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thegeminisage · 5 years ago

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alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

ARE

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too)

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING!

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

#personal #merlin blogging #it took me three and a half hours to rewatch this episode because i kept pausing to scream #MERLIN DESERVES TO BE OUT TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME it's not FAIR #that episode deserved to be 20 minutes longer it ended too soon #in a happier world arthur found out about the magic and immediately took merlin's side and defended him against the genocidal maniac but app #apparently this show is a greek tragedy now

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tumblunni · 6 years ago

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Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..

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miniwixoide · 7 years ago

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survee =)

Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? no!! How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? like two Who last grabbed your ass? cartoon pirate

Do you get a ‘Good Morning’ text from someone every day? no

Do you have any gay family members? not that i know of Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? eva B Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? i mean yeah on a larger scale Was your first kiss romantic? not romantic just really cute and friendly Do you know anybody whose last name is a color? yes What are you most likely to go to jail for? drug stuff Do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? yes Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? lena Is there someone that always intimidates you? kind of :/ its dumb Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? yeah Would you ever get a boob job? i fantasize about it but no Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? idk both? Do you ever ignore texts from some people? yeah Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? no!!! When is the last time you felt left out? idk recently When was the last time you flirted with someone? today Yellowcard vs Straylight Run, pick: idk anything about them sooo What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? i don’t really know.. it would feel weird Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? lol. i have but never again What does your last text message say? too personal to say :p What color is your hair right now? dark brown Do people ever compliment your eyes? yeah Have you ever lied to your boyfriend/girlfriend? i don’t think so but maybe Do people ever tell you that you’re funny? yess :) Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? yes because its a fucked up industry not because i’d be jealous How many people has your best friend had sex with? i don’t know What’s the last song you listened to? happy by 2ne1 loooollll Who’s the last person that hung up on you? angry man calling at my workplace Are you a bitch? sometimes Four days from now, will you have sex? (bgc judy maybe so gif) Do you look intimidating? i’ve been told that but i don,t feel that way What does your second to last text say? can,t whip out my phone right now bosses are watchingg :/ What makes you laugh? so many things :D What were you most looking forward to today? yoga class How is your hair? side pompom ponytail What are your initials? MDG What’s your biggest fear? nuclear war Look outside how’s the weather? very cold :( and cloudy Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? yes!!! When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? i don’t remember Are you worried about anything right now? not really How do you think tomorrow will be? good, relaxing :) fun Do you wish you could take one thing back? yeah Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? no If you could pack your bags right now and were given a plane ticket, where do you go? japan....... Have you ever given anyone more than three chances? LOL yes im How far away are you from the person you have feelings for? i don’t really have feelings for anyone but like 20km Your last ex calls wanting to hangout, what do you say? no Where were you at 2 this morning? in my bed talking on the foam Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a K? yeah Have you accidentally sent a text to the wrong person? like once..... im a capricorn Last time you were TOTALLY happy? are we ever...... Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? probably not Ever given your all to someone who walked away? not my all but almost Have you ever done your makeup in class? yes Is there anything currently hurting on your body? yes How old were you when you stopped sleeping with a night light? i don’t remember Ever kissed someone with green eyes? yes Are you a jealous person? not really....sometimes i get jealous but it doesnt last When you are home alone, do you still close the door when you shower? no Are you mad at anyone right now? no Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? reasonable Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now? yeah Have you held hands with anyone in the past 30 hours? no Do you have a friend named Ashley? no How often do you sleep in? like once a week at most Will you be in a relationship next month? probably not Do you stay up later than ten o’clock on a week night? yes Who’s the last person you told a secret to? sophie Have you met someone in the last year who turned out to be amazing? yeah :) new friends!! Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? mayyyybe :P Do you miss anyone? yeah Would you rather have big or small dogs? medium size Will you cry tonight? mayyybe Do you have respect for people even if you don’t like them? depends :P What’s one fruit you love in drinks? raspberry! What was the most people you ever tripped in front of? i don’t know hahaha Have you ever tried wine? yes Can heartbreak happen all at once, or over a long period of time? both In your life, do you plan on visiting other countries? well yeah Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? no. Is there an ex you want to make up with? no Do you take compliments well? yes :)

Does cuddling freak you out? no unless it’s likeee someone i’m uncomfortable with in the first place How much time do you take to get ready in the morning? 15-20mins Do you love where you live? yeah :) What do you label yourself as? labels are for soup cans :) Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? idk !!! Will your next kiss be drunk or sober? only time will tell Are you a mean person? i don,t think so Do you wear high heels everyday? hell no Do you fall asleep texting every night? no Are you an aunt or an uncle? no Were you texting someone right before you fell asleep last night? no Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? How many? yes i don’t remember Name someone who made you smile today? sophie Are you happy? yes :) Are you an alcoholic? no Can you go a day without thinking about the person that’s on your mind now? these days no..... Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? absolutely i plan to Does anyone know every little detail about you? no Does it bother you when someone lies to you? well duh What’s one thing you really want right now? many things :p Who all do you have texts from in your phone? a bunch of people Who do you trust most as of now? I like to think myself, but I don’t even know if I trust myself right now.

