#it's not my birthday until pauline sends me a message | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

official-mr-saxobeat · 5 years

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N e way it has been 728 days since I last saw/had any communication from my older brother (and longer for my little brother, but I don't know the exact date bc I wasn't fucking PAYING ATTENTION.)

And you know what? I remember the day. 7-14-17. He told me he'd text me the next day and see me the next week. You wanna know how many times he's contacted me? Zero. He's also blocked me. All because his fucking CUNT parents (can you say: DIS-GUS-TENG) decided for some fucking UNKNOWN reason that our mom, sister, and I needed to be cut off completely. Literal family, disowned with absolutely no explanation. He and I were closer than ANYONE and ALWAYS told each other we were more important than anyone else to each other. He has had so, so many opportunities to contact me. Literally just sending a fucking letter could've worked. Just, "Hey, it's Tyler. Simon and I are ok. We miss you a ton. Don't send anything back." But would you guess what? Nope. Nothing. One of his friends said that he misses me, and is apparently going to text me once he's 18. But a mutual friend of ours (who's closer to him than the other one) said more recently that he hates me now! Neat. Great. Good. Wonderful. Our sister lived in a much, MUCH more dangerous house than his, and yet wouldn't you know it! She has contacted me every single time she's had the opportunity, and risked a lot for it too. Even if she couldn't carry on a conversation, she'd let me know that she was at least safe or ok. And wow! Now that she has a phone again, she texts me all the time! Almost like...if you put in the effort to contact someone you care about, you absolutely can! She's planning to drive down and visit me! (If you're reading this Pauline I love you SO HECKING MUCH HOE ASS HOE!!!!)

I even believe that our little brother would have contacted me if he knew how. He was fucking six the last time I saw him. He's turning nine this August. Of COURSE he can't contact me, he doesn't have a phone or know my address to send a letter.

Anyway. I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. Lots of people have told me to just give up.

....

Don't they get it...? I can't ever give up. He was my everything. Absolutely everything to me. He was there, always, no matter what.

He has no idea how many times I've cried, sobbed myself to sleep over losing him. He has no idea how much sleep I've lost over him, whether it be from nightmares where he finds me and tells me he hates me and hopes I kill myself, or from not being able to sleep because I had an unexplainable feeling that he might, just maybe, come see me, and I didn't want to go to sleep for fear of not hearing a knock or the doorbell. I'd already gone through that with our sister. He has no idea how many times I've come so, so close to just texting him, telling him how much I miss him, telling him I've changed, how much I wish he'd come back. How much I wish I could just hear his voice. See his face. Hear his laugh.

I don't know what I did. I have absolutely no clue. Neither does Pauline. Or our mom. Not an inkling. I found a letter the other day from them when I was going through boxes. A birthday card. There were long messages from both of them (the cunts) inside, telling me how much they loved me, how proud they were of me and the young man I was growing into, how much they loved having me as a part of their family, etc, etc. Who knew that in less than a year and a half from then, they'd be telling me I shouldn't ever ask about going on a family trip to the beach. But not for the same reason it used to be. It used to be, "Don't ever ask if you can come with us on a family trip, you're OBVIOUSLY coming! Why wouldn't you? You are family, after all!"

Then it was, "You're so selfish. Don't EVER ask something like that. Why would you think you could just invite yourself on a trip with us? How DARE you be so disrespectful!? You should be ashamed of yourself."

I hadn't even asked to go. I had been on every single beach trip EVER with them. They were family, after all. Tyler told me they were going to Santa Monica and asked if I was coming. I said no. I hadn't even known anything about it. So I texted CUNT BITCH (CB) and she didn't respond. All I said was, "Hey, Tyler told me you're going on a beach trip on Monday and Tuesday, did you forget to invite me or should I just not come?"

She didn't respond for over four hours. Which was really fucking weird. Because she always responded to me. So I texted again. "It's totally fine if I can't come, I'd just appreciate it if you could tell me instead of leaving me on read please."

Wow! Would you guess what. CUNT FUCK (CF) (her husband) texted me ALMOST IMMEDIATELY from her phone. The message read something like (I don't have the original texts anymore),

"How could you be so selfish. Inviting yourself on a trip that's for FAMILY ONLY. (Insert rant about how I'm a terrible person and caused CB to have a "panic attack") (and yes, I know putting panic attack in quotations seems really bad, but she faked panic attacks the entire time I knew her, aka my whole life. And they got SO much worse in those last couple months.) You hurt CB so much. You know how much she cares about you, and yet you accused her of ignoring you. How could you. I'm disappointed in the amount of disrespect you are showing right now." (Side note, I went over to his house back in June, CB opened the door, didn't recognize me at first, then said, "Nope, get out!" And slammed the door in my face.)

