#its actually fab because it means i have a marauders friend IN MY FLAT

[marauders--mischief]

Lucida

Pairing: Sirius x Reader

Word Count: 5,130

Warnings: Angst, character death, depressing thoughts

A/N: Okay, this is my first piece of writing I’ve ever published. I’m not pretending to be amazing at writing so if you read it and you can think of anything I need to improve on, please tell me, I’d appreciate the feedback. I also need to say a massive thank you to @imlikepadfoot for giving me the little boost of encouragement I needed to post this. The title, Lucida, means the brightest star in a constellation, but it was a quick translation so it might be wrong. Anyway… hope you like it! :)

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Most of your time in Hogwarts was spent in the Astronomy Tower, looking at the stars. Despite already being surrounded by it, there was just something so much more magical about them than anything else that left you in awe. The idea that, you were a tiny detail in the never-ending wonder that was space. For you, that’s what the stars represented. Forever. Too many of them littered against the night sky, it would take a forever to count them all. Only a few people knew you came up here so often, and Sirius Black was one of them. Sirius Black, your best friend, who you had loved since your third year. Yet every week, he was kissing a new pair of lips. You had told yourself that he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, because you hadn’t told him you had loved him, but it didn’t make the pain any better. Although, on nights like these, when the full moon shone bright, white light and the stars were most visible, you laid on the floor, the cold breeze causing you to shiver. Complete silence but for your breathing surrounded you and you were reminded why you dealt with the pain; Sirius was out there now in his Animagi form, risking his life for his friend. Maybe, you’d just have to wait a little longer.

Early morning approached, and the cold winds became warmer. Unbeknown to you, Sirius had left the Shrieking Shack early, going to meet his best friend. The sun made the sky appear like it was aflame, the bright orange lighting the features of your peaceful face. Prodding you, Sirius tries to wake you up, though he has to do it a few times. Jolting, you spin around, looking for the cause of your disturbance. You shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Mornin’, Y/N/N.” Sirius chuckles. “Sleep well?”

“Oh yeah, just fab,” you glare at him but he only smiles. Your sarcasm was one of the main things he liked about you. You rub your eyes, attempting to wake yourself up more. The only thing Sirius notices is how cute you look when your face scrunches up and how your hair looks adorably wild that he has the urge to run his hands through it. So, he does. This wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for the both of you. You would nearly always be up here, snoring softly, though you would never remember when you actually did fall asleep, and Sirius would join you, braiding your hair for you.  

“So, how’s Moony?” You ask after a while.  

“He’s okay. No new scars to report tonight.”  

“Good.”

When Sirius finishes plaiting your hair, he scoots over to you so you can both watch the sun rise together. Today however, there’s something more on both of your minds. You were both in your final year at Hogwarts, and with the N.E.W.T’s already completed, there wasn’t that much time left until you went home forever.

“We’ll stay together won’t we?” Sirius bursts out, breaking the silence. “I mean, you’ll visit everyday?”

“Of course, Pads.”  

‘Y/N,

Me and James are having a little party to celebrate Harry’s first Christmas. It starts at 5 and only a few people will be there. I know Pete, Remus, Marlene, Frank and Alice are definitely coming. Even Sirius will be there. We’d love it if you could come, it feels like we haven’t actually seen you in ages, what with all the stuff in the Order you’re doing. Let us know, anyway.  

Lots of Love,

Lily.’

You skim over the letter again, eyes lingering over ’Even Sirius will be there.’ Though you had never told Lily about your feelings towards Sirius, she managed to figure it out for herself. Unsurprising, really. Lily Potter was the cleverest witch you knew. When she told you on your last journey home on the Hogwarts Express, you became instantly anxious because, what if he found out? But she promised you that she wouldn’t tell anyone, not even James.

Now, you were debating on whether or not to go. Overall, the fact that you had been really busy with the Order recently, influenced your decision. You could do with a little break and you also felt bad for not keeping your promise to Sirius about visiting everyday. Shuffling over to your desk, you grab a piece of parchment and a quill.  

