#it's not even food related because i ate enough and drank 5 bottles over the course of the day but i feel SO bad

[born-to-lose]

This 4 hour car ride through the middle of nowhere and 4 hours back home got me feeling more nauseous than after binge drinking

[mosesbor-blog]

ENVIRONMENTAL RESOURCES.

PART 1: TRUTH AND RECONCILIATION AND SUSTAINABILITY

UN’s sustainability goal of reduced inequalities aims to reduce inequality within and among countries. This goes hand in hand with Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Committee that aims to rid the inequalities between aboriginals and non-aboriginals due to past attempts at assimilation through cultural genocide and the history residential schools in the past that was created to make the first nation community in Canada to let go of their culture and beliefs. Moreover, The UN’s sustainability goals of good health and well being and no poverty mirrors the Truth and Reconciliation committees’ agenda of eradicating extreme poverty within the first nations community and making sure they can access health care and other basic life necessities that will allow them to live a comfortable life. When it comes to well-being, the truth and Reconciliation committee sheds light on empowering indigenous women who have been subjected to a lot of gender focused violence including rape, kidnappings and homicides across Canada in order to end the violence against aboriginal women. UN’s goals of peace and justice also aligns itself with TRC’s goals of reconciliation regarding the injustices that faced by the aboriginal community. However, for this reconciliation to happen justice needs to be provided. As stated by TRC “Without truth, justice and healing there can be no reconciliation” We therefore can see how the truth and reconciliation in Canada can be achieved in relation to UN’s sustainable development goals.

  PART 2: WATCH

Question 1

The talks made me think about how much of importance certain species are to the environment even though they are perceived as otherwise in the society. With vultures we see how they are a species that is seen as unworthy and grotesque when reality is that they keep the environment clean and prevent spread of diseases. Without them the environment would be in turmoil. The talks also made me think about how plants communicate with each other at a much more complex level than what we perceive. We see how the paper birch and douglas fir had a 2-way communication through a connection of underground root systems that enabled them to transfer Carbon dioxide when one tree species was denied of carbon dioxide.

Question 2

I would say that the aspect of nature and biodiversity that is the most important protects is our forests and plant cover. This is because plants play such an important role in our environment. They benefit the ecosystem by providing oxygen for organisms to survive, able to reduce pollution by absorbing the carbon dioxide, they are the basis of most food webs, provide shelter to birds, animals and insects, prevent soil erosion and provide wood fruits and medicines as well

The most important way that we can protect our forests and plants is by educating ourselves and others on its importance and making sure people and society understands how vital plants and forests are for the survival of the ecosystem.

 PART 3: ACTION

Question 1 and 2

I decided to spend my time in nature just as spring was about to set in and I did this at the forks. I sat by one of the benches overlooking the river and just watched how the ice started to melt up and you could finally see some patches of water where ice was. I saw a couple of birds flying about and I could smell the spring fresh air settle in, and the sun was out, and I could feel its warmth on my face. This period made me feel calm and at peace with the nature I was surrounded by and it made me grateful that I could sit back and just enjoy the environment without any distractions.

Question 3

During the jack frost challenge activity in class I would say I enjoyed the opportunity to just be outdoors, the thing that would have made it better for me is if I had more information on what to expect. In future I would love to go bird watching but overall, I loved the experience and it was lovely to be part of it.

PART 4: IN CLASS BLOG QUESTIONS

Human environment connections

Spending more time outdoors and indulging in outdoor activities that involve interacting with the environment around you is one of the major ways that promotes human connection to nature.

Isolating ourselves from outdoor activities or interaction with the environment and allowing the interference of technology or the modern world to get in the way of having a few moments in the environment is one of the ways we can create a disconnection from nature.

By alienating ourselves from nature we tend to diminish the use of many of our senses. We also end up not having an interest in protecting it and we forget how important it is to our lives in terms of food sources, our climate and quality of life.

World views

My environmental ethics lie with bio centrism as I hold the ethical perspective that all life deserves equal moral consideration or has equal moral standing. I therefore believe that all organisms in our ecosystem that include human beings, animals and plants should have equal moral standing subjected to each one of them as they are all important to the ecosystem.

Wild spaces

Yes, parks can meet its dual mandate of access and protection. This can be done by enforcing rules that would minimize human contact with plants and animals and designating areas for human activities in order to minimize disruption of the ecosystem. These are just some of the ways that this can be achieved in Wapsuk national park.

   PART 5: LISTEN

Slow movement

3 challenges

Making that shift from the fast-paced life and own shifting to slow one can be hard to adjust to especially if most of your life was based on a fast-paced way of life, changing your mindset and attitude, rethinking your priorities and rethinking the way you approach life in entirety.

3 opportunities

Re-connection to food, people and the natural environment  helps to preserve natural resources, strengthen communities and increase our physical and mental health and well being, the opportunity to become part of local life and to connect to a place and its people through slow travel, you are able to develop values and ethics that will enable them to live a joyous life in the slow lane.

PART 6: ACTION

a.       The chemicals I investigated from my personal care products (facial moisturizer, hair oil and body wash) included liquidum, stearic acid and cetrimonium chloride. According to the product guide from environmental working group liquidum ranked as good while stearic acid and cetrimonium chloride ranked as fair.

b.       During my one week of purchase I ate out 3 days of that week which included food I ordered. The cost of this was higher as compared to the days I cooked at home. For beverages I consumed about 5 liters of juice and drank a liter of water daily. The environmental impacts were at a minimum as I threw banana peels and fruit remains in the compost and plastic bottles of juice in the recycle bin accordingly. In future I aim to monitor and reduce the amount of plastic I use and also aim to make more home cooked meals in order to cut down on costs for ordering in.

c.       Most electronic wastes have toxins in them, so it is extremely important to dispose them in the right kind of way. In future I would deal with electronic waste by either giving away or donating the devices to other people who may need them or find use for them in other ways. In addition to that, I would look to various buy back programs that buy back used devices at an offer to either upgrade or get some money in return.

d.       For our household reducing food waste is one of the major ways in which we can improve sustainability. This three-step plan is what I came up with to reduce food waste. The first initiative is to shop smart and realistically by not purchasing a lot of food that might go to waste later, knowing how much you need is very important in order to avoid throwing away excess food. The second step is to plan meals for the week, this would create a system whereby you know how much food you need to prepare early enough an the last thing is to use left over to help stretch your weeks meal, that way you don’t need to cook unless you have to or you only cook once you ran out of leftovers.

