#ive been writing this since 4 am...its 7am now

[xcherub]

i feel like shit so m writing stuff down just scroll past idc

i remember when uni was fun and i loved being here and doing things with my friends but now I'm here i just want to be alone all the time which is difficult when i live with 5 people and share a room and i keep getting annoyed whenever I'm near anyone at all. like i just wanna go back to leeds and hang out w my brother and sit in my room watching shitty films he's recommended i watch and then we yell and laugh about it and i force him to watch youtube shit i love and show him new music then he’ll make dumb jokes about it all and ugggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhh get me hOMe pls

its just that since getting back to london i’ve felt spaced out the entire time. the first night back was great but every day since i just feel spaced out and sad and angry and I've broken my streak again and i just wanna do nothing pls. my sleeping pattern is fixed tho which helps but again i share a room. i lov my roommate man don't get me wrong but she's awake all night and asleep all day and i don't wanna wake her up so if i wake up at 9am i don't wanna do anything like dry my hair or paint or sew bc ill make a shit ton of noise and then i end up doing nothing w my day which puts me on so much of a downer and so sad the more it goes on man bc i feel like i’ve accomplished nothing. then when I'm exhausted at night ill go to sleep and then she’ll come in and turn the lights on watch tv play video games and do all her work (she's a radio student so there's nOISE) which is fine but like ill let her know I'm going to sleep bc I'm dying lol and she’ll be considerate but bless her heart she isn’t the best with realising things and she forgets things easily lol so she’ll just carry on life forgetting im trying to sleep (i know she doesn’t mean any harm by anything she does tho). then she will go to sleep at like 7am when she has a 9am lecture and idk it just annoys me but shes so fragile i dont wanna be mad at her even tho i’m not really but i am ????????????????????????????????? same goes with a few people in this house tho like i just want to sit in a dark silent room and live my life but i cant and its weird.

i feel like i can be in any situation or any place and ill always feel alone or isolated bc i don't wanna be there or whatever but ill look at what is actually happening and i see this great life that i could be having if i just allowed myself to go out and do things or include myself. like I've started to not enjoy doing things that i absolutely adore. the number of gigs i have been waiting to go to for about a year or so and i cant make myself get up and go to them anymore bc i dont wanna be near anyone whether i know them or not and then I'm mad at myself for missing out. its negatively affecting my uni work too and i don't wanna get kicked out of uni but ive come so close to that like 4 times already and i can’t do anything about it bc im always scared. im not eating properly bc i don’t wanna go in to the kitchen. i don’t want to leave the house to buy food unless i have nothing at all left. today all i ate was a leftover pizza slice that made me want to vomit and a couple

i would go to the doctors about everything but i’m not signed up to the doctors here and i’m scared of unfamiliar places so i can’t bring myself round to signing up and going there which fucks me up even more. i’d ask someone to come with me or for any help at all but they’re all living their lives and im so closeted when it comes to opening up about my own emotions bc of reasons from growing up that i can’t say anything about myself to anyone man and i h a t e that.

i just want to go home to leeds asap bc there i’m safe. there nothing is going wrong and i miss it. 

[officialsonic06]

