#its more of a matter when Ill need to switch my power generators out than if

[arolesbianism]

Thinking abt her <333333 (oni gas range)

[demonslayedher]

Buriko-Senpai! This is such a wonderful blog to read, and I love your art so much! It's so nice to see other traditional artists out there! What's your thoughts on the demon slayer marks and their affects after Muzan's defeat? Do you think they're a purely physical effect, or a supernatural curse like Ubuyashiki's? It seems like in the latter case it would be lifted? In Tanjiro's status report, he mentions wanting everyone to be happy "when he's gone", and hints of preparation for the future...

Thank you for the kind words on my art! (≧◡≦) Glad to know people like the style, I like the feel of trad art both for the final product and how the pen feels in my hand, haha~. I love all the additional possibilities in digital art, but will leave that to the people who are good at it. Glad you find my blog a good read too, because we’ve got another lengthy read ahead.

As for the mark and whether it works in a purely physical sense or a curse sense, I'm ok thinking of it in either way, depending on its purposes in post-canon fanwork (but of course, you can do whatever you want in fanwork totally inventing the mark or completely ignoring it too). As Gotouge never states exactly what becomes of Tanjiro, Giyuu, and Sanemi, I don’t feel we can declare it working one way or another. We'll consider it from both angles, but in general, I think canon evidence leans toward an avoidable physical impact. Even that, however, leaves room for interpretation on strict "25" might be or not.

If we approach the curse direction first, the worldbuilding surrounding the Ubuyashiki curse gives a lot of framework for the mark being a curse. The second fanbook even gives us more circumstance and age-related perimeters that seem very arbitrary, like how only one male will survive each generation and how the daughters will also die young by sudden illness or accident if they don’t marry out. As the curse is tied to Muzan’s/demons existence, it is completely lifted once Muzan is eradicated, but Kiriya still anticipates dying in his 20’s and does not feel relieved that it’s gone until he’s in his 30’s. This would put Giyuu and Sanemi in their 50’s if they’re still around, and with their own curses effectively gone, they’d probably have spent the past couple decades insisting to Kiriya that he can relax.

If the rebound of the mark is a supernatural curse, there are a couple other things that make sense about this to me, in the light of cosmic justice at play in this universe. First, it’s a general rule in a lot of philosophies and other works of fiction that to gain something powerful, you must pay the price and sacrifice something. Second, the Ubuyashiki family is cursed to carry the sins of one of its members until they can stop that demon member. While Demon Slayers may not necessarily be carrying the sins of demons, we see demon marks at play in this series first, though its effects are not clear until we see how Nezuko is stronger when her vines appear. A Demon Slayer also gaining extra strength like this is, perhaps, taboo.

As for the mark being a purely physical effect, I think the emphasis on physical effects of the mark (especially how in Chapter 129 Muichiro analyzes its effects on body temperature and the heart), and how throughout the manga it is continually stressed that the Demon Slayers are mere humans even if Breath helps them push the natural limits of human ability, lend to a more physical interpretation that in order to push so far past normal limits, it has to borrow against the natural human lifespan. This is how the characters in-universe also interpret its effects. If we look more into what Muichiro says:

Muichiro: The anger was too strong for me to have any handle on my emotions. I believe that in that moment, my heartrate exceeded 200 beats, and my body felt as hot as though it was burning. My temperature would had measured at least 39 degrees or more. Shinobu: !? Could you move like that? That would be life-threatening. Muichiro: Right. That’s why I think it’s a matter of falling into one category or another. Whether you die or survive that moment is what determines whether a mark will appear or not. Amane: A heartrate of over 200, and why a temperature of 39 degrees? Muichiro: That’s because when I was received treatment at Kocho-san’s place I was running a fever. When my temperature was taken, the thermometer read 39 degrees. At the time I would have been said to have a mark appear, my body was just as feverish.

(For reference, according to searching with the same terms used in the original text, your top heartrate is 220 minus your age, making Muichiro's 206 beats per minute. The average for someone in their 20's is 120~140, somewhat hard exercise would put it at 150, and hard exercise puts it at 170, according to the Borg scale. Normal body temperature in Celsius is 37 degrees; while 39 C = 102.2 F.)

If we look back at when Tanjiro is first facing off against Daki, he considers how he gets more power out of Hinokami Kagura than from Water Breathing because it suits his body better, but he is not yet physically capable of the switch between them. As he psyches himself out in Chapter 77, we see that he has physically been trying to prepare himself for this, and he’s shouting at himself to set his heart ablaze. Clearly, Tanjiro is leaning into that advice from Rengoku-san, and if he’s on his way to getting the mark, he’s been taking that advice somewhat literally.

In Chapter 78, as he purposely raises his own temperature to fight the side effects of switching to Hinokami Kagura, we get a flashback that Kiyo-chan was very worried that Tanjiro was running a temperature of 38 degrees (100.4 F) for three days, but Tanjiro begged her not to tell Shinobu yet because he felt fine in that sustained feverish state, and was able to put more power into Hinokami Kagura that way. (This may also be part of why the mark seems to have a different effect on Sun Breath users, as their body draws from this power in a more sustained way.)

We can probably think of most of the other Breath Users who attained the mark as having gotten it in a similar way to Muichiro. In a fit of high emotion and desperate battle, their body pulled from its natural reserves, and similar to a human and/or demon being exposed to lots of Muzan’s cells all at once and either dying or quickly adapting, they attained a mark and relied on that temporary extra burst of strength. While it either happens or doesn’t happen for the others (Muichiro plainly states he was unaware of a mark’s appearance) based on being the flow of tense battle, Himejima seemed to have gained enough ability that he could choose when he wanted to tap into that power. When we’re first left not knowing what else Amane told the Pillars, Himejima openly wonders what would happen in his case (seeing as he is over the age of 25). In the third light novel, we get a brief scene of Himejima pulling Muichiro aside after that meeting to ask if he’s alright with this, since he’s just found out that he has no chance already of living a long life. Muichiro is fine and wonders about Himejima, who is also fine with this. They both are willing to do whatever it takes to fight Upper Moons and know their survival has never been assured. Himejima goes on to say similar things to Kokushibo in Chapters 169 and 170, when we the readers are finally told about the limited life expectancy. The two of them both sort of expect Himejima to drop dead that night because of his limited stores to draw from. Himejima would had preferred to not raise his temperature so much until facing Muzan (seeing as he knows he’ll be racing against time), but knows he has no choice but to start while facing Kokushibo. Kokushibo is somewhat impressed with his control of getting a mark and his preparation to die, and he finds it a waste of Himejima’s ability and likewise is like, “why not preserve your flesh as a demon” because, as we find out in Kokushibo’s flashbacks in Chapter 178, this was part of what motivated him to accept Muzan’s blood. He couldn’t handle the frustration of his polished techniques being wiped out by a short life span, especially since it would mean he was soon out of time to match or best Yoriichi. If we go back to that conversation between Himejima and Kokushibo, Kokushibo loses his cool (hahaha, that feels like a bit of a pun here) the moment Himejima is like, “there was one exception to the rule though, wasn’t there?” I suspect that Yoriichi was the exception partly due to Sun Breathing being a more perfected, sustained form of pushing the limits of human capability, and Yoriichi being born naturally perfect at it, so his body didn’t need to scramble looking for extras sources of power like hastily (or slowly) borrowing against his lifespan. What’s very interesting about Kokushibo is that he also regularly sustained his mark, so perhaps it’s possible he could had lived past 25? Here's what really key: We also don’t know about these early marked users. Did they regularly sustain their marks, or did they only show up regularly when they battled demons, repeatedly borrowing against their future lifespan? Or was it a one-off thing for each of them, like it was for Giyuu and Sanemi? It’s possible that even if Giyuu and Sanemi are doomed to shorter lives, since they both only had the marks for relatively short periods of time on a single night, they might well exceed 25 years. The fact that Gotouge gave them descendants (as opposed to only implied reincarnations), and because they are both characters generally written as dense in the ways of love and close personal relationships, that sort of implies they needed some time before leaving behind offspring, and I hear a lot of voices in the fandom displeased with the idea of them leaving children behind when they know they won't be around to raise them. Since we don't know any canon details on this, let's cut the boys some slack and say they took a chance on being happy. After all, all their time in the Corp already teaches them tomorrow is never assured.

Side note while we’re on the Sanemi topic, he attains his mark right after Himejima brings his own forth (because Himejima is a badass who can just be like, “ok, now”). While he comments to Himejima what a good idea it was to do Pillar Training so he could attain that powerful state, it’s also possible that being in the presence of someone who already had one was part of what triggered Sanemi’s body to access that state as well. The nature of the mark’s spread from person to person is another tick in the “supernatural curse” box if people like that interpretation more.

Let’s take a look back at Tanjiro, though.

Tanjiro, our special Hinokami Kagura boy, was already a special case for his own knowledge of Sun Breathing (however imperfect), and his own sustained mark (though as Genya notes in Chapter 134, it tends to transform slowly, and as Tanjiro remarks in response to Shinjuro’s comments in Chapter 81, his mark was not something he was born with like the original Sun Breath user was, it was but a childhood injury which took on a different shape when he was injured at the Final Selection). While Amane cites him as the one who started the trickle of marks appearing again, we know in the Pleasure Quarter arc than Tanjiro was been unknowingly training himself to make the mark appear, like the Pillars later tried to do in training.

Tanjiro also, however, has the very unique experience of undergoing repeated cruel and unusual suffering in battle against Muzan, basically dying, turning into a demon with more of Muzan’s cells than any other demon in history, and turning human again with man-made medicine all in the span of about two hours.

We can’t really compare Tanjiro’s case to Giyuu’s and Sanemi’s very easily. Besides the slightly different nature of his mark (which Muzan says will still kill him anyway if he becomes human again, but whether he says that based on a cosmic rule or historical precident, we don't know), we simply don’t know all the details of how Tanjiro's flesh has been affected by everything that happened to him in that two hour period. It seems safe to say that becoming a demon is what saved his life since it rebuilt his flesh and supercharged life back into him, but since he wasn’t a demon long enough to have fully integrated those new cells, the entirely reconstructed parts of him (his left arm and right eye) are essentially lifeless. However, there may still be some amount of reclaiming that his body did during his demon minutes, for the whole right side of his face should be paralyzed (yet he can still use it expressively), and there was probably internal damage throughout his entire body and other various injuries (like stabbing himself) which were repaired enough for him to survive. Had he been a demon longer (long enough that his body with Muzan’s memories likely would had broken down the medicine Kanao gave him), my guess is that he would had fully integrated these body parts, like how Nezuko gets to keep her legs despite all the times they were blown or chopped off.

But we also know that Tanjiro had to take a few months to recover (his visitors looked like they waited the whole three months before getting permission to see him), and that his condition allows him to live and work, but he generally is in a weakened state. Again, rather than only having borrowed (on multiple occasions) against his own lifespan, we don't know the extent of the damage and repair he's undergone.

While he’s got 25 as a historical benchmark to anticipate, and as you mention, he does seem to fully anticipate that early demise, his case is so unique that it could go in any direction. Tanjiro might live longer than 25, as this would give him time to pass on Hinokami Kagura to at least his eldest son, but like Tanjuro, he’d probably have a pretty weak constitution for the rest of his dwindling life. But also worth noting, the phrase is that they die by at least age 25. That means some of the Warring States era swordsmen probably died before that age. (｡•́︿•̀｡) I don't feel this is likely for Tanjiro, Giyuu, and Sanemi, but it is worth noting as a possibility.

[cienie-isengardu]

axelzp replied to “The Bad Batch”:

I think most people take issue with Omega and TBB due to concerns over whitewashing. Also, what do you have against the explanation of the biochips? Personally, I always thought it fit Palpatine's controlling nature better than the idea of clones just getting a command from some random guy in a hood, telling them to kill the Jedi.

First off, I apologize it took me so long to answer. I tried to explain my reasoning in a short and coherent way as possible, but apparently the years of frustration about this issue needed more space to be properly addressed. So, in advance, sorry for text length.

From all TCW changes done to star wars, the chip-in-brain is one of my top 3 reasons to dislike the whole TV show, despite many of its good moments. I understand why authors chose this sub-plot that allows them to separate the visibly individual "good" clones (thus making them more likeable for the audience / marketing) from the “bad” that kill the Jedi but frankly, I find it a cheap and kinda problematic excuse. Clones were victims regardless of which version people will accept but I really despite the idea that Jedi were their beloved generals and commanders - so beloved that clones actually had nightmares about killing them waaay before Palpatine ultimately won which undermines the whole point of Order 66. 

Jedi could never expect clones to shoot them in the back because they were used to their unquestioned obedience from the start of war. It was common knowledge, repeatedly mentioned in sources like “Jedi Trial” that clones were “bred to war, bred to discipline, bred to obey without question the orders of the powers that paid for their services”. Clones were made that way by genetic manipulations and years of intensive training; an indoctrination that makes clone troopers believe they have obey, no matter what cost.

Some sources, like Clone Wars Adventures’ “Orders” outright show us the mindset of clones:

and We’ve got nothing but each other ad our orders.

Because of that worldbuilding, I prefer Legends take on clone obedience and the Jedi approach to the problem than what TCW created. I talked about it more here, but the general sense is that I feel cheated by the idea of chips that turn people into some “programmed” machines because in such way, TCW erased the Jedi & Republic part in abuse & enslavement of clone troopers, while at the same time giving an unrealistic idea that Jedi were so liked / respected when most of clones did not have any special bond with them. And this is less about if Jedi were good military leaders or not and more that as generals/commanders they didn’t interact that much with common troopers. Because the chain of command doesn’t work like that. I’m willing to buy the close(r) bond between Anakin & 501st because frankly Darth Vader himself from the start was built as someone with better relationships with common troopers / “normal” officers than with most of the high ranking officers presented on screen. I’m pretty sure some other Jedi were caring and liking clones (and vice versa) but it is impossible for generals to know and be so close to all of their troopers.

Above everything else, Legends created an interesting situation in which the Jedi Council / Order knew clones would follow orders no matter if those were right or not and were aware how dangerous it could be yet they still didn’t do anything about it, because the obedience of clones were beneficial for them. Jedi not only took for granted their obedience, they mistook it for respect.

Which really speaks a lot about Jedi's own moral failing and/or lack of understanding the difference between those two terms.

In the Legends sources, there was no need for chips, really, when from the start Kaminoans tinkered with clone genome, created the effective system of “proper” education to mold clones into obedient soldiers and Republic wasn’t really interested to undo the damage done by such indoctrination. 

Before TCW brought the chips and “nightmares haunting clones” there were officially established Contingency Orders for the Grand Army of the Republic: Order Initiation, Orders 1 Through 150. A guideline for unexpected and/or critical situations, so the Great Army of Republic [GAR] would know how to proceed - especially when troopers were given contradictory orders. The orders (also known as Clone Protocols) weren’t secret and there is a big chance that Jedi knew it, if someone bothered to learn the manual. The whole formula of Order 66 was described as:

"In the event of Jedi officers acting against the interests of the Republic, and after receiving specific orders verified as coming directly from the Supreme Commander (Chancellor), GAR commanders will remove those officers by lethal force, and command of the GAR will revert to the Supreme Commander (Chancellor) until a new command structure is established."

And here how the scene played in the RotS novelisation:

That concealed compartment held a secure comlink, which was frequency-locked to a channel reserved for the commander in chief.

Kenobi nodded and spoke to his mount, and the great beast overleapt the clone commander on its way down into the battle.

Cody withdrew the comlink from his armor and triggered it.

A holoscan appeared on the palm of his gauntlet: a hooded man.

"It is time," the holoscan said. "Execute Order Sixty-Six."

Cody responded as he had been trained since before he'd even awakened in his creche-school. "It will be done, my lord."

The holoscan vanished. Cody stuck the comlink back into its concealed recess and frowned down toward where Kenobi rode his dragonmount into selflessly heroic battle.

Cody was a clone. He would execute the order faithfully, without hesitation or regret. But he was also human enough to mutter glumly, "Would it have been too much to ask for the order to have come through before I gave him back the bloody lightsaber. . . ?"

The order is given once. Its wave-front spreads to clone commanders on Kashyyyk and Felucia, Mygeeto and Tellanroaeg and every battlefront, every military installation, every hospital and rehab center and spaceport cantina in the galaxy.

So there is really no “random hooded guy” calling clones to kill Jedi but Chancellor himself using an appropriately secured military channel with confirmation of his identity to issue a legal order in a critical situation (an opportunity created by the Jedi Council themselves who went into the Senate building to kill Palpatine). So why the clones shouldn’t listen, when the order came directly from the Supreme Commander of the Great Army of the Republic? 

Of course, the movie (and novel based on it) alone has this weird addition like “yes my Lord'', what I personally consider as the cinematic way to show the switch from Chancellor Palpatine to Emperor Darth Sidious. Still, I’m willing to give some benefit of doubt about the modification made by Kaminoans and if Order 66 could trigger anything hidden in clone subconscious. But even if there was something, it didn’t erase their personalities or changed the way clones behaved like it happened in The Clone Wars and The Bad Batch.

