#it's on my grief playlist and it's particularly relevant | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kindsummer · 4 months ago

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FANCAM TAG

thank you @canofpeaches for the tag! i jump at every opportunity to talk about my main oc forever, my mattyboy. thankfully, i also started a spotify playlist for him already (not that it's finished at all...) which can be found here.

rules: pick 5 songs you think would be used for fancam videos if your OC was canon and tag 5 people.

something real - post malone | so give me somethin' i can feel. light a cigarette just so i can breathe, give me somethin' i can feel (yeah). whiskey lullaby just to fall asleep, give me somethin', somethin' real (yeah, ooh). i would trade my life just to be at peace.

this is more relevant to certain fics than others, but one of matt's vices is a hefty issue with alcohol (among other things, depending) that he inherited from his father. he closes off his own emotions and creates a mask out of this drunken persona that makes him feel like he's more likeable to others. it has the added benefit of numbing emotions, which is a crutch he uses it for more often. the mask aspect has yet to be seen in published works, but will be seen in a wip. ;)

waffle house - jonas brothers | we never knew how to forfeit (hey now), but we always knew how to talk sh- (hey now). headstrong father and a determined mother, oh, that's why some nights we tried to kill each other.

this is one of the happier songs on the playlist. i relate this song to matt's found family as well as his actual family, excluding his father. the people that he loves are the best part of matt's life, and comradery found even in the most contentious times is represented in this song to me. it's the classic family trope of you love 'em even if sometimes they make you want to hit them over the head with the 'bonk' meme bat.

meet you at the graveyard - cleffy | my rock, my friend, we always said we'd live this life until we made it to the end. so why aren't you right here, right next to me? i will meet you at the graveyard. where you lay down, where you stay now. faced up, cold heart, no longer by my side now. wish we were together, now I don't know when I will see you

a lot of matt's different backstories in fics have to do with grief. like, a lot, and that's probably because i (as the author) have faced a lot of grief in my life. i think this song is particularly relevant to fly like an angel because it's kind of like a love letter to dallas. dallas, who is by matt's side forever in other fics, dies as the instigating moment that pushes the plot forward. and i didn't intend it initially, but she grew to haunt the narrative, because she is such an important part of his life. in a way, it's sort of like saying that they will always find one another in each life, even if they aren't in the current one together. i think it's sweet, in a forth wall breaking sort of way.

preach - john legend | i can't sit and hope, i can't just sit and pray, that i can find a love, when all i see is pain. falling to my knees, and though I do believe i can't just preach, baby, preach

another theme that is usually present in fics with matt as the protagonist is a struggle of faith. this song is definitely christian, but i feel like the underlying message is something that matt can relate to even in his judaism. because of grief, or other outlying factors, matt struggles with the idea leaving his fate in hashem's hands. when bad things happen, he tends to lose faith, to question the purpose of it if unimaginable cruelty is possible. he can't just sit and hope and pray when it never seems to do anything.

carlo's song - noah kahan | did you find what you were looking for? some escape from your skin. you know that place you were dreaming of, where all light comes in. i hope you know I grew my hair out long, and your sister's just fine. i keep burning my bridges down just to keep you alive.

we've returned to the ultimate theme that repeats in all of matt's storylines: grief. this relates to fly like an angel but not only that. the last line in particular stands out to me: i keep burning my bridges down just to keep you alive. matt will burn the entire world down if it means that he won't forget the people he's loved and lost. another lyric that sticks out: they say they don't know who i am anymore, but i just have never shown anger before. the hold that grief has on matt is like shackles, he just wants to keep his loved ones alive long after they're dead because he can't let go of them. i think this is particularly evident in an often skipped over fic (even though it's one of my favorites), meet me on the equinox. i decided the entire ending of the story while i was writing the last two chapters. matt is killed because he won't let go of the man he lost centuries ago, and that subconscious choice has consequences he never has to face. ugh. i have so many thoughts. noah kahan's lyrics in general are like the blueprint for matt's life.

tagging: @thoughpoppiesblow @cup-noodle @noneedtoamputate !!

#matt meir #i could literally talk about him forever #ugh my baby <3

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littlepatchofhell · 2 years ago

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I'm trying to get into Lito's headspace for writing so Imma share his playlist and maybe chat about some particularly relevant lyrics.

Lito's auditory hallucinations as he writes love letters alone in the dark

Spoilers ahead!

