#it's such a balm for all the pain of the other anime's in my life 😩💕💕💕💕

[quiveringdeer]

just got caught up on the latest Buddy Daddies episode....

I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR WHAT WAS ON MIRI'S SCAVENGER HUNT CARD

[azzibuckets]

For the Love of the Game [Pazzi | Part 8/10]

paige bueckers x azzi fudd

summary: in which the “fake” in fake dating starts to rear its ugly head

a/n: probably the most painful thing i’ve ever written

word count: 2.2k

masterlist w/ all parts

“How was practice?”

Azzi gently stirred the mug of hot chocolate as she carefully brought it over to Paige, who accepted it with a grateful smile.

“Pretty good. Worked on our box and one defense.” Paige brought the mug to her lips but Azzi halted her, leaning over to blow on the steaming liquid first. “Careful. It’s hot.”

The younger girl took a seat on the couch, bringing Paige’s feet onto her lap. This is how their past few nights had looked like - Azzi rubbing Paige’s legs while recounting practice detail by detail, from the conditioning to the drills to the scrimmages. It was slightly exhausting giving such a complete run down of their entire three hour practice, especially since Paige tended to asked questions that seemed irrelevant, making the whole spiel last even longer, but from the way the blonde listened intently, Azzi knew that this was how she was coping.

So these days she’d found herself stopping to take notes during practice, of important things that Geno said or observations she made of their plays, so that Paige would have something interesting to hear about.

“That’s good.” Paige pressed the heel of her foot against Azzi’s thigh, sending her a soft smile. “I missed you today.”

Azzi pinched Paige’s skin, a playful grin on her face. “You just saw me yesterday.”

“I know, but it’s not enough. It gets so lonely in here. Going outside is so tiring with crutches and shit.” Paige leaned her head back, breathing hard. When Azzi didn’t respond, only comfortingly patting her leg, she took it as a sign to continue. “I can’t even hang out with the girls no more because I feel like I’m dragging everyone behind, pathetically limping and trying to catch up.” Paige was on a rant now, her pent up anger seeping through her words. “But then I can’t go out alone, cuz sometimes people will start swarming me like I’m an animal at a zoo, and I can’t even escape because of my stupid leg.”

Paige was heaving now, and she was surprised when she looked down and saw that a wet drop had fallen on the collar of her shirt. Touching her cheek with her fingertips, she’d realized that tears had started to fall. “This is so stupid,” Paige grumbled. “I don’t know why I’m getting emotional over this shit.”

“Hey.” Azzi’s voice was gentle, a soothing balm to Paige’s wounds. “It’s not stupid. I get what you mean. I tore my ACL in high school. People always talk about the obvious struggles like not being able to play and stuff, but they don’t know about all these little things that make even daily life so hard.” She gently swiped her thumb over a tear rolling down Paige’s cheek. “I might have a solution to your problems, though.”

“What?” Paige perked up, suddenly interested.

Azzi smirked. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

————————

The next day, when Azzi opened the door of Paige’s apartment with the key that she’d been gifted, she came with a shiny wheelchair in tow.

She heard Paige moving around in the bathroom, so she rushed to hide the wheelchair behind the couch before the blonde could step out. The water from the faucet started running, and soon Paige limped out on her crutches.

“Oh my god, you scared me for a second,” Paige laughed.

Azzi slowly winded her arms around the older girl’s waist. “Guess what?”

Paige kissed the corner of Azzi’s mouth, trying to calm her heart that was now racing just from seeing the girl. “What?” But Azzi didn’t respond. She merely grabbed Paige’s crutches with one hand while supporting her waist with the other. She tossed them to the side, laughing at the confusion on Paige’s face.

“Are you gonna magically heal my knee?” Paige asked sarcastically, gripping into Azzi’s elbow for dear life.

“Nope. But today we’re going out, and all you’ll need is this.” Azzi slowly guided Paige to the couch, where she pointed at the wheelchair.

The blonde’s eyes widened. “No way!”

“Yes, way.” Azzi made sure Paige was steadily holding on to the couch before jogging to retrieve the wheelchair. “When I tore my ACL I had the same issue. I felt all pent up in my room but crutches were way too big of a nuisance. So my dad surprised me with a wheelchair and he’d just take me to the park and stuff so I could get some fresh air without having to hobble everywhere.”

Paige situated herself into the wheelchair, still in disbelief at the kind gesture. She felt Azzi run her hands through her hair, collecting and bringing it back, exposing the nape of her neck for her to brush her lips against. “Ready?” she murmured against her skin.

“Fuck yes.”

————————-

Paige never thought she’d be so happy to be in a wheelchair. But here she was, being pushed by Azzi around the Storrs campus, and she’d never felt so giddy.

At first, they walked quietly, without aim. Paige would occasionally point things out and Azzi would respond with a hum. Every so often Azzi would let her fingernails lightly scratch across Paige’s shoulders, a soft reminder of her presence, and both were content.

“Oh my god, Az. There’s ice cream.” Paige turned around and gave such adorable puppy eyes that the dark haired girl could only roll her eyes affectionately and give in. When Paige started quietly chanting, “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream,” Azzi shook her head, marveling at how to everyone else, Paige as a big and intimidating all star athlete, but to Azzi, she was just a dork.

“You wanna share?” Paige asked, studying the menu with the most concentration and thoughtfulness that Azzi had ever seen from her.

“Only if we get mint chip.”

“So you like toothpaste. Gotcha.”

Azzi leaned down to whisper in her ear, “You weren’t saying that last night.” The blonde immediately blushed, recalling how while they’d brushed their teeth last night, Azzi had looked so gorgeous that she couldn’t help herself but kiss her right then and there. Azzi had shrieked and pushed her off, but Paige had chuckled, pressing another toothpastey kiss to her cheek.

But Paige quickly recovered. “Well, anything tastes good when it’s on your lips.” This time it was Azzi’s turn to blush furiously.

For the rest of their “walk,” Paige focused on slurping her ice cream cone, occasionally lifting it up for Azzi to take a bit.

“You ate basically all of it,” Azzi complained once Paige had popped the last piece of cone into her mouth.

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you asking for a bite from all the way up there,” Paige mocked.

Azzi leaned over the back of the wheelchair, staring at Paige upside down. “You’re an idiot,” she’d laughed as she’d pressed her lips to Paige’s.

“Very nice,” Paige approved once they broke apart. “Like Spider-man.”

The girls heard a high-pitched squeal come from behind them, and they both turned around, surprised to see Leo barreling towards them.“That was so cute!” Paige looked down, noticing the camera in Leo’s hand. “But do you think you could redo that kiss, with everything exactly the same? My lens went out of focus so the video came out kinda blurry.”

“What?” Paige looked at Azzi to see if she was just as confused as they were, but Azzi was staring icily at Geno’s daughter, her jaw clenched and rigid.

“Uh, for the documentary?” Leo held up her camera, as if that explained everything. “Azzi, I knew I agreed not to come yet, but this was so great! I think after this we can just move onto the interviews. I won’t be needing any more content.”

“Leo,” Azzi said roughly, taking a menacing step towards her. “Please leave.”

“What?” The peppy brunette looked taken aback.

“No, don’t leave,” Paige interjected. She looked between the two of them in disbelief. “Does someone wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Now Leo looked confused. “Azzi? I thought you told her?”

“Fucking hell.” Azzi let go of the wheelchair, pressing her palms against her temples. “I was going to,” she mumbled. “I swear I was, but-”

“Someone tell me what the fuck is going on right now.” Paige heard her own voice, and it took even her by her surprise. She hadn’t used a tone so filled with malice and aggression against Azzi since before they’d started this whole thing, and right now that felt like decades ago.

Leo looked hesitantly at Azzi before saying softly, “Um, I know the truth about you guys. That you two aren’t actually dating.”

Panic rose up in Paige’s throat. “Fudd, you told her?”

“I didn’t tell her!” Azzi said quickly, her voice all nervous and high pitched. “She overheard one of our conversations and asked me about it.”

“But I told her I’d keep the secret to myself, including from my dad, as long as you guys would agree to keep doing my segment. It’s way too late into the semester to throw my whole project away,” Leo defended.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Azzi’s heart lurched at the wounded look in Paige’s eyes. She glanced at Leo. This was not the way she’d planned for this conversation to play out, in front of Leo and in public, with some people now staring at them.

“I-”

“Wait.” Paige interrupted. “So why is Leo here right now? Can someone explain that?”

Leo looked guiltily down at her camera, as if she’d just been caught red handed. “Well, you’ve been out with your ACL, so you haven’t really been around to help film for my doc. Which I totally understand, it’s really terrible what happened. But then I realized I was really running short on scenes, and they’re due in a week, so I asked Azzi if there was any chance that I could get any more candids of you guys.” A headache was starting to form behind Paige’s eyes, throbbing and threatening to split her skull. “Azzi texted back and said that she was taking you around campus today, and that I could come get some shots if I wanted,” Leo finished, staring at the ground.

“I told you that you could get some shots after I gave you the say so.” Azzi spit, her eyebrows drawn together in fury as she glared at Leo. “Not whenever the fuck you wanted, just following us like creeps.” Azzi leaned down until she was eye to eye with Paige. “Listen, P. I was planning on telling you that Leo knew. And I was planning on asking you for permission for her to come take some shots at the end of the day, so that she’d have enough to turn in. I was planning on doing all this before Leo came, but I forgot.” Azzi’s voice came out patched and broken. “I swear I wouldn’t have let her if you’d said no.”

Paige‘s knuckles clenched tight, her fingernails digging into the palms of her hand so hard that she started to draw blood. Of course.

Why else would Azzi show up to her apartment with this godforsaken wheelchair, with that stupid big grin of hers, and offer to spend her entire day pushing Paige around like a servant? Azzi hadn’t cared that Paige had opened up to her, been vulnerable to her about how difficult it had been to be stuck on crutches, helpless and incapable. No, she’d wheeled Paige around in order to look like a hero, to look like the model girlfriend in front of Leo’s dumbass cameras, motivated to save her own ass from being kicked off the Europe trip.

All of the times Azzi had shown up to her apartment, groceries in hand, had stayed for a movie and fallen asleep on Paige’s shoulder? Those moments had meant everything to Paige, and nothing to her. Paige cursed herself for letting her guard down, for letting herself fall in love with Azzi Fudd. For letting herself believe that they could be anything more than enemies.

She turned to Leo. “Take me home,” she demanded, her voice cold.

“Paige, wait.” Azzi scrambled furiously to stand in front of the wheelchair. “Please, you don’t understand.”

“Understand what? The fact that you know I have a hard time opening up to people, yet when I finally opened up to you about my insecurities about using crutches, you immediately took advantage of that?” Paige laughed, but it was bitter and hollow because right now, nothing was funny.

“That wasn’t my intention at all. You can’t-”

“You know what?” Paige interrupted. “I can’t even be mad at you. This is what we agreed to after all. Fake dating. Nothing less, nothing more.” She laughed bitterly. “In fact, I should thank you for being the reasonable one. For not being stupid enough to get your feelings involved like I did.” Paige bit the inside of her cheek so hard she could taste blood. “This was really a genius plan. Lugging the cripple around, getting her ice cream like she’s a poor child that needs to be saved. You’re smart, Fudd, I’ll give you that.” Paige hated it, the way Azzi was recoiling into herself because of her words, but she couldn’t think. She could only feel, and right now she was feeling a whole lot of hurt.

Leo nervously took ahold of Paige’s wheelchair.

“Paige, you don’t even know what you’re saying,” Azzi said. And apparently Paige was better at controlling her emotions than Azzi was, because Azzi was crying now, forcing words through her tears.

Paige cut her off again. “Save it.” She motioned for Leo to push, and they began heading in the opposite direction. “Don’t bother coming to my surgery.”

Paige hadn’t meant that. Oh god, she hadn’t meant that. They’d talked about her surgery just days earlier - Azzi had joked that she would fill up Paige’s entire apartment with stuffed animals to await her return; she’d joked that she’d show up to her hospital room from the first visiting hour and stay until the last, nagging and bothering Paige the entire time until Paige begged her to leave; she’d joked that she’d bring the biggest and brightest bouquet of flowers she could find so that she would outshine all the other measly attempts at flowers that people would bring. Paige had laughed, but in her head, she’d thought about how much she wouldn’t have minded if Azzi actually followed through with her words. About how the first face she wanted to see after her surgery was Azzi, and only Azzi. But she hadn’t said any of that, had instead giggled and swatted Azzi on the shoulder.

But now, the distance between them grew further and further, and it took Paige everything not to break apart right then and there.

[bullet-prooflove]

Traditions - Angel Reyes x Reader

Part of @storiesofsvu Holiday Bingo! The square was Decorations!

Tagging: @witches-unruly-heart @keyweegirlie @trhett21 @annetje @infinity-mars @danzer8705 @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @thatonesexycancerian @weiwei0210 @anime-weeb-4-life @multifandomloversworld @harperdoodle @cheyrenee @fanfic-n-tabulous @deliriousfangirl61 @daydreaming-belle @est1887 @thanossexual @creativitybeware @librarian1002 @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @spookyboogyuniverse @spaghettificationandpretzels @joyfulfxckery @nu1freakshow @thebaileybugle @legally-a-bastard @bonsaijoons @justreblogginfics '@crazy4chickennuggets @kmc1989 @withakindheartx @storiesofsvu

Following on from the Taken!Series

It’s the first time since Marisol’s death that Felipe’s house is being decorated for Christmas. Angel, EZ and Felipe don’t usually celebrate the season, instead they have a couple of beers, watch a few movies and let the day pass them by. You’re not much different. You’ve been on your own since your Nana died, you used to spend the day in the fields with your music on, collecting buds or in the apothecary making the balm that soothes away all of those aches and pains. Now there’s a child in the mix things are different. Angel’s decided to go all out and that apparently includes buying the largest Christmas tree known to man.

“She’s four months old.” You remind Angel as him and EZ wrestle with getting the tree through the front door. “I don’t think she minds how big the tree is.”

“I tried to tell him.” EZ tells you as he guides the trunk into the stand and begins to twist the pins that hold it in place. “But he was adamant, it had to be this one. I think Valeria’s first Christmas is making him a little nuts.”

“Then I guess we’re doing this thing.” You say, your palm brushing over Valeria’s fine dark hair as she snuggles even deeper into your chest.

“You are doing this thing.” EZ corrects you, kissing his niece on the top of the head. “I have hampers to deliver, you get to deal with all of his madness.”

“Traitor.” You accuse as you walk him to the door.

EZ gives you that shit-eating grin of his as you shoot him the middle finger. You watch him climb on his bike, raising Valeria’s hand to wave goodbye before you close the door behind him. When you turn to face the tree, it feels like it’s even bigger than it was two minutes ago. You can hear Angel in the other room, rooting through the box of decorations that he’d brought down from the attic.

“OK kid, your dad’s gone a little crazy but we’re gonna lean it into it ok?” You say to Valeria as her tiny fist grips the fabric of your shirt. “We’re just gonna lean right into it.”

***

Valeria is asleep by the time you’ve finished decorating the living room. The tree glows from the corner of the room, bathing it in a warm light as the two of you sit on the floor alongside Valeria’s bassinet. The scent of pine floods your nostrils, the sound of Bing Crosby’s Christmas album playing on the decade’s old stereo. You’re both drinking hot chocolate, not the instant kind. One made from traditional cocoa, something Angel had picked up along with the whipped cream and marshmallows.

It's perfect, this moment. Your little family taking a breath and enjoying the holidays. It’s been a hell of a year with everything that happened with Skye and then your recovery but you’re here celebrating the holiday season with your lover and daughter.

“You know, I thought you’d gone a little insane with all of this but now I get it.” You say as you survey the room, the tiny family heirlooms on the mantlepiece, the fairy lights intermingled with the wreath. “It’s beautiful.”

“You thought I’d lost my mind, didn’t you?” Angel teases as his lips brush over your temple.

“A little.” You admit, taking a sip of your hot chocolate. “But I get it. You want the perfect Christmas for our little girl, something like the ones you remember from your childhood.”

“My mom used to make it so special.” Angel tells you as his gaze comes to rest on the tiny handmade ornaments he’d made with his mom once upon a time. “Even when we were grown, we’d still come over, help her decorate. I want traditions like that with Valeria, with you...”

His hand comes to rest upon your stomach, his thumb smoothing over the place where his son resides. He knows it’s a boy, he can feel it in his bones. “Our new baby.”

“You haven’t told anyone right?” You murmur, your palm coming to rest upon his. “It’s still too early.”

“No Mi Reina I haven’t.” He says, tipping your chin up so you can meet his gaze. There’s such love in those eyes, such tenderness, such adoration. His lips brush over yours and it’s the sweetest kiss, so soft, so meaningful. His thumb ghosts along the line of your jaw and he smiles just a little as you moan into his mouth. “Isn't that what got us here in the first place?”

He draws away as Valeria mumbles grumbles in her sleep, his gaze slipping to his daughter.

“I can’t believe how blessed I am.” He tells you, his warm fingers splaying over your abdomen. “You, Valeria and little peanut are the best gifts I could have asked for.”

“It’s going to be a great Christmas.” You say entwining your fingers with his. “The best one yet.”

Love Angel? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[mysdrymmumbles]

The Hope in a Hug

So a while ago, @citrusbunnies mentioned that they wanted to see something about Karlach being able to touch people after forever, and I dunno if I quite hit what they were aiming for, but I thought I'd try my hand at it.

Happy New Year!

---

For ten years, Karlach has suffered in the Hells, betrayed and sold by a man she trusted completely, a man she looked up to. When she finally found her chance to escape, she was so sure that things would be better.

And to a degree, they are. She is no longer trapped in the endless, pointless Blood War. She is free from her mistress, free to make her own choices, to live her own life.

At least, that’s what she repeats in her head and as she goes to sleep—alone—every night.

It is autumn when Karlach returns to the material plane, and those first few days that she is back are utterly glorious. To see the world in its full array of colors, leaves changing, the sky a cold blue, to catch sight of the occasional woodland creature flitting into the woods, to see frogs at streams of cold, clear water…

It is a balm on her tortured soul.

However, even though she has left the Hells, they have not left her.

She walks through the material plane now, but she is still so far removed from it that part of her wonders if she wouldn’t be better back in Avernus. It is a part she always quells quickly, but the question resurfaces again and again.

She knows the air is crisp, but cannot feel it through the flames that flicker in her veins and across her skin. The water is cold, but it steams when she dips her hands into it. Flowers wither and smoke at her touch. She doesn’t dare try to coax any of the animals to her.

And people…

Gods, but she wishes she could touch someone. 

She misses sex, of course, but what she wants more than anything, more than that, is just simple touch. She wants to brush a leaf off a friend’s shoulder without leaving a scar. She wants to hold their hand, tousle their hair, sling an arm around their shoulders without them yelping in pain. 

But if she touches anyone, she burns them.

Her new companions are sympathetic, mostly. They help her find an infernal blacksmith on the material plane—what luck—but even as they promise that they will keep searching for a cure, even as Dammon swears he will try to come up with a way to settle the fires in her engine, they hurt her.

It is unintentional, and she feels terrible for even thinking it, but the truth is it hurts to watch the rest of them. Hands on shoulders, elbows nudging, and—as it gets colder still—the others often find themselves huddling together at night, bodies pressed together for warmth.

Karlach wishes she could curl around them, with them. She wishes she could just feel them. 

Gods, but it really is like she’s still trapped in her own personal bubble of Avernus. 

She keeps her tone cheerful, tries not to think about it.

There are moments when the flames burn so hot in comparison to the world around her, that she thinks she might melt away. She dares to complain once, and her companion is quick to assure her it will be alright.

But it is so hard to believe that blind optimism.

It is the sort of hope that has fueled her for the last decade and now that she is here, now that she is so close to home, it feels like that hope has become too strained, like with the miracle she has managed, asking for more is too much.

Karlach presses on because that is all she can do. 

When they find Dammon again in the shadowcursed lands, he meets her with a wide grin and a handful of schematics he has been sketching. She almost cries when she realizes that he has not stopped thinking of her since they last parted ways. 

That never would have happened in the Hells.

More so is her disbelief when they hand him their hardwon infernal iron and he knows exactly what to craft. He makes the adjustments, she sets them into place.

And then there is a terrifying moment where she stands there, wondering.

Is it enough?

Has she finally regained what Zariel took from her?

The answer to that is that there are things that she will never get back, and she knows this, but in the moment when arms loop around her, tug her tight, she knows that at least a small piece of her has been returned.

Even an archdevil couldn’t take everything.

More arms encircle her, and soon she is standing in the middle of cluster of friendly embraces, held for the first time in a decade, by half a dozen people who love her.

Damn, it feels good.

There is nothing comparable.

In the coming days, when she finds herself still halting her hand before thwacking a friend’s arm only for them to playfully reach out and nudge her, when she finds arms looping with hers and heads resting on her shoulders at the campfire, none of it feels real.

As she lays in camp, with companions squabbling over who gets to cuddle up next to the best heat source in all of Faerun, she sometimes wonders if this is a dream. If she lets herself drift off to sleep, will she wake up surrounded by charred corpses? 

Will she wake up in Avernus?

Each morning that greets her with that pale cold that makes her breath puff in front of her lips strengthens her hopes, renews them. 

By the time they reach Baldur’s Gate, she does not hesitate when she reaches out to grab shoulders, does not stop herself when she tousles hair and laughs at the way her companions become so playfully disgruntled.

She can feel the strain of the engine inside of her. She knows that it will not last much longer.

But damn if these aren’t some of the best moments of her life.

It’s not fair that a few short months are all she gets after a decade of utter despair, but she tries not to think that far ahead.In the moment, in the now, if she needs a hug, she can reach out for one, and that is enough.

[librarianandguardian]

My Moonshine - Geto x GN!Reader

Pairing : S2!Geto Suguru x Gender Neutral!Reader

Word count : 2 938 (= 7 Google Doc pages)

Warnings : Canon Divergence (of some sort), Mentions of dark thoughts, looming dread of death (just looming), angst/comfort

/!\ Spoilers for the end of the 1st part of JJK Season 2. Proceed at your own risk /!\

A.N : Okay... I know I post every new blood moon... But hey new fic ! Bear with me, I needed to comfort myself after seeing the Hidden Inventory/Premature Death Arc animated. I was dreading to see it animated because... Heartbreaking. Just as scared for Shibuya. Anyway definitely Canon divergence I'M HERE FOR IT OKAY.