   PART 7: IN CLASS BLOG QUESTIONS

Zoos

a.       Zoos role in conservation should be in research and education that will help the public understand and educate them about the environment from which different species come from in order to help conserve the natural habitats of the animals.

b.       Its ethical to keep some animals in zoos for a short period of time. Animals that may be hurt in the wild or infant animals that do not have parents can be taken in at zoos until they are ready to go back into the wild. Other than that, it is not ethical to keep any sized animal locked up in a cage for recreational purposes.

c.       I enjoy visiting zoos for learning purposes.

Food

a.       I like my food system as it is cheap and easy to manage. This because I can cook when I can and when I’m busy I tend to cook for the whole week that way I don’t have to waste time cooking during the week period.

b.       I dislike the fact that I don’t incorporate as much healthy substitutes to my food as I would like to, but it is something I’m working in the remaining part of the year.

Oceans

a.       My primary concerns about oceans is the amount of waste and pollution that has been going on over the past decades with accumulation of toxins and plastic that have caused the death of several sea animals.

b.       Educating yourself and others is one of the main ways I plan to take part in this fight for environmental justice for our oceans and water bodies. Emphasizing the effect of plastics and spreading the word of better biodegradable substitutes can go a long way.

           References

Cosmetic database. (2013). Retrieved March 26, 2019 from https://www.ewg.org/skindeep/

Honoring the truth reconciling the future: summary of the final report of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada. (2015).  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication.

How trees talk to each other. (2016). Retrieved march 26, 2019 from  https://www.ted.com/talks/suzanne_simard_how_trees_talk_to_each_other#t-634135

Minimizing food waste. (2019). Retrieved March 27, 2019 from https://www.unenvironment.org/regions/north-america/regional-initiatives/minimizing-food-waste

Sustainable development goals. (2015). Retrieved March 27, 2019 from https://sustainabledevelopment.un.org/?menu=1300

Why I love vultures. (2012). Retrieved March 26, 2019 from https://www.ted.com/talks/munir_virani_why_i_love_vultures#t-46531

[lifeafterthewake]

11.12.2018

I wasn’t and I’m still not sure what to do with this account. I’ve started it as an attempt at blogging and it’s clearly not working. Then again it usually is quite a challange for me to write as I live with a person who talks a lot and I seek their presence. Oftentimes I talk and all the content inside my mind gets spilled and discharged. But right now I’m in a bit of a pickle, staying at a friend’s house while they’re away so naturally more thoughts come to my mind and the need to express them is more apparent.

I wanted to write a little bit about self-control or self-control issues. I’ve never been good with self-control. Whether it’s money, food, learning for important exams, managing my time, speaking to other people or managing the power I have in relation to them - there were always issues.

My weight is an issue of great concern to me as my whole childhood and adolescence I was bombarded with contradicting communicates: that I eat too much, that I don’t eat enough, that I’m too fat, that my weight is fine, that I should do more physical activities while I was going to extracurricular classes almost all the time (karate, dancing, swimming, horse riding for a short period of time). My parents are obese and they eat too much and so I was overweight ever since I went to elementary school. The most I ever weighed was 102kg I think. I was 15 years old then. It was a turning point for me as when I crossed the 100kg line I thought to myself ‘this is too much, this is dangerous, I have to do something about it’. And so I did.

Before going into highschool, so 15/16 years old I’ve imposed a set of strict dietary rules upon myself. I ate every 3 hours 5-6 meals a day, I chewed every bite 30 times or until it was practically dissolved in my mouth, I’ve only eaten one meal at a time, so no multiple dish dinners. I avoided sweets and juice, drank mostly water. As a result I’ve lost... I’m not sure really. The least I weighed was 76 or 78 I think. Let’s go with 76. So I’ve lost 26 kilograms. In 6 months time. I looked like a different person. I wouldn’t say I was mentally happy with myself but physically I felt so much better. I still had to deal with comments from my family about how I don’t eat anything and how I look ‘so thin’ but it was managable.

I’ve stopped sticking to my ‘no sweets’ rule about a year into high school. It was hard to keep it up. Generally my eating habits have loosened since then but I still feel like it was much needed, even though it wasn’t a safe thing to do, for me to feel that I can achieve something if I try hard enough. You see, I never really had to try to do anything in school. I’m an intelligent person and I’ve never had problems with grades during my time in lower education. It is a bit of an issue now that I’m studying but it’s still mostly managable.

When I moved out of my parents house I got drunk on the money. I still can’t responsibly spend my money although I have taught myself to spend less on food. My father rented me a flat and sent in about 330$ a month for me to live on. I don’t live in US or UK so it’s actually quite a lot of money for a student’s needs (for measure: a loaf of bread in a chainstore costs about 0,68$; 1,5L bottle of water 0,39$; 1kg of chicken breast +/-4,74$) . In the beginning I was spending it like crazy, mostly on food that I was eventually throwing away. I was cooking a lot back then too. You see, I say I’m bad with money but if I am bad then my parents are horrible with it. They probably spend about 530$ a month on food itself, and probably throw away about a 1/5 of it. Every time I visit their house the fridge is brimming with food (and it’s usually cold cuts or cooked meat that I don’t eat often anymore). So you can imagine what kind of an environment I was subconsciously trying to recreate and why it was so costly.

Food apart I don’t manage my money well unless I absolutely have to. My father usually sends me extra cash whenever I need it so I got lazy about controlling my spendings, I splurge on material items and then run out of money for food or I irresponsibly spend money on food in the city center because I don’t have time to cook and I hate planning meals ahead so I run out of cash very quickly (a dinner in the downtown area costs me about 5,26$ per main course; for the same amount I can cook a meal for 3 days). This semester I got super lazy with my diet as well, preciesly because I had so classes at uni. I usually try to avoid grains and wheat because my body doesn’t deal well with gluten in excess. Lately I’ve let myself completely loose (because of personal reasons as well) and I feel horrible.

I feel horrible to the point where I’ve made myself vomit my food twice during the last two weeks. The first time was when I came back from my grandparents’ (02.12). I ate a lot during the small party they threw and I was feeling very sick. ‘I ate a lot’ doesn’t cut it. I stuffed myself. Partially because seeing my family is always very stressful for me, it’s emotionally difficult, I can’t seem to find a way to deal with them and I think it’s getting worse the longer I ignore the issues that I should address. But it’s exactly the lack of self-control that is keeping me from doing it. My parents are very manipulative and the slightest chance they get to change the topic or steer the discussion in a different direction than the issues that I’m trying to discuss they take it and I fall for it. I get emotionally torn apart and die inside and after some time I realise that nothing has really been discussed and I feel like shit. And it keeps repeating itself so I get discouraged even more and it’s even harder to touch upon anything relevant to me.

