#it's so instilled into him recalls it even after the brain trauma

[maegalkarven]

So look in my mercy mirror.

m!Dark Urge x Gortash, m!Dark Urge x Astarion.

Redeemed!Durge (but not morally), good run.

The team confronts Lord Gortash in his keep.

Karlach wants to kill the man; June has another idea.

TW: tadpoling (not graphic), June refers to Gortash solely by his name.

What are you doing?

Emperor’s voice rings in his ears - in his mind - slightly tinted with suspicion. Funny, for how much the mindflayer insists June can trust it, it doesn’t seem to trust June at all.

You said I need to gather my allies, he replies absentmindedly, hands working on taking this damn cork off and opening the bottle. Such a small thing it is, and how much it contains.

Enver was personally responsible for the creation of this new, nether-touched illithid parasite.

Enver and him; the details are hazy, but June can easily see himself fit into the narrative the lordling painted for him. He can see himself, on top of the world, with crown of Karsus in his hands, ready to conquer the entire Toriel for his father.

What a fool he was.

It’s changed now. He is a changed man.

“June?” Karlach looks uncertain and that hurts.

Hadn’t she learned by now to trust his judgment, had he not proved himself to be a good, loyal friend? The mere fact what she doubts him still is simply unacceptable.

She’ll see, June knows. Once he puts his plan in action, she will see the brilliance of it.

What use Enver’s death would be to her? It would not turn back the time, it would not give her back her heart or ten years of her life.

But this? This can turn the tide.

“It’s alright,” he smiles, but for some reason she doesn’t smile back. Damn it, did the smile come out wrong again? “Just hold him firm.”

She complies, but looks even more unsettled.

“This is...Not what I’ve expected,” Karlach admits. “You...What are you going to do with this thing?”

June smiles; this time the smile comes out right.

“I am going to fix it.”

Enver lets out a deep, throaty chuckle.

“And there I was, concerned they’ve somehow ruined you,” for a man beaten bloody and pressed down the cold tile floor he looks surprisingly content. “Worried Orin damaged your brain too much and somehow turned you into...” he trails off. “But I was a fool to fear that. No, you’re just as you’ve always been.” Another annoyingly long pause and then- “You’re going to tadpole me.”

“Yes,” June smiles.

Of course Enver of all people would understand.

He pulls the specimen out of its glass cage and holds between his fingers. Gently, ever so gently.

Enver’s eyes trail the movement.

“We worked so hard on these curious little things; you’ve worked so hard on them. It would be a shame for you to not test out your own creation, would it not?”

“June,” Wyll calls out and June doesn’t need to turn around to know his friend looks downright horrified.

Why can’t they see?

This is the right thing to do. Death is too simple, too easy. This? This will give Enver a chance to atone for his crimes. No, it will downright force him to cooperate.

And cooperation is exactly what June needs.

He is in your head, comes out an echo of a conversation long passed. Gortash, Gortash, Gortash – this damned lordling is all you can speak of these days! I doubt father approves of that, brother dear.

But June doesn’t care if father approves anymore. June doesn’t do his father’s bidding.

He is a free man, a free and a good man. And if he can change like that, who knows how Enver could?

“This is a chance,” he thinks and realizes he’s spoken aloud. “To work together. To fix the mess we’ve started. To make things right.”

“This is wrong,” Wyll argues. “You know this is wrong, June-“

“Juniper,” Enver speaks. There’s a strange glint in his eyes and it takes June some time to decipher it. There’s dread, of course, but also...Satisfaction? Like this is expected outcome. Like this aligns with Enver Gortash’s image of the world.

June frowns.

“You look entirely too pleased, my dear,” he comments lightly, crouching down to Enver’s level. The parasite dangles from his fingers, sharp jaws opening and closing in a rather rhythmical manner. As if it senses the prey nearby.

Enver manages a weak shrug, still pressed firmly down; Karlach looks distressed but her hold does not waver.

“No sense to panic over something I can’t change, is there?” True, but that does not explain the smugness. “And it’s a relief.”

“A relief?” June slowly reaches out, hand getting closer and closer to Enver’s face. Did he caress this face before? Were they that close?

The deep, annoying longing inside insists they were.

Close. Closer than Bhaal would permit, perhaps. Was he the reason for June’s little rebellion?

If so, it’s only right to repay for that.

“This thing with Selûne,” Enver frowns. “It was entirely...anticlimactic. I am glad you’re as ruthless as I recall you to be.”

June frowns right back.

“You’re delusional,” he replies. “I was ruthless once, but no more. This is mercy. I am sparing you, sparing your life. Enver, I am your savior.”

That makes the lordling look even more smug.

“Of course you are,” he smiles as if he knows something June does not. Annoying. “Now, shouldn’t you cut this ‘will he, won’t he’ business and finally-“

His voice cuts short as June drops the parasite on his face, as close to the eyes as he manages.

The creature crawls up and immediately buries itself into the depths of Enver’s skull. Clever little thing.

June watches, fascinated, as the man struggles while parasite takes a hold on him.

Then he raises an artifact.

Emperor? He calls out. Will you do the honors?

Of course.

A wave of pcionic power washes over them and Enver’s mind clears. He blinks; once, twice, brushes the uncalled tears away. Then looks up, straight at June.

“Not too bad,” comments plainly, asshole. Like June didn’t just turn his life upside down. “I assume you’ll force me to comply with your clever plans now?”

“Of course,” June thought it was rather obvious. “Now we’re going to save the day like the true heroes we are,” he smiles. “We don’t need any gods for that, we don’t need any cults. Bhaal and Bane can fight over the rubbish all they want, but we know better. We are going to have Baldur’s Gate eating from our palms. But first,” he feels his smile turn slightly malicious. “We’ll visit an old acquaintance. Halsik has everything prepared and stands at the ready.”

At that Enver perks up.

“You’re dragging me to Hell,” he comments rather cheerfully. “Again. If I didn’t know better, I’d think a trip to Hell is your idea of a date.”

June snorts, and Karlach snorts, and even Astarion, who was mostly silent through the entire encounter, snorts, though his snort is more unkind than the others'.

“No, silly,” June drags his hands up Enver’s torso until they lay placidly on his chest. Warm, he notices absentmindedly. Warm and familiar. Selûne’s Grace, am I in love with this man?

That would be...unfortunate, all things considered. But not entirely unexpected.

“We are going to break into the House of Hope,” he feels Enver stil underneath the touch. “I assume you’re more than familiar with the place, are you not?”

The lordling wets his lips, then grasps June and uses him as a leverage to stand up. Karlach almost doesn’t let him, but June waves her off and she, rather begrudgingly, lets go of the man.

There’s still a sense of unease about her, unease and...A hint of distrust? Of him, of June?  But he is fixing things, surely she knows that!

“And what exactly are you planning to get there?”

Enver is close, gods, he is so close and his breath is warm on June’s forehead and it’s hard to think- Fuck, they definitely were lovers and June is definitely not over it. Astarion is going to kill him. Or worse, going to be hurt by him, by that. Stop, stop, stop, he needs to stop-

Two things happen at once.

Enver’s hand finds its place on June’s waist and takes a sure, firm hold of it.

Astarion’s mind, gentle in a way a mind of a man intimately familiar with all the ways personal boundaries can be broken, making damn sure he is not breaking and entering into the depths of June’s mind unwelcome, brushes past him.

June lets him in.

Stop fucking fidgeting, his glorious lover complains immediately. You’re giving the bastard a leverage over yourself.

I’m sorry, June immediately blurts and does it with such a force he is sure both Karlach and Wyll heard him. He avoids thinking of Gortash being linked to them the same way now. I’m sorry, I didn’t know, or maybe I did, but didn’t want to acknowledge it, but he’s here and he is so close and I- I am sorry, I am so, so-

Do you take me for an idiot? Comes out a huff and how did Astarion manage to huff through a mental link? You might have emotional intelligence of a redcap, but I’ve been aware you two knew each other on a level what’s far beyond any niceties the moment Gortash stopped his own coronation to gape at you.

He didn’t gape at me, June argues, thought he isn’t so sure now. Was Enver gaping at him? He sure looked friendly, much friendlier than Ketheric and Orin combined. But gaping?

He stopped his coronation, Astarion repeats. To come down from his high horse and chat with you. To welcome you back. He took control over one of his steelwatchers simply to invite you to the damn thing. And you- now there’s an actual, visible huff coming from his lover.

June catches Enver watching Astarion closely; a loose, entirely self-satisfied smile on his lips, hand still on June’s waist, head leaning on his. Enver invades June’s personal space like it’s his life goal, like instilling his presence in June’s life is something he has at his top priority.

This is...flattering.

“No, the fuck, it isn’t,” Karlach says aloud, and it’s a cue for June to realize he might have been thinking too loudly. “This is disgusting is what it is, I can’t believe you would-“

“My sweet June has his strong suits and his weak ones,” Astarion speaks, giving Gortash the smile so sharp it should’ve splinted the man in half. “His awful taste in men is, admittedly, one of the later. Not me, of course,” he chuckles, but June hears the underlying self-degrading tone noneless. They should’ve made Cazador Szarr suffer more. “But other,”  vampire spawn gestures at Gortash. “Lesser men.”

“Lesser, you say?” And of fucking course Enver would take the bait. “I would-“

“Enough,” Wyll all but barks and for once they all comply. “We have bigger things to worry about but you two fighting over June’s affections,” June catches Karlach make a gagging face at that and Enver sending her a rude gesture in response.

Children, he is surrounded by literal children. Worst of all, these children are the ones saving the world with him. Ridiculous.

“Right, right,” he sends a grateful smile Wyll’s way and is relieved to see the man smile back just as warmly. At least someone is in his corner. Someone other than Astarion, but that’s given; June and Astarion are bound for life now, for as long as both of them live.

Admittedly, said life might include Astarion murdering June’s former, current – who could tell? – tyrannical lover in a cold blood. Or hot blood. In a pool of blood, definitely.

June isn’t even sure he would be very angry about it, mostly just...sad? He does seem to care for the said tyrant a lot. Oh, bother.

“We are going to break into the House of Hope,” he reminds these literal children who now are making faces at each other. If anything, seeing Karlach and Enver flip each other off would work for an evening entertainment. June will have to work on this destrusting undertone of her; talk her through it, explain things.

Karlach is a good person, she will understand. June is sure of it.

They’re doing this for the greater good.

“For what?” Enver cuts the chase off. “I assume not to make a deal with Raphael, he usually comes to his victims himself.”

“No,” June agrees. “Not for that, though he tried to strike a deal. He needs the Crown of Karsus, you see? And has something we need. But luckily, Raphael was kind enough to let us know he has it.”

“And why would we strike a deal with him,” Astarion hums. “When we can simply take what we need?”

“Exactly.”

Enver smiles.

“You are planning to steal from him.”

“No,” June leans into him almost involuntarily. He smells...good. He smells familiar. He smells like home. “We are going to steal from him. You,” a sharp nail hits Enver in the chest. The hand is immediately grabbed and held firm. “Are going with us. Care for some heist, my dear lord? Not Mephopheles’ vault, I’m afraid, but just enough for an evening entertainment.”

Enver smiles, wide and sharp and entirely wicked. An evil smile, people would call it. How he managed to convince people of the Baldurs Gate he is not villainous villain is beyond June’s comprehension. By brainwashing them, most likely.

“When let’s rob the devil,” the lordling speaks.

Then he kisses June.

And June can finally breathe.

