#it's movie primarily focusing on a rape survivor

[shesalittlelost]

I love me a good heroine/villain ship and while I do not see that in Nosferatu, like at all I'm fine with people who did and seem to have a different interpretation of what Orlok represents in the story. What does piss me off, however, is people not only denying the existence of grooming and rape but vehemently pushing back against it if anyone even dares to mention it which is fucking insane because the movie is pretty unsubtle about that. Like I'm fucking sorry but Orlok being a pedophilic rapist and groomer isn't up for interpretation. It quite literally is what happens! Stating that fact is not a personal slight or an attack against you. If you want to engage with the movie only through a shipping lens then alright but like you should be at least aware of the main point of the movie instead of shutting down anyone who is.

[fyrapartnersearch]

Send Help: Addicted to Roleplay and Chipotle

Greetings from Earth! First time poster to this blog and stoked to meet some new partners. My name is Chris and I'm a male nurse (Yo, you're going to get some medically accurate roleplay) in his late twenties. I have a lovely wife and two stupidly handsome animals (Pictures of the animals available on request) but manage to maintain a pretty active roleplay life due to the fact that I work nights. The Basics: I tell everyone that I'm a professional. I try to reply 1-3 times a week and the length of posts depends on amount of characters in play. If I'm going to take longer, I always try to let you know. I'm willing to write male and female characters and focus on M/F as the male and F/F. M/M just isn't my thing, sorry y'all. My limits include pedophilia, rape, and animal abuse. Anything else can be discussed. I prefer e-mail for writing (Chrisx104@gmail.com) but have Discord for plotting (NurseBatman#3674). If we get along really well, you can convince me into discord roleplay. The text limit just drives me nuts. I do use faceclaims pretty aggressively. Is there anything else? Central time zone?

Onto the roleplay stuff. I'll start with originals and then dive into fandoms. I put extra *s by the lines that I will literally lose my mind if you approach me about. Searching hard! -The Social Media Age****** A m/f line that I've given a little thought to, looking for someone to write a young woman that is pretty much making her living being an instagram model/fitness person, etc. I think the proper term is *Influencer*. Meets and starts dating a successful guy with no presence online, the two falling for each other but at odds over their differing attitudes towards the world. -This American Life Something set in the 1970s, focusing on a roadtrip. A group of teenagers leave their small town behind to head out west. I love this time period. Can be supernatural, supernatural lite (think Twin Peaks weirdness) or totally natural. -Stranger Things inspired A group of four to six friends enjoy their last summer together in a remote town as strangeness begins to unfurl. I'd be willing to set this in the present but think it would be way more fun in the 70s or 80s. I have an idea for one of the kids having lost a sibling in a strange way when they were young and possibly some sort of cult in town.

Fandoms!

-Star Wars**

I know Reylo is all the rage these days, as is Qi'Ra/Han. But, man ALIVE, I really want something focusing on the core four: Luke, Leia, Han, and, ya boy, Chewie. Something taking place in that three year gap between New Hope and Empire as they work among the rebellion. Strange new worlds, getting into scrapes, sharply running from the empire, avoiding Vader, bounty hunters, and all sorts of things. This time period is far from explored and we can really thrive in the galaxy. Primarily I want to focus on the budding relationship between Han and Leia and Luke's training, pre-Yoda. In a perfect world, I'd want to write Han and Chewie (If anyone thinks Chewie is just a NPC, get out my face) while my partner takes on Leia and Luke. I'd be willing to switch out Chewie for Luke if need be, I guess? We could also split up C3PO and R2. I also would enjoy writing a young Amilyn Holdo and a few other soldiers. Let's real build out the resistance and delve into the 'WARS' part of those big yellow letters that never get enough attention. On top of all of that, I also have an original love interest in mind for Luke if someone else plays him! She's a spitfire. Alternatively, I'd be down for writing something set in the clone wars. Perhaps two jedi that broke the order's relationship laws and then survived Order 66 together? -Preacher Seriously. Love this show, love this comic. Would happily write Jesse or Cassidy against Tulip. Just definitely looking for a Tulip -The Boys Would love to write Hughie against Starlight! Currently working my way through the season that just dropped. -Marvel -I will love you forever if you write an Elektra against my Daredevil. They are toxic and in love and I love it. Whether it be the comics or the Netflix series, I don't care. Someone please write me an Elektra. Netflix did a good job of portraying this one -Alternatively, I'd also be happy to write against a Black Widow, either with Daredevil. They were a mainstay OTP in the comics in the 90s and I'd love to write against Scarlet's Black Widow. -Has anyone seen the trailer for the neverendingly delayed New Mutants movie? I would love to write something based on that horror aspect of the mutant universe.* -I'd love to write an older MCU Peter Parker (like college) running across a MCU version of Black Cat. Or just a Spiderman roleplay in general. I've always wanted to write Peter but have never gotten the chance! I have a ton of ideas for this, plus faceclaims for a few of the villains. Would also be willing to play him against Zendaya's MJ, Spidergwen, or Silk (Deepcut)**************************** (I so badly want to write Peter) -One of the pairings that was done for a time in the comics was Star Lord against Kitty Pryde and it was actually a lot of fun. If anyone would want to do a MCU version of this, I would so *DOWN* to play Quill, Xmen hijinks a plenty in space -If you write Jessica Jones, I'd be willing to write almost anyone against her (NOT KILGRAVE). Just let me know. I'd be super down to write Luke Cage or maybe Matt Murdock. I do a mean John Constantine, which, let's face it, is a cross company illustration of the two most terrible people together -Hawkguys! I would love to either write Clint against Kate Bishop (This would be a slightly skewed MCU vibe) or Kate against America Chavez. I would really love to do either of these lines. Or a poly version if someone is willing! -I'd love to write Logan as an active member of the MCU Avengers, possibly as a partner in crime/wetworks/murder with Black Widow. Those two could cause some mayhem. -Honestly, any X-men relationship could be sold to me. Just try it. I would love to find a Kitty for Piotr, a Rogue for Remy, or almost anyone for Kurt.