^^^ oh shit Who was the last person you took a picture with? melissa Do you have a younger sister? no Did anything “cute” happen today? yeah every time i saw my cute face in a mirror Are you wearing shoes right now? yes Have you ever just laid outside and looked at the stars? yeah :) Do feet gross you out? not really unless they’re gross Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? not really no Do you smile everyday? yes :) Who are you more like, mom or dad? MOM !!!!! Could you date someone shorter than you? yep Where do you wish you were right now? somewhere cushy :) Have a crazy side? LOL? Something you do a lot? werk Angry at anyone? no Describe your life in one word? life :p Who was the last person who gave you a hug? roommate What is your natural hair color? brown How many people have you kissed? can’t be bothered counting

How many of those did you make out with? can’t be bothered counting Ever kissed someone you weren’t dating at the time? yes Ever kissed someone you’d met less than an hour before? yes Of the people you’ve kissed, how many do you regret kissing? right now none cuz it doesnt matter, but a few of them ive regretted right after Were any of them in relationships with someone else at the time? yeah he told me that afterwards :( How old was the oldest person you’ve kissed? 39 How young was the youngest person you’ve kissed? she was like 14 (i was 15) Ever been kissed by a legal adult when you were a minor (or vise-versa)? yep Ever been kissed by someone you didn’t want to kiss? yes Ever been walked in on while you were making out with someone? i think so By your parents?: don’t think so Weirdest place you’ve kissed someone? (geographically, not physically) underwater in the pool and i choked to death Ever kissed someone and had someone else get really mad about it? uhhhh not that i can recall no Ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath? EWWW yeah :c Ever not known the name of someone you kissed? yeah Ever kissed someone on a dare/as part of a game? yeah Kissed someone you didn’t really like just to make someone else jealous? no Ever had a really horrible kissing experience? not really Ever been called a bad kisser? no !!! Ever called someone else a bad kisser? no Where’s the most public place you’ve ever made out with someone? the street, the subway, idk Where’s the most private place you’ve ever made out with someone? bathroom Ever kissed some out of pity just so they would stop badgering you? yep :( Ever kissed someone just to forget about someone else? yeah Ever thought of someone else while you were kissing someone? yeah Do you usually kiss on the first date? not usually but it happened

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makkeuga · 7 years ago

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92 statements

lol hello i was tagged by @thenctscenarios & @haedreamers to do this tag a while ago but bc I WAS GONE im doing it late asf so... lol

LAST

1. drink: coffee

2. phone call: my dad?? mom???? ??+ idk

3. text message: my mom again lol

4. song you listened to: cold weather company - wide-eyed

5. time you cried: lol yesterday i had a meltdown woops but i also got teary eyed today bc im a mess

HAVE YOU EVER…

6. dated someone twice: nope

7. kissed someone and regretted it: oh yes

8. been cheated on: nein

9. lost someone special: ahhh YES

10. been depressed: ;) full time job

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes sir

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12, 13, 14: black, mustard yellow & blue (baby blue & super dark like navy)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: OH YES

16. fallen out of love: WOOPS yes

17. laughed until you cried: multiple times

18. found out someone was talking about you: uh i think so???

19. met someone who changed you: !!yes in both negative n positive way

20. find out who your real friends are: yeah i think so

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yes lol multiple

GENERAL:

22. how many of your facebook tumblr friends do you know in real life: um hunter changed this to tumblr so im rolling w it so... ok three i think? and then ive also met @07jms irl even tho we live in different countries !

23. do you have any pets: yes one guinea pig since the other one passed away ;;

24. do you want to change your name: like daily IM A ROLLARCOASTER OK

25. what did you do for your last birthday: sat home lol but i had pizza

26. what time did you wake up: like i got up at 11 but idk at what time did i actually wake up

27. what were you thinking at midnight last night: um. no idea? i lose the track of time easily

28. name something you can’t wait for: the sweet embrace of death also blackbear’s concert

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: last night!

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: certain horrible ass lgbt laws in finland that make me want to commit

31. what are you listening to right now: angus & julia stone - main street

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: o yes i have

33. something that is getting on your nerves: me, myself and i

34. most visited website: twitter? youtube?

35. elementary: sucked ass but had a great teacher for all of those six years

36. high school: im a drop out oeeee get on my level of fucking up ur own life

37. college: bitch im gonna be that guy working at mcdonalds

38. hair color: my natural hair color is like ashy brown ugly gross but now its.. like.. ugly gross too bc idk what to do w it so its like blonde-orangeish-light brown

39. long or short hair: short

40. do you have a crush on someone: what is a feeling

41. what do you like about yourself: my strongest skill is being in denial about everything thats a positive thing

42. piercings: both ears and septum BUT I WANT MORE EAR PIERCINGS and a nose piercing too

43. blood type: who knows

44. nickname: andy lol also jamie calls me piggy ??? thats it. ok theres like other more irrelevant ones but u know

45. relationship status: issa complicated life

46. zodiac: gemini!

47. pronouns: he/him but i dont mind they/them bc gender is dumb

48. favorite tv show: orphan black and hannibal and i rlly like marvel’s agent carter

49. tattoos: i have none but i want A lot! i want a sunflower on my wrist and a turn on/off button behind my ear and a mini pig & a hedgehog on my shoulders and stick figures and aaaaa

50. righty or lefty: rightyy

FIRST…

51. surgery: i havent had any

52. piercings: my ears when i was like in fourth grade

53. sport: i?? dont?? know?? i was a pretty athletic kid so i did all kinds of stuff

54. vacation: idk to sweden or norway probably

55. best friend: one girl and our brothers & parents were friends so she was my first friend too but we havent kept in touch after junior high school ended :(

56. pair of sneakers: I DONT KNOW

MORE GENERAL:

57. eating: ive got a safety pin in my mouth that im biting (get that oral fixation boi)

58. drinking: water

59. i’m about to: idk i should get dressed

60. listening to: dillon - gumache (the most unappreciated artist ever)

61. waiting for: dea-----,,,,,, um to get my shit togeter

62. want: my friends to be happy

63. get married: ”Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

64. career: bitcch i dont know

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. hugs or kisses: hands down hugs

66. lips or eyes: lips

67. shorter or taller: taller

68. older or younger: idk older but i dont rlly care

70. nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS

71. sensitive or loud: idk loud

72. hookup or relationship: neither?