[magnoliamyrrh]

i was sexually abused as a child, it happened in kindergarten and because of the culture of silence and fear that was instilled in 5yo me and not wanting to bother my dad lest he would want to spend even less time with me, i had no brains to protect myself. when the abuse became known to my teacher, they did little to protect me and my mother had to go through hell to change things for me. in my memory the culprit was a classmate of mine, who would also get other boys to watch, but for the longest time i have the blurry memory that there was an adult there, a cook lady also involved in different capacities, laughing, telling him what to do and staying with me afterwards, opening the closet door for him, even holding me touching me, its all so blurry. she also would not let me go piss to the point where i pissed myself and sat in my soils for hours. it has made me disgusted with myself for remembering and for forgetting at the same time, and the fact that my whole family knew for the longest time and dismissed it as something small that i won't even remember and leaving it to my poor mother who had to deal with my wounds and trauma and nightmares and screams and detachment... imagining your 5yo having utis constantly and having to explain the situation to doctors makes me scream and i am still so angry and fearfull. i don't know how people have children

the boy who did it kept reminding me any time i would encounter him later in life, we went to the same school for two years when i was 7-8 and he would leave notes for me. and therapists have encouraged me to forgive and recognise he was also a child dealing with his own trauma and he did have to change groups because of what he did but i the pride he displayed is something i can't forget and it makes me lose faith in people any time my brain recalls it.

huge part of it is how mind-blowingly poor my country was in 2000s. our kindergarten group was 50 people with 2 teachers changing shifts, the cook had to take care of kids. and i feel this was largely preventable and i hate my family for putting me in that situation. and this is the first time im saying it, but i do, i do hate them. worse happened to me in the years after which was also ignored and minimized. i will never feel clean i will never feel normal i ran away so far and cringe at the thought of going back home and facing these buildings, the backdrop of my abuse.

i agree with you, we have so normalised sexualising children in the balkans, to the point where adults don't recognise sexual abuse as such. i grew up wanting to be ugly, wanting to be undesirable, i would fall on purpose so my legs scar, and keep my arms and pits hairy, i hid my face under my hair and cried for days when they forcefully cut it. i was glad when i broke my nose and even when I chipped my tooth because it made my smile all crooked. my mum was not talking to me, and sadly proclaimed it made me ugly. and i know it did, i knew it undercut my value but was that really so bad?my dad had always commented on my looks so much and how fat my ass is and how undesirable i am but from him it felt different. i had to walk that line my whole life and am completely exhausted.

tbh, ive never said it all so firmly and coherently, i am just dropping it here because i know you will understand and pray for me in your own way, the same i do when i experience your writing. i feel like all concrete that we have to walk on in this wretched world is seeing each other. nothing is unknowable and noone is invisible. and only thing that has helped me in my life has been knowing and seeing others, and letting their pain mark my soul in a prayer.

hey anon <3 i published this bc i wanted to give an answer and i think it can b helpful and a little less lonely at times for other ppl to hear other ppls experiences, but pls send me a message and let me know if you want me to delete this and i will

im really sorry for all that u went through. its just horrible and i wish you hadnt and im sorry and i wish i could give you a hug, but thank u for opening up to me. i do very much get it. im glad my rambelings have been of some comfort, thats part of why i keep this blog as a public diary and im rather unfiltered, bc id hope ppl who have been through similar things would find some solace in knowing theyre not. alone w it.... i thought i was alone w a lot of things for a such a long time.. i didnt say anything about anything for such a long time. youre right, you said it well. the world is so often such a cruel and cold, vile deranged nightmare and i think one of the only things that really matters is caring about other people and not letting all the bullshit kill your soul...one of the only things thats kept me sane is knowing other people who fucking get it. i hope finally being able to write it out has been of some help. i will v much keep u in my prayers <3 and feel free to reach out or vent anytime

... and yes the povery is in general a rly big issue in a lot of this and issues related to it i feel. growing up at my kindergarten it wasnt quite as bad, but we had two teachers to watch... 40+ kids at least and things would often get out of hand and yea, with us the cook or other random facility would often have to watch us too. as the years went on the school had less money and it got worse. i remember during naptime there wouldnt b enough teachers to watch us or theyd just fuck off and not care so this group of mean,, particularly girls but some boys would literally step on us and jump on us and say mean shit etc etc. and i remember for so many years going to the bathroom as girls was just a nightmare - wed all go together bc going alone was too dangerous and when we tried some of us ended up w boys trying to barge into the stalls and pulling at our underwear and trying to get their hands in more than once and we got sick of it,, so some girls would always have to stay in the door and try to keep it shut bc boys were so vehement on barging in. gross af, and it was scary, even at that age they were like demons and sex pests, and the teachers that were there far from did a good job at keeping that shit under control.... and im really sorry again. any adult who does that sort of shit is just deranged - the sort who work around kids only to have access to them and feel power. if it makes you feel a lil better, in kindergarten there was this woman who was particularly,,, cold, who just would not let me go to the bathroom during naptime for what seemed like no other reason than her being a cruel controlling bitch - which, having a bad bladder and utis and never being able to fall asleep, and being afraid to go to the bathroom at a normal time bc of the boys, i almost always needed to. and she wouldn't let me and shed insult me and threathen to beat me if i asked, i think one time at least she did actually beat me, so id either spend that time trying not to go which really fucking hurt, or not being able to help it and having to deal w the aftermath. and of course shed get mad at me for that too. gross and frustrating and i really hated her

.... but yea. i think the poverty and things being normalized in the balkans and children being more vulnerable are connected. like to an extent its an education and poverty issue bc not only is it normalized in society but many ppl have no idea what the signs of sa on a kid are, so they dont know what to look out for even if they cared, and they're not educated on ,, basic child psychology. or theyre so overworked they dont have the time, or they emigrate to another country to work and leave their kids with extended family who also dont know.... even the huge trafficking issue we have. so much of that has to do w poverty and desperation and taking advantage of vulnerable poor kids and teens. even the teen pregnancy and high infant mortality rate we have,, lack of education, poverty, and the normalization of adult men sleeping w teenage girls.....most of the women in my family think 12-14 year old girls can consent to adult men its absolutely fucking wack, but i guess considering we had child marriages and bridal kidnappings barely any time ago, thats bound to b the case........ youre right. what you went through and what i went through could have absolutely been preventable if things werent so overcrowded and there was proper supervision and facilities and education around this sort of stuff

....

im sorry the adults near you failed to protect you, and im sorry your family failed to protect you. youre totally right to be angry and pissed off, i get why u blame them and hate them. it was indeed their responsability, and all they did was minimize and diminish your pain... im glad to hear your mother stuck up for you though... it really is painful. so many balkan adults seem to think they can do basically anything they want to children and it wont matter - like theyre some sort of toys or things or property idk - this idea that they're too young or its not that bad is so stupid when infact children are so much more impacted by things than adults are. you deserved better than them. and on the flip side it just. sucks to hear them defend this sort of behavior. i remember id complain abt boys being sex pests but it was always dismissed as Me not being nice to them or some stupid bullshit abt how thats how they show affection or theyre just stupid or theyre just cute or whatever, ive heard it all. it was maddening. in elementary school we had this boy in our class who was particularly bad. i think he must have been watching pornography already. hed make the grossest sexual comments twoards us, hed grope us, etc. i think it took like two bloody years for him to finally be switched out of the classroom, noone rly cared for the longest time and kept making excuses until finally my friends mom had enough .... it really is insane to think of the sheer amount of shit thats been normalized in the balkans. treating your kids like property, beating them, insulting them, sexualizing or groping or molesting them, letting other kids do that to them, letting adult men have relations w teenage girls??? - and if you speak out against any of it, youre in the wrong. seven fucking hells, for gods sake i keep just sitting around wondering what the hell is wrong with us

.. also thats also always a thought that drove me insane. i cant imagine having a child and finding out she went through the things i did. it already freaks me out to b around little kids bc i always just remember what i went through and hope to god theyre ok and safe... i think i would actually lose it and start killing. i have no damn idea how so many others can just b so careless abt a childs pain

and also.. you dont. have to forgive him... i think you have to forgive yourself, you know? even in this message - you didnt have the brains to protect yourself.. girl, you didnt need to have the brains to protect yourself, you didnt fail at protecting yourself and that's why this happened.... its not your fault. you were five for gods sake, dont put that on yourself please <3 ....personally ive never liked when therapists say shit like that. you and i have been molested and yet we havent molested any kids, so whats their fucking excuse, huh? for all the shit ive been through ive never taken it out on anyone like that, so whats theyre excuse? there isnt one.... and especially the shit w reminding you afterwords is just so cruel, its outright sadistic... i know what you mean abt recalling it and losing faith in humanity, its hard not to when youve seen some of its worst and cruelest and sickest sides.... it always makes me lose faith when its in partical kids being.. borderline fucking evil, like this shit, or the increse in boys raping younger girls. this species has an inclination twoards sadism and cruelty, and particularly men and boys seem to. its bone chilling and vile. but. but.... for all of the cruelty and depravity of humankind, there has most certainly been a moving level of empathy, care, and beauty, and i do think... most ppl.. want to be good and strive to b good. i think most people are born good idk

.... but many of us sure as fuck have seen a lot of the bad. i know it only helps so much to hear, because i know the skin crawling disgust that all this breeds. it feels like being fucking cursed or banded or marked or diseased or something, like something is just instrinsically wrong and unclean with you... i never feel like ill be some sort of near normal either. never have been and never will be - but i try to just live with that.. it is what it is. but.. youre no more disgusting, or gross, or dirty or pathetic than i am,.. you know? youre not. those things can only be said abt those who did this to you. im sorry it all turned out like this, but.. idk. im glad that it sounds like you're away from your family. i hope youre safe and in a better place where you can heal from all this. sorry i kinda rambeled on, but im sending you hugs and may some peace and rest from all this come your way soon <3

[girlmeetsliv3]

Paradiso: Ten

Trigger Warning: This story depicts an abusive & toxic relationship, as well as psychological, emotional, and physical abuse. This story is pure fiction and is not based on a person or event. None of the actions taken by the character represent the individual member or bangtan.

                                                    Hope you enjoy!

Truth be told you were never blessed with the momentary haziness that comes from waking up from a deep sleep. Sure, you took a second to absorb things, but it was never like you forgot the circumstances you were in or didn’t recall what had occurred the previous night. Even your dreams you could perfectly remember almost as if you were still actively dreaming. Most may consider this a blessing, but to you: it was just another way in which the universe sought to torture you. How you hoped that momentary ignorance would take place when you woke up from your haunting dreams. To forget even if just for a second would have given your body the break it so desperately required… not a chance. For when you woke up it was drenched in sweat and the twisted smile of two little boys etched into your brain; along with all the trauma you had gone through the previous night.

          Human conscious, and subconscious for that matter, are very powerful things which have led to the evolution from chimps to the modern man; and occasionally the devolution of moral high ground we pride ourselves in owning. That which separates us from beasts. It is in the phrase mind over matter that all this rings true for the human brain is capable of anything. In it lies the key to the creation of the most beautiful, intricate, and wonderful aspects of life – as well as the opposite. Due to this one might assume that its power is unparalleled, and it is invincible - wrong. There must always be a balance…

          A slight tune could be heard coming from beyond the door, the little of the music you could hear was quite pleasing: a funky dance-pop sort of song. It was one meant to inspire happiness and a sort of carpe diem behavior; all you could feel was dread and vomit beginning to crawl its way up your esophagus. Despite how horrible the feeling and taste was you swallowed it back down and began to take deep breaths, that was preferable to the reaction Hoseok might have if his sheets were ruined. Eventually, you would have to leave the bed and the room, but the fact that there was something separating the two of you, even if it was something as miscellaneous as a door meant everything. So long as he was out there, and you were in here, then you were safe.

          To say you were terrified of him would be an understatement, but the fear had changed. Whilst in the basement he had simply been a beast: a horrid creature that acted out on instinct will little remorse for his actions. That had instilled physical fear in you. You feared his reactions, his anger, the ways in which he could hurt you or possibly kill you. A game of cat and mouse, in a sense. However, after his bedtime story, you feared him: his eyes, his thoughts, his words, everything thing that was left unsaid. Before he could only physically hurt you, but now he was inside your head. You could almost sense him in there; waiting and observing for the perfect moment. Instead of simply killing you, he would break you; something a million physical deaths could not compare to. Now you were the fly entrapped in a spider’s web as it slowly inched closer to you – almost tauntingly – the outcome was certain.

