#its just a thing i need to unlearn low self worth | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

diveronarpg · 5 years ago

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Congratulations, ROSEY! You’ve been accepted for the role of FLORIZEL with an approved FC change to Kenta Sakurai. Admin Minnie: This application was like a special treat made especially for me, with everything I love in one place. You captured what makes Felipe both human and god, man and monster, poison and antidote. My absolute favorite part of this application was the way you likened Felipe to a human drug, I just about dropped everything and started screaming at that line — because that’s exactly what he is, and it captures his spirit so well. And that interview? Wow, you captured every layer and every complexity to his character with just a few questions. I’ve read this application six times now, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to stop; Felipe is a drug, indeed and so are you! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Rosey !

Age | 22

Preferred Pronouns | She/Her

Activity Level | Please describe how active you think you’ll be in a few sentences.

Timezone | PST

How did you find the rp? | Uh...I made it.

Current/Past RP Accounts | Here you go!

IN CHARACTER

Character | Felipe Antonio Castro / Florizel

• An FC change to Kenta Sakurai would be greatly appreciated -- I changed his last name to reflect his change of ethnicity as well!

What drew you to this character? | There’s something about the volatility of Felipe that I think I fell in love with. There’s a heavy theme of drugs that is interwoven into his biography, and I think it is very fitting to say that the worst drug is Felipe himself. He makes you fall in love with him, gives you that taste of playfulness and fun, the little trip that you need to get hooked, but then slowly and surely something rotten begins to set into you. When you slip your hand into his, there’s a thrill of trepidation that follows the action. At the edge of his smile, you begin to notice a dark curl to his lips that whispers of something a little more foul. You catch him watching you in the odd glances here and there, as though he’s waiting for something to unfold -- and it’s then and only then that you realize you’re obsessed with him. That you can’t let go of him. The problem is though, that you’re chasing after a ghost. And there is nothing -- nothing -- that will drive you more insane than chasing after someone you can never truly capture. Felipe is always slipping through your fingers, dancing at the edge of your grasp, intangible and driving you half-crazed with the inability to have him.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

1. REVELATION -- He has hidden in the shadows for so long he has forgotten what it feels like to have his face shine in the sun. Sitting still has never settled well within him, especially with a soul so restless and the first step to shedding the shackles of his many sins. I think, true to character, the revelation of his life will be an impulsive, spur of the moment revelation. However, there are a couple of things he would make sure he has up his sleeve before announcing his resurrection: a passport, enough money to live comfortably (he has his eyes on some place like Greece), and a quick means of escape secured. He does not quite like the thought of Valentina upstaging him and stealing his thunder, but wouldn’t it be fitting, after such a melodramatic death he’d have a resurrection that would rival Jesus’ himself?

2. REDEMPTION -- Falling in love is no small thing to scoff at and for Felipe it was pivotal. It awakened something that was eclipsed for the majority of his life, this inkling of kindness and nobility that was forsaken in his quest for obsessive adoration. It’s hanging there at the very end of his biography, an opportunity for him to redefine himself as a man that is more than a collection of his worst decisions. I see a path that is laid out before him that will be tedious, heart-wrenching, and hard but the end is ever-looming and always in his sights. He will need to do the unthinkable and earn the place that he had long-occupied in her heart, become worthy of it so that the memory of the dead man she had loved is not something she thinks about only in shades of blue. The way I see this happening is for him first to cement a connection with one of the mob’s high-ups (likely Genevieve since he would want to be close to Paola). He would have to reconcile for his many, many sins and this would be a long term plot that would involve Felipe having to unlearn many of his natural inclinations but...it would be worth it.

3. RECOMPENSE -- I took a lot of inspiration from the character Frenchie for this -- but since he has habitually consumed a lot of drugs, I think he has learned a lot about them. It would be an interesting study if the Montagues tried to test their drugs on him, to see what they could do to prolong the effects of the ambrosia and make it more potent while figuring out ways to curb the come down, but also maybe give him an opportunity to study the drugs that undo him, to learn about them and maybe with the proper tutelage come up with something new for the Montagues. He is a sharp, wickedly cunning man - he has to be in order to slip through the once-thought iron-clad grip of the mobs, so who is to say that he wouldn’t use his talents in such a self-serving manner that could prove profitable to the Montagues? Or the Capulets if things happen to pan out in another fashion. He has to atone for his sins somehow, doesn’t he?

4. RECKONING -- In the case of NEITHER of the mobs accepting him, it’s clear that he has become a rather formidable force himself. He knows how to work around the mobs, knows their ins and outs, their secrets, their weaknesses, their weak links. Should neither of them serve his needs the way that he wants them to, Felipe has in mind to make himself the go-to person if people need information, a smuggler, or a hitman. He’s a jack-of-all-trades and master of -- well, all of them, if he does say so himself. Though killing people makes his hands tremble and bile rise in his throat, he does what must be done. He rather enjoys the thrill of smuggling things in and out of the city, though, and cannot help but feel like a cat with a canary caught in its mouth whenever he learns new, invaluable information. Perhaps this is an eventuality or maybe it’s a lofty dream. Regardless, he knows he has the capacity to stir the city into a frenzy if he so wishes. It would require a great amount of effort, though...so here’s to hoping, he won’t.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Just try and stop me! >:(

IN DEPTH

His leg is slung over the arm of the chair, cigarette in hand as he waits for the girl to set herself up. His eyes flickered over her face subtly -- if he looked at her too openly she might think that he was interested in her, which would only make her feel as though she were worth his time and energy. And he didn’t want her to think that, not quite yet. She was cute, with a little button nose and wide eyes that gave one the impression that she was a bit younger than she actually was. It was the way that she handled herself, though, that gave her age away. The woman’s posture was impeccable, she carried an over-the-shoulder bag rather than a backpack and pens, a recorder, and a journal rather than a notebook. Details, details, details. His gaze caught for a half-second on her hand as she set her items onto the table. There was a band around her finger, a strip of skin that was paler than the rest.

Either she was recently divorced or didn’t care for people to know she was married.

Felipe -- no, what name was he using right now? Marco.

Okay, well, Felipe thought that Paola was much more preferable company -- and frankly, Marco had eyes, so his opinion was the same -- but she was working right now and he needed a way to pass the time while her shift was ending. Students tended to frequent the place and this Graduate Student had asked him to help her with a journalism exercise -- nothing more than a profile on no one. He had been assured that this project would mean nothing and she’d probably get an A regardless, but still. Having his name penned into a book with black ink was a type of permanency that he didn’t care to have haunting his thoughts.

He took another drag and tilted his head back as he expelled the smoke from his lungs. The waning sun shined in his face and he basked in the warmth.

“Marco?”

“Hm?”

“What’s your favorite place in Verona?”

Sighing, he combed a finger through his hair, contemplating on what kind of answer Marco would give. If it were Felipe who were answering, he would say that he had rather enjoyed the Roman Baths -- getting high there while listening to music was an experience that brought him nearly as much peace as waking up to Paola in the morning. Marco, however, was a little bit more basic than Felipe was. Marco enjoyed historical sites, books, things that would make girls like the one sitting across from him swoon.

She probably fantasized about one of her professors. Maybe he could give her a taste of that fantasy -- as a gift, from him to her.

“Think I would have to say the Roman arena,” he answered with an apologetic grin, as though it were embarrassing to admit such a thing. “A bit nerdy, but it’s a historical site that I don’t think gets enough recognition. At night it can be haunting, when the mist settles low and the moonlight shines overhead. You could even imagine that the mist takes shapes and the souls of the gladiators are there, waving their gladius’ and throwing their spears.” There it was, that bit of testosterone that she was probably craving, to reassure her that he was a man of books, but he knew how to handle her in bed.

Her lashes fluttered, as though she were a little taken aback by that -- although, from the flush of her cheeks, it was in a manner that leaned weighed in Felipe’s -- Marco’s -- favor. A slow, lazy smile dragged along his lips at that, but she was too busy taking notes to notice. He shifted, foot propped up on the seat, elbow resting on his knee.

“Uh huh, and what does your day typically look like?”

“Well, I used to wake up to my wife, but then circumstances changed,” -- he was careful not to look at her, head bowed as Marco suddenly becomes interested in a well-worn groove on the wooden table -- “and now I wake up, go for a run, brew some coffee, shower, and go to work. Then I go to a bar across from the Castelvecchio, read and people watch for a bit, then call it a night and head home. Nothing too wild or interesting -- those days are far behind me.” Marco had answered the question genuinely, but Felipe was interested to see if she’d take note of the trail of breadcrumbs he had left her. It was evident that Marco was a man of routine, maintained healthy habits, and liked the quieter aspects of life, but dealt well with change. Also, he was quite comfortable in the bustle of a bar, but preferred to watch from a distance rather than openly engage.

When he looked at her, she was leaning forward, pen still against the notebook. There was a curl to her lips that hinted at a smile, as though she were charmed, but sympathetic to the new routine that he had to learn. He wondered if he should mention that Marco had adopted a dog recently, but maybe he would pull that one from his sleeve later.

“That sounds lovely,” she chirped, suddenly realizing that maybe she had been staring for a little too long. He didn’t mind at all, but Marco did. So he smiled bashfully, looking down and fiddling with the ring on his thumb as though he needed to distract himself.

“It’s a slower pace for things, but it was needed. A little peace and tranquility is underappreciated, I think. And when I want a change of pace, I like to take trips here, to Rome. Different, more interesting people are out here. Like you.”

Ah, she seemed to like that a lot. A shining, bright laughter flew from her lips and he let his own mingle with hers.

“Sorry,” he demurred, grinning. “Couldn’t help it, couldn’t help it. Continue on.”