73. troublemaker or hesitant: idk being the extreme is not good so idk

HAVE YOU EVER…

74. kissed a stranger: i think so

75. drank hard liquor: umyes

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: yeah i think so

77. turned someone down: yes sir

78. sex on the first date: nein

79. broken someone’s heart: pretty sure

80. had your heart broken: ? idk????

81. been arrested: no

82. cried when someone died: yeah when my uncle died when i was 11

83. fallen for a friend: yas gawd

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. yourself: NO i dont think i exist

85: miracles: no

86. love at first sight: bitch i dont believe in love

87. santa claus: i wISH

88. kiss on the first date: yes

89. angels: no

OTHER

90. current best friend’s name: jamie james papi

91. eye color: like dark teal kinda AKA BLUE

92. favorite movie: i killed my mother, the fall, pride & the grave of fireflies

i tag .......... @07jms...............who else................ i Dont know lol

#tagged #not nct

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wildestthicket · 7 years ago

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She came into my work the other day, which isn’t like. Impossible. I work at a specialty store that people come into every day and she just happened to show up when I was working. I didn’t know she was back in town, she didn’t know I worked there.

My brain was so jarred that it spat out someone who didn’t know her or recognize her, and she pretended not to recognize us either. I went to the back and had a meltdown after she left.

She messaged me on facebook about a week after it happened to apologize since ‘I’ had asked her never to contact ‘me’ again. She wanted to check to see what she should do so I felt safe at work to the point of offering to get someone I didn’t know come in and get stuff for her so I wouldn’t have to see her again.

I just want to tell her what happened and why shit fell apart the way it did so I’m going to write it down here to sort it out for myself at least and so I don’t message her on an impulse because this all feels too much like fate.

In high school I became the host again (afaik iv, Fe, and Sly showed up intermittently when they needed to, as you do) and met her. Long story short she was my best friend and I was completely in love with her. We had a lot of the same interests, she introduced me to books and music that are still important to all of us. Most of my world had her somewhere in it. It was like that for two years and I know there were problems, things weren’t perfect. There was the self professed ‘native american fetish’ of hers and other stuff I can’t call to mind right now. I didn’t have the guts to bring it up and chance losing the most important person to me right then.

And for once the person who was the most important to me seemed to really care about me too? We talked constantly and. Yeah. I don’t know. Two years of having someone I could tell anything and feel like just maybe it was mutual. I got a notebook that I was determined to use as the notebook to plan my novel, which she’d listened to me blab about for hours on end. She wrote something for me in the back of it and made me promise not to read it until I had filled the book.

Then she graduated and I had my back surgery. I’m not sure at which point I went dormant, but it was somewhere in the first two months. It was too painful, and I was horrified that in my eyes I had elected to ruin my body. Eli became host because he was made for handling pain and we still aren’t sure if our brain copied my pertinent personality traits onto him, if we were similar to start with since we were two versions of the same kid but with different jobs, or if we had a drastic personality change that everyone around us chalked up to growing up and going through intensive surgery.

Either way, I went away. In my place was someone who knew who Kelowna was, but didn’t have any emotional attachment to her whatsoever and was terrified and disgusted by himself over how little he cared. But he couldn’t have. He also couldn’t have known. I used to hate Eli so much over letting her go and not trying harder to hold on to that relationship, but how could he have?

For a while he kept texting her, he went up to visit her a couple times after she moved away. I think I showed up at one point during the second trip. There’s an entire page of a sketchbook we bought on that trip filled with the words ‘MAKE IT WORTH IT’. There was this feeling that Eli had of going through the motions while we were around her.

At some point after that second (I think there were two? I honestly can’t remember) trip communication started to drop off. I think that was when I stopped fronting altogether because I thought we might never be able to transition because of our back surgery. The next bits are blurry for me. At some point during grade 12, after not having talked to her for a few months, Eli got a new follower who started to interact with a lot of his transition related posts. Their url kind of implied that either they were trans too or at least were trans centric, he didn’t think much of it. He liked the attention, like any of us would. There’s one specific post we remember where this follower said something like ‘oooh can you make me coffee in that outfit?’ and another where they called Eli handsome in one of his shirtless binder pictures for a review of it so we decided to check out their blog to determine if this was a creep or someone we wanted to maybe be friends with.

We scrolled for a little while, it looked like a diary blog and an account of her wife’s transition. Then at the very bottom of the blog there was an apology post addressing Eli (or me, I only chose the name Keirren because when we sorted system stuff out, Eli was the one doing it and the name was effectively his at that point. I chose Eli when I figured out I was trans, but Keirren was the first name I chose for myself online so I went with that one in the end) by name. I can’t remember the exact contents of the post, that memory is Eli’s, but the gist of it was that she felt at fault for letting the relationship fall apart. Eli knew that he was the one who ghosted, but at that point had no idea why he’d done it.

He exited the tab and decided to just not address it. School was too stressful to bother with much else, our Nanny had just died (which made iv go dormant for a while, also cutting off even more of our emotional range) and our parents’ abusive behavior was at its worst then.

A couple weeks later he decided it was best to just say something instead of beating around the bush, and went to find the apology post so he could reference specific bits of stuff to make sure he got everything. The post had been deleted. He figured that the apology (that he didn’t really think was necessary, in fact he thought he should be the one apologizing) was retracted, that she didn’t want to get back in contact with us again.

That was that. For a while. She kept interacting with him through that blog, and had no identifying information that would have tipped us off to it being her on it if we hadn’t seen that post.

There were a few instances of him checking the blog to see if she had made another post at us and the two of them vaguing back and forth.