Being a good exorcist was easy. Being a talented exorcist could come from two paths : birthright or hard work. You considered yourself a hard working one. The cursed technique bestowed upon you yielded terrifying consequences. But offered wonderful opportunities. Water. The element of life, creating and keeping alive. The spirits of Nature were and are to this day, the kindest beings of this world. So their wrath can be as burning as their love for their disciples.

And you started to wonder if you hadn’t offended someone. Hand on your right flank, your body, folded in a corner, was waiting for the curses to pass by you. Though, there seemed to be little chances of survival with the scent of your blood everywhere on the floor. This mission was supposed to be in, kill, out. One curse, one hour maximum to find it. Yet your life was flashing before your eyes, a gentle sob needing to spill out. Time couldn’t rob you like that. Not now.

The celestial body was dead, Haibara-kun too and Nanami quit to be “normal”. All your friends fell through repetitive depressive episodes; Shoko started drinking atop of her smoking habit, Gojo though more mature was now endangering students, fighting more and more with Geto, whom blamed himself for the death of Riko and Haibara. Geto… Your moonshine. With his man bun. His stupid wit. His ease. When everything was going to hell, you would both bitch about Gojo together, pass out on the common room’s couch in eased silence, dance on new tracks with Shoko by your side. He always had bad days, but they were becoming more and more violent. And all these rituals were less and less vibrant. He never fell asleep; he hummed, no more wits; stared with an empty look at that wall while listening to new tracks. Honestly ? You were so used to grieving that cheering people up became a reflex.

Cry at night, smile to people to shine. Be their light.

You knew it was bad for you. But your heart couldn’t bare to see others endure what you had.

Be the balm you didn’t have back then.

Another hard truth ? Your mind was cracking. Only two years had gone by. Your pain drowning you slowly, week by week. No one was cheering up. You were feeling useless. Just like this instant. Curled up in a ball, life draining slowly. Exhausted from your first insomnias these past few days. Surprised on a dangerous mission. Why did the higher-ups send you alone on this ? Did they see how useless you were becoming as you aged ? No… Why would they…

Low growls neared your corner. Rusted furniture was protecting you for now. Maybe their ironish smell would fool them. Or did they fool you ? No wish of yours had ever been so strong than the one clouding your mind right now.

Heat Wave. A fan. A white ceiling with bamboo planks. Shorts and tank tops. An opened couch and pillows. Suguru softly breathing next to you, his phone battery dead, one earbud in, the other out, a bit of saliva running out of his mouth. The window bay opened, the one facing the fresh forest, the gentle stream passing through the pond tinking. Stars in a clear sky, accompanied by the moon.

Why did you get the exact opposite ? And the sounds you wished to hear again…

“Thank you, Droplet. My heart is indebted to your generous one.” His index boops your nose, you giggle. “ Please, call on me if you need anything. I…” He pauses, serious, before gently tugging the handle of your lollipop to mess with you. “You and Shoko are the only ones keeping me sane these days.” Your hand grabs his to try to free the handle, as you both giggle. “Stay bright, little light.”

Well, if you didn’t turn into a vengeful spirit after all of these thoughts… Anything else your brain wants you to regret before you die ? A summer festival memory ! Sounds like a good way to wrap it up.

A Rainbow of traditional clothing. You loved yours. Geto had brought you to his favourite secret store of traditional clothing, where you found THE outfit for the festival. Smiles everywhere. Smells of food. Fireworks. Hugs. Songs. The fresh air of midnight. Your moonshine seeing you shivering. After a quick inquiry, his arms draped over your shoulders, covering you with his large black sleeves, as his chin rests at the top your head. That giant bastard did warm you up, but so did your cheeks and heart. You wondered how you could get him to do that more often.

You had found out a few weeks later, while discussing with Utahime on the phone. Mortified described your state extremely well. None of you were ready to be in any kind of relationship. Your souls were vividly scarred by all the recent events. Broken can’t fix the broken. A couple is the union of two people, who know their personal value and want to add the other’s to theirs because they love it. It is an addition, not a completion to the hole in their heart. Geto had been a friend for so long now, that these sayings didn’t stop your thoughts about the possibility. He knew how to be an entire person without anyone, even if it hurt him at times; he could choose his addition without a worry. But what about you, still fighting against your people pleasing habits, oblivious to yourself worth ?

The snarls of the curse were right next to you. It had stopped, sensing your presence, searching. Its head turned left, towards your spot then right. It sniffed carefully around the abandoned building. The air was mossy, rancid, dusty. Your blood could blend with the rust. Your breaths were short, eyes tightly closed. The curse was constituted partly of water. You could trace its movement, anticipating your probable death. Speaking of which, you decide to make peace with it all. Step by step. In your mind, three different versions of you appeared : a child, a teenager, a young adult.

You cherished our alone time and hobbies all while being a busy exorcist. We are soo badass !

I kept that part of myself. Thank you, little light.

You weren’t a scared teenager anymore. You fought, saved people, protected the one you love. Our mind and our heart cooperate without bitterness now. That’s one hell of an accomplishment.

I’m proud of myself. Thank you, we’re saved.

We both know what we want now, don’t we ? You have been blind on purpose because you were scared.

Of what ?

Appearing cold when mourning. Too cheery on a daily basis, while everyone was sad. To equal your seniors. To admit you finally fell in love.

…

It’s not because they didn’t cheer up every day that you failed. The important thing is that you stay true. He wants you by his side, so do you. We jump towards our death in every mission. Allow yourself some moonshine in this dreary life. A droplet can change everything. Survive.

You opened your eyes. The curse had turned its head back near the rusted furniture protecting you. Okay, it was big. But full of water. You control water. It could work, right ? Your wound wasn’t too bad for now. Your hand covered in blood would argue, but it couldn’t speak, so fuck it. Drawing a deep breath in, your legs sprung you out of your hiding spot. The curse screamed, extending its hands to you. Its mouth wide open, you saw some saliva. Perfect.

Thank you, Droplet.

You screamed in return, letting some tears fall out of your eyes. You infused them with cursed energy, alongside your sweat. You would have preferred to use external water like a puddle but oh well. Even the moss would not have been enough. Tears and sweat are highly linked to emotions, making them potent catalytic fluids. You would tire quicker, but it was the best way to get out of here. Creating a string with a hook, you launched it inside the mouth. Got the connection.

First step : letting it swallow some more. Screaming some tears out, your cursed energy allowed you some strength. The string got longer, the curse swallowed.

Second step : deeper. The sheer need to resist the pull made you sweat some more. The thread became longer, the curse falling deeper into your trap. The map of its in and out was clear now.

Third step : Hook and tear apart. That could be trickier. Your strength had its limits, especially with a wound. Draining your own water… Everyone says it’s a dumb idea. But you know why you use it; last resort.

Your feet firmly planted on the ground, you pull. Shivers and tremors ran through you. One of your knees touched the ground. Your throat got drier by the second. But you screamed. Your heart wanted to make it out of here to spill it all out to your moonshine. Deep down, you knew that because you and Shoko were behind him, Geto stayed somewhat sane. That he didn’t jump off of an edge you could not have saved him from.

If you die, he might let go.

Hell no. Not on your watch. That moonshine would not disappear. Your tired arms pulled. Your cursed energy went up some more. It didn’t seem like enough. Wrapping the thread around your wrist, your now free second hand straightened in the direction of the curse. It was going to act like a magnet to the hook, to pierce through the curse. You loosened the thread a little. This was your riskiest manoeuvre : a few seconds of inattention and you’d be dead.

The curse wailed ; the hook was slowly coming out. But it started shaking left and right. Now you were fucked. Still, as hopeful as ever, you kept going. Your thoughts were on a loop, like a broken record.

I want more time. I want more time. I want more time. I want more time.

Something ran down your nose. On your right flank too. Blood, probably.

I need more time. I need more time. I need more time. I need more time.

A swift breeze blew behind your back. Opening your eyes, a giant white dragon flew through the opening your hook had created, tearing the last curse of your mission apart. Your thread and hook dematerialised. The tension of your body evaporated. Your muscles became jelly. The dragon came to you, sniffing you. A smile crossed your features. Someone called out your name, far, getting closer, next to your face. You couldn’t leave the dragon’s gaze, the happiness it brought you. A few words leave your mouth, before you blacked out head first on the fuzzy head in front of you.

“ I’m ok. ”

Shoko contemplated the night sky. She had never been into it. Until one fateful pyjama party involving you and your random knowledge. It soothed her now. A puff of smoke ascended towards it. The state you came back in was not too bad, you were mainly exhausted. Your wound healed up without a problem. She could recognize the signs of insomnias on your body; paler skin, darker under-eyes, shallow breaths. Your undying resolve to cheer was fading.

Did you think of Death, good friend ?

Another puff of smoke flew up. Maybe Shoko should stop smoking. Go on your little mental health walks with you. Cry with you. Grieve together. A cold breeze blew her hair away. For tonight though, she’d leave you to your peace. She giggled tenderly. What a surprise you’d have waking up. Smashing the butt of her cigarette into a pot, her arms snuggled her white blouse closer around her turtleneck. She often wished to have a Geto of her own.

“I won’t let you freeze, Droplet.”

Those are the last words you thought you would hear waking up. Your nose ran a little, your feet feeling the cold air of the room; as well as a pair of legs. Slowly emerging, your forehead noted the warm chest it rested against. A big hand was rubbing the back of your head. Your back shivered at the contrast between the air and the arm circling it, the hand politely resting on your side. Lips kissed the top of your hair.

“Please never do that again. That was so reckless of you. Did you really think we wouldn’t back you up ? Even if we were forbidden to do so ? ”

One of your hands, bunched up against your own chest, grabbed onto the black t-shirt in front of you. You had woken up a few times, mere seconds each, but every time you felt like shit. Your brain was letting your heart loose. You wanted to cry so bad. But exhaustion put you back to sleep just before you could. However now, you were fully awake and ready to burst. Your nostrils recognized the perfume next to you. He saved you, probably watched you bleed out without knowing if it was fatal or not, and stayed by your side for hours on end. A sob above you invaded your ear.

“We need… I want you by my side for all of this. I want to smile with you. Be a brat with you. I-”

Another sob. Tears dropped on your cheeks.

“Nap like we’re in a coma in summer. Hold you on a cold night of a festival. Hug when we’re sad for whatever reason.”

If he hadn’t noticed you yet, that would do it. A shaky breath escaped your mouth a little too loudly. You sniffed. The hand on your side twitched a bit, indicating Geto had in fact heard you, freezing in place.

“Are you ?...”

You buried your head in his neck, rounding his torso with your arms, crying. He probably had to fight Shoko to be able to lay in your infirmary bed like that. Instinctively, his arms held you tighter, leaving you some time; taking some time for him to cry too. Your hands grabbed the back of his shirt with urge, afraid to lose it.

“I want you too. I jumped out to save myself because I wanted to live please… don’t…”

Even though Geto was shaky, he loosened his grip to let you look at his face. Dark circles, wrinkles from the sheets and a small cut on his left cheek. His voice only shushed you gently, the hand on your side cupping the side of your face to rub his thumb on your temple. Your eyes met. He nodded to you, exhaling all the air in his lungs. You followed, warmed up by his attempt to help breath smoothly again. You synchronised, like every time you eased the other out of sadness. These breathing exercises had been transmitted by one of the spirits of the water you met long ago. A gentle puddle pushed by the wind. You were crying your eyes out in the forest, having seen another one of your friends die in a trial. The puddle worked with the wind to move in slow motions, allowing you to sync your breath with them.

One out for one, two, three, four ripples. One in for one, two, three, four ripples… Halt ! One ripple. Two ripples.

“Three ripples. Four ripples. Let loose, Droplet.”

The hand on your face moved back to your hair, caressing them.

“Are you feeling better ?”

With one last breath out, a small smile appeared on your features. Your body was warm from head to toe, happy to be alive, to have him so close.

“Thanks to you, Suguru.”

His eyes widened again, a slight blush covering his cheeks. The moments he could help you back were so rare. You thanked him every time. However you had just confessed to him. Fireworks went off in his brain, barely believing it. He was getting delirious after worrying so much at night, right ? Or was he dreaming ? A mental slap later, his heart screamed to be in the moment. So as sly as ever, he grinned after scoffing.

“Don’t mention it.”

You shook your head, amused. Hugging him again, you wondered if what you both said earlier was going to be talked about tonight. A light breeze made his arms hold you a little closer. He kissed one of your temples. Maybe you should have that conversation. Pushing it back wouldn’t be any good. The night was still young.

“So, heard you say you wanted me, little light ? Is that true ?”

You huffed a laugh at his casual tone, knowing full well that his heart was hammering against one of your ears.

“Yes. I believe it was an appropriate response to your lengthy love declaration. That you professed while you thought I SLEPT. That is so mean. Never hide your feelings like that with me, please ? ”

It was his turn to laugh. But no mockery laced his voice. Just a little bit of admiration. You had been on Death’s door. Yet here you were, scolding him with your entire heart.

“I promise, Droplet. Would you do the same ?”

Your head lifted to watch him. His face seemed so relaxed. Did all of this mean you could get infinite free hugs and that beautiful smile all day long ?

“I promise, Moonshine.”

Maybe the next few years aren’t going to be too bad.

[averseunhinged]

HAPPY WIP WEDNESDAY

i'm locked into only working on this one fic until it's finished. it's the event horizon now and sam neill is here.

previously on this mfer:

this

then this

this

this

last week's

this week's

this one

then this

and finally this

“We went out tonight, kind of specifically for me to pick someone up.” She watched him for a negative reaction.

“I assumed so, yes,” he said with a chagrined little half-smile, but was otherwise unfazed.

“I thought I'd grown out of the horny phase, but I think maybe I was too stressed out to feel it. And,” she lowered her voice and scowled, pointing her finger at him, “do not use what I'm about to tell you to score points on Tyler. Seriously. This isn't a him thing; it's a me thing. It's private.”

He wrapped his hand around her finger and leaned closer, amused, but somber. “I promise.”

“The last couple of times Tyler and I were together, I couldn't…get there. It wasn't his fault. He did all the normal stuff, but I couldn't stop thinking about Stefan and Damon and Elena, and how weird she was being, and if you were going to raze the town, because she'd been turned, even though you'd just tried to kill her yourself.”

“That long ago?” Klaus remarked in surprise. “I assumed you'd asked the Bennett witch for a way to cover the scent of him.”

“I didn't know a witch could do that. Plus, she’d already saved his life. I doubt I'd have asked for more, even if I'd known to. I don't like asking Bonnie for witchy stuff,” she confessed delicately, hoping he wouldn't push for details. It was far from her favorite topic.

“I'll admit,” he said, almost to himself, “it's a balm to my pride.”

She rolled her eyes. “If you weren't having me, at least no one was?”

“If you want to be crude about it, but it's nice to know I wasn't quite as much of a patsy as I'd assumed.” He leaned back, frowning in thought. “It's unusual, but you've always been a strange case. More human than most. Perhaps, your psychological needs override the physical effects of vampirism.”

“That…makes sense,” she said reluctantly. “The guy I met at the bar. He was hot. Funny. Seemed nice enough and I really did like him. We both knew where it was going, and I just,” she shrugged and felt oddly lost, “didn't want to do it. I wanted the sex, but not the guy. So, I was sitting there with him, calculating the number of drinks it would take before I would be able to go through with it. It was so many that, if he wasn't a complete creep, he wouldn't take home a normal person who was that drunk, because vampire tipsy is human wasted. Suddenly, it all seemed so stupid. Why was I forcing myself to not sleep with the person I actually want to sleep with? Because it's too soon? I don’t even miss Tyler, and Elena's fine with it. Sort of. She has too many other things to deal with, anyway. Who I hang out with is pretty low on her list of things to be upset about.”

Caroline took a breath and looked at Klaus. His mouth was open as though he was about to speak, but he just sat there and stared at her.

“Klaus?"

"I'm attempting to unravel that."

Caroline made a helpless, little noise and slumped over like a marionette with the strings cut. She rested her forehead on her knees and wished she could rewind the whole night back to the beginning. He shifted, leaning into her, and cautiously placed the palm of his hand against her back. He felt like a hot water bottle through the thin fabric of her dress.

"Sweetheart," he cajoled, like she was a spooked animal that needed sweet-talking.

She shook her head and refused to sit up. "Can we just pretend this never happened?"

"No," he hung on the word, "I don't think we can. Believe it or not, you can be difficult to read."

She scoffed. He ran his hand up until he hit the bare skin of her upper back, and she unashamedly arched into him, encouraging the warmth of it up her neck and into her hair. When she'd been human, her scalp used to ache from stress. It wasn't possible to feel pain like that as a vampire, but the memory of it stayed with her. Sometimes, she still felt the phantom of it.

"Months ago," he began, rubbing hesitant fingers against the base of her skull, "when things were very difficult, I had a one night stand. I was only just beginning to realize how much of a mistake the search for the cure had been. My great plans of a mighty hybrid army, as well. My family was halfway to destroyed. And you...well, as they say, hindsight is 20/20, and I'd made a number of missteps in my pursuit of you. I'd been drinking, and I've always used sex as a source of comfort, amongst other things"

"I get that," she mumbled.

His fingers paused from working at the muscles around her skull. He cupped the back of her neck, stroking his thumb along the side. The span of his hand covered most of the circumference. It should have been unnerving, but there was something soothing about knowing how easily he could hurt her, but wouldn't.

"Thank you," he said as quietly as she'd spoken, and combed his fingers through her hair, careful of any snarls. "Only, I woke the next morning, hungover and more miserable than ever. Blood cleared away the cobwebs, but I remained as unhappy as I'd been the day before. I realized my previous methods of regulating my temper, my darker moods, would no longer be as effective, when what I needed was your forgiveness and to regain your good favor."

"You did pretty well. I usually hold onto a grudge tighter than that."

"Yes, being pathetic worked wonders. It wasn't particularly enjoyable, but silver linings."

Caroline sat up abruptly. Luckily, Klaus's reflexes allowed him to avoid getting bashed in the chin.

"Is that why you came back here? You could have gone anywhere." There were a thousand places Caroline would have traveled to, rather than staying in Mystic Falls, and Klaus was the one who carved that idea, the thrill of new lands and people, into her heart. She'd never given much thought to leaving the state of Virginia. Away was a place other people went, but now she couldn't help thinking of the travel shows she'd started watching and the lists of top ten whatevers she'd found online. "Like, I don't know. Greece, Argentina, Bali."

"I don't care for islands, and the witches in Greece are even more of a pain in the ass than usual. Argentina is quite scenic," he considered thoughtfully. "They have lovely horses. We'll go someday."

"You don't like islands? But you were on one a month ago and liked it fine."

"American islands hardly count; they're so close to the mainland. I once had to swim from an island in the North Atlantic to Morocco and make my way back to Spain from there. Made me lose my taste for adventuring for a century or so."

It had probably been awful, but she imagined Klaus dressed like Jack Sparrow, sucking on sharks for weeks and couldn't help laughing. "Fine. Rebekah can be my island travel buddy."

That made him laugh. "You are gravely mistaken if you think I'm allowing that to happen. Imagine what trouble the two of you would stir up."

"So, you came back here to," she drawled leadingly, "supervise me?"

He flopped back down against the arm of the couch with a gusty sigh. "You are the single most difficult woman I've ever met."

"I'm taking that as a compliment."

"I meant it as one," he replied, and then muttered, "God help me."

[apperception]

Grasping for a new type of relationship

Three years into non-monogamy and I’m still falling into old patterns; reminiscing and yearning for the boredom and frustration of monogamy, rather than the free-floating anxiety of freedom.

I thought being non-monogamous would be the best way to undo my old rancid patterns, to cut me free of my over reliance on others, my hunger for a parent-like partner who cares for me like a child - unconditionally - but still finds me wildly fuckable.

And in realising that I have once again fallen into this old groove - wanting my partner to care for me, be my backbone, make my decisions for me, be there for me 24/7, or at the very least when I want them to be there for me - to lick me when I want, to cradle me when I want it, to be in the mood I want them to be in - I recoil, realising that they are their own separate person and I do not own them and cannot control them. And in realising that they cause me stress, perhaps more stress than the pleasures of the relationship are worth, I withdraw, imagining breaking up with them, carving out a new kind of life (but yes, a life with a different partner — not alone). Thinking of this is already a kind of liberation. In the morning, or late in the evening, when I am anxiously waiting on a text from them, I think: but just imagine, to be free of this anxiety you could break up with them. Instead of being anxious, you could be sad about this gaping loss, this loss of ALL texts. And so, waiting for a text or not being texted at all times when I want to be, seems preferable to breaking up, and then somehow I am not as anxious any more, and I am able to sit back and get back to my own life. *This is preferable to nothing,* I can tell myself.

And that’s either a very depressing message - accept the scraps you are given - or it’s a realistic one, and one I have to learn in every single relationship I’m in, realising that they have a life beyond me (just as I do them, and should have more of). Stop waiting on their texts and get on with your life. Be appreciative of what they do offer and stop wanting ever more, more, more - wanting them to always be exactly what you need in that moment.

Because the partner and life I fantasise about wouldn’t be always there for me either. That partner would also have a job, and they would be out. And if we lived together we’d be stuck arguing about the dishes and I would want more quiet time to read and write and stretch and do things along, without them being around all the time. And I’d be exactly back in the same situation that made me yearn for freedom and independence.

And so I oscillate. It’s the tension between freedom and security, being the creator of your own life or being able to depend on a stable presence at all times. The former feels scary; the latter feels like reverting to a childlike state.

And I often fantasise about other couples I see, the ones with ‘good’ relationships, the ones where the woman (my avatar) can lean on her partner, where they are her rock, where their embrace dissolves her pain and frustration and stress, where they are her refuge, a salve, a balm.

I had partners like that; partners whose very smell was soothing, whose hugs could cure all ills, with whom I felt an animal sense of safety with.

But they were boring. They didn’t go out, or they’d spend days on the sofa, or they’d be too shy with friends and others, or too insecure to send off a job application, and I’d end up doing their admin and managing their life relationships for them. I’d go out by myself, but they would disapprove of my activism, my radical activities, my going breakdancing too late at night. They’d lie depressed on the sofa while I went out dancing, being tempted by a new friend who promised excitement (and with whom I’d eventually cheat).

