#janus needs to reinforce self care

[naminethewriter]

Order

Loceit Week, here I come! I’m being very spontaneous with this, so we’ll see how it goes 😉💛💙 @loceitweek2021

Here on Ao3

Masterpost | Loceit Week Masterpost

Characters: Logan, Janus, Patton & Roman mentioned

Relationships: platonic Loceit

Rating: G

Words: 1,010

Summary:  Logan values order but the library is anything but orderly when Janus arrives on his search for Logan.

Normally, any realm that Logan had control over would be perfectly organized. He preferred it that way. Efficiency was one of his values and things getting lost in clutter was the least efficient thing there is. So of course Janus expected the library, a storage space for all the knowledge Thomas had acquired over the years, to be as clean and organized as it always was. However, once he made it through the big double doors, he was greeted by stacks of books all around the space and many shelves either half- or entirely empty.

Logan sat in the middle of the room, at one of the reading tables, typing away at his laptop though he regularly stopped to check over a book to his left until nodding, moving it onto a pile on the right and grabbing another book from another stack to his left. Janus watched this process for a few minutes before clearing his throat and stepping towards the logical side.

 “Logan, dear. What are you doing? It doesn’t look like a complete mess in here.” Logan’s head shot up and now Janus could see how frazzled he looked. Logan stared at him a few moments before his brain seemed to catch up to what Janus had said.

 “Oh-“ He took a look around. “-I guess it has gotten a bit chaotic in here, my apologies.” Janus held up his hands in a placating manner.

 “Don’t apologize, it is no issue of mine. I was just… surprised considering your usual care for order.”

 “Ah, yes, I see where the confusion originated from.” Logan nodded and rightened his glasses. “While this may seem to be chaos, it actually serves the purpose of me having an easier time to organize.” Janus lifted an eyebrow.

 “Of course. That is definitely apparent.”

 “You see,” Logan continued without acknowledging the interruption, “I am currently cataloging these books in a digital Format, so I – or anyone else for that matter – can look up the book they are looking for and identify it on the characteristics defined in the catalog.” Janus took a seat across from him, folded his hands and leaned his head closer.

 “And you are doing that instead of using your perfectly reliable previous system, why? Considering how many books there are I find it hard to believe that you have the time to do this next to your usual commitments for Thomas’ well-being as well as take the time for yourself that you need.” Logan crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

 “What are you insinuating, Janus?”

 “That it is uncharacteristic for you to do such a major reconstruction of your usual habits and routines without some sort of prompt.” He smiled in a way that would seem kind to anyone who didn’t know him well enough. Logan could instead see the challenge within.

 “Contrary to what you seem to believe, this is a project that I wanted to get around to for a while. My organization system before was efficient but still held too much room for failure. This method will be much more secure.”

 “Oh, I’m sure it is. Still, this came a bit sudden. There is no unanticipated break for Thomas, your timing is questionable. As we both are sure to agree, this is a massive undertaking and as sure as I am that you would consider organization a hobby of yours, you are aware that you technically do not have any more time than usual to do this, so why did you make the decision to start this project right now and work on it through dinner?” Logan quickly glanced at the clock on his computer screen. Indeed, it was past dinner time. That explained Janus sudden interest in Logan’s activity. He swallowed.

 “I apologize, I lost track of time.”

 “I know that Logan, I’d rather you answered my question,” Janus said, a hint of coldness in his voice. Logan sighed.

 “A few weeks back, Thomas encountered a certain trend of people organizing their bookshelves based on the colour of the cover rather than the contents. Since then Roman and Patton have been pestering me to let them use that method here in the library as well, because – and I quote – ‘It would look so pretty!’ and ‘It’s all about the aesthetic, nerd!’”

 “I see,” Janus hummed. “And I presume they have annoyed you into giving in?”

 “Even I only have so much patience for foolishness. However, considering that I would not be able to follow this new system effectively, I decided to use this opportunity to install my digital catalogue and then let them- “ Logan pulled out one of his vocabulary cards. “-‘go wild’ once I was done.”

 “And how far have you come?”

 “I have finished with the non-fiction books and am currently working on the fantasy section,” Logan explained while holding up the last book he was working on. Janus nodded.

 “Alright.” He summoned his laptop. “I will help you finish that section and afterword you will eat and take the remainder of the day off to do something more relaxing.”

 “This is-“ Logan tried to protest weakly, but Janus cut him off.

 “I’m sure it is, however staring at the screen for so long is straining on your eyes and I’m sure you still have many more books on your reading list that you should get to as well, correct?” Now Janus’ smile had morphed more into a satisfied smirk. Logan huffed.

 “You are not wrong. Very well, I accept your terms.”

 “Of course, you definitely had a choice,” Janus chuckled before securing his own stack of books to work through and receiving access to the databank from Logan.

 “Thank you, Janus. I truly appreciate your help,” Logan said, over both their laptops. Janus gave him a genuine smile.

 “My pleasure. I do use this library; it would be beneficial for me as well if I could continue to find what I’m looking for. And I look forward to spending more time with you.” Logan blushed and ducked his head back down.

[douxie-casperan]

Rise of the Titans and the assassination Hisirdoux Casperan’s character development

I’ve been ranting so much since Wednesday morning that I finally condensed by thoughts of WHY this one subject keeps setting me off namely the utterly diabolical way they handled Douxie and Archie’s relationship in Rise of the Titans and how it wasn’t just enough to hit him with the nerf bat.

Please note I’m at the point where I literally cannot tell the difference between Aaron headcanons, Teny headcanons and my own they are all mixed together in the blender that does funky things. I also apologise for typo/weird wording it’s half 1 in the morning and I’d rather sleep than edit.

~

If asked to sum up Hisirdoux Casperan there are certainly several things that come to mind:

Sees the value in people as a whole and will find do anything if there is a chance of help someone out

Prefers tactics that disable/banish rather than kill an enemy yet willing and able to pull the trigger if circumstances become forced

While not academically inclined he is very capable of thinking on his feet and outside the box calling back to his time on the streets where a split-second decision making is the difference between being caught and not

Terrible at planning he’ll be in there figuring it out as he goes along which is what makes the previous point so vital to literally how he goes through life

A natural charmer that would let him talk his way out of trouble 9/10 providing a perfect cover for his distrustful nature and reluctance to be touched by random people

Very down to earth, humble and never one to brag unless outright sassing someone

Will bang out some hot tunes at the drop of a hat, his love of music has never wavered once since he caught the bug despite instrument hopping ironically becoming a jack of all trades much like his magic style

The earliest memories he can recall are him as a young boy lost in the woods where he was for an unknown amount of time before his soon to be familiar finds him amongst the roots covered in dirt and drying tears, there is nothing before that. Unbeknownst to him is the colour of his magic matches the blue of a lost mother’s eyes and the song that haunts his nightmares as much as fire could well be hers though there is no way to be sure. From that moment on Archibald, shortened to Archie, would become his entire world and their friendship only becoming closer during the years they prowled Camelot together trying to keep themselves in one piece until the fateful day Douxie tricks the wrong person leading him straight into the path of the famous wizard Merlin Ambrosius.

It's no real secret that Merlin is a very closed off person who keeps his emotions as well guarded as his secrets, prefers the style of negative reinforcement over positive encouragement and is a very strict perfectionist in his. At this point in his life he can be very easily described as a disaster that is genuinely doing his best with every little mistake held of his head and his future self when brought back to that time period is belittled by Lancelot (Errand boy) and Arthur (Boy) too meaning it’s hardly a wonder his confidence was very fragile revelling in the times where he could do things without being told off for it. With Morgana largely ignoring him too (Though personally I like to think as he got older she’d occasionally take an interest until the blistering arguments with their master started to talk over daily life) a certain disguised dragon would have remained a lifeline and give that physical affection he craved much like being told he’d done well never seemed able to earn.

With Killahead he’d lose that home and family he made leaving just the two of them behind struggling to figure out their place in the world that had abandoned them.

There wouldn’t have been the words for it back then but the way he had been treated prior was outright abusive instilling very bad habits into Douxie yet by irony he was always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and help those in trouble without thinking earning a reputation as the Shepard of Fire. He refused to become like him seeking to be better, perhaps not as a wizard (Even though he was learning new charms and spells along the way) but certainly as a person. Despite everything he suffers through or witnesses in the intervening years, the loss of friends and kindling of far newer ones he never loses his good heart 

That said is it any wonder that after rightfully sassing Merlin for resurfacing, ignoring his existence despite being in the same town and only visiting him to run a finding errand that all the confidence he’d managed to build completely from scratch after Camelot wavered causing him to fall back solely into trying impressing his old Master who was acting like his humble apprentice must have coasted the past few centuries who himself fell back into old habits of belittling? It’s only when Merlin started to truly listen and acknowledge that this was not the same Moppet he once knew after Excalibur was fixed that their relationship finally started to become more like equals. After the defeat of Janus the changeling that broke into the castle he touched Douxie’s shoulder with a genuine smile and for a second he simply didn’t know what to do because the old man never did this before his brain kicked into gear and realised he’d finally earned that one thing he’d been so desperate for his entire life: That in Merlin’s eyes he could be more than a failure who only caused problems for the closest thing to a father figure he’d ever had, never solved them.