          “Jagi~” Hoseok stood right in front of you with concern reflecting in the way his eyebrows were furrowed and there was a slight pout in his lips, which could also be heard through his voice. It snapped you out of the breakdown you were about to have and once your attention focused entirely on him that gorgeous smile appeared. “You had me worried there for a second. Thought I lost you.” Ha, you wish. You smiled sheepishly and cast your eyes down in an attempt not to meet his. He grabbed your forearm lightly and tugged you out from under the covers leading you to the kitchen.

Breakfast had been served and it looked like something out of a magazine or one of those cooking shows. You couldn’t even speak as he pulled open the chair to the left of his and pushed you into the seat cushion. The gesture seemed chivalrous until he pushed the chair into the point where it was crashing against your ribs – making it difficult to move properly. He then sat comfortably in his chair and began to serve both of you breakfast, though your arms were working well he insisted on feeding you – almost like a child.

          “How’d you sleep last night?”

          “Good.”

          “You were moving a lot I noticed.”

          “I’m a restless sleeper.”

He laughed, “No, you sleep like the dead. Did you have a bad dream?”

          “Kinda.”

          “What was it about?”

          “Nothing too special; I was just outside playing in the garden.”

          “That doesn’t sound like a bad dream to me, what happened next?”

          “I was just walking around when I noticed something…”

Hoseok met your eyes as he chewed the meat, it was a silent encouragement to continue.

“A bush full of flowers.” Your tone was satirically happy now and it did not go unnoticed.

“What kind of flowers, Jagi?” A warning.

You did not heed it. “Oh, you know a bunch of them: snapdragons, marigolds, orange mocks, the likes…”

“What a peculiar assortment of flowers –“

“Yes, I thought so too.” You nodded.

“Is that all you dreamt of?!” His tone was calm, but you could sense his anger threatening to spill at any moment.

“Honestly, I don’t remember the rest.”

          There was a pause, a silence, desperately waiting to be filled. Both of you knew what was going to happen next, only who would take the first step.

          “I had a dream too, Jagi.”

          “What about?”

          “Comparisons.”

          “Comparisons?”

          “Yeah, you know, our constant need as humans to compare ourselves to others: other people, other things, other beings. To men, women, beasts; anything really.”

          “I don’t get it…”

          “It's simple really. Everyone wants to be the superior being, the only way to do that is to assess our strengths and weaknesses. But no one is ever honest with themselves, so we simply look towards other people for guidance; on what to do and what to not do. Sure it can be mundane things, but where it gets interesting is when we begin to compare ideologies and beliefs.”

          “Hobi –”

“For example, one might look to compare the beliefs of a human with that of a beast. Constantly we tell ourselves how much better and more advanced we are than them – I think it’s the opposite. They can’t help what they are it's all they know, but us, we’re the worst thing that ever happened. We know better – but we don’t give a flying fuck. Isn’t that crazy?”

          What did I do?

          Hoseok stood up from the chair, the screeching of the wooden chair on the marble floor ringing loudly in your head. You watched him the way a cornered prey watches the predator: anticipating the strike. He walked towards one of the kitchen drawers and opened it, extracting a manila folder from inside. “What I find weird though isn’t those kinds of comparisons, it’s the lies we feed to ourselves whenever we go through a bump in the road: someone out there has it worse. I used to ridicule people who thought like that, but now I guess it makes sense. Someone does always have it worse.”

          The manila folder was thrown in front of you and though you hesitated to look inside, you knew he wasn’t going to stop until you did. This is the moment previously mentioned: where the power of the mind comes into question. For despite all the modifications it had faced throughout all of known and unknown human history, despite being able to access the realm of the possibility – it can be destroyed by the contents in a cheap manila folder.

[sebeth]

Young Justice: “Fears” and “Drop-Zone”

Warning, Spoilers Ahead…

 Issue 6: “Fears”

We left off with Superboy declaring the thought of “destroying Superman” is constantly on his mind.

While Superboy’s teammates reel in shock, Dick decides to narrate his origin recap.  But internally since Batman won’t let Dick share details about his personal life

We flashback to four years ago, the Flying Graysons (John, Mary, Dick, Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin John) were performing at Jack Haly’s Circus. Dick mentions he was nine-years old.

Dick mentions that “I never knew either of my grandfathers.  They died a long time before I was born.” He also comments “I was the youngest of the troupe, so father said I wasn’t allowed to be involved with the most dangerous stunt the Flying Graysons performed.”

Dick continues “I was jealous of my older cousin, secretly wanting to be in his place.  He would always mess up my hair and say ‘Don’t worry, squirt, you’ll get a chance sooner than you think.  He always knew the right thing to say.”

We know what happens next: Zucco – tampered ropes – bodies hitting the floor.

“A lot of things happened after that.  Most of them were a blur, even if I could concentrate, I didn’t think I would be able to say exactly what order things happened in.  The next crystal-clear thing I do remember was Bruce Wayne.”

“My mother and father dead. My aunt and cousin dead.  My uncle alive but paralyzed for the rest of his life. The only living family member I had was unable to take care of me.”

“Bruce Wayne came to my rescue and let me become part of his family.”

We know the rest – after training, Robin is born and Zucco is brought to justice.

This is the only instance I can recall of Dick having relatives other than his parents. Discounting generations-back Talons.

An odd choice to leave the uncle alive since he’s never mentioned again.  The extent of the paralysis isn’t mentioned.  Since it appears that gaining custody of Dick was never an option, I would assume the paralysis is from the neck down. It’s a safe bet that Bruce provided the best medical care for the uncle.  

Poor Uncle Grayson. He lost his wife, child, brother, and sister-in-law!  And, as an aerialist, he is now paralyzed.  All in one night.  Talk about your worst nightmare coming true.  I wonder if Dick maintained contact with his uncle.  He could use the support but he was dealing with multiple traumas and depression – would he have even wanted to see his nephew?

Wally interrupts Dick’s ruminations: “Robin, did you hear what he said? He just said that he wants to take down Superman!”

Superboy clarifies: It’s how I feel…sometimes.  What if that’s why I was created?  What if that was the only reason I was created? I just feel…I don’t know what I feel. Sometimes…thoughts happen.”

Dick agrees Conner has a valid point: “We really don’t know anything about what they did to him yet.”

Wally defends his friend: “We know he’s one of the good guys and we know he’s part of this team.  In my world, actions speak louder than words. Superboy has proven his intentions with actions.”

Wally checks in with his other pal: “Hey, what’s with you? Not like you to zone out like that.”

Dick admits to being lost in thought.

The writers seem to be taking a nod from the Justice League cartoon and are establishing Wally as the heart of the team.

Wally asks Megan about her story.  Megan gives a few selective details:

·         Martians live underground as the surface is uninhabitable.

·         Family lives are very entwined.

·         Martians mostly communicate telepathically.

·         Telepathy helps large Martian families maintain a sense of community.

·         Martian families are usually quite large.

·         Megan has 12 sisters, 17 brothers, and over 300 cousins.

·         M’gann mentions that Martians are green, white, or red.

·         Megan claims that her parents were green Martians and she was raised in a liberal environment.

·         “Others were not as tolerant and the treatment of white Martians was especially horrible.

·         M’gann states that she was the closest to uncle J’onn: “We had a great relationship.”

·         We discover J’onn is the most famous Martian in history: “He grew to be a true beacon of hope and stood for what our society could achieve.  Upon his return to Mars it was declared a day of planetwide celebration.  When he came back it was not just for adulation.  He also had a specific purpose in mind.  Having learned about all of you, J’onn decided now was the time to introduce a younger Martian hero to earth.  J’onn J’onzz came to Mars and decided he would hold a competition to find the next Martian champion that would be returning with him to fly among the heroes of earth.”

·         Megan enters the contest – very shades of Wonder Woman and wins.

·         “At first, Uncle J’onn seemed as if he didn’t want me to compete.”

M’gann has revised significant parts of her background as we discover later in the season.

I wish we knew more of J’onn’s Young Justice background.  In the traditional comic book-verse, J’onn is the sole surviving Green Martian accidentally brought to earth by a scientist.  The Green Martians were wiped out by a telepathic plague. White Martians were imprisoned/banished before the plague but small numbers turn up to cause trouble for J’onn and the Justice Legue at various points.  White Martians are very barbaric and warlike.  “Red martians” are an alien species found on Titan/Saturn – the most famous member is Jemm, Son of Saturn.

Taking Megan’s account at face value – which is hard as she is a very skilled liar – it seems as if Martians are thriving on their home planet.  The white Martians don’t seem to have been banished or imprisoned but are not accepted by the green and red Martians.  

I’m assuming the white Martians are still very barbaric and warlike which causes their isolation.

Megan states she was raised in a “liberal environment”. Does this mean her parents were White Martian versions of hippies – make love, not war.  If her parents did adopt a more peaceful approach it could explain their isolation from the white contingent and the suspicion of the red/green groups.

M’gann’s White Martian nature explains her lax morals when it comes to her telepathic powers.  The White Martians abuse of their powers was one of the main divides between the greens and whites.  Assuming Megan’s parents left the “white nature” behind it doesn’t mean they were instructed in the strict guidelines the green/red follow. If the parent isn’t taught, it becomes hard to instill it into their children.

Megan’s desperation to escape her environment – and her hero worship of J’onn – is easy to see.  The later reveal of Megan’s White Martian adds another layer of “J’onn didn’t seem to want me to compete”. It’s important to note that the other competitors were all green Martians.  Megan, of course, is drawn as green as the big reveal hadn’t happened yet in the cartoon.

I’m curious if the White Martians ever attacked the Justice League in the YJ-universe?  It’s the only reason I can think of as for why Megan is so desperate to have everyone believe she is a green Martian.  Otherwise, there could be a whole rainbow’s worth of Martian colors – no one on Earth is going to know.  It would also explain why J’onn brings in M’gann as his “niece”.  It would eliminate any wariness the members of the Justice League might have about a White Martian being on their protégé’s team.

Does M’gann really have that huge a family?  As I said earlier, she’s a very convincing liar prone to living in her own fantasy life – is this extensive family yet another lie/fantasy?  Does her parents’ “liberal environment” cause her to be ostracized from this extended family?

Finally, how did J’onn arrive on earth?  Was he accidentally transported by a scientist or did he arrive on earth as an explorer/ambassador?  Is his wife and daughter still alive? How long was J’onn away from Mars before he returned?

The issue ends with a Cadmus flashback.  Superboy dreams of confronting and killing an out-of-control Superman.  A scientist informs Roland that the dreaming Superboy has cracked another containment pod.

Roland orders the scientist to “Keep him under and get a new containment pod in here!”

Another scientist comments “What the G-Gnomes make him see must be pretty real to him.”

We return to the camp fire as Superboy ruminates: “These are my thoughts.  This is what they put in my brain.  I remember…this is why I was created.”

We now return to “Drop Zone”.  I mentioned the apparent time screw-up in an earlier post.  Kobra’s invasion of Santa Prisca begins on June 19th. The next scene has Young Justice headed to Santa Prisca on June 21st – almost a month before the team actually formed.

I’m going with the assumption that June 21st was meant to be July 21st.   Otherwise, we would have 1) missed a whole year’s worth of the team’s adventures, and 2) it only took the Justice League 48 hours to discover the Light’s plans for Santa Prisca.  The Light would have a hard time passing itself off as criminal masterminds if they can’t even keep a plot secret for 48 hours.

Robin recalls Batman’s instructions to the team: “This is a covert and recon mission only.  Observe and report. If the Justice League needs to intervene, it will.”

Robin asks the important question: “So who’s in charge?”

Batman and Red Tornado glance at each other: “Work that out between two.”

Robin’s smirk indicates he believes he should be in charge.

