#it's like my Warrior Cats liveblog but with a lot more sadomasochism!!

[sauntering-down]

it's Monday and i did not wake up in a good mood, so i cheered myself up by rereading that time i experienced the first book in the New Jedi Order EU Star Wars series and liveblogged it to @cassiopixie. yes, that's the book where Chewie dies. no, she did not warn me. in case you want to experience the Nonsense™ for yourself...

well, i'm just diving into Vector Prime with absolutely no knowledge of the larger EU, so we'll see what happens

can't believe that run-on got published

…in what universe would Threepio's voice be considered "melodious" Leia. honey. are you okay. blink once for yes and twice for no.

if Mara's eyes sparkle or twinkle one more time i'm gonna riot

Mary: I was suddenly slammed with the memory of how there's a whole side plot in the EU with Luke falling in love with a Force Ghost who possesses another body and is from the planet CHAD me: ...what the unholy fuck

jfc i hope "Wurth Skidder" isn't a name because it's a fecking terrible one

hm, getting the impression Nomnom might be a bit of a douchebag yeah, he and his buddies just stoned a pit full of droids to death

tell me what's wrong with this, Mary. prove you're better than whoever edited this novel. also they're all young, in case you forgot. in case you forgot Danni is a young woman… she's young.

ah yes, he happily removes his disguise and surveys his "ornamental disfigurements" like a split eyelid and torn mouth, because that's totally a normal thing to do

THEY FUCKING COMMUNICATE THROUGH LUMPS WITH EYES THAT THEY STROKE A LOT MARY I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS

the thing turns itself inside-out and resembles the head of the dude he's talking to. what. the. fuck!

ah yes, recreational organ transplants, my favorite activity

this Wookiee's name is Triebakk and i s2g i keep reading it as Trebek so this Wookiee is Alex Trebek, the beloved host of Jeopardy gets really funny when the dude howls in protest imagine someone getting a Jeopardy question wrong and Alex Trebek just screaming wordlessly at them

politics are boring. i hope Jacen goes full Darth Brayden on them soon and stabs somebody

me: how much younger is he than the twins? Mary: Like…three years younger, I think??? Mary: So obviously he's not a baby, but a BABY all the same me: the wiki says a year and a half lol. so he'd be between 14 and 15, since the twins are 16… me: not QUITE a baby. a senior baby, perhaps. (aka the reason Anakin Solo is referred to as 'Senior Baby' frequently for the rest of this thing)

this story is going to be an ordeal

okay yeah Anakin's 15 and fucked up the Falcon by trying some flashy flying lmao gosh i love reading about characters who don't, you know, get off on MUTILATING THEMSELVES

HAH Anakin insults the Falcon and Chewie threatens to bite the kid's lightsaber in half. this is why the sequels sucked. none of this tomfoolery.

Lando invented an asteroid-dodging game that's only MODERATELY dangerous and somehow i'm not surprised at all

Mary: God do these guys ever RELAX and NOT TORTURE EACH OTHER

me: that'd be a no Mary: I…are we just reading carefully disguised hentai? me: very possibly

Mara's sick, the ~mysterious illness~ aka what's probably like mutated YV sperm or something, these sick fucks, is attacking her uterus and she's afraid she won't be able to have children… got some news for ya, lady you'll have a Ben eventually. he's MUCH better than the one we have now, i'm sure…

Jacen's in a Mood so he goes to annoy his little brother, a relatable sentiment

oh god Jacen is in top "i'm older and i know best so let me lecture you" form

YES THEY'RE GONNA LIGHTSABER BATTLE FUCK EACH OTHER UP a proper non-masochistic beatdown fuck yeah

Han's still fixing the Falcon and in the process gets annoyed at Chewie and zaps him in the ass with a live wire. i think this is flirting.

HAN AND LEIA ARE STILL DEEPLY IN LOVE SO FUCK YOU SEQUELS

point in this book's favor, Leia occasionally feels a little jealous of Mara's mentor-student relationship with Jaina, but overall the two of them get along REALLY well and it's just nice to see. no bitchiness or nonsense. good female friendship.

Yomin Carr, sabotaging a ship: ew ew ew i have to touch this filthy technology with my pure mutilated Yuuzhan Vong hands

i'm glad you're my copilot on this adventure. i think otherwise i would've quit right around the time the sadomasochistic rituals started…

k we're starting off at a dock on a planet called Reecee. i initially read that as Reeeee and wondered why anyone needed that many Es

Lando: hugs Han Lando: hugs Leia LONGER Han: >:||||| Lando: gives Mara the ULTIMATE HUG Luke: hell yeah my wife totally deserves this

this rando Jedi named Kyp has the top time when it comes to racing through the asteroid belt and Jaina reeeeeally wants to beat him lol Jacen crashes Anakin does better and then faceplants into a giant asteroid Jaina finally crashes after 27 minutes, more than doubling Kyp's time Anakin hasn't come back so i'm just gonna assume he's still floating around out there until i'm told otherwise

MAYBE I'D RATHER READ ABOUT JAINA BEING BADASS THAN PEOPLE GETTING CLEAVED OPEN WITH AXES, YOMIN CARR. EVER THOUGHT OF THAT

lmao Kyp's squadron leaves while blasting music through the loudspeakers and showing off their cool flying

okay, so far Jaina is all awesome all the time, Jacen won't quit philosophizing, and Anakin's the only one who acts like a normal teenager

