#its so many things i cant cope
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this song makes me so unwell because it is sooooo quintessentially pjo like every character has a line here it's insane I'm sobbing so hard
#pjo hoo toa#riordanverse#from my drafts#->#“over the dead sea keeping you company thinking im not afraid of you now”#its the sea of monsters when percy learns to love tyson#its hazel and frank getting to know percy in the son of neptune#its so many things i cant cope#“candescent insects - crosses and fishnets - i have nothing to pray to you now”#nico coming to terms with catholic guilt#unclaimed demigod kids growing resentful of their parents#giving up on being wanted#HELP MEEEE#“villain and violent - infant and innocent - baby both arms cradle you now”#luke's mother waiting for him at home#little leo blaming himself for his mum's death#i cant do this#percy getting a grip on the full extent of his powers and scaring the shit out of everyone#hes just a boy#i am SICK#Spotify#percy jackson#pjo#leo valdez#nico di angelo#tyson pjo#hazel levesque#frank zhang#luke castellan#may castellan
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how do people even find partners. i dont want a bullshit answer, like really
#maybe im intimidating but no one has been interested in me#its just. rough#and i cant force myself to like anyone romantically if i dont feel compatability#i just want to be cared about in an exclusive way that friendship alone cant fix#i dont post abt this often but i got no sleep so yall gotta deal#its um. crushing sometimes#i dont even know if im aro as cope. once i did THC im more emotionallt aware and its. haha#the people around me tell me things that make me feel like im a catch and i feel it myself but NO ONE has advanced#and ive only felt attracted to one person in my life. who was taken ofc#im not sure it wouldve worked out good though anyway since im more emotionally mature#but it was because he expressed genuine care towards me and made me feel good about myself in honest ways i havent heard from anyone#and made me feel important to him#so im really at a loss#and also our conversations flow really smooth and we agree on many things that we find important#are there any extroverts that confidently wear their hearts on the sleeves and try to bring joy that want me#someone sensitive to my needs#my needs of which are actually very very basic#hi
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paranoia about posting is so odd. "they're gonna know." know what?? i'm mentally ill? why is that bad. also its pretty freaking obvious. this is tumblr.com after all.
#i have so so many drafts bc of this. ill let them out someday#I'm mostly worried about posting something delusional and sounding odd#but i think constantly trying to assess if a thought is delusional or not is exhausting#i just want to be able to say things on my silly blog without worrying#what im tryna say is I'm aware I might be saying absolute nonsense but i want to be able to talk freely anyways#so yeah idk.#also ill be fine its just the stress i think. this too shall pass yadda yadda. i just dont feel like logging out of tumblr until it does.#if its here to stay thats ok too ill learn how to cope.#I think stressing over whether I'm currently sane or not is a waste of time I cant change it either way so might as well roll with it.#even if i'm scared#ok yeah thats all. i want to draft this but i feel like that defeats the whole purpose lol#rambling#paranoia
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I LOVE going everywhere by bike. Don't need to wait for a bus. Don't need to cram myself into a bus with (urgh) people. Or even worse, what feels like every single student in town. I still get home in about the same amount of time. I'm so so flexible including with places. Like yeah sure, let's go there! I don't care if the next bus station is far away. Doesn't matter to me.
Stayed out late with friends recently. Two of em had to get their family to come pick them up because that's too far to walk and it was too late for buses. A different friend lives like 30 minutes away but always walks and their way goes through a small park where literally no one is at with few lanterns so it's pitch black and I could literally just walk them home and then take the bike which is faster and has its own light and feels and probably is safer than walking those dark ass streets at night alone.
Like. I can just do all that. And yeah, sometimes when I'm not doing too well I feel like collapsing afterwards and yeah, maybe my fingers feel like falling off a lot at this time of year but that's like. SO worth it. I have no idea how people can live and NOT go everywhere by bike. Like if it's more than 20-30 minutes maybe but even with hills.... I fucking love my bike.