Dick put Bruce in an awkward position. Bruce can only feel one of two ways: 1) He believes Dick should be in charge but doesn’t want to “play favorites” or 2) He doesn’t feel Dick is ready but doesn’t want to tell him that in front of the others.

Covert costumes make their first appearances.

“No capes. No tights. No offense.” – Superboy doesn’t need your stealth tech, thank you very much.  And all he needs to do is switch his shirt inside out in order to achieve stealth mode.

“It totally works for you.” – Megan is as subtle as Wally when it comes to flirting.

“Knew I didn’t need a line.”

“And yet creating a seismic event may not have helped us much with the covert.”

Give Conner a break – he’s still figuring out the extent of his abilities.

Conner and Wally aren’t well-suited for “covert” – they don’t have the temperament for it.

“Did you hear that?”

“You do have great ears?” – Wally and Megan need to have a flirting contest – points given if they actually achieve the “subtle” art of flirtation.

Aqualad, dropped off at a different point on the island, is the only one attempting to come up with/adhere to the plan.  Dick’s already splintered off to do his own thing and Wally’s totally going to follow the plan as soon as he “finds Rob”.

Bane and his henchmen are having a shootout with Kobra operatives.  Wally stumbles into it: “So much for the stealthy.”

Superboy jumps into the brawl.  Bane tries a power attack but discovers it doesn’t work on a Kryptonian.  Poor Bane is having a horrible time this episode – his strength is one of his top assets but this is the second time it’s failed him. It must be humbling to think of yourself as a physically powerful man only to discover you can’t compete with the real powerhouses of the DC Universe.

Robin launches into the fray: “What is wrong with you guys? Remember covert? Why didn’t you follow my lead, vanish into the jungle?”

To be fair, the Flashes don’t do covert – they are brightly colored heroes much loved by the public. Superboy is fresh out of the containment pod and doesn’t have the temperament or training for covert missions. Miss Martian’s powers are perfect for these situations but she’s a total newbie plus her entire race consists of telepaths – is “covert” even a concept on Mars?

Wally explains to Robin that they’re not mind readers – they didn’t know Dick’s plans.

Megan pipes in: “You told me I could only read the bad guy’s minds.”

Aqualad reunites with the group.

Robin recognizes the Kobra goons’ outfits.  Kaldur and Dick agree Batman wasn’t aware of Kobra’s presence on Santa Prisca.  Batman had to suspect something was different on the island.  Why else would he send in the team – Bane has been running Santa Prisca/producing Venom since before he “broke the bat”.  Unless this mission was only supposed to be a “training wheels exercise” in covertness.

Wally says it’s time to radio Bats: “Mission accomplished>

Dick disagrees: “These cultists aren’t on venom. Kobra’s hoarding the stuff.  We don’t leave.  Not until I know why.”

Wally and Dick argue over who should be leader of the team.  Wally correctly points out that Dick is only 13-years old and ducked out on the rest of the group as soon as they arrived on the island.  Dick counter claims that Wally isn’t that mature at 15-years old.

The boys continue to bicker. Superboy makes it clear that he has no desire to be a leader.  Miss Martian forfeits herself due to the Mr. Twister fiasco.

A tied-up Bane and henchmen discuss plans while Dick and Wally continue to argue.  Superboy overhears and the small smile on his face indicates Conner understands Spanish.

Wally and Dick wrap up their argument:

“Duh. You’re not Batman.”

“Duh.  Closest thing you got.”

Bane bursts out laughing at this point: “Such clever ninos.”

Yeah, arguing like a pair of toddlers doesn’t help your credibility with bad guys.  And in front of one of your dad’s villains!  Shame, Dick!  You know Bane’s bringing it up to Bruce the next time they fight.

Miss Martian attempts to read Bane’s mind but he’s “not that easy”: “He’s mentally reciting football scores en Espanol.”  The moment is a testament to Megan’s youth and inexperience as a resident of earth. J’onn wouldn’t have been dissuaded by the “foreign language” trick.

Bane proposes the old “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” routine.

Bane and the team head to the factory.  Dick is still throwing jabs at Wally’s expense.  Wally again calls out Dick on his behavior: “A real leader would focus on getting answers.”

Dick is rather petty but he is only 13-years old.  Not the most mature time of anyone’s life.

The group enter the Venom factor via a secret entrance.  Robin promptly disappears.

Bane: “Has the young fool already been caught?”

A resigned Aqualad: “No, he just does that.”

Kid Flash decides he’ll get the intel and be back before Robin.  Ignoring Kaldur’s “Wait”, Wally speeds off.

A sarcastic Bane: “Great chain of command.”

Robin and Kid Flash are in a control center, looking at chemical compounds.  Wally’s love of science is demonstrated as he recognizes one chemical compound as Venom and the other one as the Blockbuster formula from Cadmus.  The two combined make a powerful combination – and a permanent one.

Sportsmaster arrives on the island.  Yes, the Sportsmaster!  He’s a rather obscure Golden Age villain that I don’t even think has been used in the comics since the All-Star Squadron/Young All-Stars/Infinity Inc days. I’ve mentioned before that I love the creators’ knowledge and fondness of the complete scope of the DC Universe – this is just another example.

Off topic, the main reason I hate re-boots and re-sets are because of all the characters and elements of the DC Universe that are lost every single time.  It’s the same reason I hate all the senseless deaths in comics.  Boo to all of that!

Did the Justice Society and its respective foes still debut in the World War II era?  Or was their debut pushed into a later decade – say the 1970s or 1980s?  Sportsmaster is looking rather young for a non-meta who debuted in World War II. Not that aging is a problem for comic book universes – with all the magic, chemicals, radiation, and cosmic craziness it wouldn’t take much to explain the slow-aging of every inhabitant on earth.  

Miss Martian spies on Kobra and Sportsmaster’s conversation.  Aqualad attempts to reach the Justice League but the coms are jammed. Kaldur decides they need a plan.

Bane: “I have a suggestion.” Bane leaps down and starts fighting Kobra henchmen.

Mammoth storms into the factory but finds Superboy isn’t as easy a target as Bane.

Bane leaves the chaotic scene.

Wally and Dick enter the fray. Miss Martian telepathically links the team.  Robin has – once again – disappeared from the scene.  Robin intercepts Shimmer and Lord Kobra at their helicopter. Kaldur demands Robin return – and, surprisingly, Dick listens.

Kaldur orders a strategic retreat.

Dick wonders “How could my first mission as team leader go so wrong?”

Kaldur diplomatically points out: “You do have the most experience.  But perhaps that is exactly what has left you unprepared. Fighting alongside Batman, your roles are defined. You two do not need to talk. But this team is new. And a leader must be clear, explicit. He cannot vanish and expect others to play parts in an unknown plan.”

Dick completely misses the point: “So I’m supposed to hold everybody’s hands.”

Dick doesn’t take criticism well. Not even the constructive kind.

Dick concedes: “You lead us, Kaldur.  You’re the only one who can.”

Superboy chimes in with “Could have told you.” I’m guessing Conner thought Kaldur was the leader the entire time.

Kaldur graciously accepts, informing Dick “I accept the burden until you are ready to lift it from my shoulders. You were born to lead this team.  Maybe not now but soon.”  Kaldur’s not only the team leader but the team diplomat.

Lord Kobra finds his helicopter has been sabotaged.

Bane betrays the team. Shocking, I know.

Bane monologues while Aqualad devises a plan.  Bane discovers he’s horribly outmatched against Young Justice including receiving a one-punch knockout from Superboy.  The day has not been a good one for Bane’s ego.

Young Justice storm Kobra and his henchmen.  Lord Kobra orders Sportsmaster to leave with the shipment.  Sportsmaster is very perceptive as he’s gotten the drop on an invisible Megan twice in this episode.  Kid Flash claims another souvenir.

Robin battles Kobra but is outmatched.  Aqualad puts down Mammoth – a nice testament to Kaldur’s skill.  Sportsmaster keeps Miss Martian and Superboy occupied which should be a nice testament to his skill but feels a bit ridiculous.  He shouldn’t be able to last two seconds against a Kyrptonian or a Martian much less both at once.

Sportsmaster escapes in a helicopter but Megan planted an explosive device causing the copter to crash.

Lord Kobra now faces the entire Young Justice team and decides to exit stage left: “Another time then”. The team simply stands there and lets him escape?

Batman reads the team the riot act: “A simple recon mission.  Observe and report.  You’ll each receive a written evaluation detailing your many mistakes.  Until then…good job.  No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy. How you adjust to the unforeseen is what determines success.  And how you choose who leads determines character.”

Sportsmaster meets with the Light: “All I recovered is a single ampoule of the Kobra venom.”

The Light intones “Enemies of the Light must not stand.”

One member of the Light is speaking French.  I’m blanking on French bad guys in the DC Universe – the only ones I can recall are Monsieur Mallah, Madame Rogue, and Warp.  

[etc-greys]

Season 14 Episode 7: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story

Songs of The Episode:

Young Folks by The Wind And The Wave

Cosy in the Rocket by PSAPP

They by Congratulationz ft CavasBeta

Keep Breathing by Congratulationz

Such Great Heights by Madi Diaz & K.S. Rhoads

Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley

Synopsis:

*Warning this episode is extremely nostalgic and it is advised that you have your tissues ready*

The episode dives right into your feels as it opens with Mer on the beloved Seattle Ferryboat, yes that's right the boat that was once on Derek’s scrub cap -now housed by Mer- and the same boat that takes you to where the fantastical dream house was built. Accompanying her is Alex, as they descend back to the hospital. It is presumed that she went to see Derek and tell him about her prestigious Harper Avery nomination, when Alex asks, “How was it, was he happy for you?” To which she replied with a smile “No, he was jealous,” reminding us of their extremely competitive, yet ever motivating relationship.

Meanwhile Amelia walks in on Carina and Owen cooking naked… Amelia and Owen try to cover the awkward moment, but just ends in Amelia stealing some French toast while leaving hastily. Then we jump to Bailey as she’s walking to work with Ben driving alongside her trying to convince her to join him. She found out about the fire academy and to say she’s displeased would be an understatement. Arizona is painting every possible color on Sophia’s room, as she anxiously awaits her daughter’s arrival.

Another note of nostalgia as we see the new interns in the historic hallway (aka the tunnels) with the excess hospital beds. We are reminded of our favorite sleep deprived interns, the originals who grew up in those halls to be the doctors they are today. Mer is hesitant to leave for Boston where the Harper Avery Awards will take place. Alex tries to convince her, but is unsuccessful when a incoming trauma comes in. Deluca is still avoiding his ex, Sam.

The medical trauma this week: a rollercoaster ride gone awry! The first patient, who saved a bunch of children, is under the care of Owen and Amelia. Webber briefs Mer and Alex on the two patients who were transferred in the rollercoaster cart in which they crashed, for it would’ve been to life threatening to remove prior to their arrival at Grey Sloan. But wait, don’t they look familiar…. OMG they are the George and Cristina doppelgangers… but wait their friend just stepped out of the ambulance to check on them and… she is Izzie’s pregnant doppelganger. What.. what… and on que, the original theme song begins to play. Boy are we in for a treat.

Jackson tries to convince Mer to get moving, but she’s not leaving the trauma. Also it turns out the doppelgangers are doctors, they interning at Seattle Press! Bailey sends Ben to the Clinic as a punishment. Jackson checks in on Bailey to see where she is on the contest, but is quickly swerved when she confronts him about her husband’s career change and whether he happened to know about it when he had given her the money. Then we get a major throwback as we see Owen push Amelia back when he tells her that the hero doesn’t need a CT, but instead must be rushed to surgery. I’m sure this triggers you, just as well as me, back to that same decision that ultimately killed Derek. When we recall the tragedy of Derek’s death we reflect on a simple diagnosis that can be captured by quick CT and then fixed by an immediate surgery. Unfortunately, if this bleed is not seen right away, the patient will be gone, even if the rest of their body is healed by other surgeries. Alex is in shock at seeing Izzie, as Jo walks up for advice. He tells Jo that since she’s always wondered what she was like and surprised, Jo describes her as pretty and perky. Then Izzie comes up to them to check in on her friends, when he’s at a loss for words and Jo just watches him struggle in the most comical way. Izzie begins to lose her balance, and Alex swoops in to catch her. Another major tbt to when he carried Izzie after Denny’s heart wrenching death.

