#it's not everyday that comics make me go “the writers cooked some good shit here”

[littlefankingdom]

~ Batman: Knightfall

This is SUCH an interesting moment, I love it. Where to start?

Maybe on the fact that it reveals that Jean-Paul sees Bruce as a father-figure, and even wishes he was his actually father? "But he says he never thought of him as a father!" Have you seen how many suspension points are used? It shows hesitation, uncertainty, and also fear. Jean-Paul is seeing his dead abusive father and he is scared as said-father gets mad that Jean-Paul dares to follow another man's legacy instead of his. But remember: this is a hallucination created by Jean-Paul's mind, it is not real.

Jean-Paul's hallucinations are a reflection of his own feelings. Saint Dumas is his desire to be worthy of the Bat mantle and the mission Bruce trusted him with. His father is his guilt about his feelings toward his father, a man who raised him and he loved but now knows was abusing him and took his autonomy from him. It's a very commun feeling in victims of parental abuse at the beginning of their journey, and it is amplified here by Jean-Paul's schizophrenia. His guilty is personified by the ghost of his father berating him for prefering to follow Bruce over him, the man that raised him. Berating him for thinking of Bruce as a father over the man that abused him. It's his own mind pointing it out to him. So yeah, Jean-Paul does see Bruce as a father figure, because even tho he barely interacted with him, Bruce is kind of the "good version" of his dad, a man that raised his kids to fight evil but in the goal to protect, not to kill, and who didn't took their autonomy from them. Also, Saint-Dumas represents the ideology his father bequeathed to him, but in his mind, Saint-Dumas' ideology is Bruce's, not his actual father. It is filling the same role, but it changed the "father" he was following.

It is also such a horrifying hallucination that Jean-Paul is having. His father is killed by Saint-Dumas, which will just amplifying Jean-Paul's guilt about his feelings toward his father, and he turns into a skeleton as he burns. Jean-Paul's schizophrenia is harming HIM more than others, he is having an awful time. And when he hurts others, it's not because the hallucinations told him to (even tho that's what his father's vision is doing), but because he was trained since he was a baby and he is struggling fighting the brainwashing.

[indie-struggle]

The Brass Tacks: 9 Billion Thoughts and Counting...