A staff will be earned, history would be set back on trap by banishing Morgana tag teaming with Archie because they know one another inside and out, as promised he’d get the kids back to the present but soon after things would go badly wrong. They’d lose Jim and because of his very nature he’d make a gamble to try and get him back because that life is worth trying for just for in a moment of surprising selflessness Merlin would be sacrificed to save him. The only constant in his life apart from Archie would apologise, openly express pride and how the greatest thing he’d ever done was saving this orphan, call him son for the first and final time before turning into ash in his arms. There would be no time to grieve for things will barrel into the crescendo of Douxie sacrificing his own life to buy everyone time to escape because if they did that everything he’d ever done would be worth it with one last whispered goodbye.

(Zoe sees him fall, so does Archie – His heart would break if he was conscious just like theirs does when his body crumples into the ground)

On the very fringes of the Light Realm he is gifted one more conversation with Merlin in a truly heart-breaking sequence (THANKS TENY) where they can just talk without any fear of consequence or politics and just be completely honest. Douxie is allowed to stand equal to Merlin, to have the hug he’d needed since he was a child and be allowed to simply let go of every pretense and cry his heart out because this can never happen again. He’s allowed to say goodbye to both his master and Morgana who had both shaped so very much of his life but like the painting he’d always remained firmly in the long shadows of until that moment.

When Hisirdoux Casperan finally leaves Wizards if we just accidently deliberately put the shawarma back in along with checking in with Zoe before departure, it is with having learned to live during his wandering years but this is the point of true freedom because he can finally escape into his own light with Archie by his side to keep Nari out of the hands of those that would see the world harmed. It won’t be easy but it feels possible somehow even with the knowledge everything is simply running on borrowed time.

Then Rise of the Titans happens.

At first everything is genuinely fine! No more running, they engineer a solution shut the Order’s magic down to make them a lot less dangerous and potentially at least incapacitate them until they can come up with a longer-term solution but all the best laid plans and all that. Douxie’s quick thinking stops the train from crushing any of the people below and it’s a very him style move to switch places with Nari to stall for time because for some reason the plot disabled Claire from portaling her or any of the threatened people/heroes to safety. He openly sasses the Order despite knowing the consequences will be bad for him because once again he’s managed to trick them, buy time that at the other end isn’t even slightly utilised until he’s forced back into his own body in excruciating pain. Archie immediately mobs him with comfort just as he has done every single time the wizard is distressed or collapsed with exhaustion without thinking because that is what their bond is like, incredibly close and far more than the Soul Bond mark that connects them together. They’re very alike in that regard, you have to earn the right to touch while equally knowing exactly what form the other needs the most in that precise moment in a way very few others could.

Bar the moment of figuring out that an illusion is in place to hide where the Order is opening the Genesis Seals and the brief insistence on reconnecting with Nari somehow Douxie manages to forget everything that makes him who he is after this point choosing to stand in the background being very no thoughts head empty or can only use the most basic spells of his youthful days not the seasoned master wizard he should be. Nomura is treated like an innocent slip rather than an outright death he did absolutely nothing to prevent (Not to mention the stupid daytime thing) nor seems to care particularly about afterwards yet with Nari’s he’s allowed to openly grieve in a gorgeously animated visual showing how he’d failed to keep her safe despite everything. He did nothing to help here either mind despite allowing himself to be tortured in the same piece of media to keep her safe, just watched another loss happen right in front of his eyes in his conga long line of them.

Then there’s Archie, oh god then there was Archie.

The dragon who even here he’d been shown to have an incredibly close bond with him decides you know what sod that tell him goodbye I’m going to make a joke about having a kingdom now dad and me are trapped in here forever. Douxie on his part looked sad for all of three seconds saying that he hoped he’s happy like it's a pet that wandered out into the world one day and never came back instead of a lifelong companion that has been there for as long as he can remember. He was now completely alone in the world since Zoe was also written out entirely and because every bit of his background had been forgotten about it somehow meant nothing. This wasn’t “I know you miss him, I know you need to grieve but you are running out of time” moment like things had been with Charlie, this was “cool shapeshifting dragon cat is now stuck in a plot hole that’s a shame” with zero pay off or any of the genuine reaction that should have been there or hell even trying to Ohana him back that very second because it never should have happened in the first place. Then even this wasn’t enough somehow, they managed to de-power Douxie even further into uselessness bar the (Admittedly nifty!) sticky feet stunt, the one who fought Skrael and Bellroc to a stalemate was shunted aside with barely a thought and his head would somehow get even emptier.

The one person who knew the danger of time magic the most stood by and said nothing.

The one person who would suffer the most by a reset because the lynchpin to his issues would be asleep if you got it wrong and should have drilled it into Jim’s head the best time to aim for stood by and said nothing.

The one person who had just suffered the loss of his familiar, best friend and only family along with the almost sister like Nari stood by and said nothing.

Then to add further insult to injury the caption when Douxie and Archie is shown says Some go their entire lives living an existence of quiet desperation because every drop of his character growth, his ability to finally start addressing his trauma instilled back in the 12th century, the staff he longed for was instead openly mocked by going “Aww he got his cat friend back how nice!” Everything he’d rightfully earned and had now would be unable to progress until certain criteria are met because it hinges entirely on the Trollhunter going to Merlin’s tomb and there’s only so much your support network of two (One if she’s written out) can do, the root of the majority of his issues all stem from one man.

And this folks is why I’ve been going on multiple rants about Douxie in particular, everyone was hit with the out of character bat to some degree in this film but when they came for him they didn’t just stop after they took his legs out because they wanted him to suffer from something he’s never had any control over to begin with all over again. Abuse survivors deserve better, these characters deserve better and we as viewers deserve far far better writing than we were forced to endure.

[fangirlwriting-stories]

These Unprecedented Times

Chapter One

AO3 Link

Chapter Two: Escapism

Janus was not surprised to find five other sides staring at him when he returned to the Mindscape.  He tried to decide what to say for half a second before Virgil got there first.

“What the fuck?”

“Language,” Patton scolded.

“No, seriously, how did you do that?” Virgil asked, stepping forwards.  “What did you do?”

“I… don’t know,” Janus admitted.  “I just felt a tug, and I knew Thomas needed me, so I went to him.”

“Well, can you go back?” Virgil asked.

Janus took a moment to assess the question.  “It feels like it.”

“What do you mean it feels like it?”

“Yes, I would like some clarification as to what that means as well,” Logan said, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know, I just… hang on.”  Janus took a moment and thought about Thomas, and then suddenly he was back in Thomas’ bathroom, where the man in question was brushing his teeth.

Thomas turned to him in surprise.  “Uh, was there something else?”

“No, just testing something.  Carry on,” Janus said, waving as he headed back to the Mindscape again.

No one had moved, and as soon as he appeared everyone went back to staring at him again.

“Yes,” Janus said.  “I can go back.”

There was another moment of stunned silence.

“We can talk to Thomathy now?” Remus exclaimed suddenly.  He started running towards Janus.  “Oh, my turn, my turn!”

“No,” Janus said firmly, catching him by the arms.  “You talk to him when I say you can talk to him.”  Remus pulled out of his grip a second later and ran past him.

“Well, that’s not very fair, kiddo,” Patton said, crossing his arms.  “We should all get a chance to talk to Thomas.”

“And you will,” Janus said.  “Eventually.  But I don’t know if Thomas is ready to meet any of you, and it seems to be up to me.”

“What brings you to that conclusion?” Logan asked.

“The fact that Remus is still here.”

Everyone looked over at Remus, who was currently hanging off the ceiling and trying to bang a hole to Thomas through the wall.

“You know, that’s fair,” Virgil muttered.

“So who are you letting see Thomas?” Patton asked warily.

“Right now, no one.  Everyone needs to go to bed.  We can discuss things tomorrow if you all have points you want to make.”  Patton didn’t look happy with that idea, but Janus didn’t particularly care at the moment.  “I’ll see you all at breakfast tomorrow, goodnight,” Janus said, and he walked away, marking the end of the conversation.

He hung out in his doorway for half a second to confirm that everyone was actually going to bed, and everyone was at least moving that direction.  Except for Virgil, who was moving towards him.  And as soon as Remus noticed him doing that, he hopped down from the ceiling and did the same.

“So… what does this mean?” Virgil asked.

Janus sighed.  “I don’t know,” he admitted.  Virgil and Remus exchanged a glance, and even Remus wasn’t grinning.

