#it's literally just annoying and tiring and boring at this point it's a dumbass mental illness that makes no sense

[900revolvingwheels]

ocd is actually a beautiful blessing that keeps me safe and healthy and self-aware. these are all good things that i would not have without it! (<-girl who is so so so so so tired)

[spoodrm4n]

He knew he got jealous easily. He could feel the itch of it underneath his skin as he stared Will down across the room.

There Will was; bright smile plastered across his face and his laughter heard faintly above the music at the party Max and El had dragged their whole friend group to. He was talking to one of the boys who was in his history class. Will had been by Mike’s side until the boy from Will’s history class had said hello. Will had politely excused himself with a quick smile and Mike felt his mood turn sour in that moment.

He took a deep breath, jaw clenched and eyes trained on the two across the room.

“Oh look— I’ve run into a seething idiot in the corner.” Max had appeared next to Mike, nudging his shoulder with her cane. Mike’s eyes stayed on Will. He isn’t sure how the girl had found him since her vision is absent. He could see Max roll her dull eyes in his peripheral. “You can’t be mad if you haven’t made a move, Wheeler.”

That had Mike snapping his attention towards the red head at on his left. “What are you even talking about?” Mike crossed his arms, lips downturned.

“I’m talking about your massive crush on Will. You can’t be jealous if you haven’t even told him how you feel,” Max replied as if it was the most obvious point in the world. And maybe it was, but Mikes head was entirely too clouded with jealousy and anger.

“I’ve been more than obvious, Max.” And Mike wants to believe himself, but has he?

“You really think I’m gonna believe that bullshit? I’ve even noticed the way you avoid him, Wheeler. You’ve been a complete ass ever since you broke up with El just because you can’t deal with your feelings.” And god bless Max Mayfield because she seems to be one of the few people who can actually slap some sense into him.

“Listen, I know you’re scared— probably terrified. He’s been your best friend since you can remember and you don’t want to ruin it, whatever. But Will is completely head over heels for your dumbass. It’s a wonder you haven’t realized. The guys painfully obvious,” Max’s tone is softer, but still firm. Mike blinks at her.

Will does not like him.

“That’s so not true! He had multiple people practically drooling over him in Lenora. There’s literally no way he would want to be with me.” Mike scoffs, eyes narrowed at Max. Even though she can’t see him, it’s like she can sense the annoyed look on his face as she clumsily punches him in the chest.

“Just go talk to him, I’m tired of hearing you sigh every twenty seconds.” Mike draws his lips into a thin line as he watches Max grip her cane and walk away, following the sounds of El and Lucas in another room of the house.

Mike contemplates it.

Before he can realize the decision he’s come to, he’s standing in front of Will and the other boy. Will looks up at Mike, eyes kind and smile wide.

“Oh, Mike! This is Thomas, he sits across from me in history third period,” Will gestures towards the boy across from him and Mike feels his jaw set in place again.

“Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot—“

“Will, can I, uh, speak to you? In private,” and it comes out more harsh and brash than Mike intends; jealousy and annoyance rearing it’s ugly head. Will’s smile falters and Mike mentally kicks himself.

“Yeah sure,” Will turns to Thomas, “I’ll see you Monday?” And before Thomas can even nod his head, Mike is grabbing Will’s arm and dragging him to the front door and outside.

“Mike what’s wrong?” Will is saying as Mike continues to drag them down the driveway. Will plants his feet, making Mike stumble in his tracks, turning around to look at his best friend. “Mike.”

“So you’re best friends with— Timothy, was it?” Mike deflects, quickly letting go of Will’s arm and shoving his hands in his pockets.

“What? No, Thomas is a guy in my history class. I’ve maybe had four real conversations with him.” Will shrugs, his hazel eyes boring into Mike’s own inky ones. Mike looks away.

“That’s not what it looked like inside.” And he knows he’s being incredibly childish. Will splutters, hands motioning wildly in front of himself— something he does when he’s fed up.

“Mike, you do realize I talk to other people that aren’t you, right?” Will furrows his eyebrows, tone growing frustrated.

