#ive had people reach out to me about suicidal ideation or eating disorders or depression

[meeshimi]

You can turn off the anonymous ya know 🤷🏻‍♂️

i didn't know thank you 🙂

[vexedtonightmares]

last dance (elu ballet au) chapter six

Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.

aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.  

i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi.

ao3

tw in this chapter for: eating disorders, implied/referenced self harm & suicidal ideation, depressive episode

Samedi 11:47  

When would Lucas ever stop embarrassing himself? He couldn’t believe that he’d actually passed out in the middle of rehearsals. Now none of the instructors would ever take him seriously again, they would think he was incapable of handling all that came with being a ballet dancer. He could only imagine what all the other students thought. Luckily, his friends had been nice about it, but the people he didn’t know as well surely saw this as a sign of his weakness. 

He’d been in the infirmary since he collapsed in class, much to his displeasure. He’d awoken briefly after collapsing in class, finding himself in a bed in the infirmary with Manon and Yann beside him. He had reassured them he was fine before the nurse told them to leave and let him rest. The nurse had said he would be allowed to return to his room around noon, and the clock was ticking, so he hoped she would make good on her promise and let him leave. 

The good news, he supposed, was that she’d given him something to help him sleep the night before so he felt more well rested than he had in a very long time. He wondered if she would be able to give him some to go. 

“Eh, Isak, was it?” the nurse appeared in front of him, holding a clipboard. He sat up a bit groggily and looked at her in confusion.

“No? It’s—”

She cut him off with a hand. “No, no, I’ve got it! Matteo?” He shook his head. “Martino?” Blank stare. “Cris? Robbe?” she tried, looking more unsure of herself. “Shay?”

Wasn’t that a girl’s name? “Lucas. It’s Lucas,” he said, before she could interrupt him again.

She tapped her head with her clipboard as if it should have been obvious. “Lucas! Of course! That was my next guess. Lucas… van Der Heijden, was it?” 

Had she taken a dose of his sleep medication too? “Lallemant.”

“Ah, almost got it!” she cried with a wide grin, one that he did not return. Instead, he asked, point blank, “Can I go now?” 

She read a few things on her clipboard before looking back up at him. “Well, I don’t see why not! Are you feeling better?”

“Much,” he said, and he didn’t even have to lie. 

She bit the corner of her lip and opened her mouth, closing it once before meeting his eyes. “And you, um, you know that you can’t keep doing that, right?” 

“Doing what?”

“Not eating… not sleeping…” she trailed off, looking uncomfortable. His stomach swirled anxiously. Who was she to say that he hadn’t been eating or sleeping? Besides, it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t sleep, and, as far as eating went, he would do what he pleased, no matter what bullshit she had to say about it. 

He shrugged. “I can’t help it that I can’t fall asleep.”

“How long has this been a problem for you?” she asked, suddenly serious. He shrugged again. “I don’t know,” he answered, “Long as I can remember.”

She furrowed her brows, biting her lip in concentration as she looked at him. “Have you considered talking to someone about your insomnia? Someone who can help you sort through your thoughts?”

“No.” He took a deep breath. That was for people who had actual problems to deal with, not people like him. So what if he couldn’t fall asleep super quickly? It wasn’t like he was the only one that had ever happened to. 

“Maybe you should,” she suggested, “I can recommend you someone in the area who specializes in sleep and eating disorders.” 

He prickled at her words. “I don’t have an eating disorder,” he said adamantly.

“Yes, Lucas, you do.” The bluntness of her words startled him. He wondered if maybe her visage of incompetence earlier had been an act. “You can’t go weeks without eating and think that something isn’t wrong.”

“I haven’t gone weeks without eating,” he argued. He faintly recalled eating half a salad a few days before, a few crackers the day before that. There was a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him not to eat, that he would be better, look better, do better, if he didn’t, and he couldn’t deny that it was probably right, especially because listening to that voice had gotten him noticed, finally, the year before.