Eli felt. Skeeved out. But he didn’t know how to go about addressing any of it because there was this big fucking hole in his memory, or reasoning, or something, about why he’d just let go of someone who had been so important to ‘him’. He graduated, took a gap year, and at some point during that, she texted us.

We had no idea she still had our number, and she sent us a shitload of texts. I don’t remember the contents of any of it, all I know is that it ended in Eli telling her to fuck off and never contact us again. Partly because he was scared of sounding like he was making excused or a bad person for not knowing why he did what he did, partly because he was understandably angry and freaked out.

I think it was a few months after that that Eli finally gained an inkling of what was going on with our brain, that there was an ‘us’ instead of a ‘him’. At that point it was just Fever and iv. Then we went to university.

Cue one of the worst mental breakdowns Eli has ever had, bad enough that he got sucked inworld after a hospitalization and I got spat back out to the front for the first time in... Three years? Maybe a little less, but this was the first time I was solidly present for more than a handful of hours in at least two years. At least that.

The last two years while we were away at school and trying to survive halfway across the country aren’t. Super relevant to this so I’ll give some highlights.

Eli told his partner about all of the above. We figured out that it was me who was friends with Kelowna, mostly since I missed her so fucking much and kept wanting to get back in contact with her. I became a member of the main fronting group after pulling some really horrible shit and consequently patching things up with the people I hurt. I grew up a lot, and I’m so fucking happy I got to where I am.

There were a couple times that our paranoia got so bad that we thought we saw her around the city we were in even though that was nearly impossible.

During a visit home with Eli’s partner (wait shit, this particular instance would have been before they moved with us. Okay so this was with Eli’s partner, but just before they moved with us) we put all of the stuff of Kelowna’s we still had in a bag, drove down to where her parents lived in the middle of the night, and chucked it over the fence. Eli wanted closure, I knew all I would ever do with that stuff was use it to cling on to memories and a relationship that would never go back to how it was before.

So for the time between my re-emergence and now, I’ve grown up a lot, but I still spend a significant amount of time thinking about her. About what could have happened differently. Wanting to tell her what happened. Sometimes knowing it’s just out of my need/want for closure over the whole situation, and other times self righteously going ‘She deserves to know after what I did to her!’. I’m not sure how true either of those things are.

I’m either a holder for all of our feelings and memories of her, or I just plain old fucking miss her because she was my best friend. Maybe I’m bitter because I want my life back still. Because I didn’t get to grow up and I probably never will. All I ever wanted was to prove that I could make it out of high school and survive out from under my parents’ thumb and not give up or kill myself and that didn’t happen. Maybe I’m projecting. I didn’t kill myself, but a lot of me still feels like I gave up. I don’t know. i have a lot of shit to sort out and this tangent is getting out of hand.

About half a year ago, we moved back here to get our shit in order. We got a job, we got on assistance, we figured out a living situation for the time being.

And then she walked into our job about a month ago.

Then she messaged us about two weeks ago.

And all of this, all six years of this condensed down into rapid flashbacks and memories I wish I’d never tried to push away coming back to me, came bubbling back up.

I miss her so much.

I know it’s the stupidest thing but the messages sent us just sound like she’s grown and changed a lot.

I still want to tell her and I have no idea what to do.

So I spent an hour writing all of this so I wouldn’t message her and so I could get all of this sorted out in order in my head and I think I have things as in order as I’ve had them in a while

And now I have no idea what to do with all of it.

Like, great, I have a chronological account of what happened how I remember it happening, but where do i go now? At this point I’m just writing this to keep myself from switching back to the Facebook tab I have open where I have her message up and talking to her.

So. Yeah. That’s been my month.

#kelowna #keirren shut up

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viewofsal · 7 years ago

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Goodbye 2017. I’m ready for 2018 adventures.

2017 has been a year filled with laughter, smiles, tears, anger, anxiety, lessons, blessings, experiences and fun adventures. It was a year to let go of people, to let new people in, to be strong when I felt weak, to fight for myself against life and most importantly to find myself in all of this craziness.

I fell in love, I got my heart broken. I trusted someone with my eyes closed, which is rare because I dont trust a lot of people. I wanted to marry this guy, he was the dream guy I wanted. I did everything I can to save a relationship from falling, but it was never suppose to be this hard. We fought, we argued. we loved each other at times, we didnt talk for days… and then it finally ended. (71517)

I fought against my health, I went to therapy. It was probably one of the most scariest thing I have ever been through… I never felt so lonely even though I was surrounded by so many people that loved me and cared for me, yet I still felt alone. I dont know why… But it all went well and I am much better.

I had trusted a few good friends who at the end fucked me over big time. Shabina was like my best friend and the little sister I never had. And looking back at it… I realized how can she be that, as in my bff and little sister when she was actually never there for me through anything. I will never forget the day that I was telling her about my break up the of day it was happening and she rolled her eyes. After that day I didnt talk to her and I wanted to be left alone. But she texted me before my trip to Atlanta- she literally said forgive and forget and move on. So I did. Because thats what the nice Salia does…. But then after the whole Haroon + Salia thing happened she became bitter- and she asked me if I was just “having fun with him?” Like yeah hell ya I was… but shit on the first meet you dont tell someone “hey so when are we getting married…?” NO. This is why you and that lawyer guy never made it. But anyways….. Telling her was the biggest mistake ever, because she put nazaar on me and potentially having something. It is what is. And yes I am a horrible person for calling her a bitch while arguing- but she was being one. I had to tell her to stop. I remember I had a stop at San Fran on the way back from Arizona and she just accused me of being a hoe. And I had it… like yo at least I dont meet guys off of minder and on the first hour hook up. BUT TO EACH TO THEIR FUCKING OWN, right? If we want to call people hoes. *eye roll* Anyways that was me ranting but I learned that not every “friend” is your friend. And keep your moves, your business and your love life on the low. Period. Because at the end of the day you really have your own back, no one else really does. And no one wants to see you succeed in life.

