#ive been inactive for almost a year and i didn't realize

[kiisuuumii]

to your point about feeling like a planet hurdling through space - i don't think there's anything wrong with it, there are stretches in life where we're productive, and others we are not, even though it might seem like inaction, it's a period of rest.

& to your other point about wanting to leave your life in the hands of something greater than you, and having things in your hand that feel bigger than you - have you ever read the story 'god of arepo'? it's a story that was written on here for a writing prompt, you should be able to find it easily, i'd recommend reading it since it relates to the point i'm going to make - god or whatever greater force is out there, must think that our troubles must be big, too big even for them- we don't have the luxury of being immortal so that on a greater scale, these problems would eventually be a blip on the radar. but still they carry on, doing their best even if it doesn't seem like our woes don't lessen, maybe the best they could ever do is just maybe quietly listen, bearing your troubles if for a moment. i'm sorry, i didn't mean for this ask to be long, feel free to ignore it, your post just made me think about things too and i just had some thoughts on the matter

sorry this went much longer than your ask sdgkha just sorta spat out my stream of consciousness,,, hopefully this makes some sorta sense ^^;;;

i just wanna clarify rq that, when i said i wanted to place my life in the hands of something bigger than me, i meant i wish i knew whether all of this burden means something, almost how so many people can blindly believe in something bigger. i've never been the religious type, but i've always wanted /something/ to believe in; i just have always found it hard to believe in anything influencing anything for us, knowing what i know about physics and entropy and how we abide by the laws of mortality first and foremost and that we're all just tending towards chaos, towards nothing.

maybe it's because i'm human that i can't seem to buy into the idea of a god, but your bringing up of 'god of arepo', and my rereading of it, made me realize that, despite not really believing in gods or deities or some bigger force that has the power to pull some strings for us or whatever, i've found myself with a candle dish i recycled into a place to put my change from when i use cash, as offerings to the goddess fortuna. it just felt right to start doing one day; i had an extra candle jar lying around and wanted to keep but didn't know what to do with. i just started it without really expecting anything. even now i don't. but ive found myself continuing to leave my change for fortuna.

i'm really glad that you reminded me of that story (i'd read it before, years ago, but had forgotten everything about it). it got me thinking about why i leave offerings to a being that i can't even be sure exists, and i think it's as arepo says: "it’d be nice to think there’s a god looking after me."

maybe this all means something, maybe it doesn't. maybe all this suffering is just suffering. regardless of what this life means and ends up meaning, i think i've been looking for someone (or something) to see that i'm always trying to be better than i was yesterday, even if i fail and repeat mistakes. not to receive validation from someone or something else. but to just bear witness. to know that someone or something is.

i dont think that i wouldve been able to get any of this into perspective for myself without you, anon, or the story of the god of arepo. i'm probably going to go on continuing to offer my change to fortuna, because idk i don't think it would hurt to keep doing it, i need a place to keep my change anyway. but, i do also want to believe that, even if this higher power can't or won't do anything for me, there's /something/ that is bearing witness to the ways i've changed over the years, even if there's just a small possibility of it. that i'm really /not/ alone on this dumb little journey of a life.

[candlesundae]

*knock knock* Hello? It’s been a while my dudes. How’ve you all been?

[rabbithaver]

i have known for awhile that i'm completely replaceable and forgettable. it isn't just my depression saying this. it is actual quantifiable fact. in the past 23 years of my life, i've just been finding more and more evidence that proves this to be true, so you think i would be used to it by now. you'd think it would have stopped hurting by now. after two decades i've had countless experiences proving that no one would notice if i vanished completely from the face of the Earth, but every time it happens, it still cuts deep.

last Friday i caught a seven day ban on Facebook, meaning i am unable to post, comment, react to or like other posts, share posts to my feed for others to see, moderate the groups i run, or even edit old posts. i can’t do ANYTHING except message other people. so for the past week i have been completely silent. inactive. i even deleted the app from my phone so i couldn't instinctively go back and scroll through my feed.