“Lucas, how long has eating been a problem for you?” she asked, ignoring his rebuttal completely. 

“Eating has never been a problem for me,” he said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

She sighed, but relented, handing him a piece of paper off her clipboard. “For the next week I want you to catalogue every single thing you eat or drink for me, along with the times you’re falling asleep and waking up. I want to help you, Lucas, but you have to be willing to accept my help. I know that you want a repeat of what happened yesterday just as much as I do.”

He didn’t say anything, but took the paper from her. If worse came to worst, he could just lie, write down whatever it was that she wanted. “Can I go now?”

She nodded. “Yes, but Lucas? Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need help with anything at all. And please do what I’ve told you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will help in the long run.”

He blocked out her words for the most part, responding with a nod and a smile to appease her before getting the hell out of there. It was a bit strange, how the lighting in the building even looked a bit different now that he was well rested. 

The door to his suite was unlocked when he tried the handle, which meant that Eliott was probably there. With any luck, he was either still asleep or wrapped up in studying. The moment the door swung open, though, Lucas realized that wasn’t the case. 

Eliott looked like shit. Lucas winced, wondering if this was what he looked like all the time. His hair was flopped down into his eyes, gravity winning at last, his eyes were dull and surrounded by dark circles, and he was wearing a frown that looked so out of place on his normally bright and joyful face. He sprung up from the couch as Lucas entered. 

“Hey. How are you?” he asked nervously. The only explanation Lucas could think of was that Eliott thought he’d died and was surprised to see him alive and well. 

“Fine,” Lucas answered casually, folding the paper the nurse had given him neatly in half. Eliott nodded, mostly to himself. “Did the nurse say why… is anything wrong?” Eliott prompted. 

Lucas pursed his lips. “No. Not that it would be any of your business if there was a problem.”

“But she knows about your eating d— um, food issues, right?” Eliott was stumbling over his words in a way he usually never did. Lucas was too annoyed by the entire situation to care too much about it. 

“I don’t have any food issues,” Lucas said, trying not to give anything away on his face. He didn’t. Really. The nurse didn’t know what she was talking about. 

Eliott’s hands clenched into fists for a moment, relaxing when he noticed Lucas noticing. “Don’t bullshit me, Lucas. You never have and I’m not going to let you start now.”

“I don’t care what you want to let me do—”

“For fuck’s sake, Lucas, I’m serious!” Eliott yelled, stunning Lucas into silence. Eliott raked a hand through his hair, looking up to the ceiling as if trying to find answers there before looking back into Lucas’ wide eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was back to its usual calm, collected tone. “I was really fucking worried. So please, please, just tell me what’s going on so I can help.”

The thing was, Lucas really didn’t want or need Eliott’s help, but he also knew Eliott would see right through his lies. He tried to play it as cool as he could. “She told me to catalogue what I eat and how long I sleep everyday on this piece of paper or whatever. No big deal. It won’t be hard, because I already eat and sleep a lot, so…” Maybe the last part was a bit of a lie, but he wasn’t going to tell Eliott everything. He still hated him, even if he was pretending to care about Lucas for the time being. 

“Oh,” Eliott said in surprise, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans, “Want me to help? We can leave it out here or hang it on the fridge or something.” 

Lucas furrowed his brows. “No?”

“Why not?” Eliott sounded genuinely curious. 

Lucas held his gaze for a moment. “I’ve got this Eli,” he said warily. Eliott’s eyes widened just as Lucas realized what he’d said. Shit shit shit shit shit. It had been years since he’d even thought of Eliott as Eli, what the hell was wrong with him? 

“—ott,” he added with a cough, far too late. “Eliott.”

Eliott was still so dumbfounded that he let Lucas pass by and walk into his room without complaint. Lucas shut the door as he usually did, just more gently than usual. Once the door was closed, however, he threw the paper the nurse had given him on his bedside table and clenched his hair in his fists, his mind a silent chorus of fuck fuck fuck. 