“Do you think this is a bad thing?” Virgil asked.

“I don’t think so,” Janus said.  “If Thomas summoned me because he needed me, that doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”

“Oh, he needed you, huh?”

Janus sighed.  “Remus, get your head out of the gutter.”

“Do you think he’ll need me next?”

“Remus.”

“We do get to talk to him soon though, right?” Virgil asked, looking away from Remus.

“You’ll get to talk to him,” Janus said.  “But I don’t know who I’m going to send in next.  I really don’t want to make things worse than they are, and no offense, but I don’t think that makes either of you the right choice.”

“Why not?  I think we both do an excellent job of convincing Thomas that he’s going to get sick with COVID and die,” Remus said with a proud nod.

“Yes, and that’s precisely what I mean, thank you for demonstrating.”

“Yeah, alright,” Virgil muttered, not looking happy.

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Janus said, nudging his arm.  “I’m not going to fault you for being anxious or hyperfocused.  I just think we might want to send someone else first.”

“Like who?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know yet.  I’m going to figure that out after a long night of sleep.  Which you two should also be doing.”

“Okay, but, here me out…” Remus said, starting to grin.

Janus grew wary, looking up at the ceiling.  “What?”

“Celebratory We-Can-Talk-To-Thomas-Now-For-Some-Reason Sleepover?”

Janus looked at Remus again, bouncing in place.  He sighed.  “Alright.”

Remus cheered, and zipped off to his bedroom to grab his pajamas.

“You think you can manage to get him not to scream all night?” Virgil asked.

“I’ll do my best.”

Virgil hummed in acknowledgement.  “Alright.  I’ll be back,” he said, and wandered off towards his own room.  Janus headed back inside his own and got ready for his room to be a complete mess in the morning.

…

Janus didn’t have a habit of waking up early, but when Remus stayed in his room, he usually got woken up multiple times throughout the night due to snoring, so around 7 Janus gave up and headed for the kitchen.

Patton was already there, making coffee and waffles for everyone.

“Good morning, Patton,” Janus mumbled, rubbing at his eyes as he moved to sit at the table for a moment.  He’d get up and help Patton in a moment.

“Boy, you sound pretty beat,” Patton said.

“Sleepover with Remus and Virgil,” Janus muttered.  “Doesn’t tend to leave one refreshed.”

“Oh boy.  You want some coffee?”

Janus considered the question.  “That would be nice, actually, thank you.”

“Sure thing.”  Patton poured some into a mug and set it in front of Janus, who gratefully took a couple sips.

“So, that was something yesterday, huh?” Patton said.

“Yes,” Janus said, admittedly still a little unable to wrap his head around it.

“What’s Thomas like?” Patton asked, looking over his shoulder.

Janus gave him a curious look.  “You know what Thomas is like.”

“No, I mean… what’s he like with his sides?  Or with just you for now, I guess.”

“I think mostly confused,” Janus said.  “He’s just as surprised as we are that this happened.  Or, actually, probably more surprised, since he didn’t know we existed.”

“Hmm,” Patton said, still looking uncomfortable.  “So… are you gonna let him meet Virgil or Remus first?”

Janus narrowed his eyes.  “Actually,” he said, partly because Patton’s assumption annoyed him and partly because what he was going to say was true.  “I was thinking Roman.”

Patton looked up in surprise.  “What?  Really?”

Janus nodded.  “Virgil and Remus are both hyperfocused on world event stuff right now, which is very much not what Thomas needs.  Logan’s in the same boat with wanting to stay as updated as possible, and you throw him into a guilt spiral every time he tries to think of doing something for himself.”

“Hey,” Patton said, sounding a little offended.  “I’m not—”

“Roman is the only one actually trying to do something constructive,” Janus cut him off.  “As ineffective as trying to come up with video ideas right now has been.  And who knows, maybe Thomas giving him some positive reinforcement will be able to pull him out of his head.”

Roman was the only one who hadn’t had anything at all to say last night, and Janus wasn’t at a loss as to why.  All of the attempts and consequential failures in trying to come up with video ideas couldn’t be doing wonders for Thomas’ ego, and Roman was Thomas’ ego.

Patton was still looking at him strangely at the end of his announcement.  “What?” Janus said.  “I’m going to be putting Thomas first in this, Patton.  Why would you assume I’d do anything different?”

“You’re the one who dragged Remus and Virgil over here,” Patton muttered.  “I figured you had some kind of agenda.”

“Yes, to try and get us all to work together while Thomas was being a mess and refusing to help himself in any way.  I had to try something different.  And it seems to be working,” Janus said, gesturing around.  “I’m not going to make Virgil and Remus and I the priority if it risks ruining that again.  Do you really think that little of me?”

“I don’t—” Patton sighed.  “It’s just surprising, is all.”

“Fine,” Janus said, not really believing that.  “I’m going to go talk to Roman before breakfast.  I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Good luck,” Patton said quietly.  Yeah, everyone knew Roman wasn’t doing too well.

Janus wasn’t expecting an answer immediately when he knocked on Roman’s door, but after a couple minutes he was forced to knock again.

“Roman?” he called.  “Are you still sleeping?”

Finally, the door opened.  “I was,” Roman muttered, rubbing at his eyes.  “Can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like you to come speak to Thomas today.”

Roman blinked as he seemingly tried to process that.  “Did you introduce everyone else already?” he asked.

“No.  I think you should be the next to speak with him.”

Roman’s eyes widened in sudden panic.  “No, no no,” he said.  “That’s a horrible idea!  I don’t have any ideas prepared.  I don’t have any ideas at all!  I’m not camera ready, I’m not emotionally ready, I— I’m not good enough, Janus!”

“Roman.”  Janus reached out and put his hands on Roman’s shoulders.  “Roman, look at me.”

Roman did.

“You are good enough.  I promise.  I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t think you were the best side for this, okay?  I think talking to Thomas will do you both some good.  You could have a brainstorming session, or you could explain what you are, or you could just talk.  This isn’t as high stakes as you think it is.”

Roman stared at him.  “I’m meeting Thomas.”

Janus smiled in amusement.  “Yes.  And he’ll be happy to meet you.”

“He’ll be happy to meet the failure I’ve been lately?”

“Roman.  You are not a failure.  No one thinks you’re a failure.  It’s going to be fine.”  Janus thought for a minute.  “Would it make you feel better if we spend the morning getting you camera ready first?”

Roman brightened.  “Oh, uh, well.  Maybe.”

Janus started smiling again.  “Great.  Then let’s see what we can do in terms of a makeover.”

…

Thomas couldn’t necessarily say he was surprised to see Self-Interest again, but he definitely wasn’t used to it.  The second he appeared next to him Thomas jumped and nearly dropped his bowl of cereal all over himself.

“Hello, Thomas,” Self-Interest said.  “Careful, that bowl has milk in it.”

“I noticed,” Thomas said, setting the bowl down on the table.  “Good morning.”

“Afternoon.”

“Afternoon?” Thomas asked, looking over at the clock on the wall to see yes, it was in fact far past noon.  He sighed and rubbed his eyes.  “Afternoon,” he repeated.

“It’s alright, Thomas, you needed the rest,” Self-Interest said, stepping closer to the table.  “Can I sit?  I need to talk to you.”

“Yeah.  You don’t have to ask me if you can sit, you know.  You’re part of me, right?  Doesn’t that technically make this your house too?”

“Fair enough,” Self-Interest said as he sat down.  “So, yesterday you said you wanted to meet your sides.”

“Yeah, but you said I wasn’t ready for that or something,” Thomas said, taking a bite of his cereal.

“You’re not ready to meet sides such as Anxiety or Intrusive Thoughts.  But if you’d like to talk to a creative side a little more into escapism, that can be arranged.”

“I have an Escapism side?”

“That is technically his current title, yes.  But he actually has many functions.  He is part of your creativity, specifically the part more tended towards escapism, but he’s also your romance and your ego.  He’s, well.”  Self-Interest cleared his throat.  “As I’m sure you can imagine, he’s not doing so well right now.”

Thomas winced.  “Yeah, that… sounds about right,” he muttered.

“I’m not telling you to pity him, I think he would despise that.  But he’s the one who’s been trying to come up with ideas for you, and he already feels awful about not being able to do it.  So just…”

“Don’t be hard on him.  Got it.”

Self-Interest nodded.  “Thank you.  Should I bring him by?”

“Sure.”

Self-Interest nodded again, and sank back down like he’d done yesterday.  Only after he was gone did Thomas look down at himself and realize he kind of looked like a mess.  He’d met Self-Interest by accident yesterday, but now he’d agreed to meet a new side while wearing pajamas and not having brushed his hair, or teeth, or showered in who knows how long.  Before he could focus too long on that, however, Self-Interest and the new side Escapism appeared.