'Lily,  

I would love to come. It’ll be nice to see you all again.

Love,

Y/N.’

Christmas Day finally arrived, and you were just finishing getting ready to apparate to the Potter’s household. You were wearing a dark red, knee length dress with natural makeup. Grabbing the presents you bought for everyone off the side, you close your eyes and picture their house. A sudden rushing feeling crashes over you and suddenly, you’re standing in front of the door to their house. You knock three times, and Lily opens the door, wrapping you in a tight hug once she sees your face smiling up at her.  

She doesn’t let go for a while, and when you try to escape her arms, she only holds on tighter. “Hiya to you too, Lils,” you giggle.

“Well aren’t you coming in?” Finally letting you go. “Unless of course, you want to stay outside in the snow?”  

Rolling your eyes at her, you step inside and close the door behind you, following Lily to the living room. Sat on the sofa, was James, laughing at a black dog, as Harry tried to grab its tail. You begin to join in the laughter, and the dog’s ears lift up. A second later, the dog transforms into Sirius, who has a mischievous smirk etched onto his face.  

“Why, hello. James, who’s this stranger?” He jokes.

“Sirius,” you laugh, “stop it! I haven’t seen you in weeks and you act as though you don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Sirius hesitates for a moment, pretending to think about who you were, before he grinned widely. “Y/N!” He shouts, lifting you up and twirling you round.  

“Woah, Sirius,” you exclaimed, playfully slapping his back. “Put me down!”

Reluctantly, Sirius lowers you down until your feet are firmly flat on the ground. However, as soon as you are, you go back for another hug, this time your arms wrapped tightly around his waist. “Missed you, Pads.”

Sirius smiles, but continues to play around with you. “I know…I missed me too.”

You instantly let go of him. “Sirius, you absolute git!”

Sirius and James break into laughter, and then there’s a knock on the door. Lily, and Marlene went upstairs to get the presents, Frank and Alice were in the kitchen preparing the food and James and Sirius were too busy having a laughing fit, so you were left to get the door.  

When you open it, Remus and Peter are stood there; Peter in a coat too big for him and Remus in his usually fluffy jumper. Smiling, you open the door wider and let them in. Peter smiles at you, but Remus goes to hug you. Remus and you were like brother and sister. At the end of the first year in Hogwarts, you had discovered his secret and had given hints to the other Marauders, knowing they wouldn’t abandon their friend. As you predicted, James, Sirius and Peter found a way to help his transformations; turning into Animagi. Remus, however, still needed someone to talk to, a job you happily accepted.

When you let go of each other, you both returned to the room where everyone was now talking and laughing, the Christmas spirit obviously high. You took a seat next to Sirius, watching as Harry opened his presents from all of you. James, you and Sirius were the only one’s drinking, and as the night went on, your proximity to Sirius only became closer.  

Everyone began to leave at around 11, Lily politely mentioning that Harry needed to sleep. You, however, stayed to help Sirius clean up.  

“No star gazing tonight then, Y/N?” Sirius asked.

Unable to stop yourself from smiling, you look up at him. “Of course. When do I not?”

His mouth opens and closes, as if he’s lingering on unspoken words, but he just shrugs and goes back to picking the wrapping paper off the floor.  

Sirius uttered his next words so quietly, that if even one person spoke, you wouldn’t have heard him. “Mind if I join you this time?”  

His eyes are already locked on yours, and butterflies erupt from your stomach. “Sure.” Perhaps it was just the drink talking, or maybe you would’ve accepted his offer anyway.

Taking Sirius by the hand, you dragged him to the back garden. Once you’ve summoned blankets to lay on, you tell Sirius to lay down. Not allowing the nerves to get the better of you, you lay next to him, head resting on his outstretched arm.

This felt so right to both you. You could hardly calm your rapidly beating heart, though he began talking to you about the stars, so you knew he mustn’t’ve noticed.

His head turns to face you, your hair tickling the side of his face. “See that one there?” He asks, pointing upwards towards a star.  

Following the direction in which he was pointing, you see a star, outshining all the others. You became quite confused as to how you’d never seen it before.