He needed to get a grip on himself, and quickly. He was thankful that this whole ordeal had happened on a Friday, because then he hardly had to miss classes and, if he did, they were excused, but if he didn’t get control back things would end up worse than he wanted them to. Sure, maybe he should eat more, he could do that. Eat enough that he wouldn’t pass out but not so much that he’d fall behind in his training. That was manageable. 

Sleep was the hard part, but maybe if he went back to the nurse he would be able to get pills to help or something. He hated the idea of relying on medication for something as simple as sleep, then hated himself for feeling revulsion in the first place. If he thought long and hard about it, there was probably a reason he hated the idea so much, probably a reason that related back to his mother, but he didn’t think long and hard, so everything was ok. 

He flopped back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The nurse had told him the night before that he wasn’t allowed to book any extra studio practices the entire week, which was bullshit. Relax, she’d said, it will be like a little vacation. It didn’t feel like a vacation, but at least now he had no excuse not to do his online classwork. 

Getting lost in the ‘principles of biological anthropology’ didn’t sound as much fun as getting lost in his movement, no matter how much he enjoyed science, but it would have to suffice for the time being. 

It actually did, for a while, until there was a note slipped under his door. 

I made dinner. You don’t have to eat with me, but you have to eat, so I left you some on the counter. I’ll go in my room whenever you want to come out and eat it.  -Eliott         

There was something at the end of the note that Eliott had so thoroughly scribbled out Lucas had a hard time trying to read it, finally giving up after a good ten minutes of trying. He sighed, knowing he couldn’t ignore the note as much as he wanted to. 

Groaning, he opened his door, meeting Eliott’s surprised eyes, fork halfway to his mouth. Eliott nodded to the bowl beside where he sat. “I’ll go, I’m practically done anyway.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Lucas said, surprising both of them. Quickly, he added, “I mean, you’re almost done anyway, so…” 

“Ok,” Eliott responded, corner of his mouth twisting up in an attempt at a friendly smile. Lucas pretended he hadn’t seen, taking the other bowl from Eliott and sitting beside him. He was surprised to find the makings of some kind of salad. He’d assumed Eliott would go straight for a huge meal to spite Lucas. 

Lucas took a hesitant bite, noticing the way Eliott was trying to pretend he wasn’t watching him. It was pretty good, actually, it tasted like his favorite salad from the café down the street. Actually, maybe it was from the café down the street. “You made this?” he asked Eliott, breaking the tense silence he hadn’t realized was thick in the room. 

“Um,” Eliott answered, and Lucas couldn’t help but laugh. Eliott looked offended. “I could have, but Yann mentioned you liked this kind of salad so… whatever.” His cheeks were red and Lucas was still laughing. 

“Thanks,” Lucas said, catching his breath. He was surprised to find that he meant it. 

“Anytime,” Eliott answered, slightly shocked. 

They ate the rest of their food in silence, but this was a companionable sort of silence, a kind that said two people were comfortable in each other’s presence. It scared the hell out of Lucas.

Lundi 8:01

Lucas cast a glance around the room one more time to make sure he wasn’t just seeing things incorrectly. There was no sign of Eliott anywhere. He tapped Imane on the shoulder. “Imane, you haven’t seen Eliott this morning, have you?”

She glared at him. “Remember what we said? No Eliott talk.”

“I’m not trying to shit talk him, he’s just not here and I—”

She cut him off with a hand, nodding to the front of the classroom where Madame Rigaux was about to begin their class. Lucas paid attention as well as he could, but Eliott’s absence stuck out like a sore thumb, and he wasn’t the only one who noticed it. 

Lucas had assumed Eliott was already out doing whatever it was he did mornings and nights when Lucas got ready in the morning because there was breakfast waiting for him in the fridge. He supposed Eliott could have made it the night before, but Eliott had been getting up so consistently early that he had no reason to assume he wouldn’t have done so that day. Maybe he’d just overslept. 