-DC I'd love to write Batman against Catwoman, please. Or John Constantine against literally almost anyone -Hannibal I've been dying to do a sort of season 4 for a while now, focused on Clarice Starlings interaction with Will Graham and later Hannibal Lecter. Just need to find someone willing to create an original style Clarice. -Resident Evil I'd like to write Leon against Claire Redfield or Jill Valentine in an original outbreak or a new one. I know this is an old school fandom but I'm a diehard fan. -Star Trek Okay, so first up, I am not the most well versed Trekkie in the world. Never watched any of the TV shows but am a massive fan of the trio of rebooted films and would love to give Kirk or Bones a try against Uhura, Dr. Eve, or maybe a female Vulcan OC? Hit me with ideas! -The Matrix Another obscure fandom. Maybe just an original crew, set during the movies, after, or an AU where they're the only survivors of Zion? Im not sure but I could plot something out!

-Uncharted I'd love to write Chloe Frazier against Nadine Ross, continuing their adventures. I'm pretty wide open on what we can do with this one. RANDOM CRACK SHIPS! Caught in a Web: I would love to write an iteration (Daniel Craig or an original) of James Bond/007 against a non superhero version of Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow. Spy vs spy shenanigans as two people working for different governments. Totally impossibly but putting it just in case: Did anyone see all that Wonder Woman/Lara Croft art that was floating around the internet earlier this year? I would love to dive into that. I'd prefer to write Lara but I'm definitely not picky. If you made it this far, you're a hero and I owe you a beer. Hope to hear from some great writers! Let's create something *EPIC*

[customerwint]

Belle delphine twitter

What We Know In regards to the YouTuber Who Grew to become Well-known on the Internet The place Are Twomad And Belle Delphine Now?įolks discuss lots about Twomad and Belle on Twitter as a result of phrase is getting out that their personal film goes viral. However they didn’t say something about it or inform the media about it.Īdditionally, discover out who Aspyn Ovard is on Tiktok. They weren’t stated to be relationship or hang around collectively, however their rumored movies and pictures made the web go loopy swiftly.įolks can reply to and publish feedback on the video that everybody is speaking about. Twomad was born on December 17, 2000, whereas Belle was born on October 23, 1999, and is now 22.ĭue to this, Twomad is youthful than Belle. Their actual names are Mary-Belle Kirschner and Muudea Sedik. Discover Out Twomad And Belle Delphine Actual Title And Age Particulars?īelle Delphine and Twomad are just one 12 months aside in age. Many individuals on the web have thought of them as a result of their films are so fascinating. In one other clip, Delphine is dressed as Buzz Lightyear whereas she licks Twomad’s ft.Īfter it was posted on Onlyfans on June 26, 2022, the video that prompted a whole lot of debate was shared on Twitter. Then, after a brief break, Belle is seen going right into a hate crime and choking and hitting a YouTube creator. Within the supposed clip, Delphine makes Twomad smile though he’s unhappy. The garments had been primarily based on the online game character “Donkey Kong,” who seems like an ape. Twomad is dressed as Donkey Kong in the newest Belle Delphine video. What Occurred Between Twomad And Belle Delphine? Even worse, Belle is seen choking and hitting the YouTuber as she approaches a hate crime. The YouTuber says Belle Delphine made him put on a Donkey Kong costume, though it was uncomfortable, and she or he made him smile whereas he did it. One Twitter person stated that Twomad’s sacrifice of placing on a Donkey Kong costume so he might spend time with Belle Delphine will likely be remembered with satisfaction for years to come back. Then again, some individuals are criticizing the state of affairs and making enjoyable of it. They didn’t care a lot about what they wore. Some individuals are positive that the film sends the unsuitable message due to how it’s made, particularly due to how harsh it’s. Meanwhile, Delphine’s defenders are still hitting back, saying there’s nothing wrong with depicting this in a pornographic fantasy context and it’s unreasonable to expect her to use a trigger warning for her posts.Twomad And Belle Delphine Twomad And Belle Delphine Twitter Video Is Getting Viral?įolks on social media have stated dangerous issues about the newest video by Twomad and Belle Delphine. That could result in people who aren’t familiar with Delphine’s body of work to click on the image expecting to see something completely different. However, many Twitter users disagreed with her statements, sharing examples from previous shoots where they felt she was presenting in a particularly child-like manner and pointing out that Twitter frequently shows tweets to people from accounts they aren’t actually following. Her statement included the claim that she doesn’t dress like a child and that, as a porn actress, there is no need for her to censor the contents of her timeline. later tweeted that “I’m not sorry, here’s why” with an essay attached in which she addressed the criticism she’s received over the shoot. focused on her style of dress which, coupled with her signature demeaner that many consider purposely child-like, led them to view this piece as a fetishization of the abduction and rape of children. pointed out that survivors of sexual violence, who wouldn’t be expecting anything like this based on the accompanying text to her photos, could easily be hurt or triggered by seeing the image. Note: This article contains mentions of rape.ĭelphine shared four stills from what she called her “perfect first date,” showing her tied up and gagged with duct tape in the back of a van and being anally penetrated pressed up against a tree. Now people are debating on whether or not to “cancel” her once again. When Belle Delphine posted pictures from her latest shoot directly on Twitter, the theme combined with the lack of a trigger warning upset a lot of people.

[rachelthompsonauthor]

As a survivor, writer, and sexual abuse survivor activist, I participate in and observe real life and online daily conversations on the topic of sexual violence. Hmmm, the topic of sexual violence — like it’s just a topic, not crimes that affect people for the rest of our lives. That change the very structure of our cells, of our brains. Simply a topic of conversation.

Not a polite dinner conversation topic, of course. Yet, still a topic people bring up regularly, because you see, everyone is an expert (I call them the ‘Should Have Dones) on what a victim of a horrific sexual crime Should Have Done after she was brutally raped, sexually molested, abused, or harassed (unless you’re in the political arena and then it’s referred to as ‘sexual misconduct,’ that vague, gray area that cannot be defined, making it easy for politicians to talk in their circles and loopholes, as they are wont to do).

I refer to victims of sexual crimes (including myself) as survivors. Personal choice. We are, and have every right to refer to ourselves as, victims. Society loves to call us victims, in the negative sense of the word. That’s mistake number one so let’s start there.

Mistake #1: Victim Blaming Sexual Violence Survivors

‘Don’t be a victim,’ people spew at us. ‘Just get over it.’ ��You just want the attention.’ Or my favorite (from a guy): ‘Why didn’t you just call 911? Seems easy enough.” (Well, I was only eleven at the time, and gosh well, 911 didn’t exist in 1975. Plus you know, the whole thing about how my abuser, the military dad next door, had a gun and had threatened to kill me and my baby sister if I told. So there’s that.)