The second time was today (11.12). I came back to my friend’s flat after spending crazy amount of money on home appliances in Ikea. I went to a shop and bought ingredients for a cake and food to eat for the next few days. I bought a loaf of bread because I can’t control my goddamn self. And a bar of chocolate. Went back to the flat. Ate 5 pieces of bread with generous amount of butter and a cheese slice on each piece. Ate the whole bar of peanutbutter chocolate. May I add I was alterating: I ate 4 sandwiches, I ate a bar of chocolate, I ate 1 more sandwich. Plus I’ve drank half a cup of tea. So then I felt sick. There are a few types of sick in my world. There is drunk-sick, there is stretched stomach pressing on intestines-sick, there is stressed-sick, there is acidic food-sick and there is wheat-sick. We’re going with both wheat and stomach pressing on intestines sick this time.

I don’t really vomit involuntarily unless I’m really drunk and I haven’t been really drunk for at least 2 years I believe. It’s always a decision just as much as spending money is a decision, just as much as stuffing myself with food that makes me feel sick is a decision. So I’ve decided to make myself vomit. In a way it’s cathactic, in another it feels like my mental health is in a really bad state right now.

There is a point I want to make here. I feel like overating isn’t a purely physical act just as eating disorders are mental health disorders. For me overeating is a way of dealing with emotions. I externalise my emotions, put them into food. I then put the food in my self. In a way we always do that but we’re also animals that have to survive so eating and hunger are totally normal and natural. When we analyse something we put a point of focus where we see fit. So I put in my self. I chew it, swallow it, stomach it, it goes through my intestines. All the time my body is breaking this food apart into simpler substances and redistributing them throughout my body. Perhaps the emotions I put into food come back into my body with these simpler substances going straight into the cells. I put bread inside of me, a product that I don’t deal well with - a testimony of hatred. Bread gets broken apart, emotions get inside of me - I get fatter, my nose gets stuffed, I get atopic eczema. Vomitting is an act of desperation. It’s not as much about getting the food out of my system - it’s about getting rid of the discomfort I’m experiencing because of the food I put into myself. But this discomfort is an effect of my actions.

I’ve been feeling like a puddle of pure terrible for about a month now. No, for exactly a month. I’ve done something very stupid and hurtful to people I’ve felt sympathy for and to myself and I can’t get over it. I can’t get over many feelings from my past as well. They haunt me. It’s easier to vomit and for a split second feel like I - this bag of flesh - am not anything much more than a bag of flesh feeling all these sensations that you get when you throw up. But then your thinking and feeling kick in. I still feel like trash and I still haven’t dealt with those feelings that are inside. I’ve tried to push them out and eat them in a different way but in the end I couldn’t deal with them. I hope that I can teach myself how to be in control of my life to the point where I am able to deal with my feelings before I hurt myself or someone else. I want to do it step by step. Right now I’ll stick to avoiding wheat and eating more consciously. It’s the little things that make up the base of our existence. It’s the little things that will pull us apart rolling away if we lose control over them.

---

Laser hair removal update: had my third appointment on monday (10.11). Sometime after my first post the lymph nodes on my neck got infected and it hurt like a mofo. So for the second treatment we went with lower power. Not much inflammation afterwards but also not much effect. My beard is thinning out but not many bald patches so far. For this appointment we went up with power. Very painful especially down the middle of my face and neck (mustache, under the lips, chin, under the chin). A lot of inflammation after the treatment. Today is a little better, a lot of zits, I hope the hair strands will come out easily. Spraying myself with Octanisept and trying to avoid face-skin contact. Doesn’t hurt, feels slightly hot and I’m still puffy. 

[slapmeagain-blog]

COVID-19 Life

Well, finally getting to this.  It’s going to be rough and dirty, but worth documenting in some form.  (This is a draft, so be gentle).  I’m on it.

March 17, 2020

I think people just go to the supermarket or big box stores to shop out of boredom tinged with anxiety.  Now that we’ve all been advised to ‘social distance’ and ‘self-isolate,’ to stay at home, to not ride crowded subway cars, to bump elbows, stop touching our faces and wash our hands 20 times a day, it’s hard to feel like our lives are really ours.  Even though going out feels kind of like cheating, it also feels kind of like, well, taking back some control.  Afraid to go to bars (while they were still open), or the gyms (also closed), we long to engage in some activity that can legitimize just getting out our front doors.  And we buy things we think we may need, maybe, someday, if this ends in a month, or never goes away.  Last week week bought pasta, canned beans, canned peas - we never eat peas or anything out of cans if we can avoid it - tomato sauce, frozen ground beef - we’re vegan, so we got organic??  

Thank God we don’t need toilet paper: there hasn’t been any of that around for a couple of weeks.  Luckily, we already have a lot: we run a B&B and have auto re-order with Amazon.  It just kind of piles up by the case in the basement in Brooklyn.  Please don’t give anyone the address.  Same with tissues and paper towels.  Lots and lots.  Maybe in a few weeks we’ll be selling them in Washington Square Park, like dealers used to sell pot and crack back in the 80s.  And even if we run out, we have bidets!  Jealous?

Last week, Marco was worried about bleach. A minor preoccupation triggered by the housekeeper.  Now that the B&B is closed our need for bleach in negligible. No matter.  When we were Upstate, in Kingston, where parking and traffic aren’t an issue, we shop.  All the markets and big box stores in Ulster County were cleaned out of bleach, the same with hand-sanitizer.  So, utterly thwarted at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Target and Sam’s Club, we did what we usually do at 6 p.m., we went to the Kinsley Hotel and drank Manhattan’s at the bar.  Yeah, big no-no, but it’s like touching your face, it’s instinct, reflex.  There were only a few other people there, so it’s not like we would be exposed to it there.  But we definitely broke the social distancing rule, though at that point, two weeks ago, we weren’t as rigorous. At that point restaurants and bars, gyms were all still open.  Who knew?  Jurek, our ever smiling, handsome carpenter from Poland that comes to NY twice a year to work was with us.  He’d asked to come and make a stop at Home Depot.  He loves going to Home Depot; the same way I love going to book stores and the way Marco loves going to pharmacies. We all have our weaknesses. Jurek loves to eat steaks and burgers when he’s in NY.  So we always try to take him out before he heads back to home.  He gets anxious, doesn’t like to fly.  I can relate.  It was his upcoming flight that led to me worrying about vodka, and that we should stock up.  God forbid there’s a vodka shortage (at home we always drink martinis -- but have learned to never order a martini in a bar or from a bartender we don’t know.  Too many think that dirty is the default, put in too much vermouth, put it in a shaker, or the olive stock is off.  All spoilers.  We stopped and bought a gallon at the local wine box in the local strip mall after having dinner at the Kinsley.