One way or another, the Order 66 worked out because clones “have no malice, no hatred, not the slightest ill intent that might give warning. They are only following orders”. Which I guess comes down to how clone troopers were presented - or maybe rather how they were seen by other characters in the Legends. As more detached, combat pragmatic, toned down, to some degree isolated from the outside world, less individual. Regardless of what Jedi or Republic citizens thought about clones, it did not make them any less human beings.

And here comes the paradox of The Clone Wars. The TV show made great effort to humanize clones by presenting them as very individual, outstanding people which in itself is a great thing. The names, the tattos, the different paintings of armours, visible variety of behaviour. All great to make the audience see clones as human beings, to get emotionally invested into them, because the more likeable clones were the better for marketing the story (and the cynical part of me thinks it really comes down to making money, isn’t it?)

But this effort became also the trap and the inhibitor chips is the excuse to make such loved, caring and brave characters into the detached clones gunning down the Jedi in Revenge of the Sith. 

The things that irks me a lot about this situation is the feeling like fans started care for clones because they were made into different type of characters than what they were (similar like Anakin’s movie characterization was thrown out of the window, to make him more suitable for fans who wanted the badass typical male hero instead of introverted, conflicted and traumatized young man). The clones get the visible individuality to make them the heroes we should root for, but then there is the “magical” switch that will cut down their heroic deeds because now they are “bad” and stormtroopers can’t have any personality. Which is just… frustrating. 

Don’t get me wrong, I adore how clone troopers get more visible individuality (even if sometimes if felt too exaggerated), but the “not standing out from the group”  was something that kept clones alive on Kamino and I can see why it was used as coping mechanism (the safe option) during the war. I regret that The Clone Wars didn’t show the transition from AotC nameless troopers into such individuals and how much it happened thanks to Jedi, what may help to build the feeling of supposed strong bond between Jedi and troopers. Because frankly, when we met TCW!clones, they already have names, different colors and marks on armor plates and helmets and for all we know, they could create their own “culture” without Jedi influence.

The final part of why I hate the chip-in-brain sub-plot is how it changed clones. Because even if that was a means to force clones into killing Jedi & ensure that Order 66 will be carried on no matter what, it shouldn’t change them into bullies toward their own brothers. But now in The Bad Batch, the clones don’t speak between themselves, are aggressive toward others and generally act like assholes for no real reason. And yeah, I get this may be a cinematic metaphor for a change from “good” republic soldiers into “bad” imperial stormtroopers and most likely something along the way “Republic/Jedi gave you individuality, Empire takes that away” but frankly, Republic did not give anything to clones. It did not acknowledge their human right, didn’t have any plan for their future, didn’t pay for their service or more expensive medical treatment for that matter, did not teach them they could - should - make their own choices.

Now clones are cheering for the Empire because inhibitor chips! They are assholes, because inhibitor chips! They shoot their *beloved* Jedi generals because of the chips! 

And in a way, I get this resolution, the chips make it clear clones were victims. But even without them, they were victims from the start. Except now clones are “programmed” while in Legends the senate (a power paying for their life) officially and legally renamed Republic into Empire and clones were glad for still having a purpose in life. The war ended (thus their usefulness), but they were still needed - still wanted - instead of being put down or closed at Kamino or whatever. I can see why the uncertainty of the future made clones cheering up for the Empire. And frankly, I personally prefer them not caring for the political change (because why should they? It never was their job to *judge* the rightness of their superiors) instead of being “programmed” like some droids and playing the role of fodder to kill for the “good guys”.

Dunno, if I explained properly my issue with inhibitor chips, it just feels to me as not really convincing and a too risky concept in the bigger picture of the things and the fact that Jedi just like that ignored this suspicion matter of Tup and Fives and biochips doesn’t help either. Like I said, I understand why the chips were introduced to the story, as the excuse in the change of clone troopers’ behaviour but at the end of day, Legends worldbuilding will always make more sense to me. I don’t need overly done differentiation of clones to care for them as an individual human beings (and it kinda seems to me like that, clones suddenly became fan favorite when every looks or act differently but not when the AotC literally presented them as an army created to blindly obey Jedi/Republic) and I don’t blame them for sticking with Empire because what better option they had, considering their upbringing and the pathological system in which they lived all their life?

Dunno, I’m biased and may just have allergy to TCW in general.

As for Omega, I’m not really surprised about this concern, especially after seeing TBB’s version of padawan Kanan (that if not for A) some basic knowledge about his backstory and B) Depa Billaba calling him by name, I would probably never have figured out who he was supposed to be). But for Omega alone, I don’t mind her look, because I’m used to Legends!Jango’s biological family in which his mother and sister were both blond haired women and frankly, some “defective” clones (including Rex?) apparently could be blond too, so it seems like Jango’s genome has a recessive gene somewhere for that color of hair. I try to hold my judgment about Omega and her appearance until the full backstory will be revealed because there is still a chance that Fett’s DNA was mixed with someone else's (still I hope Omega is not force sensitive…). I mean, Hunter has heightened senses while Wrecker has almost supernatural strength and both traits seem to be not really human, so who knows what Kaminoans really did with them.

 I understand people’s emotional response to Disney’s approach to characters and their visual look, especially since it isn’t the first screw up in New Canon (the models for characters in general and New Mandalorians especially). I’m totally okay with people’s criticism of that matter and demanding from Disney more diversity and respecting the already established ethnicity of certain groups. I’m aware I may not be sensitive enough to that matter as some other people (even more with barely watching TV shows to have any current and up-to-date comparison to trends in cartoons) and I’m pretty sure more qualified / invested fans already wrote or will be writing soon great metas about that. But the thing that irks me is hearing people saying that Omega *can’t* be Jango’s clone - I don’t like this sort of exclusion based on someone’s look alone. She may not look like Fett or other (male) clones but it is not something Omega chose for herself and does not erase her connection to the rest of the Bad Batch. Being angry at Disney/creators for her look is a different matter I don’t have any problem with.

[prettywarriors]

Ok ill bite whats the worst mg series

alright, whats the worst magical girl series in your opinion?

Thanks you two for letting me do some yelling. The obvious guess would likely be one of the recent edgelord shows right? Magical Girl Site or something similar? But nay I say, for while MGS and Day Break Illusion and such and what not generally tell you what to expect right away. Don't like super violence and suffering? Watch something else is the clear message from the get go. One of the bait and switch series then like Madoka or maybe Yuki Yuna? For what faults they may or may not have, at least these series do something and are interesting, even if you're not huge on what goes down in the series. A parody then? They range from affectionate to banned in New Zealand but regardless of quality and their feelings for MGs, it's a parody. It's a joke and shouldn't be taken seriously (plus they're usually short so you can just forget about them forever).

So what makes a series terrible then, I am sure you are asking. IMO? Setting expectations for an interesting and enjoyable series, and then dashing them to hell.

Come with me below the cut, as I talk about Key Princess Story: Kagihime Eternal Alice Rondo!

Spoilers abound so if you care about those for a 15 year old series, click away.

Background: Kagihime was a 4 volume manga that ran from 2004-2006 that was picked up for a 13 episode anime adaptation near the end of its run. The manga is created by a pair (Kaishaku) who you may know for making Magical Nyan Nyan Taruto. Kannazuki no Miko, and Steel Angel Kurumi, and the anime had a script written by the same writer (Mamiko Ikeda) for Tenshi Ni Narumon who also did some script writing for Princess Tutu and Seven of Seven. The anime also had 6 character music videos which are fairly simple but a nice addition to the series for the main girls. Discotek has been publishing the anime in the states in recent years, and the manga was brought over by *squints at book spine* Dr Master Publications.

The Premise: Girls transform and enter weird outside of reality spaces to fight each other with giant keys to take each other’s stories to create a third Alice In Wonderland story.

Well, an off-brand Alice story written by Alternate L. Takion, rather than Lewis Carroll/Charles Dodgson, that while the series uses all the aesthetic hallmarks of the tradition Alice, the little we see of the in universe Alice story is clearly different. Which is fine, at the end of the day, it’s still about someone who loves the Alice stories and wishes there was more, and even makes his own fanfiction version. His? Oh yeah, while the girls do all the fighting, the main character is Aruto, a teen boy who loves Alice, and for reasons we don’t know till late game, can enter the liminal spaces that the ‘Alice Users’ fight in. He chases a girl who looks like the Alice he sees in his story, who is named Arisu, and gets roped into this fanfic battle royale. He is also the older brother of the very needy Kirihara, who also ends up being and Alice User. As does Kirihara’s bff Kisa. To round out the group of enemies-turned-friends-who-will-work-together-to-collect-the-Eternal-Alice-without-having-to-fight-eachother group is a young genius researcher Kirika who wants to know more about Aruto’s connection that allows him to enter the spaces where the girls fight.

Then there’s all the other girls, some of whom still have real importance to the story and some who have a few panels or 2 scenes total. But with a whole bunch of girls to design, the creators reached out to a whole lot of other people to have them create designs! Eventually the battle gets down to the last few girls, there’s a confrontation with the guy running the whole thing, and while the anime and manga vary quite a bit the whole time, in both version Aruto ends up with Kirihara. Oh and Arisu was created by Aruto’s super imagination powers.  

The Promise: Here on is subjective, particularly with what I personally saw as potential from this series. because I need you to understand how much I want to like this series. 

~Alice in Wonderland themed: I know some people aren’t alice fans and that’s fine you do you but as a big alice fan this is great. We have a few alice episodes and themed characters amongst series like CCS and MGRP, and even Alice themes in other series like Tweeny Witches and Alice 19th. But damn it I am down for Alice series.

~Giant Keyyyyyyyys: Yeah yeah Kingdom Hearts but these keys are much more staff like for a lot of the characters which ads and air of elegance rather than the KH ones that for me at least feel well designed for big ol props rather than actual weapons. We also get...

~Weapon variety: It counts as a key if it’s a thorn whip that can be shaped like a key right? How about a giant pocket knife? Crossbows can also be keys. Hush. And we have this variety because

~Guest Artists: For magical girl series where we have a variety of outfits designed by different people, we have Kagihime, Uta~Kata, and uhh I guess Magia Record? But that’s a mobile game with a hella number of characters and with how mobile game works I wouldn’t count it just because it’s less the intent of the series to have variety and more the nature of having lots of girls. (Precure doesn’t count because unless I missed a memo each season’s set is still by one designer). If a series isn’t about a team and therefore doesn’t need cohesion, bringing in other artists is a great way for variety and new looks. 

~The long term goal: Fighting with other people who love the same piece of media you do in hopes of creating new material that will be viewed as official? That’s just fandom nowadays. But it’s a legitimate interesting concept, and opens up so many doors for a message for the series, be it ‘what you create is no less valuable than the canon work’ or ‘it’s hard to let go when something you love doesn’t have more to it but you can still love it for what it is’ or ‘bond with the people who like the thing you like ya idiot instead of fighting about it’. The concept is interesting and there are so many narrative ways you can take this.

~Gays: Between the anime and manga, we have at least 5 wlw. Is it a magical girl series without some gays? (side note- the manga had a short thing where the MC wears a girl’s uniform and is pretty comfortable in it and while there is no way this was the intent, between that and the emphasis on the stories that live in girls and how the fight zones have no men, I’m just saying, Trans girl Aruto.)

~Greater Fairy Tale Premise: We meet a Little Match Girl based MG who is obsessed with Andersen rather than the Alice books, and touch on a Sleeping Beauty character in the manga. The manga at least implies that classic stories and fairy tale authors uh. Live on in a liminal space as immortals with world warping powers within that world and there could be opportunities for other girls in the real world to fight for Little Mermaid 2: Electric Boogaloo.

The Good: Everything has positive points, no matter how bad it is.

~Character Designs: Some of those looks slap. As do most of their weapons. 

~Backgrounds: I have a strong opinion on backgrounds in anime that can be easily boiled down to old watercolor backgrounds good, modern filtered photos as background bad, and as a 2006 series, this might not be Memole nice but they’re quite attractive. 

~Splash Pages: Easily my favorite thing after the designs, each chapter’s title page for the manga just has a character standing in a setting. Which is not everyone’s thing I’m sure but it’s a nice simplistic way to let the characters breathe imo. Even if at least some of the settings were deffo traced. But that’s how backgrounds work to some extent? If I ever get to the Met again, I am tracking down this exact photo, but here is a likely candidate for an example.

~Different Versions: I do not understand the need to make an adaptation that tries to be a 1:1. Kagihime had the same ideas and characters and did some of the same beats but very much had a different finale story and a lot of changes in the middle (like the Alice cops in the manga). Again, not something everyone probably wants I’m sure, but I very appreciate this, especially since the Anime kept good pace with the number of Manga chapters (reading the manga again while watching the anime at 3.8x speed just now was very interesting to see the different interpretations of events in a different medium.)

The ‘Fine’: Yeah.

~Anime Visuals: Look 2006 was still early enough into digipaint that I will give it a total pass on these. The colors are too bright but in a very bland way, the lineart is nothing interesting, and the faces are. Iffy. But it’s not total garbage to look at (probably helped by backgrounds and character designs...) it just came out in an era where not enough people knew how to stylize things to account for the weakness of the tools of the time. (It was 4 years earlier but I feel Kagihime is the polar opposite of Chobits with its painfully bland color palette while still being just. Flat. Sorry for the drive by Chii.) 

~Music?: There sure were songs. Obviously, they are nothing to me.

The Bad: CW for.... somehow all the big things to an extent. 

~Fanservice: Look, I am fine with fanservice, especially for a series that’s, ya know, not targeted at kids, big Mai Hime fan here even if I would recommend skipping the panty thief episode. And honestly the series generally isn’t fanservicey, at least by the modern standards of having the camera choosing under the skirt rather than an over the shoulder shot like I’ve seen plenty in other shows. Even the sexier outfits like the rose whip dominatrix aren’t bad BUT. When the girls fight. One takes her phallic key and drives it into another girls chest between the boobs while the loser cries in pain and then her book comes out and when the victor rips out pages, the loser’s clothes also rip. It is very SuperS Amazon Trio assault metaphor-y. There’s also a bit of fanservice with the sister becauseeeee....

~Incest: If you read the premise up there, first wow good job because I’m sure not re-reading that, you might have noticed I said MC ends up with his sister. As someone who is a big mythology fan and watches plenty of anime, I have a decent tolerance for your obligatory ‘oh we’re siblings but actually cousins so our feelings are okay’ or whatever the fuck Citrus has going on I don’t know that series and I don’t vibe BUT. I have limits and boy did this series go beyond that because multiple episodes are dedicated to the sister being in love with the brother? And the brother returns her feelings but knows that they are wrong so he put everything he likes in his sister into his version of Alice who, of course, physically manifests as Arisu who he creates accidentally with his uh. Magic imagination powers. But again in both versions MC still ends up with his sister. Hey, at least the manga eventually said the boy was adopted when the sister was like, 3, so if nothing else no blood relations? The anime did not ad this. -_-

~Under Utilized Characters: Arisu’s gradual revelation that she has no childhood memories because she isn’t a real person is so interesting and they don’t do nothing with it but also? That’s the kind of thing I personally would love to dig into and Kagihime, while touching on this world shattering revelation, easily loops back to So Anyway She Should Fight For The Man and to hell with developing a life or personality outside of what has been written for her. The rest of the main 5 were 2 note characters which. Could be worse? The most interesting character ends up being the child genius who accidentally murdered her childhood bestie (and/or lover? depending on version) and her coming to terms with that (the friend is alive but the version changes how and why she thinks she’s dead). Then the villain has the motivation of ‘i lost my creativity and now have become an immortal living outside of normal space and am getting girls to fight each other because that’s like a story so I’m still relevant right?’. But shoutout to the anime for then taking death of the author literally. The numerous other girls are canon fodder outside of like. The manga version of the dead gf and the little match girl.

~Battle Royale: This is not a thing I have an issue with generally. Again, but Mai Hime fan, I need to read MGRP 11, BUT by not developing the non-main girls there is no emotional connection which makes them just canon fodder and that’s boring as sin for a royale system. The initial main character fights revolve so much around the MC guy being there that they fall flat, and the 2 or 3 final battles in both versions still feel without any stakes. Also for a royale thing most of the characters don’t actually die, which cool! Neat! Except when they do? Some nobodies and a somebody are murdered (at least in the manga) and the tone never feels like it’s supposed to be upping the stakes, it’s just. Some people are dead now. And do you want to guess which of the main characters died?