Escapism himself looked modeled off all of the Disney princes Thomas had seen yesterday, though Thomas also picked up on how nervous he looked.  “Oh,” he said.  “Hi, I’m Thomas.”

“I, er, know,” Escapism said.

“Oh, right, yeah, silly me,” Thomas said, shaking his head a little.  “You’re my Escapism?  Wait, why are you so much prettier than Self-Interest?”

Self-Interest sputtered in surprise.  “Excuse me?  Rude.”

Escapism, on the other hand, was now beaming.  “Well, I am based more directly on you, since I’m your ego,” he said with a proud smile.  “And it’s quite easy to work with such fine material.”

Thomas blinked and looked down at himself again.  “Uh… really?”

“Well, okay, you don’t look so great right now, but you clean up exceptionally well if I do say so myself.  Which I do.”  He smiled wider, and seemed in thought for a minute, before he jumped slightly in place.  “You know what, I’ll prove it to you!  It’s your turn for a makeover!”

“Wait, I thought we were going to brainstorm video ideas since you’re part of my creativity—”

“We were, but I absolutely forbid you to go on camera looking like that unless it’s a ‘before’ shot, and also, we can do both!”  He clapped his hands excitedly at the end of the sentence.  “We always think better when we’re moving anyway!”

“You know, that’s a fair point,” Thomas admitted.

“Of course it is!  Now, first of all, the basics.  Go brush your teeth, we need to get them sparkling!  Also, your mouth will feel less gross!”

“…True,” Thomas said.  He stood up.  “Alright, let’s go.”  He shoved a couple more bites of cereal in his mouth and then left the bowl on the table, following Escapism towards his bathroom.  He saw Self-Interest moving to sit on the couch as they did so, looking much more relaxed than he’d been yesterday, and more than a little relieved.  Clearly he thought Escapism knew what he was doing.

Thomas could trust him too, in that case.  Even if he felt a little weird with someone else watching him brush his teeth.

“Excellent,” Escapism said when he finished.  “That is a marked improvement.  Hair next!  And outfits!”

They headed over to Thomas’ bedroom, where Escapism tried to help Thomas style his hair, but since he could only move Thomas’ right hand, it didn’t end up going too well, and they mostly just ended up laughing at themselves.  On the upside, it continued to bring the mood up, and Thomas eventually managed to brush his hair and end with a state that Escapism approved of.  He put on one of his nicer outfits, because sometimes, as Escapism said, you just needed to dress up nice for yourself, and Thomas did like the way he looked when they finished.

“Next!” Escapism called happily when they finished.  “Lighting!”

“Lighting?” Thomas asked.

“Of course!  This house looks downright depressing right now.  We should aim for something brighter and warmer!”

Thomas gave him a curious look.  “Why?”

“Because if what you see had no impact on how you felt, there would be no point in having entire parts of a crew on lighting alone, now would there?  Or a massive industry in interior design.”

Thomas considered that for a moment, then shrugged.  “Fair enough.”

“We can start with something simple.  Let’s open some windows and turn on some lights around here!”

They ended up doing just that, and Thomas would admit that he did feel somewhat better by the end of it.  By the time they got back to the living room with Self-Interest, Escapism was talking excitedly about how much better that all looked.

“You know, I bet other people could benefit from this kind of thing too!” he said happily.  “What if that’s our next video?  Different ways to care for yourself and make yourself feel better while things aren’t going so great?”

“I’m not sure I have the authority to tell people how to care for themselves right now,” Thomas said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m surprised you think no one else is struggling, Thomas,” Self-Interest said.  “I’m not saying you should display all of the ways your life is a mess right now on camera, but being open about not doing well might help others feel less alone too.”

“Exactly!” Escapism said.  “And we can add things like makeover tips!  Or maybe not, I don’t know, the idea could take some work, but it’s a start!”

“Yeah,” Thomas said, relieved to both finally have an idea and actually be feeling alright for once.

Escapism summoned a notebook and started scribbling things down, still talking a mile a minute.  He was very… loud.  But not necessarily in a bad way.

The rest of the afternoon had a large feeling of hope to it, and after a while Thomas started to get excited too, and ideas began to bounce back and forth between him and Escapism.  And if this was what came with meeting other sides, Thomas was pretty sure he could label this whole “side” thing as a positive change.

Chapter Three

[dukeofonions]

Deceit’s Somewhat Acceptance Arc (And Why It Feels Off)

So I was gonna do the video game post first, but then I remembered I’d started this one before I left for the weekend and decided to finish it. As a result, it’s kinda messy and my thoughts are all over the place, I had to delete and rewrite is several times, but I think I managed to get my overall thoughts there. 

As always, this is just my opinion. You are free to agree, disagree, or feel completely indifferent towards a random person who spends their free time dissecting fictional characters. 

We all good? Let’s go then. 

I won’t lie, Deceit was the best part of this video. I didn’t think he’d be included as much as he was. Originally, I thought he’d be content to lurk in the shadows and let Thomas deal with the repercussions of not heeding him in the first place and leave him to sort through the mess himself without his help. Possibly having a cameo in the end, foreshadowing some major event that’s soon to take place, but I was completely wrong and he got the best freaking entrance and completely owned the episode. 

It was great, seeing him take on his role of self preservation and defend Thomas, who was being harmed unknowingly by Patton with how far he was taking things. He encouraged Thomas to start taking better care of his mental health, was given a seat at the table, and even showed they could trust him by revealing his name: Janus

It was wonderful, beautiful, and I have a lot of issues with this. 

Let me explain, on its own, the whole scene building up to Deceit revealing his name, and the following aftermath, is perfect. 

What feels off to me is Janus himself, he feels like a completely different character compared to the Deceit we met in Can Lying Be Good? and saw in action during Selfishness vs Selflessness 

To start, let’s briefly go over Deceit’s character throughout the first 5 episodes we see him in before we get to POF. 

In his debut, Can Lying Be Good? He spends a majority of the episode disguised as Patton. Pushing Thomas to lie to his friend in order to spare their feelings and to avoid the possibility of Thomas being hurt. He’s shown to enjoy the distress the others are going through as the situation becomes more and more uncomfortable, and even gets close to being aggressive when Thomas decides he needs to be honest in this situation. Once it becomes clear Thomas won’t listen to him as Patton, he drops his act and reveals himself. 

Immediately, we are given the impression that this is not someone we can trust. From the music, to Deceit’s entire demeanor, even the Sides’ reactions to him are enough to enforce that idea, as well as Deceit’s reactions to them. 

With Logan, he immediately silences him, growling almost as if he’s annoyed and has had to do this before. He doesn’t really pay Logan any mind after his reveal and ignores him for the most part and Logan is more than eager to expose him for what he is. 

Roman states that he “Hates this guy and his creepy snake face” while adding that he’s “Very kind” which Deceit responds to by giving him a false compliment. Showing right away that this has also happened before with these two (Logan is about to comment on the exchange but decides not to bother)

Virgil clearly has some deep rooted animosity towards Deceit. With the glare he shoots him and the two immediately throw insults at each other which comes back to play in almost all of their interactions. 

We don’t really get much in terms of what Deceit’s character is really like with this first episode. We know he can be a threatening presence, but also has a bit of a goofier, dorky side to him as well. At this point, we’re not sure what his goals are or what his relationships with the other Sides are like (It’s obvious they all don’t like him) but for a while, this was all we got. 

His next appearance was a brief cameo in Logic vs Passoin where he showed up after Logan exclaimed “I won’t have you lying to yourself!” Where he gave an evil chuckle, flipped Thomas off, then sank out without a word. This still didn’t give us much in regards to Deceit’s character, other than enforcing the fact that he didn’t like Thomas and showing that he had a bit of a mischievous side as well. It did, however, show that Thomas was easily distressed by him and wasn’t entirely on board with having Deceit for a Side yet.

 After that, he disappears for 2 episodes before showing up during the end card of Embarrassing Phases, which is one of my favorite scenes in the series, and one that now causes a bit of problems which I will get back to later. Just note that this scene once again reinforces these things about Deceit: He is a threat, he can’t be trusted, he still has a bit of a goofy side, and on top of that his rivalry with Virgil is expanded upon and the idea that these two have a history is put up front and center. 

Then finally, we get our first official episode that takes all we’ve learned about Deceit and amplifies them in Selfishness vs Selflessness. What we get is a character that can be cool and charismatic, but can also be silly. It’s still unclear what his overall goal is, and he delights in being proved right and winning against the others. 

An interesting thing to note here is that all of the interactions Deceit has with the other Sides in CLBG Come back into play here. 

He ignores Logan and keeps his input limited, he uses flattery on Roman to sway him to his side, and of course him and Virgil still have their rivalry, revealing more and more just how much Virgil hates Deceit. We also finally get to see his relationship with Patton, and see that he seems to hold almost the same amount of animosity towards Deceit as Virgil does. Thomas himself isn’t as frightened by him anymore, and is willing to hear him out, but he still doesn’t trust him. 