I got close to my family once again and spent the whole summer with all of my aunts, uncles, brother/sister in laws and cousins, and of course my little cutie pies. I attended over 9 weddings in the summer, including both of my cousins. All of my cousins live in the East Coast and whenever we are all together it is so fun! I miss them so much!

My skin cleared soooooo much MASHALLAH! That it literally shocks me every time I look into the mirror. I had to cut off coke out of my life, I was so addicted to it and I just had to drink it with every meal. But Im glad I get to still drink coffee. :D I broke out so much back in 2015-2016 and it had to do with my stalker and a lot of stress on my mind and hormones jumping around lol. But you always have to take care of yourself and make sure youre always healthy. You should be your number one priority, ALWAYS.

I met a guy named Haroon. He came to see me all the way from Virginia. No, I didn’t fall in love- and I didnt think about marriage while being with this guy. I wasn’t messing around. But life threw something tough at me which made me come back to reality… So I lowered my expectations but not my standards with Haroon. We were I guess “perfect”. Our humor, our mentality, he was accepting and so was I. He was down to come see me every month and he opened up to me and made me trust him back with my life. He went back, and feelings changed. Even if it was temporary it felt good be treated like how I should be treated. I guess it was God’s way of making me realize that just because I’m sad right now doesnt mean I always will be. It was a trial and error, and it failed. But there is someone meant for everyone and you will too one day find someone.

My sister graduated from law school and found her boo thang. I am so happy for my sister, she is so hard working, ambitious, dedicated, intelligent, witty, sarcastic and a hot ass lawyer. Lol. Im being bias, but if she wasnt my sister I would still say that. She went through hell and back with law school, family drama and idiotic boys that cant fight for someone. But she never gave up her dream- which was to finish law school and become a lawyer. Along with her life being so hectic and all she found someone that matches her perfectly, alhumdulillah. I am so happy for her and Beez (thats not his name… Thats my nick name for him). He is so like… words cant describe. He came to pick my family and I up, he hugged my parents, he calls my mom “mama”, he gets along with my brother, he makes fun of me for being a yelp nerd. He just respects us so much. I am so proud of you too Badr bhai, for graduating and inshallah being part of our crazy ass family. But…. I have to say they are like power couple goals, mA! He spoils her like crazy and its cute. I wish one day we all find “the one” and spoil them with our love. *Did I mention hes half Spanish + Pakistani…. HOLY HELL. His sisters are hot. Lol*

And to end it… I got the closure that I was wanting to get. Thank you Farhan for giving me closure over and over again. Im sorry you had to hear me cry, because I think Ill probably cry for a while but its going to be okay. I wish and pray that you have an amazing new year and whatever you pray for you get. Because you deserve the best and you deserve to smile, laugh and be treated like a king.

But does that mean Im ok? No. But will it take time? Yes. I pray that I heal so quick that I can feel again, I wont be bitter, I wont be afraid to let someone in. I just want to be Salia again. Thats all.

2018-

Im ready for a new year, new hellos, new smiles, new laugher, new people, new adventures, new beginnings, new everything. I am ready. I definitely want to work on a few things on myself. I am not a perfect soul in this world. I hate that I have such horrible anger issues, I get mad easily to the point where I want to cry. I want to be my number one fan always. I want to love myself like no one else is going too because no one is going too… jk! And to heal. All I really want is to heal and be the old me. I want to stop crying al the time.To love again, to feel again, I dont want to be numb anymore, or bitter when a guy talks to me… I just want to be soft and gentle. But It will take time.

I hope this year not only brings me happiness and joy but to all of my followers. The more I write and have people follow me I see that everyone is struggling, heart broken, happy yet sad. I see it all. I am healing too but I am always here to listen to anyone. Ive been blogging since I was 18 and Im so glad I became a tumblr nerd because I met a few people from here, ive had a few conversations and I learn about my followers all the time. You guys deserve all the happiness, all the smiles and success in the world. Thanks for always listening to my rants and posts. Love you all! I hope you guys have an amazing New Year!

XOXO,

SALIA SHEIKH.

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crazykendal · 7 years ago

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woah if I were you I would .totally. read though this

did you pay attention to anything you were being taught in health class? health class.. like family life or what

what are your feelings regarding shopping? I hate shopping

do you think people have any misconceptions about you? Honestly im mean around a lot of people and I think people think im mean to everyone which is not true. I can get really soft with some people

have you ever worn fishnets? nooo...

do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? nowhere:)

do you believe prayer really works? no

do you have one best friend who is always there for you? yeah she’s weird

describe one of your most emotional farewells. haha nonononononoonon

have you ever been tied up? like literally or mentally.. ohhh god no

how many times have you been cussed out? dunno

does it bother you when people ask personal questions? no, it just means that they might care more

do you know anyone who’s been in jail? a tonnnn

have you ever considered acupuncture? No

have you ever watched the same sex undress? no..?

have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? no

have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk? no

do you enjoy mario games? like super mario yes my dads a hardcore fan

do you think that necessities should be free? (ex. food, toilet paper) no you must work for shit dood

does it bother you when dogs lick you? no they love me

do you feed your pets human food? yeah haru loves chicken

which is worse: being sexist or racist? both are absolutely horrible, but nothing is worse than a perachel shipper

do you think suicide is selfish? man.. it ends the pain but it starts more pain to people close to you. It seems selfish but it really depends

would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating? No

what are the most embarrassing songs in your itunes library? i dont have any embarrassing shit that i can think of

how picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? oooohh man idk

do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting? ..yyeahh..