The intensity rises as baby George is unable to breathe when they remove part of the car seat. No worries, Webber has the fix, Mer must hold traction on his head. They are confused why everyone continues to stare at them and Mer fesses up, she tells them it's because they remind everyone of George and Cristina. To which baby Cristina freaks out and yells at them not to stare.

Little Izzie has an ultra sound done, and finds out that her baby has a tumor on it’s placenta. She must have surgery to get it removed, as it is very dangerous. Fearful, Izzie grabs Alex’s hand and Jo address the weirdness of the situation, but at the same time understands.  Mer is still holding traction and Jackson comes by to help. When baby Cristina realizes who the both of them are, her tune changes and she relates them to surgical royalty. Katherine and Jackson nearly convinced Mer to go to the awards, when after they transported baby George, baby Cristina’s stats started to plummet. She then tells Jackson to go in her place.

April makes her own attempt to convince Mer to go, but baby Cristina begs her not to. She claims Mer to be her idol and asks of her to think of her best friend (the real Cristina) and to save her like she would her best friend, to fight for her with the same vigor. Pulling at all of are heartstrings and nearly bringing Mer to tears. Jackson announces that Mer’s not going, so Maggie and Zola stay behind as the Avery’s depart. Amelia rushes to the OR with a portable CT when she finds out that Owen had ignored her order. He accuses her of being upset about his encounter with Carina, you know the one she walked in on. But she proves him wrong when the CT discovers a brain bleed (an expanding epidural hematoma to be exact) in which she must operate immediately. After gloating a bit to Owen, he then apologizes for doubting her. She explains that he was partially right, in that she was thinking of Derek and that in doing so he saved a man’s life today.

Webber and Bailey check in on baby George who blames himself for endangering his friends, when all he wanted was to have a little fun outside of working. His self- deprecating, selflessness, and innocence, triggers Bailey to recall the real George, a man who helped deliver her baby, who was really a part of her family, and whose death she mourned daily for over a year after the tragic incident occurred. Interestingly enough, when Webber goes to comfort her, he finds out that the tears are from her anger with Ben. Unfortunately their moment was interrupted by the sounds of banging in the skills lab (notice the accidental word play hahaha), to which Sam, followed by Deluca exited. Deluca consults his sister about his recent love affair with Sam, one that she’s seen the end result time and again.

April is angry with Mer for taking her Harper Avery nomination for granted, and inadvertently expresses her jealousy. She feels inferior, but Mer reminds her that she is not average, that she is incredible and ultimately she should give herself more credit. And she also expresses how deeply she does want the award. Arizona, Jo, and Alex must perform an emergency c-section on Izzie, because the baby is in distress. Arizona remembers Mark in comforting Izzie. She remembers his calmness, his charm, and his kindness. In this beautiful moment, she delivers the baby and also comforts herself as she prepares for her daughter's arrival, he reminds her of her strength, and instills confidence in her to be a fulltime mom again.

In one of my absolute favorite scenes of the episode, to which I cried a little if we’re being honest, Zola proves that she is wise beyond her years. She tells Maggie that she’s going be a brain surgeon like her father, before admitting that she missed her dad and then asked Maggie if she missed her mom. When Maggie answers with an almost tearful yea, Zola then recounts what she believes her mama would say: “Even though your mom’s not here, she’s always with you.” To end this beautiful moment she offers her aunty a hug.

Webber and Bailey save baby George, but not without wishing they had been able to do the same for the real George. Izzie’s baby is okay! Alex lets her hold baby Jasper for just a few minutes before he must take him to the NICU, but in this moment we see Arizona and Karev marvel in their past memories.

Bailey is scared of Ben’s commitment issues. But he explains that he just wants to try this while he is still young and able, he doesn’t want to live his life with regrets. Before they are able to finish their conversation, Webber grabs Bailey since Jackson is on the phone.

Another tear jerker. Jo tells Alex to call Izzie to get closure and see how she’s doing. Instead he tells her the story that she’s made up for her in his mind, one that is intricate, personal, and a bit of a nod at how Katherine Heigl is actually living, a tale in which she’s extremely happy. He tells her that he doesn’t need to call her because he doesn’t want to ruin it and he feels that “she’s as happy as I am with you.” Then they lean back in silence, just so happily in love and mature enough, grown enough, comfortable enough to acknowledge their past and embrace it, as it poses no threat to their future (that is his ex doesn’t, her ex poses a detrimental threat to their happiness, but I digress, let us be happy in this moment).

You know what, don’t even bother putting your tissues away. After Mer and April’s surgery, Bailey and Webber bring the Harper Avery awards to her as they project the show on the TV in the OR. All of the doctors along with Zola watch from the gallery as Catherine Avery announces that Meredith Grey has WON THE HARPER AVERY. Jackson gives the most heartwarming, eloquent, and masterful speech about Mer’s dedication to surgery, to her patients, and that despite her personal tragedies, she’s remained a gracefully innovative person/surgeon. He also pays tribute to her fallen sister, Lexie, who was one of my absolute favorite characters. As Mer along with all the doctors marvel in the moment, they pan the camera to the gallery where we see Mer looking up to a familiar face. Her mother applauds her with the proudest of smiles and we see the joy on Mer’s face in knowing that her mother is indeed looking down on her extraordinary daughter.  

Back at Arizona’s house, we see little Sophia as she arrives back home. She expresses how much she misses her mama and Arizona admits that she does too (a nod to Callie who is happy in NYC). As Arizona comforts her daughter with ice cream, there’s a close up of the first family photo of Mark, Arizona, Callie, and Sophia, the one that was taken so many seasons ago, paying homage to the fallen and the departed.

Things get steamy back at the hospital as Deluca and Sam hook up in the infamous on call room. Mer shows Owen baby Cristina, but he denies their similarities, to which she mentions Burke (saying that she should ask him if they look alike), thus another tribute to departed. He also reminds her that no one is like Cristina, true that Owen!

Mer and Alex kick the interns outta the tunnels as they celebrate together Mer’s epic and well deserved win. Cristina then facetimes in as they all enjoy champagne.  

A Few Additional Thoughts:

First of all, this episode was incredible and had a lot of nods to the epicness of Grey’s Anatomy’s 300 episodes! Kudos to the entire cast, crew, and writers on the incredible work they’ve done. This episode was truly special and definitely worth the watch. My praises are endless and thus I’ve decided to dedicate a whole other post to commemorate 300 episodes of Greys and the impact it’s had. So for more info, check out our next post!

[amyddaniels]

Criminal Justice Advocate and Yogi Steven Medeiros is Taking Life's Challenges in Stride

Here, the above-the-knee amputee waxes on forgiveness, his yoga practice, and living life to the fullest.

On a breezy late-May afternoon in Berkeley, California, Steven Medeiros stands atop a craggy peak in Indian Rock park, a popular bouldering and hangout spot that overlooks the San Francisco Bay skyline. With a denim jacket flung across his shoulder and the wind in his face, the 42-year-old looks more like an Avenger or a GQ cover model than a UC Berkeley student. In a few weeks, Medeiros, who lost his left leg in a motorcycle accident when he was 25, will travel to Honolulu for a summer gig working on the ACLU of Hawaii’s Smart Justice Campaign, a national criminal justice initiative that aims to reduce the prison population and address prosecutorial accountability. An activist and advocate for police accountability and prison reform, Medeiros is pursuing a master’s degree at Berkeley’s Goldman School of Public Policy (ranked one of the country’s best) so he can effect change from the inside by helping to reimagine current systems and structures.

Listen to Steven talk about healing from complex trauma on YJ's The Yoga Show podcast.

Medeiros, who identifies as Latinx and Hawaiian, has both witnessed and experienced the oppressive, detrimental effects of the American criminal justice system on people of color and impoverished populations. Growing up in Fremont, a racially diverse city in the Bay Area, he was exposed early on to police harassment of his community. His mother, a single mom who suffered from addiction, was incarcerated for a drug offense when he was only four years old. With his father out of the picture, Medeiros went to live with his paternal grandparents, who raised him. Eight years later, newly released from prison, his mother was murdered—run down by a truck while walking home from her job at a fast-food restaurant in East Oakland. The case went unsolved, but witnesses say they saw the truck chasing her, suggesting it was a targeted attack. As an adolescent, the impact on Medeiros was monumental. “For the next nine years, I engaged in a lot of toxic behavior, hanging out with troublemakers, gang members, people from broken homes who were dealing with similar things that I could relate to,” he says.

see also How Restorative Yoga Can Help Heal Racial Wounding

In that time, Medeiros’s interactions with law enforcement shaped the trajectory of his career. When he was 21, he was assaulted by a police officer with a tire iron during a routine traffic stop. At 22, he was racially profiled and arrested “for being brown downtown,” he says—booked for public intoxication although he had not been drinking. “It was the first time I had truly felt helpless and powerless,” he says.

Twenty years later, his goal is to help make sure other people never have to feel that way. As a policy student, the issues he’s most passionate about are police and prosecutorial accountability, mass incarceration, and reentry for formerly incarcerated people. To that end, before enrolling in graduate school, Medeiros worked at the ACLU of Northern California as a program coordinator in the Organizing Department and now serves as a county commissioner for Alameda County, where he’s hoping to improve the challenges surrounding prisoner reentry at a local level.

see also How The Transformation Yoga Project is Helping Prisoners Find Peace

From Troubled Child to Changemaker

Forgiveness and family have been central to Medeiros healing from his childhood traumas. Being a compassionate and loving father to his daughter, Destiny, who at 23 has marched with him in Pride parades and Black Lives Matter protests, is his utmost priority. The like-minded duo share similar political opinions and that activist spark. On weekends, they can often be found restaurant hopping in San Francisco or exploring the outdoors. Medeiros has worked hard to instill values in Destiny such as tolerance and “not subscribing to shortcomings is what finally turned his life around.

Although he can recall a time not so long ago when he was considered a bad influence among his own family, Medeiros has grown into a role model for those who orbit him today. “His ability to be unapologetic in his stances—in his beliefs and values—has given me the courage to also live my life confidently and proudly,” says his cousin Sofia Dangerfield, who credits him with helping her two daughters grow into “open-minded little beings.”

“People always tell me, ‘You’re the most balanced person I know,’” for—for people who need it the most: people of color, women, LGBTQ folks—are being rolled back,” he says. He knows being a changemaker won’t be easy, but when overwhelm threatens to slow him down, his healing practices will help him power forward. “Equanimity, my favorite word, means having composure when things are chaotic and wild around you,” he says.

Here’s what else Medeiros had to say about what fires him up and keeps him cool—including police and prison reform, accessible yoga, and healing after a life-threatening injury.

see also This Yoga Sequence Will Reduce Stress and Boost Immunity

On Finding Yoga 

Between 18 and 22, I was really low. I had tried to turn my life around many times before, but I was always just addressing the symptoms of my problems, not the root of them. I’d stop hanging out with troublemakers, maintain a job, cease drinking and partying. But I was still angry and hurt. I hadn’t addressed the trauma of my childhood. Being an avid reader, I frequented bookstores, and I came across a yoga book. I had never heard of yoga, but I was really intrigued by what I read. I started to self-teach at home. It was challenging, and I like that. I’m a very physical person. I played competitive sports and practiced karate, so yoga was another challenge for me. I had felt so numb for the longest time—I didn’t feel alive. But every time I do yoga, I feel physically better. Things that I deal with, especially with what’s happening now with current events, tend to manifest physically—in my lower body, my jaw, and my shoulders. This practice has helped me release that, and I know it’s always going to work.

