#it's the same reason i can't bring myself to give up my plushies

[takumisshorttemper]

Being the only one in my friend circle that still has all the physical media I consumed as a child feels so weird. They always react with "what do you do with all of that" or "i gave it all away/my parents threw it out years ago".

I have the whole collection of VHS my father had neatly stored right alongside the CDs that had been passed down to me by my mother (and i would've also kept all of her music cassettes if they still worked) and all the DVDs I used to watch as a kid. And this is just audiovisual media, i also still have all the books and magazines from my childhood on my bookshelf (or the great majority of it at least). I love all those possessions so dearly and the idea of getting rid of part of it or selling it or giving it away in some form pains me so much merely because of the memories, even though I might not be constantly in that media or maybe there is some of it that I don't like or even despise.

But at the same time i feel bad for holding onto it. i would like to be able to share it, to see it used instead of "gathering dust" but i cannot let go.

[marshmallowprotection]

How would the Saerans react if they weren’t feeling well and MC gave them a plushie that MC usually holds when they’re sick or in pain?

Ray would feel honored. You're going to share your most important possession with him? He understands the weight of you doing that. It's not easy to share something that brings you comfort, but if you're willing to do that with somebody you love, that means you trust them more than anything to take care of what you love.

It also means you care enough about them to share what you do when you feel blue. 

It isn't the kind of thing he takes lightly. He wants to feel special to you how much is as much as you feel special to him, so even having the chance to hear you say that would make him feel better, much less actually getting to hold your plushie. 

He would tenderly hold it against his heart and stare at you, as tears burned in the corners of his eyes. Words would be beyond him and yet he would try to force himself to say as much as he could to let you know how much it means to him to be somebody who you care about even if he can't always believe it. 

"Are you sure you want to give this to me, my flower? I wouldn't want to keep your favorite possession away from you, even if you told me it was okay to hold on to it... but as long as I'm here with you... I hope its okay to comfort myself this way..."

Suit Saeran, in all likelihood, would've had your plushie if he knew to take it away from you at the start.

That is to say, it would be easy for him to take something away from you that means the world to you to show you that he's not a good person. He wants you to be terrified of him and what better way to do that than to take something from you?

Now, you might have a legitimate fear that he may throw it away or destroy it, but that's not what he would do in the slightest. For some reason, even if he told you he was going to get rid of it, he wouldn't be able to do that. It's the same reason why he can't always follow through on what he says he's going to do. He'll tell you one thing but then he ends up running away before the worst can happen. 

If he managed to get his hands on it, it would stay with him in the security room.

It would sit at his desk and stare at him mockingly. This toy would remind him of you and any reminder of you when he's working brings him to his knees and makes him question everything he thinks he knows about paradise. Staring at it would make him feel guilty for everything he's done to you. This toy is a reminder of the fact that you're an innocent person and he shouldn't be hurting you for being kind to Ray… and him… even if they don’t deserve it. 

Imagine, if you will, that he brings it back with him when he comes to apologize. You know he's afraid of touching you, but with a gentle smile on your face, you tell him to hold tight to your plushie as if you were hugging him, too. It may not be the same, it may not make the pain go away, but for a brief moment, he would understand what it felt like to be loved. 

GE Saeran knows about your comfort plushie because he can remember how you held onto it the night the two of you shared in the cabin.

It clearly makes you feel better, and even if he understands that it's a placebo effect, that doesn't matter. What matters is that it makes you feel better. He never considered that it would be able to do the same thing for him, after all, he's been sick for a very long time and even as he's learning how to build up his strength, it doesn't change the fact that his immune system is still shot.

He has good days and bad days. It's nice to know that you're with him on those days, because even just laying at your side makes the worst bout of nausea go away. 

At least, in theory. For the most part, whenever he has those bad days, the best he can do is drape his head across your lap and pray that it'll feel better soon. If you were to help him lay on his side and place a plushie in his arms, he would stare at it for the longest time before quietly wrapping his arms around it. Words may not come easy to him when he feels sick, but you can tell how relieved he feels when he stares at you through bleary eyes. 

Keep in mind that this is going to make him want to search for his own plushie so he doesn't have to bother yours. It's nice to be able to share but this is your special friend, and maybe he needs to find his own for whenever he feels bad. Because there's always that chance that you both end up sick on the same day, and he wouldn't want to take something away from you like that.

Unless, of course, you suggest holding each other with the plushie in the middle. 

Unknown wouldn't seen no purpose in taking your toy away as long as it didn't get in the way of your work.

He took you on a whim after all so whatever came with you into Paradise will stay with you. Well, you won't be able to keep your cell phone unless he can modify it to make sure you can't contact the outside world but other than that, anything you had on your person isn't something he's going to bother with. There's no point in taking things away from you since you seem so willing to work with him.

It just isn't worth his time to try and incentivize you through fear. He was tortured through fear and as easy as it would be to dangle a toy over your head, it's not worth his time. That doesn't mean he wouldn't do it, but it just means he wouldn't bother doing it at first.

If at some point you focus on your comfort items instead of doing your work, that might change his tune a little bit, but you don't have to worry about anything getting destroyed because of him. 

He isn't the type to accept comfort from anybody, but if you happen to catch him after a particularly bad cleansing, you might just be able to convince him. It's not often he's given so much elixir that he doesn't know what to do with himself since he is more or less immune to most cleansing at the time you join him. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. 