Throughout the “trial” Deceit openly mocks the others, discredits them, and when he “wins” he rubs that victory in Thomas’ face and is shown laughing and celebrating while the others are at the lowest they’ve been. Things then take a turn when Roman decides to sentence Thomas to go to the wedding and give up the callback, which clearly distresses Deceit to the point where he nearly has a breakdown due to the others not being able to comprehend what he’s trying to say. Which is basically, selfishness isn’t always a bad thing, which he articulates a lot better in POF, but we’ll get back to that. 

He leaves the episode shortly after Logan shows up, but not before delivering this rather ominous line: “It’s clear you all don’t want to listen to reason (while the embodiment of Thomas’ logic and reasoning is standing right next to him) but hear this: I’ll always be a part of you. I’m not going anywhere, and there are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway.” 

Does that sound like a threat to anyone else? Or is it just me? Keep in mind at this point, everyone is still very much against Deceit, and he clearly is about to change tactics when it comes to dealing with them and getting what he wants. Another important thing to note is that this is the last time Thomas sees and deals with Deceit directly before we get to POF.

I should probably bring up Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts because while Deceit isn’t in the episode, he is mentioned a couple of times by Remus, who implies that it was Deceit himself who’s responsible for sending Remus out to antagonize the others. While this can’t be confirmed, Remus claims that Deceit said “You’re wanting to be more honest and be direct dealing with your issues, no longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you.” 

(Admit it, you all sang that and added the little “Neat!” at the end. If you don’t, I’ll know you’re lying.) 

This shows that Deceit is switching things up and making good on his “promise” that he made at the end of SVS by forcing Thomas to accept yet another part of him that he doesn’t like. One that, by comparison, is much worse than anything Deceit could bring to the table. 

His next actual appearance is another cameo in Are There Healthy Distractions? where all he does is take his hat back from Roman and berates him for it. The only significant thing to happen here is Virgil’s reaction to seeing him, which again, I’ll get back to in a moment. 

This was the last time we saw Deceit for awhile, we were then subjected to a long drought between episodes as people waited to see the aftermath of the wedding that was the main conflict of SVS. Keep in mind again that so far, Deceit has remained relatively the same mysterious, slightly villainous character that we’ve seen throughout his 5 appearances thus far in the series. 

So you can see why some people would be shocked when he suddenly does a complete 180 and is going about promoting mental health while acting silly around Thomas and befriending Patton, the Side he went head to head with during his last main appearance, and is now being offered a seat at the table while showing genuine concern for Thomas and aiming to protect him, which goes to show that he cared all along.

Right?

Uh, yeah, I’m not buying it. 

Well let me clarify, do I think Janus is evil? No. Is it impossible for him to actually care about Thomas? Of course not. 

And do I think it’s possible for him to change from his villainous persona to a more friendly one? Absolutely. 

The problem here is that it doesn’t feel earned. We’ve only had one full episode with Janus before this, and even in the brief appearances we got his character remained consistent throughout them all. It’s almost like there’s a piece of this puzzle missing, and I have a theory as to where it is. 

In short, Janus has not been fully accepted yet. Thomas trusts him, and even Patton does now, but does Roman? Don’t make me laugh. 

Logan? He was once again removed from the discussion by Janus, which is a running theme with these two, so I doubt he’d be quick to accept someone who continuously silences him unless it benefits him. 

And the biggest factor of them all, Virgil. 

He hates Janus, every interaction these two have had is filled with insults, glares, and Virgil becoming more aggressive than he’s ever been towards anyone in the series. 

Just look at him in ATHD, when Janus shows up hardly anyone pays him any mind. Heck, Remus has continuously popped up throughout the episode and no one has batted an eye, not even Virgil. But as soon as Janus shows up he goes feral, hissing at him while Janus pays him no mind. 

What is going on here? 

It’s glaringly obvious that something has happened between these two, something that won’t be easily swept under the rug when it comes up. 

For one thing, just compare Virgil’s relationship with Janus to his relationship with Remus. We see at the beginning of DWIT that, of course, Virgil is hostile towards Remus and hates him, while being distressed by him. The two know each other and seem to have a bit of a history of their own. 

What’s the difference between Remus and Janus? 

Well, Virgil gets over his fear of Remus in just one episode. By the time it ends, he isn’t bothered by Remus anymore and tells him as such. Remus even seems to be kind of fond of him as well. And when Remus appears again in ATHD, Virgil doesn’t acknowledge his presence at all. Yet when Janus shows up just to retrieve his hat from Roman, he goes into fight mode and probably would have attacked if he’d stayed for even a minute longer. 

And if you need further proof, look no further than the end card of Embarrassing Phases and Janus’ parting words to Virgil: “Just be sure to keep up that personal growth Virgil. Who knows? Maybe soon you could be rid of us all.” 

Again, does that not sound like a threat to anyone else? And why would he say that to Virgil? Is he implying that Virgil is trying to escape from them? Actually get rid of them? There’s so much that this could mean in regards to Janus’ character and what his motivations are, but then POF comes around and suddenly this doesn’t line up with his character at all. 

Don’t tell me you could look at Janus at the end of this episode and say that this is the same guy. He’s gone from leaving an episode with a threat: “You’ve seen the last of me” “You could be rid of us all” “There are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway” 

To this: “Take some time for yourself, Thomas.” 

As well as rejoicing in being told he was right and advising Thomas to stop overthinking everything since, as we’ve now seen, it does not help him in the slightest. 

So… What are we missing? What the heck is going on? 

Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again: Janus hasn’t been fully accepted yet. 

Really, only one Side out of the four main Sides has accepted Janus. This Side just happens to be Patton, Thomas’ morality, and the one thing that stood in the way of Janus getting his voice heard. Because as long as Thomas viewed lying as wrong, he’d never listen to him. 

Now that he’s proven that isn’t the case, and that he can help, Patton (and therefore Thomas) no longer sees him as evil. 

But again, Roman, Logan, and Virgil have yet to do so. We know how Roman and Virgil feel about Janus, but we have yet to get Logan’s clear view on him since every time Janus has shown up, he’s been left out of the conversation. Though it’s safe to assume he’d be somewhat bitter about that. 

The main thing is that something has been set up between Virgil and Janus. Something happened to make them enemies and that can’t be ignored, and I believe this will be addressed soon. 

Because if it isn’t, and Janus is accepted immediately by Virgil, then all this would just be explained through bad writing. Which, again, I don’t believe the team is incompetent by any means. However, I do think that this all happened way too fast. 

Let’s look at Virgil for a moment, we got plenty of time to know him throughout season one. We got to see him in more of a villain role, and saw him gradually become closer with the group. We saw hints of him wanting to get along with the others and be a part of them, but ultimately, decided for himself that he was doing more harm than good and so, ducked out. 

We had 12 episodes to get to know Virgil before Accepting Anxiety came out. 12 episodes as opposed to Janus’ 5, two of which were nothing more than brief cameos and one his introduction where he was only truly himself for the ending. 

Really, Janus only had 3 episodes where it was relevant to the plot, and only 1 of those was a full episode, which was immediately followed by him being accepted and acting more like a good guy who just has a bit of a chaotic streak in him as opposed to the mysterious, charismatic Side who works in the background. 

Now, the way I see, there are two ways to justify this sudden change. The first is what I said before, that Janus hasn’t been fully accepted yet and needs to be accepted by Roman, Virgil, and Logan first before this can be achieved. 

And the other thing, which I hate to consider as a possibility, would be that Janus is putting on an act. 

Think about it, Janus realized at the end of SVS that his methods were not working. So he changes his approach, ditching the villain and becoming a hero. He literally appears at the end during a boss battle and puts himself into the role of a protector, defending Thomas from Patton’s harmful behavior. He acts more silly, loosening up, showing genuine care for Thomas. 

Then the biggest red flag, his name reveal. 

As I watched the scene I couldn’t help but find it oddly reminiscent of Virgil’s own name reveal. From the build up, to the delivery, it all felt strangely familiar, almost as if it’d been rehearsed. Manufactured to get the exact reaction from the others (in this case Thomas and Patton) that he wanted. 

Virgil revealing his name was a sign that he trusted the others, and I believe Janus knew this and thus, used it to his advantage. 

And guess what? It worked like a charm. Thomas and Patton immediately began trusting him, Patton even went to him for advice after Roman left. Could you see Patton doing that at the end of SVS? I certainly couldn’t. 

Now I’m not saying this is actually what happened. For all I know, Janus was being completely sincere when he shared his name, and it really was a personal moment. The only reason I have such a hard time accepting it as genuine is because, as I keep saying, none of it matches up with how Janus was before POF. 