#a biscuit's rambles#also i just love going out with friends til late??#with the lockdown and shit that is such an entirely new experience and its great#also i like feeling useful i think. i like walking a friend home knowing ill definitely get home safe#idk#i also like my bike. a lot#been taking it literally every single day for years now and i have no regrets#EXCEPT FOR THOSE FUCKING PEDESTRIANS THAT HEAR MY BELL AND DO NOT FUCKING MOVE#AND THE OTHER BIKES THAT JUST DONT RING THEIR BELLS OR NOT EVEN HAVE ANY#LIKE THEN YOU GOTTA AT LEAST YELL AT PEOPLE TO MOVE OVER YOU NUMBNUT#A BIKE IS QUIET THEY DO NOT HEAR YOU THEY WILL NOT MOVE OVER MAGICALLY#AND IM STUCK BEHIND YOU#ALSO ITS JUST ASSHOLE BEHAVIOUR LIKE SOMEITMES WARNING SOMEONE SO THEY KEEP TO THE BLOODY SIDE IS GOOD!!!#and dont even get me STARTED ON SOME OF THE CARS#MUCH LESS THE STUPID ASS FUCKING INFRASTRUCTURE OF MY TOWN#ITS LIKE THEY WANT BIKES TO BE RUN OVER#fun fact i have been run over before#just fuckin collided with a car#nobody would listen to me try to pick apart the details of how it felt#which was probably my way of trying to cope with that experience lol#though nothing serious happened. bUT STILL#also oh god that one stupid fucking street with those stupid ass cars NOBODY NEEDS A CAR THERE JUST BAND HTEM ALREADY#AND THE. THE FUCKIGN ROADWORKS#I CAN NOT REACH MY SCHOOL WITHOUT ALMOST BEING EITHER HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A HUGE SHOVEL OR RUN OVER BY A TRUCK#AND IF THATS NOT THE CASE THEN THERES SO MANY FCKING PEOPLE THAT EVEN IF I YELL AT THEM LIKE MAD I CANT GET PAST WITHOUT RUNNING SOMEONE#THROUGH MYSELF#im very passionate about all things bike. but thinking abt it is a huge part of my life so im allowed to be
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Man some of y'all make really fucked up stories, especially with hunter 😬
#i cant get over how many think this is a good take..#and honestly it feels like many don't understand abuse at all and fetishize the f out of it#i know many cope in writing angst#AND#im not talking about that#i think its good to expand and explore#especially when it comes to narrative and writing and developing#however#yikes#like i feel kinda offended by this ONE thing#because holy shit does this not fly at all#evetext#everytime i see it on my feed i ger so uncomfortable#i cant deal#but i can only do so much when it comes to blocking
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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and i dont know exactly why the fuck joe is like this. he doesnt fucking know either even after his arc. theres so many little things that contributed to him turning out Like That that there really isnt a single solid thing i can point to that caused this. i could make a list about all the shit his parents said to him that definitely contributed but its really not the whole story. it was just. a slow build up across his entire life with so many minor fuck ups that just added to the pile. which is why its so fucking hard for him to break out of it. this has been happening for as long as he can remember its a fundamental truth to the world in his head that he cant be him or everything will go wrong because thats how its always been
#text#the deathspeaker#joe#so many things couldve fixed him. and it didnt.#he doesnt have a tragic backstory hes just some guy that learned an unhealthy coping mechanism#when he was like 8-13 and the problem is it actually helped fixed things externally#this is just how it has to be. and you cant fucking expect him to unlearn that easily#it takes fucking [redacted] for the facade to completely shatter#and i genuinely dont think anything else couldve gotten him to stop at this point.#which is pretty sucks#but it makes me lose my mind so its actually awesomes#his brain just needs a hard reset. *runs at him holding a hammer*
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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UGH PEOPLE CAN BE SO STUPID SOME TIMES.
#okay okay but its obvious if you even practiced basic thought you would get it-- unheslthy coping mechanisms come from things people need to#cope with#and if you are MEAN TO THEM#they will withdraw further into the mechanism#ESPECIALLY if you are hating on them for the coping mechanism that is directly linked to traumatic experiences#it is THAT STRAIGHTFOREWARD#please JUST TREAT OTHE R PEOPLE LOIKENTJr nvrsgtv ugh#this is coming from a girl who imagined some one being mean to people people who im not even like#the things that theyre being mean about dont even apply to me (much)#UGHHH I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ON HOW THIS IS MANAGED SOCAILLY i need to UGH GOSH#it makes me very mad okay?#but also who could i tell about this becaus eit makes a problem *I* have (that i would rather keep mostly secret) very very apparent. so i#cant tell my normal friends. but the ones closest to me who already know might disagree and im really really scared about what they would d#if they disagree#hehehe sorry that was im rambling okay bring the post tag:#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the internet for the first time#and done 😁
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didnt think id cry over a fanfiction in which eddie munson has BPD, and steve knows this, and literally outright says that he knows eddie could split over him and say or do or feel very hurtful things, but it doesn’t matter to him and he loves him anyway. fucking God damn
because as much as people have claimed to “not care” that i have BPD, they also make it clear that any symptoms are too much and they can’t handle it. and like, i get that. i do. i know. most people just can’t handle someone like me. i’m probably doomed to be mostly-alone and only have surface-level friendships, barring stitch, for the rest of my life if i don’t get better at hiding it. i’m so fucking lucky to even have stitch. like, even my own parents can’t handle me. i am so grateful for my best friend.
