#ive been thinking about this all day bc I feel so guilty whenever I don't have it in me to be doing more

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i remember how i fronted a lot around you before and god i was so happy cause i thought someone finally accepts me. til i found out you exposed my messages on that server and im still so humiliated. yk after that, arveil said that if only i didnt front and showed my embarrassing personality, things between you and him wouldnt have been ruined.

so well i moved to ranting on twt instead of doing it in anyones dms after that to avoid it happening again. but every time i fronted to rant on twt i always seemed to receive replies from you bc you noticed something wrong about me and the things i say? i gaslighted myself for so long that maybe i truly am so flawed that's why no one seems to want me to the point that i don't remember anything loveable about me anymore.

and the last time i talked to you seriously and asked what is it that you even liked about me, you told me that you don't know how to answer. even though it was already obvious that you dont like me, i still desperately looked for signs. but well you said that question suffocates you. that it's hard to love me cause i require a reason to be loved. i just really wished to know if i'm being loved for who i am and im not just being used, but i never got to know. you said that im the one who pushes everyone away like a bitch then whines about it when i get lonely. sure that was true but how am i not gonna push everyone away after ive been lied to and abandoned a lot? and to make things worse how would i not be pushing you away out of fear when you kept saying and doing things that make me feel like you dont like me?

but the day you told me i wasn't worth your time was the day it became clear to me that maybe you never loved me. i dont really care if you didnt mean that cause it was the only thing that made sense. sure maybe you didn't feel that way towards arveil but i'm sure you feel like that towards me. it was arveil you loved and not me. you didnt like how i felt like a soulless shell to you whenever arveil wasn't fronting. i always managed to make you lose your patience and lash out cause of how paranoid i am. you'd get sick of how arveil tries to fix his friendship with you after i sabotage it so much. if you get sick of him it's probably my fault again. im the price everyone pays for just so they can be with arveil but soon you'd think that the price isn't worth it right?

i feel like you and arveil must hate me so much so i started resenting both of you. yeah i dont like it when people treat me horribly but i hate it even more when people mistake me for and treat me like im arveil. it makes me feel sick, it feels like im being reminded that it's arveil that everyone wants to talk to and not me. that things wouldve been better if i never existed.

i know that you're genuine with arveil but i know you have no reason to love me. i promised you before that i wouldn't force you to answer that question anymore. unless you have a good reason to tell me why you'd want to have any connection with me, don't force it. after all the things ive seen and heard from you, what reason is there for me not the think that you don't hate me like everyone else? i just don't wanna get my hopes up thinking that you'd want me and i dont wanna feel guilty if in the end i'll just be the reason why your time got wasted.

[hummingbirdswords]

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[flowersofjannah]

salaam sis, hope you've been well <3 i just needed some advice/ reassurance if you're okay with answering. I finished university not long ago and there was a guy who i had in mind to marry but didn't really tell many people about this. i wanted to do things the halal way and simply send a proposal after graduating as his character seemed good to me and unlike anyone i've met before. he wasn't arrogant and had a lot of admirable qualities from the subtle things i noticed. it's hard to fit everything into one message here but unlike anyone else i felt a strange sense of tranquility around him, humbleness, gentleness etc. In a lot of ways he seemed to be the ideal person for me and i had prayed a lot during ramadan and throughout university etc for him, if he was best for me and vv. Then when i had my mum send the proposal, turns out he got married just a few weeks beforehand. I felt heartbroken after this as ive never been interested in anyone to this degree and seriously saw myself with him. I know people may think these are just ideas but it's his character that really captured my interest from what i saw with how he interacted with other people/ me (although quite briefly over the years). he also didnt seem to interact with girls too much during university etc/ online from what i've known. ive started work now which im finding especially challenging given the jump from university, not seeing friends on a daily basis, the lack of the strong support network, not having that muslim sisterhood as i did on campus, responsibility and an overwhelming amount of work (which other people working at the same level as me seem to be fine with) etc - and i thought i was over this but every night or every other night i find myself crying about many different things including the situation with him and work related stuff, fears about the future etc. I know Allah has written everything and bc of Him ive been fine up until this point but i cant help but be scared that i wont do well in my job, find anyone who'll love me etc. i feel like i should be grateful for my life because on the outside i have everything and this is what makes me feel more guilty because i feel like being down about these things is me being ungrateful?? i feel like giving up most days and as days go by i feel like im hanging onto life my a very fine thread of hope/ just because i have to. every day i wake up and go to work and it's like im going through the motions, making small talk, laughing when i should at jokes that i dont really find funny, coming home and trying to be ok in front of my family who dont really understand the demands of my work/ how i've been feeling personally. My work setting is also one where i see a lot of unwell people and sometimes reading about their background is very depressing too and affects me a lot. also, i have younger sisters and theyre still in school (but look older than me i guess because of height etc) and whenever we go out/ to weddings, people have approached my youngest sister for marriage to their sons, but no one ever really considers me because they think im younger/ dont socialise as much etc. Of course im happy for my sis, though as the eldest it does feel strange that my sis who's still in school has people already lining up to send proposals yet no one really considers me even though im at the age where im starting to look for people. i guess everything Allah does is for a reason but i do often feel that i'll end up alone - lately ive been wishing for companionship that centers around love of Allah but im also trying to improve myself but the above has made this so hard. im not sure i make much sense here but everything feels quite overwhelming at this point. i appreciate this is a long message that's probably all over the place and you don't have to reply to this, but your words are always appreciated. jazakallah khayr for taking the time to read all of this xxx [if this is off anon please don't post]

Wa ‘alaykum assalam sister, alhumdulilah I’m well. I do apologize I took a while to answer you :( <3

Hmm, you know sis, we humans always want more, you aren’t alone in that. Our challenge is to be happy with what we have and then there is no harm in hoping for more. It is a hard challenge. Having a good social life and being surrounded by people who love you is a desire of every human. Allah created us wanting to fit in, wanting social connections. As they say, humans are social animals. It’s true. I can absolutely relate to you.

I don’t know about your religious practices, but I would suggest to increase your Quran reading (in your own language). The way Allah talks to us is so uplifting and you will come out with a stronger trust in Allah and in His plans.

Would you consider changing your career if it affects you so negatively? Perhaps it would be better to work in a profession where you don’t have to see/hear the hurting of others. It’s tough to go about your day knowing how terrible another might feel.

Sis please don’t believe you will end up alone. My last ask was on this topic too, please read my answer for that one as well (it’s right before this post!). I can understand how you feel, but we as Muslims never give up sis. Keep making dua, and search. We have so many more resources to find a partner now, use them. Try them all. But don’t get frustrated if it takes a while, for most it takes time. Tie your camel and leave it to Allah. You put in your effort, and at the right time you will find someone in sha Allah. Allah knows what we want, “Does He who created not know?” (67:14) and He will grant it to us, He tests our faith, He tests our patience and gratitude. Stay patient, He will answer your duas. Your sisters have their own rizq and timeline and you have your own. Age is really just a number in Allah’s planning. Some get married at 18, some get married at 36. Trust His timing, His plan. He will never let you down if you rely upon Him. Never ever!

If there are groups and clubs in your city, please look into that. Maybe a YM (Young Muslims) group? Or a group in the masjid? There are a lot of community groups on facebook too, you can also check the nextdoor app if your neighborhood has it. I pray Allah grants you righteous friends and spouse, ameen.