Soooo easy.

One person on Twitter the other day said, ‘I’m not sure if I want to read your books. Are they an endless loop of hopeless reality, victim-mentality, woe-is-me? I prefer stories of go-getters!’

Funny thing is, I am a go-getter. I am ambitious. I’m pretty chill most days. I am also a victim of a serial child molester when I was eleven. Whether I ‘get over it,’ or talk about what happened and how I’ve dealt with it doesn’t change that he sexually abused me. I deal with that reality every day. It doesn’t define me — I don’t wear a label across my forehead, however, I don’t hide it anymore either. Shame no longer owns me.

If you look at the language people use, the focus is on the victim (I’m purposely using the word victim here so stay with me). Don’t be a victim. Get over it. Move on. As if we, the victims of crimes, have Done Something Wrong. As if discussing it means I’m still in victim-mode — which I’m not (because people do want to know); yet people assume that any victim of a sexual crime who discusses their harrowing real-life experience must be looking for attention because why else would we discuss something so private?

Here’s the bigger question: Why do you suppose people focus so much on the victim instead of the perpetrator? I’ve had years to observe this and here’s my completely non-scientific, non-random, non-controlled, non-trial, half-opinion, half-experience-based conclusion:

There’s more than one conclusion, depending on the person’s most treasured belief system. It’s uncomfortable. People don’t know what to say. They don’t want to get into the mind of an abuser, so to avoid that, they pick on the victim. They bully us. We’re accessible, easy targets. Defensive attacks are easier than compassion.

Victims are easy to blame because it’s harder and scarier to connect in any way with the mind of a criminal rapist or child molester — there might be something lurking there they don’t want to see — themselves.

There’s another school of thought (much more scientific):

“Our tendency to blame the victim is ultimately self-protective. It allows us to maintain our rosy worldview and reassure ourselves that nothing bad will happen to us. The problem is that it sacrifices another person’s well-being for our own. It overlooks the reality that perpetrators are to blame for acts of crime and violence, not victims.” (Source: Psychology Today)

I’d really love to see that paradigm shift. Instead of asking victims of sexual crime anything — because we the public are entitled to know nothing about the victim — let’s ask perpetrators why they perpetrate crimes against others. Is it anger? Is it hormonal? Is it societal? Is it mental? How can we fix this?

We know it’s not about sex. We know it’s about power and control. Examining power and patriarchal structures and how we break these down is a start. According to the latest studies, here’s what we do know about men who rape and sexually assault women:

Heavy drinking, perceived pressure to have sex,

a belief in “rape myths” — such as the idea that no means yes

A peer group that uses hostile language to describe women.

Men who are highly aroused by rape porn.

Narcissism magnifies odds that men will commit sexual assault and rape.

What about the idea that rape is about power over women? Some experts feel that research into hostile attitudes toward women supports this idea.

Rejection in high school and of looking on as “jocks and the football players got all the attractive women.”As these once-unpopular, often narcissistic men become more successful, [he] suspects that “getting back at these women, having power over them, seems to have become a source of arousal.” (Source: New York Times)

In the wake of the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings and the sexual assault revelation by Dr. Blasey Ford:

“This is what we will expect from the congressional committee:

She will likely be asked to detail every moment of the alleged attack. How much she had to drink. Why she went upstairs. What she was wearing.” (Source: Washington Post)

And she was. That’s exactly what happened.

People feel righteous and justified, as if her drinking or clothing gives Kavanaugh a pass for his (alleged) ‘misconduct.’

**Postscript: we all know the result of that entire situation.

How does what any woman/person wears or drinks justify someone else’s criminal behavior? It doesn’t. In any situation. It simply doesn’t.

Mistake #2: The Language We Use

As I mentioned above, in Western society we focus on the victim:

Mary is a battered woman.

Rachel is a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor.

Joe was raped.

Where are the perpetrators (usually men) who did the abusing in these sentences?

(For the purpose of this discussion, I’ll use men as the perpetrator, though I acknowledge #NotAllMen are abusers so please, let’s not go down that road. It is a well-known and researched fact that men do the majority of abusing (please read the full linked report for more data*) — of women, children, and other men. My point here is not to bash men; simply provide an example. I’m not in any way condemning men exclusively and I acknowledge that women can be abusers too, so everyone breathe.)

*Sex of Perpetrator in Lifetime Reports of Sexual Violence:

Most perpetrators of all forms of sexual violence against women were male. For female rape victims, 98.1% reported only male perpetrators. Additionally, 92.5% of female victims of sexual violence other than rape reported only male perpetrators. For male victims, the sex of the perpetrator varied by the type of sexual violence experienced. The majority of male rape victims (93.3%) reported only male perpetrators. For three of the other forms of sexual violence, a majority of male victims reported only female perpetrators: being made to penetrate (79.2%), sexual coercion (83.6%), and unwanted sexual contact (53.1%). For non-contact unwanted sexual experiences, approximately half of male victims (49.0%) reported only male perpetrators and more than one-third (37.7%) reported only female perpetrators (data not shown).

**For an in-depth discussion on gender symmetry, look at the work of Sherry Hamby, Ph.D.

(“Violence against women, men, and children is a men’s issue, not a women’s issue” — it’s not even a gender issue, according to Jackson Katz. Watch his TEDTalk — an excellent summary of how gendered language is endemic in our society and how we view violence against women and others, perpetuated primarily by men.)

There’s also an assumption (never a good thing) that survivors, especially female survivors, are liars. We must somehow want attention. Women must have ulterior motives for reporting sexual crimes (which violate our civil rights).

Look at the language people use when describing the multitudes of women who accused Bill Cosby in a criminal trial — they must want money or fame — misunderstanding there’s no money or fame to be had, as many of them remained anonymous, he was only convicted for the crimes against one woman, and a criminal trial does not award money.

