#it's not that serious... it shouldn't be that serious... But I can't help getting peeved sorry

[tubbytarchia]

I swear to god 99% of people watching WL forgot who won SL. Put some respect on his name

[rawliverandgoronspice]

Ok so weird thing: Puppet Zelda. I mean, it was pretty obvious as a player Imo? But what I don't get: The tears show her ONCE! and it's the scene right before Ganondorf gives Sonia a backbreaking back massage. It's alluded to that she (he) did some other weird stuff to mess up for Sonia and Rauru, and it's not expanded upon at all. I was so put off by that, because it feels like that would have been a big chance for ACTUAL character development for ALL the characters from the past. What did P-Z do? Where was Ganondorf? Was he hidden, or was he inside the castle? How did Sonia react to it? How did Rauru react to it? How did Sonia catch on? Why was it only Sonia and Zelda confronting P-Z? Why wasn't Rauru somewhere hidden as well? I doubt Rauru would have dismissed such a serious accusation. Sonia confronts P-Z, Zelda comes out, then Rauru lies in wait to check for extra danger. The time it takes for Rauru to arrive also kinda makes me think he wasn't that far away? P-Z is a cool concept, but I'm still just so baffled by the absolute "non-story" they built by alluding to her bullshit.

Okay so. Yeah. I completely, 100% agree, and I want to use the opportunity to air out a very particular complaint I have not really seen a lot of people talk about, because I just rewatched that scene and I am shocked all over again.

The teacup scene, after Ganondorf submits, is, in my opinion, horrendous. Like not because of secret Problematisms (though yes also this, we just saw them asking their enemies to kneel and the very next scene they're having a little tea party with cake between royals while armed guards protect them and it's not supposed to be a red flag and it's wild to me), but because the actual writing, at a craft level, reads like a first draft at best. There are three narrative information beats that matter in this entire scene:

The war has stopped

Zelda wants to help her ancestors and not only return to her own era (??? okay, she already did and the problems are technically over already as far as they know??? and it's not a choice she's making since she still can't master her powers and never learn to btw)

Rauru learns Link's name

I'd argue the only real important thing is that Rauru learns Link's name, and it could have been done in a much more interesting and dynamic way.

Instead the scene just goes on and on with lore dumps that never go anywhere, reiterations of the bond between Zelda and Sonia we had already established, dialogue that is... shockingly bad...

Actually, let's examine just one case: "Ah. I can see that you have absolute faith in him."

Like, just, general pro-tip: if you use "I can see that X" in dialogue and it's not ironic or used as de-escalation and just there to reiterate what we have just immediately established, cut that line. It's doing nothing, it's dead weight, it's just grinding the pace of a scene to a halt for no reason (unless you want it to be about stagnation, like I could see a David Lynch dinner scene where every character restate each other's actions by saying "I can see that you really like the gravy." over and over but it's not.... very applicable to more generic situations). This is writing 101, and the scene is full of these nothing sentences that go nowhere and establish nothing about the characters or the world and set up nothing and pay off nothing and it's driving me wild!

(also it does my least favorite thing in game writing aka the game praising the player character for an unreasonable amount of time, but I realize this is a pet peeve and not as important but it always makes me roll my eyes incredibly hard when it's not earned and it wasn't earned or useful here, the fact that the scene ends on everyone being like yaaay link!!! is... completely disconnected from the actual story happening in the past and shouldn't be the focus of the characters at that moment --it would be more powerful if Zelda used Link as an image of strength to inspire Rauru after Sonia's death later, for example)

It's a scene that completely undermines the tension built in the previous memory, makes the timeline of events confusing, and it leaves a ton of questions open, like: where the hell is Ganondorf? What is he doing? What did Rauru mean by "keeping him close", if he isn't actually close? Do they think he returned to the gerudo lands while he actually stayed hidden in their palace to do his Puppet Zelda shenanigans? I don't know! There is no way to know, because we're being told about teacups and how Link is amazing instead of anything relevant to the plot!