The next day when we drove back to Brooklyn, it clicked in my head that they sell that kind of stuff at Staples - bleach, hand sanitizer - not talking about vodka now.  Maybe someone else hasn’t already thought of Staples?  Yes!  They still had 3 - 24 oz bottles of Purell on the shelf and half a dozen 8 oz bottles.  We bought all the big bottles and half the small bottles, leaving 3 small bottles - didn’t want to appear to be panic buying.  From there we drove to the local Lowe’s to look for bleach.  Wow.  They still had - a lot.  We bought 8 gallons.  It was a little like winning in Atlantic City - kind of a rush.  Not really sure why our housekeepers use so much bleach.  But to relieve some of our guilt for ‘over-buying’ we gave a gallon of bleach and a small bottle of hand-sanitizer to the housekeeper to take home, then hid the rest in the garage under a blanket.  And we keep saying we’ll make ragu and give it away to people so they won’t have to go shopping as often and expose themselves to other people.  Oh, and ribollita and lasagna! All restaurants are now closed - well, they can do takeout and delivery.  Our last restaurant meal at The Kinsley was worth it.

I haven’t mentioned latex gloves, you know that kind they sell at Costco in boxes of thousands of pairs that probably decompose before you can possibly use them all, like old rubber bands?  Anyway, we have lots, and we now wear them when we go out, feeling smug, slightly superior to all the unsanitary people who will probably get it because they didn’t have latex gloves at home like us.  Well, right now they may think we’re just paranoid dorks, but you just wait.  But then there is the problem of masks.  Well, honestly, other than dentists, who keeps face masks at home?  The only people I ever see wearing them are Asians.  When I see an Asian wearing one I think how polite they are.  When I see a rare European wearing one, I think they think I’m sick and I look right past them - don’t see you or your mask.  When I see some people wearing one, I have an impulse to touch my wallet as if they might be a bandit.  I’m a horrible person.  I know.  But there hasn’t been a mask on a shelf in over a month.  That’s the real issue, not my profiling.  We finally ordered some online and Amazon says we’ll get them six weeks from now.  Most of us could be dead by then.  What happened to two hours?  

All the King Arthur all purpose flour is gone.  We had to buy Italian 00, bagged in bulk at the local health food store.  6 bags.  Then we saw some bags of polenta - Now, I gave up polenta years ago, having read corn was not just nutrition-less, it is outright bad for you.  They used pictures of small Latin Americans as an example of what a heavy corn diet will do to you.  And France banned corn centuries ago except for feeding pigs when an entire village in Italy became addled because of their love affair with “granturco”.  But you second guess your own rational decision, “I may look back on this day and regret not buying that polenta when I had the chance!”  So you compromise and buy only 4 bags.  

18 March 2020

Back in Brooklyn, just temporarily I hope.  But just in case, we now have our store of nuts (rice, lentils, flour, beans, pasta, canned goods, and polenta) all in one place.  More importantly, it feels like the city of NY is getting reading to make us “home shelter,” which means we’d have to stay indoors.  We’re just hoping if that happens, we’ll have time to load the car and get out and head back upstate. I hope, too, the rest of the family will want to head up to Kingston as well. I’m kind of angry that I’m not still up there.  J has the right, and wanted to use the house, but Marco didn’t want to be around anyone else, so instead of letting J stay at the house with us, we decided to come back to Brooklyn and then go back up to Kingston 3 days after he leaves.  In the middle, again.  I would have stayed there with J, but understand Marco’s perspective -- he’s watching so closely the unfolding disaster in Italy, which is our own future if we don’t remain vigilant.  

19 March 2020

Am online trying to apply for a Small Business Administration disaster relief loan.  They ask to you enter your state and county and then click to see the list of disasters declared in your area.  There’s a big yellow and red box which cautions you, if you are applying for Coronavirus-19 relief, to apply only for a loan for ‘economic loss’.  I fill in all the question fields, click to see the eligible disasters in my state/county, and only one comes up -- an apartment fire in 2019 -- and am then instructed to choose my disaster from that list.  Coronavirus isn’t on it.  I don’t click, and hit ‘next’.  Error message: “you must select the relevant disaster from the list.”  Then, “If you close your browser, you will have to start a new application.” OK then.  Dead end.  

We Faced-timed with friends last night: my son and grand-kids, M and O, Susan and Jim.  Rachel called.  Emir stopped by briefly.  We stayed 6 feet away, trusting he is not leaving his own house (next door), staying in all day, practicing cello for his eventual audition with the NY Philharmonic.  Everyone is in good spirits.  We complain about the people who aren’t taking this seriously enough.  Wonder aloud at why people think they need so much toilet paper.   

 Marco made a couple of gallons or ragu last night.  Simmered 5 hours.  We’ll reheat and jar it and give it away to those who don’t know how to cook, who are just no good at it, or who just love Marco’s ragu.  For dinner, we ate some of the ribollita I made in Kington, then watched an episode of Sense8 on Netflix and went to bed after 11 p.m.

[thechasefiles]

TIA'S LITTLE PINKY TRAGEDY & EXPERIENCE AT THE Queen Elizabeth Hospital

PART ONE

"So yes we did make it across the border to Barbados 🇧🇧 but turned out I wasn’t ready after all! 😞 Within minutes of us reaching our villa and with all the kids being over excited running around the place Tia had the top of her baby finger slammed shut in one of the heavy wood internal villa bedroom doors! Tias finger tip from the base of her nail had came clean off with her nail (including the nail from under the skin) hanging to the side, from the under neath you could see the exposed bone! Immediately i panicked when I heard the screams, saw all the blood covering the floors and my baby girls hand with her missing finger!Her finger tip was picked off the floor and immediately put on ice.

After calling emergency services I was told they had no ambulances to come and collect Tia and that we had to make our own way to The Queen Elizabeth hospital (40 minutes away) Lucky the taxi driver that dropped us to the apartment was still outside when it happened and was able to take us to A&E. As I got to the hospital to check Tia at reception around 8pm (bajan time) one of the receptionist took the ice tray with Tia’s finger tip in then I watched her walk to the main entrance and literally threw the finger tip and the watered down ice on the pavement outside the front of A&E! Fuming I had to go outside to ask what the 🤬🤬🤬🤬 she thought she was doing and go and pick it back up myself! 😤😤

Once I managed to get Tia registered she was assessed, given some medicine and told she would need an X-ray, it took around 1 1/2 hours to have the X-ray and then had to wait another 2 hours for someone to come and physically look at her hand! Just before 2am on Tuesday 16th Tia was seen by a doctor (still in accident and emergency department).The doctor asked the nurse present at the time if the finger tip had been placed in a preservative solution, I told him it has been on ice from the moment I entered A&E but at no point has anyone taken the finger tip to attempt to preserve it! On 2 different occasions while waiting to be seen ice was requested to keep the tip preserved to the best of my ability and it took over half an hour plus having to duplicate requests before anyone brought any ice! At this point the doctor had advised me WITHOUT ACTUALLY LOOKING AT HER FINGER TIP that because of the length of time (we had been waiting) it wouldn’t of been possible to re-attach it! 6 hours we waited with Tia’s hand and exposed bone to her little finger placed on only a wet towel, open to infection and contestant bleeding!

