#ive never put this much thought into something i don't even technically agree with

[falsettos-tight-knit-family]

Trans Whizzer

Okay I have thoughts-

I've noticed the headcanon of Whizzer being trans floating around a lot. Personally, I don't headcanon any of the characters as trans. The only character in Falsettos I even have a sexuality headcanon for (aside from ofc what's explicitly stated in the musical) is Mendel being bisexual because of the disaster bi energy he gives off.

However, as a trans masc fan of Whizzer myself, I still love the idea of him being trans. So much so, that I've thought of some headcanons for it. I learned about this idea while I was on my period, so ofc my mind immediately went to "how's he deal with this shit?" So here's the answer:

First thing that came to my mind was Charlotte and Cordelia sitting with him while he's struggling with cramps, talking about how much exercise helps lessen the pain and that he should try going on a jog with them. Meanwhile, Whizzer is lying there in agony going "You want me to what?" Like he is currently incapable of standing up, let alone doing any kind of physical activity.

Sometimes Cordelia will make him some chocolate chip cookies and bring them over. The 2 of them, Marvin, and Jason end up sharing them, since she always makes far too many for one person.

Most of the week goes by decently cramps-wise, but there's always one day where he'll be going about his day when suddenly, sharp pains have him debilitated on the ground or closest place to sit/lay down for hours at a time. The only thing that would sometimes help is putting a heating pad against his back or stomach.

Going away from cramps, I think it's pretty obvious to Marvin when it's Whizzer's time of the month. How? Well one way he can tell is when he comes home from work to the house being completely emptied of any and all chocolate candy. I don't care how much they had at the time, every piece would be devoured, unless Marvin knew ahead of time and actively hid it from him.

Alternatively, Marvin knows it's that time when Whizzer is acting more cuddly than usual. Yes, he likes cuddling and physical touch at any time, but this is different in that there are 0 sexual undertones when he's on his period. Just one big teddy bear always wanting to have his arms wrapped around Marvin in some way.

Luckily, most of the cravings he gets are things that don't require Marvin to cook anything (chocolate, ice cream, etc.) There's a lot of frozen pizzas and take-out during those weeks. Marvin says he can make something nicer for him, but Whizzer only lets him do so if he can be in the kitchen supervising because "If you start a fire, I do not have the energy to deal with it today". A non-dessert thing he'll eat a shit ton of are french fries -- fortunately, a common thing to order for take-out.

Was this mostly me projecting my own pain onto him? Yes. I don't know how much sense this made, considering it was basically just stream of consciousness lol

[pg-punk]

Don't fall in love with me

MJFXFem!Reader

Part 2

Part 1/??

Kinda short but if you guys like it I'll continue with the series

*NOT PROOF READ*

Summary:

Both MJF and Y/N have reputations in the company for being the biggest dicks EVER. But with a mutual enemy they agree to team up in a mixed tag team match, but what happens when they both break the last rule of their agreement?

*1 WEEK AGO*

3rd Person

"And Still AEW Womes champion! Y/N L/N"

The crowed booded as Aubrey held up

Y/N's hand. Everyone knows Tay Conti should have won, technically while Sammy Gauvara had come out to the ring in a attempt to help Tay, she had pinned Y/N for 3, but much to Y/N's luck she had retained due to this distraction. Sammy was already in the ring when the bell rung annocing the win, and alough she hated this couple with a buring passion, she coudnt help feel a pang of jeously. No one had ever cared for her like that and everyone could see it on her faces ad she looked at them, clutching her blet tight befor leaving the ring without looking back.

*Present*

Y/N's POV

I sat in my dressing room strolling mindlessly on Instagram when I came across a post. It was a screenshot took at my revolution match last week, I was looking over at Tay and Sammy with a sad look on my face, I scoff and turn on my phone not wanting to read the caption. Being a bitch had many benefits, for example no one bothered my outside the ring, but this over time had become a disadvantage, alough I would never admit it, I would like just one person I could trust with my life, who I would know would always be there. But here we are alone. I look up to see my TV playing the current dynamite live for the arena. My face is filled with digest as I see Tay and Sammy cutting a promo. Its beyone me while they still try to get the crowed on there side. True they hate me and I will always be the villain in whatever fued you put me in, but their realshonship has got on the fans nerves and that's one thing we all agree on.

