#ive been in my 'wanting man' era for like a month now

[blorbles]

it's nights like these (most nights) that i just want a Man to kiss me and lay entirely on top of me... damb

[gnc-tits]

ugh im seasonal affective disordering and then im regular degular disordering and then im like coming to terms with things that i thought were truths abt me but were actually truths about a past me and GET THIS not even the past me from The Past the past just like past me from pre moving out of my parents house like justtttt before and im like accepting the versions of me that i killed when i made that decision but now the problem is ive been living my life under the impression that those versions of me were congruent with the me that exists now so ive made decisions presuming im the me that would have existed had everything 18 yr old me wanted came to fruition and what freaking not. but like that didnt happen. sooooooo

[tremendum]

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Mr. Miller’s Masterlist

(not my gif.) 

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[series warnings (read individual for extra warnings): mean!Joel Miller x fem!reader, mentions of canon-typical injuries/violence/blood, consumption of alcohol and marijuana, age gap (implied 20+ years), rough smut (PiV, unprotected), sir kink, Jackson era, toxic reader and Joel tbh (mostly Joel), slapping (reader gets slapped and joel does too, all consensual), degradation kink, praise, dacryphilia, porn with SOME plot and feelings, possessive Joel. slow burn relationship - sort-of enemies to lovers.]

all parts contain smut.

i.   Mr. Miller

↬       ❝ six months before you ran yourself into any trouble with somebody - that’s no easy feat, considering your track record, so you like to call it a win anyways. but boy, talk about a rocky start with someone. Tommy’s goddamn brother, no less.❞

ii.  Mr. Miller’s House

↬        ❝ Joel Miller was a mean, mean man. and you eat it up like a woman starved for months.❞

iii.  Mr. Miller’s Girlfriend

↬        ❝ It’s delicious, this game you and Joel play. ❞

iv.  Mr. Miller’s Patrol

↬        ❝ you wonder, does he want a taste of the blissful relaxation that follows one inhale - or is the craving in his eyes for something else? ❞

v.  Sympathy for the Devil

↬      ❝your stomach drops at Joel’s words - where's the anger, the stubbornness? where's the cocky Joel, the one who would probably stiffly mutter he's sorry he offended you before slamming three fingers of the Bison's liquor and walking out with a glare?❞

vi.  Mr. Miller’s Show

↬      ❝'like how sweet you've been t'me, sugar," he mutters gently, head tilting, "why y'gonna go and fuck all that up now?'❞

vii.  Setting the Mood

↬      ❝Joel's warming up to you in the way that feral cats warm up to a box with blankets in winter - cautiously, with a rigid spine and many false alarms.❞

viii. Mr. Miller's Injury

↬      ❝"you aren't doing anything, Mr. Miller," you tilt your head, bending to fit level with his face. "if you recall, you're too injured to even leave the bed'.❞

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taglist for this fic is closed. please follow @tremendumnotifs for updates.

.

[spideysbruh]

Distance

liked by tchalamet, sabrinacarpenter and 3,272,737 others

y/n i love you heaps, like candy sweets

view all 97,626 comments

tchalamet i love you more, like the sea loves the shore

y/n liked

rocketyn my favorite celeb couple fr

ynslipgloss yns aesthetic is my favorite it's so pleasing

@y/n just tweeted- just said bye to my boyfriend cause he'll be gone for like four months oh imma kms

@snowyyn replied- me after I finish a movie with him

@y/n replied to @snowyyn- girl me too

@realchalamet replied- stop. I miss you already.

@y/n replied to @realchalamet- BABEEE 😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- princess. missing her so much

liked by tchalamet, rachelzegler and 3,827,288 others

y/n in my tropical era 💕

view all 101,772 comments

tchalamet I MISS YOU

y/n I MISS YOU MORE BABY

tchalamet so beautiful

y/n liked

tchalamet I wish I could twirl your hair around my fingers right now.

y/n stop im gonna cry. I wish you were here so I could give you a back rub

modernyn oh he's a mess rn

ynstan his comments 😭😭🫶🫶🫶🫶💕 so cute

@y/n just tweeted- watching kingsman im literally sooooo horny right now

@lovelyyn replied- REAL AS FUCKK

@y/n replied- like that man can do whatever he wants to me I swearrrr

@chromeyn replied- god I hope you never stop oversharing with us

@realchalamet replied- um ??? we're still together babe chill 🤨

@y/n replied to @realchalamet- ... im literally sooo joking hahaha you're the only man I've ever found attractive hahahaha (I miss you so much)

@realchalamet replied- I can see you still replying to other people 🙄

@richgirlyn replied- I'm deadd but I sooo understand you

@y/n replied- likeeeeee ?!!!???!

@y/n just tweeted- got high and took pictures of taron egerton in kingsman like it was a concert

@busyyn replied- been there fr

@huffleyn replied- sounds like a normal viewing of that movie tbh

@realchalamet liked and replied- what about my movies ? 🙁

@y/n liked and replied- oh dune is next baby don't worry

@realchalamet liked and replied- YAYYYYY

y/n just posted a story!

caption- missing his goofy lil ass extraaaa hard rn 🤧

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- missing this

@chalswonka just tweeted- bro timmy is yearning soooo bad lmaooo they gotta see each other soon I swear

@princessyn replied- it's so funny the differences in their posts y/n is just thirsting over ppl in movies and then he's like "miss her so much😭😭😭🔫🔫🔫💔💔💔" LMAOOOO

@spaceyn replied- tbf ppl were hating on her when she WOULD post about him a lot in the beginning, so she toned down a lot. ppl hate on her too much smfh

liked by y/n, hallebailey and 3,817,277 others

tchalamet MY LOVE SURPRISED MEEEE

view all 204,287 comments

ynssocks YAYYY MY PARENTS ARE TOGETHER AGAINN

y/n ig I love you or smth idk 🙄

liked by tchalamet

y/n this is about to be the best four days of your life fr

liked by tchalamet

timmylaurie god she's so pretty wtf man

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- babygirl 😍😍😍🥰🥰

liked by tchalamet, florencepugh and 3,287,227 others

y/n 🥺 missed him lots

view all 121,888 comments

tchalamet like tater tots?

liked by y/n

florencepugh MY FAVOURITE PEOPLEEE

y/n I LOVE YOU FLO

lucyxyn the throwback to her older captions w him 😭🫶

y/n just posted a story!

caption- our last day together for another two months 💔

liked by y/n, zendaya and 4,727,288 others

tchalamet i love you.

view all 92,828 comments

y/n this is gonna be the worst two months of my life

bratzyn she's literally an angel I swear

lauriesamy he always takes the best pictures of her 🥺

takemetotheyn you glow different in the photos taken by someone who truly loves you

tchalamet liked

@y/n just tweeted- help i miss my bf 💔

@pepperyyn replied- uh oh now she's yearning 😭😭

@ynshairtie replied- there we goooo

@realchalamet replied- I miss you more 🥺

@snowyyn replied- damn no thirsting now

@y/n replied- well... maybe later 😔🤧

@y/n just tweeted- watching 21 jump street and omg dave franco is so cute🤭🤭 ive been giggling for the entire movie

@lauriesyn replied- girl your mann!!

@tipsyyn replied- IT RHYMES WITH GRAPE

@ynsbra replied- if she was still w her ex he would cry and post ab how he's gonna khs over this

@sazonyn replied to @ynsbra- HELPP WHOS HER EX ?!?!?!!!

@ynxtim replied- sh*wn m*ndes 💀💀 there's so many compilations of him being a weirdo jealous obsessed bf w her... even after for a while he was weird ab her. even though HE broke up w HER ... anyways yeah he sucks

@realchalamet replied- reduce... reuse... recycleee 🎶🎶🎶

@y/n liked

@y/n replied- i love how that's the scene you remember 😭😭💕

liked by tchalamet, rachelzegler and 3,716,227

y/n living like a lusty flowerrr

view all 96,728 comments

tchalamet I can't take this, you're too beautiful how did this happen

y/n liked

lauriesyn she's so ethereal

tchalamet are you running through the grass for hours?

y/n yeah and rolling through the hay like a puppy child fr

rachelzegler my pretty best friend !!!

y/n we ARE the two pretty best friends

y/n just posted a story!

caption- missing this. missing you @tchalamet

@y/n just tweeted- SEEING MY BOYFRIEND OH SO SOONNNN

@y/n replied- I watched wonka and little women on repeat I swear that's how badly I missed him 😭💕

@wonkasyn replied- what a journey we've witnessed

@realchalamet replied- I CANT WAIT BABYYYY

@gourmetyn replied- yayyy my parents will be back together again 🫶

@y/n liked and replied to @gourmetyn- you still have to send the adoption papers

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- BABYYYY 😍😍

y/n just posted a story!

caption- GUESS WHO'S BACKKKKK

*

[viathecloset]

Taehyung and jungkook's relationship is overlooked by 90% of the fandom solely because they are so controlled by the narrative of the fandom/company that they cannot quite accept that anything outside is even a remote possibility. Ive been more of a quiet observer for years now [my sister's an army since 2015] and I've seen the boys, moreover I know how marketing and kpop works. It's quite evident if u observe close enough of the pattern on how this group of seven guys who genuinely love music is marketed you would understand to what extent you're being brainwashed. Im not talking about this like a conspiracy theorist. It's quite simple and right infront of you. Yall refuse to accept it that's all.

1. There are a certain set of stories that are made to be told by them, over and over again. Even if it disturbs them or they are bored. E.g: 2018 disbandment story, vmin dumpling incident, jikook rain fight/tokyo trip, mind you there are many things that happend between people who lived together for 10+ yrs but if it cuts the flow of events you are made to believe happened you aren't gonna hear from it, ever.

2. Like stories there are dynamics that each pair is supposed to portray Taegi as annoying/annoyed duo, taejin/jikook as flirty HS boyfriends, namseok/taekook the awkward old friends and no matter how much the relationships change or evolve you won't see it cuz again, it won't FIT the narrative that has already been shown.

3. Like relationships there are characteristics that thankfully some members chose to break out of during their solo era: hoseok always being sunshine and loud ( he's quite serious and very dedicated infact ), jungkook being that muscle dude who only knows how to follow his Hyungs ( he's very independent and has a lot of targets he wants to achieve individually, he's very thoughtful and organized) and Taehyung being WEIRD and weak ( he's extremely intelligent and super strong he's strategic and disciplined)

4. This brings us to the whole Taekook narrative, the fact that they've been seen so much during solo era yet people had the audacity to still call them distant and awkward solely cuz it wasn't via company but through Taehyung's ig or jungkook mentioning him in interviews etc. I think it's needless to say they aren't comfortable being touchy and showy on camera for content, hell if they were to shoot everytime Taehyung and jungkook hangout there would he enough CONTENT till 2067. They're supportive of eo and have a very big shared friend circle, when jungkook went missing for almost 2 months we got to know Taehyung was the one he was with.

5. The thing is everyone [ including my own sister ] thinks that Taehyung is being desperate or such whenever he mentions Taehyung cuz a. Yall have actually led jokers run so fucking rampant that everytime the man mentions him actually doing something you're ready to throw him under the bus and call him a liar or such. b. Im not saying jungkook isn't close to anyone else but when he isn't working or shooting content and just wants to be himself the one you saw him most was around Taehyung and yes it matters. In the name of hating shippers yall have not only dissed the quite frankly PRIVATE bond they seem to share but went as far as dissing Taehyung himself cuz of the extreme level of manipulation yall are under.

