#it's more that these didn't feel so much like intentional cliffhangers or to-be-resolved questions

[thatsparrow]

re: the ending of poker face ep 1 (with all necessary caveats that I've only seen the first episode, and am very open to seeing if these questions get answered, and that I did enjoy the ep enough to want to keep watching, but also. hm)

so. okay. charlie suspects sterling jr. and cliff of being involved in nat's death. she records them talking about their shill for the poker game

she's almost sure of her suspicion and, before returning to the hotel, sends caine the recording to punish sterling jr. (hitting him where it hurts)

> why has she not already sent the unseen photo to the cops? as soon as she realizes for sure that cliff and sterling jr. killed nat (specifically because of the photo) she knows that a) it hasn't gotten into the right hands and b) what they'll do to keep it hidden

> we haven't seen the photo, but we know it features something truly shocking, and caine is deemed morally reprehensible. I get that charlie is angry and grieving over nat, wants to get back at sterling. jr by any means possible, but if caine is such an awful human, would she really give him the tip-off he needs to get out of the country ahead of the police? even if that's not her intention, it's an unavoidable side effect. maybe we'll find out the photo's not what we think, but I doubt it, since she specifically calls out kazimir caine's name when she finally emails the photo to the authorities

she returns to the hotel, confronts sterling jr. and confirms for a fact that he's responsible for killing nat. he and cliff threaten to kill her. she tells them about the recording

> that doesn't actually seem like much of a reason for them not to kill her at that moment. if anything, it seems like giving them more motivation. the recording isn't leverage, because she's already sent it to caine. it's not, "if you kill me, he'll hear about the rigged game." the damage is already done

> why. the fuck. does she follow sterling jr. and cliff down to the high roller suite. just to gloat when they realize caine is missing? she knows they've killed nat! they already threatened to kill her!! telling them about the recording bought her some time, so why the fuck isn't she using it right away?

feels like they could have spared like, at least a shot of whatever she lands on when she jumps out a 4th floor window

[hms-no-fun]

so about the scene near the end of 8.3.1, when j and vriska are like "we dont share a head anymore, we're real!". essentially it has me worried for some implications that could come across as really not great depending on how it plays out. i don't think it will be because you've done an excellent job so far i am just a bit nervous and wanted to let you know that it could be concerning if handled poorly and to ask about how you do intend to handle it if you are at liberty to say.

there's a couple things i want to say in response to this, and they will probably come across as harsh, so first of all i just want it stated for the record that i 100% understand your concern here. this is a sensitive, personal subject that would be very easy to fuck up, and i know a lot of folks are really invested in this story and don't want to see it turn into another thing they resent for getting it wrong in some way. i've watched this happen countless times to art that i was really invested in. i've felt that disappointment and i want nothing more than to avoid that in the case of godfeels.

(this is a long post so i'm gonna put a break here, some spoilers follow for godfeels 3 part 1 chapter 8 act 3 [1/2] lmao)

i'll agree that J and vriska saying "we're real" upon having physical bodies is maybe weirdly mixed messaging compared against J's personal realization of "i'm real." this is something i stared at on the page for a while, because i knew the implications, but i couldn't really come up with a better way to phrase it that didn't involve a much lengthier conversation that felt totally out of place given the circumstances. to my mind, it makes perfect sense that there would be two separate colloquial uses of the term "real" here. when J says "i'm real," it's a statement of personal agency and an affirmation that they do exist as an independent entity. when J and vriska on the beach say "we're real," they're speaking to the fact that they have physical bodies and are separate from one another in a way they've never been before. having them say, instead, "we have bodies" maybe would be clearer for the reader, but it just didn't feel in character to me. maybe it could have been "we're real! i mean, real real!" but i think if anything that would just make your fears even worse. i elected to keep the text as it was published because i felt the context of the rest of the chapter resolved these questions in a much more satisfying way than a simple conversation ever could.

this is, to an extent, why i originally wanted to release chapters 8.3.1 and 8.3.2 within a couple days of each other, because despite its length 8.3.1 is still functionally the middle of J and vriska's arcs. there are a lot of unresolved questions on the table right now and i recognize it's probably a lot harder to appreciate what 8.3.1 is doing when there is this big cliffhanger that we've been stuck on for nearly 60,000 words. it's just unfortunately true that real-life circumstances made it impossible for me to get the last part of this chapter finished in the timeframe i wanted to, and i knew it would be difficult for folks to be left with SO MUCH uncertainty after all the dread i've been invoking for a solid three weeks now. so i can only imagine how all of that could make this uneasy feeling about J and vriska being physically "real" that much worse. and i have sympathy for that! i really do.