So yeah. Would have *gladly* done away with that teacup scene and focused more on a very tense moment of Sonia and Puppet Zelda where she acts very suspiciously and maybe aborts a first attempt at stealing the stone that goes nowhere, and this is when Sonia catches on that something is off? Honestly, I would also have killed for an actual scene of tension between Zelda and Ganondorf where they, like. Talk to each other. Instead of this actual current version of the story where they never do. And maybe this is how he realizes that she has a special connection with Sonia and it's how he tries to get her.

But yeah. Sorry, I kind of hijacked the ask into a "this damn teacup scene!!!" *shakes my first at clouds*, but I think it mirrors the thought that priorities were not given to the actual tension points laid down in the story. Puppet Zelda inherently calls upon ideas of fear of imposture, of abuse of power, of insecurity, of a twisted version of what Hyrule *could* be, which is so interesting and ripe with conflict and counterpoints.

I would have done unruly things for a Zelda arc where she is struggling to be a ruler and she's still very insecure and wrecked by guilt over the Calamity thing and feel disconnected from the land because of the whole "being locked 100 years away fighting a demon" thing and her daddy issues, and this is this insecurity that Ganondorf picks up on and preys on by trying to dismantle Hyrule using her very image as he plans his Big Comeback, and our role is to unite all of Hyrule against this weird nasty caricature of her created by an envious man who was furious to see his rule rejected and his rebellion considered less important than peace, then go to her acknowledging the immense and unjust sacrifice she made becoming a dragon and being like "hey Zelda we all love you and we will all fight for you because we made the choice to believe in the future you want to build" and it would have been soososo powerful and I would have perhaps shed a tear or two or ten. ;_;

[checkoutmyflow]

Star Elite: Archetypes They Hate

I recently made a Star Elite: Food Pet Peeves if you wanna go check that one out! This post is basically about the type of people they hate the most. Disclaimer: If you don't know Star Elite is my Blue Lock AU with my original characters. Here's the link so you can read up on it if you're interested.

Now onto the post!

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

Fiorello Dal Lago: People who brag about being toxic. Are you proud of yourself? Honestly if you brag about doing awful shit or overall being a bitch, or try to justify it, he's never going to associate with you. Being mean as a joke is fine but being flat out toxic is where he crosses the line.

De'Andre Wilde: People who manipulate and try to make themselves the victim. He hates people like this so much. They know better than to try their mind games with him though, they know better.

Amari Wilde: People who shame others for having anxiety, or a certain disorder. Sometimes things happen to people that they can't just recover from. It's not so easy to forget the past, or just get over something as serious as a disorder. Yes, people with disorders should still be held accountable when they do something wrong, but if they need help then they shouldn't be chastised for needing help.

Xaivier Johnson: People who are super clingy. He likes his privacy, space, and overall antisocial. To add onto this, he has trust issues when it comes to people. He's not at all a people person. So it takes time for him to trust and actually open up, and he's not gonna do that if you're constantly trying to force him to talk about his feelings and invade his space and privacy.

Enkai Nakajima: Controlling parents. Let your kids have their own social life and interest. They're not your pets, they're human beings. If they're not doing anything incredibly weird and fucked up, why must you hover over them 24/7?? They're gonna go through phases and make mistakes, that's apart of life and growing.

Anselmo Espinoza: People who just disregard other people's feelings or straight up ignore them. If someone opens up about something and you ignore them or worse, make fun of them, you're a dickhead. Plain and simple. At least in his eyes you are.

Isaac Espinoza: People who try and one up everyone. Like we get it, you did this, you did xy and z... we don't care. Not everything has to be about you.

Vespa Richelieu: People who bring politics into everything. You can't have fun at all around them without them bringing up SOMETHING to do with politics. Literally he just wants to enjoy his day in peace chaos he does not want hear about global warming or elections or racism or sexism or whatever the fuck it is you want to talk about. There's a time and a place for this, and it's not around him.

Deong Daon: People who fake/lie about disorders. It's hard enough for people to take disorders seriously as is. Now you're making it harder for people to actually come out about this because you wanted attention. Also people who lie about traumatic experiences.

Elio Rossi: People who chastise other's dreams or your occupation. He himself is a streamer and has been told multiple times that it's a childish hobby and not a real job. For him it's a side job from his soccer career, but this still annoys him because many people have become extremely successful and influential in good ways by doing things like streaming. Or hell, just simply doing things they love. Even if said thing is weird, they're still making money, so why dictate them?