Lundi 13:26  

The day had worn on, lunch break was over, and Eliott still had yet to make an appearance. Lucas had gone out for lunch with Yann and Arthur, not even thinking of going back to his room and check if Eliott was still there. 

He was feeling guilty about a few things, the first being that he hadn’t gone to check on Eliott after all Eliott had done to try to look after him over the weekend. Then he felt guilty for feeling guilty because fuck Eliott. If he was gone, Lucas would get to practice as the lead. That led to him feeling guilty for abandoning Imane so readily to rehearse with Manon. He knew that it hadn’t been his choice, and that she bore him no ill will, but still, he probably would have been a bit annoyed if she’d suddenly gotten to step into the role of Odette and left him hanging. Then, hanging in the back of his mind even as he immersed himself back into rehearsals and into the role he’d dreamed of rehearsing, he felt guilty for skipping lunch. Sure, he’d gone out to eat with Yann and Arthur, but neither of them had known the details of his issues, so to speak, so they didn’t comment when he ordered a sandwich he didn’t eat, claiming he was saving it for after rehearsals.

Great, now he was feeling guilty for spending the money on a sandwich he had known he wouldn’t eat. It wasn’t like he just had money to blow, and he could have saved it for something related to ballet that he would surely need soon. 

Thankfully, he was back on track in rehearsals and none of the instructors were treating him any different. Actually, they seemed impressed with how readily he’d stepped into the role of Prince Siegfried. He supposed it had helped that he and Manon had spent a whole year partnering together but, whatever the case, he was grateful. 

In fact, by the time rehearsals were done for the day, he was so exhausted that he only had time to shower before he collapsed on his bed and fell fast asleep, forgetting all about Eliott. 

Mardi 7:59 

Fuck, Eliott was gone again. The happiness he should have felt was instead filled by unease. He’d knocked on Eliott’s door that morning, but he hadn’t gotten any response so he’d assumed Eliott was already out of bed and warming up for the day. He wasn’t so desperate yet that he’d go into Eliott’s room. If Eliott had respected his personal space, even when he probably shouldn’t have, Lucas could respect Eliott’s. 

He didn’t ask Imane about Eliott that morning, but he could tell that she seemed a bit concerned as well. Lucas tried to brush the absence from his mind as he had the day before, focusing only on ballet and ballet and ballet. It was harder than it should have been, but by the time rehearsals were over he’d managed it. 

There was a dish in the sink when he got back to the suite after practice, so Eliott was alive at least. Actually, the light was on in the bathroom, door closed, so he must have been up. Lucas debated waiting for him to finish to talk to him, but then he realized he didn’t really know what he would say, so instead he retreated to his own room, glad that he didn’t have to worry about Eliott anymore. It was getting exhausting. 

Mercredi 6:12  

Lucas had skipped his run that morning to make breakfast for the two of them, so Eliott had better be grateful. Eliott still wasn’t awake, but that didn’t mean anything. He was pretty sure Arthur had said Eliott rarely rolled out of bed before seven most mornings in years past. Lucas didn’t want to wait that long, but he supposed he could leave Eliott a note before he left. 

He’d almost forgotten how good he was at cooking when he wanted to be. He made omelettes that morning, forcing his down with a hint of displeasure, but forcing it down nonetheless and writing what he ate on the paper from the nurse. There was less filled in than she probably would have liked, but much more than he would have filled out a week before. He didn’t know if that sickened or pleased him. 

He made his way to the bathroom to fix his hair before he headed out, spraying enough hairspray to make him cough and wave around one of their hand towels to dissipate the smell. He caught his reflection waving the towel in the mirror and frowned, turning the towel over in his hands. There was an odd stain on it, darker than anything they owned should have been. Realization dawned on him and he dropped the towel, running to Eliott’s room and throwing the door open, thankful it wasn’t locked. 