Tyler came over the next day, we hung out, he left. When he hugged me goodbye he said he'd talk to his parents about bringing me on the beach trip, he didn't know why they hadn't asked me.

And that was the last I heard from him. Friday, July fourteenth, 2017. Never again. I don't know if he hates me. But it certainly seems like he does.

I don't know, maybe one day he'll contact me again. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll live the rest of my life wondering what I did and why he and his parents hate me. Maybe he will contact me, just to tell me what a terrible person I am and how glad he is he was separated from me.

I don't know.

I just want to talk to him again. I want to tell him how sorry I am for being a bossy prick. For beating him up when we were little (but I mean we're fucking brothers, and that's just what we fucking did back then). For not being there on his 14th birthday. For getting angry when he won games. For being angsty all the time when I was older. For lecturing him about Homestuck all the time. For being in the hospital so much when I was younger (see: being angsty all the time). For spending more time with s/o's than him sometimes. For waking him up at 0100 in the morning in 7th grade. For being so flamboyant about my sexuality for a few years (god, that was bad). For saying TRIGGERED every two seconds. For hurting myself even after I promised I wouldn't. For not being good enough at the piano to play the Animal Crossing: City Folk museum theme with him. For not waking up early when he was over. For not making enough (or good enough) homemade gifts for him. For not having enough random gift days. For not listening to him when he said things I was doing were edgy. For making him listen to annoying music.

For not being a good enough brother.

I miss him so much. I miss Simon so much. I miss Pauline so much too, obviously, but it's different because I've been able to talk with her all the time. I know she loves and misses me. I also have a feeling that Simon loves and misses me too. He always liked/loved me more than anyone else. He hated his parents. He told me so. I was the only one that respected him. I feel like no matter the amount of brainwashing his parents did to him, he'd know the truth. I just hope he knows I didn't abandon him. That I love him so much. And that it hurts so, so much, every day. And especially on Christmas and his birthday. And Halloween. We loved Halloween.

It's 0606 now. There's 41 hours and 54 minutes until it's been two whole years.

I wonder if he remembers the day...?

I don't know.

I wonder if he'll read this one day. Probably not. But if he does I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him and how much I miss our driveway talks in the middle of the night and Mario kart races and pool games and water pool games and snowmen and sledding and writing stories together and drawing maps together and listening to pop songs while making fun of them and playing the undertale song game and playing minecraft and watching markiplier and fighting and cheating at board games in each other's favor and sorting candy after Halloween and collecting shit money from a camel in that Indiana Jones lego Wii game and making characters in that star wars lego Wii game and screaming badgers at the top of our lungs and spinning in circles to the hamster dance and walking home from elementary school and learning Japanese and OPERATIONTWENTYFOURHUNDRED and Sliced and making house tour videos and other fucking stupid home videos and building legos and rebuilding legos bc of simon and REREBUILDING LEGOS BC OF SIMON and planning midnight snacks that never happened and going to the waterpark and going to the park and finally being allowed to go places on our own and practicing singing to you and seeing you at all my concerts and playing Kirby's Return to Dreamland to 100% together and making really disgusting food creations when we were really little and playing with your hotwheels and cleaning my (DIS-GUS-TENG) room together and having random gift days and all your birthdays and all my birthdays and your AMAZING peanut butter fudge banana smoothie (which I,,, still have yet to perfect) and you being absolutely blunt and truthful towards me (except about my drawing skills/drawings which you absolutely loved even though they were terrible) and going through the undertale files to try and hack the end credits so we could get through the mysterious door and having tea parties together with that FUCKING TINY tea set (I have a big one now though) and giving you fashion shows with fucking stupid clothes that were really bad and playing Wii ski together and Super Mario Galaxy together while you were Mario and I froze enemies and collected stars and playing HMTOT and playing Animal Crossing and you selling everything you caught and all your furniture (besides mario stuff, obviously) so I could buy the Gracie Grace stuff (god, I was a cunt) and EOU (YOU'RE AS BLIND AS A WORM) and essentially having our own language and reading jack and annie books when we were really little and just. There's 20,000 more things plus some but I could never list them all. Everything we've ever done together I miss.

I don't know your views on a lot of things now. I don't know what you think about gay people. I've heard that you've called me they instead of he ever since we stopped talking. That's understandable, though. I dressed like a girl and wore makeup and stuff. I was confused. I thought that's what you were supposed to do, as a gay dude. Obviously not. I'm way less out there about my sexuality now. It's not something I talk about. It's not my whole fucking personality anymore. Which is really good.