in your opinion, is it ever okay to get back with an ex? depends on who

what’s the first animal you go to see at the zoo? i never go to the zoo

what’s the strangest or rarest creature you’ve seen at a zoo? idk

what animal is at a zoo that really, in your opinion, shouldn’t be? all of them they want to be FREED

do you like zoos or aren’t you bothered? why so much fucking zoo shit

i offer you a cigarette, you say… nope i dont want lung cancer

why do you think you were put on this earth? to fucking suffer and to make others suffer

is it ever okay to hit a child? when is this? no unless they are gonna kill you

do you think violence in video/computer games influences the nation also? no i hate people who believe this

are you in any shape or form, racist? no

are you in any shape or form, sexist? no but i kinda prefer girls if you know what i mean :)

how do you think the world will end? either a nuclear war or global warming haha

what natural phenomenon do you find the most beautiful? death :)

would you kill someone who killed a child? how about YOUR child? sure dood

what is your favorite cover of a song? halsey covered justin bieber’s love yourself and replaced love with fuck. i relate to this cover more than I do with my family

have you ever been in love with someone who was fatally ill? no?

have you ever received or given a make-over? no..

do you know anyone who is HIV+? not that i know of

have you ever been to a desert? idk but I feel like i live in a desert

do you know any trans* people? yeah and also I met MILES MCKENNA yussss

what is your favorite beatles song? uh..

what is the poorest you have ever been? when I first had no money haha

i’m sure you know of the gamer fad on youtube. who’s your favorite? like youtubers?? oh god. I used to love ihascupquake, dantdm, and ldshadowlady when I used to like minecraft but its now more vanoss gaming, zac cox tv, thegaminglemon, thedevildoggaming, and lets play games

is there something written on your shirt right now? it says Mavel

what is your favorite song to play on guitar hero or rock band? ooh I love those games I just dont have it

where do you find the surveys you take? I follow an account

what’s one weird/annoying thing your pet(s) tend to do? BUB ATTACKS THE SHIT OUT OF MY OTHER CATS

what’s your favorite song by your favorite artist? Salt Skin by Ellie Goulding, Colors by Halsey, Secrets by The Weeknd

do you have an “original character?” what.. like something ive come up with myself? If so, dont even get me started. I literally have about 100 characters ive created for this huge long ass collection of stories ive been writing for about 3 years.

what about a persona/fursona? wut

do you ever MAKE your own surveys? no way

why’s it the woman who have to give birth anyway if the man is physically stronger in most cases? because the man isnt strong enough ;)

do you get good internet where you live? no my room has no wifi but my backyard is gr8

ever had a cavity? how many? yeah idk how many haha

ever broken a tooth? I thought i did once

what did you do on the playground at your school as a child? idk

are you into comics? I recently wrote a 60-70 page comic for a series im writing

did you ever have computer disc games you played as a kid? yeah GTA San Andreas all the way homie

what do you think of people who have therapists? pretty brave, my parents think i need one but i could never

do you have any of those adult coloring books? no I hate coloring

ever ridden an elephant? no

deserts: dreary or beautiful? dreary

ever seen a panda? like once I think

what kind a camera do you have? I only have my phone

do you have stretch marks? where? don’t be shy, they’re tiger stripes! no

lobsters: cool or scary? i pet one once

opposoms: total vermin or cute? what

what tv channel dominated your childhood? idk

ever actually seen a snake in the wild? my friend stepped on one when we were little holy fuckk

have you ever had a PET snake? what kind? no

ever had an encounter with a snapping turtle? they’re scary! no

do you like oatmeal? no

wherever you live, have you ever seen your national bird? yes

ever had a reptile as a pet that you had to feed crickets? no i got cats

ever play hearthstone? no but I know a guy named Hearthstone :)

ever gone hunting? biggest thing you’ve ever shot? no

how about fishing? biggest thing you’ve ever caught? MY DAD IS OBSESSED WITH FISHING HE HAS SPECIAL KAYAKS FOR IT AND EVERYTHING. But sometimes ill go fishing (like never) I caught some fish before

coolest place you’ve ever been fishing? santa cruz is my life

which is cooler: african or asian elephant? I didn't know there was a difference

craziest thing you’ve ever eaten? nothing

what’s in a camel’s back? Idk ask the camel

steve irwin: foolish for messing around with animals or brave for teaching us? who dat

what do you think of people who put their whole life on social media? fine with me if they put up there credit card info :)

don’t you think it’s a bit deceptive to wear a push-up bra? idc

do you truly believe we came from chimps? not from chimps but from earlier ancestors of them

well, what do you think of extra bones and even organs in our bodies? why do we have them? people are just sometimes born like that

if you could choose anyone to be your father, who would it be? Han Solo

weirdest video game you’ve ever played? hmm gta v is weird for how inappropriate it can get sometimes even tho its the best game ever but probably sims 3

we’re having a pig-pickin’! whatcha eating? a what

ever been on a scary hay ride? no

ever been to a castle? I went to Hearst Castle once

what’s your favorite kind of penguin? club penguin :) (ive never played before tho) rip

whales. should they be allowed in sea world? NO

ever seen an albino? whether it be human or animal? yes

what do you think of the song “miss jackson” by panic! at the disco? omg have I never heard of that song whats wrong with me

what is the wallpaper on your best friends cell phone? my old bestfriend has a picture of her and new best friend, isnt that great haha fuck me

do you feel comfortable singing in front of others? depends :)

do you like using big words when you talk? No i dont know many big words

do you EVER use caps lock? NO WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

are you loud when you’re having sex? well idk

have you ever wanted to drop out of school? i probably will want to in high school

when was the last time you watched south park? never

are you italian? nope

are you interested in photography at all? only in gta v

any survey takers that annoy you on tumblr? no

do you like bob marley? ive never heard any of his stuff

can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? I never can or do

are you interested in art? sketch my life away

don’t you think we’re spending too much money on exploring the mere theory of climate change? No but when the worlds flooding they wont regret it haha

everyone always wants to know your favorite animal. what’s your SECOND favorite? I always say cats are my favorite but i also love chickens

who’s your favorite disney character? none

have you ever taken the eharmony personality quiz? no

do you take vitamins? if so, what kinds? idk

how much was your prom dress? what’s the most you’d spend? hahahahahahahaha kill me

would you marry someone of a different religion? ehh.. im not religious and i could never go to church every sunday so maybe not..