That was a little too assertive. But maybe it would work, he thought. She should know that Marco isn’t one to shy away from someone he’s interested in. After putting up with her significant other for so long, she might need someone to chase after her for a bit and maybe this could hint that he was more than willing to do the work necessary to hold her attention. He had to play this carefully, though, he didn’t want to seem overeager. Most women didn’t find that attractive.

“Right -- cosi, this is a more intrusive one, apologies -- what has been your biggest mistake thus far?”

“You don’t think you can be kinder to me?”

“Unfortunately not.”

“Damn,” he murmured ruefully, shaking his head. He quieted, as though contemplating the question. Felipe didn’t like to think that he made mistakes. Sometimes the decisions he made had unfortunate consequences, but was anything really ever a mistake if it was predetermined? Not that he believed there was a holy order to anything -- it was simply more convenient to think that when things didn’t quite go the way that he had planned. But sometimes, when he woke up with a thick tongue and a storm raging in his head, muscles aching and cramping, his skin sticky, and coated with a light film of sweat as Paola stared at him anxiously...sometimes, he did think that his lifestyle, as a whole, as a mistake.

Marco’s answer was easier, though, and far more romantic.

“Letting my heart get carried away,” he said softly, melancholy twisting his tone. Marco/Felipe rubbed at the back of his neck, eyes downcast. “Not letting my head reason with it more.” There was more truth in it than he cared to admit. His heart was what had guided him for so long, ravenous and relentless. Demanding, demanding, demanding. If he had let his head wrestle with it more, perhaps, then he wouldn’t have the cravings that he did, have the inexplicable penchant for a life of brutality and crime. Sighing, he shrugged, making it clear that his thoughts began and ended here.

Gently, she continued on with her questions, ducking her head a bit to meet his gaze. She wanted to engage him in eye contact so that he could know that she was listening, that she cared.

God, Paola’s shift couldn’t be over soon enough.

“So, then, what has been the most difficult task asked of you?”

“Learning to recognize what was best for me and act on it.” Long-winded lies were easier to swallow when they were peppered with the truth, and the sincerity of his tone surprised even him. He wasn’t going to elaborate on it, but he would let the woman draw whatever conclusions she wanted. “You’d think that once you realized that someone -- or something -- was bad for you, you’d immediately try to quit it, but…” Felipe/Marco let it end there. His gaze drifted away from his interrogator’s watching the people that walked here to and fro, living their quiet, mundane lives. Content with living in a tepid existence. Never knowing a taste of revelry, worship, and glory. Truthfully, though, he should have recognized after his first kill that maybe this life wasn’t always meant for him. The thought had been buried six feet under, because it meant that he would be able to live the life he wanted -- adored and whispered about as though he were a legend in the making.

Then he had met Paola.

And fallen in love with her.

Ah, fuck, maybe that was his mistake.

...Marco?

“...Sorry! Sorry, apologies, got caught in my own head.”

“I just wanted to know, since you’re from Verona, what are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?”

“I don’t think you should ever ask someone from Verona that.”

“Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize it was a sensitive --”

“No, it’s alright, I might actually be one of the few people that you could ask this question. The war is a waste. The people of the city are terrified and tired of fighting for a cause they can’t even remember. There needs to be some sort of definitive change because, eventually, there’s not going to be any blood left to spill.” Huh. Odd. He didn’t have to lie as much as he thought he would have with this question. The city was tired, as were the people, as was the cadence of the war. They needed someone to go in and shake things up a bit, maybe spice things up with a little intrigue and mystery. He’d see if he was bored enough to do it -- but for now, he was more than happy to bask in this little paradise he had found for himself in the arms of a delicate woman he would easily go on a bended knee for. Not now though, he wanted to wait a bit. But eventually.

The woman handed him her number as the interview began to draw to a close, idle conversation clearly something that she thought Marco would enjoy. Felipe didn’t much care for it, but he continued with the niceties until she began to look at her watch. The moment she turned away, he crumpled up the paper and tossed it into a planter, covering his mouth with a lazy fist as he yawned, standing up and stretching himself out as he made his way over to the bookshop.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he frowned.

Only Paola had his number, except for one other person in Verona --

“Fucking hell.”

EXTRAS:

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT FELIPE CASTRO

1. For years he has perfected the following accents: British (posh), Australian, Spanish, French, German, and American (Southern). For years he regularly went with the Spanish accent to make himself seem more enticing to people and when he met Paola he said he was born in Italy but raised in Spain. He was rather proud of himself for that one and would have kept the accept for the rest of his life if it meant that she would take his name.

2. When fighting, he tries to knock people out rather than kill them. Though it makes things slightly more difficult, he loathes robbing anyone of their life. One would think it would get easier each time, but he has found that it gets more difficult every time he does it. There is a routine that typically follows the act: his hands begin to shake uncontrollably and the next day he finds himself incapable of leaving his bed. After the 24 hour period he buys a rose and throws it into the Adige. So far he has bought 6 red roses and 1 white rose.

3. Felipe is a natural at chemistry. He enjoys it and probably would have gotten a career as a chemist if he had continued his education instead of teaching himself, but he finds the structure of academia boring and tedious. Learning topics at his own rate is far more preferable and allows him to consume things at his own rate -- although he does find himself writing what he learns in journals. In these same journals he practices different styles of penmanship so that, should anyone read the books, they’d think it was passed between multiple people.

4. His bambinaia was from Germany and sometimes he would slip up and accidentally call her mama. He keeps a picture of her in his wallet. A stupid, sentimental thing to do that will probably get him in toruble, but Felipe can’t seem to bear the idea of parting with it. The only person he had shown her picture to was Paola, and even then he couldn’t bring himself to elaborate on their relationship. He acts like she’s dead. It’s easier that way.

5. He prefers reading poems over books. They give much more insight to a person than a five hundred page book ever could.

CHARACTERS SIMILAR TO FELIPE CASTRO

1. Jet -- Avatar the Last Airbender

2. Frenchie -- The Boys

3. Flynn Rider -- Tangled

4. Luke Castellan -- The Percy Jackson Series

5. Theon Greyjoy -- Game of Thrones

#accepted #accepted: florizel

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ofieugogyshz · 4 years ago

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💌💌💌? :D

send me a 💌 and ill pick a random song off my ship playlist and tell you why i associate it with my ship

Unforgettable - Natalie Cole & Nat King Cole

GOD THIS ONE WAS ALMOST A CONTENDER FOR A FIC TITLE ON OUR LOVE IS HERE TO STAY (which is on its second oldies title; there was like, five contenders).

I like this version specifically because, it’s a duet song that features the line “That someone so unforgettable / Thinks that I am unforgettable too.” You don’t really get it that well by itself, it loses that nuance I think, when it’s just one of them singing it. Also they have really great harmony and balance??? But them just singing that set of lines, together, really, REALLY emphasizes the togetherness and, just, idk, mirror-ness of the song? Just. The duet version is soooooo soo sososososo much better than the original.

OKAY, LET’S TRY TO BREAK THE REST OF THIS ONE DOWN

Unforgettable, that's what you are Unforgettable, though near or far

since we’ve spent a lot of our time up until, like, early twenties kind of in a partially ldr, like.... we couldn’t forget the other! we were on each other’s minds a lot!! Esp before we, actually got together as a couple, I suppose.... But we always remembered each other. Even nowadays, if we’re still like, somewhere together, we’re always kind of, thinking of the other when there’s time for our minds to wander, maybe i guess.

How the thought of you does things to me

ok look ignoring the idea that maybe out of context (or in context, I don’t know but the other songs these two sing don’t seem to be in any way explicit for their originating time period) this line probably is covert... uhhhh.... well anyways, like. hello i think of my husband and all of a sudden i am overcome with fluster. my lips do this thing where they like, curl up and suddenly my face is hot and i feel like, the adrenaline rush of needing to flee and hide but it also like, feels kinda good because, like, APPARENTLY that’s what liking someone feels like, I GUESS???? yeah. that’s a thing that a thought of him does to me.

Never before has someone been more Unforgettable in every way

[...]

No, never before has someone been more Ooh unforgettable (unforgettable) In every way (in every way)

honestly I haven’t asked recently and I don’t remember the answer from whenever I probably did ask out of curiosity, but I’m sure that the feelings we get from thinking about the other, be it protection or a desire to just. be around the other and love them unconditionally and give them good things??? like, idk, but MAYBE we haven’t had that happen with a lot of other people in our lives. maybe there wasn’t a chance for someone else to step in, given how young we were, but. he’s always been there for me and I’ve never once forgotten that I like him? or that he was there? like.... he’s always been taking up some part of my mind, even when there’ve been dormant years due to lack of content. I’ve just. always found some way to love him.

That's why darling, it's incredible That someone so unforgettable Thinks that I am unforgettable too

HELLO?????!!!??!!??!?! I’ve always thought he was so amazing and awesome and cool and okay maybe it took awhile to think he was handsome i’ll admit i did not find his key art attractive in any way, but him in the anime...... uh, like... i’ve always thought him incredible and stuff!!! and he thinks the same of me too??? lil me who’s spend so much of their life thinking they’re boring and bland and LITERALLY BEING TAUGHT negative things about themselves that we won’t go into right here, like..... he thinks??? I’m unforgettable too??? ;a; he thinks I’m amazing??? That i’m incredible?? I dunno about cool but he’s always thought I’m adorable and a sweetheart and very kind and caring and it’s just like AAAAAAAAAAA babe where did you find these things because I think you just looked in the mirror. And maybe he doesn’t have the low self-esteem like I do, but it gets to him when he hears me go off about him, or I tell him all that, and it does fluster him deep down but he tries very well to hide it, more than I do. And like??? we both think the world of each other???? ISN’T THAT JUST INCREDIBLE?????????????? and maybe unforgettable doesn’t come to mind, but you could literally swap out any sentiment that we go off about when it comes to the other, and we literally think the same of the other, too.