Until this point, his character has been consistent and stayed pretty much the same, but now he’s completely changed. And I know it’s normal for characters to grow and change as a story progresses, but again, it just happened way too fast for this character in particular. 

This isn’t helped by the fandom’s complete 180 in regards to Janus. Before this episode, it was still pretty common for him to be seen in a mostly negative light. People outright hated this character, and attacked people who liked him. Then Remus came and wasn’t shown nearly as much hate or negativity as Janus was. Now all of a sudden Janus is a “Good uwu boi” and everyone loves him. I haven’t seen one person doubt Janus’ change of heart. Which is surprising because given the fandom’s treatment of him in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t been more common. 

But then I remembered that another Side is currently being thrown into a negative light, which is Roman. He’s been thrown under the bus after his recent actions at the end of POF, all while Janus is now being held up on a golden pedestal. 

Honestly, I’m debating ending this post right here because this next part delves way too much into conspiracy territory, but since this would be kind of an awkward ending I’ll go ahead and just throw the idea out there anyway. 

So, it’s been established that the Sides are aware that what they’re doing is being viewed by an audience. Roman, Logan, and Patton have all addressed the audience directly before. Virgil has given direct glances into the camera, and of course Thomas greets the audience in every episode and closes each one out with a message at the end of every one. 

In Crofters: The Musical Roman outright addresses the fact that Logan has become more popular than him. Implying that somehow, he has access to that information. So if Roman does, then why wouldn’t Janus?

Why wouldn’t Janus be aware of Roman’s insecurities? Why wouldn’t he use this to his advantage and spend the entirety of SVS boosting his ego since he knew that’s what he wanted? 

What if Janus, being aware of the audience and how they view the Sides, knew that all he needed for his plan to succeed was not only to convince Thomas that he could be trusted, but the audience. He knows that they don’t like him, so what does he do? He puts himself into a much more positive light, while Roman is put into a position where he’s made out to be the bad guy?

And if this was the case, then it worked. A majority of the fandom now loves Janus while Roman is being left behind. He’s the perfect scapegoat, a distraction from the real plans Janus has in store. 

But that idea is so far out there and paints Janus as more of an actual villain when really, I don’t think he is at all. 

What’s most likely is that we’re going to learn what happened between him and Virgil, and then watch as Thomas and the others rethink their decision to trust him. 

I don’t think Janus is evil, this series is constantly pushing the message that everything isn’t all black and white. Janus, like everyone else, just wants what’s best for Thomas but has a different way of achieving that goal. 

My hope is that the writers are aware of this and have a plan for Janus’ character to develop more. Because if that isn’t the case and Janus remains a “good guy” from here on out then all of Janus’ previous appearances would be rendered meaningless. 

He’d might as well be a completely different character at that point, because the Deceit that I (and many others) became invested in and loved since his first appearance would be gone. Replaced with a softer, less complex, less engaging “uwu soft boi” that now seems to be the fandom favorite. 

Which makes me curious, if Janus is revealed to be lying to some degree, and was tricking Patton and Thomas, would everyone go back to hating him again? Would they give him a chance to explain himself and grow, or would they go right back to seeing him as nothing more than the evil villain they believed they were introduced to back in CLBG

Okay, that’s pretty much all I’ve got on this topic. It’s kinda messy by my standards and I’m sure I repeated myself a lot. So you are more than welcome to critique my points and debate them with your own. Just to clarify, I still love Janus. And I stand by the fact that he was the best part of this new episode. I just hope that this isn’t all the development he gets and that he continues to have his ups and downs. 

And come on, how could they possibly pass up the opportunity to do the “Liar revealed” trope with the literal embodiment of Deceit? 

[an-organized-confusion]

Okay. So I just watched an interesting podcast/interview between two writers. One of which was involved in the utter trainwreck of bad ethical decisions that was “The Heads of Sierra Blanca“. It was supposed to be a fictionalized investigative murder mystery sort of podcast... but marketed itself with the pretense of being “true crime“.

Frankly, it was entertaining and illuminating.

That just made me think of how a the mere idea of a single, foundational creative choice can make a project fail spectacularly would affect any of the Sides needing to comment on that sorta thing happening (in the abstract)...

I think that's one of Roman's deepest fears. Get so invested in a project and blind to the problems until the chickens have already come to roost. This might hang him up from starting new projects often (fear of failure can lead to indefinite procrastination). It hurts to fail, especially if it became a true lynchpin sort of scenario... but I think he recognizes the virtue of dusting yourself off after them and keeping on trying to make stuff. He has had to do that countless times, and will need to do that countless more. (Can fuel determination to remind oneself how many times we’ve gotten back up after a tough time. And that our entire body of work isn’t defined by just the mistakes.)

Remus probably already doesn't expect his ideas are winners - he'll just move on to the next thing. Not really taking it’s failure all that personally. (Which can be a strength in of itself, sometimes you gotta be willing to kill your creative “babies/darlings”, let it go, and move on to something else. In a weird sense, I can see him actually provide Roman moral support - there’s more shit worth exploring. More fish in the imagination ocean.)

Virgil would probably amplify Roman's feelings of insecurity about failures - using that imagery/theme to reinforce his generally pessimistic outlook. BUT. realistically/maturely there is a point where you gotta let yourself fuck up so you learn the valuable shit. It can motivate one to avoid repeating that mistake and care more about what you actually are putting out. (Just gotta find that Goldilocks Zone of anxiety/excitement.)

Logan may feel at least SOMEWHAT culpable if he was ever involved in such a project - hoping he would have enough objectivity to realize this boat was going to sink if not intervened on sooner. And generally, I could see him preventing a few of these... definitely would take cues from Virgil’s assessments to plan for future projects better, ensure that they are structurally sound.

Janus... hmmm. I can see him being that instinct to dig in the heels and attempt to deflect the clear failings at show. That instinct to protect self from negative feedback by kinda putting the head in the sand or even dishing it out on critics. (Also recognizing that yeah “we done fucked up big time and have learned better ways of handling things in future.” Especially in terms of how to handle potential reactions to the project. When to defend oneself and when to eat the humble pie.)

Patton might be the hopeless optimist - wanting to keep up the morale as shit is falling apart. in some ways, the other side of the denial coin with Janus. (However he does have a point to make on recognizing there CAN be good that comes from failure. There can be stuff worth digging outta the trainwreck to take away. It’s important to at least try to nurture hope in self and in the future.)

[distrustedace]

“You Complete Fool!”

AN: this is a bonus , a small epilogue to the Janus fanfiction that I am working on.

While I was looking through my recent case studies, my phone rang. I put down the documents and answered. Virgil called me...Why?

“Virgil? Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked

“Jan-” Virgil said, but was cut off.

I have a horrible feeling about this. I can hear deep breaths and whimpering from Virigl and I realized that it was 12 am and Virgil is out-.

Oh god.

“Virgil stay where you are, I’ll come and get you.” I said as I grabbed my coat and went to my car.

Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck-

I arrived at the park near me, I turned on the phone tracker and tracked Virgil to the park.

When i got out of the car, I immediately seem virgil sitting on the ground, holding his legs to his chest. He seems distressed, and was looking out to see if anyone else is coming by.

I strode towards him until I was standing above him. Virgil noticed my shadow and looked up.

His eyes shone with relief upon seeing me but he went back to hiding his face under his arms.

I kneeled down and observed Virgil. My heart broke as I was looking at virgil in this state.

He was sobbing quietly and shaking frequently. I noticed that his clothes were crumpled and his scalp was bleeding. So he has a mild head concussion. I quickly realized that he was probably attacked. Which wasn’t good since he was intoxicated too. His breath smelled like strong vodka.

I took off my grey overcoat and draped it over Virgil. Virgil calmed down a bit as I carefully pulled him out and escorted him to my car.

This isn’t good. Why the hell was he out at 12 am drunk in a park?

I arrived at my apartment complex and led virgil to my couch. He sat down wordlessly.He’s seemed to calm down a lot. Probably knowing that he is safe with me. Which is good.

“Virgil, what happened to you?” I carefully asked

He tried talking but his speech came out  as incoherent babbling and stutters. I stopped him from talking and decided to try a different tactic.

“Virgil, what happened to you?”I signed. Fourtuantely , I learned sign langage at my old Elementary school and decided to keep learning it.

Virgil, then signed at  a really fast pace, trying desperately to communicate with me but without freaking out.

“I went out drinking because something happened with the gang and I almost got attacked and harassed by three men. Thank god I was able to escape and hide behind a tree. PLEASE DON’T TELL LOGAN!!” he signed

I sighed a little. Although I am glad that Virigil is safe,I am highly disappointed that the gang let virgil go out late. But i was also struggling since I knew that I had to tell atleast one of his friends. But once I saw Virgil’s anxious state,I knew that telling them now would only make Virgil’s mental state spiral more. After I get Virgil completely calmed down, I’ll tell anyone but Logan.