I've changed so much since I last talked to you. I'm not edgy anymore. I fucking finally hit puberty (GODDAMN IT WAS FUCKING LATE) and my voice is really deep and I've been growing quite a bit of facial hair, which is nice. I don't look like a fucking girl anymore because I stopped dressing like one and wearing makeup and stuff. I realized that being mistaken for a girl felt like shit and tumblr was shit for encouraging that, just because I'm gay. I haven't hurt myself since September 4th, 2017. So that's also good. I've seen the bad things in mom that I couldn't see before. (Even though there's literally. Nothing that should have made your fucking cunt mother and father disown Pauline and mom and I.) I've made more friends and lost a lot too. I've done more writing, but nothing too edgy. I got my shit together in school and I'm going to CCCC starting in the fall. I almost have my driver's license. One of my best friend's moms is the manager at Starbucks and I talked to her about hiring me, so I'm getting a job soon, too. I started learning the piano again, for the first time in 12 years. Since the last time your mom taught it to me. I started cooking more, and have made some pretty amazing dishes, if I do say so myself. Mom and I sent you and Simon birthday and Christmas presents every year. They always were sent back. Except for your 16th birthday. I bought you a pineapple pizza club pin and an orange dad hat with an orange on it. Those are the only things that ever haven't been sent back. I sent a note with them too. Did you read it? I hope so.

I brag about you all the time. Mostly about how smart you are. "My brother essentially taught himself pre-calculus in 10th grade, and STILL passed the class," I say. I then go on to explain that you were homeschooled and your math teacher almost never showed up to the online classes.

I've wondered often about what college you're going to go to, or even if you are going. We used to plan to go to one together. I can't even remember what I wanted as a career the last time we talked. I remember that you had no idea, though. I remember you being really good at coding. Maybe you're majoring in computer sciences? I don't know.

I really miss you a ton. Before she kicked me out, mom used to encourage me to send you a letter. I never did. I was scared. Scared of getting a letter back like the one I sent to Simon on his eighth birthday, or the Christmas package we sent in 2017. Both came back to our house with "RETURN TO SENDER!!!!!!!" written in thick black sharpie on the front. Even worse, I imagined a letter back in your handwriting. I would've been so, so ecstatic. Beyond thrilled. Then upon opening it, finding a handwritten letter from you saying that you never wanted to hear from me again and that you hated me.

It was selfish of me. To not send you a letter. I'm sorry. I texted you twice. You blocked me the second time. It was too scary to me. I should've been brave. For you. Just so you knew I was thinking of you. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I miss you so much.

After I moved back to our hometown, I thought about going to your house. I texted one of your friends. He said that he could text you for me. He said that you said you miss me. And that you'd text me as soon as you turned 18. Tyler, you don't even know my number. I don't know if the guy was lying or not, but I don't think so. He doesn't seem like the type. He said that you wouldn't have him communicate for us. I don't know why.

I don't know why your parents hate me. I don't know what I did. For the longest time, my therapist and mom and Pauline told me that I didn't do anything, it had to have been something between mom and your mom. I didn't believe that at all. If it was just mom, why did they cut Pauline and I off...? But eventually I started to believe them. That was clearly a mistake, seeing how your mom treated me when I saw her. I wonder if she told you about that. She literally slammed the door in my face. In her own son's face. Who she always told would always have a home with her. Who she always told would always have a place in her heart, no matter what happened between mom and her. So clearly I did do something. I have no idea what. Could it really be that I asked about if I had been forgotten for a trip...? Was 15 years of raising a child completely disregarded because I was curious and confused? Again, I have no clue. I doubt I ever will. But if that is the case. If that's why specifically /I/ was cut off (because I know there was something else between mom and your mom that she literally never explained. Literally all mom and Pauline and I know is that apparently mom was "abusive" for years towards your mom, despite nobody ever seeing it, her never mentioning it before I went to Oak Grove, and her saying that she "knew it happened, but didn't know what it was"), then I doubt that your parents ever really loved me. If a simple question erases a lifetime of care and love and bonds and family, then all of those things were never really there.

It's 0737. Yeah, I still use military time. Also, I wanted to do a speech (in my speech class) on why a time system based on 10's would be better for the world. Remember? You wanted that. I couldn't remember the details, though. Anyway. It's 0738. There's 40 hours and 22 minutes until it's been two years since I've seen you.