Ik imma find armys [jikookers ]under this sooner or later calling me names but to be honest I'm sick and tired of yall dissing very real people and their very real human relationships solely based off the content yall are made to believe is 100% candid. Go touch grass, get friends, go date, don't obsess over them for a while then come back and try seeing it from a neutral perspective.

[galaxostars]

If you had to choose your top five favourite marauders era characters and ships, what would they be?

This question was actually so hardddd haha and I feel like you could ask me again in a month and my answer would be different bc I’m such a multishipper that… yeah xD but for now here it issss :

Fave characters :

1. James Potter : mhm I love myself an arrogant goofball who’s actually smarter than people give him credit for, who’s got so much love he’s impulsive with it and hurts the ones he loves, who doesn’t know what to do with the loneliness that grips him sometimes, who defines himself by his ability to help people, who rarely allows himself to express himself negatively (ex : sadness/anger/frustration) because if there’s one thing that he fears the most, it’s hurting people. Plus, he hasn’t got any trauma or anything so why should he complain, yk?

Basically I love a good flawed James, and the sort of character where you wouldn’t expect him to have issues yk

2. Sirius Black : I mean… cmon do I even need to explain? ‘Cause if I start idk when I’ll stop, like literally. Ive had a crush on this character since I was eleven and never grew out of it, its almost embarrassing if it wasn’t completely justified (and the only reason he’s not number one is just because I write him less than James so I feel like I know him less intimately but like if you’d have asked me before I started writing I’d have put him number one for sure)

3. Regulus Black : !!!!! sorry but indoctrinated younger ‘abandoned’ (in between quotes bc he was not Sirius’ responsibility and Sirius was right to save himself but it’s also very normal for regulus to feel that way etc etc… we know the drill) sibling who’s faced with sudden delusion about this superior figure he’s followed/served, everything he’s lost in the process, and who redeems himself by going on this suicide mission that ends up being useless? (And unknown by Sirius AHHHH.) The guy is literally so smart and technically such a loser bc he doesn’t serve much for the plot and that’s what compelled me so much the first time I read hp 😭 he’s so tragic I love it

4. Narcissa Black : younger sibling; once again similar pattern to regulus but she survived, she’s so smart I’m, like, shaky in the knees, (esp i love female characters who do what they have to do to survive), she’s powerful too, and jkr is shit at writing female characters and I will never not be pissed abt it but I do think cissa was very compelling (+ Helen McCrory’s acting game was sooo perfect), very protective of her family and will stop at nothing to protect them, and that’s a value I respect so much. I will say, in general, any member of the black family is very compelling to me. Bellatrix would come right after narcissa in terms of fave from that family.

5. Barty Crouch Jr : listen if you know me, you know I’m… idk how to define myself actually, but I like unhinged stuff so. This is like. Peak unhingedness. Paired with intelligence bc we know canonically that man was smart af, and daddy issues? Dark hair, too? You just described my type. He’s even more compelling in tragic storylines (like past bartylus and barty joining Voldemort for regulus and then faced w the delusion and the grief? Gut wrenching) so yup.

Favorite pairings :

1. Moonshine (remus/james) : I know this sounds weird but a certain fanfic re wrote my brain chemistry and ever since then I’ve been obsessed. I just think they’re so tragically beautiful together. They’re both very selfless beings that just give and give and never prioritize themselves and together it’s a mess. They keep hurting each other because they’re so selfless, they’re not very good at reading each other and they let their insecurities get the best, they’re both frightened of how much they love, of the other not wanting them, of needing to « tame » their emotions. I love them.

2. Prongsfoot : FUCKING FOAMING AT THE MOUTH ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Together they’re. They. Just. I hate them bc of how much I love them if that makes sense. They’re everything. A law of the universe and whatnot. I love everyyyy fucking version of them. They make me cry they make me scream they make me smile they make me laugh, they’re literally my comfort ship.

3. Jegulus : they’re kind of the pairing that made me join the fandom, and though I don’t read them as much as I used to, they’ll always make me so soft. Enemies to lovers? Yeah, well I’m not immune yk. Best friend’s brother? Even better. Tragic and doomed? Yeah sign me the fuck up. I will say I like them just as much when it’s jegulily, but that’s also because I think poly relationships are so complex and compelling.

4. Moonwater : and not platonic haha, i have to say that basically i ship anyone who’s very smart imo with regulus, and Remus passes the test. Plus he’s also introverted, a book nerd, done with James and Sirius so i feel like they could bond very easily. I prefer them in a non canon sitting tho for some reason, but yeah I’m. So fond of them. They get into heated debates. Even their ship name is so dear to me because, that’s like both their biggest fears and pairing them in one name feels like they can overcome them if they’re together ? 😭 it’s so sweet (plus, it allows me to ship prongsfoot on the side lmfao)

5. Regulily : same reasoning as up there but like they’re probs the only het pairings that I really really love. i never expected them to be so important (but *cough cough* disintegration happened…) but honestly they make a lot of sense? I feel like Regulus would be more confident with Lily, and Lily would feel more calm with Regulus? They’re that scary hot powerful quiet couple yk. Anddd they can bond over siblings angst lmao.

[gallierhouse]

asking for opinions about armand on a friday night is crazy because ive been terrorizing the people in my life about him for a month and now?? im being asked to talk about him?? anyway so i couldnt get thru s1 back in 2022 bc it felt like a kind of rehash of hannibal (character dynamics wise) in a different setting and kind of bored me. i really liked louis in the pilot and honestly would just watch a historical drama about a black pimp and his gens de couleur family in 1930s nola and that was cruelly ripped away from me and ill never forgive lestat. BUT THEN s2 arrived and i gave it another go and armand just rose out of this show as a character ive truly never seen before?? his identity-lessness, his role as a bad stage director, that eager black hole growing around 500 years of life, its so fascinating. the Moment for me with him is obviously the donor painting seeing the whitewashed beautiful pleading garish (when compared with the real man) painting just shifted something in my soul. and THEN getting hit with the arun/maitre stuff and them the entirity of ep5 directly after? ive literally memorized the loumand argument from listening to it so many times Television of All Time fr. i love failmarriages that rot and decay and are inescapable and loumands whole thing felt so good and fresh and so so tasty. those bitches do not like each other. they dont even like each other and yet theyve stayed together for 77 yrs in a relationship built on abuse, spite, and 24/7 power exchange bdsm and thats CRAZY ! plus ive never seen toxic yaoi executed so well with two nonwhite, darkskinned characters and as a south asian that lowkey made me happy lol. anyway i love armand so much he sucks so bad but i do feel deeply seen and deeply compelled by his little gremlin ass

I miss Louis’ New Orleans era too. I get why Lestat fell in love with him, though, if I saw this beautiful creature pull a knife on his own brother in the middle of the street I’d stop at nothing to pursue him. It’s alluring. I think that’s the part of Louis Lestat has always loved and loathed most, his fierce independence and survivor’s instinct and capacity for violence. I say loathed because Lestat’s always torn between wanting Louis like that and wanting Louis to be his little housewife. He’s stupid like that.

I thought his stage direction was nice. Were his plays “good”? No. But were his notes well thought out? Yes. His notes for the trial were good. So it’s the playwright’s fault the scripts were bad, actually.

Re: his identity, I really think he’s doing fine. Not everyone needs a laundry list of hobbies and characteristics to “have an identity.” It’s true that Armand molds himself into whatever shape that’s required of him and sometimes he makes erroneous assumptions about it, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have an identity. I think Armand doesn’t perceive himself as having an identity, and it’s obvious that he structures his life around whatever role he’s occupying, and that it’s all very fragmented and difficult for him to see the continuity in it, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have an identity. His priorities and thought process are fairly obvious to the viewer, so that’s his identity. You can see the structure of his mind. That’s him. Right there. We don’t have to wait for the “real” Armand, he’s already here.

I don’t remember when I started loving him, but it was before the painting. Maybe the hunt, or when he starts participating in the interview. The painting did change something for me, though, and so did the bench scene. But I liked him from the start of season two, really, from the moment I found out he’d essentially been stalking Louis the whole time in Paris. I like him most when he’s got a little bit of edge, but then again, I love him when he lies. I actually have a shirt with their argument printed on it. It’s so fucking funny.

Well, I think there was love, at least before Armand strangled it to death. I don’t know if Louis ever loved Armand again, not after the trial, but I think Armand loved Louis, although not in a way that would really be comprehensible as love to anyone else. Maybe only the way you love something you own. But I think he at least enjoyed the performance of it. Besides, all the best relationships are 24/7 BDSM built on abuse and spite. You don’t agree? I think it’s very romantic.

Yeah, it’s the first time I’ve seen something like that too. And it was the greatest thing ever and I’m really glad we got a South Asian lead, even if I’m unsatisfied with AMC’s promotional strategy. One million seasons of Armand and one million posters of his face splashed across all major cities around the world, please. He’s perfect! More people should see him. More people should be subjected to him.

[oswlld]

oswlld's monthly wrap up: may

note: i am trying something a bit different this year, so bear with me as i figure out how i want to format this. i wanted to spend more time sharing what i consume, beyond what i rb, and put my thoughts in one place. these posts are okay to rb

--

Arsenic and Adobo, Mia P. Manansala [started 05/18, finished 06/03] I didn’t dip my toes into the light murder mystery genre until now and to be honest, I’m not sure if it’s working for me. But I have seen recommendations floating around this series with filipino characters and wanted to check it out. The main character, Lila, is eerily specific to my personal experiences and upbringing, but the writing feels severely lacking because I’m actively looking for more character development and depth. My best friend clarified that this genre doesn’t really flesh out the characters in the way I want it to. In the end, it just fell flat for me. I gave it 3.5⭐️ on storygraph (which might be generous) — Crying in H-Mart, Michelle Zauner [started 05/09, finished 06/09] Have you even got a book that you know that you’ll love, so you just end up avoiding it at all costs? This is a memoir that I needed to read this slowly because it just felt incredibly special. And so painful. If you’re a first gen aapi with a difficult relationship with your mother, this is going to be a LOT for you. Sobbing, snotty, the whole works. Take long breaks in between reads if you need it. I luckily saved the heaviest part of the book for when I was taking an impromptu trip to the lake, surrounded by so much sun, mist, and life. The world was comforting me and wiping away my tears. 5.0⭐️ on storygraph!!

23.5 Degrees, GMMTV [started: 03/08, dnf] I only had time to catch episode 9 in May. I thought I would be able to complete the series this month, but alas it might be a DNF. Please tell me that the adorable teachers got together! — Doctor Who, Disney+ [started: 05/10, in prog] It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that DW is on here. I am a DW blog first, multifandom blog second. I’m loving the spin RTD is taking with the show for this run, having the genre touch on the supernatural/mythical/fantasy. It still has the same DNA but it’s so fresh. I only caught the first two eps on premiere week and haven’t had the time to keep up with the show weekly, but I am catching up soon. — Murderville, Netflix [started 02/10, finished: 05/23] I forgot to include this in my february wrap up, but I watched eps 1-4 back then and finally got around to seeing the last two eps this month. This show is such a delight! I love the unique twist on the concept of procedural improv, where the guest star actually have to solve the case at the end of the ep. They’re not there to just play off the other actors, they invite themselves to interact with the plot without taking it too seriously. If this sounds right up your alley to turn your brain down to like… 25%, please check this out. — Attack on Titan [started: 05/26, in prog] I have quite a journey ahead of me, but I’m happy to report that I LOVED the first ep. What a strong start to my anime era! This is gonna be my summer obsession, I can just feel it. By the time this posts, I will have seen eps two and maybe three(??). Gimme them right now, in an IV please. — Devil’s Plan, Netflix [started: 04/23, ALMOST complete] Bestie and I are OBSESSED with this competition series and we just learned there will be a s2, YAYY! This isn’t a show where you can turn your brain off. Now that I think about it, I don’t think there’s been a challenge I fully understood until ep 10, but man is it fun watching the contestants figure it out. They’re all SO intelligent and SOOO charming. And the games are so creative and elevated, it makes the stakes so charged! We are a few min into ep 11, out of 12, and we are planning to finish it this week. I don’t want this show to endddd!