~Gays: Oh boy the best friend of the brother-complex sister is in love with her and (in the manga) dies. She does apparently get better for the last chapter but the death itself is only felt by the rest of the cast for a page or two before we go back to feeling sad big brother wants to kiss his mentally generated sister clone rather than his actual sister u_u. Bury your gays is nothing new, but I wonder if it was also intended to be justified because Guess Who Is Creepy and a bit Perverted? Oh look the lesbian keeps the used swimsuit of her beloved and manipulates events to get an indirect kiss and when she sees the sister trying to strange Arisu for a moment she decides to do it for the sister? It’s not good. You want bad gay rep in a magical girl series, well here ya go. We also had a nobody in the first(second?) episode whose story pages reveal her having a kiss with a girl, and then we also have the prodigy again and- in the manga- her. Uh. childhood lover who she thought she killed but the girl has been wiping her mind over and over so prodigy remembers ‘killing’ the friend and not the she’s alive so she can keep? fucking with her? Toxic!

~Sexual Content: But wait you say, you already covered fanservice! Ah but that is sexual content for titilation. This is sexual content for dramatic backstory! The red riding hood character was sexually assaulted, another character was manipulated into sex first as a teen and then more often to ‘get into the publishing industry’, and the same writer forces some aggressive kisses on the MC. None of it is gratuitous which is nice, but also, was it necessary? Not making a new point for this but read riding hood’s dog was also murdered so unnecessary animal death gets tossed on in there. 

~Male Lead: You can have a male, non magical character as the main character surrounded by magical girls. This is not how to do it. If I can make a vicious and hopefully not understood reference, Aruto is basically Tate from the Mai Hime Manga. If you understood that, I am so sorry. If you didn’t, congrats! Don’t read the manga. Or do and send me asks about the iconic final page of the first volume (18+). Anyway, this dude is boring, everything revolves around him, BUT I’ll be generous and say at least this isn’t a harem series? It looks like it out of context but it’s just a triangle with a fun attached scientist and token lesbian.

~Premise: They didn’t make good use of it. The initial goals of ‘take other girls pages from their soul books because if we get enough we unlock a third alice book’ is good! And then we add the twist that that was never going to happen and either if we get all the pages we can grant a wish, or these fights are just happening for the amusement of and asshole. Either way, yeah okay I guess. But at no point do we ever achieve this forbidden wish granting book and the asshole just. Lives. Nothing happens to him. His peers don’t even dunk on him. The only real changes from the beginning and the end of the series are: the siblings are now chill with dating, and the scientist lady won’t turn into a child in magical spaces. Oh. Yeah.

~Why did we make this adult a child sometimes?: I think we know why. Stop trying to get those types of folks to watch your already meh series. I also could have sworn at points in the past looking up images for this series I’ve seen extra art for Yuuri the Thumbelina-y Alice User that seemed like it would fit alongside anything by POP. You know, the Moetan guy. If you don’t know, god I wish that were me. 

Wrap Up: I have definitely forgotten some points and am well within my rights to ad to this whenever I remember more points but uh. Yeah.  

Listen you want an alice themed battle royale with nice outfits? Rozen maiden is right there. Battle Royale magical girl series that’s good with fanservice? Mai Hime. Series with different outfits while being based on a classic story? Pretear.

Hope anyone who read all of this at least got what I was saying, even if they don’t agree with it. And thanks for reading because whoops. 

[mayabishopapologist]

station 19 - season 4, etc

this is long but i want to put down my thoughts before thursday comes and i guess i have A Lot To Say.

honestly didn’t pay much attention to this show until halfway through season two—  always liked maya and was glad that they gave her more to do. going into season 3, i was excited for more character development &stronger storylines. however, by the end of  301 the dip in quality was glaringly obvious. a quick google search revealed that there was a new showrunner and, well, it showed. 

while the show had been going in a really good direction with balancing the screen time between andy and the other regulars, this season, the plot was all over the place. it was uber dramatic and just. so much happened just to happen? seemed like every other episode had a major event(deaths alone; ryan,rigo,pruitt?!!?). they were so frequent, it was hard to process. it was also hard to get invested as the characters themselves moved on(or were shown to have moved on, extremely quickly!) 

i enjoy the show for what it is and i have no delusions about broadcast tv shows (or shondaland productions, for that matter)but the suspension of disbelief.... i mean: a stabbing, a robbery, a shooting and a car crash? all in one episode? please! lmaooooo. drama for dramas sake is always boring and weakens the story.  

& as for the characters... .

everyone felt like a hollow version of themselves this season and it was hard to watch sometimes, actually. characters switched motivations /personalities for the sake of the current episode and i know this show is very ‘monster/emergency of the week’ but. some consistency! please! like—

maya: she’s always been determined and focused but they went so far with it this season, it was almost cartoonish. her competitiveness was hinted at in season 2 but she was always portrayed as self aware. ‘the beast,’ as she dubbed it to andy, was something she knew of and tried to contain, because she knew it could get out of hand. 

yet, in season 3 she suddenly forgets this and just. becomes the most power hungry/singularly focused person, ever. she goes after the captain position behind andy’s back, (citing andy’s emotional state, because of the death of her best friend as a reason she shouldn’t get the job?? huh. since when is maya this purely callous??!) she just doesn’t give af, suddenly, about andy at all, and goes for a job that she is hardly qualified for(she was lieutenant for like, a few months?)

and then after she gets the position, she just. loses all sense of reality? literally she was so unhinged(fun to watch but so much) and it was like. um?? maya has never been the uptight one (they've mentioned and depicted andy as being the one like this, multiple times!) and we know she knows how to have fun, so, for her to all of a sudden just. not know how to read the room? yeah okay. to make her so intense and severe, especially w the drills and training was, a choice. a bad one, on the writers part. like, i get that they needed her start as captain to be dramatic or whatever,  but there were ways to do that. and even the animosity with the team and her went so far, i just think that whole storyline was amazingly lazy, honestly.  

and the friendships!! andy and maya’s friendship is just, a mess. at this point they've spent more time at odds, and the idea that they're supposed to be best friends with this super close bond? yeah, i just... i dont buy it tbh. if they'd spent more time building up their connections and making us understand why they would be friends and showing them being there for each other past a few scattered scenes her and there? maybe. but so far, that hasn't been the case.  making that bond real, solidifying that friendship, would have made this conflict have more of an emotional impact. but doing it now? making maya ‘turn’ on andy, this soon and this drastically just. it made her seem like she was extremely jealous and had been waiting to pull the rug out from under andy all along. and also, why would they stay friends when, so far, maya has showed, time and time again, that she’s willing to let her wants/ambitions leech on her loyalty to andy? (jack thing, job thing, etc). although, it’s not like andy’s a good friend to maya either, she’s selfish and seems to like it when maya is in her corner but isnt always there for her. they went so far with the idea that maya was this coldly calculating asshole that she was almost a villain?? it was so silly to me.

and the traumatic home life plot they gave to maya was clearly their attempt at some adding nuance to her character and trying to explain why she would act the way she did, but to me? it fell flat. it was rushed, and they went from zero to 100(why did her mother come to talk about her divorce/abuse at maya’s job? like she was literally working? idgi. no boundaries lmaoo) 

and i actually relate and sympathize w maya a lot. and while i liked that they were exploring the many ways abuse can present itself, it was very... hm, ham-fisted. just super rushed and then wrapped up so quickly. they have, i think, written themselves into this dark place i fear they have no intention of exploring. 

and while i understand it, i hated how far they let maya go, especially because i don't feel they’ll adequately address it. they move on so quickly( maya was deaf for like half a season and then. she just. wasn't) and i hate the idea of her just being ‘fixed’. a relationship and an apology doesn't undo years of abuse, idc. also will they ever address maya’s um, thoughts about death??? because that was super heavy and not just something someone gets over? going to need for her to get actual professional help. that isn’t her girlfriend, like. asap. 

speaking of carina, i do like her and maya together a lot. big part of why i watch, ngl. but i need their relationship to be a lot more reciprocal. like, lets dial it back on the codependency, maybe. carina cant (and shouldn't have to) hold her up so much ! that’s not love. also maya needs to start being a good girlfriend. they started off that way, i know they can get back there. but like, we hardly got to see them settle into it, we got those cute 30sec clips of sweetness then maya was lashing out and cheating and it was like. wait a minute! what??? 

for s4, i want to see them working at reconciling—im talking, groveling, awkward in-between moments where carina isnt sure she can trust her. okay, tough conversations, hell, even jealousy because let's be real. maya working with jack is a lot for carina to just. take? i know i absolutely would not be happy about that, but i also wouldnt take maya back so... anyway! brushing over that would not just be a missed storytelling opportunity, but it would also be super unfair to carina and do a huge disservice to their relationship as a whole. as cute as they are, having cute moments with no real depth would get very old, very quickly.

carina: what can i say but-perfect, amazing, fantastic, WOW

seriously, carina is almost unrealistically perfect. she takes a lot and has been through the most (can they be nice 2 her this season? like just for fun) going forward, im going to need her to be more than a plot device to calm and soothe maya. i get that she was introduced as a love interest, but in season 4(as a season!!regular!!) that cant be all she is.

speaking of, it was really weird to me that she was promoted to station 19 and not greys because... what is a gynecologist going to do at a fire station? the general consensus seems to be that she’ll join warren’s PRT but like. she’s not a general surgeon so that’s a reach but, i want her around so ill buy it. i just want better and more for her tbh. not just screen-time, but also character development and depth! also friends! tired of carina being isolated, they did it on greys which. a waste! i meaaan, amelia was RIGHT. THERE. just look at the material! for s19, i want her, vic and travis to be friends or even just her and vic, like yesplease! i also want to know more about her and im tired of her being treated badly. like, i think society had progressed past carina being shitted on, thanks!

vic: my fave!!! they did so lazy by her this season ugh. she’s so charismatic and charming and just so good!! yet, her storyline was all over the place. we hardly got to see her sit with her grief  (spontaneous crying aside; barrett doss is so good!) she was just kind of... around. and that relationship w jackson. lol. it was so obviously for crossover potential and well. i didnt hate it or like it. actually, i was mostly indifferent. bored, even when they were onscreen together. i just didn't care and wanted more of vic, not vic and whoever. i know they're up in the air rn but i wouldn’t be torn up if he doesn’t come back. 

i want more for vic past just romantic entanglements. i know we’ve gotten a bit of her past, but i would like to see more! also, what about employment accomplishments? her artsy theatre friends? her family? just. more vic, please!!

she’s so fun and cool and when they let her, she shines. they need to let her! 

jack: my boy! so dumb, but i love him sm. he def needs like. major help, though lmao. and maybe it’s just me but im tired of his sex addict plot. like, we get it, but can we move on now? kthanks. they need to let him work on himself especially, the constant self sabotage. it's getting old. for ALL of them, actually, seriously, how many times can they all get in their own way.

andy: don’t really think about her. the mom storyline seems like it would be wonderfully dramatic, im intrigued. she and sullivan are cute, i guess. hope they make it.

ben: no major issues w his storyline, hardly remember it honestly. i liked the rapport he was building w vic and want them to explore that relationship more, its cute. 

travis: so funny and adorable, let him do more.

dean: loved him in all his entitled first born African son glory. i didnt so much love the baby plot but that always bores me. his sudden love for vic though. lol. since when? it def, came out of no where and while i really enjoy their friendship, to me, there is zero romantic chemistry there so i would prefer it if they just. stopped. lmao. also. the way he treated her because he could get a handle on his emotions? ridiculous. has humanity not like, gotten past the ‘he’s mean bc he likes you’ thing?? like grow up maybe?

and this isnt just about dean but like. are there not more single young people in seattle? why do they all have to sleep with the same 5 people. ik for the sake of plot, workplace relationships are easier but still. i think they should branch out. really. 

overall, i want better for all of them, and i think if the writers would just. take a moment and stop trying to tell so many stories in such little time, they could do better! also, whoever’s out there. please, enough w the crossovers! dont want to be forced to watch greys just to know what’s happening on 19. i get that they're in the same universe. it’s only mentioned every other episode. we. get, it. i liked what they did with private practice, it was like once every few seasons. and i know they won’t do that, but maybe, two a season. 

this is so much. but this how does have a ton of potential and i just really want it . like, get there.

[advisortotheadvisor]

Matters of Lupine Nomenclature

The name Tobias Clay still felt heavy and uneven on his tongue, but that didn't make it any less his. Or, at least, something that used to be his.

(Or, Canis ponders names, and all the baggage that comes with them)

(Ao3 link)

--

Tobias Clay

The name still felt uncomfortable and foreign on his tongue no matter how many times he silently repeated it to himself, turning the syllables over and over like that would make it take on a more recognizable shape. It wasn't familiar, but it was his, supposedly. It was his in the way that Tobias Clay's life was supposedly his. He'd been told it was his, and he had no reason to believe otherwise, but it wasn't something that felt like his, something he remembered being his.

“So which is it?” Charming had asked the day after they fled into the woods. Their group had already started their preliminary plans for a war camp but most retired to bed once the sun set, with the exception of himself, Charming, and Snow White and a few Merry Men keeping a look out for the Scarlet Hand. He was used to late nights and wanted to take the opportunity to meditate, but he couldn't fathom why Charming was still awake.

“What are you talking about?” he growled without opening his eyes. He'd agreed to a truce because preparing for the upcoming war was more important than a petty grudge, but it was easier to keep said truce if the other man didn't speak to him, walk next to him, or generally exist within his line of sight more than strictly necessary.

“Your name, mon-" Charming cut himself off, apparently struggling with their recent alliance as well. “I heard from the short child with the braids that it used to be Tobias Clay. So which is it, Clay or Canis?”

“I don't know.”

(It reminded him of all those years ago, when that was the only answer he could give.

Where did you come from? I don't know.

What's your name? I don't know.

Who are you? I don't know.)

“Helpful,” Charming sneered. “If you want my advice–"

“I don't.”

“–I'd switch to Tobias. Canis is a little too on the nose.” With that, the other man sauntered off. Good riddance.

He didn't think about that conversation much (particularly because the day he took advice from William Charming on anything besides war plans was the day he died) but he did think about Tobias Clay.

Tobias Clay had been a human woodcutter with a questionable choice in apprentices. That was all he knew. It was all anyone knew.

Now, after being abruptly thrown into a town where nearly everyone hated him and he didn't know why, he was used to working with minimal information. But at least then there had been something to work backwards from, people to gather information from. The only person who could tell him about he had been before the Wolf was Howard Hatchett. Howard Hatchett, who had manipulated a mentally ill, traumatized child. Howard Hatchett, who had rewritten history just to inflate his own ego. He wasn't going to ask that man for anything and even if he did, Hatchett wasn't exactly a reliable source of information.

So, as he did with most issues, he turned to meditation.

(Relda said meditation couldn't solve every problem, and he agreed; occasionally you needed to apply brute force. But he couldn't physically fight his lack of memories any more than he had been able to physically fight the Wolf.)

But the magic from the horn of the north wind had been shaky at best (he knew a rushed spell when he saw one) so the memories of Tobias and the memories of the Wolf tended to blend together. Blurred faces, snatches of conversation, a landscape he could vaguely recall, a splatter of red, blood under his claws as they tore into sinew, fangs ripping into flesh and muscle–

It isn't real he reminded himself. But he had to check. He always had to check. He slowly opened his eyes – normal dull human teeth, normal dull human fingernails. No sign of the Wolf, because it was trapped in the jar in his bag. It was actually rather ironic – something that had tormented him for years contained by something as fragile as glass. He had never cared for irony.

The memory of fur and blood still clung to him relentlessly, despite his attempts to bury the sensation. His meditation sessions tended to end like this lately, with the Wolf hanging over him like a ghost, infecting his thoughts even though they were finally separated once and for all.

He stood up, his joints aching with protest- that, too, had been happening more often as of late. The floorboards creaked beneath him- his cabin, as well as the rest of the camp, had been built rather hastily by the Merry Men with the help of magic. And while they had done that, he'd been here. Meditating. Waiting. Being useless.

His eyes lingered on the singular bag he'd taken with him and somehow, in an action driven more by instinct than logic, the jar containing the Wolf found its way into his hands.

The power of the Wolf thrummed under his fingertips like lightning. It swirled and snapped, always moving, always fighting. He knew that feeling well. Up until him and the Wolf had been separated, he hadn't realized how much of his time he had dedicated to battling the Wolf. To protecting everyone from himself. And now he felt…restless without something to fight.

His fingers itched to unscrew the lid.

Instead, he hurriedly rewrapped it in one of Relda's dish towels to ensure it wouldn't break and tucked it back into his bag.

(He was free from the damn monster after centuries of torment and the cursed thing still had a hold over him.)

--

He was able to not think about names or Tobias Clay for a while because there were larger things at stake and more important things to think about then who he used to be.

Meditation, his own private weapon against the Wolf, became something he taught one of his most hurt victims. It seemed irony was as pervasive in his life as the Wolf.

Guilt had always been one of his strongest weapons against the Wolf. He created chains from the faces of his victims and shackled the Wolf with them, forcing the beast further and further back with every reminder that he couldn't allow something like that happen again. Restraint and keeping himself centered were invaluable as well, but guilt was what he found himself relying on the most.