And so I wanted to try a different kind of relationship. One based on adventure, and fun, and sexual freedom. Where we could fuck other people, sometimes in front of each other, sometimes separately. Where we live in different cities and never aspire to live together, where we can go on holiday with different people, where we see our friends separately and live separate lives. Where we go out dancing and to museums and the cinema and we feed off the fizz of the other one’s energy.

But you can’t always be out, and excited, and running at full pelt. At some point you need slowness and stability and care. You need softness and affection and cuddles on the sofa. You need both, and which are you going to choose? Because so far, in the partners you’ve had, you’ve had one or the other, but not both.

What was the dream? What was I aiming for?

A queer non-monogamous life — in which I rely on myself, but have a revolving coterie of partners, lovers and friends to fulfil my needs - in which I don’t *need* anyone? Or perhaps I need lots of people, but I’m distributing those needs? Or perhaps I’m getting used to being alone and focusing on my craft and my art, and instead of leaning on the illusion of an eternally-there monogamous partner who is loyal (because they signed a piece of paper saying they would be)… I rely on someone who *chooses* to be there, but that means that they sometimes might not be? Accepting freedom instead of stability is a hard deal indeed.

[copyrightcreep]

You know the drill, all of the questions >:)

alright you evil critter. time to do the typing.

who is/are your comfort character(s)? Astarion and Karlach from bg3. space core from portal 2. Alex Danvers from supergirl. Luz and Vee from The Owl house.

lighter or matches? matches

do you leave the window open at night? sometimes. but usually, yes.

which cryptyd being do you believe in? werewolves and skinwalkers

what color are your eyes? mixture of green, blue/grey and brown

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies? hair ties

how many water bottles are in your room right now? 2. one i use for work and one for when i'm at home.

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee? hot coffee in the morning, ice coffee when relaxing

would you slaughter the rich? with much glee and different ways to do so yes.

favorite extracurricular activity? biking and people watching!

what kind of day is it? murder on the brain, pain in the limbs kinda day

when was the last time you ate? an actual meal? at 10 am. is 2 pm now.

do you love the smell of earth after it rains? yes.

are you a parent? (all answers qualify) of a bunny called Mochi. but not of human kids no.

can you drive? n o p e aha.

are you farsighted or nearsighted? near-sighted

what hair products do you use? shampoo, conditioner and a hair mask.

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails? if you asked. absolutely.

do you say soda or pop? f r i s d r a n k but soda in english

something you’ve kept since childhood? trauma. uh i mean. a stuffed animal i got since birth. his name is Mousey.

what type of person are you? i act very indifferent at 1st but i will flipping do anything if you get my trust. and i will share everything when safe.

how do you feel about chilly weather? love it. i can't feel cold all that well so i thrive in winter months.

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? i'd bring snacks and a nice fluffy blanket maybe a picknick. talk and eat until night and then stargaze all night

perfume/body spray or lotion? body spray

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times? a lotta stuff. but i'll go with my mom's death since it's most recently been on my mind.

about how many hours of sleep did you get? uh. like 6?

do you wear a mask? during covid, yes. regularly? not unless it's required for work.

how do you like your shower water? a lil shy of burning my skin off

is there dishes in your room? yepp. kinda always are

what type of music keeps you grounded? 2 types. emotional stuff i relate to. and vibey music.

do you have a favorite towel? yes, it's a white one with rainbow squares. i love it!!

the last adventure you’ve been on? probs when i was a kid running trough the forest with my siblings.

is there a song you know every word to by heart? oh boy do i. nearly every song from icon for hire, smash into pieces and a bunch from Florence + the machine

what’s your timezone? CE(S)T. the S is for Summertime

how many times have you changed your url? nada on this blog haha

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years? no one i actively speak to. but @stephlastname comes the closest with like 7 years.

a soap bar that smells good? bars of soap elude me.

do you use lip balm? i should. but i don't

did you have any snacks today? had some chocolate snacks.

how do you take your coffee? 2 zoetjes or 1 packet of sugar and 2 milk.

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site? whatsapp and discord

what’s your take on spicy foods? occasionally very good. but my childhood makes it rough to enjoy them.

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it? Past: Hitler, Present: Putin, Personal: an old teacher who didn't 'believe' in adhd.

can you remember what happened yesterday? sorta, feels like walking trough mud to remember.

favorite holiday film? the 1st home alone

what was the last message you sent? dang right i want to!!

when did you first try an alcohol beverage? oh jeez. i tried wine when i was like 7 or 8. beer around the same time. somebody gave me a bunch of vodka when i was 17. i almost forgot the time where my mom let me drink a whole glass of bacardi cola when i was 9

can you skip rocks? NOPE. i flipping suck haha

can i tag you in random stuff? absolutely and please do!!

thanks for the askkkkkk

[templesofdelight]

Who am I? I ask you… This foreign being In my clothes In my shoes

I was once innocent, naïve My days spent amongst the fallen leaves Playing with the fragments of my mind

Dancing shadows, incorporeal The ghasts that I considered real Friends and invited to my games All crippled, wrong, and all broken, lame I gifted names on their wings Freedom, Light, Hate and Fear My shadows, my friends My ethereal companions

These games were primal, regressive, pure A sort of state that one could not fear One that shattered as often as it mended It healed in day, it reveled at dawn Left cracks behind in days long gone

In these games, a certain formula would appear The angels, the shadows, all huddled in fear Awaiting some strange premonition Spoken by an artificial leer

And I was the tiger, the wolf, the deer The animal nature that lingered there So I ran within my head In games of claws, and so I said:

“You, my warriors- You, my faith You, my creatures, You, my race Run beside me forever more Never leave, never stop, never moan nor roar For leagues we’ll dash, settle and roam To meet our fate and say hello To meet what things we’ve grown to loathe

Follow me, climb the trees Cross the cliffs, split your knees I am master of your will I am keeper, man, and till Prepare your lives Give them to me Give naught to nothing, no thing I see Give yourselves to be with me Speak no lies, spread no truth Do not to others what is not done to you…”

And as soon spoken these words were The games faded, lost all allure The creatures forged in solitude Became dull, lifeless, crude All once wild became tame All my visions had a name A purpose, a class All concealed in panes of glass I understood my life And it understood mine

I sought a way to drive it out This knowledge that I had found Reaching for blank promises Under stilted skies The shadows knew, gave sleepless nights Pondering being, meaning, light And only music drowned their cries Only daylight purged my eyes Of the daemons in my sleep Reaching for others to keep Tucked within their fiery glow Reaching to reap what I sowed And so I went to other minds Making other lives mine I adapted, I changed I gave myself pain To harness emotion To change my ways

But only to find I no longer knew what it meant To feel

To know What feeling was How am I? How was your day? Answers came, just to escape

So I forged waking dreams Identities and lives To harness what the shadows gave To emulate what shadows take Drowned in knowledge, faith, opinion The truth faltered and died

I tried to trap them on the page A world from which no-one escapes But they laughed and took my mind Took my skill, my passion, my time

And so I moved Away from life My connections blurred My letters awkward Friends that I had once made Seemed to be inferior minds The shadows did not lurk in theirs Only lurked in mine Sadly reminiscing in the sand Tracing words I could not send Sitting, staring, distant friends Shed like skin and left to mend The patches that I had torn out When I cast them off my mount The shadows cried, the shades all gaped Moving house meant moving fate

They strained for a way to remind Me of suppressed wishes, to deny me access To portals that closed in my life Making a god to whom I’d sell my friends A limited existence, no more to list till I die And I thought I left them behind, Trapped in wood, in rust, in rhyme But as I gained an idle mind

They grasped my lies

Lies became me I became lies

The days moved on, days I did not behold A fury beggar, not rich nor poor in the cold Days of light, days of debts Days where dawn meant no sunsets I told my lies, what wise words I sought For them to become just jokes, minds who never thought Foolish to think I could protect what shadows cursed and wrought

My mind bent, flexed and straught In a display of running tempers A solution to my failing days A balm for my dying mates Easily brought to rage Easily forced to age Into rigid futures

Creeping through the spirits I raised I scrabbled, groped, my face ablaze In fury, sorrow, guilt, shame Desperate measures, idle times In dark forsaken lives

Running moons, slick ground Listening to televised sounds Realities parted at the seams Moon and grass, dew and dreams Slinking through another’s field As the wolf I was could not heal Become a man, a brick-caged den Release my nature in the eyes Of those who tempted orders beyond their ken A cloth garrote, a crate of meat A sickening stench that was me

Fleeing from the debris The shelled flotsam lost at sea Hiding faces in the stream

Shrapnel flies and hits the wall Crying voices cease their call Buried in feathers that fall From the wings of angels

Meet my fate and save my date A memory of lost days Seek my childhood, seconds late To save my early ways

And I fell, fell to dust From ashes sprang earthly lust Created for lying, a day born anew A replacement for science, another for you Coming in landing, dying in blue Screaming in mansions, in figurative news

I picked my minds, I searched them through Only the traits I had I must choose But all I ended with were unmatched minds A patchwork of traits not mine

Another retooled to fit my face Another to add to my growing race Of carbon-copy supermen Over faceless masses I would stand Looking into souls I lent And trafficked for no payment

Often I waited, eons on end In the minds of men and sought Perfection, a goal left unreached Enticing, inciting, my gaze impeached By masses with torn soles and feet Left to look again and seek A new solution for the weak Looking for an answer Looking for a quest

I searched, I ran I groped and pined Waiting in an endless line Searching my mind For my memory, fleeting Rapt in beads of rime

And so all I gained Was sent to me here To sit and retain it And sit through the ages In paranoid fits of rage

Sometimes I could find release Cutting my bonds, my chain, my leash Trying to find that lost vestige That fabled being who once was me But when my true self came to be I was a deviant, a liar, a freak Nothing was left in society For the boy trapped inside me

The child who forged fantasy Under those distant, dripping trees Nothing left No-one for me A child grown Too quickly

So I buckled Fell to my knees And in that moment I became me

[ascendantevolution]

Moon Study and Ego Sublimation (Copy)

Oftentimes, when we are taking a good, hard look at ourselves, we speak of looking into the mirror, recognizing that we need to change, often through other people mirroring for us what needs to change within ourselves.

When I decided to stopped drinking, I found that I became a mirror for the many alcoholics who are too fragile to accept the truth of their situation. As a result, they dismissed me as the one with the problem. I got rejected a lot, and my friend group dwindled. In light of this example, while I love the mirror, I also wanted to smash it because it hurt all around. The mirror is not always the kindest source of learning. That being said, the mirror acts as a powerful catalyst that pushes us into honest reflection.

For me, Moon study has become an added source of support and growth when working in conjunction with the mirror. It offers a path beyond an initial shock of awareness. Moon study is a gentler way to intentionally work on those parts of myself that most need attention. While I am talking about harnessing the power of Moon ritual, let's analyze what the Moon offers as a metaphor.

Being that the Moon comes out at night, the Moon is associated with darkness. There are no mirrors. Instead of looking outward, the darkness requires us to sit with ourselves quietly, observing with senses other than physical sight. Eventually, with enough practice, we begin to see inward, which takes great courage because it is there that wounds and shadows have been hiding out while we've been distracting ourselves with the dramas of life.

These are the parts of ourselves that have been rejected by our community and by ourselves. These are the parts of ourselves that need attention, needing to be heard and honored. To hear and honor what needs healing in us. Discovering the source of our pain (the wound) means sitting with the pain, letting it pass through, and then embracing and integrating those parts of ourselves that have been dishonoured, shamed, or neglected. I have experienced this process many times now and can say that, as the pain welled up inside, working its way to the surface, it felt so overwhelming and threatening that I felt like I might literally die.

Why would anyone choose to put themselves through this?

My first thought after going through this process the first time was, “Wow, I survived it,” followed by a huge sigh of relief. That thought was immediately followed by the thing survivors build over time: feeling resilient. That amazing feeling empowered and motivated me to continue. I knew I was on the right path.

Integrating the lost pieces of ourselves leads to the feeling of growing wholeness, complete acceptance, and unconditional love for all that we are as humans. This process allows us to pull shame out by its roots and to use it as tinder to light the fires of creativity and motivation that will move us toward our life purposes.

To love yourself? To be so comfortable in your skin that other people's odd glances, judgmental comments, and ways of manipulation have no impact on you? Imagine attaining this kind of freedom.

Not only is it freedom, but it is what it means to be sovereign. To have complete sovereignty of ourselves in our lives without reference to anything or anyone else, to be guided by the Higher Self, to speak with authority, to be a champion, to change the world around us with unconditional love? We have a responsibility, not only to ourselves for our own peace and quality of life, but to those around us. People are suffering. Animals are suffering. Gaia is suffering. The state of our beings matters that much.

When Joseph Campbell outlined the hero's journey, he really didn't speak much to what happens to heroes that don’t make it through their journeys. Heroes do get stuck in the underworld. Some never get to finish their missions by slaying dragons and resurfacing to be the balm for their community. It is scary but true that heroes sometimes get lost in their journeys.

We are born with missions, but we are also given free will. We get to choose whether we show up as a coward hiding out in polarized dramas; whether we give in to the darkness that shows up to overtake us; or whether we emerge as heroes, beaten up and scarred, in our own stories and for those around us.

Our journey requires growth and resilience and overcoming increasingly large obstacles. Intentionally choosing most of our battles gives us an advantage in preparing for those battles that erupt out of seemingly nowhere. If we are practiced, skilled, and ready, we truly get to choose how we show up.

And, now I have made it back around to my point: Creating a spiritual course of study for ourselves empowers us on our journeys. I highly recommend Moon study as a part of any spiritual course.

Moon study creates a cyclical course of self-study through following and understanding the processes of the moon. New moon - new beginnings for goals. Waxing moon - growing intention and action around goals. Full moon - harvest of hard earned fruits. Waning moon - reflection and revision. Dark Moon - laying to rest what no longer serves, permanently.

It is a long but gentle process that demands patience and intention. By focusing on a particular wound or flaw or goal throughout the Moon's course, we gain amazing insights, gratitude, and empowerment. We are actively in the mix of learning and self-discovery, which adds to a growing appreciation of the self.

As I work through each Moon cycle, I gain an increasing understanding of the Moon's influence on me, literally. The Moon impacts life on this planet in an untold number of ways. Science says so (go research if you are in doubt).

I am gaining an ever-growing understanding that the Moon's pull on energies influences all energetic functioning affecting many aspects of my life. If it is doing the same for you and the guy down the street, then the moon is influencing all of us and how we impact each other. The more I study the moon and its energies, the more magical it feels to me because energies are pliable, and I can move with them, impact them, to a degree.

Opposed to "magic"? Please don't be. “Magic” as a word has come to be charged with negative meaning. What it signifies, however, is no different than a “Miracle.” Both point to a manifesting through prayer, which is just another way of moving with pliable energies, sending positive vibrations out into the Universe and then seeing evidence of them mixing with other energies, such as when a loved one is healed of an illness.

Through Moon cycles, my inner hero shows up, sword sheathed (most of the time) to talk business and wisdom. My inner hero grows and learns and trusts itself more than it ever has because she is actually beginning to do something no one else can truly do for her: believe in herself.

Belief in oneself on this level cannot be achieved with a bloated ego in tow. As we shed the pain and shame, the ego sublimates. When the ego sublimates, everyone - everything - wins.

Moon is showing me the way. With each cycle, I become transformed - a new version of me. I am set free yet again. I don't have to carry around heavy loads of guilt and shame anymore. If I choose it, I am always renewed, always growing, always transforming - by the light of the Moon.

I give thanks to Spirit, for my Higher Self, and for Moon and all of Her patient teaching.

Originally written in the Spring of 2021.

[mtnkat3]

8.09am.

Good morning.. my loves..... ?

My Bears . Angels . . . . .?

Peeking..

You . . . . .don't hate me?

I'm not a bad kat, terrible woman?

Chewing my lips. [Very chapped. With balm.]

I had a terrible night after got in bed at 1.25am then been waking since 5am, afraid you . . . . . hate me.

Afraid each piece of the puzzle isn't wanting to be part of the puzzle anymore.

That rips strips into my soul.

But I don't know what to do to make amends.

Other than the very big obvious.

And I realized that I need to go ahead & get a car. Because hog put the truck back into the shop. Basically, has now replaced entire coolant system. Has spent more than it's value, multiple times over.

But I am more valuable than that truck. Immensely.

Yes, I felt icy, buried in snow & struggling to break thru. But the difference between me & the adversary is my faith is in God. And my heart & soul aren't iced.

As the ice queen proved. She gave her life in the end to protect the children she had raised. Yes, she went about things wrong. But with her evil sibling treating her like a marionette it's amazing she still had a heart.

I seek refuge in the harbor, the alcove. Hidden & protected from the world.

And that's what I couldn't see yesterday?

That you . . . . .are to me as I long to be for you . . . . .

That the wood stores are being rebuilt? As too love.....?

I am listening quietly.

Yes, I want the deepest conversations with you . . . . . To share... everything. From good & happy to the pain & suffering & rejections I've felt throughout life. Yet I know we all do, we all have personal mountains to climb. I know I'm complex. That my insecurities are a pain in the butt. More for me than you . . . . .can possibly know. They annoy the crap outta me. I guess that's what being isolated & hidden away & made to feel worthless does. I have been a Tijgeress kat hidden under a bushel.. under a turtle shell. Only you . . . . . loving me as ever made me feel like coming out at all to show my candle. Only you . . . . .

I won't change whom I am. I won't become a drama queen diva expecting the world to cater to me. Not who I am. Makes me grimace! I am a calm woman by nature. Yes I love to laugh & play & have adventures. But I am calm. I love having animals gathered around me. Just.. me. Yes, I have a warrior queen spirit. But I loathe conflict.

💡that has been used against me. To control & manipulate me.

Thank You Jesus for showing me that.

And thank You God for Creating soul mates..... for me that are patient with teaching & guiding me. Even when you . . . . . have stuff going on too.

Which is what happened.

Blushing beet red bowing my head.

I felt that you . . . . . were having things happening & it snowballed.

Because I am helpless to help.

And that makes me beyond cranky pants. That has Tijgeress pulling on armor to defend & attack that which is hurting you . . . . . Yes, even me!!! How do I explain that duality of nature. I can't. And I'm not crazy either. Warrior queen & submissive woman. Not an easy nature.

Ok. Blushing beet red.

I feel exposed, raw, vulnerable.

And gotta get ready for counseling appt. And deal with hog. Because I have no car!

I just.. chewing my lips.

I love you . . . . . In the depths of me. In ways I can't explain.

I couldn't eat yesterday. I forced myself to have nuggets at wendy's. A couple of english muffins around 9pm so my meds wouldn't cause problems.

I just.. I don't wanna hurt you . . . . .

& I still feel like I have mending to do. But is it that can be done.. here? Or needs to happen in person..

Is the thought of me driving you . . . . .crazy🎶 can't live without your love. . . . .

[Lyrics are jumbled.]

Does the thought of me in your arms now so close... making you . . . . . growly Bears needing to drag me back to your cave to hibernate... & love?

Giggling softly behind me pawz.

I feel that too my loves.....oh how I do!

Ok. I'm cold. Need shower, food, meds.

I only wish it were that I was already in your. . . . . arms!!!!! And then maybe I wouldn't be cold! Br!

Ok. Zip it t!

I love & adore you . . . . .

Know that. Please?????

Chewing lips.

I work. Wait. And being as patient as I can because I believe wholeheartedly in my faith in God. And His Plans for us!

God, Your bowing head, humble, patient loving listening closely carefully quietly daughter.

Your complex quirky warrior queen daughter!

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. ✝️☸⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🤲🤓⛓🧰🌂🔗🦉🐐🐢🐛🌱🌳⌚⚡🌟🌠🗝🔱⚜💝🐻🦌🧩♠️♾🧭🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯

W.12.28.2022 9.17am est.

[erstwhilesparrow]

hm. i don't know if any of this is a NEW thought, but i'm gonna start writing and we'll see what becomes of it, i suppose!

this was originally spurred by me going, "wow, it is so so important to me that cleo spends so much of double life being scared." and then i was like, "okay, why. what's so important about that and also why are they being like that."

if you'll forgive reverse order, the second one first: because her soulmate isn't there! it's all right if you can see the shape of the skeleton firing arrows at you, or the fire filling up your vision; at least you know where that's coming from and how to stop it. with the soulbond mechanic, there is a direct line from someone else('s pain) to you, some kind of forced vulnerability that you can never make stop and through which there is always danger you can neither control nor predict. you see what i mean about an open wound? an injury that doesn't scar, that keeps dripping blood and won't let you forget it?

(side thought: pain. what does or does not get counted as pain, what pain is / is not [for] in a minecraft world vs a physical world. i don't have clearer thoughts than this but i really think someone ought to.)

so the instinctive animal response is to curl around the injury, to hide and growl and hunker down. (thought: cleo's red life bunker.) it's... a response to soulmates that both captures how i tend to feel about these things (there is no soulmate story that is not a horror story to me!!) and is so interestingly in tension with how soulmates are so often talked about, even in the game. that's your partner, that's your buddy, that's the one you were meant to be beside, that's... the thing you have to keep an eye on because if you can't you may find yourself in grave danger without warning or recourse.

(another side thought: reading cleo's choice of scott as not just "yes, that's my friend, let's stick with him" but also as a survival choice, as "yes, i need to have someone willingly on my side, who is good at this game and has no particular fondness for their soulbound partner," is fascinating. like with team rancher, i don't think it's calculated like that by either party, but i do think there could be something sharp or crunchy or sparkly in the convenience of cleo continuing to stick with scott.)

and the rest i think i've said already. i'm kind of obsessed with the image this creates of cleo as someone who was fine before, who has now had something taken from them, because now they have an other half to consider at all. for soulmates to exist, they have to be missing pieces that the other person is meant to fill. for your soulmate to be a balm, there first has to be a wound, right?

okay. soulmates as open wounds. soulmates as thing imposed on you, as the tearing apart of a piece of you. "your soulmate makes you whole" vs imagery of something that was originally whole being gravely wounded. need to reconsider in the morning if this is anything.