The songs were all chosen for their hollow sound and themes of isolation and grief. They playlist is generally split into three sections. 1) Hello darkness, my old friend. He's lived imprisoned underground for a decade or more. The rest of his family had been executed by the Empress for political reasons. With no sense of time, he clings to his last shred of sanity by concentrating all his thoughts on translating the texts given to him by Empress Vanita Mori who is the only person who knows he's alive. 2) I would not ask you where you came from. I could not ask and neither can you. His despair is interrupted when Vanita throws another man down in the dungeons with him. This stranger cannot speak any language familiar to Lito but seems to be able to read the ancient tongue which had been dead for a few hundred years. Lito falls hard for him. 3) Miss you terribly already. Miss the space between your eyelids. The stranger turns out to the lover of the very Sun himself, Helianthus, who had come to Astuvia with the sole goal of ending his eternal life. Lito does not know how to handle all of that and despairs. Some notable songs in the mix I don't know by wax tailor This song is meant to reflect how Lito thinks of the confusing and upsetting events that lead to his imprisonment. How he sits awake in the dark with the voices of his dead family interrogating him with questions he doesn't understand and can't answer.

two men in love by the irrepressible Poor Lito did not stand a chance when he met Helianthus. He goes from not seeing another human being for years to having a demigod of sex dropped into his lap. So I felt the bombastic, orchestra and the desperate vocals of this song were fitting.

small hands by keaton henson There's a point in the story when Lito has accepted the Helianthus has to die. He may not understand it or agree, but he knows there's nothing he can do to stop it. So Lito chooses to do everything he can to just be there for him in his last days and keep his grief to himself.

#character playlist #c: lito graphia #spoilers #Spotify

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juniorgman187 · 4 years ago

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The Bones (Reid Series) Part 1

Summary: Almost a year after Maeve’s death, Spencer reaches out to the recipients of Maeve’s donated organs to reconnect with his lost love. However, when the receiver of her heart, Reader, doesn’t write back, Spencer goes on a poorly-motivated mission to find her.

Playlist: “The Bones” by Maren Morris & Hozier (BONUS: song includes major foreshadowing)

A/N: There is an OC in this story because to me, writing “(y/n)” over and over again cheapens the story and doesn’t flow well. It was a personal decision, and to anyone it sincerely bothers, I’m sure there’s a way you can insert your own name instead. This fic is also inspired by “Things We Know By Heart” by Jessi Kirby. Category: Series, Soft Angst, Eventual Smut + NSFW content* Pairing: Spencer Reid POV x Fem!OC Content Warning: allusions to death, mourning, loss, recovery, arrhythmia (this is an intro chapter, so it’ll get more interesting from here I promise) Word Count: 2.2k

This will be a multi-part series.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It all started that first autumn after Maeve’s death - just five weeks past a year since I parted with her. I was absentmindedly reading when, rather out of the blue, Mary Donovan called to inform me about a Mrs. Rachel Larsen.

Although we didn’t learn her actual name until later, she was first known to us as the recipient of Maeve’s liver. Not a single one of the three of us - Maeve’s parents and me - had expected a recipient to be in contact with us. That inability to predict such an event was caused by my neglect to remember Maeve was an organ donor. It wasn’t particularly relevant in the grand scheme of things, and for that forgetfulness, I was truly ashamed, but after reading Rachel Larsen’s letter together with the Donovans, it all came back to me.

Every single thing.

You see, despite the anonymity of the person writing to us, it was as if I could actually feel Maeve’s soul coming alive again, as strange as that sounds.

She was still here with me ... in some form.

Later that night, when I would return to an empty apartment, I would wonder why I hadn’t thought of reaching out to the recipients before. Even though I’d already started writing a thank you letter back to Rachel, the thirst for more of Maeve became increasingly insatiable.

While I did have fond memories of her to live by, I couldn’t thrive off of them in the way that I did with that letter. Our only moments together worth reliving were those spent over the phone, a time when I didn’t even know what she looked like. But that letter from Rachel Larsen ... it was somehow more wholesome and pure than any memory of the living Maeve that I could cultivate.

You could say I was doing this to ease my mourning, meaning it should’ve made me feel better, but that didn’t stop the guilt from eating away at me piece by piece as I wrote letters to the rest of the recipients.

The Donovans had no idea I was doing this, but I reasoned to myself that they would appreciate the surprise. Though they were still undeniably riddled with grief, smiles embellished their sullen faces when they read about Rachel’s quality of life now with a new liver. So maybe, just maybe, hearing from the rest of the receivers would be good for us all. At least, that’s what I told myself.

In one of those rare moments when inspiration strikes and it courses through your veins at the speed of lightning, I found myself being more productive than I had been in nearly a year. By midnight, I’d successfully composed five letters, each dedicated to the receiver of one of Maeve’s major organs - none of which, though, included my identity.

Given the fragile process of contacting the transplant coordinators, getting consent forms, and premeeting counseling, it would be months, if not years, before I would be able to really speak with these faceless people. Nothing against Donor Family Services - I’m sure they do the best they can - but for me, their best wasn’t good enough. So instead, I enlisted the help of someone I knew could never let me down.

“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Penelope peered up at me from her seat, her pinky finger hesitantly hovering over the ‘enter’ button.

“Yes.”

With just one click, she discovered the addresses of each one of those faceless people. This singular operation, albeit somewhat unethical, was the final piece to my puzzle. All there was left to do now was send the letters to them, with the tenuous hope they might send one back.