On Forgiveness 

My mother’s death had a profound effect on my life. I started questioning my self-worth. Was I destined to end up like my parents? As a teenager, I had yet to fully conceptualize the idea of choice and the role it would play in my life. After my mother died, I spiraled out of control.

I lost all interest in school and sports.

I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol and ran with the local gangs. My life looked bleak. At 22, I was exhausted and desperate for change, and I started the process of looking inward for solutions.

A message came to me that I had to forgive my parents.

Just like that, I forgave them wholeheartedly, and I felt different right away—a new person. I have never looked back. I not only forgave them for the things that they did and didn’t do, but I forgave others who had caused me trauma, and that included the people who killed my mother. I had been harboring so much anger and using that as fuel for some of the behaviors I was engaging in. But when I decided to forgive, I felt this complete release, and that allowed me to focus on other things. I jumped back into books and started down this path of self-help, deep introspection, and self-discovery. I decided to set aside anything I thought could be a distraction to me and my growth as a person and a father. I rekindled my relationship with my family, because in my youth, my “family” had become the streets. And when you’re in that, you think those people are your ride-or-dies, and they’re really not.

[Today] I talk to youths, and I tell them they’re more than the sum of their mistakes. Because of past actions, we think we don’t have a viable future given the systems in place. But I decided I wasn’t going to let that hinder me—that I was still worthy of having a good life of love despite my mistakes. So I had to forgive myself as well, which allowed me to live freely in the present with a new awareness of self and others. 

see also 4 Must-Try Restorative Poses—& How to Get the Most Support from Your Props

On Losing His Leg 

I never thought I’d make it to 18. And then my accident happened when I was doing good in life. I grappled with that. Because I felt like I had done the work. I was really upset and terrified I wouldn’t see my daughter again, because I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to live. And when I realized after a few surgeries that it was hopeful that I would, I started to think about how life would be. I remember watching TV just to study the biomechanics behind walking, because I knew I would have to learn how to walk again. I had all those normal human emotions and questions: Am I going to find somebody who loves me for me now? How is sex going to be? How is it going to be to get around and to do everyday things? Am I going to be able to go to college? Finish college? But I knew I was very fortunate to be alive, and I knew I’d still be able to do things—I didn’t have brain damage. I was young.

I had a newfound perspective on life. I had this joy that emanated from me. I felt a halo around me, this glow. It was palpable. People noticed it; I didn’t even have to tell them. They were drawn to me like a magnet. Everywhere I went, people would touch me and say something kind: “You’re beautiful.” “I would marry you in a second.” Random things. I was always smiling from ear to ear just because I was breathing.

I started school a little over a year after losing my leg. I was a good student before, but I was an even better student after. It made me look at my priorities a little better in understanding that life, just like that, can be gone. In a split second things can change. So I became very intentional with how I spent my time.

On Adapting His Practice

I had reservations after losing my leg that maybe I couldn’t do yoga anymore. Of course my practice was never the same, but it morphed. I got really into restorative yoga. Early on in my practice, I thought everything had to be perfect. And it’s not about that. Today we see people of all types and shapes and abilities practicing yoga and mine might not look as graceful as yours or even remotely like yours, but it’s still OK. My practice is my practice.

see also 6 Ways to Avoid Ableism in Yoga Classes

On Working Within The Political Justice System 

I grew up in a community that was harassed by police. But yet I have to work with the guy that runs the police, right? And I’ve been able to navigate that space pretty well. Somebody has to do it. If not me, then who? It’s a constant tug of war with me. I’m an impacted person.

I actually said to one of my professors, “I turned down this role to work for a mayor in Hawaii because the city was tearing down homeless encampments. You’re trying to get us to work in government, but how do I reconcile something that’s against my values?” She said, “But if not you, then who? We need smart.” She said we need people who are passionate about these issues in those roles.

see also Try This Restorative, Hip-Opening Yoga Sequence for Ultimate Rejuvenation

On The Challenges of Re-entry After Incarceration 

The communities where I grew up were over-policed and over-incarcerated. My mother was incarcerated and my younger brother has been in and out of prison for the past 11 years. My uncle was in prison for half his life. The way society and the criminal justice system are designed is that when people break a law and are convicted of a crime, they go to jail or prison—and when they get out, they’re expected to just go back and be productive members of the community. But there are all these barriers in place that essentially don’t allow them to successfully reintegrate. For instance, it’s very difficult to get a job if someone has a felony conviction. Housing is a huge problem: When people get out, they don’t have access to housing or they can’t qualify to rent something, because they have a criminal record. That is by design. It was intentional.

On Police and Prison Reform

The system was designed to disenfranchise a particular group, and it’s doing what it was intended to do. So when people say, “Oh, we need reforms,” [I ask] reforms of what? The system is working the way it was designed. We need to burn the system down and recreate it with everybody in mind. I’m not a visionary.

I want to do some transformative work, but it’s going to take visionaries to ask what this country would look like without police or prisons. Most people can’t fathom that. But we haven’t always had these things, and societies have lived in harmony without them. Yes, ours is unique because we have many different cultures and belief systems that make change challenging, but it’s doable.

On Body Confidence

My accident happened 17 years ago, and aside from the past few years, I hadn’t worn shorts all that time. I had a lot of insecurities about showing my prosthesis. I worried about people staring—what would they say, what would they think? But when I would visit Hawaii, it was OK. I was able to wear shorts and not feel those insecurities. But here, in the Bay Area, it was a struggle. I wanted to overcome it and I didn’t really know how to. I had been talking about it with people close to me for years and playing these stories in my head of the insecurity itself.

And one day, I went on a hike here in the Bay Area in shorts. Nobody was on the trail. Afterward, we went and had lunch in downtown Berkeley. Instead of putting my sweatpants back on to go eat in the restaurant, I decided to keep my shorts on. And yes, people looked, and children made comments, but that’s natural. It ended up not being a big deal. It was something that I had built up in my head. It didn’t come quick, but after that, here and there I would wear shorts, and it got easier and easier and easier, to the point where now I actually prefer it. The thing that I felt disempowered by, I feel empowered by now.

Practice Steven's sequence for keeping hope alive.

[krisiunicornio]

Here, the above-the-knee amputee waxes on forgiveness, his yoga practice, and living life to the fullest.

On a breezy late-May afternoon in Berkeley, California, Steven Medeiros stands atop a craggy peak in Indian Rock park, a popular bouldering and hangout spot that overlooks the San Francisco Bay skyline. With a denim jacket flung across his shoulder and the wind in his face, the 42-year-old looks more like an Avenger or a GQ cover model than a UC Berkeley student. In a few weeks, Medeiros, who lost his left leg in a motorcycle accident when he was 25, will travel to Honolulu for a summer gig working on the ACLU of Hawaii’s Smart Justice Campaign, a national criminal justice initiative that aims to reduce the prison population and address prosecutorial accountability. An activist and advocate for police accountability and prison reform, Medeiros is pursuing a master’s degree at Berkeley’s Goldman School of Public Policy (ranked one of the country’s best) so he can effect change from the inside by helping to reimagine current systems and structures.

Listen to Steven talk about healing from complex trauma on YJ's The Yoga Show podcast.

Medeiros, who identifies as Latinx and Hawaiian, has both witnessed and experienced the oppressive, detrimental effects of the American criminal justice system on people of color and impoverished populations. Growing up in Fremont, a racially diverse city in the Bay Area, he was exposed early on to police harassment of his community. His mother, a single mom who suffered from addiction, was incarcerated for a drug offense when he was only four years old. With his father out of the picture, Medeiros went to live with his paternal grandparents, who raised him. Eight years later, newly released from prison, his mother was murdered—run down by a truck while walking home from her job at a fast-food restaurant in East Oakland. The case went unsolved, but witnesses say they saw the truck chasing her, suggesting it was a targeted attack. As an adolescent, the impact on Medeiros was monumental. “For the next nine years, I engaged in a lot of toxic behavior, hanging out with troublemakers, gang members, people from broken homes who were dealing with similar things that I could relate to,” he says.

see also How Restorative Yoga Can Help Heal Racial Wounding

In that time, Medeiros’s interactions with law enforcement shaped the trajectory of his career. When he was 21, he was assaulted by a police officer with a tire iron during a routine traffic stop. At 22, he was racially profiled and arrested “for being brown downtown,” he says—booked for public intoxication although he had not been drinking. “It was the first time I had truly felt helpless and powerless,” he says.

Twenty years later, his goal is to help make sure other people never have to feel that way. As a policy student, the issues he’s most passionate about are police and prosecutorial accountability, mass incarceration, and reentry for formerly incarcerated people. To that end, before enrolling in graduate school, Medeiros worked at the ACLU of Northern California as a program coordinator in the Organizing Department and now serves as a county commissioner for Alameda County, where he’s hoping to improve the challenges surrounding prisoner reentry at a local level.

see also How The Transformation Yoga Project is Helping Prisoners Find Peace

From Troubled Child to Changemaker

Forgiveness and family have been central to Medeiros healing from his childhood traumas. Being a compassionate and loving father to his daughter, Destiny, who at 23 has marched with him in Pride parades and Black Lives Matter protests, is his utmost priority. The like-minded duo share similar political opinions and that activist spark. On weekends, they can often be found restaurant hopping in San Francisco or exploring the outdoors. Medeiros has worked hard to instill values in Destiny such as tolerance and “not subscribing to shortcomings is what finally turned his life around.

Although he can recall a time not so long ago when he was considered a bad influence among his own family, Medeiros has grown into a role model for those who orbit him today. “His ability to be unapologetic in his stances—in his beliefs and values—has given me the courage to also live my life confidently and proudly,” says his cousin Sofia Dangerfield, who credits him with helping her two daughters grow into “open-minded little beings.”

“People always tell me, ‘You’re the most balanced person I know,’” for—for people who need it the most: people of color, women, LGBTQ folks—are being rolled back,” he says. He knows being a changemaker won’t be easy, but when overwhelm threatens to slow him down, his healing practices will help him power forward. “Equanimity, my favorite word, means having composure when things are chaotic and wild around you,” he says.

Here’s what else Medeiros had to say about what fires him up and keeps him cool—including police and prison reform, accessible yoga, and healing after a life-threatening injury.

see also This Yoga Sequence Will Reduce Stress and Boost Immunity

On Finding Yoga 

Between 18 and 22, I was really low. I had tried to turn my life around many times before, but I was always just addressing the symptoms of my problems, not the root of them. I’d stop hanging out with troublemakers, maintain a job, cease drinking and partying. But I was still angry and hurt. I hadn’t addressed the trauma of my childhood. Being an avid reader, I frequented bookstores, and I came across a yoga book. I had never heard of yoga, but I was really intrigued by what I read. I started to self-teach at home. It was challenging, and I like that. I’m a very physical person. I played competitive sports and practiced karate, so yoga was another challenge for me. I had felt so numb for the longest time—I didn’t feel alive. But every time I do yoga, I feel physically better. Things that I deal with, especially with what’s happening now with current events, tend to manifest physically—in my lower body, my jaw, and my shoulders. This practice has helped me release that, and I know it’s always going to work.

On Forgiveness 

My mother’s death had a profound effect on my life. I started questioning my self-worth. Was I destined to end up like my parents? As a teenager, I had yet to fully conceptualize the idea of choice and the role it would play in my life. After my mother died, I spiraled out of control.

I lost all interest in school and sports.

I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol and ran with the local gangs. My life looked bleak. At 22, I was exhausted and desperate for change, and I started the process of looking inward for solutions.

A message came to me that I had to forgive my parents.

Just like that, I forgave them wholeheartedly, and I felt different right away—a new person. I have never looked back. I not only forgave them for the things that they did and didn’t do, but I forgave others who had caused me trauma, and that included the people who killed my mother. I had been harboring so much anger and using that as fuel for some of the behaviors I was engaging in. But when I decided to forgive, I felt this complete release, and that allowed me to focus on other things. I jumped back into books and started down this path of self-help, deep introspection, and self-discovery. I decided to set aside anything I thought could be a distraction to me and my growth as a person and a father. I rekindled my relationship with my family, because in my youth, my “family” had become the streets. And when you’re in that, you think those people are your ride-or-dies, and they’re really not.