“That’s Sirius,” he noted.

Your attention turns back to Sirius, the brightest star in the sky, and you smile, snuggling in closer to the real Sirius.

Hours and hours, you both stayed like that, until you eventually fell asleep. When you woke up, you woke up alone. You were glad you hadn’t told him how you felt last night, as he obviously didn’t return the feelings. Still, you would fondly remember the previous night for the rest of your life.

It would be one of the only good nights you had in a long time.  

How? How could he have done such a terrible thing? Your best friend, seemingly loyal to a fault, had betrayed James and Lily. Your best friend, who cried when he ran away from home and was so full of love and kindness, had joined the Death Eaters. You didn’t want to believe it, but the evidence was there. A picture of him from his cell in Azkaban flashed across the newspaper. His appearance was scruffy, and he looked completely deranged. If you looked long enough, you could almost hear his maniacal laughter leaving his lips. Again, you found yourself grateful that you had not told him your feelings towards him. You were sure now that he only would’ve used it to his advantage, manipulating you for information. Throwing the newspaper away into the fire, you sit down in your old armchair. You refused to remember him like that. No. To you, Sirius would always be your sarcastic, smirking best friend, and you would not know him any other way.

Hatred for the man you thought you knew spurred inside you. Four of your friends had been lost in one night. Three of them were dead, their blood on his hands. And the fourth was Sirius himself. Alive still, but not the same.  

You apparate to Godrics Hollow, and enchant a sign so people could write on it. You didn’t leave a message. There would be too many words and it would take up the entire sign. Instead, you went to the front door and left a single white lily. You don’t return to the Potter’s home after that.

12 years had passed agonisingly slowly, and you had not looked at the stars since that awful Halloween night. In fact, you rarely left the house at all. Remus was the only company you got now, though it wasn’t really much, he was suffering from the loss of all of his friends just as much as you were. Silences and sorrow was the only thing you could give one another, but it was enough. Only yesterday did he tell you that Albus Dumbledore had come to find him, offering him the place of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Happy that Remus finally had something he could look forward too, you encouraged him to take the job, with the condition that he’d write to you about Harry, and if Hogwarts had changed at all. And like that, Remus was gone, leaving you alone in the world once more.

Innocent. All this time you thought he had good as murdered three of your best friends and it turns out it’s Peter, who you mourned over for 12 years. You were ashamed. Ashamed that you had not trusted your best friend, as he would’ve done for you. Why would he ever forgive you, when you had left him in a cell to rot, alone with grief? How would you ever be deserving of the man who had been wrongly accused of a crime he didn’t commit. The answer was never. Never would you deserve Sirius Black.  But, you had to see him to apologise, consequences be damned.

Refusing to believe Sirius had returned to his old home, you checked all the places you could think of. But, Sirius had gone into hiding, and he had left no trace of him behind. As a last resort you tracked down Remus, who you heard had returned to his apartment.

When you get there, you knock on the door and it’s not two seconds before Remus lets you in. He must have been expecting you to visit.

“I don’t know where he’s gone, Y/N.”

You sigh. You should’ve expected as much. “Well, if you do hear from him you’ll let me know, won’t you?”

“You’ll be the first to know.”

With that, you leave Remus’ apartment and return to your own home, anxiously waiting for any news of Sirius Black.

He was always reckless. Being locked up in his old family home, which he detested, only made it worse. Throwing himself at every dangerous mission the Order offered, only to become more agitated when everyone denied it him. Unfortunately, with Lord Voldemort returning to power, you rarely had time to even see Sirius, and when you did it was to discuss tactics for the Order. During the meetings, when anything about Azkaban was mentioned, sometimes you swore you could see his face turn as white as a ghost, terror struck and eyes glazed over. Dazed, he often tried to play it off, but you were watching, and you knew. He was remembering his time there. 'I’m out now, Y/N, I don’t worry about it anymore.’ Obviously, you had seen right through his lie, having known him for so long. But if that’s what he needed to tell himself to help him get through whatever he was dealing with, you would gladly go along with it.  