This is especially true if the victim was drinking or drugged (more on that below). As Jim Hopper mentions in his work, our brains are flooded with chemicals during any kind of intense, traumatic situation, in particular during a sexual assault:

This part of our brain is responsible for executive functions, including focusing attention where we choose, rational thought process and inhibiting impulses. You are using your prefrontal cortex to read this article and absorb what we’ve written, rather than getting distracted by other thoughts in your head or things going on around you. But in states of high stress, fear or terror like combat and sexual assault, the prefrontal cortex is impaired–sometimes even effectively shut down–by a surge of stress chemicals. (Source: Lisak & Hopper, TIME Ideas, 2014)

Mistake #3: Expecting/Demanding a Hero Story

Like the reader above who expected my book to be about a woman who pulls herself up by the bootstraps and conquers the world, we are conditioned, particularly here in the West, to expect and might I even say demand, a mythic hero’s journey. From sitcoms to TV movies to series to Marvel and DC Universe to epics to The Olympics every two years — we are spoonfed heroes journeys at every turn.

Look at Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter — classic if clichéd examples of The Hero’s Journey (with male protagonists and male best friend side-kicks…plus the the oh-so-important scrappy, brilliant yet with not enough screen time female secondary character, who was never completely fleshed out as well as the guys and oh, always became prettier as the series wore on. Think Hermione — whom I love, yet still.). We do love a flawed underdog who grows to a champion!, finds the strength within themselves despite difficult circumstances, defeats the bad guy (ta-da!), and ultimately gets the girl…and, of course, yes, and they lived happily ever after.

Survivors of sexual violence are my heroes. We get up and live each and every day despite living with some combo of anxiety, depression, flashbacks, dissociation, nightmares, insomnia, triggers, hypersensitivity, hypervigilance, migraines, any number of immune disorders, addiction, and all kinds of other shit we are at higher risk for solely because we were a victim of sexual violence at some point in our lives.

PTSD is common in anywhere from one-third to one-half of sexual abuse survivors six months after the attack(s). 94% experience symptoms within the first 24 hours.

If and when we choose to share our survivor experience, we don’t owe anyone a hero story.

Life is hard enough as it is. Navigating it as a survivor adds other layers ‘normals’ cannot possibly imagine. Your expectation that we must live our lives according to your heroic expectations is not our issue.

And if I (or other victims) are still in victim mode — so what? Some victims are so traumatized by the crimes against them, the effects are devastating:

some repeatedly attempt to kill themselves — and often succeed,

become addicted to drugs/alcohol (did you know 75% of addicts and 90% of alcoholics were sexually abused as children? Source: The Right Step),

develop mental health issues (personality disorders, OCD, anxiety, depression, body dysphoria,

have lifelong weight issues

are at higher risk of immune disorders

can retreat to another mental universe completely (e.g., DID or other personality disorders).

If struggling to get through each day is the best we can do — so what?? Who is anyone to judge us?

Mistake #4: The Perfect Victim Myth

People blame victims for not being perfect. If she wore that red dress, if she was drinking, if she didn’t fight back, if she met the guy and they had sex (how dare a woman want sex #gasp), if she was out late walking, if she was asleep in her own bed in a nightie or even naked in her own home! If, if, if.

When you first hear about a crime, it’s our natural curiosity to want to find out more. “What happened? Who was involved, what were the circumstances, is everyone okay?”

However, in a sexual violence situation, many people immediately ask, “What was she wearing? Was she drunk? Was she alone?” This is our go-to. Because it’s somehow her fault for being imperfect. She’s to blame for putting herself in the position to be victimized (and yes, I’m using this passive language on purpose).

Again, with the victim-blaming. Yet the perfect victim expectation goes far beyond that. We’ve all watched enough Hollywood tropes to have been brainwashed into thinking that victims should be thin, virginal, pretty, helpless creatures who are perfect in every way (good), OR they are vampy vixens dressed in leather whom we know have it coming because they ooze sex (bad).

In reality, women are not caricatures (surprise!) and are sexually violated at all stages of life and in all stages of clothing.

Cases have been dismissed entirely because the victim didn’t cry sufficiently or wasn’t hysterical enough (if you recall, PTSD used to be referred to as ‘shellshock’ for a reason). Our brains can react in a multitude of ways during and after sexual assault — see Jim Hopper’s comprehensive work to get the neuroscientific background in understandable terms. As Jim points out, investigators have to learn how to talk to victims differently based on the latest scientific studies on how the brain reacts to intense trauma.

Memory gaps are common — why? Because of the pre-frontal cortex impairment mentioned above. Details can be hazy and remain hazy. The best scientists in the world don’t know exactly why, yet lawyers, judges, and juries demand definitive proof a victim isn’t lying (and even with proof, rape kits are collecting dust. Again, whole other post).

No. Let’s discuss it. If there’s DNA present, the victim can undergo the process of having a rape kit done (commonly referred to as a SAK: Sexual Assault Kit). After being raped or sexually assaulted, a victim must again open themselves up to strangers to be intimately examined.

Then there’s this fact: Most kits are never tested unless there’s a criminal investigation. Go ahead, read that again.

Are all SAKs tested?

No. While there are a few cities and states that automatically test all sexual assault kits, in general, SAKs are not tested unless specifically requested by a law enforcement agency for a criminal investigation. There are a variety of reasons that a kit might not be tested including:

A decision by law enforcement due to a variety of reasons — such as not prioritizing sexual assault cases or a perceived lack of victim credibility or cooperation — not to further investigate the case.

A decision by law enforcement that the results of the kit would not be significant to the investigation. This occurs most often when the suspect does not deny physical contact but instead claims the contact was consensual.

Backlogged crime labs. Due to resource issues, some crime labs may take up to a year or longer to test a SAK.

Lack of funding for DNA analysis. Some law enforcement jurisdictions, including crime laboratories, are underfunded and may be unable to test every SAK. (Source: National Center for Victims of Crime)

Dissociation (aka, spacing out or acting differently) is common after an assault, sometimes for years — even decades (something I still experience now, forty-plus years after my abuse as a child).

I experienced dissociation each time my abuser molested me (not realizing that watching myself as he abused me was not abnormal). I dissociated frequently throughout high school and college — it was normal for me to watch myself from above. Now that I know what that feeling is (something I can do on command), I’m much more aware. Sometimes, though, it happens and I don’t realize it at all. My family knows, though. My guy says he can see me ‘going under.’

You may also find this PTSD visual helpful (Souce: Daily Cardinal) and read more on PTSD here.

As for whether a woman decides to drink, do drugs, wear whatever she wants, meet a guy for sex — she is allowed to do all those things and still does not deserve to be raped. No man deserves to be raped. No child deserves it. No LGBTQ-identifying person. No human.