He let out a sigh as he realized Eliott was still just sleeping in his bed, nothing out of the ordinary. He’d probably overreacted, maybe Eliott had spilled something in the kitchen and couldn’t find a towel to use so he’d used the one from the bathroom. 

Eliott huffed and turned over cracking his eyes open a bit. Lucas froze, realizing that he probably looked a bit odd standing in the middle of Eliott’s room out of breath. “What are you doing in here?” Eliott asked and Lucas could have sworn he felt shivers run up his spine at his cold, dead, tone of voice. 

“Nothing, sorry, I just, sorry, um,” Lucas stumbled over his words, unable to find the right ones. “Um, I just thought… doesn’t matter. Are you ready to go warm up?”

“Does it look like I’m ready?” The same harsh coldness enveloped the room. 

“No, sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Lucas apologized. Why was he apologizing? Eliott was being rude to him, and he was apologizing. 

Eliott still hadn’t sat up, and he closed his eyes again. “Yeah? And what did you mean? Either say what you came to say or shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You heard me.”

Lucas laughed mirthlessly. “You know what, fuck you. Sorry for trying to be a good roommate.” He reused a variation of Eliott’s words to drive the point home, but Eliott didn’t so much as flinch. “I’m going to practice now,” he continued, “You can either join or not, but I’d prefer if you didn’t. The role suits me much better, I think.”

“I’m sure,” Eliott said, and Lucas couldn’t determine if he was being sarcastic or not. 

“You’re really not coming to class, are you?” he asked. 

“Nope.”

“And why not?”

“I’m sick.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes,” Eliott said adamantly, “I am. Now please leave before I say something I regret.”

Lucas took a deep breath, trying to figure out what emotion he was feeling, and if he should have been feeling it or not. “Whatever,” he said at last, “Your funeral.”

As he left the room he could have sworn he heard Eliott say something else, but he ignored it as soon as he’d heard, not wanting to have an actual reason to worry about Eliott. By the time he’d gotten to practice, he could convince himself he’d heard nothing at all, that Eliott hadn’t opened his eyes once more, looking straight into Lucas’ own, then turned over, burying his face in his pillow, and whispered miserably, “I wish.”

Jeudi 22:34

Eliott didn’t show up to class again. Lucas made him food again. Eliott didn’t eat the food, and Lucas used the opportunity to call him a hypocrite in a strongly worded note left on the coffee table when he went to bed that night.

There wasn’t much else to say. 

Vendredi 18:00

Lucas wasn’t worried. Definitely not. There was obviously a great explanation as to why Eliott had missed an entire week of classes. Maybe he was sick after all. The instructors hadn’t said anything about it, which made Lucas think the absences were excused, so he wasn’t worried.

Definitely not. 

Samedi 10:53   

Yann rolled his eyes and clapped in front of Lucas’ face. He, Lucas, and Arthur were sitting on the couch in Yann, Arthur, and Sofiane’s suite. Lucas didn’t know where Sofiane was, but if he had to guess, he was probably either out with Imane, Idriss, or both of them. “Hello? Have you listened to us at all?”

He hadn’t. 

“Dude, where has your mind been?” Arthur asked, stirring his coffee with a spoon. Lucas zoned out on the motion before he remembered Arthur had asked a question. 

“Nowhere. Everywhere. Ballet,” he responded, knowing how absolutely stupid he sounded. 

Arthur narrowed his eyes behind his glasses. Lucas had never understood how he’d managed all these years dancing without contacts. He had some for performances, but he never wore them otherwise. Lucas didn’t know whether to be impressed or annoyed. “This has to do with Eliott, doesn’t it?” he clarified knowingly. 

“What? Why would Eliott have anything to do with anything?” Lucas knew he sounded defensive to the point that it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“Eliott always has everything to do with everything to you,” Yann said, not unkindly. 