I concentrate on all the people I hurt when I was unable to control myself he had told Daphne when she had asked. He'd kept the details to himself of course – he had no intention of traumatizing yet another child – but it still rang true. His own regrets had always been what was keeping the Wolf at bay.

But that didn't apply here with Red. She was trying to recover her memories, to piece together what her old life had been just like he was. Guilt was useless, and he couldn't imagine asking a child to put herself through that kind of turmoil. So he found himself directing their meditation sessions in other ways.

He wasn't certain, but he imagined that Red's memories came to her the same way his came to him; in disconnected piecemeal, snapshots of scenes that meant nothing without context. Snippets of a life that neither of them could return to.

“What did you see?” he asked after her face scrunched up in concentration. The question was rote by now, something repeated in every one of their sessions. He occasionally shared his memories to make her more comfortable telling him her own. His (when not bloodstained from the Wolf) tended to be rather benign; sparse glimpses of a forest or a brief conversation with a stranger (or a friend; it was difficult to tell the difference.)

“I remembered something from before,” she started. “B-before the cabin, a-and the Wolf. I was talking to my grandmother and…and she called me by a different name.” Her brow furrowed, as though the memory was already slipping through her grasp. “I can't remember what it was, though.”

“That's alright,” he said absently. Red had already agreed that if she remembered anything about the Master or the Scarlet Hand, then he was free to relay it to the others in the camp. Any personal memories, though, he kept to himself until she felt like sharing them with anyone else. But that also meant Charming would be breathing down his neck about this as though recovering memories taken by powerful magic was a feat no more difficult than checking the weather. He would, however, have to deal with that later. “I'm sure you'll remember in time.”

Red nodded. Picked at a thread on the pants she had borrowed from Daphne. “You had another name too, didn't you? Tobias Clay? That's what they said at the trial.”

His eyebrows furrowed at the shift in conversation. “That's correct.”

“But everyone still calls you Mr. Canis.” It wasn't phrased like a question, but the uncertainty in her voice made it seem like one.

“It's the name I went by for twenty years. I suppose it's easier to remember,” he said. Red moved her fingers to a different thread. “And believe me, child, there are far more important things to worry about than my name.”

She was quiet for a moment before speaking, her voice still soft. “I don't think that means it's not important at all. My memories are important to me, even if they don't help us find the Master. Your name is allowed to be important to you.”

Though it was wavering, it was the most conviction he'd ever seen her display. It was also the first time she'd ever openly disagreed with him. He was, oddly enough, a little proud of her, of her small act of bravery despite how meek it was.

He sent her away after that, telling her that they're done for the day and could resume tomorrow if she wanted to. The door closed behind her, as quiet as she was, and he was left alone with his thoughts.

Tobias Clay.

The name still didn't feel right. He thought of it every once in a while, when one of his memories was particularly clear or unusual, but it still held no real familiarity to him. It still felt empty, like something that belonged to a stranger and not himself.

But wasn't that the point of names? To be given meaning, rather than have meaning inherently buried within them? Could he arbitrarily decide that this name meant nothing, considering that Canis had meant nothing to him as well at some point?

The shadows on the floor grew longer as he found himself with no answers.

--

(Wolf was the only name he would never have any doubts about. It had been a monster, a being capable only of bloodlust and destruction. He couldn't erase what he'd done, but he'd be damned if he let that monster dig its claws any deeper into his life.

Hamstead had been the single exception, in that the name had been used with a kind of respect. He'd done the same with ‘Pig.’ It was a reciprocal acknowledgment of their shared past.

Coming from Hamstead, it was the only time he didn't hate the name.)

--

It wasn't until after the war that somebody brought up the topic of his name again. Because, while Canis was familiar and it was something he remembered, he wasn't sure if it qualified as his any more than Tobias Clay.

Canis had been, as Relda phrased it, a “place-holder name" that was only supposed to last until they found who he really was. And he wasn't a fool – he knew exactly where she'd gotten it from and what it meant. For all of Relda Grimm's strengths, subtlety wasn't one of them. It had been a temporary name at best. And now, nearly two decades later, he finally had the answer to the question he hadn't even been sure could be answered.

In theory, Tobias was better. Canis may have been familiar, but it was also irrevocably linked to the Wolf. Everyone (himself included) had believed that Canis and the Wolf were interchangeable beings, but Tobias Clay proved the opposite, that he had been someone before the Wolf and could be someone after. It was a name unconnected to the Wolf, unsullied by its crimes.

It was a name unconnected to anything. It was both a benefit and a detriment. Canis had been linked with the Wolf, but that wasn't the only connection that name bore.

The name Tobias Clay may have meant something to him in the past, but it didn't mean much now. Any connection to the name was burned away by magic, torn away and discarded centuries ago. Tobias Clay was, by all means and purposes, a ghost, someone who might as well been killed by the Wolf even if he was still physically alive. Tobias’s memories haunted him in fragments; events he couldn't remember, people he didn't know. They were foggy reflections of a life he had already lived.

The day he'd been sentenced to hang, the day he'd found out about Tobias Clay, he had asked if he had a family. It was one of many questions he had about his old life, one morsel of information he craved to know about who he had been. Nobody had answered because the concept of Tobias Clay existing was as novel as the idea of Canis existing had been all those years ago.

It was a question only he was capable of answering, though he wasn't sure if either possible answer could be considered good. Was it better to know that he'd lived alone, that no one had mourned him when the Wolf came to be? Or was it better to know that he'd had a family, one that was forever lost, only alive in his memories?

He may never know Tobias Clay's family. But he knew Canis'.

Canis was tied to the Wolf, true. It was an name irrevocably covered in blood and pain. But it was also the name that tied him to the Grimms, to the family he'd grown to love and the woman who had trusted him when he couldn't even trust himself.

It was also, strangely enough, the name that tied him to his daughter.

Fatherhood was admittedly not something he was particularly adept at. He had been present throughout Henry and Jacob's childhood, as well as when Relda took in Sabrina and Daphne and later Puck. But he was a far cry from a father to any of them. Trying to be a competent parent to Red was a different matter altogether. It was a struggle, and not one he was used to. He had always been prepared to lay down his life for the Grimms. Having someone to live for was…significantly harder.

The aftermath from the war seemed to last longer than the war itself. There were houses to rebuild, streets to repave, living situations to sort out. Everafters streamed in and out of town, a constant state of flux. Those who had been trapped reveled in the opportunity to see the world for the first time in centuries, and those who hadn't came to revisit the town that they hadn't dared step foot in since the barrier went up.

For the everafters leaving town, there was also the matter of paperwork. Passports, birth certificates, social security cards- all things needed to live within human society. All things most everafters didn't have. But Veronica Grimm was nothing if not an expert in navigating that kind of red tape, which was how he found himself registering Red for school with Relda one afternoon.

The process was a little tiresome, but not particularly arduous; mostly just filling out the same lies covering the rest of her paperwork. The matter of her name, though, left quite a few lines blank. ‘Red,’ though not a common name, was not as suspicious as it might have been years ago. The real issue, however, was her last name. The memory of it still slipped through her grasp, and they were currently trying to find a good substitute.

“We could just use ‘Grimm,'" he offered as he struggled to paperclip the registration forms together. Unbelievably, arthritis was more cumbersome in regular life than it had been during the war. Relda hummed in agreement to his idea, but was more preoccupied with separating Red's paperwork from Pinocchio’s into more distinct stacks.

“Actually,” Red interjected timidly, hiding behind her hair. “I was wondering if maybe I could…use ‘Canis' instead.” She paused, as though gauging their reactions. “O-or I can still use Grimm, if you don't like that idea.”

It occurred to him, perhaps a second too late, that she'd taken his lack of reaction as disapproval. And it wasn't without reason; since she'd taken on the Wolf, he'd been torn between wanting to be the parent she needed and wanting to keep her at arm's length before he could do anymore damage. After all, it was his selfishness, his recklessness that had put her in that situation to begin with. He was clearly unfit as role model, much less a father.

And yet here she was, asking if she could take this ridiculous, made-up name and use it to make them father and daughter in the eyes of the law.

He agreed and Red smiled, soft and warm, as they filled out the remainder of the paperwork.

Weeks later, when he was forging his own legal forms in hopes of getting a driver's license, the topic of names gave him pause again.

In the past, on the rare occasion that he needed to use a first name, he'd made one up. It happened infrequently enough that it had no real bearing on what others referred to him as, but the reminder still rang loudly as he shifted through the papers.

His pen hovered over the form, but didn't make a mark. Choosing between names had never been a problem before, because he hadn't had more than one to choose from. But now he did, and was presented with the choice between a name that tied him to his family, but also to who he'd been at his lowest points, and a name that tied him to absolutely nothing but ghosts.

After another moment of deliberation, he firmly filled in the blank under Name.

--

The name still felt new. Not entirely unfamiliar or familiar, but still slightly strange nonetheless.

But it felt like his, in that he'd chosen it to be his, in that he'd decided on it rather than having it being given to him with no other alternatives.

It still didn't mean much to him, didn't carry the weight that just  Mr. Canis did. But it might mean something to him someday, might be a name that he lived in, created memories in.

It still rung with oddness, but with each introduction and passing reference to it, the novelty wore off a little bit more, fading and waning until it was just a name, just something that was his.

After twenty years of driving, he finally received his license, emblazoned with his new name. It made it seem more real in a way, a physical signifier of the name he'd chosen. It was tucked neatly in his wallet, next to a picture of the Grimms. And there, in official black and white lettering, was the name he'd decided was undoubtedly his:

Tobias Canis.

Both of his lives combined. His foggy past and his uncertain future.

A name worth living in.

[scapegrace74-blog]

Saorsa, Chapter 16

A/N  Here is the next installment of Saorsa.  Jamie’s on a mission, and Ned Gowan makes his first appearance.  He keeps poking his head up in this story, like a marmot with a law degree.

Rather than link to all previously posted chapters, I’ll just direct those of you wanting to catch up on your Saorsa-reading to my AO3 page, where the fic is posted in its entirety.

Thank you to each of you liking and reblogging!  It does my little fanfic writer’s heart good.

For a man who couldn’t walk more than fifty yards without getting winded, Jamie Fraser was still a force to be reckoned with when he set his mind to a task.  In the two days since she’d confessed her dual secrets to him, he had directed labourers to a nearby bog to cut peat to burn through the winter instead of wood; suggested they mill the estate’s abundant acorns for flour, rather than letting the wild boar eat them all; shown Murtagh what was needed to repair the old grist mill; and sent the field hands out to collect the season’s last thornapples, so that Cook could stew them as preserves and dry them as fruit leather.  He deferred publicly to her position as Lady of Lallybroch in all matters, but it was clear that he knew a great deal more than she about the running of the estate in hard times.  How that came to be was a question she grew increasingly focused on answering.

With supper eaten and cleared away, they were now at opposite ends of the long couch in the great room.  Claire sat with her legs curled by her side, a novel resting on her thighs. Jamie's feet were extended on an ottoman as he listened attentively to BBC Radio broadcast the latest news of the war.

Her guest treated the war with odd disassociation.  Unlike most every other man she knew, he neither gloried in Britain’s triumphs nor seemed overly moved by her defeats.   He asked strange questions about the location of Pearl Harbor and the size and nature of a Panzer division, but otherwise absorbed the news in silence.  The Duke of Sandringham’s comment about the dubious dedication of the Scots to the war effort came to mind.  In truth, she barely knew Jamie, but she was certain he was not a coward nor a draft dodger.   As usual, all her suppositions about his motivations led her to barred doors that she did not feel entitled to open.

The news ended with the usual orchestral flourish and was replaced by quiet jazz.

Jamie stirred and looked her way.  “I’ve been thinking, Sassenach...”

She smirked, both at the now-familiar nickname and the fact that Jamie always seemed to be thinking.  He was often silent, as though over-awed by the simplest of daily occurrences, but it was clear that he was a man who reasoned deeply, yet preferred action to words.  It was a practical intelligence, when contrasted with Frank’s cerebral style.  If her late husband had been a florid adjective, James Fraser was all verb.

“I ken tis yer decision but would it no’ be wise tae consult the law about yer… situation?” he finished delicately.   She’d yet to tell anyone else about Frank’s death or her pregnancy, and she appreciated Jamie’s discretion.

“I thought of that, Jamie.  But I’m worried about what will happen if word gets back to the Duke of Sandringham before I’m ready.  He’s connected to every High Street lawyer in Scotland, I’m certain of it.”

Jamie grinned what she’d come to consider his piratical grin before suggesting, “Aye.  Where’er in Scotland could we find a man of the law who wouldna go blethering tae an English laird about keepin’ Lallybroch out of ‘is clutches?”

She couldn’t help smiling back at him, despite the seriousness of her situation.  Their eyes clutched and held for a long moment, before she broke the hold and looked down at her lap, smile fading.

“If you could make some discreet inquiries…” she murmured.

“Consider it done.”  He rose carefully from the couch and came to stand before her.

“It’s time fer me tae be beddin’ down wi’ Murtagh in the croft, Mistress Beauchamp.”

The switch from the familiar to the formal was not lost of her, and she rebelled against it instinctively.

“Absolutely not!  You’re still healing.  And you are not a labourer.  You’re my guest.”

“I’ve strayed in yer bed too long already,” he protested, and then blushed as he realized what he’d just said.  He plowed ahead anyway.  “Yer a widowed woman, and tis no’ right for me tae… weel, ye ken what I mean.”

“I most certainly do not.  I’ve been a widow for as long as you’ve known me.  Nothing about that has changed.   I will not hear of it, Jamie.  If you feel badly for depriving me of my bed, we can switch bedchambers.  You aren’t sleeping in that damp croft, and that’s final.”   She rose to stand in front of him, her fists resting against her hips and her chin thrown back in defiance.

“Did no-one e’er tell ye that yer as stubborn as a whole team o’ oxen, Sassenach?” he said with resigned affection.

“Let there be no mistake, Mister Fraser.  I’m far more stubborn than a whole team of oxen.”

**

Ned Gowan looked every bit the part of a disreputable lawyer.  His long hair was pulled back into a greasy pigtail, and he had the narrow, canny eyes of a larcenist.  Jamie would not divulge where he’d located the man, but he begged Claire to listen with an open mind as he set forth his argument.

The royal grant that saw Lallybroch pass from a family of Jacobite traitors into the hands of Frank Randall’s ancestors was clear.  Lallybroch would be held in perpetuity by successive generations of Randalls until there was no direct heir, at which time it would pass to the current Duke of Sandringham, to whose line protectorship of the estate had been given.  As long as the customary payment of a hundred pounds was made twice a year and a Randall resided at the estate, Lallybroch was theirs.

There could be no question in anyone’s mind that the child Claire bore was the lawful heir of Captain Frank Randall, conceived after their marriage and before his death.

Therefore, once born her child would be the natural inheritor of Lallybroch.   During the child’s minority, Claire would hold the estate in trust and be responsible for its management.

“Even though I’m a woman?  Even though I’m… not a Scot?” Claire asked, her hand unconsciously touching her still-flat belly.

“Oh, yes, my dear.  British history is full of examples of foreign women wielding power in the absence of their native husbands.   On that subject, the law is very clear,” the lawyer responded with a twinkle in his eye.  “I’m not saying the Duke will not try to contest it, but the child you carry is the future Lord or Lady of Lallybroch.”

She was totally engrossed in what Ned Gowan was saying, so she missed the look of mute agony that travelled over Jamie’s face.

**

The relief she felt after Ned Gowan’s visit put her in a playful mood.  She ribbed Jamie good-naturedly about his peculiar fondness for Cook’s cock-a-leekie soup at the supper table.

“Tis almost as good as my mam’s recipe, Sassenach.  She would make it when’er I was ill, or when I strayed too long in the dreich and came home frozen tae the marrow, which was often.”

She opened her mouth to ask about his mother, but he forestalled her question with his own.

“Where’abouts are yer people, Sassenach?  I ken they’re no’ here in Scotland, but do they visit ye?”

The smile fled from her face, and Jamie immediately looked contrite.

“Claire, I dinna mean to…”

“It’s alright.  It’s just that, well… I don’t have any ‘people’.  Not really.  Not the way you mean.”

He emitted a soft sigh and reached for her hand where it rested on the table.

“My, err… my parents died when I was quite young.  In the influenza epidemic that followed the Great War.  My uncle, Lambert, raised me until I was old enough to attend boarding school.   It was quite the unconventional upbringing, visiting all manner of places, wherever his work took him.   He was an archaeologist, you see.”

Jamie nodded absently.

“Lamb died before the war.  Cancer.  It’s been just me since then.   Well, and Frank.”

“How long were ye marrit tae ‘im?”