do the entire list dude

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? i cant remember the person i texted rip2. You talked to an ex today, correct? i have no exs. Painfully single. 3. Have you taken someones virginity? I am a virgin so no 4. Is trust a big issue for you? YES 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? the last person i talked to was a shop clerk and i havent been outside since 6. What are you excited for? new overwatch event ye bOIIIIIIIIII7. What happened tonight? its 7am for me but last night i did the nexus challenge in hots for officer dva icon and spray 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? no bc theyre having fun i do think it disgustiung when people take adventage of wasted girls tho 9. Is confidence cute? YES. YES IT IS. 10. What is the last beverage you had? if we’re going by the words literal meaning last hot drink i had was a latte with a shot of espresso and shot of vanilla syrup 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? NONE. my gay ass avoids the men. 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? no. trousers = satan13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? study for my war, intel and strategy exam 14. What are you going to spend money on next? lootboxes or food 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? cannot remember last person who kissed me (its been a longtime) plus ive never had a gf sooooooooo16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? yes17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? amy probs 18. The last time you felt broken? everyday of my god damn life 19. Have you had sex today? im a single virgin 20. Are you starting to realize anything? yes that im fucking gAY AF AND LONLEY 21. Are you in a good mood? im not in a bad mood 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?  no23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? never knew my dad24. What do you want right this second? a gf25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? i’d be fine with it bc as long as their happy i am happy 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? nah27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? whose partner doesnt make them laugh wtf28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? latest unhhh episode when trixie “snake charms” katya and the producers edited in alaska 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? no30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? depends (difference between accidently fucking up and murdering someone) 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? i hate all boys so yes32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? the only feeling people have about me is disgust 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? nah fam my blood is 99% mountain dew34. Listening to? nothing but usually u’s 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? yeah 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? cant remember last person whop kissed me 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? more like LUST at first sight ammirite fella s38. Who did you last call? cannot remember last phone call imade 39. Who was the last person you danced with? no one 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? cant remember last kiss i had41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? cant remember 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? im at college in rural wales and shes in lancashire so no 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? i dont have to have a crush to embarrass myselrf 44. Do you tan in the nude? i dont tan. I BURN. 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? cant remember last person i kissed46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? nope47. Who was the last person to call you? marketing call probably48. Do you sing in the shower? in dorms so no 49. Do you dance in the car? dont drive 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? yeah51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? never52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? fuck no53. Is Christmas stressful? nah most my family is either dead or divorced so christmas is chill 54. Ever eat a pierogi? wtf that55. Favorite type of fruit pie? rubarb pie 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? trophy wife 57. Do you believe in ghosts? yes 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? i read this in tracers voice but sometimes 59. Take a vitamin daily? no60. Wear slippers? yes61. Wear a bath robe? no 62. What do you wear to bed? shirt and pants 63. First concert? no 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? im in the uk so no 65. Nike or Adidas? no - not all sterotypes you read about lesbains are real 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? none 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? none 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? none 69. Ever take dance lessons? probably 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? idc as long as shes rich and i get to be a trophy wife i dont give a shit 71. Can you curl your tongue? yes72. Ever won a spelling bee? not a thing here 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? probably74. What is your favorite book? the 7 habits of highly productive elves 75. Do you study better with or without music? listen buddy i dont study 76. Regularly burn incense? im in dorms 77. Ever been in love? nope!78. Who would you like to see in concert? aqours probably 79. What was the last concert you saw? cant remember 80. Hot tea or cold tea? both 81. Tea or coffee? both 82. Favorite type of cookie? all cookies 83. Can you swim well? im okay84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? no 85. Are you patient? FUCK NO86. DJ or band, at a wedding? dont care 87. Ever won a contest? probably not 88. Ever have plastic surgery? im a broke college kid 89. Which are better black or green olives? olives are spawn of satan90. Opinions on sex before marriage? fine with it 91. Best room for a fireplace? living room fite me 92. Do you want to get married?i havent met anyone yet so idk

[lindwurm-prince]

so i did say that id post about what’s going on with me recently and i dont have enough energy to explain everything but uh 

1) i have a sleep problem, where for some reason i avoid sleeping like the plague i cant tell you why i do it i just Do, and its been getting worse and worse so now it’s at the point where i get to sleep around 6-7am and wake up at noon because my sleep schedule has been slowly rotating forward for years. my parents do try to drag me out of bed but theyve become more lenient with me begging for mercy every morning so they dont bother me until noon. so on days when i’m home i get a good 6-7 hours of sleep but on days when i have to go to school i only get 4-5. this has been going on for a long time (i’ve been getting this particular amount of sleep for about six months straight) and its just demolishing my brainpower. the psychologist who tested me recently showed that my measured IQ has dropped by 20 points since i was a teenager. i can’t creatively write anymore and i can barely comprehend stuff i read because of constant stress and adrenaline making my eyes dart around the page. when i wake up im always drenched in sweat and sore like i fell down a flight of stairs (because i don’t move in my sleep at all) and sometimes im disoriented and panicky until i fully wake. if left alone, i will sleep until dinnertime. this is making me super depressed because i have literally only enough energy for one thing per day, like i can do schoolwork OR one chore OR wash my hair OR go for a walk and maybe if im lucky i can choose two (today i went for a walk and vacuumed half the house so like, score!) and the rest of my day is spent laying in bed or if im having a good day (like now) sitting at my computer and watching shows/being on tumblr. idk what’s going to happen to me but like, its getting steadily worse and nothing has stopped it or even slowed it 

2) the isolation is really getting to me, like when i was younger i’d just make imaginary friends for myself which evolved into maladaptive daydreaming, but it’s really Not Good for a human being to be closed off from social life for over two decades. it doesnt matter how creative a person is at coping mechanisms, it all corrodes away at some point. i really crave a close irl relationship, like ive never dated or anything, i want someone who i can cuddle with and share stuff i like with. thing is its pretty much impossible for me to make friends now because i cant keep up with irl friends (see point 1) and some bad relationships online have made me very jumpy and distant about online friendships so i really only have my brother, and i feel guilty about putting so much pressure on him as my sole source of human intimacy so i’m trying to pull away from him too