A person is raped because someone raped them.

By accusing a survivor who is brave enough to come forward for not fitting into the perfect victim myth you’ve come to expect, or accusing them of lying, it’s as if we are all having the wrong argument. What we have here is a faulty car engine (the brain, which in truth isn’t faulty at all), yet you’re accusing, discrediting, and blaming the driver.

When in actuality, the one causing the entire mess is the guy who ran the car off the road.

Allegedly.

Mistake #5: Sexual Violence is Political

Social media is rife with conspiracy theories about the Ford/Kavanaugh situation — which I won’t dignify by going into here on this post. The #MeToo movement, which has brought forward incredible, heartbreaking, brave voices sharing horrific stories of sexual violence, is now being attacked as men vs. women, as right-wing vs those ‘heathen, liberal left’ (never mind the number of priests, GOP’ers identified as child molesters and rapists, Fox News?). Some of the people involved in spreading and believing these stories are tin-foil hat ridiculous.

Geez. See how easy even I lowered myself into the mud? It’s an ugly look, isn’t it? Mud-slinging makes dirty people. Dirty people spread more dirt.

Add to that the conspiracy theorists, fake news, fake accounts, Russian whatevers, bots, and fundamentalists on all sides…we might as well be rolling with the pigs…or is it dogs or fleas? Besides, shouldn’t you be writing instead of arguing politics on social media?)

Which is why I refuse to discuss politics and sexual violence together in the same tweet or post.* I won’t argue with anyone about sexual violence and politics. They are completely separate because my focus is and always will be on the survivor. And if you work with The Joyful Heart Foundation as I do or RAINN (also wonderful), you’ll see they are not political, either (except to help get funding for rape kit testing or more services for survivors).

Advocating is about helping others. Politicizing sexual violence negatively, to further some politician’s career, doesn’t help anyone.

(*If there’s a bill, contributions needed, or volunteering to help or fund services for survivors — then I’m all in to help out survivors).

Making what a survivor goes through, after any kind of assault, fit into some political party ideology is ludicrous to me.

Compassion and kindness are my ideology.

Mistake #6: Assuming All Victims of Sexual Violence Are Liars

One more, on the house.

As I already mentioned above, the other part of politicizing sexual violence is the assumption that all sexual violence survivors are liars (ONLY if the survivor is hurting your candidate). Why do you suppose this is? Because diehard party-line believers and supporters cannot afford to question their own familiar belief system (this topic brings in fallacies, which you can read more about here). Whole other post.

“Why didn’t she report? She had plenty of time!” Such an easy question to ask. So simple. As easy as asking a domestic violence survivor why she didn’t just leave, right? Surely, violent, criminal situations can be explained away with a tweet. I hope this sounds as ridiculous to you as it does to me, yet that’s what people demand from survivors, particularly women.

I’ve shared above how parts of the brain shut off during trauma. If the victim chooses to come forward immediately, investigators must be trained to question survivors appropriately, keeping this in mind. The victim may not answer in a way politicians or the public would ‘expect’ a perfect victim to answer — yet the knowledge of how the brain responds to trauma is not widely known or understood.

The general public is a different story altogether. Zero comprehension of the brain on trauma. Therefore, we see these brutal social media attacks ensue due to unsatisfactory answers to questions the public has no right to ask.

Shame is another reason. It can take decades for a survivor to speak publicly about their sexual trauma (if they ever do at all). It took me three and a half decades to write Broken Pieces and then Broken Places (Broken People will be available soon-ish).

Fear of retaliation (and considering 90% of sexual violence is perpetrated by someone we know, this is an incredibly valid fear). More specifics from RAINN:

Of the sexual violence crimes not reported to police from 2005–2010, the victim gave the following reasons for not reporting:

20% feared retaliation

13% believed the police would not do anything to help

13% believed it was a personal matter

8% reported to a different official

8% believed it was not important enough to report

7% did not want to get the perpetrator in trouble

2% believed the police could not do anything to help

30% gave another reason or did not cite one reason

Read more statistics about perpetrators of sexual violence.

I won’t go into the details of my own sexual abuse here, but I will share this: as someone who did report (eventually) and testified in two trials at the age of twelve (civil and military), I can tell you it was one of the most terrifying, humiliating, and shameful experiences I’ve ever had, facing the man who abused me, having to explain what he did to me while others scrutinized every excruciating, embarrassing detail for further questioning and cross-examination.

Sure, I was young. Younger than both my kids are now. Too young to know the words I was about to speak.

For the record, he got eighteen months.

  Do you need help right now? Contact RAINN 800.656.HOPE (4673). Here are 67 resources for sexual assault survivors via Greatist.

  This post originally appeared on Medium.

  Read more about Rachel’s experiences in the award-winning book, Broken Pieces.

She goes into more detail about living with PTSD and realizing the effects of how being a survivor affected her life in

Broken Places, available now on Amazon.

  The post 5 Mistakes People Make When Discussing Sexual Violence appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

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I May Destroy You: a Bold Show Only a Survivor Could Write

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Warning: contains spoilers for the I May Destroy You finale

Michaela Coel’s I May Destroy You is a tour de force creation of laser-focused storytelling. A creator working at the current height (but clearly not yet the apex) of her power, Coel’s take on trauma and consent is the kind of prestige exploration that only a survivor could write. The series starts with Coel’s pitch-perfect take on the nuts and bolts of trauma, from the intrusive thoughts and sarcasm toward art therapy to the ringing we hear when main character Arabella is triggered to Arabella downplaying her own trauma by comparing it to various global tragedies. But Coel goes beyond that and puts every kind of consent under the microscope, pushing the audience to look at the aspects of rape culture that make us the most queasy, even if – especially if – they’re inside ourselves.

With Arabella’s drug-induced blackout in the first episode, I May Destroy You sidesteps the depiction we’re most used to seeing of sexual assault – detailed, graphic imagery of “what happened” – in favor of a more guttural and nuanced portrait of the thing that lasts: surviving sexual assault. As a result, the show has so much more to say than the usual fare, staying with Arabella and her friends for at least a year to see the changes great and small after the assault, and to examine consent across their lives from a number of different angles. Only someone who’s spent so much time swimming in this topic could write it so intensely and accurately.

