#it's now almost 1 PM and we still haven't ordered anything and like I'd be tempted to order myself

[lettuce-gremlin]

I may as well have just packed a lunch today

[sarcasticsidecomment]

So its been a really hard day, week, month, basically since midterms. The past two weeks have been the worst. Last week I had play practices until 8 PM most days except I skipped on Wednesday because of a jazz competition where we got back at about 11 or so. Then on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday we had our performances. There were two on Saturday and each performance was about two hours plus another two hours for before and after stuff. In my family we aren't supposed to do homework on Sundays (its a family/church day) so I have to wait until my parents go to bed or sneak stuff down to my room to do homework. This year I'm taking 12 classes two are APs, one was a semester class so now I have a study hall. Five are music so they all sort of fit into the same period and one is a before school church class ever morning at 6:10. Its a 20 minute drive and my family reads scriptures together before my brother and I leave. My dad is a lawyer and also has a bunch of religious responsibilities and is part of a volleyball league so he's almost never home. My mom deals with five kids, her own religious responsibilities and other stuff but she does way less than I do but always seems more stressed and I don't understand. As the parent she's supposed to be calm and understanding and ask about my day. Because of everything last week I was up almost all night Sunday-Saturday but I eventually went to bed in time to get about an hour of sleep. I also tutor two hours a week. I got four hours of sleep the next night and 11 the night after that. Because I'm used to an overall average of less than 6 hours of sleep a night (including weekends) and probably way less than that for just school nights, getting more than about 7 hours of sleep gives me huge headaches. Eleven really really hurt even after ibuprofen. Today at school I only had physics, AP Stats, Spanish, and music. but in the order 1 4 2 3. Our schedule is really weird. Most days we have seven classes and our rotation schedule has 7 days meaning that we never have the same class order more often then once every seven days. I was up until about 12h30 trying to finish a take home physics test that we had all gotten a week ago but I hadn't had time to start yet because I was working on getting caught up from everything I had missed the week before. I decided to take an hour nap because I literally couldn't keep my eyes open and I had only gotten about a forth of the test done. I'll explain more later, but this teacher gives really hard tests. I was crying (which despite all the crap and pressure I'm under I hadn't done since last summer) and I almost self-harmed again so I just decided to take the nap. My alarms didn't go off until 5h30 as usual so I didn't get any more work done. I got some done from the 45 min I have before school starts after I get to the building after my church class but before classes start but I was tutoring so I gave him some busy work a and worked on physics. This class was first starting at 8 so 3 min to the bell I went up. About 15 minutes into class, I learned that most people hadn't finished the test. His tests are usually really hard to show for sure that you have mastered the material which I hadn't because I had been distracted with lack of sleep and the musical. He decided to give the class until the end of the day to pass in the tests (which was very nice, but pretty typical of this teacher). He is really positive but not annoyingly so and not in a naive way either. Just being in the classroom really helped me to calm down and relax a bit, I almost started crying again from relief (my eyes still teared up a bit) but I managed not to. I didn't really get much done and really only figured out that I really didn't know what I was doing but he said that we could come in after school at least until 4 because he was leaving at 4h30. The bell rang and I had jazz. I only play one of the three jazz songs so I did my math during the time I wasn't playing. I ran a meeting for chorale council during lunch (I'm one of the presidents) them went to math, I'd brought in a pie for homework passes two days earlier and it had been in the freezer, it was the class favorite. At his point my phone was dead because it hadn't fully charged last night. I did my Spanish worksheet during math. And quickly wrote down a speech in Spanish about how I was the best candidate for student body president. I'm also really behind in math. Once I got to Spanish, I took my speech and turned it into notes instead. My speech went pretty well. And class was fine. I went to jazz after school and that went okay. Then I went up too Dudley's room. Two of my friends were already there getting help with the test but I think they were done and were just hanging out because Dudley is so amazing and calming. Ryley and Mackenzie (they're both guys by the way) came over and talked for a few minutes while I worked on the test. Apparently I looked really tired because they started telling Dudley about how I got about 4 hours of sleep a night and how I needed to get more sleep and about how much I do. Dudley said I looked exhausted. After they left we talked a bit on and off while I worked on my test. I didn't ask for it but he asked if I wanted an extension until Tuesday, which I accepted. I worked on the test for about an hour and a half until 4-ish. He looked over my test and said that for two of the four questions I had it almost perfect and I had the right idea with the other two. He told me that I looked exhausted, to get some sleep, and to take care of myself. I love my parents and siblings and I know in my head that they love me too but they don't notice when I get an hour of sleep or when I'm upset about an assignment or test, or when I haven't showered in two weeks (yes, I know, it happens sometimes, I forget because I don't have time) they don't ask about my day, or want to do things with me, give me hugs or tough me at all usually, or help me with stuff, or talk to me, or ask about my music, or really anything. Ever day when I leave its the exact same words- Have a good day. They're like roommates that ignore me most of the time. Dudley is just a teacher, but he writes notes on his student's tests when he hands them out praising their individual strengths. He knows who my friends are and what I'm having problems with. He asks how I'm doing and I try to answer honestly because I know he cares and wants to know. Yes he is just a teacher, but he keeps things appropriate and professional while still really helping his students. Family is supposed to help you but I feel like mine holds me back, degrades, ignores me, and neglects me. I don't blame them for overlooking me, it is just a fact. My friends act like siblings should, and I feel like Dudley acts somewhat like a father and Ewing acts somewhat like a grandmother. Then my biological family gets angry when I spend so much time at school. Well that is where I get things done, that is where I feel loved, that is where people pay attention to me, and care about me. Here I just feel like my rent is overdue. They aren't bad people, just distracted.