“Less than a year.   Love during wartime, I suppose.  We met last June, were married by October, and he was deployed only weeks later.  We last saw each other in August, and then…”  Her free hand unconsciously strayed to her flat tummy.

“I’m sae sorry, Sassenach.”   She was grateful there wasn’t an ounce of pity in his tone, only sincere regret.

“No, it’s alright.  It sounds cold, but we weren’t together long enough for me to truly miss him.  Anyway, you asked after my people, but all I have are memories.”

A pained noise burst from Jamie’s throat.

“Ye ken that isna true, Claire.  Afore ye know it, ye’ll have yer wee bairn tae raise.  And the men and women of this estate care for ye, truly.”

“Do they?” she asked, glancing at him sideways.

“Aye.”  Jamie nodded, but said no more.

[boxoftheskyking]

I should name this Untamed fic Part 2

Here is Part 1

I’m not editing anything and I’m posting as I go so the structure will probably get fucked up 

Part 2: In Which Wei Wuxian Gets a New Assignment

---

The way that Wei Wuxian looks at it, he’s lived ten lives. A few years that he likes to imagine were happy while his parents were alive. A few months as a beggar. Ten years as an adopted son. Three months as a student in Cloud Recesses. Fifteen glorious minutes as the focus of Lan Wangji’s irritated attention. A month that felt like a year as an orphan, again, hauling a comatose Jiang Cheng from one hideout to another. Two months recovering from a surgery no one can ever know about. A year and a half of wandering, too scared to face Jiang Cheng and the rest of the world, losing himself in the hills above Yiling, something in the mountain pulling him higher, deeper, calling to the void inside him and then spitting him back out. Two months in the prison at Qishan and then on trial for a couple things he did and a dozen things that had nothing to do with him—the ambush on the Lan hunting party chief among them. And now as a servant, mediocre and common and doing penance to a sect he’s never actually wronged. Unless you count breaking two hundred and seven of their rules in three months as a teenager. In his defense, three months is a long time, and Emperor’s Smile is really very good.

He’s early, which is truly unusual for him, but he’d been too nervous to sleep. He’s just approached the instruction pavilion when he hears raised voices from inside. Well, raised as much as they ever are in Cloud Recesses. 

“—I the Sect Leader, or am I not?” That sounds like Lan Xichen, though Wei Wuxian has never heard his voice be anything other than cool and placid as a mountain lake.

There is a long pause, or at least a moment where Wei Wuxian can’t hear what’s happening.

“—boy is a problem, Xichen, and I caution you against your own optimism—” Lan Qiren’s voice fades out into an irritated mumble.

“—less there is proof, and if you recall, Wen Ruohan produced no—”

They must be approaching the door, as Wei Wuxian can hear much more clearly now. Eavesdropping is forbidden in Cloud Recesses, but hey, they’re the ones that ordered him here at the ass crack of dawn.

No proof, he says there was no proof, he lets himself think for just a moment before shoving the hope back down. Doesn’t matter.

“With or without proof, it’s not a risk that should be taken. Certainly not with the children. Even if your faith is not misplaced, in the best case scenario, the boy is loud, he is flighty, he is unsuitable, and he is a problem.”

“Uncle,” Lan Xichen sounds calm as ever, but there is a surprising amount of steel in his tone. “I am the leader of this sect. I will always value your input and I am grateful for all of the education I’ve received at your hands, but you have to let me lead. And you have to let me disagree with you on some things. You turned down the role of sect leader for a reason, didn’t you?”

Wei Wuxian’s eyebrows shoot up. After the former sect leader and numerous high ranking members were killed in the ambush, it seemed only natural that the title should pass to his oldest son, the great Zewu-jun, despite his relatively young age. To hear that the first choice had been the Grand Master is certainly a surprise. 

There is a very long pause, and the door opens just a crack. Wei Wuxian tucks himself away around the corner of the building.

“Very well,” Lan Qiren says. “Just make sure he is supervised.”

“I trust Wangji,” the Sect Leader says, and his voice sounds like a book being closed, tied, and slotted back onto the shelf. Final.

It’s a lucky thing that the Grand Master isn’t coming back his way, or Wei Wuxian isn’t sure how he’d stay unnoticed. He waits a moment before yawning loudly and stamping his feet a few times, then coming around the corner hopefully looking like someone who just rolled out of bed five minutes ago.

“Zewu-jun,” he says respectfully, executing a neat bow. He’s always liked the Sect Leader, and the little ember of hope tries valiantly to rekindle itself at the kindness in his expression. How long has it been since someone looked at him with actual kindness?

“Young Master Wei.”

No one calls him that anymore, either.

“Please come inside.”

The room seems smaller than he remembers even without the crowd of white-clad students. Lan Xichen does not sit, so Wei Wuxian keeps a respectful distance and waits. 

“How are your quarters?”

Wei Wuxian can’t keep the surprise off his face at the question. “Um. Fine? Yes, they’re fine, thank you for inquiring.”

Lan Xichen nods thoughtfully. “Lin Biming has informed you that you are to be reassigned?”

“Yes, Zewu-jun.”

There’s an awkward pause. Am I supposed to ask? Wei Wuxian wonders.

“How much do you know about the ambush that claimed the life of the former Sect Leader?”

Wei Wuxian’s mouth goes completely dry. “It— I mean, I, uh—”

“I’m quite certain you were not involved.”

He feels himself list to the side, almost stumbling in shock. No sect leader, no one had ever said they believed him. Not even Jiang Cheng.

“Forgive me, I am not asking for information that you do not have. I am merely attempting to provide context for your new position. As you know, the former Sect Leader was killed in the ambush, but so were a good number of our senior disciples and experienced instructors. My brother, Lan Wangji, was meant to be on the night hunt as well, but as luck would have it he had stayed in Cloud Recesses to help tend to one of the children who had fallen ill.”

“I know who your brother is.” For some reason that’s the only thing that comes out of his mouth. 

Lan Xichen smiles just slightly. “Of course. In the aftermath of the attack, as you know, I assumed the role of Sect Leader. My brother has taken over the training of our younger disciples. Other instructors and caregivers have come to Gusu assist over the past few months, but none have stayed for very long.”

Wei Wuxian doesn’t feel like he can ask Why not, but he really, really wants to.

“I am assigning you to care for the young disciples. Lan Wangji will be in charge of their training and education, but other duties will fall to you. Making sure they are fed, clean, sleeping and waking at the appropriate time. Approved recreation activities, memorization of the rules. My brother is a very capable teacher,” a warmer smile flickers across Lan Xichen’s face, “but they are children. That is what we need help with. Not someone to train a generation of cultivators; someone to raise children.”

“But I—” Wei Wuxian can’t help himself. “I’ve never raised children. I mean I have no— I’m not a—”

“And you were never taught demonic cultivation techniques. But in less than a year you could raise and control an army of thirty-plus puppets, repress a soul-eater with a single talisman when it usually takes at least three, and transfer a curse from one victim to another without physical touch or spiritual power.”

“I—” He’s not sure if this list is meant to inspire confidence or to remind him why he’s earned this punishment. “It’s really not that hard if you think about the curse as its own entity. I mean, instead of a thing that takes energy to target and release, you see it as, I don’t know, not a being, but something with a want or a desire. And then it’s just making your intended target into something more attractive to the curse than whoever’s got it in the first place. It’s not, like, a genius thing.”

Lan Xichen blinks at him, and Wei Wuxian can’t quite read his expression. “You are not to teach that to the children.”

Wei Wuxian laughs. “I may be a fool and a demon, but I’m not interested in trying to control a bunch of twelve-year-olds with the ability to curse each other.” 

He waits, but Lan Xichen says nothing further.

“So I’m a quick study,” Wei Wuxian says carefully. “That doesn’t make me— That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I remember you,” the Sect Leader says simply. “From before.”

“I was a terror.”

Lan Xichen inclines his head just slightly. “So you’ll understand them, particularly the difficult ones.”

He can’t help a snort of laughter at that. He supposes it’s true. He remembers being a kid. He still feels like a kid, though he’s nineteen now. Sometimes he thinks he’s just been switching from one type of kid to another. So many lives, never a chance to grow up.

“Do you agree to the position?” Lan Xichen asks.

“Do I have a choice?”

“No, not really.”

Wei Wuxian gives him his most winning smile. “Great. When do I start?”

Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

[sunevial]

Reflection

Author’s Notes and Commentary

Well, here we are at the end.

When I started writing The Followers, I genuinely didn’t think it would come this far. I wasn’t setting out to write a literal novel’s worth of content (122,655 words between everything before I edit the original Followers fic, to be precise) about some self-insert OCs that some friends and I ended up creating on a whim. When I started with this project, it was supposed to be some fun little things between friends, a little like DMP in that regard: a fun fic writing with friends where plenty of bad things happen. Except like its source material, it turned into something much greater than even its creator could’ve imagined. 

Nearly everything that we came up with was pure speculation, because at the time, DMP didn’t have a lot of solid lore to build a more canon-compliant AU (not that I/we were ever trying to do that in the first place, but I digress). Part of me is a bit sad that I was never able to incorporate other Awakened or even write fics centered around the Awakened as opposed to the Followers; at the time most of this was being written, there simply weren’t enough characters in DMP for me to have a cast I could write with. By the time there were, there was no way I could take on another project of this size. The Followers fit that niche of having a relatively large cast with varying interpersonal dynamics that DMP now has, and at the very least, I am glad to see I was able to predict something in the major narrative.

This being said, as a person, I love making self insert characters for stories and media. In my eyes, if I can see myself or a character I have made interacting with a world someone else has created, that piece of media has made a world that others can see themselves in. Even in its early days, DMP created a world that I felt could be expanded upon beyond what we were explicitly told, which is how the Followers really came to be in the first place. Even if none of it is canon, the lore of the Followers still reasonably fits with the information we were given in Season 1, and that makes me happy.

(No, I’m never updating this to explore what we know as of season 3.)

A lot has changed since I started writing the Followers, and more broadly, writing anything for myself again. For those who didn’t know, I had a lot of hangups writing fanfiction for a long time due to some events in my past, and it wasn’t until DMP that I felt both inspired enough and comfortable enough with the community surrounding it to branch out into fic writing once again. Throughout this two and a half year journey, material and backstory elements were fleshed out behind the scenes, quite a bit of stuff got retconned within the Follower’s AU, and overall, I have quite simply changed as a writer and a person. I’ve made a lot of amazing friends (and a significant other) in this process, interacted with a lot of wonderful people, and in something that surprised even me, some of the DMP cast themselves have read my work. It’s really helped me break out of my shell and branch out into other avenues, and I genuinely don’t know where I’d be without writing the Followers.

So, to everyone who has been here on this journey, whether you helped develop the characters (shout outs to my fellow creators, Onyx, Missfoxx, ArcherOwl, Arahul, CollectorOfMyst, Caaarl, KyleTheWarrior, you guys are sincerely wonderful and amazing people to work with), been an avid fan of the series, or have simply enjoyed watching all of this from the side lines: thank you. I couldn’t have done this alone, and I’m glad to have gone on this journey with you all.

The Followers: Agents of Stories

I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t have a working theme going into this whole novel long journey, but I will be touching on some of the various themes I began to weave into the story as time went on.

The truth matters.

The truth is the single most driving factor throughout the series. Characters uncover each other’s backstories, Young Priest learns the real reason why the stories of the Followers have been so inconsistent, Vincent learns the truth about his wife, and even the readers of this fic learn the truth about the lore I’ve created for this AU. Wanting to know what is really going on is really the driver of any modern narrative, because it’s often the readers who are in the dark since we can only experience things from (typically) one perspective as we read. 

Truth, like history, is often written by the victors and people in power.

Murder God and the Followers are experts at lying. To them, truth is a tool, and whoever knows the truth has the most power. The truth is complicated, the truth is messy, and for beings that powerful, the truth is objectively dangerous. If word gets out Gale is the Witch’s daughter, if too many people know Young Priest’s sister is in the Void, if people learn that Priestess actually cares about Lieutenant, that gives other people power over them. This is where the idea of unreliable narrators also comes into play; there’s simply things that the reader doesn’t know because of who’s POV they’re experiencing the world through and what they’re going to care about letting other people know. They don’t want people to know the truth. I

A story’s message is more important than the truth.

Good narratives and good historical records rarely intersect well. There’s always going to be embellishment, stuff that is left out or skimmed over, or timelines that are changed to better suit the story someone is trying to tell. Because the truth is often written by people in power, it makes sense for the general scope of the narrative to be prioritized over getting every single detail correct. No one actually cares if Witch lost her pregnancy, if Huntress was killed by another god, if Advisor actually feared something happening to him. People care about the Witch, the human who has fallen from grace. People care about the Huntress, bringer of vengeance and the hunt. People care about the Advisor, collector of knowledge and secrets. As long as the mythos is served, who cares about the truth?

General Questions

What is the order the Followers joined?

Old Priestess, Lieutenant, Witch, Bookkeeper, Advisor, Huntress, Part Timer, Young Priest

What do all of the Followers represent in terms of game rolls?

Old Priestess and Lieutenant are the Murderers, Witch is the Witch (you can save someone and you can kill someone), Bookkeeper is the Minion (aids the murderers but does not partake in the killings), Advisor is the Seer, Huntress is the Gunslinger, Part Timer is the Doctor/Bodyguard (protect one person every night), and Young Priest is the Gardener.

How many of the Followers have been replaced?

Less than you think. Witch is the last in a long line of typically human or quasi-immortal witches who didn’t survive. The Young Priest position has changed hands multiple times due to that role actively needing some human morality to work properly, which usually results in minds being broken or rebellions taking place. 

Can Old Priestess and Lieutenant bleed?

Old Priestess, yes. Lieutenant, no, but I suppose he could make blood if he really felt like it.

The Masquerade chapter mentioned something about Priestess having "ichor" that helped stabilize Bookkeepers' blood. What is that quote un quote ichor?

It’s just her own blood. Priestess donated her own blood to help stabilize Bookkeeper.

How many years did it take for Bookkeeper’s legs to heal? Are there any scars?

Time doesn’t really exist in the Void, but if I had to put a number to it, about ten years. There are some very small scars, but they’re not easy to see. Bookkeeper also never wears anything that isn’t long sleeved, so take that as you will.

Could you stick your hand through Part Timer’s eye hole? How does he function with half of his skin gone? Does he get blood everywhere?

Yes, you can, but you’d soon hit red strings. His muscle tissue and bones are held together with magic and magic alone, so his ‘undead’ side needs blood only in the vaguest sense. That being said, his clothes are almost always bloodstained to some extent, so that blood has to come from somewhere.

What are the Followers’ opinions on sleeping? Do any of them need sleep?

None of them need sleep. Most of them are too busy to ever want sleep. Huntress occasionally lies down for a nap, and Witch slept a fair bit while she was raising Gale.

How do Advisor's…emotion switches work? Could they get unwillingly triggered by something?

The switches are more metaphorical. The idea is that since he understands how emotions are processed and created and how he responds to them, he can willingly enable or disable his ability to feel them. This also means he can, in theory, control his mood at all given times. However, as shown in Inter Spem et Metum, if he has had no reason to experience a certain emotion until that exact moment, it can temporarily render that control useless, as he doesn’t know enough about it to control it.

Can any of them get sick? If yes, what could cause it and how would they get better?

Biological illness, no. Curse based illnesses, yes. Typically if one of them were to get cursed by something strong enough to hold, Witch would be the one to break it. She’s their primary curse breaker. If Witch gets cursed, the others know enough about curse breaking to get her out of it.

Can they get sick from something their own bodies do (ie. hives from stress, allergies)?

Almost all of their bodies are so infused with magic that most problems that would plague mortals aren’t as much of a concern. It would be a little bit like, say, Aphrodite getting hives from stress. While she might look human, she’s definitely not, and a lot of the problems that come with being human don’t apply.

When did Retribution take place?

Before Part Timer joined. That’s the closest to an actual answer you’re going to get.

How many of the Followers actually know each other’s stories?

Everyone has an inkling of the truth of the others, but only Witch and Bookkeeper have let the others know their full story. Bookkeeper has never really cared, and Witch was all but forced to tell her full story. 

Are there any ships that the creators ship among the Followers?

Old Priestess and Lieutenant is shipped by Old Priestess’s creator (Missfoxx), Lieutenant’s creator (Onyx), and me. It’ll never be canon, because Lieutenant doesn’t know what love feels like and Old Priestess will never admit her own feelings, but it is a strong ship between the three of us. Bookkeeper’s creator (Caaarl) and I actually ship Bookkeeper and Witch due to their unspoken bond they developed being the only former humans amongst ancient deities and eldritch entities. Again, non canon, but it’s definitely an exploration for both of us how the two of them would cope with such traumatic transformations.    

What actually happened with Vincent’s wish in Chapter 20?