how did you learn the word “fuck”? my parents swear a lot

if you could make one of your enemies your best friend, who would it be? id rather stay enemies thank you very much

what is the last movie you saw in theaters? Spiderman Homecoming

have you ever got into a wreck? not serious

do you think you are an argumentative person? yeah and i lose friends because of it :)

can you admit when you’re wrong? all the time

are you easily confused? yeah people yell at me for it

do you think you would make a good wife/husband?

probably not

have you ever caught a butterfly? hey I used to be afraid of butterflies so no

have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? no

do you like being kissed on the neck? never been kissed so yeah

favorite song by the band the offspring? never heard of them

how many times each morning do you press the snooze button? never had to, ever

when you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? idk

what video game or computer game are you best at? GTA V Online, ive become so good from 4 years of experience people think im a modder, fuck all those bitches, but its really funny when they think I can just drop money for them, id love to be a modder but I dont want to get banned

how do you normally come across new music? friends or the radio

what subject in school do you feel is the least necessary? science and english and history even though i love history

do you enjoy power outages or do you get annoyed? i dont care

are you pretty politically correct? kinda

have you ever behaved like a stalker? no i have no idea what you are talking about :)

do you appreciate other people’s opinions? depends on who

if you could pick your own pet name, what would it be? I named my cat Bub so there

do you care what’s going on in the world? If it hurts me, yes

how many partners is too many? at one time, one is good but if youve had a lot in your life time i lose respect

do you examine the tissue after you blow your nose? no

do you prefer boys to shave down there? uh..

how much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? im 14 wtf

are any of your siblings married? what are their spouse’s names? No but I think my sister is married to Finn Wolfhard

have you ever had a pet bird? no

how many times have you moved in your lifetime? once

if you could get one piercing and one tattoo, where would you want them? ahh only if it didn't hurt id get a red triangle on my right wrist (gotta be like ellie goulding) and a piercing? nose? maybe

would you consider yourself to be adventurous? yes i love to adventure but no one ever wants to come with me :’(

has any part of your house ever been flooded? no

is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? who and why? yeah, I cant say though. Their friend told me about some stuff

if you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? to what organization would you donate it?

idk

describe the best friend you’ve ever had, or the best person you’ve ever known. ive been friends with her for about 10 years and we've been fighting for months and ive finally come to realize she cares about me a lot more than I do about myself and she is really worried about me ever doing anything with myself. Ive just been really down with myself these past months

have you ever adopted a stray animal? maybe

what time did you wake up this morning? 8:28 dont ask how I remebered

ever wonder if you’re someone’s everything? yeah but I know that it’ll never happen but like theres this one person id give my life for (just one person) she knows who she is

would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? like once ok stop it

what is your mom’s middle name? Lei

do you know the color of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend’s eyes? n/a

have you had your wisdom teeth out? no

your appendix? no

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pyxel-spree · 8 years ago

Text

03 | unintended benefits

When he first saw the girl, Llenwi Greanleefe knew she was completely out of his league.

He was helping his stepmother, Isolde, take her bags up to her new office. Generally, Greanleefes didn't get to have offices around important people like the High Lord Cielaré. But Isolde was talented and organized, and the High Lord had taken a liking to her, so exceptions had to be made. That's when he saw her, waiting for the elevator.

She was gorgeous. Long wavy red hair that went almost to her waist, big blue-green eyes, a tiny red mouth, freckled cheeks. She wasn't big, maybe 5"4, but she had the biggest tits and ass Llenwi had ever seen. Not grotesquely large, like some of those porn stars Llenwi had seen on the Internet, but proportional. Her stomach wasn't all the way flat and her legs were thick and heavy, but that didn't matter. She was perfect.

The girl was, unfortunately, not looking at him, but at the cellphone in her hand, texting someone expertly. Once in a while, she would his, "Shit!" or, "Come the FUCK on!" while glaring at the screen in a way that didn't make Llenwi envy whoever she was texting.

Eventually, she yelled aloud, "Goddamn it!" and dropped the phone, which fell to the ground with a clunk. Llenwi and her dived for it at the same time, fingers closing around opposite sides of its rubber blue case. They made eye contact, which she did so purposefully, Llenwi was pretty sure she was staring into his soul.

"If you don't mind-"

"No, not at all." he said awkwardly, releasing it. "Is it cracked?"

She turned it so he could see. The surface was still pristine. "Screen protector," she explained. Then, almost as an afterthought, "Thanks."

The elevator rumbled to a halt with a metallic screech. Llenwi winced, then got inside, pressing the silver 5. "Floor?" he asked the girl.

"Oh." Her eyes were unfocused, still fixed to the screen. "Seven."

They rode up in relative silence until the girl shoved her phone in the pocket of her jeans, and said, "Who are you?"

It was said with mild curiosity that may have come out horribly rude in someone else, but sounded like a normal question when she said it. "Oh, I'm Llenwi. Llenwi Greanleefe." He stuck out his hand, and she shook it. She had a good firm handshake. It suited her.

"Vielene Yvenneth. Vi, actually. Fifteen years of sorrow old. Hopeless romantic with a string of good-for-nothing fuckbois. Now there, you know everything there is to know about me."