i am much more active on Facebook than anywhere else. i have about 400 friends on my Facebook account, and i often share posts (memes, stories, etc) for them to see. i will share other posts or make my own up to 60 times a day, and it’s extremely rare for me to go radio silent for more than 24 hours. in the past, when i’ve gone quiet, they’ve noticed and checked on me.

they didn’t notice this time. at all. not one person out of the 400 people on my friends list has noticed. if they did notice they never said anything. maybe they didn't care. or maybe they were even relieved that they had a break from me. maybe they're hoping that if they stay quiet, i'll never come back

when i'm having a hard time and posting about it to vent, sometimes my friends say that they always notice when i’m gone because they have my posts marked under ‘Favorites.’ when you mark a person as a ‘Favorite’, their posts will always appear at the top of your feed when you log in -- basically, their posts are given priority over others. this means that the absence of my posts should be very clear. maybe they somehow missed it. though... a horrible part of me wonders if they were just lying out of pity.

in just 3 hours, the ban will be over. it's been seven days since i last posted, liked, commented, or shared, and... nothing. nobody has reached out. nobody has commented on an old post checking that i'm okay. nobody has tagged me, asking if something is wrong. nobody has DMed me. nobody has made a post of their own. hell, nobody has even reached out to my mom to ask if i'm even still alive.

i know they probably have things going on in their own lives, the world is busy and all. but... some of these people are my best friends... and none of them have even realized ive been gone. i know it isn't out of malice; none of them would try to hurt me on purpose like that. they're good people.

it happens on Tumblr, too. every single time my blog has gone inactive for months at a time, when my queue has run out completely, nobody has send in asks or messages. nobody has missed me. it makes sense, though. most people follow well over a thousand other blogs. i'm just a name to them. i'm just a name to you.

it isn't just on the internet. it happens in real life, in almost every single relationship i have with other people. why? it's who i am as a person. i am forgettable. i am replaceable. i am not special in any way. my mediocrity is the only trait i possess that isn't negative.

any possible good quality i could have is worthless because every single person i will ever meet in my entire life is going to know someone better than me. maybe i'm funny sometimes? well, Brad is funnier. maybe i'm okay at drawing? well, Melvin, Steven, and Sarah are all a billion times more skilled. maybe my writing is slightly better than the average person's? yeah, well, that doesn't fucking matter, because everyone on the face of the fucking planet is going to know someone who's a billion times better, so i'd be wasting my time publishing anything.

when people do remember me, it's for the horrible shit i've done. it's for the way i've treated them both in the past and now. it's for the faux pas. it's for the horrible beliefs i held growing up. it's for the biases i still hold now and can't seem to shake. it's for the countless awful social habits i've developed that i can't seem to kick. it's for the endless ways i have disappointed them. it's for the pity they've had for me. it's for the horrible shit i've said to people when i'm in distress. it's for the times i've fucked up so badly in public that they've suffered the worst second-hand embarrassment of their life. it's for my inability to grow as a person. it's for the fact that i am apparently too fucking stupid to unlearn all the awful habits and traits i've picked up from growing up in a conservative family. it's for my abusive personality. it's for my manipulative behavior. it's for the public breakdowns. it's for the failed friendships. it's for my impulsive behavior. it's for my lack of a brain-mouth barrier. it's for my abusers, who i have emulated in all of the worst ways. it's for my refusal to take responsibility for my actions. it's for my tendency to run away from the conflicts i can't handle. it's for the guilt-tripping. it's for my ugly face. it's for the disgust they feel when looking at my body. it's for my complete inability to shut the FUCK up about shit nobody cares about. it's for the fact that i am a judgemental prick. it's for the fact that i am inherently worthless. it's for the fact that i haven't changed in years -- i'm still the exact same piece of shit i've been since middle school. it's for the fact that i somehow get away with every single fuck up, every single argument, every single horrible insult. it's for the fact that i relapse over and over and never make any progress in recovery. it's for the fact that i have never, ever, EVER been good enough. it's for the fact that they're afraid of saying how much they dislike me because they don't want to trigger my worthless fucking feelings. it's for the fact that i brainwash people into caring about me, into thinking i'm a good person with value. it's for the fact that i manipulate people into thinking a friendship with me is a good idea. it's for the fact that i trap people in my life and dont allow them to move on and find someone better.