Alexander Bennett: People who make one thing their entire personality. Whether it's politics, mental illness, being LGBT+, feminism, being a vaper/smoker, being a certain person's fan, etc. People like this are insufferable to him. You couldn't make any friends or have a decent personality so instead you base it off of one thing and just revolve around that??

Lixue Bai: People who over-sexualize things that don't need to be sexualized. Examples being: women, gay men, certain body parts, breast feeding, ethnicities such as Japanese people, eating popsicles, etc. Literally not everything a person does is for your fucking satisfaction. Get a grip.

Axel Hart: People who have zero self awareness. Yes, Axel can be a energetic, loud, blunt, and teasing. The only difference is that he can admit that and knows when to tone it down. He can't understand how some people are so blind to how they act and think they're this perfect person.

Seia Morikawa: People who take advantage of other's generousity. People wonder why he has trust issues, it's because of shit like this. Other's decide to be kind and the world has to ruin it for their own gratification.

Carnell Reid: People who think they're entitled for something. How he was raised, you had to work for what you wanted. So when he sees someone who acts like they don't have to work for something or always expect something for free, it irks him.

Bruce Matthews: People who complain about every. Little. Fucking, Thing. Like you could easily fix this but instead you just continue to bitch and moan about it. Shut up, if it's fixable then fucking fix it, stop whining about it in hopes that it gets better. That helps literally NO ONE.

Amador Shimizu: People who are inconsiderate. He's not an aggressive person but please believe he'll actually gut check you if you do shit like leave your trash everywhere, being late to everything, or put very little to zero effort into anything. Like did your mother not teach you manners!?? Also FYI: BEING LATE TO EVERYTHING IS NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT.

Omair Rosario: People who can't put themselves in other people's shoes. Sometimes people aren't blessed with the opportunities you have. It doesn't give you the right to ridicule them because of it.

Emeterio Narvaez: People who ruin the fun for everyone. He can understand if you're going through something, hell, he'll try and take you out to make you feel better even if you don't want to (It doesn't have to be somewhere public. Movie nights at home exist for a reason). But people who just.. fuck up stuff for everyone and kill the vibe. Especially if they're just overall bitchy.

Y'all tell me your pet peeves if you wanna, or if you agree with any of the character's pet peeves. I hope y'all are having a good night. Bye now :)

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[softsebnbuckystan]

Souls ties - Part 3 (Bucky Barnes au)

"I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met"

The sun had set a while ago and the band had been replaced by speakers, meaning the party was coming to an end, even though you still hadn't properly talked to Bucky. You  knew you probably should've payed more attention to your own husband but Darren seemed to enjoy himself more around his college friends. It would've driven you mad, had it been a regular party. Oddly enough, his behaviour that night didn't bother you as much as it should've. One might say your attention was elsewhere. It was late, and you were thirsty for water after all the champagne and hors-d'oeuvres you'd had. You were positive your rosy cheeks attested for it. At the bar, you took a minute for yourself and sat down, taking this occasion to relieve your feet from your high-heel shoes. The night's fresh air made the hair on your neck stand on end and your body's instinct was to shiver, even though the weather was still quite nice. Your body tensed up as you felt a presence at your side.

"Feeling a little tired there?" he asked. You were starting to know this voice now, and it was like music to your ears.

"I needed to be away from the crowd for a moment," you confessed.

"Oh, I can leave if you want."

This made you look at him instantly. "No, stay." You realised how pressing you must've sound and chuckled at his confused eyes – which had a beautiful shade of blue in the moonlight. "I mean...I didn't want to get away  from you, specifically. Sorry if it sounded that way."

"I'd get it, you know," Bucky said. "What happened earlier..."

"...was disturbing for us both, I assume."

Bucky didn't say anything about you interrupting him. It felt natural, actually, almost like finishing his sentence rather than rudely stopping him mid-speech.  "Yeah, exactly," he continued. "I'm really sorry if that caused you...any pain or something."

"What? The coffee?" you asked naïvely. "Don't worry, it wasn't that hot," you said with a wink.

A faint smile appeared on Bucky's lips, making you notice both how he hadn't smiled much until then and that it lightened up his face in a touching way.