The clothes both me and Tia wore were soaked from the wet towel, the air conditioning left her shaking, I asked for something to keep her warm and was given a thin sheet to cover us both. Tia was finally given a bed on a ward, her left hand was lightly wrapped to keep the finger covered until she went down! I was advised that she would have an operation, they would nibble down a small piece of the exposed bone and then pull the skin over to seal the wound. I was advised that Tia was due to go down for surgery at 6am that morning, she had been stared (prioritised) and would be seen following any emergencies (if a 5 year olds amputated finger with exposed bone and bleeding isn’t classed as an emergency I have no idea what is)

Around 8am Tuesday 16th I was approached by a lady with a card reader from accounts , she advised me that I was required to pay $2900 bajan dollars for my Tia to have her operation and this amount did not necessarily include any follow up treatment. I advised the lady that I had shown my travel insurance documents when I arrived at a&e while registering Tia! I was told that’s just the way the Queen Elizabeth hospital works,I (on behalf of the patient) must pay the amount in full for them to proceed with my daughters medical treatment! I explained that I did not have this money personally and felt it necessary to discuss this matter with my travel insurance after all that is exactly what it’s for! It took constant phone calls to and from my insurance company trying to get the required bill payed in order for them to proceed with my Tia’s opp! Finally the hospital had agreed to accept a payment option! And the hospital do not give you copies of any documentation that you sign not will they allow you to take photos!

Tia had not eaten food for nearly 42 hours due to the time difference following our flights and the time difference between the uk and Barbados and taking into consideration Tia last ate Sunday evening, although she was offered food on the plane she didn’t really touch it! The following morning a doctor came to see us at 11am to advise that Tia would soon be operated on soon! She told me she was sorry Tia hadn’t been fed as she gave instructions to the nurses to allow her to eat the night before! The doctor allowed Tia to have a few sips of some sprite to get her blood sugar levels up! At around 15.30pm Tia was prep’ed and taken down for her opp of which I was told that could take about 1-2 hours. Tia was in the operation room for less than 30 minutes before I was allowed to wait for her to come to in recovery.

INSTANTLY I SAW that they had taken down more of the finger tip than anyone had even discussed! 2 doctors stood over Tia to tell me the surgery went good, once she came to and had the medicine she was allowed back on the ward and very soon be able to finally eat something! When we returned up to the ward, Tia was sick, she threw up the medication she had just taken. She continued to have sips of sprite for the next hour or so! It got to around 18.30pm and the staff were just handing out the children on the ward their food! Tia didn’t get any! I asked the nurse at reception if my daughter was allowed to eat she tell me NO & that’s she would not be able to eat until the following Morning! I questioned the nurse as I had already been told twice that my daughter could eat after her operation and from since she came up and up until that time she was not even on a drip to keep her hydrated & yet she was still expected to wait until the following morning!

I HAVE TO EXIT THE BUILDING. When I made my way back to the ward and bumped into one of the doctors of whom carried out Tia’s surgery, he once again confirmed that YES TIA CAN EAT!!! I asked the doctor to assort me back to the ward and correct the nurse but instead said he would call ahead for me! When I returned to Tia & my cousin, surprisingly Tia had already been put back on the drip! As I began to tell my cousin what I had discovered online the nurse in question leant over my daughters bed with a frown on her face and a stern voice... ‘I tell you dat you daughter can’t eat until de morning an you went an find de doctor, wanna is stupid’ Instantly I reacted and with a bajan accent told the nurse No I ain’t stupid, an continued to tell her about herself! I told her i felt she was rude and incompetent of doing the job in which she is being paid for, she was inconsiderate for approaching me in front of my 5 year old daughter lying on her hospital bed and that she was in fact the stupid one and that I as the parent of my child regardless have every right to question everything relating to her treatment while in the hospitals care especially after her operation was delayed until payment had been received! She then told me that if I wanted to feed my child to do it as it will be my problem if she’s sick, so I reminded her that in fact in would be her problem as she is the one that would have to clean it up! I was not impressed, all Tia wanted to do was eat and cried as she said her belly was hurting because she was hungry! I then told Tia to sit up in the bed and started slowly feeding my daughter crackers, going against the nurses judgement! Within the hour Tia had demolished a whole pack of crackers, a bunch of grapes, a pack of plantin crisps and she drank a whole bottle sprite without being sick!?! When the nurse later returned to give Tia her antibiotics she asked if Tia had eaten so I told her and then said that I wanted to take my daughter home tomorrow and wished to see a doctor first thing as I didn’t feel that any of them had Tia’s interest at heart! The following morning on Wednesday 17th July Tia was allowed to leave, having to return in 2 days to have her checked and the dressing changed.

We returned to the hospital on Friday 19th July as planned, straight away I was told to go to accounts and was required to pay $85 bajan dollars before my daughter would be seen! The bill was settled and my daughter was seen by a doctor! At the appointment they removed Tia’s bandages and the site of her finger was exposed 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬I HAVE NEVER (NOT EVEN IN THE HORROR MOVIES) SEEN SOMEONE HAVE THEIR FINGER LEFG LOOKING SO! I am so disgusted with the outcome of my daughters surgery! It was hard enough having to except the fact that due to such a poor health system no one even attempted to look at the possibility of her finger tip being reattached! Then to see that no only had they removed more of her finger tip it looks like a patch work quilt where someone has physically sown a mini clenched fist on the end of her finger 😳😡😡I am devastated that someone would allow a 5 year old child or any person at all walk out of the operation with their finger looking like that!

While waiting for a second doctor Tia asked me why her finger hasn’t been fixed? Why the didn’t put back on her finger nail and even more heart breaking asked why her finger has (in her eyes) teeth 😞 In front of Tia the second doctor began to talk... Ok so the finger tip doesn’t look like what we would of liked, it has what we call ears flaps and it may need another operation to re-construct her finger when you return to he uk! Even after it costing $2900 Tia will at a later date have to have the finger or should I say half a finger re/operated on! In the meantime time they said Tia would have to come back for another redressing and check up on Monday 22nd July. Absolutely fuming we left the hospital. I felt sick all day, not being able to sleep I contacted a few private hospitals, that night I had managed to make an appointment at a private clinic for Tia to be re-assessed the following morning, so I could have a second opinion.