Whew! I thought I didn’t watch much this month, but I covered a lot of ground on the TV front huh.

Pedro, Netflix [watched on 05/05] First off, you’ll be delighted to know that the artist and subject matter of the film, Pedro Friedeberg, has two cats named Wikipedia and Netflix. What I find so refreshing about this documentary in particular is Pedro, the unwilling participant during the process. The filmmaker, Liora Spilk Bialostozky, takes great care in sharing her insecurities about it. Liora is not shy about her adoration for her favorite artist and Pedro is very firm with his boundaries when pressed about his personal life. It makes for a very delightful, yet tense friendship between the two. — Polite Society [watched on 05/31] This is still fresh in my mind but what a spectacular film! LOVE how it puts the sister bond in the forefront of this classic action film, as well as all the female friendships. It makes the tonal shift flow seamlessly because the heart of the film beats strong. The best scene was the KHAN vs KHAN fight sequence, Ria vs Lena. The bashing, the biting, and the blood! The choice to make the final blow be self-inflicted, especially when it targets my personal experience, really took this film to new heights. I want to just ‘This movie has EVERYTHING’ meme the hell out of this. It has weird girls, judgmental aunties, college dropouts who have an estranged relationship with making art, torture scenes through the use of leg waxing, reproductive autonomy, FEMALE RAGE! It deserves to be up there when people think of 10 Things I Hate About You and Clueless.

GÉNESIS, Peso Pluma [first time listening] Before Coachella, I knew very little about Peso Pluma but his live performance really shot him to the top of my list of artists to catch up on. When I was little, my dad always had corrido playing in his car radio and to this day, he still occasionally plays it in the garage. What I really admire about GÉNESIS is the modern twists the artist takes in the production and writing, perfectly paying homage to the traditional without it sounding dated. I think it’s largely due to his vocals. He doesn’t shy away from perfecting at the cost of being authentic and it shines in songs such as Rubicon and 77. The latter half of the album really packs a punch, it’s so hard to pick a favorite. Everything from Lady Gaga to the end is just banger after banger after banger. Having this album play in my car… I really do take after my father. — LAS LETRAS YA NO IMPORTAN, Residente [first time listening] I first heard of Residente from the song Immigrants (We Get the Job Done) from the Hamilton Mixtape. Even then, I made a mental note to get back to him, but lost track of time until I started listening to Peso Pluma. This compilation consists of 23 songs and it’s such a sublime experience from beginning to end! It’s cinematic, it’s heavy, it’s a party, AND it’s skipless. He has a level of talent that has me raging!!! HE’S SO GOOOOOOD TF?!?!? The first time I heard 313, I wrote a note on my phone with “hhhhhhhh???!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!how dare he” and I stand by that statement. It’s almost six minutes long and not one second was wasted. Where Peso Pluma brings the traditional corrido to the present, Residente brings rap/hip-hop into the future. Whenever I get a chance to jump back into the album in the car, the songs I tend to gravitate towards are Artificial Inteligente, Cerebro, Yo No Sé Pero Sé, Que Fluya, and Las Letras Ya No Importan. This guy doesn’t miss, I hate him (affectionate). — Everything I Know About Love, Laufey [first time listening] This album is magnificent, I am UNWELL. The way I feel about this album is the same way I felt about Five Seconds Flat last summer: a feeling so bone deep, my soul begs for release. Bewitched was such a strong outing for me, so hearing little echos of it in the album before made the listen experience all the more enchanting. I’m so in love with this album. I’m actually convinced that Above the Chinese Restaurant is the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard. Ever. If I talk about this album more, it’s going to dig up so much of my deepest, darkest memories. I can’t… but also please talk to me about this album. — HIT ME HARD AND SOFT, Billie Eilish [first time listening] On gawd, what a stellar month for music, I can’t believe it! What a KNOCKOUT!! Billie and Finneas, I feel, have finally come home. They finally own their craft, refined it, and carved it into this marble masterpiece. Billie is more daring with her vocal range and exploring new avenues in her execution. The entirety of L’amour De Ma Vie was just me going “ARE YOU KIDDING ME????” 30 times over in the car. No but for real, is she joking? This is so ungodly, what am I supposed to do with myself?? HELP???? It’s a no-skip album, there is no top 5, no favorites list. It just is and it’s unbelievable that I can’t experience it for the first time all over again.

[bishopknifetrickmp3]

any fic recs?

hi anon i am so so sorry for answering this so late, ive been putting it off and keep forgetting about it whoopsss but i hope it's not too late to rec some fic still...so let's gooooo

please noted that until this year, i hadn't read any peterick fic since 2017 so there's a lot im probably missing but im gonna try and recommend some newer fic (to me at least lol) here;

The High Way to Hell Series by @holytrohmanempire - ok this series is not new and everyone probably already read it BUT it's still ongoing and it's epically long and so so damn good, like fall out boy meet supernatural but better, the band dynamic is amazing, the characterization is on point, the episodic format is delightful, AND the peterick slowburn and the payoff in infinity on high installment is wonderful, i would need a whole new post to rave about this fic so i will stop now

Crooked Love - oh man i am OBSESSED with this fic ive been saying this for months, it's just a perfect disastrous romcom, it's funny, it's got my anxiety rising, it's hot, it's romantic, it's featuring finance bro patrick being a human dumpster fire, i love it to death. the author also write other amazing fics, id recommend silver screen dream, between the sheets, and i've forgiven jesus (the last two were co-written and ive forgiven jesus was pretty damn harrowing, but oh so fucking GOOD)

The Difference Between Real Love and the Love On TV - aka instant classic 21st century modern american literature, put this on your bookshelves now

thought i felt you before - now you're closer - the one where patrick is an actual medium and there's hiatus and trying to get your best friend back via asking him to talk to your dead grandfather, it's great and it's gonna rip your heart out a bit but in a very healing way i promise

And I Lived So Much Life - THE ultimate star-crossed lovers, scar-crossed lovers fic of all time, of course they'd be twin skeletons fated for thousand years 25 lives itd only be fair for me to chase you across hundreds thousands lifetime until i find the one in which you return to me OF COURSE

I Don't Want You To Go Yet - kinda summer fling au, the writing is seriously beautiful and the way the author built up their heartbreak is soooooo good

assortment of various incredible au: Here Come This Rising Tide (the robin hood au, SO SO GOOD), Hell or High Water (crazily good pirate au, the author, the_chaotic_panda wrote so many incredible stories please do scroll through their works and enjoy), Superposition (will give you an existential crisis, highly recommend)

i also have raved about older peterick fic under my fic rec tag and for some rec for livejournal era fic, do check out peterick rec list and dropbox made by the incredible @justtothesea i really think it's the most comprehensive list of (older) peterick fic we have, anyway enjoy reading!

[ceasarslegion]

honestly i think if this site finally dies to a ceo meltdown (which might be the only thing that can kill it lmao) i think... it would be for the best to just leave this place and the communities it fostered buried

I won't go to cohost, or bluesky, or anything. Y'all can catch me on my already made social (1) (discord. Im not giving anybody my facebook account with my full name on it after the death threats ive gotten over the years here) if you want, but this site has been going downhill ever since the advent of cringe culture and ace discourse circa 2015. It feels like recent months have been hurtling towards the logical conclusion of the turbo-echo chamber this site exists in. I seriously miss the era where it was just superwholock jokes and the only drama you'd hear about was the occasional bone-stealing witch level shit that everybody would go "lmao what" about and then go back to their regularly-scheduled movie discussions. Maybe i'll go back to pinterest at most and spend the rest of my time in fandom and furry forums and AO3. It would compel me to write and draw a lot more.

And honestly, I think tumblr finally getting the plug pulled on its long-dying life support may be legitimately helpful for a lot of the users who yanked this site's culture away from that and into the echo chamber. They might like, go outside for once. I know "touch grass" is a cliche or whatever but I do think a lot of this echo chamber can be chalked up to sitting on the computer all day and never getting exposed to anybody outside of your self-imposed internet echo chamber. Go outside, get some fresh air.

Also, it won't be the end of the world. If your free time and happiness is really that contingent on any one social media site then it may be for the best to take it away from you. Learn how to entertain yourself without it. There's a whole world out there to explore. Find something else to do. Pick up new hobbies, look into events in your area. Get really into some weird niche hobby and spend all that time doing that instead of just posting on a different website if this one's finally done. Remember that 4chan guy whose life turned around after he got really into raising shrimp instead of discoursing on 4chan all day? Maybe it's time to find your shrimp raising hobby instead of just posting the same things and perpetuating the same cycles on a different site.

I'm not saying to go full amish and abandon the internet altogether but i am saying that if this website has consumed so much of you that the prospect of it imploding is this upsetting to you, maybe you need to start raising shrimp for a while. I think it would be good for you.

Idk man, I'm chilling in my chair here but if it goes, she goes. I'll find something else to do, but this site hasn't been the tumblr I stuck around for for a long time now, so it won't be the end of the world for me if it ends. I'd just grab my favourite mutuals discords and head out to get more into the furry fandom and write more fic instead. I never wanted to be exposed to this much of the everything on this site anyway, I joined for the memes and the fandom content way back in 2010 and then just never really left.

[icyfox17]

3, 4, 9, 11, 15, 20, and 21 :D!!