I often wonder if you think about me. I think about you all the time. Have I faded from your memory? What am I to you now? Am I your brother, your closest confidant, your best friend, and your <>? Am I nothing? Just a faint thought, a distant memory? Or am I your worst enemy? Have your parents convicted you that I'm a horrible person? I desperately hope not. I hope you remember everything. And I hope that you realize that it's been a long time, and we both have matured a ton. Going from an edgy 10th grader who thinks dressing like a girl, screaming "GAY," and looking up undertale AU's are the coolest things ever to a college freshman who finally realized that sexuality shouldn't be a personality trait, being an edgy cunt isn't cool, and responsibilities are actually important is a big difference. I'm sure you've had some huge changes too. You're almost 18. As of today, there's 2 months and 2 days until your birthday. I've been waiting for it for so, so long. An eternity, it feels like. I'm so scared. I don't know if you hate me or not. I'm going to text you. I'm not sure on what, but something. I'll tell you happy birthday. Just so you know how to contact me in case you want to talk. I have no idea if you'll just block me right off the bat. I'm hoping so, so much that Nathanael wasn't saying you hate me.

It's 0756. There's 40 hours and 4 minutes until it's been two years since I've seen you. Error 404 means...something not found, right? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I miss you. I love you.

Please come back soon.

- E. Nikolas B.

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rosymaplemoth · 6 years

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Aether Voicemail

A prompt in my 30 Day Journal was “a voicemail that your protagonist will never delete”.

I went a little overboard and had most of the cast of C:R (plus a few OCs) leave her voicemails. The one she’ll never delete is the last one.

Aether Transmission “Voicemails” for Aronnax (Non-Canon due to voicemail not existing... duh... takes place after Chapter 32: Diver’s Fatigue).

Arsene Lupin

A warm greeting to my fellow outlaw! So you’ve finally landed in South America, have you? I’m certain that a grand adventure awaits you!

…

How is Cardia doing? I’m certain that by now she and Impey have… well, do me a favor and give them my well-wishes! …I know that he’ll make her happy. He’s my partner, after all.

…

Well, it’s time I’m off! I’m in the middle of stealing the hearts of Paris for you, so be ready for it!

[BEEP]

Abraham Van Helsing

What did they expect me to say into this…? I’ve never even met this woman.

[sigh]

… If you let anything happen to her, I hope you know what will be waiting for you when you return.

Oh, and tell Impey that he doesn’t have to worry. I’ve been keeping the others well-fed.

[BEEP]

Victor Frankenstein

It’s been awhile since we last met. I’m glad to hear of your continued success. I’m sure that Impey is keeping things exciting, too. Cardia is probably having to put up with a lot right now.

Ah, but… that’s not the purpose of this message. Um, listen, can you… can you keep this to yourself?

…I really wanted to thank you, Professor Aronnax. I suppose it doesn’t really make sense, but… I feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted off of me.

Nobody deserves to be alone.

I guess what I’m saying is that… I’m glad that Nemo found a friend, too.

U-Um… you will keep that to yourself, right? For my sake? Ahaha… ha… ha…

[BEEP]

The Count of Saint-Germain

Oh? There’s still room for more messages? Well, you were a part of humanity’s first submerged trip across the Atlantic. Please, take a moment to congratulate yourself for this accomplishment. You have certainly earned your place in the history books, Professor.

Hm, there is much more that I need to tell you, but I will be seeing you shortly. It should wait until then. I only wish I could… … well, you will say hello to Miss Cardia for me, won’t you?

Farewell.

[BEEP]

Delacroix II and Sisi

Huh? But I’ve never met Aronnax, why…

[Arf!]

Sisi, you want to say hello to Professor Aronnax?

[….]

Huh… Oh, I get it! You miss Cardia, don’t you?

[whine]

I understand, I miss her, too. Hey, Professor, you’ll tell her that we miss her, right? Ah, Sisi, did you have a message for Impey, too?

[growl……………..!]

[BEEP]

Finis

Huh? Aronnax? I thought I would be able to leave a message for Sister here. Tch… what a waste.

…

Between those two boneheads, I suppose you’re really the one I can trust the most… though, trust me, it’s not a position I want to be in. … Protect Sister. If you make her cry… I will make that weird creep of yours suffer ten times as much!

[BEEP]

Queen Victoria

Oh? All of this secrecy, and yet you allow me to leave a message? Aren’t you cheeky…

Even though I can’t claim you as a child of England, I still feel somewhat of an obligation towards you. Perhaps it’s because you’ve gotten yourself tangled with that scientist… hm. Well, your friends have certainly made things interesting around here. I must thank you for sending Doctor Frankenstein back into my midst. He’s so stubborn, though, still rejecting my invitation into the Royal Society.

