continue chatting. Actually, we sit in the back seat and do more kissing and cuddling than talking. Either way there’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.

Unfortunately we can’t stay here forever. It begins getting late so we both go our separate ways to have dinner with our families. He’s much more happy about his family dinner than I am mine. I even try begging him to let me have dinner at his place. He laughed it off and vowed to see me tomorrow, but I don’t think he understands how serious I am about not wanting to go home.

My safe place isn’t safe. He’s my safe place now and it makes my heart feel heavy when I have to leave my safe place to go home to a battlefield. My only other safe place is my apartment 2 hours away. I feel trapped and alone here when Ryan is around.

After sitting in my car in front of the house for 30 minutes, I finally gather the strength to take myself inside. I’m sure dinner is ready by now and my parents are waiting for me. I’m going in for them.

“Perfect timing,” my dad says as I walk through the door. “Dinner’s ready.”

“Oh, great,” I say trying to force a bit of enthusiasm.

As usual things at the dinner table are quiet and awkward. I can barely eat my food because I feel like I’m going to throw up. I hate this feeling. This feeling of having to use every ounce of strength in me to not fall apart. It’s exhausting and I’ve been feeling the physical effects of the stress more and more each day.

“Mina!” My mom says suddenly perking up. “What’s this?” She reaches across the table and brings my hand closer to her as she inspects the bracelet adorning my wrist.

“It’s the gift Jimin got me,” I say with a proud smile. The first smile I’ve cracked since I stepped in the door.

“It’s gorgeous, Mina! He did a good job. Look!” She pulls my arm closer to my dad to give him a look.

“Oh yeah, that looks really nice,” my dad says taking a quick look and smiling. There’s an entire world of other things he cares about more than jewelry, but he always humors us as long as we’re happy.

“Here we fucking go,” Ryan says annoyed.

“Don’t start,” my dad says under his breath.

“Did you give him the pies?” My mom asks trying to ignore Ryan’s comment.

“Yeah,” I say hoping this method works. “He said thanks and of course his mom will clean the containers out and get them back to you.”

“Of course,” she chuckles. “We’ve been passing the same containers back and forth for a few years now, I wish she would just keep them.”

“You two can’t be fucking serious right now,” Ryan says ignoring my dads warning. “I’ve heard more about this kid and his family than anything else. But when I say we need a little help getting on our feet Princess Mina tells me she doesn’t have anything, but comes back with some fancy little bracelet. Maybe ask your boyfriend for some money!”

“Ryan,” my dad growls.

“I’m not going to ask my boyfriend for money just to give it to you! All you’re going to do is spend it on booze and other bullshit! Maybe stop being useless for once and keep a job for more than two weeks!” The words fly out of my mouth faster than I can think. I’ve been holding everything in and it’s starting to spill out. I know I just poked a bear and instantly regret saying that. Now I know this can only get worse and my heart is beating terribly fast.

“You fucking bitch!” Ryan yells jumping out of his chair.

“Ryan!” My dad yells doing the same.

“No!” Ryan shouts. “You both always cater to her and kiss her ass all the time! You two never fucking cared about me! You don’t even care about your own grandchild! Your own fucking flesh and blood!”

“Did we not tell you you could stay here RENT FREE!” My mom yells. This is bad. When my mom starts yelling things are really bad. “We feed you and house you and don’t ask you for a thing!”

I feel like I’m losing oxygen despite how hard I’m trying to maintain a steady breathing pattern. My chest is getting tighter and tighter. At this point Keri and I are the only ones that haven’t gotten out of our seats. When I look over at her she gives me a shrug as if this is something that doesn’t bother her. I mouth to her asking if she’s ok and she gives me a smile and nods. What is she?

“If you can’t even be thankful enough for that,” my mom continues. “Then we can just as easily put you out!”

“Oh of course!” Ryan yells sarcastically. “You’re always trying to put me out for every little thing! But Mina can be here doing nothing but fucking her little boyfriend but you never want to threaten to throw her out!”

“Mina doesn’t bring trouble every time she’s here!” My dad yells with fire in his eyes.

“Right I forgot I’m always the trouble maker. I’m trying to get myself together so we can have a good life for our baby but all you people do is try to keep me down!”

“Have you been drinking?” My mom asks.

“Now this shit? You always accuse me of drinking!”

“Because you always are!” I yell still struggling with my heart rate.

“What do you fucking know!” Ryan says beginning to lunge towards me.

