#its just a easier way of saying 'yea i draw my powers from a dark lord who wants to kill everything ever'

[stormyykat]

shadow magic and its relation to witchdoctors (HEADCANON!!)

okay so in this post im gonna discuss my ideas for how shadow magic is related to witchdoctor magic! once again, this is all heacanon for my wizards/pirates spiral.

warning this post is long. lol.

so im gonna start off with how magic in the spiral relates to each other in general. also for Reasons, i have changed ‘hoodoo’ to ‘witchcraft’.

astral schools - magics that were created by combining 3 (or more) of the main 7 schools. they share attributes and abilities with the schools they were created with. astral magic is very hard to master, which is why only few beings in the spiral are able to use them as their main school. instead, they are mostly learned as to enhance the main schools.

main schools - standard magic schools. have been studied thoroughly and can be safely learned by the people of the spiral.

shadow magic - like the astral schools, shadow magic is a combination of the main magic schools. shadow magic was the attempt to combine all 7 schools into one, however it was much too powerful. during these experiments, the being known as The Shadow was created, and while efforts have been made to destroy it, The Shadow persists, funneling shadow magic into every part of the spiral. shadow magic has no stable form, and if one were to try and main this magic, it would destroy them quickly overtime, feeding The Shadow’s power. even casual use of shadow magic can corrupt even the most pure-hearted wizards.

light magic - an attempt to create magic that rivaled The Shadow, made out of the Sun and Star astral schools. this type of magic wasnt very strong, and was quickly destroyed by The Shadow. however, rumors in avalon say a being made of pure light lurks in the forests, slowly growing stronger.

witchcraft - once shadow magic reached darkmoor, the humans there found a way to contain it. through vigorous research, testing, and attempts to contain The Shadow, witchcraft was born. witchcraft was able to do what the scholars of the past could not, it could contain shadow magic. with time, witchcraft evolved to not only use shadow magic, but pull from the original 7 schools as well, like Storm and Death. since then, the magic has been even more refined, with little room for shadow magic to take control. however, wizards still think that witchcraft is too dangerous to be considered a proper school of magic.

shadow magic and shadow corruption

so, shadow magic as a school by itself.

shadow magic is very unstable. you must have shadow pips in order to cast shadow magic, so shadowmancers push themselves to be connected with The Shadow. the deeper connection with The Shadow, the more powerful the magic, however, the chance of the user being killed by their own magic grows higher. shadow magic is much too powerful for one body, and slowly destroys the wizard using it.

shadow corruption happens with the consistent use of shadow magic. shadowmancers usually get corrupted willingly, feeding themselves into The Shadow. casual user corruption takes time, but happens eventually.

corruption usually starts at the palms, and slowly grows up the arm. however, because shadowmancers are willing to be corrupted, their corruption starts near the head and trickles down.

since they are corrupted by shadow for a very long time, shadowmancers actions become influenced by The Shadow. The Shadow’s end goal is to absorb the entirety of the spiral, including its patrons. It begins to encourage more dangerous heights of shadow magic, to the point the user fully relinquishes itself to The Shadow.

(heres a doodle of my OCS, Skullgarden and Jack. Skullgarden has been corrupted for almost a decade, while Jack has only been corrupted for a few months. Jack has full control of his actions and thoughts, but Skullgarden is losing themself to The Shadow.)

witchcraft and shadow corruption

since witchcraft is like a tamed version of shadow magic, shadow corruption pretty much never happens at all. the magic is safe to use, just like the main 7 schools. in fact, The Shadow is weakened by the mere existence of witchdoctors. however, it does not experience wide practice, because while its safe, its not easy. a witchdoctor must have the will to push past The Shadow to master their craft, and if they dont, they risk becoming shadowmancers themselves.

witchcraft is flexible, and can be changed and bent in many different ways. while you can harness the shadow, you can also harness the powers of the main 7 schools. many witchdoctors like to combine shadow with its roots, popular choices being death, storm, and fire for the strongest of spells. a witchdoctors eyes will change colors to represent the school of magic they draw from the most. (ex; purple/storm, gray/death, orange/fire, etc)

speaking of harnessing shadow, a witchdoctor has the ability to harness raw shadow magic, however it is risky. if a witchdoctor chooses to do so, they will more than likely suffer from corruption, but starting at the palm. this will only happen if they choose to harness it.

(a doodle of my witchdoctor Stephen. he has chosen to tap into raw shadow magic once, and luckily was not overtaken by it. however, he still suffered from shadow corruption. hes fine tho, dw)

so yeah!! this was fun to write and draw for....might do more like this in the future :]!! if u have any questions feel free to ask me!!! i love talking abt world building.