“Of course, but— but…” and Mike swallowed down the words on his tongue. But I don’t want anybody else to know you like I know you. I want to be the reason you smile, I want to be yours.

“But what? I don’t understand.” Will tries, voice even again. He’s frowning at Mike and his eyes brows are still furrowed, searching his face carefully.

“But I don’t want you to.” And Will is sighing and shaking his head.

“You don’t want me to talk to anyone else? That’s not up to you, Mike.” Will’s confusion grows into anger.

“No— that’s not what I meant!” Mike groans, hands running down his face.

“It sure sounds like it.” And Mike can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth.

“I want to be the one that makes you laugh and smile like that! I want to be the one that makes you happy! I want you!” Mike’s chest heaves, his breath fogging out in front of his face in the chilled late October night. Will snaps his mouth shut, eyes wide and cheeks pink.

“What?” Will whispers and Mike begins to back track, tripping over his own words.

“I-I mean you’re my best friend and I just don’t want to be replaced and you’re my favorite person— wait no, but yes you are my favorite person but—“

“Mike,” Will stops his rambling, eyes once again searching Mike’s own.

“Will.” It comes out more unsure than he would’ve liked.

“Did you mean it?” Mike blinks at the brunette.

“Yeah. Of course.” Mike can see the turmoil in Will’s head as he processes what he said.

“I want you too. I like you— a lot.” And Mike’s shoulders are sagging and he’s smiling at Will’s confession.

“You like me?” Mike can’t imagine why Will Byers would ever decide to like him. He’ll never understand it, he thinks.

“That’s what I said, idiot.” Will laughs. Mike decides Will looks ethereal. The green and brown of his eyes are illuminated by the moon, his hair is a bit tussled from the wind, his cheeks are a light pink and his smile is wide.

“You’re so beautiful, god.” Mike is muttering, palms cupping Will’s face gently.

“You’re not so bad looking yourself.” Will jokes, nose scrunching up as his smile widens. Mike absolutely melts.

“Can I kiss you?” Mikes blurting out once again before he can think the words through. Will blinks up at him, eyes wide, but he nods his head.

“Yeah,” he breathes and that’s all Mike needs before he’s surging forward, eager.

Their lips meet and one of Mike’s hands move to cup the back of Will’s neck. Wills hands fall on Mikes waist and the squeeze, drawing Mike closer to him.

Will tastes like peppermint chapstick and Coca-Cola. He reminds Mike of the melding of summer into autumn; a stark contrast of Mike’s ice-cold, frostbitten winter. Will is everything Mike is not and more and doesn’t deserve and it’s intoxicating.

They pull apart, eyes opening and smiles still strewn across their faces.

“I love you. I think I have since that summer where the Mindflayer obliterated Starcourt.” Mikes breathes. His filter is gone and he’s not necessarily upset about it.

“You have such a way with words.” Will is laughing, fingers dancing along Mike’s waist. The two stay close together. “I love you too, by the way.”

“Oh thank you, I appreciate that your love for me is an after thought, William.” Mike chuckles, palm still on Will’s cheek and thumb brushing the height of his cheekbone.

“You’re the one who was jealous. Guess it’s what you get, Micheal.” Will grins, eyes sparkling. Mike swears he sees constellations in them.

“Maybe a little.”

…

inspired by this song

[hardeepcox]

Visa Run #3

 Before I start this, I want to add that during Visa Run#2 my dad, Poomi and I found May at the Foxzee’s bargirl place. Business was dead though because of Chinese New Year and actually it felt pretty awkward. I also want to add May had acquired a laugh that seemed more like a maniacal cackle, true story. Seems hilarious now though oh my god. May and I had been messaging every now and then so we stayed somewhat in touch, but when we met this time the atmosphere just felt really awkward. She told me how less fat I now looked and then invited me to play pool. She destroyed me in the first game. We had a re-match, and the bar boss then told her to let me win (thanks for the intel Poomi [he understands Thai]). Dude I am so bad at pool that I actually sunk the 8 ball too early and managed to lose again. I give up at pool, another awkward beer later, I can hear Poomi’s soul faintly saying “true…. yup….” (this is his catch phrase and also the mantra that I mentally tell myself to be chill). He’s bored, and honestly so am I and my dad. We end up spending that night roaming around and drinking beer in random places, pretty chill.