Luckily for me, not a single recipient questioned how I managed to find them or why this process wasn’t being handled by Donor Family Services, but I suppose if they did wonder those things, they didn’t feel comfortable asking me. Especially not after they learned who I was in relation to their donor. I didn’t intend to guilt-trip anyone with what I wrote in my letters nor did I want to take advantage of anyone’s empathy, but how could you possibly make a foe out of your organ donor’s grieving boyfriend? Exactly - you can’t. So you don’t. Instead, you send an inviting letter back, telling me you’d love to meet. Which is what four of them did.

Only one person didn’t reply, and while an 80% success rate was great, I simply couldn’t let this one go. Trust me, I would have ... had it been any other organ.

For quite some time, I was the one with Maeve’s heart.

I just needed to see where it was now.

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃

The heart has several definitions and corresponding connotations.

Scientifically speaking, the heart is a hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation. However, figuratively, the heart can be seen as the central or innermost part of something. The heart of a city, for example. But in literature, the heart is symbolic of love. It is often regarded as the source of all knowledge, which is where the comparison between the head and the heart comes from. The head operates logically, whereas the heart functions emotionally, but despite the rationality the head holds, the heart is what people advise you to listen to because it holds the ultimate truth.

The heart, because it is equipped with your truest feelings, supersedes any logic and reason the head might hold.

But you see, I only ever knew Maeve’s mind. I could understand the inner workings of it - I’d probably be able to navigate through her consciousness if I entered it given the fact that our intellect matched one another’s - and I shared nearly identical thought processes with her, but that was all that I ever knew.

And if that was how much knowledge she held in her head alone, then, undoubtedly, her heart held so much more.

Science defines the heart as an organ. Figurative language uses the heart to establish a focal point. Literature likens the heart to love. But I compare her heart to the ocean. Like the sea, Maeve’s heart was 80% undiscovered, and exploration was simply calling my name.

For that reason, and that reason alone, I couldn’t abandon my pursuit of it.

That’s not to say I wasn’t ashamed of this mission, though. If anything, shame for the man I had become in the face of Maeve’s death was the only feeling I was truly capable of anymore. Any other emotions were fleeting or insincere.

Unfortunately, that slimy, disgusting feeling was only amplified times ten when I found myself driving two hours and forty-five minutes to get to Virginia Beach.

No sane man would drive this far on a weekday for even their most prized possession, and yet here I was, exactly 180 miles away from home, seeking out someone who hadn’t had the courtesy to even write me back, let alone agree to meet with me. Who knows if she’d even give me the time of day.

She being Valerie.

“Valerie Elise Bishop was born on August 5th, 1988 in Henderson, Nevada, to parents Andrew and Sara, but when Valerie turned seventeen, she was diagnosed with arrhythmia,” Garcia explained to me over the phone on the car ride here. “It’s when-”

“When the electrical impulses that coordinate your heartbeats don't work properly, causing your heart to beat too fast, too slow or irregularly,” I accidentally cut in. Realizing I interrupted Garcia, I brought her back into the conversation by asking, “I know there are more than 3 million cases per year in the U.S, but isn’t it usually common for ages 60 or older?”

“You are most certainly correct, Boy Wonder. It is more common in ages 60 and older, however, her maternal grandmother passed away from arrhythmia, so the family history increased the likelihood.”

At the sound of this news, I had to pull the car over and physically stop just so I could grasp the weight of what I was really doing.

“In Henderson, Nevada ... maternal grandmother passed away ... family history increased the likelihood …” Garcia’s voice rang in my head.

It was then that I came face to face with the gravity of reality.

Valerie wasn’t just a faceless name or a recipient of Maeve’s heart, she was a person. And her humanity only became more apparent to me the more Penelope spoke.

For god’s sake, she and I grew up in the same state. She and I saw the same sunsets from the same little corner of the earth. She drove down the same highways and byways - we might’ve even crossed paths at one point or another! Not to mention that she lost her grandmother to the same disease that she was suffering from, and if there was one thing consistent about arrhythmia, it was very likely she’d been living with it for decades, if not her entire lifetime. It’s a long term disease that takes years to improve but only seconds to kill. All it would take is just one irregular beat, and she’d be dead. How can you possibly live with that constant fear looming over your head?

She is a person. I had to remind myself. Not just a means to explore more of Maeve.

“Hey, Garcia,” I turned the car back on. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“What do you mean?” I could just feel panic begin to rise in Garcia.

“No, I’m not talking about life, I’m talking about this.” Though she couldn’t see, I grandly gestured to the location, the car, and the passenger seat that was cluttered with files on Valerie. “I don’t feel right invading her privacy like this. It’s just selfish.”

I wasn’t the only one mourning something here.

“Are you sure?” Penelope clarified. Which was ironic considering she was the one who was unsure of doing any of this, to begin with. What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have dragged Garcia into this. Something as immoral as this was totally against her character, but she did it anyway because her loyalty to her friends conquers all.

Like I said, my shame multiplied times ten. If not for Valerie, then certainly for Penelope.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m heading home.”

“Okay,” She softly returned. “Be safe.”