Chances Are - Johnny Mathis & Ray Conniff

okay look this is basically a flirt song lbr you look at the lyrics and that’s kinda flirty fdkmkfmd but you know what, it’s true and he should say it. i should say it. we should say it??? anyways you know what this can be our flirt song from when we were young kids i say kids even though we prob woulda been older teens/YA bc i work with that age group and Y’ALL ARE A BUNCHA KIDS

Chances are 'cause I wear a silly grin The moment you come into view

Chances are you think that I'm in love with you

me. that’s just me. i always got get so silly at the sight of him. Because I love him

Just because my composure sort of slips The moment that your lips meet mine Chances are you think my heart's your Valentine

you know what, he gets this one. because as much suave and coolness he can play as he very easily lbr romances me, i’m sure even he gets a little happy, a little lovestruck, when we kiss.

Chances are you believe the stars that fill the skies are in my eyes Guess you feel you'll always be the one and only one for me Well, chances are your chances are awfully good

insert flirting/romancing each other scene here. that’s it that’s just it

okay spotify let’s shuffle and get something MORE MODERN, LIKE FROM MY ERA PLZ? no? okay fine well I saw this one while I was turning stuff on so I guess I’ll just have to do it myself.

We Are Magic - Lolirock

this is just another me song and if i had it when i was a kid this would have instantly become another babby sarah classic. (it was only a few years ago that I watched Lolirock, shortly after s2 was on netflix I suppose? But I remember hearing about it back when it was still in greenlight) regardless, it is instantly a classic even though the french sounds better

You tell me I'm out of sight You give me butterflies I'm hanging on every word you say You always make my day

My heart is like a bass drum When I see you, I skip a beat The way I feel's so awesome 'Cause you keep smiling back at me

You tell me I'm really cute You got me hooked on you

hello yes?? who let you into my head? regardless if he’s complimented me or not, just. A Lance a day keeps the depression at bay. Okay maybe it’s a bit more complicated than that, but seeing him sure does make the day better! ♥ He, just... ugh. I love him so much and seeing him feel that way towards me, thinking of him. He’s so ready to compliment me, regardless if I need it but because he wants to, he feels a need to, because he loves me??? I am hook line and sinker his. I might not have always felt the same at the beginning, and maybe he might have had to fight me on unlearning saying negative things about myself, but... it’s so hard nowadays to think those thoughts because he’s so right, and it’s so rude to say that his words aren’t true. okay that’s a little off-track of where I shoulda went but it kind of goes in line with “hanging on every word” and “you got me hooked on you”, because, like, how can you not listen to the person you love tell you that you’re amazing and awesome? That you mean something and that you have value and worth?

of course i’m listening to everything he says, even if I don’t agree with it, because he’s just. there. listening. smiling at me, loving me, kissing me, giving me all of the love and support and self-confidence that I had lacked in my life. He’s.... just so supportive and ugh I love him.

#tekkai #asks

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momma-mogai-sphinx · 6 years ago

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hi! i’m a 15 y/o lesbian who’s really struggling with her identity. my dad and siblings both disagree with the idea of gay marriage and i feel pretty rejected. i keep wondering if i’m just faking my sexuality for attention, even though i know i’m not. i feel weird and abnormal, and worst of all, my friends think it’s trendy and funny to be apart of the lgbtqia community when it comes with a lot of struggles. could i possibly get some positivity or kind words? or a way to feel better? ty. 💞

I have a few things I could share, actually…

I definitely understand how it is you might be feeling right now, so let me tell you—as someone who grew up in quite the inhospitable home, in a wildly homophobic town, who continues to live happily in said town despite all the odds—it can get better.

I know that can be hard to believe sometimes. I know there are things in your life which are far out of your control; systems that you might not understand, but which have a powerful effect, not only on how much you’re allowed to do and say before your identity is called into question, but also on the very course and structure of life itself. I know it can be suffocating and feel like there’s no escape. I know following the axiom “work hard and have good morals” to a t will never be enough to grant you your personhood in the face of blind bigotry.

But let me tell you why holding on is worth it.

It can be exhausting to be endlessly scrutinized by “normal” society. A single slip up could have you mercilessly questioned on the basis of whichever marginalized identity they decide is going to be society’s downfall today (one that could be and often is largely irrelevant to whatever situation led you to such a discussion to begin with). One false move might see you kicked to the curb (or worse) by your so-called “allies,” your friends and family when they deem you too low in the social hierarchy to risk their image. When you try to argue for or against something, they will see you as nothing more than your marginalized identity, see you as a spokesperson for others who share this identity. And they will use this not only as a way to dismiss you as foolish and “backwards,” but as a means to bully and harass you into complete silence.

It can be frustrating to be erased. When you find a character in a work of fiction that you see a lot of yourself in and headcanon them as sharing an identity with you, they’ll ask, “Why does everything have to be about you?” “Why do you have to make it political?” “Quit sexualizing them, they’re a child!” They ignore the fact that your group has gotten next to no representation in the past (and that you can’t influence the text just by having a headcanon); they fail to see the problem in politicizing someone else’s identity when they’re just trying to be; while they get to flaunt their sexuality around and have it catered to wherever they go, you can’t even mention the fact that you’re of a marginalized orientation without being demonized for it. And when you try to bring any of these things up and discuss how and why they should be changed to give people of all marginalized orientations and gender identities a fair share of the “privilege?” They say, “You have marriage equality and can identify as whatever gender you claim to be. What more could you possibly want? Why are you asking for all these special privileges?”

And, because of all of this, it can be infuriating to be right. It can be maddening to know that, no matter where you go, there will be people with their “hot takes,” prepared to tell you (or, rather, other bigots who already share their opinion of you) why your identity is “a phase”; why it’s sinful or perverse; or even why it can be reasonably commodified for the consumption of another group that doesn’t understand your struggle one bit (and largely doesn’t care to). And their audience will nod along, taking notes on how to “debate” those nasty SJWs and secretly feeling validated in their sheer contempt for those fellow human beings who don’t fit their preconceived notions of what is good and natural. They’ll be told that, when you speak up and point out how there are many examples of people happily identifying as non-straight and/or non-cis for most of their lives (and that it really shouldn’t matter to them whether or not some teen they’ve never met is questioning their identity), they can make leaps in logic to show how “gay marriage is just a ploy to destroy the family and western ideals! We have to stamp the gay out of these kids before they get indoctrinated!” and then show you some bunk statistics about cis people who detransitioned or something (something that really doesn’t matter, given the fact that plenty of trans people are much happier living as their actual gender). When you explain that they shouldn’t be using their religion to justify hatred of an entire group of people, and that calling someone’s identity sinful isn’t much of an argument since you (likely) don’t share the same principles of morality, they’ll gaslight you and say you’re against freedom of speech and freedom of religion (ignoring how such notions have historically been used to enact physical violence against groups whose very existence they disagree with, without ever asking, “Who’s silencing whom?”). When you try to explain how homosexuality is perfectly normal and the existence of trans and nonbinary people is just a side effect of building a complex society that puts value in both emphasizing personal identity and categorizing patterns… When you try to explain why consuming queer media without having at least a semblance of understanding of queer struggles… When you try to explain why all of this can make being queer dreadful at times–not because of anything inherently wrong with us, but because of the way society alienates, silences, and enables violence toward us–and that our “pride” comes from a place of resistance against it all and not because being queer is “cool” and fun… They will not listen.

But there is relief. From all of this.

There is solace in knowledge, comfort in history. When you find yourself in times of despair; when you wonder whether or not it’s worth it pressing onward, knowing how much suffering there is to come…

Remember where you are. You are a young branch atop an oak tree that is both vast and timeless. The tree needs you to survive. As you stretch your wanting leaves toward sun, you may forget that, far below you, there are roots, ever-boring their way deeper into the earth. For as long as this tree has tasted the sunlight, it has been anchoring itself into the soils of time. The roots refuse to be forgotten. When the sun feels like a lifetime away, remember the roots. Remember where you came from.

You come from fire, an untamable flood. You’re descended of wild spirits, unrelenting.

Their Excellence is in you.

Before you is a legacy of roaring lions. After you? That’s for you to decide.

Let your exhaustion be a name. When society tries to dictate who you’re allowed to be, be uncompromising. Refuse to be silent about who you really are.

Let your frustration be a voice. Make art, make music. Tell your story. Refuse to have your struggles erased.

As fury entwines itself with passion, you will become unbreakable as you are unsilenceable.

Emboldened. Empassioned. Empowered.

And when you tire, come to the fountain of knowledge and drink. Know their names, know their stories. Know your roots.

Know Marsha P. Johnson.

Know Silvia Rivera.

Know Harvey Milk.

Know Gilbert Baker.

Know Karl Heinrich Ulrichs.

Know Michael Dillon.

Know Lili Elbe.

Know Lucy Hicks Anderson.

Know Christine Jorgensen.

Know Bayard Rustin.

Know Magnus Hirschfeld.

Know Simon Nkoli.

Know Ifti Nasim.

Know Jason Jones.

Know Barbara Gittings.

Know Audre Lorde.

Know Angelica Ross.

Know Emil Wilbekin.

Know Frida Kahlo.

Know Nancy Cárdenas.

Know Your History. Know how Far we’ve Come.

And, look. No one expects you to be passionate at every stage of the game. You don’t have to be the paradigm of the perfect activist every second of the day. You’re allowed to just be exhausted and need a break to recharge. You’re allowed to just be frustrated when people treat you like you’re a representative of the entire LGBTQ community and expect you to know everything about our history and be able to recite all of our “policies.” Never forget that just being you is powerful enough.