[neonacity]

ARCANE | CH.13 | NCT DREAM X READER | END

Summary: When you decided to apply for a researcher post in an elusive institute, you already had the feeling that you’ll be getting yourself knee-deep into something out of the ordinary. But desperate needs require desperate measures, and so you embraced the invite, despite all the alarm signals urging you to run away. What you found out was nothing you’d ever expected.

Seven boys.

Seven human deviants granted with abilities tied to the legendary Arcana Cards.

Welcome to Project Dream.

Pairing: Various Dream Members x Reader

Trigger Warnings/Themes: violence, torture, trauma, very slight yandere themes, poly dynamics, suggestive themes, language, psychological, mystery, sci-fi. Romance will take a little bit of a backseat on this one since this is more of a suspense-driven plot, but it will still be threaded in the overall story. The concept of the tarot or Arcana cards will be loosely used throughout the series. Note that I am not a trained doctor so there may be some slips here and there about medical things. Again, this is a work of fiction and I am not implying any likeness between the characterization here of the boys to their real life counterparts. I also reserve the rights to all my work—I do not post anywhere else other than tumblr. Minors DNI.

> CH. 1 | CH. 2 | CH.3 | CH.4 | CH.5 | CH.6 | CH.7 | CH.8 | CH.9 | CH.10 | CH.11 | CH.12

Chapter Songs: You Should See Me In A Crown > Billie Eilish | Castle > Halsey | Super Villain  > Stileto | God Sent Me As Karma > Emlyn | Animal > Aurora

"Love? Look at me."

The soothing voice of someone brushed over the edges of your thoughts. The tone was soft and gentle, a warm balm into the otherwise still darkness that seems to be cloaking you under a veil. It whispered other things to you—words you didn’t catch the most of as they dipped here and there like a broken record. Other voices weaved together with the calming hum, all sounding distant and senseless, with you only catching fragments of the conversation here and there.

"...she hurt?"

"Vitals… okay…"

"She's in shock—can't hear… us,"

"Panic attack—"

"Jaemin, do something."

"Darling. You're okay."

That last phrase punctured through your thoughts and reeled you back in almost forcefully. All of a sudden you could hear and feel again as heaving sounds pressed against your ears. Sharp needles of pain suddenly shot up in your chest and you blinked, confused, as your sight came into focus. Jaemin's face leaned closer to yours as he reached out a hand to cup your cheek. The feel of his skin against yours made you realize that you were shaking, and that it was you who was making the gasping noises as you choked on air.

"Shh… Focus on me."

You stared at him wordlessly as you felt the sound of his voice almost physically wrap around you. It was a stark contrast to the confusing churn of emotions twisting in your chest, and it took you a moment to finally realize that he was pushing back against your meltdown with his ability. Slowly, you closed your eyes to submit and let him in. He obviously felt the change, because the artificial calm finally broke through your mental boundaries the moment you stopped resisting.

"Good girl… It's okay… You're okay."

Your shaking had gradually stopped all except for your fingers which, you realized upon opening your eyes again, were wrapped around the wrist of his hand still holding your face. Gently, you felt him move his thumb under your eye to wipe the tears brimming there.

"Papa… They have him."

The voice that came out of you didn't even sound like it was yours, but you still pushed out the first thing that your mind locked on as soon as the worst of your mental blackout had cleared. Jaemin's eyes slightly widened, surprised, before his brows furrowed in concern. Slight movements beside him finally made you look up. You have no idea how you got back to the bunker after that face off with Haneul, but the rest of the boys are huddled over you now, wearing similar expressions.

"Jeno too. They're—they're hurting both of them—"

Your voice broke as flashes of both scenes came rushing back to you. You folded on your seat as soon as they came, your arms going around yourself as the rest of Haneul's words came slamming against you like waves again. You barely felt the arm resting on your back, rubbing gentle circles on it, until you heard Renjun's voice beside you.

"Hey. Don't push yourself too hard. Tell us everything at your own pace and—"

"Who is IL Matto?"

Your question quickly cut him off. You didn't even need to look up to notice the shift in the room the moment the words left you. All of a sudden the air felt thick with tension as everyone froze. You looked up slowly, your gaze clashing with Mark's.

"Is she the girl you love? The one behind all of this?"

He didn't answer, but the look on his face was enough of the confirmation that you need. A knot started twisting and tightening in your stomach.

"They're after her. Haneul Lee… he wants her. They are about to start the last phase of their experiments with a new project—Project Vision and she's their subject."

If the room seemed tense earlier, then the choking silence has definitely escalated now to a new level. Everyone has gone so still that you could almost swear they’ve collectively stopped breathing. Renjun was the first one who broke the silence, his voice laced with an undercurrent of barely concealed fear when he spoke.

"What do you mean? Haneul knows who she is?"

You shook your head slightly.

"I don't know. But he did give orders to look for her after they—after they're done with whatever it is that they are doing with Jeno. He said he is going to hunt her down."

You were so focused on trying to recollect Haneul's exact words that you didn't even notice Mark crossing the distance to where you are. He had gone so still earlier that you gasped in surprise when you felt him suddenly grasp your wrist. His hold was tight, mirroring the desperation in his eyes.

"Does he know what she can do?"

You were shocked. You've never seen him act this way before.

"N-No… He didn't say anything. But he knows my mother and how she," you stopped, suddenly finding it hard to work through the tight lump in your throat. "How she was the former IL Matto. Haneul knew them. My parents."

You saw how the rest of the boys exchanged glances in your peripheral vision. Jaemin reached out to you silently again, this time weaving his fingers through yours. His warmth clashed with the cold that’s slowly seeping to the rest of your limbs.

"If he is after her… and he knows the Headmaster from before, then he might have an idea…" Haechan said, his voice thin. He exchanged a look with Renjun from over your head.

"Is there something else he told you?" Jaemin carefully asked now, probably in an effort to reel you back from the oncoming panic attack that he can feel from you again. You tried to focus on the sound of his voice to ground yourself.

"Kun… wanted me to join them. Haneul gave me eight hours to think about it."

Your words hung thick in the air. Chenle, who had been quiet from the start, finally broke his silence.

"They're going to kill us… In eight hours."

Nobody spoke. Nobody even dared react, knowing he was telling the truth.

"We have to get out of here…" Jisung said, eyes moving towards the others. You, however, turned your attention to Mark again.

"What can she do? IL Matto? Why do you think they want her?"

The boy in question didn't seem to want to answer at first. Though he has already let go of you after his whir of the moment reaction, you noticed the undercurrent of unexplained tension still buzzing around him. It was almost out of character for his usual personality that seems to always be in control of things. It took you a moment to read it, but when Mark finally met your gaze, the realization hit you hard.

He isn't afraid for himself and the prospect of dying. He isn't even afraid for his friends.

He is terrified… for her.

"IL Matto can change the nature of Arcana powers," he started slowly, eyes steady on yours. "Unlike the former mistress of the Arcana, your mother, she cannot possess the abilities of other masters. But she can magnify their Arcanas to levels that we cannot manage to do ourselves."

Your eyes widened. Renjun continued on beside you.

"Ability Amplification is how we call it. Arcana holders like us have limitations because we are still only human vessels given temporary mastery of these abilities. She can change it if she wills to, by unlocking ranges that taps to the real Arcana source."

Everything was falling into place. Your gaze started going out of focus as the realizations started coming one by one.

"Haneul and the machine he made can only copy abilities for a limited amount of time," you whispered, more to yourself than anyone else. "That's why she is the last phase of the project. Her Arcana will extend all the abilities they have copied so far and…"

"And will let him create exact, if not more powerful clones of us," Haechan finished grimly.

"We have to get to her," Mark's words made all of you turn towards him. There was a set look on his face that made a foreboding feeling start to grow in the pit of your stomach. "No matter what happens, we can't let Cypher get their hands on IL Matto."

You couldn't put your finger on it, but something about the way he said that made the knots of anxiety in your chest wound tighter. Before you even realized what you were doing, you were grabbing at his hand and gripping it tight. Your gaze sought for his, begging for his promise.

"Please. If we are going to leave, save my father too. With Jeno."

The way that he immediately didn't answer made your desperation grow.

"Mark," you whispered. "You promised…"

A shadow of something clouded over his eyes for a quick second. Before you could even process what it is, you felt gentle hands grab you by the shoulders again and pull you back to your seat.

"Hey… try to relax…" Jaemin said as he tried to soothe you.

"Mark—"

"I promise," the boy finally said, his words resting thickly in the tensed silence. You stared straight at his eyes, willing to see if he meant it, but you couldn't easily read him for once. A few more seconds passed before you finally allowed yourself to loosen your stance.

"You should try and rest. We'll… come up with something," Renjun took your hand and gave it a gentle tug. "We’ll talk again after. Do you want to lie down? I'll sit with you."

It took you a moment before you managed to give a small nod. With your response, Renjun finally stood up and guided you to do the same. You did, letting him steer you towards the direction of the bunkers after. You felt so drained and tired that you didn't even notice the loaded glance he exchanged with the rest of the boys before you both detached yourself from the group.

"Hyung… What do we do?" Jisung whispered in the silence that you and Renjun left when your pair finally disappeared at the other end of the room. Mark didn't immediately reply, wearing an expression that also sat in Jaemin and Haechan's faces. Everyone seemed to know what the answer is, but nobody wanted to say it out loud.

"We'll have to get Jeno and the Headmaster before we leave this place."

"How? We don't even know where they are," Chenle asked next.

"We'll follow the plan she talked to us about before. I think it might work."

"And if it doesn't? What if we run out of time?" Haechan finally asked the pressing question everyone wished they could jump over. Mark's jaw ticked, but he looked up after a while to give each boy a pointed glance.

"Then we leave this place with or without them…"

"No matter what happens, we choose IL Matto over everyone else."

*******

"Sir, the chambers are ready."

Kun didn't budge despite the notice fed to him on his earpiece. His eyes were set on a spot by the wall, face emotionless as he slowly turned over the mask he was holding in his hand. It was just an hour or two before the sun would rise outside, and yet the air clinging in the corridor was as grim and cold as the darkest of twilight. His fingers ran now on the plastic edges of the straps before he slowly raised them to press a button on his in-ear. 

"We're sure all air chambers are sealed shut?"

"Yes, sir."

"Any movements inside?"

"The heat sensors show nothing. They're all sleeping."

He didn't say anything else after that. Silently, he turned towards the dozen or  so men standing on alert beside him. Just like him, the crew was wearing thick hazmat suits and gas masks, with guns resting heavy on their hands. He nodded now towards the one closest to him—the chief of guard, though he made sure the rest of his words were clear enough to be heard by the rest of the group when he spoke.

"Try to move as silently as you can when you go inside. We don't want to wake up any of them. All seven of you who have the gas cans, make sure to throw them in the right direction. The poison is fast acting and will only take 15 seconds at most to work. The rest of you, don't move until I say so. We want to keep this as clean as possible."

The group gave a collective nod towards his orders. Kun finally moved to put on his own gas mask and pulled a small monitor from his pocket after—a handheld device showing what looked like a heat radar checker. Seven red dots were clustered on one of its sides, unmoving. He gave it one last check before finally nodding towards the small army behind him.

"Let's go."

Their unit moved like a shadow towards the metal doors of the bunker. With a set stare, he waited for the entrance to open in almost painful silence. The room was dark when the doors finally parted, but that didn't stop the trained men from slipping inside, silent like ghosts. Kun brought the rear of the group, making sure each one was in their right position before he walked over and raised his hand. The tension was palpable as the wards waited for his go signal. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. His own heartbeat felt slow in his chest, as if death was after him itself.

Finally, he brought his hand down in one quick, smooth motion.

The sequence of the next actions that followed were quick and measured. Seven of the masked men moved forward, each holding a steel cylindrical container in both hands. The remaining men behind Kun raised their high-powered rifles in synchrony, the ends aimed at the direction of the beds. One by one, the men armed with the poison cans pressed the release button on the cylinders before letting them roll towards the same side of the room.

For a moment nothing moved in the silence. After a few seconds, however, thick white fumes started bursting from the canisters and quickly covered the room with smoke. Slight rustling can be heard from the direction of the beds as the sleeping occupants seemed to have finally realized what was happening. Soon enough, the noises were punctured with sounds of coughing, groans, and shouts as if people were struggling and trying to flail around.

"Nobody move until I say so."

Everyone in the room stayed still and followed his orders despite the ruckus. The smoke was so thick that Kun could barely see two feet from where he was standing and he waited for the fumes to disperse before making another move. After almost half a minute of painful waiting, the room finally cleared up a bit just as the struggling noises quieted down. His eyes fell on the small monitor on his hand, now dead of the seven traces of light from earlier.

"Control room, all heat sources are out. Can you confirm?"

A slight crackling sound from his earpiece followed after a beat of silence.

"Confirming zero feedback from the heat map. We need to have visual evidence of the bodies though."

At that, Kun slipped the device back to his pocket before finally taking a step deeper into the room. Silently, he moved past the vanguards who set off the poison gas, straight towards the end of the room. Splayed motionlessly on the beds and the floor next to them are seven figures—six boys and a girl.

He stopped next to the two bodies closest to him now, their faces partly covered by the way they fell on the floor. Kun swallowed back the uncomfortable feeling sitting at his tongue as he knelt in front of the one nearer him to turn its face up carefully…

He locked gazes with the glassy, bloodshot eyes of Haechan. The boy’s lips were slightly parted as if he froze in the middle of taking a deep breath. A small trail of foam trickled from the side of his mouth, the same one that you could also see now upon closer inspection of the girl lying down beside him. Half of her body was covered by the boy, as if in a protective stance, but there’s no mistaking the face of his former partner now, cold and frozen with death. 

His stomach turned. Without saying another word, he leaned over and pressed a finger to the side of the boy's neck.

"No pulse for Patient 01. 00 is showing the same signs of death," he said almost emotionlessly to his earpiece. "I’m sending feedback from my body camera. You can check for the visual."

A few soft clicks that only he could hear took over on the line. After a couple of seconds, the voice spoke again, this time with finality.

"Confirming time of death of 01 and 00. Check the others, and then we can move the bodies out of the room."

Kun didn't waste another second to pick himself up from his crouch. He gave a nod towards the men closest to him, who then moved forward to do exactly what the voice ordered. Finally, he motioned at the remaining group still waiting near the entrance with their guns.

"Help them with the corpses. We need to transport them to the morgue as soon as possible."

Without another glance back at the scene, he went out of the room to leave the others to take care of the mess. The moment that he was within safe distance, he immediately pulled his mask off and took a deep breath. Cold sweat stained the collar of his protective suit and he leaned towards the nearest wall, eyes closing as he tried to push back the nausea that was in danger of overcoming him. His head was spinning… and he was sure it wasn't because of the effects of the toxic gas.

He was still in the middle of trying to collect himself when a slight buzzing sound in his earpiece sounded again. At first he wanted to ignore it, having already provided the information the control room needed, but then the next voice that came on made him open his eyes again in surprise.

"Dr. Qian. Is it done?" Haneul Lee's low, steady tone asked.

Kun straightened himself and quickly tried to breathe in to keep his voice steady before answering.

"Yes, sir. The effect of the poison fumes was instant."

A pause.

"And the girl?"

Kun took seconds to answer.

"She's also dead, sir."

Silence followed his words. Just when he thought the man dropped the call, he spoke again.

"Transport the bodies to the cremation room instead. We'll burn them in one batch."

Kun couldn't have felt more thankful that the man can't see his expression at the moment.

"How about Lee Jeno?"

"We'll use another way. He might not be killed just as easily. I'll personally arrange something else for him."

Kun didn't know what that meant, but he was sure it wasn't anything good. Before he could even do or say anything else, the other was already closing off the conversation with his last words.

"I need you to update the system about the new developments. Move all the files to the right vaults and inform the network,"

"That Project Dream is over."

******* The man was the picture of stillness as he kept his gaze on the feedback on the screen. His private office was dark, with the only light coming from the monitors casting shadows over his features. Haneul Lee almost looked like a statue as he remained set on his seat, his usually sharp eyes now staring off blankly as he watched guards move out on the live video he was watching. A parade of seven body bags were being carried off by the group, all bound tightly to keep the poison clinging from their corpses sealed.

His gaze focused now on the last bag on the line which looks significantly smaller and lighter than the rest. As he stared at it, his thumb unconsciously ran over the face of the ornate-looking pocket watch in his hand. His fingers felt the groove of the pattern etched on its cover—an elaborate pattern reminiscent of the beauty of snowflakes.

"You'll be the godfather of my little princess, yes?"

Her voice sounded so alive to his ears still that it almost felt like she was just there, standing beside him again. He could perfectly see her smile in his mind's eye, the way her eyes crinkled at the side as they danced with happiness. In that slip of a moment, he wasn't sitting in his office anymore, but back in the old halls of Rosewood that he used to call his second home.

"Of course, he is. He's the only one we can trust to take care of her if ever something bad happens to us," a new voice, a baritone this time, joined in the conversation. The words echoed in his head as if someone shouted them at him. They were so clear… and so distinct, that he felt like he only needed to turn his head to the side to see his former best friend exchange a loving look with his wife.

His thumb stopped moving over the pocket watch now as he started feeling the memories start to get the most of him. He has always hated the way they come back to him in the most inconvenient of times, making him remember what once was and what will never be again in haunting flashes. Without even realizing it, his hold on the watch on his hand tightened, its edges digging against his skin. 

The flow of his thoughts only came to a halt when he saw the group he was watching finally stop in front of a pair of heavy-duty doors from his monitor. Willing himself to refocus, he pressed a button on his keyboard which quickly changed the view that he was seeing. From its former view from the outside, the screen now showed a wide capture of the room beyond the security door. He waited for the gates to open and watched closely as the guards hauled the body bags on the steel beds taking up the space of the area. With deathly stillness, he followed the movements of the man at the head of the group who reached out to the bag closest to him. He opened the seal and parted it… showing the pale and almost exact copy of the face of the woman in his memories just minutes prior. 

This time, he actually felt his heart stop for a moment. The words came rushing back again—the smiles, the memories, and then the promises.

He killed her. The daughter of the only woman she ever loved. The child he promised to protect at one point in time, before fate messed everything up.

"Darling. We're done with the boy."

The sound of a cold, lilting voice from the doorway of his office made Haneul tear his eyes away from the screen. Leaning on the threshold, arms crossed over her chest and looking like a beautiful ghostly vision against the brighter hallway, was Miyoung Lee.

His wife's piercing gaze finally cut through his thoughts. His face might not have given them away, but he knew, with the woman's piercing gaze, that she could pick up something. With practiced calm, he reigned in himself, stowing away the watch he had been holding into his coat pocket.

"Collection is over?" He smoothly asked in an almost emotionless tone. Miyoung barely moved from her spot, eyes still set on him.

"Mm. We're merging his Arcana with the others."

"And the boy's status?"

"Incredibly weak. If you're going to kill him, now is the best time to do it."

The way she said that lacked any traces of warmth and empathy. Miyoung’s inflection alone would be enough to send someone on their knees in fear, but for him, it was exactly what he needed to hear so he could finish the last thing he needed to do for the night. Silently, he picked himself up from his seat and put on his coat again. The warmth of the wayward memories that caught up with him was still buzzing at the back of his mind, but he consciously pushed them back now, latching on instead in the cold indifference his wife offered.  

"I'll take care of him. You better go to IL Giudizio. Make sure that he is ready for the assimilation."

"Are the rest dead?"

Haneul froze just a little bit just as he stepped back from his table. Miyoung was still looking at him with her penetrating gaze, though there was now a different fire burning subtly behind them. He stared back at her, looking disinterested.

"Yes. They are."

"And the girl?"

He paused. The woman slightly leaned her head to the side, her expression unreadable.

"She’s gone too."

It took a couple of seconds before any of them moved. It was like a silent war between the two of them, one that is loaded with meaning even without the need for any words. None of them wanted to give way and back down first, until finally, Miyoung broke the rising tension with a slow smile. Her eyes, once smouldering, now danced with glee.

"That's good news. If that's the case, then we can wrap this up."

Haneul didn't say anything else. His wife finally straightened up from leaning by the door, an obvious sign that she was finally satisfied with his answer. He was about to take his leave as well when he gave one last glance to his monitor. It was supposed to be a fleeting last look, but he suddenly paused when he caught something out of place there.

All seven body bags are open now, showing a glimpse of the faces inside of them. Instead of the kids he know, however, the lifeless bodies that reflected on the screen were that of strangers—men he assumed were part of the vanguard that did the silent assassination from earlier based on the peek of the blue protective suit peeking under their body bags. He looked up just in time at the guards standing over the corpses to catch one of them removing his mask.

The stranger stared straight at him from the camera as his features shifted and changed. Haneul caught up on what was happening just before the moment the transformation was complete.

Zhong Chenle smirked straight at him from the camera just as the remaining men around him took off their masks.

The last thing he saw before the feedback was cut off was a bright explosive ball going straight for his view.

******* "Poison gas. That's how they're going to kill us."

Six pairs of eyes turned towards you in silence. None of your party huddled at the table really looked surprised at your announcement, though there was an obvious tightness in the air that cloaked the room. Everyone seemed to share the same sense of tension that was growing every passing minute as you sat in silence.

“We’re sure about that?” Renjun asked quietly now from his seat. It took you a beat, but you nodded in confirmation and looked pointedly around the room.

“According to the layout of this place, that is how it looks like. You see the air vents there? They aren’t regular chutes. If you take a closer look, they’re designed to tightly seal upon command. There’s no need for them if they’re planning to attack using guns or anything that uses blunt force.”

“They won’t do that, since they know we can easily overpower them with our offenses,” Mark said. “Oxide poison makes the most sense, since we can’t fight and escape it physically.”

“And it’s the quickest method with the most minimal contact,” Haechan added lowly. You nodded. Beside him, Jaemin leveled you with his intense stare. 

“What’s the plan then? Without contact, the rest of us can’t easily use our Arcanas.”

“Are we going to try and escape from here before then? We don’t even know when they’ll come after us,” Jisung joined in, his voice sounding the most serious you’ve ever heard from him. 

Chenle shot him a grim look in answer. “But we can’t. We tried before, but this place is built like a monster. They intentionally weakened us to lower the chances of our Arcanas busting us out of this place.”

