#it's like my imagination has a scratch in its disc and everything halts at this one point

[theridgebeyond]

how do you write scenes when you have no idea what the scene is going to be? readers be like "ooooooh i wonder what happens next!" bitch me too

[cinnamon-bebe]

Remember Us

(Sebastian x Reader)

Summary: Some mistakes cannot be fixed. A couple must come to terms with their loss.

Warnings: Angst, swearing, bereavement, cheating, mentions of abortions.

(’Re-purposing’ and embellishing an old storyline I had written for a fic years ago)

—————————————————————–

Sebastian

My feeble fingers fumble for the stereo in an attempt to put an end to the miserable love song on the radio but of course, I fail spectacularly, dialing up the volume with all my drunkenness.

“And I wish I could leave my bones

And my skin

And float over the tired, tired sea

So, that I could see you again

Maybe you would leave too

And we’d blindly pass each other

Floating over the ocean blue

Just to find the warm bed of our lover”

Why must the radio torment me tonight?

I try to change the station as I grip onto the steering wheel, I feel my car sway from side to side but it’s fine. There’s no one here, I’m all alone.

I soon come to realise that the music isn’t coming from the radio, rather a CD inside my stereo. Ripping out disc, my bleary eyes make out the name; Gregory Alan Isakov.

She must have forgotten this.

God, I shouldn’t be driving. If my agent knew, she’d be livid but for the sake of my sanity, I couldn’t stay at that PR sham any longer. Seeing all those phoney faces, pretending to be interested. Pretending to be into my hot new co-star, all for the sake of eliciting some publicity for our film. The only thing that made the night bearable, was the endless supply of booze. No doubt the organisers were hoping for the press to catch some drunken antics by the bevy of celebrities; we’ve got a movie to sell, all publicity is good publicity right? And I almost succumbed to it if it wasn’t for Maddie, physically holding me back from taking another swig straight from the champagne bottle. I was being every agent’s nightmare and she wasn’t afraid to tell it to my face. In fact, she ordered me straight into the men’s room to “fix myself up” before I dare make another appearance back at our table. She probably thinks I’m still in there.

I remember now. She used to love this album.

I throw the disc onto the empty seat next to me, as the house finally comes to view. I pull up on the side of the road; the lights are off, she’s not home.

The deafening silence in the car hurts. I feel my brain trying to sober me up but my mind just isn’t ready yet. I fall back against the headrest, my hands on the wheel to steady myself, to keep my head from spinning.

She’s usually home by now.

I reach for my phone, hopeful that Y/N had come around and returned one of my calls.  

Nothing.

A text from my mother at 3.

A couple of missed calls from Chris at 7.

3 voicemails twenty minutes ago from Maddie; probably figured out I was gone.

My fingers slide over my contact list until it finds a familiar number, one I have hesitated to call lately after our last encounter but I guess, the alcohol is fuelling some sort of blind courage tonight.

“Hello?”

“Liv? It’s me…Seb.” I slur. I figure the louder I speak the more comprehensible I would sound.

“Wow, you have some nerve don’t you? Did I not make myself clear last time?”

I wince at the hostility in her voice.

“Is Y/N with you? She’s not picking up her phone…I’m outside her house right now.“

“Jesus Christ Sebastian. Just leave her alone okay? She doesn’t need this right now! She doesn’t need you fucking with her head anymore!”

I’m sure Liv is just as sick of me as Y/N.

The last 5 months I have been trying to see Y/N, to tell her how sorry I am, to fix our lives but she’s manage to avoid me in every way imaginable.

Her locks are changed, she no longer frequents the places that we loved and I know she’s taken extra shifts at the hospital, all to avoid seeing me; the pariah.

Liv was my only window to her, to find out how she was doing.

Coping.

After my last attempt to raid Liv’s house for her, she’s cut off all contact from me.

I’m surprised this woman hasn’t hung up yet.

“I just want to know that she’s alright…that’s all I want to know Liv. I miss her.”

I feel as if my entire body is sinking, my shoulders grow heavy and the exhaustion of everything that has happened, all hitting me at once. Blow after blow.

I cry down the phone to her best friend who hates me.

My Olivia.

My Olivia who was always in my corner whenever I fought with Y/N, helped her see past all the stupid shit I’d do, helped her see the rational side of things whenever she had doubts. Liv was our family who had been through it all, seen all our good and plenty of the bad. God knows how many times she intervened to save our relationship.

Seems as though this time, not even Liv can salvage what is left.

The line crackles as she sighs.

“Seb…we both know this is better for Y/N. She needs to move on and you do too.”

“I don’…I can’t. I can’t lose her, not like this. I can fix this.” My cries become uncontrollable, I have ruined the expensive suit I’ve been wearing, if it wasn’t already been marred by the stench of booze.

“Seb. There’s just nothing you can do. She doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

“Liv please. Help me, I know you can help me.” I regain an inch of control over my sobs, holding onto the last sliver of dignity that I have left.

“How?“ She sighs, exasperated. “How do you expect me to fix… this?”

“Just tell me where she is.”