"I meant pain as in fear, or anxiety. Your wedding mustn't be the place you expected to hear those words." He looked you in the eyes and you  shivered once more. "Are you cold?"

You shook your head no before looking down to your knees. His eyes on you were making you  feel all sorts of ways you wouldn't dream of sharing with anyone. "No, I'm not," you said. Taking a careful breath in, you decided to glance at him. Your eyes paused at the same time as your lungs, taken away by the beauty of the man's face. Something behind his blue iris was beyond description and drove you even more eager to get to know him, his story, his passions and pet-peeves, his everything. He'd seemed to have stopped breathing for a second as well, but you weren't entirely sure it hadn't been a figment of your imagination.

"Maybe we should go back to the others," you whispered. You tried getting off your stool and slipped next to your shoe. Bucky moved fast to grab you with his arm and prevent you from hitting the ground. His grip was firm –  exaggeratedly firm. You brushed off the sensation of his leather glove on your back and thanked him hastily before going back to Steve.

"Are you okay?" he asked, lowering his voice.

"Yeah, sure." You knew he wasn't fooled by your answer ; Steve knew you better than you knew yourself. Bucky stayed silent for a while after that, and neither of you seemed to fathom what to do next.

---

"Ready to go, honey?"

You opened surprised eyes at Darren's question. It was barely past midnight.

"Darren, we can't leave before the other guests, c'mon..."

Your husband looked disappointed and now that most of your shock had gone away, his attitude was slowly driving you mad, especially when you gave deeper thought to his actions and words throughout the day.

"Do you even want to be here at all?" you asked him, somewhat dryly.

"Calm down, y/n. We've been here forever and I wanna rest for the night. Is that too much to ask?"

"Resting on your wedding night? Yeah,  that's a lot to ask for," you replied. "I thought we were going to party until the end and have fun with our friends before going home. Consensual marriage is supposed to be celebrated, don't you know that? Ugh, you really are a buzzkill sometimes."

"Wow, easy there. If you want to stay,  fine. But I'm going home."

"Are you serious right now?" Your stomach was burning with anger and disappointment. You loved Darren, but this kind of behaviour had become a habit of his. "You're going to leave me alone at our wedding party?"

"You're not alone, you have Steve and Wanda and...whoever that guy is over there. Enjoy the rest of your night."

"Damn it, Darren, that's not fair!"

Wanda's eyes turning towards you made you realise how loud your voices had been and you lowered yours a notch.

"Fine, go home. But don't expect me to be all smiles when I join you, if I even do."

Upon those words, you turned around and walked away from him. You were perfectly aware that there was no point in reasoning with him at this point. You ended up going back to your group and were surprised to see that Steve and Wanda had walked away as well, leaving Bucky alone.

"Where are they  going?" you asked, still angry from what'd just happened.

"They're grabbing more drinks. Wanda said she'd choose something for you since you were...busy."

You brought your hand to your forehead, ashamed that he'd heard you losing your temper.

"Sorry about that. He's just...difficult, sometimes."

"I saw that," he said with his hands in his pockets, "and no need to be sorry." You could see him take a deep breath in before he kept talking, even  though he was trying hard to look as calm and composed as possible. "Come, let's take a walk. It'll help you blow off some steam."

You followed Bucky through the garden and as you drifted away from the crowd, hearing less and less voices, a soothing feeling filled your body and mind. You took deep breaths in and deep breaths out, taking in the bucolic smell of the close-by forest. The only thing left bothering you were your shoes, and you made the call to take them off, leaning on Bucky's shoulder without even thinking about it. He stopped to let you do it.

"Here, let me hold them." He gently grabbed your shoes by the heels and carried them for the way.

"Thank you." You took a peek at him and smiled. "How did you know a walk would calm me down?"

"I...I  just did," he answered with a shrug. "Did it work?"

"It's starting to." You smiled at him ingenuously, taking in some of his features at the same time. The slight crook of his nose, the rebellious hair on his neck...  A question was burning your lips. It was just the two of you, so you might as well just ask. "Did you ever give much thought to what your tattoo said?"

He didn't seem taken aback by your question. At least you didn't think he was, even though his emotions were hard to read.