“Oh, and Garcia?” I asked before ending the call. “Thanks.”

“Of course. Anything for you, Dr. Reid.”

By the time I ended the call, the sun was already setting - that’s how long I’d been on the road for. The nearly-three-hour drive I would have to make for the second time today meant I wouldn’t be home in time to beat the pitch-black sky, so considering I was already in for a long night, I made a little detour for the one thing I couldn’t go home without.

A piping hot cup of coffee.

I felt something as rewarding as caffeine was well deserved for the self-restraint I demonstrated minutes ago. And maybe it was my exhaustion, both mental and physical, that brought me to the near conclusion that I would truly let this go, but I was honestly feeling like I could accept this. An 80% acceptance rate. Not bad, right?

Though I was basically half-asleep while waiting for my coffee, I could not miss the barista when she said, “Valerie! Your order’s ready!”

What are the chances?

A jolt of energy surged through my body and brought me back to life, causing me to whip my head around at the slightest semblance of movement. On instinct, my gaze gravitated to the woman walking towards the front counter. My pull to her was so strong that even if I hadn’t studied file upon file on her that included pictures of what she looked like, I still would’ve recognized her in a heartbeat.

I just knew. That’s her.

I had no plan whatsoever for how I should approach this, and yet I still rose from my seat, motivated by nothing more than the single belief that I needed to.

Was this the universe telling me that I was meant to run into her after all? That I needed to meet the woman with an oceanic heart?

But when I finally got to where she was, she glided effortlessly past me, not paying any mind to my presence. Why would she though? To her, I was no one. To her, I was the faceless person.

“Excuse me!” I bolted to the front counter after realizing I might’ve just missed my opportunity. The barista, stunned and concerned, furrowed her brows while she waited for my question. “Is that girl a regular here?”

“Valerie?” She pointed in her direction, to which I nodded rapidly. “Oh, yeah. She comes in here all the time. She works just across the street.”

When I came to this coffee shop, it was simply by chance. It wasn’t even the closest cafe, but it was the one I chose to go to for some inexplicable reason.

I’d like to think it was fate. I was meant to be here after all. Because right behind me stood the storefront of a building I had only briefly read about in Valerie’s file.

The Bones, Art Gallery & Studio

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

PART 2 HERE!

comment to be added to taglist or CLICK HERE to be added to a taglist of your choice!

taglist: @rainsong01 @calm-and-doctor @inkstainedwritergirl @rexorangecouny @ashwarren32 @carooliina @fortheloveofcriminalminds @watermelongubler @obsessedmaggiemay @k-k0129 @aperrywilliams @eevee0722

@dreatine @bisexualwomanofcolour @andiebeaword @a-broken-pact @kylab @thelovelyrose @rexorangecouny @goldentournesol @sierraraeck

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #the bones #the bones pt 1 #juniorgman187

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 4 years ago

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Blink Twice for Final Judgement | Short Story Update

Hello everyone! I’ve been on hiatus for a bit, but I’m back today with a short story update for a piece I finished recently called Blink Twice for Final Judgement.

Just a reminder: This is my original work and plagiarism of any form will not be tolerated.

Plot:

On the ten year anniversary of her sister’s death, Eden visits her childhood home and agrees to photograph Sundown, a gratitude festival, after meeting the new (and strange) “family” who lives there.

Genre: Literary fiction, short fiction

POV: First person retrospective

Word count: 6679 (my longest story to date!)

Characters:

Eden (24)

Our apathetic narrator. She is unafraid to roast you but is simultaneously fragile. Her stubborn refusal of change makes her vulnerable to exactly! that!

Viv (14, dead)

Eden’s identical twin sister. She is not a character on the page, but is referenced throughout the story. We learn little about her, but gather she, unlike Eden, seemed to have more of an interest in teenage rebellion and femininity before her death. It is unclear whether or not Eden’s relationship with her sister is based off jealousy, love, grief, or obsession.

Iian (mid 40s)

New owner of Eden’s childhood home who seems to have curated a “family” (aka a cult)

Damaris (14)

Iian’s daughter and only child who Eden describes as Viv’s, and therefore, her own, doppelganger. She seems stifled by her father’s practices and finds friendship in Eden.

Conception:

This story actually began as a different draft called Anatomy of a Swinging Door that I started about a year and a half ago. I never got past 400 or so words in the story (I was very new to short fiction) and shelved the story, though I’d revisited it every few months to see if there was anything I could add (most times there was nothing).

I’ve not been having a great mental health month and really felt I was lacking drive and purpose, which leaked especially into my writing. Feeding Habits has been giving me problems since June, and since I’ve been writing it on and off, I lacked the momentous “high” that writing a lot in a short amount of time can give you (absolutely not the healthiest mindset, but I really needed a pinch of success to liven me). In an attempt to chase this “high” I threw myself into short fiction, finishing my draft of Phantom Limbs as well as another story, Slaughter the Animal. After I completed StA and Feeding Habits was still not working, I decided I wanted to write another short story. However, I didn’t have a working idea. While scrolling through my title list, I noticed I’d had the title “Blink Twice” and the title “Final Judgement” right underneath it, and immediately my brain was like “Blink Twice for Final Judgement” and it instantly reminded me of this story. So I popped open the old document of this story and began fleshing it out, little by little.