Worst comes to worst, in his delirium and feverish state, he ends up taking what you offered. It won't register until way later that the thing that brought him comfort when he felt at his worst was something he allowed you to keep. He will never admit to it, but it's worth saying that you helped him discover a new texture he likes. 

SE Saeran doesn't understand how a toy can help you feel better but he didn't grow up with anything to comfort him until Saeyoung could bring things home from church.

He's not going to complain when you have a bad day and the only thing that makes you feel better is a stuffed animal. Everybody has their own way of dealing with their problems, yours just happens to be one that he's not accustomed to. It's not that he has any room to talk because he doesn't particularly do anything when he feels bad.

He just shuts down and goes into his room where he can sit in the dark for a while until the dread goes away. 

It doesn't always go away. Seemingly, the feeling is perpetually there and there's nothing he can do about it. The frequency and intensity differ from day to day. But, he's not unwilling to try something different for a change if you are the one to offer the suggestion. You happen to be one of the only people he can trust, and if you tell him he should do something to feel better, he might just do it. 

Honestly, the best way to suggest this to him is to sit next to him and place the plushie between the two of you. He likely won't be able to bring himself to do the same thing that you do, but imagine you both hold the hand of the plushie on either side of you. It's not much but that just might do the trick. Holding something special to you while it's also connected to you feels like a good thing. Even if it's hard to put those words into action. 

[herecomesmary]

I need to bring back my journal. It's time. I moved on March 23rd. Three months and some days. I learned a lot of things, some cool, some not so much. How to do groceries by yourself without a car. How to walk around my neighborhood, and I can handle walking a lot, like Lizzie Bennet. How to take different paths and figure out which one is best. I don't have a drugstore close-by, so I must plan and count my medication before I run out. I learned that I can spend days without talking to people if I want to. No one will call me or text if I don't reach out, which is nice and dangerous at the same time. I learned that people understand that their time is theirs and no one else's. So I had to pick my time and turn it into something that is also mine and no one else's, for the first time. I started to record the things I do alone. I create new and more ambitious projects every time. I sleep with a plushie cause I feel lonely. I hold it tight. I've hanged fairy lights across my room so it's not so cold cause everything's white. I print K-pop idol pictures every month and collect them. I hang all my posters and photos and colorful things. All my stuff is pink, or black. My new bed is comfortable, and I don't feel like bringing people over anymore. First month, I'd have people in my bed like it was nothing. It's tiring, I don't want that anymore. You must remember when we were like 15 and the first slut rumors started over me. Which was very unfair for that time. I had one boyfriend, and it was that, remember? You were the one who always had a bunch of girls all the time. I can't handle those people. They take my energy away, my body gets all fucked up and my mind even worse. It's like having a vampire sucking all that you have from inside out. I like how things are right now, and it doesn't mean that is enough. But I've been smiling much more than the last month. May and June are always terrible, well, that's on you. July feels like a new beginning. The winter is not so cold yet, but before the evening comes, there's this thick fog in the air, you can almost touch it from my balcony. I have music on all the time so I don't hear my head. I say goodbye when I leave my house and hello when I come back. A person like me living alone will always be an extremely delicate situation, I feel. I try to keep everything tidy and clean. I take hotter showers now, living in this city full of low temperatures. I still wash my hair the same way. At the end of this month, I want to cut and dye it, pink under sections like I used to have when we were teenagers skipping class to go smoke in the school woods. Hiding from the adults. We used to hide all the time from the world. I feel like I have this little space where I hide right now, but alone. I can't give up on being so hopeful. It's so ridiculous, isn't it? All that happened to me was real, painful, criminal, violent, and so extremely violent, and I didn't die. Still, I didn't die. I have no idea how to be honest. Did I try to stay alive? Not all the time, it felt forced most of it. However, I keep trying, I'm a forever trier, trying anything once and always persisting for no reason whatsoever. I persist, and I endure whatever comes my way, alone or not. Mostly by myself. On the anniversary of your death, I already had cut myself so much o couldn't wear short sleeves to work. I still can't. I'm not sure if anyone will notice, but I can't take the risk of a kid asking my boss why I have so many scars on my arms. I know, I should keep just on my belly, but the cuts were all opened. It had to be somewhere else. I did one on my face as well. It's not as satisfying as I thought it would be. But I'm probably overestimating people observation powers. No one looks at me enough to notice that, so I should be fine. I think I will be fine soon enough. Every day that passes, I'm a bit better. I was thinking of the time this was everything I desire with my whole heart, and now it's just days. Humans are never happy with what they have, right?

I often think about that relationship I wanted. With someone who'd love me with the same power that I'm capable of loving. Adore me in all my peculiarities, worship me, be kind and gentle, and tell me lovely things with passion and desire. The person that will love me hard, with energy, with palpable proofs of their feelings. The one that will give me a darry ring and fill my soul with all forms of art, poetry, literature, philosophy, and music. My partner with a similar soul, that more than anything else, will provide me understanding and compassion. This I realized that the thing my heart urges to possess, more than love itself, is understanding. Emphaty for the mind I live in, and endless judgment free environment.

I heard it isn't possible to understand a person completely. We are forever stuck in our personal experiences. But we know that's not true. You understood every single thing that ever was real about me. I'll be forever greatfull that we happened, even for a short period of time in universal history. This short secound that my soul mate was with me is my most precious possession.

I've been photographing the sunset every time I get the chance, I think you've liked that.