We attended the appointment on Saturday 20th July, the site of the inside of the hospital as a breath of fresh air and I was so pleased with the way Tia was treated & sadly advised that the finger seemed to be healing and she would have to wait to re-constructed it if it is even possible with out removing even more of her finger to do so! Honestly if they said anything could of possibly been done I would of had my insurance company cut our visit short and return to England. We then attended-the appointment on Monday for her dressing to be changed. On Wednesday she is due to have the poorly done stitches removed I’m not looking forward to it at all 😞 But despite loosing most of her baby finger it hasn’t phased Tia’s spirit at all ❤️❤️🙏🏽

Tia has been incredibly brave, walking around wearing nothing but the biggest smile and she has done absolutely amazingly well at not letting her finger stop her from having fun and enjoying herself! So much so she has made my heart miss several beats! It’s been a week from since the incident and it’s haunted me every second since. I plan to come home and do anything in my power to have my baby girls finger corrected. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE warn friends and family in the tragic event of an emergency DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR THE QUEEN ELIZABETH HOSPITAL Bridgetown Barbados! Unless you want to be butchered and mistreated! Word is they get paid to remove limbs🤔 And don’t ever think you don’t need to purchase travel insurance because you have no idea the effects it could have on your health and delayed treatment overseas everything is all about money! I sincerely apologise to everyone I haven’t responded to or touched base with from since I landed in Barbados but I have been here silently loosing my mind!" Source: https://www.facebook.com/danielle.philpotts/posts/2386896291552375

PART TWO "So yesterday morning as planned Tia had an appointment at John Radcliffe to see a specialist hand surgeon! Tia’s appointment was booked for 12pm yesterday and can you believe by 2pm she has had 5 different doctors come to see her already! It has been confirmed that Tia’s finger is infected and has started to show a build up of puss surrounding the not so disposable stitches (still imbedded in her skin). The doctor came and physically squeezed the end of her finger 🤢🤢 Tia was put on a drip of strong antibiotics starting when we arrived, she has been tested and will have to be again as she had surgery abroad (so the NHS have a safe guard procedure in place to ensure the safety of others in the tragic event Tia is found to be a carrier of any sort) Tia has been quarantined in her very own side room and has a toilet labelled outside her room only for her use! At present we are still waiting for those results but in the meantime the antibiotics are in place to reduce all risks!

Once the results are back Tia has already been prepared for surgery, so hopefully this Morning/ afternoon she will be taken down for her 2nd operation! We are waiting to see the doctor now! Tia was allowed to eat and drink up until 2am in the morning & she had a 24hour catering service that will bring her anything off the menu (we both laughed at that, they don’t know how much Tia likes her food) 😩🙌🏽😜😂

Last night was out 1st night at the luxury (compared to Queen Elizabeth hospital in Barbados) John Radcliffe hospital! I’ve been shown around the ward, offered drinks/ food, blankets! Shown where the shower and extra large bath tub is, every member of staff has so far been amazingly helpful and friendly! Tia has even been sat at her bed painting and making bead bracelets playing in their iPad 😍😍

I have to say that I am overly thankful for the NHS service and how quickly/ well they have treated my princess so far! This afternoon Tia will be taken down for surgery! It has been confirmed the finger tip is infected and at present they are unsure if the infection has got into the bone! Today’s operation is to remove all infection & take swaps of the infection, this means Tia’s finger will be reopened up to access damaged/ infected area, there’s a possibility that they may have to remove more of Tia’s pinky finger bone due to possible infection!

On the other hand I am fuming 😤😤😤that it has had to get this far & my daughter is still smiling but in pain, after having one operation in Barbados costing $2900 bajan dollars not including the $85 bajan dollars payable for every appointment she had for redressing and check ups (a total of 5) plus the expenses for her to be seen by the private medical centre sandy crest in Barbados (for a 2nd opinion) not including the costs of taxis/ petrol to and from all her appointments!

Despite all of this my daughter still has had to return to the UK with an infected finger and will have no choice but to have at least 1 more operation dependant on the our come of today! I want every penny refunded, I want my daughter to be compensated for the negligence and lack of care from the moment we got to A&E at Queen Elizabeth hospital in Barbados! When they threw away her finger tip in A&E with no attempt to preserve it at all 🤬🤬🤬😤 My daughters 1st ever holiday abroad to see family and we spent most of the 2 weeks in Queen Elizabeth hospital, my boys and the rest of the family were all affected from the start of our holiday. We had planned and started paying our holiday at the beginning of the year, we all struggled each month and we have all been so so excited to of finally been in a position to actually go BARBADOS as a family, it wasn’t easy at all! I had so much planned!

Now after sitting watching my baby girl sleep in hospital waiting for her 2nd opp I breaking down! If I ever see any of the doctors, nurses or the security guard who threw my daughters finger tip to the pavement they are going to wish they were UK citizens & had access to the NHS 🤬🤬🤬 I don’t know how or who I need to talk to but I need to take legall action against them all for the negligence and trauma my daughter and everyone around her has been put through! I also want to take legal action against the landlord of the property in which we stayed of where the bedroom door claimed my daughters finger tip!

The property was rented through a company called HomeAway.com the site itself had no flaws but the property in which we paid to rent out was listed as A CHILD FRIENDLY PROPERTY I beg to differ! Not only is each and every door in the property dangerous (it’s located near the sea front so there is plenty of wind causing doors to shut heavily behind you with windows open) The beautiful pool and jacuzzi are surrounded by very large and dangerously sharp cactus 🌵 plants in pots, 3 of the children including myself have been left with scars after drawing blood from just brushing past them (due to where they were positioned) Then the property walls have been decorated with a rough finish, they feel like rough sand paper!

Tia herself also had her elbow grazed from walking past the wall of which I’d only just healing! Following the accident at our villa Little bay house, i asked the landlord for an incident report of some kind, as the house keeper witnessed the event herself as she was still in the middle of talking me through the property details!

Neither the landlord or house keeper have never heard anything of the sort so I doubt I will have anything forwarded to me as requested! I am praying that this operation is the final one Tia will need to start a speedy recovery! I have already spoke with someone to provide her with Councilling of some sort and I know I need to see someone myself also before I do something silly! Lord please help me keep my shit together and watch over my baby girl today when I can’t be by her side and ensure that she is safe, free from infection and has a speedy recovery while keeping her high, fighting, never willing to give up and bubbly spirit! She’s due down for her operation by 2pm this afternoon 🙏🏽💖💫🙏🏽"

SOURCE: https://www.facebook.com/danielle.philpotts/posts/2393163020925702

[annieintheaair]

Goodbye to Goodbye

I feel like I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been having a really crappy few weeks. After I wrote on Saturday, I called it an early night. I slept for 13 hours. When I opened my eyes, I felt all stuffy and wanted to crawl back under my covers and go back to sleep for many more hours. Instead, I had texts from Rachel and Judith asking me about brunch so I felt like I needed to suck it up and get out of my apartment and go.