[nightfayre]

hi im the anon ! i dont remember what i said >

and I’m alarmed by the fandom mentality. Maybe HT means good - but how would we know? we don’t have access to his thoughts - but we must judge his actions, and his actions are for the least very troubling. It’s always abt coercing Mo and not respecting his boundaries. I see the trope “when she says no, she means yes” here and once again, the fact the fandom swallows it uncritically (bc HT is a poor, hot tortured boy) is alarming. Forcing Mo to wear his gift stinks of “this is my possession, don’t mess wt him” 2/5

Maybe im pessimistic n its actually to protect him by distance, but once again he totally disregards Mo’s will. What if he doesnt want to be protected ? what if he doesnt want to be an object to be pass around between self-entitled psychos ? The first step to protect and help someone is by listening to them. I hope Mo will react strongly and will tell HT that by saying this, he’s no different from She Li. And i hope that would provoke HT to self-reflect a lot - smth he lacks tremendously. 3/5

That being said i love HT and tianshan! And what i love is how realistic and flawed they are. Theyre both hyper violent, distrustful, and severly lacking in communication skills. Im thrilled to see how theyre going to evolve -for the better or the worse, both is good for me. But i’m very disappointed by the fandom reaction like “ooh how cute hes possessive it means love!” or “actually its not bad doing HT doing that bc his intentions are good”. 4/5

And I will be vry, vry disappointed if OX decides to follow this trend and to not show how this kind of actions is detrimental to their reliationship and use the tired and dangerous trope of “being violent means that you care”. I trust them to be more nuanced than that bc until now they are great at drawing grey relationship. So yea i hope next chapter, tianshan plunges (before being better). Anw sry for the rant, and plz continue the good work !! 5/5

phew. there’s a lot to unpack here – but I agree wholeheartedly with you. since this post is already kinda long, I will put my answer/explanation under the cut!

the parts that I bolded in your asks are what I intend to focus on in this answer. strap in, because this is going to be a long one. 

before anything, let me put a disclaimer: I love He Tian. I love Guan Shan. I love Old Xian. I love tianshan, and I love where they are headed in the manhua. does that mean I also love where tianshan are right now? no, it doesn’t. and I’m here to explain why I look forward to their potential rather than their current relationship’s dynamics.  

one of the hardest parts about being in a fandom is being able to separate fiction, reality, and morality. this is especially hard when a fandom is as old and endearing as 19 Days, and when you fall in love with & are rooting for all the characters. furthermore, 19 Days is not a tragedy. of course, when Jian Yi disappears, it will be tragic. but otherwise the majority of the manhua is a comical, romantic slice-of-life plot. as such, it’s easier for what would usually be seen as blaring issues/problems in tragedies to be disregarded for comedy or, in some cases, romance in a comedic, romantic slice-of-life. 

this is exactly the case with tianshan. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: He Tian’s current relationship with Guan Shan is not healthy. he doesn’t listen to Guan Shan. he doesn’t respect his personal space. he doesn’t know where to draw the line. he doesn’t know how to properly communicate with him, and thus resorts to violence or threats. tianshan just have a problem with communication. and, sure, maybe it can be chalked up to the fact that they’re young and stressed and don’t know any better. but that excuse is almost as bad as the “boys will be boys” excuse, and that doesn’t make it any better nor does it justify their actions. 

He Tian’s idea of relationships is so twisted, and as I talked about in a previous answer, it can probably be stemmed back to his trauma with the puppy Cheng took away from him. I won’t get too deep into that since I explained it in detail in that answer, but keep this in mind nonetheless: He Tian grew up in a family of violence, distance, miscommunication, and lies. it’s all he’s ever known, and that’s what he’s applying to his relationship with Guan Shan. does that make it right? no, absolutely not. but he’s learning. 

when Guan Shan had a panic attack at the restaurant, He Tian learned that people aren’t robots/pawns to use at his disposal and rather have their own strong emotions/backgrounds that shape them. thus, he brought Guan Shan home without a word. when he had his night terror and woke up to Guan Shan holding his hands, He Tian realized that there are parts of Guan Shan he still doesn’t know and, potentially, an aspect of their relationship that they’ve only started to uncover. thus, he thanked him without preamble and with a bowed head. 

what I’m trying to say is that He Tian does have good intentions at times, but not always. he’s learning as he goes, because god knows he didn’t have a family to teach him how healthy relationships should be. there probably is a part of He Tian that only wants to protect Guan Shan against She Li, but he certainly doesn’t show it in the right way. he acts possessive because he knows that if he doesn’t, he’ll lose what he loves (*insert flashback to the puppy*). again, does that make it right? hell no. jealousy and possessiveness are not cute and are entirely unhealthy in a relationship. the fandom should view them as such, but should also keep an open mind when considering He Tian’s background. 

and honestly, the reason why I’m focusing so much on He Tian right now rather than Guan Shan is because if it were up to Guan Shan, he would’ve dropped He Tian within the first few days (maybe even hours) of meeting him. but because of He Tian’s persistence, Guan Shan has no choice but to be involved with him and retaliate when He Tian verbally/physically/emotionally attacks him. nonetheless, Guan Shan has tried to walk away from He Tian on multiple occasions when He Tian’s teasing became too much, and on those occasions, He Tian has given in. (ex. I can’t find the exact chapter, but there is a chapter in which Guan Shan refuses to use He Tian’s fork to eat He Tian’s leftovers, and he gets up and says, “I’m going home,” to which He Tian replies, “Fine, fine, I’ll buy you new food.”)

so yes – tianshan certainly have flaws. He Tian holds too much power, and Guan Shan can’t catch a break. the fandom romanticizes their interactions, but if you take a moment to think realistically and recognize that character flaws are essentially bad but also critical for character development, then there is an even balance in the readers’ relationship with the manhua. don’t support He Tian’s violent interactions with Guan Shan and claim “omg He Tian loves Guan Shan sooooo much when he forces Guan Shan to do XYZ,” but rather support the fact that he hasn’t physically manhandled/harmed Guan Shan in many chapters. support and celebrate He Tian’s development, not his flaws. 

and as for what you said about Guan Shan telling He Tian that he’s “no better than She Li”? while I don’t think He Tian is truly as bad as She Li, I actually think that would be a painful, great, and pivotal moment in their relationship. after all, the most consequential scene in tianshan’s relationship thus far has been the kiss. at that moment, Guan Shan had told He Tian outright that he disgusted him and to leave him alone. since then, I don’t think He Tian has ever looked so… taken aback. unsettled. 

and guess what? their relationship has only gotten better since then, and He Tian hasn’t touched him like that again. 