Usually, when rape and sexual assault are depicted in mainstream storytelling, they are used as a storytelling device — a time-saving shorthand to further the plot for a male character who has a relationship with the victim, to show how deeply evil the perpetrator is, or perhaps to make the victim seem more sympathetic or to provide her with sufficient motivation to be an active protagonist in her own story. (Why else would LadyCops exist?) These tropes are discussed in heteronormative terms because most sexual violence on screen ignores the reality that men are survivors too, and that LGBTQ people are disproportionately affected, as are, for that matter, BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color).

Even when stories are primarily about sexual violence, the narratives tend to follow the same repetitive beats. The rape revenge movie, the Good Survivor™ who self-actualizes their way to justice—and also love! It’s lazy storytelling to retread the same arcs, but with the exception of a wonderful few, like Sweet/Vicious, The Assistant, The Magicians (which righted itself after a triggering start) and hopefully the forthcoming Promising Young Woman and Run, Sweetheart Run, it’s near-universal.

Enter I May Destroy You.

Drawing from a personal experience of sexual assault, Michaela Coel’s 12-episode show is a fictional depiction of Arabella, a millennial writer living in London who was drugged and raped while out for a drink one night when procrastinating on a deadline. Like many survivors, it takes Arabella some time to accept the label the police investigators assign to what happened to her, though they generally treat her well, certainly better than we’d expect here in the States. Don’t get too comfortable, though – for as well as Arabella is treated, her friend Kwame, a queer Black man, experiences something entirely different when he goes to report a rape.

From the beginning, it’s clear the investigator doesn’t understand sex between men and isn’t interested in taking Kwame’s information. He is afforded no privacy while the investigator takes his statement, while a door with a sign saying it must be closed is clearly left open. Kwame isn’t offered support or understanding – instead there’s a sense of judgment surrounding the circumstances, since he used a hookup app. The investigator brushes off the possibility of taking a DNA sample since, they say it wouldn’t prove anything since they had consensual sex, ignoring that at least then they would know it was the correct person. The entire interview is far too casual, with the investigator asking if he was penetrated or not almost as an afterthought, on their way out the door. We don’t have to imagine what an interview with a woman reporting sexual assault would look like, because we’ve just seen it, a few episodes ago. Even between two young Black Londoners with immigrant parents, there’s a hierarchy of privilege and treatment.

Kwame internalizes his experience and withdraws from the world. It takes his friends a long time to realize something is the matter, in part due to concern over Arabella. When they do, Arabella isn’t supportive and doesn’t equate their experiences, even going so far as to accuse Kwame of manipulating or somehow violating the consent of a woman he slept with by not disclosing his sexuality, as though anyone is entitled to that information in the first place. (Kwame primarily sleeps with men but patiently explains that it’s a spectrum and that after being raped, sleeping with men isn’t safe for him, he’s interested in sleeping with women, and he’d like to explore that.) For her part, the white woman Kwame slept with seemed all too eager to fetishize a Black man and then sing the n-word and use the f-word. He called her out on the latter, she became indignant, and she weaponized the language of consent and rape culture to turn the conversation off of her use of slurs and onto him, calling him cancelled and a predator. In her words, “I guess anything that you may have found offensive you wouldn’t have heard if you hadn’t have come into my house under false pretenses,” and I truly hope she warmed up before that stretch.

Read more

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I May Destroy You Review: Fresh, Frank, Fluent Drama

By Louisa Mellor

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Unbelievable review: an insightful masterpiece from Netflix

By Delia Harrington

The fact of being a survivor alone doesn’t make a person an expert on all things consent and sexual violence. Some survivors choose to go deep on the research, become a certified rape crisis counselor, earn their Master of Social Work degree, or otherwise advocate for survivors in a technical capacity above and beyond their personal experience. But many do not, and it takes years for those who do. Survivors are not infallible; some of the most damaging, victim-blaming things I’ve heard have come from survivors in the early days of denial or crisis, including myself. The awful things we’ve said are usually more about the internalized shame and doubt we’re feeling about our own story than anyone else.

In Arabella’s case, becoming a warrior-survivor makes her feel strong and safe. Her and Terry’s limited understanding of sexuality causes them to be confused by a gay man wanting to have sex with a woman at all, and she gets hung up on that rather than seeing kinship with Kwame and understanding that sex with men is a safety issue for him at the time. Instead, she sees kinship with the racist, sexist white woman Kwame had the misfortune of hooking up with. At this moment in time, Arabella is more comfortable placing Kwame in a box where all men are perpetrators, and any information not shared is manipulation, rather than viewing him as a fellow survivor.

It’s completely understandable. It’s sadly not all that rare. And it’s completely unfair to Kwame. It’s also the kind of messy dynamic most people would not dare to write, let alone lay at the feet of a lead character who’s a survivor of sexual assault. But there’s more humanity in Coel’s take on survivors as fumbling, imperfect, traumatized beings than some sort of beatified victim persona or the ruined/broken/fallen woman trope. Survivors aren’t perfect or magic; we’re people healing from trauma. And for a decent part of the series, Arabella, like so many of us, is pretending she either has nothing to heal from or that healing isn’t an active pursuit. Wouldn’t it be weirder if we were just completely fine?

Coel captures the difficult phenomenon of social media as a public survivor. The push-pull of receiving much-needed support from unseen online followers, while fending off disturbing efforts from trolls and an inner urge to lean too hard on strangers. Social justice can make a survivor feel powerful, and online activism is the most readily accessible for most survivors. At any time of the day or night, you can send off a tweet or post and hear back from a chorus of support – or not. But like any coping mechanism, it helps until it doesn’t.

Being a public survivor turns you into a beacon for others in need. In many ways it’s a good thing, but receiving dozens of survivor stories every single day can become overwhelming. How do you respond adequately to all of them? How do you connect people to help if they need it? How do you read them all without triggering yourself? Coel deftly shows the realistic downsides of social media activism without lampooning it. It’s not that social media is ineffective, so much as it consumes Arabella. The survivors in her DMs need real professional assistance, something she can’t provide – she’s still going through it herself. As things come to a head toward the end of the season, Coel shows the other side of what it means to be a personality who becomes famous for their social posts on a traumatic topic. Yes, Arabella says a lot of smart things about sexual violence. But Arabella also needs to put down the phone and eat a real meal, get a good night’s sleep, go to group therapy, and spend time in the present tense with her friends.