[Today] I talk to youths, and I tell them they’re more than the sum of their mistakes. Because of past actions, we think we don’t have a viable future given the systems in place. But I decided I wasn’t going to let that hinder me—that I was still worthy of having a good life of love despite my mistakes. So I had to forgive myself as well, which allowed me to live freely in the present with a new awareness of self and others. 

see also 4 Must-Try Restorative Poses—& How to Get the Most Support from Your Props

On Losing His Leg 

I never thought I’d make it to 18. And then my accident happened when I was doing good in life. I grappled with that. Because I felt like I had done the work. I was really upset and terrified I wouldn’t see my daughter again, because I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to live. And when I realized after a few surgeries that it was hopeful that I would, I started to think about how life would be. I remember watching TV just to study the biomechanics behind walking, because I knew I would have to learn how to walk again. I had all those normal human emotions and questions: Am I going to find somebody who loves me for me now? How is sex going to be? How is it going to be to get around and to do everyday things? Am I going to be able to go to college? Finish college? But I knew I was very fortunate to be alive, and I knew I’d still be able to do things—I didn’t have brain damage. I was young.

I had a newfound perspective on life. I had this joy that emanated from me. I felt a halo around me, this glow. It was palpable. People noticed it; I didn’t even have to tell them. They were drawn to me like a magnet. Everywhere I went, people would touch me and say something kind: “You’re beautiful.” “I would marry you in a second.” Random things. I was always smiling from ear to ear just because I was breathing.

I started school a little over a year after losing my leg. I was a good student before, but I was an even better student after. It made me look at my priorities a little better in understanding that life, just like that, can be gone. In a split second things can change. So I became very intentional with how I spent my time.

On Adapting His Practice

I had reservations after losing my leg that maybe I couldn’t do yoga anymore. Of course my practice was never the same, but it morphed. I got really into restorative yoga. Early on in my practice, I thought everything had to be perfect. And it’s not about that. Today we see people of all types and shapes and abilities practicing yoga and mine might not look as graceful as yours or even remotely like yours, but it’s still OK. My practice is my practice.

see also 6 Ways to Avoid Ableism in Yoga Classes

On Working Within The Political Justice System 

I grew up in a community that was harassed by police. But yet I have to work with the guy that runs the police, right? And I’ve been able to navigate that space pretty well. Somebody has to do it. If not me, then who? It’s a constant tug of war with me. I’m an impacted person.

I actually said to one of my professors, “I turned down this role to work for a mayor in Hawaii because the city was tearing down homeless encampments. You’re trying to get us to work in government, but how do I reconcile something that’s against my values?” She said, “But if not you, then who? We need smart.” She said we need people who are passionate about these issues in those roles.

see also Try This Restorative, Hip-Opening Yoga Sequence for Ultimate Rejuvenation

On The Challenges of Re-entry After Incarceration 

The communities where I grew up were over-policed and over-incarcerated. My mother was incarcerated and my younger brother has been in and out of prison for the past 11 years. My uncle was in prison for half his life. The way society and the criminal justice system are designed is that when people break a law and are convicted of a crime, they go to jail or prison—and when they get out, they’re expected to just go back and be productive members of the community. But there are all these barriers in place that essentially don’t allow them to successfully reintegrate. For instance, it’s very difficult to get a job if someone has a felony conviction. Housing is a huge problem: When people get out, they don’t have access to housing or they can’t qualify to rent something, because they have a criminal record. That is by design. It was intentional.

On Police and Prison Reform

The system was designed to disenfranchise a particular group, and it’s doing what it was intended to do. So when people say, “Oh, we need reforms,” [I ask] reforms of what? The system is working the way it was designed. We need to burn the system down and recreate it with everybody in mind. I’m not a visionary.

I want to do some transformative work, but it’s going to take visionaries to ask what this country would look like without police or prisons. Most people can’t fathom that. But we haven’t always had these things, and societies have lived in harmony without them. Yes, ours is unique because we have many different cultures and belief systems that make change challenging, but it’s doable.

On Body Confidence

My accident happened 17 years ago, and aside from the past few years, I hadn’t worn shorts all that time. I had a lot of insecurities about showing my prosthesis. I worried about people staring—what would they say, what would they think? But when I would visit Hawaii, it was OK. I was able to wear shorts and not feel those insecurities. But here, in the Bay Area, it was a struggle. I wanted to overcome it and I didn’t really know how to. I had been talking about it with people close to me for years and playing these stories in my head of the insecurity itself.

And one day, I went on a hike here in the Bay Area in shorts. Nobody was on the trail. Afterward, we went and had lunch in downtown Berkeley. Instead of putting my sweatpants back on to go eat in the restaurant, I decided to keep my shorts on. And yes, people looked, and children made comments, but that’s natural. It ended up not being a big deal. It was something that I had built up in my head. It didn’t come quick, but after that, here and there I would wear shorts, and it got easier and easier and easier, to the point where now I actually prefer it. The thing that I felt disempowered by, I feel empowered by now.

Practice Steven's sequence for keeping hope alive.

[cedarrrun]

Here, the above-the-knee amputee waxes on forgiveness, his yoga practice, and living life to the fullest.

On a breezy late-May afternoon in Berkeley, California, Steven Medeiros stands atop a craggy peak in Indian Rock park, a popular bouldering and hangout spot that overlooks the San Francisco Bay skyline. With a denim jacket flung across his shoulder and the wind in his face, the 42-year-old looks more like an Avenger or a GQ cover model than a UC Berkeley student. In a few weeks, Medeiros, who lost his left leg in a motorcycle accident when he was 25, will travel to Honolulu for a summer gig working on the ACLU of Hawaii’s Smart Justice Campaign, a national criminal justice initiative that aims to reduce the prison population and address prosecutorial accountability. An activist and advocate for police accountability and prison reform, Medeiros is pursuing a master’s degree at Berkeley’s Goldman School of Public Policy (ranked one of the country’s best) so he can effect change from the inside by helping to reimagine current systems and structures.

Listen to Steven talk about healing from complex trauma on YJ's The Yoga Show podcast.

Medeiros, who identifies as Latinx and Hawaiian, has both witnessed and experienced the oppressive, detrimental effects of the American criminal justice system on people of color and impoverished populations. Growing up in Fremont, a racially diverse city in the Bay Area, he was exposed early on to police harassment of his community. His mother, a single mom who suffered from addiction, was incarcerated for a drug offense when he was only four years old. With his father out of the picture, Medeiros went to live with his paternal grandparents, who raised him. Eight years later, newly released from prison, his mother was murdered—run down by a truck while walking home from her job at a fast-food restaurant in East Oakland. The case went unsolved, but witnesses say they saw the truck chasing her, suggesting it was a targeted attack. As an adolescent, the impact on Medeiros was monumental. “For the next nine years, I engaged in a lot of toxic behavior, hanging out with troublemakers, gang members, people from broken homes who were dealing with similar things that I could relate to,” he says.

see also How Restorative Yoga Can Help Heal Racial Wounding

In that time, Medeiros’s interactions with law enforcement shaped the trajectory of his career. When he was 21, he was assaulted by a police officer with a tire iron during a routine traffic stop. At 22, he was racially profiled and arrested “for being brown downtown,” he says—booked for public intoxication although he had not been drinking. “It was the first time I had truly felt helpless and powerless,” he says.

Twenty years later, his goal is to help make sure other people never have to feel that way. As a policy student, the issues he’s most passionate about are police and prosecutorial accountability, mass incarceration, and reentry for formerly incarcerated people. To that end, before enrolling in graduate school, Medeiros worked at the ACLU of Northern California as a program coordinator in the Organizing Department and now serves as a county commissioner for Alameda County, where he’s hoping to improve the challenges surrounding prisoner reentry at a local level.

see also How The Transformation Yoga Project is Helping Prisoners Find Peace

From Troubled Child to Changemaker

Forgiveness and family have been central to Medeiros healing from his childhood traumas. Being a compassionate and loving father to his daughter, Destiny, who at 23 has marched with him in Pride parades and Black Lives Matter protests, is his utmost priority. The like-minded duo share similar political opinions and that activist spark. On weekends, they can often be found restaurant hopping in San Francisco or exploring the outdoors. Medeiros has worked hard to instill values in Destiny such as tolerance and “not subscribing to shortcomings is what finally turned his life around.

Although he can recall a time not so long ago when he was considered a bad influence among his own family, Medeiros has grown into a role model for those who orbit him today. “His ability to be unapologetic in his stances—in his beliefs and values—has given me the courage to also live my life confidently and proudly,” says his cousin Sofia Dangerfield, who credits him with helping her two daughters grow into “open-minded little beings.”

“People always tell me, ‘You’re the most balanced person I know,’” for—for people who need it the most: people of color, women, LGBTQ folks—are being rolled back,” he says. He knows being a changemaker won’t be easy, but when overwhelm threatens to slow him down, his healing practices will help him power forward. “Equanimity, my favorite word, means having composure when things are chaotic and wild around you,” he says.

Here’s what else Medeiros had to say about what fires him up and keeps him cool—including police and prison reform, accessible yoga, and healing after a life-threatening injury.

see also This Yoga Sequence Will Reduce Stress and Boost Immunity

On Finding Yoga 

Between 18 and 22, I was really low. I had tried to turn my life around many times before, but I was always just addressing the symptoms of my problems, not the root of them. I’d stop hanging out with troublemakers, maintain a job, cease drinking and partying. But I was still angry and hurt. I hadn’t addressed the trauma of my childhood. Being an avid reader, I frequented bookstores, and I came across a yoga book. I had never heard of yoga, but I was really intrigued by what I read. I started to self-teach at home. It was challenging, and I like that. I’m a very physical person. I played competitive sports and practiced karate, so yoga was another challenge for me. I had felt so numb for the longest time—I didn’t feel alive. But every time I do yoga, I feel physically better. Things that I deal with, especially with what’s happening now with current events, tend to manifest physically—in my lower body, my jaw, and my shoulders. This practice has helped me release that, and I know it’s always going to work.

On Forgiveness 

My mother’s death had a profound effect on my life. I started questioning my self-worth. Was I destined to end up like my parents? As a teenager, I had yet to fully conceptualize the idea of choice and the role it would play in my life. After my mother died, I spiraled out of control.

I lost all interest in school and sports.

I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol and ran with the local gangs. My life looked bleak. At 22, I was exhausted and desperate for change, and I started the process of looking inward for solutions.

A message came to me that I had to forgive my parents.

Just like that, I forgave them wholeheartedly, and I felt different right away—a new person. I have never looked back. I not only forgave them for the things that they did and didn’t do, but I forgave others who had caused me trauma, and that included the people who killed my mother. I had been harboring so much anger and using that as fuel for some of the behaviors I was engaging in. But when I decided to forgive, I felt this complete release, and that allowed me to focus on other things. I jumped back into books and started down this path of self-help, deep introspection, and self-discovery. I decided to set aside anything I thought could be a distraction to me and my growth as a person and a father. I rekindled my relationship with my family, because in my youth, my “family” had become the streets. And when you’re in that, you think those people are your ride-or-dies, and they’re really not.