I watch as MJF makes his way to the ring after his name being mentioned. He it currently in fied with Sammy, he's going after the TNY championship, and honestly i hope he gets it. I ahve never spoken to him, I suppose he's jn the same boat ad me,the fans hate him more than me, witch is hard to achieve. I zone out before I hear my name being called out on the television.

"Y/N! "

Tay shouts just befor MJF us about to cut one of his many promos. I look up from my phone to are her directly staring at the camra.

"I know your watching this from whatever lonely little hole you live in so why don't you come out to the real word"

I guess that's my que.

I walk out of my dressing room in my sweats and walk past the production team. No words or thumbs up exchanged they just play my entrance music and I walk out not bothering to grab a mic and I assumed she just wanted to fight.

As I make my way to the ring I suddenly realise how strange this is. Max has the same look on his face, we exchange noods knowing that even thought we have never meet or talked, in this senoro we are allias and are facing a mutual enemy. I enter the ring only to see Tay and Sammy giving a look to eachouther, as I'd they have just had the best idea in the word.

"Call me crazy"

Sammy begins

"But iv had a idea"

He looks over at Tay and she continues.

"Considing you two are similar in the way you both willow in your own self pity, we have thought a mixed tag match at Double ot Noithing"

The crowed loses it at this suggestion I look over to see Max getting ready to say something on the microphone. I'm guessing to turn down the offer, I hope so anyways, I don't work well with others and neither dose Max.

"Winner takes all"

Max adds with a serious expression on his face, then a idea hits me only I don't have a microphone, I look over at Max and I gestured to borrowed his, he looks annoyed bit still hands the mic over.

Then something unexpected, stuiped and down right cringy happend. When he passed over the microphone for a slip second out hand touched. Then all of a sudden I fell like a girl with a crush all over again, expect this time I'm not 12 years old and not a nerd. I'm a women rhe AEW women champion and and I know for a fact that this is just because I haven't been a realshonship for so long. I manege to pull myself together to add my speculations to the match witch I don't want to do anyways but this might give me some motivation.

"If you lose, Tay cant challenge for the AEW women's championship again"

The crowed gives a mixed response. Halpy about the new specuation but I'm assumg sad that Tay won't get a rain

"Done"

Tay says

"Done"

Adds Sammy.

Max now gestures for the mic of me. Our hands brush again and I scoled myself for not getting a mic befor coming out then all of this woundt be a distraction.

"Let's set some ground rules L/N"

His demnre changes from serious to cocky, he is now disregarding Tay and Sammy and looking directly at me

"Number 1. We are doing this to win, no long lasting friendships or whatever however I assume that wasn't be difficult for you since you have this whole lone wolf demner going on for you"

Can't ague with the truth so i simply smile and look at my combat boots I have on.

"Number 2. There is no 'we' you and I, probably me, will pin one of them, you and I and are not a team and you and I are definitely never discussing this once it's over, no attending eachouthet matches, no helping eahcouther if we get attacked. We simply win the belts then leave got it"

I nod my head, still smiling though he'll be in for a nasty shock when he realisees in not scared of him.

"And for the hardest one, don't under any circumstances fall in love with me"

He sticks his hand out to shake. Who the hell dose he think he his, however the rules will keep my social barricage up and only leads for benefits for both of us. I smile sarcasticly and have his hand firmly befor leaving the ring, holding on to my belt tight as my entrance music plays. I look back at the ring to see Max looking back at me, I send him a wink

"See ya at Double or nothing!"

I shout at him, I cant help the smile and my face and it looks like be can't help his either.