I don’t know, anon. it’s a tough call. I think tianshan have a lot more chapters ahead of them, and I don’t think Old Xian will allow them to end on bad terms. actually, I don’t think Old Xian will allow them to end on the terms that they’re on right now. they can only improve from here on out, but how Old Xian will go about showing that improvement is unknown to us. there are many paths this story can take, but rather than worrying about what might happen, let’s focus on the here and now. let’s focus on the problems at hand, and let’s focus on the development the characters are undergoing. 

don’t ignore the wrongness/cruelty of characters’ actions, but don’t romanticize them either. if you do, you’re only doing a disservice to the character’s personality, existence, and the author’s intentions.

(and as for this newest chapter specifically: I see why people can get excited about He Tian telling Guan Shan to wear the earrings. He Tian wants to verify to both himself and She Li that Guan Shan is with him now. that Guan Shan is no longer under She Li’s control. who doesn’t love a little verification of their OTP’s relationship, especially when it involves an enemy?

but at the same time, it’s unhealthy. Guan Shan doesn’t have a say. he’s being handed around like an object. I don’t think this is pessimistic thinking; I think it’s the truth that no one wants to acknowledge/hear. but I’m not saying that tianshan is wrong in this chapter; I’m saying that He Tian has good intentions, but he’s not showing them correctly. and there will be a chapter in which he does show them correctly, but we must travel this rocky road before we get to that point. patience is key, and I cannot wait until He Tian and Guan Shan reach that moment of clarity. you can’t have light without the dark.)

[roaringheat]

Wait so what happened to barrett, pleasE, i want to know more!