  Okay the ACTUAL Visa Run #3

This was my third and final visa run thus far. And for some reason I found myself going to Bangkok ALONE.

 The dumbass company that I work for (whose name I won’t say but rhymes with ee em gee) said we had to go to a capital city to get our new visas, we couldn’t go to the Cambodian border and get new visas like literally every other English teacher in the city. This then became my one shot at exploring Bangkok again on my own and getting to know this city better.

 Day 1 The first stupid thing I did.

 I didn’t know that there was a metro train going straight from the Suvarnabhumi airport in Bangkok to my hotel, so I got stuck in multiple cabs during rush hour, got sent to the wrong address, and walked for over an hour while dragging my carry-on luggage. Yeah it sucked but dammit it looked so cool. After walking under and over a sketchy bridge or two, I finally got to my hotel. Damn it actually looked pretty nice, well on the outside at least. I definitely killed a few roaches in my room that night. I only had 2 nights so I planned to make the most of it.

 The second stupid thing I did.

I went to the one place that I had only heard about in legends… Nana Plaza. I was now experienced in the partying ways of Thailand, these guys don’t fuck around. I took a Grab motorbike taxi to the place, and the driver drops me off right outside the beginning of a street full of bars. They seem to be stemming from this big place that looks like an outdoor shopping center at your local suburban neighborhood, except for all of the stores were replaced with strip-clubs. Read that again, and nope I am actually not exaggerating. Imagine an outdoors shopping center where you would expect to see Baby Gap, Auntie Annes, Toys r Us Express, Hallmark, CVS Pharmacy, and a local tae-kwon-do dojo, but they have all been replaced by strip-clubs. Yeah and lots of red colored lights. I took a lap around the bar in the center, and the music was absolutely pumping in every single one of the surrounding rooms. I walked up to the second floor, and it got a bit more intense. I think or at least it seemed to me like this floor was the ladyboy floor. Two ladyboys would stand by the entrance to the bars and hit you with something, like a small whip or something. Not my thing, if you’re into this kind of stuff, well then hey you do you bro. Nana’s Plaza is a bit much for me at the moment so I step out to see some of the smaller local bars. My method of choosing which bar to enter first is to listen for the one that starts playing reggaeton first. A couple beers later I’m kinda tipsy, so I go BACK into Nana’s Plaza. I somehow stumble straight in and a lady tries to pull my arm. “Real girls here in this bar” she says. I reply, “what about that bar straight ahead?” She goes “I don’t know.” My drunk logic says this person is trying to reverse-psychology my ass, I’m going straight into the ‘I don’t know room,’ fuck it. She lady is surprised while I zoom past her into this unknown abyss.

I walk into this room, and I see a stage with a pole with a bunch of girls dancing. I take a seat right in front of them, which I usually refer to as the “splash-zone.” I sit down and order a local beer, probably a Chang, and suddenly all the girls that were dancing began to line-up in a horizontal line in front me and give me the sad puppy eyes. They want me to choose one to sit next to me. I go “hey actually I just wanna drink my beer.” They try to look even sadder and bummed out. I try to ignore them. After a couple awkward sips of my beer I figure well I guess I’m supposed to actually choose one in this place. So I pick the one that I think is the hottest. She’s happy that I chose her and she sits on my left. Immediately she grabs my left hand, puts it over shoulder, under her bra, and suddenly I’m holding her boob. I was like damn that was quick uhh I’ll just keep chillin and sipping on my beer. She tells me she’s a university student, and some point makes a comment that I find confusing. I don’t remember what she said, but my response to that was “wait…. Is this a ladyboy bar?” She says yep and laughs her ass off. I go “wait so all those hot girls on-stage are actually dudes?” She says yep. I go “ohhhh… okay then cheers!” And we have a beer. I look across the room and I notice that the bartenders are also ladyboys, but not the kind that look like supermodels. They are just regular dudes, with guts, who want to be women. At that point I realize that being a ladyboy is not necessarily just about transforming yourself into a supermodel, some dudes just want to be chicks. And hey I can respect that. You do you bro. Anyways, my ladyboy then says, “hey I have milk too.” I say, “shut up no you don’t.” She goes, “wanna see?” I reply, “um fuck YES.” The ladyboy pulls down her bra, squeezes her nipple, and a few drops of white liquid come out. I’m like “duuddeeee that’s fucking awesome!” and I give her a high-five. She asks me, “wanna taste?” I say “dude fuck youuu” and we are hysterically laughing our asses off. Then she decides to take it up a notch and asks me if I wanna take her back to my place for 3000 baht. I say nah sorry I’m not into that. She replys, “oh it’s your first time? Okay then half price.” I say, “nahh sorry I’m not down.” Eventually she gives up and start to go back with the rest of the ladyboys. Before she leaves she says “can I get a tip?” I had already paid for the beers so I was like, “why?” But I just want to leave so I give her a 100 baht so she can go away. She then says, “can I have 200 baht more? I want to buy food.” I say “uh hell no.” She smiles and slithers back into the darkness. And I proceed to get the hell out of that place.