Finally, there is the show’s ending. One could be forgiven for mistaking I May Destroy You for a whodunnit. After all, the primary question most sexual violence narratives ask are who did it, what exactly did they do, how devastated is the victim, and how will the perpetrator be punished? But in its kaleidoscope of possible endings and Arabella’s command that all of her perpetrator’s various incarnations leave her apartment, she and the show make it clear that this isn’t really about her perpetrator after all. It’s about Arabella, her healing, and the people who make her life full and strong. So she goes to the garden and hugs her neglected roommate Ben, their tending of plants (at publisher Sally’s suggestion) marking the passing of time.

While many survivors desire justice, the law and order portion of surviving is limited, if it exists at all, compared to disclosing to loved ones, getting triggered in public, reevaluating relationships with victim-blamers, having tough conversations about consent, negotiating how to keep a job and housing with lowered productivity – all things Arabella has worked through over the course of the season. Viewers may want to see fire and brimstone, but that would be unrealistic. It also might not even help. And as the various scenarios played out, presumably all versions of how it could have gone down plucked from Arabella’s mind, it’s not like survivors haven’t thought about this before. Instead, a part of her heals and moves on. She doesn’t forget, but she’s not in crisis or living on a knife’s edge anymore. She has enough psychic distance to write her book. She can put her friends’ needs above her own again, when they need her.

The ending may not feel satisfying to everyone, but it’s real. It certainly resonates with me, in spite of the somewhat stressful, chaotic nature of watching her spend so much time in the presence of her perpetrator. These are all very real dynamics that are playing out all the time, and the public conversation is catching up to that. It’s time that our media did too, rather than retreading the same old ground, but it’s not altogether surprising that only someone who’s thought about the topic so deeply would know how. The world of surviving sexual violence is rich with stories and experiences, if only people would actually look. That’s why it’s so frustrating to see the same stories told about this topic over and over again. But when survivors like Michaela Coel are in the driver’s seat, everything changes for the better. In I May Destroy You, she slices through the quaint stories we’re used to hearing, in favor of nervy narratives that reveal queasy truths we might not yet be ready for. One might assume that the show’s title is the perpetrator speaking to Arabella, or vice versa. But as we the audience hide from the truth about rape culture, wrapped up cozily in our own myths and assumptions, it turns out the title is the voice of Coel, speaking head on to all of us, with a glint in her eye.

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Speak Up: Identifying Rape Culture in Everyday Conversation

You can find it in this 2011 New York Times description of an 11-year-old girl who was horrifically gang raped: “she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s.”

You can find it in this story shared by Girls Gone Strong co-founder Molly Galbraith: “When I was 11 years old, two men in their thirties followed me around the mall until I alerted security that I was scared. I was told that I shouldn’t have worn such short shorts.”

You can find it in dismissals of powerful men bragging about sexual assault as “just locker room talk.”

If you’ve spent any time discussing sexual violence, whether in person or online, you’ve likely heard statements like the above — ones that find a way to place blame on the victims or survivors* of sexual assault, which at the same time, alleviate blame from the perpetrators. Harmful statements like these are examples of rape culture in everyday conversation.

*A note on the terms victim and survivor in this article: Words have power. The word victim is often used to describe someone who has experienced sexual assault, but many women prefer to call themselves survivors rather than victims. Proponents of using survivor feel that it is an active term implying a journey of healing, whereas victim might conjure up passivity and pity. Some people do choose to use the term victim, and it is a useful term when we’re talking about a crime that’s been committed (since sexual assault is always a crime). Taking my example from RAINN, I use both interchangeably [1].

What is Rape Culture?

The term “rape culture” was first coined by the New York Radical Feminists in 1974, in a publication called Rape: The First Sourcebook for Women [2]. It refers to social conditioning that we collectively experience as a culture in which sexual violence is tolerated, downplayed, excused, normalized, joked about, and even promoted. It serves to excuse the actions of perpetrators and blame victims at the same time.

In Transforming A Rape Culture, Emilie Buchwald describes it as “a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women.” In a rape culture, Buchwald writes, women understand they are under a constant threat that can range “from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself.” She adds that a rape culture treats sexual violence against women as “the norm” [3].

Though the majority of sexual violence is committed by men against women and usually discussed in these terms, it’s important to note that this isn’t the only way sexual violence occurs. Men can be victims and survivors. Transgender and nonbinary people experience sexual violence at high rates. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and queer people can also experience sexual assault in the context of their relationships [4].

And rape culture doesn’t just exist in individuals who express victim-blaming opinions, it also exists in the larger systems and structures in our society.

Examples include:

Legal systems where rapists may experience very light penalties, and where victims’ clothing and sexual histories are scrutinized.

Gratuitous gendered, sexualized violence in movies and pop culture.

Common values and beliefs we place on masculinity and femininity, such as expecting masculine people to be sexually aggressive and to “score,” and expecting feminine people to be submissive, chaste, and to not desire much sex.

Prevention efforts that only focus on victims. (It isn’t wrong to tell women to watch out for each other and to keep an eye on their drinks. But it’s wrong when this is the sole focus of rape prevention efforts, rather than focusing on predatory behavior and teaching people about consent and boundaries.)

Rachel DiBella, LICSW, is a psychotherapist, prevention specialist, and professor who has been doing sexual violence prevention and response work on college campuses, in healthcare, and in the legal field for more than a decade. She currently oversees sexual violence prevention programming at a Boston University and points out that rape culture includes more than just individual instances of rape and assault.

Rape culture also includes “the pervasive threat that many of us walk with each day” and how that threat “limits us in every way.” She explains, “Without even being aware of it, many of us — people of all genders, and especially trans folks, women of color and LGBQ folks — arrange our lives around how we can avoid harassment.” DiBella also points out that avoidance behaviors are “major diagnostic features of trauma” and that rape culture afflicts our society “with a collective sense of trauma.”

Examples of Rape Culture in Everyday Conversation

There are many ways in which rape culture shows up in everyday conversation — even used by folks who would say that they’re against rape and sexual violence. The language is so pervasive that we may not even realize we’re using it. Here are some common examples:

The Normalization of Men as Predators

“Boys will be boys.” “That’s just locker room talk.” “He was just acting like a red-blooded American male.”

Slut Shaming of Victims or Survivors

“Did you see what she was wearing? She clearly wanted attention.” “How much did she drink?” “She led them on.” “She posts a lot of sexual selfies, what does she expect?” “She’s ugly and lucky she got the attention.”