Initially, this idea began as Eden visiting her childhood home on the one year anniversary of her brother’s death, but I found this story screamed sisterhood, and so I changed the timeline, made it CanLit (TM), and made this sibling relationship one between twin sisters (which I also! am!). While on a drive with my family, I had a vision of the story’s end, and so referred to that note frequently when piecing the concept together, though my original vision strayed by the time I got to it.

And of course, because this is my cult story, I did do some research on cults during and after the fact. I listen to lots of true crime, so I’ve familiarized myself with a lot of cult stories, and so that knowledge, as well as some new research and imagination allowed me to create my own spin on a cult. It’s not based off a cult, but gathers some inspiration from a few.

The writing bit:

The idea expanded slowly, but I started to understand the idea, the changes I’d made to the initial draft, and the story began to take shape. It did take longer than expected to draft (about 3 weeks), and had its ups and downs. There were some logistics I struggled to sort out, for example, we know Eden has been hired to photograph Sundown, but I didn’t know how long it would be, whether or not I’d write her staying with the family long term, whether the story would lead up to Sundown or if it would start with it, etc. I did not know this answer until I finished the draft of this story two days ago, and was surprised with the direction the story went. It felt like I was drafting and simultaneously doing developmental edits as I implemented some structural changes to the story as I went. The structure of this story for this reason, was the hardest part to nail down!

Upon finishing the story, I was truly unsure of how the story had turned out as I had a feeling I might need another edit on the timeline of Sundown as my initial plan had changed up a bit. However, I ended up not needing to change much and after reading the story all in one go, am very happy with it!

The writing itself was pretty painless. I didn’t struggle with prose like I sometimes do, and quite love the environment of language I’ve cultivated. Eden has a distinct, cynical voice, and I like how that informs the details she notices (aka she often ROASTS). I think the prose is strong and I look forward to seeing what I do with the story in future.

Aesthetic:

While I can’t share excerpts of this story, here’s an aesthetic that captures the *vibe*:

Playlist:

I’ve been listening to a lot of Marika Hackman lately and Undone, Undress from We Slept At Last truly gives me this story’s vibes! Some particularly relevant lyrics:

Here's my body, I am undone Let them have me, let them come Blue beaks aching, flesh forsake me Only bones for the hunter's gun

Load me heavy, I can't bend Break me better, so I won't mend

The forest murmurs 'Careful creatures She'll be gone when the master comes'

I wrote a lot of the story to this album and foresee this becoming a trend for future short stories lol!

Blink Twice marks my eighth full-length short story which also means I am making progress on a potential future collection (not all eight stories will be in the collection, five are confirmed for now), which is exciting!

That’s it for now! :) I may be on here periodically, but I’ve deleted the Tumblr app and will keep it that way, so I may be a little slower to things (and also school is starting up so there is also that). See you soon!

--Rachel

#writing #amwriting #writeblr #writerblr #writingupdates #shortstories

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whoslaurapalmer · 5 years ago

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for literally any of your fics: 3, 4, 8, and 13

sam you are a TRUE HERO, and I jumped around through a lot of fics inthese answers, I’m sorry this is so wordy, and I kept rewritingthings because I DON’T KNOW IF EVERYTHING WAS RELEVANT OR THINGS PEOPLE CARED ABOUT i care about very minute details but i know not everyone does

3: What’s yourfavorite line of narration?

you know how like,you totally know the answer to this on any given day and then someoneasks you for real and you immediately forget every single word you’veever written????? yEAH

I’ve always beenstupidly fond of “I did, in fact, eventually investigate the postoffice, and sent along the required information to my sister, beforeI followed the lead further and wound up almost running into aQuagmire.” from beatrice. cause like. quagmire as in, aproblem. but also, Quagmire, as in, one of. the Quagmires. I thoughtit was delightful and NO ONE’S EVER COMMENTED ON IT it is kind ofburied in the opening though I’ll admit that

there’s also likethis unnecessary amount of narration in what grew in the garden ofproserpine but, I’m very proud of it. I worked hard to make it,different, and low-key creepy but soft. I want to say ‘i tried togo for like shirley jackson?’ but I know I did not succeed. Ihaven’t read enough shirley jackson. shout out to my brother’scopy of the lottery, still sitting on my desk, which I have readlike, halfway. anyway, I like “The little stone pathways hadcracked with age, as had the fountains and the statues, pockmarked bydead space where the stone itself had crumbled off.” in particular.(oh god is it more like, daphne du maurier, actually???)

4: What’s yourfavorite line of dialogue?

1) literallyEVERYTHING in the parent trap au but particularly the “ramona have you SEEN my son” bit 2) everything laura says in timepresent and time past, I think that’s the best laura I’veever written 3) everything in all phone, no sex 4) "amuffin," laura says. "i want a muffin."