 The third stupid thing I did.

 I was hungry, and I was determined to eat some mozzarella chicken at Family Mart. I walked around Bangkok drunk as hell, through random streets, looking for a Family Mart. I find nothing but back to back 7-elevens and I am so incredibly annoyed. I eventually give up and get some basil rice with chicken at a 7-eleven. After over an hour of roaming around the city and looking for Family Mart, I hail a street taxi and head back to the hotel. Day 1, complete.

 Funny enough… in the morning I walk outside my hotel and there is a fucking Family Mart literally across the street. I scurry my way across the street and go into Family Mart, mozzarella chicken here I come! I then realize, they only serve this dish in Vietnamese Family Mart… not Thai Family Mart… fuck me.

 Damn Bangkok, you always find a way to surprise me you sly bastard.

 *I forgot to mention that earlier during Day 1, I had to stop by the Vietnamese Embassy in Bangkok to get a new Visa. This was the whole reason of me being in Bangkok in the first place. The office which handles Visa applications is literally a hole in the wall, literally dude. And what’s funny is that it’s located in a reallyyyy nice part of town. It honestly felt like Northwest Washington DC, but of course the hole in the wall just felt like an actual hole.*

  Day 2

 I decide to explore the city on foot. As I stroll around, I see my hotel is located on Sukhumvit 71, near a Muslim community on one side and a bargirl community on the other side. Super interesting, I hadn’t seen this often in Asia except for in some streets near Ben Thanh Market in Ho Chi Minh City. I ordered a coffee, I think the lady was a Thai Muslim and she was super nice. But of course… no coffee will ever compare to Vietnamese coffee, the best in the fucking world. I only drink milk-coffee, for some reason it tastes like home. I explore a bit more and I notice the metro station is literally next to my hotel. Jesus I’m an idiot, but okay lesson learned. Anyways I can walk for hours, so I keep going like the energizer bunny. I get some spicy Thai food near a gas station, it was like spicy garlic chicken with rice, veggies, and a fried egg on top. Dope. I crushed it. My mouth was on fire and I was craving caffeine again so I walked to a nearby coffee shop and sipped on some damn good local coffee. I used the coffee shop’s wifi and I called a Grab taxi to take me to Sukhumvit road near the Hilton to reminisce the good old times I had previously had with my dad, Paper, and later on Poomi. I get there and I am walking for hours again, enjoying every second of it. I get lost, and suddenly come across different streets that I have seen before during my previous trips. I am absolutely loving this, downtown Bangkok is becoming more and more familiar. Also keep in mind that I am eating random foods along the way. Damn downtown Bangkok is amazing, I estimate it’s about 20 years ahead of Ho Chi Minh City in regards to development. Sky train, subway, and advanced technology every step of the way. As I continue roaming around I start to feel tired and I think about going back home, also I’m full. SUDDENLY. I find myself resting on a walking bridge in between two shopping malls, and I see a fucking TACO BELL! Dude! My first Taco Bell outside of the US! I rushed in there and ordered a taco combo meal with beef. So full but so worth it. I decided to keep walking so I could burn at least 2% of the calories I had been consuming that day. It starts getting dark out, and I can feel the vibe of the city changing. When the lights go out in this concrete jungle, the night beings come out to chill. I only have this evening left in this trip so I decide to make the most of it, let’s go to Soi Cowboy!