I get out of my seat on shaky legs but my dad grabs Ryan by the collar stopping him in his tracks.

“You fucking smell like booze!” My dad yells. “We told you we wouldn’t let you stay here if you started that shit again!”

I can’t feel my fingers. My legs are barely holding me up. Ryan is trying to convince my dad that he hasn’t been drinking, then trying to make them feel guilty about kicking them out when Keri “needs to rest” until the baby comes. It’s all too much.

“Are you going to put us out on the streets?” Ryan asks. “Are you going to have your grandchild born in the streets because you only care about Mina and her perfect little boyfriend?!”

“Jimin has nothing to do with you and your bullshit!” I yell using my last ounce of strength to defend my boyfriend. I’m sick and tired of him dragging Jimin’s name through the mud like this. I stand there with my fists clinched daring him to say something else.

“Why don’t you invite him over and I’ll fuck up that other leg of his. I bet he won’t be perfect then!”

Without a second thought I grab my plate and launch it right at his face. I don’t even give him a chance to react before I’m running out the door to the sound of my dad telling him he deserved it.

I jump in my car and drive off. Where am I going? I don’t know. I can’t feel my hands or feet. My entire body is trembling as I try my best to control my car. I can barely see straight and I decide to pull off into an empty parking lot to try to get myself together.

“Breathe,” I repeat to myself over and over again. “Breathe.”

I’m breathing. I’m not breathing. I think my heart rate is starting to slow down. My heart rate is increasing. I need air.

I open my car door and step out hoping the fresh air will help. My legs are still a bit shaky and weak so I lean my back against my car for some stability.

“I can’t do this,” I say to myself.

[Me]: I need you

[Me]: I need you so bad right now

[Me]: I feel like I can’t breathe

I send Jimin a string of texts along with my location. It’s only been about 2 hours since we parted ways earlier, but he’s all I feel like I have to put my mind at ease.

Actually now that I think of it he’s probably having dinner with his family. I instantly feel guilty and selfish for texting him in my panic expecting him to come to me when he’s spending time with his family.

The weight of everything is suddenly crushing me. My legs finally give out and I slide down the side of my car to the ground. I feel lost and alone and trapped. I don’t know where to go or what to do. Should I just leave and go back to my apartment? I would still have to go get my things from the house though. I really don’t want to think about going back there as long as Ryan is there.

My tears begin escaping my eyes and burning their way down my cheeks. My breathing hasn’t gotten any more stable and my heart feels like it’s going to explode right out of my chest. I’m crying and wheezing and my vision is fading again.

“Mina? Mina! Are you ok??” I look up to see Jimin running to me.

I try to speak but no sound comes out. All I can do is continue crying as he sits next to me holding me tightly.

“It’s ok,” he says. “I’m here now. It’s ok.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. For what I’m not sure. I just feel like I need to apologize for something. Maybe for calling him out here like this, or for once again letting Ryan get under my skin, or for leaving my parents to clean up the mess I made before running out of the house.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Jimin says gently. “Just breathe, I got you.”

I nestle my head into his chest and take a few deep breaths. His scent is light and soothing. I’ve grown familiar with the way he smells, the shampoo and body wash he uses, I always love it. It covers me in a veil of security, while his embrace eases my tremors. His voice reminding me that he’s here gradually clears the fog of panic in my mind and brings me back to earth.

He continues holding me and reassuring me for a few more minutes until I’m able to calm back down. I’m able to breathe a bit lighter and the tightness in my chest is fading.

“Are you ok?” He asks again.

“I am now. Thank you.”

“What happened?” He asks drying my face with his sleeve.

“We had a big fight. Everyone was fighting. Everyone was yelling. I threw my plate at Ryan and ran out. I can’t go back there,” I say looking up at him with despair in my eyes.

I can tell he’s not sure what to say, but he continues holding me and that’s all I really need right now. He kisses my forehead and let’s me take my time to get myself together.

“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I’m sorry for calling you away from your family like this.”

“I told you, you don’t need to be sorry,” he says. “I’m always going to be here for you so you can call me anytime.”

“I just couldn’t take it anymore. Ever since he got here I’ve been on edge. It just all boiled over tonight, but he kept pushing me!”

“I know,” Jimin says softly. “Do you want to sit in the car so you can get off the cold ground?”