the idea that someone could know exactly what BPD entails, could know what splitting is, could know what it could mean, and instead of running for the hills because im toxic they would actually stay, and love me anyway, the knowledge that it’s possible, that i’m not abusive and evil in the eyes of every person ever on this earth and someone on this planet is capable of loving me anyway even if i never meet them, it’s. oh my God. so many fucking feelings. i wasnt expecting that.
#bobbi babbling#warning i vented in the tags you can ignore em#i have lost so many friends becauuse of my BPD#and i know it’s ny fault#as much as i wanna pretend it isnt it is my fault#its all always been my fault#and i try and i try to be a good person and act better and hide it better and get better at hiding instead of facing people#but its so hard#i hate being alone#but i hate hurting people more#i scare myself and i scare people who get close to me#and the only ways i know how to cope with really bad episodes without hurting others#is eith vigorous self harm; breaking shit; doing stupid things; screaming…#locking nyself up in closets until i hyperventilate so bad i faint#and tire myself out#and its fucking scary#i dont wanna live likr this anymore#i wish people could love me#but they cant#god this turned into a vent.#sorry.
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anyone else keep slipping back into bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms not because you can't do better or you don't have the skills or motivation to stick to a better lifestyle but because the vibe of your life just feels wrong if you try to be like, healthy
#this was the hardest thing about quitting smoking to be its just a loss of so many vibes that i enjoy. like obviously i was#psychologically and physiologically addicted to nicotine so it wasnt vibes but like i think the sort of#loss of the feelings in my life that smoking caused and the vibe of being a smoker was much hardeer to cope with than like#nicotine cravings or whatever#its kind of interesting bc a lot of this stuff i KNOW it makes me feel worse and i know its not good for me and i dont particularly WANT#to be doing it but also i do want to be doing it bc it gives me something i just cant get otherwise. and like#the experience of being a healthy good person isn't the same. it doesnt feel as interesting#its less novel and less stimulating yk#ugh its all the adhd isnt it
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That exactly. Like I understand it when it’s words like psycho and narcissist but crazy and insane ain’t shit compared to those.
“Don’t call yourself crazy!!!” I think there are demons outside my house that’ll kill me if they see me. I get so scared of windows at night I need them covered with curtains or I physically cannot walk past them. shut the fuck up!!!
one time i called myself insane and someone was like "u shouldnt say that. ur normal" I regret to inform you,
#❄.txt#ask box#unreality#tw unreality#i feel like the rise of words like 'delulu' caused a lot of people to think that the problem is not romanticizing and glorifying delusions#and instead the problem is anything even vaguely related to delusions/psychosis/etc (regardless of what disorders the person has)#theres a huge difference between a neurotypical person saying 'lol im so delulu' bc they have a crush on someone vs someone saying#'woah thats so crazy' or a delusional/psychotic person saying 'im so crazy/insane' as a joke#u cant automatically assume whether or not someone is psychotic or not if they havent said they are/arent#so policing what other ppl say when they arent saying anything actually harmful is Bad#esp when theyre just like. making jokes to cope#like some ppl just cant deal with the fact that language changes over time?? words dont mean the same things they used to anymore n thats o#'crazy' used to be exclusively just an insult but it isnt anymore. its actually Good that it isnt just used as an insult anymore#wow this got ranty i have so many thoughts in my head
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i’m watching the homestuck lets read and also hannibal with a friend whos never seen it. what year is it
#its so much fun coping witj life like this ^_^#why cant normal things bring me the same amount of joy that consuming old beautiful dear to me media does. like fuck i dont even want to hav#have sex i just wanna stare at hugh dancy’s beautiful face PLEASE DO NOT interrupt him speaking…. thank you…#i just want to squeak everytime something memorable happens on screen of a piece of media that i have seen many times before
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maw why are these troll accounts linked through my ex best friends STILL following me