We had a great breakfast at one of my favorite spots and split two mimosa carafes. We didn’t realize but each carafe had an entire bottle of champagne so after brunch, I walked over to Starbucks next door and decided to get some work done instead of driving home right then and there. Plus, I felt like I really couldn’t go home. I needed to stay out of my apartment.

I worked until I couldn’t work anymore and decided I needed a break. I drove over to my new house (25 days from now, by the way!) and sat on my future bedroom floor and talked to my mom on the phone. I thought about my excitement for moving in and tried to cheer myself up just by being there, thinking about the future. When I knew I needed to head back home to my apartment, I felt a little sad.

I stopped at Target before I ventured home and couldn’t find the greeting cards again. I was frustrated by the crowds and decided I needed a cold beverage for my ride home. Something was wrong with the register so all I could get from Starbucks was a free cup of water.

On the way home, I don’t know what the deal was, but the traffic was so backed up that I literally sat on the tollway, not moving, for a good hour. I listened to Chrismas music and sang along. Of course, by the time I got home, I was even more frustrated because I still had work to finish and just wanted to call it an early night.

At home, I forgot about dinner. I thought I’d take a shower, put on my pajamas, and then finish my work for the night before going to bed. There was this ridiculous moth, which I thought was dead at first, just sitting on my bathroom vanity. I spent a good ten minutes trying to catch the darn thing and finally succeeded but managed to accidentally loosen the toilet cover screws.

When I finally got into bed around 9pm, I ended up laying there until around 11:30pm. There were people running up and down the halls and the stairs and my whole apartment just shook. It was loud and annoying and in my head, I just thought about the few remaining weeks being stuck in that apartment. Somewhere between 5 to 10 nights left there. If I even got 4 hours of sleep last night, that might even be stretching it.

I don’t usually drink coffee at home but today I did. I drank it slowly while I got ready for work. At the airport, I just missed the bus, as usual. I decided to stop at Caribou for a latte and a bagel and then was kind of running late getting to the gate for my flight. No matter how much coffee I drank, I still didn’t feel any better.

I tried to be the cheeriest reindeer that I could possibly be but I still felt like something was dragging me down. While people smiled at me and laughed at my light-up antlers, I still managed to feel like the weight of the world was just pushing me down. The #3 flight attendant managed to get on my nerves right off the bat and the #2, who should have stayed in her galley, kept coming up and bothering me. I honestly just wanted to be left alone.

On our flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles, I tried my best to be social. A couple on my flight recognized and remembered me from previous flights and we got to talking about all sorts of things and I felt a little better. Whenever I had to deal with the other flight attendants, I just felt irritated by them. A passenger from main cabin even tried to start an argument with me because of security issues that she just didn’t seem to understand.

Upon arrival in Los Angeles, I had these great intentions of walking to the beach and getting food and enjoying the sunset. This is honestly the first time in my whole life when I’ve been near a beach and haven’t gone to walk by it but the sun just set too fast and I ended up wanting to stay in my room instead.

I ordered Lucille’s from Uber Eats and they totally screwed up my order. Part of why I ordered was because I wanted their awesome bread with apple butter but they forgot that. They also forgot to include the BBQ sauce for my pulled pork sandwich and didn’t even give me any utensils. Instead, I ate the mac & cheese like I was a dog and I dipped pieces of my salad into the cup of dressing. I didn’t bother with the pulled pork.

I tried to get more of my work done but couldn’t focus so instead, I took a shower and put on my pajamas so I could then crawl into bed. After my shower, I noticed that conditioner had exploded all over one of my bags in my suitcase so I had to clean up that giant mess. What did I say? it has been a rough few weeks.

All of these things that have been happening, on their own, aren’t a huge deal but when you stack them, it sucks. I had high hopes for today when I woke up and saw that I had a good 20+ new matches on Bumble and thought, “ok, I can do this.” I guess in those first moments of waking up I forgot how much I actually hate dating.

I recognize that I have been incredibly short with people lately. I have been stressed out and hard to deal with at times. I get upset and angry and say mean things that I know I shouldn’t say and like any normal person, regret them later. However, I don’t regret and won’t apologize for being upset or feeling hurt. I’ll gladly own my mistakes whenever necessary but I’m still a person with feelings who doesn’t like to feel rejected.

Despite what some people may think, I know I have a good heart. I’m caring and I mean well most of the time. I go out of my way for people and I usually try to cheer people up when they’re down, even if I’m feeling down myself.

If you’ve ever read about love languages before, it will make a lot of sense when I say that my love language is quality time. Nothing means more to me than someone wanting to spend time with me. I hate being ignored or neglected. I love spending time with people that I actually like to be around, which is why I was so completely crushed this weekend. It’s like a dagger to my heart when I feel like someone doesn’t want to spend time with me.

I’ve recognized all of this within myself, whether with family, friends or even in relationships. On Instagram recently, I saw a post that said, “Anyone else wanna waste my time in 2017? You have 32 days left.” Obviously, it’s less than that at this point but I felt like I could totally relate to that post. I feel like people just love to waste my time and rip my heart out. I’m tired of putting myself out there and hoping that someone will care enough not to hurt me.

It doesn’t matter how many matches you have on Bumble when you wake up in the morning. It doesn’t matter if you put your heart on the line five million times. All that really matters is that someday there’s that one match that makes it all worthwhile. Whenever I’m feeling like this, no one says it better than Eli Young Band:

Baby, you’ve had your share of love that went nowhere

It starts out honest then ends in broken promises

Your last broken heart was your last broken heart, baby

Say goodbye to goodbye

xoxo

Annie

[eyehatejames-blog1]