3) i’m having a lot of trouble with internalized lgbtphobia too because of my complicated relationship with my parents and the tremendous guilt of being in a demographic that they have repeatedly condemned as sinful and perverse for my whole life, and not having a lgbt friend group to counterbalance that. i apologize for my periodical Self Loathing Internalized Bigotry Posts, so much of my life just feels like im trapped in a cage slowly going mad and all i can do is smash my head against stuff to try and make myself feel like im a martyr or at least a good person. so uhhhhhh i dont know who i am or if im allowed to choose that, i just feel like a nasty interloper in every group i join, and im sorry. i want to change i dont want to be Bad anymore but all these people are giving me conflicting ideas of what’s Bad and i can never seem to avoid all those things im emotionally clumsy and i say stuff that offends and angers people

skjdhgjlhsg im glad im on pc so i can readmore this because it got fucking long and rambly

anyway thats why my blog is like...so Ghost-heavy rn because the band/characters are a big comfort to me

[ines-latt]

whatever you want

im at school and i’ve been here since 12pm. its currently 3:11pm. im waiting for my first class of the day to start at 4:10 and my last class today ends at 9:45pm. i felt like just spilling words into some form of media to outlet my mind and to process what im currently feeling and i guess the reason why i decided to state the times and my schedule is so you or whoever might read this post can gauge what emotions i might be having right now. i had a bagel at 7am and just finished some lentil soup and pita bread before i started writing. 

im not sure what it is about me or what is currently happening internally or if its my astrological alignments that are making me feel this way. its been a few years, if not many with a steady progression, since ive been on a downward spiral. i feel as though i have no control over my life. i feel as though nothing is worth my effort and energy. i feel so heavy. emotionally, mentally and even physically. i cant bring myself to do the things that will eventually lead to my supposed end goal. im not sure if its depression or if its my anxiety. im not sure what exactly this wave of negativity is inside me but i hate it. i think im too comfortable. 

change is so hard for me but i know its exactly what i need. i thought attending a new school would give me the change i need to finally get the fuck up from this mess. maybe its not an immediate effect or whatever but im still the same. i still fucking feel the same. here i am sitting in the library for the third hour still not able to get myself to open my two online courses and check for work to do. its the fourth god damned week of school an i havent touched my two online classes. on the verge of breaking down for the third time within the last hour and i dont know how or what or when or where or fucking anything. im tired of reading and hearing that i can get whatever i want if i just work for it or if i just get up and take the first step. i hate that. i dont know how. i dont know which way. i cant fucking get up. 

-iz.l 9.20.17

[gogohedgehoglegs]

Walkway Marathon

Walkway Marathon June 11, 2017

Back for round 3!  So remember how last month, it was raining, and cool enough I actually needed arm sleeves?  Not tooodddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Its one million degrees, or at least something like that.  Thankfully I knew it was gonna be a hot one, so started drinking nuun saturday morning when I woke up, and kept that up the whole 24 hours until the race.  Drove over to Poughkeepsie on saturday, and Saturday was filled with fun stuff, lole shopping for wedding shower presents and general wandering, and picked up the bib.  I was surprised since bib pickup is required, but there wasn't an expo this year like there had been previously, so it was actually rather in and out.  If its essentially required to have bib pickup the day before(there is early morning packet pickup, but not convenient since there are shuttles involved to get to the parking, which is off campus, so what do you do with your shirt?), id like to see a little incentive to be there, and not sure why, since there had been the 2 previous years.

Dinner the night before was one of my 2 go-to's- sushi(vegetarian) this time!  Between the salt from the soy sauce and all the rice, its got the easy to digest things plus lots of salt.  Morning came quickly, since the race has a 7am start time, meaning need to be up with the chickens to eat.  Knowing it was going to be hot, the ritual was not unlike the ritual for last months- lots of aquaphor, body glide, and ride glide in all the known chafe areas.

Got over to the parking area near Marist with plenty of time, procrastinated in the car for a bit, then hopped the bus to head down there.  Previously there had been on campus parking, but the route was change this year because 1) people weren't fans of the supercrazy uphill right at the start 2) most runners apparently wanted the Walkway early in the race and 3) the Ulster rail trail side is closed this year because they are constructing a visitor center on that side, so you cant have a race going as far as it normally does.  Pre-race I just hung out of the portalet lines, watched the flyover by some classic bi-planes, and then it was time to line up and head out.

