#it's weird for someone bubbly and generally confident to just...feel completely worthless and not worth it.

[brawlqueen]

trigger warning for depression.

This is kind of a post all over the place , but I think it boils down to that I'm going through a lot of depression . It's hard enough to get through the week and do responsibilities, but socializing and reaching out is...hard right now . Generally, and this is just probably part of the 'seasonal depression / winter depression' that I imagine a lot of you can relate to and I'm sorry if you're having it too !

But for me, it manifests generally as this inability of expressing how much pain I'm in chats, texts, hanging out with others offline or -- or not feeling like I'm not contributing in servers, chats here, that are just as special to me!, and how lonely I feel, even when surrounded by others.

Like....when I'm like this I feel like I have nothing to offer and it's...embarrassing to type that. I'm not writing it for sympathy, so please don't feel you need to say anything that isn't what it's for. It's.. it's just probably why those of you that have me on discord haven't heard much of me. I don't wanna 'infect' my conversations with all this. Please don't think I'm ignoring you.

I'm slow on my Discord messages because I don't want to bother anyone or be seen like that. How...there's just this sense of 'un-belonging ' I feel no matter what I do.

Usually I'm pretty confident and outgoing but I just...don't have it? I'm sad and I feel pretty empty and by myself people around or not. So that's likely why I'm static on discord messages, and also other issues in my life are kind of making that depression more painful for me.

So I'll mostly try to bury myself in writing and things I owe from last year / pick and keep while seeing if I can even get to a place mentally that is better to interact with others. And for those of you who are struggling with valid and understandable things in the New Year, I really hope you feel better soon too.

Thanks for your patience, on here and on Discord. :')