Hell, you’re even allowed to feel sometimes that it’s hopeless and wonder if there’s even a point to all this work we’ve done if bigotry still prevails. But what’s important to understand is that is that how you feel and what is true—while both very real and very important to your lived experience and absolutely worth taking seriously—are not one in the same. You may feel that there is no purpose in continuing on with what seems to be a never-ending fight; but know that there is a community, all around you. There are ears to listen, hearts to sympathize, words to encourage, and hands to guide. It may get dark, may become hard to see the way forward. But it’s okay to cry out into the darkness and watch it illuminate with love and compassion and understanding. We are here.

There’s a GSA at the school at which I work, and one thing I always try to tell the students who attend about is (what I like to call) “The Breath of Absolute Clarity.” Unlearning the lies we’ve been taught from birth and learning ourselves is a long and arduous process, one that may take even a lifetime. But in every story I’ve ever heard about a queer person accepting themselves (including my own), there is always described this moment; this one instance (or perhaps several) of perfect understanding of oneself. For some, it can be a spiritual experience, tied to their religious beliefs. For others, it can be seen as a moment of self-actualization—where the turmoil of human existence ceases its chaotic chorus, if only for a second, leaving nothing but the sound of a beating heart. Whenever and wherever this moment comes to you, whatever you see, however it must happen… You will know. In this moment, you will know, beyond any feasible shadow of a doubt, Who You Are.

This moment will not last. It is not unquestionable. You may forget it in your darkest times. But if you really try to hold onto it, it will come back to you. Like a towering tsunami, it will invade your senses so completely, you will know as intimately and as viscerally as the human mind can comprehend anything what it is to be unapologetically you.

This moment is not the be-all-end-all of understanding yourself, but it is a start. It’s the moment where questioning and certainty are no longer mutually exclusive; where not having all the answers doesn’t equate to a dizzying network of what-ifs; where you understand just being is enough. Maybe you’ll wake up one morning, years in the future, and your partner will be laying in bed next to you, and you’ll think to yourself, “They know me.” And in a single breath, you will feel absolute clarity.

So, with all of that said, I hope your takeaway here can be this:

You are more than the lies and the misunderstandings about your identity.

More than a cog in a monstrous machine.

More than the exhaustion and frustration you feel in the face of unyielding bigotry.

More than the questions you have about yourself.

More than even the history and the legacies that precede you.

You are a human being

You are not broken

You are not worthless

You are not a disappointment just for being you.

But above all this, the one thing I want you to know is that

***TL;DR***

You Are Not Alone.

Just keep holding on. Things can change if you just keep holding on.

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #sorry this took so long to answer #i had my husband proofread it like seven times #trigger warning #homophobia tw #transphobia tw #advice #answered #anon #long post

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ayyshenaynay · 7 years ago

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Y'all, I’m a hairy girl. When I say hairy, I mean hairy. I have dark hairs growing everywhere! On my nose, my cheeks, my forehead, my chin, my neck, my chest, my stomach, my back, my shoulders, my arms, my thighs and legs, everywhere. I have often wondered to myself about why did I have to be the one ‘cursed’ with Hirsutism.

I recall being eight years old and inspecting the tiny dark hairs growing on my stomach. I didn’t think too much into it, but I remember being confused. My tiny brain kept reiterating, you’re a girl so why is this happening? I’ve been so embarrassed about my hairy body for most of my life. Humiliated so badly I refused to see a doctor about it until a few months back. I sucked up my low self esteem and with courage I asked my doctor about why am I so damn hairy. Why are my hormones doing this to me? Treating me so disrespectfully? I was terrified of educating myself and being professionally diagnosed with a ‘medical condition’. For years I did my best to pluck my mustache and the tiny hairs on my cheekbones. I avoid sunlight and bright lights as best as I can so that my facial hair wouldn’t be accentuated on my skin. I used to wear heavy foundation in hope that it’d mask the hair. For so long I did what I could to perceive myself as this pretty, delicate, and hairless girl.

Before my doctor visit, I have never admitted my Hirsutism out loud to another person! I’ve always kept it as a secret. Ironic considering that I can’t hide my hairy face and my long arm hair from anyone. They’re gonna see it and sometimes, they’ll even point it out! How am I suppose to hide myself for the rest of my life? I’m only twenty-two years old! I want to show my arms off. I want to wear pretty dresses during Spring time. I don’t want to be apprehensive about showing my naked body to my boyfriend!

I wish every day that I can outgrow all of my insecurities permanently. I’ve managed some things, thankfully. Some of the issues I used to have about myself no longer bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I became more confident in myself or if I just stopped caring. There are some days where I do love myself to the moon and back. Those days usually occur when I’m having a great make-up day and my outfit is on point. It can, also, happen when I receive compliments from other people. I hate that I convinced myself that I need to seek for validation in order for me to feel like I belong. It’s an unhealthy mindset and I am doing my best to outgrow that way of thinking. Years of being so intensely self conscious of my appearance, my self worth, and being labeled as the family monkey had really done its damage to my soul.

Now that I’m an adult and I’m teaching myself to not adhere to beauty standards, my self esteem has improved. Not dramatically, unfortunately. I’m doing what I can to unlearn all the things I’ve been force fed into believing about how we’re suppose to look like. I have gained confidence from the wonderful people who used their stories and their experiences as a way to educate others. I want to continue down this path of helping myself and, hopefully, other people. I refuse to let anyone else go through the same trauma that I did. Why am I so insecure about my body hair? Why do you consider your body hair as a curse? Because it’s excessive? I notice body hair on other people and I think they’re so beautiful. I adore people who display their bodies proudly. People who rose from their ashes and live a life so beautifully unapologetic. They’re strong, they’re loud, and they’re not afraid. I hope to have that same level of confidence one day. I know I will. I have a good heart and I believe beauty comes in many different forms so I need to learn to accept mine for what it is.

#hirsute #hirsutism #body positivity #body positive #self love #beauty standards #staying positive #body hair #about me #my post

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metaphoricalmusings · 4 years ago

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what makes me unhappy (about ~love~)

so I wrote out a whole page by hand in an attempt to organize those thoughts and I think I have a better grasp of the fuzz in my head now. it’s not perfect but its a start and I’ll transcribe it here with maybe more commentary if more things come to me.

its kind of weird how talking (or writing) to oneself is the easiest therapy there is. I view it as the organization of thoughts. clutter causes chaos inside of me. I panic and shut down and wipe out ... and irrational emotions take over. the problem with love is that its intrinsically messy. therefore, I feel like I’m actively bringing clutter and chaos into my life— though the truth is, we can sift through these feelings and come out with some organizational structure too.

1. no definition in the relationship

this one’s interesting. it’s weird because we haven’t met. so then I don’t want to force any hand onto him because well... we haven’t met physically in person. does that matter? but I do want to know what I am. just a friend? because if this is just a friend then I need to recalibrate how I view it.

the other thing is... would explicitly defining this make any difference? I don’t know. does the peace of mind make a difference to me at all? the fact that now I would have some title of “girlfriend” or that I could call him my “boyfriend”. instead of... uh... romantically linked humans.?

once I wrote that out on paper, I realized that I think it does. the entire anxiety I had around hugo was because we were together for so long but we never actually defined it. and that made me quite sad... or well, that just had me questioning it all the whole time.

2. insecurity that I’m not interesting (and that he likes me less)

because I’m always looking for validation, for some extreme excitement or response to indicate that there a lot of interest.

DEBUNKED: this isn’t realistic! people are not high energy all the time. same with yourself. that’s what tires you out too, and makes you feel like a fraud because you’re putting on this act of being extremely interested or excited all the time. always looking for something interesting to say... amping it up, doing all that takes a lot of energy. and naturally because you’re putting all this energy in, you start to expect that energy reflected back to you. which isn’t always the case, so then you get frustrated. it’s ok to accept low energy responses, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. remember, you aren’t an entertainer for others. if they aren’t entertained by you, then so be it!

thinking forward, have confidence in what you like. what you find interesting, and why you find that interesting. that’s it! it’s your taste. it’s not your mission to convince anyone else of that. you can just state it and that’s that.

going back to your real goals— the big ones. it is NOT to entertain others fruitlessly. that doesn’t MATTER. you don’t have to play that game anymore. your worth does not come from how many people respond positively... it’s not like an app where you define and measure success by the users. there are things you need to unlearn from being a PM!

3. that this is a time sink and a big distraction from my goals

because I spend so much time thinking about him, or talking to him, or even solving anxiety that comes out of being in this romantic state with him, I naturally wouldn’t spend that time on things I care about.

DEBUNKED: that isn’t true! actually just reading that sentence of “solving anxiety” made me realize this is important character growth (ha ha, character growth for myself). you cannot live the rest of your life chopping out anything that vaguely feels like its impeding on your current goals. you need to find balance. the world is not black and white.... it’s not that simple. even if it seems like the simplest solution to cut everything else out, that’s not really how it works! you won’t be happy this way either. so to move forward, you have to take the harder path, which is to work your way through it and find the balance. don’t just toss something that you think is getting in the way, or isn’t working. you need to take the time to fix it.

one step to take (maybe at a later time, I’ll write this out, not today)— think about the good things that you can learn (and in fact HAVE learned) and improved on. by being with him. he makes your world bigger too, and that’s been very precious. so treasure that. it’s treasure! spending time with him isn’t it a waste. it’s valuable too, in its own way.

actually if you think about it, therapy is just you paying someone to listen to you talk through your thoughts. and they come in and add organization and or refinement to that way of thinking. an adjustment. that’s pretty much what I’m doing to myself right now. I’m writing down the statements that I feel exist and then diving deeper to either validate that with facts or not. it’s helpful! because then you know where it’s really coming from, and whether those original statements are grounded in the panic induced self hatred, or from something that’s reasonable and actually solvable.