It looks long, but if you're a writer you should have no problem reading this. There are a lot of writers out there. A lot of writers out there. A lot. Think about how many writers you know and aspiring writers you come across and writers who are working on a script or even a novel, and then think about the fact you're only thinking in terms of your own country... maybe even just your state. Does the world need another fucking screenwriting book? No. There are both sides of the paradigm: McKee's Story, and O'Bannon's Guide to Screenplay structure. The only book on screenwriting that doesn't exist is the one that takes you from point A: as a complete amateur, and then helps you turn your script into a produced film for little to no budget at all, and finally to point B: a festival and distribution. Why doesn't this book exist? Because either they don't know how to do this or they're selfish and want to keep it to themselves. You think John Sayles or Jim Jarmusch wants everyone knowing point A-Z on how to go about doing what they do and get away with it? Actually, they'd probably be okay with it, but they'd never write a book. All the books out there are by hacks who never had anything produced, which is why they have the time and stamina to write them. Now back to the point. There are a fuck ton of writers out there. There are a fuck ton of filmmakers out there. Now I don't know if this is getting through yet, and I don't know if it all got more popular due to consumer product advancement and the internet, or it's always been this popular and I didn't know about it until the internet. Either way, there are way too many hacks. There is too much crap. Self-titled Youtube star: You've written 3 short scripts - not enough. You haven't put in the time it takes to understand wholly and completely the fantastically dreadful and agonizing world that writing is. You don't know shit yet. You need to put in your hours, your dues. You're not going to know enough by reading 5 screenplays and watching comic book movies over and over and over again. You're not - come to terms with that. What the hell do you have to draw from? It would be like a singer thinking they're ready to cut an album after 3 lessons, a show party, and an invite to a backstage orgy a of couple times. Here are my tips from a working, produced writer and director that has tried to help as many people as possible, but still can't seem to get it all through their thick fucking heads. And if you think I'm base or coarse, try working with James Cameron and you'll realize I'm the nicest fucking guy in the state of California - so here's 10 things: #1. Put in your hours. Like anything else, filmmaking: writing, directing, producing, budgeting, electric, gripping, etc, etc - even craft services must know how to cook the food you eat, they don't just flop the first thing they make onto a plate and say, "Well that looks edible. Good luck, everybody." But what does hours mean? It means writing, writing again, again and again and again. Taking breaks here and there, sure, thinking about story, figuring things out, reading, watching, being uncertain, and having zero to fall back on. I want to stress that last part. If you have something to fall back on you'll never get anywhere - you've already set your hindsight on a safety net so you'll never put your whole life and passion into your work. Put in the hours. Put in the years. Get film history and not just American films either - I've said this until I was blue in the face: every writer or filmmaker you idolize film history is soaked in foreign and American films dating to 1920 and possibly before. You’re not going to be like them without doing that. Period. Get to work. #2. You're going to be rejected. Say that to yourself. You... are going... to be... rejected. It is a fact of life. If there is one thing that Stephen King got right in his book to himself. It's that no matter where or who you are, or what you want to do, there will always be somebody who doesn't want you to do it. It's just a fact. Get over it, fuck them. Because if all it takes is someone to say, "I don't like it." to get you to fall to pieces, you never stood a chance to begin with. This is the only rule I know that's 100% true. You have to say fuck what anyone thinks, but still know where you lie, know your skill set, and know your place in the chain of command. #3. There is no how to do it book. If these motherfuckers like [removed] and [removed], [removed], [removed], [removed], and [removed], knew what they were talking about, they wouldn't be writing books or critiquing to make ends meet, they'd be working on the exact thing they're trying to give you advice on. Look at me for example. I've had over 5 feature films made - have I any desire to write a book about it? Do I want to write a book? Fucking no - why? It takes a staggering amount of arrogance to write a "Here’s the rules." book. Perhaps I'll do a seminar if I make it to 80, though. #4. Get offline. Leave, take a break from it. Disconnect. You need something to stimulate your mind. The internet does not stimulate your mind. This is why I hardly post, because I'm outside, doing shit, and stimulating my subconscious through conscious activities. Example: surfing, building puzzles, painting (poorly), walking around town and people watching, taking a class to learn something new, reading a novel and not falling asleep, trying to meet nice people, failing, etc. I was - and I'm going brag now - hugged by a woman who I told to get the fuck off facebook. Why? Because it's a poisonous environment. When you first wanted to do the things you did as a child - that great feeling and anticipation of doing it - did you check first to see what others might think? No, you just did it. People who spend their life on the internet, that's all they got, and it's all they'll ever have. Like assholes at the gym everyday. That's their life. And much like a book, there is no secrets that will plant you in the door to where you want to be out there that’s on the internet. You need to do the work that doesn't require anyone's opinion - especially not from a poisonous swamp. Disconnect. Trust me on this. No TV, no internet. No reading this. #5. No, you don't have a great idea for a TV show. Day after day after day I'm pitched TV show ideas, and they're all fucking terrible. "Well maybe Netflix will--" No, they won't. And if they do, great, fantastic, but what does that mean in the end? Netflix has an