Im so happy you asked holy shit

Under a read more cause it’s just as long as the last one lmao

I really should have done this before talking about Morgan but im doing it now i guess!! So, starting over again, Barrett goes into the woods to experiment with plant photography cause Morgan likes the outdoors and Barrett wanted to gift him those plant photos as a kinda thank you for the camera thing. I also want to mention that both Barrett and Morgan are in their early to mid 20s rn. He’s wandering and taking pics along the way when suddenly he spots a big bush of pink marigolds. The kind of marigolds that are bigger and have a bunch of smaller ruffled looking petals. He’s immediately intrigued and he doesn’t know exactly why but he starts walking towards it. He’s never seen pink marigolds before and there seemed to be some kind of glow about them so because of that, he crouches down to get some close up pics. The bush suddenly lashes out, immediately grabbing hold of him and dragging him in and thorns that weren’t there before are now suddenly digging into his skin. At this point, he’s thrashing around and being pretty loud which catches the attention of someone named Muriel as she steps into view. She’s a black woman in her late 30s who could be described as a “witch” kind of but i dont really think that term suits her. She’s brandishing an axe covered in charms, got this iridescent cloak sort of outfit, has some gold lines on her face, and both her eyes are this solid dark blue. No pupils or anything. But yea she happens upon this scene cause she was out on a routine check to find and destroy things that have gotten mutated due to the “magic” she does in her house nearby. This plant in particular had basically mutated pretty far to the point where it became basically a carnivore. The reason Barrett was attracted to it so quickly was,because of the mutation, the plant could attract/lure humans and some animals within reaching distance so it could attack and eat them. Everything caused by the mutation is the “glow” Barrett saw which was actually a faint pink aura, the ability to move, and the thorns which were used kinda like venom in the way that with enough of it its supposed to kill the victim quickly so that the attacker can eat with ease. So Muriel is feeling pretty responsible for Barrett being in this position so she goes over and gets him out of there and kills the bush with her axe. The plant managed to get a bit of the venom stuff in Barrett’s system so he’s weak and kinda just passes out after getting saved. Muriel hoists him over her shoulder and takes him back to her house a little further into the woods. She genuinely feels like shit for indirectly being responsible for this so she decides to keep an eye on him til he’s ok again. Barret wakes up in a spare shitty bed in Muriel’s place in the most excruciating pain he’s ever felt all over him as if his whole body was on fire. He launches himself out of bed but just drops to the ground again basically screaming. and Muriel bursts into the room and doesn’t know what to do but she sees him on the ground in pain and then notices he now has this pink aura around him and it starts clicking into place for her. Basically with the venom from the plant, its kinda like a zombie bite. The intent is to kill but if bitten and then left alive, the person would turn into a zombie. In this situation with the plant, the venom was never meant to turn others but yet since Barrett got the venom in his bloodstream and wasnt killed, the plant has basically grown in his body and given him all it’s abilities including some extra stuff. But yea back to the scene, he’s basically begging her to stop the pain in any way possible and so she knocks him out. When he wakes up the 2nd time, the pain is a lot more dull but now he’s freaking out cause he’s now noticing the pink aura and like he almost fuckin died and now he’s in some stranger’s house. Muriel explains to him all of what happened and Barrett is kinda a dick to her cause he absolutely doesnt trust her and i mean like he’s a white man in the 1920s. Ofc Muriel doesn’t take too kindly to that but she’s convinced if she lets him leave while he has no control over the shit that he got into, he’ll get killed. So he stays with her for about a year and eventually they warm up to eachother. That whole year, they both learn most of what exactly Barrett can do now. As far as appearance, his eyes have changed into this shimmery pastel pink and he’s gained that same pink aura that the plant had so his whole body looks tinted pink. They make him look pretty fuckin inhuman so Muriel teaches him how to suppress it so he look normal. It’s easy for him to do (just a bit uncomfortable) as long as he’s in a stable mental state and as soon as he stops holding it back, it’ll come right back out again. As for abilities, He can grow and control those marigolds branches/vines from his skin, heal quicker and more efficiently so he’s a lot harder to kill (although serious wounds can still take him a couple days to heal), and he’s gained the same attraction ability that the plant used to lure victims. This mainly makes people immediately trust him and easier for him to manipulate which comes into play a lot later on. Then they find another ability of his thats completely different than anything the plant had and this one is 100% my favorite. If Barrett is making physical contact with someone else’s skin, he can bring out the most recent emotion that person is feeling towards the person theyre looking at and like amplify it to the extreme. So like for example, if person A is mildy frustrated at that moment with person B and theyre looking person B, when Barrett uses that ability on person A, itll amplify that frustration and make person A suddenly extremely hostile towards person B even if they would never hurt person B normally. It always depends on the most recent feeling towards someone so a lot of the time Barrett has no way of knowing what he’s amplifying and which emotion will come out. Depending on how much effort he puts into using this ability, this effect can last from 15 minutes - an hour. Its harder for him to use it on anyone who isnt human so he has to put significantly more effort and usually wont last as long as it would on a human which i absolutely did on purpose cause i introduce more nonhuman characters later and its really cool. The way to tell if someone is under that effect (other than the abnormal behavior ofc) is that theyre eyes will turn the same shade of pink as Barrett’s are when he’s not holding everything back. The draw backs to using this though is that the more effort he puts, the harder it is for him to keep himself looking normal. So if he were to use that ability with like full force, he wouldnt be able to hold back the aura, eye color, or any branches growing from him. So basically he has to be real careful. Its really useful for fights/ self defense tho which i have a lot of scenes like that planned out. But yea Barrett and Muriel find this out cause he accidentally does it on Muriel during an arguement. Muriel is looking at Barrett at that moment and was currently feeling immense guilt for everything that happened to him so when Barrett accidently amplified that she just starts sobbing. It doesnt last long cause although Muriel is technically human, she has some powers herself due to “worshipping” this beetle god which is a whole nother story lmao. But yea anyway, Barrett learns how to control all his shit over that whole year staying with Muriel and once they both think he’s gotten a decent amount of control, Barrett goes back to normal society and brings Muriel with him since theyve gotten really close in that period of time. Muriel tells him not to tell anyone in fear that he’ll be hurt but he doesn’t really listen. And like you guys already know he goes to Morgan and then Virginia and tells them all about everything that happened. Virginia takes it a lot better than Morgan obviously. For a short period of time before Morgan starts going crazy, Barrett, Muriel, Virginia, and Morgan all become like a kind of friend group. Once Morgan starts getting paranoid and reclusive, it gradually falls apart. Muriel has been staying with Virginia since coming with Barrett back to society which is why she was there when the hitman Morgan hires is threatening Virginia. You guys know the basics of all of what happens next pretty much. There’s more scenes with Virgina in between this and Morgan’s death but they aren’t really major scenes. She does try a few times to fix everything with Barrett and Morgan but obviously it doesn’t work out. So skipping to after Barrett and Muriel flee, like i said Barrett is never caught cause ya know 1920s crime investigations were shit lmao. The murder does cause uproar for a while cause of how weird it is what with all the flowers and Morgan’s weird behavior before his death. and cause Morgan was almost famous. Barrett becomes pretty untrusting towards humans after this and as the years pass with Muriel he gets to the point of just straight up hating them and hating being referred to as one. I have ideas for events that happen in between the 1920s and modern times for Barrett and Muriel but don’t have anything set in stone yet. Around late 1920s early 1930s they discover that Barrett’s aging has also been affected. At this point they dont know how much but its obvious hes gonna have a longer life span than most humans. Barrett gets really upset thinking about out living Muriel and basically begs her to work some “magic” so she’ll live longer cause she’s pretty much the only person he trusts completely. Muriel says no cause tampering with the natural cycle of things rubbed her the wrong way. They get into an argument where Barrett is mainly just pleading with her and she storms out. While she’s out tho she decides to do it for him and arranges some stuff to pause her aging until she decides to let it keep going again. There’s drawbacks to this kinda magic of course but i still havent decided what exactly. So basically after this point her body stays aged in her early 40s. Years past and its modern times and Barrett and Muriel are now a little over 100 years old. Barrett’s only aged about 15 years since now he looks to be in his early 40s as well. He’s definitely adapted with the current life style a little bit but still really keeps an old timey way of speech and clothing style. He’s changed a bit personality wise due to being alive so long tho. Him and Muriel have become very nihilistic. Barrett still really resents humans especially with how his attraction ability makes them all so trusting of him and predictable which has gotten boring for him. He’s kinda gotten a bit of a superiority complex due to believing he’s above humans in every way but learns to be charming and fake nice around them to not raise suspicion. Then they meet those 2 nonhuman ocs i briefly mentioned earlier! I got a lot of plot stuff for modern times as well as currently working on figuring out more stuff for Muriel and Barrett back in the 1930s and 40s but this has gotten insanely long and probably more than you even wanted to know so ill leave it at that!