(doing this is way more productive then hedging and hoping that someone asks you how you’re really feeling and then you could spill out everything that’s simmering in your head. living is about learning to exist with yourself. so that starts with talking with yourself too, and seeing how you actually feel..)

WHEN YOU ARE SAD. DON’T JUST SIT THERE AND BE SAD!!!! one thing at a time. put it down, figure it out, and keep on keeping on

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vulture-jack · 8 years ago

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I think my problem with not enjoying puzzle games is that I dont get a sense of accomplishment out of figuring out a puzzle.

I get a sense of inferiority when I struggle with or CANT figure it out.

Long ass elaboration that got way to deep and a little A LOT to self-analysis…y below the cut.

Solving a puzzle in a puzzle game feels like something im SUPPOSED to be able to do because SEEMINGLY everyone else can, if the game was THAT hard no one would buy it or praise it or recommend it because two few people would be able to beat it and have the full experience, so I’m just stressed and constantly feel like my intelligence is coming into question if I can’t get through it? If everyone else can get through it, and I can’t, what does that say about me? Fucking EVERYONE has beat Portal. Except me. And no one even really talks about how HARD Portal is. Except for me. So puzzle games tend to make me feel like shit. For a number of reasons, I tend to just. Give up. A lack of motivation, getting no joy out of the puzzle aspect and seeing it as a chore, it not being the way I typically enjoy exercising my thinking muscles, etc etc.

And even if I CAN beat those puzzles, its a stressful as fuck experience through the whole damn thing. Like taking a standardized test. Even though thats not the case? I feel like I’m being tested and I hate taking tests because I don’t celebrate good grades so much as feel they are expected of me. If I do poorly or even “average” C level I feel like a failure. The negative emotions I got from low grades WAY overpowered any positive emotions I got from good grades. Good grades = relief that I didnt get a bad grade and i didnt ruin my future and my parents wont get mad at me. And this same feelings accompanies puzzle games. If I CANT do it, then I feel like shit about myself and get a nice helping of lowered self confidence and heightened insecurity. If I DO do it, then its nothing to celebrate because its part of the game, everyone who plays this is supposed to be able to do this. Tons of people already did this. Its not really an accomplishment to me. I know this is a flawed way of looking at things, but every time I encounter puzzle games or people recommending puzzle games to me because “No but this ones really good!” Im like…it doesn’t matter.

Every time I hear someone talk about the sense of accomplishment they get while playing puzzle games I’m like “God I wish that were me��.

And if you want to comment on this like “No you should finish X its really good!” Im going to get mad at you. I won’t say I’m mad at you, I won’t ACT like I’m mad at you because I know in reality I’m just an irritable fuck who takes things way too personally, and I try to act according to that knowledge and not take it out on people who dont deserve it. But I’m going to be irritated as fuck.

Unless its super fucking easy or environmental and not the core draw of the game, I have no interest in subjecting myself to that stress. Puzzle games are STRESS to me. Its not their fault or the developers fault I’m insecure as fuck but that doesn’t make me enjoy the experience.

The kinds of puzzles I don’t mind are the simple ass ones that show up in Uncharted, for example. But some of those even stumped me and if the whole, or even half the game was those, I wouldn’t play them, and theyre frequently my least favorite parts of a game.

If finishing a puzzle is easy and i manage to finish it i might get a little bit of “yay i did it” but its usually more like “yay thats over now let me climb some shit or shoot some guys or see a new location”.

Puzzles don’t make me feel smart and accomplished, they pretty much do the exact opposite.

I’m more likely to say “Im not smart” these days because I’m so sure other people are going to reach the same conclusion that I feel like I need to beat them to it. That somehow, if they at least think I’m self aware of my own flaws, they wont think as little of me. Isn’t that fucked up? Thats fucked up, though.

I know that its all bullshit, too, though? Like I know a puzzle game does not measure my intelligence, and that my “intelligence” does not measure my worth. I know that society has fucked up ways in which it values “intelligence” and places worth upon people for factors out of their control. I know that measuring peoples worth by their “intelligence” is fucked up. I’m not educated enough on the topic to speak on it at length like I know what the fuck I’m talking about, but I’m aware of these realities. I would not hold another person up to these standards which I hold myself do. My failures to do certain things reflect negatively on me, but do not lesser OTHER PEOPLE who share my same failures in my eyes.

But I was also raised in this society and it did fucked up things to my brain and trying to unlearn them and get a healthy state where I can play Portal without feeling like my worth as a human being is on the line is harder than just being aware of those fucked up things.

And I don’t really know Puzzles in games bother me so much, considering I feel accomplished when I beat a small army that was giving me hell. Even though its the same thing. Tons of other people can beat those enemies, and at a higher difficulty, and probably faster and more efficiently. But I don’t care. Thats fun an engaging and rewarding. A puzzle is a boring chore at best, and a stressful unwanted hit to my self esteem at worst. Its literally homework. Its literally school to me.

I think it might have something to do with the rigidity of puzzles and their answers? You have to figure out the one answer, or the one path to that answer. The answer is the solid, concrete goal and you gotta figure out what is usually the ONE way to do that. Whereas with killin small armies of mercenaries, i know what the answer is. Get them all dead. How I do it is my business, and I get to feel creative and tackle things MY WAY. I get to be smart MY WAY. Because real life puzzles arent often “heres a complicated set of things that a person set up with one or two answers, figure it out”, its usually like. “Heres a problem created by circumstances, and theres probably a ton of ways to get what you want, do what you gotta do, and because you WANT IT, you have the motivation to give a shit”

If all im getting out of puzzles is an advanced PLOT, then I’m just gonna get pissed and look up a lets play so i can see someone that doesnt hate puzzles because puzzles make them hate themselves for me.

This is why games like Portal can hold me at first and lose me later when its really obvious that theres just something I’m missing, and god I’ve been stuck in this room for so long that its killed any interest I have to continue playing this game, but I’m going to carry around this badge of “No I didn’t actually beat Portal 1 OR 2 ok, I got STUCK. Leave me alone please I know im a disgrace, you dont have to tell me.”

Puzzles then become harder because I have no motivation to solve them. I’m sure there are plenty of puzzle games I COULD BEAT but since I have no desire to or gain any real sense of accomplishment from them, I have no motivation to put my brain power into it when I could be playing another game I don’t have to force myself to enjoy because I feel like “Should” because this is what “Smart” people do and if I want to be “smart” then I should do stuff like this.

That and im so used to games where puzzles are an obstacle keeping me from where I want to go, the distractions from everything else I love about a non puzzle oriented game.

So while a puzzle game might have a great story, characters, aesthetic, etc. I will never WANT to play it. I might wish I ENJOYED it but I just do not have an interest in dedicated “Puzzle games”.

TLDR I grew up one of those “smart kids” who found myself slowly slipping behind through highschool, hit hard as fuck in college, and now feel like I’m mostly behind everyone else in terms of study, life and motivation, im insecure as FUCK, and puzzle games hit that nerve like a goddamn mallet. Wow this got WAY FUCKING DEEPER than I wanted it to.

TLDR Shorter Edition: I’m really fucking insecure.

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with puzzle games or the people that play them. I am a firm believer in the idea that just because a play style or format isn’t for me, doesn’t mean its bad and shouldn’t exist, ( I’m lookin at YOU, people who complain when a game is a tightly controlled linear narrative. I LIKE those, go play the bazillion other games that ARENT those.)

#negative/?#ish?

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paul-patts-blog · 8 years ago

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Character Profile: Paul Roman Patts “Pongo”

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.” -Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Myers-Briggs: ENFP

Sometimes called the performer of the Myers-Briggs, it makes sense that Paul, collector of witticisms and incorrigible flirt, would hold the title of ENFP. Often the life of the party, never anything less than a free spirit, an ENFP’s buoyant, unending energy is for one purpose and one purpose only: seeking social and emotional connections in the crowd they so often surround themselves with. Paul is no different. He becomes restless and lonely if he does not have people to turn to and he depends on his friendships to steer him away from his weaknesses, like his malicious low self-esteem or his tendency to overthink or overwork. But because of Paul’s background, he has a lot of secrets and sources of shame, so those people-- the ones he can truly depend on-- are actually very seldom found. You can think you’re in Paul’s inner circle, but his charm, friendliness and communication skills are really fooling you-- you’re just one of the many people who Paul wants to please.

Paul’s love of people is rooted too in his love of writing and reading. His NF means that he’s an intuitive guy, interested in what motivates people and able to see under the initial surface (and part of that might be because Paul is so cognizant of the surface he presents to others that he assumes rather readily that most people are like him-- icebergs, more dwelling underneath). When he writes, he writes just as much to understand others as he does to understand himself, and though his shame stops him from sharing his work, Paul secretly hopes that one day his fiction could provide bridges between that inner self of his and others.

Hogwarts house: Slytherin Primary, Gryffindor Secondary with a very strong Slyth Model

Paul’s people-pleasing, affable, confident ways make him first seem like a Gryffindor to some, but that’s just the act, his Slytherin model making it easy for him to adapt to the needs of a situation. Paul’s real primary is Slytherin and it’s extremely strong. He’s motivated by what’s his: himself, his needs (his ambition is pretty traditional Slytherin), and the needs of his immediate inner circle. For Paul, that’s always meant the Patts family: because Patts’ take care of their own. It’s why he didn’t go to uni when he was 18, dropping his scholarship because of the death of his brother and his own mother’s mental health. It’s why for six more years Paul stayed in East End, loyal to his family who needed him, pushing his own dreams to the side-- he could come back to them. It’s why even now he can’t fully let go of Perdita or kick her from that inner circle (she’s got a foot out the door and he’s doing his best to cut her out), and why he let Roger back in though he’d been betrayed so badly. It’s ridiculously hard for Paul to unlearn the loyalty he has assigned to his people. That diehard loyalty is also particularly hard-won. For many, it takes years. Most people never get it.