3. three songs you were recently obsessed with -fucked up by racoma -car lights by james marriott -iris by goo goo dolls

OUGHOGUHGOGHOGHOGUHOGUHOGGHOUGHOGUH i have been looping these three SO MUCH LATELY along with allez les blues by los camps

fucked up jumpscares me bc theres swearing in the literal title and it sounds so intense and i mean the bridge aka my fav part of the song IS intense bUT ITS SOOOO GOOD AND SOSOSOO PRETTY AND I CANNOTTT GET OVERRR IT RAHHSHSHDFJSDK

car lights is a funny one bc the first like 3 years of me listening to james' music i never got into it for some reason?? i always loved grapes and gold n stuff but then tommy covered it during his karaoke stream and HOLYSHITT i was like wtf this is so good? and then i listened to the original and went HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO GOOD??? its now been like 2-3 months and i still. am looping this shit constantly like BRO BR O BRO BRO BRO BRO ITS SO GOODDFDOWEJFIAWFEJAWFELJAWEFIJWEFLWE I LOVE CAR LIGHTS SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHHHH

iris is one of my long time fav songssss, i grew up on 90s alt rock so anything from that era is just soo <333 fkjdsdjflsj EPXLODES !!! but like the last two years ive gone in and out with listening to it. i'll listen to 90s for like a month and then go back to modern music. but yeah january i started megaaaa listening to 90s alt rock again and i remembered how much i love iris so that shit has been on loop as well. it is genuinely one of my top five fav songs of all time. also extra fun fact for you !! my mom used to loop it while she was pregnant with me <3 so it is just kinda like. my song lmao ever since before i was born lmaooooo

okay gonna provide a cut bc this will be a long one ^-^

4 i already answered and i would answer w diff ones but this ones gonna be long so i'll skip it for now eheh

9. three songs that get you in the Christmas Mood -Auld Lang Syne by Andrew Bird -Carol of the Bells from the Home Alone soundtrackkk -Rocking Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

the first album is such a lovely one grgrgrkjrjgk i have nice memories of listening to it while sitting in front of the (real wood !!) fireplace and drinking tea and just enjoying my family's company during xmas time <333

i just fucking love carol of the bells so much i have like five billion diff versions of it saved ONE OF MY FAVS BEING A MANDALORIAN THEME SONG CROSSED WITH IT ITS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER CREATED IN EXISTENCE LIKEEEE MY TWO FAV SONGS EVER BEING COMBINED??? YES PLEASEKEKGHRGJKHRKJ

and the last one is just a classic:D also reminds me of home alone which is ofc my fav xmas movie ever (way better than elf FIGHT MEEE)

11. three favourite songs from movie or TV series soundtrack (i think this means like soundtrack so regular songs rather than ost but if u wanna know my three fav ostsss pls send and i will tell !!! i love film osts so much omg 😭😭😭) -Heroes by David Bowie [Perks of Being A Wallflower] -Lake Shore Drive by Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah [Guardians of the Galaxy] -Spirits by The Strumbellas [Middle School Worst Years of My Life]

goddd this movie changed my life honestly and the scene this song is from genuinely is just. it rewired my brain chemistry. i want to feel infinite man its soooooo i love this movie sosososooso much and this song is just so lovely and just RAHSHSFJDKSKJFKLAKJS i cannot english properly lmao i think im losing steam but just. yes. this song + movie are both. yes

I LOVE GOTG SOUNDTRACK SO MUCH IT IS PEAK EVERY SONG IS FUCKING AMAZINGGGGG but this is one of the songs that i found from this movie and idk !! i think it's underrated it's so vibey it makes me feel so happy:))))

this is another movie that literally changed my life. like. it's such a silly movie? but it genuinely makes me cry everytime and and this songggg this is the beginning of me looking into my own taste of music that's not just generic top 60 from the radio or my family's taste. i found this song from this movie and found the rest of the band's music and and and it was one of the first steps of me finding out who i am. it's a really big part of my personality (both the movie and the song) and i just :(( this band makes me sooo emotional. they helped me out during my first bout of mental health issues and i just got to see them in concert a couple months ago and sobsobsobsosbsobosbsobsososbsobsobsossbososssssssss SORRY i'll start rambling now i just GODDD the strumbellas mean so much to me :(

15. three songs you want to dance with your love to -Come on Eileen by Dexy Midnight Runners -Coming Home by Leon Bridges -Starting Over by Chris Stapleton

the first two are just CLASSICSSSS you have to dance to themmm and i have in the past and its literally the greatest feeling in the world. literally nothing compares. the last one is more targeted towards my partner:))) she's from tennesse LMAOO and loves country music buuuuttt besides that i also just like. my dad and his wife listen to country music a lot and it's soooo?? it's so lovely idk this style of country music is just pure vibes. but yeah the lyrics r also super lovely and just remind me of my partner so badly grjgkjrgkjrg i need to listen to alllll the country and soul (heh pun unintended) music with them. this song in particular is so comforting i just feel like it'd be nice to dance in the kitchen to <3

20. three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one -Morning Rain by Adam Torres -Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson -Home Is by Kanaya

you just give me very soft pretty rainy day vibes <333 ur a very kind person and you hold so much positivity. these songs are all so very comforting and i just !! think they suit u very well ^-^

21. three songs of your childhood -Upside Down by Jack Johnson -Could You Be Loved by Bob Marley -Clocks by Coldplay

goddddd this songgg this song is nostalgia in a nutshell. used to love the movie but also my mom and i used to dogsit for this one person and they had 3 cds. jack johnson, barenaked ladies, and adele. i used to play those and just run around the house acting out the songs. so all of those are very nostalgic but upside down takes the cake bc it just. sounds nostalgic. idk its such happy vibes and its so innocent and wholesome and i justtttt sobsss its so lovely

my half-siblings' dad had a record player before it was cool and the two records he used to play all the time were bob marley and michael jackson. bob marley reminds me more of my childhood though. its just !! its bob marley man. certified classic and good vibes. i love this song so much <3 i love all of his music a lot but this one just ??? makes me feel super intense emotions

this one is NOSTALGIA KING i dont know if there's any other song that sounds like nostalgia like this one does. it was always on the radio in the car and its also in several movies and just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa its so gorgeous i love this song so much <3333

[scourgefrontiers]

hiiii just a widdle vent <3 i'll be normal in like an hour or so

so ive been in kind of a super depressive era for like. over a month now? eden has too and hers is kinda worse than mine. but still

i got the idea to maybe like...idk. apply to idw to work on the sonic comics. i know it may sound silly bc ive not got Any experience doing professional comic work, ive only done personal comics since like 2015 and none of them were sonic--in fact i only recently started drawing sonic seriously, and it may end up being a spur-of-the-moment hyperfixation. but right now i feel really passionate and am in the process of making a fancomic that May be over 100 pages if it works out the way i think it will..so idk. you miss every shot you dont take i guess??

but anyway. i just feel really silly about it. for a long time i was like "nah i would never do comics professionally" and suddenly i want to do just that??? like girl what. idk. ive been feeling really sad about it specifically lately too, like man what if i really am not good enough. what if i get rejected and thats it for my comic career. what if i do get the job and i hate it or i stop enjoying sonic to the point of where i want to work on the idw comics. theres so much doubt in my mind and idk if its legit or if its just nervousness at the thought of a new life adventure..

wagh. i simply do not know

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

mac i am so sorry to enter ur inbox with more qsmp but oh my god. qcellbit update. so he talked to bagi. his sister. he still doesn't remember her. he still needs time to process everything but she said she's waited fifteen years so she can wait a few more days. i'm crying and sobbing rn. also he doesn't even fucking remember what he did to get thrown in prison, all he knows is that he was killing people to survive one day and another he was behind bars. i'm UNWELL!!! he got called in to talk to cucurucho (the fuckin THING that's kind of the federation mascot and it tortured cellbit with a chainsaw months ago FUCK CUCURUCHO ALL MY HOMIES HATE CUCURUCHO) and he was just. fucking tired. yesterday he messed with the feds quite publicly and cucurucho questioned him about it and he said "i don't care what you do to me, you can torture me, i don't care. i just want my family back, i want a future with them. just give me peace. let me rest." HE SOUNDED SO FUCKING TIRED. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE WAS SAYING UNTIL SOMEONE POSTED A TRANSLATION BUT HE SOUNDED SO SO SAD. AND NOW CELLBIT HIMSELF IS GOING TO TWITCHCON SO QCELLBIT IS TAKING A WEEK LONG DEPRESSION NAP. MAC CAN U HEAR ME. I'M UNWELL. I'M LOSING IT. THIS IS ME RN

anyway. hows ur day. i might go watch some steven universe bc i have been meaning 2 rewatch it (or adventure time!!!! one of the two for sure) take a short break from binge watching hannibal 2 watch a silly funny cartoon :3 also still trying to make my way thru marble hornets again it's just such an insane series 2 rewatch u know but i'm getting there!!! sorry i am just currently lying on the floor in my brain thinking about qsmp i had 2 tell u what happened 2 ur blorbo in law today

NEVER APOLOGIZE TO ME ABOUT PUTTING STUFF IN MY INBOX I LOVE GETTING MAIL I LOVE LEARNING THROUGH OSMOSIS I LOVE LISTENING 2 PPL TALK ATBT THINGS THEY LOVE

that sounss aboslutely DEVASTATING btw. oh my god. so the whole thing is like.. she remembers him but he doesnt remember her ?? GODDDD thats so upsetting. im glad hes getting 2 take a nap even if it is a depression one sigh. oh man oh man i love this.

my day was! good i think! i have not had a day to reat since my whole job shadow debacle last week so im kimd of running on fumes BUT . i have off work tmw so im gonna get a haircut and feel all good about everything. and maybe work on some art bc im now caught up to my pre prepped invertober images and i have a couple other time sensitive things like that. ougah. we keep truckin. ive got a huge backlog of youtube videos to watch from last week + beginning of this week i cannot Wait to get thru those and also watch more adventure time !! bc i have offically gotten to Stakes (a marcelone centric mini series) and it is one of my favorite eras ever. i love you vampire lore!!!

[orphancookie69]

My Infertility Journey: Part 4

Yeah, future me needs to go in the past and tell past me to not be crazy. Well, they have not arrived yet-part four starts. The sooner I get in the drivers seat the sooner I park my car in the winners circle I hope....Just hopping on late? Here is Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. 

August 2022: 

A week after the ERA comes a cycle. This is highly unusual as it does not normally come that soon. Second half of the month is the start of round 4. Initial ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled to see if the body is on the starting line. Now let’s talk about the definition of insanity, it is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Based on the ERA, I am perfectly fine and we have been doing this with proper timing-so initially they said we are going to move forward with no changes. At consultation, they mentioned adding Intralipids-IV injected twice during the process. I am open to this idea, more than the anti-coagulants, because I think my body can only handle so many injections. I only have two more embryos at this point, and while I want to make sure they have the best odds of sucess-there are physical limitations of being...ya know...human? 

The results from the blood work came back, my hormones were too high. So they are having me wait and we will reassess on next cycle. I am happy that this news came from the doctor, I felt like it was better to wait and give the body a break. But for some reason, it felt like it would not have as much credence as it does coming from the doctor backed by “data”. I am looking forward to my break and plan on getting a family trip to Havasu in before my next cycle. PARTAY! No but otherwise this is a great time to hunker down and see if I can’t get some good training in for game day. Using muscle stims, heat, massage, and exercise to promote healing of the area. Maintaining diet and exercise to see if I can’t lose anymore weight before then. 

September 2022: 

Have I ever mentioned how much of this process is PLAYING THE WAITING GAME? But waiting has its own perks. So far just waiting for a cycle to come, estimated to come around the middle of the month according to P Tracker, and see if hormone levels are good enough to move forward. Also, I am (heavily) playing with the idea of implanting two instead of just one. My own doctor says the odds are better with just one, but I have heard a lot of other doctors/patients have success with 2. Part of me really likes the idea of implanting both and having this be the last round, for better or for worse. We will see what the doctor says. 

So my body decided to get stuck in “period limbo” this cycle. I get all the feels but none of the results. Doctor did a “wellness check” on me and decided to reset my cycle with a week’s worth of Birth Control. Then we are going to move on the next cycle. I picked up my prescription and then took them, one a day, for a week. My doctor puts me on Enskyce, and man I usually get all of the side effects: migraines, nausea, and lack of energy. 

October 2022: 

Body goes into cycle and then on Cycle Day 5, we went in for an appointment. Ultrasound and bloodwork looked good, we updated my thyroid panel as well. Now starts injections and the new element this time-intralipids. They are to be done at a third party facility, Oso Home Care in Irvine, in week 4 (before transfer) and after transfer. I am (attempting) to schedule an appointment with Oso Home Care after my next Ultrasound/Bloodwork appointment with Fertility Care in Brea. Ya know the one appointment(s) before implant. It is kind of crazy how much happens in a month. 