You frowned. “He’s right. I’ve seen the security level of this place when I first came in and I’m pretty sure it can only be opened from the outside. Trying to use your powers will just weaken you more and make it easier for them to kill,” you said. Beside you, Haechan started tapping his fingers lightly on the table in frustration.

“So we just let them slaughter us like that, huh?”

“Exactly.”

You knew it was a rhetorical question from him, so you weren’t surprised at all when everyone turned their heads towards you at your reply. You met each boy’s gaze unwaveringly, silently willing them to listen closely to what you were about to say. 

“That’s exactly what we’re going to do. We let them kill us, because there is no other way we can get out of this room other than have them move us out on their own.”

“I don’t understand…” Renjun trailed off.

“Poison gases are deadly, but their effects are not instant. At least from what I know, it can take a few seconds to minutes before they kill someone. That’s more than enough time for us to do something,” you moved your gaze towards Mark who was sitting on the head of the table. “Mark, you control all forms of matter and their structure. Do you think your Arcana can change the toxicity levels of vapor?”

The boy’s eyes slightly widened in surprise. You knew he was starting to catch up with what you were trying to say from the look on his face.

“If you mean changing poison into pure, harmless gas, then yes, I think I can do it…”

You nodded. “Then we have a chance. This is how we’re going to do it. First, on the day that they’re going to kill us, we need to convince Cypher that we are still inside this room, just in case they are still tracking our movements.”

“But we are… inside. There’s no way out,” Jaemin said, looking completely lost. You shook your head slightly. 

“Wrong. We can’t go out, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hide anywhere else,” you said pointedly as your gaze slowly moved to Haechan. The boy frowned at what you said before his lips parted slightly in realization. “I’m pretty sure no poison gas can get into those shadow dimensions,” you added, the second you knew he got it. You could feel everyone on the edge of their seats now so you continued.

“Here’s how we can pull it off—and I need everyone to listen because we all need to work together to make sure it works. Haechan creates illusions of us being in the room before the attack. Once that’s done, we’ll have to move and hide inside one of his dimension portals to wait things out. Mark, we need you and Chenle to stay behind. Do you think you can do something to make sure the gas doesn’t get to you and him first?”

The boy gave a tight nod. “I can shift the air in the room so that it creates a vacuum around us. We’ll be protected.”

“Good. You and Chenle will have to find a way to somehow overpower the men closest to you under the cover of the smoke. They’ll be wearing masks for sure, and you need to move quick to attack seven of them, no more no less. Once they are poisoned, you need to switch clothes with them as quickly as you can,” you turned now towards the younger boy who had been listening to you intently.

“Chenle, you’re very important for the next steps. Once the men are poisoned, Mark has to neutralize the gas so that it can be safe for us to come out of hiding. Nobody else in the room will notice this as long as we have casualties in the room. Once we’re back in the room, you need to transform the dead bodies to look exactly like us, and change us to take their appearances. We can get out of the room then, under the disguise of the guards once we move our ‘bodies’ out.”

Nobody spoke or even made the slightest sound for a good few seconds even when you finished speaking. Instead, the boys simply stared at you with varying looks of shock and disbelief. Haechan finally broke the silence, his tone hushed when he spoke.

“Holy shit… That’s genius.”

Renjun nodded slowly, his gaze unwavering on your face too. “That might work…”

You, on the other hand, faltered slightly. “You think so? It’s going to take a lot on all of you.”

Mark shook his head. “It probably will, but it’s not like we have any other choice. We’ll have to make it work.”

The rest of the boys exchanged silent looks between each other in confirmation. Finally, Chenle said what everyone else was thinking, his words sounding like a death sentence.

“Let’s all wait to die then.”

******* “Jisung, a little help here?!”

A bright ball of light zoomed over your head just as you ducked and got on your knees. The sensation enveloping you was one of the most uncomfortable you’ve ever felt, with your flesh moving and churning against your bones as if they have a mind of their own. Somewhere beyond you, you heard Haechan’s voice call out again just as one of Jisung’s energy explosives hit something and sent the floor rumbling. Mixed in with his voice are random shouts of voices from the guards who went into the room and were still in shock from the ruckus that was happening. With a last wince, you felt your body finally snap into place again as Chenle’s Arcana finally faded off. You turned your head to the side in time to see Jaemin shift back to his appearance at the same time, a displeased look obvious in his face.

“Hell, don’t ever make me look that ugly again,” he said through gritted teeth as he pulled off the heavy protective clothing that he used as a disguise. You felt his hand immediately shoot up towards you to pull you to an upright position, only for you to try and pull him back as a man suddenly charged towards your pair from out of nowhere, his gun pointed straight at your chests. Jaemin immediately realized what was happening and held on to you as he turned his head back. 

“Jaemin, watch out—!”

The boy only look slightly concerned at the danger. Expression not even changing, he looked the man straight in the eye, causing the latter to immediately stiffen in his spot. You only heard his next words as he pushed you a little behind him to cover your view with his back.

“Don’t even think about it. Shoot yourself.”

The sound of the gun going off was swallowed by the other sounds of explosion in the room. Before you could even process what happened, you felt another slight tug at your hand as you were once again pushed forward. Renjun and Haechan appeared on your side just as you tried to look around, the latter bringing the rear as he tried to push your group forward.  

“Mark-hyung! Chenle!”

The two boys in question were currently on the other side of the room, both engaged in fights of their own. You only caught glimpses of them as you moved, but you were sure you saw balls of fire from Mark’s hand and what look like ragged blades made of steel being thrown around by Chenle to the men closest to him. The older of the pair gave your group one quick look, before blasting another man off his way.

“Jisung, go with them! We’ll follow. Find Jeno and the headmaster!”

You swiveled your head to find Jisung at the head of the room, blue currents crackling in his hand just as he electrocuted a man he was in a lock of arms with. Without another word, he pushed the unconscious guard off him and started running towards your pack still being led by Jaemin. The latter’s eyes were swiveling everywhere, desperately searching for something. 

“Renjun, which one—”

“The man near the door. He knows where they are. He’s he head of guard,” the other boy quickly answered, his pupils dilated as he stared at the said guard. His eyes looked glassy but focused at the same time, and you knew, he had gotten into the man’s head, sifting through his memories. “I got it. I already know where they are, but we need him to open the door. Jeno’s closest to us.”

Jaemin didn’t waste any second to take action. Crossing the distance just as Jisung met your group, he barely even flinched when the man raised his gun and open fired towards your direction. You gasped, but the bullets flew off towards different directions as Jisung pulled up his energy shield around all of you at the nick of time. One bullet actually bounced back towards the guard, catching him on his thigh and making him double over in pain towards the floor. Jaemin caught before he even managed to catch his next breath though, his hand going over half of the man’s face. 

“Stand up. Bring us to Jeno,” he ordered, his voice low and commanding. The guard’s eyes glazed over, and like a puppet, stood up and started walking towards the door despite the heavy bleeding on his leg.

“Jisung, bring the front. I’ll take care of the defense,” Haechan’s voice sounded tense as your group finally stepped out of the room. The hallway that welcomed you was now flashing with red lights and you could hear sirens blaring in the distance. You ignored the growing painful stitch at your side as your unit started speeding down the corridors, following the hypnotized man at the head of your group. 

“We don’t have much time. We need to get to them fast,” you panted as you tried your best to keep up with everyone. A sudden bright flash of light almost made you trip in surprise as Jisung threw spears of light towards a group of men that suddenly appeared from around one of the bends you just passed. Behind you, Renjun quickly picked you up and pushed you forward again, his hand on your back. 

“We’re almost there. Jeno’s in the third hallway,” Renjun said urgently before his breath caught. Eyes widening, he suddenly turned around and shouted at Haechan who was just a few feet behind.

“Haechan, three guards incoming—”

He was barely able to finish his sentence when three men appeared just as he said, their guns set on your group. Before any of them could pull the trigger, however, a big gaping black hole opened behind them with monstrous jaws. One man almost screamed in surprise, but he was immediately cut off when it swallowed him and the rest of the guards, leaving nothing but their guns clattering on the floor. You gasped but Haechan barely even missed a beat as he continued to run behind your group.

“I swear, if we’re not even close yet—”

“We’re here!”

Jaemin’s voice cut through the noise as your group skidded to a halt in front of a double set of metal doors. Breaths heaving, you all watched as the hypnotized warden moved over like a puppet to unlock it in a trance. It took a moment before the said gates parted, but you felt yourself pushed inside as soon as you could slip between the crack. The rest of the boys followed behind shortly, just as the wayward sound of bullets came from the corridor you just left. You have barely caught your breaths and balance when you all collectively froze in shock at the scene that welcomed you.

Strapped in the bed in the middle of the room was Jeno, his eyes only half open as he stared at nothing in particular. Hovering above him, his hand pressed against his barely moving chest, was another boy who seemed to be surrounded by a dark force field. Your eyes widened just as the stranger looked up and locked gazes with yours. You almost stumbled backwards as you realized what you were looking at. Somebody caught you just in time before you lost your balance, Mark’s voice barely piercing through your fear as he spoke.

“What’s happening—”

The boy’s voice faded just as the monster with Jeno’s exact face twisted his lips into a smirk.

******* “What the fuck…”

Chenle’s shocked voice was like a shot of cold water that brought all of you back to your senses. Eyes still wide, you felt Mark’s arm pull you back urgently before he stepped in front of you. His stance was tight, but you could feel the slight tremors running through him as he kept you close. When the monster straightened up and stepped away from the bed, the rest of the boys around you fell back to defensive stances even with different levels of horror on their faces.

“Jeno-hyung,” Jisung mumbled, sounding equal parts lost and terrified. As if it heard him, the creature turned his head towards him before taking another step towards your group. There was something about the nature of its movement that seemed deeply unnatural and eerie, and you could see now how its eyes glowed black, the same way Jeno’s did back in the torture room. Unlike Jeno though, you knew this boy your were looking at is anything but human. 

“That’s not him,” Jaemin’s hollow voice barely pierced through your shock as he finally spoke beside you. A heavy weight settled at the pit of your stomach as Renjun finished what the other couldn’t say.

“That’s a clone.”

Renjun’s last word is what seemed to have triggered the spiral of events that followed. The shadow image of Jeno smirked wider at the sound of it, its eyes turning even darker as it regarded your group. Not a heartbeat after, black humanoid shadows burst out from the floor and caused tremors that threw all of you out of balance. A sound of pain was torn away from you forcefully as you were slammed back against the wall by the earthquake it caused. Your head spun, but you managed to open your eyes just in time to see the monsters start to move towards the direction of your group, their sizes growing with every step.

“Shit!”

“He has the same Arcana as him!”

“Watch out!

The shouts overlapped around you into a cacophony of mess. A growing ringing in your ears kept you from knowing who was shouting, but you did feel a force try to pick you up from the floor as you tried to blink away the spinning of your head. You focus and balance still off, you barely registered your body being shoved again into the wall. You blinked. Looking up, you saw Chenle’s hazy profile before you. There was a wall of rock covering the both of you from whatever force was pushing from the other side, and he gritted his teeth in pain as his hands pressed against the barrier. Your mind only snapped to clarity at what was happening when long, deep cracks ran around his summoned shield right in front of your eyes.

“Chenle—”

“Haechan-hyung! This isn’t gonna work! We need your shadow room!”

A deafening roar from somewhere made you instinctively grab the boy and throw both of you towards the floor. It was done just at the nick of time too, as a massive clawed arm finally broke through the rock shield Chenle was trying to hold up. Your first instinct was to roll away and drag your pair away as far as possible from the still raging monster now pounding at the ruined shield, but a different set of arms both lifted you from the floor before you could even do it. You barely caught a glimpse of Jaemin before he was dragging you towards the other end of the room, his eyes wild as he looked around. You gasped as you saw half of his face covered with blood, but you didn’t even have enough time to process that as another explosion made you unconsciously flinch and curl.

“Haechan! Do something! I have her!” the boy roared over the sounds of blasts and growls that has taken over the room. A rain of loose rocks and cement poured over your heads from the ceiling as another resounding bang tore through the air.

“I’m trying! Get out of the way!” Haechan’s voice shouted back from god knows where. You couldn’t see him in the ruckus that was happening, and you didn’t even have a chance to try and look for him, because the next thing you know, a black void opened in your peripheral vision. Jaemin started pushing you towards it without another word. 

“No! You need to come too!” You screamed in panic when you realized he and Chenle weren’t coming with you. You tried to reach out to both of them just as the void started to close, but both quickly stepped away before you could get your hands on them.

“We can’t. We need to get Jeno first. Mark and the others can’t do it on their own, just stay there and wait for us!”

That was the last you heard before the darkness finally swallowed you. All of a sudden the noise from the room cut off, and you were surrounded with nothing but the deafening silence of the room Haechan conjured with his chaos magic. Only the sound of your heaving breaths pressed against your ears as your knees finally gave way and you fell to the floor.

You didn’t know how long you stayed there as you tried to catch your breath. You weren’t sure if you are bleeding anywhere, but that was the least of your worries as you fought against the crashing emotions inside of you that made you almost choke in your own breath. There was a moment of silence as you tried to clutch on the floor of shadows in an effort to ground yourself, but it was short-lived as an unexpected tremor shook the very void you were in. You gasped and looked around wildly. The force felt like something of an attack from the outside, but you couldn’t confirm when it suddenly stopped just as soon as it came. At this point, you knew your nerves were frayed to their limit. The dead silence that followed was even more painful as you waited breathlessly for the next blow. 

Boom!

Your scream caught in your throat at the splitting sound that sliced the  silence enveloping you. All of a sudden, the darkness surrounding you was overcome by a sudden wash of light coming from a crack in the void. Before you could even wrap your head around what you were looking at, a monstrous arm reached out from the hole and wrapped its burning fingers around your neck. It pulled you back so hard and fast into the source of the light that the only thing that registered to you was the chilling sound of cracks that tore through your consciousness. The next thing you know you were staring at one of the shadow monsters as it held you in mid-air by your neck, its black glowing eyes drilling against you.

The blunt force must have broken something in you because you could feel nothing of the pain after. The shock of it all, however, is what really made you numb. It barely even registered to you how you were back in the real world, Haechan’s dimension seemingly torn into shreds by the beast alone. Your head was feeling heavy, and you’re convinced you are about to lose consciousness any time as more of your airflow was cut off. With the last of your energy, you tried to move your eyes across the room. Your sight had gone blurry by the edges, but you managed to register the bleeding face of Mark staring up at you in horror before you felt gravity started to pull you down. Slowly, the monster let go of its hold on your neck, only for your body to be caught again in mid-air… by its arm piercing through your stomach.

“No!”

“Mark! Stop!”

“Kun-ge!”

“Ten! Get to her first! I’ll get the others!”

Everything was just a blur of colors, shapes, and sounds after that. Your body hit the floor, but you didn’t feel any pain as the last of your breaths started to leave you. Your eyes were still open, but your mind was struggling to understand what you were seeing and what they mean. Even in the growing hollowness quickly swallowing you though, you saw the way the shadow monster stopped just before it was about to drive its last blow on your battered body, as if it was suddenly frozen in time. It was only a few seconds before you lost consciousness when a familiar face took over your dimmed line of sight, his face hovering over you as he made a motion to pick you up.

“Hey, you’re okay. Just stay still.”

Ten…?

“We’re getting out of here.”

******* The feeling was worse than what you hoped death would be like.

If limbo was a solid construct, it is exactly the sensation that was wrapping you right now. It was different from anything you have experienced before, with your consciousness caught between a wakeful state and a growing numbness that always seems to pull you under every time you were just about to break the surface. You have no idea where you are or even who you are, and yet there was one strand of thought that you were clinging desperately into as a lifeline.

You were fading into nothing. And it was terrifying.

"Love. Love, don't close your eyes. Don't go to sleep yet."

"We're losing her—no. No. We need to do something!"

"Renjun! Where are you!"

The sound of that name brought a mild undercurrent of shock over whatever trace of life was still left in you. You know that name… you've said it so many times before but you couldn't really remember why… Renjun… Renjun…

"Renjun?"

"Yes, noona?"

The way your vision snapped to focus almost knocked out the air from you. From floating in nothingness, you were all of a sudden back on your feet again, standing in the middle of a shadowed corridor. Turning your head to the side, your eyes ever so slightly widened when you saw Renjun beside you, his gaze set on something in front of him. You frowned. You didn't know what was happening, but at the same time, there was a part of you that seemed to exactly know the answers you are trying to grasp. You watched silently as the boy’s lips turned up into a soft smile as if he could hear your thoughts, before he finally turned to look at you.

"Where are we?"

He tilted his head a little to the side at your question. He seemed calm, a complete  contrast to the confusion swirling in your head at the moment. He gave you a look before turning away again and nodding his chin towards something. The action made you finally follow his gaze, only for your heart to drop at what you saw beyond.

"Where it all started. I think you know exactly where we are."

The white door from your dreams loomed in front of you like a ghost. It looks exactly like the real one you walked through back in Rosewood—the threshold to your father's office where you found his secrets. The only difference now is that the door you are looking at didn’t have its bronze knob burned and singed yet, and that there was no smoke coming from under its gap near the floor.

"Why are we…"

Your voice trailed off as you took in the sight in front of you. You were so lost that you didn't even notice the way Renjun had threaded his fingers on yours until you felt him squeeze your hand. The comfort the gesture brought grounded you just a little, numbing your mind before it went down a full spiral.

"It's time to open that door again."

He said those words so softly, and yet you could hear the urgency in them still. You hesitated. A part of you didn't want to move, afraid of what you might find on the other side of it, but there was also something unexplainable urging you to do the exact opposite. For a few more seconds you stood there, gauging your options, before finally raising your hand and reaching out to the knob. Beside you, Renjun gave you one final squeeze just as you turned and pushed it back.

The door parted slowly as if it had a life of its own. You weren't sure if you were still breathing in the first place, but your chest felt absolutely still as you waited for it to reveal what was behind it. When you finally caught glimpses of what's beyond, there was a brief moment when your mind started to figure out what you were seeing. Everything looked exactly the same from your father’s office back in the academy, but then your eyes moved down to its center... 

And landed on a girl lying on a table in the middle of the room. You couldn’t see her face at first since she had her head turned away from you so you took a silent step inside to try and see more. You have finally passed through the door when she finally moved, causing the light in the room to wash all over your features. You stopped, your breath freezing in your chest. Lying beyond was a woman....

With the exact same face as you. 

It felt like the floor was torn away from under your footing. You were confused, the feeling only growing as another table materialized next to where your doppelganger was. Your eyes widened in surprise. Resting on it was Renjun, his hair still long just like when he first came to Cypher. Quickly, you turned to look at the boy on your side. The Renjun who first came to your dreams was still there holding your hand. He was looking at both your duplicates beyond with an unreadable light in his eyes. 

“What’s happening?” you asked, your voice sounding thin and almost breaking at the edges. He squeezed your hand again but kept his sight trained straight at the scene in front of you. 

“Watch.” 

You did what you were told. The doppelgangers in front of you have barely moved since they came into focus, so your eyes bounced around the other details around them in the hopes of finding something that can make you better understand. When they finally focused on the tables they were lying on, a shocking realization hit you like a wave. They were the exact same desks you found in your father’s office—the ones you thought were so out of place when you first stumbled on them. 

That’s when it hit you. 

You're not looking at an illusion, nor was this just a dream. The girl you are looking at is not a copycat. 

But you…

"From a memory," Renjun whispered beside you as if he just heard your train of thought. At that moment, you saw the girl’s lips move, silently at first, before they finally formed words. 

"I trust you."

The sound of your own voice startled you. The moment you heard them, the scene changed as if someone had flipped it. This time, there were also others in the room, surrounding the table where you are. Mark, Jeno, Jaemin, Haechan, Jisung and Chenle were looking down on you and Renjun's doppelgangers, their faces unreadable. Renjun's double also turned his head towards the girl beside him before reaching out gently to her face. Above him, Jaemin moved over to hold him down while the rest hovered around you. You noticed how the boys seemed to take calculated positions, as if whatever was happening was already pre-arranged. Mark stood over to your left while Jeno hovered near your head. Jaemin, Chenle, and Haechan reached out to pin down your hands and legs. 

"This is going to hurt," Renjun vision whispered to yours. 

You nodded.

"I know."

"Close your eyes."

You flinched as you heard yourself scream in pain just as soon as she did what she was told. The moment was fleeting, however, as your view of the room suddenly spun out of control. The corridor melted and vanished, including Renjun and the whole slice of memory you have been watching, only for it to snap back at an entirely different place. That happened again and again, words jumping and scenes flipping as you jumped from one place to another. All throughout, you remained on your spot, unable to do anything but watch and listen to whatever it was presented in front of you. 

"You need to do it, Mark. It's the only way it will work."

"Make sure to give me a good dream, alright Haechan?"

"Chenle and Jisung… you'll help noona, right?"

"I'm sorry, Jaemin…"

"Give me this pendant at the right moment, Renjun. And a flower. A yellow daffodil will be nice."

"Jeno… Will you wait for me?"

You doubled over and clutched at the sides of your head as the noises, colors, smells, and sensations washed over you like a huge tidal wave. You could feel yourself splitting at the seams and being brought back together again and again. You were confused. In pain. Terrified. Lost.

"I'll leave my memories to your care."

Your own haunting voice echoed in your head. The words made you freeze, killing the screams you didn't even know were making. Eyes wide and pupils shaking, you looked up again only to find yourself in an entirely different room. Your gaze settled on another vision of you and the boys, though this time, everything was different.

Your eyes focused on an exact copy of you again lying down on a bed. Unlike the vision at Rosewood, however, this version of you looked pale and almost lifeless. Black marks decorated your neck, and half of your body from your stomach down was drenched in blood. Your chest was still… Except for the times it unnaturally gets lifted from Jisung's electric shocks. Your heart dropped to your chest as you realized what you were looking at.

This was not part of your dreams or even your memories.

This… was your present.

"She's losing a lot of blood. Chenle!" Haechan's high-pitched voice turned on the rest of the noises of the previously silent scene you were watching. He was holding what looked like a blood-soaked towel against the hole in your stomach, his own hands stained with the red liquid as he tried his best to plug your wound. Across from him, clutching your other side was Chenle, whose face was illuminated by a strange light coming from his hands pressed close to your flesh. He looked pale. Scared.