#im highly convinced at this stage she was the one that made the fake accounts#the gas thing is is that she was mainly an online friend and had she kept in touch with me at the time she wouldve known i was in the#studio in college preparing for my assignment for the semester so i dont fail like there were specific requirements we had to get done for#that week... and you think i would have that time to make fake accounts if anything itd be you and your online friends#emphasis on online because you could hardly make friends or even get a job here so you got one back home#the saddest thing is that the memes can be funny but its just what they represent in this whole situation that sours it completely#dont get me started on her friend she is honestly so polarising even from an outsider's perspective#ugh it doesnt annoy me anymore as it did because at the end of the day it has nothing to do with me but the fact that theyre STILL going on#about it makes me think that her and her online buddies have nothing else to do apart from being with themselves constantly#i had that life but no way did i want to live that way in my 20s 💀#i fucked up before that incident but isnt it convenient when we hardly spoke for a month just for the ~fake account~ to appear to stop#being friends like as awful as it sounds but itd actually be a lot easier just to say you dont want to be friends#instead of dragging outsiders into it like you do best#the saddest thing is that she was actually quite fake even before she went down a permanent online rabbit hole#and i was aware of it but because i was emotionally vulnerable at the time i never cut her off since i really wanted friends to talk to#play that cool girl alty idgaf attitude all you like but it doesn't change the fact that you're superficial no matter how much you mask it#ugh im hormonal and i cant sleep but at the same time its nice to be able to freely bc not as many people use tumblr anymore#i block those accounts not because im offended or im precious about my image but they do spam and its annoying af so i dont want that tbh#having pictures with a school friend whilst under the same breath making jokes of their dead brother is not a good look 😬#i did fucked up things as a result of coping with trauma and alienation as a teenager but this is actually low?#im sorry but it does it screams fake and im pretty sure that the fake treatment was given to me when we first became friends#fake people rarely ever change#i have to get ready for work in an hour this was unexpected#might vent later because i feel like i can do anything on this godforsaken website#the shocking thing to them is that they nothing on me if anything the 'proof' she showed me almost exposed her and her crowd#i have deleted my fb account but i still have the screenshots somewhere
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Oh no guys I read about adhd symptoms to see if I had it and now I've made myself sad :c dang these things be affecting my life :c
#rant#i was like: well i probably have ahdh but i have a fuckton of coping mechanisms so doctors probably wont help me#then i reflected on my coping mechanisms :c#guys i spend 8 hours prepping for a doctors appt. im not kidding. i hqve to schedule reminders on my outlook calendar#that i must look at constantly for work (so i dont forget). then sit for a couple hours to focus and dontemplate on the goal#of the appt. then write everything i need to tell them. then think some more. then write things i forgot in another few days#then in anothef few days. then after several hours and a few weeks i have a LIST OF STUFF TO TELL DOCTOR and then i always put calendar#appts EARLY on them by 1 hour so i freak out when i hear alarm and get ready then have time to get there extra.#and i do this for. taxes. oil changes. license renewal. any appointment of any kind. any work situation that isnt super routine and quick#all this shit takes me hours to WEEKS of prep. taxes take me 2 weeks of ONLY TAX WORK so like 20-30 hours whenever im nog working to slowly#prep then calm down then concentrate then prep. but i also do this for shopping for so much basic shit#i have calendar reminders to pay bills. i have a whiteboard on fridge to remind me of chores#i CANNOT remember any convo or task without gratuitious written reminders and notes so i write EVERYRHING down. college was hell#i threw out my planners from college so many bad memories and stress. byt like. goddamn some peiple...#onlt take 1-3 hours to prep for a#doctor???? or even less?!!!! some people GENUINELY only need 8 hours/a#sunday to do taxes???!!!! some people can plan appointmenrs without 1 hour buffer early time on their alarms? hell without NEEDING alarms#to remember the appt exists??!!!! i cant even follow a conversation thats 5 minutes without asking what they said. my mind blanks and i#space out. like... :c quite sad how much time is wasted by all this prep to cope as well as others. its all that CBT therapy strategies i#learned combined with just. so many fuxking notes.#i also do SO much to have normal convos. i practiced hard to focus ish and respond better and write things and have#the correct expressions and even now i know my talking speed upsets some ppl. which stresses me out :/
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