…Just how much do these boys think they can accomplish? It’s rather frustrating how much they’re standing up to me. These rebellious streaks, can they stem from anything other than your beloved prince charming? Ha! No, I suppose everyone has their own reasons. Lost homes, their dreams, a desire to belong… what was your reason for rebellion? When I catch you, I hope you’ll give me a fun answer, Pauline Aronnax.

[BEEP]

Ned Land

Oh! Got the signal! Knew I could get that twisty-thingamajig working! Hey, Pauline, why’d you have to run away so fast? You made my sweetheart really upset, you know. He stayed up all night looking for any trace of that damn submarine. Had to knock him out so he’d finally get some shut-eye. … Don’t be stubborn, girlie. Let Ned Land take care of you. I promise I’ll reunite your princey with his lost family quicker than you can blink. He won’t feel a thing! Of course, if you keep on resisting… it might be fun to see how much he can squirm on the end of my harpoon, hahaha! Oh, you all can hide all you want, but the Great Hunter always finds his quarry! Always!

[BEEP]

Conseil

Ah… Professor…

…

How does it feel to be back in South America? We were there for your 20th birthday, weren’t we? Yes, that’s when we went to the Amazon River. You shone like the sun on that expedition.

And then you fell in with those piranhas, remember? You were leaning out too far over the boat to get a better look… I jumped in after you and got you away from those beasts. You looked so confused. I’ll never forget—“Piranhas aren’t inherently dangerous”. “Piranhas have a bad reputation”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!

… It’s the same now, isn’t it? You say the man isn’t dangerous, but everybody knows the truth! London was a sea of fire because of him! I know that if you stay at his side, he will strip you to the bone! I swear I will be the one to save you, Professor, I will make you come to your senses! Please, please come to me!

Do it for yourself, do it for Paris, do it for your Grandfather—

[BEEP]

Jimmy A. Aleister

Aronnax-kun. Have you made it as far as you wanted to go? I’m sure a voyage like this has merely whet your appetite. I’m also sure that there are many things you want to say to me right now. Hold on to that anger, let it settle inside of you until it becomes a part of your very existence. That way, when we meet again, you can show me just how far you’ve come.

I truly, truly look forward to that day.

[BEEP]

eH4o?aaJt+?nhrnts

Good day to you, Professor Aronnax.

We haven’t met yet, but I’m afraid I’ve let my impatience get the best of me once again. It’s one of my greatest vices. I’m sure you understand, right? After all, you couldn’t wait to begin your journey. You couldn’t wait for your friends, your family… you had to leave it all behind to chase after a dream. We’re a lot alike in that way. Oh, Professor, I cannot wait until we meet. You were blessed with a mind capable of piecing together fragments that nobody else could begin to comprehend. You, of all people, will appreciate what I am doing.

Ah, your lover, too, I’m sure… but you have a greater appreciation for peace, do you not? Yes, the peace of silence, of a quiet world where true contemplation can thrive. A kingdom under a sky dancing in rainbow hues… the place I was born to rule… I cannot wait to show it to you.

[BEEP]

Nemo

Bwahahahahahaha….! Now, the greatest message of them all, left by your beloved genius scientist NEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOOOOOOOO---!!!

Are you exciiiiiiited? Hmm, I could talk to you in person, but… your sleeping face is so cute… so I’ll leave this message of iiiiiiinspiration as a surprise instead!

Have you really let it sink in? What the Harper has accomplished? What this meeeeeeeeeans for the world?! A new way of travel! Expanded horizons! Perhaps even a new era, hmmm? Ahhh, sensei would have been so proud of meeeeeee… and what about you? Hee hee, are you just as proud? Of course, you’re very lucky to sleep in the arms of the geeeeeeeeeenius who will change the world!

……. Ahhh---

I shouuuuuld say… I’m pretty lucky too. ❤

Have you realized what you are to me yet? Me, the greatest disciple of science--! What would that make you, the one that humanity is beginning to call “the Bride of Science”? Ohhh, I can’t wait to tell you… the beatification of a still-living scientist—no, apotheosis!! Ahhhhh--- there is a goddess lying in my arms tonight--!! Won’t you allow me, the most devoted of all scientific acolytes, the pleasure of worshiping you?

Hmmm~ I can’t wait to watch the expression on your face as you liiiiiisten to this… you’ll come and find me, won’t you? Now, embrace your beloved and let him use science to lift you to raaaaaaaaaaaapturous delight!

[BEEP]

#rosy writes fanfic #rosy writes fanfiction

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