Arthur, Molly and Lupin had joined you and Sirius at 12 Grimmauld Place after Christmas for tea. You were in the kitchen, in charge of preparing the food whilst everyone else was sat at the table, talking about Harry. Aside from getting visitors, hearing about his godson was one of the few things that genuinely made Sirius smile. He loved hearing tales of the boy, especially from Lupin. About how Lupin woke up on the train and thought he was James. Listening to how excellent he was in Defense Against the Dark Arts and how he always stuck up for his friends. Of course, Sirius had quickly found out just how much Harry was like James already, from his Quidditch ability to his apparent attraction to trouble. But Sirius was a convicted murderer, meaning he could never walk into Hogwarts and see it for himself. So, he always enjoyed learning about the stuff he could never find out for himself. Another reason you loved Sirius: his love for his family (his true family, not his prejudiced mother), was admirable.  

After everyone had finished their food, Arthur and Molly left, leaving only you, Sirius and Lupin. It reminded you of your time back in Hogwarts, when you and Lupin were in the library studying, only for Sirius to come up to you and inevitably drag you along to play some prank on Snape or Filch. Reminiscing the memories, you sat for an hour, laughing and drinking like your lives were normal again.  

Eventually, Lupin got up. “I’m er- I’m going to go clean up. I’ll come back soon.”

The two of you sat quietly for a while before you got an idea. When you rose from the sofa, Sirius gave you a questioning look. Darting your eyes to Sirius then to the door, you step outside and wait for him, knowing he got your message. Sure enough, two minutes later, you feel his presence. When you look back at him, your breath hitches. He’s stood with his legs crossed, and his elbow leaning on the door frame, almost carefree. For the first time in a long time, he looked like the Sirius you knew before. Shaking your head, you grab his hand and pull him forward.

“Lay down,” you whisper.  

Following your request, he lowers himself onto the ground, with you joining him.

“See that one there?” You say, pointing upwards towards the star, exactly as he had done before. Repeating it all made the memory seem real again, despite knowing every last detail of the already. “That’s Sirius.”  

He chuckles quietly, a look of awe etched upon his face. But he wasn’t looking at the star… he was looking at you. The one who had comforted him, and felt guilty for leaving him. The one who knew what to do when he broke down, just like you were doing now. His heart sank every time he thought about it because you deserved someone better than him, someone who wasn’t damaged on the inside and out.

Oblivious to Sirius’ piercing gaze, your attention stayed on the glittering night sky, only now aware of how much you had missed them. This was the most relaxed you had been in a long time, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that you belonged here, in Sirius’s arms. Almost as if you were returning home.

Your eyes to flick up to meet his. “You see, the thing about Sirius is, is that it never notices how it makes the rest of the sky light up and it never knows it’s the brightest star in the sky. It forever thinks he’s not worth as much as the rest of them, but he couldn’t be more wrong.”

“He?” Asks Sirius.  

First you think you’ve fucked up and you tell yourself that he’s not going to want to talk to you anymore. Seconds feel like hours as the silence drags on… and on, and on. Until finally- “I didn’t know stars had genders.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, you shoot him a playful glare. “Oh, shove off, Black.”

Everything was okay, his playful demeanor proof of that. “Seriousl- no!” He groaned, realising what he’d said.  "Don’t laugh, I mean it!“ Though Sirius had already joined in with your snickering. He buried his face in his hands. "Ugh, that joke is so old, Y/N.”

“Old but funny,” you retort.  

He glares at you. “Y/N, I was trying to be sincere.” Giving your best 'listening’ expression, you motion for him to continue. “Anyway… I was just saying that I… I really do appreciate everything you do for me and it makes me the happiest person alive to be able to have you in my life.” Sirius had wanted to say so much more but for some reason he held back, afraid of what you might say.

Blood rises to your cheeks, thankful that it was dark out so he couldn’t see your blush. “You’ve been my best friend for years, Pads, it’s what I’m supposed to do.” Would he ever know how desperately you wanted to be more than friends? If it weren’t for the fact that he was a convicted murderer, Sirius could have any girl he wanted. And if he wasn’t, why would he choose you?