when people remember me, it's because i am worse than my abusers in every single fucking way. i am just as stupid, angry, bitter, hateful, toxic, manipulative, and dangerous to be around as they were, if not worse. and the best part? they were doing it on purpose. i'm like this because it's intrinsic to who i am. if it wasn't, the years of energy i've put into trying to better myself would've made a difference. they didn't. i really am Like that.

one of these days i'll get over my fears and do myself -- and everyone else -- a favor. if i'm dead they don't have to feel bad about forgetting i exist. if i'm dead, i can't hurt anybody. if i'm dead, i can't trap every single person in my life in a friendship they feel too guilty to escape. if i'm dead they don't have to worry about forgetting me. if i'm dead they don't have to see my stupid 23498234-paragraph-long posts. if i'm dead, they don't have to hear me talk for hours about the stupid shit i like. if i'm dead, they can move on without fearing that i'll panic over being "abandoned." if i'm dead they can be happy. i just need to stop being afraid of pain and i can fix it for everybody.

when people remember me, it's because they wish they never met me.

[fractempyreal]

Do you have a rules page/bio page? I keep trying to load your site but it keeps crashing almost seconds after I do on desktop? Sorry, didn't want to bother you but I was just curious. Thank you

I do! It’s on my theme and it’s the star that’s hovering above the little info box to the right, but I’ll put them here under a readmore if you can’t get to them. Note that some of these do need to be edited, and the bio is limited for the most part until I kick myself to finish it, but this is the gist of it.

RIFP mobile users. Here we go:

✔ CROSSOVERS, OCS, DARK THEMES, PLOTTING, MUTUALSX M!A’S, HARASSMENT, SHIPPING, DRAMA, PASSWORDS, INCEST, PEDOPHILIA, ETC.

CANTO I: BEGINNING

This is an independent RP blog for the character Vergil from Devil May Cry. This blog is in no way affiliated with the games, & all content on the blog belongs to their rightful owners. Content on this blog will be NSFW in terms of BLOOD, GORE, DARK THEMES, POTENTIAL BLASPHEMY, & SEXUAL CONTENT. Vergil will be a mix of game & book canon along with my own headcanons, potentially with a slight canon divergence in terms of the post-events of DMC3/Nelo Angelo, at least until there is more known about Devil May Cry 5.

Vergil is not a kind person, nor is he weak. If you challenge him, he will respond. I do not hold back my muse & I ask that you not try to be cheeky & test this unless you are willing to accept that Vergil will indeed wail on your muse to put them in their place. Respect my muse, I respect yours.

Most interactions will take place Post-Nelo Angelo incident unless requested otherwise.

Triggers will be tagged _______ tw, & if there happens to be something specific that you need tagged, please let me know! I have no triggers of my own, but I do ask that the DADDY KINK BE TAGGED.

On the subject of Nero being Vergil’s son, this is not something I’ll consider as canon UNLESS IT’S ALREADY BEEN DISCUSSED WITH THE MUN.

I do not send in passwords. I make it a habit to go onto a person’s blog & read their rules, so I hope that I’m given the same courtesy in return.

I don’t do M!A’s.

I DON’T TOLERATE INCEST, PEDOPHILIA, RACISM, DUB/NONCON, OR ANYTHING OF THE LIKE. PLEASE DON’T FOLLOW ME IF YOU WRITE OR CONDONE THESE THINGS.

CANTO II: THE DESCENT

I am a HIGHLY PRIVATE & SELECTIVE BLOG. I run multiple other blogs on top of this one, so I will not have time to RP with everyone & for this, I apologize. There are, of course, other fantastic Vergil blogs to follow & interact with in the DMC RPC!