but also, i can't say i super appreciate being questioned on my intentions like this. because essentially what you're asking me is "are you planning on doing good representation?" and i just don't believe that there's a way for me to answer this question that will satisfy you. the work will speak for itself when it's done. but i have said multiple times in multiple places that i am looking at this as a plural story, and i've reiterated multiple times in multiple places that i've very explicitly considered these concerns long before this chapter was released. i don't know how many different ways i can vaguely assuage your fears before it feels like what you really want is for me to just tell you what happens, as if you have a right to that information on the basis of anxiety alone.

i know this story means a lot to you, i know you just want it to be the best it can possibly be, and i know you want to make sure i don't wind up tripping over myself in the execution. but the thing is that i am not accountable to your concerns. i never have been, and i never will be. i certainly, 100% take those concerns into account, because i don't want to tell a story that inflicts harm accidentally. but i am not aiming to tell a prototypical narrative in any way. the model of transness i showed in gf2 was not meant to be THE model of transness, just my perspective on it. in the same way, the model of plurality i'm showing in gf3 is not meant to be THE model of plurality, just my perspective on it. chapter 8.3.1 was not 40,000 words because i wanted to appease my plural readers. it was 40,000 words because i was reckoning very directly with the psychological reality of my own headmates, and the damage we knowingly/unknowingly inflicted upon each other over the years before i/we recognized our plurality for what it was. which is a thing i feel like i shouldn't have to say!! i really hate toting out the "actually i've suffered so it's okay for me to make challenging queer art" excuse. the work should speak for itself. i'm willing to talk about the art forever, as should be BOUNTIFULLY obvious at this point, but this kind of thing? i don't like talking about my own plurality in public, but i feel like doing so is the only way i can convey the seriousness with which i am treating this story. and that fucking sucks!!! i really just don't appreciate the extra pressure to "get it right." i already knew the pressure was there. you aren't telling me something i don't know by asking this question.

if anything, it feels like a threat. and i know that's not how you intend it, anon. but i have been on this roundabout more than enough times to know where this line of reasoning leads. what happens if i do disappoint you? what happens if you feel utterly betrayed by this work that has helped to define some brilliant piece of you? do i then become the next enemy, the next andrew hussie, the next queer traitor whose name is hissed in hushed tones with derisive vitriol? "she came so close, and then she fucked it all up..."

this exact pressure, from this exact fandom, has literally derailed the lives of several of my closest friends for years. i have watched AND personally endured harassment campaigns both for homestuck fanworks and for discussions around the text of homestuck itself. i almost abandoned godfeels outright last year because i was convinced the joy i felt in telling this story could never be outweighed by the sheer possessive monstrosity with which vocal sections of this fandom treat anyone who tries to do something different. especially if that "something different" involves messy queerness.

to put it as frankly as i can: i do not care about good representation, and i never have. if i cared about good representation, i would have made june exactly the bubbly best-case-scenario post-transition gal that a lot of fanart depicts. if i cared about good representation, i would just have june be plural and immediately start using plural terms and go about it in a very safe and conventional way (insofar as any depiction of plurality can be called "conventional" at this point).

the only thing i, as an artist, have ever cared about is whether my art is telling the truth. if it's not, then it's worthless. if it is, then i believe that accusations of "good representation" will naturally follow, because on the whole i think most readers (especially queer ones) know when you're lying to them. this story has always been rough, traumatic, and challenging, entirely because it is an expression of my own rough, traumatic, and challenging experiences both as a trans woman and now as a plural trans woman. what i care about is making sure that this story is and remains undeniably itself.

and i just don't think that is possible in an environment where i'm also being pressured -even in a well-intentioned way!- to tick the right representational boxes in order to satisfactorily avoid criticism of x y z depiction.

and look. if the last part of this chapter comes out and utterly beefs it, we can talk. i've deliberately not educated myself on a lot of existing plural models because i wanted this to be something that was mine, but it's entirely possible that in the process of that i will end up stumbling over some harmful trope that i didn't know anything about. but fundamentally, my decision to put plurality on the center stage in this narrative was not a "oh i have a lot of plural readers so i should pander to them" situation. i decided to put plurality on the center stage in this narrative because i realized it was always on the center stage, and i was just in denial about it. i would not introduce anything to the universe of this story out of a sense of obligation or fanservice or whatever else. i did this because i believe in it, because i believe it is an honest part of this story that expands and enhances the palette of what already exists in beautiful and unexpected ways. i don't take that lightly. i don't take the responsibility i feel as someone who has, in a very real sense, stumbled ass-backwards into being the steward of what i guess i have to acknowledge at this point is, in some sense, "an important work of plural fiction" lightly.

i know, maybe better than most people, what's at stake here. reminding me of what's at stake only makes me more nervous, thus making my job (which isn't even a job since i literally can't get paid for godfeels) that much harder. so please, just have patience and let me finish this corner of the narrative, and when it's done you can judge it for what it is.