Drugs: EV (Estradiol Valerate), Dex (Dexamethasone), P4 (Progesterone), hCG, Valium, Doxy (Doxycycline Hyclate), Medrol (methylprednisolone),

Vitamins: Baby Aspirin, Prenatal vitamins (NAC, Prenatal, Omega 3, L Arginine, Coq10, Myo Inositol, D3)

Suggestions: Keto diet/Fasting, Exercise, Proper Injection Guidelines.

Price: $5,000+ (Fertility Care), $100+ (MDR Pharmacy), $550 (Oso Home Care), 

Here are some Injection Guidelines:

Before: Ice the area

During: Inject the right area, Massage it after

After: Walk it off a bit, Use a heating pad

In Between: Arnica, Massaging to promote healing

Check: Infection (red, raised/bumpy, burning, itchy)

Note: Injections are intramuscular, and depending on the injection, there are only so many spots you can inject. Just because there are other muscles, does not mean you can use them even if your areas are “out of commission”. You just gotta keep them in commission!

The phone tag that was had was fun by all? Honestly as much as this is not my first rodeo and this should not worry me, the intralipids worry me a bit. Really the scheduling process being the slowest thing ever doesn’t help anything either. Be careful when doing research too, it is not always as helpful as you would think to know what you are signing up for. Also, the slow time between the first and second appointment where there is only an injection every 3 days is lovely. So I barely got my appointment for the intralipid place, if I did not call, that might not have happened. Then went in for the next ultrasound, the last one before implant. Ultrasound was good and blood work was TBD. 

This starts the next phase of the process. From here we add 4 hCG shots, add 2 times a day of p4, and continue with EV every 3 days. Also, for the hCG...the first injection has to be in the back area, but the smaller ones can go in the stomach to give the back a bit of a break. Round one of the Intralipids happens. The dexamethasone comes off the schedule just before implant-a couple of meds get added for a couple days around implant. Implant happens, this time it will be a boy (currently between the names Roland and Kai). After implant it is suggested for up to 3 days of rest. Then we move into November (after playing the waiting game) to confirm the pregnancy. 

Oso Home Care...Intralipids: Its a cute little place in Irvine. Kind of disorganized and busy but it would seem a lot people go to a facility like this. I got there early. I spent 2.5 hours in the chair. Yeah, kind of a long time. The gals that work there are sweet, but I don’t like how they had to prick both my arms to get it to work. I felt strange after? I am not sure how I was supposed to feel. Based on when I left and where home is, it took an hour to get home. But I hope in the future that since I am already in the system that booking is easier, and I kind of have a better idea of what to expect. Dress comfortable, don’t bring a book. 

Ovation Fertility...Implant: I always forget COVID never stopped being a reality for hospital establishments. I always forget to bring a mask to these things. Arrive 15 minutes early in Newport Beach, take a Valium an hour before. Implant goes well-go home and rest. Also, if they let your partner in-film the implant. 

Implant day is a day of rest, and this time I am trying to take two more days of rest after. I am an awful patient and this is hard for me to do. Post transfer we ran low on p4 so we transitioned to 1/2 crinone and 1/2 p4 for the every 12 hour injections. There are enough drugs on hand to get through to the pregnancy test and once confirmed, we stick with this or go all crinone. I don’t remember my last boys’ implant well but this time around, my left uterus feels like a battle zone a bit. 

Trimester Breakdown:

Part 1: 10/7-1/8

Part 2: 1/9-4/12

Part 3: 4/13-7/15

November 2022: 

An appointment was set up to have a blood draw/pregnancy test on 11/7. What was the time like before? I felt most, if not all, the symptoms. Pray tell, what are the symptoms of the first trimester?

First Trimester Signs: Nausea, Metallic Taste, Foggy Brain, Cramps, Tiredness, Breast Tenderness,

For me, and according to old wives tales, boys are supposed to be worse. This round definitely felt different as I felt very sore for up to a week after implant. Google says this is ok but man, it was kind of odd. The first blood test of Week 4/5 happened and TBD. If this goes well, I go two more times-two days apart. In theory the HCG a pregnant body produces should double every day. The first time you are able to view anything on an ultrasound is week 6. The next, and final, intralipid appointment would also happen that week. 

The first blood test was good and positive, the next blood test the values should of doubled...and they did not. They increased but did not double. The office wants me to see the third test before jumping to any conclusions. The second blood draw was a 15% rise. The third blood draw was a 66% rise, so they kept us on the schedule and we scheduled the first ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days. They also had me schedule my second, and last, intralipid appointment for that same day. Prior to going to going into the first ultrasound, there were 50/50 odds that this is a viable pregnancy. 

We went in for an ultrasound and there was a gestational sac, but nothing that could be seen in the sac. They did a blood draw, to confirm the hCG is rising as a pregnant body should be. I had an intralipid appointment but they wanted me to move it, and wait for the results. The beta was rising, so we stay in the game another week. Order more drugs from MDR Pharmacy and scheduled another ultrasound for the end of the week. The intralipid appointment was moved to the same day as the next ultrasound. 

Oso Home Care...Intralipids: This trip was shorter, already in the system and they have an idea of how quickly you take the liquids and what not. I believe this time was about 3 hours? 

Also, I am keeping track of my weight, as women who are overweight before need to be careful how much weight they put on. When I checked on it, I actually had lost weight. Between my keto diet, morning sickness, and other pregnancy symptoms. In the first trimester one can lose a bit, but should this trend keep up in the second trimester...we got problems. Went in for the next appointment and while it was still not where it was supposed to be, there was improvement in both Beta (blood draw) and ultrasound findings. By this time I am almost 8 weeks along and there should be some major organs created, like the heart. 

December 2022: 

The next ultrasound would be interesting as it was kind of the determined trip to “call it”. Why would I want to call it? Because since implant, it has been very “we don’t have good news but we have not bad news so keep injecting”. And the body can only take so much for something that they said was most likely to end in bad news? But the doctor makes a good point that while certain things should be in place by this appointment, babies can be “past their due date” so if they are slow to grow, as long as they grow, it is fine? As the train carrying the passenger, the “limbo” is annoying as hell. 

The Week 8 Ultrasound: Yeah, so that went about as good as that was going to. The doctor finally called it. It is sad, bumming, annoying, frustrating, relieving yet unwantedly so. They are three options to resolve this round: to let it happen naturally, use drugs to help “speed things along”, or get a D&C. For now, we are going to cancel medications and assess in another couple of days. Did a blood draw to see where the beta is, and establish a comparison point for declines in the future. 

For the next blood draw, I could of gone to my Fertility Care office-but with us at the sad end of the process-and them not being part of our insurance-we decided to finish the process in slightly more complicated insured way. They ordered the blood draw at Quest Diagnostics. I made an appointment and the results were sent to Fertility Care. I have seen some insurance that covers infertility, but for the most part that is a sad joke. Some jobs cover that too. If you need that as an option, it’s worth looking into. 

Pay attention to your body. I had sharp pains on my lower left abdomen area the day before the blood draw. Like, bad enough to make me basically pointless the rest of the night. The next day they continued, and I called it in. I am now on the alert for heavy bleeding and those pains, as the combination means bad news. But should be signs the body is starting the miscarriage process. To speed things up, they put me on Letrozole and Acetaminophen-COD. This will be my first time having a drug induced natural miscarriage.  

Four pills at night for 7 nights, bleeding can last up to a week. Blood was being drawn at Quest Diagnostics and the beta hcg was going down. I used pads for a week to “measure” how much I was bleeding, more than two pads in two hours was bad news. Blood draw to see where we were at, luckily enough for all involved-there was no hemorrhaging. The second week of miscarriage recovery-less blood, less medications, but no less feels? Research shows it could take up to 6 weeks for my body to get back to “normal”. There are some herbs and vitamins I can take to help, but mostly it was rest and food and relaxation. 

So, what happened? While there are no answers, there is a scientific name for this. Funny how that works out huh? Here is what I think happened: 

“ A blighted ovum, also called an anembryonic pregnancy, occurs when an early embryo never develops or stops developing, is resorbed and leaves an empty gestational sac. The reason this occurs is often unknown, but it may be due to chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg.” (Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/expert-answers/blighted-ovum/faq-20057783)

Because this is an IVF process, and everything is tested and in some ways controlled, I doubt it is because of any chromosomal abnormalities. But it is crazy how many variations of miscarriages are out there. And really, even in the same person’s journey-no two are the same. Oh to know so much yet so little. 

Honestly, this is a very tough process. I am not sure what to think. Doctor thinks we should implant (IN ME) the last embryo, possibly changing nothing, and see if it works when I am mentally and emotionally ready. For now, the only thing for sure is its BREAK TIME. Is it too soon for a surrogate? I don’t understand how I can be such a medical mystery. It is a very strange feeling. 

[torchiiko]

also man. maybe its just cuz its 1 am but iiiim feeling. insecure? abt my whole little streamer era. i keep worrying i dont have what it takes & maybe thats bc all i see is ppl who already have success but still. im worried

it really is smth ive wanted to do nearly my whole life & if i finally get to the point i can try only to realize im just not creative enough... idk what ill do. what do i do if i have the ambition but lack the ideas? what do i do if i feel like i have a good idea but i dont wanna "waste" it doing it too soon when i have no audience or skills?

sometimes i watch a video & the person in it is like "wow thank you guys for 10k subs i cant believe ive only been doing this for 2 months" & i get a little jealous. which is dumb considering ive been doing it for 0 months but im just. im not unique yet. im not polished yet. & technically thats fine since im just starting out but it always feels too late

i shouldve been doing this years ago & now ive missed my window of opportunity. ppl my age are already doing well for themselves & have been for years. i worry that i have nothing going for me. maybe it all comes down to me not rlly knowing who i am & therefore not having a personality to market

starting out sucks!!! i just wanna be good at things already!!!!!! i wanna know who i am & what im about & how to do cool stuff!!!! i dont wanna struggle as a nobody for years, putting my all into things only for hardly anyone to ever see it. its not like i expect to blow up overnight, i just hope i can get some kind of growth from my efforts down the line

i dont actually need to be unfathomably rich (even tho itd be real nice), i just wanna be able to pay the bills & cover groceries. my dream goal is actually to finally contribute smth to my family & this is the only way i can think of. if i could even just cover the internet bill, id be pretty happy. i just wanna stop feeling so behind of everyone else