[lake-cosay]

infinity train percy jackson au stuff because i'm hyperfixating

(quick disclaimer i havent read the books cause adhd but ive been digging into the story as much as i can through literally every other medium lol)

so the basics: jesse is the son of posiedon. the story would follow roughly the same plot as the first book etc, with jesse not knowing he's a demigod, shit goes down, he ends up at camp, gets a quest, etc

even though tulip fits annabeth way better than lake does, lake will take annabeth's place since yknow percy and annabeth end up together and stuff. plus i like the chemistry (i'm specfically thinking of the "you drool when you sleep" moment that's so them)

tulip sorta technically takes grover's place but she's not a satyr or protector or anything she just needs a spot in the trio and that's what's left lol. she's a daughter of hephaestus (you could argue athena for sure buuuut ive seen other ppl say hephaestus and i like that better for her, especially cause then her and lake can be twins).

some details about jesse:

nate is technically his half brother. whitney is both their moms, stephan is nate's bio dad and legal dad to both of them. i feel like their parents would at least let jesse and nate know that jesse has a different dad, but they would keep the god part to themselves to keep them safe.

so here's the backstory with whitney and poseidon (yes i thought it through this much leave me alone): whitney met poseidon when she was young and they had a thing. she knew stephan at the time, he was her closest friend but they weren't romantic. stephan supported whitney's relationship with poseidon as long as she didn't forget him, which she never did. jesse was conceived and poseidon left, as he does, but stephan was there for whitney. stephan helps raise jesse and eventually whitney falls in love (stephan had done that a while ago), and then a few years later they have nate.

jesse knows stephan isn't his bio dad but he doesn't care, they love each other just the same. it's not something a lot of people know either, it's one of the few things jesse keeps private about himself. the only people who know are immeadiate family.

so yeah, stephan and whitney don't tell the kids about the god thing to keep them safe. they're aware of CHB, and they're sure that jesse's swimming skills come from posiedon. thankfully he doesn't show any crazy powers or anything so they're not too overprotective.

upon arriving to camp, everyone's sure he's an apollo kid. the only person who isn't is lake, but that's also only because they saw him control the water. i could see jesse being put in the apollo cabin to save space in the hermes cabin despite not being claimed because they're just so sure he's apollo's son.

jesse hates fighting. he could probably be pretty decent at it if he wanted to, but he doesn't. he avoids having to learn combat as much as possible. he talks to lake about how much he hates it, and lake says he should really learn at the least the basics just for his own safety, so he agrees to let lake teach him some in private.

jesse refuses to choose a weapon, and just uses a shield and his hydrokinesis to fight but only when necessary. the shield is celestial bronze and turns into a bracelet with a charm that's a mini version of the shield.

about lake:

lake is a child of hephaestus, twin to tulip. tulip doesn't know she has a twin. lake was raised at camp and had never left, until one day, they just couldn't take it anymore and left camp. a magical deer (the yet-to-be-named alan dracula) insisted on following them, which they quickly welcomed.

lake doesn't have the usual abilities of a hephaestus kid. instead, they're more like one of his automatons, being inhumanly strong and endurant. though it doesn't look like metal, few things can truly puncture lake's skin. they've also got some pretty bad eczema and a good deal of scars, so yeah. their skin still makes them stand out.

lake especially appreciated the companionship, since once they left, they began being tailed by a monster (who's like an amalgamation of mace and sieve, haven't quite figured that part out yet).

lake wandered the country for about a month and a half, headed west. they didn't know why, they just felt compelled to head west. eventually they ended up in arizona and met jesse, and the two became friends naturally over the course of a few months.

lake had managed to throw the flec-monster off their trail for a good while, but one day, it finds them. jesse's parents hear the commotion, and upon seeing a monster, tell him to fight back. jesse doesn't know how, and lake tries to explain it to him as they realize he must be a demigod too, but lake gets knocked out. alan dracula picks up lake and urges jesse to run, and his parents tell him to follow the deer. at this point, they've realized that alan dracula had led lake to him to protect him. so jesse follows AD, and he takes them to camp half-blood.

lake isn't exactly happy to be back at CHB but that's overshadowed by them worrying about jesse. they watch over him in the infirmary.