Kyp's squad is called the Dozen-and-Two Avengers and ngl that does not roll off the tongue at all

OH BOY now Lando wants Han to go to Sernpidal, aka the next target of ol' Nomnom and Luke and Mara are going to the planet Yomin Carr just climate-changed to death Leia tells Han to take their least exciting Senior Baby son with him

and Kyp figures out a way to make it to Sernpidal. DON'T DO IT THE YUUZHAN VONG ARE GOING TO HAVE PAIN ORGIES THERE AND THEN DROP A MOON ON THE PLACE

sweet, it's Miko! he's going to be fed to a tentacle beast shortly, but hey, he's alive for now what with all the hentai and sadomasochism so far, i guess vore was next on the board

Nom Nom and Da'Gara: wow can't wait to mentally break this Jedi before we toss him to the tentacles!!! evil chuckling

every time Anakin and Chewie are in the same room, they pick on one another lol Chewie, you're like, 300 years old. stop stooping to a fifteen-year-old's level

welp, apparently in seven hours the moon's going to crash into the planet. THANKS NOM NOM

they've figured out SOMETHING is pulling the moon down. i can tell them right now it's disgusting because the YV thrive on that shit Anakin's gonna go find it while Han and Chewie evac as many people as they can… look at Senior Baby, finally getting to do something

god dammit Artoo you're supposed to lay off the rum i bet you haven't been going to your AA meetings again

me: this stuff would be really cool if it wasn't the fucking Yuuzhan Vong Mary: It would also be cool if it wasn't ONE WHOLE SENTENCE

#relatable

MARA SHANKS THIS BITCH FUCK YEAH press F to pay respects to Yomin Carr? I DON'T THINK SO

oooh, Miko's still alive! i guess they're torturing him by tricking his brain into thinking he's being repeatedly vored

Anakin Solo Has Two Dads

Chewie just fucking YEETS Anakin at Han lol

me: OH MY GOD WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK me: WHAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUCK Mary: …I didn't want to tell you that this was the infamous book where Chewie dies, but… me: CHEWIE NOOOOOO .__.

like, okay, getting an entire moon to the face is a badass way to go, but OMG WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY??????

now i feel bad for Senior Baby. he is baby. someone give him a hug

well, at least Anakin Gets Shit Done, rescuing the x-wing while they're being attacked by insects and he fries them with some electricity, which even Han is happy about. i am also happy because the last couple interactions between them were difficult to read lol

me: oh good, Jacen's not being a dick to Anakin about what happened to Chewie me: awwww Jaina is a good sister, hugging him and all Mary: They're good sibs me: too bad about that death and Sith thing

maybe you should lend Mara to your sons for a while, especially Senior Baby

let's EAT while reading about the fucking Yuuzhan Vong jerking off to pain

i have to revise my earlier prediction, i kinda love them all might be ride-or-die for Senior Baby, surprisingly. he's growing on me

Anakin: alright Jaina's the good pilot let's do some wild telepathic mind-joining shit so she can kick ass and take names through us! Jacen: welp, okay

we were deprived of Darth Aiden and got Darth Jaiden instead. tragedy.

anyway, the sibs do amazing for a bit, but then Anakin gets overloaded and loses the bond then i think he blasts off into hyperspace to escape the asteroids before he goes splat, but blacks out in the process nobody has ANY idea where he went, but Han and Leia go after him anyway. good luck dudes

meanwhile, Anakin's chilling out in dead space like "well, if my sibs are okay, that's cool, i don't mind dying. if they're dead, i'm gonna fucking riot"

Da'Gara: maybe i should be worried about the lack of communication from Yomin Carr? nah lol gonna focus on glory and shit instead

Han: WHERE did these idiot kids get their recklessness from????? Leia: wow. much wonder. very surprise.

Lando: the pilot was wearing a mask we think connected her to the ship, but nobody's tested it. Luke: aight hold on a second

oh thank GOD Han's stopped being a dick, actually hugs his poor kid

Jacen gets to put on the creepy YV living pain suit and creepy YV living breathing apparatus such fun

Miko… goes down taking two more YV with him. godspeed, dude

Jaina, Consummate Badass Pilot, catches the iceborer and skips off into hyperspace in one gorgeous movement

the war council convenes and pretty much decides they are SO fucked …so they're gonna like. evaporate as much moisture off the planet as possible, cool it down so the volcanoes quit working and the entire thing freezes. that doesn't sound right but i don't know enough about science to refute it

Senior Baby getting all excited about physics over here

…there are NINETEEN books in the NJO series how many different ways can you have the Yuuzhan Vong fetishizing pain and destroying entire planets

Mary: Thank you for letting me come with you on this wild ride hahaha me: no problem, my dude me: i will never ever touch anything from the EU ever again me: fucking Yuuzhan Vong Mary: Any EU book is better than Crystal Star, where Luke is sad because he can't feel the Force because a sun exploded near them, so he joins a cult that worships a giant golden blob me: that's just an average Wednesday afternoon for me