I nod allowing him to help me to my feet. I had been so deep in my anxiety that I forgot thot I was even sitting on the hard parking lot concrete. He gets me into the back seat of my car and before getting in after he quickly runs to his car and returns with a bottle of water.

“Take a sip,” he says sitting in next to me and shutting the door. “I just want you to take it easy right now, ok?”

I nod again taking a sip from the bottle. I realize my throat is painfully dry, I’m sure from all of the yelling and crying. Jimin rubs soft circles into my back giving me a light massage.

A bit of time passes of us not saying much at all. He continues giving me his comforting touch and I keep sipping water and taking deep breaths. Every once in a while he’ll give me a light kiss on the forehead and continue reminding me that everything is ok.

“I don’t know what to do,” I say after a while.

“What can you do?” He asks. “It’s late, where could you go right now that would make you feel safe?”

“I don’t know,” I sigh. “Maybe I could sleep here in my car?”

“No,” he says quickly. “That’s not safe at all, I don’t want you sleeping in a parking lot.”

“Then I’ll go back to my apartment.”

“That’s a long drive.” He looks at me worried and I know he’s not exactly a fan of me driving two hours in the middle of the night.

“I can’t go back to that house, Jimin. I just can’t.”

“You need some rest before making that drive though. At least go back to get a little sleep then maybe leave early in the morning? You’ve been all worked up and crying, I don’t want you falling asleep or losing focus while you’re driving.”

“I know,” I whisper defeated. He’s right, I’m running on fumes at this point, and I haven’t even had much to eat either. Driving would be a bit of a risk right now.

Instead he stays with me until I feel good enough to go back to the house. I mean I don’t feel good about going at all, but I figure if I wait a few hours maybe everyone will be asleep, or at least in their rooms so I won’t have to face anyone when I go inside. Jimin is such an angel for staying with me deep into the night. I feel bad but every time I tell him he can go home he insists on staying by my side, which he did right up until he saw me drive out of the parking lot.

I take a few deep breaths before getting out of my car and quietly entering the house. All the lights are off which is a relief, it’s 1 am so everyone should be sleep.

I get to my room quietly closing the door behind me and lay across my bed. I just need to close my eyes and try to get a little rest. Tomorrow I’ll pack my things and leave, I just can’t stay here another day.

About 5 minutes after I close my eyes I start to hear voices. I think I’m losing my mind until I realize those voices are coming from Ryan’s room. I don’t know what he could possibly be doing at this hour, but he’s likely drunk and that’s the last thing I want to be around.

I wait hoping he stops, but his voice only gets louder and more angry. My anxiety starts to shoot up again when I hear him walk out of his room growling obscenities. I’m back on guard and jump out of the bed preparing for anything to happen. I start to panic when I hear his steps getting closer to my door and the only thing I can think to do is hide in my closet.

He forces his way into my room yelling incoherently and throwing my stuff around. He’s probably looking for money or something he can sell. Wouldn’t be the first time. He spends a few more minutes going through my stuff before he calls me a bitch and slams my door behind him.

When I feel the coast is clear I run out of my closet and begin throwing all of my things in my bags. I’m not going to make it through the night. I quickly scribble a note to my parents apologizing for everything and telling them I can’t stay while he’s here. When it seems safe I scurry out of my room with my bags, slip the note under their bedroom door and quickly go out to my car.

I send Jimin a quick text telling him I’m going back to my apartment. I apologize to him because I know he doesn’t want me driving this late, but I feel I have no choice.

I take one big breath and pull out of the driveway without looking back.

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bangwoolofbangtan · 4 years ago

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INTERVIEW

Jimin “I was a person who wanted to be loved”

BTS 'BE' comeback interview

2020.11.23

Jimin often uses the word 'just' when talking. However, after the words he says 'just', there are often words that cannot be thought of without sincerity.

When the tour was held at a Vlive in October, I wore the clothes I was going to wear at the airport.

Jimin: I didn't even realize it, but I think I finally accepted the present reality.

Is it difficult to meet the fans in person?

Jimin: Yes. In the current situation, if we have to show the stage, if we have to play music, we have to think about how to show and listen. At the same time, I felt a lot of closed and closed things open. It's not that tension that you have while going around the tour. So I feel tired easily. But like making a song, I try to do what I can do now.

It seems that the new album'BE' contains the process of trying to organize and move forward.

Jimin: I was in a position to hear about the stories the members wanted to put on the album, but rather than organizing their own minds, it feels like the album that left the current record. I made it by freely talking about people who wanted to overcome, and that when it is difficult, it is difficult.