lake grew up at camp. not quite sure how they got there, but tulip doesn't know she has a twin until she has her own little adventure where she arrives at camp aroung age 12-13. megan thinks lake (whose deadname is magnolia, maggie for short, MT for really short) is dead.

lake was probably raised by a mix of chiron, hestia, and some of the older campers when they were really young. since they're the youngest demigod the camp ever had, and since they got into so much trouble in the hermes cabin, they were moved to the big house. eventually after tulip arrived and the two of them were claimed (at the same time), they moved to the hephaestus cabin. lake honestly hates it there and wants their bed in the big house back.

lake had a habit of sneaking out of camp to explore, and because they just wanted to be able to do what they choose damnit, but never got far before being chased back in by the flec-monster. that's how they got most of the scars.

their chosen weapon is a pair of celestial bronze daggers that can turn into rings.

i really wanna do something with lake's mirror but i don't really have any ideas lol. sometimes in aus where lake's human (or in this case, part human) i just give them a birthmark on their leg or smthn, ideas are very much welcome!

now for tulip:

like i said, tulip is a daughter of hephaestus. tulip doesn't know she's a demigod until her parents take her to camp when she's about 12. they do it for her safety, and also to give her somewhere to go while they work out the divorce stuff. tulip meets lake pretty quickly and they get claimed together. tulip spends summers at camp but goes home the rest of the year.

tulip is definitely very smart and pragmatic like an athena kid, and she gets along well with just about everyone in athena's cabin. however, she doesn't like battle the way they do. she'd rather be making something than fighting. she still likes coding and brings her laptop with her to camp.

she probably made a little robot who very closely resembles one-one. he's not technically in this au but i'll give him some little cameos.

tulip attempts to bond with lake by making them cool weapons. it kinda works, but not as well as she'd hoped.

one night tulip hears lake leaving the cabin in the middle of the night. she catches up with them, and finds them all dressed and packed and equiped. she questions them, and lake just bluntly states they're leaving. tulip realizes they're serious about leaving camp. she asks them to wait and gives them some extra supplies and weapons before they leave, makes them promise not to die out there, then helps them get away from the flec-monster long enough to get headed away from camp.

tulip definitely worries about lake, mainly cause she's seen just how dangerous the flec-monster can be, but she tries to just trust lake. it's only about 6 months before lake shows back up with jesse, which is very confusing, but ultimately tulip is happy lake's back and this new kid is nice enough. a bit painfully nice, tulip takes one look at him and says he must be an apollo kid. she doesn't understand why lake is insisting he can control water. he can't be a kid of the big three, he's a dork. obviously he's not that kid from the prophecy, and lake just hit their head a little too hard when they were knocked out.

tulip has pyrokinesis, as well as the usual abilities of a hephaestus kid

her weapon is a good old sword, a special one she made that can turn into a variety of tools

a few more little things:

grace is a daughter of aphrodite who can charmspeak

simon is a son of either ares or athena, and would probably have a role very similar to luke's. i'm not gonna think about that too hard though because i have 0 interest in anything simon related lol (i also don't plan on yknow, planning out a whole plot for this so it doesnt really matter anyway)

i was thinking a lot of denizens, namely AD, the cat, atticus, tuba, etc could just be animals who were affected by the gods but i think that's kinda messy and im not gonna do that after all. but if you like the idea feel free to run w it

despite being younger and smaller lake has kicked simon's ass (in capture the flag and sparring) numerous times but simon refuses to admit it

i had a very vague idea involving medusa and reflections. that's it that's the whole idea that's all ive got

i just realized i did not think about amelia or any of the book 4 characters at all oops. sorry

i was very much inspired by these posts so check them out! also heavily inspired by the musical. i would love to know your thoughts and ideas for this because i am hyperfixating so bad lol

[mikisworls]

AN: this is my first time writing a fan fiction so bare with me.I hope you enjoy

warnings: much angst, Sexual Assault, attempted suicide

Listen Before I go By Billie Eilish 🥲

pairing: Harry Styles X !FEM!reader 

Harry has been on tour for months, five months to be more specific. a lot can change in that amount of time, trust especially.