Paul is also unusual though in that he’s a Slytherin that has almost completely kicked himself out of his circle. Many times in his life as said above, Paul’s dreams have come in direct conflict with the needs of those most important to him. Because Paul needs his people, can’t live without his people, he always chooses them over himself. He’s learned to belittle his needs to come to terms with these decisions, unknowingly doing more damage than he realizes.

The model/dor combo is often constantly in tug-o-war with each other too. The -dor is handed down to him by his brothers and father as he was taught to act first, ask questions later. And Paul’s got an extremely emotional core, his F probably his strongest piece of his Myers-Briggs; saying no to that emotional core causes him immense frustration. But he learned at a young age that the Patts’ way of doing things isn’t necessarily the best way and it was better to be charming than honest if it got him where he wanted to go. His Slyth model is then used in two different ways-- to play and flirt, and as a last-ditch survival technique, like when navigating the troubled waters of his relationship with Perdita. It’s a model because he hates doing it in these serious instances, always feels a little guilty and slimy, and would much rather just be himself. When Paul is relaxed though, then his- dor shines, and people can see that charge-headfirst, inspiring bloke, once head of his secondary football team and for good reason-- he’s the guy you want calling shots.

Enneagram: 3w2-- The Charmer

Basic Fear: Of being worthless Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile

If Paul’s Myers-Briggs and Hogwarts house help explain his social and emotional sides, then his Enneagram explains his professional and personal ambitions best-- these parts of him sidelined and sacrificed due to his upbringing and loyalty. Paul isn’t a very healthy 3 then, though he’s learned to perform the role well and was much healthier in his upper sixth-form days-- when he was a star athlete with a scholarship, admired by his peers and immensely popular with basically any “group” in his year. That’s because 3s strive to achieve, are often confident and well-spoken, and love to share their talents as much as they love to encourage the talents of others. They are role models, class presidents, homecoming kings and queens-- and Paul fit into that model well, even though he had to hide his background to do it and ignore the little voice that told him he was a fraud.

Threes are thus obsessed with their goals, and Paul, a dreamer, has too many goals to count. For Paul to have a successful life, he needs to go to university-- he’s always defined that as the first marker of a successful life, and he longed to be the very first Patts to do so. He wants badly to have a successful relationship and a healthy family as well. He needs to make money too in any way that he can. He doesn’t seek fame as much as he seeks that stability, though because he grew up in poverty, stability does seem materialistic to him in a lot of ways. It means a house, two cars, going to good schools, being able to go on vacation, afford nice, new clothes and nice, new toys and basically being able to give his people whatever he can. Paul won’t be happy until he can do that, then, or until he has reframed his understanding of wealth and success.

But because Threes connect their self-worth to that desire to succeed, it’s Paul’s own sacrifice of his essential needs that have resulted in the development of his secret second self, who feels worthless because he has fallen so far from what he’s always imagined. He will continue to feel worthless, empty, and like a nobody without any value or talent or thing to contribute as long as he picks his people over himself. And unfortunately for Paul, he’s stuck in a vicious cycle of doing just that.

Four Temperaments: Sanguine (Air)

People with sanguine personality type tend to be lively, optimistic, buoyant, and carefree. They love adventure and have a high risk tolerance. Typically, Sanguine people are very poor at tolerating boredom and will seek variety and entertainment. Because this temperament is prone to pleasure-seeking behaviors, many people with sanguine personality are likely to struggle with addictions. Their constant cravings may lead to overeating and weight problems.

These people are very creative and may become great artists. In addition, they are fantastic entertainers and will naturally do well if they choose careers in entertainment industry.

Astrology:

Zodiac: Libra (October 1st): Domestic, craves peace and balance, powerful sense of justice, innovative, charming, overthinking, over-imaginative, resentful, intolerant

Chinese Zodiac: Ram (1991): tender, polite, filial, clever, and kind-hearted, with a special sensitivity to art and beauty.

Celtic Tree: Ivy: The Celtic meaning of the ivy deals with connections and friendships because of its propensity to interweave in growth. Ever furrowing and intertwining, the ivy is an example of the twists and turns our friendships take - but also a testimony to the long-lasting connections and bonds we form with our friends that last over the years. Another tribute to friendship as well as the test of time is the ivy's ability to grow in challenging environments. The ivy is incredibly durable and can withstand harsh conditions. This is symbolic of our ability to stick by our friends no matter what.

The ivy is also a symbol of survival and determination for the same reasons. It seems to be virtually indestructible and will often return after it has suffered damage or has been severely cut back. This is an example of the human spirit and the strength we all have to carry on regardless of how harrowing our setbacks may have been.

Harry Potter Statistics

Wand: Unicorn heartstring, 13 ¾, Hazel- A sensitive wand, hazel often reflects its owner’s emotional state, and works best for a master who understands and can manage their own feelings. Others should be very careful handling a hazel wand if its owner has recently lost their temper, or suffered a serious disappointment, because the wand will absorb such energy and discharge it unpredictably. The positive aspect of a hazel wand more than makes up for such minor discomforts, however, for it is capable of outstanding magic in the hands of the skillful, and is so devoted to its owner that it often ‘wilts’ (which is to say, it expels all its magic and refuses to perform, often necessitating the extraction of the core and its insertion into another casing, if the wand is still required) at the end of its master’s life (if the core is unicorn hair, however, there is no hope; the wand will almost certainly have ‘died’). Hazel wands also have the unique ability to detect water underground, and will emit silvery, tear-shaped puffs of smoke if passing over concealed springs and wells.

Ilvermorny house: Thunderbird

Patronus: Timber wolf

#about #what i did at work today instead of doing my actual work lol

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jacewilliams1 · 5 years ago

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Flight simulators, safety, and the power of AI

Simulators began to make their way into aviation soon after the historic first flight of the Wright Flyer in 1903. Simulators have since expanded into simulation environments and further into holistic virtual or synthetic training ecosystems. Airline studies have long concluded that experienced pilots could be trained entirely on a qualifying simulator. With a pilot shortage upon us, the role for flight simulators is even greater. According to a 2019 industry report, the overall flight simulation industry is projected to grow into a $7.7 billion industry by 2025.

Flight simulators are powerful training tools; will artificial intelligence open up new ways to use them?

There is an increasing presence of artificial intelligence (AI) and machine learning (ML) in our lives today. While neither are new concepts, the decreasing costs of compute infrastructure have contributed to this trend. Machine Learning is a branch of AI where the algorithm “learns” from given data. It actively looks for patterns without the need to tell it to look for something specific. In one of its branches, ML algorithms can find patterns without even being told what to look for. Not having to programmatically define the one (or few) things we are looking for opens up the opportunity to discover insights without limiting it. Given a data set or data stream, the algorithm attempts to discover all/any patterns it observes. Of course, in order to keep it focused, it is always advantageous to operate with a set of focus areas at any time.

There are some very positive and pertinent use cases for AI and ML. One of those is in the enrichment and extensibility of flight simulators. Traditionally, flight simulators have been self-contained hardware that allowed for training. Their primary use was in flight training. Then there came the time where their use extended into design. This was a serious shift. Where at one time simulators were used in lieu of aircraft to train pilots, now they could be used to design, develop and test the aircraft itself. After that came the phase where their use had extended into the design of the ambient environment and associated processes. As an example, air traffic management innovations and airport design all benefit from simulators.

We are now at the cusp where combining capable simulators with high-powered compute environments can enhance safety in aviation. Consider this—can flight simulator data tell us more about yet to be known opportunities that can improve airspace safety; or tell us more about how to prevent loss of control incidents; prevent communication lapses from turning into serious issues?

Extending the line of thought, can the power of ML detect patterns of human behavior in a simulator? What would these findings be worth in the realm of safety?

The answer is that these insights could be immensely valuable. Pilots are a diverse population and over their career, most pilots will potentially fly across diverse geographies, languages, and cultures. Insights could be used to optimize human behavior under varying circumstances. These insights could point to both strengths and weaknesses. It is known that behavior, judgment, and action patterns remain consistent whether in a simulator or in the real thing. If that is the case, then observing patterns in a simulator will allow for preemptively addressing them.

An NTSB report about a Gulfstream incident in Massachusetts found that habitual non-compliance to procedure had preceded the incident. The facts behind a 2016 mishap in Southeast Asia involving the actioned shutdown of the working engine indicate one of the pilots had demonstrated similar tendencies during simulator checks. He had on multiple occasions shown signs of confusion when workload was heavy and judgment had been in question. Facts around a 2010 ultralight crash in Tatham, Australia, highlight the fact that the pilot was a habitual risk-taker and his airmanship was routinely questionable. These are a few of the hundreds of incidents where human behavior patterns have routinely preceded incidents. Could additional insights have saved the situation?

Whether its unlearning a habitual golf swing and relearning an optimized one, or unlearning an incorrect habitual action on the flight deck, it takes insights and then improvement actions. Today these insights come as observations by an instructor sitting inside a sim along with pilots either during ab-initio or recurrent training. There is nothing wrong with this model. It’s just that the human mind can only sift through so much data at a time.

What if pilots could get valuable feedback without a human instructor sitting there?

