#it's.. a complex topic. bcs ik for those that. rlly do care for me. while that in itself believing it entirely is smth i struggle with too
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LAST FR
dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭
#🌙.vents#goddamn it feels like i'm split into half bcs other times oh fuck if someone can do it better i still care so i'll do what i can n hope it'#help even a bit? bcs other times oh fuck it if someone can do it better i still care so i'll do what i can n hope it'll help even a bit?#sometimes doing what i can is enough. but life is inconsistent. i'm not fucking perfect i'm human n i deserve better than this#n i can be kind to myself but.. i think it just rlly gets worse n i fall to this state when i'm consumed by helplessness#god usually i'm better than this i really know better i'm a hopeful person at heart despite all the fucking pain i know#but wnvr it comes i think to feeling like i'm 'failing' in a way. in any way it may feel for me to a certain extent i think that just#makes me like this. fall to despair n doubt n make me overthink more n more#i have never failed an academic assignment or wtvr in my whole entire life. close at few times maybe. but fuck that there r more#important things than acads but honestly every single mistake eats me up inside#i think guilt too i rmb how guilty i felt for my own happiness bcs i got a perfect score i. had the highest score in my foreign language#in gr8. everything perfect in that exam. someone else got perfect but w the help of extra credit. i didn't need it. i got everything right.#i was happy ofc. i've never been the type to brag n i wldn't say it out loud but i was classmates w some friends n#i did better than my friend ever since gr4 that. she's incredibly smart she's smarter than me; i have no hard feelings but i guess#when i was younger i looked up to her too n. i liked the idea of rivals. 'self-proclaimed rivals'#nyways other than that though. my other friend she. she failed. i'm not responsible for how other ppl feel but fuck imagine like#your friend gets perfect n the teacher congratulates her in front of the whole class. but then you fail.#it hurts bcs i've always been quite the empath n apollo n i have always loved to analyze our friends n i rmb her mental health then#she struggled so much but she'd hide n pretend otherwise. she didn't want anyone to worry.. i rmb when she cried as i hugged her one time#n how helpless i felt. i rlly wanted to help more. this is too personal i'll delete sometime def i shldn't ramble sm publicly but idc rn#i don't want her to feel inferior. i think she grew up having problems w that so i'd do my best to show her w my actions n all#that to me. she's always been an equal. we're all equal. i've never seen anyone as anything less w their problems n shortcomings#but i think at some point i ended up. neglecting myself n i got so used to restraining aspects of myself 'for the sake of others'#it's.. a complex topic. bcs ik for those that. rlly do care for me. while that in itself believing it entirely is smth i struggle with too#not bcs others are insufficient but bcs of my own doubts within bcs i really value all these ppl so much. i love them so much#for the ones that rlly care yes ^^ ofc just being myself is enough. if i love others that way unconditionally then i am worthy of it too#but then i have other experiences that hurt me n made me cynical n have trust issues </3 i'm still hopeful at heart. perhaps a bit#too 'idealistic' maybe like alphi ffxiv. nyways that's one of my friends i can't ramble abt the others bcs they're more likely to see this#i guess i just feel helpless rn. to be productive to help or wtvr. it tears me apart. i can't seem to do what i want. other times i can but#god i'm not writing properly there's sm but it's hard to put in words. i know i can do better but.. nvm fuck i have stuff to do i'm sorry
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