“I've missed you my angel,” Harry said from the doorway, bags dropped to his feet as he walked over to you to hold you in his arms.

You flinched away from his touch. He backs away, understanding the shake in your hands. you don’t want to be held.

Did he do something wrong? what happened in those five months that would have made you flinch away from him? Was it his fault? The answer was no, it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know. You never told him, how was he supposed to know.

He could see on your face something was off. a few seconds maybe 20 had passed before either of you spoke again. “What’s wrong, What happened?” your eyes start to water, you two have been together for two years but have known each other since sophomore year of high school.

He told you everything, from what bothered him that day or what made him so overwhelmed with joy it didn’t matter he always told you about it, but you were more closed off than him. Sure you told him about your day and he already knew everything about you, that’s what he thought at least.

“It's nothing, really i just missed you and didn’t expect you to be home.” that wasn’t it and he knew it. He’s too good at reading you. “That’s not it and we both know that, what is it lovie.”

The truth was, he called you. the guy who ruined your life. Made you feel like you didn’t deserve love. the man who fucked you up so bad you could hardly live. not safely at least.

“Jace called me.” you mumbled under your breath, it was barely audible but he heard you. “Jace as in your Ex? What did he want.” “He just called to mess with me.”

Technically that was the truth, just not all of it. “There’s more, isn’t there. you can tell me.” god you don’t deserve harry, he’s too good for you.

“There's some things I haven't told you, but I think I'm ready.” you look him in the eyes and pull him to the couch. “Now before i say this i don’t want you to get upset, it was a long time ago. Jace wasn’t only an Ex, he did things to me, not exactly good things.”

you had to stop for a few seconds to catch your breath, you were crying? When did you start crying? when will you stop. “It's okay lovie take your time.” harry said as he put a hand on your back, instead of flinching away you melted into his touch, it calmed you. “ He, uh he would make me do things. things you wouldn’t even believe.”

To say Harry was angry would be the understatement of the century. He was shaking, his face was beet red. You could tell he was trying to stay calm for your sake but it wasn’t working.

This time you leaned into him asking to be held. That's how you stayed for the rest of the night, tangled with him. Assuming you feel asleep and he carried you to your room.

When you woke up the bed was empty. Was it a dream? you heard the sink running in the bathroom, harry was brushing his teeth. He’s home, “some welcome home present” you thought to yourself. Telling your overprotective boyfriend about the guy who raped you the day he gets home. Not even a welcome home.

“good morning angel, I have a few meetings today just to wrap up tour stuff. I should be home around 3:00pm then we can do whatever you want to do.” it’s 9:00am now. “alright do you want breakfast?” “No thank you i’m already late, but thank you. i’m leaving in a few and have some stuff to do downstairs but i love you and i’ll see you tonight, call me if you need anything.” “love you too, have a good day.”

you're such an asshole. He just got home and the first thing you do is make him feel like he did something wrong. He was gone for five months and not even an I love you. god your pathetic. Why is he still with you. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect, especially from you. “I agree, he doesn’t” your thoughts get the best of you and you spend at least an hour just sitting on the shower floor, just thinking, contemplating.

That’s it, you get up from the shower floor turn off the water and cry off. Your wearing one of his hoodies and som shorts. the pen in your hand is shaking more than you are. you write nonetheless.

Harry, my sweet harry. my love for you is larger than life. i don’t want you to think this was your fault, it’s not. if anything you prevented this from happening a long time ago. but my time is up, god i hope you aren’t the one to find me. i’m so sorry i had to do this to you. I'm sorry I had to hold you back all this time. i hope now that i’m gone you won’t have anything stopping you from greatness, more greatness than you already have. I love you. but i can’t keep living this life. it hurts. more than you'll ever know. I don't want you to stop living because of me. i won’t ask much of you for now but can you take care of Rajah? She needs to be fed while I'm gone. take care of yourself. don’t let me be the reason we meet again. but hey when it is your time in 50 years i’ll tell you if there’s a heaven like i’ve always wanted to know. but please know, this isn’t your fault, it’s mine really. goodbye my love

il mio amore per te va di mondo in mondo, ti amo più della vita.