"Not really. I just assumed someone would pay me a compliment out of the blue  and confuse the hell out of me." He chuckled for the first time since you'd met him and you got a feeling that didn't happen often. He stopped quickly, as would a kid caught red-handed. "You?"

"I had lots of scenarios in my head. Someone bumping into me, stepping on my feet or even running me over with a car...I mean, that sentence could've been said at many occasions, really."

"It's true, though I don't think saying 'shit, I'm sorry' would be an appropriate apology after running somebody over with a car."

You laughed at his remark and nodded in agreement.

"True. It is only an appropriate apology for spilling coffee all over someone," you teased.

You couldn't even hear the music the speakers were playing anymore, only the insects buzzing and leaves brushing against each other. As you walked, you got dangerously closer to Bucky. You knew what your body was doing, where your legs were taking you, but you had no idea why  they were doing it. You shouldn't have been standing so close to him, especially on your wedding night. Your hand accidentally brushed against his leather glove and he moved away. His movement wasn't big enough to call it an act of repulsion, but you also didn't know why exactly he didn't want to be close to you.

"I'm sorry," you said. "I just..."

"...want to be close. I know." He sighed and stopped walking. "It's a weird feeling and I didn't think you...I thought you weren't feeling it."

"What? The feeling that draws me to you and that I can't control? Of course I feel that. I've...I've met you hours ago, and yet..."

"You feel a connection that dates to much longer than that," he finished.

"Exactly. I couldn't really put words on it but...yeah. That's what it feels like."

"I'm sorry," he said. "Steve wanted me to come here for some reason and I..."

"Don't say you shouldn't have come, please."

He looked back at you and saw you'd been staring at your feet saying that sentence. His face changed in an instant.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. Not at all, actually... If I hadn't been there tonight, you might have actually enjoyed your wedding."

"I did enjoy it," you replied in a hurry. "Just not the way I imagined." You stared into his eyes,  trying to understand what he was feeling in this very moment. "We'll see each other again, right?"

"That might not be a good idea, as much as I would want to."

"But...as my sister always tells me, soulmates don't have to be romantic. I can be happily married and still get to know you....can I?"

He tightened his lips, thinking about his answer. His face gave you no clue as to what he truly wanted, but the answer he gave you might have been an indication.

"You can try. I can try."

---

Part 3 is where I chose to start the fluff haha! I hope you enjoyed this part. It felt quite cute writing it, so I hope the final result is :)

tag list:

@ginger-swag-rapunzel

[womanism]

I'm all for people researching something but:

1. self bias- something we all have and the one reason psychiatrists can not diagnose themselves despite having years of experience + education.

2. not educated enough on all disorders, comorbidities

3. most people self diagnose for a label, not to get better.

if a psychiatrist can not diagnose themselves, kids shouldn't either.

think of it this way. when you have a cold you can say you've got a cold, we all know what it feels like. but suddenly the cold progresses into something else and more severe, we don't diagnose it ourselves, we go see a doctor.

the true is same with mental illness. maybe we understand depression, or anxiety, but when things start to take a nose dive into axis II disorders, there's so much overlap and misinformation on the internet that you could just create more issues for yourself.

I support people talking to those diagnosed with the disorder and looking for ways to self help. for instance with bpd, there are dbt self workbooks. it's what they teach you in dbt therapy however you are your own teacher, so if you're in a situation and can't currently get diagnosed, use the workbook.

i'm also peeved at the amount of kids who self diagnose and then say "i don't want to see a doctor and don't plan to."

mental illness isn't an accessory. it's a specific collection of symptoms that need to be treated

the amount of friends (including myself in this) i have who have been taken less seriously at their therapy appointments when they say "i think it's possible i have x" due to self diagnosis is astounding.

my psychiatrist straight up told me that she thinks it's funny when kids self diagnose serious disorders because more often than not it's exaggerated, self-made (ie when reading symptoms online and one subconsciously creates symptoms for themselves), and sometimes way off of what is really the issue.

i would like to vent about something. i 100% support self-dx, but lately i’ve been really pissed off because a lot of people i’ve been talking about tells me they have/think they have bpd just because they read like the Wikipedia page about it(?) it really stresses me out, it’s not like something you identify about, it’s a serious illness. it’s not something nice to add to your personality. ughhhhh