8: Did any realpeople or events inspire any part of it?

I was going to sayno but I think, yeah, for a lot of my fics and especially myheadcanons?? they’re based in a lot of little things I’ve seen ordone and definitely felt. but the moments they’ve inspired areequally little and go more towards like the thematic backbone of astory than inspire like a main event or plot point or acharacter/dialogue, which is why i want to say no, if that makessense?? like little things in my fic are really rooted in a lot of mebut still (at least to me) feel like, they contribute to thebackground fabric of how I thought about the fic and are woven in tothe point that they aren’t worth pointing out

like, coop tends agarden that gets eaten by deer because deer used to eat my brother’sflowers at one of his apartments, but that’s only part of thatheadcanon; laura gets all of my depression feelings, but that’s noteverything to writing her character; one day past the end of theworld partially took from thinking about my and my mom’s owngrief experiences, but not for anything in particular, just in how Ithought about sarah and how people treated her; beatrice doesn’tsay things I’ve said but anything I write her saying is 100%something I would say, because so much of me is in how Iwrite her, but that’s not the only part of her character and a lotof it is me guessing at canon; I have a lemonberry ice headcanon Ihaven’t posted about them raising the kids that’s based entirelyon me babysitting, which is probably actually ‘a big thing’ butit’s a headcanon. mostly, fics come from me sitting around andgoing ‘i have had a thought. I am inspired by this thought. I’mgonna go Follow That Thought.’ which usually comes from justthinking about characters.

13: What musicdid you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story?Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readersshould listen to to accompany us while reading?

musicis always SUCH a big part of my writing (andalways has been!). Ido create thematically relevant playlists. that’s a big thing forme and I’m REAL picky about what I consider thematically relevant.(although sometimes I’ll write to a completely unrelated songbecause I just heard it and it’s a real jam and it became amarathon song. like, snow cats by afi has nothing to do withbeatrice. but Ilistened to that for like two weeks inthe middle of writing that.)

ifI title a fic after a song I WHOLEHEARTEDLY want people to listen toit while they read. maybe marathon it. cause I probably marathoned itwhile writing. but you do you. but I put a lot of thought into themusic I listen to when I write, and especially if a song winds up asthe title, and I want people to feel the same things I felt. (exceptlike don’t listen to what you know by two door cinema club whilereading i will get there,there’s way too much of a tone difference and I definitely did notmarathon it while writing.)

there’sonly one playlist I am super dying to reveal (although i will reveal any upon request) and it’s what Ilistened to for and i’ve written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones –engine driver by thedecemberists and hero by regina spektor, and record year for rainfallby the decemberists for bertrand’s part. I also had unspokenhistory by alex lahey on the playlist, but I got really attached tothat regina song and forgotabout unspoken history (but it’s an EXCELLENT song).

#lulu talks about the sad lemon man #lulu talks about peaks #cerealninjakat

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blandmemoirs · 6 years ago

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Ode to Fury

youtube

This song has been incredibly relevant in my mind as of late. Playing on an almost loop. Obviously, a song themed on an unending anger and how to live with it would be relevant to my psyche. But I think it has been made more important in my listening habits as I took the time to learn the lore of Kratos through hours of YouTube walkthroughs of the God of War games and my own personal play through of God of War 2 on the PlayStation 2. The character has had my interest for several years before my recent deep dive into his history. I've always had a base level understanding of Kratos and his story. I had just never made the time to fully explore the depth of his pain and anger. That is, until the most recent God of War game came out. I let the initial release pass me by and took little interest since I didnt own a PS4 myself, but I caught glimpses of gameplay here and there through random YouTube encounters or looking over the shoulder of my peers watching gameplay in class. The game was beautiful, and I got glimpses of a genuinely raw story. Then Miracle of Sound dropped two songs about the game.

For more context, Miracle of Sound is my favorite musician. Simply because his songs all take great stories from movies or games I adore and condense them into an epic song that recites the themes and messages from the original material with outstanding beat and vocals. Much of his songs are in my personal playlist of favorites, particularly this one. When he makes a new song, I trust the source material is going to be good.

That said, two songs dedicated to God of War was enough to convince me. I listened, enjoyed, but didnt fully appreciate. I didnt fully understand the themes or message since I hadnt fully consumed the source. So, I picked my favorite lets player who did a walk through and dedicated myself to discovering this world and understanding it. I was enthralled and I fell in love with the characters and lore. When the game ended, I knew I needed more. So I bought a Kratos figure and acted out a few of my own stories as I introduced him to the world of the blandclan. I watched videos explaining the story behind the other games in the franchise, and eventually happened upon a copy of God of War 2 at a local game shop. I played it, beat it, and began to truly appreciate this series. I added the original Kratos to my toy collection as well.