I have to say, I think this was the first time I have truly given up on any goals other than “finish,” since I have started running races.  With a start temp of 70, and rising from there, there just wasn't any point in putting myself at risk.  And just a sidenote at this point- one of my favorite things about this race is that in addition to water and Gatorade on course, they also have Nuun, for us of the weeny-stomach variety.

So the new course now winds gently through campus(uphill, but over a longer duration), before heading out for the tunnel under Rt 9, out of campus, and onto Fulton Ave to cut over to the Rail Trail, this time hopping on and heading toward the Walkway, with a much larger crowd than I'm used to since the Half and Full start together.  Along the rail trail, over the Walkway(its always pretty, and the breeze feels good), to the turn around right at the gate on the Highland side, and then back across the Walkway to head down the Dutchess Rail Trail for the remaining portion of the race.  Its warm, but apparently drinking nothing but Nuun for 24 hours helped, because I hold sub 8:30 splits through 12 miles, and probably the tree coverage is helping, as its keeping the direct, strong, sun off of us, although there's not as much breeze as I would have liked.

(photo credit Bob Kopak)

Once getting onto the Rail Trail I run with an half marathoner for a brief period of time, we trade a few war stories about warm races, she is one of many that I talked to that said after the warmth the last 2 years, she opted for only the half instead of the full, which is apparently a theme, since I was one of 187 full marathoners that finished(not sure how many started, but I was bib 198, so I'm going to guess somewhere between 200 and 250 actually started the race), as opposed to the 256 in 2016, and the 283 that finished in 2015.

(PS if you forget little baggies, your dogs poo bags work just as well so you can open the waffles ahead of time)

One of the most wonderful moments of the race(and it happened twice!!), was the angel who was out just north of where the trail crosses 55, where there's always a motorcycle training class during the race, is a woman! And not just any woman! But a woman who's got a whole cooler filled with ice! In little ziplock baggies!  I thank her profusely, take the baggy, stuff it in the front of my bra, and then proceed to pull the ice cubes(theyre the fun tube round ones) and suck on them one at a time until they're all gone/melted, and then drop the bag at one of the next water stops. Sometime around the Rt 55 crossing, I end up with another runner whos on the same pace with me, and then we adopt another woman who was going to pace her boyfriend, but he had actually decided to drop out at the point he was meeting her.  While there are signs noting there's a race going on, they actually don't have the rail trail closed, so shes runs along with us for a bit, and, since shes not racing, refuses offers for water at all the stops we pass and makes it clear shes not part of the race.  Just after the turn around at Mile 15, the 2 of them pull away from me, because I'm getting kinda tired. Heading back along the Rail Trail toward Marist, I have to admit, I'm kindof glad my parents didn't come out to cheer me at the point that's closest to their house, because I feel like it would have been way too easy to just hop off the course and go home.

Around Mile 17 I start walking through waterstops, taking both a cup of water and a cup of Nuun- fueling is continuing to go well, but I'm not taking any chances, because its HOT.  Crossing over Rt 55, the rail trail is actually elevated to cross over, so there's a great breeze on the bridge.  I stop and walk, just letting it blow all around me and cool me off.  Back along the trail, until about Mile 24, which is nice, because it truly means you are almost done when you hop back onto the roads to head back to Marist.  Although, having said that, they do seem like a long 2 miles, because there's a bunch of turns and landmarks along this part, so you cant really zone out and then suddenly realize you're gone 2 miles.  

{photo credit Donald Byfield}

But finally comes the turns onto campus, down a hill, under and through the tunnel, meadering through campus, up a hill, down a long hill, through the tunnel to the boat house(its really fun to yell while going through here, make sure you do it sometime), and then up the final hill and then down the hill to the finish!

Crazy as it sounds, in the stupid hot heat, I actually managed to better my time from Rhinebeck by the teensiest bit.  I make a mental note to do that more often, but, flashforward, I forget by the next race.

Its funny.  I said after this race that its the first one ive run in a long time with my head actually out of my ass and I needed to write about it so that I can remember I am actually capable or turning off that sick competitive gene, but it still took me forever to post this.  Guess I was waiting to see if the attitude stuck, because I need to learn from this, because life isn't handing me lemons at this point, its handing me rotten moldy lemons that I cant do anything with, and I really really need to learn when I need to throw the lemons out instead of trying to make lemonade with them.

Final Stats:

4:01:01

39/187 overall, 13/77 women, 5/18 F30-39