I will follow where I see a possible interaction. I am MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, meaning that I will only interact with people who I am in a mutual follow with. Some things that tend to have me turn away from following a blog aside from incompatible muses is too much OOC content, inactivity, missing about/rules page ( this applies to both canon & OC blogs ), or simply not a lot of effort placed into replies, since I do tend to read people’s replies.

I typically unfollow a blog after an inactivity period of 4 months without hiatus notification unless they’re a friend. If this happens to be a category that you fall into, & you return to a blog that’s been inactive & I have unfollowed, simply hit me up or like some of my posts so that I realize you’re still around for me to follow back.

I don’t press for exclusivity. Usually, a person’s muse will naturally become a main muse for me, but that does not necessarily mean that I won���t interact with a duplicate. Please do understand that, being a private RP blog, those who I have known for a long time will be prioritized, but I will get to other threads in a ( hopefully ) timely manner.

On the note of exclusivity, I don’t really practice it outside of shipping. Otherwise, I am open to interacting with other duplicates of Vergil as long as the other mun is comfortable. DMC muses, I won’t be practicing exclusivity with simply because I wouldn’t want to tie someone down when I can’t promise high activity.

I sometimes don’t notice the moment that someone’s followed me. I typically follow back after 3-4 days. If I have not followed you back in that time, then know that I have made my decision & ask that you respect that. Trying to harass me into following you will not work in your favor & will result in a hard block.

Asks & questions about my muse are open to anyone, but interactions/memes are limited to mutual. Personals are free to follow my blog as long as they are aware of RP etiquette & don’t reblog threads or spam like/reblog my posts as it ruins my notifs bar, & will result in a hard block. You are more than welcome to reblog images that I reblog.

CANTO III: INTEMPERANCE

THIS BLOG WILL MORE THAN LIKELY NOT CONSIDER SHIPPING WITH ANYONE UNLESS WE ARE ALREADY CLOSE FRIENDS. Considering how difficult it would be to ship with Vergil, not to mention that I’ve had enough issues in the past concerning ships & I would rather avoid it. I ask that this wish be respected.

If by any chance I decide to smut with someone, the post will be properly tagged with a simple NSFW so that it’s easily caught by blacklist. Depending on my partner, I can either place the post under a cut or not.

CANTO IV: INFERNO

I do not tolerate anon hate, theft or constant vague blogging/drama from anyone. Callouts are fine when they have fundamental reason to be spread & I will tend to reblog a couple depending on the level of seriousness, such as theft, abuse, racism, etc.

AGAIN, DO NOT FOLLOW ME IF YOU SUPPORT WRITING INCEST, RAPE, PEDOPHILIA, UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES ,OR THINGS OF SUCH NATURE. There is no debate, no ifs or buts, just turn around & leave. I have been in the fandom long enough that I’ve seen the ships that dominate the community & I want to see absolutely NO PART OF IT on my blogs.

CANTO V: ALL HOPE ABANDON, YE WHO ENTER HERE

My name’s Whitney! I’m a 22+ year old nerd that’s been stuck in DMC hell ever since I was 8. Save me.

I am a busy person, working two jobs & attending University. With that being said, things will be slow on this blog. While I don’t mind being reminded about a certain thread, I would appreciate not being harassed over replies. I’m just here to have fun.

ABOUT

NAME: Vergil

AGE: Old af, appearance to be in his early 40’s in events of DMC5

GENDER: Cis Male, he/him pronouns used

SPECIES: Half-Devil, Half-Human

ALIASES: Dark Slayer, Son of Sparda, Nelo Angelo, The Alpha and the Omega

LANGUAGES: English, Japanese, Italian, Spanish, Latin, Greek, Dimoori Sheol

HEIGHT 6’5”

HAIR: A snowy white with a bluish sheen to it, it’s appearance is rather sleek. Pushing it back away from his face more often than not, it can at times look rater spiky despite the reality that it’s extremely soft & silky to the touch. With his hair down, the relationship between him & his twin is irrefutable, thus the act of pushing his hair back is to keep himself from looking anything like his brother.

EYES: Powder blue, like that of ice. They’re piercing—– haunting—– they’re the eyes of a man that has seen much as well as lost. There is seemingly no warmth to them, & accentuate that there indeed is a difference between he & his brother.