-Y/N

and with that it was done, you grabbed your bottle of prozac in your shaking hands and that was it.

HARRY’S POV

I forgot to tell Y/N I was coming home for lunch but consider it a little surprise. “Y/N, darling i’m home for lunch, what do you have in mind?” when he got no reply he began to worry. He walked the halls searching for his love. when he walked into your shared room he saw you… laying there. limp.

the color drained from his face as he sprinted to you collapsing on top of you. He frantically shook you, trying desperately to get any sort of response, all he got was a low grunt. He looked at your hand, pills. He pulled up his phone and dialed 911 as fast as his mind allowed “911 what’s your emergency?” she sounds too cheerful for this situation “please it’s my girlfriend i just got home and she was on the floor barely responding, i think she tried to kill herself!” “does she have a pulse? what’s the address?” “she has a pulse but it’s weak, the address is 1794 on 64th ave. hurry” the line went silent on the other end for a few seconds “alright sir we have the address someone will be there as soon as 2 minutes” “she doesn’t have 2 minutes, hurry please.”

When the paramedics arrived your pulse was barely there, low and shallow breaths in your lungs. Harry was in the ambulance as they put your IV in and out you in oxygen. after they got to the hospital he wasn’t allowed in the room until they were sure you were ready for visits. a nurse had been giving him updates her name was sarah. Sarah told him to go home, shower grab some clothes, it took time but he did. That’s when he saw the note. He broke. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t move. “il mio amore per te va di mondo in mondo, ti amo più della vita.” he thought of you when you two went to italy for your anniversary, you remembered. it means “my love for you goes from world to world, I love you more than life.”

when he got back to the hospital Sarah said you were better, still haven’t woken up yet but your healing nonetheless. They called your mother and she said he could be put on the emergency list so he could be with you when you wake up. That's exactly what he did, he sat there right beside you for a week until you woke up.

Y/N POV

It was bright, too bright for your eyes. You turned over but when you felt someone touching your hand you saw harry. He’s asleep, how long has it been, he thinks you're pathetic. He doesn’t, he’s been crying, his cheeks are red and tear stained. He’s waking up. “Hey lovie, are you alright? How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?” he seemed genuinely concerned, it was hard to answer but you managed to get a few words out “I’m fine right now, where am I?” he looked at you in a way that asked you if you were being serious, you were. “Where at the hospital, you took a bunch of pills but I got to you in time.”

“Hey Y/N, my name is Sarah, i’m your nurse, how are you feeling hun?” “i feel fine, a little drowsy.” i couldn’t really tell you what happened after that, everything’s a bit fuzzy but she kept asking questions. Harry’s eyes never left me.

~time skip to when they get home because it’s late and i need to sleep~

Harry’s hand was on my knee the whole ride home like he was afraid I would evaporate if he let go. When we pulled into the driveway he opened the door for me and offered me a hand, I took it and thanked him. He hasn’t really asked as many questions as I thought he would.

When we got inside he dropped our bags by the door, went to the kitchen and grabbed some water. He walked back into the living room where you were sitting, he sat the glass of water on the table next to you.

He sat on the couch beside you, you basically threw yourself onto him has tears gushed down your face staining his dark blue t-shirt, he wrapped his arms around you and held you as you spewed out apology’s one after another “I’m so sorry, i’m so selfish, you shouldn’t have to deal with shit like this.” he cut you off before you could say anything else with a soft kiss. It has been so long since you two have just kissed.

he leaned back so you could lay on top of him. you fell asleep to harry whispering “i love you” over and over in your ear.