If you are going to follow my blog about my recovery, my sponsor urged that we talked about ourselves so we have more of an understanding of each other. So allow me to explain my position to you. I was born June 9th, 1992 in South Side Bethlehem PA, at St. Luke's hospital. My father died in a car crash before I was born, he died of alcohol and drug related issues while driving. My mother? Did not have the best of upbringing, she suffers from bipolar and manic depression like I do. I remember seeing her from a young age taking lithium and Prozac to help counter act her problems, but in the long run it just made them all worse. When my father died, my mother dated a man who was also an addict, he was abusive to my mother and myself. I remember watching him hit my mother, push her down stairs, rape my mother and so forth. When I was about four years old he sexually molested me for quiet a while, I didn't tell anyone this until later. When I was about 5-6 years old, my mother tried to take her life. I was the one who found her dying in her bed, she swallowed all her prescription drugs. She was taken away for awhile and I was stuck with the man who was molesting me. She eventually came back and she left him and she got government assistance and got her own place. She dated many many men, most of which where abusive to the both of us and also addicts. Around the age of 8-9 my mother decided to date my uncle and she uprooted us and moved us to Florida. Jacksonville Florida back in 1998 was absolutely the asshole of America. It was hot, humid, muggy. Everything I hate about weather. My uncle was not a nice man, especially to me. He would bite me and hit me, he wouldn't feed me for days. Once I gagged on some cabbage and noodles and he wouldn't allow me to leave the table unless I ate my own vomit. He threw me in a mount of fire ants, he ripped a fishing hook out of my body, I was just a play thing to inflict pain on. While living in Jacksonville we lived in a trailer with one of my uncles friends, we didn't know at that time he was a registered sex offender. He liked children. He never touched me, but he was extremely creepy. My grandmother get lung cancer and my mother decided to move us back up to Pennsylvania. We got on a bus and moved back. We had none of our stuff, so she had to go back down with the same uncle to get some things. On the way back, they got into an argument and he left her in another state, she had to hitch hike back. I was without my mother for about 6 months at one of her friends houses in Bath PA. Needless to say I haven't had a very good childhood up to this point. I was maybe 7-9 years old. Maybe younger. My perception of time is horrible. When she finally came back to get me, we moved into my aunts house. She was wealthy, my mother and I had nothing and she used that against us. At first she was humble, dinners, toys, adventures. My life seemed to be getting better. At that point in time I felt like I belonged. A few months go by and things started to get weird, we didn't do much, my cousin became very protective of his stuff, he wouldn't share. I was the problem child and they made sure I knew it. My mother would have to buy our own food, we could take two showers a week, things like that. This is about the time I realized that I was different, if my own family didn't like me, when who would you know? I felt like a burden. Around that time I was in middle school, I started to become antisocial because I thought I didn't fit in, I didn't know how to handle conversations, I liked things other people didn't. I just didn't know how to be social. This was relevant most of my schooling career. Around half way through middle school my mother and I moved into a town called Schwenksville near King of Prussia incase anyone is interested. This is the town I had my first kiss in, my first girlfriend, my first fight, my first substance abuse problem. Towards the end of middle school 8th grade or so I gained so much weight from not doing much of anything due to my social issues. I'd go home and just eat food. Of course kids would make fun of me, call me names and pick on every little thing. I was the butt of ever joke there was. My best friend made fun of me for years, my peers would make hints about my weight and my well being, I was 14-15 years old and weighed 256 pounds. Around the time of 10th grade I met my new best friend named Andrew, he was passed out from perks on a park bench, I helped him home and that's where my first addiction came into play. He gave me drugs for almost four years. You name it I tried it. Vicodin, perks, ambien, adderall, whatever it was I didn't care. I swallowed it. In the next few months I went from 255 down to 156 pounds. I gained confidence, girlfriends, I even heard I had the best body in the school. Why the hell would I not continue to take them? I developed a terrible Xanax addiction, along with taking adderall constantly through out the day. I met my first true love while fucked up pills, during a fireworks show so it was really ironic. Love at first sight you know? She left my best friend for me about two weeks later, we dated for a bit, then broke it off and on for about 2 years and then I finally left her. I stoped taking drugs and claimed edge. I found another girl who caught my eyes and dated her for a few years until I graduated high school. As soon as I graduated my mother got married and moved us away. I never got the chance to go to school I never got the chance to see my friends graduate. I moved somewhere where I knew no one. Which is terrible for someone who alienates themselves. I left the girl I dated after my first love for another girl who was even better looking, do you see the pattern? We dated for about 8 months, I bought my first car, I had a good paying job. I had a lot of good things. She eventually left me and that started a downfall of emotional distress in my life. I called out to my first love, convinced her to give me another chance. We dated for probably until I was 22. We got engaged when I was 21, we moved in together at the age of 22 I believe. My alcoholism started when she left me the first time. I loved her you know? I went to the state store and bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. My brothers egged me on to take my first shot, I took it without any problem. Liquor always went down smoother when I was upset. I drank the entire bottle. That's the beginning of my drinking problem. I woke up in the bathtub puking more times than I can count, I've woken up outside in the yard when I started drinking in my room upstairs. I cut and scared my body. I shit on my mothers dead dogs grave. Worst of all out of all the pain and suffering that it caused me in the short time I lived with my mother in Glenmoore, it broke my morals. Something I said I would never do. Something I took a stand against when I claimed edge, took a hold of me and I wouldn't let it go. My ex fiancé, got back with me despite the drinking problem, despite my suicide attempts, despite the self harm scars, despite it all. We got engaged, and we moved in together. There was never a moment when I didn't have a drink in my hand, woke up went to work came home and drank for 8 hours. There was not a time I did not drink, in king of Prussia it led to broken glasses, cuts and terrible bruises (most of which I don't remember getting), lies and cheating. I cheated on my ex fiancé, I did that. Am I proud of it? No I'm not. Did alcohol make me do it? No it did not. I did it because I truly wasn't happy. I did it twice with the same person, both times black out drunk, I woke up with her in top of me. I did other things too, texts and pictures. At the time I thought it was justified, probably due to my foggy brain. I can't justify my actions or offer any excuse. I thought I loved that girl, someone I cut myself because of, picked up my first drink because of. I cheated on her. I did that. It's still hard for me to come to terms with it. She sooner or later found out and kicked me out, it was nasty and disastrous. I moved back in with my mother for about four weeks, then she hauled me off to Bethlehem. I lived with my god father, for about four years. He also suffers from alcoholism. He enabled me for quiet some time. Buying me liquor when I was jobless, taking me to private bars, just generally letting me run wild in the streets. I've done so many things I never thought I'd do while living here in Bethlehem. So many bridges have been burnt, I'm an excellent swimmer. I've attempted suicide a few times, in the room I'm currently laying in now. The first time I blew a .42 I basically should have died from that they said. The second, I was drunk but not drunk enough, the third I finally caved in and took the medication. I stoped soon after and picked up again. There is a little more of my life that I could explain to you, but as to where I am now I'm not to sure how that is going to turn out so I'll leave the story there. When I became powerless over my addiction to alcohol, I did not stop until I was willing to ruin everything. I let my addiction control me and my actions. It's ruined me in ways I can not fathom. It's taken so much from me and given me so little. I used so many excuses to drink, but I always chose to drink.