#it's not a cold or covid or anything i've just overworked and it's made me exhausted and pain. so.

[equalseleventhirds]

have been both wildly busy and sort of unwell recently, so like, not on tumblr much. but. around.

[haretic]

Present Day; 26/06/24 | Present Time; 11:45pm ... but whose counting, anyways?

My Plague Week

I had a prom on Saturday, the second one I've ever went to and the last for this year. I spent near the entire time crying in the bathroom. I'm not sure why it all caught up to me then, I wasn't even particularly overwhelmed, but I just couldn't stop crying. I cried and cried and cried. In the bathroom and at our dinner table. I felt like a terrible date to my friend who I had gone with.

To try and get me out of my skin, I downed a cup of dark roast coffee and went to go dance. It was alright, but I was overwhelmed, and crying, and dizzy. Eventually I left. My dad picked me up an hour early, I had been texting him and my mom all night how stressed I was, and how much I missed them. I felt like an even worse friend, and I cried the whole way home. I cried when I got home, I cried while I went to bed, and I'm sure I cried the next morning.

I felt fine, aside from being sore. Assuming this was just my overworked, tired, achy body, I took it easy all day. Watched Paddington, finished The Big Lebowski with my dad. Towards the evening I started getting a terrible headache. Honestly though, I wouldn't even call it that. It was more of a disorientation? Like every time I moved my head the room would spin and I'd get an achy pressure all across my face and feel faint. My dad wanted to go driving that night to practice my parking despite my protests, him and my mom said it would be good to learn how to drive when I wasn't feeling the best so that I would be able to when I got my license. They were right, so I went anyways. It was mostly okay, but I quickly started feeling worse and worse and worse. Eventually I just asked to go home, and when my dad gave me the OK, I drove us back. I can't quite remember the rest of my evening. I felt like a bad daughter. We hadn't really been hanging out recently, and then I made him pick me up after my dance

The next day I woke up with a scratchy, sore throat. I don't remember much else about the day, but I started feeling worse and worse. My sinuses were insanely clogged, I was having full body shakes, I was feverish, and so so sore. I decided to take a really hot bath to try and beat the fever out, thinking maybe I had just gotten run down and let a small bug get to me. I called my friend I went to prom with to make sure I wouldn't pass out in the hot both, but after a while it just wasn't helping. I was still squirming and sore and uncomfortable, even if the bath helped my joints. I went to bed and had a terrible sleep. I just could not get comfortable no matter what.

The next morning, I was up at 5am. I just could not go down for bed. I finally took a Covid test. The first was invalid, and the next positive. I took some medicine which helped the shakiness and sinus pressure and pain and I finally went to bed. I woke up in a massive puddle of my own sweat, I had started running an insane temperature, but I went back to sleep and slept it off for the most part. After my nap I took a shower, and then went and laid down again. The rest of the day I spent unable to sleep or actively drifting in and out of consciousness for hours, switching between too hot to too cold. I don't remember most of that day. I spent it delirious and sleeping.

I finally slept okay-ish last night, and I woke up today feeling much better. There was little to no sinus pressure, but I could barely hear out of my left ear. I was now coughing, but the fever and aches had subsided for the most part. Despite feeling better I just couldn't pull myself out of bed. I spent almost all of it rotting. Come late evening (say, an hour ago?) I did do some cleaning, putting away a load of washing and doing a general tidy of my room as well as cleaning up all my dirty tissues, but I felt mostly useless all day. I was feeling better but I just didn't have the energy to do anything, so I relapsed. I wasn't even particularly emotional about any sort of situation, I was just bored and it gave me something to do and think about for the next few hours and days. I finished tidying what I wanted of my room and changed my pajama pants and got back into bed. Now I'm thinking of sleeping. I'm tired of today. I want it to be tomorrow so I can feel even more better and actually get something done.

In reference to the relapse, I guess it was a build up of a few weeks. I'd been telling myself for weeks to "just get past prom season, then you can do whatever". It's been on my to-do list for ages. My last prom was Saturday. I think putting away my washing made me go through my list of chores and I eventually subconsciously got to the total accrued cuts I wanted to self inflict. I only did seven, which I suppose is my lucky number, and a star shape, leaving tons to be done in the future to make up for time lost. It didn't even really hurt, and I didn't particularly care, it was just another thing to do to get done the same way cleaning my room was, and I was trying my hardest to procrastinate on cleaning my room while still being at least a little productive. I just feel bored, near constantly. Bored with everything in my life, but at least I had a momentary distraction from how much of a loser I've been the past week.

I've been making loose plans with a guy I kind of have a thing for for when I'm better, but I'm just not sure he's into me. I'm not sure if I'm that into him, I know I've been attracted to him for a while, even used the word 'crush' weeks ago, and we've been talking a while, but I'm worried my feelings are just those of desperation. Or that I'm so bored by being cooped up in my room so much that I'm reading too much into every little text. I hope we do get to hang out soon though, even if he's not into me, he's a really nice dude, and I'd love to get to know him better. He's a mutual friend of me and the friend I went to prom to, so I'm sure if I wanted to learn more about him I could, but I don't want to make my 'feelings' too known before I even know if they're feelings or not. I don't think I'd deserve him, even if he was interested in me. I find myself so boring compared to him. And compared to plenty of people. Everyone around me seems to lead much more interesting lives, and I don't. Their summers all seem so fun so far. All I do is lay in bed and doomscroll. I don't do anything meaningful with my life but relapsing is one thing I can control, and one thing I can do. Getting bad again feels better to me than being 'boring'. Regardless, and as that was incredibly off topic, I've been trying to text him less. I don't want him to think I'm clingy or force him to be around me if he has things he'd rather be doing. We texted a lot while I was super sick and he showed me a lot of support, but I think he was just being a good friend, and I feel like a bad one for making him help me, so I was trying to distance myself just a little. That backfired in my face. I crave conversation with him so often, sometimes I open my phone and click onto our messages, and I desperately want to text him and get him to respond, but I don't want to be annoying. He has a life, and I'm not that big a part in it, and that is okay with me, but I want to take up more space. Hes such a genuinely kind person, and exactly someone I want in my life, romantic or otherwise. Hopefully soon I'll take up more space in his life and him in mine! And hopefully my feelings are genuine. I really pray they are. If I had to trust anyone with my heart, I'd trust him. I just hope he lets me.

Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure, and hopefully I'll feel much healthier. Maybe the day after that I'll be able to leave the house. Heres to hoping my plague week will end before it reaches a week or I might go crazy.