The rest of the night consisted of me staying up and giving Virgil chamomile tea while the song “Take on me,” played from the alexa sitting on the living room table. I didn’t study for my job. How could i? Virgil just got assaulted ! I can’t in my right mind, leave him alone. Virgil finally fell asleep on the couch but I continued to stay up. To formulate a contingency plan to make sure that this  never happens to virgil again.

And whoever made Virgil upset enough to leave and let him go, will have a stern conversation with me.

This cannot be tolerated.

At 9:00am my phone rang again. Assuming that it was one of Virgil’s friends, I picked it up.

“Janus, something happened. We got in a argument with Virgil and he stormed out of the apartment last night. Is ther any chance that you’ve seen Virgil last night?” Logan asked me

“Yeah, Virgil arrived at my apartment, clearly distraught. We talked for the night and he decided to crash at my place as to save face.” I said.

A small pause happened in the conversation. “Alright, well, tell Virgil that he can hang out at your place until 2:30, we’re all worried about him.” Logan said

I can clearly tell Logan was worried since he cleared his throat a lot. “Sounds good.” I said.

After I hung up, I heard “I definitely can’t come back at that time.”

I turned around and saw Virgil sitting at the kitchen table. Still a little frazzled from last night, he looked down at the table.

“You know that you have to go back sometime.” I said

“ I know, I just don’t think I can go back to the way things are.” Virgil replied

I sat down across from him.

“What do you mean?” I asked

Virgil sighed before saying, “Me and everyone, well mostly Logan, were arguing about something,” He paused , taking a deep breath before saying, “I decided to pursue a career in speech therapy for children in Elementary to middle school.” He explained

“Wow Virgil, thats nice! Speech therapy jobs are in demand and it is truly a fulfilling job.” I added

“Yeah…. but, I also decided to earn the degree for that in England.” He meekly said

I paused. Virgil, the person who is the most anxious person out of the group. Decided to go to a different country, alone , to earn his degree in a college that is completely different than our colleges… Well,Virgil has shown mass improvement in character,managing his debilitating anxiety disorder and independence. But I am still worried about the long run for him.

“Virgil, that is amazing.” I replied.

“....Really? I thought you would be against this.” Virgil said

“Virgil, I don’t care what you learn and where you learn it. Just as long as it is obtained through legal and honest means, I will support you 100%.” I explained

Virgil smiled brightly. I guess hearing that from me made him feel more happier.

“Yeah, but everyone but Patton tried to persuade me to drop the notion.”He said

“Well, honestly,I’m not surprised. They don’t seem to realize that you are mastly different then before you graduated high school.” I said.

“Yeah! I don’t understand! They seem to accept you being a honest person! Why can’t they just accept that I am not that anxious 16 year old anymore!” Virgil exclaimed

I waited for him to calm down before saying, “Well, Virgil, its just that they’ve all seen how anxious and volatile you can be. You need to remember that before, you had constant panic attacks up until junior year. So of course they would instinctively seize up if you started spiriling down.”

“Yeah, I know that. I just wished that they trusted me in this.They didn’t even give me a chance to talk. Especially Logan.” Virgil sighed “Logan, seemed even more anxious then me for once. He was spewing out random statistics on people who get lost in countries and other stuff.” Virgil explained

Oh, so Logan’s emotions emerged during that argument. I’m not surprised but worried at the fact that he was more irrational than before.

“Virgil. I wish you noticed that, out of all of the group, Logan obviously cares and adores you despite not showing it.” I explained

Virgil looked down.

“Yeah, i know. But I just hope that one day...He wouldn’t need to take care of me. That he doesn’t need me.” Virgil said

“ Honestly speaking, Logan  wants to take care of you. And he needs you.” I reinforced

“I know, I really do, but I just don’t feel like he does. I know he means well. I really do. But I constantly worry about him realizing that I am not up to his standards enough for him to truly want to stay.” Virgil shakily stated

“Virgil.” I said as I laid my hand on his shoulder

“You… Are full of shit,” Virgil’s eyes widened, “Logan will kill me for saying this but, He constantly talks and raves about your progress as developing into a adult. He constantly askes me on what he can do to help you in any way. Seriously, sometimes he would visit me for the sole purpose of learning more about… well you!” I exclaimed.

Virgil pauses. Thinking about everything he’s been told. He fidgets with his hands before saying, “.... Are you sure?”

“Ok virgil, for the last and final time, Logan. Loves. You.” I said

Virgil’s head snapped up. His expression showed that he was shocked.

But he quickly smiled before chuckling. Realizing that I was right, he responded.

“I guess so, huh?”

5:00 pm, my phone rang again. Inwardly cringing I picked up the phone, knowing that Logan is going to interrogate me on where Virgil is. I made virgil promise to go back at 6:00 but of course, Logan would realize that he didn’t come back at 2.

“Loga-”

“Janus, where the heck is Virgil?” Logan asked

“Virgil is just caught up with someth-”

“ Janus, cut the bullshit ok? I knew you were lying the first time I called. Since you stopped lying, you suck at lying now. Where. Is. Virgil.” Logan pressed

Jeez, Logan mad. Who knew that bookworm can scare even me.I sighed

“Virgil’s not ready okay? I promise he’s coming back at-”

“Save it, I’m going to your place.I’ll bring Virgil back myself.” Logan curtly replied before ending the call.

Ahhhhhh

Shit.

Ten minutes later, he arrived. Knocking on my door curtly. I got up and opened the door.

“Logan just  stay-”

He forced his way in my apartment. Walking down to my livingroom.

“Where is Virgil.” He asked. Clearly showing that his patience is wearing thin.

“He’s in the spare bedroom.” I say. Finally caving in. Damn, Logan’s terrifying when angry

Logan went to the door of the bedroom where Virgil is sleeping in. Despite being angry, he carefully knocked the door, announcing to Virgil that he is going in to talk to him. Lets hope that everything will fall into place.

Logan’s Pov:

I cautiously stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. I was thinking of all the ways I can apologise to Virgil. I admit, I am really inadequate with sentiment. Especially apologies. How do I properly apologize to someone as sensitive as Virgil? Its just that, these emotions that rose up in me, is so foreign and strong. I can’t describe it  precisely. Its like… being annoyed and frustrated at a unruly teenager but magnified exponentially. And its mostly directed at me. I am really… frustrated. At my self. At my inadequacy in communicating to Virgil about something he wanted to do. I am Logan. The person who is supposed to be the smartest in the room. The person who is supposed to educate and support my friends. The person who is supposed...be better than this. But, I honestly don’t think I have the right to hold those titles. Its just- Virgil. The prospect of Virgil leaving somehow invoked a feeling in my that I was unable to control. And that , inturn scared him off. I really wanted to bring him back last night but I was so clouded with my feelings, that I couldnt. And now.. This happened.

Its not the fact that Virgil wants to be independent that I am afraid of.

Its the fact that he would not need me anymore to support him. And that, greatly frightens me. For an unknown reason.

I saw Virgil asleep, his body turned to the other side. Exposing his back to me. I carefully thought out my thoughts and said, “Virgil, its me, Logan. I just came here to talk to you for a bit before bringing you home.Are you asleep?”

Virgil shifted as an indication that he is awake but still refused to look at me. I understood why.

“Virgil, I am deeply apologetic for what I have done. I put you down and tried to make you more paranoid at the prospect of leaving. I promised to help you with your anxiety but I just made you more anxious. I- I just. I just..” I floundered. Jeez, get yourself together. You can do this.

“Its just that, I am deeply scared that you are going to suffer in a different country without me and I just- I just can’t let that happened. I- Virgil I-” I paused again. I felt that in order to fix this, I need to be completely honest to Virgil. But why the hell am I deeply scared about it now?

“Virgil, I….I am...afraid. That you would think that I would be in….adequate in supporting you. I am-- worried that when you go off to a completely different country, that you would..Think of me as no use to you.. I know that , it is  a completely absurd notion but-” “Pfttt!”

I stopped as I realized that Virgil was laughing.

“Virgil, why are you laughing? Did I say anything funny?” I asked

“Who knew. That the great Logan can be as anxious as I can be.” Virgil replied.

He sat up and turned to look at me. He had dark circles under his eyes. His hair is clearly dishevled and he was….smiling at me?

His smile...why didn’t  I realize that it looks… warm?

I quickly snapped out of it once I saw the bandage on virgil’s forehead and a bruise on his cheek.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and asked, “ Virgil! What happened to you? You have a small cut on your scalp and a purple bruise on you cheek? Did someone assault you?? Are you ok? Count to ten for me-”

“ I’m fine sherlock. I am completely unharmed.” Virgil replied with a relaxed smile.