Machine-driven contextual analysis of large volumes of data is another league in itself. Simulators are aptly positioned to collect operating data. ML has the compelling power to sort through the data, discover hidden patterns, and provide the audience with answers to questions that they may not have thought of asking. This means ML can crunch through thousands of hours of simulator data and come up with findings that we wouldn’t have known even to ask or look for. ML algorithms can crunch these numbers to recommend opportunities for improvement and help build customized training plans. Machine Learning can also recommend training improvements across cohorts of pilot population.

The next question would be to determine where this capability would best apply. Who would benefit most from such insights?

Insights at any level are always useful. Deep insights are of course even more useful. A good pilot is always learning. That said, in my opinion, general aviation stands to benefit the most. Most GA pilots do not operate within the rigorous regime of controlled operations and training. Furthermore, funding is scarce. I say “most GA pilots,” because there are some GA pilots who operate in environments similar to the operational regime of a routine air carrier—but this is more the exception. This is even more applicable those pilots for whom flying is not a profession. Recreational GA pilots go two years in between formal training events. Habits learned during training matter, but those that have been formed between checkrides matter even more. Given that, GA pilots will gain much from such insights and help correct any negative tendencies they may have formed.

Detecting patterns where pilots fail to notice an approach to stall, or perform improper stall recovery, can be valuable. Numerous cases of a stall on a base-to-final turn are found. Loss of control is a serious issue. These are patterns found in a certain class of pilots, often low-hour pilots. Improper weight and balance calculations is a pattern of thinking found in certain categories of pilots. Launching into marginal weather or weather at a distance assuming that will stay in place has led to numerous flights into known IMC. Flying a wide traffic pattern is a habitual issue for some. Flying an unstabilized approach, delayed reactions to failure annunciations, or to air traffic communications are all patterns. Extending full flaps too early, overshooting final course on an approach, or improper execution of a go-around are all patterns of human behavior.

These don’t occur as one-off instances. Some are a result of improper training, others are incorrect actions that have become habitual with time. Nevertheless, they compromise safety and will benefit from correction.

Machine learning can learn from usage and automatically adapt future training scenarios to hone in on improvement areas. If not automatically, it could recommend adequately to allow an instructor to focus on patterns that go undetected by the human observer. After all, training is not one size-fits-all thing. Once an ML model has “learned,” it takes very little time for it to detect anomalies in new data; and each new data set or data stream enriches the model. Detection of anomalous behavior then becomes increasingly better with time because the model gets increasingly richer. This means that after a model has stabilized, a few hours of flying by a pilot will enable the model to detect patterns, present findings, and make recommendations. A machine learning model can be tuned for specific focus objectives such as a precise landing, or in general terms for overall pilot behavior which could comprise all/any aspects of pilot technique.

Simulators have the wonderful ability to collect data. They have always had it. However, we have never before had the luxury of having storage and compute infrastructure available at price points as they are now. The promise of machine learning is more real now than ever before. Simulators will be used more than ever before to train the pilots of tomorrow. The intersection of these two domains presents a compelling opportunity to use cutting edge insights and improve safety.

The post Flight simulators, safety, and the power of AI appeared first on Air Facts Journal.

from Engineering Blog https://airfactsjournal.com/2020/04/flight-simulators-safety-and-the-power-of-ai/

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suzanneshannon · 5 years ago

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Getting to the Heart of Digital Accessibility

Quick! Think of the word “developer” or “coder” — what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Maybe a whiteish male in his twenties living in a busy metropolis, wearing a nerdy t-shirt and hoodie? Someone a bit like Mark Zuckerberg? Or maybe a younger Bill Gates or Sergey Brin? Any of the dudes from the HBO series Silicon Valley, perhaps? Certainly no one like me.

By tech standards, I’m old. I’m also female and a mother. I live in a midwestern town you’ve never heard of and will never visit — a town where the cows vastly outnumber the people. My hair color is (almost) natural and is no longer part of the ROYGBIV collection, so I have no perceived conference street cred. I own about a thousand geeky T-shirts, but never actually wear them in public, opting for more “girly” attire (or so was pointed out by a male colleague). On the surface, I look more suited to taking notes at a PTA meeting than writing code. I’m a bit of an outsider. A tech misfit.

So when my 11-year-old daughter finished her recent coding camp and excitedly declared, “Now I’m a real developer, Mom, just like you!” there was the usual parent pride, but also a small piece of me that cringed. Because, as much as I support the STEM fields, and want the next generation of girls to be coding wizard-unicorn-ninjas, I really don’t want my own daughter to be a developer. The rationale behind this bold (and maybe controversial) statement comes from a place of protection. The tech world we live in today is far from perfect. I’ve endured my share of misogyny, self-doubt, and sexual harassment. Why wouldn’t I want to protect her from all of that?

The (diversity) elephant in the (computer) room

You’ve heard this story before: there is not enough diversity in tech. This puzzling trend seems to continue year after year, even though numerous studies show that by including more people from underrepresented communities, a company can increase its innovation, employee retention, and bottom line. Even with the recent push and supposed support for diversity and inclusivity from many Fortune 500 companies, women and female-identifying people still only hold 20% of all top tech jobs.

The data from FY 2018 shows that the number of women in technical roles at three of the top tech giants was 24% for Adobe, 26% for Google, and 22% for Facebook. While these numbers show that there is still not enough representation for women, these numbers do reflect a slight increase from the previous year (FY 2017: Adobe 22%, Google 25%, Facebook 15%). But even with this upward trend of hiring women in tech roles, the marginal growth rate has not caught up with the real world. The tech workforce is seriously out of touch with reality if, in 2019, a demographic (women) that represents more than half the global population is still considered a minority.

Sometimes this lack of diversity at the top level is blamed on a “pipeline” issue. The logic being: “If there are not enough girls who learn to code, then there will not be enough women who can code.” However, programs aimed at teaching girls how to code have skyrocketed in the past few years. Girls now make up about half of the enrollment in high-school coding classes and are scoring almost identically to their male classmates on standardized math and science tests, yet, young women make up only 18% of all Computer Science degrees. I have to wonder if this steep drop in interest has more to do with lack of representation in the tech sphere, than with girls and young women simply not being “smart enough” or “not interested” in working with code? At the very least, the lack of representation certainly doesn’t help.

Of course, the diversity picture becomes even more abysmal when you consider other underrepresented groups such as people of color, people from the LGBTQ community, and people with disabilities. And while I really don’t like glossing over these deeper diversity issues in tech, because they are abundant and are much more grotesque failings than the male/female ratio, I also don’t feel qualified to speak about these issues. I encourage you to look to and value the voices of others who can speak with higher authority on these deeper diversity issues, such as Ire Aderinokun, Taelur Alexis, Imani Barbarin, Angie Jones, Fatima Khalid, Tatiana Mac, Charlie Owen, Cherry Rae, and so many others. And for those readers who are new to the topic of diversity in tech, watch Tatiana Mac’s recent conference talk How Privilege Defines Performance — it’s well worth the 35 minutes of your life.

The four stages in the digital accessibility journey

However you look at it, the numbers don’t lie. There are some pretty significant diversity issues in tech. So how do we fix this issue before the next wave of young developers join the tech workforce? Simple: teach developers to write accessible code.

This may seem like a joke to some and stretch to others, but hear me out. When we talk about accessible code, what we are really talking about at its core is inclusiveness. The actual process of writing accessible code involves rules and standards, tests and tools; but inclusive development is more abstract than that. It’s a shift in thinking. And when we rethink our approach to development, we go beyond just the base level of simple code functionality. We instead think, how is this code consumed? How can we make it even more intelligible and easier for people to use? Inclusive development means making something valuable, not just accessible, to as many people as we can.

That line of thinking is a bit abstract, so let’s go through an example. Let’s say you are tasked with updating the color contrast between the text on a webpage or app and the background. What happens at each stage in the accessibility journey?

Stage 1: Awareness — You are brand new to digital accessibility and are still trying to understand what it is and how you can implement changes in your daily workflow. You may be aware that there is a set of digital accessibility guidelines that other developers follow, but you are a bit hazy on what it all means in a practical sense.

Stage 2: Knowledge — You know a bit more about digital accessibility and feel comfortable using a few testing tools, so you run an automated accessibility test on your website and it flags a possible issue with the color contrast. Based on your awareness of the guidelines, you know the color contrast ratio between the text and the background needs to be a certain number and that you need a tool to test this.

Stage 3: Practice — Feeling more confident in your knowledge of digital accessibility rules and best practices, you use a tool to measure the color contrast ratio between the text and the background. Then based on the output of the tool, you modify the hex code to meet the color contrast ratio guidelines and retest to confirm you have met the accessibility requirements for this issue.

Stage 4: Understanding — You understand that the accessibility guidelines and tools are created with people in mind, and that code is secondary to all of that. One is the means, and the other is the end. In the color contrast example, you understand that people with low-vision or colorblindness need these color contrast changes in order to actually see the words on your web page.

This is a bit of an oversimplification of the process. But I hope you get the gist — that there are different stages of digital accessibility knowledge and understanding. True beginners may not be to even stage one, but I am finding that group rarer and rarer these days. The word about digital accessibility seems to be out! Which is great; but that’s only the first hurdle. What I’m seeing now is that a lot of people stop at Stage 2: Knowledge or Stage 3: Practice — where you are aware of the digital accessibility guidelines, have some testing tools in your back pocket, and know how to fix some of the issues reported, but haven’t quite connected the dots to the humans they impact.