"I'm trying. Her muscles are binding slowly because her wound is severe. Jisung—"

"Her heart is not starting," the other boy, who was hovering over your upper half, answered in a trembling voice. You watched as he pressed his hands on your chest again before sending another jolt of electricity that sent your back arching up before falling limply on the bed. “We need her heartbeat to pick up faster. I can’t do it alone.” 

"Her pulse. It's fading," Mark sounded hollow as he clutched on to your hand. "We can't do this. Her life force is leaving faster than we can bring it back."

Jaemin, who was standing next to him, gritted his teeth in frustration. He was trying to hold up Renjun who was currently standing by your head with his hands pressed against your temples. "We need Jeno. Where are they?"

As soon as he said the name, a new movement from your peripheral vision made you tear your eyes away from the bloody scene. Appearing out of thin air was Ten trying to hold up Kun and Jeno on both his sides. Your lips parted in shock. Your surprise was mirrored by the other boys, though they were quicker to recover at the sight of the newcomers.

Renjun didn't waste another breath before calling out to the younger of the trio.

"Jeno, she's dying! You need to hold back her lifeforce from fading to give Chenle and Jisung more time to revive her."

You watched, stumped, as the boy in question pulled himself away from Ten and immediately tried to rush over to where you are. He looked disoriented and weak, but he managed to catch himself and grab on to your other free hand before he lost his balance. Just like Chenle, a glow came from his hand, weak but still lighting up your joined palms. You took in a breath as things finally started moving in your head. 

"I'm here. Come on. Fight it."

Jeno's raspy voice sounded close to your ears even as you watched him from the safe distance of where you stood. When you saw him press your other self's cold fingers against his lips, you felt a jolt in your chest that was mirrored by the slight movement of your other body across the room. The other boys caught it, Mark in particular who held on tighter to your other hand he was still holding.

"Her pulse is getting stronger. Chenle, Jisung, just a little bit more."

The two boys in question said something back, but you didn't catch any of it as your attention was caught by Renjun from the other side of the room. Unlike the others who seemed unaware of your detached presence in the scene, he looked right straight at you, his eyes piercing.

"Noona. It's time to remember."

The next sequence of events all happened in a matter of seconds. You were yanked back from the ground you were standing on as your consciousness was sucked into a void where blasts of colors and sounds clashed and melded with each other. Wounds closed and bones snapped back to their right places. Memories of the far and recent past melded together, forming a singular consciousness that grew and grew and grew until they consumed you. Everything was unbearably overwhelming, not until a voice pierced through the noise.

"Please. Come back to me."

Everything stilled to a sudden halt. The room was silent, the only sound you can hear being the calm thumps of your own heartbeat. Slowly, you opened your eyes and let your vision settle on the first thing you could see. Jeno's face came into focus, his gaze moving over the rest of your features quickly. The moment your eyes locked, you saw realization dawn behind his.

"Do you…"

You didn't answer. Instead, you reached out for his face, your thumb grazing his cheek.

"Can you help me up, love?" You whispered. He momentarily paused before he took a step back to gently guide you into a sitting position. Around you, the rest of the boys moved away from the bed to give you breathing space. Kun and Ten also stepped closer towards your line of vision from the other side of the room. They were wearing the same expression the rest had on their faces—a mixture of concern, wariness, and reverence. You touched every single face staring at you with your gaze, before your lips tipped into a slow smile.

"Hello, boys… Missed me?"

Nobody said a word at first. Finally, Kun gave a slight bow of his head in answer.

"Welcome back…"

"IL Matto."

AUTHOR’S NOTE: So... I may have half-lied about a couple of things. First, it is true that this is Arcane’s end. The catch, is that it is only the last chapter of the first book. I decided to split the plot into two parts, because I know so many things have happened in the story already and I needed a breather to gather more inspiration for the remaining half of the story. I would like to thank everyone who has been with this journey so far. I really wouldn’t have kept the torch up this long if not for all of your support. For now though, I need to take a quick rest. 

Book 2 may come a little later than my usual timeline of publishing updates, but as you’ve figured out from the end of the chapter, it will cover the rest of the story with a heavy focus on everything that has happened before the start of Arcane. For those of you who want to read it, I’ll be waiting for you again once it starts. 

Again, I’d like to express my appreciation to all of you who have showed loved for Arcane. Can’t wait to see you again at the start of a new journey. P.S. Congratulations to all those who came so close with the theories and thank you to those who took the time to think about them. You’re all starting to learn how to pick my brain. <3 ;)

Love, 

Sammy

-----

BOOK 2: Chapter 1

Taglist [OPEN]:  @negincho, @jhornytrash, @aaasteroidsky, @huangberryyy, @marijmin, @ashkuuuu, @reluctantserpent-101, @huskyhunny, @domojoo, @anaveragefangirl, @lostlovesoul11, @dreamisfelix, @lomlwoo, @coconuttiez8d, @jaehyunenthusiastsworld, @shininginthemoonlight, @bettyschwallocksyee, @w3bqrl, @smolpeyy, @chenlejjang, @kunssouschef, @thesunsfullmoon, @kpopstanforlifeuwu, @chokopocky, @azzygongez, @tito-the-mermaid, @jakeshuneybby, @yutacchin, @baehaechannie, @thefoxsleeps, @caspervoid, @yongboksfreckles, @jaeyuuns​, @ssuungchans​, @furryllamas​, @meiinumaki, @yayaistime​

[rarephloxes]

@lucienvanserraweek, free day!

I’m so happy to announce that this is a collab with my dear friend @ratabrasileira!!! Go show the beautiful drawing she did some love!!

rating: G

words: 2.2k

Elain searches the woods for flowers and finds more than she ever expected. Sleeping Beauty Au

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Elain left the cottage barefooted, the soft cushion of the grass comfortable and well known to her feet. The familiar and gratifying feeling of calm earth beneath her, steady and grounding, more than enough reason to forego any sort of shoes.

Roses, Feyre had chanted, the dreamy look in her sister’s eyes persisting ever since her chance encounter with a newcomer guard at the town square, the prettiest ones you can find, please?

Elain had not the courage to tell her younger sister that she had picked fresh flowers just the day before, funny-shaped pink blooms Elain found at the lip of the stream near the border.

So, she had picked her basket - the one Nesta had gifted her on her last birthday, handmade by her older sister herself; a beautiful, intricate thing done with the hard-earned love of the hardest Archeron - and left, a spring to her step and a tune brimming in her throat.

The woods, the townspeople said, were older than the village by unaccounted years, and therefore filled with deep, wondrous and dangerous magic.

Elain, as well as her sisters, was orphaned too soon. A wasting sickness that had scourged their village had taken away both of her parents, one after the other, leaving only a nearly of age Nesta, a doe-eyed Elain, and a tear-stained Feyre.

Many years had passed since, the nebulous, all-consuming pain of the absence of their parents soothed by time. Despite her grieving, it never escaped Elain’s thoughts how lucky she was to have such wonderful people in her life: her kind neighbors; the quaint, energized people of the village, who never missed a chance for celebration; the old grouch at the square who made wooden figures just as her father once had; Feyre’s laugh, her creativity and Nesta’s attentive strength.

The woods, magical and mysterious, were a source of peace in Elain’s little life, too. A balm made of soft sunlight, fresh, perfumed breeze, and the singing quietness of wildlife.

She walked, shawl hanging on her elbows to ward off the slightest of spring chills. Elain sang to her heart’s content, a lively lyric dancing on her tongue and bouncing on the leaves of the tallest of trees, her heart soaring with each note she presented to her loved woodland.

With Feyre’s wishes in mind, Elain followed a path towards a grove, the humidity at her destination perfect for the birth of deep pink roses which best complimented Feyre’s complexion.

She crossed the sturdy old bridge that allowed passage over the river, her cottage’s mill no longer audible from where she stood.

“Hello, Mister,” Elain greeted the white, wild bunny, its twitching mustache smelling the air twice before hurrying on fast jumps towards her, a cupped palm of berries awaiting the animal’s eager mouth, allowing her to scratch its head “You’re rather famished this morning, aren’t you?” she asked. The bunny agreed with what seemed like and affirmative ear twitch before her furry friend scampered away to a nearby bush.

Then, singing about poets and kings, Elain continued her path through the meandering trees, her basket filling with dark, juicy berries - a few of them already staining her lips red - and multicolored flowers.

A bold, red little bird landed on Elain’s extended finger and enchantingly sung with her. Its melodic chirping lacing and harmonizing to the girl’s sweet voice, their impromptu duet accompanied by the rustling leaves and the gurgling stream.

How wonderful Elain felt, surrounded by nature, connecting to the air around her as if it had birthed her itself, offering it her voice. Respectfully reaping the charming flora, she found on her way, breathing their scent, befriending the forest animals, and spinning on the tip of her toes on the soft soil.

As she stopped dancing, her skirts still swishing around her calves from the last of her twirls, Elain noticed a magnificent shrub of the blooms she had braved the woods for, jewel-bright pink petals shining under sunbeams, as if the tress had organized themselves to create a spot of light for such earthly beauty.

Right then, the strangest of things happened.

With her heart jumping to her throat, beating frenetically against her ribs, Elain noticed a beautiful horse. Saddled, with a gleaming chestnut coat, dark eyes downcast, calmly munching on the grass near its hooves.

It wasn’t unheard of, horses in the woods, wild or otherwise, they were not far from the main road, but that was not what made Elain’s skin prickle with alertness.

A well-taken care horse as such must have a rider nearby.

“Samson,” called a male voice “There’s not much left to go.” The horse shuffled his legs, huffing before turning its nose away, back onto the moss.

“There will be carrots,” the voice tried again, with a tone of simulated indifference.

Caught like a fish on a hook, the horse’s great neck snapped up, looking at its rider, as if expecting the vegetable all at once. Stoic as the pair of them seemed, Elain had the impression Samson was kindly spoiled.

Elain, who could hear the rich sound of the stranger’s voice, had not yet distinguished his form in the shade beyond the grove she entered, but following the stallion’s gaze she finally sighted him.

Oh, but what a beautiful man he was.

Stranger was tall and broad-shouldered, with an old, silvery scar marking the side of his face, slitting his brow and narrowly missing his eye - which seemed to be a disconcerting shade of brown. He had the most vibrant shade of red hair she has ever seen, dark like autumn leaves and silky like water.

He was the most beautiful human she has ever seen.

Stranger, however, had yet to notice her.

And as handsome as he was, Elain was clever enough to realize that a quick, silent escape was the safest option.

Slowly, she walked one step back.

The crunch of the branch beneath her foot echoed loudly, too loudly to be confounded by an innocuous wildlife sound.

Elain couldn't raise her eyes to look at him, attention glued to the sword holstered at his hip.

“Be not afraid, lady. I’ll take my leave in a moment,” Stranger said in a placating tone, palms deliberately upraised for her benefit.

The woods turned to music at the exact moment their eyes met.

A world-altering spark of recognition lighted in her mind.

A stranger in the woods, merry music, dancing fireflies, and singing birds, trees being led by the wind as if women in a ballroom, her vision spinning, and her body lighting up like fireworks. A hand on her waist, a choreography her body must have been made for performing, such ease it was to allow it to guide her away.

Dreams, she remembered, wonderful dreams which always kept her under her covers for a moment too long, always ending way too soon, leaving longing as a dent in her pillow.

Now he was right in front of her.

“I know you,” she whispered, words slipping through her lips like birds escaping a cage, her hands shaking.

He was dressed in well-made traveling clothes, dark pants, finely done knee-length boots she had only ever glanced upon whenever wealthier people crossed the town to check on their local businesses, but those deftly dressed gentlemen couldn’t have looked better than the man even with the priciest of fineries. Elain resisted the urge to press her hands to her cheeks, heated and pink from noticing Stranger only wore a thin, unruffled poet’s shirt, - his cape and hat using the nearby trees as hangers - its open laces revealing golden skin and wisps of red hair.

Elain had never felt self-conscious of her looks or clothes, the townspeople dressing similarly to her (even if Elain herself had one of the best sewing hands in their village). Her current outfit was a simple corset with boning made out of prepped hedgehog spikes, the plain fabric embellished with neat seams and picturesque figures Elain had stitched herself; a brown, light skirt - easy to wash and easier to hide soil stains - and, what now she deemed absurd due to the grime on her nails, no slippers.

“And I, you,” he answered as in a daze, hands falling limply at his sides.

“Do you hear it?” Elain made her voice firm, lifting he chin but with her knees slightly bent, ready to run.

“Yes, my lady,” he took a step, then two, until a stretch of his arm would land his hand on her shoulder.

But he didn’t move to touch her.

Elain swallowed, the breeze cooling her body, eyes downcast, legs now motionless and nearly failing her.

“Why won’t you let me see your eyes, my lady?” She couldn’t be sure, for she knew him not, but there was pleading in his tone.

“I’m afraid, my lord, that if I look at you, I’ll awake and leave this dream,” she whispered, surprised, but not fearful, of her words. “And you’ll fly away from my grasp,”

Suddenly shy of her newly found boldness, she turned her back to him.

“I’m-" She started, voice small.

“No, please.” Elain saw a shadow over her shoulder but wouldn’t dare to guess. “Forgive me for my requests, my lady, you need not give me anything, I-”

He sounded... embarrassed.

She found it endearing.

The song of the woods shifted to a village rhythm she knew well.

“Dance with me,” he called.

A gasp fell freely from her mouth, the ghost of a touch on her hand.

Slowly, she turned back to face him and realized her mistake.

His eyes were not brown, but a vibrant russet shade, complimenting his hair better. Elain had heard only the continent bred humans with the most varied and colorful bodies.

“I forgive you,” she mouthed, her throat no longer functional.

There were callouses on his palms if from holding reins or sword fighting, she couldn’t determine, but they were so gentle against her skin she barely put any mind to it.

A blast of sound surrounded them, as if the song recognized their meeting, rejoicing in their movements, magnifying their volume to ensconce the pair of them in a cloud of magic. Elain allowed her stranger to spin and lead her in the dance of her dreams.

She couldn’t help to laugh and smile and giggle as they swayed in impossibly rehearsed arrangements, his wide, carefree, delighted grin pouring sunshine into her chest.

Time turned to a growing bloom, following the natural, slow, unpreoccupied pace of life. A hundred dances thrummed with them while the small pointer of the square clock circled once.

At that time, the resounding, deep clang of the church’s bell chiming twelve times broke through the magic steering the couple.

Elain ceased her steps, the pang of reality downing on her face, awareness washing the enchanted fog in her mind.

She let go of Stranger’s hand, the melodies dimming to a quiet hum, tempting her as a distance siren song,

“I must go,” she told him, yet unable to move.

“So soon?” he asked earnestly, arms lovingly tightening around her waist, not caging, only a gentle embrace.

“Oh, please, I must have my leave. Your lordship certainly has somewhere to be. I don’t even know what to call you-“ she babbled in a rush.

Stranger pressed his nose to the sliver of skin above her neck line, as if he couldn’t help himself, as if she were a saint and he a devotee. Elain lost the breath in her lungs, head lulling back, her words cutting themselves short.

“It’s yours,” his lips brushed the slope of her neck, “My name, my heart, my soul. It’s all yours. I’m Luc-“

Hurriedly, Elain lifted his head and pressed her pointer and middle finger to his mouth, “You must not tell me your name,”

“I heard your voice,” he admitted, a portrait of hope in his face, gently grasping her wrist “I deviated from the road to look for the angel whose song I was lucky to listen. But the singing stopped, as it was never there in the first place,”

“The woods have a mind of their own” she whispered to herself, eyes roaming around as if searching.

“I found you once I let Samson rest for a moment,” he continued, uninterrupted, as though afraid she would vanish in a poof of light.

“Please, my lady. Can’t you see? One is never to deny a gift from the Gods,”

“Are you a believer, Stranger?”

“Now, I am,” he said, his gaze unfaltering, “Will you allow me to reveal my name to your Ladyship?”

“I’m no lady,” she said, taking her hand from the warmth of his, regretting it immediately, “I must have my leave,” How would she explain her tardiness to Nesta? Oh, how reckless she was acting.

“At least allow me to take you to your home, my lady,”

Elain knew deep in her gut as clearly as she knew the color of the sky and the name of her favorite flowers that he would never hurt her.

But her oldest sister warning echoed in her conscience, coiling its limbs around her, refraining her voice.

The universe, it seemed, understood her decision.

Samson let out a loud neigh, attracting her love’s attention for just long enough.

“I’ll see you in my dreams,” she promised as he turned around to watch his horse.

And ran away, deep into the woods.

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Thank you so much for reading! Reblogs, likes and comments make my day.

Special thanks to @moononastring and @silvergriff for hosting this awesome event, @separatist-apologist for being the kindest and most considerate beta reader I could ever hope for.

I’m building a tag list! If you want to keep up with my writing, let me know :))

I may or may not continue this? I really want to mesh this with a bunch of other ideas I have on my notes!!

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK: Chapter eleven: "Can't get you off my mind"

|Word count:  9,7K

Summary:  Reader struggles with her feelings for Spencer and tries to work with Seaver. Neither of those things works. Spencer's headaches are getting worse. Also, it's Anderson's birthday! Things are getting a little more complicated.

Warnings:  Hardcore fools in love. It's getting painful to watch. Spoilers of Criminal Minds Season 6 Episode 11. 25 to life. Cursing, and frustration. Alcohol consumption. Assholes being blind.

A/N: Please don't hate me! but these two are just so blind, it hurts!

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Spencer's point of view

Psychotics in a break always evolve. Well, I was psychotic at that minute of my life, but the only things evolving were my migraines. They were driving me insane. I could feel them taking over my life, my head, my sanity. I could feel my good judgment slipping through my fingers every day, especially since (Y/N) had started acting strange.

It wasn't like she had stopped talking to me or hanging out with me. But I could feel a void growing between us every day. And it was driving me insane. I couldn't understand where it had come from. I just knew it was eating me alive.

Morgan was having a bad day. One really bad day. The man he had vouched for parole had just murdered a man after nearly 70 hours of freedom, and now the team was trying to solve the whole case. Don Sanderson claimed he had been framed guilty of the murder of his wife and baby daughter, but after 25 years in prison, the first thing he did as a free man was to murder someone else.

It made no sense.

We had visited the murder scene. Hotch was still on a leave, so it was just Prentiss, (Y/N), Morgan, Rossi, Seaver, and I. Emily was in full "training agent's duty," walking Seaver through every step of the procedure, which was very nice of her. It was her first case after the incident in New Mexico, and she was eager to do better work than that time. She was nearly jumping all over the place, taking notes.

I talked with Garcia on the phone because he was worried about Morgan, and then I walked to (Y/N), who kept a safe distance from Emily and Seaver.

- "The bullets were in the other room, but the gun is right here,"- I said as I looked around the room. (Y/N) turned to me, ready to speak her mind, but Ashley spoke first, which annoyed her beyond belief.

- "Maybe killing him was an accident."

I looked at my best friend as Prentiss and Ashley continued talking. She just crossed her arms and walked around the room. She surely wasn't dealing well with having Seaver around. I wanted to ask her something, anything, but nothing came to mind.

- "Sanderson was out of prison for what, Reid?"- I answered Emily's question but didn't even turn to look at her. My eyes were following (Y/N), moving around that room.

- "At the time of the murder, 51 hours."

- "He's free for 2 days and change? What's the big hurry to find this guy?"

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered and stood next to (Y/N) as Prentiss and Ashley kept analyzing the scene.

- "Yeah, just tired."

- "Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight? I didn't see you this weekend, and I thought we could do a movie night."

(Y/N) took her time to answer, but finally, after a moment, she nodded and agreed.

- "Movie night sounds nice."

- "Great, ‘cos I rented your favorites."- I might have sounded more excited than I should, but I had really missed her those days, and I may or may not have watched and read Pride and Prejudice a couple of times.

- "Did you? Really?"

- "Yes, I was hoping to spend some time with you."

- "Are you coming, Spence?"- Seaver interrupted us and looked from the door- "Rossi called. They are interviewing Sanderson at the BAU."

- "Yeah, we are coming,"- I answered and looked away. (Y/N) shook her head and walked outside in silence the second Prentiss called my name, and I couldn't follow her. Which, I guess, was a good thing.

- "Is everything ok?"- Emily stayed behind with me. She raised an eyebrow, watching (Y/N) walking out of the room as Ashley waited for us by the door.

- "Yes?"- my answer came more as a question because I honestly didn't know what to say- "Everything is ok, Emily."

- "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the feeling (Y/N) isn't thrilled to have agent Seaver around."- I almost chuckled at her words and just nodded.

- "It's not like she has made it hard to tell. She literally yelled at her at the jet."

- "Is she mad at me because I am supervising her training?"

- "I don't know. I don't think so… she hasn't told me so. Well, she hasn't talked to me much lately."

- "Why? Did you fight?"- Prentiss wide opened her eyes and moved a little closer to me, trying to read my expressions.

- "No, I don't know what's going on. She just… we…"- I couldn't find the right words to explain my mind, and I think Prentiss knew it, ‘cos she didn't push me.

- "You should talk to her."

- "Yeah, we are going out tonight."

- "You have a date?"- Ashley walked over and asked me with a short smile. I cleared my throat and shook my head right away.

- "No, just meeting with a friend."

- "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to intrude,"- Seaver blushed and looked at her shoes. Prentiss smiled, probably reading something I wasn't seeing.

- "Come on, Rossi is probably waiting for us at the BAU, and I'm guessing Morgan is not in a good mood."

For the rest of the day, I tried to find a moment alone with (Y/N). I needed to talk about what was going on. But it was impossible. We worked late, rereading the original case files, trying to find something that might help us help Sanderson. But it was frustrating and nearly impossible.

So around nine, we decided to call it a day and go home.

- "Are you in the mood for Chinese?"- I looked at (Y/N), gathering all the things as I stood next to her desk- I thought maybe we could get some take-out from that place you love on our way home.

- "Sounds nice. What are we watching?"

- "Pride and Prejudice, Coraline, maybe Beetlejuice. You pick, I've got all your favorites,"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes, looking at me in silence- "What?"

- "So you rented movies ‘cos you wanted to hang out with me?"

- "Yes."

- "You usually don't rent movies. You rent documentaries."