[causenessus]

hi my loveliness! how’s your morning afternoon or evening !! i miss you so so so much SO MUCH i’m so sorry like hhhh IM SO SORRY BUT I HOPE YOUVE EATEN AND TAKEN CARE OF YOURSELF!! i wanted to send this earlier but after work i was so so so tired and i’m still so very tired but i will try for you !!! the roles are so reverse right now like im fighting sleep and you know what’s so funny? for like an hour i was in and out of sleep and i was imagining myself writing a response and i got so disappointed when i actually woke up and i didn’t </3 BUT ITS A SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE THAT I MUST WRITE THIS !! then i will pass out

todays shift was honestly like… a fever dream because i can not tell you what happened today like i was on autopilot the whole day and i have another shift tomorrow BUT BUT ITS A FOUR HOUR SHIFT !! just a 2:45-7:30 shift YIPPE!! but my coworkers wanna go out after work tomorrow like i hope im not too tired to go but i will 100% update you on that tomorrow, i talked to my manager(girl manager!)about potentially quitting and she was so happy for me I WAS SO SAD BECAUSE SHE WAS LIKE “you’ve been here for so long like we saw you grow up !” AND ITS KIND OF TRUE LIKE IVE BEEN HERE SINCE I WAS 15 SO ITS KIND OF CRAZY and i was like awww now ur making me not want to quit!! but now im gonna quit and fly to the states and work a cute little frame retail job with ness <333333333333333333333333333 AND YES MY STORE MANAGER QUIT OUT OF NOWHERE?? like there’s a group chat for work right and she just sent a huge goodbye message and i was like WHAT and everyone(except for the managers) knew about it like it was such a shocker, unfortunately its NOT the male manager but im manifesting him reading these cutesy little haikyuu x femreader blogs since today he was soooooo DEMANDING !! LIKE !! every second i heard “mango anon do this mango anon do that” LIKE I DONT MIND LIKE it’s my job but it was because like i had a main task to do right but i couldn’t even finish it because he kept sending me on side missions and had the nerve to be like “wait u didn’t do ur main task?” HOW COULD I !! ur sending me on 20 side missions like at this point u should send me to the vents to dust it out!! but i think i am quitting this coming september because i need to start focusing on school more i think but i’ve never quit a job before so im a little NERVOUS BUT BUT OFC ILL UPDATE U !! also i can’t believe your job is making you stay another month LET ME SAVE YOU !! i’ll literally fly to the us and take your shifts for you and you can just sit relax and look pretty while i run around being a hostess(i’ve NEVER been a hostess nor do i know how it works but anything for ness anything anything for you)

update i just fell asleep i think for like 10 minutes but im back so IM CONTINUING (i’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense omg i’m just writing what comes to mind right now)

ness u are the sweetest person ever like whichever higher being decided to give me the blessing of living in the same era as you …. i dedicate my life to them..LIKE THE FACT THAT I GOT BACK INTO HAIKYUU AND FOUND UR BLOG AND I GOT TO ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH YOU LIKE I’M SO LUCKY you’re the best ever ever :(( i don’t want to stress you out with requests but ill keep that in mind because work has been so so so unnecessarily evil lately but having you to talk to has made it a lot easier for sure! and YES THE MEN ARE SO ??? sometimes i genuinely wonder what’s going in their head…. and like in a most polite way ever i feel bad for their wives because like do they not know how to hang up clothes?? is this how they treat their wives?? I HOPE DAMN NOT !! it’s so mind blowing though because in what MENTAL EVALUATION DOES ONE DECIDE “oh i found this RANDOM GIRLS INSTAGRAM and even through in a full grown man, i’m gonna go up to her and shoot my shot!!” LIKE NO??? it was such a bad day like im baffled that one would even think about that?? like im truly baffled, STUNNED EVEN! i appreciate you so much for understanding because i don’t wanna come off as like “she’s complaining about having to do her job!” BECAUSE IM COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW IM BEING TREATED AT MY JOB !! to think these are members of society is kind of scary because like i feel bad when i don’t open the door for someone whose 20 feet behind me like wdym you can give me a pile of your warm WORN inside out clothes?? and to any customer or weirdo who even THINKS of disrespecting you or being weird to you: i will definitely NOT bite your cheek lovingly… i will bite it aggressively and unlovingly and i will very cutely send pieces of your hair to an etsy witch to very cutely hex you <33333333 cutely and politely of course <333333333333333

I GET NOT WANTING TO EAT CHUNKS OF RAW FISH like even the word CHUNKS is terrible but it’s literally what it is !! chunks of raw fish!! NOW IM SQUIRMING AHH CHUNKS AHHH but like i tried covering it up with the other stuff too and it definitely wasn’t that bad but i get not being a raw fish person because that was me too !! also im still on the hunt for cinnamon almond butter! i’ve found some online but they’re like websites i’ve never heard from and personally i do not wanna risk buying from random websites LOL BUT !!! when i fly to the states and meet my favourite person ever (you!!) the first thing i want to do is literally the cinnamon almond butter LIKE IT SOUNDS SO GOOD!! the name and everything(one day for sure) like i don’t care about the american fast food places !! i want CINNAMON ALMOND BUTTER ON A BAGEL !!

also once again you are literally the cutest ever like I WANNA BITE UR CHEEK SO HARD LOVINGLY !! like i know i shouldn’t be but im so scared to actually dm you because idk my blog is ugly(LMAOOO) and im like nervous like so unserious in that matter LIKE SOMETIMES IM LIKE what do i even say ness is too cool for me her inbox is probably filled with other awesome smau writers then THERES ME(like it’s so unserious my reasonings) BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I HATE DAYS WHERE I HAVE TO SEND THESE LATE BECAUSE I GENUINELY MISS TALKING TO YOU LIKE WHENEVER I GET A NOTIF THAT YOU POSTED I GET SO HAPPY !!! (no pressure to always post though !! i’m just saying it’s nice to see you’re still alive and well)

AND YES IM A SCORPIO !! i used to try to be into horoscopes but i never did get into it like I TRIED BUT THERE WERE TOO MANY FACTORS AND LIKE wdym since im a scorpio my favourite colour is red🤨🤨 like that type of thing so i was like okay im just gonna take my star sign or something and roll with it BUT UR A CANCER??? LIKE THAT MEANS YOUR BIRTHDAY JUST PASSED RIGHT? oh my god i didn’t send you a cake and a big ol gift i can’t believe it ALSO WHEN YOU SAID FRESHLY 18 I DIDNT EXPECT FRESHLY FRESHLYYYY 18?? thats so crazy oh my gosh i thought you’ve been 18 for a while(idk why i just kinda assumed) literally i will fly to the states right now and throw you a huge celebration <333333333333333333

IF U HAVE PHASMOPHOBIA WE CAN PLAY AND ILL PROTECT YOU I PROMISE <3333333 and everytime i see “you’re my mango anon” I LITERALLY KICK MY FEET AND GIGGLE LIKE it’s so cute because you literally gave me that name too and it’s so endearing to me like i remember you asking “can i call you this” and i was literally so so so so honoured like i was so :((((( (/POS) IDK IT FELT SO CUTE?? also oh my god i just had a BIG flashback and i’m like IM PRETTY SURE IT WAS YOU BECAUSE ILL BE SO SO SO EMBARRASSED IF IT WASNT YOU BUT!!! i remember you posted something before where you were talking about how you disagree about suna and atsumu being portrayed as like playboys since they’re like losers and they’d be smitten with a girl and I REMEMBER!!! I REMEMBER I SENT IN AN ASK (like i completely forgot this happened so i thought our first interaction was the one about the original love notes plot) BUT I WAS LIKE no yeah i totally agree because they’re losers! in a loving way ofc and i see them being absolutely whipped and smitten and YEAH I REMEMBER THAT LIKE IT JUST CAME TO ME RANDOMLY! i remember just scrolling through tumblr and i saw that and i immediately followed you right after seeing that because i 100% agreed with you and i just remember you being such a sweet sweet person and i think that was the first ever time i’ve sent in an anon ask?? i felt as passionate about it as you did and yeah WOW THAT WAS SO LONG AGO TOO (ness if im wrong and it wasn’t you i’m literally gonna start crying but im 90% sure it was you because i haven’t interacted with any other accounts as much)

LITERALLY ATSUMU COME THROUGH WITH THE 4 BOXES OF MAC AND CHEESE !! we literally need to have a 3am sit down at a dinner table eating mac and cheese and talking about tech because i swear i can make a whole book about my experience as a tech kid it was THAT traumatizing and OH MY GOSH IM FREE TUESDAY AND THURSDAY AND FRIDAY!! LET ME FLY IN REAL QUICK <3333333333

RANDOM INTERMISSION!! water break time, cheers with me CHEERS!! (totally off topic but i love ice water so much)

BACK ON TOPIC to the weird chefs at ness’ work… watch your back because i will not be a sweet loving anon to you … i will very VERY politely make sure u will not have hair in 1 year time …. i will literally become your work guard dog and i will be shameless about it!! AND my male manager is kind of like the “scary” manager so i guessssss he isn’t so badwko

(okay update i fell asleep while writing this and its the morning now so im gonna continue)

ALSO IF UR EVER TIRED PLS PLS PLS DONT WORRY ABOUT WRITING BACK !! i can always wait !! i just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself and eating because i love and care about you very very much!

THE CONDOMS AND BLACK MOLD THINGS ARE SO FUNNY LIKE im sorry to break it to you but i fear you are correct… it is just a you school thing BUT actors quitting mid production is like sooooo messy because it means more rehearsals for us since we have to get people to fill in the roles and practice their characters! i always feel so bad for our stage manager because like our director kind of always put a lot of pressure on them? AND I FELT SO BAD BCUZ SHE WAS ALWAYS STRESSED like being a store manager is not for the weak at all!

I LOVE ADOPTING PEOPLE IN THE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!! i was in physics ap in high school right and during my last year i was the only one left in ap so my teacher had me like kind of become a tutor for the ap kids in the year below me(there was 3 of them) and they were so sweet like i miss them so much </3333 i hope they’re well </33333 BUT I LITERALLY ADOPTED THEM LIKE they were my kids !!! i felt like a proud mother when they were doing well and AHHH but me and you literally i don’t like showing people things multiple times AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DONT GET IT like i know it isn’t their fault because to be honest i think im pretty bad at explaining things but that’s why i VISUALLY show it but when they still don’t get it im like HHHH AHHHHH i do know what to mean by parking the lights!! i had to know a bit of how to do lights since idk lights and sound are linked in that way (like me and you)(soulmates WE ARE SOULMATES) AND I WOULD BE FRUSTRATED TOO IF SOMEONE DIDNT GET IT because i feel like idk it’s kind of …. LIKE IF YOU SEE SOMEONE DOING IT I FEEL LIKE YOUD GET IT?? or i don’t know maybe regina george kin guy is kind of weird like that BUT THE KID YOU ADOPTED SEEMS SO SWEET AND FUNNY LOL i hope you manage to convert her (AND SAVE HER) everytime we talk about tech i miss it so much like if my director asked me to come in to help I FEAR I WOULD SAY YES!! LIKE RIGHT AWAY!! i miss the environment because it was so unserious and like the toxicity between the casts was like watching a tv show right because i was never involved but i heard and watched it all go down so ITS KIND OF FUNNY (you should tell your teacher you know a sounds person)(i will fly in AND i will accompany you)

ALSO TONICS INTRO AHHH IM OBSESSED IM SO EXCITED !! i read it just when i woke up and i was like ness ur so cool ur so so cool ness is so cool AND i will find you your irl sunarin TO TREAT U RIGHT !! or i will simply transform myself and everything to become mister suna rintarou HIMSELF (JUST FOR YOU!!) i will ward off all the weird men for you <333333 just say the word and ill contact the etsy witches i promise you <333333333333333333

HELP THE SLEEPY AND GOD CONVERSATION??? no because literally why are all discord servers the same like everyone playing into the gods role and then there’s that ONE person whose not playing into it(SLEEPY YOU FUNNY FUNNY MAN OR WOMEN)I CAN ALSO PROBABLY FIND A BUNCH OF OLD SCREENSHOTS FROM DISCORD BECAUSE LIKE… a lot of what people said had me genuinely GASPING LIKE SURPRISED BECAUSE IM LIKE oh! oh okay! (the discord quarantine experience is so real and universal i love it)

ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BESTEST DAY EVER EVER!! IM SO SO SORRY THAT THIS IS LATE BUT I HOPE YOU ATE AND TOOK CARE OF YOURSELF !! my life is forever yours like i will hand you my heart on a silver platter I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH i miss you too like when i woke up literally i was like oh my god did i send ness my ask did i even FINISH IT?? (and i slept midway writing it im so so sorry work drained me) also im literally working 6 days in a row right now like… give me that overtime pay to pay for my ticket to see the actual love of my life AND IF YOU WERE MY HOUSEWIFE ID BE THE BEST BREADWINNER EVER AND BUY YOU WHATEVER YOU PLEASE i will make sure you never have to worry about anything i will literally protect and love u with my life and soul and give you all the cinnamon almond butter the world has to offer!! BUT HAVE A GOOD MORNING EVENING OR AFTERNOON NESS!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND EAT GOOD!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

MANGO ANON </33333333333333333333333333333333 AAA HELLO HELLO!! DO NOT BE SORRY AT ALL!! I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU AND ONCE AGAIN YOUR SHIFT YESTERDAY SOUNDED SO LATE :(( I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO HAVE THE ENERGY TO SEND SOMETHING IN AT ALL!! I WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST ALWAYS <3 so i'm glad ur body was like?? trying to get u to sleep?? or at least made you sleep a little bit before replying 😭😭 BUT I'M GLAD WE WERE IN THE SAME SPOT LMAO last night i think i was trying to write something and once again my eyes would just randomly close and i'd fall asleep for five minutes without realizing it 😭😭 it's simultaneously like the most exhilarating and tiring thing ever?? like i love fighting off sleep and it's always fun waking up like "WHEN DID I FALL ASLEEP? WHERE AM I? WHAT'S HAPPENING" but also like i wanted to stay awake last night!!! but i was super tired </3

I'M SORRY YOU WORK AGAIN TODAY!!! :(( BUT I'M WITH YOU!! i also work a 4 hour shift tonight from 3-7:15 or something like that!! SO WE CAN BE LIKE,, WORKING IN PARALLELS!!! (i have no idea how to word that but hopefully u get what i mean!! i think my brain has given up today so i don't think i'm english-ing very well today in general LMAO) MY SHIFT LAST NIGHT WAS SUCH A FEVER DREAM TOO i'd be grabbing people menus at the speed of light and i was like "i can't believe i know how to do this all" but i couldn't think about it too hard bc it's like when you're breathing and then you suddenly realize you're breathing and then you're like "i do this on autopilot??" and then you can't stop voluntarily breathing yk?? 😭 (SORRY SIDE TANGENT) BUT YOUR GIRL MANAGER SOUNDS SO SWEET!!! :(( AND I'M GLAD SHE'S SUPPORTING YOU QUITTING!! AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ONCE AGAIN JUST SHOWING HOW SIMILAR WE ARE MANGO ANON!! bc this restaurant job i've also been working since i was 15 i think!! and ofc i had that little break where i quit before i've had to come back for a few months 😭 (and it is SO admirable that you have worked there for so long i could never!!! you definitely deserve to quit this place with all you've gone through though </33) but it's weird bc like one of my mother's coworkers there is also someone she's been working with since we moved to the state we live in now (when i was just a wee little baby. i think we moved here in like 2013?? idk what grade or age that puts me at and i can't math BUT IK I WAS YOUNG). like they worked at this one sushi place forever and then my mom quit and moved to the restaurant she works at now and this coworker and ended up moving to this restaurant too if that makes sense 😭😭 so that coworker has literally seen me grow up!! and that's crazy 😭 SORRY FOR THE SIDE TANGENET AND I HOPE IT WASN'T CONFUSING

THE GIANT GOODBYE MESSAGE LMAO????? i can just imagine you checking your phone and then suddenly it's a "i have decided to quit. blah blah blah yap yap yap yap yap yap yap. goodbye." message from your store manager LMAOOO (it reminds me of this one fateful day in high school i'm eating my lunch and check my phone and suddenly there's an instagram message from my sister's bf "hey. i love you and your sister so much and i know this is going to be hard for you guys now that we're separating but i just want to say that i'm still here if you guys need anything and don't be mad at her. she's an amazing person and i will always love you guys." NOT ME FINDING OUT THAT MY SISTER AND HER BF BROKE UP [only to get back together a few months later] FROM HER BF BEFORE I EVEN HEARD IT FROM HER??? AND IT WAS THE MOST RANDOM THING EVER LIKE BROTHER IT'S 12 PM ON A WEDNESDAY WHAT'S HAPPENING) THE FACT THAT EVERYONE BUT THE MANAGERS KNEW ???? THAT'S CRAZY 😭 I HOPE THAT DOESN'T MAKE THINGS MORE DIFFICULT FOR YOU FOR HOWEVER MUCH LONGER YOU CONTINUE TO WORK THERE!!

and yes!! maybe your male store manager should be reading cutesy hq x fem reader stories!!! maybe that'll soften his hard heart <33 he's kicking his feet reading a kenma x figure skating reader smau rn <33 how cute!! MAYBE HE WAS TOO BUSY READING CUTE HQ FICS TO REALIZE HOW MUCH HE WAS BOSSING U AROUND WHICH WOULD BE THE ONLY VALID EXCUSE FOR HIS ACTIONS BC OTHER THAN THAT!! grr bark bark let me at him mango anon!!! i will fight him!!! him sending u on side missions and then being like "wait u haven't done your main mission on top of the thousands of side quests i sent u on??!! how dare u!!" (i love using the words missions and quests now for work I WILL FOREVER BE DOING THAT NOW)

AND HE FR SOUNDS LIKE MY MANAGER!! like okay at my store we have the store manager (old man with a mohawk and jeep with no doors and thousands of ducks on his dashboard and is like never there bc he's so busy trying to also help out/manage other stores bc ig we just don't have enough store managers or something. also he's a little crazy bc i think i told u this but one time this guy came in wanting to frame BLACK CORAL he bought OFF THE STREETS OF SOMEWHERE IN MEXICO [black coral IS ENDANGERED AND SO IT IS HIGHLY ILLEGAL TO BE IN POSSESSION OF IT OR MOVE IT OR ANYTHING] and so we had to ask my store manager if we should even be allowed to take it in and frame the coral bc like?? technically it's not ours?? but also maybe a store shouldn't be doing that?? and he would NOT stop comparing it to "this would be like framing a pound of cocaine!!" and he kept saying it and we were like "OKAY BUDDY!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?? DO YOU WANT A POUND OF COCAINE BEHIND A GLASS IN A LITTLE WOODEN FRAME??" anyway sorry i'll move on, but he's pretty silly), we have like manager #1 that handles all the new employees and also helps around the store, manager #2 that probably does something like that too but idk what it is (and also helps around the store) and then we have "my" manager whose in charge of the framing department (who she's kind of new to being a manager. like basically she worked there and then the old framing manager quit and they begged her to be a manager which all happened right as i was hired). and when i first started she was like "if you close with manager #2 sometimes she'll ask u to help close the store as well" (bc since we're the framing department, we just close our part of the store and the rest of the closers close the actual store if that makes sense) which like!! ig i get!! bc our closing responsibilities are a little bit easier and i don't mind helping!! but also it's not my job and i'm getting paid minimum wage for this!! and even my framing manager said it in a tone that sounded like "yeah this is a crappy thing to make us do so i would never make u do that if u close with me" so i trusted her to not be crappy!! (even though she kind of is) BUT ANYWAY WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS IS LIKE ON THURSDAY SHE HAD ME RUNNING SIDE QUESTS TOO and i was coming into the main office like about to grab paper for our printer AND to ask my manager if i could take a 15 minute break bc i knew she was in there but then she's on our radio like "and ness! will u please sweep THE ENTIRE STORE" (MIND U MY BUILDING USED TO BE A BOOKSTORE AND IS PRETTY BIG. ALSO THIS IS THE SECOND TIME SHE'S ASKED ME TO DO THIS AND THE FIRST TIME I UNDERSTOOD BC THERE WAS ONLY ONE OTHER CLOSER, SO LIKE THERE WAS JUST MY MANAGER [CLOSING REGISTERS], OTHER COWORKER [CLOSING ENTIRE STORE], AND ME [CLOSING FRAMING] BUT ON THURSDAY THERE WERE THREE!!!!! OTHER COWORKERS WHO WERE CLOSING THE ENTIRE STORE SO TELL ME WHY NONE OF THEM COULD TAKE AN HOUR TO SWEEP THE FLOORS SO I COULD GET MY STUFF DONE) AND SO THE PROBLEM is that i was going to ask to take my break!! bc the last of my other coworkers had just gotten off their break and so i was like "cool!! now it's my turn :D" BUT BC I HAD TO SWEEP THE FLOORS I COULDN'T TAKE A BREAK BC IT WAS ALREADY TOO LATE and then i closed framing and there's like three minutes left until we close so wtf am i supposed to do in that time so i'm on my phone (and i was also in the mindset of: this is my 15 minute break shortened into three minutes since i couldn't take it earlier) but my manager comes in and is like "erm...what r u doing on your phone." KYS (SORRY that day made me so mad i am now done with this side tangent!! sorry to ramble so long while ur talking about your manager but i thought you might find this funny 😭😭)

and i think it sounds like a great idea to focus more on school!! especially if your work is scheduling you so much and customers are stressful and everything </3 I WOULD TAKE OVER FOR YOU IF I COULD!! EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LIKE CLOTHING RETAIL!!! and yeah i mean quitting is terrifying 😭😭 the first time i quit (hosting job) i literally did it over text (felt like one of those fboys breaking up with their gf over text "hey. i think we need to take a break." BARF) and my manager (has made me cry before) literally took me out back the next day and was like "why do u want to quit?? what if we just don't schedule u as much?? or like once your workload as school lightens up u come back??" and i was like "no...i'm done lmfao." (i didn't say that. unfortunately i made up some bs like "oh!! maybe!! i would love to come back!! i just don't know when i'll be less stressed so i'll tell you when i'm doing better [which would be never] :)") and my second job (fast food job </3) i did print out some google doc two weeks notice template and they literally could not care less and i didn't care so it'll be ok!! and it sounds like your manager was super nice about it so that's good!! I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU MANGO ANON <33 WE COULD HOST TOGETHER!! WE'D BE THE BEST DUO EVER LITERALLY LIKE I THINK THE WORLD COULD PAIR US UP AND THROW US INTO LIKE A CONSTRUCTION CREW AND WE'D BUILD THE BEST SKYSCRAPER EVER DESPITE NO PAST EXPERIENCE. LIGHTS AND SOUND DUO? THAT'S US <3 HOSTING TOGETHER? WE CAN DO IT <3 BUILDING HOUSES?? AN EASY TASK FOR NESS AND MANGO ANON!!! <3

AND LMAO DW ABOUT MAKING SENSE AT ALL!! i will always be able to follow mango anon i am convinced we are literally two peas in a pod <3 on the same wavelength and everything!! and that was me last time i answered and lowkey how i'm feeling today 😭😭 i just write whatever pops into my silly little brain!!