Lucas huffed and crossed his arms. “That’s not true.” 

“It is true,” Arthur countered, pointing his spoon in Lucas’ direction. Lucas scrunched his nose and stuck his tongue out at Arthur, which made both of them laugh, forgetting what they’d been talking about. Yann, however, was not as easily distracted.

“Dude, come on,” he said, pleading. 

Lucas rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what you want me to say. Everything’s cool with me, I don’t care what Eliott does or doesn’t do.”

Yann didn’t look convinced, but he relented, changing gears. “Ok. Then where has he been all week? You haven’t been milking the fact that you’ve taken over his role as much as I expected, so it must be something serious that even your cold little heart can’t help but feel bad about.”

Lucas’ mind flashed to everything he’d told himself wasn’t a problem, everything he’d been trying to ignore. He blinked it away as quickly as it had come, but he had trouble keeping the blur of emotions he felt out of his voice. “I don’t fucking know, ok! I literally could not give less of a fuck about anything he does, so just let it be!”

“Yeah, you really sound like you don’t give a fuck,” Arthur murmured under his breath, and Lucas seethed. 

“What was that?” Lucas asked angrily and Arthur just shrugged. “Nothing,” he said calmly.

Lucas laughed humorlessly. “Nothing? Ok, sure. Why can’t you both just fuck off and leave it alone?”

“Lucas, I just asked a simple question, you’re the one who’s blowing it out of proportion,” Yann said with concern. He gripped Lucas’ shoulder and turned his head so they were looking at one another in the eye. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Lucas, don’t bullshit me. What’s going on?” 

He didn’t know, that was the problem. He could have said something, anything about why he’d passed out the week before or the weird toil of emotions inside him because of how Eliott had been acting recently or his worries about how Eliott had been acting recently, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go years hating Eliott only to break down in concern after a week of Eliott laying in bed. Yann didn’t deserve to have to deal with it either. He’d had to deal with a lot of Eliott drama, especially when the two of them had ended their friendship, and Lucas knew that couldn’t have been very fun for Yann to deal with when he was ten. 

“I can’t,” Lucas said in a small voice. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Yann and Arthur exchanged a glance. It was familiar, and Lucas hated it. Suddenly he couldn’t stand to be around them. They were going to talk about him and his problems when he left regardless, so why not just get out of their hair right now? Eliott was probably still in bed so he could do whatever he wanted in their room for the rest of the day, still banned from booking extra studio time. He had to meet with the nurse to give her his filled out food and sleep chart in the morning to see if she would lift his practice ban. It really was annoying that the one week he’d been given the chance to perform in the role of the Prince was the one week he couldn’t spend his extra time practicing. 

“I have to go,” he said, standing up from the couch. Yann reached his hand out to stop Lucas, but Lucas slipped out of his grip. “I have homework to do that I forgot about,” he continued, knowing it was a feeble excuse but not caring because they wouldn’t believe him anyway. 

“We’re always here, you know? If you need to talk about anything,” Yann said as he reached the door. Arthur nodded, eyes flickering between the two of them. Lucas did know that they would be there if he asked, but sometimes he just didn’t feel like asking. 

Nevertheless, he threw one last glance over his shoulder and smiled softly at the two of them. “I know,” he reassured them. 

He walked back to his room in a bit of a daze, opening the door listlessly only to find Eliott standing at the counter staring at a plate of food Lucas had left for him. Their eyes met briefly before Eliott looked away, back down at the plate. Lucas felt a bit queasy. It was one thing for him to make extra food for a possibly sick roommate that he hated and never know if Eliott ate it or enjoyed it, it was quite another to have to confront the fact that he’d done such a thing. 

Lucas watched Eliott carefully as he walked to his room, but Eliott didn’t move an inch. As he stepped over the threshold into his own space he turned to close the door like he always did, then hesitated. Fuck it, he thought, and released his grip on the door, leaving it ajar. 