That was the problem with falling in love with your best friend: he would never see you as anything more. You ignore the sinking feeling you get in your heart and try to enjoy your time with Sirius. You’d have to return to the Ministry before long.  

All too soon, the night was over, you and Lupin left, and Sirius was alone once more.

Numb. That was the only word that could explain how you felt. Anger and sadness coursed through your veins, unsure of your own emotions. Because Sirius could not be dead. You would deny it until he came back. He would. He would come back.  

Remus had not left your company since he found you. He wasn’t even sure you had noticed his presence. He had learnt how you felt about Sirius soon after he got put in Azkaban, and though he himself was shocked and deserted by his best friend again, he knew you were in a worse state than he was. Positioned in a way so that you were half kneeling, half laying, your body shook as you cried and screamed.  

Somehow, you both felt agonising pain, and nothing all at once. You wanted it to end. You wanted him to come back and wrap his warm arms around you, soothing you and telling you that he was right there. But he wasn’t. There were arms around you though. But they felt different, not unfamiliar but not the ones you needed either. In the distance, you heard a voice call your name. It sounded far away, too far for you to care. The arms around you lifted you up, but you didn’t even feel your feet leave the floor. Suddenly, a realisation dawned on you, and you wanted to curl up into yourself, to be undisturbed by anyone ever again. It was your fault Sirius was dead. If only you had ignored Kingsley’s order. You should’ve gone down to the fight, you would’ve been able to save him. It was your fault.

Remus had picked you up now, though you were still shaking uncontrollably. You were muttering inaudibly, but he managed to catch a few words and phrases. “S-Sirius…” You sobbed. “…’m sorry. My faul- Sirius, please. Come b-back.” It almost broke Remus to see you like this, he was scared you might do something stupid, as grieving people often did. He was scared he’d end up with no one. There was nowhere to go except headquarters, a place he knew would not be even slightly comforting to either of you.  

You realised too late that your surroundings had changed and that you were no longer in the Ministry. Panic swept over you; you thought you had been taken by a Death Eater that had managed to escape. Luckily, when you look over your shoulder to glimpse the person carrying you, you see Remus. However, you were worried. What if Sirius came back and you weren’t there to help him? You begin to protest against Remus, clawing and reaching for something to hold onto that could release you from his grip. All rationality had left your brain, you were so desperate to return to Sirius, wherever he was, you forgot you had a wand.  

“Rem,” you croaked, your voice sore from the shouting. “Remus, put me down! Sirius. He might- we have to go b-back.”

He ignored you.

“REMUS! Listen to me! He’s not dead. He’s… he’s not.”  

Again, Remus acted as though you hadn’t even opened your mouth. You’d had enough.  

“REMUS JOHN LUPIN! Your best friend is in trouble, he is not dead! Don’t you care?-”

Immediately, you were dropped to the ground, Remus was looking at you with more anger in his eyes than you had ever seen. “OF COURSE I CARE, Y/N! BUT HE’S DEAD! DEAD, AND THERE’S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT!”

His chest is heaving, out of breath from shouting and releasing all of his anger and frustration. Frustration at the unfairness of the world, because why, why did it have to be the one person everyone cared about so much. You only must register the truth: Sirius wasn’t coming back. No matter if you returned to the Ministry or not. You both break down at the same time. Tears streaming down your face, you rush back to Remus’ side, hugging him so tightly so he couldn’t leave you.  

Your face is leaning on his shoulder, buried in his shabby coat, causing your cries to sound slightly muffled. “Moony, I- I’m so sorry. I cou- should’ve helped. It’s my fault he’s dead.”  

“No. It’s not, Y/N. It’s no ones. Not yours, not Harry’s. It’s Voldemort, Y/N. He’s caused all of this pain and loss, and there’s going to be so much more.”

Neither of you cared at that moment in time that you were in an open street, lit only by a far-off streetlamp, open for anyone to attack you. You just held on tighter to each other, scared that you’d lose the only connection to Sirius the both of you had left.  