Kratos is a man of tragedy. In a quest for power he was tricked into killing his own family so that he may lose his humanity and be a servant of the gods. But in doing so he turned his rage onto his betrayers and killed every single god in the Greek pantheon through his own ascension and fall from godhood. He killed his father, Zeus, a betrayer and manipulator. His rampage resulted in the total destruction of the Greek world. Surviving his own suicide attempt, he retreated to the realm of the Norse gods to live out the rest of his days in solitude, eventually starting a new life with a wife and son. But the fury is not quieted so easily. His pain was not satiated in the destruction of the gods, of the ones who betrayed and hurt him. In fact, he is haunted by his actions. Kratos still is full of anger and hatred. Because he hates himself, and he cannot destroy himself. He already tried that. His whole story is a tale of the everconsuming flame that is anger and when kept unchecked it will burn all it touches. Kratos must learn to control his rage, not to let it control him. He must learn to live with himself instead of merely killing all that hurts him.

As such, in the newest God of War, Kratos struggles to raise his naive son as a now single father. In the past merely being a distant hunter-gatherer occasionally teaching his son to fight and hunt, Kratos let his wife do much of the raising. Kratos does not want his son to be like him, and so he hides himself from his son. He lies about his son's heritage and is very stern in order to keep his "boy" from violence. But through the game Kratos is ultimately forced to come clean and tell his son all the hard truths of their life and lineage. Kratos is forced to once again remember his past and own his rage he kept buried for so long. Once Kratos allows himself to be honest with both himself and his boy, the two are able to repair their strained relationship and work as a true team. No longer afraid of his own rage, Kratos controls his fury and lets go of his pain.

Kratos is an angry character. He is quite literally too angry to die as proven several times in his life. This song is dedicated to that unending fire in the heart of the Ghost of Sparta. Full of grief, shame, blame, and woe, Kratos has attempted to lock up the anger inside him, but "the fury it never leaves". He has tried to run from it and hide it away, but he cannot. When he attempts to bury his anger he suffers from the "hunger" and attempts to "silence the cry" of his fury. It yearns to be free. It burns, and it will not be forgotten. He is angry. He will be angry. He will hurt. He must carry his pain. Yet, he fears his emotion because it may lead to judgement upon his son. He doesnt want his son to suffer the same fate he has. But try as he may, the fury it never leaves. So he must live with it. He must not run from it, he must contain it. He has to accept himself for who he is so he can raise his son to be better. He must own his anger and pain so he may teach his boy how to live with it.

The music itself is so captivating to listen to, from the chanting of the lyrics to the beating of drum to the scrapement of chains throughout, it is a powerful sound that conveys the many mixed feelings which guide Kratos' arc. He is suffering and unable to forgive himself, and so he only really knows anger, causing himself to further resent himself. It is no secret at this point I have at times found myself in a similar condition.

As such, this song serves as both an Ode to Kratos' Fury and a piece by which I can use to remind myself of my own powerful feelings I harbor. Through my ability to relate to Kratos' arc, I can search for my own peace and acceptance of myself. A search which may never end, but will allow me to live with myself easier. I love this song. I love the artist. I love the game. I love the character. I love the series. I love myself.

The fury it never leaves me, but I am living with it.

As Kratos says in the climax of the game, "the cycle ends here".

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clayray3290 · 4 years ago

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Clayray Closeout 2020

Alrighty, I am writing this in 2021 because I had things to do on New Year’s Eve lol.

Well, 2020 has been quite a difficult year. I am grateful to be as fortunate as I am, but at the same time, most of the year I have spent full of rage and despair and frustration and fear and grief at all of the loss and all of the injustice and just all of the horrific things that have happened this year. For 2021, I’m trying to find hope and to gather strength to persevere and keep on doing my part in fighting for what is right and contributing good to the world.

Art played a huge part in helping me get through this year, so let me take a look back at some of that great art:

Music - Artists

BTS

Jesse & Joy

Niall Horan

Glass Animals

McFly

Taylor Swift

Fiona Apple

Little Mix

Chloe x Halle

Secret

Who knew BTS would top this list? I’ve followed them from before their debut, but I am a casual fan at best. Though I was supposed to take my mom (who is a bigger fan than I am) to the concert at the Rose Bowl this year...until the pandemic happened.

Obviously, I did not go to any concerts this year, so there are no artists that got a bump from my having seen them live this year. However, some old standbys released some new albums this year - Jesse & Joy, Glass Animals, McFly, Little Mix. And speaking of Little Mix, news of Jesy’s departure from the group sent me into a spin down memory lane listening to their discography more. Also T. Swift’s two (2!!) new albums were in heavy rotation as well.

Secret made this list too, even though of course they’re disbanded now. My love for them stays strong, and their solo releases this year I enjoyed - Particularly Jieun’s Make It Love.

Chloe x Halle I started listening to much more than before, because “Ungodly Hour” is a fantastic album. Which juuuuust missed the cut of my top albums.