[tellerford13]

MO ASTOR- CHAPTER 23

We don’t own the bikes, brothers, or any “related” Sons of Anarchy, trust us, if we did we wouldn’t have the time to write. No money is being made from our stories. So, please don’t sue. It’d be a fruitless endeavor indeed. That being said, Harley, Journee, and any other newbies are ours, and we don’t share. :Whispers in creepy voice: “My precious.” The universe This reality is a mix of cannon, and our own ideas. We strive to keep the boys cannon, but since we will be shifting around some of the events, that will reflect in our writing and their personalities as well. It’s our goal to provide you with quality fiction, and solid, fleshed out OFC. We appreciate constructive criticism and love LOVE reviews, they are a writers life blood and definitely help encourage us and inspire us. We will be posting on our Tumblr where we’ll have fun pictures from time to time as well. http://tellerford13.tumblr.com We’ll also be taking requests for one shots, preferences or imagines for all things Sons at our other Tumblr, so check it out and send your thoughts!http://tellerford13oneshots.tumblr.com/ And just for fun, we’ve decided to start a Pinterest for the story! So if you want a glimpse at our girls and see into our world, check it out! https://www.pinterest.com/tellerford/

                                                       A/N: A huge round of thanks to all of you amazing folks for your patience. As you guys know, Telford is a writer, she’s got four books coming out this month. Imagine the editing… yeap it was horrific. Teller has a busy career and schooling of her own, and sometimes life prevents them from posting as they’d like. We love your comments, emails, and reviews. It really keeps us going.  Thank you for your continued support!

                                         Chapter-Twenty-Three

Chibs

I study my sleeping bride as the airplane taking us back to the states flies through the night. It’s been a busy two weeks full of remembering and healing. Seeing Greer and Padric was cathartic for me soul. They were okay. Healthy, happy, and moved on with their life. Leaving the way I had, forced me out of their lives as well as Kerrianne’s. Kerrianne. The thought of my daughter puts me in a strange place. I’m proud of the young woman she’s becoming. She’s lovely, intelligent, and kind according to Padric and the pictures I’ve seen of her over the years. The best wedding gift other than my bride was the phone call Padric arranged.

~

“Heya cousin. I got someone for ya to talk too.”

“No, it’s not me ma. Are you alone? Good. Close your door.” Padric hands me the phone, and I swallow hard as my heart thumps in my chest. Journee squeezes my hand, and I open my mouth.

“Hullo?”

“Hullo?” Her soft voice responds and my heart skips a beat.

“It’s yer Da.”

Silence falls between us.

“Da?”

“Aye. I’m visiting with Paddy and his mother, w-with me wife, Journee.”

“Oh. How…How are you?”

“I’m perfect now, Lass.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say anything ye want. Hearing your voice is all I need.”

“Oh. I-I’m good. Lazy day, no school, and I’ve been in my bedroom reading.”

“Do you like books, love?”

“Aye. I’d like to be a writer one day I think.”

I close my eyes and lose myself in the soft, sweet sound of her voice.  “I know you could if ye put your mind to it.”

“You think so?” “I know so. I may not be able to see you myself or speak with ya, but I’ve kept up with you over the years.”

“You did?”

“Aye. You’re me flesh and blood. Padric will be taking letters from you if ye want. We...” I swallow and look to Journee who nods her head. “We could write each other?”

“What about… I mean would it be safe?”

“We’ll be careful love. No one will find out.” “I’d like that a lot.”

“Good. I have to go now my beautiful girl, but we’ll be in touch, yea?”

“Yea, Da.”