Yvenneth?! The Yvenneths were an old House Onyx family, well-moneyed, the sort of people who didn't want anything to do with Greanleefes. But Vi seemed not to mind when she heard his name, and that comforted him. "Uh...I haven't-" He bit it off. Of course you haven't heard of her, idiot. Say something smarter. "Where do you go to school?"

"Kevin Academy. Not right now, of course, with my dad's job being here, but during the normal year...yeah." She grinned. "What's wrong? Haven't you heard of a rich kid going to public school?"

"Of course," he said, a little defensively. "I used to go to your school myself."

"You're lying."

"Am not!"

"Whatever. Who teaches seventh-year history, then?"

"Instructor Grey. He's a big bald guy. Lifts weights. Coaches the wrestling team."

She looked him up and down, appraisingly. "How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"And where do you go now?"

"Lus Prep."

Vi frowned. "I've never heard of it."

"Lots of people haven't, 'cause it's an, um, special needs school. Not that I'm retarded or something," he added quickly. "I have attention-deficit disorder." Great, now she thinks I'm a freak. Next time, Llenwi, don't start the conversation with a list of all your sexy mental illnesses. "We have a really great arts program," he said weakly.

"Cool." said Vi. Well, at least she's polite. "You act?"

"How'd you know?"

"Your shirt, genius."

He looked down, realized he was wearing his turquoise LUS PREP DRAMA CLUB shirt, and blushed. "Well, yes, but mostly I do set design. It's only this year I actually acted in a play. And I did mock trial for a year an a half so it's really not so different."

"Me too! That's how I met my boyfriend, actually."

Llenwi's heart sank. What? You didn't seriously expect a girl that hot to be single. "Oh. You guys must have a good thing going-team romance and all."

"Had," she corrected with a smile. "As we broke up five minutes ago. That's what I was cussing about. I haven't been single in a while, so that'll be different. What about you? Seeing anyone?"

"Uh...not lately." He'd had a girlfriend last year, from a different school. She'd been his first. Most started dating before, but Llenwi was different. He was tall for his age, and thin, with a sharp pointed chin, shoulder-length blonde hair, and bright blue eyes, not unattractive by any means. But he'd always been shy, not particularly athletic, with a tendency to stumble over his words. As such, he'd been a prime target for the local lowlifes-idiots with nothing better to do, he realized now, though at the time it had stung. Not like his parents had been much help. His dad, Trandello, had a drinking problem that had only gotten worse, and his mother...Llenwi's mother had committed suicide when he was six.

It was an all-too common story. Empress Cayrina IV, the ruler of the time, wanted to extend an olive branch to some of the less-respected families. So she had sent her niece, Maughin Tian, to marry Trandello Greanleefe. She didn't want to, but when one's aunt was the empress, such things did happen. The marriage had been turbulent and unhappy, and Maughin had handed herself from the balcony at their house.

She had been a very beautiful woman, but when they cut her body down she had been unrecognizable.

And then came Isolde. Determined, fierce powerful Isolde Mayhew, who met his dad online and in a month became his bride. Isolde brought something into his life he didn't realize he needed-consistency. She had made sure his sister, Oceania, the smart one, went to the best Valorian boarding schools, had checked their dad into a rehab center, and transferred him to Lus, where he had settled into a semblance of normalcy. Compared to his sister, an honors student who played three instruments and danced at a prestigious classical academy, he knew he was a disappointment. But Isolde had made him feel a little better about his prospects for the future, had actually talked to him about things. True, she was a little robotic and a little brusque. They didn't hug or kiss at all, and she could deliver searing lectures. But at least she cared, which was more than he could say for his "real" parents.

Things were better now. But growing up like that...it messed you up, made you think you weren't worth it. So it had come as a shock when girls started to pay attention to him, for the simple reason that Llenwi had never thought of himself as meriting much attention.

"You don't seem that mad about it." he observed.

"What? He was an ass anyways. Frees me up to meet new people. I will never understand," she said determinately, "why decent, nice people date complete and total assholes who don't deserve them."

"Do you?" he got the courage to ask.

She cocked her head, fixing him with those eyes. "I suppose."

"So you're trying to break a bad habit. That I can respect. But if you're just looking for another asshole to dump, then that's a little hypocritical."

She laughed. "You do have a point. I said I wouldn't before, but that's the thing about assholes. They're like roaches, you know? You think you've gotten rid of them, and then some super-roach comes along that's resistant to all pesticides."

"I wouldn't go out with a roach." Llenwi snickered.

"Fine, a chocolate-covered roach, then. You don't know it's a roach until you put in your mouth. Then the shit hits the fan." She winked. "Oops, that came out really wrong. Now might be an appropriate time for a 'that's what she said.' "

Llenwi snickered. "That's what she said." He couldn't remember feeling this good in weeks.

"But honestly," she continued, "I don't know. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My whole family thinks I'm insane. I mean, I want to go to GCU, but that's 'cause all my siblings went there, you know? So that's not something I really want to do. I can't find out what I want to do with my life unless I try a bunch of things. Hence-"

"Dating all those assholes, yes." He understood, but he couldn't say anything else. What she had said was so complete, embodied everything that he himself had been thinking, there was nothing else to say.

They rode up in relative silence until the elevator beeped for five. "That was a good conversation." she told him. "Here." And before he could say anything her hand was on his arm, with a bright red marker in one hand, scrawling large, purposeful letters on his arm.

And then, towards the end:

Llenwi smirked, pulling the suitcase out of the elevator. By the time he turned around, the elevator doors had closed, taking her with them. But the slowly drying red ink on his forearm remained, a secret part of her just for him.

#ogak

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