Music - Albums

BTS - MAP OF THE SOUL: 7

Niall Horan - Heartbreak Weather

High School Musical: The Musical: The Series Cast - High School Musical: The Musical: The Series Original Soundtrack

Jesse & Joy - Aire (Versión Día)

Fiona Apple - Fetch the Bolt Cutters

Starry Cast - Starry

Glass Animals - Dreamland

ZOMBIES 2 Cast - ZOMBIES 2 Original TV Movie Soundtrack

Taylor Swift - folklore

Beyoncé - The Lion King: The Gift [Deluxe Edition]

HSMTMTS and Z2 are products of work, but there generally are some fantastic songs from these soundtracks that I love independently. Olivia Rodrigo has turned out to be a star, and “All I Want” is gorgeous. And “Flesh & Bone” in particular is incredible and young people found such meaning from its lyrics, like “No more hesitation, it’s time we start to realize / With all this separation, silence is still taking sides.”

I have a fraught relationship with Glass Animals’ Dreamland right now because I had bought a limited edition vinyl, but there has been a whole rigmarole because it was super delayed (literally months!) and I went home to Michigan and so then I had to change the delivery address to my friend’s, and then she moved, too, so it has been a whole thing.

Starry is an as-yet unstaged musical about Vincent van Gogh, and it is exquisite. Please give it a listen and fall in love with it like I did.

Lastly, I once heard “Fetch the Boltcutters” as “Vegetable Goddess” and I cannot unhear it.

Movies

Soul Yes, would love if we could have a Black protagonist be a Black protagonist for the whole movie, but look, this is a beautiful beautiful film that is so meaningful. I cried so much.

The Old Guard It would be an honor to be slayed by Charlize Theron, Kiki Layne, or Gina Prince-Bythewood.

Palm Springs A delightful time loop take, and just so darn charming.

Emma. Works better as a comedy than a romance, but lusciously shot and Anya Taylor-Joy takes one of the trickiest Austen heroines and brings her to full life.

A Recipe for Seduction Okay, this one’s a joke. The KFC x Lifetime “movie” is ridiculous, but I have no regrets watching it.

The above list is just of movies that newly came out in 2020.

I watched a whopping 390 movies in 2020, 200 of which were Quarantine Movies with my friend Richard w/a Beard (Our 200th was BLOODY NEW YEAR, literally begun on New Year’s Eve with just moments left of 2020). Rw/aB and I watch mostly B-movies, slashers, giallos, psychedelic musicals, 80′s sex comedies, kung fu movies, and made-for-TV kids’ movies. And the KFC x Lifetime movie. (For the record, my top 5 of these movies would be: Blood Beat, Killer Workout, Pieces, StageFright: Aquarius, Mr. Boogedy. Honorable Mention to The Apple and Miami Connection.)

Honorable Mention: Sound of Metal (Technically a 2019 movie), Lucky Grandma (Also a 2019 movie), Hala (Again 2019), the Disney+ music specials like Hamilton and Black Is King, the Pixar SparkShorts particularly Loop, our DCOM releases this year - Zombies 2 and Upside-Down Magic and Secret Society of Second-Born Royals

Films I Want To See But Haven’t Yet: Minari (I can’t believe I haven’t seen it yet), One Night in Miami..., Definition Please, Disclosure, The Forty-Year-Old Version, The Personal History of David Copperfield (DEV PATEL), Nomadland

Television

I May Destroy You What an awe-inspiringly incredible show. Michaela Coel is a force.

Ted Lasso On a much lighter note than I May Destroy You, lol. This show could’ve been so stupid, but it is actually so deft and wise and mature. And just so full of heart.

The Baby-Sitters Club It is hard to take a beloved work and reboot it. But this show not only made it contemporary, but updated it to be relevant and to ring true for today. And it is just simply a really good show.

Normal People My heart aches from this show, and in the best way.

Little Fires Everywhere This show took an incredible book and distilled it into its best form, packing just such gut punches along the way.

Not New: Pen15, Crash Landing on You (Did a group watch with friends for this, like we did with Erkenci Kus last year!), Schitt’s Creek, What We Do in the Shadows, Watchmen, Kidding, Succession

Honorable Mentions: Never Have I Ever, The Queen’s Gambit, Lovecraft Country, Bridgerton, Dead Still (A show about a Victorian dead people photographer!), The Amber Ruffin Show (I’m not actually much of a late night person, but I adore Amber Ruffin), Dash & Lily, Supermarket Sweep Reboot, Julie and the Phantoms, Taste the Nation, Little America, The Stranger (RIP Quibi)

Shows I Haven’t Finished Yet But Will: Ramy, Saved by the Bell Reboot, Gentefied, The Mandalorian, Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist

According to my Trakt, I watched 282 hours of TV and 522 hours of movies in 2020 (But this was before the last week of 2020, so this is an undercount). That’s 805 hours total, which would be about 33.5 days lmao, so basically a month of my year was spent watching something hahahahahaha. I watch a lot.

But apparently, I listen even more? According to my Last.fm, I scrobbled 30,916 songs, making for total listening time of 74 days and 8 hours. Whew! Well, let’s get into my top songs then~

#Clayray Closeout

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