AND YOU WOULDN'T STRESS ME OUT AT ALL MY LOVE <333 I'M SO SO SO SO GLAD I GET TO INTERACT WITH YOU!! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE I LOVE TALKING TO YOU EVERYDAY <3 LOWKEY I ENJOY GOING TO MY HOSTESS JOB ESPECIALLY (since that seems to be where all the drama happens LMFAO i love u food industry) bc i'm always in the mindset of "omg!! what can i tell mango anon happened today <3" or something happens and i'm like "I'M TELLING MANGO ANON ABOUT THIS" like i love everyone!! but everytime someone asks me how my day is sometimes i purposely keep things away...so that when i talk to u i can tell u everything that happened if that makes sense.. (i'm sorry to ANYONE ELSE OTHER THAN MANGO ANON READING THIS I LOVE U ALL AND I LOVE TALKING TO U GUYS BUT ALSO I REALLY REALLY LOVE MANGO ANON) so definitely pls lmk if you want me to write you anything!! i would love to ESPECIALLY IF IT CAN HELP MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!! but i cannot tell you how much it has also helped me to talk to you!! i love to hear about your days and hear your replies and literally everything i love you so much mango anon <33

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT BEING POLITE TO MEN!! THEY DON'T DESERVE YOUR POLITENESS literally men are the worst!! i don't think there's anything going on in their heads!! and i definitely feel bad if any of them have a wife and how much they probably have to do to make up for their lame excuse of a husband </33 AND YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HOW YOU COME OFF EITHER MANGO ANON!! ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS ARE ALWAYS VALID <3 DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!! IT IS ALWAYS VALID TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR JOB AND HOW YOU'RE BEING TREATED THERE!! ALL OF THAT IS REAL AND CAN BE STRESSFUL!! and once again i'm glad you may be quitting soon!! so that hopefully you can alleviate some of that stress!! ETSY WITCH HEXING IS SO SO CUTE <33

AAA CINNAMON ALMOND BUTTER <33 DO NOT WORRY!! I WILL FLY TO U AND BRING U MY FAVORITE ALMOND BUTTER AND BAGELS!!!! AND DEF DW ABOUT LIKE FINDING IT ONLINE 😭😭 when i first started buying cinnamon almond butter and had to get it off amazon/the brand's sketchy website tell me why each jar was literally like $13????? i think the one i buy now is like $7 so i feel like that's a bit better 😭

AND PLEASE!! NEVER WORRY ABOUT LIKE YOUR BLOG OR DMING ME OR NAYTHING <33 OR OFC JUST MAKE A BURNER ACCOUNT 😭😭 BUT I PROMISE YOU ARE JUST AS AWESOME AS EVERYONE ELSE (if not more awesome!! teehee <3) AND HONESTLY I LOVE SEEING U IN MY INBOX BUT LAST NIGHT I WAS LIKE "i wish i could check in on mango anon 😔 but i have no way of messaging her first" BUT ALSO I LOVE OUR DYNAMIC!! I LOVE THAT U SEND THESE AS ASKS BUT I WILL BE HAPPY AS LONG AS I TALK TO U!!! I LOVE KNOWING U ARE ALIVE AND WELL ALSO!! <3 I WILL LOVINGLY BITE YOUR CHEEK AND NOT SO LOVINGLY BITE YOUR BRAIN'S REASONING AND INSECURITIES!! BC YOU ARE AWESOME MANGO ANON I LOVE YOU <3

AND AAA OMG I LOVE SCORPIOS!!! I ALSO NO LONGER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOROSCOPES LMAO LIKE I USED TO BE REALLY INTO IT AND THEN KIND OF FELL OFF ("wdym my fav color is red bc i'm a scorpio" LMAOO THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD) BUT I DO KNOW SCORPIOS AND CANCERS ARE LIKE SUPER COMPATIBLE!!! LITERALLY WE ARE TWIN FLAMES LOOK AT US <3 AND YES my birthday did just pass 😭😭 this is so scary like i hope not a lot of people see this bc i feel bad but like i def did just round up when i started putting my age on my blog bc i was like "i'm almost 18 anyway whtvr!!!" (i had under a month </3) I PROMISE I'M NOT A BIG LIAR i don't even want to like make excuses about this bc it was super stressful for my on my birthday bc i was like "do i pretend to be 19 now?? or just keep rolling and hope no one thinks abt the fact that i'm a cancer??" but i wanted to be honest as possible and everything yk 😭😭 so i'm sorry i rounded up for a little bit AAA sorry i hope that's okay i've never mentioned this on the blog before but i feel safe with u mango anon 😭😭 so i'm saying this here 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 BUT DON'T LET THAT GUILT TRIP YOU OR ANYTHING JUST YELL AT ME IF THIS WAS A BAD THING FOR ME TO DO OR ANYTHING I'M SO SORRY (i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry pls know i'm so sorry idek what to say but i just hope this wasn't upsetting to find out?? idk?? i'm sorry </3) I WILL BE THROWING YOU A BIG CELEBRATION WITH A BIG CAKE AND ALL THE PRESENTS IN THE WORLD IN NOVEMBER!! <3

PLEASE IT WOULD BE SO FUN TO PLAY PHASMOBIA TOGETHER!! I'VE NEVER PLAYED IT BEFORE AND DON'T HAVE IT I'VE JUST SEEN CLIPS OF PEOPLE PLAYING IT AND I'D BE SO SCARED TO PLAY IT 😭 BUT IK IT'D BE FUN WITH YOU!! AND AA I'M SO HAPPY I COULD GIVE YOU THE NICKNAME!! IT'S SO SWEET AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH <3 AND YES!!!! THAT WAS ME I MADE THAT POST ABOUT SUNA AND ATSUMU BEING LOSERS IT WAS THE DAY I WAS LOCKED UP IN A ROOM FOR LIKE 7 HOURS TRYING TO GET MY HAIR DYED RED AND WAS GOING CRAZY 😭😭😭 AND I REMEMBER YOUR ASK TOO BC I WAS SO SO HAPPY TO SEE SOMEONE AGREE WITH ME!! bc i was like scared to show that opinion bc it genuinely felt like entering the community of people who are obsessed with suna smoking and being like "suna doesn't smoke" YK LIKE I FELT LIKE I WAS LITERALLY THROWING MYSELVES TO THE WOLVES BUT THEN U AGREED WITH ME AND I WAS LIKE "OH THANK GOODNESS!!" i am forever thankful to tumblr and the world for letting that post come across your feed!!! BC I'M SO SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE MANGO ANON <33

AND LITERALLY!!! PLEASE TALKING ABOUT TECH TRAUMA OVER 3AM MAC N CHEESE (MADE BY ATSUMU MIYA HIMSELF) WOULD BE A DREAM!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU TUESDAY MANGO ANON!! I WILL BUY MAC N CHEESE TODAY <3

i love random intermission!! I LOVE ICE!! I LOVE EATING ICE!! AS U READ THIS MAKE SURE U DRINK SOME WATER!!

MANGO ANON I HOPE YOU HAD AN AMAZING SLEEP AFTER WRITING THIS 😭😭 THE WAY WE WERE LITERALLY THE SAME FALLING ASLEEP TRYING TO REPLY TO EACH OTHER PLEASE NEVER WORRY ABOUT RESPONDING AS WELL!! i love you so much <3 the way you were telling me if i was tired to not worry about replying when you're HERE!! DOING THE SAME THING!! /lh (AS LONG AS YOU SLEPT AND FELT WELL RESTED AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF I FORGIVE U!!)

and yeah omg i'm so stressed for my stage managing duties coming up 😭😭 bc my directors also put so so so much pressure on our stage managers 😭 i remember we did "the tempest" one of my high school years and it was a show that our theatre was basically submitting to try to take to like a thespian conference?? idk if other states/countries do that 😭 and basically bc i was the light board op yk i was always right next to my stage manager and our director would ALWAYS come up and be like "YOU need to do this THIS and THIS and THIS and WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE THIS YET? it's YOUR job AS THE STAGE MANAGER" and like she was stressed I was stressed and he was only making it worse bc then she got more stressed out and then i was stressed bc she was stressed and it just was not a good time </33 AND THAT'LL BE ME SOON!!! 😃😃😃😃 i need ur strength mango anon!!! pls come be my sound person 😭😭

AND YES!! LIKE SOMETIMES YOUNGER KIDS ARE MENACES BUT THEN YOU FIND THE REALLY GOOD ONES AND YOU'RE LIKE "omg let me adopt you and just care for you and give you every single thing in the world. u are my child now." OR AT LEAST THAT'S HOW I FEEL LMAOO AND I'M SUCH A PROUD MOTHER TOO!! i think i told u this ( i just went back to check so i'm not repeating myself and i did so nvm BUT I ALSO JUST SAW HOW MANY TYPOS I MADE MY BAD 😭😭 I FR THINK IN THE MOMENT "yeah there's no way i made any typos!!" BUT I DEF DID I'M SORRY ) OKAY SO NVM I'M NOT TELLING THE STORY AGAIN I WAS JUST GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW I WAS HELPING THE GROUP OF THE KID I ADOPTED BC I LOVE HER BUT INSTEAD LET ME TELL YOU the other groups in that class were so stressful. mango anon i had a nightmare last night about having to use an angle grinder bc they broke a drill bit trying to make a box and then all of their screws were like poking out the side of the box 😭😭 AND ACTUALLY SO THEY FINISHED MAKING THEIR LITTLE BOXES ON FRIDAY and had to use a piece of lauan (just thin wood!! idk how explain it or how much u know i'm sorry </3) to make like the back of the box AND MY KIDS DID SO GOOD I WAS SO PROUD OF THEM I TOTALLY GET IT <3

i have completely lost any sense of comprehensibility so I'M SORRY FOR HOW RANDOM THIS ALL IS 😭 BUT YES!! WE ARE SO CONNECTED I THINK I TOLD U THIS AS WELL BUT LIGHTS AND SOUND ARE DEF CONNECTED </3 there was one time a group of actors (seniors when i was a junior) asked me to run the sound board bc like no one else was there to do it and i was like "oh!! i never have before but OKAY IG 😃" BUT OMG UR TOTAL RIGHT BEING IN THEATRE WAS LITERALLY JUST LIKE WATCHING REALITY SHOWS?? LIKE I'VE NEVER WATCHED KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS OR WHATEVER THAT SHOW IS BUT I'M SURE IT'S JUST LIKE THAT LMAOOO and that's exactly why it was so easy for my directors to convince me to come back 😭😭 and like it's even better now that i've graduated!! so i feel like i'm on more equal playing ground with my directors and everything!! IF YOU FLEW TO ACCOMPANY ME YOU WOULD LITERALLY SAVE MY LIFE LMAO 😭😭 u could help me co-parent this lovely kid i've adopted!! she could grow up to be a dual lights and sound kid omg <3 MANGO ANON I NEED U TO COME HERE!!!

AND HELLO??????? BECOMING MISTER SUNA RINTAROU HIMSELF??????????? MAYBE YOU ALREADY ARE MANGO ANON <3 I THINK YOU'RE MY IRL SUNA RINTAROU <3 AND I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE FOUND YOU <3 I AM NO LONGER CURSING OUT THE WORLD FOR PUTTING ME IN THE WRONG UNIVERSE BC I HAVE FOUND YOU!!! SO THIS IS THE RIGHT UNIVERSE FOR ME BC I HAVE YOU <3333 I'M SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED THE TONICS INTROS!! THANK YOU SM I'M SO SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT <33

I LITERALLY KICKED MY FEET READING YOUR LAST MESSAGE MANGO ANON <33 YOU ARE LITERALLY THE BEST YOU ARE MY IRL SUNA AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I WOULD BE UR HOUSEWIFE TOO IF U WOULD HAVE ME <3333333 AND I'M SO SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU!!!! I WILL BE WORKING EXTRA HARD TONIGHT TO PAY FOR MY TICKET TO SEE U <33 AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT SHIFT TONIGHT!! I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN LOVE <3 I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL SLEEP AND HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY!! MAKE SURE TO EAT AND DRINK WATER <333