- "Yes, but I wanted to do something different this time. I told you I missed you."

(Y/N) blushed as she stood in front of me, biting the inner part of her cheek, trying not to smile. I looked at her, nearly beaming, excited to see her reaction. I had felt so scared to lose her, feeling her pushing away from me. It was a balm watching her so happy, and just because I missed her.

- "I love Pride and Prejudice,"- Ashley said from her desk- "I've read that book so many times, I think I can recite it."

I looked at her and nodded with an awkward smile. I knew she was just trying to be nice ‘cos she was new at the BAU, and she was also trying to be nicer to (Y/N), to get on her good side. But that wasn't the way to get to her. Maybe I had to talk to Seaver and explain that my best friend is a special woman.

Neither of us answered her comment. We just stood there, looking at her in silence, until Anderson walked over and waved.

- "Hey agents, before you go, I wanted to tell you, this Friday I'm celebrating my birthday, and I'd love to have you over."

- "Of course, Sonny!"- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes and clapped. She had called him "Sonny" since they sang "I got you babe" by Sonny and Cher in the karaoke at the Christmas party the year before.

- "Happy birthday, Anderson!"- Derek waved.

- "Thank you! We'll gather at a bar nearby. I'll text you the address."

- "We wouldn't miss it for the world,"- Prentiss added and smiled- "Do you mind if we tell JJ and Garcia?"

- "Please do! I haven't seen JJ since she left, and it would be amazing to have her over. You too, agent Seaver."

- "Thank you!"- Ashley smiled and nodded- "Count me in."

I could feel (Y/N)'s eyes rolling, annoyed, even when I wasn't even looking at her at that minute. I grabbed my bag and my coat and held her hand.

- "Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!"- that was all I said as I dragged her out of the bullpen. Emily waved at us, and Derek cut me an evil grin I could decode easily. I just ignored him and turned to the door.

- "Have fun, pretty girl!!"- Morgan chuckled at his own words, and (Y/N) just smiled and winked. Why? Probably to show him she didn't care about all his teasing, ‘cos nothing was ever going to happen between us.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It might have been childish, but I had to take advantage of Morgan's innuendo just to show Seaver things could happen between Spencer and me. It had been immature and silly, but I just felt like I needed to do it. It was like a stupid animal instinct that forced me to mark my territory.

I shouldn't have done it. Spencer wasn't mine. Not even close. And I had to stop being jealous of Seaver. If he didn't want me, he had the right to be with anyone else. But just the thought of Spencer being with someone, anyone, made me feel sick in my stomach. I hated being in love with him. I honestly did, ‘cos I didn't want to ruin our friendship with useless feelings. Spencer wasn't in love with me. He was just my friend. My very thoughtful, cute, adorable, and lovable best friend.

I was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Even that second, sitting on that couch with Spencer, I couldn't focus on the movie. I pretended, but I didn't even pay attention to it. All I could think of was how warm his body felt sitting next to me, like a gigantic magnet that called for me. I could simply just move my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Or lean in closer, rest my head on his shoulder, feel how he wraps an arm around me, and melt in his embrace, like I had done a million times before.

But I couldn't. I had to stop that daydream of a domestic and romantic life with Spencer. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't sane. But most of all: I wasn't real. And I was never going to move forward in life if I kept thinking those movie nights meant something.

- "More popcorn?- Spencer handed me the bowl, and I shook my head- "You have been awfully quiet considering we are watching Coraline."

- "Well, we are supposed to watch the movie in silence,"- I answered and didn't take my eyes from the screen.

- "You have never done that."

- "Maybe I wanted to give it a try."

I grabbed a bunch of popcorn just to keep myself busy. I could feel Spencer's eyes on me, and it was killing me ‘cos I knew I didn't have to look at him. If I did, I wasn't sure how I would react. I was overthinking everything and anything you might think of.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah. Sure."

No, I wasn't.

- "(Y/N), can you look at me?"- Spencer paused the movie and turned to me. I hesitated, thinking my best friend is an amazing profiler, and I didn't want him to know how I felt about him ‘cos it didn't want to ruin our friendship.

After a few seconds, I moved on the couch and raised an eyebrow. His brown eyes stared into mine in silence for a moment, trying to read me.

- "What is going on?"

- "Nothing,"- I lied and frowned- "Why are you so obsessed with the idea something is going on?"

- "‘Cos I have this… feeling."

- "You got a feeling?"- I chuckled, trying to be funny but failing completely. In the end, I just stared into his eyes for what seemed to be a million years but were, in fact, just a few seconds.

- "Are we ok?"

- "Of course, we are, Spencer."

- "You never call me that"- he frowned immediately, almost hurt.

- "What?"

- "You just call me Spencer when we are on a case, and there are people around us. But when we are home, I'm never Spencer to you."

"When we are home." That killed me. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted that to be our home, to have a life with Spencer.

I was in love with my best friend. I was spending every single hour of every single day of my life with him. That wasn't right! If I knew he didn't have feelings for me, why was I doing that to myself?

- "(Y/N)?"- Spencer's voice took me from my thoughts. He looked so worried I didn't know how to convince him there wasn't anything wrong, considering it felt like everything was wrong.

- "What is it?"

- "Please tell me what's wrong."

- "I told you, nothing is wrong. I just called you Spencer. That's your name. It's a lovely name. I had never met someone called Spencer ever before in my entire life. You just called me (Y/N), not pumpkin, cupcake, chipmunk, or ma chère,"- he sighed, frustrated and maybe a little annoyed.

- "Nothing is wrong, honey. I'm really ok. Just tired, maybe feeling a little invaded with Seaver in the team"- I knew he knew I hated her, so I had to blame her in a way.

- "Why?"

- "You know I'm not her fan... I hate working with her,"- I kind of chuckled at my own words because I was trying to make a joke out of my awful reality.

- "It's just for a few weeks,"- he tried to reassure me, probably to ease my mood, but the truth was I hated how it always felt like he was defending her.

- "One week, one day, it's the same torture,"- I shook my head and turned to the screen again.

- "Don't be dramatic."

- "I'm not dramatic! I just hate how she is always playing the victim ‘cos her father is a serial killer. She is clearly overcompensating! Besides, we have all gone through bad shit in our lives, and no one is using it as a tool to get things in life."

- "I don't think that's what she is doing."

- "No? Do you think she belongs at the BAU? She is a trainee agent who almost got killed in her first assignment. She works hard, and she is not stupid, I give you that. But she is not top of her class. She is not there ‘cos she is the brightest. She is there ‘cos Rossi, Hotch, and probably Prentiss felt bad for her after what happened and decided to let her hang around and learn something for a while. If you ask me, I think there are more qualified trainee agents we could use in the team, but Seaver played her "my father was a serial killer" card and got the job. And who knows how many times she had done it before, and how many times she will use it again."

Ok, that may or may not have been too hard, but it was exactly how I felt. There was a deep silence in Spencer's apartment. The movie was still paused, and after my speech, Spencer just looked at me with wide-opened eyes. I just sighed and regretted every word that had left my lips ‘cos they made me sound bitter and shallow. But at least they didn't tell him the truth: that I was jealous of the thought Seaver might get his attention. Scared that he could look at her the way he had never looked at me. Just to imagine I could bump into them kissing terrified me.

- "Maybe I should just go home,"- I whispered and tried to stand up, but Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto the couch.

- "No, please. Stay,"- his voice was a whisper but still managed to shake me.

- "I don't wanna argue with you, honey,"- I thought I would speak too loud, but no, I actually murmured, matching his tone of voice.

- "We don't have to talk about Seaver anymore. Just watch the movie with me. You love this movie."

- "You love this book,"- I added and looked at him. He smiled. God, that smile is going to be the end of me.

- "It's just so dark! But it has such a good message."

- "Not all nice people are good people?"- I just spoke about what the book had meant to me ever since I was a little girl, and Spencer analyzed the whole plot again in less than a minute.

- "I was going to say overcoming your fears, but I like your analysis the most."

- "Of course, you do, ‘cos it's better,"- I teased and stuck out my tongue to him. Spencer just stared at me and nodded.

- "You might be right. Yours is much better,"- he kept his eyes on me for a few more seconds and continued smiling until he snapped from his thoughts- "More tea, ma chère?"

- "No, honey, thank you. I'm good."

I cut him a quick smile and sat back on the couch, trying to relax. I knew it was going to be impossible, but I honestly didn't want to leave. I wanted to be with him. I had stayed home alone the whole weekend, hidden underneath a pile of blankets, in something that looked pretty much like a fort, according to Lu's words. She had stayed with me Saturday night ‘cos I told her I needed a girl's night. It was my poor attempt to stay away from Reid, and she was happy to help.

Ok, Lu didn't know I wanted to stay away from Reid. I just told her I needed a girl's night. I really didn't want to deal with all her questions. You have the right to avoid dealing with your feelings from time to time if you can. And I told Spencer Lu wasn't feeling so good, so I wanted to spend some time with her. He sounded disappointed ‘cos he was making plans for our weekend off but understood completely I needed to be with my friend.

See? Spencer made it so easy falling in love with him! He was so thoughtful it freaking hurt!

I couldn't fight the feeling anymore and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt he was waiting for me to make that move, ‘cos in a few seconds, his arm was wrapped around me protectively.

- "I know Lu needed you, but you missed a whole weekend of cuddling on this couch watching your favorite movies with me,"- Spencer whispered, bumping his head carefully against mine. I bit my lips and smiled, not taking my eyes away from the screen.

- "We do this pretty often"- that was all I could answer.

- "At least once a week for the last… thirteen-month two weeks, and… four days."

- "I love how precise you can be when it comes to our friendship, honey."

Calling it a friendship hurt me at that point, but it was what it was. Spencer chuckled and just nodded. We enjoyed our company in silence for a moment. His fingers drawing figures on my arm and my head resting on his shoulder, letting his smell invade me. It was heaven.

We were finally watching the movie… though what I really wanted was to watch a movie with Spencer instead of actually watching it. But that was the nature of our relationship. We were friends. Friends don't watch movies.

- "No way,"- I argued when his cellphone rang and interrupted our moment- "Please tell me we don't have a case."

- "We don't,"- he quickly answered and picked up the phone- "Hello? Hi… it's ok, tell me"- he didn't stand up or moved from me. He kept holding me tight against his body and finished his call by simply saying.

- "We can meet tomorrow at seven at work. I can help you with your test."- I hated those words immediately.

- "It's not a problem, see you tomorrow. Bye."

I was afraid to ask ‘cos I knew the answer. The knot on my stomach was the fair warning of what had just happened. That bitch had ruined our moment yet again.

- "What are you doing tomorrow at seven?"- I did my best to sound as casual as possible, but I knew that conversation might not end well. He hesitated. I could nearly hear his neurons struggling to find the correct answer to that question. Until he simply whispered:

- "Please don't get mad."

- "Why would I?"

- "‘Cos Ashley just called to ask me to help her study for a test…"

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, doing my best to calm myself down at least a little before speaking.

- "I'm not mad, Spencer,"- I tried to lie as smoothly as possible. I even cut him a smile and looked into his hazel and confused eyes.

- "I know you don't like her, but I had offered to help in case she needed any… what?"

- "I'm not mad, really,"- I smiled again and turned to the screen- "We said we were not going to argue, and besides, she just called to ask you for help. That's not something to be mad about, right?"

Technically I wasn't mad. I was beyond furious.

- "Are you sure?"- he narrowed his eyes, baffled- "Not that I want you to be mad or something, but we just argued over her, and you said you felt invaded by her… so…"

- "Yes, but I don't wanna argue anymore. I don't want you to think I hate Seaver because I don't. And most of all, I don't want her to be the reason we fight. I don't wanna fight with you. Ever."

Spencer sighed, relieved, and smiled, pleased with my answer.

Spencer's point of view

Something felt off the following day when I walked into the bullpen and saw Ashley waiting for me by my desk with two cups of coffee. (Y/N) had said everything was ok, and I decided I wanted to believe her. But I had an awful feeling about everything that was going on.

- "Hi!"- Ashley smiled and handed me a cup- "Figured you might appreciate one of these for making you wake up earlier."

- "Thank you"- I smiled awkwardly and held the cup- "Are you ready?"

- "Yes, I brought all the notes from the class and my books…"- she set them on her desk and giggled as I went through her notes, sipping my cup- "I feel back in high school…"

- "Why?"

- "I wasn't the best student back then, and I always had to ask my classmates for help,"- I couldn't help but think of something (Y/N) had said the night before.

- "And are you a good student at the academy?"

- "Yes, I think. I'm not in the top three of my class, but I have good grades. I'm just not… a genius, like you."

Her eyes lingered on my face, and her cheeks blushed after a few seconds. I frowned, not getting why she was embarrassed. Was it just ‘cos she didn't have the same honorifics as I did?

- "I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified,"- I simply answered, remembering how many times in my life I had ever said something like that. Way too many, to be honest.

It was hard to focus on the subject when Seaver kept asking me personal questions every five minutes. She seemed more interested in knowing about my childhood in Las Vegas than learning about profiling and victimology.

- "Good morning, kids!"- I turned around and smiled at Morgan, so glad to see him I might have actually felt a little relieved- "What are you doing here so early?"

- "Hey! I was just helping Ashley with her test,"- I stood up and walked from her desk over his- "And about you?"

- "I have a meeting with Strauss in a while, and Sanderson's case didn't let me sleep. It was better to come here and start working than to keep on rolling on my bed. But I'm glad you are here. Wanna help me go through a few extra files?"

- "Of course!"- I left the notes I was holding on the closest desk and walked with Morgan to the conference room.

I considered our session with Seaver finished, mostly ‘cos for the last ten minutes, she had been asking about me. What I liked doing outside the BAU, favorite bands, hobbies, anything. I answered her questions and kept trying to push her to study. I didn't want her to blame me if she failed her test.

- "Hey, kid."- Morgan whispered after a few minutes and took a look around, just to make sure no one else was near. I looked at him confused ‘cos he was never that careful to say anything in the office.

- "Is everything ok?"

- "Yes?"- I answered, though it sounded like a question ‘cos I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

- "Are you excited to have Seaver on the team for the next month?"- I shrugged and kept reading the file in my hands- "Come on, Reid. She is clearly sweet to you."

- "I don't know what you are talking about."

- "She has a crush on you, kid."

- "No, she doesn't!"

- "Come on! Are you blind?"- I stared at Morgan, not getting what he was talking about- "Man, Seaver gives you loving eyes even when we are on the field!"

- "She does not!"- I knew I was blushing. I hated those kinds of conversations, and Morgan always made me feel awkward when he hinted I should flirt with a girl or just talk to them.

- "And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything like that ever again."

- "What's the matter, kid? You don't think she is pretty?"

- "I don't look at her that way!"- I buried my head in a file and tried not to notice how he scanned my whole face, looking for micro expressions.

- "I see. Are you afraid (Y/N) might get jealous?"- Morgan chuckled at his words and tapped on my back a few times, making me flinch- "Relax, man. I'm just kidding!"

- "I don't like those jokes, Derek. Really."

Morgan kept his eyes on me a little longer and nodded. I did my best not to show how I really felt, but somehow, I failed miserably.

- "You know, kid, it would be much easier if you just told (Y/N) how you feel about her,"- Derek's voice was soft and even more concerned than I thought he could be. I nearly shook when I heard him, so I failed my mission of remaining stoic.

- "Reid, it's ok. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for her."

- "I don't… like talking about this,"- I whispered and closed the file- "Can we just focus on work, please?"- Derek nodded and stayed quiet for a few seconds. But I knew he wasn't done yet.

- "Reid, listen. I know you are not really fond of sharing how you feel with us, I know you share almost everything that happens in your life with (Y/N), and as your friend, I've always felt glad and relieved to know you have her. But if there's something you can't tell her, and you need to talk to someone, you can count on me. You know that, right?"

I nodded and looked at him. That conversation took me back to the year I was using and had to keep it secret from my friends. I knew I could count on Morgan if anything happened, but I really wasn't comfortable sharing my thoughts, feelings, and fears with people. (Y/N) made it so easy. Was it ‘cos I loved her? I just always felt I could tell her anything. That had never happened to me before with anyone.

- "Morgan, Strauss was looking for you,"- Rossi walked into the room holding a cup of coffee and stared at us, raising an eyebrow- "Everything ok?"

- "Yes, we were just going through some files,"- Morgan stood up and grabbed the case folder- "I'll be right back."

- "I'll finish reading all these,"- I said and pointed at the box filled with more files. Morgan nodded and walked away.

- "Do you need any help?"- Seaver walked over that second and smiled at me. I stood up and shook my head.

- "Thanks, but I'm basically done. I'll just go make myself another cup of coffee."

- "I'll go with you!"- she smiled and waited for me by the door. Rossi looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I just cut him a straight smile and walked to the kitchenette, followed closely by Ashley.

(Y/N) walked into the bullpen that minute. I watched her as she opened the glass door and took out her jacket. It felt like the time passed in slow motion as she walked. I couldn't help it, I just smiled as soon as our eyes crushed, and for a few seconds, life was perfect. Just to know she was there, smiling at me made everything worth living.

See why I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling? They would make fun of me. Morgan would never understand the agony and the dimension of my love for her. He would just tease me. I wonder if he had ever actually been in love 'till that point in life.

I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me ‘cos I was sure they would make fun of me, and that was the last thing I needed at that moment. So I did what I knew best: I locked it all inside and waited for it to burn me alive.

- "Good morning, chipmunk!"- I stood by (Y/N)'s side and smiled as she left her things on her desk and turned to me. She just looked into my eyes, and my brain turned into mush.

- "Good morning, honey bunny. Did you sleep well? You look tired."

- "Yeah, I just got up extra early today to help Seaver, and now I was helping Derek with some files."

- "Do you need a hand?"

- "Sure!"- I didn't even analyze my answer. I just spit the words, thinking it would be amazing to spend some time with my friend, working together.

- "Hi (Y/N), how are you?"- that until her face changed completely when Seaver waved at her- "Spencer, do you want me to make your coffee?"- I froze and turned to her in silence.

- "No, thank you. I'll… just… wait a little before having another one. I just had my third cup."

- "Three cups in already"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes and turned to her desk, giving me her back- "How long have you been awake?"

- "Not as long as Morgan, I tell you that,"- I pointed at him, walking out of Strauss's office and heading back to our conference room.

- "Let's help him, then."

(Y/N) walked quickly, and I followed closely. I wished I hadn't said no to that coffee. I really needed one to go through that morning.

During that morning, Derek questioned Sanderson again and finally took him and Rossi back to his house, trying to trigger any memory that might help us crack the case. Meanwhile, the rest of the team and I stayed back in the office, repeatedly going through the case files. So far, all we knew is that a team had attacked Sanderon's home and framed him for the murder of his wife and daughter.

The whole day, I focused on work ‘cos it's my favorite escape, and clearly, there was something more important to think of than whatever was going on with my life. But my head was killing me. The migraines were starting to get more intense, and I think they got worse the more thinking I gave to my relationship with (Y/N).

- "It sounds like we need to profile a dormant killer"- Ashle's voice surprised me when I was pouring myself a cup of fresh coffee in the kitchenette.

- "A very lucky one. He was essentially given a gift, a patsy in the form of Don Sanderson, and he'll do anything to protect that story."- I answered, thinking I didn't want to be in Sanderon's shoes, trying to clear my name of something I hadn't done.

- "When someone has a secret this big, everything becomes a lie."

Somehow, Seaver's words hit me. I'm sure she didn't mean to strike a nerve, but she did. I had been in love with my best friend for too long, and now it was starting to affect my life. I didn't want it to get in the way of work, and we were at work most of our time together. But there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep on faking everything was normal.

- "He'll most likely be pathological,"- I nearly choked at my own words as I tried to shake away the thoughts from my head.

- "So, we're looking for a liar in D. C. I thought we were trying to narrow this down."- Ashley tried to joke and waited for my reaction but didn't get anything. Instead, I just cut her a straight smile and walked away.

By the end of the night, Morgan had gotten the unsub. But I was still a mess. It had been the longest day in weeks, not just ‘cos I had barely slept the night before, but because I was overthinking everything that happened around me. It was exhausting.

- "Are you coming, Batsy?"- (Y/N) asked me and grabbed her bag after putting on her coat. I stood from my desk and nodded.

- "Yes, ma chère."

- "Where are you guys going tonight?"- Derek asked and smiled at us- "No. Don't tell me, planning this year's matching Comic-Con costumes"- I chuckled and probably blushed, busted.

- "We already settled those, Derek. We are way ahead of schedule this year,"- (Y/N) answered and stuck out her tongue to him.

- "(Y/N), can you give me a second before you go?"- Prentiss stood up and smiled at my friend, who just nodded and walked with her to the conference room. Derek and Seaver looked at me.

- "What?"

- "Do you know what's that about?"- Morgan questioned me.

- "I have no idea."

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Please don't freak out,"- Emily smiled and turned to me after she closed the door behind her back- I just needed to clear the air a little bit between us.

- "What? Why? Is there something wrong?"

- "I don't know, I just feel you have been acting weird lately, and I needed to know if it has something to do with me supervising Seaver."

I nearly gasped. Not ‘cos I felt insulted but ‘cos I felt caught. I knew I hadn't been subtle about my feelings for Seaver. I just didn't want them to get in the middle of work.

- "I haven't been weird with you, Emily, and I don't think I've been acting strange."

- "Come on, you don't like Ashley, and I offered to supervise her while she works with us."

- "Yes, but neither of those has anything to do with me and you. We are friends, Emily."

- "I know, and I wanna honor that friendship, (Y/N). I love working with you. I just want you to know I'm not… I just… I'm trying to help Seaver start her career."

- "I understand that. We are ok,"- I tried to reassure her, but I knew she could read between my bullshit.

- "Do you think you could try to be a little bit nicer with her?"

- "Nicer?"

- "Yes, (Y/N). She is making an effort to get along with the team, and you've been giving her the cold shoulder since day one." -I crossed my arms on my chest, obviously annoyed and defensive.

- "I have been friendly with her, Emily. I just don't like her, and you can't force me to be her friend."

In my defense, in my mind, that argument didn't sound as childish as it did when I said it out loud.

- "Don't be selfish! Just because you are jealous, you can't deprive her of the opportunity of a lifetime with this team."