Implying There Is a “Perfect” Way to Be a Victim

“Why didn’t she fight them off in exactly XYZ way?” “Why did she wait so long to come forward?” “Why didn’t they tell anyone?” “She should have done (fill in the blank).”

Painting Victims and Survivors as Liars and Schemers

Disbelieving victims even when many come forward against the same perpetrator.

“She’s just in it for the money.” “These women want to get famous.”

Using the Term “Rape” to Mean Something Other Than Sexual Violence

“That test raped me.” “We totally raped that other team!”

Making Rape Jokes

Any joke where objectifying women or rape is the punchline is problematic.

Some feminists such as Lindy West have made a distinction between jokes that “punch down” at the people with less power (victims), and jokes that “punch up” at people with more power (perpetrators). When it comes to rape jokes, any joke that punches down at a victim or survivor normalizes rape culture.

Wishing Rape on Someone, Including on Rapists as a Punishment

We hear this one often — in jokes about the rape and sexual violence that occurs in prisons, and even as a suggested punishment to rapists.

“Just wait until he gets to jail and gets what’s coming to him.”

It’s also very common for women and other marginalized folks to experience rape threats as a go-to form of online harassment. A poll by Amnesty International found that 29 percent of American women had experienced threats of sexual violence against them as a result of men disagreeing with opinions that they’d publicly expressed. The threats of sexual violence are often compounded by harassment targeting other aspects of the victim’s identity, such as racism or transphobia [5].

The Concept of the “Friend Zone”

This term has been easily accepted into our culture, but what is it really saying?

It’s mostly used on women and implies that women owe men sexual attention. This term shames women for exercising their right to say “no,” a right that shouldn’t be questioned.

Worrying More About the Ramifications for the Perpetrator Than the Victim

“That poor boy’s life will be ruined.” “It would be a shame if he lost that scholarship or had a record.” “It’s like men can’t even talk to women anymore!”

Catcalling

Catcalling someone upholds the idea that (primarily) women are objects to be desired and that it’s OK to objectify us. Minimizing catcalling as harmless, as a part of life that we should accept, or even as complimentary, implies that catcallers aren’t doing anything wrong.

How Does This Language Harm Us?

Besides excusing perpetrators and blaming victims, this language can cause actual violence to escalate. Some of the above examples focus on myths about rape — false beliefs that are used to shift blame from a perpetrator to a victim. Rape myths are prevalent in our society, and the belief in rape myths has been strongly associated with “hostile attitudes and behaviors toward women” and may “contribute toward the pervasiveness of rape” [6].

The use of such language upholds and promotes rape culture as normal. According to Rachel DiBella, when we fail to think critically about misogyny and violence in everyday conversation, a process happens. We may not recognize how problematic the conversation is, which “reifies our inability to see rape culture.” When we can’t see rape culture, she says, “we’re vulnerable to reproducing it ourselves.” She points to a study that suggests that “when people causing harm don’t get called out by their peers, they misperceive that silence as approval…and it continues, and it escalates” [7].

And finally, says DiBella, when language promoting rape culture escalates, our tolerance for it also grows: “We have a higher threshold and ability to tolerate more and more disturbing content.” This escalation, in turn, can bring actual violence into being [8].

What Can You Do?

We all have a responsibility when it comes to combating (and hopefully dismantling) rape culture. Here’s where you can start.

Check Yourself First

Even if you belong to a population that commonly experiences sexual violence, and even if you are a survivor, you may still use language that supports rape culture.

Often this serves as an attempt to distance ourselves from other folks who have experienced sexual violence. If we say things like “She should have done something differently to avoid rape,” what we are really saying is “I would have avoided rape/ it would not have happened to me.”

When we closely examine such statements, they are methods of-self protection, but they blame the victim and do nothing to actually protect any of us. Make sure that your own words are not contributing to the normalization of sexual violence.

Realize That Rape Survivors and Victims Are Listening

Chances are good that you or someone close to you has experienced sexual violence. If your casual comments blame victims and excuse perpetrators, know that survivors are listening, which may add shame and confusion to how they make sense of their experience. This may also make the difference for them between who to trust and who not to trust when it comes to sharing about their experience.

Challenge the Words of Others

Survivors are not only listening to what you say, but to how you respond when you hear rape culture in casual conversation. Speak up and challenge others who use this language. Let people know that this language blames survivors, excuses perpetrators, and perpetuates violence. If you have the emotional capacity, offer to help them learn. Make your personal online space a place where this language is not tolerated, and where folks who use it are not comfortable.

A Cultural Shift

Because the normalization of rape culture is so ingrained in our language, it may feel like an uphill battle to challenge it and to change the culture. But it can be done. “In a rape culture both men and women assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable,” Emilie Buchwald writes, “However . . . much of what we accept as inevitable is in fact the expression of values and attitudes that can change.”

DiBella agrees that change is possible, and absolutely necessary. If we don’t work on change, she says, “we’ll keep on learning to live with it, as if it’s normal, and we’ll joke about it and pretend it’s not so bad, as we’ve always done.”

“Just as individual survivors of sexual trauma must embark on an intentional healing journey… so must we as a society,” she concludes. “Rape culture is a problem because it keeps us all from being free.”

References

Key Terms and Phrases | RAINN. Key Terms and Phrases | RAINN. https://www.rainn.org/articles/key-terms-and-phrases.

Connell N, Wilson C. Rape: the First Sourcebook for Women. New York: New American library; 1974.

R. FP, Buchwald E, Roth M. Transforming a Rape Culture. Minneapolis, MN: Milkweed Editions; 2005.

Scope of the Problem: Statistics | RAINN org/statistics/scope-problem

Toxic Twitter – Women’s Experiences of Violence and Abuse on Twitter. https://ift.tt/2LzvKrm.

Suarez E, Gadalla TM. Stop Blaming the Victim: A Meta-Analysis on Rape Myths. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. 2010;25(11):2010-2035.

Berkowitz AD. Fostering men’s responsibility for preventing sexual assault. In: Schewe PA, ed. Preventing Violence in Relationships: Interventions across the Life Span. 3rd ed. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; 2002:163-196.

Bou-Franch P, “Did he really rape these bitches?” Exploring Language Aggression against Women, Benjamins Current Topics, 2016:1-14.

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