She hangs up, and I close my eyes. I just heard my daughter call me Da for the first time I can really remember. Tears blur my vision.

~~~~~~~

PRESENT

Things are finally coming back around for me. I’m doing more than making it from day to day running on empty. Alcohol was my fuel for so long. The thing that numbed the pain blurred the memories and kept me functioning. I leaned on Journee more than I should’ve, but she never turned me away, and I clung to that in many ways. I’d been lying to myself about my leanaan for so long, I almost started to believe it.

~

PAST

I can’t handle the club tonight. Not on Kerrianne’s birthday. I ignore Tig’s whine for me to return as I weave my way through the crowd out into the night air. My chest is tight, and my nerves are short. Getting drunk is a must, but I find tonight I don’t want to do it alone. There’s only one person I can stand to be around when I get dark like this. I walk to my bike and start her up with two things on my mind, Whiskey and Journee.

I have the bottle open and another in the black bag I’m carrying as I take a long draw and walk up the driveway. There’s no bikes here, so I know we’ll be alone. Her home has become a haven for us when we need to get away. It’s not unusual to see Happy or Jax here when they need to get away. The door opens and I meet her kind eyes.

“Oh, Filip.”

Her words are full or sorrow, but I don’t feel pitied, only cared for. Only she has the power to do that. At the bottom of the stairs, we’re the same height. She cups my face with her hand. Her fingers graze my scar. I shiver, but it’s not with disgust or discomfort. I really am a rotten bastard. It’s not the first birthday I’ve ridden out here, I know in my heart, it won’t be the last.

“Are you up for a party, love?” I offer the bottle.

She accepts it and takes a long pull.

“Are you?”

My lips quirk upward. “Cheeky girl. Only ye could get a smile out of me on this day.”

“Come inside.” She steps back, and I follow her in. The scent of incense is a religious experience. I’m baptized by the sweet smell that I associate with the place I consider home.

“I was hoping you’d come by today.”

“Were ye now?”

She nods. “Saved me the trip to the clubhouse.”

“Why are ye so good to me bonnie lass?”

“We’re friends, aren’t we?” she asks.

I rake my gaze over her. In a flowing white dress with skinny straps that support her full breasts, she’d tempt a saint.  

“Aye, love. Best friends.”

She gives me a smile. “I thought maybe we could do something different today.”

“OH?” I take the bottle bag and chug. She pushes it down. “Yes, and I need you sober for it.”

I can think of a lot we could do sober, leannan. The stray thought is enough to make me hand over the bottle. “Tell me more.”

“You’ve shard a lot about Kerrianne with me. Why don’t we honor that?” She bites her lower lip, and I know she’s nervous. I want to hunt down her ex and kick his arse. She never used to be like this with me.

“Go ahead, love.”

“I have the ingredients to make a lemon cake. I hope I’m not overstepping my boundary, but I know that was her favorite, so I thought maybe we could make it?”

The thought of making my daughters favorite cake with the person I’m closest too nearly brings me to my knees. I place a hand on her shoulder and squeeze. “I think that’s a fine idea.”

“Yeah?” She glances up at me through her long dark lashes. I tuck her hair behind her ear and skim her delicate jawline with the backs of my knuckles.

“Aye.” I’m not the only one who needs healing. I can see the shadows that didn’t use to exist in her eyes. Even at my worse, I can pull it together enough to be here for her.

“Good, then we should head to the kitchen to get started.”

I nod my head, unable to speak around the lump in my throat. Her thoughtfulness knows no bounds. It’s more than I’m used to from a woman. My relationships have been few and far in-between, and none of the woman had an ounce of the kindness and giving nature. I used to think it was because their lives had made them harsh and hardened, but knowing that Journee came from tough stock has changed the way I think about them. It made it easier in some ways to accept what happened between me and Fiona. It was never going to be happily ever after. The old girl didn’t have it in her to give me what I’d need long term. Instead, we’d have remained together growing a bit bitter every year as the distance drifted in and separated as surely as the ocean now does.

I wash my hands, and we work together between drinks to make a traditional Irish lemon cake. I study the yellow cake as it cools.

“Did you know they call this an Irish lemon fairy cake? I think it was part of why Kerrianne loved it so much. She was obsessed with the Fae. I can’t tell you how many of their stories I read her over and over again.” I laugh as I remember her little face lighting up as I made up stories about the wee faeries that came in at night.

“Tell me a story?”

I glance over at her and laugh.

“I’m afraid I’m a bit rusty, love.”

She pouts.

“Ack. Put that away. I’ll tell ye a tale.”

She smirks.

“Little brat. There was once a dark haired little sprite with big brown eyes and a wild head of hair. She liked to bask in the sun and draw her markings for others.”

She giggles, and I smirk.

“Markings?”

“Aye she had a skilled hand, and all her markings brought her fellow sprites great joy. They came from all around the land to be marked by the dark-skinned beauty.”

“And did she live happily ever-after?”

“Of course she did, love.”

Her smile falters, and she looks away. “It should be time to dust it with powdered sugar now.” She moves to the cabinet, and I make a note to pay closer attention to her. She returns with a canister of sugar and a sifter.

“You sprinkle. I have a few things to set up in the other room. You can’t come out until I call you, Okay?”

“Right, leave me to do all the work.”

She kisses my cheek and walks off.  I admire her thick ass and take another draw off the bottle. It’s not the way a man should be looking at his best friend. Don’t fuck this up. A voice in my head begs.  I blink and refocus as warmth envelopes my body and the tension eases from me. The whiskey is doing its job.

“Okay, I’m ready for you.”

I stroll out to the living room and my eyes water. She’s set up a proper European birthday complete with white bunting on the wall and crackers. A white cake pedestal sits on the table waiting for the cake we just completed. A teapot, saucers, and cups, are waiting for hot water and tea leaves. I run my hand over my mouth, stunned.