This was intentionally left vague due to it being from Vincent’s point of view, and Vincent calls himself not a smart man. Essentially, Murder God and the Followers caused a timeline divergence due to their canon ability to fuck up timelines as they so desire. Gale still married Vincent Marshall Reid, but he simply just died in the war overseas and never took Murder God’s deal. Vincent Marshall Reid of DMP canon instead grew up in West Virginia and married Abigail Crane. Essentially, the two of them exist in different timelines now, unable to ever interact again in any meaningful way.

Is Gale going to be okay?

Gale is Witch’s daughter. Witch refuses to let Gale get mixed up with the cults. Even with her current actions and making a deal with Murder God, Gale is considered a free agent and always will be a free agent. She and the kids will be fine. Star sickness isn’t a thing in the Followers AU either, so she won’t be coughing up goop.

What is actually going to happen to Young Priest in Chapter 21?

That’s meant for reader speculation; part of the horror of the Followers is not knowing specifically what they’re willing to do to someone and how far they’re willing to go to make someone into the image they need. I’ll probably expand on how I think he turns out once everything has been done to him, but I can tell you this. His eyes are turned a solid sparkling blue.

[wexhappyxfew]

hello friend! you don't have to answer all of these, but here's some questions :) what's your favorite part (or has been) your favorite part of writing the soldier of stars? what's been the hardest part of writing soldier of stars? what's your editing process? do you have any tips on editing for people who hard a time editing?

krysta!! hello!! i hope you are doing well, thanks for the questions! :) (ill completely answer all your questions 💛💛 )

What’s your favorite part (or has been) your favorite part of writing The Soldier of Stars?

Yes! I love this question so so much!!

So, this is my second big fic really, and I’ve grown greatly from my first fic Sunshine Soldier which is another Band of Brothers fanfiction, and I’ve really started to expand my style of writing and such.

My main character, Hazel Parker, is a character I just adore, I call her my lil bean🥺, and she is a character who I’ve portrayed as noticing all the little things in life such as the beauty of the stars, the little ticks people have, when people are upset or happy, just things she admires. And a way I portray that, is going into really detailed explanations of things while in her POV to show that she is truly taking everything in. As someone, like I am, who is very observant and analyzes everything, I made Hazel that way as well. In Catherine and Lizzie’s POV, they don’t go into much detail because they’re not like Hazel and I try to show that when I make those switches. Hazel fully thinks everything out in her description of things in her thought process and I’ve just LOVED writing that with her character to show a bit of what she’s like.

What’s been the hardest part about writing The Soldier of Stars?

Ok, so, this I wouldn’t say is the hardest part, but it’s really for me just trying to really get it right.

The Soldier of Stars deals with 3 women or Viragos, women who come from Operation Virago, a secret and covert Operation planned by General Eisenhower during the Second World War to set women on the front lines. And these three women eventually go to Easy Company. I just really wanted a book where the women came to Easy Company with rank and a force and a name for themselves, coming from intense training with fine-tuned skills. I wanted strong women in these roles, that could be raw and emotional, but could stand their ground and show people what strong women really were like, but I also wanted them to be relatable and to be people that you could feel for throughout the story. That’s just something I’ve always been a perfectionist about but for me it’s really come together and I’m really happy about it all!! I’ve always just wanted to show 3 different, yet powerful women who were strong in their own ways and I adore that :)

What’s your editing process?

Well 😅 when I go through and edit, it’s a light edit at first but when I truly get down to editing, it’s right before and update so I know it’s final. I write all my stories all the way through and then go back and edit usually!! I’ll usually chunk a chapter, and make notes of how I want it, different things like that, and edit the parts that I want. In a whole, I tend to be someone who jumps around the entire story to edit. I’m someone who just writes truly and see where the story takes me so my editing usually takes longer than actual writing, but it usually comes out even better after editing :) and yes this was a chaotic answer but it’s basically how my brain thinks LOL

Do you have any tips on editing for people who have a hard time at editing?

So, I actually used to struggle with editing because I’d really like a part and not want to go back and edit it or change it because I really liked it. But I started doing things where I’d look at it for the whole of the story and look at its importance and see how relevant it is to the story and go from there for example. One tip I do have, is to try and listen to music while you edit, it gets me in a flow or a vibe of sorts and helps me push through the editing phase. I just keep telling myself that once I edit, I can post this amazing chunk of story for people and know that I love my story and that way it is because that’s what matters. As long as you love your story, that’s the best part. Edit what you feel you need to, mostly, and don’t stress if you can’t update that chapter. It’ll get out I promise. Take all the time you need with editing, there’s never a rush. You go by your own schedule and readers have to respect that, I’ve always lived by that :) i hope this is helpful!!

thank you sm for your questions!! i had a lot of fun answering these and would definitely answer more!! sorry if theyre kinda a chaotic mess LOL 😅 stay safe, happy, healthy and hydrated my friend!! 💛

[sege-h]

1, 10, 16 for Cyclone. 5, 13, 20 for Storm. 3, 14, 22 for Ry. 11, 23, 31 for Sharp. And 7+29 for all four.

tHESE ARE LONG SO

Cyclone

1. How does your character sleep? Peacefully, fitfully? What position do they sleep in? What is their typical bedding like?

Tbh I don’t know him well enough yet to know if he sleeps peacefully, or be a 100% certain on his position. But he strikes me as someone that sleeps either on his back, or on his side. Tho I do know for sure that his bed is a nice big one, and it’s a mess of pillows and blankets. Some of the covers are soft, akin to silk. It’s just him in his bed but that doesn’t stop him from surrounding himself with pillows, with at least 4 by his head.

 10. How is your oc about medical care? Do they avoid any form of healthcare that they can, do they seek it out over every little scrape? Do they treat their injuries/illness all by themselves?

He usually treats his injuries and illnesses by himself, unless it’s something pretty serious, then he seeks out a doctor.

 16. If your oc could only eat one thing for the rest of their life (while miraculously not suffering from malnutrition), what would it be? Does this match their favourite food?

Oof this is another one that Idk him well enough for. But I know he likes meat, so probably steak? Well seasoned, maybe with some sauce on it. I think he rarely eats things plain, like JUST a steak with nothing on it.

 7. How would you describe your oc’s voice? Do they have an accent? Do you have any voice claims for them?

He’s p new but also I suck at describing voices. I don’t THINK he has an accent? Definitely no voice claim. His voice is…idk. Gravely??? I feel like that’s not the right term. Like Idk gravely but more high pitched??? IDK

 29. If your oc was in a video game, what would their idle animation be? (When the player stays still for too long, the animation that plays.)

I feel like it’d be him tapping his foot and going from grinning to a lil frown.

 Storm:

5. Your oc has to make something for an art exhibition. What would they make? How terrible is it? Would they enjoy making it?

Tbh I feel like Storm’s the kind of person to just leave random garbage on the floor and watch people be like ‘hmm’ at it like it’s modern art. Or he’d put in a bit more effort and crush something metal or a soda can in some weird impossible-ish way and just leave it there.

 13. What is your oc’s immune system like? Are they invincible to illness, or are they compromised completely from the slightest of dirt?

He’s somewhere in the middle, honestly? He’s usually relatively okay, but is prone to falling ill when it’s cold/flu season around winter, though when he does get sick he rides it out pretty fast.

 20. Does your oc have any pleasure that embarrasses them so they keep it secret? Or are they open about all the things they enjoy?

He doesn’t have anything that embarrasses him as far as things he enjoys go. Though there are things that he’ll keep secret for the sake of the safety of his friends. He won’t reveal that he lives in a big mansion (the fact that it’s a mansion doesn’t matter to him, just that he has a roof over his head), or just how much he enjoys Zee’s company, unless he’s really close to someone.

 7. How would you describe your oc’s voice? Do they have an accent? Do you have any voice claims for them?

Storm’s actually one of my few OCs that has a voice claim! Kind of. The voice from Mugen from Samurai Champloo, but a tad more high pitched. He has a southern accent, though he fakes it. Whether it’s convincingly or not depends entirely on how funny it’d be for it to be obvious it’s fake in the moment HSGDHSGDSH

29. If your oc was in a video game, what would their idle animation be? (When the player stays still for too long, the animation that plays.)

He’d play around with his artificial arm by making crackles of electricity.

 Ry:

3. How easy to annoy is your oc? Do they have common pet-peeves or are they stoic in response to everything? What is their reaction if the source doesn’t stop?

I feel like it’s not easy to annoy him if you’re a stranger, at least as long as you’re trying to annoy him just by jabs at his own person. He’d get more annoyed if jabs aimed at his brother start happening. But otherwise he either brushes off annoyances, or fires back at the people trying to annoy him by trying to annoy them in turn.

 14. Does your oc do anything “just for the aesthetic”? Or are they completely practical in everything?

Tbh 90% of his look is ‘just for the aesthetic’. There are practical uses in the things he uses, such as things that conduct electricity and/or will amplify the power of his element based hits. But there’s also no practicality in the back of his shoes being able to draw from his power and light up and leave an electric trail behind him. It’s all just shiny zappy aesthetics SHDGSHGD

 22.How long can your oc stay focused on one task before they get bored? Do they constantly have to switch things up or do they hyperfocus? What sort of things is it the opposite for?

Unless he’s in some sort of danger where he definitely has to 100% focus on the task at hand and getting out of trouble, he can get pretty bored if what he’s doing isn’t interesting to him. Like he could mess around with the zircon for hours, trying to figure things out about it. But give him, idk, a rubiks cube, and he’ll mess around with it for like 5 minutes before going ‘uGH I cant do it this is boring’ and trying to find something else to do.

 7. How would you describe your oc’s voice? Do they have an accent? Do you have any voice claims for them?

Ngl I have 0 idea how to describe his voice and I definitely have no voice claims

29. If your oc was in a video game, what would their idle animation be? (When the player stays still for too long, the animation that plays.)

He’d pause and. Idk how to describe like. Take a stance with his arms on either side of him to make electricity surge over them a few times, kinda like mini lightning crackles.

 Sharp:

11. How competitive is your oc? Is every little task something that they can win, or are they just in competitions for the fun of it? Is there anyone they’re most competitive with?

GOD HE’S SO COMPETITIVE. If you give him ANYTHING and tell him it’s a competition, he HAS to come out on top. Doesn’t matter who he’s up against, especially if you introduce him to it like ‘this is a competition and this other person is SO good at this, I bet they’re better than you at it’ he’ll go fuckin. Feral. SHDGSHDG. He HAS to win and prove that he’s better or at the very least worthy

 23. What is the most annoying sound to your oc? What’s the most pleasant? Is there any reason?

Tones of voice that sound even the littlest bit condescending to him while someone is talking to him HSGDHS He hates being looked down upon, or made to feel like he hasn’t tried his best even though he knows he has. He really really hates the type of talk that makes him feel like the person talking is basically saying they know him better than he does himself.

He loves the sound of rain. He loves rain in general, and if it’s not an outright windy storm, he’ll go out in it. Being out in the rain is connected to him getting to relax and calm down at this point.

 31. What time of day is your oc most awake? What about most tired? Do they get up at the same time every morning without need of an alarm, or is their sleep schedule all over the place?

The morning is when he’s most tired, and the afternoon is when he’s most awake. His sleep schedule is all over the place when it comes to waking up. Sometimes he gets up in the morning without being prompted to, other times he sleeps in. Winter is when his schedule leans more towars “sleeps in” 90% of the time because he’d rather stay snuggled up in bed than get up.

 7. How would you describe your oc’s voice? Do they have an accent? Do you have any voice claims for them?

I ACTUALLY FIGURED THIS OUT RECENTLY AND I HATED HOW IT HAPPENED SHDGSHDGSH

Ok so I had like a clear type of voice for him in my head for months, but no examples of it or ways to describe it. And then a week or so ago there was a video on my dash. You know the purple scientist dude from OK KO? Well evidently he’s voiced by a VA that also voices a character in GTA.

So the video was voice clips from his character in GTA, synced to clips from the dude from OK KO. It had some types of profanities bc ofc it did its GTA, the types that’d normally cause me to stop a video and move along. But I didn’t because the goddamn voice was *perfect* for Sharp. ESPECIALLY how he sounds like when he yells. There’s this one bit where he yells “rrgghHHHH ASSHOLE!!!! EVERYBODY!!!! ASSHOLES!!!!” and it’s goddamn peak Sharp both in the line and in the voice and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. So I just sat there listening to this continuously like ‘wow! I hate when certain things are mentioned but this is Sharp’s voice!!’

 29. If your oc was in a video game, what would their idle animation be? (When the player stays still for too long, the animation that plays.)

God honestly this made me imagine like. You know how in Sonic CD if you leave it for too long, Sonic taps his foot a few times and then when too much time’s passed he just goes ‘I’m outta here!’ and jumps off the screen?

Something like that except instead of occasional foot tapping Sharp’s muttering things like ‘c’mon play the game’. And he progressively gets shoutier like ‘play the game…just…just. PicK UP. THE CONTROLLER!! AND PLAY THE GAME!!!! PLAY THE GAME ALREADY!!!!’ until he finally has enough and lunges at the screen like “juST FUCKIN GO ALREADY GIVE ME THAT CONTROLLER!!!!” shdgHSGDHSGDHS

[chriswoodnetwork]

Welcome to Thriving Mind, a resource to help you understand your individual signs of stress, take small steps to recharge, and unlock better mental health.

Eight years ago, Chris Wood—writer, director (“The Stew”), actor (Supergirl, The Vampire Diaries)—lost his father to mental illness. His death was, in part, the result of a manic episode — the symptoms of which, according to Wood, came out of the blue. “His personality changed. It started with racing thoughts, and his speech would be chattered,” Wood tells Thrive. “His opinions were changing, and stuff just didn’t seem like him.” His father refused to discuss the signs of his declining mental health, Wood explains, which prevented him from getting the help he needed.

Galvanized by this tragedy, Wood launched IDONTMIND, a mental health awareness campaign and lifestyle brand working to defeat the stigma around mental illness. To achieve its mission, IDONTMIND features resources across its website on everything from how to deal with serious mental health conditions to strategies for managing day-to-day stress.

And new research shows that in general, we’re pretty bad at that. A new Thrive Global survey of over 2,000 Americans ages 18 to 85 shows just how desperately people want and need that knowledge: 91% of respondents said not knowing or ignoring their personal signs of overstress had a negative impact on their mental well-being, 72% wish they knew more small everyday steps to improve their mental health, and nearly half said when it comes to managing their stress, they don’t know where to start.

Because there is power in sharing our stories, Wood is opening up to Thrive about his mental health journey, everyday steps he takes to take care of his emotional well-being, and the launch of his organization, IDONTMIND.

Thrive Global: Can you share a little about the backstory of IDONTMIND?

Chris Wood: About eight and a half years ago, I began this impossibly tough year that left me juggling grief and depression. My coping mechanism at the time was to shut it down and not talk about it. When people would ask how I was, I just ended the conversation. I wasn’t open to discussing it at all. For a couple of years that was how I operated. It was terrible. I didn’t really start to heal until the first time I actually decided to be honest about what I was feeling and what I’d been through.

Instead of shutting people down when they asked how I was, I heard myself starting to respond with, “Oh, I don’t mind, I can talk about it.” Just that tiny little switch in my response from being closed off and denying conversations — just starting with something that was open, and that said, “No, I’m not going to let this weigh me down anymore. I’m going to speak about it” — changed everything. I hadn’t been admitting there was a problem. I hadn’t been embracing the truth of my grief in losing my dad.

The irony was that what happened with my dad — this manic episode that was caused by stress and work overload and lack of self-care — was exactly what I was doing to myself in the process of losing him. Fast forward, I was starting to work with mental health organizations, and just wanting to give back and find a way to be a voice in that space. I noticed that every approach I was seeing was catering to insiders, the people who already know mental health is a problem. I realized that the people who we need to be reaching are the ones who aren’t already thinking and talking about [mental health]. That was kind of the direct segue into building my own organization: this awareness that there was a vacancy, and nothing I saw was filling its need.

TG: How do you see grief as related to mental health?

CW: It’s something I think a lot about. It’s funny, my instance with grief was also related to mental health. But grief itself obviously is emotional and mental. The recovery of loss, no matter what the cause is, is a process that is complicated and inconsistent. There’s no formula for doing it right. Yesterday [the eight-year anniversary of Wood’s father passing] came and went. For the first time when the anniversary arrived, I didn’t feel like I was a puddle on the floor. There was almost like a, “Wow, that’s kind of sad that life just chugs on without that person in your life.” That’s the way grief goes — it cycles in and out.

TG: What are some of the things that cause you stress?

My main stressors are actually things that are probably not unusual to anyone who works in the entertainment industry. The inconsistency of employment, the next opportunity. I work in a trade where you’re constantly out of work until you’re in the next job. The perpetualness of a current project ending, and the uncertainty of whether or not there is going to be a next one. I have this deep strange desire to create things that are lasting, and to seek out things that are meaningful. Sometimes that’s a factor of stress — I need to be doing more. I need to be doing better. I need to be working harder.  