DISPOSITION: Usually a cold & aloof man, he is one of few words. He is not warm nor friendly towards strangers, disregarding them from the get-go unless he finds use of them. Most put him off as cold & unfeeling, which in most cases is correct as long as it’s someone that he doesn’t know. It can be unsettling to make an attempt to interact with him if you have no reason to. He doesn’t like having his time wasted.

BODY TYPE: Aside from being imposing in stature, his physical makeup is also rather intimidating. Broad & extremely muscular, he maintains the appearance of an individual that puts himself through vigorous daily training. HE IS EXTRAORDINARILY POWERFUL, & HIS STATURE DOES LITTLE TO HINDER HIS SPEED.

GENERAL APPEARANCE: A picture of elegance & class, he dresses himself in only the finest materials. He is always clean shaven & his wardrobe is well-maintained. Usually dressing in dark colors, they accentuate his sharp features as well as bring out the piercing, pale iciness of his gaze.

SPEED     ⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿ AGILITY     ⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿ STRENGTH     ⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿ DEFENSE     ⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿ STAMINA     ⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿ STRATEGY     ⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿

[nickygrows]

My Journey

By Nicky Jones

We have arrived once again at 4/20. Today we celebrate all things Cannabis. As we contemplate a more laid back manner of doing things, allow me to tell you my story of how Cannabis saved my life. It gets a bit heavy, but sometimes that's just the way it is. Here goes...

Six years ago, at the age of 34, a nuclear warhead was detonated in my life. After a lifetime of wondering if I had back problems, an acute disc herniation at L4-L5 painfully confirmed this suspicion. Prior to this incident I was an active father who enjoyed running quite a bit and had a decent job working in a mill. After the incident, I quickly lost touch with who I was completely.

When I first met the neurosurgeon that went on to operate on my spine, he thought he was in the wrong room. He stared down at the chart in his hands and then back up at me with a puzzled look on his face. The MRI looked bad. At the time, I didn't so much. Just before my injury, I was in good shape clocking in at a fairly lean 180 pounds. He explained that my spine looked like the spine of a much older, much heavier man. He didn't expect to see this young, fit guy on his examining table when he walked into that room, but there I was. Pain and fear had crashed into my life like an 80 mile per hour head on collision. I rushed to the operating table.

My postoperative recovery went pretty much as bad as it could go. The company I worked for decided I needed to hurry back to work to keep my job. So I skipped much of the healing process and went chasing a little bit of money. My employer soon realized I was no longer the strong and capable worker that they had hired. It didn't take long at all for them to find a reason to push me out the door after nearly five years with the company. I had surgery in January and was jobless by April. I quickly found another job working for the city. I worked 3 days and they also fired me when they got the results of my pre-employment health screening. They said I was too high risk and therefore unemployable. I didn't know it yet, but I was down for the count. I gained 100 pounds the first year after surgery putting me around 280 pounds. I was in constant, immobilizing pain which was compounded by the added weight. The weight kept me from being active and being inactive caused more weight gain. To make matters much worse, my pain was horribly managed with a myriad of drugs including dangerous opioids, which would be given and taken away seemingly at random. I felt like I was being tormented by a mean bully. I now know this bully’s name is pain management. Round and round you go, where do you stop? Look at the statistics and you will see. Years of destructive drug addiction and pain ensued. All the while I gained weight.

Three hard years had passed since my spinal surgery and I was almost at rock bottom. Not far to go now. I was around 320 pounds. I had gained approximately 140 pounds since my injury. To mask the pain, I was on a fentanyl patch that would kill me if I were to put it on right now. I had to lose weight. I joined a weight loss program that offered a pathway to gastric sleeve surgery. This was a last ditch effort to be rid of the extra person I was carrying around. I am honestly not sure how I made it to surgery in the weight loss program. The program was great, but by this time I was in a very bad place. The psychologist that evaluated my emotional ability to have the surgery and move forward postoperatively did not want to clear me. I was a mess. With tears running down my face, I explained to the doctor that this was my last hope to get any semblance of my life back. Although I really didn’t believe it would work, I somehow convinced them that I did. I was cleared. I had to give it a shot. I was literally dying.