agenda. There are reasons you can't see things on there. Even 30 year comedians can't get specials released on there because they're too "risky" or "Dangerous" for this "climate" blah-blah-blah (Nick Di Paolo comes to mind). In the end you'll just be a stenographer pandering to smiling execs under a different logo, is that what you want? To be a tool for money? A whore? God, if my parents could only see me now. If you want to do that, then fine, have at it - but get out of my sandbox - because I bet you dollars to donuts, at the end of the day, you'll feel cheap, hollow, and empty inside if you have any insides left. Just because some random show got picked up, doesn't mean it has the weight or resilience to continue. You must know this. Even pros like David Milch have had shows ripped from his grasp by idiot studio executives that went to Brown and think they know what you want to see. It's bullshit. Netflix is even more brutal in cutting throats - they'll just stop the show, period. At least studios and production companies will say no beforehand, that's the only difference. What makes me so certain? I wrote for one of the shows on there, and I’ve worked with these people (if you can call it that). #6. You must realize that not every story is aimed at a Hollywood studio's idea of a universal audience. Just like not all music is aimed for Tower Records or EMI. Ambitions do not have to be at studio level production budgets. They don't. If that's what you like - making big action packed sci-fi what have you - then by all means have at it. But never (which is something I try never to say) judge someone else's work under a shallow pretense that it's written for the Hollywood studio system. Always keep an objective mind. And if you're not experienced enough to know what a certain story is aimed at, what budget it's written for, what audience it will appeal to (as if that's important), than ask or say nothing at all. Do not assume Sally's cute story about women and their troubles with men was aimed for a studio production, because it wasn't. And you pretending it was makes you look like an inexperienced ass. Avoid that. #7. Yes, no one owes you a read. But, just because someone read your work also doesn't entitle them to be a piece of shit for the sake of being a piece of shit. You're allowed to ignore. Personal preference is not the same as criticism. It's not - never has been. Didn’t I do an article on this? You must know how to dicern between the two. I'm on both sides of this. I've read a lot of crap, but I've read a lot of decent work as well. A lot of the crap was of stuff I liked and disliked, and same with the decent reads. It did not, however, effect my criticism - I set my personal preferences aside - and judged for what didn't work as a story. And you need to do this as well. Judge it for what it is, not what you want it to be, what you would like better, or what you think would sell to an audience - the writer doesn't give a shit anyway - so don't waste your breath on that, they want useful facts about what doesn’t work and why. You need to be explaining what you found that worked, and what you found that didn't work, or was confusing to you. This sets off light bulbs in the writer's head (one hopes), and your criticism becomes constructive. Think of it from another, power-structure perspective: you have little experience in cooking, you're an intern for a famous chef. You eat one of his meals and it's not so great, not your "cup of tea". So you decide to tell him what you would have done and what you think would be better. But, you're the intern - why should the chef give a shit? In fact, you're probably just seen as a fool giving advice to someone who knows what they're doing and instead of being helpful you’re a moron following a set of rules you picked up somewhere. Why? Because you’re not a chef yet. #8. No one is going to hold your hand through this. It's a tough, masochistic art, that sometimes isn't even art. Sometimes it's a slot machine with the idea of praying for a big winner. Fuck, I wish I could tell you it's not. I wish I could tell you that all your dreams are horrifically beautiful and fantastic and lovely and everyone cares about everyone else. But they don't. It's cold out here. You die at the end. You're going to get trampled on, spit at, kicked around, beaten and pushed until the only thing left of the person you used to be is ash with bad knees, a migraine, and a sore ego. That's the way it is. Have you ever wondered why people in the entertainment industry have astoundingly fragile egos? Why they constantly suck each other off? This is why. Things have always been separated between two things: good ones and bad ones. "I thought you were a good one.", "I was worried you were one of the bad ones." There is not enough space here to go into detail on what this means, and how it has effected and affected people just trying to live and make art since 1890, but it's awful and it's a disgrace (read Sidney Lumet’s book). In short, it's the business side. Frigid. Unless you can let things go, unless you have a great bullshit detector or can let it roll off your back. My advice to you is to be as solitary as possible, and work on what you want to work on. It may not pay, but damn it at least you'll be doing what you want to do, and you'll have no regrets in the end because it’s from the heart. #9. Everyone is different. Not everyone is into the same things as you. And not everyone sees orange as the same color you do. Only kids think this way. Doesn't matter what social media says, the media in general, or politically correct congregations. We're not all the same. The "fucks" in your dialogue will be taken by one person as anger or threatening, and another person as just normal speaking. Backgrounds are different, environments are different. Hair styles are different. White houses, or broken fences. Different. We are not homogeneous. Film is also not a soapbox, or podium for political causes and social agendas. If you want to push an agenda, make a documentary. Cinema is also not (regardless of what undeserving rich directors think) about money. Its lively hood and quality doesn't exist on whether or not a certain number of people bought a ticket. You have any idea how many geniuses over time died flat broke and are only now recognized for their feats? Anyone can feed peanuts to a hungry idiot if given the chance. They’ll gobble that shit up. But peanuts never stand the test of time.

“Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing“ - William Goldman

What cinema is about is simple: broadening minds, culturing people about things they've never seen through places they've never been, and reflecting human emotions. Real human emotions, not sentimentality. Fantasy is fun, and has its place, but nothing but fantasy is disillusionment. Ultimately, if you have nothing to say in the former regard, who or what are you doing it for? The money? The pain? Why? Cinema is not just about entertainment. That's what the circus is for - not film. If you're not trying to make an objective moral point, or reflect human nature as how it's seen in a way most can't see it, then what are you doing? What part of this is you? The money? These are the things that you will be asked by a producer or executive. #10. You're struggling, you don't know if you have it, you don't know if you've lost it. You're confused, puzzled, irritated, aggravated, disappointed, hate filled, self-loathing but polite to strangers for some reason... there is no path you can see through the forest. That’s because there isn’t one. But every creative person goes through this, you are not alone. You are not alone. I know it doesn’t help with the pain, but at least there’s that. Whether or not you keep going separates you from those who quit - as cliche as that sounds - it's goddamn true. Find your pace, and just keep going. You’ll know sooner or later if it’s in your blood. If that wasn't enough to motivate you, let me tell you a brief story: When I was a boy, I had one parent, I was emotionally abused on a daily basis by her because I looked like the man who left. My father was somewhere. I was abused by my classmates. Betrayed by so called friends. Chased by the police. Oppressed by my teachers. Sought after by gang members, beaten up daily, fought back daily. I wasn't liked. No idea why, confused. And this was all while dealing with just the growing up part, and puberty to boot. But, I escaped into a world that thankfully wasn't drugs, yet every analyst I've ever seen has told me that it normally should have been. But it wasn't. A lot of bad shit has happened to me, and I've met a lot of people. This is my personal well I draw from. If you don't have one, you usually make one just by living: being a player and not a spectator. I've lived a lot - too much, too soon. But the point I'm trying to make is that somehow I'm still alive. I am alive. I never thought I'd make it to 20. You hear that a lot, but I really didn't. I had 3 close friends, and 2 of them did not. The 3rd moved away, or ran, it doesn't matter - he forgot me, so I try hard to forget him. I had no college education, I had no picket sign with any anti-something on it. I had, and still have, whatever my pocket gives me. That's it. That’s all. And I'm damn happy to have it. Now, I'm long, long past 20. I can’t even remember it. And if someone like me who has been through the things that he's been through can heal from bruises, try to sew up wounds... then you can sit your fucking ass down and finish your goddamn script. I've finished plenty of mine. So knock off the bullshit and just do it. What are you worried about, failing? So what, get back on the bike.

[katsuragi-yako]

Rules: Answer the questions you’ve been given, then write your own and tag 11 people.

Tagged By: @deviliciious ( Thank you so much!! )

#1 Whether you have other blogs, are a multi-muse or only have one muse, who has been or currently is your most favorite character to play? What is it that makes you enjoy that character so much?

Honestly, I love playing Yako. She is my number one favorite fictional character of all time, and I truly enjoy roleplaying her. However, so that I’m not being entirely predictable, I’ll give an honorary mention and shout out to Renet from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( either the comic versions or the 2k3 series version ). I used to run an ask blog for her a while back and even a full rp blog for a little while before I got locked out of it. I love Renet to pieces and what made her so fun to play was that she can literally interact with anyone because of her powers and abilities. I could throw her pretty much anywhere and it works. Not to mention, she has such a fun personality to write for. I love my airhead, scatterbrained, time-traveling, dimension-hopping daughter. Maybe one day I’ll bring her back. I suck at juggling rp blogs but... idk maybe I’d give it another shot for her.

#2 What has been the most pleasant experience on this website? Related to writing or interactions with a person, whatever you can remember!