TG: What are the signs that you’re starting to reach your breaking point?

CW: I have a really bad time with self-esteem in those moments. I’m really, really hard on myself. I’m much meaner to me than I am to anyone else in my life, which my wife always likes to remind me. “Be as nice to you as you are to me, and you’ll be doing better,” she says. Depression is my thing that I battle. When it kicks in, existence is hard. Wanting to get out of bed is hard, being a human is hard. That’s how it shows for me. It’s just severe feelings of worthlessness. It gets very sad, because I start to feel like my only impact on the world is negative. I know that’s not reality when I’m feeling well. But when I’m stressed and when I’m triggered, and I start to spiral, that’s where I go to.

TG: How do you learn to take care of your mental health every day?

CW: The biggest lesson I’ve learned was that I can’t hold things inside. That was what was keeping my grief from morphing to the next evolution. It was just staying in this dark first stage of hurt and anger. How does a wound heal until you start to treat it? I think the biggest thing really was the openness. By talking about things, I was able to find other solutions that also helped. For me, exercise is a huge component of my mental health. When I can’t exercise, that’s when I spiral. It’s such a release for me. I think people need to be more active. If you’re not dealing with something, stay active. If you’re dealing with something, get out and go for a walk. Another thing I do when I start to feel down is I meditate. I try to do six 10-minute sessions in a day. I try to eat really clean. I walk my dog like five or six times a day. The biggest thing I learned is to take the time to take care of yourself. Invest in yourself, because you only get one. That’s where your efforts should go. That will help you accomplish all the other things in your life.

TG: What are your hopes for the movement you’re creating with IDONTMIND?

CW: I have a super simple goal of changing the world. Honestly though, that is the target. Truly, the goal is to live in a world where the stigma is dissolved. People are able to communicate about mental illness in the way that they communicate about physical ailments. Being able to say things like, “I’m just having a day,” and it being understood. Mental health days at work being a real thing, which is actually coming more into swing now in the U.S. There are reasons that other cultures embrace the concept of siestas, or two-month vacation periods. We’re a little bit backwards in our society. We work, work, work and don’t rest. Then people burn out. It’s an impossible study to really trace in early years, but looking at the question: How are these diseases that are so prevalent in our world, how are they a potential result of living with nonstop stress? What happens when we view our emotions as importantly as some people view going to the gym? The goal is to reprogram our thinking as a society.

IDONTMIND is an official program of Mental Health America, the nation’s leading community-based nonprofit dedicated to promoting the overall mental health of all Americans. With over 200 affiliates and associates in 42 states, 6,500 affiliate staff and over 10,000 volunteers, MHA brings over 100 years of experience and knowledge to IDONTMIND.

Read more of our mental health coverage here.

Follow us here and subscribe here for all the latest news on how you can keep Thriving.

Stay up to date or catch-up on all our podcasts with Arianna Huffington here.

— Published on October 10, 2019

[mossflowermouse]

[As with the third part, I wrote this post several months ago while reading WCaHSS for the first time]

Fourth and final post of my thoughts while reading ‘When Chist and His Saints Slept’. (part one, part two, part three). I read most of this part in one sitting, so it’s a bit of a mess and I gave up on trying to separate the chapters partway through.

In this part, nobody dies, ever, and they’re all happy. Robert gets to see his grandchild grow up. Matilda lives to see peace. Brien...um. Yeah I honestly don’t know how to fix that without rewriting 25ish years of history.

XXXI-XXXIII

Ancel confronting Ranulf. Oh dear.

Enjoying all the scenes of Stephen, Matilda, de Ypres and Bishop Henry deciding matters (and not just because the trusted inner circle is literally "extremely close family and William de Ypres"

"Stephen had been closeted all morning with his wife, his brother, and William de Ypres, gloomily assessing their options." What did I just say about this little group and how well-trusted de Ypres is. I appreciate the narration laying it out as clearly as that.

Matilda's worried that something's wrong with him :(

And Chester, having been freed, has now switched sides once again (now loyal to Maude's son Henry). I think by this point he's definitely racked up more betrayals than the Bishop.

Ypres is going blind. I hope Matilda was able to reassure him about what would happen.

XXXIV-XXXVI

Oh my god. Okay. Henry, now 14, invaded England, couldn't pay his troops, and ended up writing to STEPHEN for help with payment. And Stephen agreed. Wow. This family.

That was quite the list of barons going off on crusade - mostly Stephen's supporters, unless I'm mistaken.

Annora's pregnant and Ranulf's being reckless.

He saw Annora but didn't speak to her. I think that's that.

Oh no he's back and being asked if he's heard. Heard what. I'm very afraid to turn the page.

Gilbert's dead. After everything he'd survived.

No. Oh no. Ranulf's gone to Bristol and Robert is apparently dying. That was my main fear a few pages back, that if someone was dead it was Robert - Ranulf's close to him and he's older than most of them.

Robert's dead. His family was there, though, and Maude arrived just in time with her son. I'm getting a little choked up.

Aww, Stephen and Matilda and Ypres <3 it’s really sweet seeing how much all three of them trust and care about each other by now

XXXVII

Ranulf's gone and nobody knows where.

Maude and Brien :( this entire scene. Just. My heart.

So this is Maude's final goodbye to England and the people there.

Brien and Adeliza and Hugh watching her ship from the beach even after everyone else has left 

everyone on the ship finding somewhere to shelter during the crossing and Adeliza and Hugh finally leaving and then it’s just Maude and Brien still looking out over the sea until they can’t see each other any more

something something Brien something something England I’m too emotional to even look for symbolism in this right now

That was a very depressing few chapters. I'm in mourning not just for Robert, but for everything that's been lost.

XXXVIII-XLII (a mix of ‘too gripping to write stuff’ and ‘I’m still emotionally compromised by the many things that happened leading to Maude’s departure’)

Maude's seen her sons for the first time in eight years.

I'd assumed Ranulf would come back eventually, but what if he doesn't?

Loth! No!

I like all the people Ranulf's meeting

XLIII, XLIV

Henry and Ranulf's campaign is really driving home how long this war has gone on for - half their powerful allies are the now-grown children of Maude's allies (plus Harry and Eustace themselves were children at the start of this war). But also they're all so young.

Poor citizens of Lincoln. Again.

Oh wow, Geoffrey did something good. I'll concede that he's generally been a good father, but pretty much everything else about him means it was still kind of a surprise that he'd give Henry his title of Duke of Normandy.

XLV

Rhodri is suggesting Ranulf marry Eleri and Rhiannon's upset :(

(Also it's kind of weird from a modern perspective because first cousins, and Ranulf brought up that they'd need a papal dispensation in England, but I'm going to try and see this from the point of view of 12thc rural Wales)

Ranulf wants to marry Rhiannon, not Eleri! Yay!

Wait, will he be going back to Normandy at all? Does Maude get to see him again? (I'm assuming Maud and Harry will because they'll be in England and easier to visit.)

And he's going to tell Rhiannon :)

Ranulf's 31? What. When did this happen. Rationally I know how much time this book's covered, but it's difficult to not still think of him as 18/19. Or even as the toddler Stephen stopped from falling into the sea.

XLVI

Timeskip, and Ranulf and Maud are visiting Maude!

...grieving? Who's dead this time?

Ranulf and Rhiannon are going to have a kid :)

"A friend of your mother's has died." I'm narrowing it down to Brien and Adeliza. Possibly Amabel. Doesn't bode well regardless.

BRIEN NO :( and Adeliza's already died apparently.

:( :( :(

Truce with Louis of France - and Henry's mention of the chance he'll meet Eleanor of Aquitaine for the first time reminds me, they're going to be married at some point. His line seems a bit meta.

There she is!!! Finally!

A blur of the remaining 200 pages:

I like her already

Ooh, so their eventual marriage was Eleanor's idea.

Geoffrey's dying. I feel bad for Henry, but also am not remotely as upset as for the various other deaths.

MATILDA OH NO

She's apparently ill and asking to see her confessor. Please no.

Matilda :(

(also side note that she died on my birthday)

And the monks are grieving too. The description of the funeral :(

William de Ypres just showed up to visit her tomb. I cannot take any more sadness today.

Henry and Eleanor may have underestimated the opposition to their marriage (and I wasn't expecting Geoff to actually switch sides, certainly not so soon)

Maude's lost so much.

(But also, aww, nice scene with her and Will)

They've won the war with Louis. That was fast.

Good lord, Stephen almost ordered the death of a five-year-old. Also wow Marshal, that was quite a gamble.

Stephen's besieging Wallingford; Henry's going to its aid. They're all talking about its symbolic value, and I agree (and am a little sad every time someone mentions Brien - it may have been over a year for them, but I only got to his death a few hours ago). It's also making me think the end might be near, and not just because there's less than a hundred pages (and two years of Stephen's reign) remaining - iirc, the Stephen-Henry succession was formalised by the Treaty of Wallingford.

Will and Roger joining Henry and Rainald to free Wallingford is giving me emotions about the people who didn't live to see the end of this war.

I really love this part with Stephen and Ypres:

they’ve come so far and trust each other so much and I can feel Matilda’s ghost in this scene because this never would have happened without her

His first loyalty is still to Matilda, when he’s thinking about Eustace he refers to him as “Matilda’s son”, my heart

Of all the ways I was expecting Eustace to go, choking on lamprey eels was not one of them.

Eleanor's had her child!

Twelve years since Winchester. It doesn't feel like that much, probably because I was reading that part yesterday. (yikes I've read about half this book in two days, it's too good)

Rumour has it that Chester's dying. Like Ranulf, I'm finding that hard to take in - he's just the sort of person who doesn't seem killable, by disease or person. And he's grown on me over the last few hundred pages.

The agreement's been reached. I'm glad it was in Winchester.

Henry's just met Thomas Becket. I look forward to seeing this go horrifically wrong in the next book.

Aaand there's a conspiracy to kill Henry. Because nothing can ever just go straightforwardly well in the 1100s.

Stephen's dying.

@de Ypres would it kill you to admit to having an emotion

Okay, I have tears in my eyes from that line about Maude  - "a smile nineteen years overdue"

The end.

[clexa--warrior]

Hey, Have You Heard About This Coronavirus Thing? Crazy Shit, Right? (Ferret/Shower Cap)

History texts depicting this period will read like deranged Choose Your Adventure books written by sadists; no matter how frantically you flip backwards, you just can’t seem to find the page when you still had the option to vote for the really smart lady with the email server. Anyway, join me for a quick news round-up, it won’t take long, and when we’re done, I give you permission to run away to join a roving Thai monkey street gang.

(As always, find this post WITH nifty news links here: http://showercapblog.com/hey-have-you-heard-about-this-coronavirus-thing-crazy-shit-right/)

For those of you just waking up from a Rip Van Winkle nap, the United States is facing a massive, coast-to-coast, health crisis, whose tragic consequences have exploded exponentially because our Idiot Manchild President really believed, in that churning campground septic tank he calls a mind, that protecting his personal approval ratings by understating the problem was more important than the health and safety of the American public. I don’t know what you can call that but murder. On the one hand, it’s weird to say “wow, the President murdered a bunch Americans through boneheaded, unforgivably selfish, neglect,” but we already saw him get away with precisely that crime in Puerto Rico, so here we are.

Now, I have come to expect malice from the federal government under Hairplug Himmler, but sometimes their capacity for raw, senseless, evil still shocks me. This is my way of saying that, until they got fucking caught, the Department of, and Someone Should Slap the Word Out of Their Filthy Mouths, Justice attempted to remove CDC fliers offering potentially life-saving information regarding the coronavirus from...immigration courtrooms. My God. What a small but potent horror. Feels like the work of an ambitious intern in Stephen Miller’s office, doesn’t it? Trying to impress the boss? Just a sinister little trick, to spread a little more pain, a little more misery, a little more death in an already vulnerable, and whatta-coincidence-nonwhite, community? Fuck these awful, awful, people.

It seems President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster has been calling up leading Taliban terrorists on a secret U.S. kill-or-capture list, presumably to trade tips n’ tricks on how to undermine the USA at home and abroad. Now, negotiating with these murderous dirtbags is a big diplomacy no-no (and of course Donnie Dotard got rolled anyway) but in all honestly, if I had access to a secret kill list contact sheet, I’d probably give in to the temptation to make some prank calls. “Is your refrigerator running? Yeah? Are you sure it’s not a FLEET OF DRONES ABOVE YOU RIGHT NOW?”

For Jeff Sessions, the wages of sin turned out to be a faceful of Trump-branded fecal matter, as the Candycorn Skidmark, whose campaign Ol’ Beauregard embraced way back before fascism was cool in conservative circles, endorsed his opponent in the coming Alabama Senate runoff. How must it feel to have been the very fellow who flipped the switch on the Rube Goldberg/Mousetrap Board Game device that destroyed America, and to watch the machine work its destructive magic for years, only to realize it’s also got one special crotch punt in store for just you personally. I’d feel bad for Bilbo Bigot, if it he weren’t, y’know, one of the very worst people alive.

Alex Jones got arrested for drunk driving, and, upon his release, got right back to work selling...sigh...selling some bullshit toothpaste that he’s telling the rubes magically cures the coronavirus. Authorities are cracking down on Jones and fellow charlatan Jim Bakker over their odious snake oil peddling enterprises, but I don’t know what’s more shocking and disappointing to me, that there are such vile fuckwads in the world, who seek to profit off the fear of the misinformed during times of crisis, or that said fuckwads have so many blind, willing, disciples?

Speaking of fuckwads, Ron Johnson seems to have backed down, for now at any rate, from his quest to stage a show trial for Hunter Biden in the U.S Senate. And that’s awesome and all, but never forget how ready, how eager, RoJo has been, to corruptly manipulate the vast powers of the government for his democracy-stomping Turdlord’s political benefit. Ron is the kind of fellow you’d have found stamping documents outside trains bound for Dachau.

But yeah, I suppose the big story is still that coronavirus thing. Great choice on evolution’s part, the way symptoms don’t necessarily manifest right away, so we can spread that shit around without knowing we’re even infected. Anyway, I made sure to thoroughly disinfect tonight’s blog before posting, and medical professionals inform me that though the virus can linger on plastic and metal surfaces for as long as days, it cannot survive on a poo joke, so please rest easy, knowing you can safely consume this content in comfort. Unless you're reading it next to somebody with the coronavirus, but that's on you, kid.

The Shart Administration has actually slowed progress in this crucial fight, by classifying high-level coronavirus meetings, because they’re more worried about congressional oversight of their crimes n’ fuckups than they are about OUR LIVES, and y’know what, I do believe I’ll be voting Democrat this November.

And of course, many conservatives are more concerned with blaming the virus on the Chinese than preventing its spread; by gum, there’s no need to abandon yer principles, even when your ineptitude is getting countless folks sick and/or killed! “We may be a cabal of dangerously incompetent assclowns, but let none forget that we are also RACIST assclowns!”

With the stock market finally catching up to the rest of the world in noticing a pudding-brained twit had inexplicably been placed in charge of the most powerful nation in history, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot oozed into the Oval Office for a prime time speech, and if his goal was “fuck up the entire world as much as humanly possible in ten short minutes,” then he succeeded beyond his wildest imaginings.

It was a speech that completely failed to reassure, instead reminding the world that this drooling manbaby, this bathtub drain hair clog in an ill-fitting suit, truly is President of the Entire United Fucking States, and not only is he light years out of his element but he’s probably spending most of his time practicing his “the world is ending, you have to go out with me now” phone call to Salma Hayek rather than pursuing desperately-needed solutions.

Despite being on teleprompter, with the text of the fucking speech right fucking in front of him, Dorito Mussolini somehow managed to catastrophically misrepresent his own administration’s policies, dropping one more cartoon anvil on the stock market’s already-throughly-bludgeoned ballsack. This is, of course, on top of nonsensical non-solutions like banning travel from Europe, when the virus had already had weeks to spread throughout the country thanks to presidential bungling and neglect.

For 73 years, this cretin has somehow never encountered a problem he couldn’t lie, buy, or bully his way out of, but COVID-19 doesn’t care how much money your daddy gave you, little man. And may I say, on behalf of the thousands who are about to become sick, fuck you. Fuck you eternally with a rusty shovel, for daring to take on such an important job without the skills, temperament, or character to execute its duties. Asshole.

In contrast, Smilin’ Joe Biden gave a speech of his own; calm, collected, solemn, and filled with concrete steps to address the problems facing the nation. And America collectively went, “Oh right, it’s actually highly abnormal to have a gibbering, rectum-mouthed, dolt for a President, and we can actually have a decent, competent, one again! Soon!” It was like leadership porn. I got aroused.

Meanwhile, our already-hopelessly-overmatched Golf Cheat in Chief is multitasking, lobbing missiles at Iran-backed militias in Iraq. I’m just hoping the buttons on his desk are clearly labeled, y’know? Or at least that there’s somebody hanging around who can tackle him before he bombs Seattle and launches 500 respirators at Tehran.