From the standpoint of getting daily stuff done, stages two and three are okay stopping points. But what happens when the things you need to do are too complex for a quick fix, or you have no buy-in from your peers or management? I feel that once we get to Stage 4: Understanding, and really get why these kinds of changes are needed, people will be more motivated to make those changes regardless of the challenges involved. When you arrive at stage four, you have gone beyond knowing the basic rules, testing, and coding. You recognize that digital accessibility is not just a “nice to have” but a “must have” and it becomes about quality of life for real people. This is digital inclusion. This is something you can’t unsee, you can’t unlearn, and you can’t ignore.

Making digital accessibility a priority — not a requirement

In my role as an accessibility trainer, I like to kick-off each session with the question: “What are you hoping to learn today about digital accessibility?” I ask this question to establish a rapport with the audience and to understand where everyone is in their accessibility journey, but I am also evaluating the level of company and individual buy-in too. There is nothing worse than showing up to teach a group that does not care to be taught. If I hear the words “I am only here because I have to be” — I know it will be an uphill battle to get them anywhere close to Stage 4: Understanding, so I mentally regroup and aim for another stage.

In my experience, when companies and their leaders say “Digital accessibility is a requirement,” nine times out of ten there is a motivating factor behind this sweeping declaration (for example, impending litigation, or at least the fear of it). When changes are framed as mandatory and packaged as directives from on high with little additional context, people can be resistant and will find excuses to fight or challenge the declaration, and any change can become an uphill battle. Calling something “mandatory” only speaks to Stage 1: Awareness.

By swapping out one word from the original declaration and saying “Digital accessibility is a priority,” companies and their leaders have reframed the conversation with their employees. When changes are framed as “working towards a solution” and discussed openly and collaboratively, people feel like they are part of the process and are more open to embracing change. In the long run, embracing change becomes part of a company’s culture and leads to innovation (and, yes, inclusion) on all levels. Calling something a priority speaks to Stage 4: Understanding.

Some of the excuses I often hear from clients for not prioritizing accessibility is that it is too difficult, too costly, and/or too time consuming — but is that really the case? In the same accessibility training, I lead an exercise where we look at a website with an accessibility testing tool and review any issues that came up. With the group’s help we plot out the “impact to user” versus the “remediation effort” on the part of the team. From group to group, while the plots are slightly different, one commonality is that close to 80% of the errors plotted fall into the quadrant of “simple to fix” for the team, but they also fall under “high impact” to the user. Based on this empirical data, I won’t buy the argument from clients who say that accessibility is too difficult and costly and time consuming anymore. It comes down to whether it’s a priority — for each individual and for the company as a whole.

What will your coding legacy be?

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. So by that same logic, a programmer hitting keys at random on a computer for an infinite amount of time will almost surely produce a website that is accessible. But where is the thought process? Where is the human element? While all the things we’ve already talked about — awareness, education, and prioritization of accessibility are important steps in making the digital world more inclusive to all — without intent, we are just going to keep randomly tapping away at our computers, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. The intent behind the code has to be part of the process, otherwise accessibility is just another task that has no meaning.

Maybe I’m naive, but I’d like to think we’ve come to a point in our society where we want our work lives to have meaning. And that we don’t want to just hear about the positive change that is happening, but want to be part of the change. Digital accessibility is a place where this can happen! Not only does understanding and writing purpose-driven code help people with disabilities in the short-run, I believe strongly that is key to solving the overarching diversity issue in tech in the long-run. Developers who reach Stage 4: Understanding, and who prioritize accessible code because they understand it’s fundamentally about people, will also be the ones who help create and cultivate an inclusive environment where people from more diverse backgrounds are also prioritized and accepted in the tech world.

Because when you strip away all the styles, all the mark-up, all the cool features from a website or app — what’s left? People. And honestly, the more I learn about digital accessibility, the more I realize it’s not about the code at all. Digital accessibility is rooted in the user; and, while I (and countless others) can certainly teach you how to write accessible code, and build you tools, patterns, and libraries to use, I realize we can’t teach you to care. That is a choice you have to make yourself. So think for a moment — what are you leaving the next generation of developers with all that inaccessible code you haven’t given much thought to? Is it the coding legacy you really want to leave? I challenge you to do better for my daughter, her peers, and for the countless others who are not fully represented in the tech community today.

Getting to the Heart of Digital Accessibility published first on https://deskbysnafu.tumblr.com/

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tanishareeve89-blog · 7 years ago

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Effective ways to Destroy The Anxiousness And also Do well With Confidence By Lisa Beverley.

I recently read an article that specified contentment was to be educated in colleges as an experimental course. Imagine strolling right into your upcoming household get-together sensation thrilled about existing and knowing that you'll leave behind sensation satisfied concerning your entire encounter. The following opportunity you discover an anti-romantic seeking romantic motivation, share these cute affection quotes with all of them as well as show that passion is worth pursuing! Do not panic, our team are actually not going to suggest that you create chick soup a staple in your diet regimen to possess a really good marriage. Occasionally companions continuously inform the various other just what they need or even really want to think adored, appreciated, as well as crucial, and also the partner will make some brief attempts to comply. 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You will find that it will definitely be actually challenging not to become pleased along with your shower after you enable on your own to see and feel just how excellent your shower truly is for you! Include new, free of cost web content to your site such as newest articles, web tools, and quotations along with a singular item from code! LOVING/having PASSION for your task, partner, area you stay in, your loved ones, individuals around you - ALL make a HUGE difference with ones degree in happiness!!!! You have an excellent outstanding brain, and that chunk between your ears will produce something that will definitely create you wealthy and rich. The tour is actually led by specialist resources that are competent and knowledgeable in their languages (English, Spanish). This will definitely make you relatively strange and the viewers detects this quite quickly. 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I am actually certainly not satisfied or depressing/ Simply up or even down/ And also regularly negative," she performs on the hazy ballad Pleased." And also the cd looks into merely that, the spaces as well as appears in between satisfied and low. But in order to enjoy our team must unlearn every thing our company have actually ever thought about and even lived concerning joy and happiness.

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yogidreamz-blog · 8 years ago

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Healing Nuances

It isnt a one time thing and boom you're there.. Its a journey, man. It is not for the faint of heart. Love is all encompassing.. Nothing is excluded. The darkest parts of yourself are so there, we cant exclude those parts.. Or else we are only loving the good parts of ourselves. And thats not all encompassing.. Its false. Learning to embrace our shadows, to embrace all of our challenging life lessons. It is a life work. We are brought up in a society where it is the social norm to rag on yourself. When it comes to loving ourselves wholly, it involves us unlearning a lot of what society has programmed into us already. The more we grow, the more we learn about ourselves and who we really are. To love ourselves entirely, we must know ourselves entirely.. Spending time in solitude is vital for self love. In a world where we are externally stimulated most of the time, we soak up and process so much outside information.. And we end up neglecting everything that is happening within us. Some days are easier than others.. And with anything in life that you try to pursue, there will be moments when you feel so low you might feel like you don't know yourself. Everyone is different, everyone needs different remedies for their own healing. Just always know that wherever you are in your journey is exactly where you need to be. There are days when I truly despise myself.. And in those moments I go to a mirror. I look myself in the eyes. And I remind myself that I am more. I am more than this body. I am more than this mind. I am more than my emotions. I am divine.. I am love itself. And those parts of myself where it is so dark; I send love there. Its not really something I can describe. But I send myself kindness.. And acceptance. Knowing that without these parts of myself that I am not keen on I would not be whole.. I have lost so many friends and lovers throughout my journey simply because I needed to move on and keep going. People in my life have called me selfish because I refuse to drown with them any longer. You can be there for others; but there is a difference in being supportive and getting swept up into other peoples drama.. We have to protect ourselves and always do whats best for us. Coming back to our center, and making decisions that are nourishing for our selves. Mind, body, and soul.. Because lets be honest. It is easy to stay the same, it is easy to hide, and run away from all that is happening inside. But something shifts.. When you refuse to hide anymore. When you are in solitude, and all of the shit that you have kept inside begins to bubble up.. It is so hard to sit with it. To experience the neglect that you have put on yourself. But its something we must do.. When we experience everything we have repressed, all the badness and the goodness.. We let it go, man. Because we dont need it anymore. Try looking into your own eyes and just being silent for a few minutes. Just breathing.. Just see what comes up. Without judgment. Just notice what happens inside. Notice any patterns that exist. In the way you talk to yourself.. In the way that you think. Paying attention to the way you treat yourself is important. I remember something I once read, "if you wrote the words in your mind on your skin would you still be beautiful?". And that really struck a deep chord with me. It seems so simple to be kind to others.. But we seem to think of ourselves last. Or at least with me.. And thats not how it truly goes, man. Its inside from outside. Nobody is going to take the garbage out for us. For me, meditation has transformed my life. Sitting with myself is how I have gotten to really know who I am.. And let go of parts of myself that were not true to me. Writing is another thing that is healing for me.. And painting. Being in nature. Music. God.. Fucking music is everything to me man. Discover what works for you. Like I said.. It is a life's work. We have all already come so incredibly far. Become a little lighter with shedding some baggage. Its not easy.. It is the hardest, but most worth it thing I have ever done.. Deciding to get to know and love myself. When we take these steps.. We begin creating lives that we truly deserve. Lives that we are actually meant to live. Do what inspires you and make you feel alive. Flow through life.. The ups and downs. And know that both are necessary for wholeness. Notice the moments when you are mean to yourself, and forgive yourself. Nobody has your back like you do. Be your rock man. You are a wonderful, unique individual.. Loving ourselves is the best thing we can do in this life. I know this is super long.. But it came from my heart and my soul. I really hope this helps. If you ever need support man I'm here for you. We have all been through so much shit.. Sometimes we forget the center of ourselves is that pure love that we all crave. Remind your self you are worthy. Remind yourself you are divine. ðŸ’«

#healing

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