How did you collect and organize the members' stories while working as a project manager for'BE'?

Jimin: I did it because Kihyung Yoon recommended me as a project manager, but I didn't think I had to lead anything, but I thought I should make it easier for the members to work quickly. Whether it's our own thoughts or our position that the company wants to know. So, I quickly asked for opinions, gathered them up, and put them together, "Oh, how is this opinion come out?" Ask again like this, tell the company if it's okay, and receive and send any songs you made.

How did the members with late opinions rush? (laughs)

Jimin: I always put my name in the chat room, so I gave an answer. Oh, please do it quickly.” I told him to give it to me.

It’s good if the members do it. (Laughs) How did you adjust when you disagree?

Jimin: When we first met and talked for about an hour, we all did it together. If you feel it's hard right now, just write a desperately difficult song, and if you want to give hope, let's work on a hopeful song. So, let's start with the topic. And since we are seven and we are talking about the current situation, let's put one'skit' and put only seven songs, and never put personal songs, so we asked to make something we could do together.

The way I work was also different from my recent albums.

Jimin: There was no talk of anyone playing this song and the others playing that song. Just put the song and say "The person who wants to do this!", "The person who wants to do that!" I was divided like this. So, I was greedy for something, and I thought I wanted to be recognized by the members for my work. It was so fun to be together, so if I made something, I wanted to hear it to the members as soon as possible. By the time it was completed, I even thought that it would be nice if the songs that contained that feeling were well delivered to the fans. There are songs that weren't included, but (laughs) Yes, it was fun.

It is important to hear the song to the fans, but the preparation process is also important.

Jimin: Not long ago, I learned about myself that I didn't know about, but I was a person who wanted to be loved. Looking back, I realized that I was doing this because I really wanted to be loved so much not only through what I do, but also through friends, family relationships, member relationships, and relationships with fans. The actions to protect the relationship with those people were very, very difficult, but I think there was a feeling of pride and the feeling of having something of my own when I was recognized and kept that relationship.

Rather than just receiving love, should we say that it is the satisfaction that comes from the deep trust that comes from each other's efforts to give love?

Jimin: I think I thought about what I had received from many people a little more often than what I did to them. I don't have to do anything to my fans or members, but I felt the appreciation I received from them again. Also, I started to feel what kind of people do not care about me. Rather than staying away from them, I could be less emotional to those reactions. I am able to reach out emotionally to those who care so much about me.

It has become difficult to convey that feeling to fans these days. You have no choice but to deliver it with the works you are presenting. What do you want to convey?

Jimin: When I release an album and shoot a music video, the message is always there, but you don't need to know the message. I hope that I will enjoy the work that I create wonderfully by protecting it without being released, and I want to show the perfect figure that fits it, so I manage and practice.

In that respect, Jimin’s songs and dances seem to be changing a lot. The performances of'Black Swan' and'Dynamite' are completely different, but perhaps because of the changed body line, the consistent feeling conveyed by the dance has become clearer. As a dancer, what do you want to express?

Jimin: I just want you to feel emotions. Whether you're dancing, taking action, or singing, it feels like you just feel how you express this. So, when I receive a lot of monitoring, ask a lot, and search a lot, I think there are bodies that are suitable to convey the emotions I want on stage. Because each person has a different body type. So, at my age, I thought of the best body to express my feelings with my body, so I worked hard on a diet, but these days I have collapsed from that time (laughs).

When dancing in'Dynamite', the line of the body, especially the back, was different from before. The dance line became lighter. How did your changed body affect your dance?

Jimin: When I weighed about 58kg, the fit I wanted came out, so while I was losing about 5kg with a diet, I found what I wanted to show. If you monitor yourself, you can't be objective, but I think it was a little bit of a mood. In the past, I really tried to keep things clean, so there were things that were preventing me from going further without making mistakes than trying new things. By the way, I wanted to make the feeling of really focusing on this song by using the expressions I haven't used while doing'Dynamite'. So, while doing'Dynamite', I try to be sensitive and what should I say? I tried a little bit of form (laughs) and tried a lot of things by just making funny facial expressions. Rather than paying attention to each element, I can focus on the one picture I want to show.

What did you want to show?

Jimin: There are times when we couldn't show us because of Corona 19. In the meantime, I wanted to show that we are holding it all the way, not that we threw it all out. That you keep working hard. However, it seems too hard to be exposed to dancing when I work hard, so in'Dynamite', I smiled lightly with expressions and movements.