Tumblr specifically? Mmm... Weird as it might sound ( since drama in the rp community seems to happen constantly ), pretty much all of my rp experiences on here have been good. If I had to pick a favorite or “best” I’d say that my Ask Blog days as Renet and Usagi were very high up there. I made some great friends doing that, including someone who I talk to nearly everyday still and want to meet in person someday. Though, my experience with Yako has also been fantastic. If it’s not tied with the Ask Blog days, it’s damn near close.

#3 In your opinion, what is the hardest aspect when it comes to roleplaying? How about the easiest? What do you do to overcome any lack of muse, interactions, etc.?

This is going to sound like such a weird answer but, honestly, it’s the social aspect of roleplaying that is the toughest for me. I generally do not to have a huge OOC presence on my blogs and try to limit how many OOC posts I make ( because my first rp experience on tumblr was a group that had a limit to OOC posts, and that just sorta stuck with me ). Combine this with the fact that I’m usually quite reserved or quiet unless I get comfortable chatting with someone, and I think I end up lacking a lot of... mmm... personal presence? Reaching out to people to talk about roleplay related things is something I’ve grown used to, but I still have a lot of trouble sometimes talking to people about anything more, even if I want to. Believe me when I say I want to get to know the people I write with, but it’s a very tough thing for me to do because I constantly second guess if I’m talking too much or getting too personal. Plus, I am shit at keeping track of time so sometimes I drop off the face of the earth without meaning to and will realize too little too late that it’s been like a week or two since I’ve talked to someone rip.

#4 Favorite threads to have? Long or short, angst, fluff, etc.

Medium to longer length threads are generally my preference because even when I try to do short threads, my wordy ass always ends up lengthening it anyway. As for subject matter, I’m both a sucker for fluff and angst. Fluffy angst included. Give me all of it!

#5 Mention any positive influences you have! From other writers, book, shows, etc.

Haha, my Neuro ( itadxkimasu ) has honestly been a very positive influence on my writing. He’s a fantastic writer and I like to think I’ve grown a lot by roleplaying with him.

#6 Do you have a routine when it comes to writing? Write at a certain hour, do a certain number of replies, use the queue, format a certain way, etc.

Most of the time I write later in the day or in the evening since I’m more of a night owl. Sometimes when my sleep schedule is off from its norm and I’m up earlier I’ll write earlier as well, but that’s pretty rare. As for replies, since I usually don’t have that many threads at one time, I kinda stick to only doing one at a time. Like if I have two replies, I’ll do one reply and then either wait until the next day to do the other one, or at least take a break before doing it. There’s always exceptions, though. I rarely ever queue replies and I’ve been using the same simple format for my posts pretty much since I started this blog. Nothing too fancy there.

#7 How about sharing a few songs that inspire you? Whether they remind you of your muse or just put you in the mood to write, toss them here!

I’ve made both a Yako Playlist and a NeuYako Playlist in the past that includes a lot of music I use to make me think of Yako specifically. But I’ll sometimes listen to other music while writing. I love both SCANDAL and SID, The recent Kuroshitsuji Musicals, a lot of the recent Guild Wars 2 expansions soundtracks, and other stuff that kinda comes and goes depending on my moods haha.

#8 What has been the hardest character you have played? If you have played only one character then what has been the hardest part of portraying that character?

The hardest character I’ve played was one that I felt kinda forced into playing by a roleplay partner of mine a while back. They were absolutely desperate for someone to roleplay as MCU Thor and I felt somewhat obligated to do it since they had tried out a different character for me in the past. The character himself wasn’t the problem, though, it was more... that I lacked any sort of muse for him, and the subject matter of what they wanted me to roleplay with them made me very uncomfortable. Thankfully I didn’t have to do it for very long, as they eventually found someone else and kinda dropped me as a partner. But now I’m extremely wary about picking up a character for anything besides my own desire to play them.

#9 Any advice you would like to give to roleplayers? About the community, how to stay active, how to write, how to approach people, etc. Whatever crosses your mind.