She pauses, I can hear her contemplating over the line.

“She’s gone on out with someone.“ She says curtly. "She should be back soon but you need to be gone by then.”

Before I could even respond, she hangs up the phone.

Is she seeing someone?

I pull my palms across my face, cleaning myself up as I run through all the possibilities of who Y/N could be out with at this hour.

I adjust myself in my seat. I’ll sit out here for as long as I need.

I have to see her tonight.

—————————————————————————–

Y/N

The car ride home was quiet. I had fiddled with my nails all the way through, scratching out bits of the red varnish I had spent so much time and effort painting on. The air conditioning was blowing directly at me, much to my discomfort but I didn’t want to break the peace and ask for it to be turned off.

It’s fine now. We’re outside my house.

“I had I great time Y/N.” Josh holds my hand, affectionately running his thumb against my skin.  

Josh.  

Handsome, smart, dependable Josh. Perfect. Just perfect. Which is exactly why I am kicking myself for feeling so miserable this whole night.

I had went all out to pump myself up for this date, even so much as buying a ridiculously expensive dress that I’ll probably never wear again.

We’ve been seeing each other for the past couple weeks, yet I feel nothing. No butterflies. No chemistry.

“Me too.” I lie.

“Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?” He begins to stroke my face, my body fighting its urge to flinch.

Slowly, he draws me closer, planting a soft and affectionate kiss on my lips; which I return. A part of me hoping it will ignite some spark but instead, only the desire to push him off and run.  

“Good night Josh. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I pull away, hoping he misses the aggrieved expression on my face.

I can tell he is disappointed that I didn’t invite him in but I just can’t. I’m not ready no matter how many times I tell myself I am. It’s been 5 months and the thought of having another man in my house still makes my stomach turn.

I give him a final wave as I leave his car. Making my way to my door, my feet drags slowly behind on the pavement, pained from wearing the stilettos I had reserved for special occasions.

From the corner of my eye, I swear I could see a familiar car.

No. My mind must be playing tricks.

I fumble away for my keys as I reach the steps of my porch.

I halt to a stop.

My breath hitches as he emerges from the shadows, gathering himself up from where he was sitting on the floor.

“Y/N.”  

His voice. That voice that’s been haunting me, turns me immediately on my heels and sends me running in the opposite direction.

“Y/N!”

He pulls me from behind. I feel myself numb in his arms, his body pressed so tightly against mine as he holds me hostage in the dark.

“Get off Sebastian.” I try to whisper, remain as calm as my mind would allow. The last thing I want is to wake my neighbours and invite them to this little peep show.

“I want to talk to you Y/N. Please.” He’s been drinking, I can smell it from his pores.

“Get off.” I try to turn myself around, facing him so I could push his heavy chest away.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

“Just get off!” I begin hitting him, smacking him hard in the torso. Even just an inch between us would allow me to escape.

“We can work through this, it’s us.“

I refuse to respond.

"It’s us.” He cries, dropping his arms from around me, finding my hands instead. He rests his forehead against mine, his tears hot on my cold skin.

I upset the moment pushing him one last time. His reflexes falter causing him to stumble, permitting me to break away.

“Y/N!”

I harshly jerk from his clasp, ignoring him clamouring after me. I rush to my door with the keys shaking in my hands.

“Will you just talk to me? Please!” He gets angry with me.

The audacity.

I ignore him again, trying my best to get my hands to function, to get the key in.

“You think you’re the only one hurting Y/N?”

The keys drop from my hands, along with my every chance to get away, hitting the wooden slabs of my porch with a loud thud.

“GOD!” I scream. At him. At myself. I stare at my keys sitting so helplessly on the floor, as I fall down myself.

How have I become so weak?

I no longer recognise what I have become, what we have become.

I have spent every ounce of my energy trying to recover some form of normalcy back in my life, convincing my friends, myself, that everything is fine, that my world isn’t falling apart. I try so hard but I can never fool myself. The world can see right through me, no matter how much I force that smile.

“Y/N.“ Sebastian collapses beside me, tugging at my arm. "Look at me, please.” He grabs my wrist, propping my hands against his pain ridden face.

"I know I can’t do things over, I can’t change what happened but we can overcome this. W-we can make it through the other side.”

I sit motionless in his arms.

The night is dark, so dark it seems we were exiled from the world. It must be 2, 3 am in the morning by now, not a decibel disturbing the street.

Sebastian starts to relax his hold on me, I can feel him slowly sobering up as he rests his head on my lap, his face nestled close to my stomach. The vitality we once had has drained out of us, our lifeless vessels too weak to go on.

I look down at him, his eyes are closed as he murmurs inaudible words into my abdomen.

“We lost the baby.”  I whispered.

“I know.”

The reality of those words cut me in a million ways. I have never dared utter those words out loud, too afraid to speak the truth into existence.

“I did this, didn’t I? I made you lose the baby.” Sebastian looks up at me, his eyes vacant; dying.

I can’t find the will to respond.

I’ve spent so long placing the blame on him, why is it suddenly so hard to say it out loud now?