So, um, in the midst of this once-in-generation shitstorm, I guess Sarah Palin dressed up in a bear suit to perform “Baby Got Back” on a reality television program. I’m not a religious person, honestly, but I’m increasingly open to the idea that there is a God, and that s/he’s been on a meth bender since mid-2016.

Social distancing is the zany new anti-dance craze sweeping the nation as we all do our damndest to not get sick and die! As a result, public gatherings are getting called off left and right. March Madness, MLB, NBA, PGA, SXSW, Broadway...personally, I don’t think I fully appreciated the scope of this crisis until I saw the XFL shut down their season. Like, are we even America anymore without one billionaire’s sad attempt to reboot his once-failed vanity project?

As sensible organizations all over the world made painful but obviously necessary sacrifices to, y’know, slow the spread of a deadly disease and save lives, naturally the Velveeta Vulgarian was among the last holdouts, canceling his precious hate rallies only grudgingly, because the safety of even his own fervent base is secondary to the sugar rush of their rageful cheers, filling, if only for a moment, that empty space within him where most people have a soul.

Now more than ever, I am brimming over with gratitude that we took the House back in 2018. Thank god there’s a little leadership, a little accountability, a little common frickin’ sense in Washington now. And thank god for Katie Porter, one of the standouts in a freshman class packed with absolute ass-kickers, cornering the CDC chief into exercising his legal authority to make coronavirus testing free for every American. Imagine if Kevin McCarthy were running the House right now. He’d be fleeing from reporters, in mismatched loafers, trying to sell the public on a bill bailing out nothing but Trump University and Marm-a-Lago.

Well, the Emperor of Hemorrhoids finally buckled and declared (acknowledged) a state of emergency over the coronavirus, which is admittedly a pleasant change from his previous “do everything I possibly can to help the fucker spread” position. We’re still woefully behind, and god only knows how deeply the virus has penetrated while the doddering old bastard diddled and dawdled, but the good news is, the President of the United States finally moved his bloated ass out of the road so we can get to work cleaning up his mess, which is, I suppose, as close to an act of kindness as he’s come in his entire misspent, treacherous, life.

In the middle of today’s press conference, Vice President Mike Pants paused to give Boss Turdworm a rhetorical handjob seemingly designed to last through an entire 14-day quarantine. Jeeeeesus. Mikey Hairshirt was a man once. Not much of one, to be certain, but at least he didn’t have to worry about the possibility of bored schoolchildren pouring salt on him, which would of course prove swiftly fatal in his current state.

A reporter asked Government Cheese Goebbels, “Hey, if you’re not too busy fellating yourself over fucking up slightly less than you’ve been fucking up for weeks, why the fuck did you close down the pandemic office, you nation-wrecking clod?” and he whinged that the question was “nasty,” before reiterating his refusal to take responsibility for the things that are, objectively, his fault. I truly do not understand how this trembling coward’s approval rating isn’t 0%

So Nancy Pelosi spent the week trying to hammer out an emergency bill with Steve Mnuchin, but Republicans naturally balked at many necessary measures. It’s a tricky spot for the GOP; they can’t risk the mass-extermination of the underpaid labor/consumer force that keeps their donor class filthy rich, but doing anything to improve working folks’ lives is just instinctually anathematic to them. But at the time of posting, it does appear as though a deal has been reached, let’s hope no spray-tanned morons fuck it up, right?

In conclusion, I am sick of typing the word “coronavirus,” and you are sick of reading it, so let’s let’s all retreat to our quarantines for the weekend, okay? Enjoy the solitude! Read that novel you bought back in college! Watch that 425-minute Russian film set in a fish cannery! Hey, you can even peruse the archives at showercapblog.com if you feel like reliving just how the fuck it all came to this! Anyway, if you don’t hear from me for a bit, fear not, I’m turning production of this blog over to Jared Kushner, I’m sure he’ll figure it out.

[valiancyvulnerability]

Adolescents and Mental Health

The years during adolescence present many complex problems that are often times very specific to that window of time in their life. Whether it be something as minuscule as schoolwork, school drama, boy or girl problems--These small issues can be the origin of deeper and darker underlying feelings and problems.

That being said, there are many more elements that play a role in what affects a teenager’s mental state than there would have been thirty years ago. Social media, the excessively greater amount of schoolwork, and the many problems globally that directly affect our generation. With this though, many parents may find it difficult to grasp a complete understanding of what could possibly be going through their child’s brain, especially when they don’t fully experience any anxiety, depression, etc. themselves. “What could you possibly be anxious about? Nothing is happening!” or “What could you possibly be depressed about? You are so lucky to have what you have!” These are frequent questions, which seems reasonable to ask from a parent’s point of view, but from the child, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Here’s why:

For me, I ran into my worst struggles March of 2020. As COVID-19 began to take effect rapidly in our hometown, I found myself isolated (as I should have been--stay safe!). The complete switch in routine slapped me across the face. I coped with my issues my whole childhood by surrounding myself with my friends. As I am a very people-oriented kid that likes to keep himself busy at all times, the Zoom calls, texting, and social media got monotonous and lost its charm very quickly. During my time alone, I began to come to terms with my sexuality, and chose to publicly come out as gay, knowing it would be a good time to do so while I don’t have to be out and about and around my peers for long. Shortly after that, I began to have some eating issues that hit me in full swing. I stopped  eating almost entirely, hated the way my body looked, and began passing out almost every other day. Once I tried to get that under control, my general anxiety took complete ownership of my being for a good month. I would sit in my room and shake, I would drive around and cry in the dark for hours, and I would pull all-nighters obsessively cleaning my room. Although I have these very real problems that took control of me and my life, they stemmed from minuscule things. It stemmed from different experiences I had in high school. I was bullied, I had friends that were demeaning towards me, and I had problems with girls throughout those four years. Each of those things seem small to me now, but they were very powerful at the time, and the traces of those feelings I felt then never truly left, and in fact, just built up to become a monster of sorts.

Now, this is where the role as a parent comes in. I had gotten in a fight with my parents one night about a month ago, and I went to my room and isolated myself from the situation altogether. I could hear them talking about me from my room, and I couldn’t take it. One of my biggest fears in life is disappointing my friends and my family, so it was hard for me to listen to. I went out into our living room and let it go. I yelled until my throat hurt. I spilled everything I had been feeling the past month and it was completely unrelated to the argument, but it came out. Because it was so out of the blue, my parents were quick to question it’s validity and it made me feel like my problems weren’t real because they weren’t real to them since I had done my best to keep it hidden out of their sight.

If you are a parent reading this and you feel or know that your child may be going through a mental instability, you have options as to how to help them.

1. LISTEN

     This is the first thing I can’t stress enough. If your child brings something up to you. Whether they’re upset about something small, whether they are seeking medical help, or if they want to tell you about some serious inner conflicts they are experiencing, you have to listen. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t disregard what they say. Don’t say anything to make their problems seem smaller or less valid. When this happens, it truly feels like there is nobody that can assist them in getting the help they need, because nine times out of ten, there is a reason they are choosing to tell you.

2. BE ATTENTIVE

     The signs of mental illness come in many different forms, and sometimes they aren’t just going to jump out at you for you to see. Sometimes they go through periods of overworking themselves, or doing the exact opposite and have no motivation to do anything at all. Sometimes they don’t sleep at all, or sometimes they don’t STOP sleeping. Pay attention to what they say, or if you notice any signs of substance abuse or self harm. There can be mood swings, sudden emotional outbursts (such as the one I mentioned with my parents), or constant states of feeling panicked or anxious. As I had said, not everything will be apparent or in plain sight, but if you make a point to look for these signs, it may be helpful in having a conversation later on, which brings me to my next point.

3. HAVE THE CONVERSATION

     If your child hasn’t made it a point to talk to you first, but you have noticed some behaviors that worry you, or even if it’s just a conversation you want to have so they know that they are safe to come to you, don’t be afraid to sit them down and talk to them. Mental health, especially in teenagers, has an odd stigma around it, because the majority of us are trained to suppress and forget, when in reality, that is the most toxic and unhealthy behavior to become accustomed to. Make sure that you express to your child that their feelings and emotions matter, and just because they may be battling the negative ones, doesn’t mean they are any weaker than anyone else.

4. DO NOT REFUSE TO HELP

     I cannot stress this enough: if your child comes to you expressing that they want to seek medical help, whether it be put on meds, to see a therapist, or request a change in your home that may be a better healing environment, do not shut it down. By all means, take time to think about it, but do not refuse to help. As teenagers, we can’t just go see a therapist on our own, get our own prescription meds, or change the dynamic of our families. It has to be a group effort, whether parents like the idea of it or not. It seems scary and concerning to go through the motions of getting your child medical help, but that’s exactly what it is: help. The alternative of assisting them is having a child that feels like a hostage within their own mind, and as a parent, I genuinely would hope that you would prefer a happier child that is healing over the opposite.

There are more positive steps you could take as a parent in helping your child, but most of them are specific to the individual situation they may be going through, and that is up to the parents to take those steps on their own. 

One thing I can say to any teenagers that may be reading this, mentally healthy or not, be kind to one another. As cliche as it often sounds, you never know what somebody else is going through. We all come from different walks of life, with differing personalities and different thought processes. Many issues begin from the way we treat each other. This doesn’t mean you have to be walking on eggshells with the people you choose to surround yourself with, but it does mean that as a friend and peer, you need to listen, you need to be attentive, and you need to be there for them. That is what’s important. Wanting to improve your mental health doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you small. It doesn’t make you helpless.

That being said, there is so much more that needs to be done. Conversations about mental health need to be normalized, especially in teenagers. Remove the stigma, be there for those around you, and be kind to one another.

[enchantedamusedslightlyconfused]

73 questions.

I was tagged by @wescoasts @machine-gun-casie (BABES)

Almost all my friends have been tagged and I don't wanna be that asshole so ill try not to be. I tag @awkwardrocker @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @trixiehoe @she-who-is-timey-wimey

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

Well it’s finals week so about -864. After that I have two weeks of legitimate nothing where I will bake my heart out so we’ll see

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

#yikes #ughshesinherfeelsagain 

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

Milo Ventimiglia, Kells, Rook.....being a music video love interest is only my life’s pipe dream 

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

And that’s on daddy issues and no supervision...

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

I used to model like went to modeling school and got paid for it type shit

What’s your wakeup ritual?

get woken up by my dog tired of hearing my alarm, walk said opinionated quadruped, feed quadruped, get dressed, COFFEE, then take life as it comes

What’s your go to bed ritual?

melatonin gummies (gotta make anxiety fun), skincare when executive dysfunction will allow, brush teeth, fight dog for my spot in bed (moving a 90lb animal is no joke), turn on my sleep playlist or use my ambient noise app, stare at ceiling

What’s your favorite time of day?

witching hour followed by golden hour

Your go to for having a good laugh?

lately tiktok and Kellyvisions, previously vine compilations or Netflix specials

Dream country to visit?

Ireland. I NEED to go to the motherland. My families castle is still standing and I get in for free. its on my bucket list FOR SURE. 

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

getting into nursing school and chiropractic school. I’m a loser and I’ve never had a surprise party. I’d melt in puddle of love tbh

Heels or flats/sneakers?

Flats 98% of the time. Heels are reserved for business casual necessity, Halloween, or if I’m feeling myself 

Vintage or new?

both, depends on the item

Who do you want to write your obituary?

Amy-Sherman Palladino 

Style icon?

lmao a what? on the real though catch me fucking with those eco-friendly kitchen witch vibes. All the dainty jewelry, linens and converse/docks fam

What are three things you can’t live without?

my dog, my family (found and blood), healing people however I can (medicine ruined me for any other career and its sucks you guys)

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

tbh salt, I question a recipes validity if salt isn't involved 

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

Kells and the band (I'd be too nervous for a one on one), a dinner party with my MGK fam, Elvis

What’s your biggest fear in life?

Failure, not accomplishing anything 

Window or aisle seat?

window all day everyday, on the wing preferably cause I like to feel the landing gear #pilotsgranddaughter 

What’s your current TV obsession?

Roadies forever, pry that series from my cold dead hands (also Gilmore Girls and Criminal Minds)

Favorite app?

tie between Tumblr and Pinterest (im an aesthetic slut)

Secret talent?

I am bomb at disney princess songs, the girls I babysit for treat me like a jukebox at bedtime, cutest thing ever

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

delivered a baby has hands down been the coolest thing I’ve ever done

How would you define yourself in three words?

I fucking hate this question. always have. empathetic, resilient, intuitive 

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

overall: my senior prom dress. its emerald green, backless, with a slit to upper thigh chefs kiss 

everyday wear: Colorado sweatshirt

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

I second Jude: over sized hoodies

Superpower you would want?

nonspecific healing powers so they aren't limited to physical ailments

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

Colson

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

HA. probably that the body remembers more about trauma than the mind and your seemingly irrational physical reactions to things are your brain’s attempt to protect you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

his mistake does not define your worth. I went for a variant of these boys aint shit don't judge me cause she needs to hear it

A book that everyone should read?

Harry Potter series (yes the whole thing), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, The Giver by Lois Lowry 

What would you like to be remembered for?

empathy, the way I made people feel

How do you define beauty?

FOR THE LAST TIME ITS SUBJECTIVE, things that give you peace, it could be a song, a person, a sunset, a scone, a leaf. If it makes you stop a second and exhale then its beautiful to you

What do you love most about your body?

holy trigger question Batman...my eyes, my hair color, texture, and its ability to grow

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

drive with the windows down and blast music while singing at the top of my lungs

Favorite place to view art?

unexpected places, like street corners, carnivals, just somewhere it takes you off guard and makes you stop and pay attention

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

it’d be one of those crazy long 2000s fall out boy titles for sure, subject matter yet to be determined 

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

violin hands down, it hits me different

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

I have a bunch planned, plane on my right shoulder, Kells related between 3rd and 4th ribs (maybe lower in case I ever need a chest tube), watercolor portrait of my dog at some point location TBD

Dolphins or koalas?

dolphins are stoners and they're super smart, but koalas cause they’re grumpy af and honestly same

What’s your spirit animal?

again Jude and I are vibin: I've been identifying with a phoenix as of late. according to pottermore im a greyhound though (yes a patrons is a wizarding spirit animal. fight me)

Best gift you’ve ever received?

seven year old me was stoked to get a functional microscope and metal detector, I was in my egyptology/archeology phase, I still have them lmao

Best gift you’ve ever given?

oh hell idk...I made my cousin cry once cause I made cupcakes for her birthday party, they were cherry limeade flavored and had little straws and everything. that was pretty cool, granted she was seven. I also made my teacher cry cause I made sea salt caramel chocolate cupcakes for her going away party. I guess my baking brings people to tears

What’s your favourite board game?

candy land, battleship, cards against humanity even though there isn't a board

What’s your favourite colour?

forest green atm

Least favourite colour?

bright yellow/orange, its offensive to my general The Dirt Mick Mars disposition

Diamonds or pearls?

pearls (actually opals though)

Drugstore makeup or designer?

not picky provided they are evironmentally friendly. I really like Besame Cosmetics though

Blow-dry or air-dry?

air-dry, I don't have the patience for blow drying

Pilates or yoga?

yoga

Coffee or tea?

COFFEE, im still learning to like tea

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

holy shit how much time do we have, my favorite weird word to say is fistula or omphalocele (they're medical conditions, don't goole it unless you have a strong stomach) 

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

dark chocolate

Stairs or elevator?

stairs 

Summer or winter?

neither FALL BITCHES   winter if I had to pick cause I love Christmas 

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

burgers

A desert you don’t like?

red velvet cake....just why is it a thing that exists 

A skill you’re working on mastering?

baking scones or shit that’s flaky in general 

Best thing to happen to you today?

being tagged to do this twice, I felt special for a hot second (thanks babes)

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

that I would make a good doctor (I handled a scary pt situation like a champ, they didn't know I threw up after I made sure my pt didn't die. puking in a foreign country on the download is a skill in and of itself)

Favorite smell?

bergamot, baking bread, baking spice cakes at Christmas

Hugs or kisses?

HUGS CAN SAVE THE WORLD

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

gifted kid fall off

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

In These Walls - Machine Gun Kelly

Casual Sabotage - Yungblud

genius assholes...

Lipstick or lip gloss?

lipstick for special occasions but actually tinted chapstick or lip stains 

Sweet or savoury?

savory to eat sweet to make for someone else

Girl crush?

Brittney Furlan Lee, Alexis Bledel, Lauren Graham 

How you know you’re in love?

you look at them and just say yep. them. usually while they're doing something stupid 

Song you can listen to on repeat?

imma out myself but Swing Life Away - Machine Gun Kelly

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

the grass is not greener ya’ll. id rather go back and relive days 

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

hopefully passing my first trimester of chiropractic school. fingers crossed pls