For me, the hardest part is always the first step. If I can get myself to take the first step for anything--whether it be wiritng a reply I owe, reaching out to a person I want to interact with, making more icons or a new theme, etc--every thing after that goes easier than I always think it will. Hell, sometimes you almost have to force yourself to do it because if you’re like me, you tend to procrastinate even the things you enjoy sometimes because idk... reasons. But a lot of the time if I force myself to take the first step towards getting it done, I end up enjoying it. Or, at very least, realizing it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.

#10 If you could change one thing about your character, what would it be?

Hmmm... what I would change about Yako... I don’t know, I really like her the way she is, so there’s nothing I’d really change? If anything, I just want more MTNN so that we can learn even more about her LMAO. I guess if I had to choose one thing, it’d be to stop selling herself short so much. She largely underestimates her own abilities because I think, to her, they seem pretty lackluster next to a demon who could kill her in an instant if he so desired. But she really does accomplish some amazing things over the course of the series that likely none of the other human characters could have been capable of doing.

#11 What are a few things you would like to say to the people who write with you? Any advice about how to interact with your character? What you are looking for, wishlists, plot ideas, share some of your desires here so people can see!

Thank you so, so much for writing with me. I’ve really enjoyed most, if not all, of the interactions I’ve had on this blog and I look forward to more in the future! As for a wishlist of sorts... mmm... well, I still have plans to add more verses to broaden my options. So, whenever I get any of those finished, I’d love some threads for any of them. I’d also be down for a thread where Yako cooks with or for someone! I think that could be fun. Also, just more female characters in general! Yako interacts with mostly men for some reason ( not that that’s a bad thing, of course ), and I’d like her to meet some girls too!

My questions for those I’m tagging to answer are under the cut!

Tagging: @itadxkimasu, @bomba-tea, @gxxdgiirl, @timeovercome, @kcguya, and anyone else that would like to do it!

1. What was your first roleplay experience on tumblr? Do you consider it to be a good or bad one?

2. What are some of your favorite characters you’ve roleplayed in the past? If you haven’t roleplayed any other characters in the past, are there any that you wish you had?

3. Are there any characters that you have your eye on to possibly roleplay in the future at some point?

4. What is the hardest thing about roleplaying for you? Have you learned to overcome it? If so, how?

5. Are you happy with how you write or portray your character? Is there anything you want to improve upon?

6. Did you roleplay before doing so on tumblr? What were some platforms that you used in the past to do so?

7. Do you have a “type” when it comes to characters that you roleplay, or are you pretty varied? If you haven’t roleplayed more than one character, could you see yourself playing a similar character in the future, or would you try something different?

8. Does music help or hinder you while writing? If it helps, what do you usually listen to? If it doesn’t, do you stick with silence or do you listen to something else?

9. Is there a specific character that no one is roleplaying right now that you wish someone out there would pick up so that you could interact with them?

10. Is there anything about roleplaying on tumblr that annoys you? If so, what platform would you like to switch to? If not, what do you like most about roleplaying here?

11. How long do you think you’ll be roleplaying for? Any foreseeable end in sight, or will you be doing it for years to come? 

[violetsystems]

#personal

Things have been mellow though there’s always these tiny ripples of shit that seems more like chapters closing than anything.  My new boss at work is pretty cool.  It’s been kind of uncertain how things would change or stay the same.  My attitude towards things has been a lot more positive insofar as I just try to adapt.  I’ve been running a lot before work.  The other day I ran through both a fashion shoot and a movie shoot.  This was all before like eight thirty am on a weekday.  It’s the first time I’ve seen either of those on my morning routine.  Things are weird like that now out here.  It can be a little too fake sometimes.  I don’t really go out anymore unless it’s to travel.  The most social I get is either running by the lake or coffee.  Most of the time I have headphones on when I’m running so there’s nothing really social other than passing people.  It ends up being pretty diverse but pretty solitary mostly.  Coffee isn’t so much like that unfortunately.  My friend from the shop that closed by my house started working at the place I go near work a few weeks ago.  It’s been weird over there for a minute now.  People know me by now that I don’t really use Instagram to promote stuff.  Pictures are just easier for me than talking sometimes.  I’m not trying to be famous or be seen.  That’s just how I communicate.   I found out today that place got bought out.  And it’s a really sad story because the owner took it really hard.  And the new owners were in there today measuring the counters and getting in the way of customers.  It was super fucking bizarre.  It’s been really annoying there camera and phone wise too.  Just super overbearing.  But this is another layer of Chicago that is kind of off putting.  These people that swoop in like vultures and try to capitalize.  I guess things get popular and blow up.  I wouldn’t know.  I’m still typing away on the internet vaguely and fighting to get recognition year after year.  Not so much in my day job.  Which is weird to say when you have so much else going on.  None of it seems to matter to people here.