when you woke up harry was playing with your hair, once you woke up a bit more you spoke up. He deserves an explanation “Harry, you deserve an explanation. It was never your fault, just with jace calling me and the things he said-``''what did he say?” “uh he uh told me to w-watch myself and that no one not even you, who he called some other fuck up, can protect me from him. i was scared and confused and i didn’t know how to handle it but the things he did to me fucked me up and i don’t want that again.” “ it’s alright baby really i’m not mad, he can’t hurt you anymore, i’m here. that bastard will be in a grave before he lays another hand on you”

An: tell me how you liked it, might fuck around and make a part two idk yet but im going to bed i love you

[luntica]

I've been trying to get to some normal since the roommates moved out, cause it was all so scary and traumatic. Having friends being unable to tell you apart from the abusers of their past, even unable to see their partner. It's scary stuff. I watched a very intelligent, kind and good hearted person, be unable to stop from yelling and lashing out at everyone around them.

So im trying to do things for everyone in my system to help us all feel better.

Video games, art , things like that.

But, as system life often is, no one can agree or truly let anyone have alone time.

Roy wants to be with Jason and build the most wonderful zoo in planet zoo. But that's a lot of technical stuff like map planning, researching animals, designing displays ect. So the kids don't stay distracted with it long.

Can't watch the kids movies or anything cause the father in law is still here.

Can't do cuddling cause I got wanting to do more, not wanting to do more, and thinking im a horrible disgusting person who will attack someone sexually without consent thanks to the roommates lashing out at me using my triggers and shit.

Not to mention period time for my partner and again father in law still here.

John wants to paint or do other art stuff, and/or play witcher 3. But painting takes time to dry, glue too. So he can only work in short burst between whatever everyone else ends up doing.

Quentin wants to clean cause he always does, but I can't trust the whole system won't get stuck into manic trauma cleaning.

He also wants his jacket finished but won't do the work himself.

Not to mention the fact we have so much in the house needing to be done. Like moving things around, organizing and put things away. But that's traumatic due to diving moving trauma. So I would need help.

I can't go out In public right now due to over stim. Not that /I/ want to go out. But some alters somewhere do.

So what do I want to do? I want to finish like 1 million different projects but mostly my first fursuit so I can start getting more into a community. Because this past year I had only really 2-3 friends. And they didn't exactly work out. I know if I self isolate because of this, my emotional health will get worse, I'll become more depended on my partner and over all would be a bad idea.

I want praise for what I do. Be Respected. And to not worry that my 'friends' my secretly think horrible things about me.

But I can't do that, I can't reach most of the materials because it's buried under my partners stuff or the mother in laws stuff.

So I wads like "ok pokemon cards, I can organize them, find which ones I don't need, and send them to my mom. That way I'll get some communications and support system but also do something I enjoy and calms me down.

Except I can't find my 20+ year old collection because the binder is missing. And im trying not to panic or break down over it. But fuck ive already lost so many things. I dont know if my parents threw stuff out that was memories for me, or if they just plan to keep things.

Not to mention how much I lose to time or it being buried and damaged. Even the things sent to me ended up damaged. And I don't even know if my parents got the insurance pay out for that.

I can't play with my dog cayde my anger outburst have been pretty bad and I'm scared of hurting her cause she's being a puppy. So you know not always listening or being slightly annoying.

Ive been snappy away my partner and snappy at the dogs. And though I would never intentional hurt anyone I care about, I'm so scared that I might. I share to much with my ex friend not to be.

I feel like my story, my life means nothing to anyone and that this is all pointless.

Ive lost communication with someone I thought would always talk to me even though it was pretty annoying at times. And don't even know if they are dead or not.

Ive had at least 2 friends this year try to kill themselves. Ive finally come to terms with the fact that all my older friends were friends with someone who isn't me.

Which leaves only friends who are my partners friends first. After this last friend trauma...... I'm back to highschool where it doesn't matter what I want, or need, I'm supposed to just make everyone else happy and keep them alive. I feel like eventually I'll be abandoned or fall into the background again unable to build myself up, so instead I slowly fall apart until I'm nothing.

I know these symptoms but I don't know what to do other than scream into my voids online and hope it helps....

- raven