He didn’t pay attention to what Eliott was doing out in the living space, but he wanted to make sure there was nothing to worry about, so he would glance over from time to time, only ever finding Eliott eating his food idly, a bit detached from reality. Lucas focused back on his homework, leaving Eliott to eat in peace.

There was a knock at the open door minutes or hours later, and Lucas looked up to find Eliott hovering in the doorway, one fist raised up against the door, the other gripping his laptop, folded into his chest. The sleeves of his hoodie were pulled all the way down over his hands and, despite the fact he’d done nothing but sleep all week, the circles around his eyes were darker than even and he looked utterly exhausted.

He shifted from foot to foot, lowering his hand from the door when Lucas met his eyes. He cleared his throat, eyes shifting everywhere but Lucas’ face. “I don’t totally understand the science homework, and Sofiane and Imane are still out…”

Lucas didn’t know why that concerned him, but he gestured for Eliott to continue talking. “Um, I was wondering if you could help me? Imane told me you’re good at science.”

Lucas ignored the fact that Imane had actually complimented him, though he would be sure to give her shit for it later, eyes finding Eliott’s once more. “You… want my help with homework?”

Eliott blinked suddenly and turned around. “You’re right, it’s stupid, I can probably find the answers online or something—”

“Wait,” Lucas said, and Eliott paused. “I can… I can help. Just this once.”

Eliott turned back around and broke into a relieved grin. “Really? Thank you Lucas, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Lucas murmured, moving from his desk to sit on the floor. Eliott plopped down beside him and opened up his laptop. Thankfully, the homework Eliott was stuck on was the one he’d just finished himself. 

He explained the concepts and helped Eliott find the answers patiently, thinking that this was just like tutoring at any other high school, so he shouldn’t be too weirded out by it. He was sure that if he got stuck on something Eliott would have helped him, rivals or not, especially if it didn’t have to do with ballet. 

Eliott listened to him attentively, and eventually began working on his own, only asking questions every now and then when he came across something Lucas hadn’t covered. Lucas was pretty sure that there came a point when they’d both finished their work for the week and were just fucking around doing nothing on their laptops, but Eliott didn’t try to leave and Lucas didn’t ask him to. It was the same sort of silence that had engulfed them the week prior when they’d had dinner together, and it only worried Lucas because he was becoming less and less scared of it. 

Later that night they’d brought dinner back to Lucas’ room, both of them knowing damn well that they were no longer working on homework but neither one wanting to be the one that said it. 

Lucas could feel himself dozing off after a while and didn’t want to fight it, realizing that it was good that his body wanted to rest, but he didn’t want to kick Eliott out either. Eliott was very plainly and obviously watching a movie now, Lucas peeking over less casually than he might have done if he had actually been trying to be secretive about it. Eliott even turned the screen ever so slightly so they could both see from where they still sat on the floor, a few feet apart. 

He didn’t know why he didn’t just say something, tell Eliott to leave. A week ago, or even a day ago he would have had no problem doing just that. But Eliott was smiling for the first time Lucas had seen in a week, and Lucas didn’t want to be the one who took it away. 

Somehow the two of them had ended up closer to one another, shoulders nearly touching as they watched the movie, some poetic indie shit that Lucas would never have watched in a million years if not for the circumstance he was in at that moment. It was better than Lucas had expected, though he’d never admit he was enjoying it aloud. Unfortunately, he never found out what happened at the end because somewhere along the way he’d felt comfortable enough to slip into his dreams, curtain of sleep washing over him in a wave. He was briefly aware that his head had fallen on Eliott’s shoulder the moment before he knocked out, but once he was asleep it didn’t matter one bit. 

Maybe when he woke up in the morning he would regret letting Eliott into his room at all, but maybe there was a part of him that wanted to wake up in the morning with Eliott’s head resting on top of his, shoulders touching as the early morning light glowed through the windows, illuminating them from the inside out.