[Today] I talk to youths, and I tell them they’re more than the sum of their mistakes. Because of past actions, we think we don’t have a viable future given the systems in place. But I decided I wasn’t going to let that hinder me—that I was still worthy of having a good life of love despite my mistakes. So I had to forgive myself as well, which allowed me to live freely in the present with a new awareness of self and others. 

see also 4 Must-Try Restorative Poses—& How to Get the Most Support from Your Props

On Losing His Leg 

I never thought I’d make it to 18. And then my accident happened when I was doing good in life. I grappled with that. Because I felt like I had done the work. I was really upset and terrified I wouldn’t see my daughter again, because I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to live. And when I realized after a few surgeries that it was hopeful that I would, I started to think about how life would be. I remember watching TV just to study the biomechanics behind walking, because I knew I would have to learn how to walk again. I had all those normal human emotions and questions: Am I going to find somebody who loves me for me now? How is sex going to be? How is it going to be to get around and to do everyday things? Am I going to be able to go to college? Finish college? But I knew I was very fortunate to be alive, and I knew I’d still be able to do things—I didn’t have brain damage. I was young.

I had a newfound perspective on life. I had this joy that emanated from me. I felt a halo around me, this glow. It was palpable. People noticed it; I didn’t even have to tell them. They were drawn to me like a magnet. Everywhere I went, people would touch me and say something kind: “You’re beautiful.” “I would marry you in a second.” Random things. I was always smiling from ear to ear just because I was breathing.

I started school a little over a year after losing my leg. I was a good student before, but I was an even better student after. It made me look at my priorities a little better in understanding that life, just like that, can be gone. In a split second things can change. So I became very intentional with how I spent my time.

On Adapting His Practice

I had reservations after losing my leg that maybe I couldn’t do yoga anymore. Of course my practice was never the same, but it morphed. I got really into restorative yoga. Early on in my practice, I thought everything had to be perfect. And it’s not about that. Today we see people of all types and shapes and abilities practicing yoga and mine might not look as graceful as yours or even remotely like yours, but it’s still OK. My practice is my practice.

see also 6 Ways to Avoid Ableism in Yoga Classes

On Working Within The Political Justice System 

I grew up in a community that was harassed by police. But yet I have to work with the guy that runs the police, right? And I’ve been able to navigate that space pretty well. Somebody has to do it. If not me, then who? It’s a constant tug of war with me. I’m an impacted person.

I actually said to one of my professors, “I turned down this role to work for a mayor in Hawaii because the city was tearing down homeless encampments. You’re trying to get us to work in government, but how do I reconcile something that’s against my values?” She said, “But if not you, then who? We need smart.” She said we need people who are passionate about these issues in those roles.

see also Try This Restorative, Hip-Opening Yoga Sequence for Ultimate Rejuvenation

On The Challenges of Re-entry After Incarceration 

The communities where I grew up were over-policed and over-incarcerated. My mother was incarcerated and my younger brother has been in and out of prison for the past 11 years. My uncle was in prison for half his life. The way society and the criminal justice system are designed is that when people break a law and are convicted of a crime, they go to jail or prison—and when they get out, they’re expected to just go back and be productive members of the community. But there are all these barriers in place that essentially don’t allow them to successfully reintegrate. For instance, it’s very difficult to get a job if someone has a felony conviction. Housing is a huge problem: When people get out, they don’t have access to housing or they can’t qualify to rent something, because they have a criminal record. That is by design. It was intentional.

On Police and Prison Reform

The system was designed to disenfranchise a particular group, and it’s doing what it was intended to do. So when people say, “Oh, we need reforms,” [I ask] reforms of what? The system is working the way it was designed. We need to burn the system down and recreate it with everybody in mind. I’m not a visionary.

I want to do some transformative work, but it’s going to take visionaries to ask what this country would look like without police or prisons. Most people can’t fathom that. But we haven’t always had these things, and societies have lived in harmony without them. Yes, ours is unique because we have many different cultures and belief systems that make change challenging, but it’s doable.

On Body Confidence

My accident happened 17 years ago, and aside from the past few years, I hadn’t worn shorts all that time. I had a lot of insecurities about showing my prosthesis. I worried about people staring—what would they say, what would they think? But when I would visit Hawaii, it was OK. I was able to wear shorts and not feel those insecurities. But here, in the Bay Area, it was a struggle. I wanted to overcome it and I didn’t really know how to. I had been talking about it with people close to me for years and playing these stories in my head of the insecurity itself.

And one day, I went on a hike here in the Bay Area in shorts. Nobody was on the trail. Afterward, we went and had lunch in downtown Berkeley. Instead of putting my sweatpants back on to go eat in the restaurant, I decided to keep my shorts on. And yes, people looked, and children made comments, but that’s natural. It ended up not being a big deal. It was something that I had built up in my head. It didn’t come quick, but after that, here and there I would wear shorts, and it got easier and easier and easier, to the point where now I actually prefer it. The thing that I felt disempowered by, I feel empowered by now.

See also Steven's sequence for Powered Practice

[diariesofana]

Jan 18,2019 suicide

You know what’s the worst part of it all? It’s not the pain, it’s not the fact that I want to die.. it’s that I physically can’t do it. I can’t kill myself. I don’t want to live but the fear of attempting to commit suicide and failing to die then complications occurring instead. Or just failing and those around me know what i tried to do. I’ve gone through so much in my life a lot of mental abuse by literally everyone I love. I’ve had no structure in my and most of all, the majority of my life I grew up not knowing what love is. Till this day I don’t know what unconditional love feels like. The moment God sent me the purest form of unconditional love I killed it. I know my mom is right that i will amount to nothing. I can try so hard but in the end I am nothing. I see so many people become everything they wish and hoped for and here I am at 24 trying to learn things about life one should learn at 7. I try to love myself but how can i? When I’m being torn down by my own mother. And always have. I was physically abused by two older men. My family will never know about because they just know to throw it in my face later on.. what will my mom say? Oh.. “ you deserved that” yeah no, exactly those words. And then, she’ll also saying something along the lines of “you provoked it” sorry it’s not my fault that I, uncontrollably developed boobs at an uncomfortably young young age. Two men. Two different times. But, still had a huge impact in my development and life.

How about my entire life growing up with two parents that hate each other? I remember being 5 and my mom took a knife to my dad after throwing the coffee table across the room? She was pointing it to my dads stomach with the point of the knife actually touching his skin. I was fucking 5 years old. How about it being spring and seeing all the families outside together, how i longed for that. Somewhere along 10-now i lost the desire of having my family close and lost my values that were naturally instilled in me of being family oriented. Why would i be? When i will never have that. I tried again and quickly came to realize as much as i try and crave it, that is a battle i will lose. I am the only one in this family who still tries.. everyone is out living their own life separately. I hate it but, thats what i mean by no one truly loves me. How about the fact that I didn’t even have a relationship with my dad until I ran away. It took me running away st the age of 15 for my dad to realize hey maybe build a relationship with my daughter instead of being such a dick all the time. Before that, i would look st my dad and feel like i was living with a stranger. I didn’t know much about him other than he works and comes home to fight. I was scared of him.

Growing up i was constantly put down. No shock as to why I don’t have any self esteem. But it’s blamed on me not on the people who shot it down to the ground. No, it’ll never be my moms fault. She didn’t call me ugly fat and worthless starting st the age of 7, maybe even before who knows but my (according to her) indent stupid brain can’t recall. I had an eating disorder because of her calling me fat and constantly comparing me to others. Did you know she compared me to an actress that was 25 years old? Thalia while i was 7-10. I felt shitty about myself because i didn’t look like her. My body was not shaped like hers (obviously i am 10 years old!!!!!!) so i developed anoerxia nervosa later on to bulimia. Of course though, she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know how her words affected me so deeply and until this day. But it wasn’t only her. My whole school called me every white slut smut name in the book and not only my school, but my dad too. Imagine, the person who is supposed to uplift you and wipe tears away from your face because you’re getting bullied is only contributing to the pain? Now, i knew i wasn’t a slut so what those kids had to say didn’t really affect me.... because let’s be serious i was being called much worse st home but, what when my own father called me that which such disgust too, it fucked me up. I have never been the smart girl, the funny girl, the cool girl. I’ve only been the sexy slutty one.

To all the boys I’ve loved. You contributed to all my traumas and then, created new ones. Miguel, you mentally abused me.. but what was new because I’m used to it right? My whole life. Wrong. It’s different because to some extent I thought love still existed and i would find it in a man since i could not at home. Only to my surprise, again like i always am in my life I was wrong. But the pain and traumas he caused are minute compared to everything I endured during my 6 year relationship with Zaire. Only adding on to my insecurities. I do want to add none of these men are responsible for adding on or creating traumas because, they didn’t know my past. He made me feel dumb, boring, not good enough, that if i got fat he wouldn’t be sexually attracted to me anymore. His words not mine. I also traveled down memory lane to bulimia on that one. He was confused about his feelings towards me and if he wanted to be with me.. which made me spiral out of control because yet again, unstable love. I’ve never had someone stable in my life with their feelings. Not even my dad. I hit the lowest of rock bottoms i had anxiety 24/7 i started self medicating to numb the pain.. no LITERSLLY NUMB THE PAIN. How does one do that for hours st a time? I took sleeping medicine to sleep through the pain only no, because i would have nightmares about it. But still it was fictional and st the end of the day id rather sleep and go through that than be up tempted to text/call or lurk on ig only to find out yes being thirsty for Jasmine. It worked until i would wake up with my heart racing a million miles an hour and it would all hit me, all the anxiety i slept through would hit me as soon as a woke up. Like roll over anxiety.oop bitch you didn’t use up all your minutes during this time but don’t worry we will roll over all the pain anxiety and sadness so you get it all st once as soon as you wake up :) what a tough two and a half years to be with someone that doesn’t love you. Life is great but it gets better. 3 years later god sends you a gift from heaven and both or you guys decide to kill it. Kill an innocent human being, a baby. Because he never loved you or his future child enough to go through with it.

Pregnancy - wow. The second hardest thing I’ve had to go through. Trust me when i say during this time you want to be with someone who truly loves you because it is such a vulnerably time in a women’s life. It’s a beautiful chapter if gone through with the correct person. Sadly, of course i chose the wrong one or should i say, god had a different plan for me because i did not chose to get pregnant that day. Morning sickness is horrible and the lack of energy was brutal. The back pain was on another level. But what was the worst part of it all was the half ass boyfriend i had. No support. No love. No patience. You know what takes place for the first hardest thing I’ve gone through in my life? Abortion. It’s not what people make it seem online, it’s worse. No one goes into detail about abortion and it start from the proper counseling. I get it, i don’t solely blame them because st the end of the day they have x amount of girls a day and most of them have made up their mind about getting the procedure done, also what more can they do if they ask if you’re sure and you say yes? Not much more, but i wish more women would share their stories before during and after. I was lucky enough to document my emotions the day before after and during. The physiological affects it has on you takes a huge toll on your will to live. Regret is my sidekick. Itlll always be there with me. The physical affects are worse too. Omg the sharp pains from where they scraped you’re uterus... a constant reminder of your regret let me tell you. Even months later almost a year i still sometimes feel those scrapes. I don’t even want it to go away though because i will hold on to any reminder of what used to be. That fucked my entire life up. A decision a man made.

Now, i don’t believe in love. I don’t believe they there is someone out there who will love me for me nor do i want it. I am so fearful of ever loving someone again that i just push everyone away. Imagine me going through another guy fake love me again. Love comes in different many forms but, i chose to love things that will never leave me. Things that can’t reciprocate love back. I am so tired of living my life in hostile negative regretful environments but i have tethered those emotions in my heart and mind. It’s made me stronger but in the name of pain? In the name of trauma? In the new of never being able to truly love yourself to its full capacity or even a capacity that you are able to feel confidence? Moving out and starting my life fresh new with different people will be the only way. Yes, finally running away from my problems. Family doesn’t aleahs equal blood sadly i have finally came to terms with that.

God, there’s nothing in this world that i want wore than to see my baby again. To meet with him/her and to explain my decision. To be with him/her that’s all i want. I know the price i have to pay on their earth for making that decision is going to be a cruel punishment i have to fully go through. But emotionally i give up and physically too. God i just ask that tonight instead of taking a life away of someone who will truly be missed or who is accomplishing something or will in the future.. someone who had a life full of love, take mine instead. Please.