“I- i don’t understand how? You got assaulted? Aren’t you scared?” I asked

“No” he replied

I paused. Realizing finally, that Virgil has grown. He’s not that anxious , stuttering teenager that i, admittingly, adored. He’s an adult. And now... I should treat him as such.

“Logan,”Virgil said, holding my hand gently, “I’m fine. I truly am. Are you ok? You look stressed.” He asked

“You complete fool!” I shouted, “ I was worried sick! Why didn’t you at least call back?! I called you a total of 20 times during the day and you basically cut contact from me. And to make it exponentially worse, everyone was worried too! Patton was stress baking again! Roman was also trying to reach you and Thomas was thinking of ways to apologize! The house was in complete chaos!” I ranted

“I am so sorry for storming out back there. I just felt -” “Anxious, I know.” I sighed, “Please, refrain from doing that again.” I shakenly requested

“I promise I wouldn’t resort to that,” Virgil stated, “But… who knew that you have the capacity to worry as much as I can.” He told me

“Logan,I also worry about how much you need me or not. I was always worrying about when you would stop teaching me new things,putting up with me and just being near me in general.” Virgil admitted.

I was honestly, confused. “Virgil, I thought we established this a long time ago. Don’t you see me as someone who you can trust? I would never do that.” I reassured him

“ I know,I know. But I was  just...feeling like it y’know” Virgil said “Virgil i-i-” I stuttered. This is it. I never knew that I had to say this now. I have a freaking 12 point plan! But..

“ Vrigil I love you.” I admitted

“ I know.” Virgil replied instantly. “Janus told me.”

“That damn snake.” I muttered

“Heheh.” Virgil chucked. “ Don’t sweat it nerdy Wolverine. I love you too.” Virgil confessed

I looked at him. I was..I’m...ecstatic. I-is this, love?

“Earth to Logan, you good?” Virgil asked

I lunged and tackled him in a hug. I was so glad that Virgil has reciprocated my feelings. Despite my constant lack of affection,I still felt...really..deeply for Virgil.

“Logan,you’re kinda crushing me a bit.” Virgil warned

I broke the hug and smiled brightly. “Virgil I-”

He leaned in and kisses me.

So this is what kissing feels like. I- can’t describe it. I-

He snakes his arm around my back to comb his hands through my hair and he used his other arm to cling to my back. I- is- he- what?

I, against my better judgement wrapped my arm around Virgil’s small waist and brought my hand to the nape of his neck. Deepening this… kiss.

I never want to let go ever again.

[ernmark]

o cool where have they said that talfryn is canonically autistic? i must have missed that

The word “autistic” wasn’t used, but it’s about as close as you can get. We get it mostly from Marc’s words (when he’s being an utter ass, I should point out) in Janus Beast:

MARC: Please excuse my brother; the doctors say he’s Simple.

MARC: Well, we went out, and we watched the thing tear this caravan apart – its legs swinging and its twin faces gnashing all of their teeth, sixty-four by my brother’s count, he might be Simple Sir Caroline but in terms of mathematics you will never find a quicker—

What he’s describing is that tired Rainman stereotype, where an autistic person seems dumb until you see them interact with numbers. There’s even a reference to a formal (if archaic and unpleasant) diagnosis, which would suggest that when he was growing up his behavior and development differed enough from his brother’s to make their parents consult a doctor.

You could make the argument that Marc pulled that oddly specific detail out of thin air, but it’s too consistent with the rest of what we see of Talfryn. It feels less like an outright lie than like a hurtful exaggeration of the truth. 

He’s got a lot of the same stuff that I mentioned with Damien and Jacket– the intense devotion, particularly to his brother needs no explaining. But the trouble with jokes and sarcasm: 

MARC: (JOKING) Two feet per foot?TALFRYN: (WHO NEVER GETS A JOKE) Yes.MARC: It was a joke, Tal. I meant… Nevermind. Keep going.

MARC: They should really get some rugs in here. I hate the flooring they’ve put in.TALFRYN: Dirt, you mean?

MARC: Does the Queen send her closest Knights to check on every oversized footprint in the kingdom?TALFRYN: (TOTALLY SERIOUS) I don’t know. I’ve never spoken to her.

MARC: Apparently there’s more than one two-faced monster in these woods anyway.TALFRYN: Another Janus Beast! Are you sure?MARC: Who said anything about a Janus Beast?TALFRYN: You did. Just a minute ago.MARC: I meant Sir Caroline, Tal.TALFRYN: Sir Caroline’s a Janus Beast?!

Once again, Marc is a total ass about it:

MARC: Whose idea was that? We don’t need forests this big. Someone should get in here and replace all of this with something useful. Market. Tavern. A brothel, maybe.TALFRYN: A brothel that takes half a day to get from one end to the other?MARC: (WITH A SIGH) That’s the dream, Tal.TALFRYN: (TOTALLY SERIOUS) That isn’t possible.MARC: (DRAMATIC) My God, you’re right! My sincerest apologies, Sir Talfryn the Cranky, Picker of Nits—TALFRYN: Stop it.MARC: (NOT STOPPING FOR MAN OR BEAST) – who corrected the grammar of the Queen herself in the Great Who/Whom Debacle of the Crown’s Court.

What I usually refer to as rule-oriented behavior shows up in the way he takes care of Marc, particularly when Marc won’t. 

TALFRYN: But the doctor’s orders—MARC: Well, these are brother’s orders, and I’m pulling rank.TALFRYN: But—

TALFRYN: I mean, it’s true that we’ve been questing for a year and we’re almost out of money and we haven’t been to a doctor in a while and I really want to be a knight but sometimes I think that—

MARC: He’s taken some job in a villagenearby for food and money. (Treacherous Heart)

Though there’s definitely elements of the rule-orientedness in him still:

TALFRYN: I don’t care whether or not you like it; it’s what we’re doing. You can’t take us both on, Sir Caroline. And Marc, I’m not going to let you take what isn’t yours.

And forestry and tracking seem to be his Special Interest.

Marc: So, Tal? Any ideas? TALFRYN: (SURPRISED) Me?MARC: No, the Talfryn behind you. It’s a very common name. (EASING BACK) Yes, you. The forest is your specialty.

MARC: Listen, this is all I’ll say: if I don’t worry, it’s because I’ve got the greatest would-be knight and the smartest tracker in the world to quest with.

MARC: That’s the… problem! Talfryn’s the one who knows everythingabout all… this!RILLA: You’re pointing literally everywhere.MARC: Outside! Forests, jungles, caves, that sticky thingnext to the lake, what’s it called—RILLA: Swamp.MARC: Ew. But Dampierre won’t believe me when I tell himthat these noises aren’t monsters. He’ll only listen to Tal, because Talfryn knows what he’s doing. (Treacherous Heart)

And there’s also Talfryn’s lack of confidence and self-esteem, which sounds painfully like my little brother’s in the way it manifests. 

MARC: You know, they say the more times you repeat something, the more convincing it becomes.TALFRYN: Really?MARC: No.TALFRYN: Oh. (BEAT.) Sorry.MARC: For what? For not being confident? Next you’re going to apologize for apologizing.TALFRYN: Sor–MARC: Don’t! It’s an old joke, Tal, and you’re too young a joker.

MARC: Anyway, Sir “Master Forest Tracker” Talfryn, what’sstandard protocol for taking down a Janus Beast?TALFRYN: (WHISPER; KIND OF TOUCHED TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR BEING GOOD AT SOMETHING)

MARC: Well, no sense inregretting the mistakes of the past. Especially since Talfryn isn’t here toapologize for them. (Treacherous Heart)

I swear to god, these lines make me so angry for Tal’s sake. Talfryn is sweet-natured, he’s not as quick with a comeback as his brother, and he struggles with knowing when he’s being made fun of-- and consequently, he gets steamrolled a lot by people like Marc and Sir Caroline. 

Compare Tal’s apologies above with Sir Damien when he’s talking to Rilla:

RILLA: I had a good time, Damien. I’m just tired.DAMIEN: Tired? Have I tired you?RILLA: No. Actually, staying up all night at the festival mademe tired. Weird, right?DAMIEN: Yes, yes, that makes sense. (Treacherous Heart)

Tal sees Marc’s bad mood and has trouble pinpointing the source of it, so he assumes the problem is himself. Marc tells him not to do that, but doesn’t make himself clear. 

In the same way, Damien sees Rilla is exhausted and has trouble pinpointing the source of it, so he assumes the problem is himself. The key difference I’m seeing here is that Rilla explains clearly that he isn’t the problem, so he stops worrying about it.

It may be me seeing similarities where they don’t exist, but the two scenes struck me as uncannily similar. 

(Personally, I assume that having grown up with Talfryn made Rilla better able to communicate with Damien, but at the moment that’s mostly a headcanon on my part.)

But yeah. The long and short of it is we got the medieval version of a diagnosis explicitly stated, and then it was reinforced with the same kind of traits that remind me of autistic people that I know.