 I start walking towards Soi Cowboy on foot (soi means “side street” in Thai), and now it’s dark. Tons of working girls are sitting on the sidewalks, all trying to get your attention. The streets definitely feel more intense than in the morning and afternoon. I keep walking and walking, and eventually I make it! I start walking towards Soi Cowboy and along the way there is a little bar next to the street playing some rock music that catches my attention. I decide to keep this spot in mind. I walk into Soi Cowboy. This shit feels really intense when you go alone, and the strippers or ladyboys are out on the street pulling people into their bars. I decide that I had enough of this shit last night, I’m going back to that street bar I just walked by. I walk to the street bar, get a chair, and start sipping on a Chang beer. Two older ladies are working there and letting the customers choose the songs. Dude if you let me DJ at a bar you KNOW I’m gonna play reggaeton, 100% chance. One lady has good English so we are chatting, the other lady doesn’t speak much English so she sits behind me and starts massaging my shoulders. This lady massaged my entire upper body while I sat there that night, I never even asked for a massage. These ladies are bar-ladies, so they will ask you to buy them drinks. I figure ah hell why not, it’s my last night and I am actually having a good time! We must have been like 4 or 5 beers in when the massage lady says, “hey choose any bottle and I’ll buy you a shot.” I know what’s going down… these ladies are trying to get me to blackout! I, having much experience in blacking out, have an idea. Most Asian girls that I’ve met don’t know much about the strength of liquor/spirits, whatever you want to call it. I look at the options: vodka, tequila, gin, absinthe, jagermeister, you know… the classics! Somehow, I notice a lonely bottle of Malibu, this is a fruity flavored rum with a relatively low alcohol percentage. These ladies don’t know the difference between Malibu and Jose Cuervo, so I order a bitch shot of coconut Malibu and gulp it down. The ladies then expected me to blackout any minute…. Any minute now….. umm…. Anyyyy minute now?! Nope. I was just tipsy and feeling good! So I decide okay I’ll call it a night, time to call Grab. I get the bill it was about 3000 baht! Ouch, but I had a good time so it’s cool. Then the lady with good English asks me, “would you like to take my friend home?” She was referring to the massage lady, who by the way had already digivolved a couple decades ago. I kindly refused. Then, the massage lady asks me for a tip, she had massaged me over an hour non-stop. By now I was tipsy, but I remembered the ladyboy last night asking me for a tip at Nana’s Plaza twice, and this time I was like aw helll nooo. I didn’t tip the massage lady and she was angry as hell, she wouldn’t even say goodbye to me. I called a Grab bike, and he was out there waiting for me in a crowd full of cabs trying to pick-up other drunk, idiot foreigners. Cab drivers of different ages would stand in my way as I walked to my Grab driver, and me being a drunk asshole was actually shoving them to the side! Haven’t done that ever before or since, but I think I was just drunkenly annoyed at people trying to constantly scam me. I finally find my Grab driver and I hop on.

A slight drizzle begins and I don’t have a raincoat, but damn does it feel amazing. As the motorbike speeds up, the light rain hits my face harder. I open my arms wide like wings and I feel like Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic. I survived day 2, and the next day I had to catch a flight back to Vietnam with a new Visa. Success!

I was supposed to visit Thailand again in June, but yeah goddamn coronavirus hit so… that’s not gonna happen. Until next time Thailand!

[whyshanti]

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go? 

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed,  academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have. 

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway.��

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else. 

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships. 

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc). 

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden. 

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing. 

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho. 

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house. 

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times. 

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me. 

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person. 

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass. 

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s. 

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices. 

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH. 

16. men are trash. 

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one. 

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over. 

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh. 

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.  

self-love is not a 5-step process. 

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings. 

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.