“…Or I can get rid of it all.” She moves to grab the tea pot. I walk over, and still her hand, placing mine over hers. I shake my head no, unable to speak as I pull her to my chest and palm the back of her head. The liquor is racing through my bloodstream, along with the heavy emotions. My shoulders shake, I bury my face in her neck, and the flood gates break as I grieve for the loss I’ve been holding back with bottles of Jamison since I came to Charming.

She wraps her arms around me and holds on tight enough to keep me from completely falling apart. Drained, purged, and tipsy, I pull back.

“Better?”

“Aye, love. Hate for you to see me being such a misery guts.”

“There’s nowhere else I’d want you to be right now. You’ve been there for me. Now it’s my turn to return the favor, okay?” She wipes away the tears with her thumbs, and I clear my throat as I nod. Everyone one has their breaking point. Tonight was mine.

“Good now, let’s be rebels and have cake in bed. Get your boots, cut, and pants off. We’re slumming it.”

I smirk and salute her. “Aye, but don’t forget the whiskey?”

She rolls her eyes. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

I smirk. I like it when she lets me in her bed more than I should. But the sheets are always clean and sweet smelling, and with her warm body around mine, I have the best sleep I ever have.

~

PRESENT

I should’ve admitted then and there I wanted her, but I’ve always been a stubborn bastard. I was ashamed of my desires. She’s half my age, and back then she was just getting the shop off the ground and getting over that piece of shit, Kyle. I didn’t want to do anything that would feel like I was taking advantage of her. In the end, it all worked out as it should. I slid down in my seat, and rest my head on top of hers. I want to enjoy the peace we’ve found and the bubble we were allowed to live in for as long as possible, before we return to our chaotic living.

***

Jax

It’s amazing how you can know someone your entire life, and still not know them completely. Dating has allowed me to see Lee in an entirely different light. There’s a softness to her. A vulnerability I want to protect at all costs. I’ve see what a man can do to a woman in this life. I won’t see her beaten down and used up. I’ve always treated her like royalty because that’s what she is, a child of the first nine, equal to me in a different way because she’s a female and I’m a man. Now I know she’s going to be queen one day. I can do no more than treat her thus. I snicker and run my hand down my face. She’s got me breaking out the vocab I learned in high school.

It’s crazy how much love I have for her inside me. Once I took the blinders off, it was like a trickle of water turned into a waterfall. She’s everything I need. Funny, laid back, but tough and willing to fight if necessary. She knows all there is to know about me and my life. But most of all I trust her. She’s not going to leave me or fall off sobriety into a drug fueled backslide. That’s what always kept me from investing too deeply in Wendy. I never held it over her head…But after her second relapse, I knew she wasn’t someone I could fully depend on. I shut off from her after that, and I think that’s where the honeymoon phase ended, and we began to go south. She turned into a habit. I stayed because I had nothing better to do and it was familiar. That was stupid of me looking back. But it gets lonely after a while, and you get sick of sleeping with the same trim the brothers’ have passed around. It’s good in a bind, but kind of sad long term, unless you’re looking for that.  My mind goes to the older members who’d opted to stay permanent bachelors. For them, it was like hitting pay dirt.  Me, I always needed someone to feel close to. It’s why I was shit at leaving even when I couldn’t remain monogamous because I grew bored and disinterested.

Now that type of behavior is no longer an option. Lee is it, and I know she won’t put up with my bullshit. It’s why I’m chomping at the bit to see my sister. She always had a way of putting my mind at ease and walking me through things. Usually, If Baby J isn’t available I could just as easily go to Lee. But you can’t go to your girlfriend about your girlfriend, so Lee isn’t the only one anxiously waiting for her to return home. For all intents and purposes, this is my first grown up relationship. Wendy was playing house. I want to build a home with Harley, for my child and myself.

My child. The tiny being is the reason I’m driving toward my old home. We hadn’t seen or heard much from her since the wedding. That worried me. It was always something with her. Even if it was clear, she was calling just to bitch. After we came out at the wedding, not a peep was heard. Which is why we’re heading over unannounced. I don’t want her to have time to clean up any messes. I turn onto the street and park a few houses down. We leave the bike. The lawn is overgrown, and the house seems to have a dark cloud around it. My hackles rise, and I pick up the pace. I don’t even bother to knock. I take out my key and let us inside.

I scan the area. The house is dim. Dishes are piled up in the sink. My gut clenches.

“Wendy?” I call out.

“Jax?”

The voice is slurred. Fuck. I jog to the room we used to share and see her on the floor in the bathroom.

I rush toward her, and she heaves into the toilet bowl.

I fall to my knees beside her and grab her hair. “What’s going on?”

“Morning sickness,” she says from her position half in the toilet bowl.

Oh, thank God.

I glance at Lee whose hovering in the doorway. “If your morning sickness was this bad why didn’t you call someone?

“Who? You? You’re too busy playing house with your new woman, and I don’t have anyone else here.” She pushes into a seated position and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.  Lee steps inside grabs a washcloth and runs it under cold water.

“That has shit to do with me taking care of the sick mother of my child.”

She hiccupped. “I don’t want to be another baby mama. They’re treated like shit.”

“You think I’d be like that? We have a good arrangement going. Don’t fuck it up because you’re inside your head.”  I sweep my eyes over her. She looks clean. I hold out her hands and study her arms. No needle pricks.