For me it’s been easier to ignore.  I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  I desperately think things should be genuine or they’re not worth your time.  For awhile I think people made me think I was crazy for craving that.  Then for awhile I think people weren’t mature enough to make good on that.  So I didn’t really even bother.  I focused on things that inspired me and I thought about them.  In that process, I made things in my apartment.  Music, shirts, screens, and whatever.  Stuff I wear everyday that people still ignore alongside all the undercover stuff.  In some ways, I’ve graduated from hiding in plain sight to some sort of hidden joke people think they get.  To me it’s not really all that amusing.  I’ve tried to change my attitude towards it.  But people being fake is pretty easy for me to spot.  It’s more that I’m not part of their narrative.  I don’t exist until people start talking about me in some important conversation.  And at that point I’m still the same Tim.  I know when people go back to certain dates on my blog.  I know why maybe too.  None of that seems fake to me.  Maybe I’ve just kept growing all these years.  Maybe I turned into a good writer.  Maybe I like to look for new things that inspire me artistically so I can look back at my own abilities as an artist and create something as well.  I’m not trying to get anywhere faster.  I don’t see why anybody would want to unless they’re afraid of fucking it all up.  Maybe that’s why people rush ahead.  Make stupid choices.  I’m not stupid.  I’m also not a mean person.  I’ve come to realize this day after day of putting up with whatever the city throws at me.  And it’s thankless.  Mostly just certain aspects of real life here.  Some people don’t even have a job they enjoy let alone an outlet to vent to.  I get more love than I know.  For a long time I didn’t.  Absolutely none.  Except like on places like this blog.  

Which is why emotional labor aside I try to figure out ways to help me ignore things.  I bought Breath of the Wild last weekend.  I didn’t get to play much of it but what I did play was really beautifully done.  I’ve been buying a bunch of music.  I got a merzbow cd that is one track seventy two minutes long recorded live.  I listened to it the other night while cooking dinner.  It was really awkward because it was chicken.  Other than that both were really enjoyable.  I also got a Pansonic cd which is a duo from Finland consisting of Mika Vainio and Ilpo Väisänen.  Mika passed away recently but the soundtrack is sadly still relevant scoring a documentary about Chernobyl.  I’ve been doing a bunch of side work for music.  Traxman is in Shanghai at the moment so that’s been really good for all of us.  I’ve been more into learning about China lately over the last year.  I made a joke the other day about the only language I was fluent in was whatever Jabba the Hutt spoke.  I still study and read Korean and I study Mandarin too.  I don’t speak either all that well but it’s fun.  The world is a big place.  I just did a mix for Hong Kong Community Radio.  I did one for Seoul Community Radio awhile back.  My cousin lives out there.  So I’ve been looking for excuses to go back.  Not sure if I’m going to make it this back to Asia this fall yet or not.  I still haven’t headed back to NYC.  It’s like the vacation is just sitting there waiting to be used.  I’ve been enjoying staying at home though and saving money.  I feel a lot healthier after running twenty miles a week since April.  It’s been over half a year since I’ve drank alcohol.  I got bored with it.  It wasn’t doing me any favors.  I’ve been sorting through all these comics from my dad’s house.  So I’ve been focusing on organizing my life and cleaning up my apartment.  I’m actually really happy these days.  The right people pay attention.  And it’s my job to make sure what I have to say is relevant.  And all I really have to say is thank you for all the love.  I’m sure the next phase of whatever is to come will continue to be positive. <3