In preparation for my surgery, the pain management doctor decided to cut my pain meds in half. They explained that if they didn’t decrease my tolerance, then there would be no option to treat my postsurgical pain. This sent me into a tailspin of opioid withdrawals much akin to coming off of Heroin. I felt like I had some nightmarish version of the flu. In addition to all of the typical flu symptoms, I was also experiencing mind-melting depression and anxiety among other things and was having to change clothes and sheets several times a night due to the fact that I literally sweating it out. After a few days of this I made a monumental, life-altering decision. I decided that if it was gonna be this bad to reduce this poison coursing through my veins by half, then how much worse could it get to just do the whole enchilada. The answer was: much worse, It could get much worse. I had my wife hide my firearms. I had to phone friends and family I hadn't reached out to in years in the middle of the night just to avoid losing my grip on my sanity. It felt like I was sick right down to the center of my soul. This went on for weeks that seemed more like years. I decided to try medical cannabis to help with the withdrawals and the pain. I came out on the other side completely done with opioids and ready to move forward with the surgery and the next chapter of my life.

I had gastric sleeve surgery on April 10, 2017. There was nothing easy about this process. However, once I made the decision that I wanted to live my life rather that allow it to continue to be stolen from me by circumstances, I took the surgery and everything that it involved very seriously. I stuck to the program’s month long liquid diet to the letter before the surgery and left the rest in the capable hands of my surgeon. Everything went well with my operation and recovery. I continued to follow the program instructions which set me on a path which led me out of darkness and into the light.

Since my surgery I have continued to educate myself on how to live healthier. I am now very careful about not only the quantity, but the quality of the things i put into my body. I was able to go back to work, but I gave up the mill life. I now earn my living as a gardener, which is a passion I have had most of my life. I have developed a yoga practice that helps me deal not only with my pain, but allows me to condition my mind, body, and soul to remain focused on a positive, healthy lifestyle. I continue to use cannabis as an alternative to opioids and it handles my pain and occasional anxiety much more effectively than anything I have previously been prescribed. And all without the horrible life-ending side effects that come with opioid pain medications. It didn’t happen overnight, but I made it back down to 180 pounds which is where I was before my life-altering spinal injury six years ago.

I am very specific with which Cannabis strains that I use. I stick with Sativas during the day to stay focused, creative, and energetic. They help tremendously with inflammation and take the edge off my pain. Some of my favorite Sativas are Jack Herer and Green Crack. In the evening I switch over to a heavy hitting Indica such as Yoda OG or 9 Pound Hammer . These make the pain drift away and my sleep quality is top notch.

In January of this year, I experienced another acute disc herniation. This time at L5-S1. I was taken to the ER by ambulance and spent nearly a week in the hospital learning to walk again with the new level of pain. This was nearly the same injury with nearly identical symptoms and pain as my original spinal injury. But this time it went much differently. In the hospital, the entire staff were very interested in what was different about me. It really caught their attention when instead of asking for more IV pain medication, I said “No thanks, I am weaning myself off of that, so I won’t need my dose for another 6 hours”. Before I left the hospital, I was completely off the IV pain meds and up walking the halls. According to my nurses, I was a continued hot topic during daily staff meetings. The thing is, I wasn’t seeking any attention or special treatment. I used the spotlight to show anyone who was willing to look that there was a better way to swing when life throws curves. They sent me home with a few pain pills which I was done with 3 days later, about the same time that I ditched the walker I came home with. I now have the most heartwarming support system in the form of family, friends, and healthcare providers. With the help of my beautiful RN wife, amazing physical therapist, and a brand new perspective on life I am healing my current injury without surgery or opioid pain medications. Therapy and Cannabis. Although my right heel remains completely numb as a reminder that I did in fact experience some serious nerve agitation due to the herniation, the rest of me is wide awake and present for every moment of my life.

Happy 4/20 💚