How was that possible? It must have been a difficult situation to motivate the whole team.

Jimin: At first, after the spread of Corona 19, I didn't realize it as much as when I ranked No. When it comes to first place, the situation is like this, so it is the first place to report grades on a mobile phone! This is surprising, but it was a bit difficult to feel. Although the members cried each other (laughs), but at first Corona 19 said, "Ah, it will be quiet soon, and we are going on a tour." I did this. Because, this year, we said, “Let’s run for a year even if your body is a little hard. Let’s run and break.” I was in this state, but my Mac really fell out. Even when I heard that this year's performance was difficult, I think my head turned black. I can't think of anything, and that doesn't mean I just take a break. Others are more difficult, but we are working, so I don't know if we should be happy or sad about this. It was very difficult because everything could not be answered.

How did you overcome it?

Jimin: Like in an interview, when someone asks, “What's your goal?”, the members and “My goal is to perform for a long time. Maybe my goal is the biggest one.” That was a message to the members. 'I want to be with you guys for a really long time.' I think those feelings were well communicated to each other. There were a lot of worries that the members would collapse. But first, I think the members laughed and cheered each other up. As the time to talk naturally increases, no matter what happens, if you gather together and talk with a drink, it worked out well.

Why do you want to hold onto the job so far?

Jimin: I really want to purely love this job. If you really look at work as work, only your greed for money will remain, but I never think that the relationship between our fans, ours, and ourselves was formed only by that relationship. However, I think this relationship is bound to collapse because if the body is too hard and the mind becomes impoverished, the work is forced to do so. I was scared of that.

'Byeong' is a song about the members' thoughts on work. How do you accept your work?

Jimin: I think there is such a thing. I don't say I'm coming back to work after my main job of performing and singing. But it's not my job, but if I have a camera in front of me, I say I'm going to work. Singing and performing in front of the fans wasn't just a job, but I've always thought it was something I wanted to do and should do.

Did you write a song for "Bottle"

Jimin: The bridge part. While recording with Poison hyung, there was a part without a melody, should I just say that I did it? I sang it whatever I wanted, but I was told to sing it again. So, "Oh really?" So, "You have to sort out the melody." That's why I wrote that melody.

Other songs of'BE' have that part, but'Byeong' is emotionally something like Korean hip-hop a long time ago.

Jimin: When I heard it, I think I sang it after thinking about it 20 years ago. The whole song was made by HOPE Hyung, and I thought that way, but (laughs) I sang it in a situation with question marks indicating which part the vocals should sing. Then I was completely restrained because I tried to do it my way (laughs), but it was fun.

Did your vocals change while recording? 'BE' As a whole, there were many parts that naturally reveal only the tone.

Jimin: I always sang while drawing pictures about songs, but this time there was no such thing. In particular,'Life Goes On' cannot be said to be my story, but I have no choice but to empathize, so I never thought of'How should I hear my voice?' For that song, I just recorded my floating heart as it was, without any thoughts of telling me any emotions.

' Moment ''Telepathy' is the English name. When I showed the production process through YouTube streaming, the members mentioned telepathy as an idea, but I thought it was a song to the fans. If you talk to your fans telepathy, what do you want to say?

Jimin: There are pretty hearts that people have, but I hope they don't lose them. You mentioned telepathy, but I really think you're sharing telepathy with the fans. Of course, I can't do it perfectly, but I think it feels somehow when I convey my sincerity. That's why I think the fans cheer us on and try to stick with us.

Conversely, is there a story that Jimin wants to hear from his fans?

Jimin: There have always been things that fans have been curious about, and it's'Which part is the most difficult?' I wonder what kind of things are really hard and what kind of things are they enjoying? Since we have our own difficult things, I think,'Is there anyone who can just ask the fans if they are okay?' I hope things get better soon, I want people to endure well, and I want adults to protect them well. Now children can't easily do what they want to do. From a child's point of view, I think they might accept that adults are compelling. So, I want the children to understand that this period ends only when they help each other.

News came out that the Corona 19 vaccine was developed. Maybe you can meet your fans in not far away, what do you want to say to the fans at the scene?

Jimin: Rather than saying... I guess I'll just be looking at each other for quite some time. And if you can say something, I think you'll say you've suffered. And let's get along well in the future.

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