“Let me see your feet, Wendy.”

She rolls her eyes and straightens out her legs. I search her toes for tracks.

“I’m clean. Jesus.”

“You can’t blame me for checking.”

She rolls her eyes.

Lee offers up a damp washcloth, and she snatches it away. I narrow my gaze, and she shrinks. “Thanks,” She mutters.

“Let’s get you into bed. I’ll have the prospects come by during the day and keep the place clean, yeah?”

“Whatever you say, your highness.”

I roll my eyes. “Don’t be a bitch.”

“I’m pregnant, alone, and sick as a dog, excuse me if my manners are lacking. You should have told me what was going on Jax.”

“What?”

“You and .her. I always knew you two had a thing, and there I am with my belly out to here in a black dress with everyone giving me pity filled glances. That was fucked up.”

“Hey. This wasn’t going on when we were together.”

She snorts. “Right.”

“I’m many things, but I don’t wreck homes. Your home was already broken, and Jax was already out the door.” Lee says from the doorway.

“And you had no problems opening your arms for him, right Lee?”

“Hey! I went after her. Your beef is with me,” I say.

She narrows his gaze. “Yes, it is. Look, I’m fine. Nausea is kicking my ass. You want to send Prospects by, fine. Let them help me keep the place up. You want to meet me at the hospital for appointments fine. You want me to keep up with you on the phone. You got it. But I don’t want to see this bitch in my home dogging your footsteps in my fucking place like she always belonged there. You owe me that shit.”

I bow my head. “Fine. You’ll deal with me.”

“Finally. It only took a year and a pregnancy to get your attention again.” She scoffs.

“You plan on being a bitch the entire time.”

“Yeah, I do.”

I roll my eyes, just grateful she hadn’t relapsed. I give a chuckle. “Fair enough.”

“Good. Now you saw me, examined me for tracks and helped me into bed. You can go.”

The undisguised rage and hurt in her eyes makes me recoil. I did that. I fucked up another person’s life when all they did was love me, and now my child is going to be caught up in the mess. My shit’s catching up with me and I’m seeing how my actions affect others. It’s an ugly realization.

***

“Are you okay?” Lee asks when we arrive back at her house.

“Not really. My kid hasn’t even arrived yet, and I’m entering world war three with his mom, and dude…She has a right to be pissed. I strung her along, dicked her over, and bailed when she told me she was pregnant.”

“You didn’t bail. Trust me I know leaving.” Lee places a hand on my shoulder.

“Didn’t I, though?”  I spear my fingers through her hair. “I’m over here happy, and she’s puking her guts up and barley able to take care of herself.” I shake my head. “What the fuck does that say about me?”

“It’s not like you knew Jax,” she says softly. I nod my head. I hear her words, but I’m conflicted. I stand and pace the length of her living room.

“Shit happens. You grew apart long before you knew she was pregnant. Step up, be the amazing father I know you can be for the child. That’s what’s important.”

The walls are closing in on me. I’m antsy, and for the first time in a long time, I’m uncertain.

“Harley, I need a minute.”

Her eyes widen. “Where are you going?”

“I just. I need to be alone and ride and clear my head. Maybe go see my Dad.”

She bites her lower lip and nods. She understands my nature. There are times when I’m better off by myself muddling through my thoughts.

“Alright. I’ll be here.”

“I won’t be long,” I promise. I bend and press a quick kiss to her lips before walking back the way I came. There’s too much noise going on in my head. I need silence to think. There’s nothing like the freedom I have on my bike. There’s a point where the wind blows everything out of my head, and I’m one with the bike, the road, and the sky. It’s a beautiful spiritual experience I can never explain to non-riders, so I’ve stopped trying.

I pull out of the driveway and weave through the streets, taking the bike onto the highway so I can hit that magical speed where nothing else matters. As I open up the engine, I can’t help but think of my own father. He was the strong, but level-headed type. There was an abundance of kindness, but he ruled with a strong hand, guiding, and disciplining when necessary. He was charismatic and sturdy, but not hardened by the life. Not the way Clay is, or even my mom. She laughed a lot more then. Until Tommy passed. Then they went silent and internal. I hated that period most.

I learned a lot about being a parent from my Old man. I could be that for this kid. They deserve to know the same stability and unending love. No matter how I fucked up, I never felt like my mom or dad wouldn’t back me. I can do this. I find myself doubling back and heading to the cemetery. I know my father’s soul isn’t here, but it makes me feel better when I have somewhere to focus my attention.

I park my bike beside the path and walk to his headstone.

“Hey, Dad. Guess you know I got myself into a real pickle huh? I’m going to be a father. It should be the happiest time of my life, but instead, I’m scared shitless. The mother can barely stand me, and I’m watching her like a hawk for signs of a relapse. Jesus, when I do anything, it’s never easy. You always said that and I’m still proving you right. ‘Cause to top it all off…I finally find the woman I want to be with forever. You know her pops, it’s Lee. I know, not a surprise to you at all. You always had a way of seeing things far beyond the moment.” I shove my hands into my jeans. “I got to get my shit together for my kid Dad. Problem is I ain’t sure how. There’s some shit I just can’t go to Mom with. You know how she can be. You leaving made her even more… over the top. Clay and I…well he never filled that Daddy role. I never wanted him too, and Tig…He changed man. He might’ve been your best friend once Dad, but I’m not sure you’d recognize him now. Clay’s twisted him into a tool he uses as needed.” I shake my head. My mind goes to Chibs and Journee. They’re my go to’s next to Lee and Op. But Op’s not accessible.

“I’ll talk to Baby J and Chibby tomorrow. They got married in an honest to God Castle Dad you would’ve enjoyed the show. Good to see the bastard and my sister happy. They deserve it.” I think of the long way around they took, and how well it worked out and my panic recedes enough for me to breath. I don’t have a plan yet, but I will soon.