Grimmauld Place echoed a lot. At least to you it did. Echoes of Sirius’ laughter and witty retorts. Echoes of the conversations the both of you shared. At first, you thought it was too much; to remember Sirius but not actually have him be there. Soon though, you began to seek the echoes. You were afraid you forget his bark-like laugh and what his voice sounded like when he had only just woken up. So, you had stayed shut up in Grimmauld Place since Lupin brought you here. Dumbledore came to tell you that Harry said he didn’t have an issue with it. He’d also told you that Sirius would be upset to see you like you were, but you didn’t really hear him.  

Needless to say, you hadn’t spoken to anyone since Remus brought you back here. When your feet finally decided to respond to your minds wishes, you went straight up to his room and hardly ever left his bed. Molly and Remus were the only people to come to you (Molly less often than Remus). It eerily reminded you of the time when Sirius was sent to Azkaban, and it was only Remus and you, left together to keep each other sane. Sometimes, you deluded yourself into thinking that is what had happened, and that soon, Sirius was going to burst through the door, declaring he’d escaped yet again. But no such thing ever happened, and you were forced back to the truth that the man you had loved for so long, was gone. That, was your biggest regret. You had never told him how you felt and even though you told yourself that you had reasons not to at the time, they all seemed insignificant now.  

Weeks went on like this. Molly eventually had to stop coming, too busy looking after her own kids, leaving only Remus to talk to you despite you never replying and bring you food which you hardly touched.  

With your resistance to do anything, you were certain that you were slowly going insane. Remus had just left, the door slamming shut. You decided to get up. There was nothing more that could hurt you, you had practically lost everything. Looking through Sirius’ belongings could not make your suffering any worse.  

How very wrong you were.  

You went through pictures, school books, records, clothes and objects from Hogwarts: magical and non-magical alike. There was a large Gryffindor banner which he had stolen from the common room after a party and a mobile with thestrals on, which you presumed used to hang over his crib when he was a baby. You did your best to return his room to a normal looking state (his room had become trashed when he left home, and he said he never had the effort to fix it).  

You understood why. Before the room even began to look tidy, it was already evening, and now you were organising everything, the moon had appeared and the stars were starting to appear.

Whilst you were making the bed, you lifted a pillow, from which an envelope lay underneath.  There was no name or address on the envelope, though it looked different from the rest of his possessions in the room. Everything else so far looked old, dusty or worn, whereas this… this looked new.  

Curious, you opened the letter and read it.

'Y/N Y/L/N,

I’m writing this on the night that we watched the stars together here. There was so much I wanted to say that night, Y/N. And you’re not here now, so this is so much easier to say but…

I love you. I have for a long time.

I really hope I actually gain the courage to give you this letter, but knowing me, it’ll probably just stay wherever I put it.  

You are the most amazing, kind, funny, accepting person I have ever met. And I’m lucky enough to have you as my best friend. But I’m selfish, Y/N. I want more with you but I know you deserve someone much better than me. That’s why I’ve never told you. But every day I see you, I come closer and closer to telling you, because no one else knows you like I do, Y/N/N. All your little quirks. I know not to even try talking to you when you’re reading your favourite book, I know you only have your hot chocolate with the white marshmallows in and I know how much you love the stars.

To me, you are impossible to comprehend in the most beautiful way because the things I love about you are never-ending.

I will forever cherish every second I get to spend with you.  

Sirius’

Eyes starting to water, you read it again and again, until you can’t bear to read it anymore. After everything, all the worry that your love was unrequited, and he said he had loved you.

Overcome with emotions, you run outside, back to where you watched the stars with him for the second time. You had never imagined coming to look at the stars ever again, you thought it would be too painful to have the good memories flooding back to you. Now, you couldn’t care less. You laid in the exact same spot as last time. If you closed your eyes, you could almost picture him lying beside you. Scanning the sky, you try and locate the brightest star in the sky. And with a pang in your heart, you noticed that Sirius shone a little brighter.