Emily's words were knives against my ego and nearly destroyed my facade. I stared into her eyes and wondered how to get out of that situation without hurting my friend. I could pretend I didn't know what she was talking about, but we both knew that was bullshit. I could actually try to tell her how I felt, but it was so humiliating I refused to open up. So instead, I just nodded and smiled at her.

- "I'm sorry that's how you see me. I'll try to be a better version of myself tomorrow,"- and needless to say, I turned around and left.

- "(Y/N), please wait,"- but I didn't stop walking. I refused to continue talking about Seaver with anyone. I refused to deal with feelings or the real world.

- "Everything ok?"- Spencer asked me the second he saw me appear by his side.

- "Yes,"

- "You are blushing. Did you and Prentiss argue?"

- "No, honey. We didn't argue. She just wanted to check on me ‘cos she was worried I was mad at her. But that's all."- Spencer just nodded and looked at me in silence.- "Why don't we just go home and forget about today, honey?"

Easier said than done.

So Seaver was getting under my skin. And it was getting harder to control. That week was hell, and I didn't want to show it. Eventually, I talked with Emily again, and I tried to explain to her I wasn't being mean with Seaver. I just didn't like her. And though I gave Emily my word to be friendlier with Ashley, the circumstances weren't really helping.

Things didn't get any better than Friday night. No, if anything, that was the night that made it all worse. Prentiss, JJ, and I got together at Garcia's house and had a few drinks before leaving for Anderson's birthday. I was making my biggest effort to have fun and ease my mind. Spencer said he wasn't sure he'd make it ‘cos he was tired, and automatically I almost turned out the whole deal, but Penelope literally dragged me to her house and put a beer in my hand.

- "You, my young lady, are going to put some makeup on, a hot dress, and we are going to party!"

- "But PG, I'm not…"- but she didn't let me out of it. Instead, she shushed me and raised an eyebrow, looking pretty convincing.

- "No "but." You are going. End of the conversation."

So she dragged me to the bar, along with Prentiss and JJ, who had left Will with little Henry to join us for what was promised to be one epic girl's night.

Anderson was so happy to see us. He was a sweetheart who was always willing to help us. I knew technically he didn't work at the BAU, but he was always there whenever we needed him. We all felt he was part of the team.

- "Sonny!!"- I yelled and hugged him tight

- "I'm so glad you girls made it!!"- and his smile was priceless- "JJ!!"- he actually yelled when he saw her and ran to give her a triple bear hug.

- "Grant Anderson!! I can't believe it's really you!!"

- "I've missed you so much!! How's Henry?"

- "So big!! I feel I haven't been out with friends in so long!"- JJ looked around, and her face kept lighting up as she recognized more friends and acquaintances from Quantico. I looked around and recognized Morgan already flirting with a woman at the other side of the bar.

- "Looks like chocolate thunder knows how to keep himself busy,"- I joked, and Garcia turned immediately.

- "Have you ever seen him shirtless?"- she asked in a lower voice and leaned a little closer to me, just to make sure no one would listen- "I'm sure it's illegal looking so good in real life."

I laughed and turned to see Prentiss walk to the bar to get us the first round of drinks. Ok, I'll admit it, I was having a great time. I know I didn't want to go at first, but spending time with my work friends and not just with Spencer was refreshing. Not that I didn't do fun things with the rest of the team, but my relationship with Spencer, I mean the friendship that pretty much looked like a relationship, consumed most of my time. But I just loved being with Reid more than anything.

But one night without him wasn't going to be the end of the world. Right?

Right.

Anderson and I danced and laughed. It was all very innocent. And though I've never considered myself a hot chick or whatever, a few guys asked if they could get me drinks, and I kindly declined. I wasn't looking for a one-night stand or anything. I just wanted to have fun with my friends.

- "And where's Reid?"- Anderson asked as we reached our table, where Prentiss and JJ were catching up and laughing.

- "Home, he said he was tired."

- "And? When are you two going to come clean about your relationship? You know, having the confirmation of your romance would be the best birthday present you could ever give me."

- "Grant Anderson, you nosy bastard!!"- I hit his arm and heard his laughter- "You know we are not dating!"

- "Come on!! I mean it! You have to get together! You are like the FBI sweethearts!!"

- "Shut your face!"- Anderson laughed even harder and took a look around the bar

- "So, if you are not dating Spencer, I have a friend who asked about you."

- "Who? What friend? Is he here?"- Garcia shouted question after question as she had overheard the whole conversation and even moved closer.

- "His name is James. He saw you on the news a few months ago, at a press conference with Rossi, and has been asking about you ever since."

I frowned and looked at Garcia, who was wide-eyed staring at Anderson. I had no idea what was going on. It was bizarre.

- "No, thank you?"- I whispered, not even sure of what I should answer at that- "I'm very flattered, Grant, but… I'm really not looking for someone right now."

- "You are not?"- Garcia asked me, and I just shook my head.

- "No, I have too much going on in my life, with work and… well… what we do…"

- "Really?"- Anderson sounded a little disappointed- "Well, in case you change your mind, James is…"

- "(Y/N)? Can I talk to you for a second?"- Garcia grabbed my arm and crawled me to a side of the bar.

- "What? What is it?"

- "Munchkin, you know I love you."

- "Yes, I love you too, PG."

- "That's why I feel like I need to be honest with you, ‘cos you've always been so sweet, and we've known each other for years now, and I feel like if I don't tell you this, you are never going to forgive me."- Penelope was nearly hyperventilating as she spoke.

- "Ok, what is it? You are scaring me."

- "You have to tell Reid how you feel."

- "What?"

- "He has to know! You have to tell him!"

- "I don't wanna talk about what, Penelope"- I tried to walk away from her, but she stopped me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.

- "No, (Y/N). He loves you, I'm not a profiler, I don't even play one on tv, but I am sure what I see in his eyes when he looks at you is love… ‘cos it's the same you have when you look at him!"

- "Son of a bitch!!"- the words escaped my lips as my heart nearly left my chest.

- "No, (Y/N)!"- but Garcia lost my attention that second, ‘cos all I could see was Spencer Walter Reid walking into the bar and Ashley Seaver hanging from his arm.

- "What do you want me to tell him, Garcia? To have fun with his new girlfriend?"- I pointed at the door, and her jaw nearly hit the floor.

- "Ok, no. There has to be a reasonable explanation for that!"

- "Yes, but Spencer being in love with me is not the explanation. I'm gonna get a drink."

Spencer's point of view

I was surprised to get Ashley's phone call that night. When my phone rang, I was ready to go to bed. My head was killing me. I had already scheduled an appointment with the doctor for some exams. I was starting to have a bad feeling about what those headaches really were, and I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on. Not even (Y/N).

Actually, of all people, she was the one I wanted to keep in the dark. Why? ‘Cos ever since we met she had taken care of me, I didn't think it was fair. She had taken me into her life and given me a place in it. And sometimes, I felt I was a burden. She helped me overcome all of my traumas and even my drug addiction. She introduced me to her best friends and made me part of her life. (Y/N) had taken trips with me to Las Vegas just to see my mom, ‘cos she knew it was hard for me to do it on my own. If it hadn't been for her, I would have probably spent over a year without visiting her. Now, we took a weekend to see mom every few months.

Why would I trouble her with some headaches? It wasn't fair.

When Ashley called, for a moment, I thought it might be (Y/N), asking me to pick her up. But no. It wasn't her that time.

- "Hey Spence, I'm sorry to bother you, but… are you at Anderson's party?"

- "No, actually, I'm in my house."

- "Why? I thought you were invited too."

- "Yeah, I know, and I was, but I'm kind of tired, and I wanted to come home and get some rest. Why? Are you at the party?"

- "No, but I was getting ready to go. But now I feel kind of awkward asking you."

- "What? What is it?"

- "I just… wanted to know if you could come with me. I'm so sorry, Spence, I didn't know you were tired. I just… I wanted to go to the party, but I feel kind of silly going alone. I wanted to ask Prentiss, but she left with (Y/N) and Garcia, and I felt so awkward asking…"

I wanted to groan, roll in my bed and hide under my pillow. But Ashley was the new girl, and she deserved to have some fun.

- "Don't worry, I'll take you there,"- I know I whispered my answer ‘cos I didn't really want to do it, but somehow I felt it was my duty.

- "Really?!"- and by the excitement in Ashley's voice, it was clear that was what she wanted to hear.

- "I'll pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

- "Thank you so much, Spence!!"

But when I walked into the bar, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt it in my guts. The same intuition I never followed in my personal life, only on the field.

I quickly looked around as Ashley held on to my arm tightly and walked into the bar with a big smile. I soon found Prentiss and JJ talking at a table filled with empty glasses, and my heart jumped inside my chest at the warm, familiar feeling that my friends gave me. I missed JJ very much. And not just as a team member but as a friend who had been taken away from us. (Y/N) always said I didn't know how to deal with change, neither did she, and the shifts in the team always affected me.

Soon I saw Morgan too, talking with Anderson and some other agents. Garcia had to be close then, but I couldn't see her or (Y/N) anywhere around.

- "Come on! Let's get a drink!"- Ashley said and crawled me to the bar.

- "I don't drink and drive"- I said, and she pouted.

- "Come on! You are no fun! Just one!"

- "No, just water. Thanks,"- I turned and scanned the place. Everybody was there, and they seemed to be having fun. Penelope waved and walked to me suddenly. She cut me a short smile and grabbed my arm.

- "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?"

- "I didn't want to come, but Ashley insisted and…"

- "Hi!"- Ashley appeared by our side and handed me a bottle of water- "I'm so excited to be here! We really needed to decompress after everything that happened this week, right Garcia?"

Penelope stared at us, trying to formulate an answer. I could see her making her bet to say something, but she just didn't. Instead, she just turned around and walked away.

- "Is she ok?"- I didn't know how to answer that, ‘cos Penelope's reaction surprised me. Ashley just looked around and grabbed my arm again.

- "Come on, Spencer! Let's dance!"

- "No, I don't… dance, sorry."

Lucky for me, Prentiss showed up and invited us to sit with her at her table. I don't know if she noticed I was uncomfortable, but I was glad to see her. Being in that bar made me feel pretty awkward and exposed.

I had never been much of a party person. I wasn't used to bars and gatherings until I joined the BAU. When I first met Derek, he tried to take me out a few times and be my wingman. It's obvious he failed at that mission. Meeting people at a bar is the most complicated equation I could ever try to solve. It doesn't work for me, no matter how hard Derek pushed me to do it. He said I had to rely on what made me feel comfortable. But no. It wasn't that I couldn't meet people. It was that I didn't want to meet anyone once I met the woman of my dreams. Even when I knew she could never be mine.

When (Y/N) came along, she started hosting these fun "dinner parties" with Frank, Lu, and Mikey, which changed everything. It was the first time I was hanging out with people my age doing things I actually liked doing. It wasn't about drinking or picking girls in a bar. It was about playing Jenga, or charades, eating pizza, and talking about movies and sometimes even books.

(Y/N) said her friends considered me part of the gang, which was all I ever wanted to hear. That I belonged. It's kind of sad when you think about it, but I don't care. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere, and they made me feel like I was one of them. They took me to their rock shows, and I jumped along with the crowd, knowing I wasn't an outcast there. I was with my friends.

You don't know how good that made me feel. And for years, they were my social comfort and cocoon. Then, when Rossi joined the BAU again, he started hosting fancy dinner parties at his house, and I got to hang out with the whole team without being at a bar, pushed to meet people. And it was so good. (Y/N) always said Rossi's arrival had a cohesive effect on us. Not because he brought us together, but the circumstances of his arrival and everything that happened that first year.

This team is no stranger to trauma, and that's a fact. I think Rossi's dinner parties gave us a space to be ourselves, relax, have a few drinks and enjoy our time together. I think that's when we stepped from being friends to be family.

And I hadn't had one before.

I hugged JJ tight as soon as I saw her smiling at me. I hadn't seen her ever since her goodbye party, over two months before, but we had talked on the phone a few times.

- "I've missed you so much, Spence!!"- she said and held my face with both hands- "You and (Y/N) owe me two babysit nights,"- and I laughed, thinking we promised we'd take care of Henry so she and Will could have a date, but we were called for a case.

- "Wait! It was one night!"- I argued, chuckling- "Why is it two nights now?"

- "‘Cos I lost a very exclusive reservation due to the two of you."

- "Technically, it wasn't our fault, we were called in for a case..."

I smiled and sat next to JJ, and Prentiss sat next to me. Ashley stood by the table and smiled at JJ. Right, they didn't even know each other.

- "It's very nice to meet you, Agent Jareau. The team talks very highly of you,"- she shook JJ's hand and smiled.

- "Ashley, right? Prentiss was just telling me you will be taking your remedial training at the BAU. Congratulations, it's a fantastic team to work with."

- "Thank you,"- I took a look around, still trying to find my best friend around. But it seemed useless, and I was starting to feel worried.

- "Where's (Y/N)?"- I had to ask.

- "She was with Anderson a minute ago,"- Penelope said and looked around- "I am going to look for her and bring her here in a second. I'll be right back."

And so, she was gone.

Prentiss and I pretty much interrogated JJ about her new job and the new team she worked with at the pentagon. I sipped my water and half-listened her answer, ‘cos most of my head was trying to register what was going on around me. No, actually, I was trying to find (Y/N). Penelope had been gone for half an hour looking for her, and I was starting to think something weird was going on. Besides, my head was killing me, and all I wanted was to go home. But I hadn't seen JJ in weeks, and I couldn't waste a chance like that.

Ashley talked with Prentiss too, and every once in a while, she tried to engage in conversation with me. But to be honest, I couldn't really concentrate on anything. I just wanted to know (Y/N) was alright.

- "Excuse me,"- I stood up slowly and looked at my friends- "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back."

- "Can you get us another round on our way back?"- Prentiss asked and smiled guiltily.

- "Sure."

- "Do you need help?"- Ashley tried to stand up, but Emily stopped her.

- "He got it, don't worry."

So I was left on my own. I walked around the bar. In my mind, I kept telling myself I was "looking for the bathroom," but I knew very well I was indeed trying to find (Y/N). I had been in that bar for an hour, and I still hadn't seen her. I was worried.

I walked around the bar and found Anderson. He seemed to be a little shocked to see me there but smiled and hugged me. It was weird hugging people, still. But Anderson was part of the team. It always felt like it. We had known each other for years, and somehow it was like he was in the background of our daily basics.

- "Have you seen (Y/N)?"- I asked him, and he widened his eyes- "What?"

- "Yeah, she's right there, actually… "- Grant Anderson pointed and turned around- "Later, Reid."

- "Bye"- I didn't even look at him. I just turned and looked around to see (Y/N).

But my best friend didn't notice me. She was too busy kissing some guy.

I stood in front of her, not knowing what to do. Her eyes were closed, and her arms were around his neck, so clearly, she wasn't in distress, and no matter how badly I wanted to take her from him, I just couldn't.

For a minute, I couldn't believe my eyes. I just stood there and stared at (Y/N), trying to understand what was going on. I always knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had never gotten such a brutal reminder. Not even when she was dating Paul. Watching her kissing someone else was shocking. The way that man put his hands on her waist and held her close to him, just like I always dreamt of doing, was painful.

Painful. That was the only word I can explain how it felt.

I stood there for a minute or so. I really don't know how long it was, but it felt long enough to burn in my memory everything I needed to torture myself with for the rest of my life. I stepped back after a minute. It might have been longer; I really can't recall. And all I managed to do was to walk out of the bar and reach my car.

I opened the door and slammed it as I sat behind the wheel. I wanted to cry and yell. But I didn't do either of those. Instead, I stayed still, staring at the nothing in front of me, trying to erase that fresh memory from my head. But it was impossible. (Y/N) was making out with some guy inside that bar, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. So I did the only thing I could do at that minute. I started the car and got the fuck out of there.

–

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: June 23th, 2021

[littlemisspascal]

Ezra’s Journal Entries #4-6

Fandom: Prospect / Pedro Pascal

Pairing: Ezra x Female!Reader

Word Count: 1,133

Summary:  I don’t deserve you, little love of mine. Not one damn piece of you.

Warnings: angsty fluff, night terrors, PTSD, Ezra dealing with the aftermath of the Green, language, 1st person POV (Ezra), dialogue in italics because that’s just how I chose to do it, overuse of space metaphors, no beta so all mistakes are mine

Author Note: As always, thank you readers for your support! All the love to each one of you! Hope you like these new segments 💖

Entries #1-3 #7-9

Cross-posted on AO3

Look for additional notes at the bottom.

I feel a little less torn after speaking with Cee, hearing her voice crackling across the radio regale me with details of her current studies at Cero Tol, the latest novel she’s devouring, the daytrip she made to Lao to collect shells for an art project—it reminds me there was a sliver of profound goodness to come out of my otherwise disastrous journey to the Green. She rambles and babbles and laughs at her tongue’s inability to keep up with all she has to share. Her soul has found exactly what it has always yearned for: a life of her own making.

For all that she lost on the Green, she has adapted to her new path and overcome every obstacle with the same bullheaded determination a helianthus possesses. Never losing sight of her goals just as the flower never loses sight of the sun. 

I must admit I’d been reluctant to split ways with her after our perilous escape from the Green—after all, nothing bonds people together faster than the collaboration of slicing off an arm and creaming the gaping wound shut, then immediately engaging in a bloody conflict with heavily armed mercs—but she deserved better than to live a floater’s life tainted by a lack of morals and the uncertainty of not knowing if she would survive from one sunrise to the next.

She deserved to live a life amongst her own peers. To rouse that spark of creativity her father tried to extinguish. To turn gold in all the ways I cannot. 

Sending her to school was worth every point and credit we managed to scrape together. Still, I remember how bittersweet it felt watching that little bird, ever so fearless in the face of sudden change, march right up the ramp of the freighter at the Pug, determined to make me and you proud by excelling at the academy. Standing amongst the sea of parents waving goodbye to their children, I wrapped my arm around your waist, rested my head atop yours, and forced myself to swallow a harsh pill of truth.

With or without me in her life, Cee is going to be just fine.

I remember how you swung our linked hands as we walked back to our ship, your sweet voice a soothing balm easing the ache of my melancholic heart. Ezra, she’s fierce and bold and strong. That little golden child is going to have her name written in the stars one day.

Kevva do I hope I live to see your vision come true.

First thing I remember noticing about you was your eyes. Remember how I caught you staring at me from across the bar? You looked at me like I was your North Star pointing you home, like I was something shiny and special. You scared the fuck out of me. It’s the worst thing I ever thought, but it’s true. I would have fled the scene if your gaze hadn’t anchored my soul. 

You introduced yourself, and I knew goodbye would never be a word exchanged between us. No, we became a pair of binary stars, constantly orbiting each other round and round, hello again and see you soon. Falling in love with you was inevitable. The Currents designed you perfect for me. Designed you with meteorite in your bones and sunlight on your lips and all the constellations sparkling in your eyes. There is no grander form of paradise than to feel you beneath my hand. There is no comparison. No second place contender. Just you, your tender heart, and the galaxies you contain. 

Sometimes, late at night when you’re asleep and my thoughts are too loud for my head, I stare at the ceiling and speculate about alternate verses. Verses starring another me and another you crisscrossing each other’s paths as we’re pulled across the galaxy by our heartstrings. Somewhere, there is another me who never escapes the ruthlessness of the Green and breathes my last with Inumon’s knife in my lungs. Another me who will never know the emotional and physical anguish that accompanies the loss of a limb. Another me who pulls the thrower’s trigger without hesitation, firing a shot between the wide eyes of an innocent girl. Another me who ignores the temptation of harvesting aurelac in hopes of making a reputable name for myself. 

Somewhere, there is another me who ran away from another you.

And it pains me to wonder if perhaps you’re happier never knowing me.

I speculate about those two most of all.

I woke up to screaming. My mind was a tangled mess, caught between the thin barriers separating reality from dreamscape, and I was truly convinced my head would explode from the noise. Inumon wouldn’t stop screaming no matter how hard I squeezed my fingers, no matter how much of my bulk I pressed down upon her. It’s me! She wailed like an animal in a trap, sensing impending doom but unable to flee from it. It’s me, it’s me, it’s me! Please, Ezra!

A thought crossed my mind, as sudden and blinding as a shooting star streaking through the midnight sky, and I found myself incapable of ignoring it. How does she know my name? I had cloaked my identity using a dead man’s name. It wasn’t feasible for her to know the truth or for the sound of my name coming out of her mouth to set my skin aflame. 

There aren’t words to describe the horror which consumed me when I looked down upon your tear-stained face. 

My mama once told me everybody’s a sinner. We have wickedness embedded in our cells from womb to tomb. It buries its roots deep, resistant to our attempts to rid ourselves of its corruption, and waits for the precise moment to inflict pain upon those we love most. Those who choose to love us despite the warning signs.

In the aftermath, when my fucking fingerprints were smudged across your throat blue and purple, you held me like I was a human and not a monster or a vexation or a broken thing to toss aside. I couldn’t stop trembling, couldn’t stop my mind from conjuring a torturous loop of what ifs. 

What if I hadn’t stopped myself? What if you hadn’t broken the nightmare’s spell? What if your last word had been my name? 

Hush, you whispered. My tremors worsened upon hearing the raspy quality of your voice and you pressed your lips to my forehead. An undeserved benediction. I’m here. You haven’t lost me. 

I don’t deserve you, little love of mine. Not one damn piece of you. If I could I’d give you the whole galaxy, but I only have one hand and it terrifies me to risk letting you go. Forgive me, please, for asking you to stay with me.

Forgive me for how much I dearly love you.

Notes:

Cero Tol is a made up academy based on Cerro Tololo Inter-American Observatory located in Chile. 

Lao is an island planet(?) mentioned in Prospect. Damon tells Cee she was born there.

Helianthus is the genus for sunflowers. I liked the fanciness of it 🙂

Points were referenced in Prospect as a type of currency. Credits are a Star Wars form of currency that I thought would also be fitting to use.

Binary Stars =  a system of two stars in which one star revolves around the other or both revolve around a common center.

I like to think there are alternate realities or a multiverse. It’s fun to imagine all the different possibilities another me is experiencing. 

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why guns in Prospect are called throwers, but that’s what the creators decided so that’s the terminology I’ll use too.

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